The Commercial Break - Bryan Swipes His V Card

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

The twists and turns of Bryan’s vasectomy story will have you rolling for days… Bryan is a very bad gag gifter Balls everywhere! Stick drama at the green house Krissy needs a driver When in doubt, shove em down Bryan swiped his V(asectomy) card A 90 year old getting a vasectomy The indignity of surgery Hangin’ mistletoe The unveiling of the hoodless honda! Taping your twig to your stomach Bryan fishing for compliments at the doctor Bryan’s ball bruising The twists and turns of this story!!!!!!!!! LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us at: 1.855.TCB.8383 Call 626.ASK.TCB3 and leave us a voicemail Speak to TCB LIVE by calling 775.TCB.LIVE (1.775.822.5483) Tuesday-Thursday 12pm-5pm EST Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Written By: Bryan Green Exec Producers: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Content Production & Research: Tina Khano YouTube Producer & Editor: Morgan Please Producer & Audio Editor: Christina A. Executive Director: Astrid B. Associate Producer: Gustavo Episodic Contribution: Marianne, Diane, Natalie, Will The Champ, Will D**

Deck the heart with Bowser Pauline It is the season to be Charlie Don we now are gay or perro? We're tiny ancient, you tight carols Oh Lord yeah! On this episode of the commercial break. Chris, did it hit it hit hard. It hit fucking hard man. Tunnel vision, Zazazuzu, Wawa Wii Wii, the whole nine yards.

I was out, I was gone, I was in a different cube, I was a different human being. I loved it, I was so fucking high. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh yeah, Captain Kins, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green and this is the director of Dancing and Branson. Best Enjoy only best the you could say. Best you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for joining us.

Appreciate it. Well, it's Christmas time season. How are you feeling? Tell me about what is on your gift list this year. So I can know what I wanna get you, but probably won't be able to afford. Hahaha. Even if that list includes Eminem. Oh, just your friendship. Aww, Chrissy, you know all the right words.

But I do not want only your friendship. What would you like? I don't know, $20,000 check, something like that. Oh, okay. Maybe you could call the podcast overlords and tell them to deliver us a $20,000 check. Here at the commercial break. But you know, okay, barring any of that,

what do you want for Christmas? I honestly, you're at a loss? You have everything that you need? I am at a loss, you know. I know, as we get to be adults, it's harder and harder to buy for those that you love that are also growing in age, which is everybody, by the way, everyone's growing in age at all times. That's a scientific fact.

I looked it up, I googled it. Yeah, I mean, I find it really difficult sometimes to buy for certain people, because I don't know what they have that they could not want. Do you know what I'm saying? Exactly. It's like they have everything that they need. Yeah. A gift card is a ridiculous gift,

but one that often is given in lieu of any good idea. Right. And then I'm just out of loss. So we decided we were going to do like a happy, sloppy, Santa kind of thing. Everybody gets a name, pulls out of a hat or some website. Right. That's fun. They have a website now.

You can go to, you input the names, and then you give the email addresses, and then that website is in charge of telling everybody who they are getting for Secret Santa, or happy, slapy, santa, or whatever you wanna call it. That's convenient. It is convenient, and that way there's no one key holder of the information.

Because there's always that one asshole who knows what everybody's gonna get. You know what I'm saying? Who's getting for who? And so to take that pressure off anybody in particular, we just use this website. But we're gonna do happy, slappy Santa in this sense. We are going to give away or buy for one particular person, but it has to be a ridiculous gift. It has to be one of those gag gifts. Those are fun.

Totally agree. Yeah, I like those gag gifts. And I've been doing this for years without prompting. And my fucking family hates me for it. This is their chance to get me back. I have a feeling to no matter who they give who they got in that little, you know, website thing. They're still going to get for me. One year, I put a dirty ash tray, some range balls like golf balls, some range balls, a t-shirt that I had been wearing since I was 13 years old, that had seen its better days, and smelled like it had seen its better days. And then what else did I put in there?

I don't know, like a decapitated GI Joe or something like that head. And I gave it to my brother and I just thought it was the funniest thing in the world and they did not think it was funny. They thought it was a way for me to get out of the, out of me spending money on the kid. Which in a way probably was fine. When you don't have money, you get creative. Yes. And I thought a dirty ash tray

that had by the time I got over it's Christmas eve festivities had spilled all over the inside of the gift. It, you know, it just, maybe it didn't hit really pretty. Yeah, it didn't hit. It didn't hit. This one hits different, you know what I'm saying? I think I got that for Patrick and I'm sure that he's gonna get me back.

I know it's coming. I know it's coming. I'm gonna get like a used condom. I hope not. I hope not also. But you know, when you get to be, when you have children too, you can forget about anybody caring about what they're gonna get you. You know, all becomes about the children.

Exactly. I love buying for my little nephews. Listen, I'm with you. There's nothing like the joy of watching children open up gifts under any circumstance. It's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, whatever it is you celebrate, right? There's nothing quite like the joy until you realize that that thing requires batteries, has multiple pieces that some children can't put in their mouth, and it makes noise. Noise, the noise thing I learned early on to not give those kids.

God bless you, Chrissy. I would be at the house with them, and by the after a few hours of those noises, like the fire truck, you know, or the whatever, games, things that make the noises I was about to lose it. I was like, I'm never gonna do this. Swear to God.

Swear to God. Every gift they get, this is... Woo! Yeah. Stop! Please stop. Please stop. Stop the madness.

Stop giving my children stuff that makes noises Please, stop! Please, stop it, stop the madness, stop giving my children stuff that makes noises or things that are going to certainly kill them and you don't realize because you're not a parent. You know what I'm saying? One time, God bless them. I love them to deities my favorite, one of my favorite human beings on earth,

but Gustavo bought the kids this ever loving, mother fucking Tunnels the tunnels the collapsible tunnels, you know talking about and then you attach I think I saw there's a lot of them because my kids decide every three or four days that that's what they have to play with But you take days to set it up and they play with it for one minute But the worst part about this is it came with these little tiny plastic balls, the kind you would find them like a ball pit. You know what I'm saying? So it came with these goddamn balls.

I mean, balls, balls, balls everywhere, balls, speaking of balls, we'll get to that in a minute, but balls everywhere. There are balls everywhere around this house. Oh, yeah, under the couch, behind the plant, the wherever. I find them in the dishwasher. I find them stuck in the dogs ass. I mean, I find these balls fucking everywhere. I really do find them everywhere.

And so anytime they ask us, it's like, we tried to put them away in a corner one time, like in a closet, and my son found it in lickety split seconds. He had like a ball detector on him. He was like, where are those balls? Let me go sniff those things out. And he found them and then they cry and they mine and they want the balls and set up the fort and do the whole thing.

And then they don't even play with them. We have more toys than we know what to do with. So we're trying to teach him a lesson this year. This is what we said to him. I said, he kids. Listen, there are so many children on this earth who never get to play with any of these kind of toys for whatever circumstances.

And of course, my kids are in that Y stage, so they're like, why? And I'm like, well, some parents can't afford to buy their children toys, you know? And it's really important that if we have more than we actually need, let's go ahead and let's give some of these away. Sure, yeah, share the wealth. Ah! I don't want to do it, I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm like, what am I doing? It's like, guys, you have 6,000 MNF and Mother forkin toys in this one room.

You play with none of them, because you find that a screwdriver or an empty electrical socket is the best thing to play with. Or a stick. Or a stick. Or a stick. We just had a whole meltdown about a stick, and it's certainly gonna poke someone's eye out.

But hold on. So I just, this one child says, I got it, I need to stick, I need to stick, I need to stick. So I lift her up, I said, hey, look, all these toys right here. You get so many toys, there's sticks. They're just not in the same shape and size and, you know, pokiness is the other one.

Can't you just play with one of these? I don't just take, I need this, pick. Why do you need this stick? Frozen. What else do I have to do with frozen? They make the ice with it. No, you don't make the ice with it. There's no real ice.

As you as a wand. There's a wand to make frozen. Well, you got 50 fucking thousand frozen toys. Go play with the frozen. It's not like this stick to stick makes ice. It doesn to make frozen. Well, you got 50 fucking thousand frozen toys. Go play with the frozen. Is that like the stick to stick makes ice? It doesn't make ice. It makes bloody bibles is what it makes. It makes ambulances show up at the houses.

What it makes, it makes my deductible go through the roof. That's what it makes. Stop it. Stop with the toy. Can you please. That's how I gather in your children around. Hey kids, let's go ahead. Let's give some of these toys away.

Let's do that. You pick the toys. Yeah. You pick the toys. But let's give a fair amount of toys to. So you know what I get? I get all the shoes that don't fit, that we can't find the dolls too.

I get the broken glasses that go on the, you know, whatever, the toy story thing. I get the hat from Woody. I get some Christmas pine needles from my fake tree. I get those in the box and I'm like, God, or I get somebody else's toys. You know what I'm saying? So one of my kids is bringing the toys of the other kid

and putting it in the box. The other kid's throwing a fit and she's like, these toys and I'm like, those are, those are not your toys, those are somebody else's toys. Would you have for the kids. That's there for that kid, not for you. You try and teach these kids lessons and just like they don't get it.

And I don't understand. I mean, they're five, don't they know? So they understand. Cause I like one wish is that at least once a day for 15 minutes, we could have like a moment of clarity. Like if I had one, if I had a genie and I could rub a day, for 15 minutes, we could have like a moment of clarity. Like if I had a genie and I could rub a lamp, yeah, rub it's belly, I got blue, I could rub her belly. She's still barking at me.

I wish I could have like, rub the lamp, have this genie come down and the genie says, okay, what are your three wishes? And I would say number one, can this stupid podcast make some money? Number two. Number two, I want an extra two hours of sleep each day. But number three, what I would really like is 15 minutes in which that 15 minute period of time, each day, my children were kids with the mind of a 45 year old.

Do you know what I'm saying? So I could reason with them. So I could logic with them. Whether we could hash it out in a way that I know how to communicate. Not, and I mean, some people might argue, I don't know how to communicate, but that's a different story for a marriage therapist.

Now listen, I just want my children to be able to understand the words that I'm telling them in the way they're intended to say, because you say you're taking toys away. And it is like literally like you. Like a punishment. Yes, it's like a cult, like they have to go to a for a colonoscopy.

And it's like guys, you're five. And in six and four and one and zero. And how many of our kids I have? Don't you guys want to do something good for other children? And literally, this is the response that I get. I do not want to do anything good for other children. Fuck you, baby poopoo. I knew from the second that I met that,

I believe love of yours. You're gonna be taking things away from me. Not that, this is how it's gonna go. You're gonna be on American Express. I'm gonna go to Target, and I'm gonna have three hours to get whatever I want. No, no, you're not. I want to- Okay, you can go for 15 minutes.

Three hours. 20 minutes. Three hours. Half an hour. Three hours? Or? I will shit myself in that target, and I will literally sit there and scream in the All my dad doesn't change my diaper. Okay, three hours, but you can only spend three thousand dollars. I'll spend what I want Thank you very much people just remember

Baby Dante's a little shit. That's what he is. I just want that 15 minute I just want to be able to communicate with my kids like a regular adult adult does. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy? I do. I do. But you got adult children, so you know. I do. I'm very much in prison with them. Can you reason with them? Can you reason with those kids?

Yes. Okay, that's good. The reasoning comes. So there is hope. And if you have the reason with my children, for sure. If you could have anything for Christmas, like anything, I'm talking like, just knock it out of the park. What would you want?

You know what I want? A private island, that's what I want. I want a private island, a private island. I teen and I were talking, I want a private island. You would have a driver? Oh yeah, I know you would have a driver. What happened to you? That's right.

What happened to you? That's why I texted you. I know, but I didn't get the whole story because we haven't talked in person what happened oh well Atlanta traffic it's just nuts it's crazy it's crazy I mean people are so angry and aggressive yes yes cut and left here they're everywhere there's five breaks I see on the way I know it takes me 30 minutes to get here no problem breeze right on up yeah the way, it's a whole different story.

Nadym. Because traffic starts at like two. Yeah. It doesn't stop. What do you mean it starts? It doesn't, it started in 1989 and it hasn't stopped. Yeah. So anyways, ways always kind of takes me on a different way.

Sure. So I'm like, okay. And then you know, it tells me to take one way and I'm, there's, you know, in Atlanta on this certain stretch of the connector, as they call it here, there's how many lanes would you say? Oh, it's 10. Oh, there's 12 on each side. Well, it's like a 24 lane. Well, so the way is it's telling me to go one way, and I'm in that left lane.

I'm all the way over because I know this, I've, I've, I know where it goes and how it works. And I'm going to go around the traffic that's going on that side and blah blah blah blah. Last minute it like all of a sudden says never mind get off and I'm and it's all the way on the right. Oh Lord like I can't cross all of this well you can lots of people do. They're also known as assholes. I'm just going to stay on the turquoise on well good for me except then it's taking me down and there were these buses,

like these college buses. I like the Jordan state buses. Yeah, and it was winding me kind of around through this part of town that has these buses lined up. Well, one was kind of jutting out to the side and kind of at a weird little angle. So I went around it and then all of a sudden, as I'm going around it's like starts up and then kind of like all of a sudden I hear boom. Oh, you're kidding me He just pulled out right in front of you or right inside of you. Yeah Oh, no

So yeah, I got everything was okay I couldn't stop at that point. It was there was too much traffic around you now you're stressed out You've got to go yeah, and I your stressed out, that you've gotta go. Yeah, and I was stressed out, like, what is this looking like when I get home, whatever, and there was a little scratch there, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But, this is why I would have the driver.

Oh my God, Chrissy, holy shit. So he just pulled out right in front of you. And you just kept going. The side, the side made, yeah. He just kept going. Yeah, well, because of all these lanes of traffic that were still coming. Well, side, side, side, side, side, side, side, side, yeah, he kept going. Yeah. Well, we can't see for all these lanes of traffic that we're still coming. Well, I hear you.

I, I, I, I, And if it wasn't your fault, and, you know, who really fucking cares, you deal with it, right? I mean, listen, I also did this one time, driving, first meeting, well, I mean, excuse me, first meeting with, the first meeting with this company

that I used to work for. I got into a horrible car wreck with him. We spun around, we hit another car, a truck hit us. It was a terrible, terrible car wreck. We're luckily no one was seriously injured, but should have been, could have been. And then that was the time the guy told me to hide the gun. Remember I was with my boss. We went to a meeting. We're on our way back from the meeting and the guy is driving like a total

fucking moron because that's how he drives. I was literally scared shitless to drive this guy. He also did this whole number where he pulled over 12 lanes. He's like, oh, I'm missing the exit. You know, he just went for it and he hit a truck and then the truck came swinging back around, hit another car, then another truck hit us. It was terrible. We get out.

I'm in a fucking days. I'm like, oh my god. What just happened? Am I alive? Am I bloody? What happened? You know airbags the whole nine yards the guy gets out of the car He's like, hey, I need you to do me a favor. No. How are you doing everything? Okay? And I'm like what and he's like There's a gun in the console Put it in your bag put it in your computer bag

I'm like I'm not gonna put your fucking gun in my computer bag. Are you insane? Are you insane? I've been working for this company for one week. You think I'm gonna go to jail with a gun for you? And he's like, I can't be caught with this gun. I'm like, well, that makes me more concerned. Why can't you be caught with this gun? Okay, you got a gun.

Tell the guy you got a gun. I don't know. Did they usually check cars when they get into accidents? No, not unless you've been drinking or dropping, like they're not gonna go through your car. Just leave it there. Tell them somebody else to tell them when you got hit by the truck, the truck.

The drivetruck driver threw it in there. Close the door. So there were two bosses in this company. In the second boss, the very first meeting that I went to, I'm driving my soon to be wife's car. And it's an Audi. It's like an Audi A6. to be wife's car. And it's an Audi, it's like an Audi A6, it's a nice car, you know, and I took it

so I can press the boss, I went to drive it in this shit. And of course, he was driving a bicycle and I didn't even have a driver's license. But little did he know, neither did I. I also did not have a driver's license. We had a different story for a different day, but they had taken it away from it. With a valid driver's license. No, they they had taken it away from it. In a valid driver license.

No, they decided I couldn't drive for probably good reasons. What, anyway? So we're getting off an exit, and as we get off the exit, I realize I'm not in the right exit. So I have not even pulled all the way into the exit lane yet. I'm like straddling the lane. When I realize I got to swerve back a little bit to the left because I got to go one exit down. When I realize I got to swerve back a little bit to the left because I got to go one exit down and when I swerve back

the 18 Wheeler with one of those studs on his Tire, you know what I'm talking about like where the lug nuts go But some of the trucks they put these studs on there and I think they do it to just kill people I'm not even really sure why they do it, but this thing tore all the way down the driver's side. And you could literally see outside. You could see outside. He tore a hole in the door so deep that you could you could see daylight coming through.

It was the craziest noise I've ever heard, scary as thing. And I felt like as he was tearing through the car, I kind of got stuck against him. So it's nothing I could do. But then eventually I disconnected from him and I managed to swerve off the exit because I was like, oh shit, we got to stop. Well, that truck kept on plowing. He did not even hit the brakes.

He was just like, I'm going see you later. He must have felt it. He must have felt it. But he just kept on going. And I was like, well, I guess I'll keep on going too. And considering I don't have a driver's license, it's probably a wise idea to just keep going.

Because if I- I'll daylight straight out your door. Yeah, I know. If I form a mother and a low, she was so sweet. She's like, well, it's just a car. And I'm like, it's an Audi A6. Like let's be real about it. It's not just a car.

It's a really expensive car. Well, that's why we have insurance. Unfortunately, you're not insured because I'm also not a driver. A licensed driver. Well, Brian, you've just managed to make this whole situation miserable. I was just going to say it's okay, I was like, okay, let's do that. Yeah, let's go back to that. Yeah, so we went back to that and everything's good.

When in doubt hide your feelings, that's all I got to say, kids. It's the any therapist will tell you, when in doubt, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. When's all I gotta say kids. It's the any therapist will tell you when in doubt shut your mouth. Yeah, shut them down. Hey, let's take a quick break and then I'll get back to talking about more balls. I'd love to tell you about my balls just as soon as we get back from this break. Look, I know you guys are getting really sick of me, but that is too bad. It's my job! Now go to tcbpodcast.com for all of our audio and video content and get your little booty over to youtube.com slash the commercial break for fully edited video episodes. Want a chat?

Leave us a voice mail at 626-ask-tcb3. To embarrass for your voice to be on the show, we understand. Texas instead at 855-TCB-8383. Can't even do that. No worries. Just follow us on TikTok at TCB Podcast and on Instagram at the commercial break. And if you can't even be seen doing that,

just listen to these sponsors and let's get back to the show. Hey, everybody. Want to let you know that this episode is sponsored in part by Factor? Okay, do you want to know what the single biggest challenge for me as a single person was? Shopping for, prepping, and cooking nutritious meals. Do you want to know what the biggest challenge for me as a human with 25 to 60 family members living in my house? Shopping for, prepping, and cooking a nutritious meal.

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So head to FactorMeals.com slash commercial break 50 and use the code commercial break 50 to get 50% off. That's code commercial break 50 at factor meals.com slash commercial break 50 and get 50% off. We also want to thank factor for being a sponsor of the commercial break. Hey, I wanted to mention, did you hear about this baseball player, this Japanese baseball player who got offered 700 million dollars? Yes, he was telling me about it. I thought baseball was in a bit of a slump. People weren't watching it anymore. I love baseball, by the way, and especially when it comes to the boys' fault, like I love

watching postseason baseball. And living in Atlanta, you get a lot of postseason baseball here, right? So it's exciting almost every year. But 700 million dollars. Money. Does one man really bring that much revenue to the front door? I guess it must make some kind of ROI, right? Somehow they've worked up the math.

Million dollars a year. I mean, this guy good for this guy. Good for him. Who knew you could just make that much money for throwing balls and strikes? You know what I'm saying? I think he's, is he a pitcher? I don't know if he's a pitcher, is he a pitcher?

And I don't think he is. I don't think he's a pitcher. I don't know, it's a lot of them. It's the like the highest thing, right? It's the highest, uh, show Hey, O'Tani, signed with the Dodgers on Saturday for the biggest total contract in sports history, with 20 million to 30 million

and deferred money every season. Here's a look at how it stacks up against other big money deals. Show Hi got, uh, 10 years, $700 million. Messi, last time he signed, got $674 million for four years. Holy shit. Wow. Ronaldo. Chrissie on a Ronaldo got $536 million for two and a half years. What in the good

fuck? Yeah, I mean, that's just so much money. You don't even know what to do with it. You have no idea, Chrissie. You have no, we have no idea. We'll never know this kind of money. Will we? No. No. I think we'd have to be on episode like 1,644 to even get in the million dollar range alone, the $700 million rate or Christiana. Chrissy on a Ronaldo is making right at about $180 million a year, $200 million a year. Cristi, that is insane money. Run around a field, kick a ball. Yeah.

God damn, I picked the wrong life. I know. I picked the wrong body to show up in. You know what I'm saying? I show up in this like week. Irish sickly body. Just cragling along. Cristiano Ronaldo's my same age making $200 million a year, kicking some ball down the field. God damn it. What do you think in

Brian? Next time you come back, come back as one of those sports guys, you know, Tiger Woods type or whatever. Tiger Woods clearly has made more money. I think then, Cristiano, I don't know, fucking knows, they all make a billion dollars. And all we're asking is to support the commercial break with a small donation to our GoFundMe page. And, you know, I'd take one tenth of that salary, one tenth of that salary, send it our way,

and we could be making episodes till we die. Because someone would just give me $5.36 million, you know what I'm saying? We'll keep cranking them out. Hey, listen, Are you hearing me? Podcast universe? I'm willing to work for you. Like the little bitch I am for just a small amount of money. Speaking of a little bitch,

I guess we're not having any more little bitches because I did it. I went and got the big V. My V-Day was last week. Yeah. I went and got those little tubes tied, my twigs and berries. stone contact uh there's meaning they're still relatively close to each other but I gotta tell you I I didn't know what to

expect I don't Jeff had this and Jeff is very sweet by the way he's like the guy you contacted me the most I know why I told him about it and uh he in the knee he was like I'll be the lifeline, I'll be his. He did really honestly. His brother and arms. It was really, really sweet. Father and balls. The brother and nuts.

Like, DD canters or forever tied together. Yeah, so I went out of a sect to me and it's been long planned and I put it off a couple of times, but I finally got around to it and I'll tell you what. I don't know what I expected to expect, but I think the whole process was a little surreal and very strange. So the guy tells me when I first go in to see him, I go in to see him for a check up, right? And a process check up because, you know, I'm a guy of a certain age and you got to check those things out and I have a history of prostate cancer in my family. So I go

and I see him. And then as just like a throwaway line, you know, just kind of make friends with the guy. By the way, the guy, not that this matters, but it'll become funny later. It doesn't matter to me that he's gay, but he's gay, right? Okay, he's got a partner. He told me this while we were having a conversation,

while he was holding my balls. So while he's holding my balls, as just kind of like a throwaway line to make small talk, you know, while someone's checking out your testicles. Yeah, a little nervous chatter. Yeah, a little nervous chatter, cold hands the whole nine yards. And by the way, I got, my doctor goes in,

he raw dogs it, no plastic gloves, he washes up and then he just goes for it. And he says, I feel better without the gloves. And I said, hey, listen, you know, you're the professional. Yeah, trust me, do you? You do you, listen, you're the professional. You do you. At least you wash your hands. Most people have touched my balls, did not wash their hands before hands.

So I do appreciate that. So I say, hey, what about a vasectomy doc? And he says, oh, you want to get a vasectomy? I've been done a couple thousand of those, you know, my career here. I know how to do that. We can do that. 15-minute procedure. I said 15 minutes.

He goes 15-minute procedure. He goes the 15 minutes, he goes, 15-minute procedure. He goes, the procedure's 15 minutes. You might be there for an hour. He says, listen, I do this thing. I give you something called pro-nox. It's something some people have, some people don't. But I give you a pro-nox. He's never had laughing gas at the doctor, at the dentist.

Oh yeah, I don't go to the dentist unless I get laughing gas. It's the way they get me in the front door. They say, hey, you want to get high for a couple hours? Sure, no problem, I'll go. So I said, oh, really? And he goes, yeah, but the difference is, at the dentist, you get that little nose thing.

Well, the gas is leaking out all over the place. You don't really get deep breaths. You know, sometimes your nose is stuffy. Like, he goes, it's not any, and they only turn it on a certain amount. He's like, they don't give you the good stuff. They just kind of give you some stuff to relax you, right? He's like, he's like, he's, the pro-knocks is a revolutionary way

of doing nitrous oxide. Well, I don't think anything's revolutionary about nitrous oxide. Hippies have been doing it since the 60s. I mean, I don't think there's anything really revolutionary. But what he says is that I get to hold this tube that I put in my mouth and I suck as I feel it necessary. Oh, okay.

It's got a little bite on it, so you can bite down. And I guess basically I feel it necessary. Oh, okay. It's got a little bite on it so you can bite down. And I guess basically the thought is, if you should lose consciousness, right, the procedure, the thing will fall out of your mouth, right? Yeah. So you won't be in any kind of danger. Because I do know when I've been to the dentist, I've said, hey, I don't think this is working because I don't feel like it. Maybe it's just my constitution from years of narcotic abuse, but I'm like, I'm not really

feeling it. And my dentist, yeah, exactly. just my constitution from years of narcotic abuse, but I'm not really feeling it. And my dentist always says, she says, listen, if I turn it up, and I'm happy to, if you want me to, you're paying the bill, if I turn it up, I have to have someone stand here with you, because I guess that, you know, I guess you can't get too much not your stock side.

Like that one time my friend did free on and landed in a TV. But, which is like not just stock side, just to deprive your brain of oxygen, essentially. So I say, okay, great. You know, he goes, listen, it's great. You control it. And that way, we're not to worry and all this other stuff. I said, okay, you sign me up for the program. Let's do it. Whatever, 100 bucks, 100 bucks. I said, that's like two years of commercial break episodes, but I'm going to go for it. It's large. So the big day shows up and he says, oh, and the good news is you can drive. Like, I don't have to give you any kind of like, you know,

Xanax or anything like that to sell you down. I just have this pro-nox. It's okay, look great. So, day arrives. I show up at the little surgical center. I'm there. And as I'm walking down this like really long, non-descript hallway, there is a lady,

an older lady pushing a man, and even older man in a wheelchair. Chrissy, I'm guessing 90. That's my guess, 90. And she's pushing him in a wheelchair, but she's like looking around and swarving him all around. I'm walking down this hallway. And I say, oh, you're looking for the urologist? And she said, yeah, I don't. I can't see that. I know it's on the door or whatever. And I said, oh, yeah, I'm looking for the same thing. If I find it, I'll let you know, so I turn a couple of corners and I find it. And I said, oh yeah, I'm looking for the same thing. And I mean, if I find it, I'll let you know. So I turn a couple corners and I find it. And I saw I run back to the hallways and,

hey, right down here, you know, and then I go and I help give this guy a push into the office. Yeah, of course, you know, last good deed before, last good deed is I'm sealing up my, sealing of my penis from additional pain and suffering of children, which is not my pain and suffering,

by the way, it's aster, as I just have to deal with giving the toys away. So I push him in there, I roll him in there, 90, 90, right? He is in bad shape. I mean, his hair's all over the place. He looks like a 90 year old man is what it looks like. Typical, 90 year old man, in a wheelchair, slippers,

pajama pants, you don't want to be sick, the whole night. So she goes in, she's checking this guy in, and he's a small waiting room, and we all sit down and writing down the papers and she says Do you think I have enough time to go park the car? She says this to the old man. He's like I gotta go park the car Huh? I gotta go park the car All right, and then she says to the lady do I have enough time to go park the car

And the lady goes yeah, he's getting a vasectomy so he really don't need to be here in this office like you can go and will push him back and all the other stuff and i'm thinking of myself this motherfucker's getting a vasectomy for what fucking reason with this nine year old need a vasectomy he can't even put a slipper all the way on he's gonna be fucking some people and make it baby what is the point well was it a Charlie Chaplin? Charlie Chaplin. Way late. But you know, yeah. Oh, God. I just thought to myself, this poor bastard, he's 90 and someone's telling them he needs a vasectomy. He's either had a life that you cannot forget, like that kind of life you want to sit down and talk to him about, which I don't know, not sure he could communicate to you. Or he's causing problems at the retirement home.

He's running around chasing the nurses, you know what I'm saying? So I'm like, well, I guess what I'm in good hands here, we got a bunch of it. There's a couple other guys too that are like my age. And I can only imagine they're there. We're at the surgical center. Right. But not the surgery, not like a surgery room,

a surgical center. Sure. So you're not getting your prostate taken out here. You're getting your balls clipped. So they call my name, I go back there and it's all female nurses that are running around here and the lady comes in, she says, whatever. Would you do your exfoliation?

Oh, Chrissy, I gotta say all the prep work. Is there's a whole process? I did all the prep work, yes I did. I had done prep work a couple times now because I pushed it off a couple times So my balls were already pretty pretty clear. They're in good shape They were in good shape, but I didn't need to do a freshen up on the razor You know, so I take the same razor that I use for my face now. I'm using for my balls

You know, it all makes much sense to me. I'm like I thought to myself. I should probably change the razor And I just shaved my balls with it But I shaved my balls which is a very precarious task, I might ask. You have to do it carefully. Yeah, your balls, it's like shaving saran wrap. Imagine you're shaving saran wrap. Saran wrap, saran wrap.

Hi, I'm Brian Green. So she comes in, she takes my blood pressure, she says, okay, now I'm going to listen closely because I'm going to give you instructions before you get the product, so I'm going to give you instructions. You can't get up on a bed, try to stay in bed for at least two, if you can do three, do three days. You can't lift anything over 10 pounds, which there's nothing in this house that doesn't

weigh at least 10 pounds. And I'm like, okay, she's like, you can't lift over 10 pounds, if you can, keep that for seven to 10 days. She goes, you're going to have some discomfort afterwards. That's why we gave you some medicine. They gave, you know, keep that for seven to 10 days. She goes, you're gonna have some discomfort afterwards. That's why we gave you some medicine. They stole out the pain medicine now. Like it's, I don't know, like it's a last chocolate on earth. They're like, here's one tablet.

Yeah, good luck, sir. And, you know, ice is your best friend. Ice on and off, ice on and off. Every 20 minutes on, every 20 minutes off, do that as often as you can, because that will really help the discomfort and the swelling and I'm like the swelling you're gonna I'm gonna have swelling and she's like it's possibly you're gonna swelling he's gonna go in there he's gonna cut around like

there's gonna be some swelling okay fine no problem she takes my blood pressure through the fucking room of course I'm sitting there with my huge Starbucks cup of coffee my my Baba. I'm sitting there with my Baba. Baba. Peep peep. I cannot go anywhere without a glass of water. I take water everywhere too. I do too and I just look behind me and I left my water outside. So I know, isn't that suck? Let's suck more in the middle of an episode and you're thirsty and you're like, fuck, I can't do this. I don't want to stop the whole episode. That's just a big pain in the ass.

So I'm drinking this coffee, she's like, wow, your blood pressure is pretty, it's not like super high, but it's elevated, so let me go talk to the doctor. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to do this the second time, please. Just do this. Just do it, yeah.

Just get this over with. Like, I have this coffee. I'm a little bit nervous. I'm getting my balls chopped. I don't know what to expect. And she says, okay, well, let's take it. I'm gonna give you five minutes. Let's take it a second time.

Second to second time. It's a little bit lower. Okay. So they bring me into this room. She brings me into the room. And she says, okay, Mr. Green, it's like a little surgical room, right? And there's a table.

But Chrissy, that table is the size of this table. It's not a full bed. It's a half table. It's a a full bed. It's a half table. It's a table for either small people or small children. It's not a table for adults. If I lay with my head at the end of it, my ass is hanging off the bottom of it. You know what I'm saying?

So she's like, okay, I need you to disrobe everything from the waist down. If you want to leave your socks on, leave your socks on. Of course, I'm leaving my socks on. Who the, what kind of animal do you think I am? I'm gonna walk around a surgery center with my bare feet. Come on. First of all, second of all,

I couldn't be in a more compromising position. Who the fuck cares if I'm wearing socks? You know, I don't give a shit. I'm really sure, be to be warm. That's right, I'm on my toes, these to be warm. So I get everything off and I'm in my t-shirt and these things and they give you this paper thin piece of paper to put over you, right?

Oh yeah, the doctor paper. Yeah, so I put it over me and I'm just like uncomfortably trying to sit on this thing, trying to relax a little bit but I can't. And I'm in one of those weird, quizzical, what is the right thing to do here? I really wanna use my phone, cause I know it's gonna be 15 to 20 minutes

before we actually get started. I really wanna use my phone, but I'm phones all the way over there. Yeah, and you've already got yourself on the table. Yeah, I've got myself strangely situated on the table. So my balls are just hanging off the end of the table. I thought maybe that's how he was gonna go in. I'd have to spread my legs and he'd just

dangle my balls over the table. I thought maybe that's how he was going to go in. I'd have to spread my legs and he'd just dangle my balls over the edge. Yeah, like, you know, it's a mistletoe or something. I don't know. He's just going to hang the mistletoe over the edge. Hold it. Just get to it. So I'm like, okay, all right. Well, you know, but what I was really concerned about is what if the nurse comes in and here I am Jimmy Jammin all around the surgery room Just The T shirt on yeah What if I'm like bending over to get my phone on the chair and she comes in and then she sees my balls from the back Is that the way they go in do I have to lay over the table? I don't know

I don't see any stirrup so I took that as a good sign that I didn't have to put my legs here. It is curious. It is curious. Yes, I don't know why. I still don't got no answers to this, but eventually they pulled out a little thing so I can stick my... Oh, like an extension. Yeah, but it's short enough that the only thing you can do is stick your legs up on it. Like you're like you're on like you're in stir-ups. Yeah.

So I'm like, okay, fuck the phone, Brianny. You know, for 15 minutes in your goddamn adult life, you could just stare at the ceiling, right? And I can hear the gas going right next to me, so I'm like, pretty soon to give you gas and I won't need the phone. It's probably best that I don't have the phone actually, now that they're gonna give me nitrous.

So I'm sitting there, little piece of paper over me. My Twigs and Barriers just one thin piece of paper away from showing the world. And of course, you know, I go into instant massage mode, like, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner. Why I would get a boner, I don't know, but please don't let it happen here. And so just as I'm talking myself out of,

yet into a boner, the lady comes in, you know what I'm saying? I'm talking about it so much. It's happening. Just as I'm getting a little softy, lady comes in, you know what I'm saying? I'm talking about it so much. It's happening. Yeah. Just as I'm getting a little softy, I'm like, okay. I keep on adjusting it my seat, by the way. I'm so uncomfortable. Maybe a short episode of the commercial break. So the lady, the first lady was just a lady.

She was just a lady, nondescript lady. She came in, she was taking my blood pressure to a very nice suite, and obviously efficient at her job. The second nurse who came in, well, of course, you know, you've got nurse Pamela Anderson, who walks in the door, and say, nurse Lepa, to a Lepa,

Dr. Lepa comes in, and she's like, oh, I'm glad to be your nurse today. And I'm like, okay, great, fantastic. And she's like, so what, what we're gonna do first? Let's go ahead and we're going to start the pro-knocks for you. And if you feel any discomfort at any time, you just take a deeper breath. She's like, the more you breathe in,

very deeply out there, your nose, the better you're going to feel, okay? You got it? And I'm like, okay, I got it. Yeah, I got it. I've been doing a few fish concerts, I know. I know how to do nights. I'm excited, man. I got it. Yeah, I got it. I've been doing a few fish, because I know. I know how to do nights.

I'm excited, man. Let's go. We're so strong. Do you have a balloon I could do? Yeah. Yeah. I gotta get the second hand. You know what I'm saying?

I don't want a wastety of it. So she goes on, she grabs a little thing, she puts on a new thing, she says, hey, okay, you hold this to your mouth. If you want to just bite on it, you can just keep it in like that. She goes, but you know, kind of hold it. And that way, if anything happens,

it'll just drop out of your mouth. Like if you get a little bit too much nights or so excited, it'll just drop out your mouth. And I'm like, can you tape it to my mouth? Is that possible? I know, right? I just wanted to tape to my mouth. So it's this tube.

And I, she's like, give me five, 10 good deep deep breaths. And I'm like, of course, I'm like, I'm like Of course, I'm like a zang workin the same fog and workin the same workin this ain't workin this ain't workin this ain't workin I'm in a different zip code Chrissy did it hit it hit hard it hit fucking hard man Tunnel vision, Zazazuzu, Wawa wee wee, the whole nine yards. I was out. I was gone.

I was in a different, I was a different human being. I loved it. I was so fucking high. I mean, higher than I've ever been at any dentist office, higher than I've ever been at any fish concert. Like I've got to get one of these. They sell it right across the street. The only thing I could think of when I was high was I got to been in the fish concert. Like, I've got to get one of these. They sell it right across the street. The only thing I could think of when I was high was,

I got to go across the street and get me one of these. And then I thought it'd be a little weird if I was running out to the pool shed every 15 minutes. It came back stumbling. Yeah. My kids might take notice. Chrissy, this pro-knock shit, I'm telling you what, it is the jam.

If you ever get a vasectomy, or if you're just looking to get high, get a vasectomy, ask for the pro-nax. You know what I'm saying? So they give me this pro-nax and I am sucking and all I keep telling myself while I'm sucking, even though I'm in this tunnel vision, black hole, K hole, down and I'm down with the, I'm down in middle earth right now. Even though I'm down in middle earth, the only thing my brain keeps saying is, keep on breathing deep. Keep on breathing deep.

I'm not gonna get high on that. I'm not gonna get high on that. I'm not gonna get high on that. Yeah. So I'm breathing and then I'm not gonna get higher on my chest. I'm gonna get higher on my chest. Yeah. So I'm breathing. And then I don't understand what's going on because I'm really just concentrating on how fucked up I am. Had the doctor come in?

The lady is still in the room. This feels like 30 minutes. It's been 30 seconds. And she's like, Are you feeling it? And I'm like, oh yeah, I'm feeling it a little bit. She's like, it looks like it. Okay, I'm gonna get you prepped now.

And I was like, okay, what is that? And off goes the little thing. She just like rips it off. She's like, she's unveiling a new car on Christmas Day. To the disappointment of everybody, it's Amazda Mianna from 1997. She was looking for a Range Rover she got a Mazda Mianna Yeah, they're a Honda Accord with no hood, you know

Probably wasn't so she just rips it off. There's no one else in the room I thought that was like not a thing I thought you had to have other people in the room when you were like touching somebody's private parts I don't know. I guess that's what it was like to me. Well, I've never gotten to be sex in people before either, but I've had people touch my nuts and I think it usually is like if you're someone of the opposite sex, I'd there's some rule that she wasn't adhering to, but whatever. When you're so I know why she gave me the pro nox first, she's like, fuck it. I'm going to touch this guy's, he's going to be high

as fucky, ain't got to care. Well, I probably wouldn't care it in the first place, but let's be high as fuck anyway. So she rips it off and then she starts fondling the twigs and berries. Let's say fondle. She wasn't fondling. She's a big, very professional. She's lifting and checking.

Yeah. She's like, I gotta clear out the tubes one more time. Hope we don't mind. Take a deep breath for me. She was being very professional about it, right? To the point where she was like grabbing the head, the twig with her fingertips, you know? Okay.

Which, that's how most women have grabbed my penis with the fingertips. It's not much to it. So she grabs it, she makes sure it's in the right place. Then she tapes it to my stomach. Oh, she tapes my twig. Yeah, she flipped it, she makes sure it's in the right place. Then she tapes it to my stomach. Oh, she tapes my twig. Yeah, she flipped it up, taped it there. And now I'm thinking to myself in middle earth in a different zip code. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. Please don't get a boner. I was like, Oh, no. And, and then, Chrissy, I've never taken a nice bath.

I'm not one of those guys. I hate cold showers, I'm not one of those guys. The only time I've been in really, really cold water is when I was jumping in after Niko when he blindly just ran into the pool when it was middle of January. That's the only time I've had that sensation. I know I admire the people that like to do those clothes.

So do I. I love them. Things they always look really fit too, and I'm like, maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe that's it. Or maybe you have to be fit in order to do that, in which case that's probably unlikely to happen. And the truth is, I love watching those people

take those ice baths from YouTube. I do not want to do it myself. I have no interest in being around cold water. So, you know what happens next? I'll tell you right after this break. Sorry, I know I got to leave a little clip hanger for you. Okay, so let's take a short break and then I'll finish my story about how my twigs and berries got disconnected in just one moment.

Hello again, my little podcast pals. It's Christina, and I am just here to remind you once again to go on over to tcbpodcast.com because of that is where all of our episodes live. Want to get involved with the show? Leave us a voice mail at 626-ask-TCB3. If you don't want your voice played on the show, because look, I get it. I'm only here under duress.

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[♪ Music fades out. [♪ Music fades out. [♪ Music fades out. [♪ Music fades out. [♪ Music fades out. Did you dip your balls in it? No. Oh. Oh. So she says at one point, okay, I'm gonna put some iodine on you. Is that iodine that they put that red stuff? Yeah, okay. She says, I'm gonna put some iodine on you. I can't even understand what she's saying, because I'm so wow on my head. But she's like, I'm gonna put some iodine on you. This may feel cold.

May feel cold. May feel cold. I have never in my life felt something so cold as the washcloth full of iodine that she was rubbing all over the shaft of my penis. It was so fucking cold. And even as high as I was, it felt disturbing to me. But then the next thing that she did surprised me even more. She took the bottle of iodine and she poured it all over me, like all over my crotch, just dumped it on my crotch. It went directly into my, into my netherhole, you know what I'm saying?

Backly into my aphienes, to which I just puckered right up. I was like, oh, and she was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And the only thing that I could think is, I'm Brian Green from the commercial break. This is a perfect time for a joke. So I said, it's okay. I just don't know how you look at a penis any other way after you get out of work. And she says, how do you know it's penises that I like?

Ah, there you go. And then she goes, it's just medical to me. It's like an organ, you know? It's just another organ. I see so many of them, so many shapes and sizes. And I was like, how does mine add up? And she goes, not gonna go there? The doctor will be in an organ. Yeah, it's just another organ. I see so many of them, so many shapes and sizes. And I was like, how does mine add up? And she goes, not gonna go there? The doctor will be in an immediate.

And I'm just like, I'm not doing enough to say to the commercial break, as I had suspected earlier in my, in my NO2 induced coma. I must have been sitting in that room for 10, 15 minutes. I mean, no one in there. I am just breathing as heavily as I can. I am in fiction.

Iodine, the iodine smell, it's so cold, it's in my asshole, it's all over my legs, it's everywhere, I'm so uncomfortable. But I managed to take enough deep breaths that I get out of that zone, and now I'm just right back to my happy place. I'm at a fish concert, a DVD dab, this is in these ingors, you know, a tray is going to come out and play something. I don't know. Goose, you know the new band Goose? Oh, yeah. Goose. I feel like I'm at a Goose concert. That's what I feel like. So finally, I hear a knock at the door, Mr. Green, and I'm like, uh, come in. Who else would it be? Mr. Green and I'm like, uh, come in. Yeah, who else would it be?

What? And by the way, you know I'm naked from the waist down. Why are you knocking on the door? With your penis shut. Yeah, with my penis taped to my belly button. Why in the, what? I'm in the most uncomfortable position of my life. I'm so confused in the short table for you.

I don't know, but when he came in, he pulled that, yes, I'm just like, hey, my ass is just like hanging over. I got my legs down on this little holdy-upy thing. All right. And I'm high as a fucking kite. Yeah, the whole thing is just weird. So he comes in and he's like, okay, you know, I'm really sorry, I was running late.

I had a little thing to deal with. And I'm like, I hope you're not like having a bad day. You know what I'm saying? A little thing to deal with. And that what you do for a living is deal with little things? Here's a little thing you can deal with. But I'm thinking to myself, get take your time there, doc, take your time. I'm enjoying the ride over here. And he says, okay, I'm going to dope you up with a little, it's kind of like no vacane

for the skin. It's, you know, whatever it is. Light a can. Yeah, light a can. So he starts sticking a needle into my mouth. Wow. Needle, needle, needle, needle, needle. Probably 12 times. Shot, shot, shot, needle, needle. Probably 12 times. Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot. I don't care how much N02 you're on. When someone starts sticking a needle in your dick, you know about it. You know what I'm saying?

You were aware. You were aware. Yes, I had, it was definitely, it was going on in my brain. Someone's touching your penis in an uncomfortable way. Maybe high, but just be aware. Things may not be going well down there. This is not the sensation we're used to. So he starts sticking this needle in and then he's like,

okay, I'm going to give it about five minutes to warm up. So just keep on breathing. Remember, the deeper you breathe, everybody in this office is geared towards getting you as high as possible. They're all saying the same thing. And by the way, I'm all for it. Yeah.

If you're gonna pay $100 for the nitrous oxide and you want it to work, go ahead and suck that baby down as hard as you can. Can't get it in, yeah. I mean, have a regulator on there. You know, there's some kind of safety measure I think to myself as I'm sitting in this K hole. I'm like, clearly, I'm not gonna die.

But I feel so out of body. Like, I'm in some weird universe. I'm not gonna die, but I feel so out of body. I'm in some weird universe. I'm sure. He comes back, he slices and dices. You can feel it a little bit, right? And I'm just thinking to myself, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't wanna see that.

No, I don't wanna see that. It's like that time of the Asteroids giving birth to our first child. The doctor's like, you wanna see his head's out. And I was like, what are you saying that moment? Don't I'm an awful father and I can't handle it? No, you say, of course, I'm a man. I'm going to pull up my balls and I'm going to take a look. I should have never looked. I should have never looked. So I'm telling myself, don't look, don't look, don't look, but I'm high as a fucking kite too. So at one point, I try to like sit up, raise my

head a little bit, and the doctor literally takes his elbow, because now his hands are covered in my blood and see me. He takes his elbow and pushes my head back down. He goes, ah, yeah, he goes, no, let's just stay still right there. Nothing here you want to see. Let me deal with this and you deal with that end. I know. He goes think. So, so then he's going through the procedure and I, you know, Brian's doing another episode of the commercial break in his head, right? And I'm like, so I go, so hey, Doc, is this the best looking penis you've seen today? And you know what he says to me? He goes, you don't want to hear my truth for answers to that.

I've got your balls spread wide open. I was like, fair enough, doc, fair enough. And then I wanted what I, and I'm like, I can tell that joke, but I wanted to say some other joke, but I didn't. I'm doing a whole episode of the commercial. Yeah. Yeah. I had spinning. That's right. Soze me back up, says, okay, you know, you're done.

Nurse comes in five minutes later. I'm still sucking on the hose. Comes in five minutes later to clean up and do this and do that. And she says, okay, whenever you're ready, just go ahead and throw that. You can throw that pipe down on the ground, get yourself dressed and go, I am covered in iodine.

Red as a rabbit. I mean, I swear to, red as a rabbit. I mean, I swear red as a rabbit. Red as a rabbit, red. I'll have to keep going up with that. Red is a robin, I think is what I should've said. Red is a rob. So, Chrissy, I'm like, nope, not gonna let go of the hose. Not until someone comes in, it tells me I have to.

She said, whenever you're ready, well, I don't have to be ready right now. This is all going on in my very high mind right now. So I keep sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking, I'm laying there, I'm sucking. And so I don't know what it was because I didn't have my, you know, time-telling device, also notice my iPhone on me,

but I must have been in there. I'm guessing 10 minutes, getting ever more high, ever more high, ever more high, sucking on this thing until Mr. Green, you okay in there? And I'm like, like, and she comes and peeks around the corner and she's like, you didn't get dressed yet. And I'm like, no, why? And she's like, well, we do need the room for someone else. When once you go ahead and take the pipe out of your mouth, and whenever you're ready, you can get dressed.

Yeah, she's, yeah, she's, we're wrestling back and forth with it. I'm going to shut up the valve. No, you're not. I think 100 dogs. I want my money's worth. And I was like, just a minute. I'll be there in a minute, you know, like that whole number. And she's like, why don't you give me the hose?

And we'll start there. And I was like, oh, yeah, I was like a little dejected baby. Get cleaned up as much as I can. She's like, here, here's some wapies. Well, the wapies don't take iodine off. Nothing takes iodine off. It sticks with you for days. It does.

Chrissy, I'm telling you what, I got home and I was so hept up from my, you know, hour long adventure on NO2. Dancero. Yeah, and the light of Cain was still in effect. I'm just dancing around the house. I'm walking up and down. I got to make a phone call. I got to do this and that.

Worst fucking thing I ever did. Yeah, you should have come home and went to bed. It says right on the piece of paper, go home, get in bed immediately. Yes. I sit immediately get out of bed. I did not do that. I did not take the doctors advice. And man did I pay for it the next day.

I have never in my life seen a hematoma, also known as a bruise, like the bruise that my both of my testicles had that's's still here today, by the way. Chrissy, black is that screen, swear to God, my balls are black is that screen. And it really freaked me out. And that's why Jeff came in handy because Jeff was like, I don't worry about it, dude, yeah, that's perfectly normal.

But ice, ice, ice. And by the way, I could feel the pressure of them swelling up. I felt like two baseballs were down there. So here I am, I'm in bed being a bad patient. As Astrid will tell you, I always am. She's saying lay down, lay down, and I'm feeling bad because the kids are running around screaming and yelling, the bulldog's barking. I know I wanted to help. And she's like, if you get an infection, yeah, no, you do not. You're going to be down for weeks, fuck you, lay down in the bed.

I hate you not when I'm in the infection. Yeah, Astrid doesn't care whether or not I'm really healed. She cares whether or not she has to do extra days with the children. So she's smartly telling me to lay down so I don't get an infection. Well, I will tell you what, at some point during the evening, I get up and I gotta eat something. So I'm like, okay, now I'm hungry, I'm nauseous.

It feels like you got kicked in the balls, but the feeling never went away. It's like this persistent feeling that you've just been kicked in the balls. I'm walking in the hallway about to get in the kitchen and my son is standing at the stairwell right next to the door to the kitchen and my son swings around and he goes,

stop, like he's playing a game and he smacks me right in the penis. Chrissy, I fall down, I fall immediately down, down on my butt, down on my head, like a whole, like, like a real fall, right? Not one that you pre-plan, not one for exaggeration, one because the pain level just went to 70 out of 10. And as I fall down, Chrissy, I swear to God, this happens and my son will tell you this when you walk out the door. A roach falls on the floor. door, a roach falls on the floor. It's been raining here for like days on end. And whenever it rains, we always get this random like, you know, uh, uh, palmetto bug that cheers up

quote unquote, unquote, it's a freaking roach. Don't call it a palmetto bug. I don't care Florida. It's not a palmetto bug. We don't have palmetos. So this roach falls on the floor right next to me. But the whole family is now run up to see what's meadows. So this roach falls on the floor right next to me, but the whole family is now run up to see what's going on. So it's asteroid, all the children, the dog is barking, the roach is right next to me, and my children start crying bloody murder, literally tears coming out of their face,

they're running away, they're scared. My son, the one who hit me, thought that he had hit me in the penis, the boo-boo, right, on my penis. That's what we called it, the boo-boo, on my penis and a roach had come out. That's what he thought. That's what was in his head. The roach came out. It took me three hours to convince my son that roaches don't come out of your penis. That's not what happens. And by the way, even if I tried, Roaches couldn't come out of my penis anymore. It's disconnected. Can't make babies, can't make Roaches.

Oh, I'm glad you made it. Well, I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. Yeah, it takes a little while. It does. You know, it's, and when you look back on it, you'll be like, oh, it was a couple days. I told Jeff, you know, I said, if you remember, it's a little bit more of an ordeal. And you think it, it's gonna be. And everyone makes it sound like, I got a day or two with ice. Yeah, boom, boom.

Yeah, it's like when women get pregnant, that chemical goes in their brain, they forget the actual birthing part, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, all the men who have gotten vasectomy said, forgotten the actual part, where you gotta watch out for your son smacking you in the vault.

By the way, he slept with me in the bed that night, and he's just a kicker. That's what he does. He's just kicking me all the way along in the potato. I'm like, ah, ah, ah! And he's like, Daddy, are there bugs coming out? No, son, there aren't. But you keep on kicking me,

and you might see something you don't want to. Like, two volleyballs attached to Dad's ping-pang. All right, tcbbodgas.com. That's where you find out more about my penis Call the audio all the videos right there at one location You get your free piggy-fronting sticker go to the contact us button drop down menu I want my sticker give us your address. We'll send it off in seven to ten days one six two six Ask tcb the number three that's, 6, ask TCB, the number 3, that's 6, 2, 6, ask TCB, the number 3. toll free from anywhere in the world.

Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We are taking them all. We'd love to hear from you. Please give us a text message. Drop us a review on your favorite podcast player. That's always a helpful thing to do. I'm not sure why, but that's what they say. So go ahead and do that at the commercial break on the ever growing Instagram. I'm ever growing, because when you go from 1 to 2, that's 100% growth, Chris.

Yeah, we're exploding. Yeah, we're on 4. So, at the commercial break, on Instagram, TCEB podcast, on TikTok, and please do a favor, go to the YouTube page, youtube.com. Slash the commercial break. We did that episode with Steve O. And I don't, we must be shadow band from YouTube. I know we are actually. And someone left a comment, I fart and get more views that this Steve O video. I wanted to say yes, you're right. That's true. All right, Chrissy, that is definitely all I can do today. All this hopping around got me sore. Gotta go take care of my baseballs.

I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I do say, we always say, and we must say, good balls. Good balls. I'm going to do a little bit of the same thing. I take a dick and keep on lickin'.