The Commercial Break - Do the Tom Papa Polka!

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

EP #752: Bryan gets up close and personal with Tom Papa! (But not too close because...it's Bryan and he is bad at being a regular human). After an invite to Tom's Atlanta Grateful Bread Show, Bryan can't decide whether or not to say hi. He has a panic attack and bails on the simple act of speaking to someone he already knows! Plus, it's a weekend full of flavor, frights and fun for both the TCB hosts. Krissy goes to SmokeSlam in Memphis to party at the country's largest BBG contest but doesn't get to taste the BBQ. Bryan takes the kids to the Zoo scarring and scaring his children in the process. Then, it's a daddy-daughter day with lizards, gizzards and Sonic (a) hedgehog! Catch up on the mundane lives of your favorite mediocre comedy podcast...or take a nap. Taking a nap would be nice. TCB Clip: Knock Three Times! Watch EP #752 on YouTube! Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB FOLLOW US: Instagram:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@thecommercialbreak⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Youtube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/thecommercialbreak⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@tcbpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.tcbpodcast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ CREDITS: Hosts: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Bryan Green⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ &⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Krissy Hoadley⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Executive Producer: Bryan Green Producer: Astrid B. Green Voice Over: Rachel McGrath TCBits / TCBits Music: Written, Voiced and Produced by Bryan Green To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh my darling, knock three times on the ceiling if you want me Twice on the pipe if the answer is no. Whoa, my sweetness, means you'll meet me in the hallway. Whoa, whoa, twice on the pipe, means you ain't gonna show. On this episode of the commercial break. I kind of darted in and out of the room for a second. Having a conversation with myself as Astrid was like, what do you want to do? What do you, what do you want to do? I mean, are you going to do it or you're not going to do it if you want to do it?

And I'm like, should I do it? I guess I should go second. Does that kind of douchey move? Like, hey, thanks for the free, you know, you know, hey, I just spent two hours, but now I got more, I need more of your time. I didn't know. And does he want to talk to me? Like, is he looking for Brian Green? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, is Tom Papa? Yeah, it's Brian in the audience. Well, that's the ultimate dream is that, I've been on this podcast, the Commercial Break. Yeah.

Here, let me pull it up on the big screen right now and we'll get everybody to follow. That's like the dream. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green, this is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hodley.

Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Just a few moments away, Chrissy, from the TCB's Endless Day, sponsored by Five Hour Energy in which we put out 12 episodes in a 24-hour period and hope, amongst hope, that we don't ourselves end up in a 24 hour period and hope, amongst hope, that we don't ourselves end up in a mental institution.

That's correct. But I have a plan. I've got a plan, and if we stick to the plan, it's less likely that we'll go to the mental institution. So there you go. And I did offer you a hotel room. You said no. I thought, hey Chrissy, why would you wanna stay here?

Why would you wanna be subjected to all of this bullshit when you can just take a break from time to time and Run over to a luxurious suite? at the Hampton Inn That was very sweet of you to think about me like that, but I'm just gonna power through it's gonna be fine I'm excited. We're fine. We're fine Seven tops seven hours of living out of this you guys for the past. Yeah, no, I get that You don't want to do it anymore. You just don't want to do it. I do get that. I do understand it That's gotta be how was the barbecue fest? It was amazing. Yeah ran into our favorite person Jackie B

Jackie B How was the barbecue fest? It was amazing. I ran into our favorite person, Jackie Beans. Jackie Beans! Jackie Beans! I sent him the song. And? He loved it. Sure, he did. I mean, loved it. Everybody around us loved it. Of all the songs I've created now, which is like 102,

Jackie Beans has got to be the most glowing of the songs. Because I don't say a bad word about Jackie Beans. Yes, and he is in fact a legend, amongst many others as well. Yeah, I can see why. I mean, he follows around a pretty mysterious and cool dude himself, right? Doesn't follow him around, they work together. And so he works with this guy who is legendary in and of himself in so many different ways. And he lives a life that not many people live with, you know, airplanes and Jackie beans. I mean, there's just like a lot of things that that kind of life can afford you. Hard earned, well earned, but still nonetheless, that's a life. And then you, so I think like by default,

you're already a legend, but then to be such a cool human being, you move up into some kind of- Upper echelon. Yeah, like some stratospheric, universal, cool dude status. And I just wish I had more Jackie Beans in my life. We all do. I've got his direct number now.

I wish I had an airplane. Quite frankly, I wish I had an airplane that I could sell and take the money and use it for something good. Like you know, school for my children or food for the house or something like that. What was the best barbecue you tasted? Oh God. It was all good. It can't have all been good.

Well, yeah, I mean, because, okay, so there were like 75 teams that were competing, but you're not tasting all of their stuff. Okay. So Jeff and the team, they have a couple of like really major, you know, barbecue superstars from around the world that come in and cook. It's called LiveFire. Okay. from around the world that come in and cook. It's called LiveFire. So they come in and cook and do the sampling and all of that. So Al Furgoni was this one guy who's, yeah, he's big. Melissa Cookston was there.

She's on the Netflix Barbecue Showdown show. She's a judge. She's like seven time world champion. Anyways, they have these fantastic barbecue masters that come in and cook. And so they do a lot of sampling. So they have pit masters essentially that come in and cook. And so they do a lot of sampling. So they have pit masters essentially that come in and they do the cook.

And then of those 75 teams, not everybody enters the contest, is that right? No, no, so all 75 teams are entering the contest. You don't, the public isn't sampling their stuff, only they get judged. Oh, okay. So what Jeff and the team does, they have these other people who come in,

they're not competing. They're just feeding the public. They've won multiple awards around the world. Yeah. So yeah, they're just feeding the public, cooking and feeding the public. Okay, got you. I would think that as a part of that whole organization, you might be one of the judges or something.

Me? Yes, you. Why wouldn't you jump in? Well, I mean, I like barbecue, but it's not my profession. I mean, I just imagine like a Top Chef situation where you're like the guest judge or something. Oh, right. Chrissy Hodley from the commercial break. I'll put the bug in Jeff's ear.

That's what I'd do. I'd angle to be the judge. I'd want to be judging food and harshly too. I'd want to be like, this is too salty. I don't know. What is this? A salt lick? Is this for a horse? I'm not sure. I mean, I've been watching way too much Top Chef, I is too salty. I don't know. What is this? A salt lick? Is this for a horse? I'm not sure. I mean, I've been watching way too much Top Chef, I think. I think I need to slow down. Three months. For three months, I've gone from season nine to season 22 in three months. And I just love that show. I think it is a brilliantly, it is the classiest reality show in television history, my opinion, no doubt about it. And it's so well done that even if you don't know shit from, this is coming from a guy who eats cream and cereal.

It's not like I have super taste buds. And I don't know half the terms that they're using, but I feel like I'm a food expert after watching an episode of Topshop. I thought you've picked up some tips and tricks. Sure, I think I don't, these people seem to have extraordinarily refined palates. It's like the acidity cuts through the saltiness

and the fat melts with the yams and the yams and the clams and the blah, blah, and. There's a science to it all. Yeah, and I'm like, can I get an extra piece of American cheese on my cheeseburger? I don't have that kind of palate. I just don't, but you know, yeah, there is a science to it. And people seem to have very refined palates

and they can taste things inside of other things. I could never do that. I'm not one to be able to pick out things on top of things, but I just love the show. I think it's so good. It is fantastic. There's a reason it's been around for so long. I could see this show going on forever,

quite frankly, just swapping out judges. I mean, when Tom leaves, if Tom leaves, that'll be a big hit to the show. I mean, a big knock to the show. But I also thought that about Padma and the new hostess is pretty good in and of herself. I still miss Padma, but not as much. Like I think had someone else been in that slot, I wouldn't have missed it.

So in case you don't know in Top Chef, Padma Lakshmi was the host along with Tom Colicchio for 20 or 19 of the first 20 seasons. Padma actually was not a judge for one of the seasons, but, um, and then she decided to bow out after season 20 and now they have a new hostess and Tom is like a very celebrated chef. He's like one of the world's best chefs. He's a very celebrated chef and everyone wants to impress him. The thing that makes top chef different is that unlike American Idol or any of these other shows

where you get good and you get bad, but none of them are particularly accomplished. They're all just people off the street. I mean, some of them have like, you know, followings on social media, or maybe they've made a record here or a record there, but none of them have achieved any kind of- They're amateurs. They're amateurs.

That's a good way to put it, they're amateurs. And so you get terrible, terrible people singing and you get wonderful, wonderful people singing. It's a roll of the dice and they focus on that terrible as a big part of the first, whatever, you know, five episodes of the season. Top Chef made the smart call from the beginning that we are not going to take any amateur, this is not an amateur cooking competition. We want the best of the best.

And even though the first few seasons, because it was new, I don't think they got the best of the best. I think they got up and coming chefs, but they were still very talented. Well, now it's just like, these are James Beard award winners. You know, they work at three star Michelin restaurants. These are like superstar chefs that are walking in the door cooking this kind of food. And all I can say is I would die for one afternoon in the Top Chef kitchen to like have them

cook me something and I still don't think I would be able to taste the yams through the clams. I don't think so, but I think I could say, well, that tastes good or that doesn't taste good. They use a lot of bones and oxtail and chicken gizzards and guinea fowl and stuff like that. Kind of all parts of the animal. Yeah. That part, I could pass on that part. But if they made it taste good, maybe. I had oxtail in Jamaica.

I've had oxtail. It's not my favorite thing in the world. No, it's not my favorite, but it was good. No, it was okay. It wasn't my favorite thing in the world, but if like in a pinch, if you put a menu in front of me and you said like onion salad, uh, onion salad, if you said like onion salad, live baby octopus or oxtail, I'd eat the oxtail. No doubt about it. If you said beef heart or oxtail, I'd go for the oxtail. If you said foul or what is or what do they call that?

There's a part of the chicken that is not typically used in the awful, the awful. That's what they call it. There's a part of the chicken that's not used. It's like the insides, the intestines, the guts, the weird parts. And they call it awful, the chicken awful. And I was watching Top Chef a couple of weeks ago,

whatever season it was, and there were a couple of chefs that were using the awful to cook like a down home Southern meal. And I was like, why would you ever want to put chicken intestines in anything that you put in your, I mean, that's just to me, that's beyond the pale. But you know, hey, listen, these are accomplished chefs and they can do wonderful things. They can work magic with just a few simple ingredients, Chrissy.

And so as a part of our relationship with your husband, I think we, you specifically, but maybe I can make it if I can find a babysitter, we should be judges on the next barbecue... Smokeslamp. Smokeslam. Smokeslam. I think that only makes sense.

Well, let me talk to Jeff about it. Do they give away awards? Yes. What is the award for like the best? Well, I mean, they give away money and then they give away an actual award. What is the cash that's given for it? Well, total, it's the most in the world. It's 250,000.

$250,000. $250,000! But the grand grand champion or whatever gets 50. But yeah, it's broken up by different categories and things and whatever. Well holy shit! $50,000? Yeah! $50,000! Wow, that is an incredible amount of cash for cooking some pig. Do you know what I'm saying?

Wow, I'm saying? Wow, I'm in the wrong business. I am in the wrong fucking business. We need to get a smoker and go on the road. Yeah. I'm just... People do that. I mean, the people that do these competitions a lot, I mean, they travel around doing it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I had... There's a guy that was married to a stepsister of mine at one point, and he likened himself one of these pit master dudes.

The barbecue was always terrible, but we smiled and ate it. You humored him. Yeah, we humored him. But that's what he wanted to do. He wanted to take a bunch of the money that she had earned, because she was working and he wasn't, that she had earned to buy a trailer and a hitch and go around and he was gonna be the next, you know,

smasmic, phantasmic barbecue guy. And no one had the heart to tell him. It's kind of like American Idol. No one had the heart to tell him that you probably shouldn't do that. Luckily they divorced before he spent their money on some barbecue hitch in a wagon. I'll never forget, like, we all, it was Thanksgiving and my dad and my stepmom had slaved

over a turkey. And so we were all going to, oh, no, it wasn't, it was a turkey or was a ham? I can't remember. In any case, it was something. They had slaved over it. It was memorable is what it was. Yeah, it was memorable. They had slaved over it. It was memorable, is what it was. Yeah, it was memorable. They had slaved over it and they said to everybody, we're cooking, we got it, no problem. Everything's on the table, don't bring anything, bring yourselves, you know,

an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, of course, and that's how it goes, right? Some people cook, whatever, anyway. So before I got there, there was a big to do, a dust up, if you will, because this guy who likened himself to, you know, spasmic phantasmic, the next barbecue pit master, he brought an entire like barbecued pig or whatever it was, he brought it over after they had slaved to make Thanksgiving dinner. He brought it over thinking that everybody would like his better than they like their,

like some dish to douchey move of just you trying to steal the show, so to speak. Yeah, I thought it was rather, to me, it was rather rude. I thought to myself, that's not the right thing to do. If you want to bring your own barbecue, you should communicate that you want to bring your own barbecue. I mean, unless you have some kind of like food allergy or something like that, like I can't eat that food, so I'm bringing my own food. There's absolutely no reason to do that. And anyway, he brought it over and we didn't get ended up tasting it, but that was all to our, we all were excited about that because we didn't like his food anyway. It was just not all that good.

Hey, guess what I did this weekend? What did you do? I went to go see Tom Papa. Oh, our friend Tom. And I went to the zoo. Oh, you were down near me. And I went to the zoo. And, yeah, you weren't there.

And I did a daddy-daughter date where I got to see some reptiles and animals up close and touch them. It was a very interesting weekend for me. I mean, amongst a million other things that I was doing, that was one of the things that I got to do with my daughter. Those are some good highlights. I agree with you. I'll share them with you when we get back.

Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her, or me, or Chrissy, at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822.

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at youtube.com slash The Commercial Break. Best to you. And Astrid. Especially Astrid. Almost. You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details. I'm Emma Greed and I've spent the last 20 years building, running and investing in some incredible businesses. I've co-founded a multi-billion dollar unicorn and had my hand in several other companies that have generated hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars.

The more success I've had, the more people started coming to me with questions. How do you start a business? How do you raise money? How do I bounce back from failure? So it got me thinking, why not just ask the people I aspire to the most? How did they actually do what they do? I'm so incredibly lucky to know some of the smartest minds out there. And now I'm bringing their insights along with mine, unfiltered directly to you.

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So, excuse me. I don't know if something's coming up, like I'm getting something right in time for the TCB's endless day or what's going on here. No, I've been saying the same thing too. I think there's some kind of allergy. I don't know what it is, but I'm not feeling 100% in case you can't even hear it in my voice. I'm sure you can, but I'm not feeling 100%.

Stress will do that to you, by the way. Stress will wear you down. Yes, it will. Tom Papa invited us. Friday was Tom Papa. Just in case you don't know, TCB's Endless Day, which is on Saturday the 31st, sponsored by Five Hour Energy, much thanks to Five Hour Energy, because if they weren't involved,

we might've canceled it a long time ago. We might just not show up. We might have canceled it a long time ago. We might just not show up. But so we are recording the six celebrity interviews ahead of time so that we don't have trouble coordinating all of that on the day of. And then Chrissy and I will be doing six or seven hours worth of live recordings here inside of the studio and putting them out as soon as they're done. So that's like the minutiae of how this is all gonna go down.

But, so we recorded Tom Papa the other day in preparation for the endless day. And during that conversation, it came up that Tom was going to be in Atlanta and he generously offered to give us tickets. So Chrissy couldn't go because she was gonna be at Smoke Slam. But you know, it's just like when Ari did this to us, when Ari was like,

hey, I'll get you tickets, don't worry about it, just hit me up. And I was like directly texting with Ari, that made me a little bit nervous because you know when you have a friend and you're like, hey, can you get an extra ticket to the Pearl Jam show? That's one thing. But when you're texting Pearl Jam,

hey, can I have an extra ticket to your Pearl Jam show? That's a whole different thing altogether. It just feels like you're taking money out of their pocket first of all, and second of all, you're not Pearl Jam, hey, can I have an extra ticket to your Pearl Jam show? That's a whole different thing altogether. It just feels like you're taking money out of their pocket, first of all, and second of all, you're not sure where the line is. So for Aria, I was like, yeah, can I get 30 tickets? Can I get 30 tickets? Everybody and their mother wants to go. But he was very generous too.

Now luckily this time, I just decided, let's cut all the mustard. If Astrid can go with me, why don't I just ask Astrid to come with me? And it would just make it like a date night type of thing. I love that. Yeah. And so we reached out to Tom almost as soon as the interview was done. We reached out to his people.

And he and his people generously were like, yes, of course. You know, go to the box office and go get some tickets. So he also was at the Tabernacle, just like Ari. Tom's first time at the Tabernacle, big room. Seats like, I think 2000, you know, 1800, 2000, something like that. It's a big room to see comedy in. It's a big venue in general.

It's an old fucking church. I mean, it's a weird venue, beautiful, but it's a weird venue, and it's a weird space to hold comedy in. Martin Luther King spoke inside of the tabernacle at some point. Oh my gosh, someone's dying inside of my house. In case you didn't know, it's summer. So you'll be hearing my children. Kids are out. You'll be hearing my children for the next three months. Congratulations to you. You're the winner.

You'll be hearing my children for the next three months. Congratulations to you. You're the winner. So, Astrid and I, you know, we grabbed the, grabbed the babysitter head on down to the tabernacle. The crowd was interesting. The crowd, there were like children in the crowd. And I don't say like children, like, you know, six or seven year olds.

Let's say 13 to 18 year olds. There were children, looked like they were with their parents. And then there were lots of what I would say, older parents, it seemed like older couples that were in the crowd. So kind of, you know, Tom's not a spring chicken. I don't know how old he is, but he's older than I am. And, you know, he's got some experience. He's got some experience. He's been there. And it seems like a lot of people in the crowd had been there had been, had had some experience also. So this was a very interesting mix for a comedy crowd.

This is just interesting. We're trying to do an episode of the commercial break while my entire house says, no, no, you can't do an episode of the commercial break. Be quiet. What's that? What's that? Silence. what? We would not make good monks in this house.

No. So we show up at the venue, tickets are awaiting us, and we sat down to watch Tom. And Tom did something very smart, I think, for the crowd. And the reason why I point out the age of the crowd is not to like knock Tom's crowd. He almost sold out, I think, the Tabernacle, which is a great accomplishment. Yeah.

But the crowd was older, right? I'm not talking like 60s, 70s. I'm talking like 40s, 50s, clearly, right? What he did that was smart is that the ticket said Showtime 730, 731, the opening act comes on. The opening act knocks out 15 quick minutes. I forgot the name of the opening act. Knocks out 15 quick minutes and without missing a beat,

Tom is right on the stage directly after. So by 745, Tom is on stage making note that it's already late for most of the people in the crowd. That we should have started this at five if the traffic was okay, you know, next time I'll come to your house. Chrissy, I have to tell you, I'm not going to repeat his jokes, he's just too good at what he does. Tom Papa is a master of his craft. Yes, he is. And he had the crowd working,

he had the crowd worked up in a way that I have rarely seen. Chris Rock, Tom Papa. Two people who worked the crowd, and I don't mean like crowd work, yes, he did some of that crowd interaction. He used some people in the audience in his act. He asked them what they did, he asked them why they were there,

he asked them if they were married, and then he used that to bounce his, you could see his own material. He used those crowd interactions to further his one hour, right? So he playfully and beautifully intertwined this kind of back and forth with the audience and got us worked up into such a fucking tizzy that I was crying, like, ugly crying, laughing...

I love that. ...at Tom for like 15 minutes. He went on one string of jokes, one story, and I just was bawling. It was so fucking funny. He was talking about his wife and how women, women as they get older, they end up doing a bunch of good in society

while men just turn into one big testicle, like one big ugly testicle, and their ears still grow, and you get hair in the wrong places. I mean, he knocked it out of the fucking park. I've never heard so much laughter in my entire life. And I don't say this because he gave me free tickets. I would have been complimentary. It's his style too, you know?

It's the jugs and his me free tickets. I would have been complimentary. It's his style too, you know? It's the jokes and his style. Yes. I love it. His style is to, his style is almost commercial breakage. It's to cut away to something else and then come back to the thing. Now we don't always come back to the thing, but cut away, come back to the thing.

Move over here, come back to the thing. And he's pretty deadpan too. He actually, I think he was, he's deadpan when he's with us in a conversation, but he was much more animated than I expected him to be. If you get a chance to go see Tom Papa. Well, and his specials that are out, they're hilarious. Do it all. Do all the Tom Papa you can. Everybody needs a little more Tom Papa in his life. He jabbed at Musk and Trump, but he didn't take it, you know, he knew the crowd. He didn't take it too far. And at the end, he just basically said, don't be cruel.

Do whatever you want to believe, whatever you want to just don't be cruel. Right. And I thought that that was a beautiful sentiment to which everybody kind of rose in applause, right? That was a good one. Um, go do all the Tom Papa that you can. You must before you die on this earth Um, go do all the Tom Papa that you can. You must before you die on this earth, you must consume as much Tom Papa as possible.

He was really fucking good. He was great with us here. He's been great with us both times. We've spoken to him. He was fantastic. And then afterwards he took the time to sit and sign every person who wanted to, book, t-shirt, ticket stub, whatever it is that they brought. He went downstairs in the Tabernacle and he stood there and meet and greet and met and greeted everybody who wanted to, no surcharge, nothing.

I mean, you could buy, you know, merch if you wanted to, I suppose. But, um, no, I didn't because I didn't have time for all that. Plus, I just said hello to Tom. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, do I want to be the guy who takes up five minutes of Tom's time when there's plenty of people who've never said hello to him before and I have said- Yeah, absolutely. It was like this dance in my head.

As a matter of fact, I kind of darted in and out of the room for a second. Having a conversation with myself as Astrid was like, what do you want to do? What do you want to do? I mean, are you going to do it or are you not going to do it if you want to do it? And I'm like, should I do it? I guess I should go second. Is that kind of douchey move? Like, hey, thanks for the free, you know, hey, I just spent two hours, but now I got more, I need more of your time. I didn't know. And does he want to talk to me? Like, is he looking for Brian Green? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, is Tom Papa? Is Brian in the audience?

Yeah, is Brian in the audience? Well, that's the ultimate dream is that I was on this podcast, the commercial break. Here, let me pull it up on the big screen right now and we'll get everybody to follow. That's like the dream, right? But we're not there yet, or we may never be there. We'll probably never be there. But like, is Tom Papa, am I enriching Tom Papa's life in any way by going to say hello? No, why?

Because I just said hello to you last night. Like, I don't need to say hello to you. It's one of those things. Okay, fair point. So I bailed on the saying hello. And Tom, if you're listening, it's not because I don't need to say hello to you. You know, it's one of those things. Okay, fair point. So I bailed on the saying hello. And Tom, if you're listening, it's not because I don't love you, it's because really I'm neurotic

and I didn't know what the fuck to do. I felt like I was in this purgatory of go or don't go. Yeah, should I, should not? Yeah, in all circumstances, when I'm in that purgatory, I end up going, because that's the right thing. Because I'm too afraid to make the other choice. But that, one of the best nights of comedy I have ever enjoyed live was with Tom Papa.

And I've seen some really good comedy, as you can imagine. We do go see, we do see quite a bit of live comedy, have seen quite a bit of live comedy, and we certainly watch a lot of live comedy, given the nature of the commercial break. And Tom Papa is up there with Chris Rock, no doubt about it. But that makes sense,

because they're all kind of in the same circle, like, you know, Rock and Seinfeld and Tom Papa, they're all friends. I mean, they all do these things together. So anyway, Tom Papa, great. Go see him if you get a chance. I love it. If he's within a hundred miles of you,

you gotta make the effort to go. And the tickets, even though we got a pair of tickets, I was still willing to pay for them. They're only 31, 32, $33. It wasn't like- That's affordable. For Tom Papa, I felt like that was good. I mean, unless you wanna sit right in front

where you're clearly gonna get picked on by Tom, those felt like that was good. I mean, unless you want to sit right in front where you're clearly going to get picked on by Tom, those are like $150. You know, those people pay $150 for the privilege of being made fun of by Tom. You know what I'm saying? One poor couple just got it. Some people really like that. Some people, I think, relish in the opportunity

to be called out. They want that moment because they'll never have it. They don't have a commercial break. Like, you know, that's their moment. in the opportunity to be called out. They want that moment because they'll never have it. They don't have a commercial break. Like, you know, that's their moment. But it's a double-edged sword because there was one couple in the crowd and Tom was asking them what if they had dogs

to which they said, yes, we have three. What kind of dogs are there? Oh, well, we have a schnitzel doodle, you know? Oh, okay, a schnitzel doodle. Yeah, I have one of those small little shithead dogs, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Tom goes on a rant about his dogs. You know, oh, what is the other dog?

It's a shit fiend or something. We call him a shit fiend. It's a mix between a shih tzu and a fiendal doodle. And he's like, a shit fiend. And he looks at the guy and he goes, this is what the lady talking with the couple. And he goes, I bet you didn't walk around at the beginning of your life, like in your 20s, saying to yourself,

when I get older, what I really want is a shit fiend running around my house. And then he asked him what time they got up today. He asked one guy at the other side, what time did you get up today? I got up early, what time is early? Seven o'clock, you know, to which people were like, oh, that's, you know, that's kind of early, not early.

He's like, yeah, that's early, that's early, that's seven o'clock's early, you know, if you don't have kids, that's early. He goes back to the couple, what time did you two get up with your shit fiends? You know, 10 o'clock. And everyone was like, oh, that's not early, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He goes, you got up at 10 o'clock, what do you do? And she goes, we own businesses. He goes, oh, you own businesses. How many businesses do you own? Two. Oh, congratulations on the two businesses. So I guess you don't have to open the shop till noon? Yeah, you have to run them.

You don't have to open the shop till noon? And she goes, we pay other people to do that. That's what we pay other people for. And everybody in the crowd is like, oh. And Tom goes, I think some of them are here tonight. I just couldn't help myself. I was like, ugly laughing. I thought it was so funny.

They got their balls busted. He did a great job. Anyway, I loved Tom Papa. And then we went to the zoo. Oh my God. I mean, I can't even believe it. The one weekend that I'm away, well, not the one because I've been away. Yeah, you're away every weekend.

What are you talking about? But the weekend that I'm away, you come downtown where I am. You venture down two days in a row. We do. We did. What? We did. Well, technically it was the same day. But anyway,

they have this program through the library which now is being cut because of course it is. Yeah. Where you go there and you check out a certain amount of books you get access to a number of free tickets for things around town. The zoo, the aquarium, the science Museum, Six Flags, Whitewater. That's so nice. And if it's a, it's one single ticket that allows up to five, four, five people to go into whatever you're doing, but it has to be available and you have to be able to go physically get it off the shelf. And so as you can imagine, it's in high demand. They only have like one or two of these per thing, per place that you can go. We've done this a lot and Astrid is good

because you can check online and see if it's there, see if it's not there. We live like a block away from the library, so Astrid will like get in the car in her underwear and run down there. Yeah, yes. You know, so she did for the zoo, because they of course are cutting that program.

That's all I gotta say. They're cutting that program, which is a beautiful, wonderful program. And Six Flags Whitewater, okay, I get it, go pay for your own. But going to the zoo, it's like a cool thing to do with your children. Not everybody can afford it, including us. So we got the zoo thing. And that's why we decided to go down there is because we had it, it was available, we had some help. Gustavo was in town. So we get down to the zoo, but we only have two and a half hours because another one of my children is in school,

we need to pick him up. We only have two and a half hours, so it's a really quick run through the zoo, right? We're gonna hit this animal, hit that animal, and do this animal, and whatever. So one of my girls is like, what's that girl's name? Binky Erwin? Is? Binky Erwin?

Is it Binky Erwin? What's her name? Binky Erwin. Bindi Erwin? Is it Bindi? I think it's Bindi Erwin. Yeah, the Erwin kids. Yes, she's an Erwin kid.

She loves anything about animals. It doesn't matter what animal it is, she loves everything about animals. She loves looking at them, seeing them, watching them, anything. Okay. But the other kid is at the age where she's not entirely sure. She loves our dog and will ride it, try and ride it

around the house. But everything else could be scary or it could not be scary. It's that age. That's the age that they're at. They're forming their ideas and opinions about the world around them. And so we get to the zoo and I'm not sure what's gonna go on. And it starts off good because you start easy at the Atlanta Zoo. You go to flamingos. Flamingos. Yeah, it does. It starts off the flamingos.

It's a good zoo. It's a great zoo. It's a great zoo. Is it the best zoo? No. Is it the biggest zoo? Not by any stretch of the imagination, but it's well-kept and it's a nice zoo.

And they got a nice little mix of animals. You start off easy with the flamingos. Flamingos, nothing scary about that. They're flamingos.. You start off easy with the flamingos. Flamingos, nothing scary about that. They're flamingos. Well, we're there with the flamingos and you can feed them, right? And so we get the food and we throw it and you know, okay, everything's good.

You know, I like flamingo. And okay, great, you like flamingo, wonderful. Let's go, it's animal bite, animal bite me, bite me daddy, animal bite me. No, the animal's not gonna bite you. They're back behind the wall, don't worry about it. It's animal bite, animal bite me, bite me daddy, animal bite me. No, an animal's not gonna bite you. They're back behind the wall, don't worry about it. Next thing you see, black rhinoceroses,

black rhinoceroses, rhinoroses. The rhinos. The rhinos, the black rhinos, which are hunking, huge, stinky fucking animals. They're dinosaurs is what they are. They literally are dinosaurs. Yeah. And there's like forum standing out there doing whatever they're doing, eating food mainly. And my daughter who I'm holding in my arms is kind of like,

daddy bite, daddy bite, big daddy, big grande, daddy big grande. Yeah grande. Okay, listen, it's not gonna bite you. You see that thing right there? It's keeping them back and us out. Like it's not Like we're not going in, you're not going in, they're not coming out. Don't worry about it. Okay, so we turn the corner to go get a better look at the rhinos. Like another spot where you can get a look at the rhinos.

You can look down on them. They're in a mud pile. It's a very warm day and there's a big mud pile, big sloppy wet mud pile and they're rolling around. Yeah, yeah, it keeps them cool. Yeah, and cleans it keeps them cool. Yeah, and cleans them off and keeps the bugs away and whatever the fuck nature is doing, it's doing.

But man, is there a smell. I mean, of course, it's the zoo. You know the zoo smell. You know the zoo smell. Everyone's been to the zoo. You've smelled the zoo smell. Well, these rhinos, these two rhinos just twisting and turning in the mud. And it's fascinating because you never get to see this. And now I'm seeing it like five

feet in front of me. And I'm like, wow, those things are big. I can't believe they can do that. That's great. That's wonderful. And my daughter is finally like calming down to the idea that they're there, we're here, nothing's gonna happen at all. And she goes, daddy, water, grossies mud. And I'm like, yeah, they pour some water in there and they make mud for the rhinos. That's how they do it. They probably take a hose and they put it in there. My other daughter has many more words.

She's like, oh, they take a hose? And I'm like, yeah, they probably take a fire hose and splash it down every morning to get it. That's how they get that mud there. And the two rhinos stand up, they back their butts up to the fence, and they unload a literal fire hose of pee. And it goes on, not for seconds, for minutes. This pee is just flooding out of both of them at the same time.

They had to go. They had to go and they were going. Well, my daughter's screaming pee pee poo poo. The other daughter is like, I think that's how they make the mud, daddy. And now I'm thinking to myself, that is how they make the mud actually. That's pretty smart. This is how they make the mud. My daughter's like, grossy pee pee poo poo. And I'm like, ah, it's part of nature. And then one of them shits and I'm like, oh my God. This is not like the Walt Disney movies.

This is not all that slappy happy shit. This is disgusting. I mean, Chrissy, it was insane, the amount of pee and poop that was just flying out of these rhinoceroses. And my poor daughter, so I'm like, okay. Time to move on. Giddy up, let's go.

Let's move on to the next one, which are elephants and giraffes. And elephants and giraffes at the Atlanta Zoo are a special thing because they have what's called no barrier, what do you call them? Exhibits. No barrier exhibits. Which is a little bit misleading because there are barriers, but they're like a string, an electrified wire, like four of them from 15 feet high to all the way to the ground. Just four slinky little wires, but they're

electrified. So those elephants aren't going anywhere. And the giraffes, I don't think anybody's afraid of the giraffes. Like what are the giraffes going to do? You know what I'm saying? They don't want them to get out, but they can stick their head right down in and grab you with their tongue. Oh yeah, you can do the feeding.

You can do the feeding of the giraffes. I forgot about that. And we did do the feeding. You did? And I got some pictures and it went about exactly as how you would have expected. Let's talk about that when we get back. Why don't you text us and we can text back and then you can text us in reply. Then so on. It's a fun little game I've been playing and I think you'll be great at it. 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You could leave a message, too. If you do, maybe you'll end up being the voice of the

show. But be warned, the pay is not great. You could go to the website and drop us an email, also, tcbpodcast.com. And while you're there, you can get a free sticker. Who doesn't want a free sticker? Just go to the Contact Us button and ask for one. Follow us on Insta at The Commercial Break and watch the episodes at youtube.com slash The Commercial Break. Now I'm gonna go back to that texting game. You wanna play? Come on, bye.

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visit connexontario.ca, T's and Z's apply. So we turn the corner. We're back. So we turn the corner. Some guy wrote in and he was like, and by the way, do you remember Will the Champ? Of course. Will the Champ, long time listener, not sure that he listens anymore. I think he went through something and anyway, we wish Will the best.

I thought about Will the Champ actually this weekend at Smoke Slam because they had an eating contest. They had an eating contest and he was a professional eater. That's what he did. Some of you might remember him. He was a professional eater. He was a professional eater. something and anyway, we wish Will the best. I thought about Will the champ actually this weekend at Smoke Slam because they had an eating contest. They had an eating contest and he was a professional eater. That's what he did. Some of you might remember if you've been listening.

I mean, I don't think we've talked to Will since season three. Yeah, it's been a minute. So it's been almost two years, but he's a great guy, big fan of the show, wrote us a couple songs, helped us out with some stuff. He was a good guy and I believe I I'm not gonna get into it, whatever. Anyway, I think he went through something. I think he's okay, but I think he had to take a break. So, but anyway, Will the Champ,

what was I gonna say about Will the Champ? Oh, Will the Champ would say to us, why do you cut off the by at the end? He's like, I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Meanwhile, there's lots of people who have said, it's kind of a signature of the show. I don't know why I cut off the bye.

At the beginning, I think I did it on accident and then it just kind of stuck, right? But some people say when I'm coming back from break, it sounds like we're just picking up the conversation midway and I went back, I don't think so. But anyway, we're back, here we are. So I turn the corner and we go up to the elephants and the, I don't know what,

I guess we went at the right time of the day because all the animals are active, except for the lions, of course, they're never active. You never see the lions doing anything. The lions are always lazy assholes just sitting there. You can never get a good, and they're always like, you can see their tail like flapping. Yeah, you can like, you're always having to kind of

strain to see them. And there's 30 people straining to see the one tail that you can see. Don't go for the lions, that's basically what I'm saying. So we turn the corner, the elephants are active, they are walking around, looks like they had some food, you know, they're playing with their trunks, they are right up against the fence.

One of them is this big male, right? And he starts sticking his trunk in between the no barrier fence and sniffing my daughter. And he's staring at her. I can see he's staring at her. You can see at her. I can see he's staring at her. You can see sentient life in an elephant's eyeballs. It is communicating with you. It knows you're alive. It knows it's alive. It probably has opinions on politics and baseball. That thing is, it's unbelievable. Elephants are unbelievable creatures. They really are. And all you got to do is look in one of their eyes to understand that. Look them in the eye. And if you have the unbelievable experience

of having them look back at you in the eye, it's quite human. It's like, you feel like you're looking at another human being. But it's not looking at me because I'm an asshole and there's no saving me. It's all over for me. It's looking at my daughter and it's sniffing her.

Like it's taking its it's sniffing her. Like it's taking its trunk and sniffing her. And I'm like, oh my God, what a wonderful moment that my daughter is having. And she looks at me and you know what she says? Daddy, I need a knack. I need a knack. And I go, no, no, no, the elephant, the elephant.

And she goes, I don't care about elephant. I need a knack. I need a knack." And I go, no, no, no, the elephant, the elephant. And she goes, I don't care about elephant. I need a knack. These are the things that you realize when you're a parent. All these poignant moments that you see in movies and you read about and there's a funny Facebook story. It's all bullshit. It's all made up because kids ruin everything. They ruin every moment.

They just have a way of doing that They don't think like we do. They don't think it's poignant. They don't think it's interesting. She's Barely has hair on her head and can speak a full sentence Let alone understand that that elephant might be sentient if that had happened to me. I'd probably be crying at my age Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah for sure. Oh my God. So, okay, so it's snack time. Let's get a snack and then we roll them. We have this like wagon, we roll them up, the elephants. My older daughter is like, I want to feed the giraffe because it's giraffe feeding time, we just happen to get there at the right time. It's like four bucks and you get a couple pieces

of lettuce and you hand it to the giraffe who will stick its neck down and its incredibly long tongue and grab it from you. Yeah, those tongues are long. Yeah, they're very long. They're long and they're strong. How do I know this? It took a serious satellite radio out of my car one time. That's right. I know it.

So, but no hard feelings with the giraffes. I don't have anything against the giraffe community. I just want to go give my daughter a little special experience. And so I'm like, Astrid's like, well, why don't you go and you can go with the girls? And I'm like, let's not waste this one's not, you know, she's not gonna want to do this. I mean, you know, she doesn't understand. She doesn't even really want to be that close to, I go, do you want to feed the giraffe? Yes. Are you sure you want to feed the giraffe? Yes. You're not going to be scared?

No. You're okay with that thing coming right at your head? Yes. I'm like, okay, let's go. Up and at them. Everybody in. So we go. We pay for a couple of feedings.

My older daughter goes with Gustavo. It's a beautiful moment. She feeds the giraffe. By the way, the giraffe's head and tongue are shaking. The giraffe is just as nervous of us as we are of it. And I'm not really that nervous about a giraffe. It doesn't even have teeth. What's it going to do? You know what I'm saying? I mean, I guess it could bite you, but I guess it could if it wanted to do some damage with its tongue, but I'm

not that threatened by a giraffe. It just doesn't feel threatening to me. Yeah. But you can see its tongue is shaking. It's nervous, right? It's scared. So it grabs out of the older daughter's hand. Okay, I'm standing, I'm holding my younger daughter and I'm like, okay, you ready? We're gonna do this.

We're gonna hand that piece of lettuce up to that giraffe. Are you okay to do this? Yes. Are you sure? Yep. That's her new word, yep. She's like, yep. And I'm like, you're not scared.

Nope. And I'm like, okay, here we go. We walk up, the guy hands us the piece of lettuce. She puts it in her hand, she hands it to me. And I was like, no, you feed it to them. And she's like, no. And I was like, you don't want to feed the giraffe? And she's like, no.

And I go, is it okay if I feed the giraffe? No. And I'm like, well, now I got this piece of lettuce in my hand, I gotta feed the giraffe. So I walk up to the giraffe to give it the piece of lettuce, daughter in my other arm, and here's my daughter. The giraffe's tongue is going like this because now she's making this noise

and the giraffe doesn't know what to make of it. Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of the two of them with a piece of lettuce here and the giraffe like raps its tongue around my hand and it's like, ah! And then the guy goes, you want to try again? And I'm like, I don't think, you know, I don't think so. And my daughter grabs the piece of lettuce out of his hand and I'm like, you want to feed him? Yep. And I'm like, okay, feed him. Nope. He hands it to me. And I'm like, what are you doing? What are we doing here? Meanwhile, Astrid's yelling, take a picture. Take a picture. Turn, turn so I can take a picture. And I'm like, take a picture. I'm just trying to get my arm not pulled off by a giraffe. I'm in

the middle of a fight between the daughter and, you know, Gerard the giraffe here. I don't know what to do. What do you want me to do? It's my daughter. I hand the giraffe the food and then you can have a moment where you can just kind of line up next to the giraffe and take a picture. Well, we sure did get a picture. We got a picture of one of my daughters going, ah! Seraphine. Yeah, that's why the rest of us have a shit-eating grin on our face. Never do the extras. The extras are always never worth it. It's never worth it.

Just look at the giraffe from afar and, I mean, listen, is it a moment? Yeah, it's a moment. Is it like, are you communicating or connecting with the giraffe? Not really. You handed a piece of lettuce. It grabs it with its incredibly long tongue

and then that's it. You take a picture with, you know, I don't know what the giraffe's name was, Bob. I'm not sure, I don't know. But the giraffe's shirt, they sure are fucking cute. They are. I love the giraffes. We saw the gorillas. We went and saw the reptilians.

The gorillas were having fun. They had a little baby gorilla. That's good that they were out, because sometimes they're not out. They were kind of hiding in and out of like the shady places, but they had a baby gorilla. That's good that they were out, because sometimes they're not out. They were kind of hiding in and out of the shady places, but they had a baby gorilla. And the baby gorilla was begging the mom, tugging on the mom, and the mom was kind of pushing it away,

like, I don't want this. And to the point where eventually the male gorilla started walking over, I think he wanted to get involved and lay down some discipline. And that baby gorilla ran as fast as it could and went and hid behind a tree. And it was like, oh, here comes dad. Gustavo was doing the whole thing,

like having the whole conversation, like doing voices. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. He's like, mommy, I want your tit. I'm hungry. And the papa was like, no, those are my tits. And then the very next day, there

was a little play place here in Atlanta that had this guy, Dr. Do-Little? Yeah, Dr. Do-Little, basically. Exactly. Dr. Do-Little, who has a house full of animals, brings those animals for parties. He used to be a zoologist here in Atlanta, like at the zoo, and he brings those animals around for parties and shows and stuff, and then you can pet them and, you know,

he'd hang out with them. He brought an array of animals, like I've never seen. These all live at his house. A turtle that's probably getting close to a hundred years old, like a huge turtle. A bearded dragon, a stick insect, like one that's that long that looks like a stick that was like crawling up his arm.

Some of them you could touch, some of them you couldn't. Madagascar hissing cockroaches he brought. And I overcame a fear and I touched the hissing cockroach. By the way, the Madagascar hissing cockroach has, is the cock, there are 4,500 different types of cockroaches. It's one that is the cleanest type of cockroach, by the way. The dirtiest are the palmetto bugs that we get. The most amount of germs, most amount of disease. Gross. Fucking gross. Okay. So it's me and my older daughter, one of my older daughters,

and we're there and she's petting all the animals. She just loves it. Same daughter who was in love with the animals, petting all the animals. She loves it. She were having so much fun. Daddy daughter. And then he brings out the coup de gras. A hedgehog. A fucking hedgehog this guy had. A baby hedgehog. Three years old, two, three years old, something like that. This thing was the cutest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Feels exactly like you would think it would. It's not exactly, you know, you don't wanna cuddle with it at night. But it is the cutest fucking thing. And this thing was like Mr. Personality. It was like doing a show for everybody. It's like doing a little dance and you could pet him and he's like.

And I thought this is the best thing ever. This guy, it's a house of horrors over there because he's breeding Madagascar roaches and stick figures and all kinds of different shit. But you know, hey, listen, he's doing something cool for the rest of us. He's letting us get close to these animals. Yeah, and it sounds like he loves it.

Yes, he had a snake, he had a dragon, like an iguana dragon, not one of the dangerous kind, but that dragon, this thing was like, I don't know, three and a half feet long. It was big. He had frogs, he had toads, he had all kinds of shit and he would take it out and if you could pet it, if it wasn't dangerous, then he'd let you pet it. It was awesome.

And I'm like, this is great. We have a great day. We go in the play place, we play for a little while. As we're leaving, I see this guy is packing up. He is packing up in a 1998 Ford Explorer that has not one window on it. Not one window. Every single window in the Ford Explorer is busted out.

Every one of them, including the windshield. It's like, yes, there's no paint on it. It's like, it's got no paint on it. It's like scrap paint. That's what I thought. I thought if I'm Convincing my wife to allow me to keep thousands of animals inside of our house I'm probably also not gonna be also getting a convertible BMW. Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, she's saying you find the shittiest fucking car you can and you put that you put that car on blast because that's the only Car you're ever gonna be allowed to have then you know What fair enough fair enough fair enough on that? It's a good weekend here at the greenhouse All kinds of animals and new experiences The whole shebang Comedy thrown in there Tom popper. He was so good. Chris. I just can't I can't give him enough praise. I mean He's a good one.

I mean, I know I tend to overlaud our guests, but I got to say this was like genuinely one of my favorite comedy shows. I wish I could do it all over again. I wish I could have the same experience again. This one I'll remember for a long time. And I'll mainly remember because I was like crying and Astrid was looking over at me like I was a child.

She was like, are you OK? I'm like, this is funny. She found it also to be very funny but I think sometimes stuff gets lost in translation culturally so I don't think she a hundred percent understood every single thing. Plus there are times when Tom can talk real fast and so I think it just kind of some of the stuff flew by her. But you know what? Go see Tom Papa.

Go see Tom Papa. All right. TCB's Endless Day, sponsored by Five Hour Energy. Our good partners at Five Hour Energy is going to be on May 31, starting at 10 a.m. in the morning. Set your alarms, kids. Set your alarms, mark it on the calendar, clear the schedule. Chrissy and I are gonna be here

for at least 12 hours that day, pumping out brand new content, celebrating five years of the commercial break, over 750 episodes, 30 downloads. We've done it all, kids. What else can we check off the list? I don't know. You tell me. I guess 12 episodes in one day. That's what we can do.

Tom Papa, Tig Notaro, Reggie Watts, and others joining us. Ricky Linholm. So many others will be joining us on that day. You can call in if you want to. You want to talk to us? We'll need the help. We'll need content. So call in 212-433-3TCB-212-433-3822. Text us, tell us you want to be a part of the show and we'll communicate back how and when you can do that. When we'll be recording, when you can call in. It'll be a great day. We'll all join in the fun. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. For every single episode, the same day they air here on the audio feed. Also,

TCB Podcast, all the comings and goings, more about the endless day, and your free sticker. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now. I think so. I'll say that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say.

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