The Commercial Break - TCB Season Roulette: Season 1

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

EP929: We are going to play a little game....Bryan will pick a random episode from each of the TCB seasons and YOU listen! It's a win/win or lose/lose. You pick! good luck....Today, Season 1 is up to the wheel.  TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

On this episode of the commercial break. So for the next couple of weeks, there are going to be no streaming shows. Chrissy and I did the smart thing and recorded ahead of time as we're on our fifth vacation of the year. Listen to Chrissy and I complain about how little money this podcast makes. And then count how many vacations Chrisie and I can take in six months. It's really not vacation. I'm off at a podcast conference doing what podcast industry professionals do. Never shutting up and trying to get a word in edgewise.

Imagine 500 of me running around a podcast. conference hall all day and night. It's the kind of event some people would call, um, what's the word, nightmare. That's what it is, an absolute nightmare. So I thought I'd do something interesting for the next three weeks. I'm going to randomly take an episode from each season, one through six, play them sequentially so some of you new listeners can get up to speed without having to listen to 1100 hours of the commercial break. You'll thank me later. So here's the deal, oh, today, best up, tomorrow, new show, Friday, best up, Repeat, you get it.

We'll be back before you know it. Here's a completely random episode from season number one. I'm not going to listen to it. I just put a new intro on it, so I honestly have no idea what you're about to hear. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Toa-tick-tac-ta-to-pap-a-da-da-a. Ho-ho-ho.

Ho! Ho! Ho! And a Merry Christmas to everyone out there in the radio world. I just wanted to take a few minutes and say, this will be my last episode of Santa, Santa, Rainier Santa. I've been arrested of tax evasion, possibly messing with a prostitute. I'd like to apologize to both of my wives and all seven of my children. At this time, the attorney has advised me to say not much more, but I do have a few extra words. It was not a prostitute. That was an erotic massage.

There was a difference. As we get to my age, you're lucky if the tubing still works. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy? Sure. The piping still works. I'm Santa Sanderson saying to see you later. Oh, ho. Do you like my glasses?

Yeah, they're good. I like them. They got two little light bulbs on them. Yeah. So you can see. And they've got disco balls that hang from the sides of them. Oh, honey, I know about balls hanging down to the side. Let me tell you about that.

Let me tell you about that. It's a shoe shiner. I get a note of scrote in there. That is still one of the funniest things I think we have ever done on the show. The notes of scrote. A couple notes of scrote. D.D. Can you bring a decanter? And by D, I mean my D.

You're a ramicking from my balls. That's right. Bloop, bloop. They're good. Your balls have an exquisite taste. Exquisite. You have a ball. are one fine taster.

Hi, I'm Steve. I'll be your scrotiae today. Scroitye! I'm not splashed some of this marmon on my balls and tell you whether or not it's okay to drink. It's coming. It's coming. Mark my words. We didn't think a television star could be a president.

And we've had two of them. So there you go. Yeah, that's true. We're doing a little Christmas shopping here at the commercial break at TCB Studios. We were cruising through the, uh, the, the, the sharp. image got a lot. That's right. Which I think sharper image has probably been responsible for more orgasms.

With their neck massagers? And Dr. Drew. Yeah, because, you know, it used to be that they actually tried to hide what was going on. You know, it would be some odd shaped machine that would vibrate at some frequency that you could change, right? But it didn't actually look like a dick. Now it's just, that just looks like a dick. It's like shaped like your actual like fits in your clitoris.

Yes, perfectly. And they're like, sure, use it on your neck. Why not? But I made it for your clitoris. They have a whole section of massagers just dedicated to your vagina. I love the one of the reviews from a woman that said, I'm very happy with this gift. Very happy. We were in a vest by a couple days ago and Astrid and I are walking by the now they have like the, they have like a little sharper image section, right?

It's not a sharper image, but it's just like all different kind of variety of gadgets. Gadgetty types. Yeah, Gatchett type stuff. And it's like, it's a massager. And it looks like a triangle. And then you put, it has a handhold. So you put your handhold. And then it's got one big thumper.

And that thumper is supposed to like, you know, give you a back massage. What it really is for is just pounding your vagina into submission. And Astrid goes, what's that? And I'm like, oh, no, we're in that part of the relationship. Or Astrid starts a collection of massagers at that house. This is literally the only product in the whole. catalog that has a review that says very happy with this five stars five squirts and a pump looks like a dick i don't know you can't know you can see it it's just a dick that's all it is

it's it's a it's meant to go in your body yes what does it say it says heat the heated personal massager is velvety soft cordless that's good you don't want to stick anything in your vagina with a cord and it heats up to 102 degrees just happens to be the same temperature as your penis with an erection for soothing sensation choose from one of ten but massage patterns horny white teenager college age fap or big hang big hairy man that's what it says and then it says oh my god listen to this are you ready for this you haven't read through all this have you is completely waterproof and washable. That's right.

For use in the shower or the bathtub. You know when your neck's really sore in the bathtub and you need that massage? Oh my God. Sharper image is just a smut peddler. That's all they are. They have all kind of weird things. They do. And for a little while back, I think it was last year, why I was even on this list to get the catalog,

which they said to me all the time now. But I had bought a couple things. I was like, you know, this stuff looks cool. Some of it. Like, there was a knife sharpener. I got that. It's a saw. That's not a knife sharpen.

Oh, you got a knife sharpen. Sharpener. Yeah. No, there's the picture of the one in here, though. Yeah. It's like a mini chainsaw. It's a chainsaw for your turkey. It's a mini chainsaw.

I thought that was hilarious. How many missing fingers? There's also, the one that I really thought of you for was the one where. The personal massager? No, it's the one that's the like. It's the plastic thing that straps around your waist and holds your phone in front of you. Oh, yeah. It's like a wire, like a metal wire thing and it straps around your waist. So the phone can be directly in your face no matter where you're traveling.

I'd assume you're walking down the busy streets of New York with one of these on. Watching the crown. That would be me. I'm still. Lady died dies in the end. Oh, my God. I have no idea. I have a little bit into the crown now.

Love that crowd. Oh, it's so good. It's the most boring show that's ever interesting. I mean, it's so fucking slow and you know what happens. It's clear what happens. Everybody knows what happens. Lady die dies. That's what happens, right?

The queen hates Lady die. Lady die is dead. That's what happens. But yet they make it so interesting. I guess that's why they call it Palace Intrigues. There were things from like the first and second season I didn't know about because they were back in the full 50s. I don't know.

I wasn't alive. It's pretty crazy though for her to think for me to think about her coming onto the throne. Yeah. Waring the crown at 21. 21 years old. She's 93 now. I know. And she just won't give it up. She's been the longest running one. She just won't give it up. She knows that Charles is going to just fuck it up. Based on what I'm seeing in the fourth episode or for season, I don't think she wants, I think she's hanging on. So Charles can't do it. That's right.

She's like, he can't handle it. He's, yeah, I mean, his taste in women is atrocious. He married Camilla Parker Bowles. And I'm sorry. But, I mean, he's, was cheating on her the entire time. He's the Lady Die and Camilla Parker Bowles. While looks are not everything, they are something. And he is the fucking king. He's going to be the king of the, you know, whatever they call it.

The monarchy. Well, yeah, but they call it like the Commonwealth. At some point. And, you know, Lady Die was beautiful. She was gorgeous. I know she was a little loopy, but, you know, she was gorgeous. Well, again, she was a young, she met him when she was 18. He was 31.

He was 31? Yeah. She was 18? Yes. So there's an age difference there. But poor thing. I mean, she was kind of thrust into this role.

Yeah. She really had it. That's got to be a tough life. Yeah. It's got to be a tough life. Are you on the season with Lady Die? Yes. Okay.

So you see that, you know, it's just like once you, yeah. They basically just turn the lights on one day and she was all the sudden famous. She was living with like a pack of other college age kids. Right.

And then all of a sudden she's like, you know, now she has to learn who to Kurtz you two first and who to say what to. If I was that, I just say fuck all that. Can we just fuck all that bullshit? I don't need to do it. I mean, come on, guys.

It's 2020. We really need to learn all that shit. But then again, no no monarchy is going to come hang out with me. That's for sure. TCB podcast. I'm the king of this throne. And I mean, this throne, I mean the ones I'm sitting on right here. It's got to be difficult to be a monarch.

Once you watch that show, you understand it. Like, I have no sympathy. Well, now I know why Harry and Megan are like, like, see you. Yeah, like see you later. He's never going to be the king. Well, right. I'm never going to be the king, and this bullshit is crazy. That's right.

Let's go live in California and Canada. Which one of the Jonas Brothers is going to be king again? Which one? It's Harry, Mary and Larry, Harry, Moon Curley. You mean on the season? No, I mean, what are the lady dies children? What were they named Harry and? William.

William. Okay, so William's going to be the king. Yes. Because he's the first born. Yes. Okay. And then after that, it would go to, well, It would have one of his sons.

That's right. And I think he's got two and then there's a girl, I think. Yeah. So, I mean, and so like Harry's out. He's never going to be anything. He's just basically a side show. But he's, I mean, he's incredibly wealthy. He gets to do whatever he wants.

Yeah. You know, he's got that Megan Markle. Yeah. Megan Sparkle, whatever her name is. You like her? I love her. I don't know anything about her. I used to watch the show suits.

She was on the show's suits. What is suits? It was a show. About what? About suits. It was really about suits? Yeah, it was set in like a, an attorney's office.

Oh, so it was like, yeah, okay, got it. Got it. 10-4. That's right. Marriage. TCB Podcast.com is where you go to read all the show notes. You can find out more about Chrissy and I, and you can join the break room. The break room will get you access to the after show YouTube channel.

That's where we do 15, 20 minutes extra right after each show. And you can watch it. You're going to get people epilepsy. Chrissy has these, for those of you listening, she's got these Christmas, He just described them. But then there's lights on them and they're pretty bright. Yeah. And we were just outside with the studios inside my house.

So we were just outside and showing my son. And he just like ran off and hit under the couch. He stared. Yeah. I think he had a seizure or something. Oh, God. I was trying to be festive. It's our Christmas episode, really. Oh, I forgot my mug.

Oh, that's okay. You got in headed nitty muggins. So TCBP Podcast.com is where you can go. and watch the YouTube channel. Subscribe. Please do that. And we made a plea last show. We'll make the plea again.

We love the fact that there's a bunch of people listening and we want to get you involved in the show in many different ways. And one of the ways we want to get you involved is engage with us. Talk with us and let us know what you like to hear on the show. Ask us questions. So send an email info at TCBpodcast.com. But we have a personal goal of getting a couple hundred additional Instagram followers in the next month or so. So at the commercial break, at the commercial break on Instagram. Follow us.

We are creating a bunch of content, uh, almost daily, creating a bunch of content that will be pumping out there only on our Instagram channel, only on our Instagram account. Excuse me. So go to at the commercial break on Instagram. And we're going to do giveaways and different things. All kind of stuff. So we're revamping it. Yeah. There's incentive to go on there. We're putting new focus on our social. It's not just a picture of, you know, or a link to the next show. We've been told by the head honchos at podcast universe that if we want to turn this into a million, at a million dollar podcast, we've got to get some people engaged in the social media. Because I was saying last show, I think we've 50, 60, 70,000 people listening. However, we got like 26 Instagram followers.

And they're our family and friends. Yeah, and our family and friends. So it's all my fake accounts. We started new accounts too, though. TCB Chrissy and TCB Brian. That's Brian with a Y, Chrissy with the K, and a Y. So make sure you follow us on all of the socials. I certainly would appreciate it.

Speaking of sharper image, now, I know that I don't think they have one here, but do you know what a Faraday cage is? I don't. Okay, so Faraday cage, in case you're unfamiliar, is a metal wire cage that you build. Some people build them around like server centers. You know, like where all the servers are? They'll build an entire, the server center is wrapped in what's called a Faraday cage.

Why is it called Faraday? The guy was Faraday. The guy from Lost? There was this character on Lost called Faraday. Did you watch Lost? No, I didn't. Oh, God. I had no, I watched one episode of Lost and I was lost.

I was like, I'm out. See you later. No, it was so good. One of the best shows. I thought the plane crash was cool. And then the hell was going to be about them living on an island and surviving. I know, but then there's like magical things happening. It's so hard to follow.

And, you know, at that time, you know, barely DVRs around. You couldn't just go and binge watch it. it really became like, honestly, after the first episode, the second episode, when magical things started happening, I was like, I don't want to watch about magical things. I just want to watch them eat each other or something. Like, you know, like, pick each other up. And I just, I thought it was going to be like a survive. Yeah, Gilligan's Island type, but more serious. It was really good. I loved it the whole time until the end, of course. So I don't even know. Don't tell me because maybe one day. Yeah. There's a lot. Yeah, no, I'm never going to get to it.

Never going to get to it. And that's so funny to think about the real quick. Sorry. Yeah, go ahead. Please. But, um, it's so funny to think about. back before there was binging. That's right. You had to set your VHS to record or then your DVR when those came out. Yep, your TiVo. And it was appointment viewing where, I mean, you got the one episode of week. Absolutely.

You had to wait. Absolutely. You had to wait until it came on next week. We don't have that anymore. You can just, you know, you can like literally wait for an entire season to just finish itself and then watch it in one day. You don't have to worry about any of that other stuff. Thanks, thanks,

Blue, Nico, for jumping in on that. Those are my dogs in the back. Where are you going to leave this in? Because this is real stuff. This is what happens during the show. I've got two really obnoxious dogs and they bark at everything and that's what they're barking at.

They're probably barking at someone coming in the door. But the Faraday cage is like this, get back to it, this metal cage that they build around things to protect it from electro-magnetic, like electricity and electro-magnetism and all this of this stuff. It's supposed to protect you. So say, your car is a Faraday cage when you're in a thunderstorm.

Oh, okay. Even if lightning hits it, you're protected by the metal cage, essentially. So it deflects the electromagnetism. That's basically the principle of a Faraday cage. So people have been building these for a long time for many different reasons. Tesla built them and, you know, Edison built it and all this other stuff. People, I don't know who these people are. I'm not friends with him.

People. People. Bye-bye. Have decided that 5G is causing coronavirus. Don't know why. Has something to do with Captain America and a picture of spaghetti in the Times Square? I don't want to get into everything, right? But some people have made up this entire whole horse shit, bullshit, no scientific proof

whatsoever that 5G does anything except to deliver content to your phone. I mean, that's basically what it does. It doesn't fry your brain or cause ball cancer. Give you COVID. I mean, give you COVID. What? I mean, guys, come on. Give you COVID?

How does a wave that comes from electromagnetic, then cause a virus in your body. What in the world? It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't work like that. But listen, some people believe this, okay? And, you know, I...

We need to do one of those shows again, those conspiracy theories. We will do a conspiracy theory show in season two. Maybe it'll be our show opener. Because there's a lot of them now, and they're all, and a lot of people are believing them. And I want to say how fucking silly, but the truth is that so many people believe them, there's a reason why they're believing. They want to believe that there's something nefarious going on, and that's the reason

why things in this world are so fucked up when the truth is is that things are just fucked up. So, bye, bye, bye. It just happens. It just happens. Shit bad shit happens, right? Strange shit happens. Sometimes unexplainable shit happens. It's just the way of the world. But scientifically, it's impossible for electromagnicism to carry a virus into your body, your brain,

your nose or anything. But here's the point. People have been convinced by hucksters that by buying a Faraday cage for their Wi-Fi receiver at home that they can protect themselves. In other words, they think that 5G is being carried into their Wi-Fi receiver, and then the Wi-Fi receivers and then spreading it all over their house. The virus caused by 5G fucking waves. It's unreal.

The shit people believe. It wasn't just because they went to a rally. Didn't wear a mask? Well, that could be possible too, right? I mean, hey, listen, I don't get, I'm a science guy. No, I'm saying that's what happened. I know what you're saying. That is what happened.

That is what happened. The entire, yes. Ha, ha, ha. You've been Copeland. So, so they buy these Faraday cages. And now all online, they're like from these Amazon sellers

and Etsy sellers and all this other stuff. And people are getting pissed. And you know why they're getting pissed? Why? Because it's a Faraday cage and you put it around your Wi-Fi receptacle. You're not going to get Wi-Fi. It's fucking dumb as shit. If you put a metal box around your Wi-Fi receiver or distributor,

you're not going to get Wi-Fi. People are like, I put the Faraday cage around my Wi-Fi. Now I can't get Wi-Fi. This thing doesn't work. Of course it doesn't work, you moron? Do you think it's like a two-way mirror? It just lets it out, but it doesn't let it back in? It's a metal cage built in someone's fucking backyard for 50 cents,

and you're buying it to put around your Wi-Fi receiver. What did you think was going to happen? Don't get upset. it worked. It worked. You're certainly not going to get coronavirus now because you can't get Wi-Fi. So if you don't know about it, it doesn't exist. That's the way it is. Now you can't have any of that science in your phone. Science is causing 5Gs, man. Science. Science, 5Gs and shit like that. I swear on all that totally we have lost all common sense in this world. All common fucking sense. Please. It's a virus. Did it come from China? I don't know. That's debatable. That I can understand.

You might have some suspicions about where it came from and why it came from there. I get that part of it. But to believe that it came from an electro- It's like your fucking brains full of fucking electricity. It's like a static electricity up there. I don't know what's going on. Yeah. I wonder if they can build like a Faraday lay cage, a Farrellay cage.

Can we build a Faraday cage to put all these people into? Yeah. Is that possible? They have one of those. It's called the United States of America. We're all living here. stuck unbeknownst to us. Yeah, I want to, like, I'm going to put a Kate, you know how the women are constantly

bothering me. They're always up in my, up in my shit. Bothering you have. Well, they want to have sex with me and stuff like that. Oh, right. You know, you know, how all the fans out there are constantly, you know, writing in. That's right. Cruepies.

I've got one lady in Venezuela. I don't know. And either does my wife. But she just, I mean, she doesn't say anything rude. She's very nice, actually, but she responds to everything, everything we do. She's always like, right on it, like, a minute later, bing. It's as if she's waiting for the commercial break to say something. And then she's like, love it.

Perfect. So funny. That's great. I know. It is great. I love it. Okay. So, but you know how the lady.

So I'm wondering if we can, like, build a cage where, we're around me, so protect me from all of these, you know, vibes that are coming in. Because I don't think that's needed. I don't think that's needed. I'm just going to be honest with it. You don't think it's needed? No. I don't know. The electroagnetic static. Electromagnetic, sonic. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB.

It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her, or me or Chrissy, at 212-4333-TCB. 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too. Mm-hmm. Just call and say something.

Anything. Or text us and we'll text you're right back. Promise. Then head over to TCBpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash the commercial break.

Best to you. And Astrid. Especially Astrid. Hey, you should listen to your inner voice, by the way. It's a lecture of magnetic. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, look, it's our old friend, Henry Fonda. Hello, Henry.

Hi, everybody. How's everyone doing? Happy Christmas, Merry holidays. All that shit are you? That shit. Well, listen, I mean, I don't know. People practice. You know, there's the dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,

and then there's a Hanukkah. There's a festamist. There's all that Christmas and art. country, we call it the Day of No Presence. You know, there's a couple different ways. Well, listen, I mean, we have other things more important shit to worry about than the Santee Clause or whatever you call it. Oh. So I heard Brian talking about maybe he's having problems in his marriage and I thought I'd come on. I've recently got my PhD from the local college down here, the University of I know everything.

And it's partly online, partly in person. I just took the online portion of it. But I am now a certified psychologist and marriage counselor. Nice. Congratulations, Henry. Thank you. Thank you. And I wanted to be, because, you know, you and I have had a hard time connecting on some things. I know that, I know Jeff is being very protective of you.

He's very concerned that I may step on his toes or his balls or whatever is going. He was a low hanging balls. Get that together, Jeff. You need one of those ball straps, you know, the one the kind that you just, you hook two clips and then you put it up. You hook two clips to your balls. and then one on your headboard, and then you just stretch your scrot sac. I saw that in Sharper Image. Sharper Image is one of my favorite catalogs.

Let me tell you, we also have Podcast Universe Image, which is another place. It's full of dildose. It's full of fruit-shaped fruit that you can use for whatever you want. For a neck massager. Yeah, we sell Apple massagers for your apple bags, if you know what I mean. But anyway, with my no-found degree in marriage psychological, I thought I'd want to come on and share some of the customs and cultures and things that in my country, the things I've been learning about the marriage. Okay, that sounds good.

Okay, so first, there's a little update. How are you and Jeff doing? Jeff and I're fantastic. Jeff looks great. I'm telling you. He looks fantastic in those pictures. And every time I see him come out of the apartment, he looks wonderful. I'm glad you've been watching us.

Well, you know, I live in the same neighborhood. I'm around the corner, just checking to make sure that you're okay. I'm a little suspicious of Jeff. just going to be honest with you. Why? Well, he's so protective of you. I mean, usually in my country, when we get married, it's the last thing we're worried about is our wife.

This is important, you know, if we're going to keep the species going, we've got to get out there and make babies, but not with our wives. That's terrible. Marries is not for sex. It's for toiletries and nice towels that you get when you get married. Oh, the gifts. It's for the gifts, basically. So let's go through a few things that I think you and Jeff and possibly.

Brian and asked through maybe doing wrong or maybe we can just get, maybe there's a little help that I can offer you. Is that okay? You don't mind if I give it. These are Henry Fonda's top 10 marriage tips and tricks. Okay. Yes. Okay.

I took some notes. If everyone doesn't mind, I'll keep my notes here because, you know, I've got a lot of things on my mind lately with the divorce going on with Ariana Grande. She now refuses to show up the court. She claims she does not even know who I am. Oh. This is crazy business. I took picture.

I took picture. I buried it in ground. I did ceremony of dance. I set two llama feet on fire, and I sent her notification by USBPSPSPSPS, which is our local postal system. Not so good. Just going to be real honest. Listen, I think one of the things that Astrid and Brian did correctly that you and Jeff may be missing is you've got to get right to the baby making. I mean, listen, right to the baby making.

There's no other point in being married except the procreate. But pop up little children that can then pay your bills down the line. Right. And take care of you and you're old. And if this is a matter of fertility, I can give you a little help in this department too. There's a fertility technique that I call mash potatoes. And this is it. It's been going out for a long time in my culture.

What I want you to do is next time Jeff comes in the door, the first thing is you tell us, Jeff, stay right there. I'm going to come over. him. You're going to kneel down before him. Head right around the crotchial area right there. Crotchial. Yes, that's what it's called, I think. That's the technical name. You guys have had your dup shules, so you know, do you understand what a man and a woman do when a woman gets on her knees?

I want you to constantly punch Jeff right in his penis. Oh, that's the mashed potatoes? Well, it gets the sperm going. It wakes them up. It lets them know it's time to go to work, right? And it's like sometimes you can't wake up for work and you need to ex-be. You need a snooze, try. Sometimes you need two punches and the fetus.

This is a long-standing family tradition. And I'm telling you what, my mom had 12 children this way. I swear another thought. Now, they're different colors, but, you know, that's a story for a different day. That's a story for a different podcast. I'm just letting you know. So, you know, get to the mashed potatoes. You got the mashed potatoes.

You want to write in the potatoes. Okay. Bang, bang. keep on going and if he screams in pain this is okay that's just him waking up to the reality of marriage we all go through it there's no big deal i'm making notes yes okay now it's important for jeff to keep his girlish figure i'm talking to you jeff so jill you're listening okay and when i say girlish figure i'm talking about the men a man should be on a constant diet in this in my culture men are on constant diets i personally like a diet of

hash brown smothered and covered and paw patrol gogers and i don't know if you're into probiotics are you into probiotics yeah we are into probiotics to the cephalidifilis have you seen this one yes okay really what it is is just ground up dandelion but jeff needs to maintain his girlish figure because this is very important to keep the marriage going to keep him healthy in good spirits and and additionally we don't want to waste a lot of money on extra clothing for Jeff. This is supposed to go toward the woman, not toward the man. I just want to let you know that. So if Jeff keeps his girl as figure, you won't have to buy new clothing.

He's keeping it. He looks good. One of the most important things that I've noticed that you and Jeff do that is very bad for your marriage. It's just tearing you two apart right now is that you guys never go to bed angry. This is number one thing in manage. I'm sure you've heard this for many people. You must go to bed, never go to bed without being angry. I thought it was the other way around.

No, no, no, no. This got messed up many times ago. This is longstanding tradition that got messed up. Someone said it wrongly, and it's like a game of telephone, and now everyone believes it. But the truth is, you're supposed to be angry when you go to. This is a very important step in healthy marriage. How are you supposed to wake up and find your mistress attractive if you're still happy at home? It's just, this doesn't work.

And let me tell you something, we all know a mistress is a key to a happy marriage. Many mistresses in my case. And so this is, so listen, you tell Jeff right before you go to bed, if you guys are having a really good night and things are going very well, say, Jeff, you got a small dick. That's all you say. That's just leave it there and then say, I'm going to bed. Good night. Good night. Yes, you have a small dick.

Love you. Talk to you soon. You are ill-equipped to provide for this family. Good night. I love you. I can't believe I married you. I should have married Henry. Say that.

Okay. This is good. Another thing that you and Jeff are doing completely wrong. And I know this because I just suspect this. I haven't seen it actually, not in a long time anyway. You changed your Wi-Fi password. You put your Wi-Fi in a Faraday cage and now I can't get through it. We did.

You need to make love as quickly as possible. This is number one important thing when we're having noomshoulds, if I may, please. And this is very important because, As the story goes, the longer you're in the watering hole, the more chances you have to drown. So I just want Jeff to know. I just want Jeff to know that quicker is better when it comes to making love to your wife. That's right. Fast is quick.

Rabbit like. Yeah. Bung, bang, bang. Three to five seconds. I spend three to five seconds on four pie, which is typically me talking a good, you know, you've, women like to get excited through their ears, right? And so I say a few things like, hey, how are you? Or it's nice to meet you.

Or you're a little fatter than you were in the picture, but what else? Something like that, something along the line. That was a compliment. Sweet talking. Sweet talking, that's right to their brain. That's how it goes. They'll joke. They make sure he knows.

And then I typically spent three to five seconds fluffing. And then I typically spend three to five seconds completing the transaction. And then, you know, I have other things to do. Wow. That is quick. Well, what did you expect? I mean, in my culture, it's a race. It's a race to the finish line.

Very quickly, yes. As a matter of fact, we are very fond of the world's fastest lovemaker, Ron Paul Fantastico. His name is Ron Paul Fantastico. He's 3'7. He used to be a jockey. He used to ride horses, and then he had a terrible accident. No, no. And yes.

But what he found was after the terrible accident, while his unit did not look quite the same, he actually split into three different penises. But what he found was the middle penis was as quick as it could possibly be. And so he actually holds our nation's role. records for fastest love 1.6 seconds. That is quick. That is very quick. Even for me. I've done my personal best is six seconds, but I'm working on it.

Remember anniversaries. Yes. That's it. That's all. Just remember anniversaries. That makes sense. Don't do anything. Just remember it. That's right. Well, you wake up in the morning. It's a day of morning, really. It's what it is. It's like, oh my God. Another year has gone by. I like to mark mine weekly. Another week. Another Thursday gone by.

I got married on Thursday morning at the coffee shop, just the thing you know that. Communication is key, wholly. If you're going to maintain this marriage in the long term, communication is key. Very true. That's right. If you're going to earn the respect of your partner, you must communicate. So let me give you an example of me and Ariana before the unfortunate accident, where we got the divorce.

I would call her up and I would often say, honey, I feel like we're not communicating well. So did you do the laundry? That would ever well. What's for dinner? Yeah. What time are we eating? Do you have a few dollars I could say?

Do you mind if I bring another woman into the bedroom? Communication is key. Just letting you know it. But remember, communication is a one-way street. You don't want a lot of back-talking. Oh, it's a one-way street. It's a one-way street. So have you got a lot of back talking?

You go back to the mashed potatoes. And all goes back to the mashed potatoes. It goes back to the mashed potatoes are both punishment and reward. It's like doggy treats with nails in them. Don't argue over other people's finances. Oh, wait. Don't argue over other people's fiancés. I'm sorry, I wrote that down the wrong way.

Don't argue over other people's fiancés because it's probably just. give it a couple weeks and then you go in for the kilt. You know what I'm saying? That's a pretty common in my part of the world, actually. You go to a wedding, not necessarily to celebrate someone else's love, but to check them out and see if they're good mistress material. Wow. Yes, this is how I... It's more of like a dating site. That's right. On site. How I've gotten six or seven of my past girlfriends. Weddings. Yeah, it's like a Tinder date. You never know what you're going to show up with, but when you see them in a wedding dress, I typically give a little, we give, in our country if you give a little hoot or howl, you know what I'm saying? Whoa, mama. Nice ass.

Really gets the crowd going, if you know what I'm talking about. Things are a little bit different than my country, but not too much from yours. Spend quality time together. Really, spend a lot of quality time together. This is very important. That makes sense to. What I like to do is I like to get up early on Saturday mornings and I say, you know what, honey, we're going to spend some quality time together today. So get in the car and you and me were going to go on a nice shopping trip. And I always find this is, my ladies have always loved this. I'm going to say, we're going to go in a nice shopping trip, and we get to the mall, and I drop her off, and I tell her I'll pick her back up in four five hours. I didn't say we had to be in the same room.

I just want us to spend doing something at the same time in different places. Oh, okay. Yes, I go to the bar. She goes to the shopping. It's much better that way. Don't sweat the small stuff. Other men and women, infidelity lying, these are small issues, not even. worth discussing. This is not

worth. And remember, ladies, when it comes to your man, looks are everything. Don't marry a man for his wallet. Don't marry him for his personality. He's got to be sexy. This is all I'm saying. You need to keep this in mind. These are just a few of the tips that I came up with in my dissertation to get my PhD.

This is part of your thesis. I think that you can get a copy of this online at podcastuniverse.com, backslash, Henry Fonda's Marriage Bootcamp. We'll post him to Instagram. too. I'd like to know if anybody has any additional marriage questions they would like answered. Please, can I use your email address? Is that okay?

Sure. Info at TCB Podcast.com. Address it to Henry Fonda's marriage boot camp and ask me anything. I'm sure that I can help you out with whatever noomshua problem you are having. It's important that we keep the strong family nuclear unit together too. And that can be to men, two women. I appreciate you taking the time, Henry. I appreciate you being here.

Now, when... It's my show. I do the show. with Brian. What happens to Brian every time? Come on. It seems to make himself scarce. He's no match for Henry.

I think he's got a drug problem. That's my personal opinion. He likes it so he can go in the room and do it. I don't know what the kids are doing these days. What are they doing? The peyote? The kids are into these days, peyote? Puffing paint cleaner?

Maybe. Maybe still. That's right. Okay. Okay. of mashed potatoes, go to bed angry, don't sweat the small stuff. Those are three most important. Okay.

I've taken note. And always have a guy on the side. Just in case things fall through with you and Jeff, I consider myself in the running. Yes, of course. When are you going to come over? When are we going to consummate this flirtation? We have been going on for a long time. I'm really busy through the holidays, but let's talk again.

Let's talk again. The new year in our season two. Season two. I don't know if I'll be invited back after this. I don't even know if people will be listening after this episode. But, yeah, listen, you discuss it with Brian and you let me know. I don't have anything to do for the holidays, actually. I'm not invited by anyone.

So if you and Jeff have extra room under the tree, and in between two of you in the bedroom, let me know, and we'll get together. I'm not too afraid. I'll do a little sword fighting with Jeff. I'll get it figured out. We can see who's the quickest. guarantee I win. We can have a race.

We can have a practice race. Don't worry about it. Don't worry. We won't use you as the track. We'll do a little practice. Okay. We'll go into the closet and we'll show each other what we're made of. This is how we do it in my country.

Are you ready for a race? Get in the closet. Show me what you're made of. We bring flashlight and put the rocky music. Getting harder. Okay, got a good. Things aren't looking so good for me. Okay.

Bye, everybody. Happy holiday. Remember, we are here at Henry Fonda's boot camp, are always here to stroke. Here you go. Okay, go. Bye. You make this rather snappy, won't you?

I have somebody heavy thinking to do before 10 o'clock. Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void? Like, Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212 4333-3-3-TCB. That's 212-433-3822.

Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian, I need a race. Compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans. Or tell us a little story. The juicier, the better, by the way. We'd love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials. At the commercial break on Insta, TCB podcast on TikTok.

And for those of you who like to watch, oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video. YouTube.com slash the commercial break and TCBpodcast.com for all the info on the show. Your free sticker or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I got to go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food. Today is pork chop day.

Wow, another rousing, another show-stopping appearance by Henry Fonda. Oh, he's a classic. Classic Henry. Classic Henry. He's wearing his sunglasses. I feel like he was on the run from the law or something. Well, I think he's an Ariana Grande stalker. Yeah, I don't think he's actually.

I don't think he's actually married to Ariana Grande. I feel like we would have heard about that. He's on drugs or something. Yeah, he is. Yeah, he's really on drugs. His marriage chips were quite interesting. Did you hear those? I know you were in the bathroom doing drugs.

I was in the bathroom doing lines. Yeah. Yeah, I did. I heard a couple of them. The mashed potato was an interesting approach. The mashed potato. I haven't heard that one before. I feel like I feel like I have known somebody, a girl who told me that the guy that she

was dating at the time was into this. The mashed potatoes? Yeah, was into the mashed potatoes. Like into penis torture or penis. I don't even know what you call. all it, you know, dick torture. I feel like, if I'm remembering correctly, she dated the guy. This is so long ago.

She dated the guy and the guy one night, they were drunk and they were making love and the guy was like, can you knee me in the balls? Oh. And she said, if I remember the story correctly, and she might, she may be listening. She can refresh my memory if she wants to. And she said, what? And I said, and he said, can you need me in the balls? it heightens the excitement for me.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I was making love to a man. I was making love to a man. And he said, can you need me in the balls? But yeah,

so the mashed potato, go to bed angry. Those all sound like perfectly reasonable requests of a marriage on Mars, I guess. I don't know. I'm still wondering where he's coming from, like literally where he's coming from, which country.

Yeah, we need to do a look on the map. Yeah, or like ancestry DNA or something. I think it's like Kazakhstan. I'm going to say he sounds and seems kind of similar to Borat. At first it sounded like South America, but now it's starting to... I'm going like in the region of Borat. Yeah, it might be. You might be right about that.

I felt like it was South America at first, but over the months, it's turned into something completely different. It doesn't make any sense to me. So there you go. I wanted to say one more thing about the crown. Oh, yes. I wanted to get back to the crown just for a second. I didn't know.

I guess maybe I did. I guess I knew this, but I didn't realize that Princess Diana was like struggling with mental health as much as she was. Bulimia. Yeah. But I had heard she was also like borderline personality disorder. Someone had said once. But the crown does a good job of articulating it.

But that princess, that Prince Charles, he's such a dick. Well, I know. And they actually, that was talking to my best friend the other day, too, about it. They really make the, in the first couple of seasons, especially, Prince Philip is like a total dick, too. He's like flandering around. He is. Yeah. And he's doing stuff and he's mean.

But then he turns out to be like a, yeah, he turns out to be like a nice father. I guess. I mean, he's 99 now. He's 99? He's really old. And in fact, he just got into like a car accident a little while back. He was driving? They let them drive.

That's the other thing that surprised me about the crown is to learn that at some point, not anymore, but at some point, the royals literally like drove themselves around. They'd like come out of the garage and just like hang a left and I'm going to the store. But, you know, I'm going to whoever's house and they just drove themselves around. They didn't have any protection or anything. They did whatever they did. Now as the years go on, you know, you'll see an episode coming up here soon where someone actually broke into the Queens bedroom. That's crazy. And like asked her for a cigarette.

Ask her for cigarette. Wanted to look at what kind of towels she had in the bathroom. Wanted her to know that things were tough there out in the streets. But then, but meant no harm whatsoever. It was just like, I just wanted to talk to you. I just wanted to tell you that things are rough out here. And I mean, there was an elaborate security system that he got through. I mean, the elaborate security system looked like two guys smoking cigarettes outside the wall.

Honestly, that's what it looked like to me. That's true. Elaborate security system. How are you? Just good. How are you? Fine. Okay.

Just having a fact. No problem. Brilliant. There's a man running up the gutter. You know which show I'm into? I'm going to tell you real quick and then I know we got to go. But you know what show that I'm into on Netflix for like the last couple of months? Kath and Kim.

Have you seen this? Have you seen this show? Kath and Kim? No. Okay. Kath and Kim is like, it's an Australian show and it's about a mother and a daughter, like a grown, you know, grown daughter and a mother in Australia. And just like their comings and goings.

This is their average everyday life. It is the fucking funniest show. I swear to God it is. Okay, I'm going to check it out. Kath and Kim. And it's, again, it's Australia. Have you watched Big Mouth? No, not yet.

But I know that I got to get into that. It took me a little while to get into it. Like get past the first couple episodes of the shock of what Nick Kroll is saying. And it's all about puberty. You know, these kids that are really through puberty. And they get real and they have hormone monsters. And it's really, really funny. Okay.

I'm going to watch it. The new season just came out. Is it a cartoon? Yes. Jeff and I were last night just hollering. We were laughing so hard. I liked the In-Betweeners. Have you seen that one?

I have fun. All mine are like British comedies. The In-Betweens are about a bunch of high school guys that are, you know, can't find girls to date and stuff like this. That was a really funny one, too. Again, there's only three or four seasons of each of these shows. I don't understand. Like, if it's a good show, keep it going. Why do you cut me off at three or four?

Yeah. So ridiculous. Well, I wonder what shows are listeners are watching. Info at TCBpodcast.com. That was a perfect segue. Hey now. High five. We're professional and shit.

Yeah. So go ahead in the emails. Let us know what shows you're watching. Ask us any questions. Follow us on the Instagram. Our goal is a couple hundred followers in the next couple of months. I know you can help us achieve that. Please go to at the commercial break at the commercial break on Instagram or at TCB Chrissy or at TCB Brian.

Brian with the Y. Chrissy with a Y. Chrissy with a K. Go there. And follow us. to put new content on almost every day that you cannot get on the show. I mean, you know, you know what kind of content they have on Instagram, pictures and small videos and stuff like that, but we're making an effort. Yeah, we're making an effort to do that because we want this to be our

show. We feel like so many people are listening. We want to, we want you to be a part of it. So that's our only goal. We don't get paid for your Instagram. We don't get paid there anything. We don't get paid for anything. This is a one-way street. Remember how Henry said the communication is a one-way street? This is a one-way street. We keep talking to you. and spending money on it and you do nothing back for it. Not a fucking thing. But maybe someday we'll find, we'll find a way for you to return the favor someday. Yes.

We don't put commercials in there. We don't bother you with all that bullshit while we could. We don't. So look at all this. What kind of wonderful we are? And you can't even like our Instagram page. What kind of listener are you? What kind of friend listener?

What kind of stranger are you? Stranger are. And on that note, Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. She's wearing her Santa shirt. I had my glasses on, but they were piercing my skull with the headphones on.

I know, me too. It happens every day. Every time these glasses just go right into the side of my head by the end by the end of the show. There's a certain point. Like there's a pressure point. That's why I put them up a little bit, right? Just over the thing. We've got to get new headphones.

I think we need those like the inner ear stuff because that stuff is tailor made just for you. so you can like, you know, just put them in there and all that good jazz. Yeah. So, and just let you know in case you're still hanging around here. We are at the last two weeks of the year, the last week in December, Christmas into new years. We are going to be taking off, taking a break to get ready for season two new studio, new, all that stuff. And so therefore you will be hearing season one the best of. I'm going to put together all your favorite clips or all our favorite clips from the last.

If you have a favorite clip, let us know. Yeah. At info at TCB podcast right now. Info at TCB Podcast.com, but you got to let us know soon. Yeah. Don't write us in February and let us know what your favorite clip is. Yeah, but let us know if you have a favorite clip or you have a favorite bit. We used to do the long bits at the beginning of the show.

If you have something like that, we're going to put about four hours of content out at the best of at the end of the year. So we hope you look forward to that. And we'll catch you in the new year. So from Brian and Chrissy to you are strangers. We love you. We love you. We'll all get through this. Bye. Bye.