The Commercial Break - The MRI Soundtrack

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

EP960: Bryan and Kris try to help his Starbuck's boyfriend through trying times in the open MRI!  TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. 5.30! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show. Chris and Joy Haudley. Best to you, Chris Hes. And best to you, Brian.

And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Yams out, hams out, cans out. There you go. Best of your yams. Best of my yams. Look at those. Freshly shaved and looking good. They are.

So smooth. Yeah, they are so smooth. But I need a tan. I feel like I need a tan. That's okay. You're tan. I know. I don't have time to worry about a tan right now.

I've got a lot of different things going on. Yes, you do. I'm losing pieces. I'm turning older. I'm officially old. All right, I'll give the goose because I don't think I've ever, I think we've ever set our age on the show. I'm turning 50 today. As you're listening to this show, I'm turning 50.

It's my birthday, September 2nd. No salutations, please. I never make a big deal about my birthday. The first couple weeks of September and the second couple weeks of October I like to celebrate. But besides that, I'd like to make a big stink over it. You don't. I really don't, actually. It drives me fucking crazy.

And who it really drives crazy is my wife. Well, yeah. Yeah, she hates me. She and I are both, I think, big birthday celebrators. Yes. Yes, she's a big birthday celebrator. And because her family made it a deal. They made it a thing.

Mine too. Yeah, and I'm glad you guys grew up like that, but I did not. I know. No shade of my parents, but shade on my parents. Shame on my parents. Really, shame. Shame! Five-thirty!

Shame on you. They just didn't make a big deal out of birthdays. It just wasn't a thing. Yeah, well, they must have grown up that way, too. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that my dad grew up in a pretty non-celebratory environment, that kind of Irish Catholic, fuck you. Why are we celebrating your birth? You're not the one who did anything. And that's a fair enough assessment of the situation.

I mean, think about it, a birthday celebration is, I get it. You know, another year round, and you did it. congratulations and time doesn't mean anything, but 50 feels fucking old, man. It really does. And I think I'm having a little bit of a hard time with this one. Had almost no problem with 40. Kind of twitched at 30. Kind of surprised I made it to 30, actually. You know, didn't really have a problem with 40, but I had just met Astrid. We had just gotten married. I think there's a lot of excitement that I managed to get a young wife. Yeah, you did. A young wife who actually loved me. And now I'm turning 50 and I'm like,

Like, this is probably the age where Astrid starts wondering, questioning her life choices. Because she realizes she's got to take care of an invalid, basically, as I go into my gallbladder surgery, the day after 50. It's fucked up. It really is. So, look at me. I'm just an old man tooling around. I'm out back by the pool, cleaning and throwing chemicals in there and bitching at the dog. On next door.

Complaining about my neighbors. Yeah, I'm on next door. complaining about riding around, honking at people. I'm not just like, I'm a miserable, I'm the guy I never wanted to be.

That's what I turned into at 50. I'm out there for days just staring at that pool. I really feel like an old man. Look, it's all relative because when you're from now, you're going to be like, oh, well, look.

Nine more years till 60. I'm doing okay. Yeah, exactly. I was talking to the anesthesiologist office yesterday. You know they've got to call you and prep you and do the whole thing. And sweetest lady, I think her name was Kim. Sweetest lady that was on the phone.

Oh, no, Michelle. Sweetest old late, and she goes, ah, I just turned 60 like three years ago. And I got three years ago. That's 63. So you're 63. That's how you're counting him now in decades? I like that. After 60, you just go in decades.

Yeah. Yeah, I like that too. I'm here for five decades. So I'm out back by the pool. I got the robot. I got the pool robot for my birthday. I did. Oh, man.

I am telling you what, dude. Are you in heaven? My life is changed. I don't even, I go, now I just stare out the window. Now I can just monitor it. Yes. Oversee it. Yes. I don't, I don't even do a thing. 24 hours a day. It's running back there. It just runs on its own. It charges itself. Sweet. It's awesome. And it sucks up all the shit. And I finally. And it's right at the end of the summer. Right. Exactly when I don't need it. Exactly when it's the most useless. Well, that's why they're on sale, too. Because they go, ah, you don't need it anymore. So here, have it. It's like the Halloween decorations on November 1st, right?

You just, you get a discount. So for months, I've been trying to figure out exactly what is fucking floating in this pool, little black dots everywhere. And the pool leaves and all this other stuff. And I imagine that it was all coming from that tree, that it was like insects falling from the tree, like little gnats or something falling from the tree. It drives me crazy. I don't want to swim in a pool with a bunch of gnats floating on top. And so I'd be out there with the skimmer every couple of hours skimming. And I finally figured out their little.

ants. They're black ants. I have a, I'm like the Switzerland. My pool is like the Switzerland of the ant universe. They're all going there to commit Harry Carey. I'll go in there to commit assisted life-ending suicide. That's where they go to die. That's where they go to die. I mean, how dumb do you have to be?

You're just going to go in it? You know many bees I have saved out in that pool? I save a bee. I save a motherfucking bumblebee because bumblebees, we need them. Yes, we do. Hornets, fuck you. Spiders, I don't care. Frogs, if I get to you in time, okay. Squirrels, mulls, I've pulled them all out of the pool. Some living, some dead, somewhat, some in some state of in between. But those ants, what the fuck are you doing? Why are you just walking into the pool? You don't know that, yeah, marching. Honestly, they must be marching by the hundreds, by the thousands. So I get the smart idea.

Let me spray some chemicals back there to stop the ants from going in the pool. I'll spray it in the like the stone around the cracks. Yeah. Well, wouldn't you know what that lick the problem in one day. And so now I don't need the robot anymore. I'm like, I don't need the robot anymore. But I like it. It's cool. I got one skim in the bottom and one skim in the top. They're just, they're talking to each other. It's amazing. Technology is amazing. I mean, I'm also very scared of it, but in some ways, we are, the George Jetson age is upon us. You know what I'm saying? Pretty soon. They got the first flying drone. I saw it. I have a picture of it. You did? I accidentally, a video of it.

I accidentally, with no intention whatsoever, scanning the Manhattan skyline out on the roof where I work, I just started working there. And I'm like, well, fuckety fuck, look how beautiful of a day this is. And look at all those helicopters, the Uber helicopters that are flying back and forth. I mean, there's just like, at any given time, there's three or four of them that are just flying in one direction or the other relatively low. And so off in the distance, I'm scanning the skyline, I'm doing the whole thing. and, you know, I scan this little weird-looking thing.

And I'm like, what is? That's like a really big drone or something. And then a day later, I'm reading in the paper that Uber or whoever has tested in conjunction with Uber or Google, whatever, has tested the first. Amazon, right? I thought, or no, Walmart? I can't remember this. No, no, no, no.

This is the human drone. This is a drone you get into. It's got no driver. This isn't like a delivery. It's not a delivery. It's a cab in the sky. And the FAA allowed its first flying test. not with a human in it, but its first flying test to see if it could get from one point to the other.

So it went from like one side of Manhattan to the other and then back. Yeah. Well, it didn't have anything in it. But wouldn't you know it? I caught a video of it. Yeah. Amazingly. And I was like, wow, that's pretty cool.

You'd be goddamned if you're ever going to catch me in there. There's an old saying about helicopter pilots. You know what it is? There are no such thing as old helicopter pilots because they either retired or started flying planes or the fucking dead. And I have heard that from helicopter pilots mouths, that they retired because all of Your friends started fucking kicking the bucket. Those things are dangerous, man. They really are.

I mean, you think about it. It's a worldly bird. You can't control those things. No one knows how. Bet going. We're doing better than anyone ever expected, ever. So I'm out there in the pool. I'm dittling around.

I got a belly ache. You know, I go meet my Starbucks boyfriend. I meet Lance this morning and Chipper. And we're complaining about our, I got this and I got that. Yeah. And I'm like, we're two guys. the coffee shop. You know.

Anytime a cute girl comes in, we sit up straight. Like two dipshits. And Lance is like, you know, he's got a shoulder thing. And I got a gallbladder thing. And his hip is hurting and my knees is all wackety. And he can't play golf. You know, he can't play golf and he's struggling with tennis and I can't run anymore. Everyone's just like too seriously.

two white men, old white men. We're like grumpy old men, just sitting there complaining at everybody. Meanwhile, the people at Starbucks are really starting to turn on us, I think. I think. No, they're not all so friendly anymore. No, not anymore. Well, first of all, the incomplete staff has changed four times because Lance and I have been going there for like a decade, right? And there are some people that are still there, but most people, it's a job for a minute, right?

It's a job for a year. It's a job for a couple of years. It's a job while you go to college or whatever. And, yeah, I think the current group represented is not as jazzed as the last group was that Lance and I sit at the end of the bar, bitching and complaining. They're like, can't they talk about something else? Yeah, Lance has been reprimanded because Chipper's in there. Like Chipper has to go to the bathroom and he bark, that's what he does. He doesn't like bark, bark, bark.

He's not like blue, like, he just gives one loud bark. He's a pit bull. So he's like, bark. Oh, right. Okay. Everybody jumps out of their seat, spills their coffee. happens every time. Everyone's like, you know, and this coffee goes everywhere.

And so he's been reprimanded. He's got a write-up. It's like someone, yeah, the manager came to him. Yeah, that's what he said. He's like, what am I? I'm a felon. I'm a fugitive at Starbucks. So it's just like, yeah, we're, we're at, 50's hard, man.

50 is hard. It's hard. It's a difficult one. But I have to say this. I never would have imagined 30 years ago that I would get to 50. So it's all about perspective. It is all about perspective. I never imagined myself an old man.

I always took the Billy Joel song and thought only the good die young. So clearly I've been doing something wrong. But do any of us in our teens and 20s ever imagined? Like ourselves as being old? No. You just, you know what's going to happen. But you're like, oh, that's so far away. Well, that's what I'm, that's what I told.

Like, there was a, who was I talking to? Someone in New York, 27 years old. And they were talking about my birthday and I said, 50. I mean, 50. Like, yeah, I just can't even envision double my life right now. And I said, that's the thing. You don't envision it. But it fucking happens.

And it comes up on you quick. And you just don't know. And I know that's like a cliche. It's an adage. It's something that you've been hearing old as time. But time moves quicker, the older you get. And it happens fucking quick. And there you are.

These moments pass by. Slow down. enjoy it, really enjoy it. And, you know, when we're all becoming cyborgs, like, integrated with AI and metal parts and stuff like that, we live to 300, which some people I know who work in that industry and that AI industry believe that is, they're optimistic about AI in this sense that AI will not hurt humanity. It will help us in ways we can't even envision. And one of those is there may be no more disease that's not like instantly curable. Like AI just licks it in a minute. They're like, oh, your cell's doing a T567.

Let's give you a shot of L522. Right. But then I go, yeah, but it took a long, in some ways it got here quick, but then in other ways it got here a long, I don't know if I want to do this again, like another 50. Give me like 85, a healthy 85, a healthy 85,

not a sick, you know, walking in circles, banging my head against the wall, 85. Five. Yeah, five-thirty. No, no, no. Five-thirty. Five-thirty. Tacos.

Tocos at five-thirty. Chicken pie or chicken and dumplings. No, it's Tuesday, Chrissy. Mac and cheese. Muffins and butter. Mac and cheese. Five-thirty. Five-thirty.

Yeah, but not that. kind of 85. No. Well, that was 45. That guy was like 45. I don't know what was his problem, but he was 45. He didn't seem to be, but I don't know, but he just seemed to be, have a weird expectation on his voice, if I'm just being honest. He otherwise seemed to pretty put together besides, you know, having a stack of like spam mailers from his mailbox that he was like reading as if it was the Iliad in the Odyssey. It was like so weird. It was so weird. But whatever. To each their own. You know, here, who am I to judge?

Look at me. I'm just, I'm doing a fucking podcast. No one listening. So I got to get this gallbladder removed. We're all getting older. It's just one of those things. And I do have a little bit of perspective that I can share with everybody. Do the drugs later in life, not earlier in life.

Because if you do it earlier in life, it kind of fries your brain a little bit. You know, you lose time. You lose precious time. Experiment, have fun. but try and stay out of like years-long addiction to, you know, hyper-intense narcotics. It just wastes time. That's all it does. It's hard to have a meaningful relationship. Here's another piece of advice. I'll give you Brian's piece. Here's my advice after five decades of living on this earth. Today we'll give you share some wisdom. And you feel free to jump in here, Chrissy. Okay.

If you have a raging addiction to say, just an example, not that I was like this, but let's just say that somebody that I know that was close to me inside of my body was like this, raging addiction to something like cocaine. And then you meet somebody who also has a raging addiction to cocaine and or alcohol, you're probably not supposed to get married. Just throwing that out there. So there's another piece of advice. Here's another piece of advice. stop at one child. Just stop. There's no reason.

Multiple aren't good. Yeah, I know only child syndrome and all that, but that's their problem to deal with, not yours. It's going to make life easy. Once they outnumber you, there's nothing left to say. You're fucked. Multiple kids are multiple people that take care of you, though. I didn't think about that.

Yeah. Okay, that's good. All right, that's a little ray of sunshine. A little ray of sunshine in that gray cloud. Yeah, when you're older. Here's another one. Have as much sex as possible. Safely.

Safely. With as few people as possible. Safely. You know what I'm saying? As few people as possible. Let me explain my premise behind that. I have some experience in life. I have all kind of experiences in life.

One might say I'm an enjinoe. I, a Renaissance man. One might say. One might say. I'm an engenue. A Renaissance man, if you will, in the bedroom and beyond, Chrissy. Yes. One might say that. One might say. I don't know who that one is, but one might say. There's a problem with that, though, as I turn, as I turn the corner. I can't remember half those people. I don't know. I don't know who they are. I don't remember them. Is that a problem? Well, it just doesn't lend any, it's not additive. Do you know what I'm saying? It could be that there could have been a major disruption in my life because of all that.

I could have had a kid. I could have had extra stuff that I just didn't need. Thank God I was relatively shooting blanks until I met Astrid. Or at least shooting in the wrong direction. And they all released. Yes. And rapid succession. In rapid succession.

All of a sudden my body said, hey, we figured this one out. You got to come inside them. Stop with the Irish Catholic bullshit. There was a period of my life, swear to God, swear to God, there was a period of my life. When I just started practicing tantra yoga and there was like this methodology to tantra where you hold in an orgasm for as long as you can multiple times to heighten and elicit the sensation of an orgasm for a man at least. That's the whole part of the premise anyway.

And that started becoming a real good excuse to just not orgasm at all. But I started realizing, and this is probably in my late 20s, I started realizing that what I was doing was I was actually just too afraid to orgasm because I didn't watch Shieldtray. So I was like, oh, okay, well, this works out handily for everybody, doesn't it? No one's getting satisfied. It's called tantric sex. You're really, really offensive to people, too. They're like, you didn't, you didn't, and I was like, no, no, no. I did multiple times.

It's called tantric sex. In my head. Or bad sex. So neither of us left satisfied just letting you know. It's all part of the tantric experience. Yes. Here's advice to the boys and to the girls. Find out where the clitoris is early and often.

Don't be that guy. Don't be that guy. You got to know. And I don't know, I don't know how and I don't why, probably because of tantric yoga in some sense, I decided that was an important mission to be on, and I figured it out. Now, that goes counterintuitive with having as much sex with as few people as possible, but I'm pretty sure you can find a clitoris on one woman, just like you can find it on 12 women, just throwing that out there.

Words to live by. Words to live by. Here's another piece of advice. Don't be so angry when you're driving around. Don't be in a rush. Don't be in a rush, because there's guys like me that are sitting out. in front of their lawn, diddling around, who want to point at you and cuss you while you're driving down the street.

Like old men. And we're right, by the way. And we're right. Yeah, like a couple guys in the neighborhood next door. And listen, I know they're young, but they, you know, Rha-h-h-ha-ha. Well, I don't like all of that with the whole motor stuff. Why do you have?

I don't know. Like, what's the purpose, really. Here's what I imagine. You're like flexing a muscle? Yeah. Yeah, the tiny little ping-pang in their peony-pani. Here's what I imagine those guys with no mufflers on their cars or their motorcycles. This here's what I imagine they hear in their head when they're making all that racket.

Look how cool. Exactly. Oh, his dick is huge. He found the clitoris at age seven. Here's what we all think. What a fucking asshole with a small dick. Yes. Because no one fucking cares.

about your muffler or your noise. Honestly, it's the stupidest shit. It honestly, don't waste your life thinking, don't waste your life trying to find the loudest car or motorcycle. That's another piece of advice from Brian. Look at all these, look at how much you've learned today. Nuggets of wisdom. Nuggets of wisdom.

It's flowing out of you. Yes. Here's another one. Get your pool robot at the beginning of the summer, not the end of the summer. Here's a third one. When you have goldbladder problems, a Big Mac is not going to solve the issue.

No. Okay? Here's, I don't know, I've got so many more. When you're supposed to wear glasses, wear glasses. Don't like me, you know, tape up. Remember for years I had glasses that were like taped? Yes, I do. But not with like clear tape. Not like so you couldn't see it. Like the big painters tape. You know what I'm saying? Well, it wasn't that bad. Nah, it was pretty bad. I remember they were like just falling to the side. And when I'd go to meetings, I couldn't wear them. So I'd just be like, splinting.

I remember I was at a meeting one time at the dildo company and the girl across where we saw some of our friends on a porn video. That's the craziest shit. I swear to God. I was like kicking rap under the table. I'm like, that's, he's like, oh, yeah, they did that for a while. It's like, oh, they did? He's like, yeah.

To be clear, they weren't in porn movies. They were in on the boxes of many different sex stories. They were like the models. They were the models. Yeah. that looks so much like him. He goes, yeah, yeah, they did that for a lot. That's them. Yeah, that's the kind of places I roll with.

That's the kind of people I roll with. So listen, guys, you know, I'm not saying it's all doom and gloom. I'm just saying most of it is doom and gloom, okay? It just feels like that too. It just feels like, you do you, but, you know, take my advice. I'm here to tell you. I've lived a wonderful life, had a lot of experience, I've been in a lot of trouble, gotten myself into a couple pickles. I've wiggled my way out of them. You know, you'll figure it out.

Learn to use your mouth and your brain together as one organ. And guys don't always think with your dick because it's not all that important. Okay, it's important. All right. I get it. All right. It's important. But it's not that important. Yeah, it's that important. It's just not the most important. Yes, it's the most important. Don't worry about it. You'll figure it out. Just don't be an asshole along the way. That's the other thing. No, that's true. That's just a good, you know, in life example. I was telling my kid this the other day, you will always get more flies with honey. No one has ever been harmed by you being nice. No one, ever. And it doesn't matter how fucking cranky someone else is,

how much of a dick they really are. The truth is, you be nice, and I promise you, things will go a lot smoother, no matter what the situation. Just be nice. Just be nice. I have stopped bullets by being nice. Brian calls it the,

or Astrid calls it the Brian look. I've looked at bullets and they've turned around the other direction. That's how that works. Okay, let's take a break. And when we get back, I want to talk about my good Starbucks boyfriend, Lance. Oh, good.

Who also has to have a procedure tomorrow and we're all praying for him. I want to get, like, let's do some extra prayers. Let's give some good vibes. It's really serious. Oh, God. Yeah. He's having an open MRI.

And so it's very, it's very. What's an open MRI? I mean, I know what an MRI is. It's just, instead of being in the tunnel, it's an open MRI, but he still has to have his wife's there and hold his hand. So thoughts and prayers, Lance, thoughts and prayers. Anyway, when we get back, I want to give, I want Lance to hear this episode, and I want to give him a little guidance through what I'm sure is going to be a very traumatizing day for him as he goes to the open MRI. God. He can't eat it.

the open MRI. I mean, I get, we'll talk about it more. Let's take a break and, you know, we'll be back in all that, jazz. Hey, it's Rachel, your new voice of God here on TCB. And just like you, I'm wondering just how much longer this podcast can continue. Let's all rejoice that another episode has made it to your ears, and I'll rejoice that my check is in the mail. Speak in a mail, get your free TCB sticker in the mail by going to TCB Podcast.com and visiting the contact us page. You can also find the entire commercial break library. Audio and video, just in case you want to look at Chrissy, at TCB Podcast.

Want your voice to be on an episode of the show? Leave us a message at 212-4333-3-TCB. That's 212433-3822. Tell us how much you love us, and we'll be sure to let the world know on a future episode. Or you can make fun of us. That'd be fine, too. We might not air that, but maybe. Oh, and if you're shy, that's okay.

Just send a text. We'll respond. Now I'm going to go check the mailbox for payment while you check out our sponsors. And then we'll return to this episode of the commercial break. I walked in the door to grab a latte. I paid $10 hurt Erie and a grand day. But then I saw him and his big dog. I felt my knees weak.

Here came the brain fall. And though I'm not gay, you make me feel that way. I hope it never ends. my new Starbucks boyfriend All my toes curl All the feels come My world of gold You are my shining sun

We love to talk sports And swim in pools You like the patio I like the bar stools And we spill tea And we crochet The other tables Might think we're gay

I don't really care I hope it never ends You're my best Starbucks boyfriend And though we're still straight You make me feel a certain way I hope it never ends My new Starbucks boyfriend And though I'm not gay

You make me feel that way I hope it never ends My new Starbucks boyfriend Bainer dink Not gay You make me feed up and never it. My Starbucks boyfriend. My new Starbucks boyfriend.

Wow, that's a great song. You said you woke up the other day singing that song. I do sometimes, too, walk through the house and I'm like, though I'm not gay. My wife's like, what? What do you say? Yeah, I woke up singing it the other day. Yeah, those are the kind of catch he diddies Brian likes to create using his AI magic machine. All right, so Lance has got a little shoulder problem.

He's been noticing that he's got some issues when he's playing tennis. And it predates a different kind of injury he had where I guess one of his muscles tore. And the doctor at the time said, I wouldn't do surgery on this, right? But then it left like a little scar, like not a scar, but like an indentation because the muscle didn't heal correctly. Is it like the rotator cuff? No, it's like right under. It's like one of your, what do you call those chest muscle? Pectoral muscles.

One of the peck muscles tore, ripped, and then it left a little indentation. But then now he's got an additional problem on top. So it's been bothering him since the day that I met him. I mean, the guy's been, like, sometimes he goes to give you a high five, and he's like, ah, five-thirty. And I'm like, hey, dude, you know, go get that checked out. And so, you know, I feel like sometimes I'm, like, we're each other's wives a little bit, encouraging to each other to go to the doctor when clearly there's no other option.

And so he went, he made an appointment, he's got to get an MRI. So he starts telling me, dude, I'm really scared of MRIs. Like, I don't like it. I don't like to be in that tube. A lot of people don't. I get it. I do. I get it.

I understand that when you're in the tube, and they're like, Okay, Mr. Green? Yeah. Okay, just sit still for six, seven hours. Right. Ignore the incredibly loud banging noise, six inches from your face. Okay, thank you.

How's the temperature in there? It's fine, but it's a little loud. Okay. Don't you get music? Yeah, can you pipe in some music? Sure, what do you want? We have Eagles, all Eagles, nothing but Eagles, or the best of Jefferson Starship.

Which one? Uh, I guess Eagles, all Eagles? Oh, sorry, that stations are broken. We've got the best of Jefferson Starship. Sure. I guess Jefferson Starship would be okay. It's not my favorite thing, but, you know, what are you going to do? It'll do.

What are you going to do? Jefferson Starship. You know, listen, Jefferson Starship, it could be worse, I suppose, right? Yeah. Of all the things. There you go, Mr. Green. That's the Jefferson Starship. Don't move.

Is this Jefferson's Starship? Ah! That thing's like right by your face. Is it Starship or is it just Starship? Yeah, I don't think this is Jefferson's Starship. This is just Starship. Sorry, the Jefferson doesn't work. We just got Starship.

All right, I guess that works. And then sometimes you hear him talking in the background. They're like, oh, look at his penis on the MRI. It's tiny. Let us see you're crazy. This is from some movie. Please stop this. It's one of the greatest scenes ever.

It's the Kristen Whig. No, it's Kristen Whig and what's the guy's name? John Hammond. The guy was in Barry. Oh, oh, oh, oh. You know, the other guy, the guy who did. Yes. Fuck, the guy from S&L.

You know. They're in that movie and their brother and sister and their talk and they're singing to each other. It's a fucking fantastic scene. And it made me have a whole new appreciation for this song right here. Yes. Okay. So you go into these things and I get it. I understand.

It's like it's not the most pleasant thing in the world. I do understand. But for me, it's not like the world's biggest deal. I just close my eyes. That's what I do. I close my eyes and I don't think about the clear oval, tiny little oval. that I'm in with the incredibly loud noise and praying that no one in the room

has left anything metal. Have you seen those videos? No. Oh, I don't even know that I want to describe this. The MRI, the magnetic resonating imaging, those are $5 million magnets and they turn them on and they get super hot and they create an

incredible amount of magnetism. And that's why you cannot wear anything metal in those machines. You can't have anything metal in the room, not loose objects. There are videos out there, and I don't know that you want to see them, Google at your own risk. There are videos out there of incidents that have happened where metal has been left in the room or on a patient, and it doesn't end well for the patient. It gets sucked into the machine at incredible speeds. It's a magnet of epic proportions. And then what

happens? It blows up. People die. Oh, God. That's what happens. One guy left a chain on his neck or something, and it like, whirp, it took his head off or something. And another, there was a very famous incident where someone left a metal cart in there, like a medical cart. And they didn't recognize it. And there was a lady in there who was trying to help the patient,

a nurse, like they was trying to help the patient calm down or get adjusted or whatever. And the machine turned on and the cart just sucked up against her. And it takes like an immense amount of time to zip. those things down. They're running like 24 hours a day. The magnetic is there 24 hours a day because it takes so long for them to get zipped up.

They use like an immense amount of energy. Read about MRIs. They're quite amazing machines, actually. Anyway, let's look at that. I'm sure this is all making Lance feel better now. Lance, I hope you're listening to them. I hope Lance has some Xana. Yeah.

Honestly, that's what he should do. Just tell the guy to tell your doctor to give you some XAN. Oh, they do? Oh, shit. I want an MRI. Well, I'm about to take, I'm about to ride the last. lightning there on the gold bladder thing. So, you know, ride the lightning.

I'm about to ride the lightning. That's the good stuff. General anesthesia is the good stuff. That's where you take a sleep and you don't remember a fucking thing. I mean, you hope you don't remember a fucking thing. So doodle doodle dobble, but, you know, but the answer's nervous. And he goes, so I got the open MRI. And the open MRI is basically just one band. Instead of having the whole big machine that you stick yourself into, it's open. It's just like a donut. And you just go in and your heads, your head's not sitting in some weird contraption. That seems better. Yes, but not every place has them and they're

a little bit more expensive and I don't know. You guys get to go through some insurance drama. Lance, I think can afford it. So I don't think he's worried about it. But he's got to have his wife come and hold his hand. And I was like, well, you know, that's kind of embarrassing. It's kind of embarrassing to have your mommy come with you. But I get it. I understand. You know, there are things that I'm scared, do of going to surgery. And even though Astrid won't be there, got my little brother Patrick, he's going to hold my hand. Oh, good.

So I feel good about that. But I thought, you know, let's, since Lance gets to put headphones in, or he has like those headphones and then he gets to choose it, I said, why don't you ask him to play an episode of the commercial break? The latest episode of the commercial break, right? And that way, Chrissy and I can talk you through it a little bit. What do you think? Yeah, let's do it.

Okay, let's do it. Hold on. Lance, everything's going to be just fine. Oh, Lance, you're going to be just fine. I'm almost positive that no one has left anything metal. Inside of the room. Get into your chakra. Did you leave your watch in the locker,

or is it going to fly through your nasal cavity and in the back of your brain, killing you instantly? It's not. It's not. It's not. This is a great place. Safe space. Safe space.

These people are professionals. Judy, the nurse, she started yesterday. She's been working as a tech at a vet office, and now she's here doing your MRI. She knows all about magnetic resonating imagery. She pushed a metal card in there, Lance. It's going to be fine. That metal card, it's no match for you.

No, there's nothing. Everything is going to go just fine. Yes, everything's fine. Look at the magnet collapsing in on you. Oops, sorry. You're dead now. No, you're not. Just think of Chipper, your dog.

I'll take care of him. Ruff. Ruff. Ruff. Oops. Take off that collar before you come in. Do you have any dental work? Mm.

Metal dental buildings just fly right out of your mouth. Killing anybody within feet. But don't worry about it. This is the best MRI place available. It's in a shopping mall. You can get a massage after. That's right. Happy massage.

As a matter of fact, this is a two-for-one MRI place. During your massage, you can have a happy ending. And an MRI. And an MRI. Two-for-one. Insurance covers all of it. Are you feeling better, Lance? Just imagine how great your shoulder's going to feel.

Once they actually figure out what's wrong after 10 years of doing a backhand with a sore shoulder, you're going to feel great. Very few accidents happen in these machines. Almost never does anyone get stuck in them. Almost. Yeah. Every 30% of people walk away just fine. I like those odds for you. Those are polymarket odds, Lance.

After this, you can go have a drink with your wife, the two of you, relaxed and settled. The MRI. Pieces of the MRI machines just stuck inside your skull. Everything's going to be fine. You're okay. It's not like one of those enclosed MRIs. It's basically a coffin. They could bury you in the MRI machine, and you wouldn't know.

Zip. Yeah. Zoop. Did you know in certain situations, the open MRIs become closed MRIs, but that's not here. Not this one. They couldn't afford that half of the MRI. So I don't want you to worry about anything. Did you pay the bill?

Do you ever wonder if the people who are running the MRI machine just leave for a while? They don't come back. They're just as bored as you are. Don't worry about it. Everything's going to be fine, my friend. We'll be having coffee tomorrow morning in heaven. Together. Me with my empty, me with my gold bladder in my hand and you with pieces of the MRI machine in your shoulder.

Everything's going to be fine. Cheers. Cheers. Just two old white men sitting in the coffee shop of God. Pissing and moaning about everyone. Like us here either. Yes, that's right. Even the baristas in heaven thinks we're assholes.

Right. Oh, there's a chipper. Now in his new home with your wife, she drives your Ferrari around. Beem. Mim. This is fun. Almost over. Only another three hours to go, Lance.

Yeah, you can do it. You can do it. Just think about that happy ending massage. It's right next door. And that drink. If you can still walk after you get in with your MRI. Chrissy says they can give you Xanax for this. Should have thought about that earlier.

It would have made things go a lot smoother. But now you get a mediocre episode of the commercial break. Everything's turning up roses for you, Lance. Hey, while I'm at it, can I have your house if you die in the open MRI? It's a really nice house. Got a nice pool. Yeah. Just enough room for the kids and I.

I'm sure you wouldn't mind. Who else is going to use it? Chipper, by himself? I'll take care of Chipper. Don't you worry. Blue and him will get along. He's fine. Blue and Chipper,

Blue's going to eat Chipper, but it'll be fine. We'll figure it out. Dogs don't need all four legs, do they? No. Blue's just hanging on the chipper's back leg. Blue's riding chipper. Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I think Blue needs an MRI after you're done. I'm going to put her in the closed MRI. As I said, Lance, I don't want you to worry about it. Everything's going to be fine. We'll be having coffee tomorrow. Well, no, we won't. I'll be in surgery. But we'll all be at some point we'll be having coffee.

At some point, we'll be having coffee. By the way, I made a reservation for Lance and I and his family to have dinner in New York. Oh, nice. But I'll be having surgery that morning. And Lance goes, do you think you mind if I take a reservation? Can you call him and change it? No, not at all. Sure, Lance, no problem.

I'll be splayed open on surgery table at the hospital. Don't worry about me. Enjoy pastis for dinner. That's a good place. Oh, yeah, it is. Well, here in Atlanta? No. Oh, New York?

Yeah. Have you been? No. It's really good. Yeah, it's really good. It takes a lot of, took me a lot to get that reservation. I had to Google it twice. Click the button.

That's right. Click the button. you have any buttons I pressed, Lance? Four. Four clicks. That's how long it took. We'll be back. And maybe you won't. Bye, Lance. Well, do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us. 212-333-3-Tcb. That's 212-4333822. Visit our website, TCB Podcast.com for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. And finally, share the show.

It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian? That really wasn't that difficult. Now, was it? You're welcome. I was coming up short on those lyrics, so I just decided to have it repeat. Brian got it wrong 12 times.

When will it ever end? It won't. It literally just keep on going on forever. Tupac Shakur's murder has been solved, according at least to the prosecutors in Las Vegas. They believe that Mr. Somebody or other. on behalf of the Crips, all right, on behalf of the Crips, was given instructions to kill Tupac to find him

and retribution for a argument and a fight that happened at the Mike Tyson Prize fight in Las Vegas months earlier. So here's the deal. Tupac and Biggie friends, East Coast, West Coast, friends for a long time. And then something soured. There's this, like, beef that started. And a lot of people believe that this beef was manufactured.

to sell albums. But Tupac was becoming quite an institution, quite an icon, quite a poet. And people were really starting to take notice of Tupac at the time. I mean, he's very famous at the time. But they were starting to take notice. Biggie was also getting very famous.

Sean Diddy Combs, Shug Knight, Snoop Dog, Dr. Dre. They were all kind of like egging on this East Coast, West Coast, Bloods versus Crips, gang rivalry that was going on. They all espoused the lifestyle. They all sang about it. It was part of who they were. It was part of the way that they grew up, the neighborhoods that they were living in. And they really played it up. And they hammed it up. And the more famous they got, the more money they got, the bigger the targets got on their backs. And in the 90s, it was kind of crazy. Like, there was a lot of like shooting and fighting. And, you know, this was real. Rap was real. The game was real. People were really getting hurt. People were, lives were, getting threatened. And as a fan of both Tupac, Biggie, Dr. Dr. All of it. As a white kid who was buying the albums, and that is part of the reason why, you know, all of these people became so famous. Like, I think even Tupac said it. When my audience started turning white, I knew I had made

it, right? Like when more white kids were showing up than black kids, I knew that I had made it. Not because, you know, white kids hold some key to anything, but it's just like I had crossed over. This was bigger than me now. This was bigger than just one, you know, style of music. Our style of music, again, has now broken through. It happened a million times with jazz and blues and rock and roll and all this other stuff. And now rap. And the 90s were really the pinnacle, the zenith of that turn in that atmosphere.

And I bought every one of it from Beastie Boys to Run DMC, Sugar Hill gang, you know, third base. I mean, I just was into all of it. I was wearing the Africa Bumbada around like a fucking moron at school until one of my friends said, you look like an idiot. I can't believe the Catholic school teachers didn't stop me at some point, but, you know, whatever. Okay. But I didn't know. I was appropriating and I didn't know.

I just thought I was trying to be supportive and it was a misguided attempt at best. Here I am at like Spencer's gifts. in the mall, buying African Bumbadas, necklaces, because, you know, I think I'm cool. Public Enemy, all of it. I mean, it was just all, like, I.T., NWA, two live crew. It was just, there was just an explosion of this music that was so energetic and different. And it talked about a different world. And a lot of people that I knew kind of became thug-it, you know, like, like, want to be thuggish.

You would call them a wigger, excuse me, for lack of a better term. I didn't go that far. I did wear an African babata, but I got stopped quickly. But I didn't go that far. But this was just like these people were becoming music icons, and they were just as much a part of the 90s scene as Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder and Allison Chains, and Lane Staley and all that stuff. But there was this rivalry that was brewing, manufactured or not,

it was getting real and it was getting heated. And there were a lot of people in the game and outside the game, and law enforcement officials who were saying that what you're singing about is becoming real on the streets and is getting really fucking dangerous and someone's going to get hurt and someone did. Two people actually. Yeah. You know, Biggie and Tupac murdered within months of each other. Devastating to the world, to the community, to the musical community at large.

Yeah, that was such a big deal. Wow. So these two become disenfranchised with each other, Biggie and Tupac. Though some people say there was like back channels that they were trying to make. amends. They were going to have some big symposium bringing everybody together, which happened after Biggie's murder. And I think that was Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre and, you know, some other people who kind of got involved in that. There was a Mike Tyson fight in Las Vegas. I forget the month, but it was like 1996, which I think was the year that Tupac was murdered, if I'm not mistaken.

But it was early 1996. And there was a Mike Tyson fight, a pay-per-view. Mike Tyson's fights were always very big deals. And a bunch of things. of bloods and a bunch of crips showed up and there was a fight after the fight and that fight included Shug Knight and Tupac on security cameras being involved in beating down a guy who ended up in critical intensive care for weeks if not months. The kid was beaten badly. I mean, he was beaten badly and there was no fight. It was just a beat. That's what it was. So there was a hit, a revenge hit, put out on Biggie and Shug. And this guy who was just convicted, let me give you the actual name.

I just read this story this morning. Tupac. Yeah, and was he like already in jail? So I'll tell you the story. I'll give you the story here because it's pretty long and it's pretty twisted. But I think it's very interesting. Tupac News What is going on here?

Tupac. Oh, I'm spelling Tupac wrong. Dwayne Davis. Dwayne Davis is in a car in Las Vegas and they see Biggie, they see Shug Knight and they see Tupac driving down the street.

And they swing a bang a Ui and some people say it was the passenger with Dway. but that there was at least two people in the car. A lot of people claimed there was four people in the car. The only eyewitness to this that came forward was Tupac, Shug Knight, Dwayne, Dwayne Davis, and a lady who happened to be like driving down the street or something. And she said there were multiple people in the car.

She thought four, right? She thought four, but at least three. So Dwayne Davis, apparently, pulls the trigger, shoots, Shug Knight is hit, Tupac is hit, but worse. Shug Knight goes to the hospital. Tupac is in the back of an ambulance. He's still live. The paramedic says, who did this to you?

Like, you know, you're in bad shape. You need to tell me who did this to you. And Tupac responds, don't you worry about it. We'll take care of it. That's his dying words. Don't worry about it. We'll take care of it. So even in his, even in his like clearly bad shape, he did not want to snitch.

That was like a big no-no back then. Still is today, but it's like a big no-no back then, right? He didn't want to make it worse. I think he knew that this was going to be a big deal. Shug Knight never spoken about it either, but Shug Knight claims he didn't know who did it, right? He had no idea who the people were in the other car. He probably does. But Shug Knight also is in jail because he's not so great human being either.

Dwayne Davis then goes back to California and for years nothing has heard of it, right? There is no concrete evidence. They cannot put two and two together. No gun is ever retrieved. No actual conspiracy theories abound. Abound. There was all kinds of documentaries and things. Tupac's alive.

And, you know, he couldn't take the heed. He was getting too famous. He knew he changed his name to McAvelli. He changed his name to McAvelli months before he died. McAvelli was a guy who came back from death to avenge his own death, right? So a lot of people for a long time believe that Tupac was in fact alive. He was coming back. That's why he changed his name.

to McAvel. He was all staged. It was all set up. It was all part of a promotion for a record. He was going to drop sometime. Or he just needed to get the heat was too hot. He needed to get out. He'll be back. And I mean, like real crazy shit. But the mind of pour is a vacuum. And when there's no evidence, just like, you know, JFK assassination or whatever, the Charlie Kirk murder, everybody just want, they take off and they run with their own strings. But Dwayne Davis, like 15, 20 years ago, Dwayne Davis is caught with an immense amount of narcotics. He's like in the middle of some huge narcotic ring that has connections to some people say the U.S. government, like all kind of crazy shit. And in order to get himself out of a jam, he starts talking to L.A. detectives about Tupac's murder.

And he says, if you give me a freebie, I'll tell you who did it. and he claims that he was in the car, but the guy next to him shot. And he didn't know anything about it, and he was just a part of it. But he starts testifying against the guy who is dead. He's been dead. He had been shot also years earlier. So Dwayne Davis is essentially pinning the murder on someone else, but the cops give him like what they call king for a day, right?

If he tells everything he's ever done wrong, including the Tupac murder, where he was, how he did it, he doesn't lie, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. in Dwayne Davis's mind, this gives him ultimate immunity from prosecution ever, but that's not how it works. Because even though he had a signed piece of paper, he was not supposed to go around talking about it. And when he started talking about it, he pointed to himself as the shooter, including in a book that he wrote. So he's a real fucking dipshit, right? He just starts blabbing his mouth on multiple, podcasts in the book. He claims he's in the car. He did the shooting. He pulled the trigger. He's the trigger man. All this other crazy stuff. And the cops go, that's not what you told us. You lied to

us. So now the immunity deal is off the table. And we're going to prosecute you. And he was found guilty. That's how it goes. So, wow. Now is he was, he claims, I was just talking trash. I was just trying to sell books, right? It's a convenient and it's an easy excuse. but it's also a believable one because this guy's a real fucking dumb dumb. So yeah, I mean, look, OJ went and confessed all the murders too on television shows and books that he wrote

and all this other stuff. Oh, sorry about that. So is it possible that he actually committed these murders and they got the right guy? I think so. I think he was at least in the car. Sounds plausible.

I've read some of the information. read a number of articles on this. Sounds like the prosecutors got him licked, at least being in the car, right? And I don't think the guy's hands were clean. I just don't. He also claims that there was a million-dollar bounty

on Tupac's head, and that million-dollar bounty came straight out of the mouth of Sean Puff-Ditty, P-Ditty, P-P-Combs. Mr. fucking baby oil himself, P-Diddy, Slicky Dick Cones.

Mr. Johnson and Johnson's baby oil himself. It's big oil. It's a big baby oil conspiracy. I told you it all goes back to big baby oil. So what really happened? I don't think we're any closer to figuring out exactly what happened for sure. I think what we got is somebody who was very close to the scene who was probably involved, probably culpable.

Guy's probably going to spend the rest of his life in jail probably would have on all those drug charges anyway. Like the guy is clearly not like the most upstanding citizen in the United States. entire world. He made a dumb, dumb choice opening his mouth. He would have gotten away with this. If he just shut his fucking mouth and lived his life. Yeah, well, I mean, he has. What's 30 years? 30 years. 1996 to 26, carry the one, minus seven plus three at the zero. 362 days and one year later, he is, he was free and all he had to do is just keep his mouth shut. But dumb, dumb, dumbs do as dumb dumbs do. And now he's going to jail for the rest of his life. I still suspect there's more to this story than we'll ever hear.

I do suspect that Pee, Sli Diddy, Slick Diddy Combs was involved. Because it just seems like the kind of asshole that he is. And he's already been, you know, people have already said that he has put hits out on people. Didn't he blow up a car one time or something? Like the Molotov Cocktail. Yeah, he's, I mean, like, Sean Diddy is like the worst of the worst as far as I'm concerned. And he just never changed. He was always a part of that scene.

He was as hard as any of them. He tried to rehab his image. And at the end of the day, you know, you can take the dog out of the fight. You can't take the fight out of the dog. That's just it. And I think that P. Diddy is the worst of the worst. And now, two of the greatest artists that ever lived, Tupac and Biggie are dead because of dumb shit. Just dumb shit.

Now, I don't think it's cool that Tupac was beaten on some kid either. Like, that obviously was not cool over some beef, like gang turf beef. It's just not cool. But, you know, I feel bad for Tupac's family. I feel bad for all the things that could have been. What would Tupac be doing now? Would he be a more, would he be a more, like, broadly famous figure like P. Diddy was? Would he have, like, rehabbed his image and become, you know, a gentleman and a scholar?

Like, you know, I don't know. I don't know. Who knows what would have happened? But I like to think sometimes about what would have happened to Kurt Cobain. What would have happened to Lane Staley? What would have been to Jerry Garcia? What would all, you know, Tupac, Jimmy Hendricks, Janice Joplin, all these people. Like, where would they be now?

Peewey Herman. That's one I think about a lot. Peeway. What would have happened to Peeway? Don't know. Don't know. Don't know. Cory Hame.

Would Corey Hame and Corey Feldman gone on to make more beautiful music together? I don't know. They might have. I can't tell you, kids. I just can't. Richard Simmons. would he still be sweating to the oldies? I don't know. Who am I?

Well, no, he stopped. Oh, he did? Yeah. Oh. Well, this is a damn shame because I really wanted to buy yet another mail order VHS cassette of sweating to be. Yeah, he stopped. Yes. Well, you know.

Where would they be down? Exactly. Let's hope that Lance and I survive our collective procedures tomorrow. So we don't have to do the what ifs. No. About Brian. What thousandth episode would TCB be boring people to sleep on now? One can only wonder.

One can only hope and wonder. Well, it's been an interesting episode of the commercial break. We talked to Lance. We touched on a lot. We touched on many things. Yes. Or so she says. We touched on many things.

We bounced around the room, all the good gravy. I told you about my pool. I gave you some life advice. We talked Lance through an open emmer. Yes, we did. And we solved a murder. Right here at TCB. All of it.

You know, one stop shop. One stop shop for all of your detective needs here at the commercial book. I told you we should be a true crime podcast. We really should. Yeah. We might need to go in that direction. Yeah. We might need to do something different.

I've been reading about like all the drama at the call. her daddy and then, you know, Crime Town or whatever that other podcast is, that girl does. What's that famous crime podcast? That girl does? Crime Town. Is it? I don't know. She's got like a billion dollars to. All these content creators that become these huge, you know, media companies are kind of collapsing under their own weight. And, and, oh, geez, I'm sorry about that. I connect my phone so I can place that. No, go away. Yes. You've been accepted. alone. Ah!

Yes. You two can have a million dollars by the end of the day. Just call us up and let us know. All right. Cool. How much do I have to pay back? $6 million. God, those calls, they won't stop.

They don't stop. No. If you own a business, ever owned a business, part of a business. I talked to a lot of podcasters. And all of them get the same phone calls. God, it's ridiculous. They're like predatory for the podcasters, really. I think it's what's going on.

And if you were listening yesterday, then you heard that I ran the Moynihan report here on the commercial break. Moynihan is a guy that I work with in New York. He's a very famous reporter, political journalist, opinion guy. He's been on Bill Maher. Go take a listen to that. It's Tuesday's episode. I think you like it. It's called a feed drop, and we did it because we like them.

All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast and streaming. audience. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say, and we must say goodbye.