The Commercial Break - Pardon My Parton

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

EP958: Bryan and Krissy discuss the legacy of Dolly Parton, Perez Hilton and Bryans' ailing Gall Bladder. TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show. Chris and Joy Haudley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you out there in the podcast and streaming universe.

Thanks for joining us. We certainly appreciate it. It's sad day. Sad day because Dolly Parton died. Now, we just learned Tim Curry died. It always happens in threes. Who's the third? I hope it's nobody we like.

The people we don't like, that's okay. Tim Curry also 80 years old. Wow. You just passed away. Yeah. 80's a number. You know, that's a number where if you go, you say I lived a good life. I was thinking about that yesterday.

I thought you know what I'd be okay with 80. Totally. Totally be okay with 80. I mean, I have small children, so maybe like if I could inch up to 85, but not like 85 where, you know, I'm stumbling around. Right. It depends on what kind of state you're in. Yeah.

Your body and your mind. That's right. My body and my mind. Well, 50 is any indication of how it's going to go. I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to make a lady. But Dolly Parton, I told my wife yesterday, who was only recently, I mean, she knew who Dolly Parton was when she got here, but only recently in the last decade, is she familiar

with the works? Like I have all the stuff. Yeah, like all the stuff. And I was sharing with her that Dolly Parton, by all accounts, was, did a lot for poverty in America, did a lot for Apple. Aletia. Literacy. Literacy. Women's rights.

Yep. LGBTQ rights. I mean, so much. Just a good human being. Yeah, when I heard the news yesterday, I was like really thinking about it. I mean, I've loved her ever since I was young. My mom introduced me to the movie 9 to 5. Oh, yeah.

I was very long. That came out in 1980. That's crazy. Yeah, so, you know, I've loved her all my life. We lived in Knoxville for a while, a huge area for everything, Dolly, East Tennessee. And I was just thinking about, wow, I mean, not only did she have this whole artistic, creative, huge career. I mean, she wrote tons of songs. She sang.

She played guitar. She did all of that stuff and acted. So there's all the artistic stuff. But then everything that she did just for humanity. Yeah. She's just a good person. I forgot that when the COVID thing happened, she put a million dollars toward vaccine research when our government was stumbling and bumbling trying to figure out what to do. And she was one of the first people to get the shot.

She did it live on television, and I was watching that last night. I had forgotten a very famous Larry King interview that she did back in the mid-90s, maybe 94-95, where Larry asked her why she was so supportive of gay rights. And she said, well, I'm a Christian woman. And so I've been, I believe that you shouldn't judge other people. And who am I to judge who somebody else loves? She became an LGBTQ icon, because she kind of hammed up that whole, like, you know, drag queen look.

Like, that was her thing. I think, if we're just being real honest about it, I think what I'm, I was thinking about this today, when is the first time that I recognize that I remember Dolly Parton? Probably 9 to 5, but also an appearance on Johnny Carson. I can remember vividly that she was sitting next to Johnny Carson. And I remember kind of like being aware of a woman's physique for the first time with Dolly Parton. And I don't think that's an uncommon, like, I think, my age would probably not think that's uncommon, that there were different sizes in women.

Right. But she always leaned into the joke. She did. Self deprecation to me is self-awareness. You know, and sometimes maybe we take it too far. We take it too far here on the show. But I believe self-deprecation is self-awareness. If you can't laugh at yourself, then everybody else who's laughing at you is going to be hurtful.

You've got to understand your own limitations. And she did. And she leaned into it. Oh, yeah. She played it up. She led with the boob jokes, and then she won you over with her intelligence and her charm and her charisma and her kindness. And Winston Marcellus said this. This is a quote that I was reading about yesterday.

I've never heard a wrong note from Dolly Parton. She was an incredibly and prodigious creator of music, and she never sang a wrong note. She had perfect pitch. She was always on pitch. She was always good. You look at some of those old videos of her singing like Islands in the Stream with Kenny Rogers, live on TV. Unlike everybody else today, she was singing live on television with Kenny Rogers. And she hit it pitch perfect.

She was so fucking talented, this woman. So fucking talented. And she never took it for granted. And she always gave back. And like, and she was one of the last, I think, iconic both sides of the aisle stars and our don't. divisive world. I think everybody appreciated Dolly. Dolly used to say that you can hear my politics in my music, but I mostly sing about love because that's where my head and my heart are, right? She really just cared about people. And I think, I know it's going to sound weird. And I know this is a weird

conclude, that's like a weird line to draw. But I think Dolly Parton and Richard Simmons were similar in this way. They were self-deprecating. They leaned in on the joke. They hammed it up. They were both very talented in their own way. They were iconic in their own way. And they loved people. Like they never met a person they didn't like. They were always shaking hands and kissing babies and doing these things. And of the stars of our time, like the people that we were young with, those two come to mind when you think of like good human beings running around doing good for people and also being super savvy about their careers. Right. I mean, you know, Richard is a different ilk. Let's put it. Let's put it down there.

He's in another little category, but I can see the crossover. You see how there's similar personality, like there's similar threads in the way that they were just empathetic people who didn't give a shit who you voted for. They gave a shit if you were doing okay. I wish we had more of that and less of this, whatever we're dealing with now. And I think the world is worse off for not having Dolly Parton, but better off for having known her. And she will be remembered forever. Forever. Forever. I was looking through her. You want to take a trip down memory lane here?

Sure. Just a little bit. I'm doing this, and I know that I'm probably totally getting blocked on Spotify, but I don't care. Islands in the Stream has half a million plays. Islands in the Stream, to me, is one of the best songs ever. Oh, yeah. Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton? I didn't get better than that. I know. My friend and I sang it one time at a party, karaoke. Oh, you did? I wear a wig and a little. You leaned into it, huh? Oh, yeah. You balloons. When I was locked inside, there was something going on.

You do something to me that I can't explain. Hold me closer and I feel no pain. Every beat of my heart. They got something going on. Dender love is fine. Wiles our dedication All this love We need needs no conversation

We're riding together Uh-huh Islands in the stream That 967 The Legend You're listening to Late Night on the Legend With Brian and Kane Hamboat and Haudley

I think we hit the post We hit the post and then we went beyond the post What a great fucking song. Oh, so good. But of course, I think her most famous song would of course be Jolie. Well, Joeline. And I will always love you. I will always love you.

It will be her most famous song ever, but not because of her because of Whitney Houston. But it is one of the most listened to songs ever. And that song, and just on its own made her $10 million. $10 million? Wow. The Whitney Houston version? Yes. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Not a bad day at the office. Yeah. Not a bad day of the office. When you make $10 million of someone else singing your head. What a great song. Just classic Appalachia country.

But so accessible. Like, there's nothing inaccessible about Jolene or Islands in the Stream. Or, or... I just watched it last night again. Do do, do, do. What a classic bass line. Oh, yeah. Tumble out of bed and a stumble to the kitchen.

Yourself a cup of my ambition. Let's start and try to come to life. I can listen to Dolly all day long. I know. Let's just listen to Dolly. Hey guys, thanks for joining us. Talk to you next episode. It's a dolly song.

And what a great. I mean, that movie was so fantastic and ahead of its time, too, to do with women and rights in the workplace. I mean, just amazing. The three of them, too, are just iconic together. A classic combination. Dabney Coleman. I just went to the, I just went to. to the Davney restaurant the other day. And I was like, that's the whitest name I've ever heard.

Davney Coleman is the whitest man you've ever met. But he is great in that movie, too. Oh, he's so good. That's what my mom would just die laughing when he got strung up on the, with the garage. That contraption they made. Pulled him up on the garage lift. Oh, it's just lovely. Nine to five. What a sensation. If you weren't around at the time, and I was very young. I mean, I don't want to try and make it sound like I was like, you know, 28 when this movie came out. I was very young, but I remember what a worldwide sensation this movie was because it tackled sexism in the workplace in a way that made it easy for everyone to kind of get in on the joke, but then also understand that this is what's going on. Yeah, bring it to light. Bring it to light. That's right.

I think women had been feeling this for a long time. So I'm talking to my kid yesterday. And, you know, I listened to a lot of news and I watch a lot of news. It's just part of my life. Part of I'd like to be informed. but then it's also part of my work, actually. Yeah. So we're watching the news.

So we heard in the afternoon that Dolly had died. And then he kept saying, you know, oh, Dad, you know, Dolly Parton was a singer. Yeah, Dolly Parton was singer. I listened to some songs. Oh, yeah, I know 9 to 5, blah, blah. And then I was talking to Aser, and I was telling her what a great person Dolly was and how she did all this for women's rights. And he said, well, what did she do for man's rights?

And I said, hey, kid, we got it okay. We got it okay. we're going to be just fine here. And I had to explain to him that there was a time when women just were not too long ago. And there are many circles where this is still the case. I'm looking at you, Mississippi, where women were not considered equal in the workplace, outside the workplace, anywhere, and that they were just supposed to be subservient to men. Well, he didn't know what subservient men.

But I said, you know, I just, like I beat it into his head about, you know, You know, anyway, whatever, doesn't matter. Part of that, part of the ball gets rolling because of Dolly. And I was sharing with you that, you know, during this interview with Larry King, she has just such a daft way of sharing that information, such a daft way of explaining it, that it doesn't really threaten. Oh, very non-threatening because, I mean, she would use her laugh, too, you know, and a big smile and say what she wanted to say.

Yeah. It's coming out of it. of that package, it's hard to be mad, right? Yeah, and she knew it. She knew the package was the entrant. She knew it, and she used it to every advantage all the time. She stuck with it. She stayed true.

She loved it. Those two big balloons, they came at you, and that award-winning smile and the beauty. She knew it. She never over-sexualized. She never, like, that I know of, never went the road of, you know, just like, you know, selling out with her body. Her body obviously was part of the package, but she always made you take her seriously

because she was saying serious things in a way that was non-threatening. Dolly will be missed. Yeah, I mean, just that sparkle. I'm just glad to have been on the same timeline. Amen. I'm glad to have been on the same, you know, outer space journey with someone so incredible. There's so many people I can think of that I am glad.

David Bowie and some part of Freddie Mercury and, you know, all these people, Kurt Cobain, like, you're glad you have taken this journey and been in this particular version of time, or at least be aware of this version of time. And Dolly is one of those people, one of the last great superstars. And she will be sorely missed

because the earth needs a lot more Dolly Parton and a lot less whatever the fuck. We are watching 24 hours, seven days a week. It's just such a shit show. And she was really a bright light in a dark sea. and I'm really sad. And I'm sad for all the people that loved her.

And I'm sad for women, and I'm sad for women entrepreneurs. And I'm sad because Dolly was a shining example of, you know, how you navigate this very complicated world and stick to your guns. And so I will tell my daughters when they are old enough to understand. I will tell my daughters, you should pay attention to Dolly Parton because she is someone who lives life. the way we could all only hope to have like a sliver of that when we go. I know. She grew up with 12 children. In a one room shack.

Without electricity. 12 children. One room. Firewood stove. No electricity. No running water. No running water. Singing songs at age five.

First television appearance at 10. First television appearance at 12 or 13 years old. Grand old opera at 15 years old. This girl was. doing it. I mean, she was really, she was doing it. She was determined and she did it. Absolutely, she did. To the fullest. Absolutely. Good for you.

Fucking Dolly, ride, girl, right off into the sunset. You deserve it. 80 years old, you did it. Hey, 80 years. That's pretty good. No one wanted to see Dolly old and, you know, knocking around with, you know, hobby knees and all that other stuff. We could have used a few more years. But I guess what you can accept is that by all tense and purposes, Dolly may have died of a broken heart

because her longtime husband who was behind the scenes, you never saw him. He just died. He just died last year in March. And by all accounts, she started to get sick after that and have health problems, though she would make appearances.

Sometimes they were by video, and she said that she was, you know, her body was stressed and she had some GI issues and all this other stuff. But a short battle with cancer is the official cause of death, some kind of cancer.

They haven't announced it yet. But you can only hope that it was kind of quick. and painless and all that good stuff. By all accounts, I think it was. The amazing thing was, and I saw this also, is it Chrissy and I were talking about this on text message yesterday. And we have a friend, I'm assuming the same friend that lives in Nashville, or who was sent you that picture? Oh, my friend, Chris. Okay, Chris, her friend in Nashville sent a picture of the entrance, one of the streets on the way

to Dollywood, and it was just... No, on the way to her house. Oh, on the way to her house. And Nashville. Okay, okay, okay. I thought that was Dollywood. in Nashville. All right. So just... Yeah, people were dropping on flowers and memorials stuff. Cars all over the place.

Wow. Yeah. And apparently they had to shut down Dollywood because of so much traffic people trying to get there to pay homage to... And their website crashed

yesterday when I tried to go to it. Yeah, crazy. It's just, it's unbelievable. It just shows you the power of... And I was telling Christy this. Dollywood is like the third on some years, the third most visited theme park

in the world. And I have heard that it is the best rated theme park in the world. It's a great one. She fucking started a theme park and now it rivals Disney. I know. That's unbelievable. Disney is one in a million.

Like you're never going to see another Disney, I don't think. Not in our lifetime. And what he created theme park wise is enduring and people love it and they spend way too much money to go there. But there's like another version of that and that is Dollywood. Yep. And by all accounts,

anyone who's ever been there, I have not. But anyone who's ever been there says it's one of, it's like so enjoyable. I went when I was younger, and so I didn't fully appreciate it because I wanted the fast rides and the huge roller fosters. They've got a little bit more. I mean, I always was like, oh, six flags or whatever. But it's like an all-encompassing experience. You know, you learn about her heritage, her family, and all of that along with the rides and the entertainment.

Good for you, Dolly. Good for you. Love you, kid. All right. Here's looking at you. All right, let's do this. Let's take a short break. on a, you know, on a sad but joyful day.

We'll remember the good things, right? Which they were all good. Yeah, I don't have a bad word to say about, Dolly. I was saying that to Jeff, too. I'm like, God, I mean, what a career out of all of those years, 70 years or whatever. Like, there was never any kind of like, oh, Dolly's falling off the wagon or like, there's some huge scandal of something. Dolly's sleeping with 13-year-old boys and sniffing coke. Yeah, never any of that. Never, never. Not a whiff of controversy.

Find that controversy besides she supported gay rights and liked the COVID vaccine to cure us all of this terrible disease. It was a terrible sickness that was going. I'd like you to find a bit of information about Dolly that wasn't so charming. I'm sure that you could drudge something up if you tried. But there was no big, huge, like, oh my God, Dolly Parton's being such an, you know, Yahoo right now. None of that. And that is almost just as amazing as the career. or she had. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, if I ever had that level of fame, there would be so much to talk about. So much. People would come out of the woodwork. That guy's an asshole. He owes me $5. I hate Brian Green. He said we could never run for office. He was the worst boyfriend. Oh, I could never run for office. Although, look who's in office right now. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. A criminal drifting crazy person. Oh, my God. I don't want to talk about it today. Not on Dolly's Day. No. Next episode, we'll talk about it. Not today. All right. We'll find some other stuff to talk. about when we get back. I want to talk about Perez Hilton. You know, we'll just make it a day of talking

about, you know, people who are dead are almost dead. Oh, God. All right, I'll be back. I'll be back. Excuse me. I don't know why I'm talking in the first person. We'll be back. Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on TCB. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears. And I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speaking of mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to TCB Podcast.com and visiting the contact us page. You can also

find the entire commercial break library. Audio and video, just in case you want to look at Chrissy, at TCBpodcast.com. Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333-3-3-TCB. That's 212433-3822. Tell us how much you love us and we'll be sure to let the world know

on a future episode. Or you can make fun of us. That'd be fine too. We might not air. that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay. Just send a text. We'll respond. Now, I'm to go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors, and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break. Such a different rendition than Whitney did, and I have to say that I think I enjoy the Whitney one much more than I enjoy the Dolly one, but I appreciate the beauty in the lyrics. She wrote that for Porter Wagner when she was leaving a show. Yeah. And, I mean,

Do you remember the first time you heard the Whitney Harrison fusion? Oh, God. Well, yeah. I remember it like it was yesterday. I mean, I went to go see the bodyguard in the theater. Oh, you did? Yeah. And I mean, boom. Holy shit.

That was a huge, huge, huge hit. I remember being, I was working at McDonald's at the time. I think it was 15 years old. I was working at McDonald's and I got in a car that somebody was going to drive me home. One of the older, like, manager ladies or something was going to drive me home. Probably trying to have sex with me because that's what they did. Well, the older manager ladies. Oh, my God.

The older manager ladies at McDonald's were not afraid of young boys. I'm just going to share that. At least this McDonald's, they loved it. It was like a crop of young men that they could just like molest. I mean, not actually molest. But, you know, times were different back then. Let's put it that way. So she was driving me home and she had on some radio station and that song came on.

And I just remember it like every hair on the back of my head stood up. It was unbelievable. It's one of those ones that if you're prone to get chills on songs, emotional moments that it gave me chills. I just remember it. Well, it was a last minute ad by Kevin Costner. He's the one who at the last minute was like, I think this song would be great for Whitney and... Man, was he right? Yeah. Yeah. Kevin Costner, listen, for all Kevin Costner's bullshit, and there's a lot, like, he's another one. He is not free from controversy.

see. Kevin Costner is also a prodigious creator who has either made or touched some of the things that can be only considered pop culture gergonauts. Dances with wolves. The first time I saw that in the theaters with my mom at like 13 years old, it's a four fucking hour movie. I mean, it's not a short movie. But I remember being fascinated by every minute of it. I really thought that from the score to the actual movie to the story was just unbelievably moving. and touching and beautifully done and shot. And then I learned recently. I knew Kevin and Whitney were friends,

but I forgot that he had given this eulogy at her funeral that was so touching and so heartbreaking that you couldn't help, but it couldn't help but bring a tear to your eye. And he wept like a baby when they played that song. I will always love you at the funeral showing, you know, him and Whitney on the set. Apparently they were good friends until the moment she died.

like he really fell in love with her. I mean, in a friendship way. They fell in love with each other. And he had a lot to do with her being such a superstar because he put her in this movie. He believed in her when no one else did. He demanded that she play this role, even when the executives were like,

she's not an actress. She can't do this. Even when at first the daily takes were bad and she wasn't really doing great acting, he just kept pushing her. Like, you can do this. I know you can do this. And it turned out, that also turned out to be a sensation of a movie.

Like, if you were alive and when the bi, bodyguard came out. That's all anybody talked about for like three months was this movie, The Bodyguard. Didn't it win the Academy Award for Best Picture? Or did she win the Academy Award? I don't know. I don't know. Whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's such a beautiful song written by Dolly, mastered by Whitney Houston, I would say, just gave it a whole different spin, and it was such a beautiful movie. Not so beautiful. Is an update on Perez Hilton. We talked about this a couple of weeks ago when Perez went on TikTok and sliced himself.

to heaven, to hell, live on TikTok, and you probably have your head in a hole if you haven't heard this, but I managed, I did see the video. It was incredibly graphic and incredibly terrifying. I couldn't watch it. And clearly he was in bad shape. And what happened was after he got off TikTok,

he continued to apparently hurt himself and then fell many times because of all the blood everywhere. It was slippery and he was naked and he broke many bones in his arms and his ribs and stuff. like this. And so he has so many stitches, they say, that he will be in the actual hospital for a good period of time, but then he's going to go to a facility where he's going to get checked out. But here's a weird thing. So his husband, who Perez did a podcast with, put out an episode of the podcast just this week. Really? Which seems like too soon, if I'm saying, but anyway,

the kids are okay. They're with Perez's mom, apparently. That's who has legal custody of them right now. why they're not with the husband, I don't know. But that's what he said. He also said that he had a theory that Perez got sepsis-induced psychosis, which apparently is a thing. You know, he went through this bad bout of sepsis, which kind of pre was a prelude to all of this terribleness happening on TikTok and lost a bunch of weight and got very sick and almost died and was in critical condition for weeks.

And he had a really bad case of sepsis. which is when your kidneys fail or what yeah it's when your body when your body starts to get toxic yes essentially your kidneys and your liver your organs stop failing to clean your blood and so your blood is getting is getting dirty essentially it's the virus or the bacteria is overcoming your body and it's when you turn jaundice and it can it's a death sentence in certain situations but apparently it can also cause psychosis really and so his husband had an interesting theory that he really saw a change after the sepsis. And anybody who watched Perez Hilton knew that when he got out of that whole deal with sepsis, the dude was like, believed that Jesus

Christ himself had come down and touched. And listen, okay, religious moment, you know, awakening, all that other stuff, maybe. But he was really talking some hoobly goobly. You talked about that. Yeah. He went weird. Like, Perez has always been weird. Just extreme. But he went extreme. Like, he believed that God was touching him and talking through him and that his, you know, Now he was, his job was to tout the Bible and all this stuff. It just went crazy. And I could see how maybe, like if you had this particular form of psychosis that, that provides a theory for sure. Yeah.

I believe some religious mania is a form of psychosis. Like, you see some of these people that I was watching this video of these people at church. And like one of these fundamentalist Christian groups. And they're like throwing themselves over couches and doing flips down the aisle and, you know, whacking themselves on the head, they're going fucking bananas. And the only explanation is like collective group thinks psychosis.

That's the only, like the Nazis had or something, because it's just crazy how these people are acting. And I have to believe that when your pituitary gland is going crazy and you're in psychosis, there's some kind of belief just like when I took ayahuasca

that you might be God. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you get there. You get a little closer to there. You get a little closer to like God-induced mania. And I think maybe he might be on to something that maybe Perez was suffering from some kind of psychosis that was induced by a really bad bow to sepsis. And now the guy will never be the same.

And I think just like Wendy Williams, we probably have seen the last of Perez Hilton publicly, at least for a very long time. Yeah. Because didn't Wendy Williams go crazy too? Something like that. I, you know, I didn't really watch her or then keep up with her. Yeah.

Because there were a couple of documentaries, right, that came out. There were documentaries where her manager was stealing money and keeping her. But then the manager was like, no, I have it all on paperwork. Like, this is what I'm supposed to be. Yeah, she got like guardianship or something. Yeah, she got guardianship of Wendy. Yeah. So I don't know.

I don't know either. But Wendy Williams is never my favorite, but I can appreciate that some people liked her. But I remember she, like, passed out on air. a couple times. It went, like, it went from bad to worse real quick. Yeah, there were some incidents. Yeah, there were some incidents. It's terrible. I feel really bad for the children as who I feel bad for as far as Perez is concerned. Me too. I mean, you know, how do you explain that? How are you going to explain all those scars on your body if you survive? How are you going to explain all of that to your children what happened? Psychosis would be one of the ways. Yeah. But you have to be a certain

age to explain psychosis. I try and explain it to my kids. I'm in psychosis. Having, I'm having chicken noodle soup-induced psychosis. Oh, gosh, you're a thing. Yeah, I'm going to get my gold bladder removed, I think. That's going to be a fun day at the office. I mean, you get older, you just start losing parts. That's what it's all about. Yeah, you just never know what's around the corner.

You really don't. Getting old is not fun. And I'm not even that old. I mean, you know, I'm older than probably a good chunk of the population, but I'm not that old. And I mean, maybe I am. Things just start breaking down. Things start breaking down. About two weeks ago, I forgot what I had eaten, something here at the house.

I eat something an hour later. I'm in a lot of discomfort. It feels like gas, but, you know, I'm not blowing any horns anywhere. You know what I'm saying? I'm not like tooting around the house or anything. But it feels like gas. There's like those gas bubbles that you can get in your stomach. And yeah, it doesn't, it won't release.

It just sticks there, right? Yes. But I have the full-proof way to get that out, at least in my body. And I have known this about myself for years, is that I can put my head down on the ground and my ass up in the air. And if I don't release gas the first time, I sit back up and then I do it again. Really? Yes.

And eventually, it moves, at least in my body. And I've taught this trick to my kids when they've had bad gas. I used to do it with my kids when they were babies. if they had gas, I would put their little butts up in the air and like kind of hold their shoulders down and then rub the bottom of their belly. And you, every time, every fucking time. Astrid was like, that's amazing. And I'm like, I know. Because gas wants to move this way when the solid stuff wants to move that way. So you just kind of push it up there. So man, I'm on the floor. I'm like doing all kinds of tricks. I'm flipping around. I'm pressing my stomach. But I just cannot release this discomfort

in this pain. And eventually it kind of moves up under my rib cage. But I eventually go to sleep. That was like two weeks ago, three weeks ago. Then I'm in New York last week, last Thursday. And I, it's pissing rain, pissing fucking rain. And I had been invited to go somewhere. But I was like, man, I don't want to, you know, I don't have a car in New York. So I'm like, I don't know.

I have no interest in going out right now. Let me order some food to the room. So I order a chili dog and some French fries to the room. Now, you know, I'm starting to, I'm starting. Are you at a fair? Yeah, I'm starting to disagree with Uber Eats, the premise of Uber Eats altogether because I can't think of a meal that I've had from Uber Eats in the last year that I've actually enjoyed. It's just old and weird and googly gock.

Go to the fucking place and pick it up. Go to the place and sit down and eat. Make it in your house. Uber Eats, God bless you. I'm sure a lot of people love you. And I know a lot of people make money doing this. But any of those services. And then I'm watching like these videos online.

A little side note. Watch these videos online. There's one lady in particular. I don't know she's following these people around or they're sending her these videos, but she must have 50 videos of like Uber eats people picking up food and then going into the bathroom with your fucking food and then coming back out. Yeah. And people, some guys are in there for like 10 minutes. It's like they're not pissing. You know what I'm saying? They're taking your food into the restroom. What? I didn't even think about that. Like you know when they're going to pick up the food at the restaurant and they go ahead and relieve themselves while they're there. That's right. Got to take a peach. So I'm going to go in there. Oh, got some gas bubbles. Let me put my head down on the floor in the McDonald's bathroom. I didn't even think about that. Oh, my God. I remember a time my first wife when I was a little story about me and my first wife and I. I did not like her for the first six months. I knew her. Her name is Julia. And I love Julia now, by the way. I love Julia. Yeah, Julia was great. Julie is great. When Julie and I first started dating, it just kind of came upon us. Like all of a sudden one night we were at a party and we're making

out. And that's just kind of how it happened. Wah bam! Tung down your throat. Wham! It just kind of happened. And then it was just started kind of this whirlwind romance that we had and ended up in marriage that ended up in divorce. So, you know, world win, world win romance that probably should have ended after the wind stopped blowing. Do you know what I'm saying? But speaking of wind blowing, I remember having gas so fucking bad one night, but I didn't want to let fly. Well, right. And it became. became a problem by the end of the night. I was all stuffed up. I was like not feeling it. I remember laying in this bathroom of this rented room that I had, like this downstairs bathroom and butt up in the air. And I was just like, please release. Please release. And I did.

And it went. And when I got out of the bathroom, Julia was like, did that feel good? And I was like, damn it, we farted in front of each other. It all goes downhill from here. Start farting in front of each other. It all goes downhill. But I eat this chili dog in New York, and I will tell you something. I mean, it's just a chili dog. And I know that it's a lot of food, but it's not like the world's biggest amount of food. It's a chili dog. Yeah.

I still keep believing you ordered a chili. I know, with a lot of weird-looking chili on top of it and some cheese and some French fries. Oh, my gosh. And so I have this chili dog, and I was writhing in fucking pain for like two hours. I just could not get relief no matter which way I turn my body. But okay, whatever. So then on, oh, this was a week, this was two weeks ago, actually. So then a week ago, Saturday, I have something here at the house to eat.

And in an hour and a half later, I tell Astrid, I think I want to go to the hospital. My stomach hurts so bad. And she's like, you want to go to the hospital? I'm not that guy. I don't go to the hospital for every little ache and pain. As a matter of fact, I'd rather stay away from the hospital. Did you go to the actual hospital? The actual emergency room.

You went to the emergency room. No sunshine. I went to the emergency room. That's how bad I was feeling. So two Saturdays ago, okay. Do you have to wait forever? No, I didn't actually. I'll tell you the story.

So two Saturdays ago, I tell Astrid, I want to go to the emergency room. But eventually I find some relief. Like eventually it just kind of calms down. You know, I don't remember like having, I don't remember farting a lot But okay, whatever. I just like, my stomach calms down. I go to sleep. Life moves on.

Then this whole chili dog incident happened. That was Friday. Then on Sunday, I will tell you what. And I will tell you what, as soon as we get back from this. I love to do that to you guys. I do love to do that to you guys just to kind of fuck with you. It pulls you through the commercial, and that's my job, guys, to pull you through the commercial. So Chrissy and I can make another $7 next month.

from our friends at all, City. We'll be back. Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break.

Text or call us 212-4333-3-TCB. That's 212-4333822. Visit our website, TCB Podcast.com for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos

at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. And finally, share the show. It's the best gift. you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian? That really wasn't that difficult. Now, was it? You're welcome.

Just to go. I should love is to do what? Are these two making sense? At least I didn't pay. I'm deaf in my defense. It is a pretty good song. It is. It's pretty catchy.

Yeah. All right. So Sunday, I eat like a 13-year-old again. Astrid has got to do so. works. The kids are going fucking bananas. You know, it's the weekend. The kids are running all over the place, making noise and sound and leaving toys in every orifice

in the entire building. And it's just like, I can tell. Astrid's like kind of at end of a rope. So I say, you know what, babe? Hero to the rescue. I'm taking the kids to the McDonald's play place, which we don't. You know, we have maybe like a treat meal once a month for the kids. But sometimes

I go to places like, I haven't had McDonald's in a long time. I'm like, I have no interest in McDonald's. No. None. Zero. It does not interest me in the least. Besides those damn French fries and occasionally a hot fudge soda, I'm telling you what. That McDonald's is fucking nasty. So I go, hey babe, let me take the kids and I'll go for a couple of hours. That's exactly what I do. And I order a number one, a Big Mac that I haven't had in a long time, French fries, and then eventually we get some ice cream. The kids do and I have some ice cream too. And I come home and I start to feel a little sleepy. And since I got my parathyroid removed, I really don't feel the need to take a nap too much. But I'm like, okay, oh, sorry. And now everyone's calling my phone, and I've got it connected to the damn thing.

Hold on, let me turn my ringer off here. So I tell you, I think I got to take, like, a little nap. She's like, okay, go take a nap. I take a nap, and when I wake up, there it is. That uncomfortable, bloated feeling, a little bit of pain in my stomach. And I'm like, God damn, what is this? You know, and I think, ah, it's the McDonald's. You know, I hate the McDonald's.

It's not good for your stomach. Like, of course my stomach's upset. I'm eating like a 12-year-old and I'm almost fucking 50. I can't do this anymore. You know, I'm just beating myself up over this meal that I just ate. But I didn't have time to beat myself up because 30 or 40 minutes later, I literally flop down on the couch. And I'm in pain. I'm in tears are starting to come down.

I'm in so much fucking pain. It's right up under my rib cage. It just won't go away. I got my ass in the air. I'm doing the dance. I'm trying to get the farts moving. Something's got to move here. And I go to make myself like,

cup of like smooth move tea, like a tummy tea. And I can't even do that. I'm in so much pain. And eventually, I go to the front door. I start putting on my shoes. I'm like in, I'm in so much pain. I'm having tunnel vision. All I want is relief. I almost forget to tell Astor that I'm going to the hospital. I just, and she goes, where are you going? And I go, I'm going to the hospital. She's like, you are going to the hospital? I said, yes. I'm going to the hospital. She goes, oh, honey, you must be in pain. Yeah. You know you are. And then she said, you don't look good. And I'm like, okay, well, then that's, all the signs are there. Time to go to the hospital.

I go in, immediately they take me back. Immediately. That's amazing. Yeah. Immediately they take me back. Immediately they put me back there. Something about me that is not my favorite thing about my body. I mean, besides my mantis, my flabby ass, and my lack of hair, there's something about

my body that I have never liked. That is, I don't have veins that are good for. Oh. Taking blood. Blood. Yeah. And I've told this story before that they have had to have, like, professional phlebotomists to take my blood before. And one of them almost suggested going in through my neck.

Oh, through my neck. Oh, God. Oh, God is right. I mean, so, yeah, just on either arm. On either arm. They're not there. Yeah. And so there's two nurses, and they're not one, two nurses, a man and a woman.

And they are dancing around my arms. They are sticking me. They are pulling it in and out like this, trying to get the. I know. She busted one of my veins, and it started like my wrist started filling up with blood, like under my skin. And she was like putting a hot compress on it, trying to get it to go away. I think she realized she fucked up. And they brought in the big guns. They brought in some lady. It was like, you know, older and they knew what she was doing. And eventually they found one. But I'll tell you what, that stomach pain, all I want to do is lay down. I'm shaking. I'm in so much pain. It's freezing fucking cold in the hospital. And all I want to do is just lay down. And all I want to do is just lay down. And they keep sticking me and poking me. It was like the worst experience ever. And then finally I get laid down and the guy comes in and he says, going to give you some fentanyl. Enjoy the ride. Right? He's like, enjoy the ride. This will take care of the pain. Guarantee. It did not. It did not take care of the pain. It brought the pain from a nine to an eight and a half, if that. And then eventually

some other woman comes in with a badge on and says, okay, and I have a bag of IV fluids, by the way. bag of IV fluids, this thing sticking in my arm. I'm laying down, trying to get comfortable, just trying to get in a position that's not killing me. And she's like, okay, I need you to grab your bag there and we're going to go and you're going to wait out front. We'll get you an ultrasound as soon as we can. And I'm like, you want me to go where? And she goes, oh, just go sit back out front. And I'm like, back up front in the waiting room.

And she's like, yeah, you need to go sit in the waiting room. We need the room. Okay, so that you had to go back out there with your IV and everything. I go back out. And, like, there's two areas. There's a big waiting area. And there's a hallway where the bathrooms are and there's like a couch there. So that's right outside the door.

So I just go sit on that couch. I'm like, I can't believe she's asking me to do this. Like this is not sitting is the least comfortable position. And I don't want to be sitting there. Well, they don't do that on the pit. No, they don't do that on the pit. Yeah, they don't do that on the pit. So the second that I sit down, I'm not there, the second I sit down, I start feeling nauseous.

And I'm not sitting there for a minute. And I'm like, oh, shit, here. comes. And I run to the bathroom and I don't make it all the way to the toilet and I just vomit everywhere, right? And then I'm doing that for like two minutes and that whole number, like violently vomiting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can hear Green, Brian Green. Brian Green. And I'm like, and here. And he pops open the door. And he's like, you okay, man? And I'm like, I made a mess. And he's like, it's okay. We're going to clean it up. He's like, but you need to come back. He's like, I don't know why she took you out there.

You need to come back. And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. So then I go back, I lay down. Lady comes in. Nice as lady with the big ultrasound machine, turns off all the lights, gets me a blanket, so at least I'm a little bit warm. And then she does an ultrasound,

and she's putting like that warm gel on my belly. Oh, man, I'll tell you what, if there was any relief whatsoever, it was this lady putting that warm jelly on me. Yeah, which is like a little bit of warmth to calm the shaking down a little bit. bit to have this like rolling that thing kind of almost like relieved the pain at times. She had me turn over on my side. She was doing the whole number. And she's like, you are so distended.

Your belly is so full of gas right now. And she's like, I can't really see your gallbladder, which is what I need to get at. She goes, so I got to keep moving you around and so we can find a place. And she's like, if you need to let it rip, let it rip. And I'm like, I don't need to let it rip. I don't know. I wish I could. I wish I could. Right. So eventually she gets the images that she needs. And I'm like, okay, what do you think? And just like the ultrasound, when you have a fucking baby, anybody who's at a baby and has had an ultrasound, a diagnostic ultrasound, will know the absolute fucking misery that is the 20 minutes between the ultrasound ending and the doctor coming in to tell you everything is okay or not okay. Because the ultrasound

technicians will never say a fucking word. They won't. And I'm like, so did you find goalstones? And she's like, that's a question you got to ask the doctor. And I'm like, you didn't see anything. And she's like, they won't say anything. Yeah. She goes, I'm not the doctor. I can't diagnose. And she goes, I know you want the answers. I promise you'll get them quickly. I just can't say anything. It's just part of my job. And I'm like, okay, I'm not going to bother. He comes in and he says, listen, don't see anything. Don't see any goldstones. But that means nothing. Classic gallbladder symptoms, you described it to a T. You've got a gallbladder problem. I can almost guarantee it. But we have to do right now what's called watchful waiting. We got to see how this episode progresses.

We got to get you to a surgeon. Let them make a final determination about taking out. What I can tell you right now is it's a not-in-emergency surgery situation. We would only do that if we saw Goldstone's blocking the bile duct. If we saw that, then we would immediately go take you back and get your gall-bladder removed so you can get relief immediately. Unfortunately, this is not one of those situations. I just can't order a surgery because you don't, because you're feeling like your gallbladder has problems. Right. And I'm like, you're telling me my gobladder has problems. I'm not feeling like my gallbladder has problems. You're the one, you're the doctor. Like, you know, you know what I'm saying. I don't know what the fuck it is. Could be food poisoning for all I know.

Exactly. Yeah, you weren't even thinking gallbladder. I, I, I thought it, but I didn't know it. Like, until he started talking in that direction, you know, I didn't know. So here I am, just vomited, on fentanyl, getting no relief, and they're kicking me out of the hospital. But you know what, at that point? Okay, let me go home. If I'm not getting surgery, let me go fucking home where I can warm up, take a hot shower.

Yeah, I got home. The pain was worse than it was when I was at the hospital. I'm vomiting still. After hours of writhing around in that bed, I finally get to sleep. And the next day, I don't feel much better. I feel better in the morning, but then I feel worse in the afternoon.

And still right now, I'm still not 100% comfortable. And I went to the surgeon this morning and he's like, dude, there's a test we can do. But I'm not going to do that test. Because even if I did that test, it's one and two things is going to happen. Either it's going to confirm what I think already suspect is the gallbladder. And I'm going to put you through another attack. And you're going to have to sit in a fucking scanning machine for four hours sitting still.

That's how long the test takes. Four hours. Four hours, he said. He goes, it's a four hour test. You're going to have to sit still for four hours. Jesus fucking Christ. It's modern medicine doesn't have a better. machine on four hours? I guess it's like how long it takes. But to be fair, my goldbladder attack didn't

happen right after I ate. It happened hours after eight. Yeah. Okay. And he said, if you're my brother, my cousin, my sister, I'm taking this thing out. You don't need it. I'm taking it out. I can almost guarantee you're going to find relief. Otherwise, you're walking around with a loaded gun and you're waiting for the next attack to happen. And he said, and I've been eating crackers for three days. And I'm like, yeah, And I don't know how long I can eat crackers. And he's like, exactly. And I go, well, should I go like eat a burger and see if, and he's like, dude, no. No.

No, no, no, no. He's like, you want to end up back of the hospital? And he's like, here's the good news. You're not going to die with a gallbladder attack. It may feel like you're going to die. You ain't going to die. It's anything that's fatty, right? It's true is it.

But it not always. That's the thing. He said, the gallbladder is a moody son of a bitch. And whatever mood it's in, it's going to do what it's going to do. Sometimes you can eat a bunch of fatty food. Nothing happens. Your gallbladder reacts just as it should. And sometimes it lets out this sludgy material.

And the sludgy material closes up the sphincter, not your sphincter, your asshole. He was telling me that the body has many sphincters. And I thought, oh, awesome. Valves. More holes to play with. Yeah, there's a lot of valves going on in that area. And he says, sometimes it's closed. Sometimes it's open.

Sometimes it contracts when it shouldn't. He goes, but what's happening is your gallbladder contracting and your sphincter's not letting anything through or it's sludgy and he goes and that's the pain it's your body telling you something's wrong with the gallbladder and he says but it doesn't always happen he goes so that's why i'm saying you're walking around with the loaded gun you could pull the trigger it's like Russian roulette you could pull the trigger and nothing happens he goes but I certainly would not pull the trigger that's what I would not do yeah stay away from fatty stuff so I think the conclusion is get the gold bladder removed however I'm talking to my friend

Jose. Anybody who remembers Jose will know that Jose is my friend. Or I like to think of it as my friend. He probably thinks of me as a guy who's bothering him. You guys got a book club. We do. We have a little book club. We send gifts to each other.

And I say gif, not gifts. We send gifts to each other. G.I.F. He actually texted me while I was in the hospital. He's like, hey, brother, here you're down. That's how much my wife and his wife talk. He told me the other day he was giving me some advice on what to do. And he says,

He's a GI. He's a pediatric GI. But that's all the information I want to give. I don't know that he wants to be wrapped up in the world of the commercial break. But he's a GI. And so Jose is telling me, he's like, listen, man, I want to make sure you're feeling good. Because when our wives leave us for each other, it's going to be you and me. And I need you at your best.

I thought that was so fucking funny, actually. So he says, listen, probably right. Definitely agree with him on the scan. Don't worry about that. It's just over information you don't need more expense for the insurance company. No one cares. He's like, probably your gallbladder. But go to a GI if you can, if you can get in and you don't have another attack and they're not like, it's not like persistent pain. Go see a GI just to make sure. Just to get a second opinion. He goes, because here's the thing, Brian, surgeons do surgery. So if you go see a surgeon, a having surgery, they're going to tell you to have surgery. That's how they make money. That's what they do. He goes, no shame on the surgeon. He goes, but it's absolutely an acceptable thing to take your gallbladder out, given your symptoms and the pattern that you have. But go see a GI just for a second opinion. But here's the thing. I'm getting fucking older and I'm losing parts. That's what's happening. My guts are coming out. And I don't like it. I don't like getting old. I have no interest. Well, that's a, I mean, it's a fairly common surgery.

I mean, not common, common, but, you know, it's done a lot. Yeah. He's a general surgeon. So that means, and he works with the hospital. So that means, you know, whenever something happens, he goes and does surgery, right? And he says, I've done probably a hundred of these, maybe more. He goes, almost all the time, every time the symptoms are very similar or the same as what you're explaining, or we see gallstones, one of the two. And he's like, almost every time there's relief. He goes, so that's why I'm telling you.

My experience tells me this is your gallbladder and probably nothing else. But of course, what else is he going to say? Don't have surgery? I mean, he wants to, you know, but I like the guy at least. And he says, listen, of all the gallbladder surgeries I've done, there's only really one possibility of a very bad outcome. And he goes, that's if I cut the wrong cord. And he goes, there's two cords that are right next to each other. If you cut the wrong one, then you have to be transferred to a different hospital and have a big traumatic surgery.

And he goes, and that's pretty bad. He goes, but I'm on a winning streak. I haven't done that yet. And he goes, and I prefer not to start with you. I was like, okay, that's good. But you never want to be under the knife if you don't have to be under the knife. True. Like, why would I volunteer to get general anesthesia if I don't have to do that?

Because, you know, first of all, my wife's already sick of me. She doesn't want me to spend three days in bed. That's not going to happen. Yeah, I mean, having surgery is a big deal. Of course it is. You were talking about it earlier. You would not be able to lift for a few days. Weeks.

Weeks? Yeah. For a few weeks. Yeah, you just don't want to go through it if you don't have to go through it. So you know what? I'm going to do what I'll say, tells me to do. Because he's my friend, and I don't think he would steer me wrong unless he just likes fucking with me.

And in that case, it's funny, and we'll just, yeah, he's not telling me to have surgery. He's telling me to wait to have surgery. So I appreciate it. And he says, listen, sometimes you just need a second opinion. And he's like, anytime you... I agree with that. He said, I think his general point was... Anytime someone says have surgery, get a second opinion just to make sure.

Yes. And I said, that's right. Because the only reason why you would rush to the surgery table is a Brazilian buttlift in a strange country. That's the only reason why you would go to just rush to the surgery table is if you really need that fat ass within a couple of days. You know what I'm saying? Emergency. Fill me up with whatever. Car tire fluid or whatever the fuck they're putting in people's asses.

I'm reading so many nightmare stories about people. Oh, I've heard bad stuff. Who go down to Mexico or wherever. I don't want to give a bad name to Mexican doctors, but apparently the rules are a little bit loose down there. Yeah. And you can just go have anybody can do surgery on you at any time. And people are having all kinds of surgeries.

Conversely, I hear that when you go to Turkey, you get health care for $12. Like world-class health care for $12. Yeah, that turkey situation is a big deal. They will do a full diagnostic workup on you. CAT scan, MRI, heart scan, all the things. Pet scan, ass scan, all the scans. Tap scan, yeah, all the things.

They'll do all the scans. And then have you go to a cadre of specialists to get your blood work, to do all this other stuff, have a visit with them. They'll do it in a three-day period. And you'll be put up in a beautiful hotel with a pool in the whole nine yards. And it's like $5,000 for the whole thing, for everything. And then they just work you up. They do the whole workup. Five grand.

Sounds like a lot of money. But here in the United States, you can't get that unless the insurance company says you can get it. And then the equivalent is like $105,000 to get all of those tests on your own. I wanted to do one of those full body check you for cancer, heart scan. Yeah, it's too expensive. For the full scan, $5,000. One scan, $5,000.

For just the chest part of it, like the heart part of it. of it, $1,300. Now, I had that done one time. I had the heart scan. Yeah, maybe 10 years ago, I had it done, seven years ago, didn't have any plaque, didn't have any calcification, the whole nine yards. But it's been 10 years. And I'm eating McDonald's with my kids. And chili dogs. And Shelly dogs. Look at me. Maybe the point of this is stop eating like a fucking child. Maybe that's really what I need to do. It's stop eating like a three-year-old. Just more conscious. Yeah. Yeah. Getting old sucks. It really does.

But we're all going to get old. It's not for the faint of heart. No, it's not. It's not for any heart. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's not for the strong of heart either. It's just not for your heart.

Well, we'll all be there for you. We'll navigate through this together. Yes. I'm sure I'll be right here on the microphone the day afterwards because I'll have to take a day off. And any day off I have, I'm recording. So there you go. I'll be in here just blood shooting out of four,

holes in my abdomen. I'll bring the gauze. Okay. You know, in Venezuela, you have to bring your own gauze to the hospital. Really? That's no joke. Wow. Yeah.

Did I say the story that Daniel? Aye, but I in. He took a chainsaw to his leg one time. Oh, you did say that. And on the way to the hospital, they asked them to stop and get some gau. Oh, my God. Wow. So we count our blessings.

Yes. Maybe it's $105,000 for a scan, but at least you don't have to pay for your own gauze. That includes gau. Gaug. That's right. But meanwhile, you'll pay $150 per slice of gauze. Yeah. I should tell, and someday, when Astor lets me, I'll tell the story about our first child's birth and how much gauze was used and what the bill for the gauze was. You wouldn't be, it's like $25 for a little thing of gauze. And there were like thousands of them. Yeah. It was a lot. Anyway, get your tits and ass checked, kids. Tits and your nuts. That's right. Get them checked. And we love you, Dolly.

And we love you, Dolly. And Tim Curry. And Tim Curry. Yeah, what a great actor. God, I don't know. He's, his, I want to read his autobiography. That's in my list. Yeah.

Wasn't he in the... Well, he was Rocky Hard Picture Show. Yeah. For sure. But he was also in one of my favorite movies, Clue, the movie. Clue is a good movie, not a great movie. I love it. Okay.

I love the game. Yeah. I love the game. Yeah. My kids love that game. They love that game. I hate it. Oh, you don't like it?

You hate it? Yeah. Monopoly, Clue, Catan, like, I like the game of life and hungry, hungry hippo. That's what I like, yes. All right, okay, TCB Podcast.com at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok. We'll be back in a few minutes. If you're on the stream, we'll be back in a few minutes to do one more episode. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

I think so. Tell you that I love you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and streaming universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say, and we must say. Goodbye.