The Commercial Break - Heart To Hell!

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

Let's break the internet! Bryan's gonna wash his legs & then TCB is going to host Netflix is a Joke from behind a curtain! Bryan! Krissy! Wash your legs! Don't fear the butt hole Pumice stone We don't want the crowd to turn on us Netflix is a joke Get TCB to host Netflix is a Joke 2025 Don't give Bryan a master mute button The Roast of Tom Brady Strip mall jack shacks Bryan launches accusations Show research Bryan KNOWS sports!!!!! Heart in Charlotte They’re going straight to hell LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us   212.433.3TCB text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Producer: Christina A.  Producer: Gustavo B.  Download & Listen on the Audacy app To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Bet MGM operates pursuant to any operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Our anus is a useful thing indeed. The anus gives relief in time of need. We all have an anus, so no matter what you've heard, remember that anus is the proper word. On this episode of the Commercial Break. Last time I checked, heart is not on every turn of my Instagram Reel. Do you know what I'm saying? Right. It's Taylor fucking Swift. It's Ariana Grande. It's Olivia Rodrigo. It's, you know, it's Bad Bunny. It ain't not heart. Because the average age of a heart listener is 97.

I mean, I don't think there's any fear that the heart listeners are going to stand up and cause destruction in this world. That's wild. They've got knee problems. They can't even run fast. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, boy! Aw yeah, guys are getting welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the traveling Wilbur of the show,

Kristin Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Let us delay no longer. Let us waste no time. Let us get right into it because I have big news. Big news on the podcast front.

Breaking news. Big news for Brian. Breaking news. You heard it here last. I was right. This is like the third time in the show's history I'm able to say that I was right about something, anything. Really quite frankly.

So I'm very proud of myself. That even though I did no research beforehand and had no statistical facts to back it up, now I do. I'm going retroactively right. What is this piece of truth that you shouted from the mountains? A year ago, I said something that absolutely destroyed the internet.

And I mean, got us two comments on Instagram. That I admitted that of my two showers a day, possibly three, depending on how much activity I do. I shower for no reason. I shower for no reason. I'm literally peeling my skin off one layer at a time in an ultra hot shower for 45 to 50 minutes a day. I admitted that I didn't know if I always washed my legs. Oh, right. Right. And so many people wrote in and said, you're fucking disgusting.

Well, a couple of people did back me up. They're like, really though, water rolls down. It does. It does. No, I'm not an everyday, I'm not an everyday. You're not an everyday leg washer? No. I'm not an everyday leg washer either. And I was right about this, that I said,

I think the water just rolls down. Like, do I have to pay extra attention to my legs? Well, especially like the shin past the knee. Yeah, no, I can't. You know, like I can go thigh. Yeah, I do balls, I do scrundle. Exactly, you're in there. Yeah, I'm in there, I'm digging deep, trust me.

In between the thighs, so might as well get the thigh. Yes. But past the knee. What's the point? Who's going down there? Who's smelling my shin? I don't know, but I don't think there's a shin fetish. I'm sure there is, but I don't subscribe to it. And I want you to know that I just read an article in the, I forget where it was, Huffington Post or something, that a doctor says,

you don't need to wash, take extra care on your legs because the soap running down your legs and the abrasiveness of the water will do the job. Exactly. So I'm just taking to take this all the way and say, why even bother? Just put shampoo on my head and let it roll on down. You know, when you have small children, and you'll know this when you have small kids,

when you have small kids, you gotta teach them everything. Those fuckers don't come out with a manual in their head. You know what I'm saying? No, that's true. They don't come pre-loaded with software. The latest version? Yes, you don't get the wheel of death when they come out, you know, loading, buffering.

So, you have to teach them everything, and that's including how to bathe. You got to explain to them why it's important. And one of my kids, I'm having a little bit of a, I'd say a moment with him as we're trying to get through the bathing stage, like, okay, take a shower on your own, wash this, wash that. And I mean, if I told him, I said, you got to get in your butt so deep, your butt, you might as well just bend over, open your cheeks and put a scrub brush in there, because that's how deep you got to get in your butt. That butt hole needs to be clean. It does.

Your butt, your balls, your armpits, behind your ears and your hair. You always got to take care of those areas because they will get, it will get out of control. Trust me, a guy who knows. A guy who wore the same Doc Martens for five years in a row, I know, I know what unbathed smells like and what could do for you. And so I'm teaching them, I'm like, you got to get in that butt crack, don't be afraid, get those fingers up there. I mean, if you have to stick a finger in your hole, stick a finger in your hole.

Gotta do it, gotta do it. Make sure there's no extra booty juice down there. No one wants to smell booty juice. And you know, you don't want to leave a smell when you get out of the car on someone's upholstery, okay? All right? When you go to a hotel, you don't want to leave a stain on the bed after you sit down. That's just a fact. Everybody should know this. But there aren't, you know, I think there are some people who don't know this, but okay, we'll get past that part. So, I am saying, I clean every part of my body like a true champ. If I want at any given time, if I was to get into a terrible car, like butthole

related accident, I want those emergency workers, like if I got into a car accident and one of the springs in my seat got stuck in my ass, I want the emergency workers to go, this is bad, we've never seen anything like this, but man, does it smell good down there. What is he using? He smells fresh as a daisy down there. You know, if I could, I would take a shower every time I pooped. If I could, I would take a shower 100% of the time after I pooped. And as it stands, it's about 90% of the time. You got to clean, clean, clean those areas, but the legs- That's why I love a bidet.

I don't know why they're not more of a thing here. Well, I think they're becoming a thing here. I know some friends who have installed those, like, I don't know what you call them, like add-on bidet, I guess. I thought about that, but then it seemed complicated and I figured it would just mess up. Yeah, it's gonna mess up. You need the separate bidet.

Yeah, what I'm afraid of is like, it goes rogue or something. Right. You lift off the chair. You know what I'm saying? Water spraying everywhere. Yeah, you know those old cartoons where, like they would hit the fire hydrant

and then they would just go flying up in the air, like up and down, like Scooby Doo or whatever. I'm afraid of that. I'm nervous about that. I don't want any butthole related accidents if I can avoid them. But if I happen to have one, I want to smell good. I don't want any butthole-related accidents if I can avoid them, but if I happen to have one, I want to smell good. And I guess if you get into a bidet accident, you're probably gonna have a fresh tookus, right?

That's right. A tookus amok! So I'm telling you, you don't have to wash the lower extremities according to these doctors, and who these doctors are, I don't know if they have any specialty in leg-related bathing. Yeah. But I'm telling you right now, I don't think it's necessary to wash your legs every time. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say once every week, if you're like an everyday shower kind of person, which you should be, absolutely, but if you're an everyday shower kind of person, I would say once a week, give it a good scrubbing, you know, just kind of go up and down,

and then leave it alone. You don't need to wash your legs, guys. I'm telling you, behind your knees, you know, if you're an extra sweaty person behind your knees, but just leave the rest alone. And now you know what I'm getting into? What is that? A pumice? You know what a pumice is? Oh yeah, the pumice stone. Hey, I didn't even know what a pumice stone was until I met my lovely wife, who came with a pumice. I got married to her, and one of the things she brought into the marriage was a pumice stone was until I met my lovely wife who came with a pumice. Like, I got married to her and one of the things she brought into the marriage was a pumice or a pomice or a pom-ass or whatever the fuck you call it. And so now I'm pumicing my feet. Yeah, yeah, that works.

Ah, so I know this sounds a little effeminate, but I don't give a shit. You should go and have a pedicure every once in a while. Absolutely, Jeff gets some, yeah, we go mani-pedis together. I don't do the mani, but I do the pedi. I don't love my feet. I don't love feet in general. It's not my thing. But after I got over that and I found a person that I really liked that does it well, I just

go for the massage, quite frankly. That's what Jeff loves to do. I don't care. He gets the extra massage. Cut my nails, then go for the massage. That warm soapy lotion that they put on. This is just lovely. And there's a particular woman who I just love. I love her.

I always give her a great tip because I'm like, God, I talk into a microphone for a living. Imagine if this microphone was a foot and it was just in your face all the time. I thought about that too. But you had no control over what foot it was. You can imagine the kind of insane drama that comes in there. Dangling toenails, you know, I don't know what you call it, crotch rot.

What is that? Gout. Whatever you got down there and everybody wants to stick their foot in your face and tell you about their problems. So I go in there and the first time she's using this pumice and man does it fucking hurt. And she's like, you gotta do this. You gotta keep up with it. A couple times a week at least. So now I'm doing it every day. But I-

I love your extreme. I do, fuck it. I'm in, I'm in 100%. Let me give you- Twice a day sometimes. Twice a day, three times a day sometimes. No, I only pumice at night because I don't wanna like tear my skin up. But so then I go for a pedi, I don't know, it was like a month times a day sometimes. No, I only pumice at night because I don't want to like tear my skin up. But then I go for a petty, I don't know, it was like a month and a half ago.

And it had been like six months since I'd been. I like to go maybe once a month, maybe once every other month. So I go, same lady, and she looks at my feet, and it was as if I had cheated on her. She was like, what happened to your feet? And I said, what do you mean what happened to my feet? And she goes, they're so smooth. You don't have any of this extra dead skin just growing into a big monster on the back of your heel.

And I'm a flip-flop guy, so you get like, it gets extra nasty back there. And I said, I'm using a pumice. My wife brought it in here. And she looked so disappointed. She was like, this is why you haven't been in. You don't have any problems I need to take care of. You know, one time they took a cheese grater to my feet?

A fucking cheese grater to my foot. Yeah, those things, I know. I used to like getting that, but then it's not really good for your feet, apparently. Well, I think I needed it. I think there was an emergency situation. They had to get in there. Yeah, I was there one day.

This is like, I don't know, the second, third petty that I get, I was there one day. And then she goes, I'll be right back. And then there was like a convention of, you know. Nicole Soule- Let me go get the special tools. Jared Slauson Yes. There was a convention of older Filipino ladies back there and they were all like talking and they were looking at me and I was like, oh, and she comes back out with a fucking cheese grater. And I was like, what's that for? And

she's like, it's just a big problem in the back of your feet. And I was like, oh no. Meanwhile, I thought my feet were fine. And then she's like, literally like tearing off pieces of skin, as if it was Parmesan cheese. You know, the waiters come by and they're like, just stop and say when you're done. It was never done. I got a 60-minute foot, I got a 60-minute foot, you know, procedure, and 45 of it was spent with a cheese grater on my foot. So anyway, don't worry about your legs, guys. It's all taken care of. We've heard from the doctors, who those doctors are, I don't know, I don't care. But those doctors have agreed with me that you do not need to wash your

legs every single time you're in the shower because the soap running down your body is, quite frankly, enough. It's just enough. Case closed. Case closed. I'm so happy to be right. I was so excited when I saw this, Chrissy. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you so excited when I saw this, Christy. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you, but I figured, hey, she's probably busy. She's not gonna be excited.

So I send the article to my wife as if she's going to be excited about anything that I do. Right. Anything that I do. My wife just desperately tried to get away from me at all times. Hey, before break, I wanted to mention this. We put a shout out to ask if people would come to the Florida shows and people have responded. And quite a few people actually have said that

they will come to the Florida shows. They live in Florida, they'll come to the Florida shows. So thank you to all those who have responded. Now I got a question for you. I know somebody that's going to come to. To the Florida shows? Oh, fantastic. He works with Jeff and he lives in Florida. Oh, he does? Mm hmm. He said he'd go. Yeah, I think that's kind of a, I have to go because it's my friend's wife. I gotta go support.

I think that's what it is. Let's not pretend that we're important. I don't want you to get ahead. No, he's a lot of fun. He's a great guy. Yeah, I'm sure he is. He's like, you're like, oh my God, I think we're gonna do a show down in Florida. And he's like, oh, that's great. And in his head, he's calculating. He's like, do I like Jeff enough? Are Jeff and I close enough to have to attend this event? And he said yes in his brain. He's like, oh, that's great. You know, if I'm available on that day, I would love to come support you. Yeah, if I'm in town, which I'm not going to be, what day is it?

I'm not going to be. So anyway, people have said yes, they're going to come. And so we're thinking about doing a show in Charlotte, maybe one in Nashville, and then possibly here in Atlanta. So any three of those cities. So basically, if you're in any of the southeastern states, let us know. I don't want to travel too far. That's the thing. I think we should go to New York, but then I'm like, yeah, New York's a different animal. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure Tampa is going to be green. I love New York, but I don't know about playing a show in New York. No, they're just going to eat us alive. Exactly. That's it. They're going to show up to some unsuspecting club looking to see actual comedy and they're going to end up with us to yuckles and yackles over here, hand-bun and holey in the morning. And they're going to want

their money back. That's like my fear. I swear to God it is. I go out of town for the weekend for Mother's Day and I'm in Charlotte, right? And so I'm like, oh, this is a beautiful city. And this is one of the places, you know, we had bantered about maybe going and doing a show. So I'm there and it's just a lovely city and everyone's so lovely. But then at night, watching my show on my phone pillow, and I get this like mini panic attack that what's actually going to happen is unsuspecting people are going to buy tickets to the show and then ask for a refund. Or we're gonna get the entire crowd is just gonna be against us.

There's gonna be one heckler. But you know how sometimes people heckle and the crowd is like, hey, shut the fuck up, man. I paid to come see this guy. But then there are crowds that just turn all together on people. And I have seen it.

And then when it happens, it's ugly. And so I'm just respectfully requesting. Thanks for putting that idea even in my head. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It was not in my head. Well, listen, I can't be the only one to have panic attacks about this. I need to share the fear.

I can't be the only one. I need you to panic as well. I'm not panicking. I'm not gonna be the only one panicking here. You gotta panic too. Cause I figure if we're both panicking, then at least if I'm not on stage doing well, you'll be with me not doing well

too. I don't want to be the only one who does bad. I don't want a video out there on the internet where you're like, you know, cracking jokes and everyone's laughing and I'm stumbling over my words. You know what I'm saying? I think I'm going to wear sunglasses and act like no one's there. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, sunglasses for sure. I'm thinking about wearing a wig, sunglasses and a hat. I'm thinking about doing the show from behind the curtain. Exactly.

And we'll just put a TV up and just have our logo like we used to in the studio. I think that's the way to do it. That is the way to do it. A lot of things are on trend right now and seems like strange is on trend. I don't know if you're paying attention to that Netflix is a jokes festival that's going on forever.

I wanna talk about this, but I'll tell you what, what's on trend is being a little strange. So I think if we go in there weird, we can come out of it smelling fresh. And so I think behind the curtain, and then maybe they can shine a light down in the curtain so you can see our shadows. But what we're looking at is...

It'll just be two shadows. Yeah, it'll just be two shadows on a couch. It's gonna be awesome. You're gonna love it. We'll also disguise our voices. Well, listen, most people don't know us from anything except for the podcast, because if our YouTube is any indication,

no one's ever seen what we look like. So there you go. Shine a light and it'll be like a shadow concert. You're gonna love it. A shadow show. A shadow show. TCB at the shadow show. What's that?

We don't see them. It's just their shadows. I love it. Oh my God. I love it. Chrissy, this is an idea whose time has come. You know, you got to be a little strange if you want to stand out. That's all I got to say.

That is true. All right. Want to thank this week's guest, Mo Gilligan, for coming on the show. He was wonderful. We loved him. Of course, he's blowing up too, everyone. We might get the timing right on this one, but Mo is lovely. Go to his website, follow him on all the social channels.

And I know his US tour is over, but he will be back according to him. Yeah, he said he was coming back. Yeah, coming to him, according to him, coming back late this year, early next year. So yeah, get ahead of the game. Maybe we can get him into the shadow with us on the show. Listen, I'm desperately trying to find someone

who will agree to come out with us, who has some bit of experience. Except that can carry the show. Listen, I'm desperately trying to find someone who will agree to come out with us, who has some bit of experience. Except that can carry the show. Yeah, basically, I'm wondering if Kyle Canane will just do a TCB and Kyle Canane, because I'd really like to just go Kyle Canane and TCB behind him in a shadow box. Yeah. Muted microphones.

We're just giving people, by the way, food to just destroy us when we get on there. Anyway, North Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, Florida, if you're in any of those states and you'd like to go to the show, please let us know. That way we, Chrissy and I can count how many people will be with us in the audience and how many will be against us. We'll be back. Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath, and now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number.

That's right, it's 212-433-3TCB. And you can text us anytime you want. Or you can call and leave us a voicemailail and we might just use your message on the show. Once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com. Now I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G and here they are. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I'm going to share that I've been going through a difficult time lately with one of my family members. No trauma, no huge drama, just a difficult situation that I'm trying to navigate. It's times like these when I'm grateful I've got a therapist

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It's time for big time hockey action with BetMGM, your place for all things hockey. Log in or sign up today. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. Must be 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. Gambling problem? Call Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to talk to an advisor free of charge. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. I mean, have you been paying attention to the Netflix as a joke?

I've caught some of it, yes. Holy shit. I love Netflix. I've loved it for a long time. Everybody loves Netflix, right? It's gotten more expensive, and yet we have things to complain about, and now there's an ad version and all that,

but they're just trying to survive as a company, quite frankly, I think that's what's going on. They've gotta eventually make money. It's like Amazon. Amazon lost money forever and ever and ever. They didn't become profitable, I think, until the pandemic, like, like actually profitable until the pandemic started. But look at what a great service that now Amazon offers everybody. Netflix is very similar. They were the first to do it. They disrupted the entire marketplace. Now there are

no blockbusters. Part of me is sad about Blockbuster going, and part of me goes, why the fuck were we driving up to a small box and looking through thousands of movies that they never had anyway to then rent them for $19.99 when I just pay $5.99 or $8.99, whatever it is a month. Netflix, I can say this, has stood behind comedy and stood behind comedians even when they are out of favor for some reason, I don't wanna go through all the names, but you can kind of pick up on what I'm saying. But this Netflix is a joke festival is no joke.

They have really put together quite an amazing festival. Yeah, LA, right? LA, I think it's a lot of different places actually. I think most of it is in LA. I think it's like kind of ground zero for this, but it's a lot of different places actually. I think most of it is in LA. I think it's like kind of ground zero for this. But it's a lot of different venues because didn't Leslie Liao was gonna play Philadelphia Netflix as a joke or something like that?

Yeah, I think so. I don't know, but seems like a quarter of those comedians have been on our show, though Netflix is a joke. They've all, I'm not saying all, but a lot of them have come through here. And I just think it's great that Ted Sarandos and Netflix are supporting comedy in the way that they are.

And what a fucking lineup. It's like... They went all out. They did. Have you been watching this John Mulaney show that's on, the live one? Have you watched it? What a weird fucking hybrid of comedy and improv and late night talk show that he put together, quite frankly, when the commercials started coming out,

I'm like, this is gonna be a turd of a show. But I was 1000% wrong. It is fucking hilarious. Okay, I need to check it out. Yeah, you do, you really do. It's on live every night, right? Just for a week. It was like on live for a week.

Oh, okay, on Netflix? On Netflix, live. I think they're trying to turn the Netflix into a bit of a live platform where they do live shows because now they're going to have Mike Tyson and that Dingleberry fight live on Netflix, you know? So I think they're trying to up their live game a little bit. And, you know, if, do you remember when they had that reunion, the Love is Blind reunion and and the entire app crashed? They couldn't get it.

You were watching that. I didn't watch that one. They couldn't get online. Yeah, that was a big deal. I think they've upped their game since then. I think that was like a practice run, and I think they're doing really well. But Netflix is a joke, is really, quite frankly,

I commend Netflix. I love that they're supporting comedy in this way. I love that they're not just supporting the big comedians. Like one show they had Jerry Seinfeld and, you know, Sebastian Maniscalo and I forget who else was it, Jim Gaffigan and who was the other one? I can't remember. But everybody who is anybody in comedy has been on this Netflix is a joke festival in some way, shape or form.

And I just, I think it's great. I love comedy. I love comedians. I think it's great. I love comedy. I love comedians. I think it can be a noble profession. You're making people laugh when maybe they don't feel so hot or things are kind of stressful. And I don't know if you've noticed, but 2024 is kind of a shit show and it's not going to get better, kids. I think they should have done Netflix as a joke in November. Like, you know what I'm saying? Nicole Soule-Northam To end out the year. Jared Suellenthal To end out whatever, to end out democracy or whatever we're going to do,

whatever is going to happen. You know what I'm saying? I think they should have done it then. But I am happy for all of the comedians who we've had on this show who are getting their moment in the sunshine. Absolutely. And I'm also happy that Netflix has decided to go all in big time on comedy. So I'm going to make a prediction here on this show. 2025, Netflix is a joke, hosted by the commercial break. Oh, okay. Yeah. And so-

We'll put it on the vision board. This is what I need the audience to do. I don't know why I say audience. This is what I need you to do, that single member, that single listener that's not attached to my family. This is what I need you to do. I need you to write Ted Sarandos and I need you to do, that single member, that single listener that's not attached to my family. This is what I need you to do. I need you to write Ted Sarandos and I need you to tell him, let him know that the commercial break is not only ready, we are willing and able to be the grand MC for Netflix is a Joke 2025. Because I think, you think about this, you and I behind a big white sheet, let's say

Hollywood Bowl, right? The Hollywood Bowl, big spotlight behind a white sheet, and you and I sit back there, nervously, probably drunkenly, introduce, you know, Jerry Seinfeld, whoever's going to be there, Jerry Seinfeld, you know, Bert Kreisch, whoever's coming out there, Nikki Glaser, whoever it is, we just announce them, and then we break down their comedy act while it's going on. Just like we do with videos, we break it down while it's going on from behind the curtain

where we laugh and make fun of the people who are trying to make other people laugh and make fun of people. What do you think about this? Yeah, I like that, except they would need to pause. I don't know if we could be doing our well our show while they're doing their show at the same time You see how you turned your microphone off there. That's what we do. That's what we do. I just have a mute button I have a master mute button and then I just mute people while they go out there and then we can talk shit about what they're saying

Yeah, that's that Chrissy This will make us heroes. You might be onto something I this will make us heroes. You might be onto something. I, who's going to be funnier? The people out front or the people behind the curtain with the magic mute button talking shit about the, what crowd wouldn't be into this? You get double the comedy.

You get the first joke and then you get the joke that we tell after that about the joke that they told. It is, it's like we would be in the third level of inception. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. And I love this idea and I think it's an idea whose time has come. And I just need you to write Ted Sarandos. That's ted at netflix.com. What if his email was really ted at netflix.com? It might be.

It might be. Don't write it. Don't write it. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. We're afraid to do 50 people in Orlando. We're not gonna go to the Hollywood Bowl. So here's why I want to talk about it. We can dream. We can. Did you see the roast of Tom Brady? Here's really why I'm getting to the point. Oh, okay, I did not.

I did not, I've been traveling. Eww. And I did not, but I read some things about it. What do you think about roasts in general? I think for the right person, it's okay. What do you mean by that? Well, I'm trying to think of some of the other, what was it, Comedy Central?

Yeah, they roasted everybody. Donald Trump, Pamela Anderson. I mean, they did it, did it, did it, did it, did it. They did it with everybody. Yeah, and I saw some of those and they could be pretty funny. I thought that the funniest one was David Hasselhoff was really funny. The Donald Trump one was good too.

But yeah, I agree. I think they're definitely funny. But I will say this, I do think sometimes it gets a bit mean-spirited. Yeah. Yeah. And I worry about the, like, I don't care who you are. Comedians can take it on the chin.

And this is what I've always said, if I can give it, I have to be able to take it. I am a sensitive little baby and I often cry at comments on the internet. But at the end of the day, I know that if I'm throwing darts, I have to be able to have darts thrown. I have to be the dartboard also. But Tom Brady is not a comedian, right? And either is Robert Kraft or Kim Kardashian. I'm not defending them. But, you know, they went hard at Kim Kardashian. Did you hear some of those jokes? Yeah, I did. Well, no, I didn't see the joke, but I read that, yeah. They went hard after Kim Kardashian.

And listen, I am no fan of Kim Kardashian at all. I think she's famous for doing nothing. She's famous for being famous. And I'm not here to argue how she got famous or her money. Great, congratulations for her and her family and her mom who orchestrated all of this. But at the end of the day, like, people are people and they're human beings. And those, some of those jokes came out of, really came out of the left field at Kim Kardashian, you know, her beef curtains and all this. I don't want to repeat all of it, but because I don't remember

all of it. But anyway, I wonder how Kim feels after she gets out of that roast. I'm a little confused on why she was part of it. I thought it used to be the actual comedians did the roasting, but it can just be anybody? It can just be anybody. Okay. Yeah. And so she got up there. I'll tell you what, Jeff Ross, who's like the king of these roasts, he was really fucking funny.

But it was that guy Tony Hale from Kill Tony, you know what I'm talking about? He went after everybody and he went hard. And I think it was him who made the joke about Kim Kardashian, specifically about the beef cartons. I can't remember. But I'm not defending Kim or busting on anybody who made jokes about Kim. I'm honestly curious. I wonder how Kim Kardashian feels After she kind of walks into that room and gets busted up like that. What do you think? I? Mean she's got to have thick skin right? Yeah, I think so. I think you've got to have thick skin and She's you know in the end she can just

Post another selfie. Yeah, and she can just pay to wipe her brain with his new Nero link. Exactly, yeah. She can just pay him part. In sum, in total, the roast was really fucking funny. It really was. There was a few parts where I was just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, you know?

Well, I saw that Giselle was kind of upset by, I guess, some of the things that were said. I don't know if that was to do with the family. It's to do with the kids. The kids, yeah. Yeah, they went hard at, not hard, but they went at Giselle and the family. And the family dynamics are out there for the world to see.

So I guess it's fair game. You know, when you live a public life, when you live a public life like that, it's part of the trade off, I believe. Part of the trade, you get the riches, you get the fame, you get the adoration, you get the people who love you, but then you're also going to get people who dislike you. You're going to get a lot of tar thrown on you. And the press is going to be relentless about trying to find out every detail of your life.

That is the trade-off. The trade-off is you are one of the top 000 point one percent, right? That doesn't make any sense point zero zero one point zero Brian. You're an idiot You get what I'm saying. I do you are up there in the upper crust out in the clouds Few people will ever live like you do few people will experience anything. I can guarantee we're not going to. But at the same time, that brings relentless and pressured spotlight on everything that you do. And so, when comedians are making fun of the fact that Gisele supposedly was sleeping with her karate teacher or, you know, who are the kids' real father or whatever that is. Yeah, I can see how that's hurtful to the family

and to the kids, but is it kind of fair game a little bit like that you're out there in the public and that's the way that it is? I guess, I don't know. I don't think the kids, the kids didn't choose it. No, the kids didn't choose it. I like to leave the kids out of things, but. I like to leave the kids out of things too, but I will say this, is the kids can also

pay Elon Musk to wipe their brain with narrowlings. There you go. The kids are also going to live in the clouds, in the stratosphere. They're not going, their feet are never going to touch the ground, so to speak. And that's not their fault. That's just because they were born to two incredibly famous, and by the way, incredibly talented and good looking people. Yeah, I mean, that's what you get. When my kids grow up, they're going to be like,

why the fuck are you my dad? Why didn't I get someone younger, more talented, better looking? I don't know, kid, that's just the way it is. I think in general on the roast, everything is fair game. Like that's part of the roast. No, that is part of the roast. I mean, and he agreed to it. Yeah.

So yeah, you have to kind of be like, nothing's off limits. Well, someone made a joke about Robert Kraft. Remember he was down in the massage parlors? Like he got busted in one of those massage parlors, getting a hand shandy. One of those jack shacks. Yes. Come on. But yeah, I mean, come on.

That is got to be the fairest of the fair game, right? You literally are going to a rinky dink massage parlor? Yeah, like in a strip mall. Yes, in a strip mall? In West Palm? And you expected that to stay a secret? Are you a fucking dudnik, Robert Kraft? Come on, man.

Listen, that is the fairest of fair game. I don't care if you're Joe Schmo, my neighbor, or you're Robert fucking Kraft, owner of the Patriots. If you're going to a Jack Shack in a strip mall, that is fair game. I go to my neighbor next door and I say, hey, I saw you walking out a hot cock Asian massage the other day. How is the hot stone massage there? I'm thinking about getting one. I sent your wife a text this, hey, hey, is that Joe? Barbecue this weekend?

I saw Joe. I mean, that is the... So good to see Joe out the other day. So good to see Joe out. Doing some self care. Yeah. Look at Joe. Joe just invited me for his massage, couldn't make it, but drove by and saw his car.

Hot stone Asian massage. I mean, you are Robert Kraft, you can afford to have the most beautiful dial a date ever show up at whichever apartment you have the 5,000 that you own. And it's probably in some penthouse somewhere. I mean, you probably own, Robert Kraft probably owns a property in 72 different cities. He could have literally taken a private jet to Italy and hired the most incredible high-end call girl to come to his front door and then paid her to never say anything. You know who does that also? Donald Trump. And so he could go and do that and no one would be the wiser. No one. Exactly.

Okay. Hot girl showed up to Robert Kraft's front door. Who cares? But you walk out of hot Caucasian massage, you something's wrong. I know, I remember reading that story. I was like, what? Me too, I couldn't believe it. I could not believe it.

I was like, no, no way. Wasn't there, was there like a raid? I think there was a raid. Yeah, there was a raid. And he got swept up. Mr. Craft, come out with your hands up and your pants down. This is the West Palm Police. We have nothing better to do. This is the West Palm Police. We have nothing better to do.

This is the third time this week we've been to hot cocks, haze, and socks." And Robert comes in and they said he got a blow job. He was getting blow jobs or something. Yeah. Hey. So crazy. Listen, get a blow job. Okay.

Right. If your wife doesn't care, cool, dude. Cool. I mean, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you think you would be a little bit more discreet. You would think you would be any discreet, not more discreet, a discreet, at all discreet. You would think. You would think. But no, Robert Kraft is literally trolling the Walmart parking lot for an Asian massage house.

I was, I go to his store the other day, my wife says, go get something for me. I go to the store, it's like this Lidl, right? You know what Lidl is? Oh yeah, yeah, like the Aldi. Yeah, like the Aldi. So she said, go to this Lidl, it's, you know, whatever, we're bond diapers. L-I-D-L. L-I-D-L. And in this strip mall, I had to go to another shop that was, so I just walked, I walked from the little over to the end of the strip mall. And so I'm walking and there is a new place and it's called Hot Stone Massage. And it's got a picture of two beautiful women laying face down with the stones on their back. And, you know, one boob is like, you know, they're smushed boobs because they're laying down

and you can almost see the nipple, right? It's like, everything is implied, but it's certainly there. And so, I said to myself, I need to just for show research, I need to go in there because there's a menu board that I can see in. There's these weird curtains, blinds, like the kind of blinds you buy for your house, right? Not the kind of blinds that commercial retail stores use, but like the crinkly tin blinds that you have, are just all the way down to the floor, except for the front door that's glass, and it says open. It always says open. Beth Dombkowski It always says open.

Jared Sifri Yeah, but that's not the one I'm usually talking about. This is a different one altogether. But anyway, so I'm like, I walk by the door, I can see that there's a menu board, like a lunch menu board that you would put out in front of a restaurant that's sitting there on the floor. There's no desk. It's like a restaurant hostess stand that's right there, right? And so, I go, as I'm walking by, I look in, I see the menu board, but I can't quite read it. I see the host desk, and then I see there's like these beads, you know, the beads where you walk in and out of a door? The bead curtains? The bead curtains where you get, you know, you've seen it in the 70s movies. Yes.

On each side of the hostess stand. So, I'm like, okay, Brian, you have to get some balls, walk in and read that menu board. You have to do this. So I go in. Hey, welcome to the neighborhood. No, no one was there. No one greeted me. I walk in, ding dong, you know?

There's music playing, there's like two little waterfalls, you know, the fake kind of waterfalls that you buy at Kmart, I don't even know. And I'm reading the menu board and it's like, hot stone massage, hot oil massage, full body rub. It didn't even say massage, it said full body rub. And then on the bottom it says, ask for our other services. It did. It said, ask about our other

services. And I was like, no fucking way. No fucking way. Or the, this is spalz. But I was there for, I was in there for maybe 30 seconds just to read the menu board. And I got what it was all up. I'm not saying that that's what's going on there. I'm saying that's probably what's going on there. Okay. I don't know for sure. I, I didn't go in and ask for the other services. You need to go further in your research for the show. Well, I don't think my wife would appreciate that. But if it's for show, listen, if it'll help this show make money,

I actually think she will be for it. Let me talk to her. So I walk in and I walk out. I'm telling you right now, maybe it is, maybe it's not. And I'm sure you can get a legitimate massage there. Jared L places, and anybody knew my car, then they would know that I was there at the Hot Stone Massage Place that is completely nebulous, has no other advertising except for a big picture of women's boobs, and ask for other services is on the menu board. You know what I'm saying? So, if Robert Kraft thought, apparently he got a little touchy about this, but if Robert

and Tom Brady did too. Really? On the roast? Yeah, they both said something to the comedian who made the joke. As he was walking by, they apparently pulled him down. That's full fair game. That is way fair game. And someone else, some other joke, I can't remember if it was Shane Gillis, who said

it, said, they were asked not to say something about that. You got to be fucking kidding me. I know. Maybe it was Jeff Ross himself. You got to be fucking kidding me that you have to ask comedians not to take that. That was big news for at least three weeks. You want to know why? Because Robert Kraft, an 86 year old Patriots owner, is getting a jack from a jackshack and not from a high end call girl who comes to his house. Hello. So stupid. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.

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Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. All right. So, I went to Charlotte this weekend, I told you that. Yes. I went to Charlotte this weekend. And I got to share an observation. I'll just put this as an observation. So, we're staying down in the like, or up, in the Uptown District, where they have all

of the big buildings and the banking center. Charlotte is known for being a ground zero for banking. Wells Fargo, Truist, Bank of America, they're all headquartered there. And they have big data centers there and all this other stuff. So it's a big banking town. Therefore, there's a lot of money,

probably in this town, I've got to imagine. So we're staying across from one of the arenas. It seems like they have a lot of arenas and theaters and stadiums there, don't they? There's like six or seven within a four-block radius. It's really kind of strange of varying sizes and degrees. And they only have one professional team that I, two maybe, they have two professional teams. They have a hockey team. They do have a hockey team, I think. Do they? A hockey team and a football team. They don't have a baseball team and, oh, I guess they have a basketball team, don't

they? The Wizards? I think so. Yeah, I think so. I don't really know. Don't worry about it. Don't call me. Don't text me.

Yeah, stop it. Okay, I'll figure it out after the show. Leave me alone. I'm supposed to do research before the show. I get all of that. I can hear people texting in right now. Okay, but anyway, they have all these different arenas and theaters and all this other stuff. So we're staying next to one of the arenas. So we go to go out to eat and we get stuck in traffic the second we

leave this hotel. And I'm like, it's Saturday afternoon. What the fuck? Why is there so much traffic? And I see a lot, and I mean a lot of older folks, walking with, you know, drinks in their hand, generally married, crossing the street, you know, all this people getting out of Ubers to go into this theater, but it doesn't say outside that theater exactly what's going on in the theater. So I was like, oh, maybe there's like a show or something that people are going to, but what, this must be at a Frankie Valley or something, like, who's going, what's the average age of the people that are going in there is like 70, you know? I thought to myself, why are all these people all excited? People are wearing, you know, these signs that say, I love you, and they're carrying

signs in. Who is this? Who are they so excited to see? And I learned that it's Hart who they so excited to see? And I learned that it's Heart, who they're excited to see. Heart. Heart. Heart.

No doubt Heart is talented. No doubt. And I understand that Heart is a kind of an iconic female rock band in a time when only males dominated rock and roll and that a lot of women look up to them as kind of like- Yeah, I love Heart. Yeah, so I'm not saying anything bad about Heart.

Not my favorite band in the world. I just don't, I don't find a lot of their music pleasing to my ear, but that's neither here nor there. But one of the things that I noticed was a gentleman outside, he had a wagon, he was carrying a wagon, and he had a dog in the back of the wagon, and the dog had a heart shirt on. Oh, okay.

And the guy was carrying a sign that said, Jesus against heart. But he had a heart drawn out, right? It said, Jesus against heart. And I thought, wow, that's rather strange, but okay. So, the next morning, I get up to go get my coffee, and I got to find the local coffee shop, and then I'm walking about a half a mile to go get this coffee. And it's 7.45 in the morning. It's rather early. There's not a lot of people on the street except for the people who probably should have gone to bed already, you know? A lot of people straggling around, a few people straggling around. Most of them look hungover, drunk, de-homed, or whatever.

But on the corner of one of these streets is the guy with his dog and the sign, Jesus Against Heart. He was still out there. And he's got an amplifier and a microphone, and he's giving a sermon to nobody because there is nobody out there. None. But I'm game, right? Okay. I just had a sip of coffee. I'm game. Why not? Let's see what this guy has to say. So, I'm strategically standing probably about a hundred feet away from him, and I'm just sipping my coffee as if I'm just going for my morning stroll or whatever. I got my headphones in, so if he approaches me, I can say, sorry, on a call. I'm on a call, right? No, I'm not on a call. And I can hear this guy saying that, he was explaining, that at one time, Hart, the two women in Hart, were angels, and they fell from the heavens down to earth

to bring the satanic music of Hart to the masses under a name that sounds angelic but is not angelic. And I was like, wow! He had this whole spiel, Chris, he probably went on for about three or four minutes. He had this whole spiel about how Hart were angels and now they're Satan and they're bringing, and they're infiltrating the masses. This is how God is going to destroy this world because of heart and their rock and roll music with their shaky booties and their big tits. And okay, let me tell you something. I was thinking to myself, if God is going to destroy the world

in 2024, let's make the assumption there is God, then let's make the assumption that 2024 is the year that the world will be destroyed. Would He really pick Hart to be the deliverer? I mean, you know, would Hart be the nemesis? Really? Is Hart going to get to the masses like they are? Because last time I checked, Hart is not on every turn of my Instagram real.

Do you know what I'm saying? Right. It's Taylor fucking Swift. It's Ariana Grande. It's Olivia Rodrigo. It's, you know, it's Bad Bunny. It ain't not heart because the average age of a heart listener is 97. I mean, I don't think there's any fear that the heart listeners are going to stand up and cause destruction in this world. That's wild. They've got knee problems. They can't even run fast. I wonder if he like tailors that for different bands or if he just specifically was focused on

Heart. Man, did he really seem into Heart. I just gotta say that. Like he really seemed like he had this whole Heart thing nailed. And a dog with the shirt. With the heart shirt on! And it was a 2024 tour t-shirt! Where did he get it? Did someone donate it to him? Did he buy it with church funds? The best part is the guy's got a tip jar sitting out there too! And I was like, whoa!

Who's gonna pay for this? Who's paying for this guy to talk? I am telling you. But here's the best part about this scene that I captured just for five minutes. The best part about the scene is after three minutes, four minutes of rapping about heart and how they had, you know, fallen angels and all this other stuff, some gentleman who may or may not have a home some gentleman who may or may not have a home walked across the street and he's standing there and he's like, yeah, man, yeah, Satan be fucking with all of us. I was like, oh, there you go. He reached someone.

Yes. That sums up 2024 in a nutshell. There you go. Wow. 2024 in a nutshell. There you go. Jared L He got to somebody. Well, I mean, my biggest question was, did you actually go to the concert? I wanted to say, did you want to go to the concert? But I was nervous I would get involved in a whole conversation. I have children to feed and stuff. I can't be standing in a corner in Charlotte with a guy with a wagon. Ashton looks out the window from the room

and sees you down there. Me and this guy are like hugging and handshaking. What's up, man? I don't know much. Yeah, I agree with you. Heart, heart, heart is where it's going from. I just don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know.

Nicole Soule-Nicholson That's interesting. Some of those people do like to get out and shout things outside of events. Jared Slauson Here's the weird thing about Charlotte. There's this whole uptown district, and I've been to Charlotte a number of times, but this is my first time back in probably a decade. It's about probably been a decade since I actually was in town, not just driving through or stopping

to get gas or something. Uptown, it's a lovely part of Charlotte. It's the business district. It's lovely. And they have a lot of, they have, it's very green like Atlanta is, and they have these green spaces. They have this one place called The Green. That's what it's called. And it's like an open air park. It's not particularly big, but it's beautiful, and the kids were playing there. And around this district, there were, I'm going to say five or six, right around this green area, five or six different churches or preachers or whatever you call them, standing around giving their sermons. Really? Yes, and handing out their pamphlets. You see this everywhere you go, right? Have you

heard about Latter-day Saints, you know, the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church? And there were, at every one of these little stands, that's what I can call them, little stops, little areas where these people were preaching and handing out materials, there were people standing there listening to them. And admittedly, it was a few, it was two or three, but there were people standing there listening to them. And I thought, most of the cities you go to and you see these kind of people, you know, proselytizing out in the public, there's usually no one there. It's just them shouting into the void. But in Charlotte, they seem to have a captive audience. And I couldn't understand why. Maybe it's because, I don't know, we're in the Bible belt and people pay attention to that kind of stuff. Maybe it's because they had a message.

And maybe it's because they had a message that people liked. I don't know. I wasn't particularly into it, but that's okay. And one of my kids goes, Daddy, what are they talking about? And I go, banking. That's what I said. I go, banking, it's adult stuff, you're not going to be interested. I promise you. Let's just keep on walking. Daddy doesn't have time for this shit. Let's keep on walking.

All right. Oh. Heart. Poor heart. And we're back. Poor heart. That's it. All right. Oh. Heart. And we're back. Poor heart. Poor heart. That's it.

And then like out of like a morbid, not morbid, but like a curiosity, the next, after I saw that guy, when we were eating breakfast, I Googled, YouTube, YouTube searched Heart Charlotte 2024, just to see what the show was all about. And that, that lady, Annie, what's her name? Yeah. Annie, whatever it is.

I think it's, is it Nancy and. Nancy and Annie. I think. And that lady, Annie, what's her name? Yeah. Annie, whatever it is. I think it's, is it Nancy and? Nancy and Annie, I think. Anne, yeah. Yeah, and Anne, or little boat Annie or something. I don't know, who knows? I don't know enough about Heart. But I saw them, you know, somebody captured a video

of them playing their famous song. Yeah. That one that everybody knows. And I'm telling you what, they could still sing and play guitar. Oh yeah. Yeah. And if you can fill a coliseum like that, you're making much more money than we are

here on the commercial break. So they're not in the shadows. Big props. And to your and 70 year olds can pay for it. That's the thing. That's a perfect audience because they have a lot of expendable income. You know what I'm saying? Look at those fucking Eagles.

They've been touring for 50 years since they turned 50 and every year it's sold out and everybody's going ever. I know I mean, that's it That's the way to do it. That's the way you and I are gonna be doing it probably The almost our almost final concert tour Like our Aerosmith. Yeah Aerosmith that almost final concert tour. I actually think it might be time for Aerosmith to hang up their shoes. I think Steven needs to go back to his Percocet

or whatever he's doing. All right, here's what you do. You go to our website, tcbpodcast.com. All the information about the show, the audio, the video is right there at one location. You can also get a free TCB sticker, bumper sticker. All you have to do is hit the contact us button. The little drop down menu says I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we'll send it off to you. No muss, no fuss. We're happy to do it. Happy to do

it. Just write Ted Sarandos, Ted at Netflix.com. Let them know that you want the commercial break to MC next year's Netflix is a Joke Tour from behind a curtain. While they're performing. While they're performing with a mute button. And a commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and youtube.com slash the commercial break. And remember to dial us up, two12-433-3TCB.

Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say,

we do say, and we must say, Goodbye. Goodbye. I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star

I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I'm gonna be a star I gotta get some cocaine! Don't make me crazy!