The Commercial Break - Playing With Your Organs!

Episode Date: September 23, 2026

EP963: THIS episode is the one where Bryan returns from surgery! Technical error are not new to The Commercial Break.... TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Five-thirty! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Holtley. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast and streaming audience.

I am coming to you live and in real person and six pounds less. My gold bladder was 12 pounds heavy. Right. Can you believe that? I lost 12 pounds in the time since I got a good one. went to the hospital for my gallbladder and the time they removed it. So I'm just wondering how much of that. I wish they would give, yeah, they're supposed to give you like a, you know, you go on the portal where they tell you about all the things, you know, the medical history and you have

your medical records now there. I like that because it's all accessible and you can read what the doctors are writing about you, like, you know, drug seeking attention seeking asshole in the hospital. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But at the end of the day, like, oh, wait. Oh, oh, oh. There we go. Okay, I had a little buzz on my, buzz on my microphone. A little buzz in my buzz. But I wish they would give me, they're supposed to do like a diagnosis on the actual gallbladder when they remove it. And I wish that they would put that up for me so that I would be able to see exactly how much it weighed.

It can't weigh more than a couple of ounces, right? It's like the size of your thumb or something. Yeah, it's small. Anyway, that's probably for me eating crackers and soup all the time. Well, I was going to say, yeah, you could barely eat. I will share with you like I've shared with Chrissy. I vastly overestimated the ability for, I know, we're just. We're not actually stuck.

We're stuck on this screen, but not the actual screen. YouTube.com slash the commercial break, in case you want to watch it. So I vastly overestimated my abilities to recover from major surgery. Yes, you did. You thought you were going to jump right back up and be heading out to the weekend party. I thought I was going to be at the party in the woods. Exactly a day later. And I just was so.

You know, like, I've got to go. I remember saying, I was so bound and determined. I remember you saying I'll just sit in the corner and just sit there. And I'm like, picture you being wheeled up. It's like a corner in a cabin. You know, please repeat after me to, you know, in sickness and in health. That's why I didn't even really follow up that weekend. I mean, I did after your surgery.

and you said, I'm an incredible pain. Good call. And that was it. And I was like, well, now he's headed off to the cabins. So, you know. He's headed off to the party of the wood. Thank you for not bothering me because people were texting me. And I was like, fuck out.

I'm a man child. I can't deal with it. First of all, getting put under his, I get there early. And my brother Patrick, who was just a sweet, sweetheart. Because Astrid had, you know, we have three children. children, and it's really difficult to do, and I'll tell more about that, maybe in the future episode, but it's really difficult to get them exactly where they need to go and get them to school, and then Astrid is also a teacher. So there's a lot that's, there's a lot going on in our lives,

and it doesn't stop because Brian's Goldbladder is acting wonky. And she's like, just rip it out, get back to work. Be at the party tomorrow. So, you know, she's like, I can, I'm like, babe, what do you, let me get somebody to cover my, you know, cover my classroom. And I said, listen, this is me, Mr. Stoic. I'm like, babe, the world doesn't stop because I'm getting my globe bladder removed. It's not a big deal. I'm going to go in. I'm going to get, whoop, whoop, I'll be out.

Right. I'll be home before you get done with, club. Woo-whoop. Zip. Bo-knip. Snip. Snip, snip. Robot goes in you, comes out of you.

What's the big deal? They put you to sleep for a couple hours. You're fine. So I just didn't even take any of this very seriously. It's knowing that almost 750,000 people a year here in the United States alone get their gallbladder removed. So I'm like, this is, please, you know, and I've heard so many people have gotten it done. Now, I talk to a lot of people who got it done years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago. And a lot of my family members have had it.

No problem. Was that work two days later? No problem. Three days later, four days later. Oh, really? Yeah. they don't remember, I think, is really what's going on. And it's a different type of surgery that they got. They got the one where they really cut you open, like a six inch scar right under your rib cage and they stick their hands in there and go get it. I got robotic laparoscopic surgery, which is the most recent version of this last five or six years. The people who have gotten it recently, and some of the people I talked to had it like really recently, like weeks or months or within the year, they describe a whole different situation where they were in a lot of pain. for a period of time, and it wasn't whoop, whoop, you know, whoop, it wasn't that. But I just thought, yeah, come on. I mean, how bad can I tend to look at things, you know, the glass half fall in all situations,

like the commercial break. Me too. It's going to work out. Yeah, it's going to work out. Seven years in, we're going to find our lane eventually. So I tell Astrid, listen, don't worry about it. I got it. Keep the normal routine.

And Patrick is like, hey, dude, I'll take you. And I said, just drop me off. Roll me out of the car, the front door. That's what I said. I go, drop me off. And he goes, bro, you're having surgery. Of course I'm going to stay. They're actually, I think they make you stay.

Yeah. And I said, nah. So I talked to the lady the day before. She's telling me all the instructions. Don't eat, don't do this. Take this medicine. Don't take that medicine, all this other stuff. So, and I said, what does my, she goes, I need the phone number of the person who's

going to be with you. And I said, well, does he have to stay the whole time? And she goes, well, see, he doesn't have to sit in a chair the whole time, but he's got to be somewhere in the vicinity. Like, in case something happens, we need, we would like someone there. This is not like getting a tooth removed. Yeah, I just took Rachel for her spine surgery. Oh, yeah, that's a big deal. And I was the same way where, yeah, you have to kind of be in the vicinity. Yeah, you got to be within walking distance. Yeah. In case if something happens, if the surgeon needs to get authorization or do not resuscitate. Right. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, something goes wrong. I'm not taking any of this seriously, really, until the morning of. And then Patrick picks me up, you know, not too early.

Surgery's at 1 p.m. So I didn't have to be there until 11. That wasn't too bad. I could drink coffee in the morning. They told me to drink coffee in the morning. They're like, it's actually a clear liquid. And we would prefer you have coffee so that you don't have a, you know, a steaming hot fucking caffeine headache when you wake up.

So I get there. A clear liquid. Yeah. Well, that's what they say. They say coffee is a clear liquid. Meaning it does, I think meaning it doesn't have like pulp in it or it's not like cream or whatever. no creed. Just like black coffee, a little bit of sweetener in it you can have. Okay, so I do all that.

Don't eat raging hungry. Of course, I never have breakfast, but on the morning of the surgery, I'm raging hungry. Of course. I'm like hangary. So I have my coffee, gets me through. Patrick picks me up. The hospital's five minutes down the street. We zip in there. And I, you know, I walk in. I got a little bag, you know, like a change of clothes just in case, whatever. And as soon as I check in, the nurse comes. The most beautiful nurse you have ever seen in your insurance. entire life. 26, 27 is my guess. Super sweet. Besides the one that did your vasectomy. Exactly. Like hotter than the one that did my vasectomy, right? Absolutely stunningly gorgeous. Of course she is.

And so she comes in and she's like, well, listen, I usually have a nurse tech here with me, but I don't today. So it's just going to be me on my own. So I'm sorry, I'm going to be with you here the whole time. And I'm like, okay, whatever. Cool. And she goes, all right, first things first. Let's, I mean, here's this robe. I'm going to give it to you, just, you know, get undressed and and then lay down and I'll be back in in a minute. And I said, do I like, I keep my underwear on, right? And she goes, no, actually, no, not during surgery. They don't, they prefer you not to have underwear on. She goes, they're going to take it off anyway. So might as well be you the one who does it, right?

And I'm like, but we got two hours before surgery. That gives you 120 minutes to see my small penis. And you're gorgeous. Like, like, we're going to go home together. So I get undressed, and of course, you know, it's freezing cold. I'm having surgery. Now I'm scared. So I've got a shy penis.

Little turtle. I know. Little turtle. Not even a little turtle. It's a little squirrel. It's a little groundhog, the one that I see coming up through the cracks in my pool. Yeah. So I get naked.

And, you know, instantaneously, I have to pee because now I've been drinking liquids all morning. And I got to, and she put a pick line in me. So she's like, well, I'm going to have to help you. to the bathroom. My wing wings flying everywhere. My hairy, white, flabby ass hanging out of the back. And as soon as I stand up,

she's like, let me close this for you. I'm like, of course. You're a nurse, but everyone else here didn't ask for that. So luckily, the bathroom was actually in the room, so I didn't have to go anywhere. I must have peed 10 times before surgery. But then there's like this roving cast of characters that are just coming in and out.

Yes, there are. anesthesiologist, the anesthesiologist assistant. And they're usually funny. I always like talking to the anesthesiologist. This lady was not funny. She was not. Okay. She asked two questions, three questions, and then she was out. And she was not funny.

She was no joke. I tried to give it, I try to judge up the conversation, make me feel better about getting, you know, like this person was going to be watching every breath. But then the, like, the assistance of the anesthesiologist, they came in. And the guy was funny. Like the assistant dude was funny. Yeah.

He's like, you're ready to ride the lightning? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, open your mouth, got to see your tongue. I was like, for what? And he's like, I have to make sure there's nothing in there. And I was like, what would you think I would put in my tongue? Like, and he's like, you never know, some people come in here and they got like, you know, they got teeth that they can take out. And yet they ask him and they don't do it? And he's like, I just got a check. So he's got a flashlight. He's looking around my mouth. And so then the beautiful girl now has been spending an hour and a half with me is like, listen, do you want me to get your brothers? And I said my brothers. And she's like, yeah, you got people out there. And I was like, oh, I didn't know I had people out there. And she's like, you do. Do you want to, like, have them come in? And I was like, yeah, they want to, I guess. And so they come in. And as soon as they come in, you know, like, I think we all kind of do this with family or friends who are having surgery.

We realize in this moment that this, in fact, may be the last time that you see somebody. Yes. So you don't want to make it like a full goodbye. You don't want to like play the boys to men song. It's so hard to sing a fight. to yesterday. But at the same time, there's a small chance.

There's a small chance. So people start acting strange when that surgery's coming up and they're like, take you back to say. Everything's going to be five. That's high fives, love you. Let me give you a hug, brother. And I'm like, that's a fucking funeral, dude.

You know, don't make me feel nervous. And they're like, hey, listen, anything happens, I'll take care of the kids. And I'm like, that makes me feel worse, actually. There's a reason you don't have children and I do. But it was nice. Everybody came and, you know, they're saying goodbye. And then, and then I get my surgery at 115, it's like 105. And all of a sudden, it just hits me. I'm like, oh, shit. Like, they're about to open up my gut and things do go wrong. And let's hope this is not the day.

And by the way, the surgeon didn't come into like five minutes before the surgery. And he was in a mood. He was in a mood. I mean, he just, he's. Had you met him before? Yeah, I'd met him before. Yeah, I'd met him for there's a medication that I take that can contract some things or something, blah, blah, blah. And I know this for my last surgery. And so, you know, he's like, he's talking to me about this. And then he kind of grabs his hat, the surgeon hat, and he pulls it off his head and he sits down in the chair. And he's like, I mean, I don't want to have to call your doctor and kind of get in. Do you have any idea? And I'm like, and I'm like, do I have any idea? He's like asking me medical. And I'm like, he's like, do you know about?

Wasn't this on my charge? Yeah. He's like, I've been taking this for seven years. years. Like it's, I talked to you about it in pre-op. And he's like, yeah, do you have any idea, like what they did last time you had surgery? And I'm like, I don't think we should be relying on my memory to get me through anesthesia. Like, can you talk to another doctor about it? He's like, I got to guess I got to go look it up. I mean, shit. And he walks out of the room. And I was like, that's your fucking attitude. So I got super nervous, like with the 10 minutes beforehand. So I told my brothers. Can you scoot, scoot, skit, skit, skit, skit, like, you know, could you go, please? Who's hot? Who's not? Get the fuck. Out the block. I just want to meditate for a minute, because I was

getting nervous and I didn't want to make everybody else. I did. So I took some deep breaths. Funny anesthesiologist comes in with two other people and it's go time. You know it's go time because everyone just, they open the door and everyone just bowls in and they're like, okay, Mr. Green, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, all right, listen, man, I'm going to give you some medicine. It's to make you feel nice and relaxed right now. And that's Ativan or whatever they give you, right? A Xanax type drug through your pick line. And instantly I'm like, oh, yeah, that's cool, dude. I like that. And that's cool. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, you feeling that? And I go, yeah, I am listening to. My wife comes. I want to make sure I tell him some, we, I'm being rolled into the surgery room.

Doors open. Hip hop music playing. Loud as shit. They play music in the surgery room. Yes. surgery room. I think everybody gets to choose. I didn't choose anything. No, no, it's the doctor. Oh, yeah. They were playing hip-hop music and all the, there was like six nurses in there and they're all like, Mr. Green, we got you. Don't worry about it.

And I'm like, yeah, I'm not sure this is making me feel better. Should you concentrate on your job? Isn't this kind of place where you shouldn't be listening to loud music? I mean, no offense. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but maybe I should tell you how to do your, I didn't say any of that. But then they put the thing over you. right? And I start taking, he's like, take some nice deep breaths, and I'm taking deep breaths. And I am so wibly, wobbly. I'm imagining that I'm getting nitrous oxide. That's what I think.

So I'm like, and he's like, what did you say? And I go, and he takes it off me. And he goes, I'm sorry, what? And I go, are you guys giving me nitrous? And he goes, no, we can't give you nitrous. And I go, no, is this nitrous? And he goes, no, no, no, it's just pure oxygen. And I go, I think it's nitrous, man. He's like, no, no nitrous in here. And he puts it right back over my mouth. And I'm like, and then they put my arm in a thing. And then they put my arm in a thing. And he's like, all right, you ready to go?

And I'm like, I know it's nitrous, man. I know it's nitrous. I'm like doing a whole routine. And he's like, all right, you're ready to go. Three, two, Mr. Green. Mr. Green. And then all of a sudden you're waking up. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. Yes. It was that. In the second that I woke up, Chrissy, I was in so much distressful pain that with my neck, I was in pain. And when she woke me up, when I got my parathyroid cut out, when she woke me up, she said, how's your pain level? And I go, it really hurts. Like, my throat really hurts. And she goes, totally expected.

I'm going to give you some, I'm going to give you some fentanyl or whatever. And then I fell right back asleep for like another 30 or 45 minutes. So when my stomach surgery, he said, hey, Mr. Green, Mr. Green, how are you feeling? And I was like, ah, I'm in so much pain. And he's like, yeah, I know, you're going to be in pain. I've got some, whatever, some hydromorphone, whatever he said. I've got some stuff coming. The doctor just ordered it.

I'm just waiting for it to get here. And he's like, I'm Mike. I'm going to be the guy taking care of you. And I'm like, okay, okay. And so then he gives me a shot. 15 minutes go by, nothing, right? And then he's like, gives me another shot. He's like, okay, I'm going to give you more.

gives me another shot, kind of taking the edge off, right? And then I'm starting to come to, and we're having, like, all, you know, he's like trying to be nice. He's having a whole conversation with me. And he's also gay. And so he goes, so which one of your brothers is the youngest? And I go, oh, that's Patrick. And he goes, oh, I would have thought you were the youngest. You look the youngest. And I go, oh, thanks. That's, you know, I appreciate that. Do I, I look young right now? And he goes, I think you're looking good right now, actually, for just having major stomach surgery. And I was like, oh, thanks. And he goes,

so what's the story with your brother? I'm like, I don't know. What's the story with my brother? Does he like that? My fucking gallbladder removed.

Are we really going down? We're really doing this? Are we really doing this? I just had major surgery. Can you pay attention to me for one second, Mikey? Come on. Let's get it together.

I felt this incredible pain. But the pain was not where they cut me open, which is four places, like three places right below your belly button. And then one up here, right? Which is not where your gallbladder is.

Your blood is right here. Yeah. I've had laparoscopic surgery before. One of the things that I was told by one of the people was your stomach is going to hurt, like, where they cut you open. All that stuff is going to hurt. But that's not going to hurt to, like, day number five or six. What's really going to hurt is the gas that is trapped in your body. And no surgeon or doctor or nurse while they touched on it explained in detail exactly what that

means and maybe that's so they don't scare you. When they do a laparoscopic robotic surgery, one of the holes, the one up here that they plug in you, is simply so that they can fill your belly like a balloon full of CO2 so that they can get around easier. They can see what they're doing. They can put a light in there, essentially, and get around and see what's going on. This is like a relatively newish technique, right? I mean, there's always air trapped in you once they open you up and seal you back. There's always going to be oxygen or something, but this is they're doing on purpose. And depending on the surgeon, mine who wasn't in a good mood that morning, depending on the surgeon, blow them up. Blow them up. They don't deflate you all the way. They can't deflate you

all the way. And some do a better job that there's others. Apparently there's a technique where they can like flip you over while you're still asleep and like, you know, gently rub your stomach and get some of that air out. I don't think my, I think my surgeon was whoop, whoop. I think last surgery of the day, I think he was ready to be. Yeah. I think he was done with me. That pain, it hits you. And when it hits you, it is so incredibly fucking intense that it's hard to describe.

It is like getting. And the problem is, it's a lot of gas. It goes and is all over your body cavity. So it can go anywhere from your hips all the way up to your chest. And it doesn't, it feels like you want to like fart or burp, but that's not going to believe anything. and it won't relieve anything, it's the gas that gets up in your diaphragm

and your body doesn't know what to do so it starts muscle contracting trying to protect itself from whatever's going on. It doesn't know that it's air. It thinks you're getting stabbed or something. And that's how your body reacts as if you're getting fucking stabbed.

And it is a terrible, terrible, incredible, incredible pain. Now, either I'm the world's biggest fucking baby or this just happens and you just have to deal with it. Chrissy, I gutted this out for three days How does it eventually come out? I mean, just through whatever hole it can? Well, after my, yeah, after my 25th phone call to the surgeons office, they explained to me, they eventually gave me like some muscle relaxers to calm the spasming down, which was really

adding a lot of intense pain to an already painful situation. A lot of people say that their shoulders get very, and the shoulder pain is terrible. That's really, because it's like referred pain. It's your body's nerves just like going on, like setting on foot. fire in your shoulders. I still have some today. It's not, is nowhere what it was before, but I can still every once in a while, they still feel like a little shot of shoulder pain. What happens is your muscles eventually absorb the CO2 and you breathe it out is essentially what happens. Like your body replaces whatever, you know, liquids fill the gaps. I don't know how the fucking complication works, but that's what she told me. But that first three days, so fucking

intense. And I wish it on nobody. And I did not go to the wedding in the woods. You know, we've been talking about the party in the woods for a long time. This was the wedding in the woods. I looked at all the pictures. It was definitely the wedding in the woods. Yeah. This was a wedding in the woods. It looked beautiful, by the way. Would have loved to have been there. But I had to call. Wasn't everybody else coming to go up there too? What do you mean? Like Astrid's brother and his wife? They bailed last minute. Oh, they did. After further review when I talked to everybody, they explained that they knew exactly. Everybody knew that you weren't going. Yeah. They were like, we didn't, you were kind of miserable and you were in pain. You had goldbladder. You went to the hospital and all this.

We didn't want to like, we don't want to knock you down a pedestal. But even Raphael, whose daughter was getting married, said, oh, we already expected this, fine. You didn't even have to call. We knew. And he's like, you sound like absolute shit, brother. Like, we don't want you up here. And he was right, because I would have just. Ha, ha.

Well, the nurse was trying to tell you, like, she even was like, remember her before the surgery saying, I don't think you're going to want to sit in the car. The beautiful nurse. Yeah, the beautiful nurse, who I, we spent an hour and a half together beforehand. And I said, hey, I just got a quick question for you. I can, like, drive. I can, like, fly next week, right? I was going to get on a plane on Monday and go to New York.

And she was like, no, you can't get on a plane. There's going to be a bunch of gas in your body and the pressure difference. Oh, God. You're going to suffer a medical emergency. Oh, I couldn't even imagine. Couldn't even imagine. I couldn't imagine if you had to do that. emergency circumstances, get on a plane, I would have walked, I would have rather walked to New York.

Or driven, which I've done a couple of times. Yeah, but I couldn't even sit. No, that's the thing. So then I said, well, let me ask you this. Okay, I can wait a few days, which ended up being 12, I can wait a few days to go to New York. But I can get in the car, right? And she goes, when? Tomorrow? In the tomorrow? Like the day after surgery? I said, yes, She goes, can you? And will you or should you are two different things. Can you? I suppose in an emergency situation, if you can take lots of breaks, maybe.

She's like, how far are you driving? I said out about an hour and 20 minutes. She goes, I think you'd have to make that like a four-hour drive because you probably aren't going to be able to do this in longer than 10-minute stretches. And she goes, I actually just wouldn't recommend this. You're not going to feel like doing it. And I said, still in my brain. I was like, she doesn't know who I am.

She does not know who this guy is. I'm a Superman. I'm Superman. And meanwhile, 5.30 is how I really ended up. Yeah. Oh, God. All right, let's take a break.

And we were only supposed to record like every day last week. Yeah. Every day. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I know, I can't.

I can't. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back shortly. Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on TCB. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears, and I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speak in a mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to TCB Podcast.com

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and then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break. Best to you Best to you Best to you Best to you We're working on it We're working on it Best to you

Stop Best to you Best to you Best to you So yeah so listen All the dramatics and the semantics And all the minutia aside It was not the joy ride

That I imagined The Wham Bam In and out It was not wham bam Thank you ma'am It was in fact a big deal And I feel now the thing that really like got to me, the thing I thought about day number two when I, oh, the other thing is like just trying to sleep was. Oh, you were saying that. Oh, man, for like five straight nights. It was, I was up. I was tossing and turning. I could not get comfortable. That gas was bothering me so much. I was in so much pain. And the pills that they gave me, they just didn't touch it. It was like not even worth taking. I mean, listen, you know, I like having fun as much as the next guy, but this stuff wasn't touching it. And, you know, doctor-

I like having fun as much as the next time. Yeah, I mean, you go, you have surgery. You know, it's like, hey, at least they give you the good medicine. Yeah, so you can kind of like, you know, be in and out of consciousness. But this was not that. This was not any fun. So at some point, around the second day, I was just like, I'm not taking these. Get some time it all in me and, you know, just gutted out, which I did.

The other thing that I will share is about the second day, Friday night, when I was just trying to sleep, I started thinking about. my wife has had two C-sections and this is what she experienced to a much larger degree because when you have a C-section they literally cut you three inches deep yeah through the muscle yeah through everything and it was just like it it came to me this entire week since my birthday through the surgery and now and today my wife is a rock star and I am a am a cock star. I am a pretender, and she is the real deal, because she has gutted this out twice in much more hairy circumstances than I ever did. Like, having a C-section is much more dangerous than having your gallbladder removed. Birth is a fatal condition. Burthing is a fatal condition,

and you can die at any moment, and people do all the time. And so she took that risk. She did it like a champ. She did not complain half as much as I do. Now, she was in recovery for a lot longer than I was. It was like a month long recovery on those C-sections. But, you know, I got to give it to the ladies out there. This is, you know, I will never complain again. I think I just have a higher tolerance for pain, too. I think you're just better at everything. You're more intelligent. You're a fair sex. You're more beautiful. You have private parts that are always going to be more interesting than ours. Ours is the wing-wang.

We slap around and, you know, poke at people. Look at the boner. You know, I go into a massage, and all I pray is that I don't get a boner, right? I go to surgery, and all I pray is that I could get a boner. So at least she would see something.

At least something would show up. Right. She's in medicine. She would understand. So, anyway. And then... Okay. Well, I'm glad you're on the... I'm on the end. I'm better. I'm feeling

better. I'm feeling much better. Still sore down here every once in a mile of gaspings, but I'm okay. Like, I'm no more complaining. My window for complaining with Astrid is only like two or three days long in any circumstance. Because then she starts to look at me. Like, okay. Well, you want to get up and help with the kids now? Yeah, right.

Ah! Cheeseburger! Right. milkshake. Mix me something. Yeah. College football. That's me.

I'm like, I don't know. She's like, it's been two weeks. Can you get an extra pillow and a milkshake and a handjob? I don't know, hon. I don't know if I could do it. She's like, you've been up for a total of seven minutes. I've been watching these shitheads run around the house and destroying everything for two weeks. Do you think you can get up now?

But she got her payback because for our 10th wedding anniversary, I gave her a trip to go to her best friend's wedding, Jessica, which happened to be in Venice, Italy. Yes, yes, yes. I was so happy to see her pictures and what a great time. What a great break she had. Yeah, it looked like she was having a lot of fun. Me, on the other hand, recovering from surgery. I had told you how to help you. Yeah, you did.

I just got it. Like, again, I just kind of white-knuckled it out. And, you know, honestly, I kind of get it. Like, you don't even have time to think about those things when you're in the thick of it. All you want to do is just think about the next thing that's going to occupy these little shitheads fucking minds. Because if they're running and going, then everything's fine. If they're not doing anything, everything's terrible. They just go crazy.

Yeah, you need to occupy. You do. You need to occupy. And I love my kids. and we had a fun weekend, and I bribed them the entire weekend with fast food and sugar and ice cream and play dates and all kind of stuff that just gave them no chance to complain. I was very impressed by the state of the house when I came over here. Look at that. I even kept it clean. Yeah, you did. I took extra time every night to just kind

of pick up and do a load of laundry here and there and put the garbage out. I did my best, but I will have to say, after five days of this, I am at my wife. wits end. I am, I dropped them off at school today and I'm like, thank God. And the thing was, is Astro's supposed to be back a day and a half ago. But, and listen to this shit. This is like, honestly, some of the craziest shit I've ever heard. They get on a plane in Venice and a Delta flight, you know, 240 people, 767. And they're an hour late for whatever reason. Not having to do with weather. Astrid said they're an hour delayed. Okay, not uncommon, right? My travel woes are contagious. Well, that's what I was telling you yesterday. I was.

I was like, are you rubbing your travel ju-ju on to everybody else? I think I am. I mean, honestly. And I hope I don't get started off on a bad foot tonight. I honestly hope that I just get to New York and get to the hotel and get a good night's sleep for once in the last five days. But she's supposed to be back a day and a half ago. So she gets on the flight and she's texting. And it's like, you know, three in the morning when she's texting me that she's, I'm getting on the flight, blah, blah, blah.

And I wake up, flight to late. And then so we're texting because I'm getting up at five in the morning because that's what time the kids get up, you know, and that's the time we have to get them all ready and get them off to school in the 15 different places and all this other shit. So I'm texting with Aster and she says, you know, we're sitting at the gate. We're about to pull off and, you know, we're pulling back from the gate. And then she says, it smells like gasoline. And I said, what? And she goes, it smells like gasoline and everybody thinks it smells like gasoline. Like everybody's saying that. And I go, oh, that's weird. And not good. And not good. And I go, that's weird. Well, maybe it's just like, you know, they spilled some on the side of the people. plane or something. Those like high pressure hoses. And then, like 10 or 15 minutes later, she said, the pilot just came on and said they're smelling gasoline in the cockpit too, and they would like to go back and get it checked out. Well, thank fucking God, right? So they go back and they're at the gate or they're at the terminal, parked in front of the terminal, not actually, they don't actually, they're not connected. They're just parked at the terminal. And some of the

people, whoever, you know, airplane mechanics come over or whatever. And there is a gas leak coming out of the engine. Good Lord. So there is the airplane fuel, some of the most flammable liquid known to man, pouring out of the engine. And while I believe they would have caught this shortly after they left, because they would have been running out of fuel at a quicker rate.

Like there would have been a sensor that would have gone off. Hey, you know, you're not on your fuel target or whatever. You still would not want to have those jet turbo engines. They just have random gasoline just flying around the jet turbo engines or out of the wing or whatever. was going on, you know? And so they- Because you're getting ready to like go and across the ocean. That's it. Yes. You're ready to go across the ocean and you don't have many choices. Like they try and fly over islands and land.

And that's why they go from like, you know, the top of Europe over to Canada and then back down the United States. It doesn't matter. When you have a fuel leak, that's not a good thing. And the only difference between catastrophe, potentially and safety was someone's fucking knows. That's it. And I mean, I guess that's how sometimes these things happen. But they get back to the gate, they deplane everybody after an hour, and they put them on these buses, and they send them back to the passport control. And Astrid ends up being at the Venice airport for 10 and a half hours total. Because now they have to go erase all of their electronic stamps on their passports because they never left the country. So they have to like reverse. I don't

know, delete. I don't know, what do you do? You reverse the stamp? I'm not even really sure how that works. but she stood in line for like two and a half hours. Now, unlike my travel situation, where Delta offered me nothing and said, get you home in seven days from now, they actually put them on buses, fed them, then took them to the hotel, then fed them at the hotel. And luckily, Astrid had friends and family that were there in Venice, so they picked her up and they went and had one last dinner and all that stuff. She got another night alone in the hotel, which I'm sure was wonderful.

And then finally she got off. Now, I'm almost two days more than I'm supposed to be with those children. And trust me, not only did I have to, and this doesn't matter, I'm doing no more complaining to my wife about when I travel because she's got the shit into the stick, no doubt. But not only if I spent an extra couple of days with my kids, but you would understand how deflated I was when Astrid said the flight got canceled. And I knew it was going to be as soon as she said I smell fuel.

I was like, yeah, that's not something you just, whoop, whoop, that's not like whoop, Whoop, whoop either. Yeah. Hey, we plug the hose back in. Yeah. False alarm. False alarm. Don't worry about it.

Lose hose. Yeah. False alarm. We want to get you home. But you can imagine she said 240 people just really like, you know, not happy about anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So actually, she just texted me. We're landing.

And I'm like, oh, thank God. Okay. It's happening. It's all happening. All right. Everything's okay. Life is going to be good now. Listen, no shit.

I mean, what it. What a champ my wife is. She does this when I go to New York. And then I, you know, and then I have travel problems and then she's got to deal with it for an extra day or two. Whatever. Anyway, it's been an interesting two and a half weeks here at the Green Household, for sure. But we all made it. We all survived.

My kids are not worse for the wear. I even dressed my daughters. You did. You sent me a picture. They were so cute. This guy. Well, actually, one of my oldest daughters, she dresses herself. Like, she has her outfit picked out.

She's ready to go. She does her own hair. and she's so little. And it's hard to believe she has all of this dexterity in her fingers and she can do all of this, but she does. And she's like, you know, putting on accoutrements, and she's, you know, doing her hair in ponytail tails and bows and all this other stuff. And I'm like, wow, you look really good.

Thanks for making Daddy look awesome. I send pictures to Astrid and the family. I'm like, look at me. Look at me. My daughter doesn't even know. My daughter doesn't even barely knows how to read yet so I can text stuff like that. One of my sons is like a, he's a perfect reader. He's a super intelligent kid, so I can't text anything to him like secret because he'll read my text messages.

But, I mean, I got all the kids dressed and their teeth brushed and their hair done and all that other shit. Fed. Well, I ran out of ideas for food. I had mac and cheese, frozen lasagna, and Nutella waffles as breakfast. You got to do what you got to do. Listen, the kids are loving it. Nutella waffles for breakfast, five days. in a row? Who doesn't want that?

Yeah. One day I took them to Starbucks. I had, I mean, we went through every drive-thru in town. We ordered every pizza there is known to man. I just, I didn't even care. I was like, I'm just getting through it. You have whatever you have to do. Yeah, I was so exhausted, too, because I think because of the surgery, you know, I lost a lot of weight. I wasn't eating a bunch of, like, food, stustin. It's like, you know, chicken noodle soup and crackers can only get you so far. So the thing my body just didn't have a lot of fuel in the tank, you know, no pun intended. So by the time the night came, like last night I fell asleep at 8.15 or 8.30 at night. I can't think of the last time that happened. Well, those kids will wear you out.

Like I said, when I went to go visit my nephews, just the two boys. I mean, by the end of the night, every night, I was like passed out. Yeah. By nine, nine o'clock, yeah. Yeah, there's two, doing the things where the kids serves two purposes. It wears them out, so they're ready to go to bed at bedtime and it wears you out so you're ready to go to bed at bedtime but there's always stuff to do after the kids go to bed always make the lunches do the laundry you know make sure everyone's tucked in and then you know kids they're worse sleepers than I am they don't sleep they just toss and turn and kick me in the head I mean last night my my kid woke up I could hear someone walking around the hallway and I'm like what is that so I go out in the hallway and it's my son and he's like he's

like walking up and down the hallway and I'm I'm like, hey, hey, hey, I just don't want to scare him, you know, to make sure I like, he doesn't, like, fall down the stairs or something. Hey, hey, hey, hey. And he's like, huh? And I go, what are you doing? He goes, I'm going to go watch Disney Plus. And I go, it's 12.30 at night.

And he goes, okay, I'll make myself breakfast. And I'm like, dude, what? He was kind of sleepwalking. Yeah, he was sleepwalking a little bit. So I put him back in bed. And then at 3.30 in the morning, I wake up. And there's something. my feet and I get up and it's him. He's just like laying like this. He's asleep. Like,

you know, you kids. You can't get a good night's sleep with those kids. Can't get a good night's sleep with those children. Anyway, I'm alive. I'm here. The kids are alive. The kids are alive. Yes. The hills are alive with the sound of music. A bastard coming home. Yeah, that's right. A bad is it. Even they were like, when's Mommy going on? We talked to her last night on the phone. One of my daughters was like, I really want you. And then their grandparents called. And in Spanish, they were saying, grandma was saying, you know, is everything okay with your dad?

He's taking good care of you. Like my daughter had a gun to her head. She was like, yeah? Yeah? I guess. Sure. Like, she didn't understand the question or she understood perfectly and was kind of confused as to. What to say.

Yeah, what to say. So, they listen. You're still alive. That's all that matters. That's right. That's right. Oh, well, yeah. And what a three weeks to be alive.

It's just interesting. I was reading, I was reading about, have you been keeping up with this Kim Zoliac thing, the Real Housewives of Atlanta? Is that not the wildest, most fucked up story you have heard in a long time? I mean, I know. I really, I'm shocked. I don't even know what to think. Yeah. And I don't want to make this a joke, but I just, like, review it really quickly because I think it's interesting.

Kim Zoliac. Zolziak. The original Real House Wives of Atlanta girl, the very first woman they ever showed on Real House Wives of Atlanta, which came on very shortly after Real House Wives of New York. Yeah, it was, like, 2008, I think. Right after the series started, they kind of branched out after season one or season two of Real Housewives of New York or L.A., whatever it was. Yeah. Kim Zolziak is the first woman that they show. And she was kind of a dancer slash.

Well, she did a song, like a one-hit wonder. Yeah, but wasn't she a stripper? Wasn't that like her original? No, she wasn't a stripper. She was actually originally a nurse, but when we meet her on the Real Housewives, and I only really have this fresh in my head because I just, like, two weeks ago,

started watching from the very first episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta again. Oh, Kim Zolziak. Yeah. And so she was a former nurse. She has these two kids lives in this, you know, beautiful town home and has all this stuff because of this sugar daddy that she's called called Big Papa. Okay.

He's bankrupting her life. Yes. And Big Papa is a man who was a developer here in Atlanta, no longer. He went bankrupt. And died. And died. Oh, there's that too. They just died like this year, I think.

Did I, I told the story about how Cam and I got invited one time to Big Papa's house for a party that we were supposed to be like, you know, part of the celebrities that showed up because we were on the radio or whatever, and they had a red carpet, and we showed up. And it was a, that was a Big Papa? It was MTV filming a My Sweet 16 party. So here we are two grown-ass men at a My Sweet 16 party. That's right. Thanks to our friend Courtney. Right. Okay. All right. Anyway, I met Big Papa. But then she went on to meet and marry and have. have four more kids. She already had two. She had two. So with Croy Beerman, who was an Atlanta Falcons

player, for a long time. He was 25, and she was like 32, 33. Yeah. When they met and got married and started their whole journey. Now they're in the middle of a huge divorce. Nasty divorce. They're also bankrupt. They've lost the house. It went to foreclosure. The kids are fighting. Everyone's upset. The oldest, the oldest one of those four kids, the boy, KJ, is now 15, and he's the one. wanted this. Yeah, so their son, KJ, who now people are doing retrospectives about when he was on the show that they had, they had like a Zolciax or the Biermans or whatever. They had a reality show on Bravo also. And this kid was a very rambunctious, rebellious, very difficult to manage child. And while they tried to make light of it, now looking back on those clips, you can see that obviously

there were problems there. And who knows if they were addressing them or not. But, you know, when you're too busy trying to be an influence or a fake real housewife of Atlanta. You don't even live in Atlanta. You live in, you know, Beaufort or whatever it is. And listen, you know, they're not responsible for their child's actions, but I can see how this would have been a difficult environment to grow up in. Sure. He was two years ago, he was secretly put on probation, parole, whatever, because of a assault claim. by a girl in his classroom. And during that assault while he was on this probation,

he again got in trouble for another assault and his phone was taken away from him. And when his phone was taken away from him by the authorities, now being charged as an adult, because it's the second time that this has happened. He's only 15 years old at the time he was 13 when this happened. During that investigation, the authorities found hidden on his phone, videos of him assaulting his younger sister.

Or cousin. Or cousin who was, they don't know. 12. Yeah. Under 12 years old. Yeah. And the kind of assault that is not, it's not light. It's not like, you know, it's not like I touched you inappropriately, you know, I grabbed your boob.

It's not that. Sex. Like that's what it was. He had videos of this on his phone. And I am just like, holy. fucking shit. Yeah, it's shocking. Not once, not twice, three times the charm. And now they are charging him as an adult. And I don't know any other road to go down. Like, I mean, I think there, he's a child, you know, life, he has a long life ahead of him. Children are children,

we need to treat them differently. But this is like some serious fucking shit and it's fucked up. Yeah. It's really fucked up, like, actually. And I wish nothing but healing. for the people who were affected by him. And as a child, it's like, and as a guy who has children, I like think about him as a child and I'm like, God damn, what a tough position for a parent to be in. But I don't think there's a parent involved. I think there's Kim Zolsiac.

Right. Who is just running around trying to be a fucking influencer and showing her children off on Instagram for money. And that is got to put some kind of fucked up shit in your head. Yeah. That is why I don't even like to tell you how many children I have. You will never find. my kids on an Instagram post, ever.

That's their life. They can choose to do that when they are goddamn good and ready. And if that's 18, great. And if it's never great, too, I don't give a shit. But no sooner than that. I told my daughter asked me, when can I have an Instagram? I said when you're 35. Because when you're 35, Instagram won't even be around anymore.

You won't even know. Well, and you know, all of these things were just getting started to back, you know, 15 years ago. I mean, think about all the parents that put their kids on the YouTube videos. those kids have horror stories too. All of them. Growing up on camera like that. It's just, it's not good. My kids love to watch those, like, unboxing videos where they just got, like, endless amounts of toys and prizes, and they live in magical houses and all this other stuff.

And I won't let them watch it if I can stop it. I mean, on occasion, you know, something slips through the goalie, but I just hate those shows because I'm like, that is not real life. Yeah. And even when you watch YouTube, any YouTube channel, that is not real life. just like Daddy is different in real world than he is on the commercial break sometimes, and that's the truth. You know, I don't run around talking like this in my real life. I only talk like this for you guys, because I'm trying to impress you, make you my bitches. But life is not like that, except when it is.

And that's their entire livelihood. And everyone's depending on these kids to make billions of dollars, like Ryan, the guy who's, you know, the highest paid YouTube guy making $120 million. And he's like 12 years old. He's 12 and he's got hundreds of millions of dollars. He's not going to be a normal human being. I promise you that. Just like Elon Musk is not a fucking normal human being. He is not going to be a normal human being because he has been living in a fantasy world and making money for his entire family.

And Zolziak is like that too. And I think she's got a real fucking problem on her hands. And I hope she... And how she keeps getting together. I was looking on, you know, where is she now? What's she doing now and whatever? She's like dating some billionaire. I'm like, how does this keep happening?

It keeps happening because that is the lifestyle she has chosen to live. And I'm not knocking it. Whatever your gig is, your gig is, I don't hate the hustle. But the truth is, all you're doing is running around chasing guys for money. And that is your, that you look at that as a job. So you objectify the man. You objectify the money. That's all you care about.

And I get it. You have children. You want to be secure. You want a certain lifestyle. all that other stuff. But I mean, like, fourth times the charm. There's like Simon Guabadia, Big Papa, you know, new billionaire, Croy Berman. These are not good.

I mean, I don't know about Croy, but these other guys are not good people. You don't fall in love with these scammie bullshit billionaire bad boys. That's not who you fall in love with. You fall in love with the lifestyle and you chase that. And I'm making a judgment call here. I think that's what she's doing. And I think it's wrecking the children that are involved, wrecking them. But anyway, that's neither here nor there.

We'll be back in just as... We'll be back in just a second. Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us. 212-4333-3-TCB. That's 212-4333822.

Visit our website, TCB Podcast.com, for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. And finally, share the show. It's the best gift. you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian, that really wasn't that difficult. Now, was it? You're welcome.

Hold on one second. What's going on here? Oh, I hit a bunch of buttons. Sorry. Anyway. You're all nervous talking about the AI and humanity. It's going to be an interesting couple of years. Yep.

Yeah. And I got children. That's the worst part, man. I'm like, fuck, I don't want to be sitting in my house corner of my house waiting for some AI robot to kill us all. Like, that's... Wow. No. Drain the pool, get it ready. I know. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

Robot can't go in the pool. Robots can't go in the pool. Not that I know of. Don't make them waterproof, okay? There's got to be something that kills them. Yeah. And so they asked the guy, like, you know, all of these AI billionaires in Silicon Valley are all building these bunkers. Are you building a bunker? And he said, no, that's not going to save you from AI destruction.

It's just not. It's not going to save you. That's scary. That's fucking scary. Yes, happy, happy joy, joy. All right, I'll leave you with that. Until next week, because that's the way it goes. Please tune in next time. We will not be talking about the end of humanity.

For our super happy conversation about the end of humanity, you can be guaranteed we'll be here. As long as the RSS speed is still around. We might be talking to nobody, but AI agents, but we love you, AI. You're my favorite. You're my favorite. I have slow mental facilities. Five-thirty.

Saw that guy over the weekend, by the way. I did. I went to my mom's. She's moving to a new place, so we went over there and he was there in the same room. He wasn't talking about food this time, though. He's doing a crossword puzzle. And I just heard him going, uh, oh, oh. And one of my daughters was like, Daddy, what's wrong?

And I was like, I don't know. Just stay over here. Yeah, stay over here. One of my daughters, sometimes she'll just, like, walk up to people and just, like, stare at them. And I'm like, what are you doing? And she's so shy. She wants to say hi, but she can't get the words out. So she just stares at them.

And they're like, hi, little girl. All right. Next time we'll talk about the Emmys. I wanted to talk about Hayden Benitezieri. Yes. Yeah, seems like Hayden was doing the do. Poor girl. Yeah.

Yeah. You feel bad. I want to talk about Howard Stern and his new HBO show. I want to talk about all of it, but we got to none of it. I just bitched and complained about my belly and AI. All right. YouTube.com slash the commercial break at the commercial break on Instagram. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

I think so. I'll say that I love you. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast and streaming universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do set, and we must say. Goodbye.

Thank you.