The Commercial Break - Bryan's Squirrel Saga

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Episode #608: If you ever think Bryan is being too mean to Blue, just re-listen to this episode and feel your heart fill with squirrelly warmth. Hurricane Helene Bryan’s neck, back, pussy, and crack Cream and grapenuts! We actually did get the nicky jam exclusive  Deers! Bryan’s squirrel saga Practice safe squirrel rescue He’s the SAVIOR! Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and protect that lead. That's like 2FA on Kraken. A surefire way to keep what you already have safe and sound. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. I manage my department and I've been doing that for several years now. And God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way. Your department's just you, right?

Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage. On this episode of the Commercial Break. Peaches is my new best friend. What? What did you say? Someone's licking the electric socket? Fear not. Peaches is fine. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, boy! Oh, yeah, Captain Kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Helene to my eye. And Kristen Joy Oldley, best to you, Kristen.

Best to you, Brian. How do you say it? Helene or Helene? Helene. Helene to my Ivan, Kristen Joy Otley, best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. How do you say it, Helene or Helene? Helene. Helene. It doesn't look like it's said like that, but what do I know? I'm not a hurricane expert. Tomato.

Yes, as you're hearing this, we are bunkered down. We have the generators on. Yeah, batten down the hatches. Yes, we have the hurricane shutters out. The generator is on because every once in a while, a hurricane comes to Atlanta. It's 468 miles inland. And we have a hurricane coming to us.

Thanks global warming. Thanks for all you do. I mean, it's unbelievable. Yeah, it's like the largest one in a century. Yeah, I remember the one that came to Miami. I think it was Ivan. Maybe it was Ivan. I don't know, the one that came through Miami a couple of years back. I mean was Ivan I don't know the one that came through Miami a couple years back

It was like eight years back six years back something like that and it also came through it. Oh, was it? But I we had a bunch of people come from Miami all the Venezuelans came from Miami to stay with us because it was Looking like it was gonna be disastrous down there. Well, it wasn't disastrous down here there. But here there was like four hours 6050 mile per hour winds. The house sounded scary. It was scary. And that's not even a real hurricane. That's just like a whew, whew.

That's like a- Tropical storm. It's a universal fart. That's right. So here comes the hurricane and I don't know. We'll just figure out what happens, I guess. Yeah. But Gustavo came in today.

Gustavo! And you tell me you're picking him up. I started singing that in my head. I know, it's my favorite. The international man of mystery, Gustavo. Now living here in the United States and we're all very happy, or at least temporarily. He's here to go to school.

He's getting his master's degree. Such a smart young man. Oh, that's right, that's right. Yeah. I tell my kids, follow following Gustavo's footsteps. Yes. This podcasting shit ain't working out. Following Gustavo, he's an engineer.

See that guy? I know, see that guy? See that tall uncle? See your uncle? He's handsome. He's smart. He's strong. And his boner probably works.

Following his footsteps. Gustavo, Gustavo. Anyway, a lot of excitement here around the house. Also want to say that thank you to the many people who have now texted in wishing me well on my health journey and a few that didn't wish me so well, but that's okay. We'll take that. We'll take it as it comes. No, everybody to a last has just been wonderful and understanding about the shows. I believe that the venues have now offered refunds to everybody. Okay. And so if you haven't gotten that email yet, I'm sure you will shortly.

If you have any problems, reach out to the venue. If you can't reach the venue and you have like a crazy problem, then you can always text us and I'll do what I can. Christy and I are working hard to reschedule those shows in 2025, early 2025. So stay tuned. As soon as we sign those contracts, we'll let people know we're not gonna say anything until we sign the contracts we learned our lesson last time. And then we may add it.

We may tag a few more shows onto the Florida shows also. So stay tuned. Lots of exciting stuff. We're gonna do it. Just let me go and get my neck cut wide open and then I'll be back. I told the doctor. And your back fused together.

And my back fused together. And then we'll go from there. I was talking with someone, I can't remember which one it was, Sean Morris maybe, I can't remember. I was talking with one of our like super fans and they were saying, man, I got bulging discs in my back,

it's miserable, I know all about it. And I said, yeah, I got that too, but that's not what I'm dealing with. I got that also. But I can deal with the back as long as I get this fucking thing cut out of my throat, man. I'll tell you what, it's not fun. It's not fun. It's not fun. And I just keep telling Astrid, I said, my boner doesn't work because my neck's all fucked up. Once I get my hyperparathyroid

isn't taken care of, then I'll get my low T taken care of and then we'll be all good. I'll be back in action. Give me a couple of years to recover, babe. Exactly. I was going to say, give me a year. Yeah. By the time I'm 55 and in the retirement home, I'll be hard as a rock and happy as a clam. I swear to God, it's all coming together. You're in for the long day. Oh man, I'm in for the long day.

But thank you very much to everybody who reached out. I really do appreciate it. It doesn't mean a lot. I know we goof a lot here on the show, but that's the way we're getting through our miserable lives is by making you laugh. So congratulations. Congratulations to you. It really was in true TCB style.

There was no other outcome. There was no other outcome that could be expected. I had a phone call with our network today and somebody was like, Oh, how did the live shows go? And I go, obviously you don't listen to the show because you would have known that I'm not down there. And they were like, oh no, what happened? And I said, I don't want to repeat it, but just know that I got some health concerns. And then they were like, you're still gonna do the show, right? And I was like, yeah, don't worry.

This golden throat is still gonna continue to make you money. Golden throat. If nobody else, you. Yeah, if nobody else, yeah. We'll figure it out. I got a couple kids, they can jump in my seat if something should happen to me. I've got a whole succession plan. Chrissy, please continue to do the show.

You and Astrid will have a lot of good fun. I was watching television the other day and I saw a Lucky Charms commercial with Travis and, what is it, Kevin Kels, Travis and, what's the other one? Travis and John? Kevin? Bob? Billy? The other one. The not as famous one. You know, they got like 162 million dollars to do that podcast. Well, I mean, you can hardly blame a network for chasing them really hard to get that done, because they, as soon as this whole brouhaha about Taylor Swift and Travis being together came, and they got, and then they did the exact right thing. And that was hop right on the fuck on her coattails and ride that thing all the way to the top. And they, that podcast went

number one overnight. Now, I'm not sure it's always number one. I don't know what that's like to be number one, but you know, they went right to number one on those Apple charts and being listened to by a lot of people. Now I took a listen last night and the show's not half bad. I do have to say like- I've heard snippets of it, yeah. They seem to have a natural banter.

I mean, they're brothers. They're brothers. So you would imagine, but they seem to have a natural banter that doesn't sound as obnoxious as some of the other, like, you know, hot right now podcasts that are out there. I won't mention any of them, but you know who I'm talking about. If you know you know. If you know.

I-K-N-Y-D-K-N-Y. I'll talk about that in a minute. Let me give you an update on that. I-K-N-Y-D-K-N-Y girl. But last night I'm watching television and you're doing some work and I saw a Lucky Charms commercial. With those two brothers in it.

And now they're on the cover of the Lucky Charms box. Now, when I was a kid, I knew that if you were the hot athlete of the moment, you were certainly gonna be on the Wheaties box. That was the only reason to eat fucking Wheaties. The only reason to buy Wheaties is because Michael Jordan was on the box and it could be a collector's item someday or you were just excited that Michael Jordan. But if you were anything like my household, my mom would buy one of those because we were excited about Michael Jordan or whoever was on the front cover, you know, Bo Jackson, whoever it happened

to be. But then there was another cereal that we actually ate. So there was Wheaties that stayed in the cabinet the whole time. And then it was in... Of course. Because who the... What fucking child wants to eat Wheaties? No, you don't. None. Zero. Zero. Even though as an adult, I've taken to Wheaties. I like Wheaties. I think that's actually very good. So, but now they're on the cover of the Lucky Charms box, Chrissy. And when did Lucky Charms start putting people on the cover of the box?

Sounds like now. Yeah. I mean, these guys... He's people on the cover of the box? Sounds like now. Yeah. I mean, these guys... He's always been the little guy, the leprechaun. These guys are cashing the fuck in on all of this silliness. And I'm for it. I think it's incredible. Definitely. So I've devised a plan that I think makes sense for the commercial break.

There's a cereal out there that's gonna have us. What do you think it is? Like, what are those little rabbit pellets that you eat? You know what I'm talking about? The little rabbit pellet cereal that tastes like horse food. Grape seed or grape? Grape nuts. Grape nuts. Grape nuts.

Yes. Hi, I'm Brian Green for Grape Nuts. I know the cereal doesn't taste very good, but our podcast isn't very good. So please buy a box of grape nuts. It goes great with cream. Goes great with cream. Cream and grape nuts on sale now at Cro-Ger. At your local Cro-Ger. I mean, this is the thing we got to do. We're hot right now, mainly because we canceled the shows and people want to find us. But we can do do. We're hot right now, mainly because we cancel the shows and people want to find us, but we can do this. We could be on a box of cereal. If we were to be on a

box of any cereal, what cereal would you want to be on? Oh, hmm. See, I would choose kind of Lucky Charms as one of my favorite ones. I just love those little dried marshmallows. So another one that has the dried marshmallow things are, what is that, the Kellogg's, with the like strawberry bit things in them. You know what I'm talking about? I mean, I think, but. I think they're like corn flakes.

Corn flakes and dried strawberries. Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. Those were good. Those were good, that was good, but nobody's gonna to buy that. So no one wants that. Cheerios. Cheerios.

I love Golden or the Honey Nut. I just think it's not on brand. You know what I'm saying? I agree with you. Cheerios is good. I would do the chocolate Cheerios, which I think are really good, but it's not on brand. Cheerios is not going to do us. Let's just be real about it. They're not interested in the commercial break. We got to find someone that not on brand. Cheerios is not gonna do us.

I mean, let's just be real about it. They're not interested in the commercial break. We gotta find someone that's on brand. Well, what's your cereal that you eat with the cream? I don't even eat cereal. Well, I don't anymore because now I have to be careful about how much calcium I put in my body. Astrid was like managing my calcium yesterday.

I wanted to have like a taco type thing. And I was like, oh, let me get a little sour cream on there, that's delicious. I can't do Mexican food without sour cream. Because I'm a fucking gringo. I'm a total, yeah, sour cream fan. Well, have you ever been to Spain or Mexico and asked for sour cream? Because that's not what they bring you.

The sour cream here is not what they bring you. Right. They bring you crema, which is, you know. That's true, I've been to Mexico. Yeah, it's not the same thing. No, it doesn't taste the same. It tastes like rotten milk. But anyway, I mean, honestly,

I'm just being honest about it. But that's how they do it, right? And a lot of times if you ask for it, it's like they understand you're a gringo. They know, like they want crema on their taco. It's not that. But I don't drink the cream. I don't do the cream and cereal anymore, but when I did,

toward the end of my run with cream and cereal, I was not even doing cereal. I was doing oat granola, honey and oat granola, which they sell in the cereal aisle because I think they know there's idiots like me out there who are breaking their teeth using granola as a cereal. And so that's what I was doing. It was like Golden Valley, whatever. I thought Honey Valley or something like that. Nature Valley or something like that. And man, was it delicious. Jeff loves that granola. Delicious. He mixes it with his yogurt and puts some fruit.

Just tell Jeff to take it one step further and put some cream in there. And I will tell you it's the exact same thing because I know the yogurt's good too. It's a little bit of a different taste, but he'll like it. But I still think, you know, Honey Valley or whatever, Nature's Valley, it's still not on brand. So I was thinking about a few cereals that might be on brand for us. It's probably going to be the shittiest kind of cereal that like the parents definitely stay away from, but kids who don't have parents to give a shit,

they then buy it. So there's like, you know, what's that golden grams? I think golden grams full of honey and sugar and those little puffed things. I think definitely that would be something that we could do, the golden grams or the honey bunches of oats or O's. Have you ever had O's? Oh man, is O's so good. Yeah, O's. Oh look, it's Brian and Chrissy from the commercial break. Uh-ohs. That's like your kids. Yeah.

We have a little word bubble coming out of us. Uh-oh. Or, you know, 21 EPM O's. It's like. Yeah. I say 21 PM and you say multiple ohs. You know what I'm saying? There's like a, there's a thing there that we could do.

We gotta get on this bandwagon. All right, let me, the next, let me peruse the, the serial aisle next time. I'm not gonna be young and terribly sick forever, Chrissy. We gotta get on this, jump on this bandwagon, right now. Do the spokesperson bandwagon. Yeah, where's Matt when you need him?

What's he up to? What's he doing? Why isn't he on this? Yeah. $162 million or whatever it was, I think is $160 plus million for a multi-year podcast contract. I mean, they are rivaling Joe Rogan in dollars. They didn't, still Joe's the

king as far as cash is concerned with podcasts. No other, never again will a podcast deal be done like that unless someone just comes and takes the world by storm, like Joe did, like a hundred million downloads a month. But these guys got a boatload of cash. I even think the hock to a girl got a couple million dollars to do her podcast. She's got a podcast. I saw that. She does. Did you listen to it? Mm-hmm. I tried. I mean, yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm gonna give like, okay, the Hawk To A Girl, let's talk about the Hawk To A Girl for a minute, because we kind of breezed right over that. Just like us, we're getting to it 30 years after it actually happened. Right. I mean, I actually think we did do the Hawk To A Girl like a couple days after that video went viral, but we haven't talked much about it since. The Hawk to a Girl has been everywhere.

She's been on everybody's podcast because that's the plan. She got, I think it was WME, same people who were promoting our show. They represent the Hawk to a Girl and there's like a well-worn path in 2024 as to how you do these things. You get a podcast. That's crazy. I guess that's the, yeah, there's a plan. There's no barrier to entry with a podcast and you can grow an audience, especially if

you have a little bit of a following. Now having a following online does not necessarily equate to a following on a podcast and vice versa as we can attest to. We know that. Yes. It doesn't necessarily mean people are going to like you on social media if you've got a podcast that people like to listen to and vice versa. But they did what they needed to do, which was quickly, let's get you in the studio, record some episodes. We'll get some famous people to come in here and talk to you also. And then we'll, hopefully this will roll into a reality show, a television appearance, dancing with the stars, whatever it is.

And so, they're doing that. They're in like stage one or two of this plan to sustain that 15 minutes of fame. To her, not credit, but to defend her a little bit, just because you get on a microphone does not necessarily mean you're going to be good at it. I mean, look at you and I, we've been doing it just because you get on a microphone does not necessarily mean you're going to be good at it. I mean, look at you and I, we've been doing this for 600 plus episodes and just in the last couple of months, do I feel comfortable doing this show behind a microphone?

So she's gonna have to get some reps in. The question is, will the audience afford her that time? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it's 15 minutes and it's gone. Maybe she can suspend that for some period of time. I don't dislike the hactua girl. No, I agree. I think she-

More power to her. Yeah, but this is like the most silliest, this is the silliest reason to become famous. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. You do a man on the street, girl on the street interview when you're drunk and you say two words, hactua, and then all of a sudden you're like as famous as one of the Kardashians for no

reason except to say hot tour. I'm not saying that's her fault. That's your fault for watching that stupid fucking video over and over again. And then paying attention to her. But I don't, I think she's doing exactly what she needs to do. She's millions of dollars. She sold her T T-shirts, that podcast she got a couple million dollars for. I'm sure there's a reality show. I'm sure there are cameras following her around,

taking tape and hopefully cutting it into a reality show of some sort. She's probably gotten auditions for game shows, Dancing with the Stars, some VH1 reality show. There's things that are brewing in the background. And the celebrities who do have podcasts have decided to hitch their wagon on the hawk to a girl and do podcast interviews with her. I've seen some of those interviews.

She seems like a perfectly lovely human being. Oh yeah, she does. Is she like the personality that's going to bubble up to this? Is she going to be a Kardashian eventually? I don't know. Who knows? We'll see. I don't think so, but we'll see. And I noticed she's conspicuously absent from our podcast. Share that with you, Chrissy. I know.

Did she ask to come on and we said no? Or has she not asked to come on? And we would say yes. I don't know. To you, Hawk, to a girl, will you come on the commercial break? And will we accept that invitation? Who knows? It's yet to be determined, Cressy. Anything's possible. Yes. Like I say to many of our guests, there's one or two reasons why you're coming on the commercial break as a guest. You're either on your way up or on your way down. That's right.

Yes. You're either in the 15th minute or in the 17th minute. We'll figure it out once you get here. Have you listened to her podcast? I did. And what'd you think? Well, again, yeah, I think maybe she needs some more practice. But I'm rooting for her. I mean. I'm not rooting against her. Let's put it that way. I don't know if I'm rooting for her, but I'm not rooting against her. I don't think I'm that invested actually into what happens with the Hock Tour Girl. You know what I'm saying? But as a fellow podcaster, I say welcome to the club. Yeah. And if she's got some interesting stuff, I think the one that I listened to was Whitney Cummings and it was that interesting. Let's say that, but it could be.

Well, here's the thing. Whitney had her on her show and then the first episode of the Hock Tour Girls show had Whitney on there. I don't think that's the smartest move in the world, if I'm just sharing that with you. I'm sure a lot of people in the audience have noticed. When Sam Morrill is on the commercial break, he also goes on three other podcasts or 10 other podcasts. Jay Farrow was our guest this week and I loved having Jay. This morning I wake up, there's like a seven minute clip on Instagram of him with Bill Maher. And I'm like, you know, Nicky Jam comes on, there's 12 other Nicky Jam, you know, interviews that are out the same week or within the same month because that's what they do.

They cycle through their PR and they just go do everybody. That's not my favorite thing in the world, if I'm being honest. I wish that we had some time to ourselves, but who am I to ask for exclusivity? Like, okay, you can't do another podcast for a month. And when we did Nicky Jam, we recorded that in fucking May. I know. It's like he's a presidential candidate or something. I have to say that I think we were one of the firsts. We were. But then we weren't allowed to air it until later, until after he'd already put it out there. Yes.

I say it is. We did get that exclusive. We did. He said it was exclusive. We got it exclusive, but nobody got to hear it. But nobody got to hear it. So there you go. I will say Nicky Jam.

That was that he's not retiring. He's not retiring. Nicky Jam's PR people and agents were some of the nicest people we have dealt with ever. And that Nicky Jam is not some like shrinking violet. Like you have to deal with some stuff, right? When he came on, we were probably one of the first podcasts he had done to promote this new album. Because as Chrissy mentioned, when we got into it, I asked him if he was retiring because he him if he was retiring because he had announced he was retiring back in January. And he said, listen, I was going through a hard time.

I was drinking a lot. I was feeling terrible. I was just down. And I put that reel out because I really felt that way in the moment. But I'm telling you, and I'm telling any, this is the first time I'm telling anybody this publicly is that I'm not retiring.

That's an exclusive, you guys got it. I didn't, it's great. So then the second day, we were so excited that finally somebody said something of notes on our show. We were like, we're gonna be the first, we're not gonna be the last. Yeah. The second we get off the show, the PR people email us,

due to the nature of the discussion, can you please hold that for a couple of months? And I'm like, fucking, hey, I want to say no, but who the fuck am I to say no? I enjoyed my conversation with Nikki and everybody's so lovely, what am I going to say? And I get it. Like there's a whole PR strategy and Nikki is not a guy, I imagine, that's going to listen to his... If a PR agent says, you can't say that, he's not going to be like, you know, Nikki's like, Nikki is not a guy I imagine that's going to like listen to his PR agent. You can't say that. He's not going to be like, fuck you. I'll say what I want to. Yeah. He was just talking candidly to us. And then his PR team was like, yeah.

That's why you pass. I mean, we could not have gotten that email faster. Two minutes after we hung up the phone, hung up the video call with him, his agent was like, great discussion, thanks so much, you can't run that podcast for a long time. So by the time we run it and he's saying, so then, you know, just like a little inside baseball. So like two and a half weeks before we're allowed or, you know, we've agreed to run this, he's on the Today Show and he's doing a big concert in this, or, you know, we've agreed to run this. He's on the Today Show, and he's doing a

big concert in the, whatever, Today Show parking lot or whatever the fuck. And the host of the Today Show goes, all right, man, gotta ask you. You know, somebody said, all right, now I gotta ask you a question. Huh? Are you really retiring? And he goes, exclusive? No. But I'm like, oh, well, it's just our luck. The shows were going to get canceled and Nicky Jam wasn't going to give us an exclusive, but I welcome him back on to talk about that Trump fucking fuck up. I would love to hear about that, why Trump called him a girl. I don't know if you hear that. I didn't even hear that.

Oh my God. Very quickly, because then we got to take a break. They've already been running so long. But Nikki shows up to a Trump rally. I guess Trump's people catch wind that Nikki is there. Of course, he's a very famous person. He can't just sit out in the crowd with everybody. This is like in Texas.

So Trump goes, and I hear that Nikki Jam is here with Bitcoin. And he goes, this Nikki Jam, she's a very good looking girl. We love Nicky Jam. We love our Nicky Jam. Don't we? Where's Nicky? Nicky, where are you? And then Nicky comes out and Trump's like, oh, hey, you got a penis. Cock and balls. And he does that shoulder shrug, that twitch, ah, ah. And then Nikki comes out. So Nikki puts out a post the next day making fun of, I mean, the news was everywhere because it's Nikki Jam. So everywhere that news was, all over my feeds and all over the news magazines that I read online and the news sites. And he posted this picture of him and Trump with

this funny, you know, am I really the best looking girl or something like that in Spanish? Yeah. But then a couple of days later, he deletes all mentions of Trump from his Instagram and his social media accounts. So I'd like to know exactly what happened. And I welcome them here. Vote for who you're going to vote for, dude. I don't give a shit. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, we have now spent almost 30 minutes talking here on the first segment of The Commercial Break. So let's take a break and we'll be back. Calling all pretty pretty princesses. Yeah, that means you. I've got a favor to ask. If you wouldn't mind, could you just please follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break and on TikTok at

And could you just please follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Not on social media? Text us instead at 212-433-3TCB. And if you find yourself wanting any more content from this already content saturated show, check out our website at tcbpodcast.com. While you're contemplating what hilarious meme to send us, let's listen to our sponsors

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Track, headphones remastered. Buy from DysonCanada.ca. With ANC on, performance may vary based on environmental conditions and usage. Accessories sold separately. Oh Chrissy, do I have a story to tell? Do you? Yes. This house continues to get more and more wild. Oh, that's right. This house is like a fucking zoo. I mean, inside the house, it's like a fucking zoo.

Especially since my wife now thinks that frogs are running around the house when they're actually moths. They're like, there's a fly running around the house and my wife says, there's a bald eagle, there's a fly running out of the house and my wife says, there's a bald eagle, there's a bald eagle! Anyway, that backyard, I've already told you, groundhogs, squirrels taking baths, groundhogs going under the patio, you know, snakes running around, moles, deers, all kind of thing. Deer, not deers, deers. Gooses running around. There's all kind of thing. Deer, not deers, deers. Gooses running around. There's all

kind of shit in that backyard. A family of hawks have nested there for many years and now they're flying around eating things I don't want to see. One time I saw a little animal, like a squirrel, and just, woo! And my daughter saw it too, and I was like, this is the way it goes honey. It's nature. They're going to play together. Don't worry about it. Right. So, yesterday afternoon, it's raining, because it's been raining for a couple days before it

even starts to rain, we're going to get 55 fucking inches of rain. So, my wife, I had taken a nap, I was feeling good, so I took a nap and I woke up and Astrid is standing like right at the door when I walk out. And she's like, there's something, it's a squirrel, it's not good, it's dying her dead. And I go, what? And I go, in the house? No, right outside the back door. And so we have these big glass doors in our backyard that go out to a, like a deck, right? The sliding doors. Not like a deck, it is a deck. It is a deck. Not like a deck, it is a deck. Thanks, Chrissy. My hypercalcemia is getting to my brain this morning. So I go, what? Yeah, it's dead. I don't know. She's like so stressed about it. She's like, I don't know. I saw it move its little paw, but it's not looking

good. I don't even think it's breathing. And I don't know what to do with it. And I don't want the kids to see it. And I'm like, okay, all right. So now I'm like, shit, I'll take care of it. First thing I think is let me get a plastic bag. I'll get a plastic bag, I'll grab it. I'll throw it back behind the fence so my neighbor can deal with it.

I'll throw it over into the woods so it can go to nature. From ash to ashes, dust to dust. Let it do its thing. Somebody's going to eat on it and that'll be a good meal for somebody. I don't want to throw up my trash because then it's going to smell like shit and then I'm going to have those fucking raccoons running around. We should be back to nature. I agree. So that's what I do with the things I find, you know, swirling around. Like when I found that mole and that frog swimming with each other at the swirling mole with the frog on top of it.

At the disco pool party. Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit. So the first thing I do is I go to grab a plastic bag and I go into the kitchen and I can see out the back and I look and I see this little squirrel on its side. It's obviously a baby. It's not a full grown squirrel on its side, but I obviously a baby, it's not a full-grown squirrel, on its side, but I can see its little leg twitching. And I'm like, oh, I don't think it's dead, actually. So then I go and I take a closer look. It's a couple feet from that glass door. Its eyes are

open and its little paw is twitching. But I can see that it's breathing also. And I'm like, fuck, shit, now what do I do? So I'm discussing this with Asher, and she's like, what do we do? And I'm like, well, I could put them out in the backyard and kind of just let nature take its course. I could shoot it, but put it out of its misery because who wants to be dying like that, right? It's also raining and now cold outside, like cool outside. So you can see it shaking a little bit too.

So I'm like, I go, or she goes, call, call your, call the neighbor. Maybe he knows what to do. And I'm like, really? You think you think I'm that much of a fucking moron that I don't know what to do with a dying squirrel? By the way, I don't, maybe I should call the neighbor. I honestly was so offended for a second. And then I thought, that's a good idea. Actually. It's a tag team for a squirrel seven inches long. The two of us can figure it out. So I'm like, eh, all right, let me go look. Let me take a closer look. And now it's like, you can see it's really trying to move its paw, but it's not happening very well. It's obviously in a lot of distress. So I go, okay, I could break its neck, I guess.

God. But I've never done that. So I don't even know how to do that. But I'm just thinking about what manly stuff I can do. What would Daniel do? Hey, Brian, stomp on it. I don't know, what do you do? Throw it down hard on the ground? I don't know.

And it's not in me. I'm like, I can't do that. No, it's not. Brian, what are you talking about? It's not blue. It's not blue. It's a squirrel. What are you talking, Brian, what are you talking about? It's not blue. Snap its neck. It's not blue. Oh, God.

It's a squirrel, what do you do? And none of my kids have noticed yet, so I kind of closed the blinds a little bit just so they don't have the angle to see it. And I'm thinking to myself, and I go, well, I did see an Instagram reel once how the lady rescued a squirrel by feeding it from her tit or something like that.

I don't have a tit, but I guess I could figure something out. So I start googling. I'm like, you know, how to nurse a squirrel back to health. What happens when a squirrel is laying on its side? You know, I'm talking to talking to Google. What happens period when a squirrel period is laying on its side shaking period? And unbelievably Google has an answer for everything, right? And it's like you can try and nurse the squirrel back to health. It probably has fallen out of the nest and just answer for everything, right? And it's like, you can try and nurse the squirrel back to health, it probably has fallen out of the nest and just needs its mom, right? And it may be malnourished or whatever. Okay. So it says, so I go, okay, I could get like some food for it and maybe try

and feed it. Maybe it's hungry. Maybe it's just like really starving out there, you know, it's on its last leg. It needs a little bite to eat. So, I'm looking through my cupboard for things that I can feed the squirrel, right? Chocolate granola bar, probably not great for a squirrel. You know, biscotti butter, nope, can't do that either. Fresh bread, I've always heard that fresh bread is bad for animals. What can I do here? And then I see that Astrid has this little section in our cupboard for nuts, And there's like dried sweetened almonds. Those, these things, the smokehouse jalapeno almonds. And I was like, eh, probably not jalapeno almonds

for the damn squirrel. But nuts seem like a good place to start. Right. So I Google it. Can I feed the squirrel nuts, my baby squirrel nuts? No, do not feed a baby squirrel anything but squirrel formula. And I'm like, squirrel formula? What the fuck is squirrel formula and where do you get it? Is it really a squirrel formula? So then I do a further investigation. Dog puppy formula for malnourished

puppies or puppies who have not gotten on the tit, the small puppies who've lost their mom or can't suckle or whatever the deal is. They actually make this stuff for puppies and it's like high concentration of, I don't know, puppy vitamins or whatever. Yeah, minerals and vitamins. Yeah, minerals and vitamins, all the 12 food groups. And then it also says you can feed it power aid or stuff that you give for kids when they're dehydrated. Oh.

And I'm like, well, I don't have any of that. I don't have any puppy formula laying around because I don't have a puppy. I got some fucking shit head dog that won't stop barking at the dead squirrel outside. So now I've made a decision. Like something snaps in my brain. I'm like, Brian, two seconds ago, you were thinking about shooting the thing. Now you're thinking about how you save it. So go one way or the other, but you know, don't middle-mattle around. Don't throw it out in the backyard. Times wasting. Times a wasting. The squirrel is a dying. So I say to myself, try it off, warm it up,

try and give it some water. Three steps that I think I can take. There you go. So I run and I looked in our towel closet for the towel that I know Astrid is not going to be upset that I just used to put a dead baby squirrel in. That's correct. I have a little cupboard of those as well.

Yes, everyone has a, everyone has a few towels like that. Like, if it doesn't make it, if the towel needs to get thrown out, life will go on. It's okay. That towel that I was using at Jam Land pool 30 years ago, to dry off my cocaine when it got wet, this is gonna be fine, this towel is okay. So I grab that towel, I grab a couple of runner ham warmers, the kind that you break open and they

start to get warm. And I grab a box and I put some of Blue's pads down on the bottom of the box. I go out there and I take the towel and I'm trying to pick it up, but it is really limp. It's like, it's not going anywhere. I can't get it with the towel. And all I'm doing is just getting the towel soaking wet because it's on this wet deck. So now I'm like, I'm defeating the whole fucking purpose of track at all. I just getting it wet. So I'm thinking to myself, well, Brian, I guess you're going to have to pick up the dead squirrel with your hands. Or like a spatula.

Yeah, I guess I could have done that too, but I wasn't trying to flip it like a burger. Well, then you could at least get it up under and then place it. Maybe some tongs, just grab it. That's what I thought, tongs first, but that might have killed it, so I'm thinking spatula. Yeah, but in the things in this house that Astor doesn't want touching a dead squirrel, any kitchen utensil is probably it, right? Astor doesn't, I mean, and I don't blame her, like that's, you know, it's a squirrel. It's out in the wild. It's got diseases. And you can see that there are mites

all over it. Mites are jumping off this thing because they already know what's coming. Yeah, they're jumping ship. Yeah, they're not jumping ship, they're jumping on the ship because they know that they're going to get a good meal once this little guy stops breathing, right? They're accelerating the death, essentially. So I decide in my moment of now extreme empathy, because this little squirrel's like looking at me, it's like kinda turned its head. Oh, they look at you, those squirrels look at you.

Yes, but it's not opening its mouth, it's not trying to attack, it's obviously just out of life, essentially. It's just trying to die,'s what it's trying to do. It's on the grass leg. So I grab him up by his belly, I put him in the towel, and I start to slowly dry it off, right?

Put it under the roof, and I slowly start to dry it off. And he starts moving his little leg, and he's like looking at me. And I'm like, oh my God. You're hooked too, yeah. You've been caught. Now I'm gonna spend a thousand dollars

Exactly. Of money that I don't have, trying to rescue this fucking squirrel that's going to die anyway. And I'm just, you know, I'm gonna feel like I did something good and he's just gonna suffer for the next seven hours. So it's me and my youngest that is home.

And the youngest is like standing at the door, like, you know, wow, wow, blue, blue. My youngest calls everything blue. If it's an animal, it's blue, right? Blue, blue, blue. I'm like, oh man, okay. You stay there and I'm going to put this thing in the box and we're going to see if we can give it some water. So, I can't even get, like, I have this little syringe, you know, like, and I'm trying, like, a little dropper for the kids' medicine. And I'm desperately trying to push water into its mouth, but it won't open its mouth. And now I can feel that it's got teeth as I'm rubbing this thing across. So, I go, hey, they have the, like, you know, the little cheeks, they blow up when they put nuts in them, let me put some water in that cheek and let's see what happens. And I do, and I can

see that it swallows the water. So, I'm like, okay, a little progress here. And now I got to find a name for it. Now I'm like, Brian, name it. That way you're going to care for it. If you name it, you can't kill it, right? So, we decide on the name Peaches. Peaches the squirrel. Peaches. So, I give it a couple more drops of water and it starts to like really shake. It's like, Getting revved up? it a couple more drops of water and it starts to like really shake. It's like, Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh, I don't know if I'm just like drowning the thing. So, I put it in the box. I dry it all off. I put it in the box. I put it just needs some food. So I put it in the box, I dry it all off, I put it in the box, I put the hand warmers on, and then I put it up front so the hawks can't get it, right? The hawks and the snakes and the squirrels and the cat that's on the roof, the cat on the hot tin roof, the whole thing. I put it up front in a little covered area, and then I tell my youngest, get your shoes on,

we're going to find some puppy formula. To which my youngest says, I just shit my pants, can you change my diaper? And I say, all right, but we got to save the squirrel, we don't have much time. I call everywhere, I call every vet and emergency vet and animal hospital within 20 miles to try and find this formula. Yes. And they didn't have it. No.

And they don't seem to give a shit that I have a dying squirrel. I'm in stressed mode. You know, I already have that. Yeah, they're like, yeah. Yeah, my parathyroid is already on fire and I'm anxious as fuck about this dying squirrel. And they don't seem to give a shit that I have a dying squirrel. They'll just say, no, don't sell it. No, don't have it. No, won't give it to you.

Whatever it is. Until one guy finally says, ah, try PetSmart. And I go, if I don't have PetSmart, I had some specialized formula for fucking malnourished puppies. I would have tried there first. And I call PetSmart and they go, yeah, we got aisle seven.

And I'm like, oh shit. So zip on over. Now I'm driving, oh shit. So zip on over. Now I'm driving like a maniac over to PetSmart and my kid in the back like, daddy, guah, guah, guah, guah. And I'm like, I know, we're gonna save the squirrel. You can imagine like this harried situation that's going on. It's raining, everyone's driving like a fucking moron.

I'm going in and out of traffic, busting red lights, rolling through stop signs, my kid in the back. And at one point I think to myself, I'm gonna signs, my kid in the back. And at one point I think to myself, I'm going to kill my kid to save the squirrel. Stop it, Brian, slow down. I get there and yes, so the lady says, yeah, it's on aisle number seven. You know, we have a bunch of it. Like you can get it liquid form or powdered form. And she goes, and I go, yeah, but like she gives a shit. I start telling her the story, right? Now I'm putting, I'm trauma dumping on this lady.

I'm like, I got a baby squirrel that came at the thing and it's on its side and it's going like this. And she's like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Isle seven. No one gives a shit. You were trying to get this commiserate. I was trying to get her to give me some information. Oh my God, you got a baby squirrel.

You've got a dead baby squirrel. Quick, Isle seven. I'll go with you. Yeah, stat, get've got a baby squirrel. You've got a dead baby squirrel. Quick, aisle seven. I'll go with you. Yeah, stat, get us some formulas, stat. We'll give it to you for free. You're a man of amazing empathy. Jesus Christ walks among us. He's saving the dead, get out of the way.

He's saving a dead baby squirrel. Give it CPR. I'm hoping she's gonna tell me what to do. Of course, yeah. And she's like, aisle seven. So, I get to aisle seven, there's another employee there. I start trauma doping on her. I'm like, I got this dead baby squirrel, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. And she goes, oh yeah, we actually sell a lot of this formula because there's a local guy comes in twice a week, and he's like a dead baby squirrel saver. That's what he does. And I was like, oh,

well, what's his name? And she goes, I don't know. Like, she's going to have that information handy. Right, yeah, we keep his card on file. Oh, I just texted him, let me give you his information. So, I grab puppy formula, special bottles with nipples on them for small creatures, stuffing that you would put in a gerbil box, figuring, you know, it can nest in there. Now I'm thinking about the squirrel's gonna be here for a year, and we're gonna have to save it, right?

I get on the phone with Astrid, and she's like, what's going on? And I go, I got the baby squirrel. She did not even, she took the kids out to like an activity, and she didn't even know that I had put this baby squirrel in the box that I had tried to get. And she's like, no, Brian, come on. Oh my God, you're gonna have a dead baby squirrel

in the house, no, it's outside. And the kids are listening and they're like, I wanna see the squirrel. I wanna see the squirrel. And I'm like, well, listen kids, nature may have already taken its course. By the time I get back, that poor thing might not be here anymore.

And I'm gonna feed it to the, I'm trying to explain because I don't want them to be disappointed that they get home and the actual squirrel is dead in a box. So, hurry up and, like, I'm trying to push people out of line, like I'm cutting people off. I'm like, quick, bed dead baby squirrel. And then the lady's like, do you want to donate $30 to a pet in need? And I'm like, whatever, get me. So, now I've spent a thousand dollars at the fucking PetSmart on a squirrel that I don't even know is still alive! I've been gone 30 minutes, it's dead probably. I have no idea what's going on. I check out, it's pouring

down rain, I'm holding my baby, a bag from PetSmart, you know, I'm running, I put the baby in there and I'm like, wow, wow Guao, Blue, save the squirrel. And you know what she goes? She goes, Daddy, save squirrel. And I was like, oh. And then I wanted to turn around and take a video of her. So the squirrel may be dying, but I got to get a cute video. Hey, say dead squirrel again, honey. So, so now we're rushing back home to save this baby squirrel. And I'll tell you exactly what happened right after this. Yeah, huh? I always get you, don't I?

Yeah. Yeah, right. We'll be back. Coming at you live from my bedroom, it's your producer, Christina, here to ask you to follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast podcast because social media is hard. Got something to say?

Text us or call us at 212-4333-TCB and leave us an unhinged voicemail because that is something I am personally a very big fan of and I can't wait to hear what you have to say. Check out our website, tcbpodcast.com because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website, tcbpodcast.com, because there is a very glorious back catalog of audio and video that lives on our website, just waiting for you to watch it.

Now let's hear from our sponsors, and we will get back to Brian and Chrissy chatting about who knows what. Your teen requested a ride, but this time not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Elevate your morning coffee ritual.

From the first sip of coffee in the morning to the on-the-go cup. Make every morning unforgettable with Nespresso. Discover a world of possibilities with or without milk. Visit nespresso.ca to learn more or a Nespresso boutique near you. Very interesting music in those new liners, I do have to say. Look at that hurricane.

Oh my God. We are screwed. By the way, it looks like planes are still coming in and out of Hartsfield, Jackson. We have Gustavo flew in this morning. We thought maybe the flight was going to be canceled because of the hurricane that's supposed to barrel through Atlanta. And I think Jeff's doing some traveling this afternoon. He is. Okay. So we're on our way home now. Again, I'm driving like an idiot as fast as I can,

because all I can think about is I'm gonna feel like total ass if I get home and this squirrel is now dead. So I'm rushing home, I get there, I open the box, and the thing is curled up against one of the heaters. And when I open it, it lifts its head like it had not had the... Are you my daddy? Yes, I am. Daddy! Daddy!

Can I use the restroom in your house? Do you have any biscotti butter for me, daddy? Yes, now it's looking at me like I'm its mommy. It looks up at me and with energy, like with energy, and I go, oh, that's a good sign, you're coming a little bit back to life here. I run inside, I don't have a can opener, like it's in a can, but not the can you like open or not the can, you know, it's like milk in a can, in a metal can. So, I'm taking a knife and I'm stabbing the can. Oh, God, you didn't have a can opener? I know. I did, but I don't know where it is.

First of all, that is so dangerous. You could majorly cut yourself. I know. That's all I was thinking about as I opened it, then I put the knife down, and I was like, holy shit, Brian, you could have just killed yourself. Yeah. Or at least maimed your hand. Thank God it's your voice that you use. That'll get cut open soon, too. So, I put some in a pot. I stir it up, it's supposed to be as hot as it can be without boiling, so I'm stirring it up. The baby is like running around and she can get into the cupboard now and get herself snacks. She is just full of chocolate. She's got a juice box she's spilling everywhere and she's like, daddy's knock, knock, knock. And I'm like, whatever, the squirrel.

and I'm like, whatever, the squirrel. So I put it in a dropper in the syringe, even though I've got the nipple bottle, I don't know that I can even get it to open its mouth. So I go in there and I do the same thing that I did before. I squeeze that little thing into its cheek and I can see the cheek gets big and then it doesn't come out of the mouth. She's swallowing it and I'm like, oh, this is a great sign.

And then she starts doing that shaking thing again, like violently shaking. And I'm like, oh, this is a great sign. And then she starts doing that shaking thing again, like violently shaking. I'm like, oh, I hope I didn't kill, I hope I'm not killing the squirrel. I hope it doesn't have some weird stomach problem that I'm like making worse by putting food in its body. But I managed to give her about five milliliters of this formula. And then, and she sit, you have to hold them straight up. That's what it says, hold them straight up. So she's in my arms, I'm holding it straight up, I'm putting it in its mouth, mites all over the thing, jumping all over me. And I'm doing this.

And then I start petting her after I put it down. And she's like, like, like nuzzling into it, right? Yeah. And then I go to try to put her back in the box after like five or six minutes. And she's like crawling toward me. She's like, is with all the strength that she can get. And now I'm like, oh my God, now I'm in love with peaches. Now I'm thinking about putting blue in the box and bringing peaches inside,

giving it a massage and a bath. And then the squirrel is now going to live in my house with a little squirrel diaper on. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's going to be our new pet. So, so I put her back down in the box and then my baby and I just stare at it and then my baby's trying to grab it and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. She starts screaming her full head off because I won't let her grab it. And I'm like, you can't, it's a mite-filled squirrel. I don't want some weird squirrel baby disease going on in my house. No.

No. No, you've got enough to deal with. I've got everything to deal with. You got everything to deal with. There's nothing else you can put on my plate before my body just snaps in half, literally snaps in half. So the kids come home now, my wife and the kids come home. Now everyone's excited about, we're all standing out and if anybody had seen us yesterday outside of our porch, they probably would have think we're weird.

We're all just standing there staring at a box, just like a UPS box. Everyone's like, what's going on in there? I put this stuffing in there and she starts to nest. She like goes down to the bottom of the box and she curls up and she's trying to take a nap. And so, everyone wants to touch the squirrel, but they're all scared of the squirrel. I don't really want to touch them anyway, so whatever. So, Astrid and I go back and she goes, what are we going to do? And I go, I guess I'm going to wake up every two hours and feed it. And she goes, are you fucking insane? And then she goes like this, Astrid, like, takes a minute, she's doing something in the kitchen, she turns around and she goes, well, let's bring it inside then. And I go,

what? Now I'm like, are you crazy? You want to bring this squirrel inside? What happens if she wakes up and jumps out of the box and then we got a squirrel running around our house? It's not domesticated. I've had it for an hour. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. And she's like, we can't leave it outside. The cat's going to eat it. And I'm like, I don't even think that thing has enough meat on its bone that the cat wants it. I'm like, I'm not worried about that. We'll like tape the box shut and cut some holes in it. Like, it'll be fine. The cat's not going to worry about it. She goes, well, if we're going to keep it, we have to bring it inside. And I go, it's got mites all over it. She goes, well, wash it. And I go, give the squirrel a bath? You want me to do a bath, a squirrel bath?

No, I'm not doing a squirrel bath. I'm just saying a picture. I know. That little baby formula. Well, yeah. The shampoo, no tear. Yeah, it's sitting on my shoulder. We're doing it, we're in the shower together, singing songs and it's just dancing along with me. Meanwhile, my kids are eating just raw sugar, running around peeing on

the floor. Blue is gnawing on my toddler's leg and I'm like, but the squirrel, happy days are here again. The squirrel didn't die. It's not the end. Hey buddy, me and Peaches. Peaches is my new best friend. What? What did you say? Someone's licking the electric socket? Fear not. Peaches is fine. So now I'm Googling, how do you get mites off a squirrel, right? Put some dish soap on it, wash it a couple times, it'll, you know, they'll jump off. But I'm really against the idea of putting the squirrel, but I think there's an extra bathroom. I guess we could lock it in there and put it in the bath and put the box in it. What could it do? Yeah, maybe it gets around the bathroom, it does some damage or whatever, you know, life will

go on. So now I'm considering that I'm going to have to deal with this squirrel for the next couple of weeks till I can rehab it and put it in there. Astrid goes, isn't there someone we can call? And I'm like, if you call somebody, they're going to kill the squirrel. That's what pest control does. But I start Googling, I get on that Reddit form, and wouldn't you fucking know it, I find a list of people who take in wild animals in my area in Georgia. Wow. So, I find one that says, small mammals, including squirrels, I call, it says, please text me if you're calling me about the wild animals, please text me some pictures and some information and I'll see if I can do anything about it.

So I do, I text like six pages worth of, you know, I give her every beat by beat, text three videos, because of course I'm taking videos during this whole thing. Maybe I'll put one up on. Yeah, you sent me one. Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it? It was very cute. Oh man, it was really cute. I know.

And she responds an hour later saying, I'm not taking squirrels because it's, yeah, I don't, I'm not the expert on, I'm not really an expert on squirrels, but this lady is an expert on squirrels. And text her. I told her you'd be texting her. So I text and she texts right back and I give her the videos and all that and she goes, the squirrel has head trauma. It needs steroids, pain medication and warm,

like, you know, needs to be loved a little bit and then we can, it can be rehabbed. I've seen this before. I have three of them right now, three baby squirrels right now. And I'm thinking this is the lady. Her picture on the iPhone is a picture of her with two baby squirrels on her leg, like eating, you know? And I'm like, oh, this is the lady. I found the squirrel lady. So now, but she is an hour away from my house. So now I got to put the babies to bed. I got to put the box in the car with this live squirrel, like, you know, rolling around in the box. Yeah, swaddled in this box. I got to drive an hour in the car with this live squirrel, rolling around in the box, swaddled in this box. I got to drive an hour in the fucking tropical storm to go all the way up there. And I'm

texting with this lady the whole time. Like I'm on my way. She's like, great. Okay. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's great. Sounds great. I get to her house an hour away. Now I don't know that she's not going to, I don't know, assault me or take my money. Astor is all concerned that I'm walking into a ruse. And I go, what are they going to take? The squirrel? I mean, this is not like, I'm not buying something on eBay. I didn't get a money order. The level of detail. Yeah. Care. It's like, all right, it's a lady wants a squirrel. It's either her or us. Which one do you want? Don't we have enough on our plate? We got blue. We don't need any more animals.

it's either her or us. Which one do you want? Don't we have enough on our plate? We got blue. We don't need any more animals. So, I get there and I text her, I'm here. And I have missed the text from her while I'm driving that she went to go get some dinner and please meet her where she's having dinner. She'll come out and get the squirrel. And I'm like, do they allow squirrels in that restaurant? What are you talking about? And by the way, that restaurant is an additional 20 minutes away from her house. And I'm like, so I start driving to the restaurant now, and then she texts seven minutes into the drive, never mind, stay there, I'll come to you, stay at my house. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, no good deed goes unpunished. I'm driving around this drink eating town in North Georgia, like trying to find out,

I'm parked in front of the driveway, the neighbors are staring out the window, they're like, I got my flashers on and my lights on, I'm looking at, I'm trying to make sure the squirrel is still alive and it is, it's like curled up, like looking at me and I'm like, I don't have any more food, I don't know what to do with you. So this lady comes, finally, like I'm sitting there for a half an hour, this lady comes, she opens up the door, pouring down rain, she opens up the door, and she's probably in her mid 60s, I'm going to imagine. Yeah.

Lovely lady. And she goes, hey, you know, she has a little carrier with her, with like, you know, sawdust on the bottom of that, you know, that with those wood shavings, wood shavings. And she goes, okay, let me take a look. And then she goes, okay. And the squirrel crawls right on her fucking hand. Yes, just like slowly crawls right on her hand. She takes it, puts it in the carrier and she goes.

It knew. It knew. She goes, my husband and I have been doing this for 30 years. He just passed away three months ago. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. She goes, I've done this for a long time. This little guy probably fell and got head trauma. And that's why it was acting like that. That's why that video that you showed me, his legs were doing that.

And that's why he couldn't, he was so weak. He got a pretty serious concussion or something happened to his brain. And I was like, Oh my God, can he be saved? She goes, Oh yeah, no, don't worry about it. She goes, it. She goes, if he's walking right now, he's in good shape or she's in good shape. It just needs a little love. It needs some medicine immediately. I know what to do. She seems like the perfect person.

Perfect. And she's like, and I go, my kids just were falling. And she goes, I'll text you pictures. Everything will be fine. Everything is great. And I'm like, oh my God, why am I not like that? So I'm driving away, all I can think about is it's all about me.

Like, why am I not like that lady? Why didn't I take the time to get it medicine and take care of it and make sure that it was okay? I thought about the first person I could offload it on and then drive away. Well, you're not a squirrel expert. I am not a squirrel expert. But I will be happy to tell everybody that pictures were

gotten this morning and the squirrel is now with other squirrel babies and they are, and he or she is flourishing. Apparently it was fed through the night, it was warmed up, it was given pain medication and some steroids and is now acting more like a baby squirrel than it was yesterday in my own arms. So I will- Oh, Brian, you saved the squirrel. I saved the fucking squirrel.

So now when I do stupid shit, like cancel shows last minute, you know, act like an idiot, say something offensive about a raccoon, talk about Blue in a shitty way. Or a possum. A possum. I'm sorry, possum, not a raccoon. When I talk about possums and how much I dislike them, or I talk about Blue and what an idiot she is, I don't want any more flak because I saved that one squirrel.

Yes, you did. And that is enough for a lifetime. Good job. How many of the squirrels have you saved? BG. That's what I want to know. How many squirrels have you saved? BG. That's what I want to know. How many squirrels have you saved? Now I wonder how many squirrels I'm going to have to save after this storm.

My pool already overflowed once. It's going to be overflowing and I know it's just going to be full of... Oh, you had just done the treatment. I know. Chrissy. I gave up. I called the pool guy back. I gave up. I called the pool guy back. I gave up I gave up. White flag. Yeah, I did

Astrid Astrid I was like, I just can't get it right. She goes just call the fucking pool guy. They know Yeah, you're saving yourself $75 a month. What the fuck and I'm like, we don't have $75 a month and she goes You're not in any shape to take care of. Just fucking call the guy. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck it. I'll call the guy.

So, but of course now for the next four days, I have to deal with it being green and full of shit because when it rains like this, the pool overflows and actually just overflows. Maybe that's a problem too. Maybe I should call somebody about, oh, that's the pool guy. All right. More information about live shows coming in 2025. Maybe that's a problem too. Maybe I should call somebody about it. Oh, that's the pool guy. All right, more information about live shows coming in 2025. We hope to have that for you next week. So stay tuned. You should be getting refunds or have already gotten refunds

if you bought tickets to the two Florida shows that we had to cancel. Again, my Copa, but we'll take care of ourselves and then we'll be back to you. Two, one, two, four, three, three, three, eight, two, two12-433-3822, 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, ask TCB, content ideas, we take them all. We'd love to hear from you. Text us, leave us a voicemail.

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So don't worry about it. YouTube.com slash the commercial break for all of our interviews and selected episodes clips every single day of the week. Oh man, I think that's all my throat can handle for today. I know, I can tell. Yes, I think so. I love you. I love you. Best to you. And best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. I'm Sally Helm with the podcast History This Week. In each episode, we serve as your eyes

and ears into history's biggest events. Major elections, world wars, scientific breakthroughs. But we also bring you into the smaller, behind-the-scenes stories. The unsung heroes, secret meetings, even personal grudges that changed the course of history. Listen to and follow History This Week, an Odyssey podcast in partnership with the History Channel, available now for free on the Odyssey app and wherever you get your podcasts. That's my opinion!