The Commercial Break - Best Of: Massage Memory Lane

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Episode #619: Thought things were maybe back to normal? Think again! Producer Christina takes us down Massage Memory Lane, since we know Bryan is probably booking his next massage as we speak. Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Metrolinx and Crosslinx are reminding everyone to be careful, as Eglinton Crosstown LRT train testing is in progress. Please be alert, as trains can pass at any time on the tracks. Remember to follow all traffic signals. Be careful along our tracks, and only make left turns where it's safe to do so. Be alert, be aware, and stay safe. Chiara, it means smart in Italian. Too bad your barista can't spell it right, so you just give a fake name, your cafe name, Julia. But the more you use it, the more it feels like you're in witness protection.

Wait a minute, what kind of espresso drinks does Julia like anyway? Is it too late to change your latte order? But with an espresso machine by KitchenAid, you wouldn't be thinking any of this, because you could have just made your espresso at home. Shop now at KitchenAid.ca. Get into that dating, that didn't work. No, it did not.

We're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way. Get your hammered, find a man you don't fancy, sleep with him anyway, and see if he grows on you over time. Right. On this episode of the Commercial Break. Surprise! It's me, Christina, your producer. I'm back baby. I bet you thought you've gotten rid of me because yesterday you had an episode of Brian and Astrid. Well, you're wrong. Now, before you swipe away, because you hate best-ofs

and you're trying to start a fight with me, which I have warned you about, just hear me out. We all know how fond Brian is of a massage, whichever type that may be. And since he is probably currently getting a massage in Spain because he just spent many hours sitting in an airplane seat, and we all know he can't handle that.

I thought we'd take a little trip down massage memory lane. Personally, I am always giggling at Brian's ridiculous massage stories, so hopefully you will be too. So for the first foible, I have Brian and Chrissy discussing his very short massage where his masseuse was being very brave indeed. Enjoy. The next episode of The Commercial Break. very short massage where his masseuse was being very brave indeed. Enjoy!

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now! Yeah boy! Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break! I'm Brian Green, this is my dear friend and the beautiful co-host of the Commercial Break, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen! Best to you, Brian! And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Well, as we are recording this, it's official.

The Taylor Swift Super Bowl is over. Yep. So we can all move on with our lives now. Yep, time to move on. There you go, that's all I gotta say. Great game. Congratulations to Patrick Mahomes and the rest of the team. Yeah, overtime.

Only the second one. Taylor Swift's boyfriend, he did a good job also. Taylor Swift's boyfriend. Yeah, overtime, only the second one. And Taylor's first boyfriend, he did a good job also. Taylor's first boyfriend. Yeah, wow, only second time has been in overtime. Seventh longest game in NFL history. I'm just repeating facts that I heard somebody else say. So if I'm wrong, fuck you.

All right, got it. And the dynasty well underway. I do have to say, well, I'm not the most, the biggest watcher of NFL football. I like college much better. I like college much more. What a game. Yeah, you can't argue. It was a good game.

Yeah, it was a good game. It was fun to watch. It was a really good game, and I loved Usher. I have to say, I'm an Usher fan, and he brought the ATL contingent. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. That's not Usher, but anyway. Yeah, okay, and now I only watched really most of the

second half, and I'll tell you why I watched most of the second half and not the first half. Because I got a massage while the Super Bowl was going on. Good for you. It was still fair. I was in a terrible way. My back's killing me and I'm like, ah, I'm all twisted up. And so, Astrid, my wonderful wife is like, I don't need you to shut up, so I'm going to get you a massage. And she's like, it's your early Valentine's Day present. Yeah, there you go. Okay, thanks, babe. And she's like, they have seven o'clock tonight.

And I think to myself, Super Bowl or massage? I'm on my way to the massage. I don't care about the first half. I don't, I didn't plan on watching a whole bunch of it anyway, but I caught the whole second half and I was glad I did because it was a really exciting, you know, two quarters of football. Anyway, so I go to this massage place. Now, let me talk about my massage experience, because I think it's really important out here in the commercial break. Not going to give the name of the place, I'm sure that there are lovely people over there. But I go to the massage place, and it's in one of these strip malls, like a lot of massage places are, right? It's in one of these strip malls close to the house, and it's new. And it's been recommended to us by other people that we know. They say, oh, you got to go here. It's great. It's wonderful.

It's great. You know, new, it's newfangled. And I'm like, you know, love the vibe in there. And I'm like, okay, vibes. I like the vibes. When you go to a massage, you want vibes, right? Okay. Calm. Yeah. All right. Calm main vibes. Yeah. I want calming vibes, but you know, I can use a little charisma. I like a little riz. I'm trying to be cool with the kids. I like a little Riz in my whatever. So I show up, it's seven o'clock,

the game is already underway and no one is parked out front, obviously. It's just me and I'm assuming the masseuse and then the person who works up front, the lady who works up front. So I'm like, but that's kind of what I expected. Like, whatever. So I walk into this place and it's this huge lobby

and minimalist is not even close to the word that I would use to describe what is going on in this lobby. It is a standalone desk, sitting there with a person greeting you and, hello, welcome to whatever and how are you doing? Yes, I'm Brian, I'm here for my 7pm. Okay, no problem. There are bathrooms right there, two doors in the lobby that are bathrooms, this huge lobby.

And then feel free to take a seat of which there is one chair, one chair in the entire lobby. Not a magazine, not a book, not a nothing to be found. It's just one chair. So it was just the room and a chair and a desk? Huge lobby. Yeah. I mean, we're talking like, I don't know, 30 feet by 60 feet, huge lobby.

Yeah. A chair, huge lobby. Yeah. A chair, a desk, that's it, that's all we got, right? No music playing, nothing, quiet as a mouse in there. And I'm like, okay, all right, this is a vibe, certainly. And there's one like pendant light hanging over the chair. And so I go and I use the restroom, which is lovely, you know, okay, restroom, whatever.

And then I sit down in this chair, which is lovely, you know, okay, restroom, whatever. And then I sit down in this chair, which is one of these new fangled Pottery Barn bullshit chairs where you like sit. It's a piece, it's one piece of leather, it's like a leather strap. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like one leather strap, slippery, slidey. And then when I sat down, I expected to sit, but then I fell down into the chair. I'm like, my butt is literally a couple inches from the

ground. And now I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get up out of this chair? And you have the spotlight on you? And I have the spotlight on me. So I feel like, it's dark in there. So, you know, there's a vibe going on. And now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on Super Bowl Sunday at 7pm. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh, shit. So I get there at 6.50 for my 7pm appointment. I sit down and I check the watch and I'm like, okay, 6.52. I guess they'll take me back to the changing area, the locker room, whatever you want to call it.

That's what I'm accustomed to in any spa I've ever been to is like you go into an area, you have a little bit of privacy, you change, maybe you put on a robe, right? Okay? So, on occasion, I did have to say this, on occasion, I have changed in the actual massage room, but not very frequently. So I'm sitting in this chair under investigation, and the girl who's on the very opposite end of the lobby is not saying a fucking word.

I'm just sitting there, you know, no phone or anything, and I'm just, I mean, no phone because I didn't turn it on. And I'm just sitting there thinking to myself, okay, well, I guess I don't have a lot of time to warm up. I'll just hang out here in my leather strap and somebody can start asking me questions any minute, I guess. 702, 705, 707. These are the times when I'm watching the, and I'm like, here's what you gotta understand. When I get there, they have a menu on the back, back behind the lady, right?

This menu written in leather strap or whatever, burned into a leather strap. I guess that's the vibe. Yeah, calligraphy, right. And it's like, non-members pay this, members pay that. And as soon as I see that, I'm like, oh shit, here comes the sales pitch for the membership that I don't need, that I don't want. I've never been here before. I'm not going to buy a membership. I don't know what's going on in here. It could be, you know, fucking Jack-Jack for all I know.

So far, not good. Not great. Yeah. And then they have all these add-ons, you know, hemp, CBD oil, special doggy bow, sunshine, rainbow yoga massage, and extra 80 bucks. And I'm like, so she's like, well, thank you, it's your first time here, you get 30% off your brand new, you know, any of the add-ons. And she's like, would you like hot stone? Would you like CBD? Would you like, you know, morning oil? Would you like the the gushy smooshies? And I'm like, massage? Like, I just want to massage? Right.

Use a little pressure, make me feel better? How's that? What do we do about that? I've tried those hot stones before and it wasn't my thing. Well, that's what I go for. Because now- Oh, you did go for it. Well, after, because I had like a certain amount of credit- You felt kind of obligated. I felt obligated. I was using a gift card too. Yeah.

I felt a little obligated because I thought, well, I'm going to have to give a tip and then like, that's uncomfortable. I don't want to carry cash anymore. And so, I mean, it also is 2024. I'm sure they can figure out how to ring up a tip without having something. But I had a certain amount of credit to use. And so, because it was my first time there and I thought, well, I may never be back here, so I might as well use the credit. So I ended up paying $10 for the hot stone thing. All right. Okay. So now we're at 7-Ele11 and no one has come to greet me yet, and the lady is just sitting there. And so I'm like, I think the appointment was at 7, is there, like, do I just wait here for the, you know, I'm trying to like not be rude about it.

Right, move things along. Oh, I'm sure she'll be here in just a minute. I saw her in the back earlier. And I'm like, oh, okay, thanks for the update on where my massage therapist is an hour ago. I need her here now. Is it possible that you check now where she is? Because according to the schedule, she's supposed to be here with me. Like I shouldn't be here, I should be there. That's what I'm thinking. But I'm like, okay. Nicole Larson Definitely not sitting in a strap in the lobby. Jared Sussman No, I don't even know how many get up out of the strap. Now I really feel like something's going amiss. I'm under investigation on a

leather strap in the lobby because I didn't buy the membership or whatever. I got this whole pitch about the membership. I'm like, listen, I appreciate the membership thing, but let me give it a try a couple of times and then if I like it, then, you know, we'll go. I'm fussy. You don't want to get into it with me. Also, I should say this. So when she made the appointment, when Astrid made the appointment, she gave her my commercial break email address, which is kind of for me, like, when I do service related things, I don't want to give my commercial break email address because all it takes is a little bit

of Googling to figure out who I am and how important I might be. Do you know what I'm saying? It actually might be the first time anybody recognizes anything. But I get a little nervous because if I give a review, then I get concerned that someone can easily hear it and they might get upset. Oh, right. Trace it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. Who cares? So, 7-12, my massage therapist decides to appear out of some huge, you know, farmer's door, sliding, sliding farmer's door decides to appear.

And she's just, she comes out, she's right near the desk, she comes out, you know, lovely, I'm sure lady, and she just stands there like this, standing there, just looking around. And I'm like, she looks like a massage therapist. She got that oil thing on the side, you know, where you would normally carry a gun. She's got an oil holster. So I'm like, oh, good morning. What was that? That's so weird.

So I'm thinking to myself, okay, all right, this clearly is my lady because there's no one else here. Like, is she just standing there? Chrissy, a good 60 seconds. No one said anything. Really? And then I go, are you looking for Brian? Like, there's anybody else in the lobby. Hello. Right, there's no one else. Right here under the light in the strap, the only chair in the place. There is nobody else

parked outside. It's me, Brian. I can't believe you had to ask her. And then she goes, Mr. Green? And I was like, yes, Brian Green, that's me. And she goes, I'll be taking you for your appointment now. And I was like, oh, thanks, 15 minutes late. I appreciate it. Let's go back now and do that. Nicole Soule-Nagant Yeah, I'm ready. Brian Green Let's go ahead and get that started now that

we've wasted two minutes staring at each other. Let's go ahead. Why not? So now I go through the sliding glass door or the sliding door and then, you know, big wooden sliding door. The barn door. Yeah, barn door. And then I, thank you. And then I walk into what I can only describe as like a mud room, like a mud room for a house.

Oh, okay. It's got hooks, a big bench, but it's a big bench. It's probably like 20 feet long, big bench, but it's a big bench. It's probably like 20 feet long. Big bench, hooks, and then towels everywhere. So I think to myself, oh, this must be the changing area. It's a little, there's a lot of room for a lot of people to be changing at the same time, but thank God I'm the only one here.

I guess I'll just change right here. So here I am getting ready to take my belt off and like, because I think this is the changing area. And she's like, take a seat. She sits down and she taps the bench and she's like, because I think this is the changing area. And she's like, she's like, take a seat. She sits down and she taps the bench and she's like, take a seat. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I put my belt back on. I'm like, oh, okay. Sorry. I thought this is where I get naked. Like sit down on my lap. So, she says, you know, let me get to know you a little bit in your massage history. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my God, come on, do we have to do this whole thing?

Like, my massage history is I know how to get a massage. I lay there, you do it, that's it. What else do we need to know about my massage history? Yeah, the most people need to ask really like, are there any special spots that are... That was part of the 12-question interview that I did there, sitting in the mudroom of this fucking place. And, you know, in these spots. And she's speaking so softly, it's like a little bit hard to hear her. And I'm wondering, is this like her normal tone of voice or is she trying to start the vibe? Does the vibe start here? Still very open-minded. I think, okay, a little bit of a rough start, but now here we are, we're getting into the action.

We're at least on the way. Yeah, we're on our way back to the somewhere where I might be getting massaged before they close at 8 PM. Oh, I forgot to tell you, when she asked about the add-ons, they had like a, you know, add 30 minutes, right, this much money. And I said, oh, can I just add 30 minutes? I would do that. And she's like, well, I would, but we close at 8 o'clock, so we can't actually do that. Okay. And so, by the time, now it's 7 16, and I'm like, well, Jesus, now we got 45 of the 50 minutes I'm supposed to get left. So, let's get it. So, I'm answering

the questions quickly. I'm like, yes, no, maybe so, you know, just stay away from my dick and everything's okay. All right, here we go. All right, ready? So, she… Yeah. Can I take my pants off now? Yes. Okay, now can I undress? And so, I was like, do I, is there a robe or something? She goes, oh, no, no, no, no, back at the room. And I was, oh, okay, back at the room. I got it, 10-4. I'm cool. I'm happy with the new place, the new thing. All right, Chrissy, another huge sliding door. We go through this huge sliding door. And now imagine a football field sized room. I'm not even kidding you. Huge. And this is in a strip mall?

Like, did you realize it was this big from the outside? Certainly it was a football field, the building was, but I didn't realize how big the room was going to be. It was huge. Like your massage room? No, no, okay, so just imagine one big empty room. You're going from one room to another room, now you've entered another room.

Now I've entered another room, that is the room itself is huge. It's got a hallway in the middle, then it's got these two beams that just run. I'm going to say football field, it's probably 50 or 60 yards. Maybe it's not a full football field, but it's huge. It's got these two beams that run the length of the room down the hall, this pretend hallway that they've created. And then there are canvas sheets

separating the rooms, canvas sheets as the doors to the rooms, canvas sheets that you can see through, because I can see through the canvas sheets. I can see the lights, I can see the tables. It is very weird. And these rooms don't go to the ceilings. They're literally hanging by these beams. These canvas sheets are separating everything. It's like cubicles for massage. And so now I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, I don't want to, okay, whatever. I don't want to hear somebody next to me getting massaged, but okay, well, I guess that's what's going to happen. Yeah, I've made it this far.

I've already paid. I'm stunned. The've already gotten a thank you text message from the place, and I haven't even gotten the fucking massage yet. That's the other thing. Let's calm down on the text message and start worrying about the actual experience, okay? I don't need 12 text messages reminding me of how many things I can buy from your place. So, in this place, there is how many things I can buy from your place. So, in this place, there is extraordinarily, in this room, there's extraordinarily loud ocean wave music playing, ocean wave sounds playing, right? Not in the shhhhhh, shhhhhh, shhhhhh, the same exact ocean noises that I use to put my children to sleep. I cannot avoid it. And it's everywhere.

It's in my house, it's outside, now I've got it at the massage. And there's no like, hey, can you turn on some like gentle music, you know, some of the... Enya? Yeah, Enya. You know, some of that Japanese massage music that makes me so happy when I get a massage. I love that shit. Just play that and I'll fall asleep and you can just massage me. So, there are, I don't know, 30 rooms on each side,

30 rooms on each side. It's huge. And she takes me to like, basically the last one. So we got to walk a mile down there. Now it's like 722, right? Before, she opens up this big canvas sheet as if I'm in the fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something. It's like swings over these sheets. And there it is, massage table, little light, basket. There it is. I'm thinking to myself, well, and then I look to each side because canvas sheets are separating us, I look to each side and I can see the other rooms in each side.

I could see right through the canvas. And I'm like, I don't know what I want to get changed in here. I mean, I'm only going to my underwear, but even that is, no one wants to see that. What if a picture gets out there on the internet? TCB host. Flashes. Massage parlor. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what's going down. The only good news is all the paparazzi was in Vegas.

So I felt comfortable with the paparazzi. Well, yeah. And were there even any other customers? Well, I'll tell you, there were. And I'll tell you how I knew this. Okay. I guess you can see them. See them.

You could hear them. Well, I had my face down, so I couldn't see anything except for the floor. So, by the way, the massage therapist is nice enough, right? She's doing the do. There's nothing, she's not bad, she's not mean, she's just there. You know what I'm saying? She's being nice enough that you don't have any room to complain about what's going on, but there's no, like, I don't know, there's no vibe coming from my massage therapist. I'm just like, okay, here we go, I guess we're going to do this. Yeah. So, we get in the room and she's like, okay, Mr. Green, do you mind if I massage your glutes?

And I'm like, oh, sure, yeah, go ahead, you know, massage my glutes. Any glute massage will be over the sheets and only on the side of the glutes. And I was like, well, don't get angry with me, because I answered yes, she like snapped back, letting me know that I wouldn't be getting a fucking prostate massage. And I'm like, okay, don't get mad at me. Well, I just answered your question. Yeah, like, okay, let's get started. Chrissy, it was really- Why don't we?

It was really uncomfortable. And I was like, well, we don't have to do the glutes. I mean, what I'm saying? You asked, I answered. Why aren't we all upset now? All right. And I'm sure you want to hear the rest of this story that I'm sure will take up a majority of this episode. But we got to break it up into pieces because that's how we pay the bills. We'll be back. Are you lonely, depressed, listless, feeling silly? Call TCB at 212-433-3TCB

to get advice on your most difficult life circumstances. That advice will probably be bad, but that's okay. Call today. It's only $79.99 plus shipping and handling for Ask TCB Advice Services. That's 212-433-3822. Now that I have your attention, you should know that you can also follow us on Instagram, at The Commercial Break, and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. If you want to request our latest sticker, head to tcbpodcast.com, click contact and select sticker request from the drop down menu. And don't forget you owe me

$79.99 plus shipping and handling. This episode is sponsored in part by Zbiotics, pre-alcohol. Let's face it, most of us are not 21 years old partying like we used to. We have to make the choice between a great night or a great morning after. At least that's what we thought Chrissy and I until we tried pre-alcohol. I don't drink a whole bunch anymore and I was on the fence about this one. But a few weeks ago, Astor and I went out for some drinks for my birthday. The pre-alcohol was sitting on the counter and I decided why not give it a try. And let me tell you, pre-alcohol is the real deal. Zebiotic's pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. This was invented by PhD scientists to tackle rough mornings after drinking.

Let me tell you how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in your gut. It's this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for your rough next morning. But pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct in your gut. It's this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for your rough next morning. But pre-alcohol produces an enzyme to break this byproduct down. You just need to remember to make Z-Biotics your first drink of the night, drink responsibly and then you're going to feel your best tomorrow. I kept hearing about pre-alcohol and I wondered what is it actually like? Now that I've tried it, I get why everyone is talking about it.

And with their GMO technology, Z-Biotics is continuing to invent probiotics that will help the everyday challenges of modern living So go to zbiotics.com slash commercial to learn more and get 15% off your first order when you use that code commercial at checkout Zbiotics is backed by a 100% money-back guarantee. So if you're unsatisfied for any reason they will refund your money For the past three seasons of Gone South, we've covered one story per season. We tried to figure out who killed Margaret Coon. She told me I'm gonna kill you. I said, well, do it, bitch.

Go ahead and do it. We delved into the violent world of the Dixie Mafia. I'm an outlaw and I was a thief, but I'm far from being the psychotic nutcase that I've been made out to be. And we tracked a serial killer in Laredo, Texas. Just turn around, please. Turn around. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now, Gone South is back for a fourth season, but this time, we're doing things a little differently. So, in Gone South Season Four, we'll be bringing you new stories every week with no end in sight. I'm Jed Lapinski. Welcome back to Gone South, an Odyssey Original Podcast. Listen and follow now on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts for new episodes every week. Chiara, it means smart in Italian. Too bad your barista can't spell it right, so you just give a fake name, your cafe name, Julia.

But the more you use it, the more it feels like you're in witness protection. Wait a minute, what kind of espresso drinks does Julia like anyway? Is it too late to change your latte order? But with an espresso machine by KitchenAid, you wouldn't be thinking any of this because you could have just made your espresso at home. Shop now at KitchenAid.ca. All right. So here we are in this room.

Now we've gotten through the- About to get a glute massage. About to get a glute massage. But only on the outside and only over the sheet, right? Of course, of course. So she says there's a little basket right there. Keep it professional as is evidenced by the sheets that they're decorating. Exactly. You're paying $10,000 a month in rent,

but you can't afford a room, walls. That's all I'm asking for. Can a guy get some walls? I don't even care about the separators. Okay, if it's like, you know, if you don't have enough to take it all the way up to the 20 foot ceiling, I get that. But can we get like 10 feet of wall

and then we can just leave the rest open? Yeah, you know, they probably started building it out and they're like, ooh, rooms are expensive. These walls. You know what we can do. You know what we do? I think in my grandma's basement, she's hoarded 30 years worth of canvas from World War II

when she was a Betty Boopmaker, whatever they called those ladies that were stitching together the clothing, right? Those women who really won the war. So I've got canvas all over the place. We'll just take some canvas and drop it to the floor. We'll call it a vibe. It's a vibe.

It'll be unique. Now I'm really mad at the person who's recommended this place, because I'm like, what the fuck is going on in here? This ain't a vibe, this is the anti-vibes vibe. There's no vibe going on here. I've had vanilla ice cream with more vibe. You know what I'm saying? I'm upset. Now I'm angry. And I'm going into the massage heated and that's not a good thing. So we get through the glue, she's, okay, here's a basket for

your clothing on the floor. And I'm like, okay. And she goes, disrobe to your level of comfort. And I'm like, well, at this point, you've already alerted me that there will be no touching whatsoever. So, my level of comfort, what's your level of comfort? It's really the question. I don't want to answer this one wrong. Jared Sussman You told me what to do here. Jared Sussman Are we going over the shirt, under the shirt? I feel like I'm in third grade. Under the bra, over the bra, how do we do this? It's whatever your level of confidence is, it's not about me.

I wanna touch your boobs, but I don't wanna make a wrong move here, well I'm young in my little career, I don't wanna make a mistake. So anyway, so she leaves the sheet. She leaves the sheet. Not the room. Not the room, the sheets. She leaves the fort, the kid's fort we've built. And now she's like, I'll be back in a few minutes.

I'm like, what are you gonna do, knock on the sheet? I know. What do you do, ring a bell? I'm not sure. I don't know. So I disrobed to my underwear because I never go full naked. I've only done that a few times. I just find that it's a little presumptuous, I think, especially like if it's your first time with a massage therapist. Like we have a massage therapist friend that we know.

Right. And, you know, I know her well enough that I know she's gonna do my glutes and she's not gonna get weird about it. So I'm okay going full butt. That's it. That's it. So, okay. So now she says, okay, lay down. So I should share with you that when the massage therapist

asks what kind of pressure and what kind of massage or any areas you'd like to focus on, I always say the following. Listen, I love a good full body massage, but if you could spend some time on my back, that's what I really need. Back and shoulders. Back and shoulders. As me.

Please. That's what I like. Yeah. I like the full rub down. Sure. Right? I like a good rub and tug just like everybody else. What if you said, you said that's a really deep focus on my glutes.

My glutes. My glutes. The inside of my glutes, please. Inside the cheeks. Yeah. Over the sheets is fine. It's really sore right in between the cheeks. Oh, you know where your butt meets your asshole? In the taintiest area? The gluteus taintiest?

That's where I was like, you focus. My prostate's killing me! It's killing me! I just had a vasectomy and my balls are on fire! You knocked those around for a couple of minutes? I don't care, over the sheets, under the sheets. I'm just happy someone's touching it besides my urologist. Go ahead. I gotta give a donation in a couple days.

You mind jazzing those black boys up a little bit? Let's wake them up. So, okay. So I think... You said the back and the shoulders. I said the back. Focus on the back. Like, you know, give me a little bright breeze across everything else, but then let's just... Now we have five minutes left

of the massage, if you don't mind focusing three of those on my back, I would appreciate it. It's so stupid when I think about it. I'm like, it's unbelievable. I got a 12 minute massage, I paid for 50. All right, so she says, lay down, you know, get undressed, lay down face first. Face down, yeah.

Okay. So that's what I do. I get undressed down to my underwear. I lay face first. There is a sheet on the table. By the way, the sheets were the most comfortable sheets I have ever laid on. I do have to say this. I do have to give this place one props. They did not scrimp on the sheets because the sheets were super comfortable. That's good. But then they had one of these bare skin rugs on top, the faux bare skin rugs on top, and then the table heater was on. I should mention that in Atlanta, it's not particularly cold right now. It's like 67 degrees in the afternoon and probably 55 at night. It's not freezing in this place. It's nice ambient temperature, 68, 69 degrees, whatever it is.

But the heater on the table is cooking me like an egg. And you've got a pair of skin on top. That's right. Whatever remaining sperm I have in my vasecticles, they're boiling now. My balls are hanging off the table because they're so warm. You know how testicles, they go up when it gets cold and down when it gets warm That's how they regulate temperature. Yeah, which is an amazing thing. By the way, the body is an amazing thing My balls are rolling off the table. It's so I'm like, okay. All right, here we go

Here they are for easy access. Yes They're right down by my feet While you're massaging my feet get those twiddle twangles hanging down there. Just throw them back up on the table, they'll be fine. Ha ha ha. You know those ones that hang off the back of the trucks? That's what it looks like, yeah. Ha ha ha.

Yes! Ha! Those ones on the trucks. Just toss those back up on the table. Okay. So after a few minutes, she pokes her head in the sheets and she's like, Mr. Green, are you ready? And I'm like, yeah, you can speak up.

I can't hear you. Please. I don't understand what you're saying a lot because you're very, very quiet. But now I'm going to tell you why I think she was. So I get down, I got, you know, I'm just laying there. And so she's doing this whole dance around the table. She's like, you know, moving the sheet, adjusting the sheet, putting the bearskin rug on the top of my head. I mean, she's like all over the place. She pulls the bearskin rug up to

the top of my neck like this. And so, all that's exposed is the top of my head. And I'm like, what is going on here? What are we doing? I've never had a massage like this, but I'm still a little bit open-minded, a little bit open-minded. The device is closing. Yes, it's closing quickly. It was open. You remember the end of Star Wars where you had to get those two shots right inside just to blow up the Death Star? That's what I feel like has to be done right now by anybody at this place to make me feel a little bit better about what's going on. And so this must take like a full minute and a half. She's just like circling the table, adjusting the sheets. And I'm like, oh my God, why are we

wasting so much fucking time on the sheet? I'm fine. I'm hot. So I tell her, I go, hey, excuse me, could you turn the table heater down a little bit? She goes, oh, it's uncomfortable. And it's a little bit warm with the sheet and the blanket and then the whole thing. So, if we could just like turn the table down so at least it's not 99 degrees in here under the sheet, you know? Now I'm feeling I'm hot boxing. And so, she says, sure, I'll turn it down a little bit for you. Okay, great. Go back to that later. So, now she says, Chrissy, she gets right in my ear because I'm looking down at the floor and I can see her shoes. And you know, you're kind of hearing what's going on, you're trying to be

spatially aware of what's going on. I'm wondering if am I going to be touched at any point or is this just it? They just throw a bearskin rug on you. Heather Fetcher-Long-Tierman Dance around the table. Jared Sautner Hope you have a heat stroke and forget about everything. So I can see her feet under the table and she bends down and she's like, Mr. Green, in my ear, Chrissy, right in my ear. And I'm like, ha, ha, ha. This is the ASMR bullshit. What is this? And she's like, we have free lavender theracin therapy. Is that okay with you?

And I'm like, yes. I speak loudly just to let her know that we probably can have an adult's conversation in the room. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't like when people whisper in, my ears are super sensitive to like touch and stuff. And I was like, I just like, I'm kind of like, I want to push her away. Like, don't get so close. So, she goes, okay, now, listen to this. This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. And I understand, safety first. I get it. I get it. Safety first for the masseuse and for me. We all understand, right? We've laid the ground rules. There's going to be no touching around any buttocks area.

Disrobe to your level of comfort, which means keep your clothes on, and I'm going to pull the sheet over your head so I don't actually have to look at you. Okay, got it. 10-4. I understand. I hear what you only hear in a doctor's office. Gloves. Fucking latex gloves. Really? And I am like, under the table, you should see my face. My mouth is full open. I'm drooling now.

I'm like, water's coming out of my mouth. Oh my God, you have not had the gloves before. I don't care if you have herpes of the hand, you stay home that day. I don't care if I have to go a million and a half miles away from my house to get a massage from a massage therapist who will not use gloves. It's not the same. No, it's not. Chrissy, I'll say this right now, and it's important that we use protection, but having

a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom on. It's not the same, okay? It's what you have to do, and I get it, I understand, right? You use condoms because you don't want to spread diseases and get people pregnant unintentionally. Exactly, but the hands. But the hands. And in a massage. Are an important part of the whole deal. I want to feel the human touch. It's like sometimes there's magic energy that comes through those hands. Some people are really good at this and

I'd like to, and I don't care who you are, black, white, big, small, tall, short, whatever, I want to feel some human touch and I want you to like apply that pressure. It feels so weird to be massaged with gloves on. Yeah, I mean, it's basically just sliding oil around. There's no sliding of the oil because the, whatever they put on there, that walnut dust or whatever it is, the fucking shit that the gymnast use, like they smack their hands and like shit comes flying everywhere. I felt like I was getting massaged with that, not with oil, with like dust. I was like, it was so weird. And the whole time it sounded like someone was having sex in my ear, like... Yeah.

So I'm like, oh my God, did that lady just put on gloves? And sure as shit she did, because when she went to do the lavender and take three deep breaths, what, three, a fucking magic number is supposed to make me feel better about this massage. She's waving her hands in front of me like this, you know what I'm saying, with that massage oil. Oh. And she's got big black... She's waving her hands in front of me like this, you know what I'm saying, with that massage oil. And she's got big black... She waved her hand. Yes. She's like waving it into my face. Now I realize most people probably have their eyes closed at this point. Not me. I am fully awake. I am ready.

Well, usually too. Like they do like something to where you can smell it, like when you're laying down. Like put a little something, like a tissue. Like a tissue or a cup or a cloth or something. Something with the oil in it. She just put it in her hand and just wafted it my direction. I didn't even smell it and I could smell everything. I didn't even know what was going on. I have no idea.

It's like these pans in front of my face. You're wasting another minute and a half of my life and now I'm down to 11 minutes for the massage. So she folds back the bearskin, but not the sheet. Just the bearskin, not the sheet. And I am like, Jesus fucking Christ on a cross at this point. Could we please, for the love of all that's holy, get around to the action, please? I am not having this. I am like, I'm really kind of irritated at this point. Of course.

We need to get on to massaging because that is what I came here to do. Please. Chrissy. I don't know if she was blowing on my back. I don't know if she was using feathers to massage my back, but all of a if she's on on

You know, like most massage therapists they'll give you some good pressure at the beginning just like pushing on your back Yes No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no This isn't pushing. It's like a light pat It's like a she's giving me a high five on my back but with no pressure like my five-year-old gives me a high five like Like a golf clap. All the way down, nowhere near my lower back, nowhere near my butt. Then she goes all the

way down to my calves. And I'm like, holy mother of... All things massage therapy. What did I get myself into? Now I'm like, well, one of two things is gonna happen. Either this is gonna get better, or this is gonna get much worse. One of two things is gonna happen. And we've only got 10 minutes now to get this done. Well, how are we gonna break up that 10 minutes is my question.

In my mind, it must be 7.45 at this point. This has taken a long fucking time to get to any kind of action. You know? This has taken a long fucking time to get to any kind of action. I once dated a Mormon, same thing happened. Same thing. Months and months and months of preparation. All right.

So now she comes down to my leg. Chrissy. She, I don't even know the way to describe this particular woman's style of massaging, except to say that I think it was less massaging and more about her sheet folding abilities. Do you know what I'm saying? She kept folding the sheets in weird ways so that she could expose certain parts but leave other parts unexposed. She takes my left leg, she lifts it up in the air, and then she folds the sheet underneath my thigh.

So now what we've got is, imagine like a- A diaper type situation. Yes, or Catholic schoolgirl uniform where the ruler rule is in full effect, two inches from your kneecap and your skirt must be down to there. She literally wraps my leg like a diapy, pee-pee-poo-poo, with only an inch above my kneecap on the back and my foot downwards. So now we've got exactly one of the two and a half feet of my legs exposed. And that's what she massages with almost no pressure whatsoever. Now, I do have to say this, I will give credit where credit is due. Once she got into it,

then I felt a little bit relaxed. There was no pressure to it. It wasn't working out any knots or anything like that. But okay, I was so wound up at this point that even anything was, I was happy with anything. The expectations at this point are so low. The Death Star is still there. Darth Vader rules the universe. It's over, it's game over. At least I'm gonna get a one leg massage out of this. She spent the next 10 minutes on my left leg. And then she did the same thing with the right leg.

She did the exact same thing. We spent a minute and a half folding the sheet to make sure that she doesn't see anything she doesn't want to see or I don't feel uncomfortable in any kind of way. You got your underwear on too. I know. And I don't wear a fucking thong. I got boxer briefs.

It's okay. You're good. It's covered in everything you can be scared of. All my ass hair is covered by that amber copy and pitch. Also, she's wearing gloves so as not to touch. Yeah. could be scared of. All my ass hair is covered by that amber copy. Also she's wearing gloves so as not to touch. Yeah. I don't know whether to feel offended,

like it's my fault she had to wear gloves. Like she assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light. The lobby, the lobby. Yeah, in the lobby and they put glasses on and they can see the level of scuzz you have on you. Maybe she had to work herself up.

It's like, this light is revealing. God damn. This guy has come in. Another fucking old white guy. This is glove, glove positive. It's a glove positive. I tested him. He's glove positive. So we get to the second, like, another 10 minutes is spent on basically my knee down

to my foot, right? Okay, all right, we got that part done. Oh, yeah, that front of my calf, my shin bone is feeling so relaxed. I've never had... Listen, you worked all those ankle knots out. I'm telling you what, can we get to some words important? Can you work your way up? I'm sure this massage is over. I am honestly stressed because at any moment I feel like she's going to go, well, that's our time for today. Exactly. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much. All right, now remember, I added the hot stone massage.

Yes. Yes. Okay. All right. So, after the leg gets done, now we're gonna go, after both legs, now we're like 20 minutes and now I'm sure it's 8 15 or something. I don't even know. I'm like, I guess we're on free time now. You know how like it used to be when you watched a soccer match, you're just guessing how much free time was left on the end. We think nine minutes extra. That's how I felt. I just felt like they going to blow the whistle at any moment. So, she goes, I can hear her fooling with something, right? And then all of the sudden, she's putting on what I have to imagine, I didn't see it because it was on my back, is a water bottle, the kind you get in the hospital, a plastic water bottle with warm water, she puts two of them on my back.

Over the sheet. And I'm like, and so now she bends down. How's that level of comfort for you? Fine, it's fine. The water bottles feel okay. I know the water bottles feel okay. But I should add that during the leg massage, I felt like the table had gotten warmer, not cooler.

I felt like she turned it up, not down. So she's like, how's that level of comfort for you? And I go, fine. Did you turn the table down? And she goes, I did. Do you want me to turn it down even further? I say, yeah, let's just turn it off at this point, please. And can we get to my back?

Yeah. I'm ensconced in furs and sheets. Furs, sheets, hot water bottles. My ankles feel great. Well, let's get on with it. Please! I'm so fussy now. I'm just like, god damn it.

So now we've got two hot water bottles from Walmart on the back of my back. She puts a hot towel around my neck. So, now I'm burning up. I'm dying. I'm having a heat stroke in here. I'm sweating profusely. And I can hear something, right? And now I hear in a room, probably not next to us, because there was nobody next to us, but I can hear, you know, it's another person getting massaged. You know, at the end, when they like wipe the sheets, you know, they wipe the sheets, like wipe off all the bad energy or whatever, right? First of all, I'm thinking, I wish I had that masseuse, because I can hear more pressure than this lady put on me, than I felt with this lady. I can hear more.

I can hear more pressure. So, and then I can hear like faintly, like, you know, our time today is done, you know? And I'm like, oh shit, that's it. It's eight o'clock. It's eight o'clock now because that person's finishing up and I haven't had one finger on my back yet. Not one, not one finger on my back yet. Not one, not one finger on my back. Christy Kuhn-Gottesman Gloved finger. Jared Sautner Yeah, glove finger. I haven't had one glove on my back yet.

We're 20 minutes into my legs, we haven't had one touch of my back. So, now, Chrissy, swear to you, I'm not exaggerating, I exaggerate a lot here on the commercial break, but this is not an exaggeration. Now she's going to do my arms. And the amount of, it's like she was doing origami with the sheets. She was wrapping them around my shoulder, under my armpit, over my hand, through my, now my elbow's exposed. That's what's exposed.

We got my elbow and my actual hand exposed. And she's like rubbing my arm. It's crazy. I am like, where did I come? Where do they get these people? I've never heard so much sheet use. The sheet, like I didn't come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed.

I do that every night. Lay down, throw the sheet on me, feels good. All right, every night. Lay down, throw the sheet on me. It feels good. All right. Good night." So now I'm getting this weird elbow and hand massage, right? And this goes on for five minutes and then over to the other hand goes on for five minutes. And I'm like, I just can't even believe that we haven't gotten to my back yet. And so I say, maybe we can focus on my back. And she leans down, I was just getting to that. And I was like, okay, thanks. Thanks.

Could you focus those gloves on my back? Right, right. Would you mind? Please, please touch my back. Somebody touch my back. That's what I wanted to scream in this, you know, sheet full of room. I just wanted to say, please, somebody touch my back. I'm leaving a review. A great massage if you're not looking for a massage.

If you're looking for a touch-free massage, you know, like the car washes? Looking for a touch-free massage, here it is. The answer to your prayers! Ask for this lady, she'll blow on your back! But with a mask on! Safety first! So, she takes these water bottles off my back, she rolls down the sheets, right? And I'm like, finally, I'm going to get... Here it comes. This is what I came for.

This is the big show. This is the Super Bowl of my massage. I'm ready for it. If I've got 10 or 15, she's going to be gracious enough to go 10 or 15 minutes extra. And now I'm thinking to myself, she should go 10 or 15 minutes extra. Yes, exactly. Because it was no sooner than 720 before I actually started the massage. And 730, if you wanted to count the sheet origami she was doing. I don't know if she was building

those little birds you get on cruise ships or whatever. You know what I'm saying? They roll the towels up. I don't know what she... They make little polar bears. I felt like she was practicing. Okay. So now she's brought the sheet down to, I swear, the main event is my back. And, and, she brings the sheet up probably two inches from your tailbone, right? So there's no fear that she's going to see anything she doesn't want to see. And she tucks the sheet in under my belly, under my legs. So now I'm wrapped like a little bababinky. I got my bababinky on.

A little burrito? Yeah. I'm a little fucking baby. I feel like I'm being swaddled. I'm like, I'm an adult. I can handle it. It's all right. Why don't we just take the sheet up? Because I'm frying on this table. No temperature has deleted from this thing. Or maybe it's just because I've been covered in a bare skin rug when it's 90 degrees outside. I'm not sure, I don't know. So this is what happens. She works one side, shoulder down to two inches above my butt, that maybe lasts two and a half minutes. She works the next side two and a half minutes.

Chrissy, she goes down to my glutes, she presses one, two, three times on the side of my glute, one, two, three times on the other side of the glute, and she rolls the sheet back up and puts the water bottles back on it. And I'm like, you have got to be kidding me. I had 30 minutes of a 50-minute massage and 25 minutes was spent on my legs. What the fuck? Not even on my legs, on my calf. So unbelievable. So now she goes around and she turns me around, right? And now I'm like, flip over. She puts this towel under my neck, making the whole experience very uncomfortable because now I'm like, got my chin in the air, my mouth's wide open,

like I'm a conandrothal. I'm like, what is going on here? Why are you putting this huge toby on my neck? We can do a fucking, you're gonna massage my throat? What's going on here? What are we doing? I wouldn't be surprised at this point if that's a good throat massage. She starts that whole number where they give you the massage in the back of the head, like right at the base of the skull, but she just puts her hands under there and goes, like this,

like a come hither, like, and then I go, and then she starts to massage my head a little bit, and I'm like, okay, I could take them ahead massage, I would give that in the plus column, but she stops here, like at the back of my head. She does not even go anywhere close to the top of my head, the forehead or anything. Chrissy, I am not even kidding you. She then puts two hot towels under my shoulders. So now I'm completely uncomfortable, mouth aghast. I can't even breathe because my neck is like stuck in this weird position. And now I've got two hot towels like that. Now I feel like I've clearly haven't set up. Right, they're gonna pop out with the end of camera.

Yeah, someone's got TCB in their crosshairs and here I am. They're taking pictures of me from above. They've got a drone that I can't hear because the ocean noises are too loud. So she literally gives me the little hands on the shoulders like this, and then she starts doing the sheet origami again all over my body. And I'm like, oh my God, this is fucking crazy. So after a minute and a half of sheet origami, she goes, that's our time. I can it out.

I was like, okay, that's enough of that. We're done. This is a fully disappointing experience. I don't care anymore what you think of me. I'm being polite. Of course, I'm always polite. I've never mean to anybody who provides a service because I understand that it might be the end of a long day.

She might be fussy. Her hands might hurt. there could be a million reasons why it wasn't the best massage in the world, or maybe she's new at it, or maybe she's not good at it. That's the other option, right? She's just not good. It's okay. It's all right. You know, I ain't mad at her. She's making a living.

And I got, you know, 38 minutes of a 50-minute massage because when I got out, it was like 8, 12 or something like that. So from the time she took me back to the time that I actually startedminute massage, because when I got out, it was like 8-12 or something like that. So, from the time she took me back to the time that I actually started getting a massage, I think I got like a 40, maybe a 40-minute massage. Right. But, okay, it's 8 o'clock, 8-8-15. And half of that was sheet folding. Sheet folding. Most of it was sheet folding.

So, she says, you can get, you know, take your time, get your... Where were the stones? The stones were the water- There was no stones. It was like a water bottle. I don't even know why they said it's hot stone massage. Well, I know. And did they not like use the stones?

She didn't use- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There were no stones, only water bottles. They were used twice in a 41 minute massage. They stayed on my back for 10 minutes at a time. So 20 of the 41 minutes I had hot water bottles on my back, a table that is on fire, never, it never lost any temperature, by the way. It only got hotter in my opinion. So I was like a little bit uncomfortable. Now I always like to take a shower after I do a massage.

Like I don't care. Most places have them so you can wipe that oil off. I am covered in this lavender oil, like, slathered in this lavender oil. By the way, it didn't feel like it because the gloves. It was just like this weird, they were sticking every time she was trying to do something, kept sticking and sticking. It just felt really uncomfortable. So I'm covered, slathered in this oil, I got to get myself dressed, you know, I walk out, you know, most places, they have like, you know, like a little glass they give you with some lemon water or whatever, you know, some whatever they call it. Something, yeah.

What's that shit they put in the water, oregano, or I don't know what they put it, mint, lemon, whatever. Yes. Mint lemon water, mint lime water. And I'm thinking, she's like, I'll have a refreshing glass of water for you when you're done. And I'm like, okay, great. It's one of those Dixie cups that you literally get out of the,

when you go to a doctor's office and they have the water thing, yeah, the world's smallest cup. I walk out and she's got this little cup and she's like, here's a glass of water for you. I'm like, I think you and I both know that's not a glass. That's a shot. That is a paper Dixie cup. I've had, I give my children more liquid in their gaga cups. I swear to Christ. What are we doing in here? Oh my God. I gotta take the walk of shame all the way down the sheet hallway.

Right. And then I go up front. Luckily, I think I paid a total of, you know, whatever it was, 20 bucks, 25 bucks with the tip. And I tipped appropriately. I tipped for the effort, you know. Okay. I kind of swallowed a little bit when I did that tip, but, you know, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I do know it's difficult to be in the service industry in general. And maybe she's just new at this. Maybe she's new at this. Do you think the person that recommended this place to you

was the one playing the prank? Knowing him, yes. And it wasn't a prank. It was just, you're an asshole. So go to this place. Here's a gift card to this place. He probably got it from somebody else. Yeah.

He's like, oh no, I've been there. Let me give it to him. That's exactly it. It's a re-gift. No, I know. It was Astrid that gave me the gift, so it wasn't him. But he had mentioned that it was a good place to go. Okay.

You know, you might as well give me a gift card for half-eaten Subway sandwiches. That would have been more tasty, I think. I would have been more excited at the end of the day. I don't know what to say. It was just one of these things. It was like a really weird experience. It was a really weird experience, and I don't know, I tried to make the best of it.

And it just- You did, you gave it a chance. I gave it every opportunity that it had. At every opportunity, I kept my mind a little bit open. It got disappointed. The only good part were the sheets. That's it. The sheets were so soft. I do have to say that.

The sheets were so soft. But of course, maybe it's because I was just slathered in oil. I didn't feel anything. Call me, beat me if you want to reach me at 212-433-3TCB. If you have any comments, questions, compliments, or content ideas, that's 212-433-3822. You can also find us on the interweb at tcbpodcast.com, which is where all of our audio and video lives, so check it out and then while you're at it, you can follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at tcbB podcast. That's all for now.

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The world may never know. Now, I have one more little massage story for you, where really all I need to say about it is this, undress to your level of comfort, and by that I mean, keep your jeans on. Yeah, I think we talked about, I mean, I know we've talked about this, but you've never, have you,

do you get massaged by guys or by girls? I've had both, but the person that I regularly use is a woman. Okay, so you prefer women. No, I mean, I prefer whoever's best. Okay. What is the question? I was compromised in Italy one time with the massage.

But that was a woman, right? No, it was a man. It was a man? And he was like all up on your boobs, wasn't he? He was giving you a full-boob massage? Yeah. Did you not think at the moment, like, holy shit, this is kind of weird.

Yes, I did. Yeah? But I was like, I'm in Tuscany. Yeah, when in Rome, literally, when literally in Rome, you literally do what the Romans do, right? I know, right? So I went with it.

That's what I thought about my Boscolo massage. I thought this is definitely getting a little too close for comfort, but maybe this is just the way that- It is the way it is. Yeah. The way they do things. Here we are at this five-star hotel, and by five-star I mean two-star, but in my head

it's five-star. Because one-star is where it usually takes- You were in a five-star location. I was in a five-star location at a two-star hotel. That's right. But at this very, you know, well-known, long-running hotel brand in Rome. And maybe that's just the way they do it in Rome. Yes. That's what I told myself. I was like, Jennifer Aniston gets this done. All the time. Well, I mean, can you imagine being the masseuse? When I came downstairs to talk with my sister, because she had gotten a massage too, but she had a woman and she goes, well, I can only imagine what you just got to. Because did the woman also massage her boobs too?

No, but went around and went around. There are pectoral muscles. Because I'm really using my pecs. I'm on vacation in Italy. They're sore. Jared Ranere He's using his dictatorial muscles to massage your pectoral muscles? Christy Kuhn I was like, is he telling all his friends, like,

look at this American woman, just let me do this. Jared Ranere You wonder, like you wonder. Christy Kuhn Probably. Jared Ranere I don't know. It seems like, but I don't know. I don't know what the customs are either. I'd love to hear from people out there who have traveled to Europe, more specifically Italy, since this has happened to both Chrissy and I in Italy. If you had a massage, if that massage went a little sideways, like it got a

little too close for comfort, because I've told the story about the Boscholo Massage, that I also had a massage in Italy, literally in Rome, in this hotel called the Boscholo, and when we were sitting upstairs inside of the spa, quote unquote, waiting for the ladies to show up, we were sitting in this reception area, and two women came out at the exact same time, my wife and I having a massage at the same time. One of them was literally Olga, I mean Olga, right? An older lady, a babushka, a big old lady. Strong. Strong. Strong. Big, yeah.

That person had been around many blocks, right? She was just, she looked like the kind of woman you'd want to cook soup for you if end of days was coming, you know what I'm saying? Like that kind of woman. And then there was- Potatoes are involved in that. Yes, that's right. She literally, she looked like she was overweight, but she was just hiding potatoes from the famine. And then there was a 20-something year old Eastern European woman who was gorgeous. If this had been America, clearly we know which person would have gone with which person, because that's just like an unspoken rule. You don't send the hot girl with the married guy. You give the babushka to the married guy and you let the hot girl do the wife,

right? That's how it goes. I think that's just like, I don't know, there's a little bit of common sense being used there. But in this case, yeah. So I thought to myself- Not that there would be anything, but just to be sure. No, just to be sure. Just to be sure that you're not rousing any jealousies or anything like that. This is going to turn into an episode- Or rousing something else. That's right. This is not't gonna turn into an episode. Or rousing something else. That's right. This is not gonna turn into an episode

of Real Housewives of Rome, right? Of Voskalo. But when they crisscrossed the room and the young lady started walking toward me, I was like, well, it's my lucky day, I guess. But I love my wife, I'm not gonna do anything. I've never had a massage that's anything but a massage. When we got into that room, however, I think we came pretty close to doing something besides

massaging. I don't know what you would call it, massaging my cock, I guess. But that girl- There's a muscle there. Yeah, there's a muscle right on your lower abdomen, your pubic bone, where the pubic hair starts. I didn't know, but I found out. That's your lower abdomen.

I know. Why are you rubbing my lower abdomen? I could possibly be tight down there. And it was a rather a touch and go situation. No pun intended there for just a couple of minutes. The only other thing I've had close to anything that was kind of, you know, questionable perhaps was off Beford Highway. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Our friend, our good friend Rachel,

before I got married, took me to the place. Happy Feet? Did she take you to Happy Feet? Yes. Happy Feet is the only other place where I've had questionable activities where the girl actually asked me directly. I mean, we were laughing later and she's like,

Rachel was like, I'm pretty sure like that. You were being approached. Something happened there. I was like, Rachel was like, I'm pretty sure like that. You were being approached. Something happened there. I was like, me too. But we'd had so much wine before we had the toast. We didn't know, you didn't care? I was like, well, it's close, but I don't know. It's the hard ones with the hard ones.

Did you get touched inappropriately? Yeah. Like in the bud hole? He came very close. In under the crotch? It was very, yeah, all in that region. He just kind of went like this, like gave you a little. Not no penetration of anything, but like all up in there.

But he was touching your grundle sack. He was under your grundle. He was fundling your grundle. Well, that's funny because the same company, but different location, Rachel and I went to one time. We get the happy feet done, like it's a foot massage place. Yeah, you get the foot massage done first. But then they ask you if you want a massage.

And you say yes. Of course you do. Now you're all in the mood. You're like, yeah, why not? Go up to my dick, I guess. Sure, why not? But it was the first massage, well, not the first massage I've ever had, but it was one of the first massages I have ever had. We're talking like, this is a long time ago, 15, 16, 17 years ago. I had one massage when I was married to my ex-wife, and now this is like massage number two. But I decided to go for it because I'm like, it's right across the street. I've had a rather pleasant experience, her massaging my feet. It was an older lady. And we get back into the room, and I don't know the first thing to do because this is the first time I've ever had a massage. So, I really don't know. So, I take my shirt off and I don't know the first thing to do because this is the first time I've ever had a massage. So I really don't know. So I take my shirt off and I have my jeans

on. You left your jeans on? I left my jeans on because I thought she's going to give me a back massage. Why do I need to take anything else off? I'm such a newbie. So I get in and she's like, no, take your jean off. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And she goes, no, take pants off, take pants off. And I'm like, oh, okay, I guess, right? But she stands there in the room. Beth Dombkowski Yeah, went on Buford Highway. Went on Morris Mill, do as Morris Mill's people do. So she's standing there right in the room. So I

kind of take my, off, I'm wearing boxers at the time. And then I go to jump back on the table and she's like, no, no, no, no, no. Beth Dombkowski Take it all off. Beth'm wearing boxers at the time. And then, yeah. And then I go to jump back on the table and she's like, no, no, no, no, no. Take it all off. She pulled it off. Oh! She pulled my pants off. She pulled my underwear down. This is amazing. It was unbelievable. And I just thought that's the way it goes. Right? But then she just

got a little close on some stuff. And then I think she was trying to ask me if I wanted extra. She was like, you want extra? You want extra? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no extra. I didn't think about it at the time. But then when I left in a couple weeks later, I was telling this story to a friend and he was like, she was asking me if you wanted a happy ending. And I was like, what the fuck is a happy ending? She's like, well, she would have whacked you off. And I'm like, I don't know. That girl would have whacked me off. Now she was like 80. Who cares? Who really cares?

You just- I think I go home and do my own EP. Yeah, you go, close your eyes, Calgon take me away. You know what I'm saying? Calgon take me away. Happy feet take me away. I wake up and she's whacking me off with her foot. That was the best foot job ever, Rad.

Well, on that foot job note, that is all I have for you today. But stay tuned this week because I have many more unhinged episodes like this to share with you while Brian gets his throat slit, as he so likes to say. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, Brian is getting his parathyroid removed and he keeps referring to it as getting his throat slit, which I personally find hilarious. Anyway, if you'd like to get in touch with us, you can call us and leave us a voicemail, or just text us if you're shy at 212-433-3TCB. That is 212-433-3822. Also, if you wouldn't mind,

give us a sympathy follow on Instagram, at the commercial break, and on TikTok if you can bear it, at TCB Podcast. And as always, you can go to our website, tcbpodcast.com, because that is where all of our audio and video lives, including old, wild episodes like this,

just waiting for you to find them. Okay, wish Brian a speedy recovery so we can get back to our regularly scheduled program and I can shut up. Bye! It's the season to shop new styles, electronics, and definitely a holiday trip. And what if each time you made a purchase, you got a little something back? With Rakuten, you can. Earn cash back on just about anything you buy from over 750 stores. So if you're looking to buy a new phone, clothes, skincare or getaway, well, you can get cash back. So treat yourself, family and friends

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