The Commercial Break - TCB Season Roulette: Season 2

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

EP931: We are going to play a little game....Bryan will pick a random episode from each of the TCB seasons and YOU listen! It's a win/win or lose/lose. You pick! good luck....Today, Season 2 is up to the wheel.  TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hey there, Critters and Sitters, the TCB Season Lottery continues. This week with TCB classics going all the way through six seasons of the commercial break. They said we couldn't do it. They said it would never happen. The naysayers told us no. You'll never get to 10 episodes, let alone a thousand. But despite all indications to the opposite, Chrissy and I continue to do the show. No money.

No listeners. No fame. No fortune. No glory. and very few, if any, laughs. But if we can hang our hat on one thing, it's the fact that we have consistently shown up and given you exactly what you never asked for.

Mom would be proud if mom knew how to get a podcast on her phone. Hi, Brian, it's your mom. So in case you didn't tune in earlier in the week, while Chrissy and I are out of town, I'm doing the TCB season lottery. You're getting one completely random episode from each season of the commercial break. We're on season number two.

I have no idea what you're about to hear, but it's run in its entirety and completely unedited. Surprise! Let's enjoy together and figure out what kind of shit Chrissy and I were up to 17 years ago. And welcome back to WSHIT's continuing coverage of the 2022 Crab Apple mayoral election. Steve's got some callers on the line. He's taking some questions for the mayoral candidates. Let's go live to Steve in the studio.

Hello. Speaking of new faces, I'm generally voted Republican over the years, but recently I've become disillusioned with the party. And I found an independent candidate that's been getting some press lately called These Nuts. And I was wondering what your views on that were, what his chances are. By the way, D's Nuts has been identified as a 15-year-old farm boy named Brady Olson. Well, I don't know about you, but I think Dees Nuts is. the refreshing change we need in office. We'll be back after this commercial break.

On this episode of the commercial break. One of the two ways that we can do this, Chrissy is right, is we can charge, we tried that. It wasn't an incredibly successful venture. It was early on, very early on in like episode number 30.

But we kind of felt dirty about that a little bit. Yeah. Because like, you know, the whole thing about podcasting is let it fly. When exactly did that happen? Right. Episode. Episode 43.

Exactly. You don't have premium, premium content. Like Sopranos level. That's right. You gotta throw some commercials in there. Now, I'm not entirely sure when we were doing Patreon that that was premium content. That's what I'm saying. It wasn't premium content.

Okay. Those episodes have been lost forever, by the way. Never to be found again. Hey, you know something? No, what? I had to work dream last night. Hey, you want here something? Why?

Hey, did you hear about Babe Ruth's Big Homer and the night thing? By the way, I got jizzed all over my underwear. I just came in my pants. Oh, gee, Jimmy. Why haven't I jizzed in my pants yet? What dream? What's that? Oh, you know, the sprung comes out of your penis.

Spurn? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of the sticky stuff. Yeah, that white sticky stuff. I can't get out of my hair. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. I'm Brian Green.

This is Chrissy Haudley, and happy holidays. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of the this, the, the commercial break. The. Don't forget the commercial break. The one and only.

I'm glad you're on board today. I'm glad to do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I'm surprised I don't hear this music in my sleep. But I don't. You will eventually. It's going to be like that McDonald's fry timer. I don't, but I love the music. I just love it.

It gets me in the mood. It's very good. It's, yeah, so now it's time to rock. I like our intros. I like our outroes. I like the guy who does it. I think that part we've done right. Now if we can just get the middle part of the program,

you buttoned up a little bit more. We'll be good. It'll be good. There'll be people listening to us. Don't worry. All in good time. I think by episode number 180. We should break that 10 listener remarks.

Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. For 180. Please stay tuned. So if we're going to get to 10 listeners, we need you involved. We'll be good by them. Yeah, we'll be good by them.

We're just winging it. Winging a prayer over here. Winging a prayer. Winging a prayer. You know, this brings up an interesting topic. Take my hand. We'll make it, I swear. Whoa.

We're going to get 10 listeners here. Yeah. This brings up a fantastic, this is a good segue to my next point, which I wanted to point out a couple weeks ago. Actually, I pointed it out at the end of the show, but I'm not entirely sure how many people stay toward the very end of the show. So I'll put it to the front of the show, so we cover those who stay and those who don't stay. Of our nine listeners, I bet seven of them don't listen to the very, very, very end of the show. Yes. Maybe.

I don't know. Actually, the stats tell me differently, but whatever. A couple of, I got a couple of emails, and those emails weren't negative emails. they were just question marks. Did you know that on such and such platform, there are advertisements running inside of your show? Now, we're not talking about the host red ads, which Chrissy and I actually do,

Chris and or I do inside of the show. But you'll notice that there's a little commercial break for the commercial break. And that's where I stuff all those liners that everyone hated when I was talking for 17 minutes about WW this and WWW that. I remember that. Yeah, that was horrible. I went back and listened to some of those episodes.

I'm like, what are you droning on about? for 26 minutes. I think I would just kind of like zone out and drink my wine. I know you would. But honestly, sometimes a third of the episode was dedicated to telling where people where they could find us additionally when they were already listening to us. Like, why was I doing that? Anyway, now I do it very quickly in the middle of the show.

It's a tape segment. Spotify has asked us if we would be okay with them selling ads on our behalf. and we have said yes, of course, because that's a big deal. In the podcast universe, that's a big deal. Yeah, that is. So as well as the host red ads, sometimes you will hear at the very beginning of the show or in the middle of the show a commercial or two, 15 to 30 seconds a commercial or two. That is us.

We are doing that. We did say yes to Spotify. We know. Yeah, we know. We know. And here's the reason why, in all honesty, is we desperately need the money. and I need some money. We just thought we'd share that with you.

Yeah. I think people get it. Yeah, I think you get it. I don't think I need to dumb this down. Here it is. Yeah, you're either going to pay for a subscription service with no commercials, or you're going to have a free service and hear a couple commercials. Or you're not going to the show at all either way.

I'm not going with that option. Okay, all right. All right. Fair enough. You like the commercial break. And one of the two ways that we can do this. Chris, he is right. We can charge.

We tried that. It wasn't an incredibly. successful venture was early on, very early on in like episode number 30. But we kind of felt dirty about that a little bit. Yeah. Because like, you know, the whole thing about podcasting is let it fly. We didn't have premium content. When exactly did that happen?

Right. Which episode? Episode 43. Exactly. You don't have premium premium content. I'm not. Sopranos level. That's right.

You got to throw some commercials in there. Now, I'm not entirely sure when we were doing. Patreon that that was premium content. That's what I'm saying. It wasn't premium content. Okay. Those episodes have been lost forever, by the way. Never to be found again.

You get it. Well, I did one. We're here. We did five. We did five. Yeah. They're not going to be played anywhere. Maybe we should play them again.

I think at some point we will put like a whole catalog out there of all of the episodes. Like the one we just recorded 30 minutes of and then figured out that we didn't press me for. That's why I'm feeling punching me right now. That's right. with a little extra wine in her. Yeah. You get it. We come here.

Yeah. We take some time, energy, effort, and money to make the show. And now we've gotten to the point where we're able to sell sponsors into the show. And we felt like that was the right move just to compensate us for a little bit of the money that we put out there. It's not a lot. It's not Joe Rogan money. We're not, we're not independently living off of the podcast yet.

But we hope to you someday. And so we really appreciate that you stick. around and listen to the commercials. It's not that big of a deal. It's a couple minutes. And the sponsors give you free shit. So if you like it, you go and use their URLs and codes if you're in the market for it. And we promise we'll never sell anything on the show that we would not use ourselves. So you will not see testosterone supplements, invermikdin or whatever that shit is. You're never going to hear that on our show. It's not going to happen. So just know it. I like everything that we've put on here. Yeah. So far, all the host Red sponsors we've

And we have a little less control over what gets sold by Spotify, but I do have the ability to say, I want this, I don't want that. And so, you know, I just put in basically, I said ED medication is the only category. So now you're going to hear boner medication 24 hours a day on the commercial break. Sweet. That's our target audience, men with erectile dysfunction. If you have a medication for erectile dysfunction, I've got two shows for the commercial break. And then the, like, what's going to? What are all these things they say on the medical commercials?

Please be careful. You could die. Yeah, it could cause. Prophriism. Your penis could explode. You may not be able to ejaculate for six to 12 weeks. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Yeah. Otherwise, totally take it. I know. I love the ones that are like, you know, death is an uncommon occurrence. Uncontrollable diarrhea is one of my favorite. Explosive blood coming out of your ears may on occasion happen. Yeah. If you lose the left eyeball.

Call your doctor. Contact your doctor. Talk to your doctor about a missing nose in the morning. Blind nose. If your teeth start falling out while you're eating soft foods, call your doctor. Talk to him about. It's like, wow. Yeah, they say everything under the sun.

That's the COAA. You know, we're one of the only countries in the world that allows for private medication companies, like private pharmaceutical companies to actually advertise on television. Oh, really? One of the only ones in the world. In Europe, they cannot do that. Probably because I don't live in another country. Yeah. Well, there you go. You cannot do that. I don't know what the TV production companies do when they don't have all that pharmaceutical money. You know what I'm saying? That's true. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's like every third commercial is for this or that or the other thing. And sometimes it's really random medications. Like, you know, if you have erectile dysfunction coupled with, you know, schizophrenia, coupled with breast cancer, call that, you know, you may need, you know, flip open. Flip open helps you stay awake. Flip open. If you're a truck driver,

with one leg driving down the street. You may need them. And notice an itch in your nipple. You may need Fwobopton. Fulbopin has been proven to keep you awake while getting rid of that itchill itch, nipple itch. Just in case you're wondering. Hey, I was thinking the other day. I was thinking about our changing bodies.

You know, I'm getting up there in age. I'm in my late 20s now. And things are starting to. Right. That was also the name of our very first podcast of 2021. Are changing bodies. It's amazing that you still remember that.

That's crazy. And that's a pretty funny episode if you want to go back and listen to it. It's the first episode that we recorded here in this studio. And that's when we say a happy new year. Ah, happy new year. For six months. For six months. And then that second half of the year we flipped to happy holidays.

I was thinking about my changing body as I get a little bit older. And, you know, all the things that come along with a changing body. And it made me think for some reason, think back to puberty. Like, you know, aging happens slowly, but puberty happens so fucking quick, right? Oh my gosh. And there's a really good show. I don't know if you've seen this. It's on Netflix.

It's called Big Mouth. And I've seen a couple episodes. Yeah. Hilarious. Nick Kroll does it. I mean, it's all about puberty. It's done in an animated, animated form. Nick Kroll's so funny.

It's really, really funny. Jeff and I love it. You know, I remember, I remember. The hormone monster is the big thing. I've seen it. I remember when I got hair on my chest. I had hair in my legs extraordinarily early. Like I was 11 or 12 years old when I started getting hairy legs.

And that was not fun in the gym class. I also had a raging heart on every time when the guy asked me to climb the rope and I just told him no. I just literally laid flat on the ground. I just can't do it. Don't put me in coach. Do not put me in coach. There's a lot of stuff that goes on during that puberty. In a very short order of time.

So I remember back to a specific class. that I had back in my Catholic high school freshman year. That is when the Catholics taught you about sex ed was in freshman year of high school. It was taught by the assistant, like the fill in the substitute gym teacher was the guy who taught this class. I'm pretty sure because the gym teacher was like, this is too embarrassing. I can't do it. I'm calling in sick today. Yeah.

I can't ask you to climb that rope and look you in the eyes after I've talked about your boner. The substitute teacher was probably the worst sexual educator that has ever lived in the first 13 seconds of the conversation. He mentioned condoms, dildos, K.Y. Jelly and anal sex. All in one sentence. He just literally blurted it out. He was like, put the condom on some with some K.Y. Jelly. I had anal sex with a dildo. I was like, oh, my God.

I think he was trying to connect with the kids, you know. He was trying to be like, I know what the kids are doing. They're throwing, you know, KY on a cucumber and sticking it up their ass. And I'm like, what? Whoa. You can do that? Yeah, you can. Let me try it.

Hey. You haven't tried it yet? That's called a reverse cucumber. It's called a pickle. It's called a pickle. You throw some vinegar on it and shove it up your ass. Turn into a pickle. That's how they make them for the Chick-fil-A sandwiches.

Unbelievable. I thought they'd be a little bit more conservative over there at Chick-fil-A. I think they are. As a Catholic kid in Catholic high school. You know, we had the video too. Everybody had the video that went along with it. But the video that would have gone along with my particular class would have had to kind of dance around all of the eccentricities of the Catholic religion. Like you can't have sex before marriage.

You can't wear a condom. You know, birth control is a sin. You know, all this other shit that basically they're teaching you sex even though they want you to be scared of the actual sexual activity. They're talking about what happens when you get married. Yes. When you get married. When you get married. In freshman year in high school.

Right. Yeah. That's what they're teaching. That's right. And now I had long since known about sex. I may have even had sex at this point. I'm not even sure. Oh, you had hair on your legs.

I had hair on my leg. Seemed old. So I got, so I went on the internet and I was like, I'm going to see if I can find this Catholic video that they would have been showing around the 90s. You know, because the Catholics, they all just, you know,

they make one and then they distribute it to all the Catholic schools. Right. But I couldn't find it. And what I did find was a smorgishborg, literally, in German, a smorgasbord of sex ed tapes. Oh, gosh, I can imagine. Some of these are extraordinarily, extraordinarily graphic. In Europe, they have a very popular television show put on by the BBC in the British colonies,

but then in Germany they have their own version of it called Sex Ed. And it's a show that runs on the public television. Okay, I like it. And they literally have a naked lady. spread out on a bed and there is a what looks like a doctor she's got a medical coat on anyway

right spreading the vagina lips to touch the clitoris to point to where it is I mean Bravo Bravo for my late night browsing

here in the studio I got it on private browser mode this is not at all what I saw as a child but maybe exactly what is needed I think so because with the porn that's on the other words It's not realistic.

I mean, it's not. It's not realistic for me. People need to be taught that. Yeah. People need to be taught how to have normal, regular sex. With people's changing bodies. With people's changing bodies. That's right.

You got to teach these kids and you've got to show them. There weren't even diagrams involved in my sexual education. It was literally some rotund guy talking to us about where the Vaj was. We were all like, yeah, we know. We got it. It's in between the legs, 10 to 4. and then they try and explain all the holes and stuff like that. Whatever.

You get it. So I went on a hunt to see if I could find one of these educational videos that might have been playing around that time. I really wanted to see, like, I don't remember the video. I just remember the guy who was trying to explain the video to us. So I found some. Would you like to hear? Yes. You make this rather snappy, won't you?

I have some really heavy thing you to do before 10 o'clock. Hi, cats and kittens, Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void, like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-433-3-3-T-B. That's 212433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian, I need a race.

Complement Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans. Or tell us a little story. The juicier, the better, by the way. We'd love to hear your voice. Because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials. At the commercial break on Insta, TCB Podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch...

Oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video. YouTube.com slash the commercial break. And TCBPodcast.com for all the info on the show. Your free sticker? Or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date.

With my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food. Today is pork chop day. I was trolling on the internet. As you do. As I do. Let me get the video here up. Okay.

Now, I can't, I'm not going to give you some of the more graphic stuff. I'm going to stick with the older stuff. I'm first going to listen. We're first going to listen to a sister, a sister, a nun trying to give sexual education to the Catholic kids. Do they have sex? No. Okay. Just want to clarify that.

Nuns? Do they have sex? If you watch HBO's The Young Pope, they're fucking all over the place. They're literally blowing the Pope 24 hours a day, which is a great show, by the way. I need to watch that. It's been on my list. It's incredible. It's such a good show.

But, you know, those sexy nuns, the world's most attractive nuns that ever live, are always in some state of undress blowing somebody, right? Anyway, no, nuns take a vow of celibacy just like the father do, which is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Let's get real. Come on. If I was Selvice, he just leads them down the darker path. We know it. Don't do it.

But here, this nun seems to, she seems to be okay with talking about, you know, the ins and outs. You want to hear? She got, she drew the short straw. She drew the short cock on this one. She may have never even had sex. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, how do you teach about sex? I don't know. I guess you just, I guess someone teaches it to you. And then you say, okay, I can figure that one out. Yeah. But she, I think she. This is an Irish public television video from Ireland, which is why I said Irish. Yes.

Yes, Mr. Green. And here she is teaching us about the birds and the beats. Hello, I'm Angela. And over the next few sessions, we're going to be together talking about you growing up. Your body, it's changes. And a lot more. And I think you're going to find it fascinating. Oh, I'm already fascinated, Sister O'Dule.

It's riveting. My grandma's teaching me about sex. I can't wait. Everything is based on love. And the person who loves us most of all is God. So let's start by asking him to have. Do I have a bonner? Dear God.

God, do I have a bonner? Dear God, can you make my penis work just one more time? That's Frankie B. Hey, God. What do you say about making this shaft get up high, hard, and I haven't, I can have sex with this 30-year-old. Help us to understand about it all. Dear Lord, I want to invite you to be with us as we talk together about growing up. Just about growing up.

That's a broad umbrella that she just threw out growing up. She doesn't want to offend Jesus. She doesn't want to say, dear God, please help us as we talk about, you know, reverse cowboy anal sex. The double star. Please help us as we talk about double penetration with these youngsters, with these 10 to 15 year olds. Oh my God.

Because you are the inventor of people. And penises. You are the one best able to understand us and help us to understand and love one another. And our changing bodies. That was a great prayer. Oh, they're going to. Getting you in the mood here, you notice. This is Cassio 3,000.

Steadyzada! This is the newlywed couple here, and they're showing their love for each other. Oh, newlywed. Yeah, no, that's right. That's right. Good catch there, good catch. By lovemaking. Love making just means making each other feel loved.

Nope. Not in my world. How do you make a person feel loved? Well, you give them kisses and hugs, and you hold. Hold them close. And then you tear off their bra with your teeth. Sugar and spice and everything, nice.

You tear off their bra with your teeth and you get in those edible panties and you go, Ah, ah, oh, sister, you're way off the mark here. Yeah, I can guarantee you whatever Irish kids are watching this are like, come on. Yeah. Really? Yeah. But between a man and a woman, it's a bit different because when they... Man and a woman, man and a woman, have no room for interpretation there.

No. other really close and give a long kiss and a warm hug, they tell each other that they're beautiful and everything like that. And they also have a bit of a laugh because they are the best of friends. Just like Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian. That's right. They have a good giggle at the size of his dingle. And then something happens. In a very short time, because they're so close, The man feels his penis becoming erect. Engorged, in fact. He's been waiting for a lot.

It hurts bad and he needs to release the poison. It's straight, hard. And the sperm coming down into it, like it did when he had a wet dream. I hate that term. By the way, I hate that term. I hate the term. Wet dream, I hate it.

A moist dream? Now, why? I just prefer like a jizz dream. Sexual dream. Yeah, like a drippy dream. Like, I just prefer anything except for wet dream. It drives me crazy. I don't know why.

The sperm is coming into the man's penis. The woman's body is getting ready to receive the sperm. It's amazing, you know, how God made it. Because while they're making love and being happy together, the woman feels her vagina becoming kind of slippery, inside so that the penis can easily slip in and out. I was taking a bath. Let Sister Odur's show you with her old crotchy crotch.

Someone's sister old Dool's age may need a little help, a little jump start. That's why this video is sponsored by Catholic KY, made with real holy water to protect your cock during intercourse. Here's to happy cockin. Happy cocking. No trouble. So he slips. No trouble.

If I was making love to this lady and she was like, don't worry about it. No trouble. No trouble. Just try again. Just try again, Brian. Let me give you a little spanking on your bottom and we'll have a long hug and a deep kiss and maybe a bit of a giggle because we are the best of friends.

And then you can slip it in me in and out. No trouble. Yep, no trouble. His penis into her vagina, gives her the sperm, then she has the sperm. Then the penis slips out. And then tag your it. Yeah, exactly. I was about to say, gives her the sperm, then he runs off.

Yes, it. And then it's her turned to hide. Taggerid. Oh, my God, that was funny, Brian. Yeah, that's about what happens. No takes me back. Slips. Slip it on and boom.

If you can manage to steal the flag from the other person, then you win the game. Who's got the hot potato? Who's got the hot jizz? She's got it now. Now she sits on his face and gives it right back to him. We call this a Jesus chain. Passing the jizz from one Jesus to the other. Oh my God

And that's all That's all That's it No hard to talk about Tag her Tag she's it She runs away And that's it

Never to be seen her From again Oh my god Oh my god That's great Sister O'Doole Thank you very much Good effort

There's more to this But I have all this stuff to get on to So I'll give it a three Yeah what's that Scale from one to ten I give it I win three

She didn't say anything. No, the last thing I know we're hugging, we're kissing, then boom, we're laughing, slips, slide, can I have and jive it? That's all, yeah, that's all folks. Easy. Yeah, no problem. You, you would realize as an adult, now I realize just how little sex education I actually got. Yeah. I got one year of it. I got it for two classes from the substitute gym teacher who was having a hard time even standing in the class and looking anybody in the eye. I mean, can't. Can you imagine like all the young faces looking at you? No, I can't. I know. What does it all mean? What does it all mean? A what? And it was boys and girls in the class.

Yeah. So that was the weird part. I was just girls. Oh, really? Yeah. They separated you guys. I don't know why they didn't separate up. It seems like that's the better way. I don't know. Yeah. That way can be a little more open and free. That way I can imagine. The specific woman's body or a man's body. That way I can look at the back of your head while I'm thinking about a vagina. You have that? You have what? Brian has what?

Wow, that's crazy. Chrissy's doing that? Yeah, you used to like that at the National Geographic magazine. These are boobs. Are they? They don't look like boobs to me. He had a hard time. That guy had a hard job.

Now I look back on it and I think, well, he really didn't have a hard job. This is. the Catholic version, obviously, they're not telling you anything. They don't want you to have sex before marriage. They want you to be informed enough to be dangerous, meaning, you know, know what goes on, but they don't necessarily want you to have sex. So now I want to tell you what the U.S. government was talking about back in the, as early as the 50s. I bet they really have something to say.

Yeah, they really stepped it up a notch. Here you go. You're ready? This is called the Changing Boy or the Boy's Body. the changing boy body. The changing boy body. Something like that. But it's produced by the U.S. government.

Are you going to play this for Matias? No. No. I'm already thinking about this conversation that I'm going to have with Matias. It's a good. And I'm going to be like, use the force sun. Us Greens, we don't need to have a long talk and a big book pointing out diagrams and diagrams and diagrams.

You already have this information right inside your head. That's right. Just let it fly. Just go for it. Dig deep. Yes. Find the back of a rectory at some Catholic church here in the city. Find yourself a nice young lady or man and you two.

Go explore. That's how you figure it out. Go explore. So no, I don't need to have a conversation with the team. I'm already embarrassed, actually. Get out your boners. Go to not. Let your boners fly, boys.

I want you to stand direct for the American flag. Literally. Anky doodle went to town. Yankee doodle went to town riding on my boner. And called it macaroni. There's always some kind of fucking, you know, weird music playing. Here comes to the Cavalry. Hey, not bad.

Hey, not bad, Jimmy. Hey. Good job with that hand shandy you were giving yourself. That's right. Yeah. Coach Joe was watching you. You know what you're doing. You know what you're doing.

Don't need to tell you about sex, son. You handled that like a champ. You kids really poured it on. Hi, I'm Gene Douglas. Ah, good old Gene Douglas. Hey, Gene Douglas. Hi, I'm Gene Douglas. You may know me from such movies as, why you're touching yourself.

And look out for menstruation. I mean, this is my brand new film, The Monthly Curse. Gene Douglas. I don't know. Hey, James. I think he's a movie star, actually. Okay. Yeah, I don't know what movie he was in, but I think he's a movie star.

He's playing a coach, and then there's a bunch of kids, just to give you kind of frame of reference. They're in a track and field, and the coach is now going to point out all of the boys. And these boys, just to let you know, are different shapes and sizes. That's part of my freshman track team. The boys are really working very hard. So are their erections. Everything looks good, boy. Their hormones are also clocking in double time.

Say, maybe you'd like to meet some of them. Oh, boy, would I? Well, there's Bill. He's going out for the high jump. And Jim, the broad jump and sprints, too. Mike is number one boy at the shot foot right now. He's also trying to see how many times he can masturbate in one session. This is hilarious. He's a pretty good distance runner, too.

But Ben's clock the best time for the 440 so far. Polval is George's specialty, but he's giving the high jump a good try too. And Pete, well, he's trying most everything right now. Oh, Pete, what up, Pete! Girls, boys, small animals. Pete's an adventurous young man. Yeah, he's into it all. They make a pretty fair team.

Anyway, they're sure trying hard enough Hey, coach Yeah? I twisted my ankle Oh, is it bad? I don't think so Well, see me inside, will you? Okay

Okay Okay All right Your little shithead Stop complaining Go on then You're so dramatic, Pete Grow up

Come inside Let me teach you about boners Well That came over, I guess Wow, that was loud That was, stop practicing, boys They didn't have an audio mixer back then, apparently. Hey, everybody inside.

Come on. Let's take a look. They say let's take a look. Well, he's wrapping Pete's leg. But I landed sideways. Yeah, I can see. Which leg? Well, what does it matter?

Then I got the joke. Like, honestly, you're worried about that? I don't remember. Watch this video three weeks ago. I'm not sure. I'll put an elastic bandage around it. I'll take a look at it and see how it is tomorrow. Okay?

Why does this always have to happen to me? Some guys never get hurt. Ah, you're just having a little bad luck. Yeah, but... And you're a little shud. You're a clutz. Yeah. You're basically the run to the litter.

Don't worry about it, Jimmy. We'll find a good use for you before long. You'll be digging ditches from no time. Why me? He never gets hurt. Well, Mike's big and strong. Mike's a sexy young man, if you know what I mean. He's built a little different from you, Pete.

He's developed earlier. Yeah, but why? He's not any older than I am. It's not just how old you are. Kids develop a different time. It's how much you masturbate. You got to get the juices flowing. That's right.

Go down and get a J.C. Penny's catalog, son, and look at the Brazier section. The lingerie. Lingerie. Hey, coach, is Mickey Mouse here going to live? Mickey Mouse, listen to you. All right. Bring it Mickey into this? All right.

Settle down. Go beat the shit out of each other somewhere else away from my prying eyes. I know. Mickey Mouse. Why did they throw Mickey in? Well, because I think Mickey Mouse is probably a symbol of like a diminutive human being back then. I don't know. How do I know?

You better get your clothes on. Wait, he was named the whole time. Jesus, Coach. Oh, coach. Yeah. Wow. I'm picturing a whole other scene going on now. I didn't think this was a stag film.

That Mike, he's sure filling out. What? What? He's settled down, Jean. Yeah. That Mike, he's filling out. He's filling out. He's filling out.

Nicely. I've been watching. I love my job. And it won't be long before Pete starts putting on some weight, too. In fact, all these kids are starting to develop now. They're all around 14, 15 years old. And there'll be a lot of changes taking place. By the time they're 18, I'll be ready to ask him out on a date.

Until then, I'll keep a close watchful line. Hey, do your homework? What homework? You know, you're mad. Oh, that? Sure. That couldn't get the last one. Oh, great.

That's the one I was wondering about. Say, what happened to your faith? Oh, this? Oh, this. Pimples. Nothing. Yeah. What if he was like, what do you mean?

I don't know, you just got ugly all of a sudden. You look like a real raccoon, Jimmy. I got myself shaving. Yeah? Maybe I'll start shaving soon. Come on. You better get a move on or we'll be late for clock. Have you ever heard of manscaping?

Yes. Shaving is part of it And there were still other changes Some of these things Most kids knew about While others didn't Hey you know something No what

I had a wet dream last night Hey You gonna hear something? Why did you hear about Babe Ruth's Big Homer and the night thing By the way I got jizz all over my underwear I just came in my pants Oh, gee, Jimmy.

Why haven't I jizzed in my pants yet? You haven't filled out yet? This is not how men talk, by the way. I mean, I don't know. Maybe we did. I'm not really sure. I remember a lot of awkward situations around sexuality back then, but I don't remember sitting on a lawn talking to somebody about my wet dreams.

Wet dreams? What's that? Oh, you know, the spurn comes out of your penis. Spurn? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that white sticky stuff, I can't get out of my hair.

That white sticky stuff I've been collecting in a styrofoam cup in my bedroom. I don't want it to go to waste. I might need it later, if you know what I mean. Say, did you hear Walt Disney got his head frozen? Wow. Oh, my God. Guy's part of a baby. Didn't your brother ever tell you about that? It was part of a baby?

It was part of a baby. He said part of a baby. It was part of a baby. Not yet. Not yet. He never says much about anything. He just goes off in the bathroom and wax off. He never says anything about his wet dreams,

which is probably the more appropriate way to handle it. So that means you can start a baby. It was something new to Bill, this business of nocturnal emissions. Just as... No, nocturnal emissions. That's even worse than what dream. God damn, nocturnal emissions. Not a fucking car

You don't have to You're going to regulate you You don't have to stick a pollution meter on my ass I'm not Killing the earth I'm just jizzing in my undies It's perfectly normal A lot of other things were new

Growing up is a time of change Everything seems to happen at once Uh-uh The coat said it's bland Well you get those in your peers Hey what is it Hey, what is this? I told you if you're going to talk about sex, I wanted to be included in the conversation.

Now, Billy run along. Talk to Uncle Jean. Now, Billy run along. I'm going to talk to these other boys about bonus. Peaty, take your broken leg and run down the street. Oh, taking the afternoon off? Hey, coach, didn't you say it was glands that made guys different? Yeah, that's right.

Well, today in biology class, Mr. Davis said we're all different because of our parents. That's right. I meant the way your body develops in puberty. Puberty. What's that? What's that? Well, that'd take a little explaining. Maybe later, huh?

Yeah, but when? Well, how about at the practice this afternoon? Sure, great. Okay, but we've got work to do now. He says, okay, weird. Okay. Okay. Meet me in the locker room after class, and we'll talk about sex.

Just us boys. Nothing strange about that. Perfectly normal. Don't tell your parents, kids. It's so weird. Why is the coach just giving random sex lessons? Yeah, it wasn't even scheduled. Yeah, my coach couldn't even show up for that day.

He didn't even care. He was like, I'm not going to be a part of that shit. I don't want to teach these kids about their boners. Come on, let's get out there. Come on, fellas. So that afternoon in the locker room, I started answering some of the boys' questions. I owed myself up and I got out a few pictures from me and Nancy. I showed the kids how to go to work, if you know what I mean.

He's at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a message for her, or me or Chrissy, at 212-4333-3-TCB. That's 212-433-3822.

You can be on the show too. Mm-hmm. Just call and say something. Anything. Or text us, and we'll text you're right back. Promise. Then head over to TCB Podcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide.

You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid. Hey, you have that meeting? No, just talking. Sit on if you want to. Do I miss the meeting? Go fuck yourself if you don't.

Did I miss the meeting? I'm sorry, my Gmail's not working. Did somebody send this to me an outlook? Did I get an invite? Where was I? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, boners. And the day we're born.

No two people are exactly alike. Some of those differences are inherited from our parents. See? I said so. Then at puberty, certain glands begin to work, and our bodies begin to change. But where are these glands? Yeah. And what's puberty?

Puberty. You've opened a can of worms here, Gene. Yeah, Jean. Good luck back and into this one, buddy. He thought you're going to sliding on in there. Sorry, Gene. Now you're stuck. But yeah.

What's puberty? What are glands? What is the earth mean? Where did we come from? I have hair in my nose. I'm jizzing all over the place, Gene. I don't know what to do. I'm like a cheese

What is that being? I'm literally like one of those lawn sprinklers At night Gene, tell me Gene Gene, this is the third mattress My parents have had to buy this year I don't know what to do I find the Christmas tree sexy

I don't even know what's going on Mainly though It's a time of change For you it means your bodies are changing From boys to men You mean like having to change The East Demand, ABC, BPD, the East Coast family. You mean like the Grammy Award winning singers?

Boys Demand? I've been having nocturnal omissions to them. Say, when's the guy starting achieving anyway? Oh, there isn't any special age. You're all going to start at different times. That's because everybody matures according to his own body's rules. Yeah. In general, everybody grows broader in the shoulders,

the ribs and the pelvis the penis go ahead and say it jean yeah you've already gone you've already crossed way too many lines we're not worried about that word your arm and leg bones grow longer and so does your back

from the neck to the buttocks like a lizard and the buttocks and you grow a tail like a lizard and you start panted like a dog and you piss on everything like a cat. You know what I'm saying? Good talk, boys. If you're lucky, you'll be a lizard person and control a part of the world's wealth. But everybody doesn't develop at the same time or in the same way. Jim, for instance, is bigger all over than you, Pete. But that just means

he started filling out earlier. You'll catch up. You'll catch up. I'll show you. I've been taking pictures of you boys for a long time. I'll show you how fast. to grow. You want to see? George now is going tall instead of filling out. Mike is more like Jim. Ben will be tall, probably,

and big all over. Well, everybody is just natural. Big all over. What is he? Bigfoot? He's in. Oh, my God. Yeah, Jane.

But Gene is still doing a better job of explaining than Sister O'Doole. Sister Angela. Yeah, Sister Angela O'Dule. A little different. Yeah. But where do these glands come in? Well, it's the sex glands or testes that actually get these changes going.

Here. Here, let me show you. Let me show you, boys. Choo-choo-choo! Now, boys, don't be surprised with my balls drop down to my knees as I let my shorts go. Those are the glands. Those are the glands. And if I didn't keep them tied up, they'd swipe around my shoe.

You ever seen a grown man naked? You ever been to a Turkish bath? Maybe a diagram will help. Did you say diaphragm? Diagram. Mommy gave me one of those for breakfast. Here's the penis. And the scrotum.

Oh, coach, that's not a diagram. That's your actual penis. There's just a hole cut out of the skin. That cardboard, I can see. Sorry, boys. I must have picked up the wrong diagram. One minute. A bunch of clothes on.

Coach, why are your chesties on the table? I'm sorry, boys. Didn't recognize they were there. When you get this old, they just flop out of my short shorts, if you know what I mean. I try and keep them under control, but they've got a mind of their own. That holds the testicles or testes inside. Now, when you're around 14, maybe sooner, maybe later,

the testes start making a chemical substance called a hormone. It's this hormone that causes the changes. It enlarges the penis itself and starts hair growing here and under your arms, and on your face and on your ears and in your nose and in your anus

and pretty sure no one loves you anymore and you're tossed out like yesterday's doze it even affects your voice makes it deeper it also makes you grow thicker or taller or both

that hormone is that what you call sperm what's a hormone Is that what Jimmy plays in the school band No, that's a trombone, not a hormone. Jean. Jean's doing a good job, actually.

He's doing the best he can. Under the watchful eye of the FBI. Sperm is something else. Sperm is made in the testes, too. Do you all know what sperm is? Yeah, it's the guy's part of the baby, isn't it? That's right. But how does it get out from the testicle?

Oh, here we're right. There we go. Oh, now we're talking. Now you're really putting Gene to the test. Now time for a little show and tell. Have you ever met Mrs. Jean? She's going to help us with a little demonstration. I like to call, bear backing for the boys.

Tubes here. There's one from each testicle. Goes up, down again, through a storage place. Through a storage facility. It goes to the local you, And it comes back. You know, you know, do you know Donovan from the

from the hardware store? He seconds as a delivery boy. You put your jizz in a cup and then he runs into the storage facility. And then when the woman's ready, he literally tosses it in there. That's how babies are made in 1952. And out into the penis. Now when the penis arrests,

gets hard. The sperm can come out In what's called An ejaculation See here, look This is how it works This is a photo from last night What's flying toward

Mrs. Jean's eyeball Sejaculation I love these Polaroid cameras These newfangled cameras are great What do you mean? Well, I mean, sometimes the penis gets hard without, well, oh, without an ejaculation of sperm. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Boys, you're about to run the gauntlet. You don't even understand. You can expect to have a boner anywhere. Literally anywhere. Yes. You can. You could be at the local diner ready to eat your flapjacks, and there it is. Flapjacks.

Now, you're not attracted to the flapjacks, are you, Jimmy? I don't think so. No, that's just your bono. That's another kind of batter. Showing you who's in charge. That's a different kind of batter. That's right. You see, all an erection is is an increase in blood in the penis, which is made up mostly a spongo.

Yes. Now, when something excites the sexual... Yes, it's made up mostly of sponges. The kind of your mom washes dishes. Yeah. God. God literally stuffed a few sponges in your penis. Now, boys, you may notice when you get in the bathtub, it fills up real big.

Just wring it out when you're done. Sponges. Yeah. Well, I mean, they had certain words back then, yeah. This tissue fills up with blood. And the whole organ is extended or hard. They're erect. Sometimes that just happens by itself, doesn't it?

You know, like in the morning? No. You know? Morning. You know what I'm thinking about my cousin? Say, is it wrong to have sex with your cousin, Jean? What's a cousin? You don't have to be thinking about sex to have an erection.

Pressure from a full bladder can cause it. The rhythmic movements of the body. Horseback riding safe. Horseback riding. riding. What? I've been horseback riding. I've never gotten a bone or horseback riding.

I was about to say I think that might be more woman that would get maybe. Yeah, because of the pressure on the clitoris. But, you know, I've never, I mostly get pain in my balls. It's not something I enjoy, actually. Riding a horse can be tough on your nuts sack. I bet it is. Yes, George. There's an erection.

Well, does that mean you have too much sperm and you ought to get rid of it? It's poison. That's the poison. That's the. Yeah, you got to get it out. That's what you tell the girls. Now, boys, that's what you tell the girl. You say, if I don't get it out, I'm going to be sick. Yeah. And I have to go to the hospital and you don't want me to go to the hospital, do you? Yes, this is teaching a generation.

No, Jimmy, I sure don't. What do you say? I give you a few rhythmic motions up against your leg and then everything will be fine. It's easy. No problem. Coach said ride you like a horse. No problem. Do you mind getting on all fours that I'm going to sit on top of you? Just pretend you're a horse. It's not sexual. Not every bono is sexual, but I do have to let the poison out.

Get rid of it? No. But sometimes your body will do that by itself. At night, it's called a nocturnal emission or wet dream. Does that? Well, I was told I had something to do with pimples and stuff. Is that right? No.

No, you see when you reach puberty and all these changes start taking place, There are a lot of glands involved Not just the sex plans For instance It sounds like there's a helicopter overhead I know I'm sorry I know it's so bad I totally understand

A few more minutes we'll get through it TMZ is hovering above gene They're hovering over the commercial break What are they talking about today Like some other people Who do nothing But listen to the commercial break For their ideas

Stop it. I want to take a moment and tell you to stop it. Stop listening to my show for your ideas. Get an original thought. I realize that there's an... I realize that there are only so many topics we all got to go on, and there's a million comedy podcasts. But at least you could wait an additional week before you... I mean, you're literally going back to back. Yeah.

Literally. Can you stop it? You know who you are. There's one in the back of the brain called the pituitary. And then there's a thyroid gland here in the neck. That's making Bobby fat. He's filling up. too much. He's filled out too much. Enough of those ho-hows and ding-dongs, Billy.

Now, some things about these glands are still a mystery. But we do know that a hormone from one can affect the others. And in a lot of people your age, this may partly cause skin trouble. Well, what can you do about it? Oh, if it really bothers you, you should see a doctor. He'll tell you what to do. He'll get lysic acid and put it all over your face. To tell you to stop being a big baby. Everyone gets zits, Jimmy. It's just a, it's just life. It's going to be cleared up pretty well these days. Hey, it's about time.

Hey, can we go on with this tomorrow? Yeah, how about it? Sure, okay. Come on down early, huh? Come on down next early. Yes. Coach Gene. We're going to skip practice tomorrow.

We're going to skip practice and talk about your boners. Yep. Oh my gosh We're only through part one So we'll have to do a different We'll have to do it another day But this is Thanksgiving week And so we don't want to bore you

With all sex ed talk We got a special episode on Friday About Thanksgiving for you And yeah Well if we're playing this after No we're playing this before Thanksgiving And then we have a special Thanksgiving Playing this tomorrow

Okay, got it. Well for you, it doesn't matter Just don't even worry about it Yeah Don't even worry. Semantics. Just know that we're trying to teach you a little bit of sex. Yeah.

That's it. Well, I do have to say that Gene was a much better coach than Angela was. I mean, oh, well, for sure. I learned more from Gene than I learned from Angela. But I didn't expect anything else. But we're just mostly learning about just only the man body. Yeah, the part two gets into the woman body. Oh, okay.

So we'll have to listen to that. I would be interested to see what Gene has to say about that. There's lots of, you know, there's a movie called The Curse, which is about your menstruation. And then there's a movie where everyone calls menstruation, menstruation, menstruation, which is really, like, weird to me. And I wish that they would just say menstruation instead of menstruation. Yeah, I hate when people, well, it's actually spelled like that, but I still hate that they say it the correct way.

Tries me crazy. It's like nails on a chalkboard. And then there's ones about, you know, the vulva, the vagina. Listen, we'll get to it. Well, you might even have Dr. Sin back. That might not be a bad idea. Maybe she'll listen to one of these videos with us, and then we can all learn together.

I think so. Yeah, I think Dr. Sin is probably much advanced from this information. Dr. Sin has an episode. You can go back. I think it's in the 80s somewhere. Dr. Sin has an episode. She is a sexologist and a gynecologist. And she came in one day to teach me how to make a woman happy.

Still didn't work. We might need to bring her back. Astrid wants her back. Yeah, Astrid wants her back. All right, TCBPodcast.com is where you go. You find all the show notes. Read more about Chrissy and I. Listen to all the audio.

Watch all the video. all from one location, TCBpodcast.com. I want to thank all of our sponsors and advertisers for being on the commercial break. We sure do appreciate it. You can go to TCB Podcast.com and get all of the URLs and codes

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We appreciate it so much. And we say, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. Happy Thanksgiving. There you go. I'm grateful for you, Brian. I'm grateful for you. And I'm grateful that we're alive and we're well. And we have our health for the most part.

And grateful for this podcast and our listeners. For sure. These listeners are amazed balls. The TCB family is amazing. That's really fun. Enjoy it. Have a good time with your family and your friends. Don't get too drunk.

Or do. Or do. Just don't drink and dry. Of course. That's all right. We're too old for that shit. We're 12. Come on.

Even if you're 21. She's smart for that. Yeah. So don't drink and drive. I got to tell you about the accident I almost got in. I'll tell that story on a different episode. I literally almost died, a flying car in the air. Wow.

And if I had not just pressed the gas pedal, I'm sure I would be in the hospital right now, for sure without a doubt. Anyway, that's it. That's it. I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe.

And until next time, Chrissy and I always must say, bye. Bye.