The Commercial Break - Shama Lama Ding Dong

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

The Bits: Governor Kemp and his assistant discuss opening the state of Georgia. The Show: Bryan and Hoadley deep dive into the world of Televangelists and all they have to offer! Don't forget to rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode! Text us or leave us a voicemail at +1-661-BEST2YO ([phone]) LINKS: Get a FREE TCB limited edition collectible sticker Follow us on Instagram Subscribe and watch the show on Youtube Join us live on Fireside New episodes every Tuesday & Friday everywhere you listen to podcasts! For advertising contact AdvertiseCast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yes, Governor Camp. Hey, Misty. Can you come in here for a minute? And will you bring some of the extra red Lego pieces, you know, the real big ones I'd like to use? Here you go, Governor. Oh, the wall is looking awful, um, straight. Well, thanks. I've been working on this since I got elected governor.

Now that I got all this free time in my hands, I promise myself I would build a replica brick wall and finish my Buzz Lightyear coloring book in time for the next election. We are all so proud of you. Congratulations on making that brick wall, you know, red and straight. And also coloring in the lines.

Thanks. You're doing a great job. I appreciate it. Listen, I just got off the phone with Mikey P, you know, vice president. He told me we should think about going ahead and turning the state back on. Oh, now Brian, I think you should think about this

really carefully. You were just a little bit late to turn the state off. And you don't wanna go do anything stupid. This has kind of been a hallmark of your governorship. I know, I don't want to hear anything more about it. You know those damn herpetologists. They didn't even tell me it was contagious until two weeks ago. Hell, I thought you could only get it if you were Asian up until Wednesday.

If only we had some experts here in the state that I could turn to for advice. Well, now we talked about this Brian. The CDC is right here in Atlanta. You have their phone number. You can call them if you want to. I know that the big words make you a little bit nervous, but I'm here to support you. We can do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, TPC and all those fancy people.

They work at the CNN building and they're fake news. Uncle Donut told me so. CNN and CDC are two different things. We had this discussion I made you some flashcards are you using the flash cards? I don't want a study during coronavirus We're supposed to be on vacation remember I signed that vacation note that was a shelter in place order again in your flashcards You say French fries. I say freedom fries. What's the difference? I do not think you're taking this very seriously governor Fine, whatever I say freedom fries. What's the difference? I do not think you're taking this very seriously governor. Fine. Whatever. I just want to turn the state back on and get back to normal. I have not had a keg party in three weeks, but my kepi told me that I need to do it with a laser approach.

Where are we going to get a laser? He said phased approach. That means broken into parts. Should I put that in your flashcards also? Oh, right, a phaser approach like Star Trek. Nope, nope, nope. He said phased, phased, pH, oh, oh, my fucking kitten. Anyway, he gave me this long list of rules and a bunch of these science people are making it tough for me to think. I'm the governor, I get to do what I want, but to do need some help. I know I can't open everything at the same time.

Donnie told me I couldn't do that. So I've been drained, Stormining about opening just a few things. Can you listen to some of my ideas? Did you seriously just use the word drain storm? It's brain storm, brain storm, like what's supposed to be in all that empty space in your head. Exactly, brain storm, good thinking, Misty.

Okay, now remember back in 1980, when all those urethra opians ran out of rice and we did hands across America hands across Georgia we all link up hands right across the state could you possibly sound more racist okay how about a big carnival with the kiss and boo what I can fight all my buddies and we can raise money for a new trampoline did you say a trampoline no you're gonna kill everybody what about opening up six flags you mean where people put their hands all over the rollercoaster? That's the place! A couple thousand times an hour. What if we threw a free series of concerts in the park?

I can call Greg Alman and see what he's up to. Greg has been dead for at least three years. What if we had a bare-ponged tournament? Why in the world? A dancehall! No. A cuddle park. No, this is not a good idea. Fine. If you're stoked smart with ideas, what's yours? Okay. Do you remember what your mother told you the night before you got elected? No running in the governor mansion. Still trying to teach you that one. Don't carry scissors facing up. Also a good idea that you need constant reminding.

To make my bed when I get up in the afternoon? Not that either. She said, when in doubt, do what your mother would want you to do. Remember? You're right, that's it. Okay, let's think about this. What would Mama want? Someone else's governor? Well, she always said to brush my teeth and comb my hair each time before I left that. What does that have to do with anything? Hair dressers, we need hair dressers. Okay, put that on the list. That's a good one. What list are we talking about? Great. Romeroonor roll what's next oh I don't know in peach men what about massage parlors sure when mama said the daddy needed his massage parlors and

daddy love those massage parlors as a matter of fact he said it was the key to a long lasting marriage that near plug he told me one time that you never get a happy ending anywhere except a massage partner of course he taught you that put it it on the list. Again, what list? What about bowling leagues? Mama was such a good boulder. She never missed a chance to leave us with the nanny and go bowling. Six nights a week, every single week.

Bowling alleys. Those should be safe and those should be fun. Let's put that on the list. Is that really what you came up with? Bowling alleys should be open. Okay, remember when Mama made Daddy get a tattoo? Daddy couldn't sit down for a week. That was a vasectomy, Brian.

He got a tattoo of a vasectomy? No, he did not get a tattoo. He got a vasectomy. He got a vasectomy at the tattoo shop. Oh, dear. We are fucked. I don't care what you say. I'm the governor and I'm gonna do what I want.

We don't turn the state back off because of polio or the black plate. We have vaccines, Brian. I'm turning the state on and there's nothing that can stop me. Hey Siri. Oh, guys. Yes. Turn the state of Georgia back on. I don't have an answer for that.

Is there something else I can help with? You buffoon. Yes. Find me one way ticket to Morocco. In early 2020, the world shut down. Stores, restaurants, schools, and whole communities shut their doors in an effort to protect human life. As the world quickly changed, one man went on Facebook to get a degree in internet epidemiology. Brian, along with his lab assistant, HOTELY, are curing coronavirus by commenting on fake

news and reposting recipes of secret virus cures from a friend of a friend who works high up in government. Join Brian and HOTEL Holy as they discuss the world and like doing this forced interruption. Learning, laughing and loving in this real life commercial break. On this episode of the Commercial Break. I'm holy shit surprised.

At how prevalent televangelists are, how big the congregations are, and how much money they make. I mean, these guys are bringing in fucking loot. They're in sales. They're in sales of the highest order. They're selling bullshits. Yeah, sounds fun.

Listen, Christina, if you're playing conference called Bingo, it's likely your job doesn't give a shit whether you're drinking before. So knock yourself out. I'll know it sounds fun though. I like Bingo. Invite us. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. It took me about three years to understand that the IT guy could see exactly what I was seeing on my computer. That's scary.

Yeah, and once I found that out, because he told me so, then I was a little bit creeped out by the whole thing. I'm human just like everybody else. Right, I had to look at those pictures because it's part of my job. That's the reason. Research. Coronavirus, the lockdown has given me a whole shit load of extra time on my hands. So what I've been doing is I've been trolling the internet lately for deep, in the dark recesses

of the interwebs for and late night TV for all kind of fun stuff that I can think about and talk about and I really honed in on one thing in particular and you know There's a lot of media outlets that are that are covering this But one of the things that I wanted to discuss tonight or the thing that I wanted to discuss tonight is televanjilists I wanted to discuss tonight or the thing that I wanted to discuss tonight is televanjalists. Because as long as TV has been around, televanjalists have been sucking the life out of middle America and they continue to do so

at quite frankly an alarming rate. I'm wholly shit-surprised at how prevalent televanjalists are, how big the congregations are, and how much money they make. I mean, these guys are bringing in fucking loot beyond that television and talking about things I'm convinced they don't believe in themselves. If you're smart enough to get a billion dollars out of a group of individuals out there

by just talking horse shit for 45 to 60 minutes on television, I don't think you're a dumb person. And so I kind of believe that televangelists don't believe that though, you know, they don't drink the same water that their constituents do. They're in sales. They're in sales of the highest order. They're selling bullshit. I want to preface all this by saying a few things about religion because anytime you talk about religion or politics, it's obviously it makes bad for bad dinner conversation.

But I'm not trying to knock religion in this particular episode. I believe that religion in the name of religion a lot of fantastic things have been done. As a matter of fact, I think that if you look at history, probably a majority of charitable organizations and good works have been done in the name of religion, I think there are great purpose-filled reasons to belong to a religion. I think it makes certain people happier.

That's my personal opinion. I don't believe in God per se. You and I had this conversation like a million times at three in this conversation, like a million times at three in the morning, on a million different nights. I don't believe in God. I don't think there's a magic man in the sky passing judgment on which cuss words I use

or throwing lightning bolts at me because I did this, I didn't say. I don't believe you can pray the G-O-A. I don't believe in God with quotes, but I believe in the universal energy that kind of keeps this whole thing moving, and I believe we're a part of that energy. We're not apart from that energy.

I don't think that we need an operator to reach God. I don't think there's like a necessarily a broker involved in the transaction. Right. But that's what religion is. Religion is like a broker, right? It's you, religion is based upon the premise that there are certain people, holy people

that rabbis, priests, preachers, pastors, whatever you wanna call them, that are kind of in the middle of the situation. And in order to get to the top that you gotta call this particular guy or girl and they're gonna put you in touch with God. Yeah, through them, yeah. And these televangilists, they make it seem so easy.

It's effortless for them to just, you know, reach God on any given day. They're always sitting with God and being with God and I'm walking with Jesus Christ and the Lord our Savior. And which we all can do. Which we all can do. Yes. Yes. Listen, I don't know about you, but I've spent a lot of time with Jesus lately and things are going great.

Where I think that people get in trouble, or I think that religion becomes problematic, is the dogma of religion and the joining of cults of personality. That's where I think religion gets in trouble. It's hard to tell the difference between religion and cult really, but you know, there are lots of cults of personalities and these televanjilists seem to be cults of personality. People are believing anything someone says because they believe they want to believe so desperately that they too can do the magic things that these preachers claim that they're doing that they become attached to the personality that's on the television or the personality

in the book or the personality or whatever. And I pick on televanjolus because quite frankly they're on TV, so they're pretty easy to get a hold of. But this happens on a weekly basis on every Sunday. Again, I don't think all religion is bad. I think there are a lot of people who are considering themselves religious, who are fantastic human beings, and they're not following some shit-bag lunatic around, you know, buying colloidal silver.

You too, colloidal silver. Non-non-non-non- none, for there's none, none, none, and shipping and handling. Cures coronavirus? It cures the herpes? It even cures gay. Are you gay? Colloidal silver. Make a dickstriveler. You don't want, want, man, no more.

I think we get in trouble. Right. When we blindly believe into the dogma of anything because, you know, we as human beings, we just, I think we so desperately want like the inside track, we want to believe that someone or something or if I'm going to church for some reason, I have the inside track. I'm going to end up in this, you know, magical track. I'm gonna end up in this magical place where everything is wonderful.

It's Disney World's 24 hours a day. And if I don't do those things, then I'm gonna end up, you know, frying in a pan and some heaven down underground or whatever the stories are. I don't subscribe to that particular line of thinking, but it's super dangerous when we have these, like, you know, tornadoes, hurricanes, any kind of event that's,

that we want answers to, the televangelists always step in. It's always like the super religious that step in and they have the answers to everything because of course they're talking to God. So my dear friend, Chrissy, I have pulled you a palathora of clips from some of my favorite televanjilists, and I just want to walk through them. Weat!

I thought this is what you wanted to be doing on a Monday night. There's walking through 26 clips of my favorite televanjilist. I'm going to play them through you. We'll go through and we'll comment on them. The first guy is, I think, probably right now may be the most famous televangelist out

there simply because he's saying a lot of lunatic things about, listen, this is not all about coronavirus either. This is, these people are shit crazy on any day of the week, not necessarily during this crisis. But Kenny Copeland, I call him Kenny because we're buddies, him and I are good friends. Kenny Copeland, his whole fucking family, have been, you know, milking middle America for years and years and years. Grandma's sitting on their beds just, you know, waiting to give him $5 so he can pray for them. Kenny Copeland is like the ultimate shitbag in my opinion. And I'm going to walk you through why I think why.

Let's listen to the first clip where Kenny tells you a little bit about how he sees our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We'll exercise judgment right now. Because we have the name of Jesus. Oh, thank you, Jesus. Standing in the office of the prophet of God. Standing in the office of the prophet of God on the in the office of the prophet of God on the 33rd floor of the Trump Tower,

casual Friday, here's how I imagine things go. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yes, I'm wondering if God would be available for a Zoom meeting at 3pm next Friday. We want to talk about Mary to Reese's upcoming 55th birthday party. We'd like to get some petty cash so that we can buy a birthday cake. Oh, I'm really sorry, God's just all full up then. You know, he's dealing with this coronavirus thing, just like the rest of us. Kenny Copeland has God sitting in an office somewhere. And just wonder what kind of office can he Copeland imagines office Gold somewhere

You think God joins the office pool Absolutely Do you think God is allowed to go to if if God is in a state with a lockdown? He's got a lot to go to his office. There's the question Yes Yeah, you think so? with a lockdown, he's got a lot to go to his office. There's the question. Yes. Yeah, you think so? He he he he he. Because all these religious men seem to have a reason

why nothing applies to them. Sure. Let's listen in on Kenny and one of his other shepherds of the Lord having a little chitchat. I execute judgment on you, COVID-19. Oh, no, I must. I execute judgment on you, COVID-19. Oh, God. I execute judgment on you, Satan. You destroyer.

You killer. You get out. You break your power. You get off this nation. I demand judgment on you. I demand. I demand. I demand.

A vaccination to come immediately. Yes Well, there you go. Let it be done. Can you go? I'm so angry. I'm angry. Listen to the guy that's going somewhere. There's always some asshole in the back speaking in tongues too. Like that is an extra layer of bullshit that adds can shhiamadamadengdong.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yes. of bullshit that adds can shiamalama ding dong shiamalama ding dong yes shiamalama ringling a ding dong can it go can it go when you watch these clips these two are looking at each other and they have the shit smirk of someone who knows that they are getting one over on the rest of the fucking room one of them singing in shiamalengdong and the other one is saying, ha, we break, wein, dang, wein, bang, bang, bang. Big gun, the new coronavirus, big, oh,

coronavirus. The spirit of the Lord has hap, with Kenny tonight. Let's continue. We break, we, you know, now that Kenny's on the case of coronavirus, everything's gonna be okay. From the people that brought you Magnum Pope PI, Kenneth Copeland, DRMD, I'm on the case.

Coronavirus will be solved any moment now. Do you think it be talk louder than it's gonna help? Even more. He's talking louder because there are some Asian people in the audience and you know, it always works if you just talk louder and people that don't understand your language. Getting started to get across to the whole world. Yeah, yeah, shouting yelling.

I call you done. I call you done. I call you gone. I call you dawn I call you long dawn I Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He's getting all heated, voices getting loud. I don't know if anybody's heard, but coronavirus isn't even something that's living, but let's give Kenny a break here. He's trying to cure the world of coronavirus. He's now named to the coronavirus long-dong. Long-dong coronavirus. I know, like I know whenever I've gotten sick

for any reason, if I just yell at it and say, be gone. Be gone, be gone. For me. For every time cocaine hangover be gone for me right I wish back it in withdrawal big It's a draw, big O! Oh! Yeah. Take me to CVS and come. Yeah.

But Kenny's just getting into it. And we all know that any good preacher has his ride or die, right? He's got to have someone behind. And especially right now since there's nobody in the audience, I've noticed that Kenny's just kind of out there doing his thing on the pulpit. There's a few people in the audience which I assume aren't his children, but I don't know because I don't pay that much attention to Kenny, but he's always,

every preacher has that one or guy, your girl standing behind him that's cheering him on. Let's see how Kenny's guy is doing. You were destroyed through COVID-19. No more! No more, no more. It, no more! It is over! And the United States of America is healed and well again. Praise the Lord.

SAF, the mighty Hallelujah. Spirit. God, peace, who is also the Prince of War. Oh. The Lord Jesus. I can't say something about Kenny's writer, die. I don't think he's winning any awards here. You be gone coronavirus be gone coronavirus

Be gone. I can hand you to go away. Yeah, go away. See you later Go on Kenny. Hallelujah. Hallelujah praise the Lord. I made that tornado go away Praise Jesus Hey, that tornado go away. Praise Jesus. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We're all the other shithead preachers who raised that up. In case you're wondering, Kenny is a preacher who likes everything 10X. He's a prosperity preacher. What a prosperity preacher means for any of those who might not be so informed

as I am internet sleuth and detective Brian Green. 13 years of internet epidemiology behind me is that the prosperity preach that you will be prosperous if you give to the Lord. The more you give to the Lord, the more prosperous you will be. That's how it works. Even though these dicks' shits have never given a dime to anything because they're a charity organization in and of themselves. They're allowed to take as much money as they want, but you giving money will make you more prosperous.

You got to pay to play. You do have to pay to play. I mean, it's true in college sports and in getting to heaven. I mean, if you want to get to heaven, you got to pay the tax. I hear this place is pretty cool. What you pay for. I hear this place is pretty cool. What you pay for. I hear this place is pretty cool. It's probably not cheap.

The IP room in heaven is really expensive. So Kenny's a prosperity preacher. He also happens to be a private pilot. I don't know how he's a private pilot. The guy is very old. And I think at some point they take your license away from you. Like, I did a little bit of flying and I remember somewhere in the handbook like after 60. What maybe I'm wrong about that.

Maybe you can private pilot as long as you want, but he's getting a little old to be a private pilot. But he just bought a lear jet from Tyler Perry. So Tyler Perry, who is, you know, he's in Atlanta native here. He's done a lot of good work for Atlanta. I know. I'm not the target audience for any of his work, but that doesn't mean that he's not a good guy, he seems to be doing great things.

But I gotta, I gotta put a check mark in the con box for Tyler Perry, why are you selling your jet to this fucking asshole? So he sells his jet to this guy, and then everybody finds out about it, right? It becomes public record. It's somebody, some internet sleuth figured out that Kenny Copeland has just bought this beautiful 32 million dollar brand new jet that can fly around the world on a tank of gas, right?

It's like the fastest best jet in the world one instant one media institution that stands above all other media institutions credibility and truth. Got to the bottom of this inside edition. Oh, and the lady from inside edition, I have to give her a little credit here while I have never thought of inside edition as something I would watch, right? The lady from inside edition gets in this, gets in this guy's grill. She finds out about this plane exchange, and she decides that she's gonna go hunt Kenny down

and figure out exactly what he was thinking when he bought this jet. That's right. We go over a few of these clips because this is classic Kenny Copeland. Yeah. How are you, sir? We'd just like to ask you about

why you don't wanna fly commercial. Why have you said that you won't fly commercial? You said that it's like getting into a tube with a bunch of demons. Why do you think that? Listen to me just saying, not the people. The main reason is because of the need. If I flew commercial, I'd have to stop 65% of what I'm doing. Kenny has a number. He has a 65%. 65%.

He has a 65%. Like if you thought this mathematically through, what is stopping you from just flying commercial? 65% of you, there are hundreds of thousands of business people around the world that are plenty productive and they just get on a fucking Southwest plane and fly from one end to the other. I can't believe Kenny actually put a number to this is how you know this guy is full of shit. He is. He had a number in his head. He was ready for that question and he had the answer. I'm a prayer. I wouldn't be able to do this. I'll

first know what I do. That's right. I could do 65% more of Wells Fargo would stop knocking me with overdraft fees. Everything would be just fine. But the reality is, it's not my reality. Maybe you should have taken that $32 million and given it to whatever, God's children, wherever they happen to be. 32 million dollars, holy. That's fucking insane for an airplane. You know, you can get, right? If you're just a preacher with you and a couple of your children flying around the world, right?

Even if you got to make an extra stop for gas, you can get a good one of those airplanes for like 10 million. This guy spent $32 million on a lear jet. That's insanity to me. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. I'm not going to be a bad guy. even if you got to make an extra stop for gas. You can get a good one of those airplanes for like 10 million. This guy spent $32 million on a lear jet.

That's insanity to me that the people who give money to him haven't like come to the church and burned it down yet. Like would you be pissed if you gave $100 to this jackass and he went off about a $32 million. You thought he was doing like the God's work and feeding children and clothing naked people about a $32 million. You thought he was doing like the God's work and feeding children and Clothing naked people and all this other bullshit and then he goes and he buys a $32 million plane so he can fly in the lap

A luxury. Is it come with strippers? Yeah, I brought him up. That's the 65% you don't get on the commercial No, because that's where the demons are The demons. The demons are there. I don't have this clip, but the actual answer to this, not on this particular show, but the actual answer to this was he said that he can't fly commercial because the commercial jets go higher than the private jets do, and it puts him closer to the demons in the sky. Oh, shit, but you know, takes a lot of money to do what Kenny do. Demons in the sky

Well, the horseship, but you know takes a lot of money to do what can he do's let can't do what can he do Let's figure out what can he do's Well, let me let me just ask you a really simple question a lot of people think it's unbecoming for a preacher To live a life of luxury and to fly around in private jets. What's your response to that? Very simple. It takes a lot of money to do what we do. Correct. Correct. Right.

Flying around, fucking people out of their hard earned money. It does take, it's just a very expensive adventure. And as we all know, Jesus Himself said the same thing in Isaiah 3.75, page 35, where He said, Jesus cameeth to the last supper and put out His platinum MX to pay for the $3,500 wine He was having. The new GZ Chalice line shall be out tomorrow and Jesus shall pay for it. I don't know if you know this, but Jesus wrote into town on a pimped out mule with gold horses. That's the kind of guy Jesus was.

What a fucking asshole. What a fucking asshole. Yeah, that's not right. Let's find out how many people can he saved in his lifetime. Oh We have brought over a hundred Let's see This the latest figures just came out 122 million people to the Lord Jesus Christ The new quarterly numbers are out and we brought up a hundred and twenty two million dollars great Bob

Right, I brought out a couple Excel spreadsheets. The latest figures are out. Where did those latest figures come from? Nowhere. I could make that shit up. Ah. Latest figures you're out. And 122 million people missed my last podcast.

Yeah. I don't know if you see this arrow. It's going straight up the line, Grafchart. Hahaha. Hahaha. I want you to break out that Excel spreadsheet, Kenny. Wow, it's the same accounting principles that are going with the 65%.

Yeah. That went on a clear channel. Hahaha. Hahaha. Let's find out where Kenny's going in this private debt. Let me give you another example. Last May, I was scheduled for Lagos, Nigeria as a long ways. I had a week off and I was scheduled for Peru. And I prayed about it and I thought, I'm not missing that dedication in Peru.

First of all, these guys always pray about it, right? Whenever they get in trouble or whenever they do something extra shady, they pray about it. I pray about it, Jesus told me, that after I got done with Legos land in Nigeria, I should fly to Kapakapa Span. I went to Legos land, not Nigeria. I did sound like I land. I'm gonna check, but I bet there's a Ritz Carlton in the Legos, Nigeria.

I don't see Kenny sitting out in a shack with a mosquito net praying to the unless fortunate. With his $32 million planes outside the shack. No. Let's find out why he bought the $32 million plane. Without the airplane that we have that I bought from Tyler Perry and I didn't pay any Anywhere in the tires one of the greatest guy. He made it. He made that airplane so cheap for me I couldn't help but buy it He just sounds like he's getting away with murder doesn't he? Tile is just such a nice guy. He made it so attractive. I just couldn't help but buy the plane from him.

I'm pretty little building. That's the biggest, that is the most ass-hatty thing I have ever heard one of these televenge lists say by the way. He made the private plane so cheap I had to buy it. Yeah. I, none of his target audience really. If he thinks 32 million is cheap, man. Man. Right? Didn't, the scope of things. Wow.

32 million dollars, that's a lot of scratch Kenny. That's a lot of scratch. But you know, when you're raking in, a couple hundred to million dollars a year from unsuspecting victims of your fucking Ponzi scheme, God-like Ponzi scheme, I guess you can just go and buy that. There's no, these churches, they answer to no one, they have no responsibility, they pay no taxes. They put a 5013 CE on it, which is a tax exempt status,

and that's it, they just go to town. Anything they raise, essentially, is profit. And whoever's the guy who starts the church can take whatever he wants from the church. It's just, I guess as long as the parishioners understand his prophet and whoever's the guy who starts the church can take whatever he wants from the church. It's just as long, I guess, as long as the parishioners understand that that's what he's taking. But when-

So scary. I know. With 121 million people just watching him on TV, who's there to answer to? Someone through the TV that gave him five dollars, like, is anyone really going to make a stink? And I guess not. There must be people that believe that they are being healed by Kenny Copeland because he continues to rake in hundreds of millions

of dollars a year in Ptownium in the wrong fucking business. Well, he's got 122 million people that he saved and brought to Jesus. Just think about that. It's so times 10. Five dollars. Yeah. Yeah, times 10 dollars.

It makes him say the numbers are insane. Yeah. Hodley, we are in the wrong fucking business. We are. I want to give you a little example of how Kenny talks to his parishioners and why I, I mean, to me, this sounds like total horse shit but there are people out there

that are going to give him this $5 based on conversations like this. Now this afternoon, this very day, just a little while before, well in fact I spent all day with Jesus, just in my study all day as I've done, now day after day after day, but listen carefully. Listen carefully. When anybody tells you to listen carefully, they're about to give you a line of bullshit. Listen carefully. Listen carefully. This is funny. This is funny. Here's a funny story. I've been up all night with Jesus. In a study. In a study. This is perfectlyated study? I got a little problem with the pipe, if you know what I mean.

Started off so simple. Jesus came over for a drink out of the chalice. We watched the Lakers game. We converted a few Jews. And all of a sudden, we were calling the co-do. Discussing that new book, I've been meaning to write. Turned in the day of the day of the day. Youed in the day of the day of the day of the day. You know shit gets weird after day of the day of the day.

Tyler came over. Tyler came over with the new jet. Dropped it off. We smoked a blunt. Listen to the new Jusiel. This man, I've known him since mid 1980s, Prophet of God, had a glorious experience with God over this thing. I mean, it was more than just an experience. I mean, it was a glorious thing. It penetrated his being. Penetrated the being of his wife in the room with him. That party got out of hand.

You know after five days of being with Jesus day after day, a bunch of blow, a bunch of wine from the chalice, all of a sudden someone's penetrating your wife in the room with you. I mean this has got to be a joke it's like a Saturday night life sketch sketch who the fuck is penetrating who who's penetrating who in the life in the room. Right who makes I mean this is coming out of his mouth. Does he have any thought that this just might sound fucking weird? He describes everything as glorious brother John and glorious penetration and glorious Jesus night after night after night. None of this sounds glorious.

Sounds like you got sounds like you're a paranoid delusional spends room, spends hours and days at a time in a room, talking to a magic man. And now you think you got penetrated. You and your wife in the same room together. Maybe he's like, hey honey, you want to do a little snack a do it later on tonight and she's like, oh no, I'm being penetrated currently by the Lord. Keep that creepy turtle in its shell. Nothing like the Lord gets me more wet than a towel on a beach in the middle of the afternoon, Kenny.

Kenny can create miracles. All good preachers, they create miracles. They can pray the coronavirus away. They can blow it away, they can protect, they can yell at it, they can keep you in their little bubble of church where no coronavirus can get in. These are all the things that these televanelists

claim that they can do. There's no way to check on these stories, by the way. They just tell them up on the pulpit and people believe them blindly, because he's the prophet of God. Let's listen to Kenny talk about how he has command over the weather. And so I just set up holding out here and I'm looking at that

storm. Gloria's brother Stanley was in the right seat of the airplane. And now our place was over here, that storm was right over there. And all of a sudden the tornado just jumped out of that and here it came. I hollered it in the top of my voice in the name of Jesus. You get back up there where you belong. Who's where up it went. Ha ha ha ha. Gawd. Oh, where he goes.

I yelled at that stuff. You get back where you belong, Gambam. Gawd. Unbelievable. It just went away. Glorious brother Bob was cooking up some mushroom tea in the right hand scene. I took it off the mouthpipe and whew. That storm miraculously went away

That's also the sound that it makes of his money the people's money That's the sound of 10,000 old ladies purses opening up and check leading them You give me that money. This is the new sound that Kenny makes anytime he creates a miracle. The latest figures are out. The latest figures are out. Hi, I'm from Jesus Quarterly and I'd like to go over with you the new numbers. We're up 32% sold saved. I want you to know we're at 122 million.

We're hain' anew ya! I'm pervert about over Jesus. I was up all night on the 33rd floor of the Trump Tower with a profit of God. Pay the trade in my wife. But even though Kenny's old, make no mistake about it. There is an heir apparent, just like Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong Un and Shin Jong Jin, which is going to be the new lady after Kim Jong Il's confirmed dead, his sister. Is he dead or is he not dead?

Side note here. Side note, I have no fucking clue. No one's going to know. It's weird. It's weird. I don't know. It's weird. It's weird. It's a hermit kingdom for a reason. Like, no one's gonna know. There's evidence that he's dead and there's not evidence to dead. He's probably just fucking whatever. He's with Dennis Rodman, some person. He's on a bender. But make no mistake about it. There is an heir apparent. There is a succession order at the Copeland ranch over there because his children now now

learning the same tricks that Kenny understands. Now one evening, John and Kelly were small. We're headed to church from our little house over in South Part of Fort Worth. We drove out the driveway that night, headed church, where I was speaking that night, that our home church of Grace Nippelland here in Fort Worth. And when we could see this storm cloud over there, and there were a couple of tornadoes,

and I started to speak, I said, can you kids talk to that thing? Man, I'm telling you, they said, can you kids talk to that thing? Man, I'm telling you they holiday in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus, because we taught them how to do it. We taught them how to do it. That's up like quite the backyard barbecue. So the family trick everybody learns it at the age 12.

Hey, Daddy, can you teach me that trick? Certainly, son. I command my dick to grow 12 inches. I command Wales for going to pay my mortgage for the next 12 months. I command you fucking children going to sleep at a decent hour. My lord. Slow. I mean, good old Kenny.

He just, you know, I don't know if he knows when to stop. I think things are good for him right now. And you know what, here's the clear evidence that more people are watching these kind of programs than ever before. Might have to do with the reach of television and the internet or not, but these guys are richer and richer and there's more and more people

listening to them. You know, back in the 1980s, this kind of the television, I don't know if televanism has been around forever, I actually don't know how long it's been around for, but some of the most famous ones came in the 80s and 90s. If you remember, there was a guy named Jim Baker and his wife Tammy Fe. Remember Tammy Fe with all that fucking makeup and just,

she was like, completely ridiculous. They had air conditioned dog houses. they had air conditioned dog houses. They did. Oh my god. That's like the, that's like, that's way opulent to have an air, I have an air conditioned dog house. It's called my house. That's, that's my air conditioned dog house.

It's called my house. You're not getting a separate HVAC system for the fucking dog It's a dog you know in Costa Rica dogs that they don't even they don't even have owners They just just ran around asking for food Eating lizard. Yeah Can Jim Baker's back he went to prison for a long time because he had this scam going on where he was selling back. He went to prison for a long time because he had this scam going on where he was selling time shares, but he was like, if there was like, if you were 10 available shares of a condo, he was selling 160 of them per condo. So he got just a little bit of trouble. Yeah, he was selling,

you know, that's what he got a trouble for. Not a lot. He had this. Jim and Tammy Faye, Disney World, basically what they were building, they were building an amusement park in a resort and they had this whole time share thing going on, but he started selling multiple shares at the same time share and that just wasn't gonna fly with whichever the FTC or whoever was on to him. But he's back and he's been back for about three or four years. He's got his own program.

I think they show it unlike some of the actual, like, you know, in the middle of the the afternoon how come some of these TV stations? They kind of turn into this like paid for bullshit That's like the 700 club and those types of things. It looks as if it's real TV though And now Jim Baker's got the show and what he's doing is he's hocking a bunch of bullshit like Like a bucket of meat. That's what Jim is selling. He sells buckets of meat, buckets of soup. He sells buckets of corn chowder.

But it's, you know, okay, he's a bucket of meat. Is it a metal bucket or a plastic bucket? It's a plastic bucket. The one you take to the beach. It's a plastic bucket. It's like the kind you would take to the beach to make a sandcastle. But it's very large. And you can get it also in like an oil can, like an oil drum, right?

You can get it that large. And it's chicken fucking chowder that they're selling. All you got to do is add water last for 20 years, as long as you store it in a cool place. This is, he is preaching that the end of the world is coming, and he's selling all of these products associated with the end of the world one of the things that good old Jim is selling is colloidal fucking silver. Do you know colloidal silver is? Colloidal silver is silver Suspended in water and people drink it. They think that it has some effect on their immune system and to be fair to those who are drinking colloidal silver Maybe it does. I mean, I guess there's some evidence out there that it has some small effect on their immune system and to be fair to those who are drinking colloidal silver, maybe it does. I mean, I guess there's some evidence out there that it has some small effect on your

immune system. But here, Jimmy's talking about good ol' coronavirus in colloidal silver. This influenza that is now circling the globe, you're saying that silver solution would be effective. Well, let's say it hasn't been tested on this strain of the coronavirus But it's been tested on other strains of the coronavirus and has been able to eliminate it within 12 hours. Yeah, totally It's eliminated kills it and deactivates it. Yeah, and then it boosts your immune system

So then you can support the recovery because when you kill the virus then the immune system comes into action to clear it out so you want a vibrant immune system as well as an ability to deactivate these viruses. That's so. That's so good. That's the best line of bullshit we've had on this television show in a while. I'll take 12 bottles. We're gonna style so much silver. The US Mint's gonna be calling us. That's so good. You're fucking drunk on the end of the table. He's just like, that's so good.

That's his writer die. That's the writer die Kenny Kotlin needs. I command you. Oh my God, he commands everybody. Can I keep him in? Yeah. That's so good. Panatrating me right now.

It's so good. Jesus Christ. But let's we think that Kenny Copeland is the only one out there that is believing, is making people believe that he can do something special. There's lots of these preachers out there. And now that the coronavirus is upon us, there are a couple in particular who have been named.

They refuse to close their church, they refuse to close to stop services, no matter what. And I understand why, it doesn't take a long time to think about this, if there are people that if you are not in the seat, then you cannot give the cash. So these preachers, they keep on telling people, trying to convince people, through the word

of the Lord, that come to church, everything's okay, you're safe here because, of course, coronavirus can't penetrate the walls of the church. I just have a question before I play this next clip. If you believe in God, wouldn't you believe that science is also made up by God? Right? Isn't science a part of God? Sure, right. Isn't everything under the sun, God?

So science is a way that God gave us to understand how things operate, and there is absolutely no indication that the walls of a church stop a virus from going anywhere. Probably the opposite. Let's just silver. Unless you have a colloidal silver of course or a meet bucket we're talking about on the thirty third floor let's listen to this shithead preacher and i'm sorry i don't have his name right in front of you but it really doesn't fucking matter anyway

let's listen to how he's talking to his flock about coronavirus listen this must be the safest place i said this has to be the safest place. I said this has to be the safest place. If you cannot be saved in church, you in serious trouble. Serious trouble. We are not stopping anything. I have a news for you. This church will never close. The only time the church is closed is when the rapture's taken place. Because that's when I have to stop paying for gasoline for the private airplane that I just bought.

This church will not close. There's a lot of close. There's like a thousand people back there. They're all cheering him on. Let's all get together, let's sing, let's hold hands, let's pray, and let's spit down each other's throats because you can't get fucking coronavirus inside of a church. It's just unbelievable. It's the magical world of Harry Potter.

Like, as if someone had put a spell over the church, it just doesn't work that way, but this guy is not, this guy is not the only one who's saying the same thing. Listen to that, want to play one more clip from this particular preacher whose name I don't know because he doesn't matter because he's an asshole he calls Children who are not in Bible study pansies This Bible school is open because we're raising a proverbialist not pansies I'm speechless I'm speechless. I'm speechless. I have a thought about Jesus Christ. I've had for a long

time. I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic school. I wasn't. We weren't particularly like super religious family, but we went to church. And I went to church a lot in my school. My thought about Jesus is, if he lived, and there's a possibility that he did, he was a super fucking cool dude, right? He's super cool, fucking cool dude, who was kind of like super enlightened. He was bringing a message. Exceptive everyone, you know, very rocking it out, exactly. Yes, giving, loving, accepting, kind, turn another cheek, do unto others that whole thing. A lot of religions are based on the same philosophy they say it different ways, right? From Judaism to Islam.

They say it all in different ways, but it boils down to the same thing, and that's due unto others. Yes. So, when these, and I'm being super judgmental about these guys, because I quite frankly, I'm just trying to, because I think I have a right to, I'm trying to point out, yeah, these are scams, right? They're straight up scams. These people are not doing anybody any good.

But when you start using the word pansy, there's like, and you're saying that about children, there's like an inference there that I just don't care for that really gets under my skin. And I'm quite frankly, I'm speechless that anyone that's using Jesus Christ and and our children aren't our children aren't panseys in the same sentence has nothing to do with Jesus Christ. Like nothing to do with Jesus Christ. Yes. But you know this particular preacher or a different preacher I'm not sure because it's just a clip that I pulled and I don't even know fucking no. But I suspect, I was wondering like a couple weeks ago,

was wondering why do all the televangelists, why are they all so, or why are all the like born again Christian people and all these, you know, evangelists, why are they so hardcore right wing? Besides the obvious, like, you know, right to life and stuff like that, why are they so hardcore right wing? Besides the obvious, like, you know, right to life and stuff like that, why are they so hardcore right wing? When it seems like they would be a little bit more liberal

and a little bit more accepting if they were really into the word of Christ, right? That's a good point. But these preachers have a way of talking and I want you to listen to this, all right? They always find a way to link televangelism with patriotism. Evangelism and patriotism have been linked inextricably together. And I think I'm on to something here. Listen to this.

Listen to the words that I speak to you at this moment says the living God. Why do you fear United States? Where I have spoke to you before and I speak to you again? I have extended and opened a window of mercy to this nation at this time. Therefore the virus that they speak of, the bright, prognostication, the diagnosis, the fear, my mercy, is the quarantine. That shall be greater than what they have spoken to you, United States. And because of the administration that stands in this land who honor me who honor the covenants of your forefathers

and of the constitution and because they have aligned themselves with israel and because they have cited on the right side of life life in the he says life in the womb that that kind of got cut off there, but you know, this is, that he's wrapping all of the Republican talking points into one Lord-filled sermon.

And this is why I think so many people who are evangelized are so hardcore right-wing is that they just like the preachers are using patriotism as a way to stoke fear and hatred and you know just us against them and all this other bullshit and heaven and hell and you're You believe in Lord and I don't and I just don't like it like it just makes me a little creeped out I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat But I don't like this because I would like to think that if there was Jesus Christ around, right, that he'd be pretty fucking liberal. I mean, that's just my opinion.

He's been a good original liberal. He's like the original Democrat. Absolutely. The guy is like totally accepting of everybody and everything. He's like, so dirty fucking hippie. Yeah. It's walking around in sandals and robes and long hair. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I absolutely agree. It's it's a

Pauling. Before we go, I just you know, we have some listeners out there and I've got a couple questions from some of those listeners. I'd like to go ahead and answer them. Okay. If you don't mind, we'll answer them together. How about that? Yes, let's do it. Bob F has asked me, Brian, does the N95 mask make me look fat? My answer is no Bob, your ass makes you look fat, but... Go ahead and rock that M95 mask. Yes! Hahaha! Phil S says is it okay not to be wearing pants when providing telehealth?

I'm no doctor, but I play one on the internet and I would say it's perfectly acceptable to be naked from the waist down on any of your zoom calls Phil Go ahead and rock yourself out. Be careful though. The glory is spirit of the Lord. It's penetrating all over I'll leave you're in your study be careful when you're in your study There's a lot of penetrating going on. The glorious universe of televangitalism. Christina Ars says, can I turn a conference call bingo into a drinking game before lunch? Sure.

I don't think there's any rules right now. If you, I mean, listen, can I turn conference call bingo into a drinking game? Conference call bingo? What is conference called bingo into a drinking game? Conference called bingo? When is conference called bingo, by the way? I might be missing something here. That'll do.

It sounds fun, though. Yeah, sounds fun. Listen, Christina, if you're playing conference called bingo, it's likely your job doesn't give a shit whether you're drinking before. So knock yourself out. Here's one from Allison Risk, here, who we know. Allison Risk, here. I get to get used to saying all three of those names in a row. I'm wondering how much of virtual life

will be adopted permanently after we come out of this. We'll have to answer the serious questions on a different show. I think a good chunk of what we're doing right now is going to be carried on into the future, because if it's not coronavirus, it's gonna be the next thing. Now, like a couple of years ago,

when we heard about Zika or Bird Flu or Ebola, it came close, but it never really got all that close. We didn't get that nervous about it. And I don't think it was ever real for us, but now that we've been through coronavirus, it's very real for us. So I think anytime that we hear of some strange disease

and some far off land that's killing people, I think we're all gonna go hide somewhere where there are N95 masks. And quite frankly, I think it's a long way from vaccine. So I think that, you know, we're gonna be doing this for a while anyway. For us, yeah, do you not agree with me? Like this is just, yeah.

It's gonna be like for us at least, for this generation that's living through it, it's gonna be like a Pavlovian response for this generation that's living through it It's gonna be like a Pavlovian response for us when we hear some shit bird flu is coming out of some strange strange, you know country Batten down the hatches by lots of toilet paper and ammunition For us them says this is okay to wake up with my two and a half year old daughter bringing me a beer? Uh... Uh... Uh... Let me answer it by this.

I know Forrest, he lives in Australia. And so Forrest, it's five o'clock somewhere. That five o'clock is probably here. And if you can teach your two and a half year old daughter to bring you up, I can't even teach my two and a half year old son how to, you know, keep his tongue out of the electrical socket. So if you can keep your two and a half year old daughter bringing you a beer, then congratulations to you. I'll do it.

I love you. I'm going to get through this. Talk to you next time. Yeah. A commercial break. Wow. Good. Peace out.

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