The Commercial Break - TCB Classic: Two Wettings

Episode Date: February 23, 2026

From The Cheetah to the grave, chaos abounds! The Cheetah Bryan’s British Fluffer Where else can brothers touch brothers? Irving’s chaotic funeral A funeral planned by his first of three wives I cannot in good conscience give a rundown of this funeral…you just have to listen I will say it involves a runaway golf cart, emails read aloud, and a bad casket lowerer Burn Bryan to a crisp and snort him at the party Write us a eulogy for Bryan!   LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us   212.433.3TCB text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

on this episode of the commercial break. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, it is a Tuesday, and I am going to start putting out a TCB classic for you to listen to so that you don't have to go so many days without a commercial break episode. And we have a huge catalog of almost a thousand episodes to dig through. And this first TCB classic, it is a request straight from you. The listeners, I actually got this request on now. three separate occasions.

So, you know, if we have four listeners and three of you are telling us you like this episode, well, then there you go. This must be one of your favorites. My mom, who is a lovely lady, dated a man for a while named Irving. And if you've listened to the show since the beginning, you'll know exactly who Irving is. A couple years ago, Irving passed away because he was old and in failing health. And we did love Irving. But he was a quirky man, and his funeral turned out to be even more quirky.

It was my mom, my twin brother, a very lovely rabbi trying her best, and Irving's son, along with two facilities managers who did their best to keep Irving from literally rolling into the grave. Here's two weddings and a funeral on this TCB classic. Enjoy. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Director of Therapeutic ketamine services. Kristen Joy Haudley, best to you, Chrissy. Good, see you, Brian.

And best of you out there in the podcast universe, wherever you may be listening. Maybe you're in the Hamptons or Palm Beach, or Palm Beach, or the Hamptons. I hope you are. Chrissy and I can only think of two luxurious places in the world. Palm Beach and the Hamptons. Maybe you're at a party right now in the Hamptons, chilling out with your ketamine bombs. Yeah. I saw that, I was telling this story, and I just had to pop up.

on air real quick to share this story. I've shared this story on the commercial break, and I'm not, you can go back and try and find this episode. But Chrissy and I one time attended a birthday party where the birthday, the husband of the birthday girl got a limousine, like, but, you know, one of those big buses that's a limousine that's got the disco ball in it, and, you know, everyone packed in that party bus. Everyone met at a restaurant, and then the party bus came and picked us up and took us to the most, the fanciest strip club in all the land, called the Cheetah.

here in Atlanta. It's expensive. They have a five-star restaurant, whatever that means, a five-star restaurant. Aluvia. Yeah, Aluvia. Volvovia.

I'm sorry, I just don't eat it at strip clubs. It's just a general rule that I have. I don't care how many stars you had. But it's a lovely street. All our old cohorts from the station used to eat there. Oh, yeah. The IT guy used to go there every afternoon for lunch. He'd always invite,

I told that story, too. He's always inviting. Yes. But so we go there, and there's one gentleman that we had never met in our entire life. A bunch of people we didn't meet, but we didn't know. But one gentleman, he had a British accent, and he was friends of a friend, and he came, and he's the most lovely human being. But the longer the night went on, the more twisted everybody got, because there was lots of narcotics running around. Mostly Colombian marching powder, but I think there was some ecstasy involved, too.

I didn't take it, but I think he did. Yeah, he think he did for sure. And by the end of the night, he was following me around like a puppy dog, saying, things like, you're amazing. The way you walk through a room. Women want to be with you, men want to be you. It's amazing, Brian. You don't realize the power you have. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I got power because I got a bunch of $1 bills in my pocket because that's nothing to do with me. I also happen to have the bag of cocaine that everyone's following me around with. So they literally took the doors off the bathroom stalls at the Cheetah

because Brian was in there. Oh, Brian's here. Got Brian Walk through the door. Take the doors off the stall. So this guy was walking around a whole night like a puppy dog telling me how wonderful I was.

He was like a fluffer. He was just running around fluffing me up the attack time. But he was so nice. The guy was lovely. Everyone fell in love with him because he was so nice. And it was genuine.

He was just way fucked up. Really funny. The next day when we were thinking about it. Oh my God, we were cracking up. It's like a beam of light comes from the sky.

and follows you around. Literally, the universe is your spotlight, Brian, the universe. You have the power of a star right in your penis. It's all about the universe.

There's a light coming from your penis. Women can see it. The men want to be it. I don't know. It's amazing. Anytime someone's that nice in a British accent, you can't help but be falling in love.

Yeah, you got to love them too. So follow up on this guy. So I kind of keep up with them on Facebook. But, you know, I don't really know the guy all that well. We spent one night with him. One night with him. And everybody became Facebook friends because Facebook was a thing back then 12 years ago or whatever. And I just noticed maybe a month or two or three ago, I noticed he started, pictures of his started popping up.

You know, the algorithm all of a sudden decided to tell me how miserable my life was and how wonderful his life was. Right. Well, that's the point of social media. Right. So he's got a new girlfriend. And I don't know what they're doing. They're in the Hamptons at some party, like connecting with their ancestors. Doing ketamine. Yeah, through woodwork and ketamine.

I don't know. Through mud clay sculpting and ketamine. I'm picturing drum circles underneath this moon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mohawks with feathers. Oh, yes, yes. Mohawks with feathers, shirts off, kilts everywhere.

Most people are just naked. It's a whole scene going on there. And I just have like, oh, wow, that looks amazing. But he is with. the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your entire life. I mean, this goes right out of a magazine. And she's young, too. And he's young also, but she's young.

And I'm like, wow, amaze balls. Like, apparently I... He took a page out of your book. That's right. He had light coming from his penis, and he attracted this star of a human being into his life. And I thought, good for him. Like, wow, what a...

You know, he was kind of this, like, puppy dog-like character that ran around, just fluffing everybody up. And now he's his own man, and he's doing his own thing. He's got a beautiful, what I think is girlfriend, because they're in multiple pictures and, you know, in various states of PDA or whatever.

Yeah, and undress is for sure. But then a couple of days afterwards, I noticed that he's also got pictures of him making out with guys on his Facebook. So I'm like, oh, well, that explains a lot. Everything's fluid. Everything's fluid. And that's awesome.

I think it's lovely. Yes. I just am happy that the guy is happy. And he seems to be like a little bit of a power. player in this little group he's got going on, you know, they're all hanging out as a Hampton. A power player in this, you know, party in the woods group we got. But they're unlike the party in the woods that's, you know, on somebody's old car lot here in Atlanta that turned it into a trash station. The dump, the dump, the dump, the dump, the dump, dump, dump.

They're actually in the Hamptons at a multi-million dollar piece of property where their doctors are showing up and just feeding them narcotics and IVing them every morning to get them rehydrated. You know what I'm saying? All right. So, and I thought to myself, wow, good, good for them. But then in a flashback conversation I was just having, I realized I kind of put two and two together about something. The friend that we got connected through originally, us and this guy, this British fluffer dude, we'll call him the British fluffer. Us and this British fluffer, the friend, my good friend that we got connected to, about a year into the pandemic, he calls me up and he's like, this is awful, man. I know it's terrible.

we have to get together the brother energy and anytime he says that I always get a little nervous but I'm like oh okay the brother energy we got to howl at the moon we got to grab our groins we got to touch our loins we got to connect with cocks

you know cocks with cox we got to be brothers we got to be men we got to be fathers we got to be responsible for those around us blah blah blah in the most non-sovinistic kind of way

the most loving kind of way he's saying this in these men retreats that he would put together we're awesome and wonderful and all this. But he starts convincing me that I'm going to go to this. But Astrid is pregnant at the time, and I'm kind of on the fence about it. And then I finally decide, okay, I'm going to do this.

It's two days. We'll test. You know, it's middle of the pandemic. I'm like, we'll test and we'll figure it out. It'll be fine. Yeah. But as further information comes out about this gathering, what I realize is that he starts talking about it.

My friend's sex to me. And he's like, don't worry, man, this is going to be awesome. You know, where else can you, can brother, touch brothers with without fear of repercussion. And I'm like, I don't know. Soho. Midtown Atlanta. I think there's

lots of places where brothers can touch brothers without fear of repercussions. 2003, dude. But, you know, he's like, I just want to give a hug, like a good bear hug to my brothers without a shirt. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Me too. But you're

saying it kind of creepy, dude. You've got to back off that a little bit. You're trying to convince me to come or not come? I'm not sure. And then he says, our British fluffer friend is going to be there. And I was like, oh, okay. I can't make it.

I'm all tied up. Is his girlfriend going to be there? No? Okay. They didn't end up having the retreat in the way in which they intended. It was just a couple guys that got together and went down to Panama City for the weekend. Pretty sure it was just a lot of booze and cooking.

But actually, I went to that, so I know. It was just a lot of booze, actually. A lot of children of booze. But it ended up being a much smaller event than he had planned. But it looked lovely. I mean, all those things. But I just can't stop thinking about this guy running around behind me in the Cheetah, talking about how girls want to be with you, men want to be you.

It's amazing. You're amazing. You're incredible, Brian Green. Brian Green. Even your name is. stoic and majestic. It's like you're a cock rising from the loins. I wish him nothing but love.

I think he's awesome. Yes, he made an impression on us for sure. You know, nothing like getting together with a little gathering to celebrate life and positivity. I agree with it. I'm down with it, 100%. You know, we make fun of a lot of that spiritual bullshit here on the commercial break. Well, it's an easy target. It's an easy target.

But it's also true. We love it. That's right. The only reason I can make fun of it is because I understand it. I've been there. And I'm able to cut the shaft from the way because I've been there. I know when someone's singing me a fucking song and dance. And I know when someone's trying to actually genuinely connect with themselves or with others around them. And it just seems like YouTube is not the place where you go to do that. Just share it. I don't know. But I just, I sense that that that's not the other kind of gathering where you go to celebrate life. And it's not because of all the wonderful reasons you thought. It's because someone passed away. Oh, no. And unfortunately, our good dear friend, my mom's longtime boyfriend, Irvin, passed away. Oh, no, I didn't know this. It's Arvin. Poor guy.

Was it Irvin or Irving? It's Irving. Okay. But no one says the G, so it's Irvin. Irvin. Swerven Irvin. Swerven Irvin. He's not a basketball player.

He's not Irvin Johnson. He's Irving Johnson. Irving. But Irving was a wonderful old. old man. He just was... I never met him. He was generous to a fault. He gave me the fencer thing, didn't he did. He gave me the... Yeah, the piece of art. Is it called fencer? Is it called fencer? Is it the artist? Oh, yeah, I think you're right. Um, yeah, he was an artist. He loved artists. He loved artists. He got a chance to listen to the commercial break one time, said he didn't understand it, but good for me. Not for everyone. And he really loved my mom, and my mom really loved him. But when it came to his funeral, there was, it was, it was, it was, a comedy of unfortunate airs. So let me share, because that's, of course, what I think Irving would have wanted. Having not understood the commercial break one bit and only listened to three minutes of one

episode, I think he would have wanted this. Yes. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her, or me or Chrissy, at 212-4333-3-T-CB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too. Mm-hmm. Just call and say something. Anything. Or text us and we'll text you're right back. Promise. Then head over to TCB Podcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. And watch all

the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid. Irving passed away on Tuesday. And by the way, he had been sick for a long time. So this was coming. This was, you know, this is one of those cases where you say, well, thank God he's not suffering anymore. Yes. And he was an older gentleman. He was 90. So he wasn't a spring chicken. It wasn't unexpected. But it was sad nonetheless. So, you know, my mom calls me on Tuesday, I think it is. Hi, Brian. Hi, Mom.

You remember Irving? No, Mom, I don't know Irving. Of course I know Irving. He's from New York. Okay, Mom, I get where he's from. And she goes just to tell me where someone's from. And so I go, oh, I knew what the call was about the second she called and asked, you know, if I had, remember Irving. Remember Irving?

What's all we've been talking about for three years? So I say, yeah, Mom. Well, he died last night in his sleep. Oh, Mom. I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? Yeah, I am. I'm just here watching some QVC. I'm like, okay. That's nothing like healing your wounds with QVC. Listen, honey, can you come to the funeral? I guess, you know? I don't know if I'm like fit in the funeral category. I might fit in the send a text message to family members and let them know that I'm sorry for their loss.

But I don't know that I'm like funeral material, right? And what I mean by that is when I have a funeral, when I'm dead, when I'm long and gone, Don't have a funeral. Just have a big fucking party. Creamate me have a party. Throw my ashes in, you know, chop up my ashes and snort them. And a party bus. In a party bus on the way to the Cheetah. That's right. I don't want any sadness.

Don't get all a gloom and doom. It happens to everybody. But Irving is Jewish and they don't, cremation is not a thing. So he's going to be buried in this very large cemetery here in Atlanta. A very famous, very large cemetery here in Atlanta. But I don't know that I'm qualified as this. circle of people who you would show up to a funeral. When I have a funeral, please don't let it be like my last bachelor party where literally strangers got invited because they needed to fill seats at the

table. That's how boring I have become. But I just didn't think that I needed to show up to the funeral. But after some prodding and my twin brother, Kevin, we decided, okay, let's go to the funeral. It's the least we could do for my mom. For your mom, yes. my mom. We knew Irving. We didn't know him that well because we, you know, we only spent a little bit of time with him. So, Friday afternoon, Friday morning, I get up, by the way, it's a hundred and- This was your thing to do on Friday. Got it. Okay. It's 112 degrees outside here in Atlanta. Like it is everywhere else. The world is literally boiling, and Atlanta was always boiling in the first place. Now it's just extra boiling. But it's 112 degrees by 10 a.

and I decide I'm going to wear a short-sleeve shirt and a pair of slacks with casual dress shoes, right? Because it's just too hot to wear a suit. And, you know, as much as I love the fact that Irving loved my mom, I don't know that wearing a black suit to this particular funeral is the thing that I need to do. I'm showing up. So let me wear something where I'm at least not going to be dying of a heat stroke in the middle of this cemetery. So we get to the cemetery. There is absolutely no one standing anywhere to tell us where to go. And the cemetery is like three and a half miles deep.

So Kevin finds this space. He drops a pin. I say, okay, but I'm going to be there in like 15 minutes. My mom tells us to be there at 11 a.m. or 10.30 a.m. a. for a 10.m. for a 10.30 service. Well, I know what that means is that my mom wants me to talk to all of the friends that she's got there. They keep them company for the 30 minutes while before the service starts. I'm not playing that game.

Homey doesn't play that game. I'll be there at 10.15. So I show up at 1015. I follow the pin to where Kevin is, and it is a scene right out of a movie. There is a large green tent sitting over some chairs, 12 chairs. And Kevin, it's 1015. The service starts at 1030. Kevin is the only person that is sitting there besides the canter, the Jewish canter, and two of the guys that I can only assume had dug the hole where Irving was going to be buried. Oh, no. Irving is sitting over the hole with the machine that the two straps that lower you down into the ground, right? The lower er, whatever you call it. He's sitting there in like a pinewood box. The lower er. What is that thing? I don't know.

I don't know. A grave elevator. It's a casket. It's a casket escalator. Yeah. So the casket escalator is sitting there. And it's a little bit in front of the. green tent.

I've been to a funeral before like that. When you put a dark green tent under the sun when it's 112 degrees, do you know what you're really doing? You're attracting more fucking heat is what you're really doing. So now the green tent

underneath the green tent is an absolute sauna at 10, 15 in the morning. Kevin is wearing a full three-piece suit and he is drenched. I mean, he's just like the water's pouring out of his forehead. And I'm like, so I parked the car, I walk up, it's like, let's call it maybe 50 feet, 30 to 50 feet, this grave site is 30 to 50 feet off the road. So I park on the road.

I walk the 30 to 50 feet under the tent. I'm like, hey, bud, what's going on? Kevin's got flowers in his hand, right? And he's like, I don't know, I'm just waiting here. The canter comes up and says, oh, you must be Vicky's son. And I'm like, well, now, if the canter who's about to hold this service already knows by name, the people who are. going to attend. I don't think it's going to be a well-attended event. Chrissy, I shit you not. Irving, Irving's son, my mom, Kevin. That's it. Wow. It is literally three of us that are not related

to Irving that are there. The can't, so, okay, it's not 1015, now it's 1030, right? And I'm certain no one's going to show up now. I look at Kevin. I'm like, dude, are we going to be the only ones here? And he's like, I don't know, bro. I guess so. Yeah. So the canter can over. Where did your mom come with? The son. Oh, with the sun. But I'll get to that in a second. Okay.

Okay. So the Cantor's standing there. She's also melting in all various forms and fashion. Her makeup is literally running off of her face. And she can overhear us talking about whether or not she's going to come. She goes, oh, well, I just think there's going to be a few of us here. And don't worry. This won't take long.

10 or 15 minutes. We're going to say a couple of Hebrew prayers. I'm going to sing a Hebrew song, and then we'll be done. Right. It won't take long. they have two speakers and a microphone set up two speakers and a microphone who the fuck are we talking to i can hear you just fine there's only two of us here she's right there in front of us but there is a microphone and two speakers no fans but

but maybe i could replace the speakers with fans that would be great so now i'm sweating so now everybody's sweating i got butt sweat i got ball sweat i got arm sweat i got everywhere it's ever i'm wearing gray slacks they are now dark gray slacks because they are wet everywhere except for my knees, right? I mean, literally it looks like I pissed myself. And I'm like, holy fuck, 1030, 1040, 1045. I'm like, geez, where is mom and Irving's son? So the cantered steps in and she goes,

listen, I heard from them a little while ago. They're just running a little bit late. The limousine that picked them up is running late. And I'm like, the limousine, my mom can't walk without a walker. How did she get into a limousine? Yeah. But I'm thinking, oh, when she says limousine, she must mean like an Uber black, right? Something my mom could step up into or, you know, sit down in or whatever.

No. Chrissy. 1050, 1055, 11, 11.105 roll around. Now we have been there for an hour. And I am not kidding you. They had covers on the seats. The covers are now sound like wet towels when you sit down on them. They have little things of Kleenex that they put on the seats.

And I've gone through two of them up to these things, these bags of Kleenex already, just wiping my forehead. So the Cantor then says, oh, the phone rings. Cantor picks it up. And then she says, oh, they're here. They'll be here. They're running in the front. They're coming in the front door right now. And I'm thinking to myself, thank God, let's get this fucking thing over.

I mean, God bless, or Irving, you know, he must be hot. Even Irving's feeling the heat. I bet he was. Poor Irving. I thought to myself, poor Irving. He's in that box just dying. But he was already dead. So out of nowhere, you could see rolling down the hill, weaving his way through this thing,

is a stretched limo, a Lincoln stretch limo from 1992 with the V-shaped antenna on the back of it and everything. The TV? That was the TV antenna. Remember we were just talking about this on the show. My mom and Irving's son literally got picked up in a street. stretch limousine. So the stretch... It's part of a package. That's what they said.

They said that Irving's first wife had planned the funeral and this was according to her wishes. Apparently she ordered the limousine when they were married in 1990 and that's exactly what picks up. The 1990 limousine. I'm not even kidding you. Oh my God. She's already like prepaid for it or? I don't know. I thought to myself, what?

His first wife. He's had three. His first wife played his funeral. She hated him. He hated him. So I'm like, poor Irving, he's been tortured by the, this woman for his entire life. So limo. She played his funeral.

So limo shows up. We're all like, what? Limmo pulls up. Limo driver gets out. Little old lady, little old lady. I mean, the lady bought the limousine back in 1990. She's still driving it to this day. Oh, she was the chauffeur? She was a chauffeur. She must have been 90 years old. I mean, she must have been. And she was the cutest old lady. But she like jumps out. She's like, so sorry, so sorry, we're late. And I'm like, oh, no, no, it's okay. He's not going anywhere. He doesn't care. Yeah. Brian with the jokes. I'm doing an episode of the commercial break now. I've lost my ever-loving mind. opens the door and my mom is literally stuck in the past team.

We can't get her out. Poor thing. My Papa Joe, he can't get it in and out of course either with the knees. How did he crawl? I was like, how did they, what did they literally just push her ass in there? Yeah, shoved her onto the floor. Just, I just heard this noise like, like they're just squeezing her in.

So now there's, now you've got the two maintenance guys who have just dug the whole. for Irving. The canter, me and Kevin, and the limo driver all trying to yank my mom. Oh my God. The entire limousine is rocking back and forth. And we're like, okay, heave, oh, he, oh. So we get my mom out.

She's on her walker and she can't there's, she's still got another 50 feet to travel on a slope of grass downhill. So I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, way, way, way, way, way, way. You saw this where this is going. Yeah, we don't need her rolling into the grave. Like, we don't need her falling and then just rolling into the grave. Let's think about this for a second.

Can we get her a chair in an umbrella out here? But there's a golf cart sitting there. There's a person from the cemetery is sitting in a golf cart. So I'm like, quick thinking, I'm like, should we just use the golf cart? Like, and mom, can you get on the golf cart? And then let's just pull the golf cart closer to the thing. Right. So that's what happens.

So then it's a whole other feat of miracles to get my mom onto this golf cart. and the lady drives her ever so slow down toward this green tent. It's on a slope pointing toward Irving, right? From the limousine down toward Irving. Okay. So the lady starts driving the golf cart very slowly up over the curb. You know, bump, bump. My mom almost falls out, of course.

And then she's driving it slowly toward the green tent. The lady does not apply the brakes and the thing just rolls right into the tent. into the chairs? No. I'm not even kidding you. The tent's moving with the golf cart. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And the lady doesn't know she's not putting that foot on the brake.

So the thing's just rolling downhill, taking the chairs with it. Oh, my God. So finally we're like, let's just move the chairs out of the way. We'll just put the golf cart under the tent. So now you've got a tent with two loud speakers, a canter that's standing in the sun, me and Kevin move all the chairs out of the way except for three for Irving's son me and Kevin and then mom is sitting behind us in a golf cart under the tent crying by the way oh no oh my god so i'm already like oh god please let this go quickly for the sake of all involved let's just get this

done with so i so Kevin and I are like okay I think we should just get started canter does the whole nine yards, right? She, but this does not last 10 to 15 minutes. This goes on for fucking ever. I felt like that. We are, no,

it doesn't feel like it. It's true. We are 45 minutes in and she's like, Ahakday, Akabaraku, Aknaqtahti. And I'm like, she's have a lovely voice,

by the way. And I do like those, for some reason, I do like those, like when they sing in Hebrew, something about that really, I don't know, it's interesting to me.

It doesn't touch me necessarily, not at a funeral. But, there's something there, right? So the canter is doing the whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the canter goes, you know, unfortunately, not everybody could make it today, but we've had a few people email in. And I'm thinking to myself, is this really an episode of the commercial break?

Now people are emailing in. And then she reads the emails? She read the emails. And then Irving's son gets up. Poor guy. It's obvious he had never been on a microphone before. Never. And he's only in front. He's just talking to Kevin and I, that's it. That's all he's talking to. Kevin and I. My mom and him came together. They know each other well, right? And I know this guy. I've seen him a couple times. We've met. We're friendly. I just hope that when I die, my kids have something additional to say. Because poor Irving's son, this is what he said. Some people remember my father as a nice guy, but he was a businessman and he was a

really, really tough business guy. When I was young, he rented an additional apartment in our building for his art projects and he would often spend nights there thinking to myself. He's just telling us

that Irving spent no time with him. But then the third thing he says, which is so strange, he's like, a lot of people didn't know my father's artsy side. He one time took me to see movie in the West Side Village, he took us to see a movie about insects that got brains and ruled the world and killed all the humans.

That ended up winning an Oscar. So there's that. All of us are like, wait, hold on, not the right one. All of us are like, yeah, I can imagine. So listen. So his son kind of works his way through the little bit of eulogy. Then he also reads two emails, one of which is like two sentences long. Sorry, I couldn't be there.

Who are you telling? It's like, dear Irving, sorry I couldn't be there. Dear Irving? Dear Irving? Irving can't hear you. Was it like an automated response? Do you think he made like an email that was? Like an out of office, but out of universe?

I'm sorry. I can't be there. out of breath instead of out of office, out of breath, out of heartbeats, won't be back for a while. So,

okay, so we get done with that part and then the canter says something that's just lovely. I just thought it was lovely what she said. She said, and now we do one last thing

for a mench. We do one last favor for a mench that he can never repay. We help him with his transition to the next phase. from ashes to ashes dust to dust.

I now invite Irving's son to come put some dirt in the grave. Yes, I've seen that done. But before that, she gives us cue to the two people who are waiting to lower the two maintenance guys. Say maintenance guys, facility guys. Yeah. That are waiting to lower Irving into the grave. From the escalator, the coffin escalator. The coffin escalator.

The casket escalator. So now I want you to imagine you've never seen a coffin escalator. and I know you have. It's been in movies and stuff. The coffin is sitting over the open grave. There is a pile of dirt next to it on a piece of wood. And then there are straps underneath the casket. You then press a button and those straps lower, supposedly evenly, down into the grave. You already know what's coming.

Supposedly. But that's how it worked out with Irving. He presses the button. he goes over. One guy stands on one side. One guy stands on another. I don't see any motor attached to this thing, but I'm like, okay, I guess it just works like that.

He presses a button and pulls a little lever, and the thing starts slowly going down. But what's happening is that one side is moving a little quicker than the other. And Arving, even before he goes down into the ground, the casket is turning over. And I'm like, oh, no, no, I can't. see this. I don't want to see this. Please don't let that happen. Please don't let this happen. It's going to be really funny. The cat's got open? No, no, no, no, no. It didn't, but it was getting to the point

where it was about to. Because it was almost, it was sitting at like a 45-degree angle. And finally, the facility guy stopped it and he's trying to make it work. I don't know how, but they managed to get him down into the grave. But then they have to take the straps out, and they can't get the straps out. So for 15 minutes, 15 minutes, they are literally shimmying and shaking this casket trying to get these straps

out from under it, to the point where one of the guys had to go into the grave. Oh, no. He was leaning. One guy was holding his feet, and he was out in the grave hanging by his feet, and the guy was trying to get the strap out. It was

awful, awful. This is out of a movie. And you could hear the cancer going, oh, dear God. And my mom, ah! I look at Kevin and I'm like, what's going on? And he's like, I don't know. Maybe all are sweaty. Oh, we're just dying.

Yeah, at this point, I just gave up. I'm like, I don't even want to go into my own car. I don't need air conditioning. I just need to get to a shower. So eventually they do manage to get the straps off. And, you know, the thing is that the facilities guys, this is probably not their first rodeo with something happening wrong. Right.

So they are very quiet and they're not talking to each other, sharing what's going on. They're just being quiet, you know? You can hear them occasionally whisper to each other, like, you know, grab my legs, I'm going in. But they get the straps out. They pull these straps up. And then, so then the canter goes,

okay now I'd like to invite Irving's son does throw some dirt on the crate Irving's son goes over and he just I think maybe it was one of the first times he'd used the shovel right but he and you know there's people like that

like I'm not exactly you know Tim the tool man Taylor either so so he goes and he starts you know digging some of this dry dirt and he finally gets some and pours a scoop over and then he digs in again and he pours another scoop on then a third time

and he pours another scoop. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, three's the charm, third time's the charm. He's just going to fill the grave up. But Chrissy, he keeps going. He keeps going. By the time he gets to like the 10th or 11th scoop,

the canter walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder. And she's like, that's good, that's good. And he's like, okay, okay. And he walks over with the shovel and he hands it to Kevin. And he's like, and I'm like, I'm not even supposed to be at the funeral. Now you want me to throw mud on his craskin? No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no. It's your turn now. Oh! I don't want to do that. So he hands it to Kevin, and Kevin looks at me, and I'm like, I don't know, I guess. Kevin goes. Now, Kevin doesn't know how many scoops to throw, because Irving's son put in 30.

How many are we supposed to do? Does he expect us to fill it up together? Are we taking turns? So we throw a couple, Kevin throws three, appropriately three scoops in that. And I'm thinking to myself, three's the trick. That's the charm. One is kind of dismissive. You're like, ah, fuck you.

Here's a, here's a scoop. Two is like a half-ass job. You're like, ah, you know, I guess I'll dump a little extra. It's like a super size me. Okay, here's a little extra. But if you do three, you've paid attention to the chore. The task at hand has been completed appropriately. Right?

So I go and I two, three. But on the third one, I get a rock on the shovel. But now I don't want to be fooling with mud while I'm sweating, dredged in sweat. That's some poor guy's funeral. So I throw the third one on there, and all you hear is... And I'm like, oh, fuck! He said the rock. It went right through the casket.

It didn't, what I'm just saying. It made the biggest thud. Yeah, it was dinting nothing. This was like a plywood casket. I don't know. I mean, hey, listen, I agree. Why spend $50,000 on a fucking casket? Yeah, I mean, you're going to get eaten by worms anyway.

Just let it happen. The quicker, the better, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. So, okay, so I get done with my three. The lovely canter wraps it up with another 15 minutes of singing in prayer. And then she goes, that concludes the official service. And I'm thinking, please don't let there be an unofficial part of this service. The after party.

That concludes this part of the service. Kevin goes to Irving's son, hey, I got these flowers. You mind if I put them in there with your dad? And he goes, no, don't do that. He takes the flowers from Kevin and he puts it up against the gravestone. He's like, no. Don't do that. And then the canter's like, while he's back over there around the grave site,

the canter goes, well, thank you everybody for coming. And Irving's son starts shoveling again. know he thought he just had to be the one to do it. I don't know. Or maybe he's just like, fuck you, dad. Like, here's some more, like, I'm going to put you in the grave. I don't know. Or maybe he just felt like I, like he just wanted an extra moment with his dad. Yeah. Like, you know, these things are highly personal and you never know. And I'm not saying Irving was a bad dad. I don't, please don't misunderstand me. I'm telling a story for the commercial break. But, you know, it was, it was lovely in its own very personal way.

But it was funny as an outsider coming in to see this weird, service that just happened, and then the poor son is just sitting there filling his dad's gravesite in. I'm thinking to myself, you know, there's two guys right here that are about to do that with an actual truck. Like, they're going to do that for you. It's part of the price. It's part of the baggage. I almost felt like saying, do you want some help? I bet we get this to get this done quickly if we just do it together. So did your mom ride back in the limo? My mom rode back in the limo and you, Chrissy. Oh my God. As soon as now we've been there for an hour and a half. We're supposed to have been there for 15. My mom even told me this. It's not,

you're only going to be there for 15 minutes, honey. Just come, stop by and say hello. Say hello to who. What am I saying hello to? You? I mean, I get it, but, you know, I've been there for an hour and a half. It's been way longer than anybody expected we were going to be there, right? An hour and a half, actually, I think it was more closer to two hours. We were there for a long time. And then we have to get my mom back in. And I know, for a fact, this is going to be another half hour project. We got to get my mom in. Well, you should have seen this limo driver. This limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back.

And my mom is no small woman. Literally tried to shove my mom in by putting her on her back and throwing her in. I did you guys take her mom? Well, here's a problem. She can't get into our cars. Oh, she can't get into. No, she needs it. Like, there's only a couple cars that she can get into because of her mobility issues, right?

And so it was, but I didn't think the limo was any better. I would have rather her try and step up into my business. big truck and try and get down into the limo. But at that point, the limo's paid for, and Irving's son wants to go hang out. The after party, I guess. I don't know. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. But this is... You're a good son. I am a good son. And I'd like to make that known throughout the land, throughout the podcast universe. I just have to let you know. Please, Either let my funeral be a complete party of epic proportions or let it be an absolute shit show like this. So at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show.

Absolutely. And don't wait around for me. Find somebody else to do the commercial break with. There's plenty of good suitors. Probably anybody would be better than me. But I have to tell you that I was so just not only that I think it was funny, not only it was like dumbfounded by the whole thing, but then I was a little bit mortified at everything that just went down.

It was hard to process actually leaving. I've been to a lot of funerals, not a lot, but I've been to, you know, we've all been to funerals. You get to a certain age, and that's all you start doing is going to funerals. There's no more weddings. It's all funerals now. But you go there and you expect, there's just a certain expectation of, like, how it's all going to go down. The part that I felt the most bad about was, and I realized, by the way, Irving was not, is not native to Atlanta. He's buried here because his first wife is here.

She bought the package. Well, I noticed that he was being buried next to her. Wow. So they were in a dual grave site together, right? And I just felt so awful for my mom. Also, the canter, like, the only thing she talked about was the lovely relationship that him and his first wife had. And my mom's in the back sitting there, and I'm like, hey, guys, come on. But I do have to tell you, like, just burn me to a crisp and then have a party.

literally drink my ashes. That is what I'll do. That's what I want you to do. Because... I want the same. Yeah. Why are we... Why are we going through all of this? And I understand it's like traditions. And he was a little bit of an older gentleman. And I do understand why a lot of people that couldn't show

because they're in New York or other places that he's lived. Yeah. And it's not exactly... Dear Irving, sorry I can't make it. Yeah, dear Irving, sorry I can't make it. They were literally RSVPing to his funeral. But what was amazing to me about all of this is learning that his first wife, 28 years ago, planned this for him.

Yeah, that's odd. It got executed to the tea. Every wish and desire that she had got incorporated into this service, including almost tipping over the casket. I kid, I kid, of course. Yeah, she might have paid for that, too. She added that. She amended the package after they got divorced.

That's an extra, that's an extra $20. It's an extra $20 to have the casket escalator break while you're lowering your loved one down in there. Actually, you know what? That's how I want to go. Burn me to a crisp and have me in a little, you know, what do you call this? Earn. But what I would like is pretend as if I was actually put in a casket, have a crappy, crickety old plywood box made,

and then someone push it over halfway through the service and have like a doll of Frankie B. roll out or a sex doll. Have a sex doll rollout. This is how Brian would have wanted to be remembered. Yes. Like a sex doll. I will do it. Oh, God. Brian. Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. He's amazing. And if you don't invite the British Fluffer to my funeral, you fail. That's all I got is in New York. I don't know if he can make him. I want him to give the eulogy. Have him give the eulogy. All right. Go You want to write my eulogy? TCBpodcast.com.

I dare you. I invite it, actually. I want you to go to TCBpodcast.com, all the audio, all the video, right there from one location. Hit the contact us button, send us a message. Write me a eulogy. Actually, I'll read it on air. I think that'd be funny. Also, if you'd like your What Would Frankie Do sticker, those are our brand new stickers,

series three just came out. We have them available now. Send us your physical address, and every week or so we drop some in the mail. so if you want to be a part of that next round, send in your physical address. They're just off in creation right now. Yes, they're being created. They're often creation. I sent them off for creation.

At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Do us a favor. Please go subscribe to the YouTube channel. I'm trying to get to 5,000 before the end of the year. But I'm going to need at least, I'm going to lead most of you to do it twice if we're going to get to 5,000. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so.

But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. And I'll say best to you. And best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, dearly departed that we meet. We always say we do say and we must say. Goodbye.