The Commercial Break - He's Got That Good Good Wood

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

Episode #586: Bryan tackles the news today at TCB (and also his trip to the doctor for a physical), and yes…questions remain! We are excited about our live shows! Bryan and Juan are no more The News! The astronauts that are stuck in space Bryan’s Cosby newscaster voice Questions do remain! No leaking allowed Bryan does space Stonehenge?! Bryan got a physical Needles in the neck If you’re queasy about getting blood drawn…don’t listen to this Bryan is a phlebotomist YBRYAN 3000 He got that good good wood Disney being bad Matthew Perry Come To Our Shows: Dania Beach Improv (Tuesday, Sept. 24th) The Funny Bone Orlando (Wednesday, Sept. 25th) Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB FOLLOW US: INSTAGRAM:   https://www.instagram.com/thecommercialbreak/ https://www.instagram.com/bryanwgreen/ https://www.instagram.com/tcbkrissy/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TIKTOK https://www.tiktok.com/@tcbpodcast Visit our website:  https://tcbpodcast.com/ CREDITS: Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer:  Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. If you could say something to Janelle right now, what would it be? That we miss you and we're looking for you. And Stephie P from biology is pregnant. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah.

On this episode of the Commercial Break. Almost everyone who has low T has those two symptoms. She's like, it's very rare that someone has low T and strong morning wood and strong wood wood, right? Just regular wood. Not any time of the day, wood. Just wood. And I go, oh, okay. All right, so good. So I probably don't have, you know, I got strong wood. Just wood. And I go, oh, okay. All right.

So good. So I probably don't have, you know, I got strong wood. Good, good. I got good, good wood. So I guess I'm good. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Good morning! Oh, yeah, Captain Kiddens, welcome back to The Commercial Break.

I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the cohost of this show, Kristen Joy Holdley. Best of you, Kristen. Best of you, Brian. Best of you out there in the podcast universe. I'm getting so excited about our live shows. I don't know about you, but I'm getting very excited about our live shows. I'm very excited.

We've been talking about it, trying to figure out plans. We have one good idea from Astrid. And now I think we can just build an entire two hours off of it. Yes, we've got Blue. Shh. Surprises, Chrissy, surprises. We've got Blue and the landscaper.

I wish I could get the landscaper to come down. Oh, that would be awesome. But I have a new landscaping team. It's not the same landscaping team anymore. I had to get rid of Juan. Well, now I have Jose. Oh, okay. At our place.

Well, at least we're not recording when Jose's around. Exactly. I did, I had to get rid of, I didn't get rid of Juan. Juan moved his office location because he had more business in another part of town and he wanted to charge me a $50 traveling fee. And I'm like, no, I can't, I'm sorry, but I love you. We've been living together a long time, but that's just a little silly. It doesn't even cost me $50 per visit. You want me to double the fee? That's kind of

silly. But I do understand. Listen, gas prices are high, they're not a dollar oh five anymore, like they were in the Trump presidency. Did you hear that? What? Nothing, nevermind. He said the other night, I can't keep up with that. Everyone forgets about a dollar 27 gas when I have it.

It's like, what? Dollar 27? I think it was a dollar 27 when I started driving. Me too, yeah. I think that's what it was. Like a dollar 27. And my dad was bitching then about the gas prices. But I am excited about the two shows coming up. I think we have a lot of good ideas.

Here's a question though, that I think is a legitimate question. How long do we go? Because I thought- How low do we go? How long do we go? Yeah, no, how low do we go? It's $30.

I mean- No, I mean how low do we go? It's $30. I mean. No, I mean how low? The level of the bar set. Oh no, I know that. Please, what are you talking about? We're in the basement. You're in the crawl space of my house. Listen, it costs Juan more money and gas

than it will cost you to get to one of these shows. That's right. Traveling fee from Juan is more expensive. How long do we go? Yeah, I is more expensive. How long do we go? Yeah, I don't know. How long do we go? I don't know. I think as long as it takes.

Well, that's a good answer, only I'm not sure that the crowd will get. Well, you know how we do. I know how we do. You know how we do. Well, I know how we do sometimes. We kind of go off on rants about this, that, and the other. So we might do that,

but we are gonna have some kind of a little outline. No, I think that would, no, we'll hit some notes. But at the end of the day, like, where do we cap it? I said two hours is what I thought, two hours. Because if it goes much longer than that, I don't think anybody's going to be left in the audience. I'm sure we're going to start losing people minute number five. I think we'll get through the introductions and then people will start filtering out. Yeah. And just so everybody knows too, it's not going to be a live show of us just recording a podcast. No, no, no, no.

Because people have asked that to me, like, oh, you're doing a live show, you're just doing a live recording. No, this is a show. It's a show. And you will come and it will be something completely different. Not completely different, but it will be something. It's not that we're sitting there. It's its own thing. Yeah, it's its own thing.

It's a separate thing. It's its own thing. Think of it as, this is Broadway, then think of the live show as like the red light district of your favorite town. We're gonna be selling dildos and anal lube. Why Brian 3000? Yes, definitely why Brian 3000.

But we're excited and I hope you come, Orlando on the 25th, Dania Point, Dania Beach, Improv on the 24th, at the Bone on the 25th and at Dania Point on the 24th. And we're super excited and tickets are available. Actually they'll be available on the website when this comes out. They'll be available on the website. You can also find them in all of our show notes over the last couple of days, episodes. You can also find them on the websites of the Funny Bone Orlando and Dania Point. And be sure you're going to be direct to these venues. Yes. Don't be ripped off. Don't

be convinced of being $200. Yeah. I mistakenly Googled, you know, Funny Bone Orlando, something pulled up. I thought that was it. You know, I clicked on it and I was alarmed. We weren't on there. And Brian said. Because no one wants to scam our tickets. What demand is there? Like, what are they gonna get? They're gonna end up paying.

Yeah, those scammers just left us off the calendar. Well, it's funny because on the Funny Bone website, they had like a calendar somewhere that we can't, that I couldn't find, but Astrid showed it to me and it said, special event under ours. And I'm like, oh, it's special, all right. And then the great Leslie Liao will be at the Funny Bone the night before us or the night after us?

Oh, okay. I was going to ask her if she wanted to come hang out with us for a few minutes on stage, but she's going to be somewhere else the night that we're doing it. And I don't even think Leslie would remember who we were. Like, hey, Les. Hey, Les, you wanna come hang out with us? Hey, yesterday we were talking, or on Friday, we were talking about the news guys. I thought we'd go over a few headlines recently in the news and see if we can make tops, tails or ends of it. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, if you heard, one of the things that's been in the news lately

are these poor fucking astronauts who are stuck in space because Boeing couldn't make a tin can to hold fucking diet Sprite in, let alone a spacecraft. It's fucking unbelievable. I know, I guess Boeing's saying it's safe, but there's some questions so they're not going to take a chance. Right? Is that it?

Do you think that the spacecraft will explode? I don't know, and apparently that's the question and so they're not sending them back. Is that the question or are there additional questions that we should or should not be asking of Boeing? Yes, ask more questions of Boeing. Thank you for your clarity. I think questions do remain. We'll stay on that story and get back to you later. There he is. There he is. He's on it. He's on the TV now.

He's on. It's not his time to be on. Oh no, please don't tell me they're expanding his coverage. I'm going off script. We're making fun of a particular news broadcaster who is so disjointed in his... Oh, anyway. Yeah, so this is a really crazy story to me, actually, to put all the jokes aside. This is a really insane story.

They send these two astronauts up in the brand new Boeing space vehicle, manned space vehicle. They've tested this thing multiple times. They had problems with it five years ago when they were first supposed to go up. They had problems with it again two years ago when they started testing it without human beings in it. And they had a problem with it almost a year ago. They also delayed the flight multiple times because of more problems, mainly leaking. I just don't think you want anything leaking when you go up into space.

That's like, I don't think you should be leaking anything here. Leaking is not a good word. You don't associate leaking with something good, right? That's so true. You don't walk down the street and go, I'm leaking. Best to you. Best to you. Hey bro, cool leaking going on.

Hey bro, you got the best leaking. Leaking in any sense, doesn't it? You don't want to leak... We do. Leaking better than anyone else. You don't want to leak a secret. That's right? You don't want to leak- We do leaking better than anyone else. You don't want to leak a secret. That's right. You don't want to leak fluids. You don't want to leak anything. Yeah. You don't leak poo poo. You don't want to leak anything.

Especially. I'm like, Astrid was giving the baby a shower the other day. And the baby put some hot mustard on that shower. She texts me and she's like, what do I do if the baby pooped in the shower? And I'm like, anything but put it down the drain, anything. What? She pooped in the shower. No, I know that's a baby,

but like you wouldn't just wash it down the drain? No, you don't put it down the shower drain because the shower drain has something called, I forget what they call it, a gas trap, shit trap, something like that, fart trap. I don't know what it's called, but it's meant to like, catch things so that you don't get like big bulky stuff going down.

And so also that it doesn't cause these weird like air pockets that can stink, like build up methane and stuff like that. You're not supposed to put poop. Oh, okay. Well, I don't want to get too graphic here, but you're saying it was solid. I thought it was not solid.

No, it was a hot dump, like right there in the middle of the shower. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, then yeah, you got to get it out. Oh my God. I was like, oh, thank God I'm not there. Not there. Yeah, because I would throw up. It would be puke on top of the poop. So these two go up and they're supposed to be there for 10 days. They've now been there for closer to 90, I think. And by some estimations, I had heard they were hoping to get them back by the end of the year. And Chrissy says they

may be in there through the end of the year. I heard through spring, maybe. What in the world could possibly be going on? And if you're one of those two people, now those, not that I've heard, those two people, the astronauts, have not yet given some kind of press conference or press avail, like they haven't really talked to the press. I'm sure they're talking to somebody, but I haven't heard them give their personal opinions on this, but the people at NASA keep saying, oh, they're lucky to be up there a couple extra days. They've got experiments to do and there's plenty of food

and water and you get a great view. You're stuck in a tin can flying around Earth. Says NASA's PR team. Yeah. You are stuck in a fucking sardine can flying at the speed of seven sounds around Earth and at any moment a little space dust could just blow up the whole thing. I do not want to be in space. I never want to be in space. But I certainly don't want to be stuck in space. No. I would rather be stuck in Sing Sing than space because that seems fucking insane to

me. I guess they have training on this, but yeah, how could you not have a freak out? You must be freaking out. You must be like, just think about that. It'd be like if remember that whole submarine thing, like how the submarine imploded? I would almost rather have been on that thing and got a lickety split death than be stuck up there wondering exactly how in the fuck am I going to get back to earth. I feel like this is a movie.

It is a movie. Yeah. There's a documentary coming about this for sure. And the fact that NASA and Boeing keep claiming that there's nothing wrong makes it that much more twisted to me. They should just say we really don't know what the fuck is going on and therefore we're not gonna put our astronauts in danger. And when we figure it the fuck out we will do or when we can get a spacecraft up there safely, you know they're gonna have to call that Elon fucking Musk. Yeah, but Elon can't, it's not like you can just like, woo, all right, yeah, I'll grab my,

I'll grab the extra set of keys and pick you up in an hour. You can't do that. It's like, it takes a year to get those things ready. And then you have to make sure that you have the procedures available to do it and that no one gets hurt and that it's safe. This is fucking space travel.

It's not easy in the first place. And every time I heard about this story increasingly, I actually heard about this when's not easy in the first place. And I, every time I heard about this story increasingly, I actually heard about this when they delayed it for the second time. I saw a YouTube video and there was a guy and he does like this daily space update and it's like not a very well trafficked YouTube channel. It's probably got like 13 views or something, but he seems rather intelligent about the whole thing. And he said at that time, there are leaks on this vehicle, and how do they fix those leaks? They don't have the equipment to do spacewalks. They probably

wouldn't be able to do anything about it even if they were out there. They don't have the equipment to fix that type of stuff, internal, external, whatever it is. There's only so much that they can do here on earth to fix it, to test it, to do all that. And he was like, I anticipate this is going to be a much bigger problem than they're saying right now. It's the second delay. He goes, I wouldn't be surprised if it gets delayed for months. And I thought to myself, there's no way they're going to delay for months. Like, clearly somebody's going to be up there picking them up or something like call space Uber. Didn't Elon fly a car out there one time? Can't we just swing that thing back around? Listen, didn't Red Bull, can't Red Bull go up?

Red Bull. Remember when they did the thing that went up above the arc? Yes, I do. I watched that for 16 fucking straight hours in a row. And then the guy was like spinning out of control. And they were, it was that old guy who was like,

the guy who was supposed to, the comms director. I don't know if any of you remember this, this back in 2010, nine, 10, a guy took a Red Bull space balloon up, he was in like a space capsule. They put a balloon on top of it and he flew to the edge of space. And then he opened up the door and he jumped out with a parachute on his back, but he was like full spacesuit. Now, it took him about nine hours to get up to where he was going. So they covered every minute of it on like

the Red Bull channel, I don't know, ESPN or whatever. ESPN seven or whatever it was until he got close to the edge of space and then like a bunch of people were carrying it. He gets out, he's Russian I think or something. So this is all you can hear. I was fucking high. And I just peed myself. Okay, I guess I'll jump. That's what went on for like 15 minutes. But there was a guy on the other,

like an old guy with a southern accent. And he's like, Gregory, Gregory, can you hear me? Gregory, you're breaking up a little. Everything looks fine from down here. You've got all the meters right on the green. Go ahead and jump.

I said jump. We can hear you, Garry. We can hear you, but there's something wrong, Gregory, with your communications. Don't worry about that. Just jump." And then he jumps. And then there's like a telescope, like down in Earth, where you can barely see him. He looks like literally like a dot, and it's a shaky camera, and it is dot in the middle

of the camera that you're trying to look at. But as he gets closer, you can start to see that he is spinning out of fucking control at like a hundred rpms per minute He's just spinning spinning. It's hilarious. Actually. It looks so funny because it was like is that a mannequin or a human? control Gary try and settle yourself down you're spinning out of control Gary I know you're out of control Gary try calm yourself it's okay for Gary just slow down Gary oh dear god Gary Oh dear God, Greg Garry! Ha ha ha! Greg Garry shit himself! Oh God, Greg Garry!

The guy was, he was so emotional. Yeah, and they did not do another stunt like that, if you've noticed. No! Because Greg Garry was dying in minute flight, and they didn't know how to handle it. The old guy was just like

Oh God, Gary, Oh, my heart been still poor thing Gary. Gary, your children are here. Try and make it for your children. It's like, what do you do? You're 16 miles above earth spinning out of control. I would have had puke in my helmet and shit in my drawers. Oh, God. All the things. I just always thought, why doesn't Gary just pull the cord now? What is he waiting for?

It might have burst it. Well, it might have burst it. There's no oxygen up there. I don't know, but my first instinct would have been hit the cord. I probably would have died. But yeah, why don't they send one of those balloons up there to get those too? It worked out great the first time. Maybe there's been progressions.

Oh, I'm sure there has, I'm sure there has. But this is just like, this seems so, this is like a nightmare, this is nightmare fuel for me to be stuck in space in a tin can. And I realized they're on the ISS and the ISS is like, you know, it's not tiny anymore. There's lots of space up there. They have plenty of food and water. They can send, they can send supplies on an unmanned ship. Like they're going to be okay,

I think. But if, if I'm them and NASA keeps saying, oh, it's great that they're up there for a couple extra years. Yeah. Unplanned. Their family's all into it. They love it. But if I'm one of these people's family members, I'm like, get them the fuck off that space station. I don't care how you do it, but you've got to do it because I don't want, I don't know, I don't know how anybody sleeps. Anybody connected to this sleeps right now. And maybe they're not. Maybe I'm just, maybe they're saying these things, the PR people are saying these things so they don't freak everybody out, right? I'm sure.

They're trying to keep some kind of calm. I'm sure. But a little bit of honesty injected into the situation might be helpful if you just said, hey, we didn't expect this shit to go wrong. But you made a deal with Boeing. It's not like Boeing's got the most stellar reputation over the last five years. They've had like six planes fly out of the sky, doors fall off, engines explode, gas tanks that don't hold gas.

And that's a whole other thing, I was listening to something and they were talking about how like the Boeing executive that was the whistleblower about how things were bad, remember he died mysteriously. Mysteriously. And there's been a lot of weirdness that's happened around all of that. Yeah, and I don't know if this is true or not, because this is the internet,

so I don't want to spread any misinformation. This may or may not be true. But according to a video that I saw, that particular person who supposedly committed suicide had told somebody, if I die, it wasn't by my own hand. I guess I heard the same thing. And so when you make a statement like that, and then the authorities declare it suicide pretty quickly after it happens, it's like, I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I don't think it's a conspiracy if you went around telling people,

if I die, it's not by my own hand, and then he dies by his own hand. Yeah. That's like seems a little fishy. It does not seems a little fishy, it is pretty fucking fishy. And I think they need to investigate that. It's hard for me to wrap my head around that Boeing would literally do harm to somebody because they were already in trouble in the first place. It's not like this guy was gonna make it any worse or better.

He was just telling the truth. And when you have an environment like that, especially when you're making fucking airplanes, I mean, there are, if you go on some of these flight booking sites, some of these travel sites right now, you can click a button when you book your flight, when you're looking for flights, you can click a button that will take the new 737s out of the option.

Really? Yes, that's how terrible Boeing's reputation is and how terrible these airplanes are. I mean, they made a fucking function on those airplanes where it's like an anti-stall thing. Best of intentions, right? It's anti-stall. So if you get into a certain position, the plane puts the nose down because you need airspeed. If you're stalling, if you're going up in this direction, but the plane doesn't have enough thrust to get you up, then the plane stalls. but the plane doesn't have enough thrust to get you up, then the plane stalls.

How do you correct that? You have to get more speed, so you put the nose down. Then that's what you're taught. That's what you're taught when you first start flying, when they practice stalls. Put your nose down, gain airspeed, then pull the plane back up. Think it up.

But what they did was they put this program, this computer program in there, that was supposed to intelligently detect that stalling was about to happen and put the nose down. But it malfunctioned, and it malfunctioned to fatal consequences on at least two flights. And then many other flights, pilots didn't understand what to do. Why didn't they understand what to do? Because Boeing, when they rolled out the new 737, in order to save save themselves money decided that the pilots don't need training on that particular function. It's not that

big of a deal. So they save themselves money because they don't have to retrain all these pilots. And it makes it more attractive to the airlines because they don't have to take their pilots and put them in hours long training, you know, facilities. And so Boeing just straight up killed people for extra profit. And that's fucking insane to me. Yeah, I know. God. Yeah, thank God we probably can't kill anybody here at the commercial break.

I mean, thank God. But I don't know, we probably kill people's ears all the time. I was gonna say. Maybe people like drive off the road, they're like, can't take it anymore, four episodes is way too much. much! I don't know. I can't keep up with those downloads.

I can't keep up with those downloads! Gragary! Gragary! Press pause, Gragary! Unfollow Gragary! Alright, let's take a break, give everybody's ears a break. Okay. We'll be back. Okay, you guys, I have an idea. Why don't we take a break? Gotcha. This is the break. And you already know when you hear my sexy voice, it's time to whip your phone out and follow us on Instagram or skip the ads at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. or skip the ads at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast.

And of course, you know, if you want to get involved you can always give us a call or text us at 212-433-3TCB. That is 212-433-3822. And guess what? I finally have information on TCB Live. So the links are in the show notes but let me tell you right now,

you can come see us at Dania Beach Improv on Tuesday September 24th or at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday September 25th. It's gonna be fab. So go buy your tickets and we'll see you in Florida! FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants his last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on Fandual Casino, where winning is undefeated.

19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connexontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, I'm Rhett. And I'm Link. Maybe you know us from our daily YouTube show, Good Mythical Morning.

But this is a little trailer for our podcast Ear Biscuits where two lifelong friends talk about life for a long time. And nothing is off limits. We talk about our sex lives, our mental health journeys, but we try to never take ourselves too seriously. So we invite you to not do the same, or to do the same. We invite you to listen. Follow and listen to Ear Biscuits.

Now for free on the Odyssey app and everywhere you get your podcasts. Own each step with Peloton. From their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. app and everywhere you get your podcasts. walks and hikes led by expert instructors on the Peloton app. Call yourself a runner. Peloton all access membership separate. Learn more at onepeloton.ca slash running. Did you hear that they may now understand how Stonehenge came together?

I didn't see that how it came together, but I saw it about a fingerprint that was from Scotland. Here, let me read, yeah, from Scotland. Let me read this. So you know what Stonehenge is, and if you don't know what Stonehenge is, turn off the show, because then you're even dumber than I am.

I mean, honestly, you're even dumber than I am. If you don't know what Stonehenge is in real life, then you clearly saw it on, what's that movie? Spinal Tap? Stonehenge! It's a life-size replication of Stonehenge! No, it's not! It was literally smaller than the small person on stage! So the wonder of the world isn't done living up to its name. Roughly 5,000 years after making an initial appearance on a patch of English

grassland, Stonehenge has plenty of secrets left to spill. Surprising New Research says the prehistoric site is abuzz over a new report saying that the Alterstone, one of the most mysterious pieces of the monument, according to the Washington Post, may have been dragged 500 miles or so over land from far away Scotland. If true, the finding released with 95% certainty by the scientists at Curtin University in Australia, is this the same university where that, where Ray Gunn does the studies on break dancing? Okay, just checking.

So, oh, I lost my place here, sorry. Challenges a century's worth of geological study that supposed whales to be the point of origin, using tiny long ago secured fragments of the stone, which cannot be further tampered with for any reason due to Stonehenge's status as a World Heritage Site. The researchers were able to determine that the work of Neolithic art was made in old red sandstone. This type of stone is found in Scotland's Northeast area, stretching from the north of Inverness

through the Orkney Islands. Considering the wheel had yet to be invented, the feat of prehistoric long-haul transport demonstrates a high level of societal organization with an intra-Britain transport during the Neolithic period. Whatever that means, call me and let me know. The trip may have taken over a decade to accomplish. Next up, figuring out how or where the stone came from in Scotland and why it was.

And why it would be there. Yeah. Fucking unbelievable. All this stuff, I just said I wasn't a conspiracy theorist, not here I go. All this stuff, like, you know, the theories about the pyramids, which I've seen a couple of really good ones, right? Really good theories. I've also seen some theories that the Egyptians were not slaves, in fact, they were people who were like celebrating, they wanted to do this,

this was part of their, you know, culture and their artistic vision that they wanted to put these together. You know, a lot of people say that the, that Egyptian slaves, the appearance, and some people say, some people are now saying, no, they didn't, they were really happy. I don't know how they determine that. They found a journal, best day ever, carried 40,000 tons on my back. Yeah, well, did you see too the thing about the pyramids with the, they thought that were just these tunnels really could have been for water. And that's how they were able to actually do a lot of the building of it was through hydroelectric.

Yes. Tesla thought that the, Tesla had a theory that the pyramids were sonic inducers that would make electricity in the air, which he had been trying to do. He had been trying to send electricity over, you know, everything has, everything has electrical charges, right? And his, he tried and I think succeeded in some of his experiments to prove that you could literally capture electricity in the air, right, or send it across long distances through the air. And so he thought that it was like,

and it was a tuning fork essentially that would send energy that could be, you know, then made into electricity, and that they had figured it out. And then he had this whole drawing about how he did it. And so then Stonehenge is another one of these weird, fascinating things that supposedly happened before people had the tools to do it. I mean, they didn't even have the wheel yet, for God's sakes.

What's that? I carried it on. My morning boner pushed it all the way. Morning wood. Yeah, my morning wood. And so, this is really fascinating to me to think that before the wheel, they figured out how to drag something so fucking incredibly heavy, 500 or more miles. I mean, how do you do that?

I mean, how do you do that? Well, that's what I don't know. That's maybe water somehow. Yeah, you know, you might be right. Maybe water, maybe they... It just all leads back to a theory that I know that a lot of people are into, and I don't know that I'm into it, but I give, I lend my open mind to the idea that if we went away tomorrow, in 5,000

years, there would be nothing left. There would be like plutonium and some, you know, really hardcore plastics maybe, right? But basically everything would be ground down to sand and we would be so many feet under the earth that you'd really have to dig for a long time to get to anything resembling human existence. So if we went, so if people, supposedly, who are that old, right, maybe they had technology, not similar, not the same, but technology that was way more advanced than we could have ever imagined. That we just don't understand. It's just gone. Yeah, it's just gone. It's buried so far or it's just

turned into dust and we don't know. There you go. And so, I'm open to the idea. I'm also open to the idea that aliens made the pyramids. Yes. I'm also open to the idea that we are aliens. I mean, we are stardust, technically, right? I guess that's true. We're stardust. So, speaking of us being aliens, I went for my physical today, Chrissy. Oh, you did. Good for you. Good job. My yearly checkup.

Everybody should do that. That's right. I am a tuning fark as they put their hand in my ass and make sure that my prostate is good. No, they don't do that anymore. Actually, they don't do that anymore. But I don't know if I've told you this, and maybe I have. I have a problem whenever a phlebotomist, a nurse, a nurse's assistant, attack goes to get blood out of me. And that is that I don't have veins that are easily gettable or gettable at all. So anytime that someone has to stick me with a needle to get blood, it is an ordeal. It always is an ordeal.

Only the best of the best can get out of a vein in my arm. I've had them put in my hands. I've had people talk about putting them in my legs and my neck and my foot. My neck, listen to this. I go for a physical. I know like that. Yeah. Just like blood like just flying out of your neck. My neck, listen to this. I go for a physical. A picture, like a picture. I know, like the, yeah. Like a tube of blood.

Just like blood, like just flying out of my neck, right. There's like 17 arteries up there, like, you know, it's insane. I go for a physical, like six years ago, and I've got to get blood drawn, right? Sure. So, the lady at the doctor's office can't do it. She cannot find a vein. So, she says, please do me a favor, drink a bunch of water, come back first thing in the morning tomorrow. And I said, okay. And so, I come back and she's like, still can't do it. Sorry,

you're going to have to go to an actual phlebotomist at the hospital, right, or the medical center, whatever it is. So, I go to the medical center. There's a rather new young lady that's there and she is trying that's there, and she is trying to take my blood, and she is digging around my arm, digging around my arm, with a very large wheel. Digging, digging, digging. She's sticking it in, then she's moving it around, and then she's going out, and then she's coming back in, and then she's digging it around. I still have a scar from it right here. And so, eventually, she's getting so frustrated and I'm getting so irritated that... And I'm not fussy at her, I understand this is a challenge.

And she says, listen, I don't know, I might have to go in through your neck. And I'm like, going through my neck? What is this, train spotting? You're going to go in through my neck? You might as well stick a needle in my dick. I mean, what are you talking about? And so, finally, they got a more experienced phlebotomist who came in and was like, no, we ain't doing no next today. That ain't happening, honey.

No. She's like, let's do this a different way. And they finally, I think they put it in my hand or something like that. So I go in today and super sweet nurse and she's like, do you want the blood drawn before or after you see the doctor? Let me know.

And I said, well, listen, let's just go ahead and get it out of the way, because it's highly unlikely you'll find a vein the first time, and we will need to do this again, right? And so she says, uh-uh, honey, I don't play that game. I don't play hide and seek with your veins. If I can't find it, you're going to drink a bunch of water, you'll come back tomorrow. Or I'll be here all day, you can come back later or whatever. And I'm like, okay, good. And so she puts a pillow under my arm. She asked me to straighten my arm, make a fist,

put ties that goddamn heroin thing around my fucking veins. And then she's feeling around, feeling around, feeling around. She's like, okay, I think I see one, it's tiny. So let me get a smaller needle. She puts it on. She goes, they'll take a little longer for the blood to come out.

But if we get a good vein, then we should have good flow. And I'm just thinking to myself, oh, okay a little longer for the blood to come out, but if we get a good vein, then we should have good flow. And I'm just thinking to myself, oh, okay, good flow, good blood. It's just all kind of crazy. She sticks that needle in so slowly, it burns so much. She sticks it in so slowly and then she's pulling it, pushing it, pulling it, pushing it, trying to get it to like have a good stream. Like she's trying to find the vein, get the, get the thing in there.

And so finally, like, so now we're working together, right? She's holding my arm. She's got both hands like this. She's got that, you know, the little, like, the little vials, right? And they have a little rubber thing on top of them, and then you stick it into the topper, and then it pulls the blood out, or gives the, that's where the blood goes. So, I'm helping her with my free hand, like, put the stopper in there so that she can like keep it where it is. She's like, cause I think I got it. I think I got it. You can see the blood running through the tube. She, I popped that thing on there and Chrissy, it's as if it's literally as if, uh,

I had drank 12 beers and I hadn't pissed in two days. Wow. It was like It's gushing out. I mean like rides all over the inside of the bottle. It's filling so fast You're like take it out. Take it out. Take it out. I'm like, ah She's like quick get the other one before we lose it take it out. Take it out. Take it out Oh my god found it. She found it six huge But like the bigger vials than three little vials, she had taken like a pint of blood for me. Pint, pint, I don't know how much it was,

but it had to have been a lot. It was a lot, yeah. Because I kept putting them on the table for her, like putting her in the carrier for her, and I was like, that's a lot of fucking blood. Blood is really fucking red. I mean, it's really, really red. So she finally gets to the last one and then she does this whole thing.

Somehow, someway, when she goes to take the last thing out, the tube disconnects from the, the tube disconnects from the end of this little bottle. And there's blood just spitting out. Oh, God. Everywhere. It's on the floor. It's on the pillow, it's on her hands. And I'm like, oh my God, poor lady. I said, listen, you know, she goes, listen, first of all, I'm not splitting my paycheck with you just because you helped me. She goes, I got to pay bills. She's like, second of all, she goes, you may not be able to find a vein in your arm, but when you do, it's a gusher. She's like, you got gushers. And I was like, oh.

It's like a well, you went down deep. That's right. So, doctor comes in, you know, she's, it's a new doctor to me. My old doctor moved off to a different practice, a different place. And I really liked him because he was really thorough. And I hate doctors that come in, they assess you immediately. They're like, yep, you have the flu here, take this bite. Or, yep, you know, yeah, you had a heart attack, but it'll be all right, buddy, and patch you on the back and send you on your way. I want somebody who's got a little bit more depth to them. They're going to try and get to the bottom. Don't just medicate me. Let's figure out what's going on. Run some tests or do some things or whatever. So this new doctor is wonderful. She's lovely. She's going through

all the checklists, asking about my history, anything that's wrong, whatever. Squeezing your balls. through all the checklists, asking about my history, anything that's wrong, whatever. Squeezing your balls. Yeah, squeezing my balls. But, you know, anyway. So she goes, well, you're of a certain age, so we're going to do your prostate, of course. Do you want to get, I can order it. Do you want to get your testosterone checked? And I said, yeah, actually I do. I said, I want to get my T checked. Why not? Because I have had friends, I you want to get your testosterone checked? And I said, yeah, actually I do. I said, I want to get my T checked, why not? Because I have had friends, I had friends in their 30s

who got their T checked because they were feeling a certain kind of way or not feeling a certain kind of way and they needed some extra T, you know what I'm saying? Now I don't know if I do hormone replacement therapy, but whatever, get my T checked, why not? Let's see what's happening. Let's see what the deal is. Am I in the good sweet spot?

Cause I've been telling Chrissy, like there's been some afternoons the last couple of months. I can't keep my fucking eyes open. But I also do have three very small children. Exactly, there's a lot going on. And I don't really like, and I would be honest about this, but it's not my libido.

Like I'm also not 21. I'm not running around like jizzing all over everything. Humping couches. Yeah, I'm also not 21. I'm not running around like, jizzing all over everything. Humping couches. Yeah, I'm not fucking couches. Anymore. I don't think there's any couches out there, at least in the last decade, that have to worry about me. But I'm also not like some other folks I've spoken to, having issues with libido or erections or anything like that. And so

she starts asking me these series of questions. And she's like, so tell me about your morning wood. And I was like, tell me about your morning wood. Is that what a doctor says? Is that the technical term? Is that what a female doctor, probably a decade younger than I do, say, is that how you approach it? That's what I ask her. I go, is that morning wood? Is that a technical term? Is that in the book? And she goes, no, but you know, she goes, she goes, I could say erection, but we all know what it is. And she's like, I don't know, erection sounds, morning wood sounds better. I'm like, I'm not really sure coming from a doctor if morning wood or erection sounds better. Actually, I think I

would prefer erection if you don't mind. Let's get clinical in here, doc. And she's like, so how's your morning erections? How's your morning woods doing? And I'm like, I got morning woods, I got my morning woods, I like it, it feels good, it's hard. I don't get it every morning like I used to, but a couple times a week I got that morning wood. And she's like, good, good, that's a good sign. And she's like, and your woods are fully rigid and hard and standing up straight. And I'm like, okay, can we, can we drop, then at that point I go, can we drop the wood? Can we go back to the erection? Because I think I like that better.

Because now I feel like you're trying to replicate us having a beer, like buds having a beer. How's your wood? Yeah. And I said, and I don't ever think I've had a conversation about the woods, right? So she says, okay, well, how's your erections? They're rigid, they're hard. They're... I take why Brian 3000.

And that's what I said. I said, well, if you're asking, I don't do any why Brian 3000! The special cream to make you hard and get you horny. Oh yeah, your wife's gonna be make you hard and get you horny. Oh yeah, your wife's gonna be begging for mercy when you put this dream right on your ball sack. They cause irritation, possibly death. Maybe you have three eyeballs, your children may die. Don't worry about it.

WHY BRY A 3000? I'll keep you hard. You'll be nailing in drywall. Uh... Thank you. You'll be fucking the tailpipe of your car when Rybriah 3000 kicks in full way. And I was like, hey, listen, yeah, I think I'm good.

I think I'm good. I think I got that good, good juju going. I got that good, good wood in the morning. Good, good wood in the morning. And she says, good, well, let me tell you something. I really think that if you had low T, those two things would be problematic. And she goes, because that's the number one sign of low T and almost everyone who has low T has those two symptoms. She's like, it's very rare that someone has low tea and strong morning wood and strong wood wood, right? Just regular wood.

Not any time of the day, wood. Just wood. And I go, oh, okay, all right, so good. So, I probably don't have, you know, I got strong wood, good, good. I got good, good wood. So, I guess I'm good on the low tea, right? And she goes, 99% of the time you're good on the low tea, but I'll test it anyway. Yeah, yeah, might as well. So, I'll let you know, I'll follow up on my wood. I'll follow up on my wood. I'll let you know how I'm doing.

I can't wait to hear the follow up. Morning Wood. I just was taken aback when she said that. I was like, Morning Wood, okay. I know. I think I've told you before that's when our kids were younger that we happened to see the phone search and that they had asked, what is morning wood?

Oh, really? Like in middle school or something, we were like, oh, we're hearing about morning wood. Yeah, it's an unavoidable, it's one of those unavoidable things. Morning wood is slightly irritating, but I would say that it's like not the worst thing in the world, because usually anybody who

would notice your morning wood is someone that you would want to notice your morning wood. Right. Like, you know, big strong man with his morning, big strong morning wood. And morning wood really 90% of the time has less to do with being horny, and it can have to do with being horny, but it less has to do with being horny and more having to do with having to pee, right? It's just really you have to pee. Your bladder starts filling

up and then, you know, I don't know what happens and blood goes down there and then you get a big, a big morning. So, you know, yeah, I mean, listen, being a guy is relatively easy. You know, we don't bleed anywhere. We don't have menopause. We don't have to be pregnant or anything like that. You don't have tender breasts or any of that other shit. But we do have morning wood. So we have morning wood and then there's a period of life where you just have like random wood.

And random wood is the worst. Because when you get random wood, it can be taken in really the wrong way. You know? Especially like at a doctor's office or a massage parlor or strip gym. Or as you're going down the rope in the gym. Oh yes.

I told you that story. I did. I was like, no, no, I'm good. I'll stay up here. I can't come down. I can't come down. It won't go down. I can't come down. There's no down. It's only up in In the good news department, I don't have low T. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back. You already know who it is. Christina here to keep you actually informed, unlike some people we know, Brian. I've got certified, verified factual information about our Florida shows, so listen up. We are coming to Dania Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th and The Funny Bone in Orlando

on Wednesday, September 25th. And links to those tickets are in the show notes, so go get them. In other completely new and interesting news, you should follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And of course, go to our website, TCBpodcast.com for all of our audio and video content. And finally, if you want to tell Brian and Chrissy that I am a pretty, pretty princess or that you hate me, text us or leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822.

Bye. Yeah, that's funny. I saw that too. There's a lawsuit. I mean, this just goes to show, and this is really shitty because it's a tough situation. And I can understand that there's a lot of grief and grieving going on here. But Chrissy and I are seeing it like a ticker on the bottom of a news channel. And it says Disney lawsuit, Disney Plus subscription.

And the lawsuit is that a man claims that Disney signed on behalf of his wife or consented to the Disney Plus terms of service, even after she had passed, after she had died. So now he's suing Disney for like millions of dollars because, you know, he claims that they tried to represent that his wife was alive when she wasn't. For the subscription number? Yeah, no, like, like they updated their Terms of Service on his wife, on they had, his wife had an account. They updated the terms of service.

And then the terms of service were clicked that I agreed to the terms of service, even though his wife wasn't alive. They're claiming, he's claiming that they did that on her behalf. Like they just auto like populated that. And even though she was dead. And listen, I understand you're grieving

and you want to lash out and, but this just looks like it might be a paycheck play for, you know, come on. Well, I'm confused. The wife died but had the Disney Plus subscription, which cost like what? $14.99 a month. Yeah, and then it auto-renewed or it got?

They updated their terms. I think, I just heard about this this morning. They updated their terms of service. They updated their terms of service. They updated their terms of service by which you have to read through, click, I agree, and then press continue. And everybody always reads through all of those terms. Absolutely, terms of service is great reading.

I mean, you know, when you're having a, I don't know, when you're on a like date night, Friday night, you said, hey babe, let's go to, you know, I don't know, 10, 10 down the street, get our favorite sushi and then go home and read Terms of Service. Disney Plus updated their Terms of Service. Let's get some Y Brian 3000, get some subscription wood,

some TOS wood. But the poor guy is claiming that Disney agreed on her behalf, even though she was dead. And that's tough. You know, she passed and they were rather young. That's tough, but she was dead. And that's tough, you know, she passed and they were rather young. That's tough, but I don't know that that's a reason to sue. And that's part, I think part of what, in my opinion,

part of what this country could use is some tort reform, because there are good reasons to sue somebody, but any reason under the sun is not a good reason to sue somebody. And that is currently how the law is. You can literally sue anybody for any reason under the sun is not a good reason to sue somebody. And that is currently how the law is. You can literally sue anybody for any reason. And that seems a little silly. It jams up the court systems. It makes sure that we're constantly churning out more lawyers. And not that lawyer is not a, I think it's a noble profession in a lot of ways, but then there's

not, there's some lawyers like any profession, like the commercial break where there's just idiots involved, right? And so I just don't know about this one. It feels like a play for money. Or the bad lawyers of podcasting. Or the ambulance chasers of podcasting. I'm sure a lot of people would agree. Oh my gosh.

Remind me to tell you something off air about the ambulance chasers of podcasts. So anyway, it just seems like are you really gonna sue Disney for a large amount of money because somebody updated Terms of Service and it got clicked somehow? Like is that nefarious? Is that a glitch? Is that Disney just trying to get $14.99 out of your poor, passed away wife? I mean, I don't know, but that the thing is- We'll have to follow the story closely. I think there's two kinds of people on this earth when it comes to the law. There are people who see a legitimate wrong and use the court system to figure it out.

That could include monetary damages. And then there are people who are looking for something wrong, anything wrong, so that they can sue somebody. It was like that guy, remember there was the dude who was sued Taco Bell because Taco Bell didn't put the kind of cheese that they showed on the commercial inside of their nacho grande or some shit. Yeah, I mean, come on, really, honestly, are you sue Madonna for a million dollars for being late to her concert?

You knew she was gonna be late to her concert. It's literally all people talk about when they go to a Madonna concert. Now, I can understand that being late, you know, you get your money back. Like if she's four hours late, get your money back for the ticket and maybe some babysitting cash.

But suing for millions of dollars, that seems just like you're just trying to find a payday. Right? And maybe, I don't know, maybe that's a legitimate reason. Here's what I'll say is not very funny at all. Is this Matthew Perry situation. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, I can't even believe what you told me earlier because I just read the headline that they had charged the doctor and the assistant.

Okay, so two doctors have been charged, Matthew Perry's live-in assistant and someone referred to as the Ketamine Queen. They essentially have busted a large underground drug ring that catered in some cases to celebrities in Hollywood. Matthew Perry died from drowning, but what he really died from, like the underlying reason why he drowned is because he had ketamine intoxication, severe ketamine intoxication. They said that he had enough ketamine in his blood when he passed away that general anesthesia would be the level of ketamine that he would have in his body. General fucking anesthesia. Like when they crack your heart open for open heart surgery, that kind of level of general anesthesia. That is first of all insane. Second of all, it's sad.

And third of all, it's, and Christy and I were talking about it, there's some drugs that are recreational. There are some drugs that I just don't think should ever be recreational. And ketamine, I think, comes as close as any of them. Ayahuasca, Ibogaine, PCP. Like there's just some drugs

that you shouldn't take recreationally, even if you know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah, just for like a spur of the moment, let's party. Yeah, because the veil is thin with these drugs. It really is. And Matthew Perry, he had taken ketamine for a long time for therapy, therapeutic uses under a doctor's care. And it can be used for that and have very great results. I told you that our friend who had the suicide disease,

which is trigeminal neuralgia, which is the nerve that runs through your head, through your face, like along your jawline and into your eye sockets and all that, it gets, you get knocked around or something happens and there's pressure on that nerve and you get pain and there are a lot of people who get this disease and they commit suicide because it's so bad. It's that bad. It's worse than, you know, cluster headaches or migraines. And he had it. And one

of the things that they prescribed him, and this was a decade plus ago, like when this was first becoming used in medical purposes, he got nasally injected, like a nasal spray, ketamine. And it helped. It helped him. But it was, we're talking very small amounts that he would, you know, squirt up his nose. Matthew Perry had been under the care of a doctor doing this for therapy, but the therapist told him at some point, no more. You can only do this for a certain period of time, plus I suspect that you're doing other drugs. I can't be narcotically treating you when I think you're using narcotic medications or drugs outside of this clinic because what the fuck am I going to do if you come in here one day high on a bunch of opiate pain medication and I give you a dose and then you die because

the combination is, you know, there's a counter indication. So he had been off the doctor's care ketamine, he had been off that for a couple of weeks, and so he went looking for it somewhere else and he asked his assistant, according to these charges that came out very recently. So he asks his assistant for it and his assistant goes to the street, finds the ketamine queen who then calls a medic who then calls a doctor. That doctor is illegally prescribing ketamine to get onto the streets and that doctor texted back that medic, I wonder how much this moron will pay. I wonder how much this moron will pay.

That's awful. That's the other reason why some drugs shouldn't be used recreationally, because you don't know where or who the fuck you're getting them from at the end of the day. And if you think for a fucking second, they give a shit about your well-being, they do not. Once that shit gets handed off, it's out of sight, out of mind. They don't care how it's used. They don't care when it's used.

They just want the money. I'm not here preaching you shouldn't do drugs. I have done almost all of them. I mean, honestly, I've done more than my fair share. Do what you're going to do with yourself. But just, I mean, I just think that I should be aware, you should be aware, you know, people that I love should be aware that the drug game ain't quite what it used to be, first of all. And second of all, some of these drugs that people take recreationally, in my day, we never thought about them as recreational drugs. Never. I've done ketamine. I've been in a K-hole. It's fucked up, man. You'll be lucky to know your own name, let alone how to swim. I mean,

it's a terrible, terrible thing. And while I don't believe in the war on drugs, in this particular case, I do think someone needs to be punished, especially when they're texting things like, I wonder how much this moron will pay. Of course. Yeah. Now they're responsible. You saw a big old fucking, you know, train of money coming down the tracks and you were wondering how much you could get out of him. That's really insensitive and insane. And I hope that particular doctor, he certainly gets his license taken away from him, but I hope he goes to jail. I really do. I do too.

Yeah. And that assistant apparently avoided 15 years of jail by snitching on everyone else. Oh, cut a deal. Yeah, he cut a deal. But you know, if he was getting Matthew Perry ketamine, and some people have said publicly, some celebrity friends have said publicly, that Matthew was not sober at the time of his death. Like, he claimed he was sober, but they claimed he was not. Some people have claimed that he was not sober, that they had seen him in different states of intoxication, especially the last couple of weeks leading up to his death. If you're

his live-in assistant and you know he's got a problem and then you're feeding that problem to make a couple extra bucks here or there, that's just wrong-headed. That's just wrong-headed. There's one thing that I have learned about addiction through my own struggles and struggles with people that I love. I will not enable. I just won't. Like, if you want to kill yourself, if you want to kill yourself, fine, but I won't help you kill yourself. That's just not gonna happen. Because if you're using, if you're taking a couple of gummies here and there, or you're blowing a couple rails over the weekend

once, twice a year, whatever, dude, cool, you're having a good time. If you've got a straight up problem and then you're coming to me and asking me to help you get it or give me money or whatever, no, I'll feed you a hot meal. I'll give you another episode of the commercial break, because that's what everybody's looking for. I'll even give you free tickets to my live show.

Chicken soup for the soul. Chicken soup for the soul. But I won't help you kill yourself. But you know, that's just grandpa thinking and I'll be a grandpa soon. So girl, you'll be a grandma soon. I hate to end on a downer, but I wanted to talk about it because I thought it was like so fucked up that that was said. It is fucked up.

So sad. Gone too soon. As many of the, as many celebrities are. And this is the reason why. It's because they get what the fuck they want. No matter what. That Michael Jackson was getting straight up juju juice into his arms. Like night after night after night, he was paying that doctor like $10,000 a day.

That's insane. But I guess he had the money to do it, huh? I guess so. Now no one's ever also offered me $10,000 a day to help them get juju juice at the end of the night. I've never been preside, yeah, I've never been presided with that challenge. So I say I wouldn't enable anybody,

but maybe just a couple months. Maybe just to pay off this AmEx. Yeah, just to pay off a couple things. That's right. All right, but just until I pay off the chase. I love it. I love you. All right, come to our live shows. The 24th at Dania Beach Improv. 25th at the Bone in Orlando. We can't wait to see you.

Tickets available by clicking the links in the show notes here. That'll take you straight to the website where you can buy tickets. Or you can go to the Funny Bone Orlando's website or the Dania Beach Improvs website and get the tickets there. Don't go nowhere else. Get your tickets here. What else? What else do I have to say? 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822.

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add the commercial break on Instagram TCB podcast on Tik TOK and if you would if you could if you don't mind go to youtube.com slash the commercial break. All the interviews and selected episodes and clips. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I gotta go build my blood reserves back up. I love you. You need to rest up.

I love you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say, goodbye. and we must say goodbye Thanks for watching!