The Commercial Break - The Kids Are Not Alright

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

Astrid leaves Bryan for literally one day…and all hell breaks loose. Is a middle aged man equipped to handle five to eighteen children for sixteen hours? Absolutely not! Krissy Keanu Reeves & Bryan Tom Cruise That 70s Show Kristi Noem the dog (and goat) murderer Bryan’s bird story Bugs (again) Dad of the Year realizes Astrid is superior Bryan’s children have learned that he is inept (in the kitchen) Bryan tries to parent in the morning Instagram Dads Ponytail panic The kids are not alright! Bryan weaponizes his incompetence All hail Astrid! LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us   212.433.3TCB text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Producer: Christina A.  Producer: Gustavo B.  Download & Listen on the Audacy app To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Get ready for puck drop at BetMGM, an official sports betting partner of the National Hockey League. From game-winning goals to spectacular saves, BetMGM gives you the chance to take those highlight reel NHL plays to a whole new level. BetMGM has something for every hockey fan, so you're sure to find a way to get off the bench and onto the ice all season long. Take your shot to light the lamp this season with BetMGM. Download the app today and find out why BetMGM is not only an official sports betting partner

of the NHL in Canada, but they're also the king of sportsbooks. BetMGM.com for terms and conditions must be 19 years of age or older to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you Please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531 2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge bet MGM operates pursuant to any operating agreement with I gaming Ontario Get ready for Las Vegas style action at Bet MGM, the king of online casinos.

Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas strip excitement MGM is famous for when you play classics like MGM Grand Millions or popular games like Blackjack, Bakura and Roulette. With our ever-growing library of digital slot games, a large selection of online table games and signature Bet MGM service, there is no better way to bring the excitement and ambience of Las Vegas home to you than with BetMGM Casino. Download the BetMGM Casino app today. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. BetMGM.com for T's and C's. 19 plus to wager. ON only. Please play

responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone Somebody's gonna ask me why do I go out of my way to be petty. I said first and foremost, it's not out of my way. Okay. It's directly on my route. Next question. On this episode of the commercial break. And they go, let's take a picture for mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture.

Right, right. She's landed. She's like, how are things going? She's not even landed. She's still on the plane. She's texting me, but she's like, let me see how are things going? And I'm like, oh, everything's fine over here. They're hungry. They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's petered poop today. I think I left their lunches out all night.

I'm not sure they're still good. And take a look. Here they are. And she's like, oh my God, that's her response. Oh my God. Oh my God. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Yeah, boy! Oh yeah, guys and kittens,

welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green, and this is the Keanu Reeves of my top crews, Kristen, Joy, Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You're my Keanu Reeves. Ah, do you see, he just got married.

He did? Yeah. Good for him. I know. Who do you get married? I can't remember her name, but they've been together for a while. You heard it here last. Ha ha ha ha. Cheers to the happy couple.

Cheers, yeah, good for them. Keanu's the hotter, sexier, cooler, much more talented version of my Tom Cruise. But Tom's got his own, you know, he's got his own thing going on. Well, speaking of Tom Cruise, did you see that he went to, um, uh,

Backum, you know, the party. And I read this little account of him, and he apparently was going wild and doing splits on the dance floor. He was? Yeah. That guy is out of control.

Is he part cyborg or something? I mean he doesn't seem to age or have any fear of doing any kind of... He made a deal with the Scientology Devil. It's gotta be, right? He's met Finu, or Zanu, or whatever the fucking name that is. And he's paid millions of dollars to do so, and he rides on that boat and he hangs out with David Miscavige. And just even saying the name probably means we're not going to be able to air this episode.

But you know, I mean, they're so fucking litigious. But at the end of the day, like Tom is a very hyper human being. He jumps on couches in that Oprah interview. He's flashing out at Matt Lauer. This is what happens when you don't take your psychiatric medication. Because you're acting like a 14 year old and you're 67. He's jumping out of planes without fucking safety gear.

He wants to do all his own stunts. He's just, but there's some appreciation I have for the way that he lives his life. I absolutely do too. He just don't give fucks. He doesn't give fucks. And he's rich and powerful enough to not give fucks. And he backs it up by producing incredible movies.

And he's like so hands on with them. He knows what the public wants. I know. I didn't want to like the second Top Gun, but I did. I haven't even seen it, but it's the best movie ever. I wouldn't call it the best movie ever, but it's a great movie. Well, they're saying like Mission Impossible 84 or whatever they're on, is the best action movie ever made?

Really? With a 67 year old dude? I mean, but yeah, because he's driving a real motorcycle over a real canyon and It does it all himself. Yeah, it's unbelievable You know Harrison Ford used to do all his own stunts too or most of his own stunts also in the Indiana Jones movies But even he wised up. He's like fuck after he crashed that plane. He's like, I'm not doing this anymore. What the fuck am I doing? I'm breaking bones. I don't know There's some small appreciation that I do have for Tom Cruise and the way that he lives his life. And he is like the Taylor Swift of movies. He's all in, he's hands on, he does it all himself, and he knows what the public wants. So what can you do

there? Keanu Reeves is just kind of a dude. He's like the dude. He's like the real version of the dude from The Big Lebowski. And he also, deservedly so, does a lot of his own stunts, but he also gets a lot of people to watch his movies. I think because we all know, deep down inside of our hearts, that Keanu Reeves is like as close to the Buddha as we're ever going to get. I mean, he has a lot of guns, but you know, he's besides all that. He is like as close to the Buddha as we're ever going to get. I mean, he has a lot of guns, but you know, he's besides all that, he's like as close to the Buddha as we're going to get on earth. Yeah, he's like helping children and signing autographs and telling people they're cool. This is what you could have been Ashton Kutcher, you could have been,

had you not defended your shithead co-star there. You know, I was reading about... Oh yeah, that's right. They made That 70s Show, which was a great show in the moment. I don't know if it's aged very well, probably because all the drama we know about the people who actually made the show. But That 70s Show was a great show when it was on. And then they did That 80s Show. And who the fuck ever watched That 80s Show? I did not.

Now they have That 90s Show, which is on Netflix. Yeah, apparently, you know, those two, Mila Cunhaes and Ashton Kutcher showed up on an episode or two to kind of like, you know, further the storyline. This, the people who are- Were they like the parents or something? Yeah, they're the parents now of the children who are on that 90s show, which makes sense. But I just don't think Ashton Kutcher and

Mila Kunis hold as much weight as they may have at one point. I think there was that one point where all like, oh, Ashton's a pretty cool guy. And now I'm like, what a shithead. I mean, honestly, like what a dumbass. That's my personal opinion. I forget too that he was with Demi Moore for so long. Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, I know you kind of forget about that. And now I'm seeing these pictures with like Bruce Willis, his new wife, all his children and Demi Moore, all like Christmas morning wearing pajamas hanging out.

Yeah, well now. That's the way you do it. Well, except he's got that bad disease now. Well, yeah, but I mean, I say that's the way you do it when I mean is like- Like the blended family. Yeah, like the blended family and when someone's in trouble, they all come together, regardless of how they feel about each other or what past they may have.

Yeah. That to me is a beautiful thing. I like it. I agree. I really do enjoy it. But what a scary thing for Bruce Willis. And I was a number of people have been diagnosed with that. I know. Early onset super quick dementia.

Yeah. That's scary shit. That is scary shit. Put me out of my misery. That's all I gotta say. I mean, I'm not suggesting that anyone hurt anybody, but put me out of my misery, if that's what happens to me. Send me off to Sweden. Put me in one of those, you know. Jared Larsen Off to Sweden. Jared Larsen Yeah, yeah. They have those tubes. You put yourself in,

you press a button, and then there you go. Done. Jared Larsen And you disintegrate? Jared Larsen You just go. Yeah. You just float off into the night. Jared Larsen And then put me in one of the, and then burn me and put me in a tree or whatever they're doing now. They grow a tree out of your body. They do. It's crazy.

Yeah. That's the way I want to go. I heard someone the other day and something I was listening to say they wanted to just be put into the ground, like just straight into the ground. Just... And just disintegrate. Like a dog. Like burying a dog in your backyard.

Yes. I was never down with that. You know, I just read, this is an interesting segue. I actually have this story open. I didn't intend to segue into this, but I'll segue into it. You know that Kristin Kirsten, whatever her name is, Noem, Kristi Noem, the governor of South Dakota?

Right, right, right, yeah. What a crackpot. Anyway, let's get beyond her politics. And I'm reading a story that she executed her dog and a goat in front of a construction crew a number of years ago. She wrote it in a book that she executed her dog for being annoying and obnoxious and killing a few chickens on her farm. What? Executed the dog and then just buried it. And then her kids were like, where's Cricket or whatever the dog's name is, where's Cricket? And she's like, I don't know.

And the construction crew is probably like, like miles wide open because she killed the dog, just killed it because it got loose and killed the chicken. Isn't that what psychopaths do? I am pretty sure that's what psychopaths do. And Brian, listen, if Blue is still alive, Cricket should still be alive. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't care how annoying your dog is.

You've never met a dog as annoying as Blue. And she's still breathing. I have not executed her and I do not intend to. How many years and days a week have I been coming here? I mean, thousands and thousands, not thousands of years, but thousands of times have I walked in that door and it's the same dance every time. Jared Ranere Yeah, you got to, she jumps up on you, you got to move to the left, move, quiet, quiet, quiet, shut up! So, my youngest is walking

and starting to talk. Beth Dombkowski Yeah, she is. Jared Ranere So, and I'll share this story in the next segment, but my wife goes out of town for a day, one day, that's it. Gone in the morning, comes back at night. That's just a 15 hour window. Yes. And I'm trying to get everybody out the door for school,

and the dog is just like, every time someone goes in or out of that door, it's a signal to that dog, Blue, to go fucking apeshit. This is a go crazy. Yeah. And it's like, dude, we're just leaving. We do this every day four times a day. We're leaving the house.

You're okay. Everything's going to be okay. But she is so wound up and she's so fucking obnoxious that she will not stop barking like loudly, sharply. It kind of hurts your ears. Yes. And so we're all trying to get out of the door. Yes, guys, who are totally nose.

We're all trying to get out of the door. And my youngest walks up to the dog and she's got her shoe in her hand and she like starts swinging it at the dog. We don't hit the dog, but she's like swinging it, not to hit it, but like she's going like this and she's going no No Why it? Like no quiet If blue is still alive cricket should still be alive, I can't believe this lady put it in a book

She's the fucking governor of South Dakota. I mean that that's one of those things you just kind of shut the fuck up about right? Yeah, I Understand there are circumstances upon which you have to put a dog down because they're dangerous. Now, it says that he was, the dog was killing chickens. Well, dogs are going to kill chickens. That's what dogs in the wild would do. They'd kill them and they'd eat them. So, but she says it was, the dog was only like 17 months old too, and it was untrained. I mean, 17 months. You're not giving the dog a whole lot of time to live and try it out. But anyways, what a fucked up thing to do. And then she buries it in the backyard.

I never, back to the point, I never understood burying a dog in the backyard. I don't even understand, like, it just doesn't make any sense to me why you would want a dead rotting corpse in the backyard unless you had a farm where there's plenty of land and no one's ever going to see the maggots crawling out of the earth. But like, isn't there some disease that can happen if you just like burying dead things in your backyard? It seems like it. Jeez, it seems so weird. Crazy. No, we never did that. My family didn't do that.

No, but you had a lot of dogs too. We did. We had a lot of cats, dogs, fish. Your mom? My family didn't do that. No, but you had a lot of dogs too. We did. We had a lot of cats, dogs, fish. Your mom like opened up the house for that? Yes. She was an animal lover. She was an animal lover? She liked to take in pathetic little things?

That was her thing? She like find cats on the side of the road and bring them home? Yes, and dogs. Yeah, I could never live with a person like that. I lived with a lady, I lived with a girl for years. And she was like that. And I just had to put my foot down. I'm like, listen, we do not need to adopt every single stray animal that I wish I

could. I honestly do. But at some point, it's not practically, you're not practically able to do that with every single creature that you see. This is coming from the guy who drove 50 miles to save a bird and the bird was flying around the car. That's right. Scaring the shit out of Astrid. And I'm like, we gotta get there to save the bird. Astrid's like, I'm pretty sure it's fine. It's flying around the car. That's right. Oh my gosh. It scared the fuck out of us. We're swerving all over some Florida highway and the bird's like, ah, ah. Close the windows. Astrid's like, it's fine, it's fine.

Let it out. Open the windows. Yeah, open the windows. Not that Astrid didn't want to save it, she came on the ride with me, but I think she figured, okay, we saw it flap its wings, it'll be all right. Let it go.

But no, Brian had to drive to the bird sanctuary that was closed, by the way. It wasn't even open, but they had a box outside. They wanted me to put the bird in. Well, the bird's flapping all around. And I'm like, I'm like pushing it in there. It's like pecking me. Like, ah, ah, get in your cage. Sorry to take you from your home on the beach and stuff you into some box, but you're going to be fine now. Everything's going to be good. A better life awaits.

You just have to wait till Monday at 9 a.m. Monday, 9 a.m. Everything's going to be fine. Yeah, take a little nap. Sleepy time for the bird. Well, hopefully that bird's still alive somewhere. I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so.

The weirdest thing about that whole situation, and this is a story I told a long time ago on the commercial break, Astor and I were at a beach and we were just hanging out there and I was taking a run and on the way back from the run, right in front of where the family was sitting on the beach where they had like, you know, the little camped out there, there was a bird and it was like, just like trying to flap its wings, but it wasn't and it was, looked dizzy and confused. And I was really upset about this. I was like, geez, and had some kind of film on its wings. I got really upset about this and I had the guy that was at the beach club, I had him bring me a box and I put it in the box and I had

a towel and I wrapped it around it. But it just seemed really in very bad shape. And so, I started calling around the island trying to figure out who could help this bird. Well, of course, you know, whatever, the DNR, you know, Department of Natural Resources, they're like, yeah, we don't come out for a single bird. Like, birds die, it's okay, you know? And I was like, well, that's not very DNR of you. Okay. I'm not calling the Do Not Resuscitate hotline, I'm calling the Department of Natural Resources, right? And then, but luckily, there were a couple of bird sanctuaries. Well, all of them were closed, except one lady answered the phone and she said, yeah, we see this all the time. There's a Navy submarine encampment, you know, base right down the street, right down the submarine encampment,

you know, base right down the street, or right down the beach encampment. There's a Navy base down the street. It got tense out there. I know. I have a terrible headache. And you know when like headaches start to affect the way that you think, you know what I'm saying?

That's where I'm at right now. I'm like, oh God, my brain's not working. So there's this Naval base, and the Naval base uses a certain kind of substance to wash off the submarines, to clean the submarines. And we believe that that's a neurotoxin to these birds. And so whenever they go cleaning the subs, we end up having a number of these birds. So I'm not open today.

I won't be open till Monday. But in the ass-backward swamp of Florida, somewhere 50 miles away from where you happen to be, if you just drive down this dirt road for 14 miles, then you'll see a box in the middle of nowhere where you stuff the bird and I'll pick it up on Monday. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So Astrid and I put that box in there, we have the towel covering it, and we're riding. And Astrid's in the back holding the box, like, you know, holding the towel down in the box. And we're like halfway there, 20 miles into this journey, you know, and all of the sudden the bird just

like pops out like one of those clowns, we go, you know what I'm saying? Like a clown in the box. The Jack in the Box. Jack in the Box. It just pops its head out and it's like, it starts flying around the car and Esther jumps into the front seat. She's like, ah, and I'm like, ah! And starts flying around the car. And Esther jumps into the front seat, she's like, ah! And I'm like, put it back in the box, did you get it, I'm touching that fucking thing. It was like a comedy show going on in the car

for like 14 miles of the drive. And then we really did have to drive on this swamp road for ever and ever to get down there. So, you know, like I have this empathy for animals and when I see something that looks helpless hurt, I want to help it. I nurtured a squirrel once back to health, like I want to help it, but I can't take all of them in and then just leave them there indefinitely.

It's insane to me. I have a friend who's got basically an animal hospital going on in their house. Any given time, there's snakes and reptiles and, you know, squirrels and possums and raccoons are all running around everywhere. Every time I see a Facebook page, there's another fucking weird animal in their hands. The other day, it's like petting a possum. I'm like, what are you doing? I think it's full of disease and nastiness. Like, my goodwill stops at roaches and possums, you know what I'm saying? I don't feel bad for you. I'm sorry, I just don't because you're kind of weird. You're like little aliens crawling around this earth and I'm not sure you should be here. So, I don't know

if my empathy extends that far. If you're a dog or a cat or a cute little bird, those things I want to have. I mean, I'll swerve to miss it. Yeah, of course you swerve to miss it. Causing accidents. Every time I swerve to miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself, one of these days I'm going to die because I swerve, just miss a squirrel or a chipmunk, I think to myself, one of these days I'm going to die because I swerve to miss the... I know, but it's like your first instinct, right? Of course.

I mean, you're not to just keep going. There was the other day... I guess unless there is a car oncoming. Yeah, you got to be careful. I know it is a natural instinct. That's what makes it so dangerous. I know. It's like, you know, it's like a, I don't know, like some weird tick that you have. It's like, ah!

Jared, I know. Jared, the other day, one of my kids is like, was, has been for months growing increasingly anxious about bugs, right? And she doesn't want to see bugs, bugs, bugs, dad, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs. But we've been trying to talk her out of it, talk her down off the ledge. Listen, most bugs don't want to hurt you. They have no interest. There are some bugs, like, bugs, bugs. But we've been trying to talk her out of it, talk her down off the ledge. Listen, most bugs don't want to hurt you. They have no interest. There are some bugs, like roaches, that you just kill. And then, so, we're outside, we're playing around, she notices every bug and she goes, oh, daddy, look, there's an ant. This is big black ant, and it's crawling around the sidewalk, and we're out there dancing on the sidewalk.

And she's crawling around and I'm like, oh, and she's like, oh, daddy, ant. And I go, no, no, no, he's just crossing the road. He'll be fine. You know, let him go. Just let him do his thing. He's not gonna, he's not gonna hurt you. She's sitting there and she's looking and, you know, she's like, oh, see daddy, he's so cute. He just wants to cross the road. And I'm like, I know. And then one of my other kids comes with a double-footed stomp and just stomps on the ant and goes, see, I took care of it. And I'm like, thanks, guy. Thanks, pal. And now she's crying about the bug. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

We got to let those little guys just keep going. What did you kill him for? You know, Mia was scared. All right, but Mia can have therapy. The ant is no longer. It's either existence or therapy. We can deal with one of those. The other one's not coming back. You know what I'm saying, kid? You got to make sure of it.

Stop. All right, let me tell you about my day with the children. When we get back. Oh, okay. I'm very interested to hear. Oh, Nellie. All right, we'll be back. I know you're already on your phone, so pull up Instagram and follow us at The Commercial Break and then follow us on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Done? Perfect. Thank you.

Since you're at the ready, why not text us hello at 212-433-3TCB or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story, or anything really, we're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212-433-3TCB. And don't forget to check out tcbpodcast.com because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. I'm going to share that I've been going through a difficult time lately with one of my family

members. No trauma, no huge drama, just a difficult situation that I'm trying to navigate. It's times like these when I'm grateful I've got a therapist that I can speak with. Therapy for me is the release valve. It's a place I can go and speak to an objective third party about even the smallest of details in my life. I've been using therapy for many years to help me navigate these difficult situations, but then to also work on some of the bigger issues we as human beings all experience, and I'd like to think it's making me a little bit of a better person. If you haven't given

therapy a try, or it's been a while since you've been to therapy, I'd like to recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is designed to be easy, convenient, and fits your schedule. It's all online. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire, and then you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for any reason, no additional cost. Whether you're trying to work through some big traumatic event, or you're just having trouble getting through the minutia of life, therapy can help.

You can start today and get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash commercial today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash commercial. Take a few minutes, prioritize your own wellbeing, and you can start at betterhelp.com slash commercial. Get 10% off that first month.

And we want to thank BetterHelp for being a continuing sponsor of the commercial break. Hey, Podcast Universe. I'm super excited to be talking about an old friend of mine, Jordan Harbinger, and his podcast, The Jordan Harbinger Show. You know that Chrissy and I don't do a lot of talking about other podcasts, but The Jordan Harbinger Show definitely deserves a mention and here's why. Imagine the serious version of the commercial break where you actually learn facts from actual experts and in-depth interviews.

All the crazy, interesting, weird, and philosophical stuff that we find on the commercial break to have fun with, Jordan takes some of those same topics and he applies a degree of serious journalism to it and he is an excellent interviewer, maybe one of the best in the business in my opinion. We know for a fact that a lot of people who listen to the commercial break also listen to the Jordan Harbinger Show.

So if you haven't yet taken a listen, go search the Jordan Harbinger Podcasts on Apple or wherever you get your podcasts or head over to his website, JordanHarbinger.com. That's H-A-R-B as in boy, I-N as in Nancy, G-E-R. Jordan has been a long time supporter of the show and many people have written in and thanked me for turning them on to Jordan Harbinger, including one of our staff members who is like a Jordan Harbinger super fan.

And to quote her, Jordan Harbinger is like the commercial break with actual facts and a lot less laughing. We think you're gonna love the Jordan Harbinger show. So go search on Apple, wherever you find your podcasts or get started with those starter packs at JordanHarbinger.com. And we wanna thank Jordan for being a supporter of the commercial break.

Knowing how to speak and understand a new language can be an invaluable tool when traveling, meeting new friends, or just even to master a new skill. But it's not always simple when you're bogged down by textbooks and structure classes. That's why so many people trust Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program, available on desktop or as an app. It truly immerses you in the language you want to learn, like Spanish, French, Italian, Chinese, and more. You won't just be studying English translations.

The Rosetta Stone intuitive process helps you pick up a language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time, listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash rs10. That's 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com slash rs10 today. All right. So Astrid has to go down to Miami just for the day, to sign a piece of paper regarding a citizenship, right? Beth Dombkowski That's what she said.

Jared Sussman That's what she says, exactly. And I'll explain this in a second, Wyeth, for a second, I thought, hmm, I don't know. Beth Dombkowski She just needed a day off. Jared Sussman She needed a day off to be with her sexy, you know, hunky Hispanic boyfriend. So she's got to go down there just for the day. It's kind of like a gotta do it kind of situation. We have no choice. It's literally planned within 24 hours, and she's on her way. And she's like, listen, I know, I'm sorry, I got, you know, I gotta do this, I'll leave you everything done. She's really so concerned about her children's ability to actually live through an entire

15-hour window with dad just by himself. So, she's like sitting me down to have this big conversation with me. She writes this huge one. Oh, I'm sure. And she's like, you know, kids wake up at this time, breakfast here, do this, this kid gets that, that kid gets that. I've got these instructions. And I'm playing so flip and coy. I'm like, listen, I got it. You don't think I can take care of these kids? I helped make them. I know how to take care of kids. Like, we're parents together. And she goes, yeah, kind of. In your mind. Kind of, yeah, kind of. But you like actually don't do most of the stuff I do and you're mostly fucking around by that microphone and like you're kind of not participating in all

the hard stuff. So yes, you do, you are a parent, technically, on the birth certificate, but I'm not entirely sure that counts much for this particular situation. Because I'm like taking such offense to this. I'm like, I got it. I got it. Don't worry. Feed the kids, clothe them, let them shit and shower and shave, and then we're out the door, right? And she's like, Brian, kids don't shave at this age. And I'm like, well, whatever. You get what I'm saying. And she's like, what are you going to do? You know, you got to think about what you're going to do because you're not going to have your morning press conference time. You're not going to be able to go get your cup of coffee. Like you got to plan for all this because it's not going to happen.

I just want to like, I'm helping you along here. You know, you got to think. And I just, I'm running into this like a bowl in a china shop. I'm like, fuck it. Whatever happens, we're going down. We're going down. We're going down with a bowl. It's just, that's the way it is.

Right? I'm going to get these kids up. They're going to be so ready. I'm going to bathe them. You You're gonna be dad of the year. I'm gonna have- I mean, picturing yourself, like, you know, Astrid comes back and the kids are like, we don't even need you anymore, Astrid.

That's what I was hoping. Yeah, like, Brian, daddy. Daddy did it. Had it covered. We did everything. Go back to Miami. Spend an extra couple of days there. Look at dad, superstar.

He's cooking, he's flipping, he's wiping butts, he's changing diapers, he's doing it all. Blue is sitting down, quiet, right in front of the door. Look at him. It's all, you know, the house is clean. He cleaned the car, he pressure washed the outside of the shutters. Dad did it all. Look at him. I think he's out there cutting the grass right now with two of the children on the lawnmower. Like,

he's so good at this. But man, do you not know what you got till it's gone? That's right. As the famous poet Mick Jagger once said, let me tell you something right now. That is not at all how it went down. And I should have probably expected this, but, and I did somewhere in my brain, know that there was going to be an emergency rip cord I was going to have to pull at some point. So, Astor's got to get, Astor's got to meet an Uber outside at like 4.45 in the morning to get to her flight so she can get to Miami in time to do what she needs to do. So, in preparation for that, the night before, I say, okay, shut it down, no studio stuff, I'm going to go to bed, 9, 9.30, I'm going to be asleep by 10.30, 11, so I can get up. When she leaves,

walk her to the Uber and then I'll come back, I'll sleep for an hour or two, I'll wake everybody up, we'll get going. Smooth sailing. Smooth sailing. This is my plan. But goddamn did it go sideways, right from the get. 3.15 in the morning, the baby is crying, right? She's in that age where she's just having trouble sometimes sleeping throughout the night, and she wants some comfort. 315 in the morning, baby's crying, Astrid goes in to soothe her. Astrid's got to get up at four. That 315 in the morning wake-up call from the baby also starts to rile the other two children, one of which I'm sleeping with in the bed. And so now I'm up. It's 3.15 and I'm up and I know my alarm is going to go off at 4.15 or whatever, because I'm going to go walk her out to the Uber. So in my head, you know

how you start, do you ever set an alarm and then get up like four minutes before the alarm goes off? It's the worst fucking thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is getting up five minutes before the alarm goes off. I kind of like it. I hate it. I kind of like it because then I'm not startled by the alarm. I'm with you on that. Yeah. But maybe not five minutes. Let's call it 15 or 20 minutes before the alarm goes off. Right. Yeah, you wanted that extra sleep. You need that extra sleep. I don't know why, but that 15 minutes before the alarm goes off is the most important sleep ever.

Because every time I wake up 15 minutes or 20 minutes or an hour before the alarm goes off, I start panicking in my own head. I got to get to sleep. I got to get to sleep. What do I do? What can I take? What do I drink? Where's the Tylenol?

Where's the Benadryl? Where's the Xanax? I got to get something so I can go back to sleep for 20 minutes. But now I am up. And by 3.35, I know I'm up. I'm like, well, fuck it. I'll just get up. Yeah. You just have to go with it. So four o'clock in the morning, 3.50 in the morning, Astrid comes back, manages to go

to sleep for another 20 minutes. How she does that, I have no idea. I wish I had that magic power, but she goes back to sleep for 20 minutes. Because as a mom, you take it where you can get it. That's true. Well, I mean, you know, there's dads too. Look at me. What about me? What about me? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. So now I'm just sitting there stirring mad that Astrid is the one who has to get up early and I'm the one who's already up early. I'm, I, I, I, I, I'm all pissed off, right? And I'm like, okay, let me turn on a show. It'll put me, lull me back to sleep like a baby.

Let me put on that fucking West Wing I've seen 75,000 times. And it's my little lullaby, right? And President Bartlett. Sam Seaborn and the whole crew, they're gonna put me to sleepy time. So I put it on, nothing works. I'm not going back to sleep. And so

now I'm up. So, I just decide I'm going to watch an episode of The West Wing and just stay up. Astrid gets up and I get up with her and then, you know, we're sitting in the kitchen, she's making coffee and something she can take on the plane to eat. And I'm just amazed by her composure. I'm amazed at the ability to plan. She's got 675,000 documents stuck in a bag that you can actually take on a plane without drama. She's thought of everything, right? I'm like, do you have this? Yes, do you have this?

Yes, do you have this? Yes, yes, yes, yes, I've got it all. You know how many times I would have walked back in the house had that been the same trip with me? You know how many times on the airplane I would have been like, oh shit, I forgot that piece of paper. I didn't bring a charger. I don't have a change of clothes. What about my shoes? Fuck, I didn't bring deodorant. God damn, God damn, God damn. But Astrid has it all laid out. She's ready to

go. This is what makes her a superhero and me, this is what makes her Keanu Reeves and me Tom Cruise. I'm like the lowly version of Keanu Reeves. I'm really not that cool in person, right? I'm doing splits on the dance floor. That's what's going on. Yeah. Astrid's panicked about the Uber ride because we all should be panicked about the Uber ride because really a stranger is coming to pick you up, right? And you don't know. But I see on the little Uber app, and she has every safety feature turned on. You got to do the- I do all those too.

Yeah. You got to do the pin. You're sharing it with multiple people. Yes. You know where you are, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she turned my iPhone, you know, find my iPhone. Okay, we're sharing our location. I walk her out, but I also noticed the guy has had 11,000 trips and has a 4.99 rating. So I'm like, 11,000 trips.

That's a pretty good trip. I don't think, I hope today's not the day he decides to go ape shit, you know? Does he turn into an ax murderer today? Probably not. I think you do that around trip 13,000. We're still good. So I walk her out to the Uber and I come back into the house and who's fucking barking blue? So blue's barking at me and now other children are up. Everybody's up. Not everybody. The baby's still sleeping, but the two that are the hardest to get to sleep are now up.

And so I'm like, they're like, daddy, it's morning time. And I'm like, no, it's not. Do you see it's dark outside? It's four fucking 50 in the morning. Let's go back to sleep for a couple of hours. Daddy. What? I have to go pee pee. No! Can't you hold it? Can't you hold it for two hours? Daddy? What? I just went pee pee. Ah! God.

Damn it! I get up, I take her to the bathroom, I come back. Now I'm smooshed in the middle of two children and one of them is playing games with her hands. She's like this, daddy, Maddy Posa. And I'm like, what? Maddy Posa. And I'm like, butterfly? Maddy Posa. And she's like doing her hands like this. Yes, in front of my face, right in front of my face. And I'm like, go to sleep. Daddy, secret, Matty Bosa. Waving her hands in front. I am so worked up right now, Hoadley. This is going to go one of two. And then the other kid on the other side, daddy, what? Can I turn on Disney Junior? No! 4.50 in the morning! What are you doing? Go back to sleep. Daddy, what?

Can I watch the West Wing on your phone? No, because now he likes my shows now, right? Exactly. Because he's going to put him to sleep too. This is going to go one of two ways, Chrissy. At this moment, it's like 515, 520 in the morning. This is going to go one of two ways. Either I am going to absolutely lose my shit and demand that these children go the fuck to sleep right now,

or I'm going to play the cool dad and I'm just going to let it roll, right? And I make a quick, probably the wrong decision, but I make a decision to just let it roll. Jared Sussman I would have too, yeah. Jared Okay. So, the girl, my daughter, manages to fall asleep. My son keeps asking me if he can watch the West Wing. Can I watch something on your phone? Can I watch something on your phone? And I'm like, no, you're not allowed to watch things on phones. First of all, second of all, no, no, no, no, no. You know what happens five minutes later? We're watching the West Wing on my phone. Of course you are. That's what we're doing, right? And he never goes back to sleep. So, at 5.45,

doing, right? And he never goes back to sleep. So at 5, 45, 6, 30, it was 5, 45, 6 o'clock in the morning, he's like, daddy, can I call mommy? And I'm like, why? And he goes, for breakfast? And I'm like, no, I'm going to make you breakfast. Well, mommy made you breakfast, but I'm going to actually heat it up for you. So at this point, I just give up. I'm like, okay, let's go. So, it's me. Yeah, let's start the day. Yeah, it's me and a couple of the kids. The first thing that this child does, the first thing. Now, I will remind you of what I have said on this show before. You never wake a sleeping baby. No. Don't ever think about it. Don't look it in the eye. Don't, don't. Just don't even look at the

door. When you pass the room, just don't even look at the door. You tiptoe past and you do everything you can to keep that baby asleep for as long as you can, because babies are a nightmare and when they're up, they're twice as worse. First thing that child does while I'm getting, like I wake up, I say, okay, go to the kitchen, I'll be there in a minute, you know, I'm waking up, I'm splashing water on my face, and then I can hear the baby. La la la la la la la la. And I'm like, oh shit, now the baby's up. And I walk in and my son's standing at the

crib and they're playing games. And I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, it's time to wake her up. And I'm like, no, it's not. It's never time to wake her up. You never wake a baby up. If that baby slept until it was five years old, it'd be too early to wake up. If I could pump milk straight into its vein and keep it sleeping until it can talk, walk and shit for itself, then I would. Because that's what babies are supposed to do. Look at all those pictures on Facebook, everyone's sleeping, because that's what babies should do. Why did you do that, child? So now, a number of us are up in the kitchen. And let me tell you something. Astrid does this every day, but I do not do this every day. She is the morning person, I am the night person. That's how it goes in this family. I take, you know, I do the sleeping

stuff and play with them in the afternoons. Astrid is up in the morning and does all the important stuff so that I could just play with them in the afternoon. I mean, honestly. I've seen this. I have seen this. It's a true story. So, I go to the refrigerator and Astrid has left me the breakfast, the lunches for the kids to go to school with. She has prepared notes for this lady, Noemi, who comes and helps us every day. I mean, every Tuesday and Thursday she comes and helps around the house. She has prepared notes for Noemi on what to do and how to make it and

get it all done. And she made pancakes for the kids. So, I heat up the pancakes. I put them in front of a couple of the children and I said, there, breakfast. Daddy, what? Where's mommy? She's in Miami. What time is she going to be home? Probably like, you know, five, six o'clock. I don't know why.

I don't want pancakes. Can mommy make me something else? And I'm like, I'm standing right here. You don't want me to make you something else? I don't think so. No, no. When your kids know you're a bad cook, it's a bad day at the office. When your kids don't even want your food, it's a bad day at the office. So I'm like, listen,

you eat those pancakes and you shut the fuck up. Do you hear me? I don't want you, I don't want to hear another word. Those have chocolate chips in them. Mom made them with love. And there's, what do you want? Pringles? Because I can make you Pringles. Is that what you want? Sour cream and onion Pringles? Would you like those for breakfast? Nicole Soule- You could do your ramen noodle dish. Jared Soule- You want some ramen noodles with Mexican cheese, sour cream, jalapenos, hot sauce and crackers? Nicole Soule- Yeah, the daddy special?

Jared Soule- Yes, it's, get you right off to school, right in the right way. You'll shit yourself before lunch. Nicole Soule- Yes. Jared Soule- Chrissy, breakfast is insane. I mean, it's insane. I got pancakes in front of all these children. None of them want them, right? They're chocolate chip pancakes. Who doesn't want chocolate chip pancakes? But I'm too busy to eat anything because you know why? Because I'm an idiot. I don't know any other stuff. I'm trying to get the lunches into the bag. I'm like, I got to get a water. Now all my kids are up and I'm like, oh, oh shit,

kids, we gotta leave in 30 minutes. Everybody, no one's eating their breakfast. Everybody, quick, stuff your, so now I'm throwing pancakes down everyone's throat. I'm literally putting pancakes into one of my daughter's throats. I'm like, you're going to eat this and you're going to like it and you're going to take it because that's what mommy left for you. And there's no other option. You will literally starve or you will eat this fucking pancake. That's what's gonna go on. And you're gonna do it right now without complaint. And then she goes, daddy, we need to do my hair. And I'm like, oh.

That's right, I wondered about the hair. I had been sweating this for two days since I knew that she was going to Miami. Cause she likes her hair done so pretty. Oh, she wants the princess Leia. She wants the bob tails. She wants it down, she wants multiple twists and braids.

This girl will not leave the house unless she feels her hair has been done appropriately by somebody. I know. And I'm telling you right now, I am not that somebody. It always looks so cute, dude. It does. And she is the one who tells Astrid how to do her hair. But Astrid knows all the ways to do her hair, right?

I always see them when I wake up in the morning. you know, a lot of times I'll take the kids to school, but I just wake up and literally shove them into the car and go. I don't even take a shower. I'm just like, hey, I just go. I see Astrid all the time, you know, they're in there for hours, I don't know, days, doing those hair things. And I'm like, I don't have it. So I told Astrid before she left, I said, what do I do with this one's hair? And she goes, well, just put it in a ponytail. Just put it in a ponytail. Just put it in a ponytail is like telling me to build a quantum computer. Just throw a little knowledge in there, you'll be fine.

Look at some Instagram videos from fathers that are much better than you. And boom, quantum ponytails. I am literally looking up those goddamn dad Instagram accounts trying to figure out those better dads than I am doing their daughter's hair on Whoopi Doopi and sending them out the door. I don't know the first fucking thing about hair. I've dated a lot of girls with ponytails. I'm only good at taking them off, not putting them back in. What do you want me to do?" So, now I'm negotiating with my daughter. She's standing on this little stand in front of her mirror in the kids bathroom. Hair is all like this. She's got beautiful hair, but it is thick. So, when-

Beth Dombkowski Thick and curly. Jared Sosnowski Yeah. And so, it's all curly and out to here. And I'm like, I definitely can't send you like this. And I'm like, listen, can I just do a ponytail? Beth Dombkowski I don't want a ponytail. What do you want? I want a double cross braid. I'm like, what the fuck is a double cross braid, hon? I don't know what that is. And she's like, mommy does it. Daddy? What? Can we call mommy? I said, no, we can't call her. She's on an airplane. So we're going to have to do this

together. Can you, can you, can we work together? Yeah, work with me. Let's work. And so, unbelievably, because this one refuses to wear what she doesn't wanna wear and look how she doesn't wanna look. If she doesn't like it, she's not doing it. But unbelievably, in one moment of grace in this whole goddamn thing, she felt sorry for me. And she said, fine.

So now I'm like, that's awesome. How the fuck do I do a ponytail? How do I do that? And she's like, daddy, take the water spray and then the stuff in the thing. She's pointing at the things that I need to do, right? And so now I'm spraying water all over her face, her hair, and her clothing, right? And then I'm pulling it back, she's like, ow, ow, ow, daddy, ow, ow. And I'm like, I don't know, I see people do this on horses all the time, they don't yell like this. Please, just give me a break, I don't know, I don't know how to do this. So finally, I get it wet enough, I put this purple conditioner, tangle, detangler conditioner. I take a little

bit, Chrissy, I'm talking like a little bit, a little circular dollop on my hand, and I put it on her hair and it sticks right to her scalp and I can't smooth it out. It's like this big goopy white shit on the back of her head. And I'm like, and I'm trying to like, you know, put it in the hair, like smooth it out, push it around. It's not going anywhere. It's just sitting right there, this big glop of white. And I'm like, Oh, fucking motherfucker. So I finally, I get out the brush and the second I get out the brush, it's tangle city. And I just can't push that shit around enough. And she's like, Oh, oh, daddy, can we call mommy? Oh, oh, no, we're not calling mommy.

So, I finally, and I mean, it took me a good 10 minutes, I finally managed to get like, so that it didn't have like a big white patch in the back of her head. It looks semi-normal, but really kind of weird and wet. And I have it in my hand, I have the ponytail in my hand. And I'm like, okay, what do I do now? I guess I put a little, you know, the elastic band on there. Yes. Chrissy, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to loop that band. So, I keep yanking her hair through these, I'm twisting it, I'm turning it, I'm yanking it, and she's, oh, daddy, oh, oh, oh. The poor girl's head is at a 90 degree angle staring at my face and I'm like yanking it

down. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know how to do this. And I got her into a ponytail. And let me tell you something. I got it into a ponytail and the second that I got it into that ponytail, the second she stepped off that thing, all of a sudden the hair's pulling out. So now she's got these random frizzy pieces of hair sticking everywhere.

And I'm like, wow, that's beautiful. Look how pretty you look. We really did a good job. Look how pretty you look. And she's swinging her hair back and forth. She's like, thanks, daddy. And I'm like, no problem. She's like, I want a picture. And I'm like, nope, nope, no picture needed. No picture needed. And she's like, daddy, I want a picture. Show mommy. So I take a picture and I'm like, I'm going to send it to mommy right now. And she's like, Daddy, I want a picture, show Mommy. So I take a picture and I'm like, I'm going to send it to Mommy right now. And she's like, let me see. And I'm like, no, no. I was going to press delete.

I'm sending it to Mommy right through the trash can. See, you drag, you drop, you put it through the trash can, goes right to Mommy. Mommy's the trash can. She looks at that picture and she looks at me and she's like, Oh, it's coming out. And I'm like, I know babe, but we just got to go. Like we got to go. It's pajama day at the school. Oh, well that probably helped.

It did help, except my son who wants to wear red, one of my sons wants to wear red Christmas socks pulled up above his knee, knee socks, Christmas socks, my Christmas socks. He wants to put my Christmas socks on above his knee and then wear like a Super Mario pajama shorts and short sleeve. And I'm like, son, you kind of look like a crazy Swedish person. You look like you're about to yell out for some cough laws or something. Like you're about to blow in one of those horns. Nicole Suellentrop Oh, right. Right with the knee socks.

Jared Suellentrop Yeah, like the yodeler. Nicole Suellentrop Yes. Jared Suellentrop Meanwhile, the daughter who just got her hair done wants to wear a red frozen dress with bright pink pants under it and then ballet shoes to school. These two kids look like they have been de-homed. It looks like a blind person took them for the morning. So they're like standing at the front door, all of them just looking a hot mess, hot fucking mess. And they go, let's take a picture for mommy. And now Astrid's like, show me a picture. Right, right.

She's landed. She's like, how are things going? She's not even landed. She's still on the plane. She's texting me, but she's like, let me see. How are things going? And I'm like, oh, everything's fine over here. They're hungry.

They haven't been fed. I'm pretty sure no one's peter pooped today. I think I left their lunches out all night. I'm not sure they're still good. And take a look. Here they are. And she's like, oh my God, that's her response, oh my God. Now she's worried that the people at school are going to be like, she's like, make sure to tell the teachers that I'm in my age. Make sure to tell the teachers I had nothing to do with this. And I'll tell you what those teachers said right after this

break. We'll be back. Christina Pfeiffer What? Oh, hi, it's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TCBDO. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking,

but I promise this is the last TCB phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-433-3TCB. Once more for the people in the back, that's 212-433-3TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at youtube.com slash The Commercial Break.

That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. Embrace something new at Starbucks. Introducing the Ice Lavender Cream Oat Matcha Tea Latte. A creamy drink where smooth matcha meets subtle floral notes from our airy lavender cream cold foam. Only this spring. Only at Starbucks. Ice Lavender Cream Oat Matcha Tea Latte includes dairy. This ad for Fizz is only 25 seconds long, but we had to pay for 30.

Those leftover 5 seconds shouldn't just disappear, right? It's kinda like what happens to your unused mobile data at the end of each month. Except at Fizz, your unused data from the end of the month rolls over, so you can use it the next month. Hey, you paid for it, so keep it. Try the other side. Get started at fizz.ca. If you need some time to think it over, here's five seconds. Certain conditions apply. Details at phys.ca. Alright, so I managed to get everybody out of the door

and I managed to get them out of the door with like five minutes to spare. Like I know we're a little bit early and I'm like, oh, this is awesome. I'm gonna be dad of the year when I show up, the kids are dressed, they're gonna have something for lunch, they're alive, that's the thing I'm most proud of. They are alive, yes.

And so I take the baby, I stuff her in the car, 13 children pack into the, you know, 1973 Honda Volkswagen we have and we're just like Honda Volkswagen. I picture you like that Clark Griswold station wagon. Oh my God, Chrissy. Everyone's packed into the car, and I'm buckling them all up.

Everyone's got a seat, so you gotta buckle. Oh yeah. They're all constrained so tightly. It's kind of weird, actually. And everyone looks a hot mess, and I am now exhausted, like just exhausted. Of course. And I'm thinking to myself, God damn angel

I have on my side with Astrid. Please do not let that plane fall out of the sky. Please, please, because I need her desperately. For so many reasons, personal and selfish, not to mention the children just need Astrid because she is so good at this. And I, you know, I've had some friends who've been single mothers, and I always knew it was this. And I, you know, I've had some friends who've been single mothers, and I always knew it was tough. And I spent a lot of time with them, and a couple of them I dated, and I knew just how tough it was because I saw them. But they were older children that could take care of themselves, like shit and wash and clean, you know, all the thing, feed themselves and do all that. And I always thought to myself, I am really admiring how much it takes to be a single parent. And just a 15-hour window

made me understand that it would be almost impossible to do this by yourself. Almost impossible. Yes, I agree. So, we're in the car, I got everybody buckled up, which is like a 10-minute thing to do, right? And I start pulling out of the driveway and my daughter, same one with the hair and now the frozen dress with the bright pink, you know, leggings on, goes, daddy, do we need to do this one? She's completely unbuckled. And I'm like, oh, yes. This is the second time this has happened in two months, by the way. One time Astrid and I were

in the car and we took this like long trip somewhere and we got home. And when we get home, Astor's like, the daughter goes, I made it the whole ride without this. And we were like, oh, shit. Nicole Soule-Nichols They do have a lot of buckles. Jared Sarr Yeah, there's a lot of buckles. Nicole Soule-Nichols Yes. Jared Sarr And all of them have buckles. And I just forgot this one. You know, what are you going to do? I figured, you know, 17 out of 18 isn't bad. Nicole Soule-Nichols Right.

Jared Sarr It's not bad. I have a pretty good batting average. Just the safety feature was... Yeah, just the part that actually keeps them in the chair should an accident occur is not buckled, but she's in her seat, technically. So we drive up to that school and we are the first ones there for drop off, which is great. I'm like, this is amazing. Look at me. I did it. Look at me. I did it.

I am thinking my day is over. Everything. I just did it. I just got a couple hours in the afternoon to make it and that's it. Right? Now I can just take the baby home. The one that doesn't go to school. I just take the baby home. Noemi is there. She can help me a little bit. We get lunch prepared for the kid. Everything will be fine. Now I get to that school and the teachers come out and they're all in pajamas. So everybody's in pajamas. The teachers come out to for the kids, everything will be fine now. I get to that school and the teachers come out and they're all in pajamas. So, everybody's in pajamas. The teachers come out to grab the kids from the carpool line and I get them out and the teacher, who happens to be one of my son's actual homeroom teacher, is like, oh, wow, everybody looks so nice. And I'm like, yep, I did it all myself. Astrid went to Miami today. She goes, I noticed.

I thought to myself, this is not the normal. This is not what I usually see. I know you drop them off a lot, but normally they look like human beings. Now they look like animals. Okay, it's okay. I'll take them in. I'll redo the ponytail. I notice it when my daughter had the hair incident,

got home, her ponytail was redone. I was gonna say, I knew that would happen with the teacher. Come here, honey. Some teacher took pity on her and did it. So I go, we close the door, that was just me and the baby in the car, and the second that we leave, that baby has a holy fucking meltdown. Oh no!

Probably because she knows now it's just me with daddy. I'm fucked. Leave me at school. I know I've never been, but today could be my first day. Don't leave me alone with him. She's screaming to the teachers like, help! Help! I haven't even had my milk this morning. Oh my God. We get home and thank the Lord, there's another mother in the house, Noemi,

who is a mother herself and she's like, as soon as I walk in the door, by the way, Noemi's just standing there like this with her hands up, give her to me. Before you kill her, give her to me. That's just best. It's time I take over. Yeah, it's like those cop movies where at the end everyone's pointing guns at each other and some cop is like, put the gun down.

Just put it down, it's not worth it. You don't wanna do this right now. That's how Noemi was, put her down. Just put it down, give it to me. Come on, just give it to me. Put her on the ground. So she does, I do a little bit of work, you know, I come back, I put her for a nap, and now all of a sudden it's time to pick the kids up from school. I literally did two things and now it's time to

pick the kids up from school. And I'm like, geez, that went fast. I was hoping I'd get a nap and whack off. I don't know, I had to do something. I could do something while Astrid isn't here. I could look at my, you know, old pictures of Sears catalogs and get a jerk off in there. I don't know, something cool. A little nap right after. I know, I barely had time to shower. Now I got to go right back out the door. It's amazing. It's amazing. I go, I pick up the kids, you know, hey kids, how was school? You know, I noticed that the ponytail was redone. The socks were put in the appropriate place. And the kids ate every bit of their lunch. By the way, they never do that.

There is always some bit of food left and we're always kind of fussing at them. Like, you got to eat all your food. Like, what are you doing? You know, you got to eat all your food. Nope, not this time. Every bit of the lunch was gone because they didn't get a proper breakfast because they didn't like what daddy was serving them. They were so hungry by the time lunch came that they had to eat every little bit. So now we gotta go, we gotta get home, we gotta hang out for a minute, get a little snack, and then we gotta go to activities. Gymnastics, ballet, that's on the agenda for today, right? I got to get them there by a certain time. So, Noemi helps me get the hair done again. We dress up inappropriately. I had to take a phone call, probably about maybe 30 minutes before

we were supposed to leave. I finished that phone call. When I came out, Noemi is getting them all dressed. So, and I didn't even ask her to do this. Noemi is- She just knew. She knew. She's like, this guy is just poor dude. He was really left to the wolves here. Even though I have a note, messages, you know, videos showing me how tutorials from Astrid on the iPad, I can't do any of it. I'm like, I'm pretty, I'm pretty, I'm getting like a D minus here on, on they're alive. so that gives me a passing grade, but barely. Jared Oh, yeah.

Jared We get into the car, we drive down, not very far, we drive down and we go to this big, you know, like a neighborhood gymnasium is what it is, right? The local gymnasium where they have all the activities. And they're both supposed to be there at the exact same time, one of them for a 45 minute class, one of them for a 55 minute class. So, I don't know how Astor does this. But the first person I drop off is ballet. I'm like, ballet. And I get there and I know one of the ladies because the kids go to school together. So, it's like, we're all friendly. So, she happens to be there and I'm like, oh, thank God. And so, I'm like, listen, can you just hang out here with this one for a minute while I go take that one? And she's like, oh, is today the day,

Astrid, she said you might need some help. And I'm like, is there like a special board for moms to talk about when dads are going to fuck shit up? Yes, she, Astrid alerted everyone. Astrid alerted everyone. Astrid alerted everyone. So I go, I take the other one, I take my son over to his gymnastics class, I run back over to the other side of the building where my daughter is taking this ballet class. And now there's like five mothers that are there for the kids with, the girls with the ballet class.

And they're all like, oh, where's Astrid? And I'm like, oh, she's down in Miami today. And they're like, oh, do you need anything? Can I help you out with anything? And I'm like, yeah, could you take them? Could you just take them and I'll go pick up Astrid and I'll come back and get them later? So the whole, and here's, here's a funny part. So this lady that we know who is super sweet and we love her, she knows that we have the podcast. We've been over to this person's house for dinner and her husband and I like them both. They're really cool people. Like I'm standing, there's a seat here and then there's the window where you can look in here and there's like in this big hallway and there's

all these mothers that are crowded around, not only for the ballet class, but for other classes, all these mothers, mainly mothers. I don't see another dude in the mix, right? It's all moms. And everyone's chatting and chatting and chatting. And this lady that I know starts talking to me and she starts talking about the show, right? Like, oh, I remember you had this episode, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Chrissy, I have never run so fast in my entire life. It's only seven steps away, but I took those seven steps so quick right toward her and I was like in her face whispering. I'm like, yeah, that was a good episode. We should probably not say anything else about it.

Yeah, let's just drop it. Here in front of people that in the community that probably aren't going to like the show. Don't talk about it. It's like the Incubus, don't talk about the incubus. So I'm darting back and forth between the two classes. And now I see that my son has gone in this huge gymnasium where they have like real gym meets, right? He has gone behind this big curtain with the class. My daughter gets done first.

I grab her, we go, we sit, we were waiting on these bleachers. But I can't see my son because he's behind this big curtain with a bunch of the other kids. And I'm like, this is fine. I'll sit here. I'll watch, you know, I'll see them when they come back to go up the stairs to come near the bleachers and go out the door. I'll see them. No problem. So I'm sitting there. My daughter runs up to see somebody. She's like, oh, my friend's up there. Can I go? Yeah, go, you know, you go sit up there. Blah, blah. I'm sitting there, I'm just waiting, I'm watching, I'm so exhausted, but I'm like, okay, I'll see him when he comes, I know what he's wearing, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, he's supposed to be done at 410. 410 comes and goes. Now it's like 412, 413. And now I see outside that there's a bunch of parents are grabbing their kids from these activities. And I'm like, I didn't see him, where is he? And now I'm getting a little bit concerned. Of course, yeah. So I say, hey, daughter, come down here. Let me, you know, we gotta go find your brother. And so, I'm walking around, now I'm walking around the building. Now it's like 415, 416, 417. And I'm like, oh my God, where did he go? Like, is he done? Is he not done? Is he behind the curtain? And then I go and I look where they put their shoes, like for the activities,

they put their shoes, and I can see his shoes are still there, but he is not there. He's nowhere. And I'm like, he's nowhere. And there's hundreds of people walking around this building, and it's a big building. And I have, for just one minute, for just a minute, I have an absolute panic attack. This is the worst feeling in the world. And I've never really had this moment with my children. Astrid had the exact same situation happen a couple of months ago, but I've never had it. And I am panicked. Now I'm holding my daughter, I'm running around the gymnasium like a madman, like, where is my son? Has anybody seen my son? Have you seen my son?

He's got socks up to his knees. Have you seen him? He's got my Christmas socks on. And parents, what I like about most parents is they get concerned with you, right? They're like, did you find him? Do you know where he is? Do you see him? What's he wearing? And so I'm like, oh gosh, where is he? Where is he? Now I'm thinking about running down on the gym mat where all these like professional athletes are, I mean, these girls that are like 13, 14 years old, they're like real deal gymnast. They're doing 40 flips in the air and they're all practicing for a big meet that's tomorrow. And so I, I didn't give a shit.

I'm like, I'm going down there. I'm walking through that mat and I'm going to go find my kid. I'm going to ask that coach where he dropped my kid off. Right. And so I run into the gym to go do this. I've got my daughter. I'm totally panicked. And all of a sudden I can feel someone hitting me on my back and I turn around and it's my son. And he's upset because he's like, Daddy, I, I, I, I, I, I,

there's a lady with him and she's like, he was in the ladies restroom. And I was like, what? And she goes, he was in the ladies restroom looking for his mommy. And I was like, oh, I go, I thank you so much. Like, thank you so much. And I'm like, son, what, where did you go? And he's like, I didn't see you, so I thought maybe mommy took the other one to go to the bathroom. It was confusing. I went in the boy's bathroom, I went in the girl's bathroom, I checked over there, and I was like, oh my God, so he is freaking, right? He's stressing hard. He's like, I didn't see you, and I'm like, oh my God, son, you went, stay with the shoes. When in doubt, stay with the shoes. You can't talk to strangers. And he'm like, oh my God, son, you went, stay with the shoes. When in doubt, stay with the

shoes. You can't talk to strangers. And he's like, I had to talk to a stranger because I was in the girl's bathroom. We get the kids home. I get them bathed. I feed them dinner. And now everybody, it's time for bed. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to start doing the bedtime routine. But it comes apparent and very quickly becomes apparent that I have no idea how to get these kids to bed separately. How do you do that? They're babies, they're children, they're toddlers. Like, how do I put one to bed in a room while the other two are safely somewhere else? You can't do that. You have to keep your eyes on them all the time. So we all had to stay up till mommy got home and everyone was tired and fucking upset

and stressed and all they wanted was Mommy. So I am literally watching her Uber from the airport and I'm giving updates and they're asking me every three minutes, where's Mommy? And I'm like, she's 38 minutes away. And one of my kids goes, that's so long. And I'm like, has it been that bad with me? Yes. That's his response. Yes. I'm like, well, fuck you too. There you go.

How do you like that? You think the last five years with you has been all dandy? Now's an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. We're like yelling at each other. Take everybody out, I push them out on the front porch and I say, fine. Let's all wait for mommy right here. Let's go outside. Let's go outside. We'll wait for mommy. I know. I want her just as bad as you do. Let's just go outside and wait for her. So we are literally all outside. Everyone's dancing because they know mommy's coming home.

Mommy's coming home. Here comes Mom in the Uber. She's gonna save our life and feed us some actual food. Oh, here comes Mom, the one who's raising us. Let's get rid of this bum in the back. Mommy, mommy, mommy. And I have to admit my defeat. I just have to admit my defeat. I'm like, okay, I didn't do a great job. What do you want? You're still alive. You almost got kidnapped. I'm pretty sure I pulled most of your hair out. You didn't get food, but you know what? You're alive. Oh, you're alive. That's better than some people. That's better than Biscuit, the dog from the South Dakota

governor or whatever his name was. Cricket. Biscuit or Cricket. When that Uber pulled up, let me tell you, I didn't even care that my kids were running into the driveway. They're all like, ah, poor Astrid has just had a day in Miami and she's like, ah. And I don't care one bit. I was just as happy to see her.

I was like, God damn woman, you can never do this again. I know. And now she's planning a girl's trip and I'm like, the hell you will. The hell you will. You better get your parents down here. Because that's the only way that trip's happening. I'm telling you will. You better get your parents down here. Because that's the only way that trip's happening. I'm telling you what. Oh well.

It all's well that ends well. Astrid's back, back on the job and you have a whole new appreciation. I love her. I love her so much. It's for such good reason? She is the She is the engine in this proverbial vehicle. She makes it go and I don't I don't I pour gasoline Yeah, I pour gas in the tank by making some money. Well, not right now, but at some point I will At some point I'll get a real job and stop with all this bullshit

But you know what? I think we're too far in. Yeah. I don't know where we go from here. I really don't. We've painted ourselves into a corner. We totally have. It's either start another podcast or just be unemployed.

The only problem is this company would have to make money for us to collect unemployment. Can I file for unemployment on my own company? I don't know. Maybe I can. Let's figure it out. Oh my God. Big props to Astrid, to all the mothers and fathers and single parents out there. You know who you are.

This story has probably resonated with you to the bone. To the bone. I know it has. And those of you that don't have children, I'm sorry to bore you with my children's story, but I hope you got a laugh out of it anyway. Oh yeah, I can picture it. Oh my God. All right, listen, I know that it's little talked about, but it's a great app. I'd love you to go to the Odyssey app, A-U-D-A-C-Y.

There's a link in our show notes. Go to the Odyssey app, download that app and listen to us on the Odyssey app, A-U-D-A-C-Y. There's a link in our show notes. Go to the Odyssey app, download that app, and listen to us on the Odyssey app. It's our home, and we'd love it if you would listen to us through the Odyssey app, and they'd love it if you'd download the app, so there you go. Also, we want you to be a part of the show. 212-433-3TCB, that's 1-2-1-2-433-3TCB,

toll free from anywhere in the world. Text us or leave us a message. Tell us you wanna be on the show. Tell us why you wanna be on the show. to about the show, all the audio, all the video right there at one location. You can also get your free sticker by hitting the contact us button, add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and select episodes for right now on youtube.com slash the commercial break. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. Best to all those parents out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say and we must say, goodbye. When you're working out at Planet Fitness, it's a judgment free zone so you can really step up your workout.

That's why we've got treadmills and our team members are here to help so you can be carefree with the free weights. They're also balance balls, bikes, cables, kettlebells, and T-Rex equipment, but like, no pressure. Get started at Planet Fitness today for $1 down and then only $15 a month. Hurry, this great offer ends April 12th. $49 annual fee applies. See Home Club for details. ["The Thank you for watching!