The Commercial Break - Huckin' Buckin' Forest Quantum Witch

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

Episode #595: It’s a rubbin’ tuggin’ Huckin’ Buckin’ good time today at TCB because we have a Mountain Monsters episode to review!! The Rusty Nail Another shocking story from Bryan’s past Mountain Monsters!!!!!! The Raven Mocker! A rub n’ tug for Huck Southern sayings Keep your eyes open, dammit Huck n’ Buck got punked The Forest Quantum Witch :O Ignore the fresh kill! Ah, yes, the fire breathing raven mocker Who goes there?! The Breath Of A Thousand Asses Jeff? Jeth? Billy’s black eyes Come To Our Shows: Dania Beach Improv (Tuesday, Sept. 24th) The Funny Bone Orlando (Wednesday, Sept. 25th) Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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and laughed with them and cried with them and screamed with them and became just feral fucking animals in the jungle in Costa Rica. And I feel so good. So go masturbate with your friends. On this episode of the commercial break. We're in for the final night of hunting. I'm the forest quantum witch. Ooh. The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

Boo! Boo! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Tommy to my Tang, Kristen Joy. Hopefully best to you, Kristen.. Hopefully best to you, Kristen. Oh, best to you, Brian. Maybe a Tangs.

Maybe a Tangs. Best to you. We just got bad contangs. Oh, yeah. We had a Tang twang. You know what a Tang twang is? It's a Cosmopolitan with orange juice. It's a Tang twang.

Oh, I love it. A little Roe Shambo, baby. Roe Shambo. Oh, how I wish. How I wish we had been graced with the knowledge or the presence of a Tommy Tangs within 20 miles of us. I know. We did a little bit more digging after hearing about Tommy Tangs and what a great date night spot it was. Hey, listen, everybody liked the Tang.

Everybody was out of the Tangs. Yeah. I guess he's a famous Thai chef and he opened his own spot out in LA on Melrose. And they used to say, Tuesday at Twangs, Tangs, baby, meet Tuesday at Tangs. Let's go. Let's hit it. We would have said that. We would have been every day at Tangs.

Oh, man, I would have been at Tangs. You would have. God, fuck, man. I love Tangs. You know there were a couple of people that were total regulars at that bar. Oh, you know there were a lot more than a couple people. There were a bunch of out of work actors and actresses and guys who had made like B movies,

like directors of B movies back in the 70s who just found themselves bellied up to the Tang bar. Yep. To the Tang bar top and just hanging out, regaling people with stories of old Hollywood. I mean Tangs just I can only imagine I bet that place that the walls could talk. I want to hear about things. Is there a documentary about Tangs? Everything is a documentary I think I have a documentary. I I need a documentary about Tommy Tangs Chrissy I'm just so disappointed that I never got to a Tangs. I mean, really, I've been to the Rusty Nail though,

and the Rusty Nail might be a good substitute for Tommy Tangs. That place finally closed, geez. It did, yeah, the one here on Roswell Road in Atlanta. Is the one out on Beaufort Highway still open? Or not Beaufort, whatever that is. Yeah, I think it's Beaufort Highway. Oh, I thought there was just one.

No, there's two of them. The Roswell Road one, I thought there was just one. No, there's two of them. The Roswell Road one, I believe was the original. That opened in the seventies, eighties. Had to be. Had to be. Because when you walk in there, the Rusty Nail was the diviest of dive bars. Some people will claim that Northside Tavern is the diviest of dive bars. But Northside Tavern in its own way is cosmopolitan.

Yeah, they have live music and- Eric Clapton has played that. It's not that divey, right? It's a dive bar, no doubt. And it's like, you're listening to some of the greatest musicians on earth make their way to Northside Tavern. But there's pool tables in the middle of the dance floor.

I mean, and there's a bar that barely looks like a bar. It looks like someone built it with their own two hands on a Saturday afternoon. I think that's what it is. Of old, scraps from the back of a Home Depot. The bathrooms are crazy. There's graffiti everywhere. It's terrible. But it's kind of their thing.

It's their thing. It's their thing. The Rusty Nail was just... The Rusty Nail just got that way. Not because of good music, but because of really bad cover music. Did they have live bands then? Oh yes!

What? At the nail? Shit. Yeah. They used to put them right on the patio. It had the circular bar, right? It did have a circular bar. Yeah.

Rachel and I bellied up to that bar one time. I can't think of how many hours of my life I wasted at the rusty nail. Yeah. But you know, like- Smoking, drinking. Smoking, drinking, drugging, doing whatever. Listen, I've said this about a number of places in Atlanta, and it remains true about all those places.

Club Anytime, Backstreet, and the Rusty Nail, and the Speakeasy that used to be here in Buckhead. There are only two reasons to go to the Rusty Nail. You had drugs or you needed them. That was it. That was the only two reasons to go. But once you got, like, once you kind of got in the, and it was also very clickish. Like there were people who

were hardcore nail heads. You know what I'm saying? They were the head of the nail. I mean, they were like the hammers. They were. And if those bar seats were almost reserved, basically reserved, and there was a couple of open randos and you had to work, you had to earn your way into a bar seat because it didn't matter what time you went there. If you went there at 12 fucking 30 on a Tuesday afternoon, the people who had reserved bar seats were already there drinking. And there was one lady and I'll never forget, I won't say her name here, God rest her soul if she's still alive, I think she passed away. She was in her late sixties and she was the head blow dealer for the Rusty now.

And I think to a large extent the manager, the general manager, has put up with it because she knew, like everybody knew, there's no way a place like this survives unless there's a cocaine dealer in here. No way, no way people would go in there for no reason. It was, I mean, I don't know. I think at one point, the cushions on the, whatever you call them, the boots were made purely of fry grease, spilled Yeager, cocaine, and cigarette smoke. It was like literally, that was the place. The carpets had never been changed. The walls had never been changed. It used to be, they didn't do this by the time I started getting there, but when they first opened, all of the walls were wood. There was wood paneling on the inside of it. And at each table, they would have a wood

burner, like one of those things where you could carve your name into the wood with a hot gun. It's just like a thing that would heat up to, you know, the surface temperature of the sun, and then you just burn your name into it. So no matter where you sat, there was always something had been written by somebody. And then people just started using markers after a while. But they had dart boards that had never been changed. Like you'd throw the dart and it would just fall. It'd go right into the bullseye, but it'd just fall down because there were a million holes in the middle of it. Never changed it.

They had, of course, they had one of those whatever, not Topgolf, but you know, Golf Pro, whatever that fucking game is. Yeah, yeah, what was that? Tea, golden tea. Golden tea, that's right. Golden tea, and that was a hot ticket. If you could manage to scoot your way into the golden tea,

you'd be there for days because you were coked up and nothing better to do. Exactly. Right, but that girl, that lady at the end of the bar. There was a bar in Nashville that was very similar. Yeah. But it was tiny too. It was like a thousand square feet. There were like five booths, four tables in the middle, and that's two bar tops, two bar

tables, and then that circular bar that maybe sat 20 people, maybe sat 20 people. And then there was a couple of televisions and those televisions were the furthest thing from flat screen you had ever seen. They still had UHF dials on them. You could tune in UHF channels on those things. And so you'd have to work your way into the respect of the people who were there. Yeah, you would. Or you'd walk in there and people would look at you strange. They would, they'd be like, who's this kid? And when you were young, they'd look at you a certain way, but eventually you'd get an introduction to the dealer at the, you know, you'd have to like go through other people

and then eventually you'd get the introduction to the actual lady and then you could just kind of go up and talk to her yourself. But this went on for years and years and years. I'll never forget there was a guy who would, when we worked at the restaurant across the street from the Rusty Nail, the Trattoria, the Italian restaurant. Gian di Classico. Gian di Classico. We had a bar manager there. We had a manager there, not a bar manager, but a general manager.

Okay. So look, I'm sorry, I was looking at Rusty Nail while you were talking and they closed, they were open for 50 years. So they did open in the 70s. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. After 50 years on Beaufort Highway. Okay.

And then they closed the one in Roswell, and I think that one was open probably equally as long. So when we worked at that trattoria, there was a manager there. His name was Mike, and he was this slick talking guy from Chicago, mustache and everything, salt and pepper hair, kind of like diminutive small guy, but he was a sober guy. He had been sober for like 10 years and he was like hardcore sober, like preaching the AA thing all the way, you know, ah, you kids are going to get yourself in, you know, you guys are going to get yourself in trouble

running all around like that. And we'd be like, okay, okay, whatever. He fell off the wagon one time. Oh no. It fell off the wagon and we found him at the nail. And he was just fucking twacked. I mean, he was just like, like literally papered onto one of those bar stools. And we were like, Oh shit. Well, you know, but we were young. Mike, what are you doing, dude? He's like, ah, fucking, you know, relapse is part of recovery. That's the way it goes. Relapse is part of recovery. You don't worry

about it. You know, I got it. Don't worry. I'll be sober in a couple days. Okay. So, this bender went on for quite some time, like a couple weeks. It was a bender. He'd come in hammered at work. He'd be drinking behind the bar. He'd go back to the nail. He had a wife and kids too. Drove around a Lincoln town car. That's the kind of guy this was, right? Always dressed nice, smoked, never without a cigarette in his mouth, like, just classic Chicago guy, Chicago guy. And one time I was staying, I was living with these dancers, these strippers. I was living with these dancers, I had just moved in a couple of weeks ago. It's like four, five in the morning and the phone rings. And we're up, Of course, we're up. We're up. Phone rings. One of the dancers

answers it and she goes, Brian, it's for you. And I had just moved in, so I didn't even know anybody knew the number. And I was like, hello? Ready? Hey there, Ryan. It's Mike. Oh, hey, man. Hey, man. Listen, how you doing? Yeah, I'm good. How'd you get this number? Ah, one of your friends gave it to me and just giving you a call. Okay, thanks Mike. Hey listen, you don't alright? Yeah, you just asked me that. Is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm okay. You okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Alright, cool. Listen, you remember how one time you told me you could get like a couple pounds of cocaine from somebody? No. You remember how one time you told me you could get like a couple pounds of cocaine from somebody? No.

Yeah, remember we were talking that one time you told me you could get me a couple pounds of cocaine? All I had to do was like call you and you figure it out for me? No, Mike, I don't ever recall telling you that I could get you any amount of cocaine, let alone pounds of cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember we had to nail that one time and you said there was that girl at the bar and she could, you know, she hooked you with us a couple pounds of cocaine No, I don't so you've never done cocaine. You don't you don't buy or sell cocaine No, I don't Okay, all right. Well listen try and make some calls for me. You call me back at this number. They've given me a number and

Exactly and I hang up the phone and I'm like what the fuck was that? this number. And he's like, giving me a number. And, uh, exactly. And I hang up the phone and I'm like, what the fuck was that? So I tell the girls what just happened and they're like, he got busted and he's trying to roll over on somebody. He's trying to roll over on you. And I was like, Whoa, people really hate me. That's fucked up. That's fucked up. Oh my God. Never told the guy any of the sort.

Yeah. Never did drugs with the guy. I worked for him. He was my general manager. I wasn't even that stupid. I mean, I did, of course I did drugs with general managers, but not this one because he had been sober for so many years.

We all felt like it was like a crime against humanity to like egg him on. You know what I'm saying? We had some empathy in our hearts. And so, and I also knew he had a wife and kids. I had met his wife and I was like, you know, I just, we never even went there. We'd see him at the bar. He was all twacked out. We'd feel bad for him. And then we'd go work a shift and come back and whatever. But this guy tried to rope me one time. He tried to fucking rope me. Meanwhile, he was supposed to work the very next day. He never showed back up to work ever when questioned

The owner was like, I don't know like Tony even did the Tino Venturi was like, yeah, I don't know I don't know I get a phone call in the middle of the night and he says I don't come into work anymore I don't know. I was like, wow. Wow Was it a collect call? That's all, that's what I, that was it, never knew what happened to Mike, never followed up, no one ever heard from him, nothing. Somebody one time came in that supposedly had known him

and said he had moved back to Chicago. And I just never believed it, I never believed it. But I think he tried to roll on me one night, tried to get me- That's crazy. Yeah, tried to get me to say something incriminating so that hopefully he could let himself get out of the- Get out of the-

Whatever situation he had happened to be in and I was like, wow. And the strange thing was, the phone number that he had given me was not his phone number and I knew his phone number because we had, you know, back then you knew people's phone numbers. You did. That's just what you did, right? Yep, you did. You had it somewhere in a little black book or whatever, a stencil pad or you had your book of phone numbers or you just knew people you would call frequently. You know it, it'd be like 7-7-2-3-3-4-5-6. Anyway, I hope you're doing well out there, Mike.

If you're listening, I hope you're doing well. Thanks for your fucking shithead for trying to roll a 22 year old kid who had nothing to do with your life. But anyway. I'm glad you didn't even say yes, I think I know where I could get some. Exactly. I think I knew I was telling the truth. I had never had that conversation and I had never told him that I was doing drugs,

had drugs, could get him drugs. Never. I mean, the reality was, the reality was I was not a drug dealer. Had I been a drug dealer, I would have done all my drugs. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I think one time I tried to deal something, but I just ended up doing it all.

Every person who's been into drugs for long enough eventually becomes a drug dealer for like a day. And then you're like, I just did all my profit. It doesn't work out. It never works out. Drug dealers have to be really disciplined about what they do if they're going to be good at it. But it's 2024. Maybe you don't have to be really disciplined about what they do if they're going to be good at it. But it's 2024, maybe you don't have to be so disciplined about it anymore.

No one gives a shit anymore. But back then, back then, when we're talking about this time, this period of America, everything was still illegal. You could not be smoking weed riding down I-85 every third car. Oh my God. I walked up to Starbucks today. The entire time is just a trail of tears or the pot smoke. I can smell it everywhere.

I'm like, oh my God, everyone is smoking fucking weed. I was just walking down the street and all of a sudden I smelled it. I don't understand why it's not legal here yet. I really don't know why we haven't had a referendum on this. Medical marijuana is not even legal in the state. Not THC. Nope. Hemp is. I think there are some random, like really stringent circumstances where a doctor can get some kind of medical grade

marijuana, but you have to be like dying of cancer for that. It's not like glaucoma, like you walk into California. I remember I was in LA and it was like, you know, get your doctor's card here. And I was talking to somebody and they were like, you don't need a doctor's card, dude. It's perfectly legal. And I was like, well, then why do they have that? And he's like, well, some people think it's easier to go through those kinds of dispensaries, like to go through the medical dispensaries than it is to just walk in and buy weed. And he's like, but really, it's just a $50 ripoff. Doctor says, are you anxious? Yes, I'm always, you know, who's not anxious? Everyone's anxious. I write. Yeah.

Yeah. Having trouble sleeping? Yeah. Anxious? Right. I bet that was a good gig for a doctor while you could get it, when it was just recreational, you know, pharmaceutical marijuana. Yeah. And everybody needed a card. Because if you remember, that was just 10 years ago,

everybody had a card. Everybody I knew had a card. Anyway, speaking of cards, get your Halloween cards. Halloween's coming up soon. I can already see the decorations going up. And I'm so fucking sick. I'm so excited. I mean, if I could, I would put them up next week.

Right after Labor Day. Your decorations, your Halloween decorations, why don't you put them up after Labor Day? I think I will. Fucking Walmart is, why don't you? I mean, honestly. That I will. You know what I'm saying?

Like Home Depot already has them out. I can already see the Halloween balloons at my local grocery store. It's fucking insane. One of my kids is already bothering me about getting Halloween candy, and I'm like, no. Candy, candy! It's not, it's, oh God. This year we're trading candy for a toy. Halloween candy and I'm like, no. Candy. Candy!

This year we're trading candy for a toy. You give me 20 pieces of candy, I'll give you a $10 toy. Oh, a little negotiation there. Yeah, it's too much. We have this parade. There's so much candy. Oh, there's so much fucking candy and it lasts for months. I know, my nephews, I remember them last year around this time in the Halloween and candy!

Uh-huh. Candy! Ah! As soon as they come home from school, candy! Yeah, I know why Halloween is like all monsters and ghouls and goblins is because children literally turn into monsters and goblins when you give them fucking candy.

It's ridiculous, they're little monsters, that's what they are. All right, speaking of monsters, we've had a couple of requests. I know it's been a while. We are doing, just to give you like some insight, because Chrissy and I are going to be traveling to Florida this month and then doing some traveling later on down the road. We are doing some episodes that we are recording now, but are airing later. So we're going to do a couple extra video episodes because that way we don't

get stuck telling you about a news story That is six months old by the time that you hear it Hey, guess what Ben and Jen have broken up Justin Timberlake just got arrested for DUI. It's crazy And then you're like what the fuck are these two talking about so we're trying to keep it We're trying to keep it timely while not getting, well, actually getting far ahead of ourselves. And so, since we've had a bunch of requests, since so many of you say that you love these episodes, we'll do them. Let's

break down a Mountain Monsters episode. It's been so long, but we love them. And we know there's good times to be had with every Mountain Monster episode. Oh, God, every time. Every time is the best time. It's classic. Frankie B and Mountain Monsters, you can count on it. Every time, it's going to be classic. Teresa Caputo, 90% of the time.

Dating shows, 75% of the time. The weird people out there, strange addictions and stuff like that, 50% of the time. The old 50s educational films, Chrissy says 0% of the time. I say 30% of the time. Yeah. But you know there's a home run coming when we got a Mountain Monsters episode on deck and we do for you today.

So let's do this. Let's take a break and then we'll come back and we'll do a Mountain Monsters. Sounds good. We'll come back and we'll do a Mountain Monsters. Sounds good. Maybe we'll be back. Okay, you guys, I have an idea. Why don't we take a break? Gotcha. This is the break. And you already know when you hear my sexy voice, it's time to whip your phone

out and follow us on Instagram or skip the ads at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, you know, if you want to get involved, you can always give us a call or text us at 212-433-3TCB. That is 212-433-3822. And guess what? I finally have information on TCB live. So the links are in the show notes, but let me tell you right now, you can come see us at Daniel Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th,

or at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. It's gonna be fab. So go buy your tickets and we'll see you in Florida. So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I gonna go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple.

Starting small. That's trading on Kraken. Pick from over 190 assets and start with the 10 bucks in your pocket. Easy. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Hey there, I'm Kendra Adachi and my show, The Lazy Genius Podcast, helps you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't, and you get to decide what matters. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to give you a new way to see. Okay, we're back with Mountain Monsters on board.

We're ready to go. I'm not even gonna preface this. Let's just get the boys going. This is one of my favorite comedy shows on television today. Buck, Huck, Chuck and Fuck, all the guys are back. The gangs together. The gangs all together. By the way too, it's just to preface it,

it's a final night hunt. A final night of the hunt, as opposed to the beginning of the hunt. I imagine they're all filmed in the same night, but okay, whatever. Some just come flying through the air and laying in the brush or something up there. We're in Lee County, Virginia.

We're in Lee County, Kentucky slash Virginia slash Indiana. They're always in Lee County. They're never outside of Lee County. That's Huckleberry, Kentucky slash Virginia slash Indiana. They're always in Lee County Very he's had a security. Oh Huckleberry Huckleberry gained a few pounds. Did he not he did he not gain like a hundred pounds? He did peoples are still black as ever. Yeah, he's got the blackest eyes I have ever seen on a human being first of all did Huck just say or Chuck or whatever his name is Did he just say that something Chuck or whatever his name is, did he just say that something flew out of the air and landed right in front of him?

Why don't you go check out to see what it is? It just landed in front of you. Some just come flying through the air and landed in the brush or something up there. We're in Lee County, Virginia. We're going after the Raven Mocker. The Raven Mocker. Oh, the Raven Mocker.

I hate when those Ravens get mocked. They're so mean to the ravens, Chrissy. The Raven Mocker. Oh my God. Well, wait now. Here they're going to show us their animated... That's right. Here is the four-year-old's drawing of what a Raven Mocker would look like. Here's a huge Bigfoot, seven foot tall, 500 pounds, jet black fur... He's a big Bigfoot? Oh, he's a big Bigfoot. He's a big, big foot? Oh, he's a big, big foot. He's the biggest of the big. He's got extra teeth and white eyeballs.

He's very scary. It looks to me like a Halloween mask, doesn't it? Oh, absolutely. I got nothing. Guys, we gotta get moving. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell?

He is pointing that gun everywhere. Guys, we gotta get moving. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? He is pointing that gun everywhere. Oh, flying it around. Yeah, there is no gun safety on this show. No. What? What's the matter? Where's Alec Baldwin when you need him?

Sorry, that's a distasteful joke. I'll take that back. Maybe. Someone touched me again. There's nothing there. Where? Where? Where? I love how one of the guys was carrying a camera around

when there's 12 other camera angles. He might get something they don't. When this thing touched me on the shoulder, we all jumped around and started looking. Oh, did you see that? I did. That was the PA's hand coming. Hi, guys. Billy. Hey, snacks are ready that? I did. That was the PA's hand. Yes. Hi guys.

Billy. Hey, snacks are ready. Snack time. Snack time. I was just trying to give you a little massage. I sensed you were stressed. This is a pretty scary situation for everybody. You need a little rub and tug?

What's going on there, Huckleberry? We all jumped down there and started looking looking there's bar patches behind me thick brush on this side. You can't beat a goat through There's no dead. Why would I want to beat a goat? Who's beating the goat? This is like this lady at the yes fucking lab the other day I Got a pussy willow stuck in my crag hole. For this thing to go. Why can't we hear it?

Why can't we see it? Cause you're yelling so much. What the hell's going on in here? Something touches Huckleberry's back. There's nothing there. Something's playing games with us in these woods. Yeah, that huge big big foot is creeping around playing games with us in these woods yeah so yeah that huge big Hello? Bink! Shhh, shh, shh. I'm playing hide and seek with the mountain monsters.

I'm here from Hollywood. And I'm here to protect the mountain monsters. I'm a Ravenmocker. Ravenmocker. Shh, shh, shh. Don't tell them I'm here. It's been five years since I've seen Huckleberry and I'm going to jump in front of them, scare the shit out of them and then we're going to go on a date.

I hate to say it, but guys, we're not done here. We have to keep moving. I hate to say it, guys, but we're going to have to kill ourselves. I hate to say it, but we're going to have to walk into sure death for no reason whatsoever. No scientist has ever come with us on any of these. We've never recovered any actual evidence. We don't have one picture of any monsters, but we kind of keep going. You have to. The train's already rolling. Yeah, listen, I was born this way.

This, look at this here. Damn, look at that. Look at that. is here. Look at that. Look at that. That looks like a sign from Tommy Tangs. It's pointing us to the Tang. Right there you can see something humongous has slid down off the tank. Yeah, it was probably one of you. You've all gotten rather humongous. I'm just going to take a guess. We did see Woods' name going on his butt down the hill that time.

Oh yeah, that's right. Whatever his name is. Huck. There's Huck and the Huckleberry. Listen, guys, I've been trying to tell you about your unhealthy BMI for years. You got to slow down on the Doritos. Contraction and headed right up that trail. It had a contraction?

Is it pregnant? Tree bent over right there too. We're finding Bigfoot site everywhere. Right behind you. We know the Ravenmarkers in these woods. All we gotta do now is get them in that trap. Really? Really.

All we gotta do now is get them into that trap I done built just two hours ago with the help of special effects from Warner Brothers. Guys, keep your eyes open, dammit. Oh yeah, as if, what am I gonna do? Sleep walk through the hunt for the extra big Bigfoot, Bigfoot Extra, Bigfoot Senior. Close your eyes.

Close your eyes. Now, no, now's not a time to be fooling around. Keep your eyes open, damn it. He said damn it, as if people are falling asleep on the job. Eyes open, damn it. This thing's running around all over the place once tonight. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. God, what you got?

There's something up in that downed tree. There's something up in that tree. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, It's just pure tree. I'm tired of this game. Huckleberry, go to the right. Jeff, go to the left. I'm going right up the middle. Whatever's in there. I've got a brilliant idea. Let's split up. Yeah, that's always what they do. That way one of us will get murdered

followed by the other one, followed by the other one. We'll make it more difficult for him to murder us. We'll find out. All right, guys. Let's go. Be ready. I'm tired of this crap. We just heard something out. All right, guys, let's go. Be ready. Tired of this crap. We've heard something in this downed tree. Oh, he's getting pissed.

Yeah. I'm tired of this crap. I would be too if I was carrying an extra 400 pounds. I'd be tired of everything. I'd just be tired. He's a big boy. He is. And he really is.

He got so big. ...head of us. Whatever's in there, we're going to flush it out and see what it is. Keep your eyes open. What do you think these guys' home lives are like? I'm just wondering. What do you think? You think that they live moderately well from this television show?

I think so. Probably in whatever, in Lee County? Yeah. Well, I was going to say, in Lee County, they're very famous. They're very famous. Yeah, they got to be very famous in these backwoods. I would imagine each one has got a nice home with acreage. Maybe they even have cabinets with... Beth Dombkowski They got some ATVs.

Jared Sussman Yeah, under cabinet lighting. I bet that's a thing in one of their houses. They probably have the latest and greatest recliner where they watch a lot of television and eat a lot of food. And they probably, there's probably a local restaurant. I wonder where these guys live. I would be surprised to find out if they live in like Charlotte or downtown Atlanta or something like that. I'm imagining it's out in the sticks. I think so. Clear so far over here. Huck you got anything? No. What was that Jeff? Right over here somewhere. Buck? Buck. here somewhere buck where settle down buck geez you're always talking to me like that it's really starting to hurt my feelings it's like I'm doing something

wrong sound like right up there well yeah it's the other guy coming from the other direction you dumb shits you told to split up and come back around. Let's go to the left of it. All right. This is Buck. Where's Buck? Are you there? Buck, is that you?

I'm really scared. Buck, Buck. Buck. I'm really scared Hucklebird it's always inevitable one of them gets lost. I know weird encounter, but none of them none of the other ones see that's right Wow that was crazy. Yeah, he just swung around and pointed it right at his buddy. What the hell? Easy, easy, easy. What are you doing back there? Fuck, easy. What happened? You don't notice the guy with the headlamp weighing 498 pounds

is your buddy? I know. Are you playing games with me? I ain't playing games with me? I ain't playing games. Fuck you, it's just right there. Take it easy. Take a breath. I was not in front of you.

You just called me over. You said, huh, I need help. Huck, I never said your name until just now. Oh, it was the Raven Mocker. The Raven Mocker. Playing more games. That's right. See, the silenand dust, right?

And they're like whew. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, Huckleberry. Hey, the silenand dust, right in their face? Whooooosh! Hey, Uncle Barry. Hey, Uncle Barry.

D-d-d-dab? Finger dab? Finger dab? Ahhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh. I'm here with Ashton Kuscher. You're about to get pumped. Oh, I shot my own best friend. You've been pumped. What's wrong? What's going on? I damn near shot Buck.

I heard Buck's voice in front of me. I damn near shot my best friend. I'm all tore up inside about it. I got the bubble gun over it. Oh, give me some leaves. I'm about to explode from the rear. Whatever was in front of me imitated Buck

right down to the last letter. That's how he got the Raven Mocker name. That's right. He got the Raven Mocker by mocking you fucking morons out there. I know. Right up in there. Let's walk up that way and see what's going on. Let's just stay together. I love how lately Mountain Monsters has gotten more psychologically trippy.

It's like one guy is always tripping out for some reason. The Raven Mockers now affecting their minds psychologically. Hold up guys. Hold up. Hold up. Wait a minute. It's a stick. They got a stick.

They got some leaves. I got a stick. A stick. Oh wow, Chrissy. Couple sticks. They are on the hunt now. Right across the middle, this is how you funnel in coyotes. Right here, a coyote steps over top.

Look here. Damn, damn, Buck! What was that? How did you know there'd be a hole in the ground where the coyotes get funneled? He saw a stick. He lifted it up. There's a hole in the ground as if the ravenmocker is brilliant enough Mockers like the chipmunk go up and down or Arnold Schwarzenegger and predator It's a foot trap this thing was trying to lure me into it. If I stepped into it, it would cut my foot all the hell back. We know the Raven Walker makes the sound of a raven.

The Raven Walker made the trap. Oh, this is so good. You guys are so good at what you do. I know. They really are. Who in America is left believing mountain monsters? Because I want to talk to you. I know there's a few of you out there. I know there is. I've seen what other stuff people believe. There's got to be one or two out there. What makes you think he couldn't learn to mock a person? Now, my question is, did the ravenmocker this tramp, or was it whatever else is screwing with us in these woods?

What else is there? What else would there be? Wabam! You take some donuts and some Doritos and you put them into a cauldron. Wabam! You have Buck. I take a little Seagull's Sibling, a little LSD and some Ayahuasca. Whabam! We're in for the final night of hunting. I'm the forest quantum witch. Now you can

Google 2.5 times faster what kind of shit you're going to put on your show. I'm the AI witch of Lee County. I can mark your name. Listen. Hey, it's me, Buck. Doesn't it sound just like you? Whatever's out here touching me on the shoulder Imitating buck. It's not human building traps. Yeah, someone's out building traps for humans

They're out for blood we're way in above our heads here But we're not too far from the trap the best thing we can do is just keep pushing forward and get to that trap Big timber down there, dude. Oh, they got the other team out there. Oh, yeah. They got Jimmy and Willie. That's right. They got the more serious. Jeff and Willie. Jeff and Willie. The screamer and Willie. We've got to get down to the... We've got to get down to the scene. I'm so glad he's here right now. I said, shh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell so much. It's a deer head. He done ripped off a deer head.

Hung it. This Ravenmacher is a particularly cruel individual. Watch out Willow, watch out, that might be a bait. That might be a what? A bait. A bait? I think he said that might be bait. As if I'm hungry for deer eyeballs? What?

A bait. I could take kill or buck that size. Look, it's Twist Dove. That's me, I ain't been cut off. It's been Twist Dove. Look at that. What was that head? That was not a deer head. That looked like one of those ones from Texas.

Yeah, that's a steer. It did look like a steer, didn't it? It did not look like a deer. No, it's a deer. It's a deer with a lot of antlers. But that's probably from some hunt. Or it's just a really clever special effects effects team. They said it was twisted off Yeah, but they don't show the part was twisted off because of course they don't

Twist look at that. And that's kind of spooky looking having dead heads hanging around trees Oh, you don't say you walk into a dark forest and they got heads twisted off Wouldn't scare me. No, sir. He Bob. He's got keep pushing off. Wouldn't scare me, no sir, re-bomb. He's gotta keep pushing forward. You gotta keep pushing forward. Just ignore the old deer head hanging off, the fresh kill hanging off of a tree. Don't worry about that. Nothing to see here. That's kind of spooky. You know what's kind of spooky? Daddy long legs on your ceiling. You know what's all out shit scary? When someone's twisting deer heads off, skinning them, and hanging them off a tree. That's shit scary.

All right, we'll be back with more Mound Monsters after this. You already know who it is. Kristina here to keep you actually informed, unlike some people we know, Brian. I've got certified, verified, factual information about our Florida shows, so listen up. We are coming to Dania Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th, and The Funny Bone in Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. And links to those tickets are in the show notes,

so go get them. In other completely new and interesting news, you should follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And of course, go to our website, tcbpodcast.com for all of our audio and video content. And finally, if you want to tell Brian and Chrissy that I am a pretty, pretty princess, or that you hate me, text us or leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Bye.

All right, Amber, back with the boys of Mountain Monsters that just found a dead, well, a dead deer, fresh dead deer with its skin ripped off and head twisted and all mangled and someone mentioned that it's kind of creepy. You don't say. Yeah, it's a whole lot spooky. Let's head on down this flat back out towards the track. Lately. Let's do it. You all right back there, Huck? Yeah. Don't trust anything anymore. You all right back there, Huck? Yeah.

Don't trust anything anymore. Wow. Huckleberry's trousers are ripped. He's so big. Jesus, Jones, is no one looking out for these guys' health? Is no one over at Travel Channel saying, hey guys, lose a few pounds. We need you for the next season. I guess not.

Maybe they're saying the opposite. I'd like to know what it is that's out here screwing with us. I'm about tired of this. Hold up, hold up, hold up. We got, we got. What is this? What the hell? Right there, look at that.

Look at that. It's a tree! It's a tree. Wow! Look at the size of that one. What the hell? We're looking at this big structure on the side of the tree. We've seen this before. It's evil. It's evil!

What is it? Is it a nest? I really don't know, Chrissy. It looks like a bunch of branches to me, but who am I? I'm no expert. These guys are. It's evil. Yeah, it's whatever it is. It's clearly evil. Made by the Raven Marker. How close are we to the trap? AHHHH! AHHHH!

What's going on? What's going on? It just jumped up in front of me! It's evil! It just jumped up in front of me! It just took a shit on my hand! Ahhhhh! What happened? I don't know. Well, they were spinning the camera around in there too. They shake that camera. That camera is just shaking left and right.

And the guys are twirling around with their guns pointing at each other. They don't know what's going on. But I didn't hear a fucking thing or see a fucking thing. Because of course I don't. That's not the way the show's supposed to go. What? What? A face! A face!

He says this thing was right in his face, but there's nothing there. Was it the Ravenmonger? No! It was something about that- No! It was my ex-wife! Looking for alimony. She's here for the child support.

Get out, quick! Shoot me now, boys! We're alimony. Shane's here for the child support. Get out quick. Shoot me now, boys. And it opened his mouth up and it looked like it was throwing fire out at me. Why are you yelled so much? It was fire came out of its mouth? Fire came out of its mouth. That's a new one.

It's a fire breathing raven mucker. Hold up. Hold up. We got you. we got you. Don't move. Stay right here. God, that scared me. You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Come on, get set up. Box radio in. Oh yeah, he's got a radio in for help. Someone just shot flame an ass over here, Billy, you gotta get over here. Where are you? I don't really know, I'm over here at the evil tree thing. Can you head over this direction? I'm over yonder near the creek. I'm over by the holler.

The wacking tree. The old wacking tree. Go ahead, Buck. I need you over here with us as quick as you can get here. Just go past the trap and there are 75 yards. You'll run into us. All right, we're on our way. Let's go, let's go. All right, no questions asked. We're coming. You can count on us, Buck. We'll be there. I'm telling you, it was right there on the other side of the log and it was right there. Who goes there?

Who goes there? Who else has a camera crew with them? Who goes there? What is this, the Renaissance Festival? Who goes there? Who goes there? It is me, King Arthur of the Round Table. Would you like a butter beer? It's us! Over here! Shush buck! What's going on? We got problems. We got big problems.

We got this. And we got somebody here in the woods. It's the damnedest evil thing you ever seen. It had a ball of fire come out of its mouth right up at the thermal at me. I'm telling you, it just went, ahhhhhh! It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses.

It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath of a thousand asses. It had the breath ofHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH It had the breath of a thousand asses.

It had fireball and I don't mean the kind you drink. A ball of fire came out, I was smacking it and it pushed me in the chest. I don't know what it was. The other guy goes, what? What? That's not what you said at first. You said you saw a face, then it had a fireball, That's not what you said at first. You said you saw a face, then it had a fireball, now it's pushing you in the chest. Let's get our stories together.

See anything like it. If I see it again, I'm going to shoot it. I don't care. I'm killing it. Willie, me and Huckle Bear is right here. Of course. Of course. As a general rule, if you see a creature with fire coming out of its mouth, you go ahead

and shoot it and ask questions later. You let the scientists figure it out. We all know this from ET and other movies. Kill it and then we'll figure it out. Looking this over, Jeff was within 15 yards of us and Jeff's seen it and we didn't. He just walks right over there. He's right as a sheet. Right over there. Man, I'm sorry, guys. You're all right. You're all right. He's always apologizing for something. Wasn't he crying a couple episodes ago?

Yeah, they're patting him on the back. He's the sensitive one in the group. Yeah, there's always one. I was one. I was the sensitive one in my group. It jumped up right in his face. Yeah. And we was within ten yards of him and didn't see it.

Look at that guy. I've never seen someone on so much crystal meth. And we're looking at a picture of one of the randos that follows these guys around. I think that's Jeff. Oh, that's Jeff. No, the other one is Jeff Throne. His name is Jeff, not Jeff. And it took me a while to figure that out too. This is Billy. Billy has the blackest eyes and his pupils are so dilated. Yeah. And he has the stare of a thousand crack pipes. Jeff, he's wise as sheet.

He's seen something to scare the hell out of him. Willie. Willie. We need to get back to the side of the sun and we need to find out exactly what he's seen on that camera. Because I don't think I can watch much, walk much further. I'm just going to be honest with you boys, I'm pretty big. He got it on camera?

I got it on camera. Let's get out of here and get back here and take a little time. He got it on camera but the cameraman didn't. Oh yeah, the cameraman was nowhere but he got it on his thermals. Let's see, let's see. You can only imagine what's popping up on a thermal. We've got to step out of here and find out what's in these woods. Yeah, I mean, Bug's stomach is almost to the ground.

Yeah, it's down to his knees. It's crazy how big this boy is. And he hasn't always been this big. He's always been big, but not this big. Come on, come on. We're here, Jethro. Jethro, we're here, buddy. We're here, buddy. We're here. Sorry about your fireball seeing accident. You'll be all right. They've been running around chasing these deadly creatures for decades now,

it seems like. And all of a sudden Jethro needs a therapist because he saw something he didn't like? You all right, bub? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Guys, we're safer, but we're not safe. We've been doing this for a lot of years.

Something was running circles around us down there. Oh yeah, we ain't never had to deal with this crazy s*** on. What? Every time they deal with us. It's the same thing every episode. Same thing. We've never had this happen. We've never had this happen. For the most part. Whatever we was dealing with is not a Bigfoot. No, hell no. I can't even explain what I've seen. I'm not sure I want to see it again. Well, I promise y'all won't say it We gotta know. Yeah, I want to see it We gotta know as if there was a choice One must know

If they had a choice as if there was any other choice They were gonna like they make a group call not to ever see it. We'll never look at these photographs again What is this hangover part five? Come on show the film Yeah, show it film! Yeah. Show it to me. I can get it. We gotta see what that thing looks like. Oh my god, his laptop!

Oh my god, he's got a laptop with an American flag on it. And it's an apple! Who knew? Who knew? Here we go. Here we go, guys. Well, there you go. A guy... There's proof. There's proof. A guy in a Walmart hoodie opened up his mouth and roared at you. That's about my estimation of what happened. You wanna review one more time?

Let's do it one more time. There he is. Yeah, it's a guy with a hoodie on. Yeah, that's what it is. Well, he's got a beard too, probably. Oh, damn! Oh, damn! Damn, what the hell, goddamn motherfucker? Oh, man. I'll tell you what is never not a good time. It's never not a good time to

double negatives. That means it is always a good time when you get those boys in a room together or in a forest together or in Lee County together. They're always there having some fun, shaking trees and making babies. I do love it. I do love the Mountain Monsters, man. Oh my god, they're classic. Sometimes, little Brian's secret, sometimes I will watch these episodes even though we're not going to run them. I will watch them and I'll be like, oh man, this is good fun.

This is good fun. But I'm always watching from the perspective of who are they as people? What do they do? Like TMZ isn't covering the mountain monsters. You know what I'm saying? No, I know. Yeah, they're not out in the mountains. Yeah, there's no paparazzi for the mountain monsters. So you don't see a lot about their life.

I always wonder, do they have a Facebook page that I could check out or something like that? I don't know. Maybe I'll do some further investigation about the personal lives of Buck, Huckleberry, Jethro, Willie, Bob, Bobby, fucker, fucker, I don't know. I want to find out if they have wives and why if they have wives why those wives aren't telling us to slow down on the turkey legs. Honestly I'm actually worried about Buck now. Yeah, Buck is back.

This is a newish clip, by the way. It was only released a number of days ago. So you check it out on YouTube, Travel Channel. He's been feasting on his success. Literally feasting on it. I know where all those extra dollars go. I bet they make, I bet Buck and Huckleberry probably make 20,000 an episode is my guess.

They probably do sixteen in the season so you know not a bad deal not a bad day i wish we made twenty thousand dollars an episode because we do a hundred and sixteen and actually two hundred twenty five in the season alright well uh... krisi and i will be live in your faces pretty soon down in florida we would love to see you. Dania Improv on the 24th of September in Dania Beach, Florida, and then on the 25th at the

Funny Bone in Orlando. If you're going to be down there, please do let us know. 212-433-3822, 212-4333-3TCB. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and youtube.com slash the commercial break. to the show. to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe now we know until next time Christy and I do say we will say and we must say goodbye That cow killin' bastard!