The Commercial Break - TCB Season Roulette: Season 3

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

EP932: We are going to play a little game....Bryan will pick a random episode from each of the TCB seasons and YOU listen! It's a win/win or lose/lose. You pick! good luck....Today, Season 3 is up to the wheel.  TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If you asked me to pick a season that was my favorite to do here in the room, it would be season number three. Why, pray tell Brian, was season number three your favorite to do? Well, quite frankly, I think we broke down a video like every single episode, making it extraordinarily easy. Sit back, watch TV, make fun of some goofballs with my best friend Chrissy. Now, that was not a sustainable podcast model for a thousand. episodes. But as far as shits and giggles are concerned, there was lots of shitting and lots of giggling in season number three. So as we roll on with the TCB season lottery as Chrissy and I complete our 12th vacation of the year, I honestly have no idea what's coming. Well, that's not true.

I'm lying a little bit. Because all of these files are stacked on a server and at one time, we were putting the names of the episodes on the covers of the episode, like the thing you see on Spotify or Apple, the cover for that particular episode, had the name. So I managed to sneak a peek. I know everyone's going to be delighted at the completely random episode I picked. I'll give you a little hint. Rar! That I won't age soon if I get dude, boy, dude, you down the don't enjoy it.

Enjoy. They are now going back on the conclusion we have all rightly drawn about the shape of the planet we live off. And by people, I mean, idiots. On this episode of the commercial break. Yes, ma'am, what's the problem? I tied Jeff up by his penis and he's hanging from the balcony. It's turning purple. Can you get up here quickly? Never said I was after a big foot.

I'm after all you can eat Hardy's buffet. But they won't let me in since I don't have a body. Leave the fucking talking to a minimum. Wow, discovery plus. minimum. What's the minimum exactly? Minimum. Even to a minimum.

I just don't want to make anybody upset. So we get some clarity on that. Do you have a memo? The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Thanks for Katz and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and co-host.

Chris and Joy, hopefully best to you, Chris. God's to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this, It's the commercial break. They keep coming, Chrissy. We keep making them.

It's not for everybody, but fact news or fiction is guaranteed. In 30 seconds or less, go to the TCBpodcast.com website to collect your earnings. How are we not? How have we missed? How is it possible that we have not discussed Army fucking Hammer? Yeah. Do you know what the fuck is going on with this guy? I was reading about it a little while back.

It was bizarre. I just started, I'm 15 minutes in to this Netflix, or is it not Netflix? discovery documentary about Army Hammer called House of Hammer. I am 15 fucking minutes in and I am highly disturbed. He's a cannibal. He wants to eat people. He wants to tie them up and eat people. He, there's no fun to be made of this. But there's this one girl that he's like, he meets these chicks online. He starts in, Instagram. Intensely like love bombing them, right? Like every minute of the day he's texting them. This one girl described it. There was no possible room for anything else in my life because I was in

constant communication with Army. Meanwhile, he's fucking married. Yeah, I know. And one of the girls that he liked some photograph that she took, you know, years ago, Instagrams her. They start getting into a relationship. And then he texts her the following. I have this fantasy that I'll tie you up in the middle of a park and you can be free to

anybody that walks by. Yes, I read that. Like to have sex with anybody that walks by. I know. That's one, fuck that. That's wild. That's insane. Now, people have weird fetishes.

Oh, yes. Totally get it. We discussed them on the show before. We've discussed all of them. I think we've covered every fetish possible. We miss that one. We miss tying you up and letting you have sex with everybody in the park. Yeah.

That is insane. That's insane. And then he's talking about cutting people up and eating them. Like he wants cannibalism is a fetish of his. Yes. This guy is like, cool, coo, ooh, he's out there, man. I know. And it's a whole backstory too with like his family.

The hammers were, they owned Occidental Petroleum. which was a $16 billion company back in the 70s when $16 billion meant something. It was like trillions. But all of the males in that family all have like these dark, twisted, weird. They're all. It's the dad and the grandfather. Why is it that the psychopaths always get rich? You know what I know?

I think you have to be a psychopath to get that rich. Because you got to step on people and lie, cheat, and steal. Yeah, you don't get that rich without fucking stepping on a couple dicks. You know what I'm saying? You have to be an asshole to get that rich. or if you're not an asshole to get that rich, you're an asshole once you get that rich. You know what I'm saying? But this guy is wild, man.

He's wild. Now he's living in the Cayman Islands and he's selling time shares. What? Army Hammer is now selling timeshares. Of all the things that are weird about this story, this is it. He is literally the heir to a billion dollar fortune. And he's living in the Cayman Islands selling time shares at like a resort. Okay.

Strange. Hey, do you want to buy a time share? Do you mind if I eat your toe? Is it okay if I eat your toe? I'll tell you what, I'll give you a 10% discount if you let me bite off your nipple. Just a nipple, one. I'll give it back to you what I've done. So, fuck up.

He's into this, like, Japanese rope tying. Oh, I've seen that. Shakudo or something. That was on the Netflix show, the Sex Room show. Oh, yeah, okay, okay, yeah. I haven't watched it, but I know what you're talking about. They showed how to do that on there. The sacudo or whatever it is?

Jeff and I were watching it. Suduko. That's Suduco. You do a Suduco puzzle. You do a Suduco puzzle and then you cut the circulation off to your left breast. Jeff and I were watching that, I was like, you know, I mean, that looks interesting. However, I feel like I would miss a knot or something. I just kill somebody. Chef's like hanging from the balcony.

I know. Sorry, hon. I don't know how to get you down. I would feel confident in my nodding skills. I can see. Chrissy in 104. Yeah, I need maintenance. Yes, ma'am, what's the problem?

I tied Jeff up by his penis and he's hanging from the balcony. It's turning purple. Can you get up here quickly? We'll send the maintenance guys right away. Yeah. Maintenance! You see how is Dick turning purple? What do we do about that?

Give it mouth to mouth. That's, it's fucking weird, man. It's fucking weird. I don't get to violence in the bedroom thing. It's just never has been any. that I'm interested in. I understand it, and I have friends who are into it. I one time lived with a dominatrix and a, like, what do you call the submissive?

Like, when I was in a band for like two weeks, we all lived in this house. I became their singer like, yeah, it was a band house. It was so bad. I mean, it was just like, it was the, it was the, it was a typical band going nowhere situation. Right. They were looking for, I told you this. It wasn't the grateful dad.

in their house in San Francisco. It wasn't, no. It could have been had we had any actual people that wanted to listen to the music. It could have been. Those guys, like, the second they started playing music, they were filling arenas. It's crazy their story, right? That's just one of those, like, Kismet type things. But they put out this newspaper.

I told you the story. They put out this newspaper, like in one of those creative loafing. They put an ad. I showed up. The guy didn't expect me to show up. Then I sat around. I became their singer overnight, and they asked me to come live with them. And so I live with them.

Basically, in 24 hours, I go from, you know, living in a corner somewhere to living in this bandhouse. Well, the bassist had always was kind of dressed weird, like in some leather with lipstick and eye shadow and, you know, painted fingernails. Back at a time when that was strange, back at a time when that was not the norm. But I thought it was cool. But what I didn't realize is about a week in, his girlfriend, who was beautiful, would come in all dressed in, like, patent letters.

and you know and I started hearing noises in the back room it was his house we all lived in I started hearing noise in the back room and the drummer we were him and I were like sitting in the living room watching TV or something I'm like what is going on with you know schnitzel tits and his girlfriend back there he goes oh you don't know but she's a dominatrix and he's a submissive so there's some stuff going on back there you know we just kind of ignore it we let it run right it is his house yeah it is his house and so he would go to like the kitchen and she would be she would have him on a leash It was fucked up, Chrissy. Yeah, a lot of people love that.

But they explained it to me. They tried to. Explain it to me what was going on. And I just never really got into it. It was never my thing. Like, I just never thought violence was the thing. I'm kind of a boring lover. I like a missionary style and tell me you love me and caress my forehead.

I'm not into whips and chains. You put somebody up on a walker. Yeah. That's right. I'm not into Sudoku. Sudoku is not my thing. I don't want you to tie me up by my dick. But Army Hammer is all about this stuff.

And these women, I feel bad for the women. Yeah. The women, some of which... They got roped in. Literally. Chrissy's on fire today. Look at that. They are on the documentary and they're sharing all of their messages back and forth.

They're sharing all this information with the documentarian. And it is really fucking intense some of the stuff that he said. He just loved bombed the shit out of them and then turned into a monster like overnight. Like they, the second that he thought they were leaving, then he really turned into a monster. and I kind of demanded that they start getting, pushing the envelope with all these weird things that he was doing. That's crazy. Well, I mean, it happens. I've been love bombed before.

Me too. It's like, you know. It is intense. And then you get used to it and you kind of then are expecting that. And so. Yeah, but then they yank it away. Right. Yeah.

And it's like when you. Like a relationship with an egotomaniac, right? Narcissist or someone with, you know, borderline personality disorder. That's what you do. They love bomb. and then they take it away from you. Then they love Bob again and then they take it away from you. And it makes you think you're fucking nuts.

It does. You're like, holy shit, what the fuck is going on here? I thought everything was cool. Yeah, you feel like the best person in the whole world. Like, I'm so loved and they can't get enough of you. Yeah, then you like make the peanut butter and jelly sandwich the wrong way. And it's a 15-day argument that's like super intense about how shitty of a human being you are.

And you start to lose your sense of reality. It's really weird. So I understand what these, I kind of understand. I mean, I'm not, I didn't go through this kind of violence and weird picadillo's in the bedroom. But these girls really, they got roped in, literally, they got roped in. And so it's fascinating. You got to watch. I'm only 15 minutes in and I'm already like, holy shit, this guy is fucking fucked up.

I mean, I don't have Discovery Plus. It's the one thing I'm holding out on. I know. I know. I've already, now, now I got Peacock and Paramount Plus. This TV alone is worth $7,000 a month. Hulu, yeah, like everything. I paid less.

for the $100 for the 100 inch. You have cable too? Yes, because Jeff likes to watch the Braves. Oh my God. So we had to get the stand-all that was only offered on cable. I know. We're the same way. We got Disney Plus.

We got Discovery Plus. We have Paramount Plus. We have, you know, TLC. I'll give you my login. And I'll give you my login for Peacocker or any of them you would like. I'd like, I'd like, I want Hulu. You have Hulu? Have Hulu.

I want Hulu. I'll trade you my Discovery Plus for Hulu. Sounds good. And you know, my dad. love him to death. He has all, like, all of my logins. So his entire entertainment is just running on my login. And you know they're going to stop that someday.

Netflix is already yanking it away from people, which I think is a horrible move. But you can allow a certain amount of users. Yeah, you're up to five or something. And you can now, they allow you to, I saw this last time I was looking at Netflix, like in my account services or whatever the settings. They say, share your login with a non-household member, right? For a $1.99.

So essentially they have like this discount plan where you can share your login. You can give it to someone outside of your IP address for $1.99. I think this is a horrible move on behalf of Netflix. You know, Netflix is starting to talk about commercials inside. Yeah, I saw the commercials. It's really weird. No, no, no fucking commercials. That's what we're paying.

It's like the first time I got serious for Howard Stern. I was like, okay, now finally, I'm in Atlanta. I can listen to Howard ad free. And four hours of talking. And next up on the commercial break. Here's our next. Here's our next ad. This episode of the commercial break brought to you by SiriusXM.

Sirius XM for all your... Sirius XM. You can listen to the commercial break anywhere, but Sirius XM. Maybe we should actually get the TCB minus up and running. This episode brought to you by TCB minus. Not yet running, but $4.99 a month. Maybe we should. But the thing is, I think we're about to hit some economic headwinds,

and I think people are going to start shedding this shit, and right. And now they're talking about destroying HBO Max. It's a whole fucking thing. Why would they do that? It's one of the best apps out there. Why would they do that? It really is. I know. Because they got bought. It was like Time Warner. What a mess. What a mess. How did we allow Discovery to buy Time Warner? How did we allow that to happen? I don't know. How did we allow the people that brought us 90-day fiancé and Dr. Pimple Popper to take over the HBO? HBO that brought us some of the best television shows ever. And now it's going to all go away. And you know what the best part about HBO

Plus is adult swim. That's the best part about age. You can go back in their whole catalog. Oh, I love adult swim. Jesus. I'm like a 14 year old boy who doesn't have any friends. I sit around watching adults stream. You know what the craziest part about adult swim is?

They have like these, they literally have television channels on the app that you can only watch on the app or online. And they stream 24 hours a day. And they're just fucking weird. They're just weird people doing weird shit for 24 hours. That kind of shit turns me on. I love it. I don't like the Sudoku tying up. Who works for adult swim.

Yeah, it's a show over there. Don't you think it would be a perfect fit for adult swim? Yes. Or even those watchers too mature for the commercial brick. I think you might be right. Well, hey, listen, it's not for everyone. It's not for everyone. Hey, Chrissy.

Yes. It's been a while. And we've had some, I saw some reviews talking about this. And then I got a couple of text messages. And okay, okay. one of frankly b is certainly the person we talk about the most on this show he's he's got the most episodes in commercial break history i think he's up to nine okay but right behind it with six i think is mountain monsters oh yeah mountain monsters you know the show you know it you love it chissy and i

just we just love this show it's about a couple of it's a couple of overweight hillbillies that run around field run around fields of shaky camera views yeah and try and find all kind of different monsters. You can imagine. Bigfoot, the red lady, the timber wolves, the walking wolves. Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Paul, Paupor. Who literally comes at the call of a harmonica. Yes. I mean, this show is ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous. It is one of the funniest satirical. If you watch it, I think, as intended, which is a satire show. It is too fucking funny. If you're taking this seriously, you need to get a hole put in your head and get your brain drag. because this is not real.

Yeah, they never find it. They never actually find it. They have a shaky cameraman. Oh, guys, come on. Yeah, this is a businessman who never said to them. I mean, this is bullshit, right? I mean, there's nothing scary out here. There's a Walmart right there.

What are we scared of? I'm more scared of the Walmart than I am in this field. People get killed at the Walmart. One of the things I've noticed is that the more seasons that come out, the more ridiculous this show gets. At first it was almost... Yeah, it was Bigfoot, you know, and they chased that, and there was a crazy wolf. The whisper wolf. The whisper wolf. And then they had like the timber reds or something in the West Kentucky. Well, it's like content for us. Oh my God. It's hard. I know. It's hard to come up with it. There's only so many monsters out there. But this is brilliant. Yeah, this is true, right? There's only so many

monsters out there, you've got to start making shit up. Now, it's a full-blown drama about a couple of overweight hillbillies that run around with a shaky camera. It has gotten ridiculous. And I found an episode that I just can't even wrap my head around how anybody would be sitting at home and believing any of this. But you know that there are people who are fully convinced that Mountain Monsters is a scientific show based in fact and reality.

But without further ado, I was strolling on the internet. As you do. like to do. And I came up with what I think might be the best mountain monsters yet. Oh my gosh, I'm so excited. The boys are getting kidnapped, Chrissy. We're going to take a ride with it. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too? You know you do. Leave a little. message for her, or me or Chrissy, at 212-4333-3-T-CB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too.

Mm-hmm. Just call and say something. Anything. Or text us and we'll text you're right back. Promise. Then head over to TCB Podcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. And watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Best to you. And Astrid, especially Astrid. Let me just press play.

Okay. We're in Wood County, Virginia. Oh. We're in Wood County, West Virginia. And that road team pushed all three of our guys in the back of that fan. Me and Wildville's got a haul ass across this field. They threw all three of our guys. So what we're jumping into right now is that three of the Mountain Monsters crew,

that would be Billy Yeah Billy What was the other guy's name The one of the big beard Croc, croc-c-c-cow? No, not crook-crow Huckleberry

Huckleberry Billy and the other Huckleberry Huckleberry one Huckleberry two And then Billy I don't even know What he doesn't talk Well this guy's Willie

Yeah this guy's Willie We don't talk to Willie much Willie's His eyes are crazy I know Willie hasn't negotiated a great contract With Mountain Monsters yet He's like a sub

He's like a bit player But what we're jumping into is they've been kidnapped. The three main characters have been kidnapped in the back of a white van, and it's all being filmed by the way. Because that's what you do when someone's getting kidnapped by gunpoint. You film it. Don't worry about that phone call to the police. It's going to be great content.

Oh, guys, I'm just going to keep shooting. We need to deliver a couple episodes over there to discover it. Plus. Oh. Oh, let's go. Hold on one second. Go. Damn, don't you feel alive?

The kidnapper? Yeah, the guy's a kidnapper. That's right. I don't know what his name is. I saw my craft services a couple minutes ago. He's real nice guy. He's got two kids in a wife. He's just doing this for money.

They're going to bail him out when this is all said and done. I'm just going to shake the camera real fast in the dark, guys. What do you think about that shot? All right. What? Where are we going? We'll go for a little ride. Because that's what you asked the kidnappers. Where are we going?

Like you're sitting around drinking a beer. Hey, where are we going? Taco barrel now, shut up. I got two for one. Shit yourself burritos. Somebody wants to talk to you guys. Somebody wants to talk to them. Let's go, cool.

Let's go. Let's go. Him brother willing to beat feet over and getting boxed truck. and follow him. Wild. The fuck did he just say? I don't know his name's Wild Bill. Nobody said it loud.

They always scream. It's kind of like the commercial break. Everyone's always screaming. We're the only backup team's got. We've got to catch up with him, Bill. Tell what, tell him. I see him now. Stay back.

I don't want to get you close. Getting them breaks. Stay back. Stay back. They can't see your headlights if you're more than four feet away. They're in the middle of a dark field. They're right behind this truck that's been kidnapped. They're saying, stay back, stay back so you don't get noticed.

You don't get noticed. You're the only thing for miles. You're driving a truck with headlights on it. You don't think the kidnappers are smart enough to look behind them? Only stopping, bull. I got to take a piss. I drink too much mountain, do you? I'm all humped up on white claw.

I got a pee. I got a bladder. Like a three-year-old. Now you can have your camera back. Take the hood off. You don't know where the hell you're right. They're hooded. Wait, they drove exactly 15 feet down the road.

And he's like, you don't know where the hill you're at. Let me take a guess. There's the camera crew. So I'm assuming we're just a little yonder down from where we were. Then the guy's saying, the kidnapper is saying, you can film all you want, big boy. Yeah, big bo. Here's your camera back. Why is he giving him?

They're all big boys, by the way. Yeah. I don't think we should throw stones in a glass house here, buddy. First of all, second of all, you could have your camera back. I know. Why? Okay. I don't know. Nothing says smart kidnapper, like literally handing them a camera for evidence. Boy, say, geez.

The fan stops, a guy gets out and comes back and gives us our camera. We must be so far out that it don't matter if we start recording, because no one's going to recognize what we're at anyway. What? What? How good fuck was that? What? That doesn't make any sense. We must have gone to Portugal.

No one's going to recognize these three hillbillies in the middle of the hoods. I think his reasoning was a little slim on that. Yeah, I was. If you have a camera and you're videotaping everything, including the faces and the voices. I'm confused. The kidnappers. Let's give a recap. The kidnappers kidnapped.

Kidnappers kidnapped. Three. Three of them. One of them is maybe wild bill. Wild Bill. Huckleberry 1. Huckleberry 2 and Billy. Okay. Okay. Sorry. And then they've stopped now. They've stopped.

And he goes, nobody's fucking moving. Yeah, no one fucking move. You guys won't know where we're at. We're so far out. They literally drove 15 yards down this down the street. Yeah. And they're giving them their camera back. Yes. They're giving them camera back. There might be method to these guys, Maddus. These are, we're talking about world-class criminals. Sophisticated. That's where you find world-class criminals in the middle of a field in West Kentucky.

Yeah, I'm going fine. Keep the fucking talking to a minimum. You guys have no idea. Leave the fucking talking to a minimum. Wow, discovery plus. Leave it to a minimum. What's the minimum exactly? Is it three to five sentences?

How many do you want in that minimum? Even to a minimum. I just don't want to make anybody upset. So we get some clarity on that. Do you have a memo? What you've done got yourself into? He's making a left. He's making a left right.

Here we go, guys. What are they stopping for? He's on a little bit, then we see what's going on. They come home. Oh, man, he is a big boy. Yeah, he is a big boy. Billy, the main character is in the back of a white man. He's got a burlap sack over his head like the rest of them do.

And he is huge. Yeah, with that burlap sack, it just looks like one large bag of potatoes. You know what I'm saying? We're home. We're home. All right on out there. All right now, you guys ease on out of here. Don't anyone hurting themselves.

Don't get on hurt yourself. Remember, keep it to a minimum. That's right. My insurance premium went up ever since that tree fell on the house, so you guys be careful. You're on a stool? Let me put some pillows down behind you. Back up, camera.

Back up. Let's go check. I see you in there. Why doesn't camera just run for help? Why is he still filming? This is so realistic. God. Well, I hope we meet again, guys.

Right now I'm getting led into this old creepy. Boy, I hope we meet again. You guys have been real sweet to me. Can I get your phone numbers? Follow me on Instagram. Can I have your IG? It gets lonely out here in the woods. I'm Huckleberry number 14.

Nice to meet you. We have no idea what these guys want or what the hell they're capable of. Cameraman, you get rid on and we've got to get to them guys. We got to sneak through the woods with all this lighting equipment. Make sure they're going to get to him. Oh. We're going to our camera guy. What are they going to do anyways when they get in there?

Like, save the day? You have to wait and see. Okay. Settle down, Astrid. All we do. That cabin should be right up here. Me and brother, Willie, we're recon around this cabin. We're going to get up there and put an eyeball on.

See what the hell is going on with our team member. We're going to start shooting indiscriminately into the cabin and killing people. You've got to get our eyeball on it. By the way, what you've got is you've got three people inside, three kidnap people inside a cabin right now. With two kidnappers. With a cameraman and a cameraman. And a kidnapper. Two kidnappers.

And then you've got two other billies. There's a lot of billies. You've got two other billies outside with guns sneaking up on this property because they're going to come and save the day. I'm assuming that's what's going to happen. Go easy, guys. Go easy, guys, go easy, guys, go easy. I got a bad nut. My left testicle was taking off

in an unfortunate crow-crow accident. Oh, my God, sit out. Go easy, guys. That's how you talk to the kidnappers. Go away. What's all the fuss about? Why are you guys getting so upset? Yeah, come on, big boy.

Oh, yeah, come on. It's pitch dark. They slam us down into these chairs. I can only imagine what's going to happen next. Yep, you're going to get in the ass. I can only dream about what's going to happen next. They're going to loob me up. Oh, okay.

All right. Yeah. Holy shit. The light kicks on. right in our face. You can see a mirror on the wall and you can see a speaker and a camera. I've never seen a place like this. You've never watched

an episode of Law and Order. You've never seen an interrogation room. Come on, man. A light, a mirror and a speaker. And a speaker. I can only hope what's going to happen next is going to happen. And I know what's going to happen, Chrissy. So here goes.

It looks like an interrogation room. Why are we here? You'll find out. soon enough. I love how it went from black and white to color. Yeah. Well, once the light came on, then they turned off their night vision goggles. That's right.

What are we doing here? You're going to do some yoga poses for my Instagram. We're starting an only fan's page against your will. Now, Buck, get those pants off real quick. Well, I tell you what, if you felt, if you sit back, you're doing the show. Sit back and enjoy the show. Sit back and enjoy the show. I'm picturing like this old peep show.

Yeah. And now Justin Beaver. And now Army Hammer performs his one-man play called Sudoku. Live from the Cayman Island. Yeah, live from the Cayman Island. Enjoy boys. This whole situation is weird. You don't say, Buck.

You don't say. Get up and walk out of here at any time. But if we want answers, we got to see what's next. We got to watch the show. We could literally get up and walk out of here at any moment. But I don't know if you notice, but I'm not too good at walking. And I probably won't get very far without a Taco Bell stop. This is episode of Mountain Monsters brought you by Taco Bell.

Try our no fuego sauce. They need answers. There's somebody in there. So what's going on now is the three boys are lined up in a, like a cabin made at Home Depot. They're lined up in front of a mirror. And what they're hearing, they're hearing noises behind the mirror. So I'm assuming there's something back there that's soon going to do something to them. Yes.

Hello? Hello? Hey! Who's that? It's me, Carl. What's going on, guys? I just want to give you a call and let you know that my little piece, rocking it for Jesus. It's also rocking it for you.

These things that you don't talk about, these weird things, we don't believe about it. We don't believe any of that here at my church. But I just want to let you know, you're one big boy and you need a ride. You know what I'm saying? You need a ride, buck. What if I drop some cash right on your front door? the picture of my little P My preaching penis

What he? Hashtag preaching penis Carl, I bet Carl's a love bomber Oh yeah, oh, I'm a love bomber, you better believe it I'm dropping bombs all over the place Carl is a love bomb You know he is Oh yeah, yeah Why are we here?

Somebody's making a move To do my taxes Is this an itemized deduction? Hello? Whoa, shit! What? Exactly. So what you can't see, YouTube.com slash the commercial break if you want to see this.

What you cannot see is that out of the mirror pops a monster, a monster mask. Like a thing you would buy at Party City. Yeah, something you would buy at Party City. Like for Halloween decoration. And Buck goes, oh shit. Damn, I'm sitting. As soon as that skeleton appears. in my face and I shit my drawers.

I had to sit back down. Sit down. I sat down. There's not a whole lot of things that scare me, but that did. But a party city. There's not a whole lot of things that scare me, but a $1.99 mask from Walmart gave me the runs immediately. I'm good with Bigfoot, Whisperwolves, just anything out there in the woods. That's right.

However. This running mask got me nervous. Or maybe it was the mirror. I'm not sure. I haven't seen myself in a long time. God, I got big. Do you know who I have? Are you Jason?

You got to kill the sonous giant. Yeah. Yeah. No. What do you want with us? I want to make a deal. A deal. I need.

to back rub. You do my back, I'll do yours. I want Billy or cameraman. He's delicious. He's a twink. I want him now. Let me tell you all right now, boy. There's no way in hell we're going to help you kill another damn Bigfoot. I never said I was after a Bigfoot. I'm after the all. you can eat Hardy's buffet. But they

won't let me in since I don't have a body. I need your help. I need your help. Grabbing the food and putting it into my mouth. I'm so hungry. What are you after? I want you to go back to Lee County, Virginia. Back to the dark forest.

What an original name for a forest. The Dark Forest. Aren't they all dark at some point? He wants him to capture the woman of the woods. He wants him to capture the woman of the woods, which... The party city's goal. It's demanding. Party city masks.

He wants them to catch another woman running around in Party City. Parapheredia. That's right. The woman of the woods. The woman of the woods is someone we don't want to mess with. This team's already had one heck of encounter with him. When we were in Lee County, she touched Huckleberry and Jeff. She touched my little mountain man.

She touched them. The poop shoot. Facing off with her. His hut collapsed down on him and walked off with him. Wait, the woman in the woods took off with Jeff. That's why they keep having, you know, Jeff number one, Jeff number two, Huckleberry. Billy Jr. Yeah.

They haven't replaced these guys. Well, we lost another one. Hi, I'm Brian from Atlanta, and I'm here to read for Jeff. I thought you had it, Jeff. Well, we did. We've had a couple. But the women of the woods took him away. His hut collapse.

It's a whole story I don't want to get into. But we found his mutilated bottle. I found his mutilated body. a couple miles down the road. It was unfortunate. It looked like he died. It looked like he died from constant anal beads going in and out of his ears. It's a bad scene.

Then when we found him, he's blatant, he's blatant. He was pumping blood. Whoa. She threw this team for a loop, and she affected Jeff's mind, maybe for life. Yep, he looks like he's been affected for life. Look at him. He's like, Oh, shit, the woman of the woods.

My nimus. Oh, my butt already hurts. All right. We help you get this woman of the woods. How's this benefit us? You'll get an Emmy nomination. An Emmy nomination for Best Scientific Program. I have something you want.

What's that? Huckleberry number one. A free. A lifetime pass to the old country buffet. Huckleberry number one Huckleberry number one through five Oh gosh, we'd be quick make the deal If you capture

The water of the woods In exchange I'll bring you those You killed the Oh sorry The stoneish giant The stonish giant The stoneish giant

Was What are they in memory? No No What do you think I am a murderer? You think of a violent man? But you know. And I know where the body's at.

He says he can deliver who killed the Stonish Giant and let us know where the body is. Not the Stonish Giant. If he can make good on that deal, the person who killed him and the body of the Stonish Giant, which would pretty much... Oh, okay. Tie things up in a neat boat. Listen, they've been looking for Bigfoot for 13 seasons. So if they can find the Stonish Giant, then it's all over. We can y'all go home and call it a day on. The mountain monsters.

You make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some really heavy thing you to do before 10 o'clock. Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void? Like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-4333-3-TCB.

That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian, I need a race. Compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans. or tell us a little story. The juicier, the better, by the way. We'd love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves.

Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials. At the commercial break on Insta, TCB podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch... Oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video. YouTube.com slash the commercial break. And TCBPodcast.com for all the info on the show. Your free sticker?

Or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I got to go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food. Today is pork chop day. You'll find what you're looking for. How do we know you'll keep good on your deal? I've never lied to you, and I never will.

Have they had communication with him before? Finders, keepers, losers, weepers. I promised you. I promise. Pinky swear. I don't have a pinky, but if I did. I've never lied to you, but I never will. In the one and a half minutes of conversation that we've had,

I haven't said one dishonest thing. Yeah, you kind of did. Because you told us she's going to contact us. We sat around by the phone for months. We stand around by the phone for fun. That's what happens with a love bomb. Yep. Quintest seven pizzas deliver.

Oh, wait, I got to let you go. This could be the Stonish Giant. Domino's waiting for Stonish Giant to call. God damn it, Mom. We've been waiting around for months. By the phone. Yeah, by the phone. For the skeleton to call?

For the skeleton to call. Okay. He didn't even know who he was at first. Like, this doesn't make any sense. This is thin writing skills on the phone. half of. I want to see who the writers are for this. You speak their secrets.

You've yet learned. Jedi master. I don't know what that means. So far, it seems like one big riddle after the next. Right now. I've got the solution to pie. I'm going to share it with you. I know how to do a ruby excue of it under a minute.

We're playing by his rules. And I'm about tired of them. Everything you need is it for. Where'd you go? Hey! I don't know who in hell this guy. Where'd you go? I'm a dismembered head.

I can go wherever I want. Your shit head. Everything you need is right in front of you. It's a box of 12 tacos from Taco Bell. What do you want me to do with that? But he claims that everything we need to catch this woman of the woods is right to in front of us. See that moving in that left window again?

Yeah, I see somebody moving around a bunch. Shoot it. Kill them all. Jeff, I had you zip tied in front for a reason. I know you don't have no shoulder problems. When they pat a duck down, they missed a knife in the right top part of his boot. We're getting Nancy. It's about time to get out of here.

Now's the time. Yeah, because when you pat somebody down, you don't look right in their sock. Don't worry. Don't worry about this. sock no one puts a knife in there thugs get the hell out of here is that's in the pocket

get that's the camera yeah this is all being filmed and recorded for posterity's sake chrissey the answer's right in front of our face I'm tired of these games the answer's right in front of our face I want to see yours oh

bucks lost his shit But just so you know, they untied themselves. They had a knife. Easily, very easily. Yeah, they had a knife so they cut themselves free. They had a knife the whole time. Why didn't they leave a long time ago?

But, you know, they had to see what the dismembered head had to say. And then Buck got so upset, he threw a chair through the mirror. Yeah. I wonder where that mirror was made because it came down pretty easily, didn't it? It shattered quick. Yeah. Now the other two are moving in. What?

What? What? Damn. Oh, my gosh. It's a hogshead. What the hell? Buck throws that chair through that mirror. All of a sudden right there behind it.

There's a damn hogshead. Honestly. There's a stuffed animal hogshead with some fake blood running out of it. What do you think guys did pretty good job on that one? I scared you. Scared you? I don't understand at all what's going on here. Hey, blood coming out of its nose, its ears, its eyes.

What the hell does that mean? Whatever, whatever, whatever. Do we miss it? Yeah, they're two just burst out. Yeah, these guys decide to burst in after all the action is over. Yeah. What are they at? Look in here.

Check it out. What the hell is? What do you mean? Oh, yeah. What's that all about? Well, I guess we're having Hogghead for dinner. What's that all about? So ridiculous.

We got to figure out we're going to get Zach unchanged. They're getting chained up like an elephant. Are you freaking serious? What? He's laying right here. They found a key. He found a key that happens to go to the leg shackles that the cameraman is wearing. The leg shackles that the camera...

Look at that. He just could... take his foot out of there. It's just a chain. On his right leg. Let's get out here and look. And see if we can see anybody. Yeah, let's do that.

You guys see this blood? Anybody in here? Holy shit. I'm telling you guys, there was someone in here. He was standing right there talking to us. Right of yonder talking to us. Let's bring in the CSI team and get some Like some evidence.

We never seen nobody leave. Guys, they're gone. There's nothing else we can do. We have a lot to fill you two in on. You didn't even look outside. How can you make you claim that they're gone? There's nothing else here for us to do. Well, another case is unsolved by the mountain monsters.

Go it away from here. I don't feel safe. We need to go get in my truck, get out of here, and we need to find a trapper. Hell yes, we do. night we met with that rogue team, but we still ain't been able to get a hold of trapper. We got a shag-ass out of here. We're shag-ass? I've never heard that. I've never heard that either. It's kind of a cool saying, Huckleberry. What the hell's going on with him? Okay, well, there you go. We have to wait until another episode

of Mountain Monsters in order to finish this off. Well, Chrissy and I got a shag-ass out of here, so. I love it. Oh, I love it too. The Mountain Monsters bring us. It's so much joy and so much fun. It's so much bullshit. It really is. It's ridiculous. I mean, come on. It's all being filmed and multiple camera angles.

I can't get enough either. I could do this all day. I could literally do a Frankie B. A mountain monsters and a Teresa Caputo. I could do those three at a separate podcast and feel really happy about it. Oh my gosh. Well, there you go. Maybe that guy behind the mirror was Army.

Hammer. He might have been. He's eating the hoghead back there. All right, little advice from Chrissy to Chrissy and I to you out there in the audience. Don't date Army Hammer. No matter how much, how attractive they're living in the Cayman Islands and a timeshare look.

Yeah, but you know, there's somebody out there. Somebody out there right now is probably dating that guy. Yeah. Because he is one handsome motherfucker. He is being handsome. Yeah. And he's been on some shows and movies or something. He was in the social network and call me by their name or something like that,

where he played a gay man having an affair with a younger gay man, gay boy, really. And he was like an Oscar contender, I think, or there was some talk about it. But, you know, once you start leaving Instagram messages that you want to eat people, your career is likely to take a nose time. Get, high-tail it. Shag-asset down to the K-Mass. I see Army Hammer being Huckleberry number 52, like 10 years from me. Yes, I hope so.

Well, let's hope he gets the help he needs. Let's hope the women who are victims of his bullshit get the help. that they need, we don't mean to make fun. We know that it's serious. But hey, listen, you don't come to the commercial break for serious talk? No. I hope not. To put a trigger warning on this episode.

All right. Go to TCB Podcast.com. That's where you find out more about Chrissy and I. You'll watch all the video. You'll listen to all the audio. It's quite simply the place to go for anything TCB. Hit the contact us button. Send us your stories.

Ask for advice. We'll take it all. Comments, questions, concerns, content, ideas. all right there on the website, TCBPodcast.com, or 661, 237, 8-2-966661, Bestio, text us, leave us a voicemail. We're here for you.

YouTube.com slash the commercial break for all the full episodes a few days after they air clips every single day of the week. It's a whole different show. Go watch it. All right, Chrissy, I think that's all I can do today. I think so, Brian. So I love you. I love you.

And best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we always see. say we do say we must say. Bye.