The Commercial Break - Showing You're Ass at The Wedding Mass!

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

EP942: Bryan spends half a day running around Madrid looking for shoes, shade, his children and some pants that fit! It's Gustavo's wedding and the whole family is praying that Bryan keeps his pants on!  TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

On this episode of the commercial break. But then I know what a Catholic Mass entails. It entails kneeling. And I'm like, the second I fucking kneel, these pants are going to go, they're just going to split in the back. So I had to kneel like this. I was like this. To the side.

Yeah, to the side. I was like, And the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Keep my testicles in my pants, please. I was doing this whole dance. I saw at one point Daniel looked over at me, and he's like, I didn't think of a meal. He's a fucking idiotic in church. This is my idiot son-in-law.

He's his own desire. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend. the co-hosts of this show, Chris and Joy Holtley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you out there on the podcast universe,

episode 900 and 60. Unofficially, like number 989 or something like that, officially. I mean, like the actual. Right, right. Yeah, we're getting close. We're getting close. We're in probably a month and a half. We'll be at a thousand episodes.

That's wild. A thousand. We're going to have to have a party. From the flight, I'm going to be flying right at about a thousand feet up to a second. Thanks for joining us tonight. That's on. That is.

That's it. It's either McDonald's. It's. You had real life experience. I did. Doing that. But we, even back then, In the 1960s, we had better communication than they do now in those damn fucking things.

I'm sorry? Did you say, take my order? Yeah, can I get two happy meals? No, two happy meals. Yeah, I'll take that. And they put on the bird. It's like four fish filets. I thought you said French fries or apples.

No, I'm not using the McDonald's app. That's why I'm here at the drive-thru. Right. Okay, fuck you. I don't even bother anymore. Don't even bother going to McDonald's anymore. It's just too much. Is it?

It's too terrible. Unless I'm in Europe, McDonald's is terrible. I don't enjoy the food anymore because I don't know what happened in the last 20 years, but it has been a slow roll down to the bottom of the fast food chain. And listen, you know, you could say Taco Bell. Well, actually, every once in a bloomin. I'll go have Taco Bell and it's the same

shitty food I've been getting for 50 years. Right, and at least you know what you're getting. At least I know what I'm getting at Taco Bell. I know exactly what I'm getting. I'm getting good dog food. As my watch just alerted me, it's a loud environment. Yes, that's me, watch.

I like Taco Bell every once in a while. I do too. You put enough of that Taco Bell hot sauce on there and you can't taste anything that's not good. I like a good. crispy taco. Me too. A hard shell taco with sour cream that I am sure has no cream in it whatsoever. It's just some kind of gelatinous white stuff. And lots of fire sauce. And then away I go. I always feel less full than like I feel more hungry than when I walked in. But I always,

I always enjoy the, you know, six to 12 tacos that I guess you got to buy a lot of them. Yeah. I buy a lot of them. I buy a lot of them. say, hey, give me the, give me the sack. Yeah, give me the 17 pack in a box. And then I roll, I stomp through them. I make a mess everywhere, you know, hot sauce all over my fingers and crumbs all over the table or the car, whatever it is. And then for some reason, I always feel like I could have more.

I'm always like, yeah, I could probably do another five tacos. It's like, it's like the crystal burgers. You could have 30 crystal burgers and still feel like you need another crystal burger. Yeah, yeah. I've noticed that crystal, too, down the. street from you. Closed. Closed for like...

For seven years. And it says, Opening soon, renovations. Oh, really? It was like two years ago. And I don't go to Crystal ever. My father-in-law thinks Crystal is the devil. Oh, really?

Daniel is like, aye, Houston. I think he had a bad experience one time. And he just refuses. He didn't even want to look at it when he's driving by. For some reason, Crystal is like his nemesis, his fast food nemesis. Just like Popeyes is my fast food nemes or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Like I do not want fried chicken from any of those places. I fear what's really in that chicken, right? But I pulled in there midnight. It was two years ago. I was so fucking hungry. The crystal. Yeah. I mean, it's right there.

Our youngest was still a baby. And I was here working late on the show. And I was like, I need some food now. And so I go and I drive and all the lights are on, all the lights. Even the big sign, it's all on. And I go driving to the drive-thru, and you can hear that the drive-thru is on. And I keep saying hello, hello, hello. But no one responds to me.

And so then I drive through and all the lights are on. It's like the place was open, but no one ever responded. And there wasn't another car in the parking lot. It's like literally like a zombie movie. I was going to say it's like a haunted crystal. It's like one of those horror movies where the aliens take everybody and know what you wake up and no one's on Earth anymore. That's what happened. It made me, it freaked me out.

Two weeks later, closed for renovations. Opening soon, renovations. The sign occasionally changes. But no crystal, it's not open. And so, I don't know. I guess we lost our crystal over. Last night I went to Waffle House. Oh.

So I'm leaving the airport on the six and a half mile walk from the gate to my car. because now they have a new parking deck that's open. It is much further away from any of the action than anything else. I will say it's more advanced. It tells you where the spaces are available. And doesn't have like Wi-Fi and stuff and all kinds of- It's got a little park in the middle of it. Oh, it does.

It's got escalators to go up. Like in the old parking lot, you'd have to truck your shit up and downstairs. Now it's got escalators you can go on. Big signage everywhere. Like it's a nice new parking lot, for sure. It's like Europe. Europe has all these modern parking decks, even the ones that are thousands of years old, you know, where the Romans were parking their fucking horse and buggies. They have the ability to tell you where the open spaces are, a little green light that says this space is available. Yeah, I like that. So you don't keep driving endlessly around. Well, the old parking lot, you just drove endlessly around. But I like the old parking lot in the sense that I knew exactly where to park, even though it's a confusing, confusing situation. I knew exactly where to park to get close to the terminal, close enough to the terminal, where I only had to walk five minutes. Well, that old one that you're talking about, they're going to demolish it and then rebuild it. Okay. All right. So, you know, 10 years from now when that opens, I'll be looking forward to parking there again.

But this new red lot, it's further away. It's got a walkway, but that walkway in and of itself is very long. And then it just dumps you out on the side entrance of the north terminal, south terminal, whatever it is. Yeah, north. South terminal. And so now you're at the far opposite end of where security is. That's like a quarter mile walk just from the door to security. I mean, the Atlanta airport is not small. No. There's nothing small about it. It's huge.

And then last night when I get off the fucking plane, we land in B. They're parking us in B fine. I thought you were getting a T. No, we didn't get in a T. We got in a B. So it goes, it goes T, A, B. That's how it goes. Why does it T first?

I don't know. I don't know. Why did they call it T? I don't know. What did they call it A minus? Or something, I don't know. Or why wasn't that A? Yeah, why wasn't that A?

Why did they just shuffle them all around? What's the big deal? I mean, I understand it's going to change the signage, but you're already doing all the construction in the world over there. Anytime you get to the airport now, after midnight, the plane train, not working, ever. Now, I always like to walk anyway. I don't take the plane train. I like walking, too.

But I will share this with you. When it's just, when the plane train is normally running, you know, you've got 10 or 15 other people that are walking with you, right? It's become pretty popular to walk around that airport. I used to be. Well, because they've got the moving sidewalks. I like that part about it. And you can kind of just zip on as you're walking.

You're going extra fast. And you can look at the art. You can look at the art. They've got art displays. They've got history. They've got eye candy. I've now twice seen people vaping while they're walking down those things. And I'm like, okay, guess that's what we're doing now.

We're just vaping wherever we want to. You can get away with the vaping if you're sneaky about it, right? Be sneaky. like the rest of us, okay? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it's just like openly vaping. So stupid.

So, so, but used to be 10 years ago, even when they had the moving walkways, used to be that I would walk, but I'd be the only one walking. Or maybe there'd be another lone straggler somewhere in my 15-hour walk, you know, from T to or from E to baggage claim. Now, everybody likes to walk anyway. Now, half the people are walking, half the people are taking the plane train because the plane train is so goddamn crowded. Yeah. Well, when they shut down the plane train, everybody's walking. Right. And then it's a real fucking nightmare because you get two idiots that stand.

That stand on the walk. Yes. Sidewalk. That is, there should be some sign that says keep going. Thank you. Move. Thank you. Thank you for.

Thank you. And some people, some people get to the side. They do so you can walk around them. But others don't and it's rude. I would say that. It's going in our treaty. Yeah. It's a 50-50 shot that if someone is not walking, that they're going to move over to the side.

And you don't want to feel like the asshole that says, excuse me. I know. Excuse me. I don't want to say excuse me. You know what I want you to do? I want you to be a fucking human being and move over to the side. Or if you're just going to stand there, do us all a favor. Get off the moving walkway and stand in the middle of the room and see how fast you go.

So fucking lazy. Come on. Let's get on with it. Yeah. It should be on the treaty. When you're on a moving walkway, move to the right. Just everybody move to the right. Even if you're walking fast, stay on the right.

It's adjacent to our sidewalk treaty. You walk on the right. And then I feel like everyone is so competitive these days and tribal that when you're walking, now it's a race. Like people are racing you. And I'm like, I'm just trying to get around you. But they speed up. Yesterday I was trying to get on the plane and they call it the zone. and I don't stand there right.

Right. No. I'm in zone 12. I'm just going to stand here and block everybody. I know why do people do that? Fuck you. You're on the last zone. You're never been on a goddamn airplane ever.

Okay? If you're in zone 5, 6, 7, or 8 sit your ass down. Yeah, just sit and wait. And put your bags under the plane because they ain't going in the shelves. We already know it. not going in the cabin. It's just we already know it. We all do this every fucking time. We pretend like the people that far back of the plane are going to have space for their bags. They're not. Okay? So let's just all, so this, this, you know, here we go again. Another great

intercom situation is the people at the gate, right? Flight 975 to Delta, then I'm Brian. I'm going to be helping you out, getting on everybody safely on and off the busser today. 15 minute delay here I'd like to go ahead and start the pre-boarding process will be only extra time to get down I'd also like to tell I'd also like to ask that if you're in zone 6, 7, or 8 let you kindly come up here and check your bag

we have a full flight tonight we will run out of room we've all done this before we're all fucking humans and so if you can go ahead and check your bag we're going to save us some time trying to get out of here and try and make up that lost time no one stands up not one

One fucking person stands up because you're special. You get the exception. Now, I get it. I don't want to put my bag onto the plane either. It's just extra time I got to wait when I get off the plane for them to doodle and dawdle my bag all the way back to me. But I can guarantee that bag's getting there quicker than any of your ass is walking, standing still on the goddamn walking moveway, moving walkway. It's not going to happen. The bags are going quicker than you are.

They're on a faster conveyor belt on their way there. just pack the bag, put it under the plane. Let's all be like that, okay? But I'm standing there waiting. They call zone one. I'm in zone three. They call zone one. I'm still sitting.

They call zone two. I kind of keep an eye on it, you know? Zone two is like that weird zone where like special people go. Like it's not first class. It's not comfort. It's priority. Yeah, it's priority or million milers or whatever. All right.

So it's people like tend to be in the back of the plane. but I'm in zone three. I'm lucky enough to have a comfort seat. I already understand that I'm going to be okay with the one bag that I have. I'll be able to put it up. And if it doesn't fit, I'll stuff it under the seat, whatever. Okay? So, so I'm staying, so when they call zone two and I'm keeping an eye on it and I see the lines getting shorter and I can see the guys going for the microphone, the megaphone, the megaphone, whatever the fuck it is, the intercom.

I stand up and I walk a little bit toward. There's, of course, a hundred people standing around all. waiting to pounce, like lions waiting for red meat. And, you know, now, boogany, okay, we're boarding zones one, two, I now invite zone three, you know. Everyone's like, you know, tripping over themselves. Yeah, boom. Half the people are in zone 30, so they're just standing in front of you, just not doing anything.

And I hate that, too, because you can't tell. I'm like, are you going here or you're just standing waiting? to pounds for your zone. Some lady comes running out of nowhere, right? And just cuts right in front of me. Cuts right in front of me. I'm clearly in line. Just cuts right in front of me.

All disheveled with four bags and and I'm like, are you happy? Did you get one person ahead? Does that make you happy? You feel better now? Congratulations, you're one person ahead. Fucking so rude. She gets there.

You know, guys scanning all the things. thing, peep, beep, beep, beep, beep. It gets to her. I am seething, Chrissy. I am seething. It's all I can do to not say what I'm thinking in my head, which is like, the one fucking person that you got ahead does you no good in life whatsoever. Yeah. Congratulations. You're an idiot. You just rude for every, rude to everybody because I guess you deserve to be at the front of the line. I'm not really sure. And beep, beep, beep, beep. Gets to her. Scans it again. Scans it again. and the guy is like, try it one more time. And then he goes, let me see.

And he opens it up and he goes, you're going to Chicago. That's gate 27. This is gate 12. And she's like, and I'm like, fucking, fucking morrow. I laugh just a little bit. Just to let her know. Yeah. I go, he-he.

You know, I had to be a little bit biting, Kristen. I'm sorry. You know, I can't help it. I can't help it. That's just the way that I am. I wanted to... What are you looking for? I don't know.

Well, hold on one second. What I was looking for? What happened to my... Who's been in here? Messing with my porridge, Chrissy? Yeah. I thought... Oh, here.

This is what I... That's what I said to her. So, you know, it's been a couple weeks. And I'm back from Spain. Everyone's feeling good. We're all over our jet lag mostly. No one got majorly sick, which I think is like a good thing. Because, you know, when you go on the strips, you can get majorly sick.

And the reason why we went to Spain in the first place is because Gustavo and Alley. Gustavo. Yes. Gustavo. Blue's barking. Blue, shut up. Perfect. We've had that in a little minute. I know.

We haven't heard Blue. Because she just got surgery. So she has a big cone on her head. He looks like an idiot. And she keeps knocking into stuff, including me. I can't help but laugh sometimes. But I'm taking care of her, so don't worry. She's getting good care.

She is, however, in stage two kidney failure. So there's four stages. Stage two is like mild to moderate kidney failure. But there is a problem. So the doctor said she went down initially to get her teeth cleaned. Oh, yes. She did have bad broth. Yeah, well, she's a Yorkie.

And apparently the doctor told me that. That is a thing. The doctor, the vet was like, this is a thing with the Yorkies, smaller, the breed, the worst, the teeth. So, okay, so listen to this. So I'll tell you this story real quick, and then we'll get to the wedding story on the other side. So I take Blue in for this teeth cleaning and we go to this Banfield Pet Hospital. Did you go to the same one where, you know, you could look at everybody else? No, no, no, I can't do that. No, no, I'm not doing the emergency vet anymore. I don't want to look at anybody, you know, I just don't want to see it. I just don't want to see animals hurt.

animals and children, I can't see it. No. So I take her to the Banfield Pet Hops Hospital. They take her back for the teeth clean. It's like 7 in the morning, drop her off. You know, and they're like, okay, great. And she has this little, this little, like, bump on her cheek a couple of years ago, turned into a huge cyst on her face.

And the doctor told me, eh, it's probably not bothering her. You know, we see these all the time. They happen all over the body. Sometimes they happen on the face. when we put her to sleep for her teeth cleaning, we will take it off, we'll kill two birds with one stone. And it took us about a year to get from that conversation to the teeth cleaning for just like a myriad of different reasons. Okay, take her to the vet, drop her off.

A couple hours later, I get a phone call from the vet. And the vet says, listen, I did blood work that I'm supposed to do before I put anesthesia on a dog. And just like a human being, if there's anything that we see that's funky, we don't, we have to pause. and assess the risk. So she says, I'm going to do an addition. I see some kidney values I don't like. I'm going to do in a further assessment on the blood, a more in-depth kidney value.

I'll call you back. Two hours later, she calls me back. She says, Blue is in stage two of kidney failure. And this makes putting her under more risky. However, that thing on her face, I think it needs to come off. So while the teeth cleaning is elective, and if it was just teeth cleaning, I'd tell you we will not be doing that. But since she has this thing on her face and it may be affecting

her quality of life. I'm going to call it non-elective, and we're going to move forward with the surgery. Understanding there are additional risks because I'm giving her heavy medication like propofal that the kidneys have to process, right? And so she said, just understanding all the risks, do you agree with my assessment? I said, yes. She said, okay, we'll go in, we'll do it. All right. So hours later, hours and hours later, she comes out of the surgery. She did great. Everything's fine. We got this thing off her face. Great. Come pick her up. I go to pick her up. The nurse comes out. She's giving me all the instructions, and she says, you know, if you see some red in her water, it's because Blue lost some teeth during the teeth cleaning. Now, this has happened in other teeth cleanings too.

She's been getting teeth cleanings for like five, six of her 11 years on earth. And there has been a tooth or two on occasion that not fallen out, but he took out because they were in such bad shape. Right. Right. The vet did. But this vet told me that she lost six teeth. Six. And that the teeth didn't have to be pulled out.

They literally just pushed them out. They fell out when they were cleaning them. Oh. Blue's teeth were so bad, so rotted that six of them just fell out of her mouth. And she's like, she may have lost other ones that like she swallowed or came out. You just didn't notice. And I was like, holy shit, I feel so bad. And she's like, all Yorkies.

All Yorkies. This happens to all Yorkies. She's like, don't worry. She's got plenty of teeth left. I was going to say. How many does she have left? I don't know. I think dogs have like 50, 60.

teeth or something, you know, she's lost like 12 of them. So she's still got 40 in there. You know, she's got a bunch of teeth. But they have, now she's got a cone. She's got these stitches, this whole thing. It's, it's been quite entertaining around the house to watch Blue just kind of fumble and fuddle around and the kids like navigate how to interact with the dog with the cone on her head. Watching Blue try and put her head in the water bowl at first after just getting out from anesthesia and having a cone around her head was, One of the highlights of the last two weeks of my life, I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, eventually I helped her.

She figured it out. And they do. They figure it out, right? But it was just like, she was like, kank, kank, kank. And then she was like scooping the water into the, into the bowl, the cone. And then it was like falling down her chest. I could not stop laughing. It was so fucking funny.

All right. Anyway, Blue's doing great. Just an update. Blue's doing great. Yeah, she's still barking. Yep. Doctor says, hey, listen, we'll check her kidney values in the next couple. a couple of months, but if she stays at level two, we can probably squeeze another three or four

years out of blue. But I said in return, we're probably going to squeeze another 12 out of blue because this dog has no quit. You don't understand, doctor. She's a pain of my existence. All right. Let's take a break when we get back. The shoeless Joe Jackson story from the wedding. You're going to like this one. I can't wait to hear. I can't wait to tell it. I haven't told it. Shoalist Joe Jackson. We'll be back. has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us. 212-4333-3-TCB. That's 212-4333822. Visit our website, TCB Podcast. For all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos at YouTube.com slash the commercial break.

And finally, share the show. It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian? That really wasn't that difficult, now was it? You're welcome. It's one of those songs that just ends at a weird place. I have a longer version. I just don't think it all got put it dumped into the thing. So sometimes it's just like, yeah, I didn't expect it to end that quickly, but it did. I wish it would go on forever because I love a good guitar solo.

I know. All right, so we go to the wedding. You know, everybody is gathering in Madrid. This is going to be a typical Spanish Venezuelan wedding. You know, this is not an unpopular thing. It's a huge party. If you listen to the schedule on this thing, just the schedule of some of these weddings, these Venezuelan weddings are insane.

The Venezuelans have no quit in them. That's what they don't. They don't have any quit. So long before the wedding, I get a text message from Astrid, and she says, for the wedding, 1230 or 230 bus at 12.30 a.m. 2.30 a.m. bus. I was to think I was in New York. And I'm like, ha? And so she calls me and she says, do you want to take, excuse me, do you want to take the 1230

or the 230 a.m. bus. And I go, what are you talking about? 12.30 a. We have children. We're not thinking the 1230 a. We'll take a cab whenever the kids get, you know, done. No, but they don't go out there, right? What's that? They didn't go out that far, right? The cabs? Yeah, the cabs don't, right? Hold on one second. So, um, okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. There's like something going on on my text messages that need to be addressed like immediately, so I just wanted to check it. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I don't normally do that. You know me. I'm normally 100% unfocused on the commercial rate. Yes. 100% unfocused on what I'm talking about. So the wedding is going to be in downtown Madrid at a beautiful cathedral, the full mass. We're getting the full Boscollo treatment at church,

right? Full mass, full ass. We're all going for it. We're going to be there for an hour. You want the body of Christ, you do the whole nine yards. This is a beautiful cathedral. Beautiful. Sure. Stunning. Right in the middle of downtown Madrid. Smack down. Put a pin in it right there. But Alley, in her beautiful wedding planning skills with whoever she did this with, probably her mother and like a couple of wedding planners.

Mm-hmm. They found an old palace about an hour outside of Madrid that now has been turned into an event facility. So imagine this. You drive an hour outside into the beautiful part, the mountainous part of Madrid. You drive up this little mountain. You get to the top and then you drive about quarter of a mile on this dirt road. And all of the sudden you're at this palace. Lovely.

With beautiful buildings that have been renovated, that look lovely, manicured lawn, a pond. and ostriches. Oh, yeah. Ostriches. It is a working ostrich farm because they get the eggs, I guess. They eat the ostrich eggs, right? And so there's like, I'll tell that story in a minute about the ostriches.

But this place, but just no, it's an hour outside of Madrid. Yes. So wedding ceremony, which we'll get into at some point two, then after the wedding ceremony, we all walk about a block and a half up. And just like the last Spanish wedding that I went to, walk a black and a half, the whole wedding party, full tucks, 98 degrees in Madrid, you know, 100% humidity, sunny, shining, 5 o'clock in the afternoon. And then we all get on these big tour buses, these huge, tall tour buses. We all climb up into them. And so there's 100 people on each bus. I think there was like 200 and some odd, I think there was

about 200 people on the bus. So it's like 50, 60, 70 people per bus, three buses. And we all drive an hour. Yeah. At first, I assumed that when Astrid said 1230 or 230, or 230, that she was saying, do you want to take the bus? And I was like, well, why don't we just drive or take a cab? Right. You know, we can get out there. I didn't understand it was an hour away. I didn't understand they had set up the bus as for us.

They had snacks on the bus and everything. I was going to say, probably a party on the way out there. Yes, it was. Parties already started. I mean, plenty of people, you weren't not supposed to be drinking at the church, but plenty of people were, right? My twin brother was there. I'd guarantee he was drinking.

That's just the kind of guy he is. He likes it, you know. When it's a party, he's partying. Yeah. So when Astor said 1230 or 3.30, I said, it's more likely we'll take the 1230 bus, but this is her brother's wedding. And she said, I don't know. I might want to stay for the whole thing. I said, okay, well, whatever, we'll figure it out. But turns out there was no 1230 bus. There was no 230 bus. There was no 230 bus. There was just a 3 a.m. bus. A 3 a.m. The girls went to a hotel. We rented like a hotel conference room so that the girls could get their makeup and hair done. And so that Gustavo could get ready.

and pictures could be taken. So me and some of the other groomsmen, we went and we got ready at this hotel, downtown, Madrid, overlooking the central street, beautiful, right? Big glass, floor-to-ceiling windows. You could open up the drapes. You were overlooking the city,

all the hustle and bustle. It was lovely. It was wonderful. The girls went at like 8.39 in the morning to start getting ready. The guys were instructed to be there at noon, noon 1230. So we were there. I think we ended up getting there about one or one 30. We ended up getting there at one or one 30. Gustavo, when I first got to Madrid, Gustavo the very next morning had me go

with Danny, Astrid's other brother, and his girlfriend, we all went so that I could get fitted for a tux. We had two days before the wedding. And I got fitted for a tux in two days at this tiny little Spanish place where there was a hundred guys smashed in there and all these other Spanish well-dressed men like, you know, right up in my crotch, you know, zip, zip, zip. He told me to try on a pair of pants, right? He said, try on these pair of pants. So I try them on, they're whatever they are, 32's. Tight. It's tight, Chrissy. He says, let me get, I said, I said, yeah, I go, do you have a 33, you have a 32 and a half? I think that might be better, right? I get a couple, I eat a couple of, you know, I Iberico hands.

It's going to pop. And he says, we don't do halves, but I got a 33. Let's try that on. I try the 33. It's like going to fall off me. It's, that's not comfortable either. So I said, give me the 32. I'll deal with it, right?

I'll starve myself. I won't eat that extra Iberico. I won't drink chocolate milk as a substitute for coffee, which is basically what the coffee is over there. Cold coffee is chocolate milk. And I said, okay, give me the 32s. Okay. But Gustavo takes care of all of this. Like, it's all just paid for, right?

So I'm like, great, we got to, I got to pick it up then, you know, two days later. I got to pick it up in the morning. Fantastic. Gustavo says, I said, let me pay for this. No, no, no, no, brother. The only thing you have to get is your own black shoes. But I already knew this. I already, Astrid already prepped me for this.

We just had to find a pair of black shoes. You didn't have a pair? Not dress. No, not the, no. I do have a pair of black shoes, but not ones that, would look good with this. Okay. Not, not tuxedo, right? So all the guys make a decision, including Gustavo, that we're all going to get just a relatively nice but cheap pair of good-looking loafer types. And it doesn't matter what kind they are, just, you know, have black shoes on,

black shiny shoes. Yeah. So I go to Corta Ingles. I go to all these different shoe stores. You know, I'm trying to find these black shoes, but they're just a little too expensive. The ones that I like or just like, you know, 119 euros, 130 euros. And I'm really looking for like that 60 or 70, 80 euros maybe. So that I'm not spending $200 on shoes that I know I won't wear again for at least another two years. Right? You don't wear black loafers a whole bunch. When I'm wearing a suit, I usually have brown shoes on. Okay. All right. So I, one day, Gustavo comes over to the apartment where we're staying and he's showing the shoes off that he's got. And they are the same, I saw these shoes at Corte Inglis. But I just assumed they were expensive because of the way that they

looked. And he said, nope, got these at Corte Inglis 70 pounds. Oh, that was what you wanted. Lovely. Awesome. So the night before the wedding, Astrid and they're all out somewhere. I don't know, everyone's out somewhere. And I said, okay, while you guys are gone, I got to make these couple of work phone calls. I go to Corte Inglis. I'll get these shoes. And that's exactly what I do. I buy the same shoes that Gustavo has. Oh, good. And now Danny has the same shoes that Gustavo has. And I think Daniel, the Astor's father, has the same shoes.

We all have just basically the same shoes. Good. Lovely. Matching. Worked out. Fantastic. 1230, 130, 130, whatever time rolls around. And we are due to be at this hotel so that we can get pictures taken and all this other shit.

Now, I will tell you that the heat dome was over space. And it was over 90 degrees and the humidity was outrageous. Like you step outside, you are sweating. Yes, it's thick. It's like walking through water, right? It's not comfortable. I had shorts on going to the hotel. I was feeling very comfortable in those shorts.

You get to the hotel. It's nice and air condition. All right. We're all getting dressed. Photographers are coming. So we're all getting our stuff kind of on so that, you know, we can take these pictures when he gets here and have these photographs that will last a lifetime. You don't want to miss out on the groomsman's photos.

That's a lifetime. An opportunity to give your brother-in-law a hug. Welcome to the family. Well, he's already part of the family. But you get what I'm saying. Welcome to the family again. Re-welcome. Re-welcome to the family.

Actually, I'm in your family. So I don't know. You get what I'm saying. So we're all dittling and dawdling around. And Gustavo goes to put on his shoes and they rip. Rip. Rip. The shoes fucking rip.

Like, ripped, where? Like, they come off the... Oh, no, the soul? The soul comes off the front of it. Oh, no. Because of the heat? So now it's like, I don't know. So it's not like one of these talking shoes.

You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, oh, fuck. Okay, all right. Yeah. But guess what? I have the exact same shoes on. And guess what? I have the exact same size shoes on.

Now, just to take a moment of pride here, Gustavo's six foot three, big boy. He's got the same shoe that I do. That means... Our dicks are probably the same size. Just saying. I got a wagon wheel down here, okay? All right.

Point of pride. If I might take a point of pride, if that's okay. I was going to say, you've talked about the small side, and so I think he might be disparaging Gustavo in this conversation. Hey, size seven and a half, plenty of guys wear size seven and a half. That's seven and a half. Okay. All right.

So I quickly... Did you have your shoes on already? I did. And I am the MacGyver of situations like this. Yeah. I'm really good under pressure. I immediately identify that Gustavo can have my shoes. He needs the shoes.

He needs the shoes. He's the groom. If I go down with my socks on and hide my feet under the, you know, the little vestibule there, everything will be okay. The praying bench? I can bring sneakers to dance in later on. We'll figure it out. Like, okay. But Astrid goes, you got to have some shoes.

I'm like, no shit, Sherlock. But that's okay. We're in the middle of downtown Madrid. There is a court to English around the corner. There are million shoe shops. I'll be back. I'll be back before the photographer gets there. Now, I am in a full tuxedo.

Tight pants. Oh, and by the way, when I went to pick up the pants, the guy says to me, in Spanish, I put both sizes in there. Oh, okay, good. I was like, fucking ain't right, dude. Okay? Everybody else wearing suspenders, the whole nine yards, when I open up the package where my thing is, he was supposed to give me a 32 and a 33. What he ended up giving me was a 30 and a 35 or something like that. I couldn't fit in either of them.

So I have pants that don't are way too tight, Chrissy. Or way too tight. Yeah, I'm not going to wear the two big ones because they just look weird. Like, you know, my crotch is down to here. I mean, to get back to my dick size, I really don't need that much room. Do you know what I'm saying? So I'm like, holy fucking tit nuts. Now I'm squeezed in these sausage pants.

Like rodling. Yes, waddling around. Oh, and the other reason why I didn't wear the big ones is because you forgot to put the suspenders in there. So now I'm the only groomsman without suspenders. I'm the only groomsman without shoes. And I'm the only groomsman that looks like a fucking chorizo sausage. Okay?

If you didn't know my dick size before you're new a day. So I'm like, oh man. But now I got to go trancing around downtown Madrid in this full suit looking like a total fucking mora. But that is exactly what I do. I go downstairs to the hotel, the elevator. I'm so worried about time because I want to get back before the photographer gets. There's a whole reason why we're waking up early and going through all this drama.

And so I look on the map. Okay, court to English is right there. Okay, I'm just going to go and I'll find it. The court to English is like a store, but it's like a mall. Oh, okay. I wondered what that was. If you've ever been to Spain or if you ever been to Spain, you know what a court to English is. They sell everything from food to electronics.

They have whole grocery stores. they're all usually very big and you can get anything and everything you need there. And they have different, like inside the store, they have different stores of different fashion brands and all this other stuff. Sometimes their grocery stores are bigger than our Walmarts. Like just that part of it. They're huge and they're awesome. And they can be affordable and you can get great looking clothes. I got a whole new wardrobe over there for like, I don't know, you know, 300 euros.

Anyway, I see the Corto Inglis. It's about a quarter of a mile away behind us. I'm like, okay, here we go. Zippity-duda. I'm walking through the square. I'm like this. Right. I'm so squeezed into these pants.

I can barely walk. Yeah. I'm afraid if I bend over, my ass is going to rip. And so when you're wearing tight clothing and it's 92 degrees outside, at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, high noon, and 98% humidity, I'm like drenched instantaneously, right? I'm squeezed into these pants. I've got stark white sneakers on with this tuxedo.

I look like the American. Yeah. I look like the American. That's what I look like. And so I'm zippity-dudan over to the court to Ingles. It's six stories, Chrissy. Six stories. Wow.

But six floors or stuff? Six floors of stuff. I enter through the second on the ground floor, on the ground level, which is floor number two. It's like all vacuums. And I'm like, okay. I'm reading the signs. I know how to read Spanish. And I don't see anywhere it says men's section, but I'm like, it's got to be here. It's six stories. I go downstairs. That's the travel section. That's where they have a bunch of travel agents and you can go by travel. Okay. So I go back up to the escalator, go to floor one. That's the vacuums. Go to floor two. This is all the home electronics, the speakers and the televisions. And I'm like, okay, it's got to be on floor three. I go up to floor three. It's, you know, they sell, it's the milk section. It's all milks and cheeses. And I'm like, okay, the cheesery. I go all the way up to the sixth floor. There's not a fucking stitch of clothing in the entire place. It turns out this is a special kind of court to Ingolus, or they don't have clothes.

They just have milk and speakers for your house. Yeah. If you need milk and speakers, go there. I'm like, oh, so now I got to try and find a shoe store in downtown Madrid, which is not, shouldn't be that hard. It's downtown Madrid. Yeah, yeah. There's a, there's stores, thousands of stores within earshot. I'm running up and down these cobblestone streets. I see shoe store after shoe store, and shoe store after shoe store is mainly for women. Shoes store, women, women, athletic, you know, running store, blah, blah, blah. Finally, I see this little rinky dink place, and it's got women's shoes.

But then I see a stairway. And in the window, I see a couple of guys' shoes at top, like a couple guys' dress shoes in the window. So I'm like, they must have guys. So I go into the bottom. I ask the lady, she says, they're upstairs. I go walking upstairs, sweating my balls off, right? And when I get upstairs, there is no air conditioning upstairs. So now it's 107 degrees.

I'm in a sauna now. But there are guys' shoes everywhere. I'm like, okay, I find a pair of shoes. They look fantastic. I go downstairs. In my broken English, in my broken Spanish in English. English. I don't speak either of them. Well, I say, can I get these in a size 12 and a half or whatever, right? And she goes, she's gone for five minutes. She comes back and she says, no, I have size 11 and size 14. And I'm like, nope, not going to play. Already doing that with my pants. I'd like to feel comfortable in my feet. So I run back upstairs. Chrissy, like, fully sweating through my suit now, through the entire thing. And I bring down two more pairs. of shoes and I say 12 and a half. She's gone for five minutes and then she says, nope, don't have

those in size 12 and a half either. So luckily, there's lots of black shoes upstairs. So I go upstairs. You have to keep going up to stairs too. And it's like 28 stairs. You know what I'm saying? It's like the 30 foot ceiling. So I have to go and it's just like, I go all the way upstairs. And I go back downstairs. And I say, can I get these in a 12 and a half? And she says, I'll be right back. And when she says I'll be right back, I'm like, let me bring one more pair downstairs just in case. Does happen again. Yeah. Okay. Because I know she's going to be gone for five minutes. She's done this last time. I go up the stairs and guess where the lady is?

Oh, upstairs. Upstairs! Well, I was going to say, what am I doing with my life? Well, I was going to say, was there somebody to help you upstairs? No. There was no one, not a fucking soul upstairs. It was just me. Why did she? I don't know. Like, meet me upstairs. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. you, I could not tell you. I was so livid. I had just like, you know, my blood pressure is through the roof. I'm sweating like a pig. And I've been going up and down these stairs. And she's been upstairs the whole time looking for the shoe. I'm like, why don't we both save ourselves a trip here?

She probably had an elevator. Yeah, she probably had an elevator. Right. So finally I get a pair of shoes. I run back to the, yeah, I'd run. I run back. Pictures are almost over at that point. Like I missed most of the pictures. But we managed to snap a few. And then, you know, of course, we all have cameras on our hips at all times. Yes. So we got some photographs that we were able to take some photographs and some pictures. And then we all got into a cab to head to the church. And I am telling you what, Chrissy, this is, I was so, I was like.

Yeah, you couldn't even sit. This in the cab. And the kids were like, what's wrong, Dad? And I'm like, nothing. Don't worry about it. It's not about me. It's not about me today. And then we get to that church, and there's hundreds of people, and we're all stand, the groomsmen, and there's 50 groomsmen and 50 bridesmaids, like all Venezuelan weddings.

And we're all waiting to get, you know, in the procession to go down the truth. There was no rehearsal, by the way, so we're all just kind of being paired up by the wedding planners as we go along. And, you know, I walked down with somebody I know, one of L.A.'s cousins, I just love. I adore her. And so we went down together, and then I get to sit. in the second row, and I am in these slick tuxedo pants, right, that are barely on me, that are barely hanging on for life. I really want to unbuckle them, but I don't because I'm in a church and, you know, I might have to stand up. And I don't know. There was no rehearsal. Are they going to call me to do something? I don't know, right? But now we're in these slick church pews.

So I'm like, every time I slide, I like slide a couple feet. They're like, oh, freshly oiled church pews. You know what I'm saying? And I look over and my son is like sliding back and forward. For fun. Yeah. And these slick pants he's in. Uh-huh. And so the whole time. But then I know what a Catholic Mass entails.

It entails kneeling. And I'm like, the second I fucking kneel, these pants are going to go, they're just going to split in the back. So I had to kneel like this. I was like this. To the side. Yeah, to the side. I was like. And the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Keep my testicles in my pants, please. I was doing this whole dance. I saw at one point Daniel looked over at me, and he's like, I didn't do it, you. It's a fucking idiot even in church. This is my idiot son-in-law. He's his own as I am. Shoeless the whole time. Shula's the whole time.

And by the way, by the end of the wedding, my shoes were splitting too. They were. Even the new ones? I think it was just so hot outside. I don't think they were meant to like take a 14-hour party. When I say we danced the entire time, we almost didn't take a break, Chrissy. I had so many Orginas. The next day I was peeing orangina.

And we just danced. Oh, what a fun. entire time. The DJ was great. Oh my God, was it beautiful. I've never been at a wedding so beautiful. I mean, listen, the last wedding I went to in Sevilla was super fucking pretty, super fucking pretty. And it was amazing with the dancing horse and the whole nine yards. It was no dancing horse, right? No dancing horse. But just, it equally as beautiful of a setting, equally as beautiful of a, of a, location and so well done. The food was excellent. The ostriches, you know, they smell. It's a little smelly. Do they? Yeah. Yeah. And ostrich? Yeah. The world's biggest and fastest bird. I don't think I've really been close to one. Yeah, well, I think they're dangerous. Like, I don't think you actually want to be near an ostrich. I think ostriches kill more people every year than sharks and alligators combined. No. I just made that out. Yes. Welcome to Fox News, everybody.

Benk-on. All right, let's take a break. We'll talk more about the wedding and we get back. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute.

Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her, or me or Chrissy, at 212-4333-3-TCB. That's 212-4-3-3-3-TCB. That's 212-4-3.

33, 3822. You can be on the show too. Mm-hmm. Just call and say something. Anything. Or text us and we'll text you're right back. Promise. Then head over to TCBpodcast.com and get your free sticker.

It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Best to you. And Astrid, especially Astrid. I walked in the door to grab a latte. I paid $10, heard Arianna Grand A.

But then I saw him and his big dog. I felt my knees weak. Here came the brain falls. And though I'm not gay, you make me feel that way. I hope it never ends. My new Starbucks boyfriend. All my toes curl. All the feels come.

My world of gold, you are my shining sun. We love to talk sports and swim in pools. You like the patio. I like the bar stools. And we spill tea and we crochet. The other tables might think we're gay. I don't really care. I hope it never ends.

You're my best Starbucks boyfriend. And though we're still straight, you make me feel a certain way. I hope it never ends. My new Starbucks boyfriend. And though I'm not gay, you make me feel that way. I hope it never ends. My new Starbucks boyfriend. I hope it's...

My new Starbucks boyfriend. My new Starbucks boyfriend. Bown. Beanie down. Beanie down. I'll tell you what. The, when you get in to, Madrid is like a 24-hour city. It's just like New York, right?

There's, you can draw a lot of comparisons besides the very tall buildings. I mean, Madrid has some tall buildings, but they were built, you know, thousands of years ago or whatever they have, you know, I've always said this. They have doorknobs that are older than the entire United States. So over there in Europe in general, it's just a more. Yeah. It's been around longer. It's been around longer. But when we started, we got on that bus at three and the bus took off at 3.15 for the hour ride home, my kids were wasted.

All of them sleeping. Just wiped. Just wiped. Two of them fell asleep about an hour, about 2 a.m. right? Right at 2 a.m. All the kids at the party were doing great until after midnight. And then one by one, the younger they were, the sooner they were. the sooner they fell out.

And there was like a long bench where they had put some tables against on the inside. You got to imagine like an inside outdoor facility. So they had a huge patio where everyone put tables and they would eat. Yeah. Right? That's where the, it was a buffet. So you would get your food and you had your table and your seating assignment. But no one was really sitting and eating.

Everyone was inside dancing. They had a huge bar with like five bartenders. And that bar was just going the whole time. You get whatever you want, right? and then they had a big dessert table in the middle and then a huge dance floor. And behind the dessert table, they had this long bench, like long, you know, couch essentially, up against the wall. And they had put some tables up there. But the later the night got, the tables started to get moved around as the children started to get put on the bench and go to sleep.

And the parents, you know, some parents, I think were pretty close to going to sleep also. But I just watched as the night went on as more and more children started to bench up. And I was really proud of my kids because they were just, they're showing their Venezuelan side. They were up past midnight. You know, even the youngest one, the youngest one was up until around 2.30. And my oldest one fell asleep about 2. But the other one fell asleep about 2.30. And my middle child, who was the dancer of the group, she was like the superstar of the stage.

Oh, I can imagine. Everyone dancing with her. I think she didn't go to sleep because she was getting so much attention. She loved it. She was out there dancing the entire time. And it's her Uncle Gustavo and her Uncle Danny. And, you know, she's on everybody's shoulders and she's doing flips. And she's just, she just had a ball. And that is one of the things that I really like about the Venezuelan culture in general. And I'll share this with you. They party. They party. But every generation is involved. Astrid's grandfather was there. Even he made it till like, probably midnight, one o'clock in the morning. the guy is probably approaching 95 years old. Yeah.

And he was out there doing a little dancing. All the older ladies were dancing. You know, older ladies, including me, were dancing. I was an older lady out there dancing. So everyone was just having a good old time. Everyone was having a great party. And the youngest are included. They're like, this is their right of passage.

This is their birth into the Venezuelan culture. We don't hide the children. We invite the children. Be a part of it. You're a part of it. This is what you do. We're showing you how to do it when you're here, right? And that's not ignored.

In the American culture at a lot of American weddings, ones I've been to, no fault of their own. It's a tradition passed down from American to American that the children are to go to the room at a certain point. Or they need to be somewhere that's not there. Now, for the first three hours, four hours of the wedding, there were babysitters that were hired. And those babysitters were like, you know, 20-something teenage girls, whatever. And they were outside. They had a bunch of games and activities for the kids. So they were keeping them occupied.

But as the night went on, the kids started to get more integrated into the party and the dancing and having fun. Oh, I love that. You know, I got my kid, a couple tequila shots. He's like seven. You know, that's what you do, right? Take a couple of tequila shots. Probably why he fell asleep early. I did not give my kid tequila.

Let me make that clear for some people who like to take the show a little too seriously. But there's this like cultural inclusion that happens. I love that. And a cultural inclusion, even if you're not part of the culture. I was out there dancing. I don't know the fuck how to dance. I have no idea. But I was dancing with the guys.

I was dancing with the girls. I was dancing with my wife. I was dancing with my kids. I was dancing with, you know, 15-year-olds and, you know, 95-year-olds. I didn't care. It was everyone was just having a great time. And I love that. But sometimes the American weddings I go to, the kids are like, you know, yeah, they can come to the ceremony, but, you know, or you have kids, we're going to put you at this table, you know, put you far away from all the action.

And I understand why it's done. But when you go to the two different weddings, you can see how they're treated, how families sometimes are treated a little bit differently. It's all about family in a Venezuelan wedding. In an American wedding, it's all about partying, right? And kids are an inconvenience to that part. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Yeah. And so, you know, even Astrid and I, we had a ton of kids at our wedding.

And we just, we loved it. We loved it. I begged for her to tell the kids to go somewhere else. But Astrid said, no, the kids are coming. But I thought, well, should the kids really come to the reception? But they did, and I'm glad they did because they had a fucking fantastic time. Now I've been to three, two Spanish weddings. And I'll tell you what, I loved my wedding.

Yeah, I prefer this. I wish we would have gotten married in Spain. I don't even think we ever talked about it, but I wish we had gotten married. Your wedding was so much fun. Oh, my God. It was a total blast. We had a great time. Yeah.

But even the Ritz-Carlton, where it was, and not because we're rich, but because we got a good deal on the Ritz-Carlton. Even the Ritz-Carlton is not a Ritz-Carlton anymore. I know, I know that. That's crazy. I think it's one of the few Ritz-Carlton's that has closed over the years. Well, I mean, it's the same Marriott owner of it, but it's just a different hotel. Yeah, they changed it into another brand. Yeah.

I guess they figured they didn't need two Ritz-Carlton's. There's one in downtown. There's one in downtown. But I like that Buckhead one so much better than. I know. Yeah. So much better than that one downtown. I don't know why.

They should have done it the other way. I agree. They should have made the other one a Marriott in that one. But anyway, you know, but you can't beat the location of a, like in the Spanish wedding when you're in Madrid or somewhere like that. There's just no comparison. Downtown, Buckhead Atlanta, downtown Madrid. You take Madrid every fucking day of the week.

unless you're in a heat dome and have no shoes and you're trying to run around in your sausage pants. Yeah, I unbuckle my pants as soon as we got to the dance. I can imagine. Zoop! I hope they don't fall, but I'm not going to have anything to do with it. That's so weird that he gave you the wrong sizes. Both. Both wrong sizes and no suspenders.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. I don't know. I didn't even say anything when I dropped it off. I was just like, whatever. But, you know, this was a working ostrich form, right? And so at some point in the night after midnight, people were trying to leave.

Some people had driven their own cars there. And so some people were like hitching a ride. Like my twin brother got a ride with my uncle-in-law back to somewhere in Madrid. And then from Madrid, they took a cab. But at some point when some people were leaving, I was helping Astrid's grandfather to the car that they were going in. Yeah. And so I had to walk from this venue part of it all the way up to the front where the parking was. So imagine like, I don't know, a tenth of a mile, quarter of a mile from that building to the parking lot.

So I had to walk and you got to walk past a couple of buildings and it's like this gravel, you know, driveway or whatever. And I'm walking back and as I'm walking back, I'm making a video for my Instagram. And as I'm making the video for my Instagram, I turn the corner and there's a couple of like street lights, lights where you can, see stuff in this huge farm that we're at. And I turned the corner. And I swear, Chrissy, on all my life, I thought there was a mountain lion laying on the gravel. It scared the holy shit out of me.

But what it really was was a dog. A dog that shepherds the ostriches back into the farm at night. So they don't get eaten by the mountain lions, right? They have to get put inside. because you're in the mountains of Madrid that's like mountain lines. It's like California. They have some kind of big cat. So I figured out as a dog. I'm like, okay, thank God this. He's scared the shit out of me. But I'm making this video and I make a little noise. I'm like, you know, and I'm on a working ostrich farm.

Like that. And all of the sudden, you hear, ma-ma! Mama! And I'm like, what? It's like right behind me. And I look, there's like these two ostrich heads just like, ma'm going. Wow. Start running. I'm running in my sausage pants.

I'm like, they're the fastest creatures on earth, ostriches are. Like the third fastest creatures on earth. Yeah, I don't think on earth. I'm not going to outrun an ostrich. Aren't ostrichers one of the fastest creatures on earth? I don't know. Can't they run like at 110 miles per hour or something? Was the roadrunner an ostrich?

No, he was a peacock. No, not a peacock. He's a roadrunner. There's actually a bird called the roadrunner. Let me do a little. Hold on. Let me ask chat real quick. Let's see if we can get her to talk.

Hold on. Okay. Hey, chat. I mean, I think they're fast, but. What's that? Yeah, I think they're fast, but you're right. Maybe not that fast. Hey, chat.

Are ostrich is fast? Fast? Very fast. An ostrich is the fastest bird on. land and one of the fastest animals in the world. Okay. Reaching speeds of 40 to 45 miles per hour and can maintain high speeds much longer than almost any other animal.

It can take strides of up to 16 feet in length. Well, they've got those long legs. Yeah, its powerful legs have enough kick to force a serious injury to predators. Average human sprint is 15 miles per hour. Yeah. Elite human sprinteres do 27 to 28. ostrich, 45-mouthed. That's fast.

Double the speed. Yeah. And I am not an elite runner. Yeah. So I'm running. And then there's a guy that's like standing and like I turn a corner and there's a guy that's standing right there. And he's like, hey, hey, okay, okay.

You know, in Spanish. And I say, yeah, I'm sorry. I thought I saw one of the ostriches. And it made me a little nervous. And he's like, oh, no, they're in the barn, like the ostrich barn. He's like, if you saw them, it's just because you saw them over the gate or whatever. And so then that's when I, no one had answered. Why?

Before dinner, when the sun was still up, going down, why there were a bunch of ostriches outside the patio. They were just all over the place, right? There was like six or seven of them just out there. Just meandering around? And then he told me, it's a working ostrich farm. Like, well, you know, we farm the eggs. We do the thing. And I said, aren't ostrich is dangerous?

And he's like, oh, yeah, that's why we have the Pyrenees, the dog. It's like, we, that dog is the one who goes in and kind of wrangles them up. He's like, because you don't want to have an angry ostrich. they can be super dangerous to humans. Wow. And I'm like, yeah, let's put them out where we're eating. I know. Just right there where we're eating.

Just angry ostriches. To be fair, they disappeared before we had dinner, so I think the dogs had like already headed them up or whatever. And I said, oh, well, you know, have you ever had any, laughing? I said, have you ever had any accidents? Like, has ever been an accident on the farm? And he's like, yes, I've been knocked over by them a couple times. And he's like, I broke my arm one time.

And I was like, holy shit. Like, they come running at you. you're not getting away from an ostrich. They run twice as fast as, you know, fucking whatever that guy's name is. Who's the guy? Usain Bolt. Yeah, Usain Bolt. Yeah, telling you what.

So anyway, it was this great party. We got back to town, you know, this whole car ride. The kids were sleeping. A lot of the more mature human beings were in front of the bus. And then the younger kids were in the back. Completely smashed. making all kind of noises, singing all kinds of songs. It was funny.

It was fun to me. But, you know, not fun for everybody, I'm sure, but fun for me. And everyone was having a good time. But by the time we started reaching close to downtown Madrid, I'm like, even this is a 24-hour city, how in the fuck are we going to get from where we're getting dropped off to our Airbnb that's like seven miles away? We're not going to walk that, right? That's crazy. see, be like a three-hour walk.

What are we going to do? But then I start to realize, eh, there's taxi cabs that are all over the place. We can probably get taxi cabs. So I started to strategize a little bit in my head, being like a selfish dick. Because I'm thinking, well, yeah, there's going to be cabs that we can find.

We're going to be dropped off in the center of Madrid. So there's definitely going to be some cabs out there. But there are about to be 200 people that are dropped off. at the same exact place, and they're all going to need taxis of some sort, because the buses, the trains aren't running, so they're going to need to get taxis of some sort. So as soon as that bus started to slow down, I'd just grab my children by the scruff of the neck, and I was like, let's go, kids. Yeah, I'm getting in front of everybody here. And luckily, you know, it's a

wedding party. Most of us are family. Most of us knew each other. So luckily, there was like two older, like maybe in their 30s, a couple. And at the first, taxi pulled up almost as soon as our bus stopped a taxi pulled up you know knew saw what was going on knew there was potential business there pulled up we were waving our hands pulled up and there was like a couple in front of me and I was like oh oh I have kids and they were and the guy like begrudgingly I think to impress his date was like okay okay you pulled the zone I didn't care it was four in the morning and I still had to go home get my kids showered and put them to bed.

This was the latest those children have ever been up. It was 5.30 in the morning by the time we went to sleep. But I just thought to myself as I was going to sleep, we did it. We're teaching our kids how to be Venezuelan. Yes. We are teaching our children. Yes, good job. Good work.

How to be Venezuelan. And Astrid's still trying to teach me how to be Venezuelan. You're in training. I am in training. If you look at my Instagram, you'd think I was there. Oh, what a great wedding. I've got like four more really good stories, but I didn't want to have. to get into them here because they're long and, you know, one story per day.

That's how I'm going to dole it out to you. You'll have to come back. Jenny says, too bad the wedding wasn't at the Great Wolf Lodge. Good thing the wedding wasn't at the Great Wolf Lodge. Yeah, I don't think of Venezuelan wedding would do all that great at the Great Wolf Lodge. Everyone would leave except for the people in the wedding. Although, you know, that would be a fun place to have like an event. Yeah.

Like, you know, if you were like an American and like that was a, you know, that'd be a wild place to have a party. Mr. Man would make sure they clean that water. Well, right. Yeah. They probably put as much chlorine in their pool as I put in my pool. I've got to him out. Got to him out. All right.

You know, we'll be back next week. I think next week, Astrid and I will be filling in for me. Filling in for Chrissy as Chrissy does what? Colorado again. Colorado. Yeah. You going back to see. Well, we, yeah, we're going to see.

the daughter. Olive, yes. I couldn't see her. And then we're going to go take a little trip to Telluride. Cool. Yeah. Is there like a music festival? You're going to go Tell Your Ride Music Festival?

No. No. I just have never been and it looks beautiful. Okay. Well, good. Gracie's taking another vacation. There's six vacations into it. Hey.

Most, to be fair, most of my travels for work. But sometimes it's for vacation. Yeah, then when you get back, we'll be back for two weeks and then we're going to be gone. You've got to leave. Oh, you're going? Okay, we'll talk about it. Yeah, I think in July at some point. And then, you know, my birthday's in September.

I'm thinking about doing something for my birthday. Okay. It's a big one. The big three-oh. Yep. The big three-o. Yep, yep. Apple might get to celebrate.

All right, make sure you subscribe at YouTube.com slash the commercial break for all of the episodes on video. You can please subscribe to us on all of the audio distribution channels. You know them, Apple, Spotify, CastBox. on pod bean, whatever the other fuck it is. Subscribe, write a review. We certainly would appreciate it. Watch us on YouTube. Watch us live.

Usually every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, unless one of us are on vacation, which seems to be very often. And you can do that at YouTube.com slash the commercial break or Twitch. Oh, at the commercial break on Instagram. And you can get hold of us there via D. All right. Oh, okay.

All right. Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you. Best of you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say and we must say. Goodbye.