The Commercial Break - Dad, Please Don't Free Willy!

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

This episode is formally dedicated to Willy Green, beloved pet rat. RIP. Pornhub’s age verification He was a phish out of water Bryan’s pet rat, Willy Don't free Willy! Bryan’s kids know how to use his phone better than he does Bryan likes plot in his porn Yacht carpet replacement Topless beaches Bryan saw a porn getting filmed Mutual masturbation: it’s bro bonding! Dragon pearls… Lubin’ Toobin Facetime is different! We don't judge anybody, we judge everybody! LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us   212.433.3TCB text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Producer: Christina A.  Producer: Gustavo B. To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connexontario.ca. What if, what if we were on an airplane and it started going down and the masks dropped from overhead and it was all just ball gags? What then? On this episode of the commercial break. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to look at it.

It's got diseases. They're carrying you. You got brothers and motherfuckers. God damn. Get it out of the house. And I'm like, dad, please don't make me, don't make me give away. Willie. Free Willie.

Free Willie. Don't free Willie, dad. Don't free Willie. Please. Don't free Willy. Please. He's my friend. This house is a mess. I need some friends. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.

It's 2.30 in the morning. Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Ham Bone and this is Hodley. Best to you, Hodley. Best to you commercial break. I'm Ham Bone and this is Hoadly. Best to you, Hoadly. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Episode number 502, I think we're on right now. Hope everybody enjoyed our little Ham Bone

and Hoadly special, getting a lot of feedback. Are we? It's coming, I promise. It's on the way. One of two things is gonna happen. Either we're gonna see a precipitous drop in numbers or people are gonna write in and tell us how wonderful it is. We had fun doing it.

I enjoyed it, I'll tell you that much. It was great. We don't get a chance to do that often because we're always pumping out new content, but it took us a while, but we got through it. I want to say thank you to everybody again for tuning in and listening and making this podcast a little podcast that couldn't. Couldn't make money. Couldn't get listeners.

Oh, sorry. Hey, I turned you off. Oh, am I on now? Well, let's just turn it off for the rest of the episode to see what happens. Oh, there you go. All right, I'll leave you. I'll leave you. Yeah.

But anyway, onward and upward, back to the normal pump and grind of the show. Did you hear that Pornhub has pulled out of Texas? No. And others are soon to follow. It is believed. And let me explain why. Let me read the story to you. Okay, yeah. Okay. On the heels of Pornhub blocking access to Texas-based users following the state's age verification law for adult content. Other websites could soon follow.

PornHub's parent company, AYLO, A-Y-L-O, A-LO? Yeah, okay. Disabled services in Texas on Thursday after the Fifth U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled in favor of a law that requires them to verify that users are 18 years of age or older. Other sites may choose to do the same, particularly sites that are not necessarily for adult content. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton is looking for somebody to make an example of, and I would suspect that other websites you wouldn't necessarily think of as porn sites should be worried, this guy Christopher Terry said. According to Terry, X, Reddit, and Tumblr could also be subject to the law since adult content

is available on those platforms. So what happened is the Texas legislature passed a law, also known as HR 1181, that basically says that it's the responsibility of the websites to verify the age of the user and not just in a way like are you 18 or older? Yeah. Of course that's easy to get around. And so now what they have to do is they actually have to verify via state ID or driver's license. Take a picture with themselves. You know how you go to some like banking services and stuff like that and they want to verify your actually who you say you are by sending in your driver's license? Yeah. Now you've got to

do that for porn. Okay. porn in the state of Texas. And so now what they're, as I adjust the TV from falling off the wall, and now what they're saying is that other sites that are not necessarily porn sites, but do have adult content on occasion, like they said, Twitter and Tumblr and Reddit, may have to follow suit because it's an enormous cost and an enormous lift to make sure that everyone is 18 that gets on your site. Not to mention it's just a pain in the ass. Like when I wanna whack off, I wanna whack off now.

I don't wanna wait for someone to verify that I'm 18 years old. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, think about this. Like I am going to go other places to find my porn if someone is asking me to put up my driver's license. Not to mention, do I really want everybody knowing going to go other places to find my porn if someone is asking me to put up my driver's license. Not to mention, do I really want everybody knowing that I'm into, you know, ass cheating

or you know, gerbil porn? I don't want anybody to know that. I want my porn as private as possible and I don't want my driver's license attached to that pornography. Now, lucky for me, I'm at the age where I don't... I was born into time when the Sears catalog was about the best porn you were going to find if you were under 18 or not. And so, you know, for me, I'm not like a super-duper like porn movie kind of guy. I never really have been. Because I think just during my formative years, it wasn't available to me. It

wasn't readily available. Like I couldn't bring in a VHS into that. Where in the fuck would I get it anyway? Right? So how was I going to get porn into the house? I wasn't going to get porn into the house. So you just looked at what was available, right? The Sears catalog bra section. That was a good, oh my God, a tent. The Victoria's Secret. Yeah. When that started coming, that was like a dream come true, a wet dream come true. Because, and my mom was not into Victoria's Secret, so she would throw the catalogs away, even though they were peppering them all over the place, she would throw them away. But I always knew when the Victoria's Secret

catalog was in-house and in the garbage, and I don't care if there was dog shit on that, I would clean it off and I would run it upstairs and I would hide it under my mattress. Now that I'm a father, I'm like, that's the, like, of course it's under the mattress. I used to put everything under the mattress. Weed, lighter, cigarettes, porn, small animals. I mean, I did everything. I literally hid a rat under my bed one time for like three months.

Yes. Until my dad found out. I went to the, listen. I don't know what this has to do with Texas Pornhub, but I'm going to tell you the story anyway. I had, when I was like 15, 16 years old, I started running around with a couple of young ladies that I will never forget. There's a big influence on my life at that time. And these young ladies were hippie to the core. They were like deadhead hippies. I mean, however deadhead you can be at 15 years old. I think what they really were was interested in the lifestyle,

the ethos, all that other stuff. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I don't think they ever went to a dead concert in their life, but I think they were interested in the lifestyle. And so they were tape swapping, and I kind of fell for one of these girls. And then so these two specific young ladies that I was hanging out with all the time. So I ended up going to like a fish show or something with them, my first fish show, right? And it was like, I was literally, no pun intended, a fish out of water. Here I am, big Doc Martens, stupid hoop fucking

jeans, you know, goddamn chain on my belt. I'm walking around and everybody else is the opposite of what I am. I'm like a go to the Jane's Addiction concert kind of guy, not go to the go to the fish show. But because I liked these two girls, I wanted to see what the scene was all about. Yeah, of course. And what I saw in that parking lot surprised me and made me happy. Drugs readily available. But I was like so scared of everything that was going on. I was like nervous to be in this environment because I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know the verbiage. I didn't know the lingo. It was my first time, Hodley. You always remember your first.

That's right. And what I do remember is that there were some people that had, because they couldn't take, you know, dogs are expensive. Cats you can't have on a fish show. I mean, what are you going to do with a cat? You know, it's like, I don't know. Cats do their own thing. So some people had dogs, but a lot of people had exotic pets. One of the things that I saw, like, I don't know, I'm going to guess. I don't really know.

I didn't even know that was a thing. I've seen the dogs, of course, but. I saw people with birds. I saw some people with snakes. Of course, there's always that one idiot in the crowd That's got a python wrapped around his neck, you know, always like choking him just a little bit He's like, oh my and it's like no dude. I don't All twisted up on acid and now you want me to hold your python? No, and by the way, it's killing you

Your snake is friendly really But what I did see more than any of the other exotic animals was rats. There were a lot of people that had pet rats and they would sit on their shoulder and, you know, they would have them in their hand and they'd be playing with them. It was a thing, like a thing for a minute there back in the mid to late 90s, whenever I was that age. So, Brian, in an effort to be cool with all the rest of the kids, thought, hey, listen, a rat, how hard could that be? So, I go to the pet store with one of these young ladies, and I pick out a rat, and his name is Willie, Willie the Rat, right? Okay, so now I got

Willie the Rat, and I put him in my bed, I get a little box, I put all the little fluffy stuff in there, I give him a little bit of food and a little bit of water, and I slide it under my bed. And I'm living upstairs on the same level as my father alone because Kevin's down in the basement. Well, this rat went unnoticed probably, I mean, maybe it wasn't three months, maybe it was like a month, month and a half. But this rat, it would just, I just put the top on the box and the thing was awesome. Never bit through, never chewed through anything. And then when I got home, I'd take him out and he'd run around me. Play around with him? Yeah, I'd play around with him. He'd run around me. And then when I got home, I'd take him out and he'd run around me. Yeah, I'd play around with him.

He'd run around me. And then, you know, when I went to the shows or hung out with people, I would, you know, bring Willie. And Willie would just- There you go, you were fitting in. He would literally sit on my shoulder. Loved him, loved Willie the rat. He was awesome.

Then one day I come home and Willie's gone. And I'm like, where, what the fuck? Where's the box? Oh shit, dad knows. So I make that long walk down this very long hallway to the other end of the house where my dad's office is. And I know, and I know, I know exactly what's gonna happen.

My dad is not, like everyone's scared of their dad at some point, you know? The dad's gonna, and dad, my dad was like that. Like you had to go into his office, he wanted you to sit in the chair, he wanted to tell you what's what. And so I was like, oh shit, what am I gonna say about the fucking rat, right?

And so I walk in and there on the desk is the box with the rat top on. And I come in and it's like, my dad's just waiting for me. He's like, well, two things. There is no such thing as a pet rat. Number two, will not live in this house. How long have you had this? And I was like, oh, a couple days.

Bullshit. And I said, dad, it's just been a couple days. Your brother told me you've had oh, a couple days, bullshit. And I said, dad, it's just been a couple of days. Your brother told me you've had it for a month and a half. Oh, he busted you. Kevin and I had a little friendly rivalry going on when we were kids. And I said, dad, but I got the rat. I've had it, it's my friend now.

It's my pet, it's my thing. I've been taking care of it. He's like, fuck, we've had a dog for 12 years and you've yet to once pay attention to it. And now you got a pet rat and it's your best friend. And I said, dad, it's not hurting anything. Look at it. It's just sitting in the box. It's not doing anything, you know? And I go look at it. And I went to go take the top off and my dad slammed the top down. And he goes, I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to look at it. It's got diseases. It carries you.

You got brothers and motherfuckers. God damn, get it out of the house. And I'm like, dad, please don't make me, don't make me give away. Willie, free Willie. Free Willie. Don't free Willie, dad. Don't free Willie.

Please. He's my friend. This house is a mess. I need some friends. So unbelievably, my dad agrees to the following stipulations. This is like a negotiation going on back and forth between us. And I finally say, what if I keep him in the garage? Because the garage is attached to the house and it's got these large closets on the back of the thing and the closets are big and they're

deep. And I said, what if I make a little space for Willie in one of the closets that we don't use? And he says, you clean out the entire garage, you organize the cabinets, you cut the grass, and you clean the floor of the garage, and then we'll talk about putting Willie in the garage. So I did it over the weekend, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I did it. And then I said, can I please keep Willie in the garage. So I did it over the weekend, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I did it. And then I said, can I please keep Willie in the garage? And he said,

if that rat gets out, if that rat causes trouble, if anybody in this house gets sick, I don't care from what, it's because of Willie and Willie is going. And I don't care what you do with Willie, but he's not staying here. Well, it didn't last long because Willie, who had done nothing but sit in that box for a month and a half until I got it out and took it on, you know, took it to widespread panic shows with me, decided that it was cold outside and my mom was smoking a cigarette out in the garage, like sometimes we would do because it was warm in the garage. She was smoking cigarettes in the garage and someone had cracked the little closet door open just a little bit and Willie was hanging out with my mom. And my mom didn't

like that. She did not like the rat. And God bless her. I mean, she had a lot to deal with at that time. A rat was probably not good for her psyche, right? But that rat was like, apparently tried to come and like hang out with my mom. It was like, it was probably just trying to get warm. It was like, my mom screams and yells, you know, whatever, da, da, da. Did she know Willie was in there? I don't know because my mom may have been at the hospital. I don't remember how that all went down.

It's, you know, it's so long ago. I don't know if she was like totally surprised. No, I think she probably knew. Or if maybe there was a inkling. Yeah, I think she probably knew, but I think at this surprised her in a way that, you know, was scary. You don't want to be surprised. Yeah, I mean, think about it for me too. Even though I had a probably knew, but I think this surprised her in a way that she was scared. You don't wanna be surprised.

Yeah, I mean, think about it. For me too, even though I had a pet rat, I do not want to see them in my house. Now that I'm so much older, I'm like, the fuck was I thinking? I'll never let my kids have a rat. That's crazy. So first of all, rats aren't supposed to be domesticated.

This is like an albino rat with the pink eyes, right? And so it was really pretty, soft and warm, but it did have that weird tail. And that weird tail I could never get over. Yeah, I could never get over the tail. Like I always loved Willie, but I hated his tail. I was like, and I didn't even know it was a he. I have no idea.

I don't even know. No one knew. It wasn't, you know, jizzing all over the place. So I figured it was trying to hump my leg or anything. So I come home, big drama at the house, you know, jizzing all over the place. So I figured it was trying to hump my leg or anything. So I come home, big drama at the house, you know, my dad's like, that's it, game over, done. We tried it, it didn't work, sorry, you got to let it go. Your mom can't handle it. I never liked it in the first place. There's no reason for a rat to be in our garage, not a domesticated rat. It's just, he goes, I pay the exterminators money to keep these things out of my house and now you have brought

one in. What am I going to do when the exterminator shows up? Like, just tell them, just don't kill that one rat. Yeah, that specific one is okay. Do you have anything that won't kill that one rat? So I said, well, dad, what am I going to do with it? And he's like, I don't care what you do with it. Give it to one of your friends. He goes, he's a rat. He'll be fine in the sewers. So 15 years old, middle of the night, he gave me until the next morning to get rid of the rat, right? And this is, I don't know, it was like six o'clock at night. So I couldn't find anyone

that would take the rat. Of course, no one was going to take the rat because it's a dumb idea in the first place. No one else's parents wants a fucking rat either. No one wants a rat. Why did I buy it? I actually paid money for that rat. Most people pay money to keep the rats out. I paid money to keep the rat in. Yeah, I guess you would have those for snakes, right? You would buy them for snakes. Yeah, you could buy them for snakes. And then there were hippies that bought them. And then the hippies. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, it never surprised me, there's never been an interaction between the snake

guy and the rat guy at the fish show, actually. So 15 years old, have my Walkman, I'm listening to some, you know, sad song, probably black from Pearl Jam. I know someday you'll be a beautiful rat, I know someday you'll fly. But why, why, why can't you be, be in my garage? Do do do do do do do. I'm walking down the street listening to the sad music. Like it was midnight? But it's got to, well, I mean, it's the middle of the night

because I've been desperately phoning people trying to get them to take my rat from me and I'll come back on occasion to visit it. Rat adoption services, I'm sure I'm looking through the yellow pages to find a rat rescue. I did everything that I could to save free, to not free Willy. But eventually I just knew the time was up and I was going to get in big trouble if that rat was still there. So I went down toward the end of the street where there was a ravine and then I let Willy go. And I'll never forget, he just kind of stood there like this on his back legs and was like

this, Chrissy, I wept like a baby, like a baby. I wept like a baby, but I was like, go on, go on. And he was like, he was like, I don't know what to do if I'm not in a garage, in a box. He went back in the box. So I let him go. He eventually scurried off and I guess he knew that, you know, our time was up together and that made me very sad. And yeah, it is really sad.

And you know what else is sad? Texas doesn't have porn anymore. This whole thing I wanted to talk about. Now I'm sad about Willie. It was sad. I do remember. I know, I'm picturing a little interaction before he runs off. Oh, I got my Walkman on.

I remember I just cried. It's so emotional. I walked like a quarter of a mile to do this, so I had to walk back. I'll never forget, a little chilly outside, and I had a jacket on, and I was just so devastated that Willie had to go, but you know. Hopefully he lived a long life. He probably got eaten the very next day. By like a hawk.

Yeah, or other rats, more experienced. Hey, come over here little ratty. Come join our little ratty family, what do you think? Oh, excuse me, while I gnaw on your back leg. And Willie was probably like, where's Brian? Where's my papa? Where's my daddy? My daddy's coming back for me real soon. Yeah, sure he is, kid. How do you think the rest of us got down here? Oh, poor Willie. I hope he did live a wonderful life. Yeah, you can choose to think that. But listen, the rats, like, I have to imagine that

he figured it out for at least a week or two, I'd like to think. Yes, we'll think that. It's a tough, tough world out there. It's a cruel world. It is a cruel world. Oh, I hope he got a job and found a wife and made himself, and he got happy. I hope he had a little rat family and everyone survived. I hope so too. We can just think that. Yeah. Here's to Willie. Cheers to Willie. Cheers to Willie. This episode is dedicated to Willie.

This episode is sponsored and dedicated to my old friend Willie. Speaking of sponsored by, let's take a short break and we'll come back with more. What? Oh, hi, it's Christina again. Here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TCBdio. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number.

I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCB phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-433-3TCB. Once more for the people in the back, that's 212-433-3TCB. Once more for the people in the back, that's 212-433-3TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at youtube.com slash the commercial break. That's all for now.

Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. It's after bedtime, the kids are asleep and the moms are out to play. We're Dina and Kristen, the duo behind the Instagram account, Big Little Feelings. I'm Dina, I'm a child therapist and mom of two who nerds out on all things neurobiology and psychology, and Kristen is a parent coach who wrangles three kids on a daily basis, here to give it to us like it is. We weren't meant to do this parenting thing alone.

Consider after bedtime your village. Follow After Bedtime with big little feelings on the Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, and we're back. Aw. Aw. Wiped, I just wiped Brian's tears. Actually, I just did tug of my heartstrings a little bit.

Yeah. But I did, there was nothing else to do. I mean, I just didn't know what to do. There really isn't a rat rescue, I don't think. I think they're pretty much looked at as rodents that need to be disposed of. I mean, in New York, they have a terrible problem with that. Yes, they do. And in New Orleans, do you remember those videos back when COVID first hit and there

were lockdowns? I don't know if you ever saw this, but people were taking videos out on the streets of New Orleans, like Bourbon Street empty, right? But the rats were in the hundreds all over the place. Yeah, just scurrying across the streets, living as if no human had ever been there. I know it's really scurvy, it like skeeves you out. And we have the river here too, so we've got lots of rats. Rats are a problem. And so normally you would look to get rid of them, not to take them into your home. So, I understood my dad's, but now, many years later, I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking about that fucking rat? Danielle Pletka He was trying to fit in.

Jared Sussman I was trying to fit in. Danielle Pletka And you found a little friend. Jared Sussman I found a little friend and never had any kind of sexual interaction with those two ladies. They ended up being good friends of mine. And that is the moral of the story. Give up the rat, get the lady. That's the moral of the story. I like it. But back to Pornhub. I mean, what do you think about this? Listen. Yeah, I don't know, because it's a little bit of a double edge, I see, because it is just readily available. Any kid of any age is able to get on Pornhub or X or Tumblr or wherever, you know, and be able to see that.

So I see wanting to keep your child from looking at that. Yeah. As long as possible. Not on the other hand. I mean, kids are going to do what kids are going to do. You're going to find it somewhere. Yeah. And it's trying to, it just, I think, could are going to do what kids are going to do. You're going to find it somewhere. Yeah. And it's trying to, it just, I think, could lead to more problems. And I think there's like routers and VPNs and stuff where you can figure it out. Right?

So it's not like making it totally inaccessible. It's just making it a little bit harder to get at. Here, I was telling Chrissy this yesterday. I go to sleep. So there's like, we have a million children. And so like these million children, some of them sleep in the room with us, we co-sleep. And I don't give a shit what you say. This is a choice that we made during the pandemic. And I'm glad that we did. And you know, they'll get in their own rooms anyway. That's not the

point of the story. The point of the story is we keep two beds in the bedroom, one up high, one on the actual bed, on an actual bed frame, right, a bed frame. And then we have one bigger mattress that sits on the floor for the kids. But on occasion, you know, kids are kids and you get mixed up. And so sometimes I end up sleeping on the floor with one of the kids if they get bothered. So the other night I'm sleeping with one of the kids and I'm watching a television program as I go to sleep. On your phone. On my phone with my phone pillow. I got my phone pillow.

That's right, the phone pillow. Yes, my phone pillow. If you don't know what this is, Google it, it's gonna change your life. So I've got my phone pillow propping up my phone as like a big movie screen if you hold it right next to your face, right? And so I'm watching whatever stupid, silly comedy show that I'm watching as I go to sleep.

And then I wake up in the middle of the night, I turn the phone off, I put it right next to me. I wake up the next morning, I'm having my morning press conference. And you had cleaned off too all of your apps. Oh yeah, I clean off all of my apps, I take them all away. So at the end of the night, just to conserve energy, I swipe them up and make sure that all the apps are closed. So the only thing that I have open is Amazon at that time.

I go to my morning press conference, which is when I poop and drink my coffee and the kids come in and talk to me. How they do that, I don't know. It's so disgusting. I don't want to be with anybody while they poop, but the kids don't seem to mind. Except for occasionally one of my daughters would be like, daddy, that really smells very bad. And I'm like, what would you want, kid? It's coming out of my ass. Yours doesn't smell so great either. I changed yours for two years. Payback's a bitch, honey. I don't know what to tell you. So, there's a point to this story. So, one of the other children comes in and he says, hey, dad, do you want to go see this Disney cartoon on Saturday with me at the movie theater? And I'm like, when is Luca playing at the movie theater? It's four and a half years old. I

don't think he's at the movie theater, son. He goes, no, it's Saturday at 510. And I'm like, Saturday at 510? How the fuck do you know that? I'm like, how do you know that? And he's like, I saw it. And I go, where'd you see it? On Fandango. And I'm like, Fandango? How did you get to Fandango? And he's like, on your phone. And I was like, wait, I have my phone in my hand. How did you see Fandango on my phone? He's like, this morning when you were sleeping, I went on Fandango and looked for a movie we could go watch. And I'm like, holy shit. So then I open my phone and I do that little pop-up to see all of the windows that are open. There are 16 fucking windows open. Internet Explorer, Disney+, Amazon, Netflix. He was on my phone, I'm guessing for an hour,

because the kid, and I pop up those apps and guess what's there? Fandango. I click it. Movie. Saturday. Luca. 510. PM. At the local movie theater. At the local movie theater. He knew which movie theater to search. This kid is not six years old yet. And that is what is going, this is insane to me. The next step is boobs. That's the next step, because the kids are going to start talking about it. You know, my mom has boobs, your mom has boobs, this kid has a vagina, penis, whatever. That's what happens. And so the next thing he's going to start typing into those search bars are boobs, penis, vagina, whatever. Things that, yeah, he's hearing about. And what's going to come up is a slew of hardcore pornography based on my browsing history.

Right. Yeah. Always do it in private, kids. Always do it in private. So I am facing this real time. I am facing these consequences of phone births, essentially, in real time. So part of me believes that there does need to be some kind of control over access to sexually related

material, especially when they're so young, right? And part of me believes that this is a fool's errand altogether. You're putting a lot of extra expense on these companies who obviously provide a service that people do want. Pornhub is one of the most popular websites in the world. It is. Yeah. And that's not going to change anytime soon. People like their porn. Every state, every... If you are a human being over the age of 18, you know what Pornhub is. You've probably been on it

for a lot of different reasons. Yes. And so this feels like a double-edged sword to me, but I guess I have to believe that maybe the phone companies should make it harder for kids to access, like make it easier for parents to put on blocks on certain types of sites that might have imagery. Like on Google now, they have a safe setting,

and it's always in default on the safe setting. You actually have to click on a button in order to turn on explicit images. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah. I didn't even know that. Don't ask me how I know that. And so, you know, this feels to me like a fool's errand. And this merges into another story that I was reading about, which is that people who are having children now are not allowing their children

to be on phones and iPads at all. So, I think the title of the story was, kids born today will not be an iPad iPhone generation, because a lot of people in their 20s and 30s are saying to themselves, this ruined my life. I'm not going to let it ruin my child's life, right? And I think that's a really interesting choice to make. Now, let's see what happens when they actually have children. Let's see what happens when they actually have children. Because Astrid and I were like that also. We were like, fuck no, no social media, no apps, no iPhones.

They're gonna be kids. They're gonna play. They're gonna do the yard. They're gonna have kids, they're gonna play, they're gonna do the art, they're gonna have dandelions in their hair. Little flower children. And you know what they're on? They're on fucking Fandango! Buy movie tickets.

Yes, well it does have a use of the iPads and those types of things do have a use, especially too if you're trying to get something done, you're out somewhere. Yes, you're not getting anything done. Yeah. They are useful. We used to, for probably like three months,

we used to bring an iPad with us if we went out to a restaurant. And not like a nice restaurant, you don't take kids to really nice restaurants, but like the family restaurant. And be like, okay, let's bring the iPad in case this one melts down, we just pop on a Disney cartoon or whatever, you know, Nickelodeon.

And it works. And it works like a charm. I know. Yeah. It's all of a sudden, they're all like, they just get that glazed look in their eye and they just stare at the iPad. But we cut that out. And so we really made the choice that like the decision, you have to learn how to be

out in public on your own and be act appropriately. And so we're going to do that. And let me tell you, that's a very difficult choice to make because taking children out to a restaurant is no easy feat, especially when you have 20 of them. It's not easy. And I would love to break out that iPad at times of distress, but now we just take whichever child or whichever children are having a moment, we take them, we exit them from the restaurant or to the restroom and we let them have their moment and then we bring them back.

Or even having like specific technology time, where it's certain types, parts of the day. So one of my kids really likes to play games, like puzzles and games. Wheel of Fortune is a fun one, right? So we have an app on my phone, Wheel of Fortune app, and we'll play Wheel of Fortune. Then Scrabble, like Scrabble is another thing that we'd like to play. So we play Scrabble or, you know, match game or whatever it is. And so we'd let them play that 15, 30 minutes, maybe 45 minutes on a particular day. And on the weekends, we give them a little,

it's a little bit more loosey goosey on the weekends. Okay, let's watch a movie or whatever. But maybe that's what I need to start doing with my own Pornhub time, is I need to dedicate three to four minutes every day for my Pornhub time. Yeah, exactly. You schedule it.

And you don't go on Pornhub a lot. Do you go on Pornhub a lot? No. Okay, all right. So if you go on a Pornhub a lot. Do you go on Pornhub a lot? No. Okay, all right. So if you ever go on Pornhub, you'll find that there's a trend happening with Pornhub that I've noticed. And that trend is the clips are getting shorter and shorter.

They used to put like whole porn movies on there, right? And two hours long porn movies with plots and stuff. Now it's just money shot, money shot, money shot, money shot, that's it. That's all it is. Little work up, money shot, done. And I know why this is, is because our attention spans are dead and we have no interest in watching the plot in a good porn movie, which I object to. I like a good plot in a porn movie. Yeah, a good plot leading up to it.

That's right. I want to see Mrs. Crotchet get her... I want to see Mrs. Crotchet get, you know, her, I want to see Mrs. Crotchet do her cable guy. The delivery man come to the door. Yes! Knock, knock, knock. Who is it? It's the cable guy. Oh, excuse me. I just got out of the bathroom and I have a robe that I forgot my belts. Two of my boobs are showing. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I'm so sorry. Mr. Cab, just here to fix your cables. I'll be right over here plugging in your TV. Oh, Mr. Cable Guy. I like those kind of movies. If I'm going to watch a porn movie, I want plot.

Right, characters, plot development. I don't want to see money shot. You know what I'm saying? Where did these two come from? How would they end up in this? Right. How did they end up in this? How did they end up on this balcony in the middle of Miami having sex in front of strangers? Or on the yacht. Didn't you actually see it? I saw a porn movie being filmed on a yacht in Miami in view of hundreds of other boats. I have video of it. It is insane. There was, we went for 4th of July. That was the time that my son

spilled grape juice all over one of my uncle in-laws, I guess is what you would refer to him as, one of my uncle in-laws, brand new yacht. I'm not saying a boat, I'm saying a yacht. That's what it is. It's a yacht. All white carpet, all white walls, the kind of white walls that like, they're like pleather or something. They're porous. So my son, the first thing we do is we get on there and he's giving us this speech, hey guys, stay away from the motors,

don't touch the wheel, just like general boat safety, right? Here are the things in case we drowned or whatever. He's doing all this whole nine yards. Lifeboats, life jackets. And my kid, one of my kids has got a grape juice in his hand, one of those grape juice boxes. And he goes walking down the stairs,

squeezes the grape juice box, because he falls and red grape juice all over the walls and the carpet. I am freaking the fuck out because I could not get it up off the carpet. I'm like, oh shit. You need an oxygen clean. Exactly. I'm scrambling. And this is what my uncle-in-law says. God bless his fucking

soul. He says, oh, don't worry about it. We're going to get that replaced. And I'm like, in your brand new yacht, you're going to get brand new carpet replaced? Come on, man. That was nice of him. It was so nice of him. So either he was lying and hates my guts to this day or- Well, you haven't been invited back, have you? I haven't been disinvited back.

He hasn't said you can't come back. Nobody hasn't exactly extended the invitation. I don't know, we'll be down there in a couple of months. I'll talk to him. I'll say, hey, listen, let me eventually pay for portion of that carpet replacement. If you had to get, how much is the carpet replacement? You know, he'd probably be like $40,000. And I'll be like, and how much is that per square inch?

What about just the size? Can I do some calculations? Yeah. What about if I go cut out that stain on the wall? Like the sample size? Yeah, and I'll get a sample and just tape it up there. Just brand new. I go into the carpet store and I'm like, do you have carpet that looks like this?

And they're like, nope, but we got carpet that's about three shades darker. I'll take it, a sample of it. Didn't we review one time cheapskates that went and picked carpet samples up, like three carpet samples and then tape them together on their floor So we that's what I'm gonna do with my uncle's boat That's where you sell the porn also being made. Yeah, so so we're on this boat. We go out It's like, you know, fourth of July weekend We go out into the middle of this Cove in Miami where everybody else and their mother is parking about it's so fucking crowded in there

I mean there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of boats and mother is parking her boat. It's so fucking crowded in there. I mean, there are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of boats and I'm standing on the top of the yacht and I'm just like hanging out. There's no one else up there with me. And then I'm watching this. I'm picturing you like the power stance. Yes. Power stance. Just surveying the string bikinis. Yes. Binoculars. Oh, zooming in on my phone. Zoom in. 10X. Yep, that's a nipple. I can see it. I love it. I bet you see a lot in Miami. Oh my God. You don't even, not as much as you see in Spain. Listen, Miami is tame compared to Spain. Really? Well, in the

sense that you are allowed to go topless in Miami. It's a law. You mean in Spain? No, in Miami. Oh, in Miami. Yeah, you can go topless on the beach. I've seen lots of that. But in Spain, it is such a culture of...

They don't actually do it. To do it. That so many people do it that you can't go to a beach in Spain and throw a rock without hitting four tits and maybe a dick. I mean, it's just like people go full on naked sometimes. Right, they got to get the sun. Hey, listen, I would do it if I didn't think I was going to scare the children. And that's my main concern. So, I'm standing up on the top of this boat and then I'm watching this one boat, this yacht, as it's, I don't know, two football fields away. I'm watching, it's kind of like meandering its way through the crowd.

And I'm noticing on top that there is lighting fixtures. Like they've got those like ring lights and you know, those foil things where they direct the sunlight and all that. And I'm like, oh, they must be shooting an Insta or something like that. You know, it's really, there must be an influencer on this, a huge yacht, huge yacht. And I'm like, oh, they must be doing like an influencer or an Insta or something. There must be somebody famous on there or something. And as they start to meander closer, I can see that there are like five, six, seven ladies surrounding this one guy who is sitting on a chair. And they're all like, you know, dancing, one girl's on her knees close to the guy. And then I realize that almost all of the girls are naked,

except for two of them that have like super string bikinis on, right? And this is just like, I can't really focus and see like nipples and vagina, but I cannot see clothing. And as they get closer and closer, I'm like, holy shit, they're, they're filming a fucking porn movie. That guy is getting head. That guy is getting head. And there's two guys running around with these cameras. Yeah. It was probably probably went up on board. It's gotta be on board. I know it's gotta be on porn

hub. So I see this. I am so in awe that I can't alert anybody else. Cause first of all, there's a poor being making nothing but next door. So what do I do? I film it with my camera, zooming in, I'm trying to get the action. I'm like, Oh my God, this is crazy. I can't believe that I'm seeing this. And it's, it's kind of a blur really, but you can see the gist of it. I'll find the video. I'll show it to you. I know. Yeah, I'm interested to see it. But I didn't want to learn anybody because I didn't want my uncle to move the boat. I was getting a good view. I was like, well, I can't really whack off here, but I guess

I can take it all in. I can film it to do that later. I can film it, do that later. That's right. It was like one of the most insane things I've ever seen in my life with my naked eyes. Oh, God, that's crazy. So, you know, I don't, but that's probably another one of these movies where it's just money shot, money shot, money shot. I want to see where did these people come from?

How did they get on the boat? Who invited them on the boat? You know, what do they do in their normal day lives? I need a little character development if I'm going to get into it. Maybe it's my age. Maybe the character development makes it all make sense to me. But when I see someone, you know, tits down, ass up, just, you know, getting pounded by some, you know,

15-foot long dong, and I'm like... And they're like, oh, yeah, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And that's it, you just go into the movie, and the guy's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, that slapping noise, or maybe he's like spanking his penis on her vagina. It's like, wake up, wake up!

What is that move? Who does that? Who does that in real life? Who smanking his penis on her vagina. It's like, wake up, wake up. What is that move? Who does that? Who does that in real life? Who smacks the penis on the vagina? Who does that? It seems offensive to me. I'm sorry.

Ding dong. Wake up, wake up. It's time to get entered. Wake up, wake up. It's the dumbest porn move I've ever seen, but every fucking porn movie it happens. Or maybe I'm just doing something wrong. Well, maybe. I don't know.

But I'll tell you what, we have a- There's something for everyone. There is something for everyone. And just a little clue, we don't like to forecast a lot on this show because we never know what's going to happen or not going to happen, but we have a guest coming in next week, I think, and he has one of the funniest bits on sex I have ever heard. I hope he'll just share a little bit of it with us.

Oh, that's right, that's right. Yes, and I wanna say his name in case something falls through and then everyone's like, what happened? He's really funny, hot to try. He's one of the best comics out there today, and I can't wait. So you just have to stay tuned until whichever week I decide to air that. But when you do hear that, I hope he gives up the goose on that one particular

bit. All right, we'll stay away from the porn talk for the rest of the commercials. Then we'll be back. Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath, and now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right, it's 212-433-3TCB. And you can text us anytime you want. Or you can call and leave us a voicemail, and we might just use your message on the show. Once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course.

Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com. Now I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G and here they are. And we're back. I, you know, I've been watching this guy on Instagram for a while and I think we've talked about him. Remember- Should I just go for the- Okay, hold on one second and I'll play this. Do you remember when you and I did the episode

about anal sunning? The sunning of the perineum, the undercarriage, right? There were guys out there, they were sunning under their balls, they thought that the sun helped them energize their penis chakra or whatever it is. So, there is a specific human being out there, he was in this video, his name is not Will Blunder, I think is what his... Hold on one second. Let me... I just want to make sure I get this right. Anyway, so this guy is on... I'll tell you in a second. So this guy is on Instagram, and he has been talking about doing mutual masturbation sessions with other guys, and how that energizes the whole room. Do you know what I'm talking about? Have you seen this dude? I think he was just, I desperately

wanted to get him onto the podcast, but it didn't happen or hadn't yet happened. And then he went on another famous podcast, comedy podcast, and I don't want to steal their bit. I don't want to steal their thunder. Not that I would steal their thunder, who the fuck am I? But I didn't want to steal their bit. I don't want to steal their thunder. Not that I would steal their thunder. Who the fuck am I? But I didn't want to steal their bit. But this guy has been talking about like mutual masturbation, other guys fondling other guys balls while you're whacking off to get their energy into your energy. And the way that he talks about this Chrissy is just so fucking hilarious.

Hold on one second and- Is it convincing? No, not in the least. I'm not even sure he's convinced that this is actually the right thing. But he's already played his flag. He's gotta just go down the path. Yeah, when you start to get a little viral.

He's committed. Yeah. You know, they say there's riches in niches. This guy has got a niche and is very interesting. He is, not Will Blunderfield is the guy's name. So let me play you a little bit of one of the clips that, here we go, hold on one second. I wanna play you one of the clips that he's got.

This is crazy. Wait for this. Here we go. Oh wait, I gotta turn it on. Chrissy, wait till you hear this. I know, we're a hot mess. Just leave us alone. Most men, that is, are designed to have a romantic relationship with a female, with somebody with milk pistols, a beautiful good smelling rug that being said I would venture to say all men do respond erotically to males as well but it's more of like a bro we kind of thing erotic platonic comfort and the only way that that's gonna happen in a high vibrational way in this matrix is through cultivating a safe bro bonding container. And that's why me

and my colleagues like me and Chris and JP and Lion and Logan and- Lion. Lion. George in Greece, Matt over in the UK over the years. I've gotten to, Mick, you know, I've gotten to collaborate with all these epic dudes with beautiful hummus cannons and beautiful potent dragon pearls. And it's just so important to create these bro bonding containers because the matrix does not want you to transmute your gay panic into erotic platonic comfort

because then it would drop all the competition. It would drop all the comparison on the back of that. And we all just step into more manhood together. So if you want to step into more manhood and break free of the matrix, drop Andrew Chait and follow me. Okay, I agree with the drop Andrew Chait thing. But not this guy puts on videos like this all the time, where he is, like, trying to convince you that mutual masturbation and being sexual with men is not actually mean you're attracted to men, that means you're just like, you're doing the thing that, it's an energy thing, that's what you're supposed to do.

Now, listen, I have ventured into some pretty strange spaces when it comes to sex. I did, you know, tantrum, yoga, studying for a while, and there is some of this that goes on there, meaning that there are some gentlemen who believe in this kind of thing, right? And I'm not saying that it's not true, and I'm not saying it may not work for you to each their own. And clear will Blunderfield here, just, he's out there flying the flag for everybody and getting a lot of attention for it. And what you have to do is you have to pay to go to be a part of a Zoom. Of course you do. A Zoom where everybody is whacking off at the same time cameras on your penises.

What? You do it on a Zoom? I thought that this was in person. Some people do it in- In a special container. Yeah, well, listen, the container... I lost him a little way in about what was the dragon pearls. The dragon pearls are cum, like pearls, right? And the hummus cannon is your dick. He uses all these words so he doesn't get banned by Instagram. So he uses all these weird... Milk pistols.

Milk pistols, your boobs, right? Okay, I get it. I'm following you. Make milk pistols your boobs, right? Okay, I get it. I'm following you. But he is out there really pressing this very hard and he has, if I understand his reels correctly, he has an actual seminar that you can attend on a Zoom call. And there are some people that do it together, right, in the physical room, but then you can zoom in through zoom, you know, just channel in through zoom and whack off camera right on your hummus cannon and then you guys whack off together in this energetic ceremony where everyone is just being a bro, right? We're all just being bro-y about it and whacking off. I am not convinced that this is the right way to go ahead and whack off yet, but you know, the more I listen to the guy, the more I'm like, well. Maybe I want to try it.

Yeah, now I see how people get stuck in cults because I'm like, well, I'm not, I don't like whacking off with other guys. Never tried it. But, but Will is pretty convincing about this. I don't know. Maybe if I get on a zoom call, you know, who is that guy who got fired from CNN for whacking off during his Zoom call? Yeah, I can't remember his name. Tubin. Yeah, Jeffrey Tubin. Tubin's tube. Yeah. This is right up Tubin's alley. Just get in there,

Lubin Tubin. That's what I used to call him. Lubin Tubin. Did you ever see when he made his comeback, he was interviewed when he came back on CNN? No, I think I missed that, but I heard about it. when he made his comeback, he was interviewed when he came back on CNN. Somebody interviewed him. No, I think I missed that, but I heard about it. It was really one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen in my entire life. He had to explain why he did this and what happened. It was so weird.

I mean, he was in the middle of a freaking segment on CNN. He was in the middle of like, yeah, they were like. Yeah, he was like on a break. Yeah, they were like. They were in the middle of talking about yeah, they were like. Yeah, they were like on a break. Yeah, they were like. They were in the middle of talking about some legal thing that was happening. They were with other CNN anchors charting out

what they were going to say and what they were going to do if Trump won, if Trump lost, if he had legal, like they were doing like kind of a war room thing with like 50 other anchors and producers and all that other stuff. They go to take a break and Lubin Tubin leaves on his camera and starts yakking it. And everyone's like, Tubin, Tubin, press mute, dude. You got to turn your camera off, bro. Oh no, oh, Lubin Tubin.

He just had dragon pearls all over the place. Look at that. Oh my God. I mean, that really has to be one of the most embarrassing things. I have whacked off a lot of different places, but I will tell you right now, a zoom call is not ever been one of them. That's being broadcast on CNN. Yes. Internal meeting, whatever it was. If there's another person on another camera, as soon as I turn on zoom, I lose my boner, you know what I'm saying? It's like a default reaction.

I'm not getting a boner during a Zoom phone call. I never have, never will. Because I just inherently, like in my brain, it's like beaten into my brain. You can't whack off during a Zoom phone call. It doesn't work like that. But I do wonder how much that has happened over time. I mean, you gotta imagine over the pandemic,

Lubin Tubin is not the only one who got caught whacking off looking at porn or whatever. And so Lubin Tubin is like perfect for this because it's a Zoom call made to whack off to. Like everybody- That's true. Yeah. Just go ahead and gnarled your nuts

while you're on that Zoom call. I wonder, is this part of the 21 convention too? Oh, God, no, he's not. Yeah. I think he's a little, I think, believe it or not, I actually think that Will Blunderfield makes a lot more sense than any of the guys at the 21 convention. That's saying a lot. That's saying a lot. Well, maybe they need him then. Oh God, yeah. I think this could really breathe some life back into the 21 convention.

Who needs women when you can all just stand around and fondle each other's balls and whack off? Again, I'm not saying it's not for you. Maybe Will Blunderfield is 100% correct. I'm just not convinced. And despite my musings and jokes that I will be, I don't think I'm ever gonna be convinced to get on a Zoom call and whack off.

That's going to make me feel better energetically. I'm going to feel shy. I don't want to whack off in front of other guys. That seems so bad. It's like, what? Really? I mean, if I was into guys, then maybe it would be a thing that I was into. Like, I mean, okay, I may have never whacked off on a Zoom call, but I probably have done it on FaceTime. FaceTime's a different story.

It's a little more loosey-goosey on FaceTime. Right, that's true. But that's for a different reason. I had a long distance relationship with my wife. Okay? So, I don't want you judging me here. I had to do what I had to do. This is judgment-free zone.

No, this is a judgment-free zone. We don't judge anybody. We judge everybody. Right. We don't choose who we judge, we judge everybody. No one's safe. Yeah, I bet I know what Frankie B would say about Will Blunderfield's idea.

Oh, Frankie. What in the gay fuck is going on over there? Frankie's a good one, he knows what he's,. Well, anyway, you want to, if you're interested in this type of thing. And you've done this before. Oh, if you've done this before, you come on the show. Please tell us about it. No judgment. I'm telling you, I have been to tantra seminars that are 10 times stranger than what Will Blunderfield is saying. Live prostate massage classes. That's all I got

to say. All the looks and smells and sensations that you'd ever want right there, right in front of you. Your front center. I was like that rat when I was letting him go. I was like, what? Daddy? I bet you were. Oh, I was. I was so confused. I left. I had to go.

It's not for everyone. It's not for everyone. No, it's not. I mean, they announced it at the beginning of the seminar, which was four days long, and I thought they were just like, like I thought I was going to get a book or something. You know what I'm saying? I don't think I was going to actually get live training right there. What's good for the goose is not always good for the gant.

That's all I got to say. But best you will, Blunderfield. You keep doing your thing, dude. It doesn't seem to be hurting anybody. No. Yeah. He makes a lot more sense than Frankie B. That's for sure. He does, actually.

What he just said there actually had a beginning, a middle, and an end. It was a cohesive thought. That's about as far as I'm going to take it. I'm going to have to look this up. Yeah, you do. Hey, listen, we want you to be on the commercial break. We're so excited about this new segment that we're going to do, and we want you to be a part of it.

All you got to do is dial us up, 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822, for those of you that can't spell. And we want you to come on, ask for our advice, tell us a funny story, get some questions, we'll get the lowdown in any kind of pop culture, anything you wanna talk about, we'd be happy probably to discuss here on the show.

It's not only celebrities we want in, Chrissy, it's the regular folks, because we are regular folks. We're actually two steps below regular folks. We are. So dial that number up, text us, let us know that you want to be on the show. You got a story to tell, that'd be a good one too. Text us, let us know you want to be on the show,

and someone will get back to you and let you know when and where and how to get on the show. Also, questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, ask Brian's mom, ask TCB, all that you can text to 212-433-3TCB. You can also go to tcbpodcast.com. Get your free piggy fronting sticker. Hit the contact us button, drop us your physical address,

we'll send you a sticker. You can also see all the video. You can listen to all the audio and more information about the show at TCBpodcast.com. So go ahead, don't be shy. Go to that website. We spent a lot of time on it. Yes, we did. Make this one thing that has a return on investment, please. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCBpodcast on TikTok, and as Mr. Dr. Phil would say, youtube.com slash the commercial break.

All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say,

we do say and we must say, Goodbye. Good bye! Thanks for watching!