The Commercial Break - Professional Sports Baller

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

Episode #590: Today Bryan said "I'm a man, and I'll talk sports if I want to!" Were-president Elvira’s Movie Macabre Cheaters Old man bitching Tom Brady Sports stars Bryan having some big feelings (jealousy) Bryan’s sports history He wasn’t a starter Could he be a bowler? FYI listeners I don’t hate Bryan, but I do like to keep him on his toes! Leaving a child with a stranger at the pool The gyms are in trouble! Pharmacy drama Come To Our Shows: Dania Beach Improv (Tuesday, Sept. 24th) The Funny Bone Orlando (Wednesday, Sept. 25th) Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB FOLLOW US: INSTAGRAM:   https://www.instagram.com/thecommercialbreak/ https://www.instagram.com/bryanwgreen/ https://www.instagram.com/tcbkrissy/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TIKTOK https://www.tiktok.com/@tcbpodcast Visit our website:  https://tcbpodcast.com/ CREDITS: Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer:  Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode is sponsored by eBay Motors. eBay Motors is here for the ride, with the parts you need at the prices you want. And with eBay guaranteed fit, they're guaranteed to fit your ride the first time, every time, or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at eBayMotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions do apply. Baseball is finally back! Get in on Major League action and swing for the fences with BetMGM, the king of sportsbooks. Log in or sign up to play along as BetMGM brings the real-time action. Embrace a season's worth

of swings with BetMGM, your one-stop shop for all things baseball. BetMGM.com for Ts and Cs. 19 plus to wager, Ontario only. Gambling problem? Call Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. And a big opportunity for you in Hollywood, you must have had to beat off a lot of American men to get this part. Why does that make you giggle? Did you not have to beat them off? You had to get the role, imagine there was quite a few men out for the roll as well. There were. There were.

And compose yourself. ["The Big Game"] On this episode of the Commercial Break. It wasn't like one of those schools where you had to try out for football. It was like one of those schools where you showed up. You were on the football team. you know what I'm saying? I didn't want to do anything that was too particular dangerous.

I tried out for the basketball team. Even my dad, when he coached our basketball team, when we were kids, even he didn't put me in. He would not. He wouldn't put me in as a starter. Yeah. He would just like, you know, all right, we're down by 70. Go ahead, Brian.

The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Breaking news. Just into the studio now. President of the United States is not, in fact, the president of the United States. He is a werewolf, a wereman, if you will, Chrissy.

And best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. I don't even know what to do with myself. Best to all the werewolves out there. That is breaking news. That is breaking news. We are here in the studio watching the television when all of a sudden there's like a documentary news item playing about how the president is not in fact the president. He has turned into a werewolf and things have gone haywire. Biden? I'm not sure if it's Biden or Trump. I don't know. It's not Harris, that's for sure. Yeah.

Okay. But I will tell you now that this is rather disturbing and I do have to, let's tune in. What do you think, Chrissy? I think we should. Let's tune in and let's find out what's going on. For those of you who think this is, for those of you who have lost their ever-loving minds, we're actually watching, Chrissy and I have a TV in the studio. We have like 70 TVs in the studio, but this particular TV plays my local cable, or my cable, which is DirecTV. We have found a channel called Horror by Alter, which apparently is on a lot of cable networks. Who knew?

Who knew? And I didn't even know this existed till a couple days ago when I was flipping through and all of a sudden I see Elvira, who I was so attracted to as a teenager because I think she was honestly like the first I loved her too. woman with boobs that I could almost see that I was like, oh my god, that's crazy. Beautiful woman. She was very popular in the very early 80s and 90s, and then she came back in the 2010s. I think she's a much older woman now, probably in her 70s. But she had this show called Elvira Macabre or something like that. Elvira Macabre, whatever it's called, however you say it, because I'm not sure somebody

will correct me, I know they will. The television show is now rerunning on this station, like marathons of it are running. What Elvira does is talk in and out, like a VJ talk in and out of bad B horror films. We're watching one where the president has turned into a werewolf and they're trying to decide what to do. Now all the cabinet members know and they're trying to decide exactly what to do with them. So, let's tune in as we, I think this is getting towards the climax of the movie here. Here we go. I can't believe I have to go through another night of this heck. He's in a rocking chair chain.

Yes. They've now decided that the president, in fact, needs to be caught. They need to destroy him. Let's tune in a little bit early. They need to destroy him because he knows he's a werewolf, he's out of control, and they know he's a werewolf, and you can't have the president running around killing people as a werewolf at night, but they're gonna figure out what to do. Oh, uh, Dr. Kiss.

Dr. Kiss, old Dr. Kiss, Dr. Smoochy P Kiss. Dr. Kiss. Dr. Kiss. Dr. Smoochy Pants. They're in the bathroom. They're in a men's bathroom. Yes. There's a lot of this film is in a men's bathroom for some reason. There's a lot of homoerotic overtones, I think, to this movie. Dr. Kiss, what do you think of my Southeast Asian...

Uh-oh. Dr. Kiss has disappeared. What do you think of my Southeast Asian policy? Hey, I know the president's a werewolf and everything, but what do you think about trade tariffs with Southeast Asia? Dr. Kiss is a small person. He's about two foot two. In a lab coat.

In a lab coat. And sunglasses. Dr. Strange love glasses, yes, that's right. Now they're walking in the bellows of the White House right now to go to his secret laboratory because every administration has a Dr. Kiss in the bellows of the belly of the White House. Oh no, it's just another men's bathroom. How did Dr. Kiss disappear from the stall?

I know. What's going on? Okay, here's the cat. Here's the, they're in the cabinet room now making decisions. Okay. This is Cap Tree, the publisher, the black kid, the guard at the Pentagon last night. They all know. He missed the same shape as the scar on my shoulder

with just one night to fill in the shape of the five-pointed star. Five-pointed star, also known as the... Devil's star, right? Yeah, the Satan's symbol. This is why satanic hysteria took hold in the 1980s. Metallica and Elvira. At Watergate, my apartment. And there's no doubt about it, the shoes we found at the Pentagon are his.

And the shirt. And the shirt. And the shirt. If I can just catch a plane tomorrow, I'll have a full month to find that old gypsy woman before the full moon rises again. The old gypsy woman? The old gypsy woman that turned the president into a werewolf. Yeah, they've got to go after the old gypsy woman.

That's right. That's how you handle things at the White House. Oh, this is so good. Yeah. You can find a way to tell the president so that there won't be a surge for me tonight after the old gypsy one. That's right. That's how you handle things at the White House. Oh, this is so good, yeah. You can find a way to tell the president so that there won't be a surge for me tonight or an investigation.

You have to lock me up tonight. You have to put me in a wheelchair and lock me up real tight so I don't turn into a werewolf and make sure you tell my wife. All right, I'm convinced. I'm convinced. You're the asshole who's been running around murdering people in a pentagram. We can't let the press know about this. We can't let anybody know about it. Yeah, there's no doubt the press would seize on your personal tragedy to disc... Yeah, there's no doubt the press would probably wouldn't take kindly to a werewolf president.

Can you tell Marion? Well, frankly, I don't even want him to know. He's got enough on his mind already. Southeast Asia. That Southeast Asia policy's been driving him crazy. Could you not tell him, please? Oh my god, Chrissy, this is the greatest channel that we have found here. And I don't know what to do with myself because now I just want to stop recording and drink

some of that juice that Reggie Watts sent us. I want to go to Starbucks and get extra caffeinated fruit berry juice and sit around and watch this all day. I really do. This is insane. I love it. I love that we now have the Elvira channel. The popular, this is about the Elvira show, is an American hosted horror movie television program

that originally aired locally from 1981 to 1986. The show features B movies, particularly those in the horror and science fiction genre, and is hosted by Elvira, a character with a black dress and a heavy bump hairstyle played by Cassandra Peterson. Elvira occasionally interrupts the films with comments and jokes. I mean, if you haven't seen Elvira, you gotta check out Elvira. If you're too young to know who Elvira is

or for some reason you had her head in a hole, go check out Elvira. She's a stunningly beautiful woman who wears very revealing clothing, but then she's really also very funny. She's got a great personality. Yeah, for sure. I think if I'm not mistaken, like wrapping it all around, I do believe that Phil Donahue had alvira on once during like the satanic craze back in the 80s and Phil just died. Phil Donahue just died. I didn't know he wasn't dead. Actually, if I'm being honest with you, I didn't know that Phil Donahue wasn't dead.

Well, he hadn't been in the public for a while. I think he was sick. Well, he also had gray hair since he was 10. So he was one of those guys who just looked old, even though he may not have been. He may have been in his 30s, but he looked old. Phil Donahue, I think, really started the daytime television craze, along with Jenny Jones. And who is the other one with Glatch Sally Jessie Raphael? Yep, the red glasses. And that's when I was like a little tiny little tyke. Oh yeah, the big red glasses.

When I was a little tiny little tyke, my mom used to watch that shit, along with the Oprah Winfrey Show, which was local in Chicago for a minute before it went national. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, and my mom like latched onto it almost immediately. I would say she was a very early fan of Oprah Winfrey's.

And Oprah Winfrey was a totally different type of television show when it first came out. It was. It was like a trashy daytime talk show, essentially is what it was. And now we don't really have any trashy daytime talk show. I mean, we have trashy daytime judge shows, but I've noticed that the trashy talk shows are largely gone. Yeah. Jerry Springer would have been the last one. Is that still on?

No, Jerry's been off the air for a long time. Now, I think the Steve Wilco show, like his bodyguard that he had there for a while now has his own show. And I think that may be on like UPN, if that still fucking exists. But you know. It's gone in a more positive direction. It has, now you've got Drew Barrymore and Drew Barrymore and Drew Barrymore, I can't think of another one that's on there. Can you?

Kelly, Kelly Clarkson. Oh, Kelly Clarkson, that's right. It's all very on the up and up. It's one big PR. It's an hour of PR and giving away things and handing money to people and saying hi to the fans and stuff like that, which is fine. I guess that's fine. You can do that.

It's not my ver- it's not my- I'm not saying the trashy talk shows were my thing. They never were. I never got into Jerry Springer or anything like that. I would much rather watch a game show or Cheaters or something like that. Cheaters. I just saw that the other day. Oh my god. What a classic television show. Joey Greco. Joey Greco. Yeah, he got stabbed. For like the longest time no one could figure out if that was real or fake, but after review I think it's very real. Yeah. Oh my God, we need to do a review of that show. Oh man, it was a super crazy show.

I mean, just the premise of it is pretty crazy. Yeah, catching cheaters in the act. Catching cheaters in the act. They build a case too. It goes on for like a week. Yeah, they have like a lot of private detectives that go around chasing the cheater, and then they always find them

in some weird compromising position. As a matter of fact, I think cheaters, for those of you that know what I'm talking about, I think it's in reruns on VH1 right now. VH1 has turned into a real shit channel, actually. Cheaters was a television show, I guess back in the late 90s it started or the early 2000s, and what they would do is someone would suspect that their loved one was cheating on them. Then cheaters would get like a real detective organization, like a PI company, to go and follow their loved one around and get evidence of them cheating.

And then they would show it to the forlorned lover, who would then be, of course, upset and usually pissed off, and then they would wait. Bust them. Yeah, they would wait until and usually pissed off and then they would wait. Yeah, they would wait until they were fucking and then they would bust in on them or not always fucking, but a lot of times they were together. Joey Greco, who I don't think was the original host of the show, but I think he was the probably the most well known host of the show. He would, I mean, they would find these people in the super compromising positions and one time they found two lovers out on a boat, I think it was, and they pulled

up on another boat with a bunch of cameras. And then Joey was like trying to interview the two cheaters, you know, like the man. What do you say for yourself? Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself? And the guy yanked out a fit, like a fish gutting knife and stabbed Joey, and he started bleeding all over the place, and they called the ambulance, and this all ran on the show Cheaters. They actually put the episode out there,

and it was pretty intense, pretty crazy, actually. And so, but you never really knew if Cheaters was real or not. Now, if there was any doubt that Cheaters was real, I think after that stabbing incident, I believe the Cheaters went the direction. Oh, I think it was fully real. People would get so upset.

Until that actual stabbing incident. And then I think it's pretty clear that a lot of them were actually just made up. And actually actors have come out and said, I was on Cheaters as an actor and an actress. Oh, burst my bubble. I'm sorry, I hate to burst your bubble. Well, fear not, MTV has a new version of that show. It's called like Caught in the Act or something like that. I hate to, I hate to burst your bubble. Well, fear not. They have, MTV has a new version of that show.

It's called like Caught in the Act or something like that. I don't know. But it doesn't have like the kind of heat that the old Cheaters did. Cheaters was just like a shitty show made with shitty quality film, with shitty hosts and shitty human being. You know, like everybody was shitty and it was just like, it was, what do they call it now? I think they call it, it's not poverty porn. I know what poverty porn is,

but it's kind of like shithead porn, right? You're just watching other people's lives basically blow up in front of you. But it's like a train wreck. Sometimes that's, you can't stop, but you can't help but stop and take a look. Yeah. I mean, when we pass a traffic accident, no matter how terrible the traffic accident, and actually the worse, the better as far as our eyeballs are concerned, we're going to take a look to see if there's a white sheet

over somebody. And that's terribly, it's terribly human and it's terribly shitty of us also. But that's why there's always traffic on both sides of the highway. It's because everyone else is on the other side of the highway trying to look over the media and go, Oh my God, is anybody dead in there? And Cheaters is that show. Cheaters is you looking on the other side of the hallway, on the other side of the highway going, Hmm. I wonder if everybody's okay in there. That's right. But I also feel that's how Jerry Springer was. And Jerry Springer is largely an offshoot of Phil Donahue and Geraldo Rivera and all those shows where you were just kind of looking

at people who were, you know, either having a tough time in life were outcasts or just controversial. And they would put them on television and then they would poke them around and poke them and poke them and poke them until they invoked a reaction. And that became a certain type of television that all led to the destruction of us in the year 2020-24. I mean, I'm being Zed serious.

It's so fucking insane. Remember Geraldo? Oh, yeah. Geraldo Rivera, who until very recently was a Fox, probably, I guess, best known over recent years for, like, a Fox contributor, a Fox News contributor, used to have his own talk show called the Geraldo Rivera Talk Show. And it was scandalous. This show was scandalous. One time he had a bunch

of skinheads on, like KKK members, skinheads and KKK members, with a black community organization, and they literally started a fistfight that went on like a melee that went on for like five and a half minutes where Geraldo got, tried to get in the middle of it to stop it and he got his nose broken. He was like bleeding all over the place on television as it happened. Geraldo also was famous for his shitty investigative journalism, where one time he decided he knew where Al Capone's vault was, the vault where Al Capone

kept all the secrets, possibly gold, maybe dead bodies, who really fucking knew. So he went to Chicago, he got a permit. This is like on a prime time at night, a special. Yes, it was on at like 8 p.m., live, everyone in the world tuned in because Geraldo was going to find Capone's vault and certainly we're all going to figure out, I don't know what we're going to figure out, we're going to figure out something. It could have just been like, I don't know,

a collection of old ties or something. Who knows? But he got a permit. He gets a bunch of cameras. He gets all of this television time in prime time, like Chrissy said, live. And then he has a bunch of people knocking down walls to get into this vault. He's sure it's under this building and it's been hidden over, you know, building, it's been built on top of building, it's been built on top of building. And he breaks into this room where he thinks Capone's vault was, and there is not a fucking thing in there. It's just a room on top of a room that has nothing in it. Not a thing. And you know, part of me thought, well, wow, don't you think by broadcasting for two and a half months

that you're going to uncover Capone's vault would encourage anybody that was remaining in Capone's family or extended family, quote unquote, to get out whatever was in the vault? And second of all, you're taking a huge fucking risk. Everybody knew it and there was nothing in there and Geraldo went away. It just went away because the networks millions and millions of dollars. It was like one of the most famous live television flops ever. It's on YouTube

if you want to, if you want to go watch two hours of Geraldo building up the fact that they're going to find all this stuff in a vault while guys with jackhammers behind him try and open up a wall and then finds nothing. If you're interested in that kind of thing, I'd ruin the plot, but go ahead, watch it. It is like, these were simpler times. Yeah. Now, if you did something like that, like Mr. Beast did something like that, it wouldn't be considered a failure. It would just be a cool stunt that they'd happen to not find anything and Mr. Beast would do another episode tomorrow. But Geraldo ruined his career basically to great

effect in front of millions and millions of people for nothing. Yeah, it was a big let down. For not a fucking thing. It was. And what if he did find something in there? Would he have been allowed to keep it? I mean, I don't know. I don't know what would have happened. I don't know. It's funny know what would have happened. I don't know. It's funny to look back and think about that. Oh my God, it really is. Wow, the 80s, 90s and early 2000s

were a very simpler time. Before iPhones, things were simpler and you got excited about, like collectively people got excited about stuff. Can you imagine now, you could fucking, a King Tut himself could come back to life and grow an erection and you'd probably only get about 300 people to tune in to ABC to watch that because people are like, ah, Mr. Beast has another video

on, let's watch that. Speaking of Mr. Beast, he's in his own speckle of trouble, huh? What's going on? I thought Mr. Beast was one, like, I mean, I don't, whatever, I don't, I've never seen a full Mr. Beast video. So I don't know, I'm not an expert, but I thought he was like the YouTube king, the Mr. Good guy, handing out millions of dollars, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it doesn't, I guess. I don't even know what happened,

but I saw he was in trouble. You're not gonna get that popular without pissing off a few people. You know what I'm saying? That's just what I'm saying. Now I know there's like some sexual abuse or sexual misconduct allegations about his company, not him, but his company, people in his company. That's nothing to joke about. But, you know, these other people saying, he tricked me into staying in a room for 48 hours without

proper food. It's like, dude, you were trying to win $200,000. You had to starve yourself for two days. I one time applied to sit in a vehicle, a four door vehicle with 12 other people for as long as it took to get that vehicle at the mall in front of everybody, shitting, pissing, smoking cigarettes in front of everybody. You think they gave a shit whether or not I had proper medical condition, like proper medical care around me? No! Things were different before iPhones, I'm telling you.

All right, well enough of my old man bitching. Let's take a break and we'll be back. We're not a real podcast if we're not plugging our Instagram, right? break and we'll be back. know you're just simply desperate for. And if you want to see us in person, guess what you finally can, because we're coming to Florida, because only Florida would let TCB come there. Just kidding, kind of. You can come see us at Daniel Beach Improv on Tuesday, September 24th,

and at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th. Yeah, I know you want to come to both days. That's right. Anyway, the links to both of those are in our show notes. So go get them, get your tickets, and then tell us that you're coming by texting us at 212-433-3822. And if there's anything else you need from us, I am sure you can find it on our website, tcvpodcast.com. Live, laugh, love. Bye. Hey, Chrissy. So happy that eBay Motors is continuing their sponsorship with the commercial break.

eBay Motors is here for the ride. Got an email from one of our listeners, David. It's car related. I thought I'd share. I love it. Hey, Brian and Hoadley. Love the show. Throwback to the Hoadley.

Yes. The OG name. That's right. OG, Hoadley. I thought I'd share with you a funny story that happened over the holiday weekend. My wife and I live in Central Illinois with our two children. I'm a big car guy and have been customizing cars since I can remember. My first car was actually a Honda Accord, but unlike Brian, that's me, my car actually had a hood. I got it. We have three cars in our family right now, the family Roadster, and then my wife and I each have a smaller car. Both of those cars I've spent a ton of money and time on in the shop. It's not weird to see me out in that garage four or five hours each Saturday or Sunday tinkering around and adding customizations. I doubt this guy actually has children because who has four to five hours on Saturday or

Sunday? Right, to tinker around. Exactly. I won't get into the details because I know Brian won't have a clue as to what I'm talking about. Let's just say I've spent thousands of dollars on each of these vehicles. One of my favorite things to customize on my car are the tires. I love tires. Each of the smaller cars have thousand dollar tires on them. Thousand dollar tires. Wow. Those are some tires. I know, seriously. If I hadn't married my wife, I might have married my tires. We've actually done that episode.

Yes, we have. David, thank you. Anyway, my parents live about an hour and a half away from the house. We visit there often and we obviously drive each time we go. And just like you, Brian, I'd love to take the back roads. Every time we get in the car and go to my parents' house, she looks over at me and says, let's see how much longer it will take this time. So over the holiday weekend, we had plans to go to my parents' house to spend some

time with the grandparents and do the holiday thing. A few days beforehand, however, I got some kind of cold, wasn't feeling well, and decided not to go. Our family roadster needed an oil change, so I told my wife to take the smaller car and I would do the oil change while they were gone. My wife packed up the car and the two kids, and she left about 8 a.m. Saturday morning. About 9 a.m., I got a phone call from her explaining that the car was driving funny. She told me the car kept pulling to the right and that she could hear a flapping noise.

Uh-oh. The old flapping noise. That's an indicator that you shouldn't be driving the car anymore. I instantly knew something was wrong with the tire and it was probably flat. I told her to pull over to the next exit if she could get there and get to a gas station safely, which she did. She sent me a picture of the right front tire and of course it was mostly flat. A friendly older gentleman approached her, generously offered to help my wife change

the tire. The guy changes the tire to the spare and then my wife gets back in the car. She explains that she's safe and about 30 minutes away from my dad's house. Later on that evening we FaceTime with the kids and I asked her about the car. She told me that the car drove okay and she took it slow. I told her I would fix the tire when she got back and explained to her to take the back roads on the way home so she can keep it slow and not bust the spare. The next morning I woke up early at about 6.30 a.m.

to my father's text message saying, I'm gonna help your wife fix the tire, where is it? I responded, probably in the back of the trunk. He responded, I looked everywhere, tire is not in the car. I called my wife right away and asked her, where did you put the tire? She said, what tire? I said, the tire that was flat. Exactly. She responded, uh-oh, turns out my wife did not put the tire in the car. She left it in the grass at the truck stop in a rush to get out of there and get to my dad's house. She had totally forgotten

to put the tire back in the trunk. I love my wife, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I've never been so upset with her as I was at this moment. I don't even know why, it's a freaking tire. Yeah, it's expensive, but it's a piece of rubber with some metal in the middle. It can easily be replaced, but man, did we get into an argument.

After my wife hung up on me, I called my dad and told him what happened. After some Advil, I texted my wife and apologized to her for getting upset. I told her that we'll just get a new tire, and while I was definitely still angry, I can't what happened. After some Advil, I texted my wife and apologized to her for getting upset. I told her that we'll just get a new tire. And while I was definitely still angry, I can't blame her. I lose stuff all the time. I can't count how many times we've had to drive back to some store, restaurant, or bar

to get my phone or wallet. It's kind of weird to lose a whole tire, but I guess I could understand. Anyway, happy ending to the story. My father took the time to drive back to the truck stop and unbelievably, the tire was still in the grass. My dad took the tire to a friend's garage. He managed to fix back to the truck stop and unbelievably the tire was still in the grass. Oh, wow. My dad took the tire to a friend's garage. He managed to fix it over the next couple of days. My wife was back at home safe and sound. And now we are never allowed to take the back roads to my parents because my wife is scared we're going to blow a tire in the middle of nowhere.

And because I acted completely immaturely, I have to agree with her every time she says it. That's right. Marriage and cars, man. Marriage and cars. every time she says it. That's right. Marriage and cars, man. Marriage and cars. Keep up the good work. Love, David. Thank you, David.

Great story. That is, I've never left a tire at least. I could see me losing a tire. That's for sure, but I have never left one, thankfully. With over 122 million parts, you can make sure your number one ride or die stays running smoothly. Brake kits, LED headlights, roof racks, bumpers, whatever your baby needs, eBay Motors has it.

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Hey there, I'm Kendra Adachi and my show, The Lazy Genius Podcast, helps you be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. And you get to decide what matters. I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'm here to give you a new way to see. Episodes of the Lazy Genius Podcast are full of compassionate time management tips and permission slips to do what makes sense for you. New episodes drop every Monday. Follow and listen to the Lazy Genius Podcast on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. What does possible sound like for your business? it's having to spend to power your scale with no preset spending limit Redefine possible with business platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express terms and conditions apply visit amex.ca

business platinum Now I usually don't give a shit about the comings and goings of Sports megastars, but I will say this that Tom Brady is living the fucking life. He's living the life. He's got a house in the Bahamas. Did I tell you that when we went on a cruise last year, and we went on this cruise to the Bahamas with the kids and the grandparents, we went on this cruise and then we go on one of those day trips to a separate island, okay? Danielle Pletka Was that the Disney cruise?

Jared Sautner Oh, was it the Disney Cruise? I don't know, we've been on a couple, yes! It was one of the Disney Cruises. But not to the Disney Island, which you also go to, but this was like to another island in the Bahamas, like a second day in a different island in the Bahamas. And then you can like go on a, oh, remember that water taxi,

that day trip taxi, water taxi that sunk and everybody was trying to get out, remember that? That same exact boat, months before I had been on to get me to this secret island, whatever it was, you know, castaway day at Castaway Key or whatever, okay, all right. So this was the second island that we were gonna go to and spend the day for 40, 50 bucks per person.

You could go there and get lunch and play in the water and, you know, water slide, have fun. But when we were on our way to this, you had to go from like Grand Bahama to this little place. And so you took a water taxi. It's about a 45 minute ride and they went around the island. And as they go around the island to the back end of the island, you are seeing some of the largest houses

you have ever seen on water, huge estates. And the guy that we happen to be sitting near one of the workers, he was pointing, or one of the guys on the boat, he was pointing out whose house that was. That's Tiger Woods' house, and that's, you know, this guy's house, and that's that guy's house, and that's, you know, Pete Carell's house, or whatever it is. He points out Tom Brady's house that he was building. He

said it used to be Tom and Gisele's, now it's just Tom's because they've been through a divorce. Is that right? Tom and Gisele have been through a divorce? Because he wouldn't stop playing football. According to sources, my own sources, my independently mined sources, yes, he wouldn't stop playing football. And I will tell you that this was one of the most picturesque houses I have ever seen on a beach ever, on like an outcropping, white sands, big house, pool, infinity pool, you know, just luxurious palm trees and everything. Picture fucking perfect house. And I was like, wow.

And now I see that he's down there a lot and he's hanging out at his house, and he's having a good time, and now I see that he's, you know, has some ladies sometimes around him. What a fucking life, Chrissy. I mean, what a life. Now, I realize that pain and drama are all relative,

and we experience it in our own ways in whatever point in life we are. You can be rich with 17 houses, one of them down in the Bahamas that's picturesque, We're all relative and we experience it in our own ways in whatever point in life we are. You can be rich with 17 houses, one of them down in the Bahamas that's picturesque, and still feel shitty about your divorce and wake up and have pain in your knee or whatever. But I feel like it would be a lot easier if I woke up to bitch about my divorce and had pain in my knee if I also had the fucking crystal blue water and 75 acres of this beautiful island and two super yachts and all this I feel like it Softened the blow just a little bit. Yeah, right and

I'm I'm Whoo Chrissy. I'm telling you what that same with Whew, Chrissy, I'm telling you what. Same with, is it A-Rod, I think? A-Rod is also divorced from Jen Lopez. Now Ben is out on his own. I don't think they ever actually got married. I thought they did. Uh-uh.

No? I don't think so, I think they were just together. But these sports- They're engaged. Yeah, and now, remember Chipper Jones? Yeah, of course, from here from Atlanta. I think Chipper's now divorced. He's been divorced for a number of years. These old sports stars, and I say old, they're probably younger than I am because they only,

you know, sports, you got a minute. You do it for a minute. And if you're lucky, you do it like Tom Brady till you're 42 or 43. But most of them will just make a ton of fucking money for like five to six years. And then they have to get out of the sport because the sport outgrows them. Younger, faster, stronger kids essentially come in and take their place. But what a way to go. I would have loved, it is better to, I guess, ignite and explode than to sparkle and fade,

is my opinion. I would have rather us done this from 21 to 26, made a shitload of money, made the three or four hundred dollars we've made already on this podcast. Shutload. Made that, yes, shitload. Made that early and then been able to just retire in style, you know, just kind of hang out for the rest of my life. Be like a drunk who just walks around saying stupid things to people who aren't reporters but have iPhones. I would have rather done that back then

and then just be free of it now than to have to know I'm gonna have to work until I'm 90 to get my island and then I'm not gonna be able to enjoy it because I'm gonna be sitting on a wheelchair shitting myself. Fuck! I look at that Tom Brady and I am so jell-o-s, I'm not even kidding you.

I can tell. Jell-o-s. Jell-o-s. And then I look at, let's take an example, I don't know, pull one out of thin air, Eddie Vedder or Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl. These guys have already made their millions, you know, and I understand it might be compulsory to play music and you could do that till you're dead, right? But why?

Like, go by your island and chill the fuck out. I don't understand what's motivating you so much. I'm motivated. Well, first of all, I got things to say. And second of all, I do enjoy this. So that helps. But then third of all, I still got some money to make. I'm looking for that next contract where we get $10,000

in free ice cream from the yogurt shop, the frozen yogurt shop for the year. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy? I need those free samples to show up at the door from HelloFresh. I need that, I need to stock them up, and then maybe I'll get an island. But these

guys, I mean, what are you doing? What's Dave? He's 50s and his 50s. Chill, relax, go buy an island. He loves doing it. Yeah. And everybody's buying an island and everybody's living in Hawaii. And I just, I'm so jealous. I wish I had it. I really do. I really do. I'm man enough. I am man enough. I'm human enough to know that I get upset about this stuff. It's the opposite of poverty porn, it's rich porn. I'm watching rich porn and I'm getting upset. I'm like, shit.

I know, that's half the reason I'm not on social media. I don't look at it. I was a good tee ball player, Chrissy. I could hit a ball that wasn't moving really well. And I think if I had just stuck with it, that maybe there was something there for me. Yeah, I could have played baseball. Kickball? Kickball? Not so good. I wasn't. I'm just going to admit it. Dodgeball, kickball,

I couldn't get out of the way fast enough. It took my brain a few seconds to register what was going on. I got dizzy real easy. I couldn't spin around like some of the guys, but baseball was pretty straightforward. You swing, you hit it, and you didn't have to worry about like, you know, CT and all those terrible sports. I told you, I played football for exactly one day. Well, that's not true. I played football for two days, once when I was in middle school and once when I was in high school, but I didn't actually play football in the high school version. I just went to practice and did the warmups and then I was so over it that I left halfway through the warmup.

You gave it a shot. I did. You put yourself out there. That's right. Thank you, Chrissy. I have always been patting myself on the back about that. Maybe my coach wasn't, but I did. You put yourself out there. That's right. Thank you, Chrissy. I've always been patting myself on the back about that. Yeah. Maybe my coach wasn't, but I was.

And I'm telling you what, it wasn't like one of those schools where you had to try out for football. It was like one of those schools where you showed up, you were on the football team, you know what I'm saying? I do. I didn't wanna do anything that was too particular dangerous.

I tried out for the basketball team. Even my dad, when he coached our basketball team when we were kids, even he didn't put me in. He wouldn't. He wouldn't put me in as a starter. Yeah. He would just like, you know, all right, we're down by 70. Go ahead, Brian. You're not going to cause too much more damage, I suppose. So I don't think any of those would have really done me well. And you've heard my singing. Let's Brian, you're not going to cause too much more damage, I suppose. So I don't think any of those would have really done me well. And you've heard my singing, let's admit it. I wasn't going to be any, any better or Dave Grohl. So T-ball would have been my answer.

I think if there was a professional T-ball league, then I would have been in, I could have been a Hall of Famer. You mentioned curling. I love curling. I love that sport. Would you be the, like the scraper that gives a long... Yeah. I could have been a Hall of Famer. You mentioned curling. I love curling. I love that sport. Would you be the scraper that gives a long? Yeah, I don't think I would be good at releasing it

because I'd want to just like, zam it down there like, wow! Why don't you join a bowling league? That might be your sport. I am not that bad at bowling. Yeah, me either. I usually score above 150. I've gotten some turkeys.

I've gotten a number of turkeys. If I, but I also have a bad back. So, so when you see me throw a bowling ball, it looks a little strange because I have to throw it in a way where I don't hurt my back. Okay, we'll scratch that. You know, most professional bowlers,

they'll like run down the, and then they'll slide into it, right? And just kind of throw it. I don't. I walk up and then I just stand there and throw it like that. But if I position myself in the right way, it's almost like I know if once I get how the lane like moves left or right, if I position myself in the right way, I can throw it directly straight. You got it down. Yeah. You're working with your injury. That's right. I'm working with my injury. And most professional players have a draw

or a fade. They clearly move the ball. I am good at not moving the ball, not one inch down the entire thing. So I know if I can get the right, you know, get started in the right place that I can hit it all day long. Bowling, you know, bowling could make you some money. I don't think you're going to become a billionaire on bowling, but I know that it's popular in some circles, especially in the North. You know, every once in a while I wake up on a Saturday, I see a professional bowling tournament on and I go, yep, I could fall asleep today.

That's right. That's why not, yeah. But that curling, I would be a sweeper. That's what I would. A sweeper, yeah. But then again with my bad back, maybe I could be a sweeper. Yeah, you'd have to bend over a lot for that.

Let's just face it, this is my best hope for success and fame. The window's closing quickly, Chrissy. The window's closing quickly. Iissy. The window's closing quickly. I think we gotta be careful. I'm gonna keep brainstorming. Yeah, I don't know why I'm sharing this, but I was just sharing that this morning, last night before I went to sleep and this morning I got up and I'm seeing pictures of all these

old sports stars just getting after it, living their life. And I am so riled up. I'm like, fuck, how do you get super duper rich? Like you either can throw a football really well and they just hand gobs of money at you to stay with the team or you podcast and hope that HelloFresh gives you another free box of... By the way, Hello, fresh backslash. Hello, fresh. All right.

Enough of my rich porn. Let's take a break. Let's take a break and we'll be back. Okay, you guys, I have an idea. Why don't we take a break? Gotcha! This is the break! And you already know when you hear my sexy voice, it's time to whip your phone out and

follow us on Instagram or skip the ads at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, you know, if you want to get involved, you can always give us a call or text us at 212-433-3TCB that is 212-433-3822 and guess what I finally have information on TCB live so the links are in the show notes but let me tell you right now you can come see us at Daniel Beach improv on Tuesday September 24th or at the Funny Bone Orlando on Wednesday, September 25th.

It's gonna be fab. So go buy your tickets and we'll see you in Florida! Only Murders in the Building is back for a new season on Disney+. Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez return alongside a star-studded guest cast as the trio takes on Hollywood, where Studio is making a film about their podcast. Amidst all the glitz and glamour, there's a new mystery. Who tried to kill Charles? Only Murders in the Building Season 4, streaming August 27th exclusively on Disney+. Sign up now at Disney+.com. Season 4, streaming August 27th, exclusively on Disney+. Sign up now at DisneyPlus.com.

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. Add your team to your Uber account today. Okay. This story got my interest.

By the way, I have to say, I like that music that Christina's picking. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. We had a little chit chat about the music when she started doing the liners. Yeah. And I said, eh, like she had some music and I was like, eh, and then she changed it up. And now it's great. I didn't pick the music.

She picked the music, but I was just saying,, and then she changed it up and now it's great. I didn't pick the music, she picked the music, but I was just saying, change it up a little bit, go a little bit like pop, like a little bit poppier more a beat, you know, and she's, it's good. It's like funk sometimes. Sometimes it's a little poppy, sometimes a little rocky. Yeah, although we have, we have had a couple of people that have said, I don't like that Christina

is so snarky towards you and the liners. Well, it's all in good fun, guys. And listen, I can take a joke. If I can give it, I caners. Well, it's all in good fun, guys. And listen, I can take a joke. If I can give it, I can take it. And it's all in good fun. Christina's just being Christina. She hates me because she's got to listen to my voice all the time. And if you didn't want to listen to my voice, but it was your job, you would also hate me. So, Good point. You know what I'm saying? I mean, imagine your boss was talking in your ear all day long about his inner thoughts.

His id is just throwing up on you all day long, and he's 80 years older than you and keeps using the word on fleek. Thanks for staying on board, Christina. We appreciate it. Speaking of Christina, I read this, I want to read this article with you because I saw this today and I'm like, oh my God. A TikToker said she was forced to babysit a stranger's kid at the pool because she's a woman. Okay, let's go with this. A woman has said that her, that a dad left her to babysit his kid at their apartment's pool complex while he went to the gym. First of all, who forces you to babysit?

I know, right? Like, you're under arrest, you're babysitting, like, you're under babysitting arrest. Well, how do you do that? Talking to TikTok, she shared her, I don't think you talk to TikTok, I think you talk on TikTok. Even I know that. She shared her frustrations, I don't think you talk to TikTok, I think you talk on TikTok. Even I know that. She shared her frustrations about being forced to look after a stranger's child because she's a woman. But people argued that it might not have anything to do with her gender, and the dad would have done the same thing to whomever was sitting by the pool.

I might agree. So which one is it? In the clip posted by this girl, I won't say her TikTok username, being a woman is being alone at the pool, so a random man can drop off his kid with me? She explained that the boy was six years old and didn't have a life jacket on him, which meant that instead of relaxing by the pool, she had to look after the child to ensure his safety. I'm a babysitter babysitting a baby because how can I not watch him? Well, that's true. Um, many people echoed the poster's annoyance with the one person saying, I hate this. It's like they know most women will not ignore a child.

So they do this crap and it pisses me off. Someone else said they spot a woman and they immediately think equals free babysitting. Not everyone is a mom or likes kids or even is just a safe stranger. Yeah, just because we have vaginas doesn't mean we're qualified to handle your random kid. This is also true. And a fourth person replied, I would have called the police for child abandonment. Meanwhile, a fifth agreed that they would have also escalated it, but perhaps just to the building management, like they were going to do anything. But on the other hand, there was one person's perspective. This is just shitty parenting. Women have done that to me also. You should have stood up for yourself. And another TikTokker urged ladies, please learn to

say no. Yes, it's hard, but learn. But the woman from the video replied, he didn't ask me lol. So what are your thoughts on this? Me? What would you do? Yes, no. Who else am I talking to? Well, I guess I'm picturing the scene going down as you were recounting the story here. So at my previous apartment, there used to be a gym there that looked out over the pool. And I think that I would have maybe said, hey kid, come on, go with me. And I would have gone into the gym with the kid and said, here you go. And then left and gone to my apartment.

Correct. Rather than post on TikTok the entire time about the kid that you have to watch, because of course you're being a good human being by making sure the child doesn't drown. That's, I'm giving you that credit. And I don't know you, so I'm not gonna bust on you. I don't know.

But if you're a human. Maybe the dad was keeping like an eye on things from the gym. Possibly. But the right solution there. But it wasn't good anyway. Yeah, that's true. I agree, the parent is a shitty parent.

You don't drop your kid off at the pool so you can spend an hour in the gym, especially if they're six years old. Yeah, six is young. That's terribly dangerous. If they're 10, 12, 13, okay, I can understand that. But I would have absolutely been like, hi, young boy, come here. We're gonna go find your dad. And I would have walked in there and I would have absolutely been like, Hi, young boy, come here, we're going to go find your dad.

And I would have walked in there and I would have said, Hey, you can't let a six-year-old just hang out at a pool by himself. So either you take him or I will call the police for child abandonment. Now, maybe that's not in her personality or whatever. But I don't think this, Maybe that's not in her personality or whatever. But I don't think this, I also understand that her assumption is he saw a woman at the pool and thought she'll take care of him. But I think that's taking a big leap. I think he's just a shitty parent.

And you as a human being should have said, you're a shitty fucking parent. You need to take care of your child. Or where's your mommy? Or is there somebody else in the family we can call to come get you because clearly your dad is not in the right headspace right now. I think this, but all the blame, all of it lies on the father, not on women, men. It's not a gender thing. This should have been a story about a shitty

fucking parent, not about a woman at the pool. That's my opinion. And who leaves their kid at a fucking pool? Six-year-old at a pool without, at all, but then without a life jacket is double dum-dum. It's double down dum-dum is what it is. Why don't we find this dad? That's who should be on TikTok. That's who she should be fucking filming is that dad. Why don't we find this dad? That's who should be on TikTok. That's who she should be fucking filming is that dad. I want to see why that dad, is this dad buff? Is he like one of these like, you know, weekend warrior gym guys, like me, who's got like a dad bod. And then every third month I decide to go to the gym and lift two weights and say, yeah, I got it in. Woohoo. Or is he like a really buff guy? This is like, you know, what

he does for a living is work out. That's gym is, you know, I just drove by the gym today. I just drove by the gym today and there was, let's say three people that were walking into the gym. One was a guy like me, not a guy who probably visits the gym, Ron the regular, right? One was a guy like me, not a guy who probably visits the gym on the regular, right? One was a young lady who was obviously in shape on her way, she had her creatine jug or whatever she was on her way. And the third one was a dude that was the size of a fucking house, a one story house, I will mind you, it's very short, but he was a house and he had two jugs in his hand, like two jugs, like one with green juice and one, I don't know what was in it.

He was prepared. He was prepared. And he was the size of his house and his eyes were like bulging out of his head because I stopped to let him walk in front of me and he was like, and I was like, wow, is that your job? Do you do that for a living? Like, how do you keep yourself that, like veins all popping out of his arms? I think you have to be at the gym a lot to do that. And what do you do for a living when you do that? That's always my question about the guys at the gym in the afternoon who are doing that. They work from home.

You think so? Yeah. They work from home and they just- Also, I saw that the gyms are in trouble right now because people are actually using their gym memberships. A lot. And part of their business model is counted on the fact that they would sell the membership and people wouldn't go. Correct. Now people are going and using it and it's causing extra work and extra things there.

Yeah, they have to have people there to wash the towels and do the thing and make sure that the bathrooms are clean and all that. Yeah, sorry your business model didn't work out because everyone showed up to what they actually paid for. Yeah. It's, yeah, there's a lot of businesses that, I mean, this is cyclical,

so it has always been going on like this, but there are a lot, a lot of businesses are in trouble. We were talking about Starbucks the other day, gyms are in trouble. You know who else is not in trouble? Let me, I guess they are in trouble, are the pharmacies. The pharmacies are in trouble because no one goes to the pharmacy to shop for anything

except for drugs and possibly a soda and a candy. They're not going there. And like vitamins and stuff like that, typical like drug store stuff, but you can go to Publix, Kroger, Walmart, Sam's. Get all the same stuff. Same stuff, much cheaper than you can at say a CVS or a Walgreens. So they're closing all of these stores because they have a lot of retail stores. So they're, I forget what they call it, like.

Also, they were in a lawsuit over all the oxy stuff that was sold. A few of them were, yes, and they came to a settlement agreement with the Department of Justice for basically not doing a great job of monitoring how many pills someone was getting and whether they were counteracting with other drugs that they were getting. If you were getting 400 Xanax a month, should you also be getting 400 Oxycontin a month? Or should the pharmacist say, well, let me call the doctor and make sure that, there's nothing funky going on here. But all of those pharmacies, all the pharmacies,

no matter which pharmacy you go to, I can guarantee you have long lines, irritated pharmacists and bad customer service. Because they don't get paid a lot of money and everyone's trying to use a reduced amount of pharmacies right now. So there's two things that are happening. Number one, I'm really disliking the big box pharmacy stores right now because

they're just miserable experiences. But number two, many more mom and pop pharmacies, like there were when we, I mean, the big box have always been around since I was alive, but these, there used to be random pharmacies, like mom and pop pharmacies, independent pharmacies, all over the place. Then for like 20 years, there was none. And now they're coming back. Now people are going back to them because they're saying, hey, listen, I don't want to wait in line for three hours to get a fucking attitude and my prescription won't be ready till next Tuesday. And, you know, while I'm standing here, let me buy a $10 candy bar. Instead, let me go to a pharmacy that gives a shit.

And that's how it should be. So it's kind of crazy. They put them out of business and now they're coming back. Look at that. Boom. Yes, boom. And that, my friends, is why I hate Tom Brady. It's all his fault the pharmacies are in trouble.

Yeah. It's all his fault. Partially. Oh, whoopee! I gotta wrap up the show. I gotta go watch more Elvira. I know. I wanna know what happens to the president, Wolf president.

I do too. I have it on pause, so I'm gonna get back to it. All right, we're super excited to be in Florida just a couple short weeks away. We should probably think of something we should get say down there, Chrissy. We should probably start working on that. I know, we're gonna start soon. Soon, sooner than.

Like the night before. Yeah, well hey, we could just go on there totally improv, but then you just get a bad episode of the commercial break from it. All right, so let us know if you're gonna be down there and buy your tickets, please do. You can buy your tickets in a number of ways. You can go to the show notes of this episode.

There's links to both shows, to Damia Beach Improv on the 24th, Orlando on the 25th. Links right in the show notes, go buy those tickets. You can also click on the links on our website, tcbpodcast.com. You can go to our Instagram, at the commercial break, and link in bio type shit. If you do go buy those tickets, please let us know.

212-433-3822, that's 2 1 2 4 3 3 3 TCB let us know when you're gonna if you're gonna be down there so that Chrissy and I can give you the extra attention and love that you deserve because you'll be one of three audience members and we want to know that you were the one who texted us thank you come say thank you I'll sign your will say thank oh we'll say thank you I'll sign your forehead will say thank you. Oh, we'll say thank you. I'll sign your forehead for you. Come say thank you. Come say thank you for all the joy we've given you over the years. We'll go down to one of those Florida CVSs and wait in line together.

Also get your free sticker on the website, tcbpodcast.com. Hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and away it will go. We will send you a free sticker. No muss, no fuss, no problem. YouTube.com slash the commercial break for all of our interviews, selected episodes and clips. And what else is there to say, Chrissy?

I think that's all. I think I got it all in. Oh, at the TCB podcast on TikTok. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say, goodbye. Good bye. Good bye. Bye! No, no, hell no!