The Commercial Break - TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook

Episode Date: October 1, 2024

Episode #609: Kelsey Cook joins Bryan & Krissy to talk about her come up in the industry, getting horny for airports, and foosball hustling. Kelsey Cook Vasectomies Hot jizzin’ dude Kelsey’s comedy journey College cafeteria comedy The Seattle scene Suckling off the teat of power Being a foosball hustler Horny for an airport Getting sober Our good friend Kelsey Cook! We are NOT going to be at Dania Beach Special Guest: Kelsey Cook Watch Kelsey’s Special “The Hustler”  Kelsey’s Podcast “Pretend Problems” Follow Kelsey on Instagram Kelsey on Tour Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem? For free assistance, call the Connects Ontario Helpline at 1-866-531-2600. Bet MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. High school I went to, our mascot was the Blackhawks. And it takes a linguistic specialist to

tell the difference between somebody saying Blackhawks and Black C**ks. And let me tell you it was pretty wild growing up going to football games and watching a dozen cheerleaders shout to a stand of parents. We love Blackhawks, yes we do, we love Blackhawks, how about you? On this episode of The Commercial Break. So I'm going up in like a full costume trying to do this funny like, like perform a eulogy of myself as this whole weird thing and like I'm just getting crickets. I mean, 50 people staring at me, I have no idea what I'm saying.

But that's how much I loved it. It was like so obvious that I, like, figured out what I wanted to do, because I just, it was making me so happy, so. You wanted to do magic so bad. I was like, this is my calling. This is my calling. I'm going to be a magician. Pulling a rabbit out of a hat, cool in any language.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, boy. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How are you? Thanks for joining us on a TCB Infomercial Tuesday. The good friend Kelsey Cook. Kelsey Cook. It's like no syllable is wasted in that name. Kelsey Cook. Yes.

But did you know that Kelsey Cook is also a yo-yo and a foosball champion, as well as being a very talented comedian. That's incredible, I can't wait. I know. I can't wait to talk to her about that. It really is quite crazy that I, I'm gonna ask her about this,

but the fact that there's even a professional foosball lead, is it foosball or foosball? I say foosball, but I don't know. Foosball. Foosball. But I get a lot of things wrong around here, so just don't listen to me. KelseyCook.com, you can catch tickets to her latest tour. She's on a forever tour. She'll be in a town near you. She's going to be at Dania Point. Yes, Dania Beach Improv. Yes, she is. Actually. She's there like the day after Thanksgiving and that's Saturday, Friday. I just wanna look at this, cause I wanna say how-

It's always a good party weekend. She calls it, they call it here, the Dania Improv. That's all they say, not Dania Beach Improv, but the Dania Improv at Dania Beach. So maybe there is no Dania Point, and Brian just made that up in his head. A long time ago. The Point.

Yeah, The Point, I don't know, I think of a beach, I think of it. There's a point. And what point is that? I don't know. Some point out in the water. Like they build a bridge, you know, whatever they call that, a boardwalk. And then you say, that's, meet me at the point.

I don't know. Oh, anyway, Kelsey is a very talented comedian. She has a podcast, of course, with her lovely boyfriend. She's one of these that's got a boyfriend that's also a comedian. Yeah, I think that makes things work. Because the other one kind of understands then what they're doing.

When you are on the road that much, when you're out there and you're on the road and you're doing 150 nights a year, that's a really tough way to live. And I don't, I've, Astrid and I did a long distance relationship for the first six months of our lives, eight months of our relationship or whatever. It was extremely difficult, but we would get like two or three weeks with each other every other month or every third month. So when you're just like, Hey honey, how you doing? Throw a load of laundry in and then you're off to the next place. That's got to be really difficult. And so, I would imagine

having a boyfriend that does it also is probably just a little bit easier because at least they understand what you're going through. Maybe Astrid would like me out on the road 150 nights a year. Christy and I were talking about something the other day and she goes, do you want to do standup comedy? And I said, listen, if I was going to do standup comedy, this is not the time in my life to do standup comedy. I can't be away from the house 150 nights a year. Astrid would fucking kill me. She hates it when I'm in the studio for an hour

after the kids go to bed. I think she's going to deal with me, like taking a flight every five minutes to go. No, second of all, I probably wouldn't be all that good. I'm just not that funny. But Kelsey is, again, a very talented comedian. She's got- She is very funny. She is very funny. I checked out her new special.

Yeah, I did too. Oh, you did? What'd you think? I loved it. Yeah, it was good. What is the name of that new special? Hold on one second. The Hustler. The Hustler is what it's called. She's got a special called The Hustler. It's out there on YouTube, 800 Pound Gorilla, which so many of the comedians that come on this show have specials on 800. Good for 800 Pound Gorilla, like the new Comedy Central of the digital age.

KelseyCook.com, you can find tickets to her tour, link to her special, and of course links to the podcast. And we're just so tickled to have her here today. She is, well, at least, I think she's a Midwestern girl now. Is she a Midwestern girl now? I think so. Doesn't they live like somewhere? I don't know. I think they live in Minneapolis now. We'll figure it out. We'll ask her all that information. So Chrissy, now it's time for

you know what the time is for. Yes. The awkward transition phase where Brian doesn't know what to do with himself, so he just pretends like he knows what he's doing with himself. Let's take a break. I am asking you a question. Should we take a break? And then when we get back, we'll invite Kelsey to come on and she will be here through the magic of tele-podcasting. I think that we should do it, Brian. I think I should trademark that word tele-podcasting because I think I'm the only one who's ever said it and probably no one knows what it means. It makes sense to me. It does, but she's actually not on the telephone. So why I'm saying

tele-podcasting. It's like telehealth. Telehealth. Yeah, telehealth. All right, so let's do that. Let's take a break. We'll get Kelsey on the line and we'll be back after this. My darlings, my angels, my sweet little cherubs, it's that time again where I try to convince you to follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. We really don't post that much so it's no skin off your nose. If you'd like to get in touch with us directly, you can text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. You know we are just sitting by the phone

waiting with bated breath for you to call. So please leave us an Ask TCB and we'll give you some mildly concerning advice. Peace and blessings. Kick off an exciting football season with Bet MGM, an official sports book partner of the National Football League. Yard after yard, down after down,

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and to embrace peak sports action. Ready for another season of gridiron glory? What are you waiting for? Get off the bench, into the huddle, and head for the end zone all season long. BetMGM.com for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older. Ontario only. Please gamble responsibly.

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for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. Kelsey's here with us now. Thank you very much for joining us. We appreciate it. Hi, Kelsey. Hi, guys. Thank you for having me. You're welcome.

I was watching your Instagram this morning and you had a lot of questions about vasectomies. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's truly true. I just wanted to let you know, if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them for you. Oh yeah, that's right. You know some. I just wanted to let you know, if you have any questions, I'm happy to answer them for you. Oh my god, okay.

Yeah, how long have you been vasectomied? I've been vasectomized for almost six months. Yeah, that's right. Yes. Jeff, my husband did it too, like a few months before that. Okay. Yeah, I mean, my questions that I had for my boyfriend,

because he's the first person I've ever been with who has had one, you know, I just like, I did not know medically what that would do to the stuff that would be coming out of there. And so I was like, is this like, is this like a dust situation? Is it clear? I was wondering if it's like a white Gatorade sort of situation, you know? And so it's like, I do feel like it's still mostly normal. Is that what your experience has been as well? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Now I haven't tasted my own semen yet, but you know, there's a lot of life left to

live and you get weird as you get older. Yeah, we're going into the weekend. I don't know what you're into. Yeah, exactly. I feel like it's 2020 for anything's a good game. I will say that I know good guys who have had their prostate removed because of prostate cancer, and that is a dust situation. Wow.

Like, there ain't nothing coming out, but you still can of course achieve an orgasm. Sure. But with the vasectomy, I also had these same questions for my doctor too. And I'm like, is it going to change the consistency or the color? And he's like, no, it doesn't change anything. You're just not going to have actual live sperm. Yeah, the swimmers. Swimmers a part of it. What I don't feel like they told me, and maybe you talked to Chad about this, what they didn't, what he didn't tell me, my urologist,

was that a lot of men experience this like phantom pain. It's like you've had something amputated and it can go on for a very long time. Now my own only lasted for like three or four months, but I really was in pain for like a whole long time. So I call my doctor and I'm like, hey dude, you said this was like a painless thing, I'd have a few days, I'd put an ice pack on it.

Well, 43% of men experience phantom pain like an amputee would. And I'm like, like an amputee would? You amputated my nuts, dude. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, so what did it feel like you were, was it just like achy? Is it like sharp? Yeah, kicked in the balls.

Oh my God. It sounds horrible. It wasn't very pleasant. I got to be honest with you, but there is something, there is something different about the quality of the orgasm. Now that I'm, now that I'm all healed and stuff, I will say that it's better. And I don't know why that is. It is. I don't know why that is. Because there's nothing to worry about. Yeah, mentally, you're just a free bird coming, not worrying about anything. I'm just a hot jizz and dude.

It's probably because I don't have to pull out. That might be a good... Yeah, that would probably be a... If you guys don't make merch that says hot jizz and dude, you are seriously missing out on money. I don't. Because that's realistic. Your boyfriend is Chad Daniels. that says hot jizzin dude, you are seriously missing out on money. I do. Your boyfriend is Chad Daniels, also a comedian. Why did he have a vasectomy? You guys have a podcast together too. Yes, we have a podcast together called Pretend Problems. So he had gotten the vasectomy long

before I was in the picture because he had two kids pretty young and then he knew he was done So yeah, he had had a vasectomy for a while and then I ended up getting an IUD Because I just wanted to make my period go away But now we have it's like it's like two goalies on a soccer field with no other players Like there's just like so much defense for no reason It's just a lot going on. Like a Swiss bank vault. So it's like a little unnecessary, but it's fine. He has a really funny joke and he has a new Netflix special

out and so he talks about that like, if I did somehow get pregnant, it would be the creepiest child on the planet. Just like walking through its crib like, hello. So we hope that there is not an accidental pregnancy because I think we would be terrified of that child. If you get pregnant, Chad's got some questions. That's all. That's in his act too.

He's like, when you go get a pregnancy test, why don't you get a paternity test too? Because that's not mine. Yeah. He's like, when you go get a pregnancy test, why don't you get a paternity test too? Be creative. That's not mine. Double it. Yeah. Fair enough. When did you start comedy? What was your journey?

I'm always interested to hear. Yeah, so I started 15 years ago. I started when I was in college and I had started to take a public speaking class because it was just a requirement of the major I was in. And most kids were just trying to get the grade and get the fuck out of there. And I kept taking all of my assignments

and making them comedy skits basically, to the point where I was coming into class in costumes. I probably seemed deeply unwell. I really looked unhinged I think. But I don't know. It hit this thing in me that I had never experienced. I was like, oh my god, I'm loving this so much. This is so fun. And so my professor pulled me aside one day and was like, you kind of remind me of Kristen Wiig. And this is really funny. And I just feel like you should do something with this. You're clearly having a great time and this is great so anyway I ended up going to the like

monthly open mic at my college cafeteria which is truly fucking hellish way to start oh my god because you're just like interrupting people's dinner. Like nobody is really interested. No one gives a shit. No, yeah. Everyone's cynical. Yeah. You're performing to the sound of like clanking silverware. Yeah, it's not.

It wasn't great. So I feel like fish got started the same way or something. Oh my God, that, that checks out. That's true. Yeah, that checks out. But yeah, so I started there and then I just feel like if it goes even marginally well the first time you get hooked so fast and then from there it just kind of like

snowballed and I moved to Seattle after I graduated and I was in that scene for a few years and then moved to LA and And that's when I started opening for Jim Norton on tour. And so that was oh Jim's really funny. Yeah, so funny Yeah, that was kind of my first step in like really doing it for a living and then kind of transitioned from that feature opening position to headlining. So. I love it. So let me ask you a question.

So we've talked to a lot of different comedians. And one's from New York and one's from LA and one's from Indiana. And so there's everyone's, you know, I know that just like the fabric of the United States or anywhere around the world, different scenes, different people, different vibes, different jokes hit here or there.

Like you're not gonna tell Trump jokes in the middle of San Antonio, Texas. Yeah, right. And so is there like, when you're in Seattle, what's the comedy vibe there? Because I think you're the first comedian we've had that actually spend time in Seattle. Yeah, I know. Seattle doesn't really have like, well, I guess

they have a club called laughs, but they used to have one called the comedy underground and that went under during COVID. So the closest one they have that to me is like a major large club is Tacoma Comedy Club, which is like an hour. I think Joe Dombrowski. Joe Dombrowski was, yeah. He's up there. It's such a fantastic club.

It's like my home club. But yeah, I mean, I think coming up in Seattle during those years was a good time because you could get better, like you could bomb and be bad and it didn't impact your career, right? That got it. Right. That's true. Because you kind of career, right? It was like, right. Because you kind of need a scene when you're,

you're starting out, you have to go on stage and just like figure out what's funny. And I think it's tough when people now go right to LA or right to New York, because it's like, ooh, you, I don't know if you're like ready yet to have these big people see you when you're not in a position to like really get going yet.

So I think most comics try to find a smaller scene first to get better in and then go to a bigger one. Yeah, I think we had someone, I mean a lot of comics from New York, but someone told us like New York is the hardest scene. Like if you're not good, you're gonna figure it out real quick because everybody else is gonna figure it out real quick. And then you're not gonna be very welcomed anywhere else. And when you went to LA, is that transition?

Like, is that really hard? Because LA also known for great comedy, right? You've got the comedy store out there and you've got the improv and. Yeah, they will let you know for sure as well if it's not going great. But I did, I got so fortunate that my touring with Jim started within a few months of me moving to LA.

So I had a very unusual experience. I got pretty lucky that I did not have to do like the, you know, open mic at the laundromat grind for years. I, I was so fortunate that getting to go on tour with him, I started opening for him in like theaters. So I was, you know, it's hard because you don't want to take a lot of risks on those shows, right? You're trying to just like do your absolute best. So I think there are like advantages and disadvantages, but I got to really get so many reps on these big stages

and then go back to LA and like do, try to do smaller shows and work on new stuff there. But it was a really great opportunity for me. Wow. So two questions about that. So number one, yeah, that's very interesting because when you're opening for Jim Norton and he's doing these theaters,

1000 seat, 2000 seat, 3000 seat, your job is not to, it's not like a formative job. You're not there to test out jokes and write a new hour. You're there to kill so that when Jim gets, or you're there to kill or you're there to bomb. So that Jim looks better. So this is not a test out my new set kind of thing. I got to give him my tightest 15 or 20 minutes

or whatever it is and then Jim's got to come out. So that's very interesting. How did you connect with Jim? How did you get like go from Seattle to all of a sudden I'm hoping out for Jim Norton? Yeah, so when I moved to LA, he had tweeted that he was coming to LA to promote his new special,

and he had just asked his followers, like, what podcast should I do? And I had a really piddly little podcast at the time where I would interview other comics, and I had some of my listeners tweeting at me, like, oh, try and get Jim on, try, and I was like, he's not gonna do my show, he doesn't know me, This isn't some big podcast.

But he had his business email listed on his account. And so somebody was like, oh, this is his email. You should just reach out. And I was like, OK, fine. I have nothing to lose. And so I was like one of however many comics trying to suckle at the power teat, threw my name out in the ring. And then he ended up getting back to me and was like,

sure, I'd love to do your podcast. And, and then it went well. And I knew that he had had women open for him in the past. I think Amy Schumer had opened for him for a few years. And so I just said, if you ever need an opener, I'd love to work with you. And he gave me a shot. He let me open for him for a weekend and it went well.

And then I went back to my receptionist job the next week. Holy shit. And his manager sent me an email with the rest of the dates for that year. I was sobbing at my receptionist. That's my devil wears Prada job where I hated my boss. And so I got to put in my two weeks and like, piece the fuck out of there. And it was a really cool moment.

So it's so like, this job is so weird that Jim Norton became my comedy fairy godmother. I mean, like nobody would ever like have assumed that, but he really, he changed my life for sure. Funny story for the listeners. That's also very similar to the story her like have to see on that, but he really, he changed my life for sure. Funny story for the listeners, that's also very similar to the story about how we got Kelsey on our podcast. We sent a message to her business and said,

can we suckle off the teeth of Kelsey's comedy Megalord? Megalord tits, please! Yes. Oh my God, so funny. Yeah, I can imagine that's like a fucking fantastic Friday when you're like, this? See you later, I'm opening for Jim Norton. Yeah, it was huge.

I remember one time we had to, we were taking like maybe a private or something. We were flying from LA to Vegas for shows and we had to drive by my old receptionist office to get there and we were in like nice car service and I really was like, oh, good for you. Big mistake. Yeah, huge.

It was such a good feeling. So that was nice. Yeah. But if I'm your boss, I'm like, fuck yeah, you do it. Go live your best life. I mean, you know, we'll find somebody else to answer the phone. Yeah, I for sure was not like a crucial part of their business. I was like receptionist number three basically. Like nobody, this man did not know much about me. And then I found out, this is

maybe like a year after I had left, I got brought up in some like maybe work meeting and the guy, I got brought up in some, like maybe work meeting and the guy, the boss, who I didn't like goes, oh yeah, the magician. I was like, okay, that's the impression I left on that man is that I was the magician. A magician. A magician, that's too funny. Yeah, he just was, you know, a very classic,

like super high up in the business and just, yeah. Didn't get it. It's completely clueless as to who works under him. Yeah, yeah. That seems so weird to me. As a guy who's owned many failing businesses, I've always seemed to know, I've always seemed, including this one,

I've always seemed to know who works for me. Yeah, for sure. And I was feeling invested in them. So when I hear stories, because you hear them all the time, and there's famous people that we know where we hear stories about like the kind of these rich, you know, overlords who really are out of touch

with anyone in the business. And I don't know if that's because when you get to that level of power and money, it just doesn't matter anymore. You're so disconnected. You can't connect with people who don't live that kind of life. I just wonder, it alludes me and I know people like this too and I'm like, how do you not know this person? I know. And I mean, to be fair to him, I'm sure he could tell that I also was not

like, looking to move up in the company. I had made it pretty clear like, I'm a comedian but I need to work during the day company. I had made it pretty clear, like, I'm a comedian, but I need to work during the day still. So maybe he just felt like, this isn't somebody who I'm gonna know forever. But yeah, he was kind of like a tyrant with food in the office. He was like one of those people that,

if he's trying to eat better, like nobody around him can be having dessert. And so like somebody had come back from Hawaii and brought like expensive chocolate covered macadamia nuts and like left them in the staff kitchen and he just came and threw them in the trash. No. Oh, geez.

Yeah, he had told me like, if you're the one who's ordering like chocolate for the staff kitchen, stop doing that, we don't need that, because that's the directions that were given to me from the previous person. And I could tell people were just heartbroken, they needed their mini Snickers to get through the day there.

I know, that's fucked up. Yeah, so when I gave my two weeks on the company card, I ordered a massive quantity of Halloween candy basically and just stocked the drawers full. Good for you. That's fantastic. Yeah, I was like, bye, bye bitch. Yeah, that's like one of our friends.

They had kids and they were like, that's it, I'm not doing any more drugs, I'm getting clean, no more of the nose candy. Don't bring your coke here. For the respect of the children. And I was like, you're so- you're so rude. Come on. You're so rude.

I can't- I can't borrow your mirror for a few minutes because your kid might play with it. Jeez. I know. Fuckers. With a fucking killjoy. I don't have my crack pipe around here. It's tasty. It's relaxed. I like you. That's spicy. I like that. I like that you ordered the Halloween candy. And I like the story about you dressing up in college, like just showing up in costume

for the assignment. Right. For the public speaking. That was so cuckoo. And it was like a summer course. And so it was me and like 30 foreign exchange students from Japan who spoke very little English and I think probably understood even less. And so for them, especially public speaking class,

this was, I'm sure, so nerve wracking. I'm trying to picture me in Japan, like what a nightmare. So I'm going up in like a full costume trying to do this funny, like perform a eulogy of myself. It was this whole weird thing. And I'm just getting crickets. I mean, people staring at me have no idea what I'm saying. But that's how much I loved it.

It was so obvious that I had kind of figured out what I wanted to do, because it was making me so happy. You wanted to do magic so bad. I was like, this is my calling. It's my calling. I'm going to be a magician. Falling a rabbit out of hat, cool in any language. Hey, listen, there are no language.

I actually, for some reason, I, first of all, my Instagram and TikTok algorithm is on point. I mean, it's so fucking fantastic. I often get reels where there are zero views. And those are the golden ones where you're like, oh my God, this person is literally crazy and I'm the only person to ever see it and I must screen record immediately.

Oh my God, so funny. But I get this, I was watching magic tricks so I could play magic tricks with my small children, right? I always wanted to like, they love the magic. You can like put it under your arm and they'll be like, where did it go? And I'm like, I don't know. Oh, there it is.

Oh my God, full of their mind, yeah. But now I get all of these magicians doing their magic tricks. Oh yeah. And I'm like, okay, some of these are interesting. Some of them are not, but sometimes I'm really impressed. I think, wow, if I could do that. Yeah, now there's some really good magic out there.

At a party, I would have had children years ago. Yeah, that's right. I would have had a wife years ago. Just throwing themselves at you. Nothing says big dick. I'm the guy who can do a great card trick at the party. Add a cashable college kegger. That's right.

Yeah. But I don't even think you dressing up for college assignments is the strangest thing that I've read about you. I think the strangest thing is that you hustle people for money because you're an international foosball player. What is this? I love this. I know. I know foosball player. What is this?

I love this. I know. I know foosball. I played it a lot. I'm from Chicago. Foosball is all over the place. But tell us. I'm from Chicago.

Foosball is like a thing up in Chicago. Everybody plays foosball. Everybody loves it. Everybody loves foosball. Cold climates. Cold climates. Usually foosball thrives. That makes sense.

People are in bars. People are indoors. Yeah. Foosball and that little slidey game, what do they call that? Where it's like they have sawdust on the table. It's like shuffleboard, but it's not where you're using your hand, like using a stick,

it's where you're just using your hands and throwing them down. I think that's still shuffleboard. Oh, it's still shuffleboard? Yeah, it is. Okay, shuffleboard junior. You can also, you're thinking of the older people on the cruises pushing them.

I played that one. Or like curling on the ice with those. I love curling. Get me to the Winter Olympics now. We've done Summer Olympics. Great. Fantastic. Loved it. I was all about it. Get me to the Winter Olympics and let me watch some curling. I love those people. You could fully get fucking hammered and wasted and still do curling. There's no athleticism to it whatsoever. You just have to be, have a really good eye.

So tell us how do you, how do you, are you really like an international foosball champion? How and why? Tell us all about it. Yeah, so my parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament. No way. So I literally would not exist if it weren't for foosball.

It was like the foundation of my life. Good for foosball. And yeah, they had started to train me when I was like two years old and I would like stand on a stool so I could see the top of the table and they'd put their hands over mine and teach me how to play. So, yeah, I've played my entire life and my family and I would travel around and go to different tournaments and compete.

So, yeah, my mom is in the foosball hall of fame and it's crazy. So, I mean, obviously the majority of people don't know that professional foosball even exists. And then if you like picture who you think would be a professional foosball player, you're probably imagining a mullet. You're probably imagining like not a full set of teeth.

You usually don't imagine like a, you know, like a young girl. And so that was like my first tour a few years ago. I called it the Hustler Tour and that ended up being the name of my special, The Hustler. But I was after shows, I would find bars in the area that had foosball tables and I would hustle people. So I would be like, oh my God, like, what is this chess? And I would play really terribly at first and kind of build their confidence up. And then I'd be like, okay, like, I think I've got the hang of it. So like, we should play for money.

And every guy would like put their whole wallet on the table or like immediately open Venmo. And then that's when I would like pull out my foosball grip glove and just go to town. And it was very fun. I can't really do it anymore because enough people, I think, know now, especially if they're in the area of the club, but for a while, it was a fun little extra cash grab. Do you have a foosball table in your condo apartment house?

No, you got to. I do have one in my house, yes. Yeah, it's just part of you. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a pretty mandatory thing. Yeah. I wish I had learned to do anything really well. You know what I'm saying?

I wish I had learned to do one thing really well in my life. Have a specialty. That's such a funny sentence. I wish I had learned how to do anything really well. Anything well. I really do. Not one thing. Can you explain?

I feel like I'm a human being full of half thoughts. There's still time to chase magic. Yeah, there is, of course. There's still time, Brian. At my advanced age, I feel like, I don't know, what could I learn to do? What do old people do? I went to my mom's retirement home the other day

and they were doing karaoke. And I thought to myself, this is what I have to look forward's retirement home the other day and they were doing karaoke. And I thought to myself, this is what I have to look forward to. Karaoke. We've gotten very into pickleball. And I feel like that is for the old ones for sure. And we really love it. You know, I have some friends that are posting about pickleball and how much they love it and how great it is. And I did not realize, and probably until about a year ago, that pickleball is taken very seriously in some circles. Like there are professional pickleball tours that are sponsored.

And I see people like in Nantucket, like, you know, million dollar prize for the best doubles pickleball. And I'm like, a million dollar prize? Of course they're in Nantucket, so, you know, what do you expect? But that's crazy that it's on TV, it's on ESPN2. Yeah.

He's a big player out there with the retirement. Yeah, you think he's got a professional career coming up? I think he does, yeah, in the senior tour. Do you know what I see on the TV that I think is very interesting that's now professional is the hacky sack game. Cornhole. Cornhole. Cornhole.

Cornhole. Yeah, there's a professional tour for cornhole. Now, let me say something. I love all of it. You do not look like the person you would think of if you said professional foosball player, right? But when you watch cornhole, you will see the people you think of

as cornhole players. as Cornhole players. Yeah, it checks out. There's a lot of mullets and big beards. So are you on, so first of all, where are you located? Like where's home base? You know, it's gonna give us your address just somewhere near there. So I live in Minneapolis now.

Oh, you live in Minneapolis. My brother-in-law's up there. That's a great- Where are you guys based out of? Atlanta. Atlanta, okay, nice. Yeah, so two polar opposites literally. Yeah, it's a great city though. It's so beautiful up there. I love visiting.

Yeah, it really is. I never ever thought I would live in Minnesota. I had not even been here in my life until a couple years ago, but my boyfriend is from here originally. And so we were long distance and I was in Spokane at the time where I'm from originally and he was here and it just, it made more sense for me to be the one to move over. So, yeah, and I moved in January, which was a real experience. So, yeah.

Jared Yeah. Yeah, you know, I'm from Chicago and I've been to Minneapolis a few times during and most, I think all of those times during the winter actually, you know, when people say Chicago is like a different kind of cold, it really is. It's especially if you're downtown, it's very windy. It's, it's just bone chillingly cold up there, but it does. But Minneapolis, I think, also has a very similar type of cold. It's very cold in Minneapolis. And I guess it's, Spokane can get cold too, I would imagine. But not that kind of cold. You must really like this guy.

I know. That's like, everybody's like, damn, you must really love this motherfucker. Yeah, you must be into this dude. Yeah. Yeah. They've got a good food scene up there and a great airport too. It's easy to get to different cities.

So if you're traveling and on tour or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, we're both on tour. And so I never thought I would be like horny for an airport, but I like, I'm like horny for the Minneapolis airport. Yeah. So it's just like clean and big and like you just, everything's nonstop. It's just like clean and thick and like you just, everything's nonstop. It's just like, because if you're touring almost every week, the airport actually ends up becoming like your office, right?

Like where you are spending a lot of time. So it's a really great airport. I never thought I would care so much about it, but it's a nice place to live for sure. Yeah. How do you and Chad deal with that? Like, cause I'm sure you're both out on tour a lot. Is that beneficial to the relationship? I can see how it might be.

Like, hey, we're away from each other for a couple of days, and then we'll be back for a day or two, and then I don't like you anymore. I mean, it's like, there's that quote, absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I think also, too much absence is not great for the relationship. And so we always are on this side of like,

oh, I wish we could be around each other more than we are, but we try to make the best of it. We'll like FaceTime and watch a show together. We'll like press play at the same time or whatever. So it is like, I love that we're both comedians and we can talk about what is going on each weekend on the road and the other person knows exactly what that means.

Yeah. But, yeah, we like, I wish that our podcast was massive and we could just like tour here and there when we wanted, but then like just stay home. Cause we bought our dream house and it's like, oh fuck, well now we have to pay for the house we bought. And so we have to leave and fly to Milwaukee or wherever to then pay, but we really love being at home so much.

I've become such a Minnesota old, I truly in my bones feel like I'm 75. I just like, I sit on my deck, I shoe woodpeckers away from my house. It's gone downhill very quickly. I got old really fast. I think there's something to be said about for nesting. I do too.

I really do think there's something to be said for nesting. I got a house this past year and I'm a nester now. Congratulations. I had never had a house before. I garden and do stuff. Yeah, I never had a house before either. Yeah, it's the best. It really does.

All the things you never got to do. Yeah, while they're weeding, I'm like, oh my God, look at me. Exactly. Crazy. You know, when you connect with young people and they're out there living their best life, like I was, right?

Or you were, whoever it was. You remember those days and you think back on them fondly, but were they really that great? I'm good. Very hungover and terribly dangerous situations. I know. Probably ingesting stuff from drug dealers so you can give a shit about your health and life.

You know what I'm saying? Like all this stuff that you were doing, and it was great in that moment, but when you get to the part of your life, which I don't feel is that old, and you go, ah, there's something to watching a show and sitting here and just being silent and calm and quiet with a loved one or without a loved one or whatever the situation is, there is really something comforting about that, I find. Totally. Yeah. And Chad and I have both been fairly big drinkers in our life, but we both have not had a drink for almost five months now. And thank you. And we don't, I mean, it's like, it's not like court ordered. So, yeah, yeah, like we can go back whenever, but we've both been just

kind of trying to like give that a try. And it's been interesting to like go to concert sober, go to weddings sober and do these things that forever you've just assumed like, why am I gonna have some drinks there? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And not and be like, okay, there are like, there are a couple of moments, especially at like, at a wedding where the dance floor starts and you're like,

ooh, it is light outside and I'm not fucking doing the wobble at 7 p.m. sober. So there are those moments, but then like it hits 11 p.m. and you see the people who are shit faced. And you're like, oh, I'm so glad. I will not feel like that tomorrow. Yeah. Yes. So I I've been there for almost seven years

Again, not court order though. It could have been but it wasn't I got I beat him to the punch. Yeah Sir your honor I did it for myself. Thanks. Can we? Recusal what do you think? Yeah, and I just did it, honestly, to stop smoking cigarettes. I told this story on the show, to stop smoking cigarettes, because that's just the, it was terrible, and I needed to stop, and I was getting too old

to smoke cigarettes, and it wasn't cool anymore. You know, you look cool when you're 20 smoking a cigarette, but as you round your 30s into your mid-30s, you're just like the old guy smoking cigarettes. You go, what a fucking idiot, why is he smoking cigarettes? But I couldn't quit when I was drinking, because every time I picked up a drink, I wanted a cigarette and my judgment was gone.

I was like, oh, fuck it, I'll smoke one more or two more. But then I was drinking every six nights a week. But when I stopped, and I know that this is big now, you see this a lot on social media, and you hear a lot of people talking about this on podcasts and other places, how drinking really does kind of suck in a lot of ways. And I'm not preaching to anybody, but I'm just saying like, when you get sober from alcohol,

all of a sudden things start to change. Like your perspective starts to change. And yeah, it's a little difficult when you go places and everybody's having that first five or six drinks. But by the time they get to number 12, you're like, fucking thank God I didn't start drinking. Thank God. Yes, it's so crazy.

We both got the aura rings. I don't know if you guys have seen these. Yeah, I had one, yeah. Yeah, and that has also been really fascinating because I had never done the Apple Watch or anything like that. And so to see how your sleep gets- Sleep.

Impacted and like, I'm same as you, it's like, I'm not trying to vilify anybody who drinks. I don't care at all. No, no, no. But yeah, I listen to like the Huberman Lab podcast about alcohol and it's crazy because when you grow up and you're in school, nobody, like there isn't a day in health class where they're like, okay, so you're gonna drink one day,

but just so you know, like this is actually, like this is why you will feel the way you feel, this is what a hangover is, this is what it does to your body. Exactly, yeah, they should. We just start like drinking Four Locos and we're like, all right, hope we don't die, but nobody, I mean, I hope we don't die, but nobody.

I mean, I'm 35 and I just found out like what actually happens in your body when you have alcohol. So that's kind of crazy to learn these things now, but it does help me to not want to, cause it's just like, oh, it's like you, I feel like you want to care about your body the older you get.

Yes, keep going to like, you know, it feels good. Week number three, it feels great. Month number three, by the time you get. Yes. Keep going too. Like, you know, it feels good week number three. It feels great month number three. By the time you get to a year, it's just a whole different am- and by the way, I do not say I will never drink again. And I like New Year's Eve, I'll have a glass or two of champagne. Like I'm not, I'm not like a tea totaler, right? But 363 days a year, I just make the choice that with small fucking children, I do not need to be hungover or drunk. That's not what I need to see and that's not how I need to feel.

And then the other thing too is that, in America, I feel this, our culture drives people to binge drink. You're drinking to get drunk. But my wife, who's partly Spanish and we spend a lot of time in Spain, or we've spent a lot of time in Spain, in Spain, it's a different animal.

It's just part of the culture. Yeah, but that's aligned with lunch. And then you go back to work and you don't act like an idiot and you don't drink to throw up on your own shoes. It's not everybody who drinks like that in the United States, but I feel like at a young age, it's so restricted from us and it's bad and don't do it, that by the time we get to it and we realize

that it can make us, our inhibitions are low, our anxiety's gone, we can have a good time, but then it turns into something else altogether. It's like we just drink to get fucking drunk. Which is fine, you know, every once in a blue moon, but when you're doing it on a Tuesday, because the news came on, like, that's just not a great reason.

Yeah. I went to Washington State University, which is kind of like a known drinking school because it's just in the middle of the wheat fields and there's nothing else to do. And I feel like it just became like common very quickly that you drink to blackout. Like it wasn't, there was no like, oh have a drink or two, it's like what you're saying. You would drink to the point where that was supposed to be part of the fun is like the next day with your friends being like,

oh my God, like what did I say? Trying to piece together. Oh I remember this but then I don't remember. Like, and that was just this normal thing and I think back to my poor like 21 year old brain where I'm like, oh my God, that was so bad for it to just be like 21 year old brain where I'm like oh my god that was so bad for it to just be like shutting it down like that over and over but you're so right it's just that was the culture. It's part of it. It still is yeah. But you know what there is hope because I think that I

read I know I read a report and I think this was back in uh 23 that for the first time in history of 23, that for the first time in history, alcohol sales were lower than they were the year before in the United States. So I, yes, and I think that's because people, so many people like Huberman and a lot of folks, you know, Theo Vaughn, everybody, Theo Vaughn, everybody tells their, I was, a period of my life that got so fucked up, it's so accessible to hear stories from people

you may say, oh, I like that person. I like their opinion. I like their style or whatever. And then they tell these kind of war stories and share that after I cleaned it up, I feel so much better that people, maybe, maybe young people are, maybe I don't need to do that.

A lot of the really young people, I mean, my stepdaughters, they're not huge drinkers. My one doesn't even drink. She smokes weed, but you know. Alcohol may be the worst of all the drugs. I know, it's so crazy. Thanks for showing up to the Dr. Phil show. You're welcome.

Sometimes I feel bad. Sometimes I feel like I take things into a self-help place without even needing to. No, I didn't. It was my fault, not yours. It was me, I got on my free cheat. Cheers to you both. What are you drinking? That would be amazing Point. We're also gonna be at Dania Point. Yeah, we are. Are you really? Dania Beach. Dania Beach. Yeah. Yeah, Dania Beach improv and actually we had no idea that this place existed and so we got the, you know, we signed the contract or whatever and Sam Morrill happened to come on the day that we did that and I said hey so tell us about, you know, you've ever been to Dania Beach? And he's like, it's fucking awesome. It's like, it's legendary. And I thought, oh, wow, okay, there you go.

Yeah, I had surprisingly really fun shows there last year. Oh, really? I don't think I have like a huge fan base there. So I think they probably like papered some of the room, but even the people who came out, who were like, maybe didn't know me before, they were a great crowd. And it's like a really beautiful club.

So yeah, it should be fun. Okay, so kelseacook.com is where you get tickets to see her upcoming shows on tours. Chad on tour too? Chad is also on tour. We have some tour dates together for next year. That's what I was gonna ask. Why don't you have your manager put some tour dates

on both of you? That would be good. We're excited. It'll be some tour dates. Yeah. Both of you, that would be good. We're excited. It'll be our first time doing something like that. But we did a local show together in Minneapolis last year where we called it a notebook rebuttal. We were on stage together and we took turns telling our jokes that we have about the other person.

And then as soon as that joke was done, the other person got a chance to give their side of the story and kind of like defend themselves from getting made fun of. So we had a blast and obviously now we have the podcast, Pretend Problems. And so next year we'll be doing some like live podcasts, live stand-up together, as well as our own individual tours. Nice. Well, I've heard the show. I think it's funny. Oh, thank you.

I like Chad's comedy too. I'm a fan of both of yours. KelseyCook.com. Check out the podcast, check out the live show, check out the YouTube special on 800 lb. gorilla. Thank you. Yeah, it's on YouTube and now it's on Hulu and Disney Plus as well, so. Oh, it's on Disney Plus?

Which is so fun, I'm like. Look at fucking you. Oh, well thank you, it's so funny to me. I'm like, that's so weird that you can like, watch me talk about eating ass for three minutes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, well thank you. It's so funny to me. I'm like, that's so weird that you can like watch me talk about eating ass for three minutes and then like play like the fox and the hound. I'm like, this is like not what I would have ever expected, but I'm happy. I know.

I'm immediately canceling my subscription to Disney Plus for my children. That's it. I know. Mine should not pop up for kids, but. Kelsey, we really appreciate you coming with us today. You're welcome anytime. Until Chad, he can come on too if he wants to. Thank you, it was so nice to meet you guys.

I could talk to you for five hours, I'm sure. Yeah. Next time, maybe a little bit longer. Thanks, Kelsey, we appreciate it. Thanks guys, bye. I know this sounds crazy because we are a podcast, but we have a phone number because we are also a Sendian AI chatbot being designed to receive compliments and content ideas at

212-433-3TCB. So crazy how that works. If you want to follow us on Instagram, our handle is at the commercial break and our TikTok handle is at TCB Podcast. So go find our profile and watch the videos we painstakingly put together for you and our 20 other followers. If you find yourself wanting more, check out our website at tcbpodcast.com because you can find all of our audio and full-length video episodes. And if you just do all of those things, we will love you forever. Bye!

Paramount Plus! We come to you from the mountain of entertainment to tell you what's streaming on Paramount Plus. Blockbusters, like A Quiet Place Day One. Originals, including Yellowstone. We'll let the world know we're here. Light it up! And hits like Dexter. You are decent and good.

I'm not. Paramount Plus, your eyeballs, equals entertainment. Stream Paramount Plus from 6.99 a month. What does possible sound like for your business? It's having the spend to powers your scale with no preset spending limit. More cash on hand to grow your business with up to 55 interest-free days.

And the ability to reach further with access to over 1,400 airport lounges worldwide. Redefine possible with Business Platinum. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Terms and conditions apply. Visit amex.ca slash business platinum. Aw, I really liked Kelsey. I like Kelsey. Kelsey is a good one. You know, and we say this like probably after half the interviews, but I'm going to say it again because I think it rings so true

is that, you know, we say our good friend Kelsey Cook, but of course we've never met the person before in our entire lives, except for the fact that we see her on YouTube or, you know, catch her podcast or whatever. But when we book these interviews sometimes, it's like, you feel like you're rolling the dice a little bit. You never really know who you're going to get. It's like going on a blind date. They just show up, you show up and you hope that you hit it off.

And sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't. Now we've been lucky, I think we've had a good string. We've had a good run here. But Kelsey is like a really nice, sweet, smart, funny person. And I really enjoyed talking to her. I could have gone on forever, but I didn't want to because she's probably got other things to do besides talk to Brian Greene from the commercial break. She probably realized right away, my agent's fired. She was really interesting. And yeah, like you said, smart, funny, the whole package. She was.

KelseyCook.com is where you can find tickets to her tour. You can also see a link to her special and all the other things Kelsey related are all at KelseyCook.com. We'll put links in the show notes. We'll put links to buy tickets to her tour. We'll put links to the 800-pound gorilla special. And go watch it. It's actually really funny.

I watched it and I had a giggle or four. Chrissy, my friend. Good. You know, I'm not like a laugh out loud type of person. That's not what I do. Like if I watch something and I find something funny, I'm just more, I'm like, I have a smirk on my face. Like I'm smug about it.

But this one, I was laughing. So I think you'll find it interesting if you choose to go watch it. So I think you'll find it interesting if you choose to go watch it, which I hope you do. KelseyCook.com. Kelsey's also on that never-ending tour. She's going to be at Dania Improv also. Chrissy and I are going to be at the Dania Improv. And why am I calling it the Dania Improv? Because I just learned how to say it from Kelsey. The Dania Improv at Dania Beach in Florida on September 24th. At the Point. Not, not Kelsey, the commercial break.

That's where it'll be. You can get your tickets. They're now available. Links in the show notes, links on Instagram, links on our website, links everywhere. Links, links, links. Links everywhere. Or you can just go to the website. The Dania Improv on the 24th, the Orlando Funny Bone on the 25th, or Christy and I refer to it as the Bone.

The Bone. Meet us at the Bone on the 25th of Orlando. We got something brewing. I think you're gonna like it. And then we'll see. We'll see how those go and then maybe we'll branch out into other parts of the nation. Like, you know, Fiddlesburg, Iowa. We have aspirations. We have aspirations. We have aspirations. We have perspirations. We have lots of Asians.

We're going to do it. We're taking the world by storm. Soon you will know. In our own head. Yes. No, in my own head. I'm just worried about any of the shows. Anyway, we'd love to see you there.

If you're going to be there, give us a call or send us a text message. 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We are taking them all. You can leave a voicemail or a text message, either one. Just let us know you're going to be there.

We want to hear from you. Go to the website, tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, and your free TCB sticker. Hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address. Away we go. At the commercial break on Instagram,

tcbpodcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash the commercial break. Wow, that was good. Thank you very much. Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you.

Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe, including Kelsey Cook. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say, Good-bye! Hey you. Yeah, you. Scrolling TikTok and avoiding your chem homework? Chegg here. Hot take. You've seen enough Bama Rush, ASMR keyboard, and viral dance videos for one day.

Let's lock in and start that assignment. If you need a little help, lean on Chegg's expert-supported learning tools. I say this with love. Put on some lo-fi beats and get going with our step-by-step study support. Your weekend will thank you. Small steps today means big wins tomorrow. With Chegg, subscribe today. You got this. Turn off hesitation. Turn off doubt. Turn off fears. The YMCA of Greater Toronto helps You got this. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. Because we'll be the day. I gotta get some cocaine! It's gonna be crazy!