The Commercial Break - The Amazing Race...To The Bottom!

Episode Date: April 24, 2025

Episode #736: Bryan & Krissy discuss the go-go 90's and 2000's reality show boom. They recall the dumb race to the bottom as one show after another tried to pander to the lowest common denominator. As an homage to that "time and space" they review THE craziest reality show of them all: Next Superstar USA! A one season mock-american idol style singing contest, looking for the worst, not the best singer in America! It's cruel, crazy and nuts. Perfect for TCB. To apply for "Americas Next Top Mediocre Podcaster" send us a message at: 212-433-3TCB TCBit: Crabapple Mayor Slaughbush responds to critics regarding his appointing of Mr. Bettleberry as president of The Women's Club. Watch EP #736 on YouTube! Text us or leave us a voicemail: [phone]TCB FOLLOW US: Instagram:  @thecommercialbreak Youtube: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast Website: www.tcbpodcast.com CREDITS: Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Executive Producer: Bryan Green Producer: Astrid B. Green Voice Over: Rachel McGrath TCBits Written, Voiced and Produced by Bryan Green To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And welcome back to WSHIT, this hour of news sponsored by Genie Looz, body waxing and elderly care. At Genie Looz we'll freshen up your no-no while we take care of your na-na. A follow-up on yesterday's story brought to you first by WSHIT news, there was much public outcry after Tom Beetleberry was named president of Crab Apples Women's Club. In response to many Crab Appulians calling for the dismissal of Tom Beatleberry, newly elected Mayor Sloughbush took to the government website to send out a pre-recorded message

to the ladies of Crab Apple. And now here's the sound bite you will only hear on WSHIT breaking news. Women let's get this stuff going. I'm not going to keep paying prostitutes, but even the electronic stuff. I mean, that's not actually in the bed. So women, let's figure this out. I mean, it's not a big deal, but you know, I think I'm just going to be celibate the rest of my life.

As I tell my psychiatrist, I know, but I'm going to be celibate the rest of my life as I tell my psychiatrist I know but I'm gonna be celibate like this what the mayor then went on to sign a mayoral executive order Declaring buy one get one on mango margaritas at all three margarita Chacharita locations in Crabapple while most citizens are still angry about the appointment of Tom Beetleberry They are also for the most part, drunk. We'll be back after this commercial break. What? On this episode of the commercial break. Survivor was also one that was out there.

The great, the greatest race. What was that called? No, that's the amazing race. Yeah. And so survivor, survivor and amazing race survived the amazing race of bad reality television shows. And I loved to watch a lot of these shows as an exhibitionist. I thought they were stupid and funny. And I kind of, I, felt like I was in on the joke. Like, this is crazy that we're doing this. But a lot of people took them very seriously. A lot of people really got into them.

My dad and I really wanted to do the Amazing Race. Too late now. I did too. But. What happened? Well, did you like apply or anything? No. Oh, OK.

We talked about it. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, boy! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best of you, Chris Hayes. Best of you, Brian.

Best of you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we are. Just reading that Haley Jo Osment, the kid from the Sixth Sense. Oh yeah. Remember that kid? And he's done some other stuff too.

Like here, here's a picture of him. You've probably seen him in other things. Yep. I don't know what other things, but you've probably seen him in those other things. He got arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct while on a skiing vacation. And they just released his mugshot and he

looks just like he does in real life. The substance is unidentified but Mono County Sheriff's Office refused to comment alcohol and possession of marijuana and another substance unidentified. He's sentenced to three years probation. Where was this? Like in some... because Colorado weeds legal. So is California. Yeah, so is California. Why do you have... why? Why are you... I don't know. Maybe there are... maybe you can't be in public with it. Maybe you can't be smoking it in public. I think there are certain places where even though it's legal in California, you still can't smoke it in public. Like when I went to Las Vegas, they put it in some special bag that would explode if you opened it up while you're on the street. It's like some weird thing.

It was like this weird lock bag that I had to, everyone had to have while they were traveling with it. And so, you know, I kept it in the lock bag until I got back to the Roach infested motel. And then I just said, and I just, you know, I did what I did with it after that. So there you go. Listen, I want to talk about something. The 90s and the 2000s was a wild time for television, especially for reality show television.

Yes, it was. Yes. I mean, reality show- Now's crazy, but then was really the Wild West. Yeah, it really was. Reality shows of the early, if I could spell, early 2000s. I had a list here and I lost it. Hold on. Well, of course, American Idol, The Osbornes,

The Simple Life. The Osbornes. Yeah. Let's go with some more here, hold on. The Simple Life was just like one of the wildest shows that had been, it was all kind of staged, but you know. Didn't they just reboot that? I think they did.

The Simple Life? Yeah, with Paris and Nicole. Oh, I think they did do like an extra season of that a couple of years ago or something, or a year ago. I don't think it took off. Because now they're married with children and it's like, it's not, it doesn't have the same, and we've all grown a little bit older

and a little bit more mature, and as have they. So it didn't hit quite like it hit. It was like nothing you'd ever seen on television. These two absolute airheads. Party girls. Party girls. Rich. Rich.

Going to spend a week with a cow farmer. On a farm, yeah. You know, it was, and they'd be like, that's hot. And sticking their hand in cows' asses. It was interesting at the time. America's Next Top Model, punked. Jersey Shore, fear factor from Joe Rogan. The Bachelor started back then trading spaces where

neighbors made other people's houses, their neighbors houses look ugly and then you had to pretend like you liked it. Remember that? Making of the Band, Next, which we have reviewed, Newlyweds with Nick and Jessica, Nanny 911, Cake Boss, which I never understood how anybody gave a shit about Cake Boss, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Laguna Beach, so many, I mean, Kitchen Nightmares, Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, so many weird and wild reality shows that it was hard to keep up with all of love, so many weird and wild reality shows that it was hard to keep up with all of them, quite frankly.

And when you look back on them now, most of them have not aged well. There is a certain amount of chauvinism and exhibitionism and just general disdain for human life that goes on in some of these shows. It's really weird. Take Fear Factor, for example. People were eating like Madagascar cockroaches, live ones. I never liked that show. I never liked it. I never liked it. Not because of Joe Rogan. I actually thought Joe did a good job on the show.

Yeah, it was just what they were doing. Yeah, it's what they were doing that was, that made my stomach turn. And anytime they brought out those insects, which was every fucking episode. Which was every time. Yeah, or they'd like stick them 700 feet in the air in a car, like they were in the car with a helmet, then they'd set the car on fire, you know, make it explode and hope that they dropped into the water. It was like this weird show where you knew that they were probably going to be safe.

You were right. But they sure did make it look dangerous. And people would be competing for like, you know, $10,000 and Chili's gift cards or something. It was so stupid. It was so stupid. But it was very popular for a couple of years anyway. Very popular. I think it ran on NBC and then on MTV and it went around the circuit. But one of the wildest, and American Idol, of course, kicked this, kicked all of the singing competitions off, and all of the competition.

Survivor was also one that was out there, the greatest race, what was that called? No, that's still on. The Amazing Race. The Amazing Race, yeah, and so Survivor. Survivor and Amazing Race survived the Amazing Race of bad reality television shows, and I loved to watch a lot of these shows as an exhibitionist. I thought they were stupid and funny.

And I kind of, I think, felt like I was in on the joke. Like, this is crazy that we're doing this, but a lot of people took them very seriously. A lot of people really got into them. My dad and I really wanted to do the amazing race. Too late now. I did too. But what happened? Well, did you, did you like apply or anything? Oh, okay. My dad and I really wanted to do the Amazing Race. It's too late now. I did too. But. What happened?

Did you like apply or anything? No. Okay. We talked about it. We said we would, in the family, we determined that the two of us would be the best. Because I would be the daredevil and he's an engineer and we'd be able to figure all the stuff out. Okay.

So he would essentially be able to get you from point A to point B in the quickest manner, figure out all that, kind of the math part of it. Yeah. And you would figure out the... I would do the stuff that required the balls. No brains, all balls. Yeah. Like go to the, you know, running of the balls and make it out alive. Yeah. Okay. All right. I wanted to go on it too, but I couldn't figure out which of my family members would agree to be with me for that long. So I decided not to do it. But I did get into that show for like two seasons. I just- Yeah, it's still on. It's still great. I haven't watched it in a long time. I think I watched like the second and third season and I was really into it. And then I don't know, for whatever reason, I stopped watching it.

But- You had 30 children. I did have 30 children. Yes. I'm just getting to Top Chef season seven. It's on 23. I mean, honestly. But that singing reality show kind of contest. Listen, it just all got kicked off with MTV's, the real life, the real world. The real world.

Yeah. The real world was the OG. I think by a lot of people. It might not have been the very first reality show television necessarily per se, but it was the first one to gain mainstream attention and really kind of massage the format in a way that it was interesting. Put people in a room, let them be humans.

Yeah, in a house. Film all the drama in a house, living together for a month or two or whatever it was. Film all the drama in a house, living together for a month or two or whatever it was, film all the drama, edit it in a way that is linear so you can understand from one moment to the next, what is going on, cut out all the crap and just put the best, most interesting, juicy parts of it out there on television. And they did. And it was critically panned and acclaimed.

People watched it in droves. Oh, it was critically panned and acclaimed. People watched it in droves. Oh, it was huge. And the unintended consequence of this was that the people who were a part of these shows became famous in their own right, which I don't think anybody expected, but they did. And by season number three, it became clear that people who were going on the real world were there in part to become famous. Not for some human social experiment, but because there was fame and riches at the end of it.

And when social media came, forget about it. Now it's a different game altogether. You're going to be famous if you go on a reality show, at least to some degree. And that is a big part of the reason why you would even want to partake in any of these, shenanigans, so to speak. Well, I applied for the real world.

Yeah, you said that. I did for like season number six or something, five, six, something like that. Obviously, I didn't make it on the real. In case you didn't know, I didn't make it on the real world. One of the most famous podcasters on earth right now was on road rules, which was adjunct to real world. There was like a competent, they got in a van, they lived together for a month. They did these competitive challenges and then they would get knocked out or into the competition. Theo Vaughn was a road rules contestant. Also, I had many people and I say many, I mean like two people who had suggested that when American Idol started, I should go on American Idol.

And try and be a singer on American Idol, like a rock and roll edgy singer, like buck the trend, don't be a pop star, be a rock star. That's not what American Idol was looking for. And I thought about going, cause they came to Atlanta early on, like season number two or three, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it

because even though I watched it I hated it because I thought I hated what it represented a cheat code to the music industry when I had worked so very hard and Failed and when I say very hard numerous numerous assisted living homes numerous club dates with no patrons paying to see me. And one album that I will never make it on Spotify because probably no one has the master tapes.

They said, well, tape over those. It's all good. But one channel decided to turn this whole thing on its head. It decided that this was a joke and we need to detreat it as such. American Idol. The American Idol-esque type competitions. We're a joke and we need to detreat it as such. Let's make it a joke. Let's make it the joke that it is. Let's take these delusional human beings that think that they can be some pop superstar by

using the cheat code. Let's take these delusional human beings and let's put them in a delusional world where all their dreams could come true even if they were the worst singers on earth. How I missed this show when it came out, I have no idea. But there has been some videos going around the internet lately that turned me on to this particular show that ran on the WB for one season, I think. And it is the meanest reality show that has ever existed. I don't think I ever saw it either. It is called Superstar USA. No.

The next Superstar USA or something like that. I'd like to watch this, at least in part, Superstar USA. No. The next Superstar USA or something like that. I'd like to watch this, at least in part, the first episode of this, because I never saw it when it was on air. No, I didn't either. But just watching 15 minutes of it last night after seeing some reels over the last couple of weeks, I thought that these were delusional people that were singing in front of a crowd and the crowd for some reason didn't have ears. Like, you know, it was a crowd full of people

who couldn't hear because it was clear that they were singing terribly, but the crowd was going wild. And I was like, where, where did this run? How did these people get on this very highly produced event and then sing this badly and have all these people that are telling them how good it really is it's because it's the whole premise of the show take the worst most delusional people in the musical business that want to be in the music business and Pretend like they are the best and then at the end pull the rug out from under their feet

so This is crazy, crazy mean, crazy in general, hilarious, very funny, but at the expense of a lot of different people's dreams. And not one of these people, at least none of them that I have seen so far became actually famous for any particular reason. And so it really ended up just being a cruel prank show is what it ended up being. If you don't mind, Chrissy, let's take some time. Let's review the pilot episode

and let's see what we think about this. You wanna do that? Okay, let's do it. Okay, so quick segment, quick flip. I wanna dedicate as much time as I can to this particular video. So let's take a break and when we get back, I'm going to put this on the old screen of a later and then the old podcast of a later screen here.

And then when we get back, we'll review it together. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

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Okay, in my opinion, the cruelest reality show that has ever existed. Some would call this a prank show. I think that's probably the best way to put it. But man, is this wild. Are you ready for this? I think so. Let's get into it here.

America's, USA's next superstar, Superstar USA something like that. I guess they could only do it for one season because then everybody would know. Yeah, it's true. Once you know the characters in it, then it's gonna be hard to find the next season. Brian McFadden here in Hollywood, home to the WB Superstar USA.

You remember this guy, Brian McFadden? Yeah, he's so familiar. He was in a lot of WB stuff. I think he was like, I think he did like a, what was that show? Aisha Tyler, remember her? He was in a lot of WB stuff. I think he was like a, I think he did like a, what was that show? Aisha Tyler, remember her? And she did the bus thing, get on the bus,

bus, something love bus. And I think he was also part of that crew or part of that show. The most anticipated show of the year. You know, people said we couldn't do it. People said we shouldn't do it. The most anticipated show of the year. You know, people said we couldn't do it. People said we shouldn't do it. The most anticipated show of the year. Oh, so ambitious, you won't believe your eyes or ears.

Thousands of singers auditioned, all believing that we were searching for America's best singer. But we're not. We're actually searching for America's worst- But we're not. We're fucking with them all. But we're not. We're crushing their little hearts.

God. How happy you are to be doing this. And to pull it off, we enlisted dozens of crew members, teams of dancers, and hundreds of screaming fans. All to create the illusion of a real talent show. Now why did we do this? Because we were bored by all the

cookie cutter pop idols being crammed down our throats. Woo! Now forget- But because we were bored by all the cookie cutter pop idols being crammed on our throat now forget but because we're bored by all the cookie cutter pop we decided to crush people's spirits and any possible dreams they have of success because we're bored forget vocal ability we're looking for a true entertainer someone who is fun to watch so do yourself a favor America get get ready. Our search for America's worst singer starts right now. The WB was wild. The WB was wild. Who green lit this? Yeah and they were probably getting bad press for it beforehand. I imagine that promo, that

intro was cut after they had done run some commercials and stuff and people were like no way you're gonna do this and Brian Dunkelman number two here has to get on and apologize before it even starts. Yeah Clearly a ripoff intro of American Island Lots of flashing stars. Yeah, the WB's Superstar USA. Yeah, lots of stars. Lots of weird graphic stars. Alright, now before we get to the audition process, let me break it down for you one

more time. We're out to find a new kind of singing superstar. So while... The kind that can't make an album. Yeah. Other talent shows are looking for this and it was just my mind Playing tricks on me We're looking for this

People did love to hate watch yeah American Idol for the bad stuff, you know? Yeah, they took the best part of American Idol's audition process and they just juiced it. And so for that, I guess they're taking what works about another show and they're just extending it. Or this. All I'm asking is for the respect when you get home. Or this.

When no one chills me to the bone. But on our show, it's not enough for singers to be bad. They have to believe they're great. I'm a superstar because I am a star in itself. I have charisma, and you guys will have to see. I have a feeling that some of these people are plants. They are actors and actresses that are on the show because I actually don't, I think there's too much liability in having actual people have the rug pulled out from under

them like this. You know, they could be, who knows, they could hurt themselves or whatever. True. Why? Because we're out to find America's unlikeliest singing sensation and make them a star. We scoured the country and auditioned thousands of singers in hopes for their big break. In cities like Orlando, Philadelphia, Las Vegas, and Minneapolis, the superstar wannabes showed up in force for their chance to fly to Hollywood and battle it out for superstardom,

never realizing that on this show only the bad survive. How do you get the audience in on this? I guess you have to tell them all. Yeah. Yeah, that they need to cheer loudly no matter what happens. To help us find our superstar, we assembled a distinguished panel of experts. A distinguished panel of experts. Let's see. Yeah, here they are. You're going to laugh. First up, you know her from her hits, Graduation and Smile, platinum selling recording artist, Vitamin C.

One hit wonder, Vitamin C! I don't even remember Vitamin C. Hey, listen, Chrissy, she had two hits. I remember that song. That song played on rotation, like in 2003. Yeah, that's right. You're cocky and confident and you don't have the goods to back it up. You're exactly what we're looking for. I wonder why Vitamin C never stayed in the conscious collective pop lexicon.

Probably because she was in on this horribly cruel show. Part of the cruelest show ever. Grammy nominated a rap pioneer, the wild thing himself, Mr. Tone Low. Tone Low was a part of it? Tone Low, Funky Cold Medina? No, Tone, don't do it. Ask the guy why he's so fly, he said, Funky Cold Medina.

He's gonna turn everything you ever heard about singing upside down on this show. You know what I mean? The good singers are whack and the whack singers are good. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? They paid me a lot of money to be out here. You know what I mean? The good singers are wack and the wack singers are good. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? They paid me a lot of money to be out here. You know what I'm saying? And finally, our resident straight shooter, superstar USA producer, Briggs. Briggs. Ah, Briggs. And Briggs looks like a guy I've seen on other reality television shows because he probably is an actor.

So what do you say to people who... I mean, obviously he's an actor, but... ...think this show is cruel and offensive? I'd have to say... **** you. Ooh, tough guy. Yeah. He's the Simon Cowell of the group.

He's got the glasses and spiky hair. And pleather jacket. Number one, how to look unimpressed and completely bored by all the good singers. All that's left is a band of gold. All that's left, all the dreams I hold, is a band of gold. Stop. We're looking for a superstar, and you

don't quite have the voice. I just don't think you're right for this show. I think it was kind of... let me use the word whack. Oh my god, so not only do you have to pretend like the bad singers are good, you have to tell the good singers that they're shit. Yes, yes. Oh brother. And challenge number two.

How to heap praise on bad singers while keeping a straight face. Celebrate good times, come on! Oh yeah, look at that spin! Celebrate great times, come on! Celebrate everyone around the world, come on! I thought it was really good. I thought it was great. I thought you rocked the mic, come on. Come on. Woo. I thought it was really good. I thought it was great. I thought you rocked the mic, Playboy.

You handled your biz, so congratulations. You're one step closer. He handled your biz. Oh my God. Poor kid. Being a superstar. Thank you. And once the audition process is completed, the 12 worst singers will face off in Hollywood

for their shot at fame and fortune And the hooks gets even bigger when they're given the superstar treatment They'll receive image enhancement Yeah, they're getting their haircut and their new duds and they're in the studio with professionals work with vocal coaches. Learn dance moves. Face the media. And shop for expensive cars and multimillion dollar homes. Why? Why? What? Why? I don't know. I didn't even know an American Idol. You just went and shopped for a new car?

Million dollar home. But ultimately, they're... There's the obligatory bikini shot, yes. Voice will determine their fate when they hit the stage to sing until we reach our finale where the last singer standing will be crowned the WB Superstar USA. We walk away with a recording contract and an advance of $100,000 cash. And that's when we finally reveal our hoax. We live-line it.

That's when we finally fuck with you for good. Jeez. We finally smash your little dreams into a million pieces. If my name isn't Brian Dunkleman, but that's not my name. Unseh, seh, seh, seh, seh, seh. You are a great singer. And how will the superstar react? That's not my name. I say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say hoax, don't go anywhere. Our sponsor, Velveta, will be... Has a few words. ...a singing sensation gets underway.

Also too, like then, I mean, think about they had to go through the taping of this and then air it. So... Yes. ...of people that were on the show, they had to relive it. Had to relive it all over again. And did they, or they must have been under some kind of agreement not to say anything. Well, of course you wouldn't want to say anything. That's right.

I was crowned America's Next Superstar, but it was all a joke. Right after this. Up next, our auditions kick off in Las Vegas, and only the bad survive. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Love can do it all it wants. Survive Super stardom begins with you Robert

Do you think this is funny, but it's just cruel at the same time it It's hard to laugh. Well, thank God many years have passed. Hopefully they gave them therapy afterwards. Exactly. Then our panel falls head over heels for the sexy Jamie. Such for the very first time. We think you have great potential. Oh my gosh, thank you. She's clearly an actress.

Plus later, a heavy metal heartthrob rockstar world. Fire, fire. That was sick, man. Plus later a heavy metal heartthrob rockstar world fire That was sick man Tonight singers will be plugged from obscurity and flown to Hollywood to fight for fame and fortune It's a band of gold whose impossible dream will come true and will anyone figure out? It's all just a giant practical joke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah do that same song, but wherever you say yes, say no. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Oh my god.

I said no, no, no. Find out when the WWE Superstar USA, the first stop on our search for the WWE Superstar USA was Las Vegas. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to fabulous Viva Las Vegas. Where we hope to find an entertainer with such an unconditional belief in their talent, they wouldn't let anything stop them.

The free. Not even a bad singing voice. One of these superstars waited in line for hours, all believing that this was a real talent show. And as they prepare to face the panel, as they prepared to meet superstars, Tone Loke at vitamin C. And Briggs. Yeah. I mean, let's be honest about it. Vitamin C and Tone Loke are not exactly the A-list musicians

that you think they are. Many were overwhelmed with last minute jitters. I can't stop shaking. I don't know how to go first. But Robert's confidence was unshakable. Well Robert, tell us, why are you a superstar? I think I have a great voice. I think a lot of people will also...

I've been singing in the shower for most of my life. I think the same thing, and I sing from my heart, and I think people can feel that when I sing. Alright man, well what are you going to sing for us today? Why do fools fall in love? Whenever you're ready. Why does the brain fall from above? Why do fools fall in love?

Why do they fall in love? Why do they fall in love? I'd rather listen to blues barking, if I'm being honest. Yeah, me too. Love is a losing game. Love can be a shame. I know I'm a fool you see. For that fool is me.

Tell me why. Tell me why, tell me why. Well to be fair to him, he is in the falsetto range. He's got something. There's something going on there, some kind of rhythm. He's got a gold chain. That counts for something, Chrissy. And like a velour jacket. In all my years in the musical industry, if you don't mind, Chrissy, I'll interject a

story from a professional point of view here, and all my years in the musical business, there's one thing that I knew about a cocksure rock star is that a gold chain was the accoutrement you absolutely needed. Falsetto voice and a gold chain. I'm in the false, false love. Robert. Yes. Robert, Robert, Robert. Superstardom begins with you, Robert. You understand what I'm saying?

Yep. Oh, my man, what's happening? Oh, Rob, I must say, I like what you did with it and I'm totally feeling you and I give you a big yes, man, totally. Okay. Even Tony Luke knows this is cruel give you a big yes, man, totally. Okay. Even Tone Logue knows this is cruel. He's phoning this in, yes.

You hit some notes, I don't even know how you hit them. Do you have both your testicles? Yes. Aw. Missing one? Nope. All right, well, C, it's a yes for you.

Tone? Yeah, I like them a lot. Okay, congratulations, you are one step closer Yeah, I like him a lot. Okay. Congratulations. You are one step closer to being a superstar. Thank you very much. Did you know you could sing? I thought I could and like everybody...

Did you know you could sing? Did you know you could sing? I thought I could. No, I came to audition for this reality show about singing and I had no idea I could sing. Right. That's the way I can. And I think I have a higher voice than a lot of people do. I can hit the high notes that no one else can hit.

You can hit notes that I couldn't even imagine dogs hitting. Now, what makes you the next big superstar in the USA? Because I got the voice, I got the lyrics, I got everything. Everything, huh? You got the voice and the lyrics? And the looks. Oh, I thought she said the lyrics. I'm like, oh, you remembered the lyrics? I have everything. Everything, huh? You got the voice and the lyrics? And the looks. Oh, I thought she said the lyrics. I'm like, oh, you remembered the lyrics?

I have everything. As we say, break it on down. Okay. Ready? Yeah. I get so emotional, baby Every time I think of you I get so emotional, baby

And it's all I want Love can and it's all I want Love can do it's all I want Love can do it's all I want To be fair, that's the best I've ever heard Taylor Dane sing. Live. Love can do it's all I want Love can do it it's unborn. Love can do. Thank you.

You have some talent, girl. You have some voice. Thank you. I like a lot of the little things you did. The way you kind of take a word and kind of make it your own and you know, make it so it wasn't that recognizable from the Whitney Houston version.

I mean, you brought your own kind of... Oh, I thought that was Taylor Day recognizable from the Whitney Houston version. I mean, you brought your own kind of... Oh, I thought that was Taylor Day. That was Whitney Houston. Sorry, Taylor. And Whitney. Sorry to both of you. Are you both still alive? I don't know, but sorry to both of you. Flavor to it. Thank you.

Thank you. What did they say to you? They said that I made the song my own and that it really sounded good. So I'm just waiting for the next step, you know. This is not over yet. So I don't want to get overexcited. You don't want to jinx yourself? Yeah, you're right. I mean there's still a long way to go and I want to wait. I don't want to take anything for granted yet, so...

Oh my god, these poor girls. I mean, honestly, this is a little cruel. I know. And funny. And cruel. So I guess what they did, they went to different cities, just like a month ago? Yeah, they went to different cities to make sure that they, uh, you know, fucked with a lot of different people. It was a tough act to follow, but Lance came prepared to pull out... Oh, Lance!

All the stuff. And a glitter shirt on. Since you've been gone... Gary Glitter up here. On all that's left is a band of gold. All that's left are the dreams I hold. Is a band of gold. Is a band of gold. Is a band of gold.

What song is that? What is this? It's like a Calliope or something. This is from the days of before Broadway. It's a band of gold! That was... you own that song. And you know what? Sex sells. We all know that. Sure. I've never even heard a thing like that before.

Some of those words I didn't even know were like that. Thank you very much. Thank you. The voice is obvious. Some of those words I didn't even know were like that. Amazing. You're selling the sex appeal a little bit. You've got the tight shirt and the muscles and the sparkles.

Thank you. Well, they said they liked the image I was trying to portray with the tight shirt and the muscles and the tight shirt. The glitter look. They said that, yeah, because of the sex appeal. They said that's what I was trying to go for, which is what I was trying to go for. Lance's phrase from the panel had him jumping for joy. Clearly, our hoax was working. And with Omar, we kept it going strong.

May I warm up before I start, Loryn? Please. Take it on. Can I warm up before I start? Can I warm up? I was trying to look where Vitamin C is now. What is she up to? Well, she's 52. She's 52?

Yeah, and it says that her name's Colleen Ann Fitzpatrick. Yeah. She's an American record executive. Oh, really? Singer, songwriter, record producer, and actress. Yeah. She's an American record executive. Oh, really? Singer, songwriter, record producer, and actress. Isn't everybody a record executive these days? The record business even exists anymore. Are any of these people like, let me see something.

Was WB's Superstar USA staged? Yes. Okay. Oh, okay, all right. The show was a spoof of a popular, the finalists were chosen, the prank was exposed as humorous and outrageous parody. Listen, in March 2012, Fitzpatrick was appointed as vice president of music at Nickelodeon,

and since early 2019, Vitamin C has served as music executive for Netflix. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, okay. She parlayed this into a career. She did parlay this appearance on this clearly terrible idea of a show, but you know what? I'm so fascinated by what happens next that... Yeah.

Okay, let's do this. Let's take a break and we'll get back, uh, we'll watch a couple more minutes of this. We'll be back. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do.

Leave a message for her, or me, or Chrissy, at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Mm-hmm. Just call and say something. Anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to TCBpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break. And watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Best to you, and Astrid, especially Astrid. From early morning workouts that need a boost, to late night drives that need vibes, a good playlist can help you make the most out of your everyday.

And when it comes to everyday spending, you can count on the PC Insider's World Elite MasterCard to help you earn the most PC optimum points everywhere you shop. With the best playlists, you never miss a good song. With this card, you never miss out on getting the most points on everyday purchases. The PC Insider's World Elite MasterCard, the card for living unlimited. Conditions apply to all benefits. Visit pcfinancial.ca for details. Ready for this?

Yes. They did not use actors as contestants. These are real people who thought that they were involved in an actual music competition. I really find that hard to believe. I know that at least one of these people to me appears to be a plant, but I mean, I guess not. But you know how maybe the internet is wrong, but I don't know. Let's keep listening. Ooh. Simulants. Simulants. He's warming up.

Ooh. Ooh. Hehehehe. I'm feeling good from my head to my shoes. Nowhere I'm going and I know what to do. I tidy up my point of view. I've got a new attitude. Well that's not what I expected to come out of this guy's mouth.

He's wearing a beanie, dark sunglasses. This guy looks like a tough guy. He's like seven foot ten and he's 500 pounds. And he comes in and sticks new attitude. It is so funny. Running cold. I was running into overload. It was extreme.

Glitch in the matrix. I'm in control. My worries a few. Cause I got love like I never knew. I got a like I never knew. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I got a new attitude. Woo! Yeah!

Passion, Omar! Passion, you have Omar! Omar! When all that yelling she did, that was a big yes. Listen, Omar, that was awesome, man. That was awesome. Thank you. I mean, it's had it, she did. That was a big yes. Listen Omar, that was awesome man. That was awesome. Thank you. I mean, it's unanimous man.

Omar, congratulations. You are one step closer to being a superstar. Alright. Alright man. Thank you. It was really entertaining. Thank you Omar. Alright. Alright, he's in. He's in. Now we've got a cast coming together here, Chrissy.

Progressed. I will survive. Hearing Bad Singer after Bad Singer. Lo're in love and in my world. We've finally found one who stood out from the rest. This is the one I think is an actress. I am a superstar because I am a star in itself. I have charisma, and you guys will have to see. I am a star when I sing.

And what's the key to being a superstar in Jamie's book? Apparently, writing your lyrics on your hand. I was beat, incomplete, I've been hurt, I was set in blue, once you made me feel, yeah, you made me feel, shiny and new, like's looking at the lyrics on her hands. Like a virgin, hey. Just for the very first time, like a virgin, let your heart be next to mine. OK, so I was right.

Listen, this girl's name is Jamie. Jamie Floss. Jamie Floss on Superstar USA was in television shows long before this show ever aired. So clearly there were plants in the audience. Wow. She is sassy. She is. Sassy lasso. That was very good.

Thanks. I would encourage you to be even more sexual. She is. She is. Sassy lasso. Yeah, I think she's a star. That was very good. Thanks. I would encourage you to be even more sexual, sex cells. Sex cells. I can be sexual. Okay. I must say, you are a very sexy person. You know what impressed me the most is that,

you know, you were moving around and you were dancing. You had your little charisma and I like that. I like when a person moves around and doesn't just stand right there in one spot. You know what I'm saying? That's cool. I'm actually, I'm a bit embarrassed, but I have to be honest. I don't know if you know this, Jamie. You have very large breasts. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. God.

This, kids, is 2003 in a nutshell right here. This is 2003. It was a different time, and it wasn't so long ago. It really wasn't so long ago. Probably most of our listeners born either at, you know, around 2003 or after or before 2003. And this is the kind of schmaltz that they would be on TV and got away with it constantly.

Oh yeah. He just said, you have nice tits. They are real. Okay. I'm not kidding. The problem is I was distracted and I didn't pay attention to your singing voice. So I'm going to have to leave this decision to you too.

I think tone agrees with me. We think you have great potential. I guess too. She was an actress though before she got on. She was in at least three television shows before 2004 when this aired and 2003 when it was recorded. So that tells me that they did in fact get actors and actresses to play a role here.

Gosh, thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Up next on our show, it pays to be bad. Everyone around the world, come on! So what happens when a good singer meets the panel? Wondering if we ought to stay... Okay, please stop. I'm sorry. You're fired. And later. Oh my god. How's this for a wardrobe malfunction? Wow. Ready? Kind of. Which of tonight's unsuspecting. Yeah, they're showing these clips of obviously what they're gonna show ahead of time. By the way, the clip intros and outros on the show take

Up half the show. I know like it's like six and a half minutes long. It's like a goddamn commercial break intro And what they showed was someone walking in a beautiful woman walking in and taking off all her clothes Yeah, I think singers will be selected to face off in Hollywood for a shot at fame and fortune Will they be ready for a life of superstar luxury? And how will they react when they discover it's all a giant hoax? We lied to you when we said you were a great singer. Find out when the WB Superstar USA... Oh Lord. In order to find the nation's worst singer, our hoax had to be airtight from the moment our hopefuls walked through the door. And this is where it all begins.

The line to get into the WB Superstar USA. Come follow me real quick. Yeah, he's not Ryan Seacrest, is he? Yeah, no, he is not Ryan Seacrest. He's not even a Brian Dunkelman, if I'm being honest. I like Brian Dunkelman better. Come over here, grab a clipboard, piece of paper, you write your name, number down,

your height, date of birth, weight. Of course you're gonna lie about that. And then you're off over here. Kind of a holding area until you finish filling them out. You nervous? Better than you think. Anyway, you fill this all out and then they go. And then someone comes in here and says,

okay, follow me. I hope he got a good paycheck for this. Do you know what I'm saying? I hope there was a reason why he had to do this. He's a little schmarmie, he's a little smirky. You get up, you walk through these doors doors and this is where the nerves start to build up. I wonder if he also thought that this was his big break.

I think he thought the WB was gonna be his second success. Yeah you're right I think the big joke is on Tom Loken this guy. Put on your clipboard and your piece of paper. Put it on your chest. Put it on your chest so you can see it. Stand back here and smile. I think he hosted like E! Entertainment's weekend for a few years or something. As one by one, hopefuls enter the audition room.

If they were bad, our panel showered them with praise. Way home Alabama. That was pretty tight, I must say. And if you were good, watch out. Oh, you know I need it, yeah. Kind of loved it, and I kind of hated it. But I mostly hated it. Fine.

One of the best singers the panel encountered was Doreen, who traveled all the way from Canada for her shot at fame. You should have picked American Idol, girl. Yeah, girl, you should have gone for the real deal. But then again, you probably imagine a lot of these people who are good singers did go to American Idol and got rejected there. I mean, you got to think about the incredible odds of just even getting on a show like American Idol. It's tens of thousands of people to one.

It's non-gar-fuzzy. It actually makes me sick to listen to the Canadian national anthem. This is Superstar USA. I'm so tired of Canadians coming across the border and taking superstar jobs from American superstars. Bryan Adams and Loverboy and Celine Dion. I cannot have it, I can't, I can't, not on my watch.

Well, how'd it go? I didn't do so good. Why? Homeboy at the end. Briggs. He Well, I didn't do so good. Why? Homeboy at the end. Briggs? He just, they don't like Canadians or he just don't like people. Next up was Teresa.

Unfortunately, she was far too talented for us and had to be disposed of quickly. Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom!

Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! to take you out to dinner. Oh my, oh my God. Todd quickly annoyed the panel with his boy band good looks and exceptional. Okay, you get the point.

You know what we should do? You know what we should do, Chrissy? What's that? You know what I think we should do? What's that? America's next top mediocre comedy podcaster. We should do a contest here at the commercial break where we, let's say we take some applications

and then we take six to eight aspiring podcasters, people who like to do what we can do. Now, to be fair, podcasting, unlike music, is a very low barrier to entry. You can, for any money, you can pretty much do it. All you need is a microphone, not even a microphone. You just need a way to record yourself and a hosting platform to send out the RSS feed.

Good luck finding listeners, that's the hardest part. But you know, we should do a contest where we interview a few folks. We put them through a few rounds of tests, you know, maybe some, maybe we do an interview, maybe we have them put together a sketch or a parody or a segment or whatever. And then we kind of whittle it down to two. And then we pick a winner and then we give them some airtime on the commercial break or on the RSS feed on like a Saturday afternoon, 20, 30 minutes to let them send out their brand new podcast to the world, a kickstart if you will. That's the count. That's the prize.

The prize is take our five listeners and hopefully three of them will be listening to your show by the end of it. What do you think? Yeah. Do you like this idea? I think we should. Do you like this idea? I think this is an idea that whose time has come. America's Next Top Mediocre Comedy Podcaster. It's a long title, but it makes sense.

I wonder if there's anybody out there interested in that. I wonder if people aspire to be a mediocre comedy podcast just like we have here at the commercial. I'm sure there's a lot of people that have thought about starting a podcast. Yeah, but it's got to be a mediocre comedy podcast, just like we have here at the commercial. I'm sure there's a lot of people that have thought about starting a podcast. Yeah, but it's gotta be comedy. I don't want, actually, no, I don't care, whatever. You know what, we're gonna call it

America's Next Top Mediocre Comedy Podcast, duh. But if you have a different idea, then we'll jam you in there, we'll figure it out. Yeah, because there aren't that many listeners. And so I want to make sure we have enough people to actually have a contest. We need a good pool. This is an idea.

And if you're interested, text us, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822, and let's see if we can kind of frame this a little bit. If we get enough people that are interested, we'll mention it a couple times. If we get enough people that are interested, then we'll do it over the course of a couple of weeks. We'll dedicate some Thursdays to it and we'll see if we can whittle it down to

just a couple who have the real talent, the real gusto we think it takes to be mediocre enough to, you know, play with the big boys, like the commercial break. The big boys. the big boys, like the commercial break. And if they do, and if we think it's good and they win, we'll give them a kickstart, we'll give them a 30 minute consultation on mediocre comedy podcasting and we'll let them use our RSS feed for a few minutes on a Saturday afternoon to get the word out there about their brand new mediocre comedy podcast. Yeah, I like it.

And I think this would be good. And if it works, and if people like it, we could do it every year. And we could start a whole batch of Mediocre Comedy Podcasts. Maybe we'll start our own network. Oh, there you go. Now you're thinking. There you go. That's an idea whose time has come.

There you go. All right. You got the information. Two, one, two, four, three, three, three, TCB. Let us know if you're interested. Don't give me a whole dissertation on the podcast idea yet. We'll get there. Just let me know you're interested. Tell me your name and then we'll start collecting those names.

Wow. Imagine if this becomes like a thing. We'll get a television show. I'm dreaming that your aspirations become my riches. No money though. There's no money in this. Don't come here expecting that there's going to be some big cash prize or gold at the end of it. We've been doing this five years and are barely breaking even. It's tough. It's tough to make a living as a podcaster. All right. There you go. Superstar USA, WB Superstar USA, the cruelest prank in history. But again, I'm not a hundred percent

sure it's all real. Did you see like who in your research, did you see won? Yes. Then what happened to them? Yes. Oh. She won. Jamie won. Oh, Jamie won. And she went on to star in other TV shows. Yep. So there you go. Maybe what we'll do is in a couple weeks if this like kind of idea takes off maybe what we'll do is we'll follow up by watching the finale and see what happens and see how she reacts when they pull the rug out from under her. And maybe we'll just go straight to the payoff, because I don't think I could listen

to all this bad singing. There's like 12 episodes. How do you get through that? No wonder there's not a season number two. I mean, number one, yeah, the joke can only go so far. But number two, how can you listen to all that bad singing for an hour, 12 hours of it? I'm in see

Screw this and we're gonna become a Netflix executive. Yeah, that's what happens All the has-beens are at night. Okay Everybody works for Netflix. That's probably the best way to put it. All right, two one two four three three three TCB two one two four three three three eight two two you want to be America's next top mediocre comedy podcaster? Let us know. Or questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, we take them all. May 31st, the 12 hours of Tcb. It's a Saturday starting at 10 a.m. Mark your calendars. Add the commercial break on Instagram, Tcb podcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash the commercial break plus TCBpodcast.com for all the audio, the video, and your free schwang.

Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love ya. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say,

we do say and we must say, Goodbye. Goodbye. time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say and we must say, goodbye! So 30 in the morning!