The Commercial Break - Mushroom Magnum P.I.

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

The Bits: Pastor Kenny and his hype man Dale review Dale's performance. The Show: Bryan explains how a lost kitten, magic mushrooms and auto theft made for one memorable evening where, luckily, he was not the one arrested! Don't forget to rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode! Text us or leave us a voicemail at +1-661-BEST2YO ([phone]) LINKS: Get a FREE TCB limited edition collectible sticker Follow us on Instagram Subscribe and watch the show on Youtube Join us live on Fireside New episodes every Tuesday & Friday everywhere you listen to podcasts! For advertising contact AdvertiseCast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm a l'ma doing dog. Ooooooh ho ho ho ho ho. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Lord is with you tonight. He's hot with you tonight. I can tell you right now. You beginning. You have got plain on the brain. You are gonna have that new jet by the time you go off air tonight. I just know it. Alright, I guess we gotta address something. No. Hey, Dale, come on in here. We gotta go over tonight, sermon, please. Oh, I think the pastor's talking to me. Sure thing, pastor, come and ride up.

the pastors talking to me. Sure thing, pastor, coming right up. Damn, I've been sitting with the Lord all the day. We've been sitting and we've been praying and I have felt despair deep inside me and I had to ask him a few questions. Do you know what I had to ask him down? Hmm, I just don't know. I couldn't even guess like maybe how we turned all that water into wine That was amazing. No, damn not about the damn water Now I need you to get serious. I need you to get focused. We got a big service coming up tonight I need that new plane and we need to get your performance three you have not been doing well lately Are you telling me you don't like the way I'm hyping your pastor Kenny? No son, I do not you sound like you took for ambient and ate a mouthful of sand.

I need a hot man that can keep up. When we start talking and talking and asking for money, that's our stairway to heaven. That's our buzzer beaten three-pointer. That's our porn movie, money shop, Dale. Do you hear what I'm asking you, Dale? Is there anyone at home up there, Dale? Well, jeez, now, Kenny, I have no idea.

You don't have any idea if you got models up in that shoulder box? No, no, no, pastor. I just don't know what a money shot is. Well, now it's like when a man takes his hose and it puts out a woman's fire. Oh, hell, Dale, this isn't what we're talking about. Now, listen up. Last week when I was below in the coronavirus away,

I needed some excitement behind me. I needed some shouting, and I needed some amenze and some hallelujahs held down. I needed a few shaman lamb and ding-dongs. What I got was, amen. So you laid our coronavirus? That's the spirit Kenny. It's like you're a teenager getting ready for the bus. You gotta wake up, Dale.

You gotta wake up. Do you understand me? Well, past the right thing, so maybe I could drink a soda or one of those coffees beforehand. That way it gives me a little pip and misstep. Hey, old boy, you better get a meth-pip and visit Heisenberg because you sound like a dopey doofon Xanax. Well, maybe I could use to turn the microphone up just to snudge. You could stick a megaphone straight up, your poop chute, and I don't think that would help. We need to practice and we need to do that now. Okay, sir. Let's do this. Do you have a heartbeat, Kenny?

I think so. Do you want to check for me? I am not touching you now focus. I'm gonna practice my money pitch when I'm getting in the zone I need you to do a little dance. Don't just repeat after me. Give it a little extra. Give me some excitement Take some creative liberty. Help boy, give me the righteous reach around. Okay Pastor, I'm serious, I'm focused. Let's do it. Get your fucking hands off me, Lord, Dale, not an actual hand job, it's a man or a speaking. Did your parents pay attention to you as a child? Uh, yeah, yeah, okay, just settle down. Now here we go, I'm gonna get ready, and I'm gonna start practicing. And I walked up to that tornado and I said,

Begone! Today, it'll be gone! Get back in, get him, Kenny's whole. Come on now, right up in his hole, get in that hole. Money, shall. So what in the good fuck are you talking about, Dale? Well, you told me to take some creative liberty. That is not what I meant. Do you even know what you was saying? You sound like a loose cannon without any ammunition, son? Well, I'm so sorry, Pastor. I thought I was heating up right there. You are as cold as a set of Siberian dits without a brawl. Now, let's do this again and focus.

Great. I am red. You are the furthest thing from ready. I have ever seen. But here I go. You ready? Okay. And I'm telling you, I was sitting with the Lord all day. Amen. Just walking with him and a sitting with him.

And he was inside me. The Lord was right inside me. And when he was inside me, he told me, someone out there in the TV audience is feeling too much stress. If you're stressed, you're about to die. I'm here to tell you the Lord is with you. The last of you is with your money anyway. And to give to me is to give to the Lord.

You wouldn't turn the Lord down if he asked you for a dollar. Let the Lord ride in. One dollar can turn up through you like a pie, God will have the will to turn into the Lord. Stick the five dollars right inside the Lord. Shove it, Radie. Son, I think you would drop down your head as an adult. You making me sound awful.

What in the friar talk are you talking about? No, I just got no damn deal. Okay, set it up now. We're gonna try something easy. I'm ready. I'm giving you too much, son. I think it's cram and up your jam box up there. I think we need to start with something simple.

Something a squirrel with no feet could fit out. I like squirrels. Let's practice some fire talks. So we're speaking in time. Oh good pastor, I speak with Matung all the time. In-tung, they'll not with tongue. Ah, shit, just follow me. Domaz.

Big-o! Big-o! Bigo! Say you later. Have a nice day. One more thing I'll go home. Supercalifragilistic XBL adacious. Wingard Danger longer, longer. Money shy!

Girl! Was that better, Pastor? You fired, son. Aw. It's the third job I've lost this month. You know what? Maybe I'll go talk to Pat Robertson. I think he's always hiring. In early 2020, the world shut down.

Stores, restaurants, schools, and whole communities shut their doors in an effort to protect human life. As the world quickly changed, one man went on Facebook to get a degree in Internet epidemiology. Brian, along with his lab assistant, HOTELY, are curing coronavirus by commenting on fake news and reposting recipes of secret virus cures from a friend of a friend who works high up in love with it. Join Brian and Holy as they discuss the world and life doing this forced interruption. Learning, laughing and loving in this real-life commercial break.

On this episode of the Commercial Break At first I was like this could be anyone in my friend right? They just lost their weight of the party and just probably the other brick road right? The officer gets out of the car What you up to son? And I was like yeah I just bought this kitten. I run the 20 feet across the patio, and I leap as far as I can outward, the 12 and a half feet over the stairs,

screaming the entire way. Stop! The next episode of the commercial break starts now. In the police were like, what the fuck are you talking about, young lady? You better get back in that house of yours and shut the fuck up for the rest of the night. And I had suspected that at least for a little while this person was not completely sober, but I'll be better or doing better. But after that phone conversation, it was like no way. So, welcome to the podcast.

Podcast number seven, here we are. I want to say thank you to all the listeners out there. I know at this point that I don't know every one of these listeners. Like, I had literally suspected that for the first maybe 40 podcasts we'd be like honing our craft, getting the back and forth together, and we'd just be broadcasting to a few select human beings who happen to look on our Facebook pages and say, hey that's interesting we should check out what they're doing and then probably go what a bunch of fucking idiots. But now it's clear to me we are way outside of our sphere of influence because I don't know thousands of people.

I just don't. I just don't, up from all across the world. So I'll say this. Thank you very much for listening wherever you are. TCBpodcast.com is the place to go to find out more information about the show. You can listen to all the episodes there. We're available on Google, Overcast, FM, Stitcher, Google, Apple, all the places we're spotifying. Spotify, Go Joe, Google, Apple, all the places where we're spotifying. Spotify.

Spotify, go Joe Rogan, Bingbong. All the places you can listen to your favorite podcasts. So thank you very much. We get the 500 listeners on one particular episode, which now we are extremely close. We will do a live broadcast. I don't even know how that fucking works. By the way, keep on promising. We're going to do a podcast now.

We're going to do like a Zoom call. I can only have four in my Zoom on a free account, so maybe only four show up, oh no. But we'll figure it out, we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it as they say. So yeah, so this young lady decided she was gonna call the cops and it reminded me of a couple days ago, my wife about calling cops, right? When you have to call the cops and it reminded me of a couple days ago my wife about calling cops right when you have to call the police as an adult

It's like one of those things I Think as a kid you're really afraid to call the police and then maybe as a teenager at least if you were like me I didn't want to get the police to evolve than anything I was doing because I'm pretty sure I was the one who's gonna end up in handcuffs Right, but as an adult I've had to call the police on numbers, numerous different occasions. Having nothing to do with me, I wasn't the one that needed to help or needed to be arrested. I just happened to be in the middle of some shit

where I needed to go, oh, the police or emergency should be involved in this. Yeah. And the other day, my wife and I are driving up a side street to our house here, a little north of Atlanta. And there is a gentleman in a feather boa with a man satchel and a high school letterman jacket and then like a skirt, like a kilt on with army boots,

who is walking in the middle of this two-lane road on the yellow line and he's doing a dance. He's like literally dancing in the middle of in the middle of the fucking street and it's like a plan after my own heart. At first I was like this could be anyone of my friends, right? Just like they just lost their weight of the party and they just like follow the yellow brick road, right? So I didn't think too of it, but then he was like getting dangerously close to cars that were driving by, right? And it looked like he was going to like jump or something. So I made the decision.

Yeah, listen, this guy could be in some trouble if he decides to jump in front of one of these cars, or, you know, there's lots of fucking idiots out there. Maybe somebody hits them or could he get in a fight or something. So I called the police and I just said, hey, listen, you know, the guy's not doing anything wrong. Just you might want to guide him off of the street. Right. And, you know, the, I guess the police showed up and that's what it was.

It made me think of a good topic for today, which is stories where the police were involved, where you didn't end up going to jail, which you wouldn't have worn, that actually ended up in handcuffs. Because I have a few good stories where I actually ended up in handcuffs, but I'm not sure if anything I'd ever broadcast on a podcast, but it made me think of it.

And so I can't wait to hear. Okay, so this is a whole show in and of itself, but my mom is mentally ill. She's been dealing with mental illness since I was a teenager. So I grew up in a household with mental illness and my mom wasn't violent or anything like that. She wasn't like the worst kind of mentally ill. But when we were 15, probably 13, 14, my mom started going to inpatient facilities for

help. And that would happen. I don't know. Let's say three months out of the year total, my mom would be an inpatient facility for one, two, three weeks at a time. And as we became older teenagers, my dad had to travel a lot for work. He was trying to hold the household down where a lot of this chaos was going on. So it's four boys, my brother and I, being twins, being the oldest, and as we round the corner of 15, my dad starts to say, okay, you know what? I'm going to let you stay home all I travel out for a week

or two, right, or a weekend or whatever. I'm just going to leave you boys alone. But when he did that, what he found was that all that Kevin and I really did was just invite a bunch of our friends over to cause fucking havoc and destroy the house and get up to no good, right? And I mean, those are stories in and of themselves. So he started inviting my aunt down. Now, my aunt is a single woman she always has been. She lives basically by herself, her entire life, has had one job, has had no boyfriends. She's been a wonderful aunt, but she's just kind of a person who stays by herself a lot, right? She's just that person. She's single, she loves it. She'll always be that way forever and ever. Amen. And she has no idea what children

are like, except for the fact that her brother has four of them. So he starts inviting my aunt Barb down when he goes out of town. And when I'm 16 years old, it was during the summertime, and my dad had to go on a lengthy trip. It was probably two weeks long. And so my aunt Barb ended up coming to stay with us, because that's a long time to leave anybody,

any children that are younger, younger seniors old anyway. Yes. So, good old aunt barb comes and she stays. I live in a bedroom, I lived in a bedroom community north of Atlanta, upper middle class, very milk white neighborhood, just parts of it are very rich, most of it is upper class, and we lived in this house that on a cul-de-sac, very quiet street, not a lot of traffic on there at all. And if you're looking at my house,

it's a three story house with the basement partially daylight, partially not daylight. So I'm giving this context here because it'll be important here in a second. So it's maybe like, let's call it a Wednesday night. The neighbor across the street, the neighbors, they had a child that was about a year and a half, two years younger than I was. So if I'm 16 at the time, this kid is like 14.

My basement was well known in song-in and story for all the kind of trouble that kids would get up to, but like in the worst kind of We had next-exfoot bongs with extensions and Rooms growing in the living room and I mean like behind couches and my dad we were just an absolute nightmare So it was a little bit of a kind of a drug dead going on down in the basement and kind of a drug that going on down in the basement. And somehow the neighbor kids would end up over there because that's what happens, right? It was just like a big thing

and people would come through the basement door and it would be a big party. And so this kid, which I won't give away his name because I, who the fuck it knows, right? But this kid comes in and he asks my friend, we'll call my friend Donald. My friend, Donald and I are sitting down in the basement and it's probably six o'clock at night. He comes knocking on the door. We let him in and you know, ping-floids playing the fluorescent

glow of posters all over the fucking place and we are high as a fucking kite on whatever. Who knows? God knows what we're up to. And he says, I just took $2,000 from my parents business, and I need you to get me as many mushrooms as I can. I'm gonna sell them and I'm gonna make money. I have to look at each other like, this is like straight out of a movie. You know, who comes over to their neighbor's house and says, I just took $2,000 from my parents.

I'm gonna give it to you so you can font, yeah. They just, she doesn't know us. From shit, we could have taken the $2,000 from my parents. I'm gonna give it to you so you can find, yeah. They just, it doesn't know us. From shit, we gonna take into $2,000, lock the door and never talk to him again. And then told his parents, he stole the money, right? Yeah. So everyone is morally corrupt in this story, by the way. I'm not proud of what happened here.

I'm just, I just, this is just what was going on at the time, right? My mom was sick, give me a break. Yeah. So, we quickly place a couple of phone calls to people that we know that might be able to get $2,000 worth of fucking mushrooms, which at the time in the early 90s might have been like, I don't know, four pounds of mushroom.

I mean, it's a shitload of mushrooms, right? I was gonna say like a garbage bag. Oh my God, oh, you don't even know. So after a couple of well phone calls, the amigos that were working at the restaurant at the time that we were working at decide that they can figure this one out, right? Come quickly to the other side of town and we'll all figure this out to get there. We got the mushroom. You got the cash. Having no fucking clue what we were getting ourselves into. We quickly ride over to this guy's house

and we get there and after a couple of hours of this and that and the everything, a bag, a garbage fucking bag of mushrooms, shows up. And I mean, the garbage bag was heavy, right? It was heavy. It stunk to high heaven because of course it's real mushrooms. It's cow shit, because what it is. And a trash bag.

And we grab it and we put it in the back of the car and in the trunk of the car. And we head out on our way. We're probably about 20 miles from the house now. We run out of gas. We pull over to a QT. We pull over to that QT. Let's just say this. On the way, Donald and I had partaken in some of the, we figured there was a Finder's feet. We figured there was a Finder's feet of what was going on here, right?

I mean, who wouldn't do it? We're gonna miss a couple of mushrooms out of 12 pounds, right? Right. So we're chewing on these things on the way home. And about halfway there, we run out of gas and we stop and the shrooms are kicking in and everything's going crazy and the music is blaring and as we stop and we go to get gas there is a little fucking kitten that's like

walking in the QT parking lot like back and forth and I'm like oh is that like a real kitten or am I seeing shit and he's like I don't know it looks like a real kitten to me and I walk up to the real kitten, and as soon as I pick up the kitten and I lift my head, a police officer's pulling in. And he pulls in right in the parking spot, where the kitten was, they kinda next to the kitten, right? I'm frozen, absolutely frozen.

I am totally petrified. I have this little kitten in my hand. The officer gets out of the car What you up to son and I was like yeah, I just bought this kitten He says excuse me. I said I just bought this He says you bought the kitten and I said I did sir, I bought the kitten and I'm just taking it home. How would they mind you? I'm allergic to fucking cat.

It's right. Deadly allergic to cats. But I said, I just bought the kitten and I'm taking it home. And he said, oh, okay. I'll see you later. Sounds good. Sounds good, sir. On your way, I don't even want to deal with you.

All right. You're white and you're holding a cat and your eyes, I don't even want to deal with you. All right. You're white and you're holding a cat and your eyes are the size of saucers. I'm gonna let you go. We get back in the car with the kitten nonetheless. Right now, so now we get a cat. We got 12 pounds of shrooms. We're tripping our balls off.

And you know, you know, the 20 minute drive that took us 20, the 20 mile drive, that took us 30 minutes to get there. Now it takes an hour and 72 minutes to get back. That's the worst. We're driving at 10 miles per hour, stopping at green lights, pulling over on the side of the road to check the map and make sure we're on the way. We get home, eventually we get home.

And this kid has been burning up, we didn't have cell phones at the time. So this kid has been burning up the landline we have in the basement that's dedicated to my twin brother who lived in the basement. He just like burning up and just leaving messages and leaving messages and leaving messages. We just ignore it, right?

We're just, now we're just having fun and we just ignore it and we'll get him as mushrooms later. What's the, you know, what's the difference? We're eating more mushrooms or smoking fire. We're doing whatever it is, right? The house is on a call toac with a basement partially daylight. If you look at the house from left to right, it's on a hill. So on the left side of the house, the basement is completely underground, but on the right

side, there is a door that opens, and that hill continues down into the cul-de-sac. So it's a rather steep incline hill, which goes all the way down to the cul-de-sac. So it's a rather steep incline hill just goes all the way down to the cul-de-sac. Outside of, so the room that we'd hang out in is the one where the two double doors were that came out the right side of that house. So on the side of the house, there's two double doors, glass double doors,

and then there's a patio. That patio is like 10 by 20, and then there's 12 patio. That patio is like 10 by 20 and then there's 12 steps, a foot each going down toward my next neighbor's driveway on the right hand side as you're looking at my house. So imagine there's a patio that's 12 feet above my neighbor's driveway and then there's stairs that go down, right? Okay. Yeah. Toward my neighbor and then there's like another 10 feet before you get to my neighbor's driveway. Pakistani guy has a couple children himself, really, really nice gentleman.

I'm always friendly with everybody. So here we are, it's like two, three, four in the morning and shit's getting weird, right? I mean, we have been eating mushrooms and smoking pot, listening to music and planning out how we're gonna take over the world and we're starting a record company and also the shit, right?

Where is the kitten? Oh, the kitten. Okay, so the kitten was given to a girl who came over during the beginning of the night when we had first gotten home. She loved kittens, she wanted a cat, so we gave her the cat, right? So the cat went to a safe home and lived, and lived, well, kind of safe, and I really did, but the cat made appearances in my life later on. It didn't die or get hurt.

So the good news is the cat, it was a good thing for the cat. So here we are when we're sitting in its dark and the day glow lights and all this lava lamp and all this shit. Again, pink Floyd or Bob Dylan or whatever is paying in the background. And I start staring out the window because I notice movement. And you know when you're high, anything that's moving is just like fascinating, right?

Yes. My neighbor has three cars that are parked in the driveway. And as I'm watching, I'm like, wow, there's like, it looks like there's ghosts over there. Like, wow, I'm really fucking fucked up, man. There's like ghosts floating all around those cars. Black ghosts all around those cars, black ghosts, all around those cars.

Probably after two or three minutes of just staring at this and really fucking wiggling out, I'm finding like, hey Donald, Donald, are those ghosts out there? And he looks, and he stands up, and he goes, no, those are people. And I'm like, there are people walking into the cars, are fucking real people, he's like, no, no, I'm pretty sure they're real people. And I'm like, there are people in like walking into the cars, or fucking real people. He's like, no, no, I'm pretty sure they're real people. I go up to the window, and I look, concentrate, focus as hard as I can. Right.

Right. You know what I'm saying? Like that real hard focus. Like, okay, I'm gonna figure out. That's hilarious. Yeah, I'm gonna figure out how to do this real. And lo and behold, there are three men in masks and full black uniform snatching the windows of the fucking cars. Oh my.

And getting into the cars. Like this is what was going on. I was watching this and I thought I was just tripping the fuck out, but it was something is actually going on. Yeah. I do not know what fucking happened, hopefully, to my brain. But all of a sudden, I am Superman.

Because I opened the door without a word to anybody. I opened the door, one of the doors. I run the 20 feet across the patio, and I leap as far as I can outward, the 12 and a half feet over the stairs screaming the entire way stop As I'm flying through the air. It's I felt like I was flying right and I land and I've you know kind of land and

Fumble around a little bit and these kids are scattering these I thought they were guys at the time But they're scattering everywhere. They're running to run, running down. This way, one of them is running down that way. And I am booking it up the hill, like chasing this one guy. And I'm like, I'm like, I got you, motherfucker. And I jump on them. And I land. I'm like Magnum P.I. I'm in a movie now. Like everything is real. I'm a superhero. And shit just got real, right? And I land on him and I grab him from behind and I roll over and there's a struggle and I'm like, you're gonna get me there.

He's got a bag full of shit. I'm like, you're gonna fucking stop right now. And he's like, don't, don't, man, don't kill me. And I'm like, I'm not gonna kill you. I don't even have a fucking gun. I just want to just, hi right now. I have mushroom strength. You fucking right.

Kid is like freaking the fuck out, freaking the fuck out. So finally I get him like wrangled. Don is about five and a half minutes behind me, right? He's scared shitless and he's like, bruh bruh, what are you doing, man? We can't get the cops involved, are you fucking crazy? And I'm like, this guy's robbing my neighbor. Yeah, we just bought 12 pounds of fucking mushrooms.

Let it go. And I'm like, no, this is wrong. I picked that kid up and I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry. You know, he's just like, we're just looking for shit and the car's just looking for shit. And I go, you know what? You know what?

I'm gonna let my neighbor decide what to do with you. It's 3.30 in the morning. Yeah, I'm gonna let my neighbor decide to do what you with you. And I walk this kid, the other two kids are long gone. I walk this kid right down to my neighbor's house and I'd ring the doorbell. Bing-bong and as soon as I ring the doorbell, I am back in the same place I was before, which is I should be hiding in the fucking basement right now and not outside ringing my neighbor's doorbell. When my dad isn't the fucking Netherlands trying to make money to keep me alive.

Neighbor comes out. Brian, Brian, what is going on? He's stealing the car in the morning. Who is this? This kid just tried to fucking rob your car. You hear what? He tried to what? He tried to rob your car.

This is fucking insane. What do you mean he tried to rob my car? My car is my car is everything here. It's quiet neighborhood. What? Let me see. He goes outside. He sees all of the broken windows, all of the shit, and he's like, this, this is robbery.

This deserves punishment. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no getting away to die. I am calling the police. And I'm like, slowly, I'm shrinking, right? The adrenaline is gone, And I'm like, oh, no, not the police. I thought you were just going to like take your stuff back and like, let the kid go. I thought this is all going to end peacefully. I didn't know that the police

were going to show up. No, no, no, no, no, no, I go get some zip ties. We put them on the ground. We call the police. And I'm like zip ties. What? We're going to do what? I don't want to be a part of this. Good job. But I a new tackle him good job you son of a bitches They the fucking going to jail now. I tell them the little bastard. I show them that I had worked for my fucking money so So the guy goes inside he calls the police Within minutes it feels like like within a snippety snap there are 14 police officers full lights and sirens everywhere around the neighborhood. And a fucking helicopter.

And a fucking helicopter with the light shining. Holy, I am not even kidding you. This shit got crazy like shit went from weird to weirder to fucking nuts the entire time, right? And I didn't know what to think. I was just standing in the driveway. This kid, that idea, he is my neighbor. he's good boy. He, he caught these kids fucking breaking into my shit. How many were you said? The 15 of them, I said, no, no, no, I, three, I think, you know, they, I don't know, he's, they all got this way and he got that

way and Brian catch them. He get them. He even though a warden, he does this guy a warden metal. Maybe he'd be police officer like you. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, police officers here, sir. I'm just, I was sleeping. I was taking a nap you, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, police officers here, sir. I'm just, I was sleeping, I was taking a nap, and I don't know what, I heard some rustling around, I just decided to get up. Officers everywhere, right? And they're doing their thing and officer comes up to me, the guy didn't charge, right? And he's got his flashlight and he's sticking it directly into my eyeballs, and I'm like, oh shit, he knows. He's fucking no.

No, I got that sweat that comes along with Trippin', you know, it's like, this is hot summer night. And he's like, son, I need you to tell me exactly what happened from beginning to end. And I was like, from the very beginning? From the very beginning? You mean like the beginning to beginning? Or like the middle beginning?

Or just from when I landed on the ground flying like Superman, can I start right there? Cause that just from when I landed on the ground flying like Superman Can I start right there because that was cool? I can tell you about the Superman part But I can't say much more before that because sir I was taking an I You know in so this by the way hiding in the basement right now. He's like do get me fucking involved and just shit I'll be in your basement You mean Donald? Yeah, Donald I have to cut that one out.

Good for you. Donald is hiding in the basement right now. He's like, he's like, don't be involved in your shit. Good catch there. Good catch. I'm going to like, bleep that out. Like, like a professional show. So I'm like, uh, officer, I'm freaking out.

My mind is going a million miles per hour. I cannot put two synapses together. Everything is going wild. There are lights and sirens. I know they know that there are mushrooms in the basement. I know they know that we've been smoking weed. I know I know I'm going to jail at the end of the night, even though I'm the one that was supposed to be the hero.

Now I realize how fucking stupid it was to call this much attention to myself when I was this fucked up. So this is what I do. So in my infinite fucking wisdom, this is what I do. Officer, I have to go to the bathroom. So this is what I do. So in my infinite fucking wisdom, this is what I do. Officer, I have to go to the bathroom. Can I go up to my house real quick? And can I go to the restroom?

Cause you know, it's been like 30 minutes since I called this kid. I just got a pee real quick. He's like shining the light and the left and the right eyes back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And he goes, uh, sure, that's your house? Yeah, that's my house.

Okay, you're gonna, you're gonna come back, right? Oh, of course, I'm gonna be right back, two seconds, help me right back in the room. Yeah, I just got a p-reo quick. The jerky office. I run upstairs, I run up to the thing, I close the door and I'm like, Donald, Donald! He's in the corner, the fuck are you doing, man?

You're gonna get us arrested. I'm like, I don't know, I don't know what to do now. He's like, well, you got to, what do you, did you, did you ask for something? I go, I think they want me to tell my story. And he's like, you gotta go tell that story. They're gonna come up here locking them. When they come knocking, they're gonna go looking. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if I wanna do that.

Yeah, yeah. So, I'll back out the door, light a cigarette, because you know, that's always what the cops are looking for. They're looking for the smoke right in their face when they're telling a story, right? So I'm smoking a cigarette and I'm like, listen officer, really wasn't that big of a deal. I just woke up from a nap, like I said,

I happened to look out the window and there were these kids running around the cars. So I just decided to go and chase one of them. Now I really said stop and the kid kind of stopped on his own. I didn't do anything, I didn't touch anybody. You know, I'm not supposed to be arrested here. Am I? There's no, like I didn't assault anybody or anything did I? Is that something I can do?

He says, okay, that's great son, great. I need you to write this down for me. I'm gonna get you a pad of paper. Can you write all this down for me? And I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. You want me to write all this down? I can't write anything down. I can't, I can't, I can't write.

I can't write. The lines on can't write the lines on the paper. They're all leaving together. I'm going to need a crayon. I'll tell you what I'm going to do, officer. I'm going to tell you the story and you write it down. No, no, no, no, that's not how this works. I need you to write a witness statement so that you can go ahead and do this. Oh my God. I painfully watch as the squiggly lines go squiggly, wiggly all over the place. As I, my handwriting is awful in the first fucking place. On a good day, when I'm not high on anything

and I'm focused with a cup of coffee in my brain, I can't write two sentences without anybody could read. But I just kinda squiggly wiggly everything in real short order. Like, you know, woke up, caught guys, someone called the police, got to go. I didn't talk to you later. So, at the end of this, right, I retreat because I'm just like, okay, I write that's whatever. I tell the officer, I give him my information, and I say, listen, I really got to get back to bed.

I got brothers at home, I answered town visiting. I'm sorry, I didn't want all this commotion. And he says, he says, listen son, I want you to understand something. And I thought, here it comes, right? Here it comes. He's going to tell me that he knows I'm fucking high and he's watching me.

We have had a rash of breakings in the last 30 and a half weeks, about 112 cars and total. And I think you just caught the kids because we caught the other two and we went to their houses and they got a bunch of shit from the other cars. And I was like, whoa, what? It's not just cars, it's homes. They've been robbing homes too. They've been doing this. They're bad dudes. And I was like, oh, well, so am I, my officer. My neighbor stolen money from his parents. And I'm about 12 pounds of my shirt. And my friends hiding in the basement. I also want to talk to you because I think he has a warrant for his arrest. And I took a kid in the house. I don't know where she is. She's probably dead. I go back to the house. And I'm like, ah, and I took a kid to hell. I don't know where she is. She's probably dead.

I go back to the house and I'm like, oh my God. And Donald's like, oh, these shit Brian, like what were you thinking? And I'm like, I wasn't thinking. That's the thing. I can't even think right now. I just had this premonition that these for some reason, I should be the guy that should stop these kids. He's like, they could have had a gun.

They could have had a fucking knife. They could have had anything. You'd had no idea if they were kids or adults. They had masks on. And I'm like, I know. I don't know what I was thinking. I really don't. It's just like a moment came over me.

And I jumped. That literally I jumped. Literally. I went upstairs to go get a glass of water. And when I went upstairs to go get a glass of water, there was my aunt in her robe. She smokes cigarettes. Still does to this day. Smoking cigarette.

And she's like, I've been out on the porch. The porch overlooks my neighbor's house. I've been out on the porch for the last two and a half hours. Watching all this go down. What in the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I'm so sorry, you don't understand and she's like I don't understand She's like but I decided to stay out of it because if you were gonna go in handcuffs I wasn't gonna call your father you were gonna spend the night in jail

And I was like but I wasn't the one doing anything wrong and she looks at me My my aunt has probably never my my aunt doesn't even know what weed smells like, but she looks at me straight in the eye and she goes, no, no, no, no. You absolutely are doing something wrong. I just don't know what the fuck you're doing. It's... Something's off here. Next day, it's in the newspaper.

It's on television. Well, there was a helicopter. That was probably. Fucking helicopter. The end of the story is, is that, and so that's probably the craziest time I've been involved with the police when I wasn't the one who actually ended up in jail,

though I probably should have been the one that went to jail. Thank God that, like, I mean, thank God that the situation was siloed to just the focus on those children, because there's no trained police officer in the world that didn't understand that that Brian Green was out of his fucking world that night, right? I mean, clearly you had to have understood that.

But you brought down a criminal operation. I brought down a whole like, yeah. Yes. So here's the end of the story. So this drags on until I'm like 17 and then possibly 18 years old. I can't remember exactly how it goes, but Prosecutor's office calls us calls me multiple times. I just kind of decide I had moved out of the house at that time And I just kind of decide I don't want to be anything to do with this like there's plenty of evidence

They don't need me to be there to to witness The sheriff's office came to the door witness. The Sheriff's Office came to the door with a prosecutorial assistant to my dad's house when I wasn't living there, right? And my dad, the police show up to my dad's house at this point in my life. And I'm sure my dad is like, you know, oh, this is the big one. He's going away forever. And he called me and he's like two sheriff's officers with a assistant DA showed up today. And they are making you show up to tell your side of this story because it's that important to them. And I would highly suggest that you show up next week in court or they are going to send you to jail.

They told me so. They are literally going to hold you in contempt of court. Oh wow. Because it's how important. I never talked to the prosecutor's office, nothing like that before. They just decided that they needed me to tell my side of the story. Yes. When I showed up at the Cobb County Courthouse, as sober as I could possibly be at 10 o'clock

in the morning at 17, 18 years old, whatever it was, with Donald, because now Donald is my support system for this, right? I don't think that he necessarily got caught up in any of the police stuff that happened afterwards But he decided to take me there when I show up to the courtroom There is a waiting room the waiting room is probably 50 feet by 50 feet wide. It's a traditional court waiting room and My neighbor is there and my neighbor stands up as soon as I walk off the And my neighbor stands up. As soon as I walk off the elevator, my neighbor stands up. This is the boy. Right here.

This is the boy that got all of our stuff back. But I, uh, cheers, hello, how are you doing? And I'm like, oh, mother fucker. I'm like, oh, shit to do with this. It ended up that the kid's attorney ended up pleading insanity for the child because the child and the mother came to court and started rambling about how JFK's assassination had something to do with them getting caught up in this whole burglary ring. So in other words, the mother of this child that I caught

decided she was going to blame her son's misdeeds and me catching this kid doing this, that it had something to do with the JFK assassination. Yeah, so like the lawyer took that and ran with it and decided he was gonna say, hey, everybody in this family's a fucking lunatic, and lunatic and you just need to do something besides put these kids in jail.

And I think one or two of them ended up spending a couple nights in jail and probably a long probation. But I remember that the one that I had caught and ended up dragging out, I got called to court multiple times, I think I went twice and then the rest, I was like, you know what, fuck that, I'm not gonna show up to court anymore, I don't wanna have anything to do with this

because now I am really am afraid I'm gonna go to jail. Now I'm just, you know what, fuck that. I'm not gonna show up to Courtney Moore. I don't wanna have anything to do with this because now I am really am afraid. I'm gonna go to jail. Now I'm just pushing my fucking luck, right? I was gonna say the less contact that you have but that would probably be best. Yeah, I think, I always believed that. I just had no idea. I think I assumed that my neighbor would just like,

kind of let it go, right? Like, if I'd ring the doorbell and he got a good talking to, everything would be fine and we'd just go on our merry way. But that didn't happen the exact opposite happened and I have never been so fucking scared in my life that I was about to take the big ride for the big thing. I mean, not say never scared, I've also been scared in other situations too,

where I clearly wasn't the wrong, but this is one of those things, you know, and as a teenager, I was quite the little fucking pistol. I mean, I can only imagine. Yeah, I was not a, I was not a great teenager. That's for sure. I mean, I had school was secondary to everything else. Every other kind of fucking around that I wanted to do. And the truth is, is that I, I didn't get involved in the wrong crowd. I think I was the wrong crowd. Like, I was that guy.. You were like, I was that guy. You just want to stay away from that, dude.

And, you know, I've been to a lot of therapy and everything's fine now. I have a couple of children. And I don't do that. Yeah. That's good. I have a follow up here. What about the bag of mushrooms and the kid?

Well, interesting. The body from the mirror. Yeah. Interesting story about that, right? After much chagrin and trying to debate what to do. So the next night was spent in its entirety in the basement. My dad had like a big work bench, right? And down in the in the underground part of the basement, like this big work bench with the typical light on top of it and all this. The next night, yeah, it's two holes, so that we could just separate the mushrooms and weigh them and all that stuff.

So the next night we spent just kind of trying to figure out exactly because, you know, he gave us two grand, he expected something, but I don't think he expected as much as that. So we kind of like tried to divvy it up in a fair way. We called the kid over and we said, hey, listen, we're taking a finder's fee because this, we went through a lot of fucking trouble to get this and he said yeah okay whatever and I think that we ended up taking some of what happened and then he ended up taking the rest what I believe happened in the end is that he his parents figured out that there was a missing capital, and they confronted him about it, and he said, yes, and I believe I don't know this to be true, so I'm hoping that anybody that knows the cast of characters in this story, but I believe this led to some trouble

for the neighbor who then also went to rehab. I think that's how the story kind of goes. Okay. Yeah, so, but well. Well, nice guy. He was a nice guy. The neighbor was a nice guy and I liked him very much. It was just a weird, weird, weird situation that did.

Oh my gosh. That the police got involved in. Yeah, the helicopter. Helicopter. When a helicopter shows up, you know you're in a fucking trouble. Yes. When you got a helicopter, and what I didn't understand at the time

was just what a big deal this was. I thought I had caught a couple kids that broke into my neighbor's cars. I didn't know that I was catching kids that had broken into hundreds of cars and homes. Homes, he broke into homes. hundreds of cars and homes. Homes, he broke into homes. They were breaking into homes.

They were stealing guns and valuables and collectible art and all kinds of shit. So these guys were no like two bit petty criminals. And the funny thing was, is if I remember the story correctly, if I remember the details correctly, is that these guys were younger than I was at the time. So I might have been 16, 17 at the time. They were a year or two younger than I was at the time. So I might have been 16, 17 at the time. They were a year or two younger than I was.

Okay. And I think that led to a lot of trouble from them. I don't think they ever went to school again. So, wow. Yeah, you. Yeah. Wow. Quite the story, Brian.

Wow, that's right. It is quite the story. Nothing less. Tcbpodcast.com is correct. It is correct. It is correct. It is correct. Nothing less. TCBpodcast.com is the place you can go to find out more information.

If you want to look and see what Chrissy looks like, you should go to TCBpodcast.com because there is a very interesting, I actually like that picture of you very much. I think it's a good one. I was a bit self-eatig out in Boulder, Colorado in like the wind tunnel over the mountains. I think it's a perfect picture for the commercial break. get to get out and bolder Colorado and win tunnel over the mountains. I think it's a perfect picture for the commercial break. tcbpodcast.com, at the commercial break, you can find us on Instagram, you can find us on Facebook, you cannot find us on Twitter,

but that's just because I don't have any fucking time to tweet, but maybe someday we'll get a Twitter. And you know what I've been getting into? Reddit. This Reddit, have you been into Reddit? Have you done any Reddit? I mean, I've gotten on their here and there. I haven't really explored all of the, it seems vast.

Yeah, I went on the Howard Stern Group the other day and it was like thousands and thousands of comments. None of which. Where I like Howard very much. Right. Right. That fat fuck got paid too much money. Bob, Bob, Bob. Yeah. You bastard this. too much money, blah blah blah.

You bastard this, blah blah blah, and I'm like, yees. Yeah, let's not go there yet. Nah, not very good. I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive. Yeah. The tcbpodcast.com. Find us on Spotify, Google, Apple, Stitcher, Overcast, FM, and any of your favorite places

to listen to podcasts. We appreciate every single. Listen, we certainly do. We're going to podcasts, we appreciate every single listen. We certainly do. We're gonna get through this. I love you. I love you, Brian. I'm seasoned.

The Commercial Break, hosted by Brian Green, is an irreverent look at the world around us and those who inhabit it. The Commercial Break is now available on all major podcast platforms including Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher, Overcast and others. Episodes drop every Wednesday. Visit tcbpodcast.com for more information. The commercial break, tune it in and

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