The Commercial Break - Two Wettings & A Funeral

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

From The Cheetah to the grave, chaos abounds! The Cheetah Bryan’s British Fluffer Where else can brothers touch brothers? Irving’s chaotic funeral  A funeral planned by his first of three wives I cannot in good conscience give a rundown of this funeral…you just have to listen I will say it involves a runaway golf cart, emails read aloud, and a bad casket lowerer Burn Bryan to a crisp and snort him at the party Write us a eulogy for Bryan! LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us or leaving a voicemail at: 1.855.TCB.8383 Speak to TCB LIVE by calling 775.TCB.LIVE (1.775.822.5483) Tuesday-Thursday 12pm-5pm EST Watch TCB on YouTube Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Written By: Bryan Green Exec Producers: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Content Production & Research: Tina Khano YouTube Producer & Editor: Morgan Please Producer & Audio Editor: Christina A. Executive Director: Astrid B. Associate Producer: Gustavo Episodic Contribution: Marianne, Diane, Natalie, Will The Champ, Will D** Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We didn't pop our pussy today, but maybe, just maybe, we'll pop our pussy tomorrow. 11 kisses. On this episode of the commercial break, they are literally shimmying and shaking this casket trying to get these straps out of the way. To the point where one of the guys had to go into the way. To the point where one of the guys had to go into the grave! Oh no! He was leaning! One guy was holding his feet!

And he was down in the grave! Hanging by his feet! And the guy was trying to get the strap! It was awful! Awful! This is not even moving! And you could hear the cancer going, oh dear God! The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now!

Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break on Brian Green! This is the director of the Airview Academy and Services, Christen Joy, Holy Besty, you, Chris A. Besty, Brian! And Besty, you out there in the podcast universe, wherever you may be listening, maybe you're in the Hamptons, or Palm Beach, or Palm Beach, or the Hamptons.

I hope you are. Kristen, I can only think of two luxurious places in the world. Palm Beach and the Hamptons! Maybe you're at a party right now in the Hamptons chilling out with your ketamine bombs. Yeah. I saw that I was telling this story and I just had to pop on aero to share this story. I got... I've shared this story on the commercial break and I'm not...

You can go back and try and find this episode. But Chrissy and I one time attended a birthday party. Where the birthday... The husband of the birthday girl got a limousine. Like, but you know, one of those big buses that's a limousine that's got the disco ball in it. You know, everyone packed in that party bus. Everyone met at a restaurant,

and then a party bus came and picked us up, and took us to the most, the fanciest strip club in all of the land, called the Cheetah here in Atlanta. It's expensive, they have a five-star restaurant, whatever that means, a five-star restaurant. A limousine. Yeah, a Luv restaurant. Olivia. Yeah, Olivia. Volvia.

I'm sorry, I just don't eat a strip cups. It's just a general rule that I have. I don't care how many stars you have. But it's a lovely, it's a- Our old co-cohearts from the station used to eat there. Oh yeah, the IT guy used to go there every afternoon for lunch. He'd always invite, I told that story story so he's always invited yes, but so we go there and there's one gentleman That we had never met in our entire life bunch of people we didn't meet but do we didn't know but one gentleman

He had a British accent and he was friends of a friend and he came and he's the most lovely human being But the longer the night went on the more twisted got, because there was lots in our colleagues running around. Mostly Columbia marching powder, but I think there was some ecstasy involved too. I didn't take it, but I think he did. Yeah, I think he did for sure. And by the end of the night, he was following me around like a pubby dog,

saying things like, You have amazing the way you walk through room. Women wanna be with you, men wanna be you. It's amazing, Brian. You don't realize the power you have. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I got power because I got a bunch of $1 bills in my pocket, because I don't think to do it with me.

I also happen to have the bag of cocaine that everyone's following me around with. So they literally took the doors off the bathroom stalls at the Cheetah because Brian was in there. Oh, Brian's here. Shh, got Brian Green walk through the door. Take the doors off the stalls. So this guy was walking around the whole night like a puppy dog telling me how wonderful I was. He was like a fluffer.

He was just running around fluffing the up the attack. But he was so nice. The guy was lovely. We, we, everyone fell in love with him because he was so nice. And it was genuine. He was just way fucked up Really funny the next day when we were thinking about it. Oh my god, we're cracking up It's like a beam of light comes from the sky and follows you around literally the universe is your spotlight Brian the universe

You have the power of a star right in your penis This light coming from your penis Women could see it the men want to be it. I don't know. It's amazing Anytime someone's that nice in a British accent you can't help but be full of love. Yeah, you got to love them too So follow up on this guy So I kind of keep up with them on Facebook, but, but I don't really know the guy all that well. Actually, one night with him. One night with him.

And everybody became Facebook friends because Facebook was a thing back then, 12 years ago, whatever. And I just noticed, maybe a month or two or three ago, I noticed he started pictures of his started popping up. You know, the algorithm all of a sudden decided to tell me how miserable my life was and how wonderful his life was. Well, that's the point of social media. So he's got a new girlfriend. And I don't know what they're doing. They're in the Hamptons at some party, like connecting with their ancestors.

To the Academy. Yeah, through woodwork and ketamine. I don't know. There's muds, clay sculpting I mean, I'm picturing drum circles underneath this moon. Oh yeah, yeah, it mohawks with feathers, you know. Mohawks with feathers, shirts off, kilt's everywhere. Most of the people are just naked. It's a whole scene going on there. And I just am like, oh wow, that's not, that looks amazing amazing But he is with the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your entire life I mean this goes right out of a magazine And she's young too and he's young also, but she's young and I'm like wow a maize balls

Like apparently I he took a page out of my book that's right He had like coming from his penis and he attracted this star of a human being into his life And I thought good for him like wow what a you know He was kind of this like puppy dog like character that ran around just fluffing everybody up And now he's his own man and he's doing his own thing He's got a beautiful what I think is girlfriend because they're in multiple pictures and you know in various states of PDA Yeah, and Undresses for sure.

But then a couple of days afterwards, I noticed that he's also got pictures of him making out with guys on his Facebook. So I'm like, oh, well, that explains a lot. Everything's fluid. Everything's fluid. And that's awesome. I think it's lovely.

Yes. I just am happy that the guy is happy. And he seems to be like a little bit of a power player in this little group he's got going on. You know, they're all hanging out as a hamptons. A power player in this party in the Woods group. Yes. But they're unlike the party in the woods

that's on somebody's old car lot here in Atlanta that turned into a demonstration. The dumb, the dumb, the dumb, the dump, the dump, dump, dump. They're actually in the Hampton. A multi-million dollar piece of property where their doctors are showing up and just feeding them narcotics and IVing them every morning to get them rehydrated. You know what I'm saying? All right, so and I thought to myself, wow, good, good for them. But then in a flashback conversation I was just having,

I realized I kind of put two and two together about something. The friend that we got connected through originally, us in this guy, this British Fluffer dude, we'll call him the British Fluffer. Us in this British Fluffer, my good friend that we got connected to, about a year into the pandemic, he calls me up and he's like, this is awful man,

I know, it's terrible. We have to get together the brother energy. And anytime he says that, I always get a little nervous, but I'm like, oh, okay, the brother energy. We got a howl at the moon, we got to grab our groins, we got to touch our loins, we got to connect with cocks, you know, cocks with cocks, we got to be brothers, we got to be men, we got to be fathers, we got to be responsible for those around us, blahcks with cocks. We gotta be brothers, we gotta be men, we gotta be fathers, we gotta be responsible

for those around us, blah, blah, blah. In the most non-showvinistic kind of way, the most loving kind of way he's saying this in these men retreats that he would put together, were awesome and wonderful and all this, but he starts convincing me that I'm gonna go to this, but the answer to his pregnant at the time, and I'm kind of on the fence about it,

and then I finally decide, okay, I'm gonna do this. It's two days, we'll test, you know, it's middle of the pandemic, I'm like, we'll test and we'll figure it out, it'll be fine. Yeah. But as further information comes out of this gathering, what I realize is that he starts talking about, my friend sex to me, and he's like,

don't worry man, this is gonna be awesome. You know, where else can you, can brothers touch brothers? With, without fear of repercussion. I'm like, I don't know. Soho, Midtown Atlanta, I think there's lots of places where brothers can touch brothers without fear of repercussion. 2020-23 dude.

But you know, I just want to give an hug like a good bear hug to my brothers without a shirt. And I'm like, well, well, well, well, well, me too. But you're saying it kind of creepy, dude. You got to back off that a little bit. You're trying to convince me to come or not come. I'm not sure. And then he says our British fluffer friend is going to be there. And I was like, oh, okay, I can't make it. I'll tie it up. Is this girlfriend gonna be there? No? Okay.

They didn't end up having the retreat in the way in which they intended. It was just a couple guys that got together and went down to Panama City for the weekend. Pretty sure it was just a lot of booze and cocaine. But actually, I went to Panama City for the weekend. Pretty sure it was just a lot of booze and cocaine. But actually I went to that so I know it was just a lot of booze actually a lot of children and booze. But it ended up being a much smaller event than he had planned. But it was it looked lovely. I mean all those things. But I just can't stop thinking about

this guy running around behind me in the cheetah, talking about how girls want to be with you, men want to be you, it's amazing, you're amazing. You're incredible Brian Green. Brian Green. Even your name is Stoic and majestic. It's like you're a cock rising from the lines. I wish him nothing but love. I think he's awesome. Yeah, he made an impression on us for sure. You know, nothing I get in getting together with a little gathering to celebrate life and positivity.

I agree with it. I'm down with it, 100%. You know, we make fun of that spiritual bullshit here on the commercial break. Well, I think it's easy. It's an easy target. Any other reason? That's also true. We love it. That's right. The only reason I can make fun of it is because

I understand it. I've been there. And I'm able to cut the shaft from the way because I've been there. I know when someone's singing me a fucking song and dance and I know when someone's trying to actually genuinely connect with themselves or with others around them and it just seems like YouTube is not the place where you go to do that. Just share it. I don't know, but I just I sense that that's not the place to go to do that. Just share it, I don't know, but I just, I sense that that's not the place to go to do that. But then there's the other kind of gathering where you go to celebrate life

and it's not because of all the wonderful reasons you thought it's because someone passed away. Oh no. And unfortunately, our good dear friend, my mom's longtime boyfriend Irving passed away. Oh, no, what did you do? Yeah, he did, last week. Irving. Was it Irving or Irving? It's Irving, but. Oh, no, what did he do? Yeah, he did. Irving.

Was it Irving? Or Irving? It's Irving. Okay. But no one says the G, so it's Irving. Irving. It's Irving. It's the...he's not a basketball player.

He's not Irving Johnson. He's Irving Johnson. Irving. But Irving was a wonderful old man. He was just a father. I never met him. He was generous to a fall. He gave me the fencer thing, didn't he?

He did. He gave me the, yeah, the fencer. The piece of art. Is it called fencer? Yeah, fencer is the artist. Oh, yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, he was an artist. He loved artists.

He loved artists. He got a chance to listen to the commercial break one time, said he didn't understand it, but good for me. Not for everyone. And he really loved my mom and my mom really loved him. But when it came to his funeral, there was, it was a comedy of unfortunate errors. So let me share, because that's of course

what I think Irving would have wanted. Having not understood the commercial break one bit, and only listened to three minutes of one episode, I think he would have have wanted. Having not understood the commercial break one bit and only listened to three minutes of one episode, I think he would have wanted this. Yes. Yes. Hey, yeah, excuse me. I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.

I'm just kidding. It's me, Christina, producer for the commercial break. And I just wanted to interrupt for a quick sec to remind you that tcbpodcast.com is the place to go to find all of our audio and video. And of course, to remind you that tcbpodcast.com is the place to go to find all of our audio and video, and of course to beg you to go to Apple and leave us a positive review. Positive. And if you go to tcbpodcast.com, you can get a free 21-EPM sticker.

Just go to the website, click contact us, tell us you want to sticker and give us your physical address, and we're in business, baby. You can also text us at 855-TCB-8383. That's 855-TCB-8383. And give us your questions, comments, concerns, and content ideas, please. Add us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Brian's really trying to keep up with the youths, so give us a follow. You know you wanna?

If you're into videos, go to youtube.com slash the commercial break and see fully edited episodes the same day they air over here. As always, please support our sponsors by going to their websites and buying their products, and don't forget to use our specialized URLs, because that's how we keep things moving here at TCB. So let's listen to those sponsors and then we'll be back to this episode of the Commercial Break. This episode is sponsored in part by Nutruffle. We just did a Frankie B episode about hair loss and hair thinning and all the crazy things and drama he's going through, but hair thinning

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NutriFull.com spelled in U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code TCB. That's NutriFull.com promo code TCB. Address your thinning hair at the root calls, let NutriFull help you. NutriFull.com, using the promo code TCB, and thanks to NutriFull for being a sponsor of the commercial break. Happy to let you know that this episode is sponsored in part by Hairies. Esther and I had an opportunity to shoot off for a couple of days and relax without the children, and in an effort to reduce our irritation level, we decided to only use carry on bags. When we got to the hotel, I noticed that my 5 o'clock shadow was a 9 o'clock shadow,

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slash TCB. That's harries.com slash TCB for a starter set. Do yourself a favor, get a good clean shave with a great razor from harries.com slash TCB. That's harries.com slash TCB. And thanks to Harry's for being a sponsor of the commercial break erving uh... passed away on Tuesday and by the way he had been sick for a long

time so this was coming this was uh... you know this is one of those cases where you say well thank god he's not suffering anymore yes uh... and he was an older gentleman. He was 90. So he wasn't a spring chicken. It wasn't unexpected. But it was sad nonetheless. Mm-hmm.

So, you know, my mom calls me on Tuesday, I think it is. Hi, Brian. Hi, mom. You remember Irving? No, mom, I don't know Irving. Of course, I know Irving. He's from New York. Okay, mom, I get where he's from. He course I know Irving. He's from New York. Okay, mom, I get where he's from.

Hey, she goes, that's the tell me where she's from. And so I go, I knew what the call was about. The second she called and told asked, you know, if I remember Irving, remember Irving, it's all we've been talking about for three years. So I say, yeah, mom,

well, he died last night in his sleep. Oh, mom, I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? Yeah, I am. I'm just here watching some QVC. Oh my God. Okay. It's nothing like healing your wounds with QVC.

Listen, can you come to the funeral? I guess, you know, I don't know if I'm like fit in the funeral category. I might fit in the send a text message to family members and let them know that I'm sorry for their loss. But I don't know that I'm like funeral material, right? And what I mean by that is, when I have a funeral, when I'm dead, when I'm long and gone, don't have a funeral, just have a big fucking party.

Cream ate me out of a party. Throw my ashes in, you know, chop up my ashes and snort them. And a party fuss. And a party fuss on the way to the cheetah. That's right. I don't want any sadness. Don't get all gloom and doom. It happens to everybody.

But Irving is Jewish and their don't cremation is not a thing. So he's going to be buried in this very large cemetery here in Atlanta. Very famous, very large cemetery here in Atlanta. But I don't know that I'm qualified as the circle of people who you would show up to funeral. When I have a funeral, please don't let it be like my last bachelor party. We're literally strangers got invited because they needed to fill seats at the table. That's how boring I have become.

But I just didn't think that I needed to show up to the funeral. But after some prodding and my twin brother, Kevin, we decided, okay, let's go to the funeral. It's the least we could do for my mom. For your mom, yes. We knew Irving, we didn't know him that well because we only spent a little bit of time with him. So Friday afternoon, Friday morning, I get up. By the way, it's a hundred and...

This is your thing, this is your thing, Friday. I got it. It's 112 degrees outside here in Atlanta. Like it is everywhere else. The world is literally boiling, and Atlanta was always boiling in the first place. Now it's just extra boiling. But 112 degrees by 10 am,

and I decide I'm going to wear a short sleeve shirt and a pair of slacks with casual dress shoes, right? Because it's just too hot to wear a suit. And, you know, as much as I love the fact that Irving loved my mom, I don't know that wearing a black suit to this particular funeral is the thing that I need to do.

I'm showing up. So let me wear something or I'm at least not going to be dying of a heat stroke in the middle of this winter. Right. So we get to the cemetery. There is absolutely no one standing anywhere to tell us where to go. And the cemetery is like three and a half miles deep. Yeah. So Kevin finds this space. He drops a pin. I say, okay, but I'm going to be there in like

15 minutes. My mom tells us to be there at 11 a.m. or 10 30 a.m. A 10 a.m. for a 10 30 service. Well, I know what that means is that my mom wants me to talk to all of the friends that she's got there. Right. They keep them company for the 30 minutes while before the service starts. I'm not playing that game. Home it doesn't play that game. I'll be there at 10 15. So I show up at 10 15. I follow the pin to where Kevin is and it is a scene right out of a movie. There is a large green tent sitting over some chairs, 12 chairs. And Kevin, it's 1015. The service starts at 1030.

Kevin is the only person that is sitting there besides the canter, the Jewish canter, and two of the guys that I can only assume had dug the hole where Irving was going to be buried. Irving is sitting over the hole with the machine that the two straps that lower you down into the ground, right the lower, or whatever you call it. He's sitting there in like a pine wood box. The lower, the lower, or what is that thing? I don't know.

I don't know. A grave elevator. A casket escalator. A casket escalator. Yeah. So the casket escalator is sitting there and and it's a little bit in front of the green tent. I've been to the funeral before like that. When you put a dark green tent under the sun,

when it's 112 degrees, do you know what you're really doing? You're attracting more fucking heat is what you're really doing. So now the green tent, underneath the green tent, is an absolute sauna at 10, 15 in the morning. Kevin is wearing a full three-piece suit, and he is chivalent.

I mean, he's just like the water's pouring out of his forehead. And I'm like, so I parked the car, I walk up. It's like, let's call it maybe 50 feet, 30 to 50 feet, this gravesite is 30 to 50 feet off the road. So I park on the road, I walk the 30 to 50 feet under the tent, I'm like, hey bud, what's going on? Kevin's got flowers in his hand, right? And he's like, I don't know, I'm just waiting here.

The counter comes up and says, oh, you must be Vicki's son. And I'm like, well, now, if the counter who's about to hold this service already knows by name, the people who are going to attend, I don't think it's going to be a well-attended event. Chrissy, I shit you not. Irving, Irving's son, my mom, Kevin. That's it. Wow.

It is literally three of us that are not related to Irving that are there. The cant, so, okay, it's not 1015 now it's 1030 Right and I'm certain no one's gonna show up now. Look at Kevin. I'm like dude Are we gonna be the only ones here? And he's like I don't know bro. I guess so yeah So the canter can over here. It is your mom come with The son with the son, but I'll get to that in a sec. Okay, okay, so The sun. With the sun.

But I'll get to that in a second. Okay. So the cantor's standing there, she's also melting in all various forms and fashion. Her makeup is a little running off of her face. And she can overhear us talking about whether or not she's going to come. She goes, oh, well, I just think there's going to be a few of us here. And don't worry, this won't take long. 10 or 15 minutes.

We're going to say a couple of Hebrew prayers. I'm going to sing a Hebrew song. and then we'll be done, right? It won't take long. They have two speakers and a microphone set up. Two speakers and a microphone. Who the fuck are we talking to? I can hear you just fine. There's only two of us here.

She's right there in front of us, but there is a microphone and two speakers. No fans, but speakers. So maybe I could replace the speakers with fans. That would be great. So now I'm sweating. So now everybody's sweating. I got butt sweat, I got ball sweat, I got arm sweat,

I got everywhere. It's ever, I'm wearing gray slacks. They are now dark gray slacks because they are wet everywhere except for my knees. Right? I mean, literally looks like I pissed myself. And I'm like, holy fuck, 10.30, 10.40, 10.45. I'm like, jeez, where is mom and Irving's son?

So the cancered steps in, she goes, hey, listen, I heard from them a little while ago, they're just running a little bit late. The limousine that picked her up, picked them up, is running late. And I'm like, the limousine. My mom can't walk without a walker. How did she get into a limousine? But I'm thinking, oh, when she the limousine. My mom can't walk without a walker. How did she get into a limousine?

But I'm thinking, oh, when she says limousine, she must mean like an uber black, right? Something my mom could step up into or, or, you know, sit down in or whatever. No. Chrissy, 1050, 1055, 11, 1105 roll around. Now we have been there for an hour. And I am not kidding you.

They had covers on the seats. The covers are now sound like wet towels when you sit down. They have little things of Kleenex that they put on the seats. And I've gone through two of them, two of these things, these bags of Kleenex already, just wiping my forehead.

Why? So the cantor then says, oh, the phone rings, cantor picks it up. And then then says, oh, the phone rings, cantor picks it up, and then she says, oh, they're here, they'll be here, they're running in the front, they're coming in the front door right now. And I'm thinking to myself, thank God, let's get this fucking thing over with.

I mean, God bless, or Irving, you know, he must be hot, even Irving's feeling me. That he was. Poor Irving, I thought to myself, poor Irving. He's in that box, he's just dying, but he was. Poor Irving. Lots of myself for Irving. He's in that box. Just dying, but he was already dead. Yeah. So out of nowhere, you could see rolling down the hill, weaving his way through this thing,

is a stretched limo, a Lincoln stretched limo from 1992, with the V-shaped antenna on the back of it. And the TV. Yes, the TV. Yes. Remember we were just talking about this on the show. My mom and this and Irvingson literally got picked up in a stretch limousine. So the stretch of a package. That's what they said.

They said that Irving's first wife had planned the funeral and this was according to her wishes. Apparently, she ordered the limousine when they were married in 1990 and that's exactly what fixed it up. The 1990 limousine. I'm not even kidding. Oh my God. She's already like prepaid for it or?

I don't know. I thought to myself, what is first flight? He's had three. His first wife planned his funeral. She hated him. He hated him. So I'm like, poor Irving, he's been tortured by the this woman for his entire life. So limo.

She's like, this is your role. So limo shows up. We're all like what? Limbo pulls up. Limbo pulls up. Limbo drives her gets out. Little old lady. Little old lady. I mean, the lady bought the limousine back in 1990 and she's still driving it to this day. And she was the chauffeur?

She was the chauffeur, she must have been 90 years old. I mean, she must have been. And she was the cutest old lady, but she like jumps out, she's like, so sorry, so sorry, we're late. And I'm like, oh no, no, it's okay. He's not going anywhere. He doesn't care, yeah.

Brian with the joke, so I'm doing an episode of the commercial break now. I've lost my ever loving mind. Opens the door and my mom is literally stuck in the back seat. Oh no. We can't get her out. Poor thing. My Papa Joe, he can't get in and out of nowhere.

He's with the knees and the knees. How did he crawl? Yeah, I was like, how did they, what did they literally just push her ass in there? Yeah, she'll go out of the floor. Just, I just heard this noise, like, they're just squeezing her in. So now there's, now you've got the two maintenance guys

who have just dug the hole for Irving, the canter, me and Kevin and the limo driver, all trying to yank my mom. Oh my God. The entire litazine is rocking back and forth. And we're like, OK, heave, ho, heave, ho. So we get my mom out. She's on her walker.

And she can't, she's still got another 50 feet to travel on a slope of grass downhill. So I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We saw this where this is going. Yeah, we don't need her rolling into the grave. Like, we don't need her falling and then just rolling into the grave. Let's think about this for a second. Can we get her a chair and an umbrella out here?

But there's a golf cart sitting there. There was a person from the cemetery is sitting in a golf cart. So I'm like, quick thinking, I'm like, should we just use the golf cart? Like, and mom, can you get on the golf cart? And then let's just pull the golf cart closer to the thing. Right. So that's what happens.

So then it's a whole nother feet of miracles to get my mom onto this golf cart. And the lady drives her ever so slow down toward this green tent. It's on a slope pointing toward Irving, right? From the limousine down toward Irving. Okay. So the ladies start striving the golf cart very slowly up over the curb.

You know, bump, bump, my mom almost falls out, of course. And then she's driving it slowly toward the green tent. The lady does not apply the brakes and the thing just rolls right into the tent and into the chairs. I'm not moving. The tent's moving with the golf cart. And I'm like, well, well, well, well, well, and the lady doesn't know she's not putting that foot on the break.

So the thing's just rolling down hill, taking the chairs with it. So finally, we're like, let's just move the chairs out of the way. Would you put the golf cart under the tent. I'm guessing. I'm guessing. So now you've got a tent with two loudspeakers, a canter that's standing in the sun. Me and Kevin move all the chairs out of the way,

except for three, for Irving's son, me and Kevin. And then Mom is sitting behind us in a golf cart under the tent. I got it. I got it. I got it. Crying, by the way. Oh, no. And then mom is sitting behind us in a golf cart under the tent Crying by the way My god, so I'm already like oh god, please let's go quickly for the sake of all involved. Let's just get this done with So I so Kevin and I are like okay. I think we should just get started. Cantor does the whole nine yards, right? But this not last 10 to 15 minutes,

this goes on for fuck's ever. I felt like that. We are four, no, it doesn't feel like it is true. We are 45 minutes in and she's like, ah ha, kde, ah ha, kwa, ah kwo, ah ha, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, kwa, and I'm like, ah, she's a lovely voice, by the way. And I do like those, for some reason, I do like those like when they sing in Hebrew, it something about that really, I don't know, it's interesting to me.

I do. It doesn't touch me necessarily, not in a funeral, but there's something there, right? So the canter is doing the whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then the canter goes, you know, unfortunately, not everybody could make it today, but we've had a few people email in. And I'm thinking to myself, is this really an episode of the commercial break? Now people are emailing in. And then she reads the email. She read the e-mail. She read the emails and then Irving's son gets up, poor guy.

It's obvious he had never been on a microphone before. Never. And he's only in front, he's just talking to Kevin. And I said, that's up. Poor guy. It's obvious he had never been on a microphone before. Never. And he's only in front, he's just talking to Kevin, and I, that's it. That's all he's talking to, Kevin and I. My mom and him came together, they know each other well, right?

And I know this guy, I've seen him a couple of times, we met, he's were friendly. I just hope that when I die, my kids have something additional to say. Because poor Irving Sun, this is what he said. When I die, my kids have something additional to say. Because poor, Irving Sun, this is what he said. Some people remember my father as a nice guy,

but he was a businessman and he was a really, really tough business guy. When I was young, he rented an additional apartment in our building for his art projects, and he would often spend nights there. I'm thinking of myself. My God. He's just telling us that I'm spending no time with him.

So, but then the third thing he says, which is so strange, he's like, a lot of people didn't know my father's artsy side. He one time took me to see a movie in the west, you know, west side village. He took us to see a movie about insects that got brains and ruled the world and killed all the humans. That ended up winning in Oscar. So there's that. All of us are like, wait hold on, that's the right one. All of us are like, yeah, I can imagine. So this kind of works his way through the little bit of eulogy. Then he also reads two emails. One of which is like two sentences long,

sorry I couldn't be there. Who are you telling? It's like deer Irving, sorry I couldn't be there. Deer Irving, deer Irving? Irving can't hear you. Was there like an automated response? Do you think? Yes.

Like an email that was there? Like an out of office, but out of universe? Sorry, I can't be there. Out of breath, instead of out of office but out of universe. I can't beat it. Out of breath. Instead of out of office, out of breath. Out of heartbeats. Won't be back for a while. So, okay, so we get done with that part,

and then the cantor says something that's just lovely. I just thought it was lovely what she said. She said, and now we do one last thing for a bench. We do one last favor for a bench that he can never repay. We help him with his transition to the next phase. From ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I now invite Irving's son to come put some dirt in the grave. Yes, I've seen what I've done. But before that, she gives us cue to the two people who are waiting to lower the two maintenance guys, say maintenance guys, facility guys,

that are waiting to lower Irving into the grave. From the escalator, the coffin escalator. The coffin escalator, the casket escalator. So now I want you to imagine you've never seen a coffin escalator, and I know you have, it's spending movies and stuff. The coffin is sitting over the open grave, there is a pile of dirt next to it on a piece of wood, and then there are straps underneath the casket.

You then press a button and those straps lower, supposedly evenly, down into the grave. Great. You already know what's coming. Supposedly, but that's how it worked out with Erwig. He presses the button, he goes over, one guy stands on one side, one guy stands on another. I don't see any motor attached to this thing, but I'm like, okay, I guess it just works like that. He presses a button and pulls a little lever and the thing starts slowly going down. But what's happening is that one side is moving a little quicker than he was. And even before he goes down

into the ground, the casket is turning over. And I'm like, oh no, no, I can't see this. I don't want to see this. Please don't let that happen Please don't let this happen. It's gonna be really funny No, no, no, no, it didn't but it was getting to the point where it was about to because it was almost it was sitting at like a 45 degree angle And finally the facility guy stopped it and he's trying to make it work I don't know how but they managed to get him down into the grave. But then they have to take the straps out and they can't get the straps out. So for 15 minutes, 15 minutes, they are literally shimmying and shaking this casket trying to get these straps out from under it to the point where one of the guys had to go into the Bro!

No way! He was leaning one guy was holding his feet and he was down in the grave hanging by his feet and the guy was trying to get the strap It was awful! Awful! This is not a movie And you could hear the cancer going oh dear god dear god

and my mom haha I was like you're kevin and I'm like what is going on haha it's like I don't know my whole hair is sweaty we're just dying yeah at this point I just gave up I don't even want to go into my own car.

I don't need air conditioning. I just need to get to a shower. So, eventually, they do manage to get the straps off. You know, the thing is, the facilities guys, this is probably not their first rodeo with something happening wrong. Right. So, they are very quiet and they're not talking to each other, sharing what's going on. They're just being quiet, you know?

You can hear them occasionally whisper to each other, like, you know, grab my legs, I'm going in. Ha, ha, ha. But they get the straps out, they pull these straps up. And then, so then the canter goes, okay, now I'd like to invite, you know, Irving Sud does. That was a dirt on the grave. Irving Sud goes over.

And he just, I think maybe it was one of the first times he'd used to shovel, right? But he, and you know, there's people like that. Like, I'm not exactly, you know, Tim the tool man, Taylor, either. So, so he goes and he starts, you know, digging some of this dry dirt and he finally get some and pours a scoop over.

And then he digs in again and he pours another scoop. On the third time, he pours another scoop. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, three is the charm, third time is the charm. He's just going to fill the grave up. But Chrissy keeps going. He keeps going. By the time he gets to like the 10th or 11th scoop, the canter walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder and she's like, that's good, that's good.

And he's like, okay, okay. And he walks over with the shovel and he hands it to Kevin and he's like, it's... I'm like, I'm not even supposed to be in the funeral! Now you want me to throw mud on his crass kid? No, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's your turn now. Oh! Ah! I don't want to do that. So he hands it to Kevin. Kevin looks at me and I'm like, oh, I guess. Kevin goes, now Kevin doesn't know how many scoops to throw because the Irving sun putting 30, how many are we supposed to do?

Does he expect us to fill it up together? Are we taking turns? So we throw a couple, Kevin throws three appropriately, three scoops in there. And I'm thinking to myself, three is the trick. That's the charm. One is kind of dismissive. You're like, ah, fuck you. Here's a, here's a scoop. Two is like a half-ass job. You're like, ah, you know, I guess I'll dump a little extra. It's like a it's like super size me. Okay, here's a little extra. But if you do three, you've paid attention to the chore. The task in hand has been completed appropriately. Right? So I go at three. But on the third one,

I get a rock on the shovel. but now I don't want to be full in with mud while I'm sweating dredged and sweat that's some poor guys funeral so I throw the third one on there and all you hear is and I'm like oh fuck he said the rock it went right through the casket. It did, but I'm just saying. It made the biggest. It did. Yeah, it was. Denting nothing.

This was like a plywood casket. I don't know. I mean, hey, listen, I agree. Why spend $50,000 on a fucking casket? Yeah, I mean, you're gonna get eaten by worms anyway. Just let it happen. The quicker the better as far as I'm concerned. Yeah.

So, okay. So I get done with my three, the lovely cantor wraps it up with another 15 minutes of singing in prayer. And then she goes, that concludes the official service. And I'm thinking, please don't let there be an unofficial part of the service. The after party. That concludes this part of the service.

Kevin goes to Irving Sun. Hey, I got these flowers you mind if I you mind if I put them in there with with your dad and he goes no He takes the flowers from Kevin and he puts it up against the grave He's like no and and then the canter's like if while he's putting while he's back over there around the graves I the canter goes well. Thank you everybody for coming and Irving's son start shoveling again. Oh No, he thought he was had to be the one to do. I don't know or maybe he's just like fuck you dad Like here's some more like I'm gonna put you in the gray. I don't know or maybe he just felt like I like he just wanted an extra moment with his dad Yeah, like you know these things are highly personal

and you never know. And I'm not saying Irving was a bad dad. I want, please don't misunderstand me. I'm telling a story for the commercial break. But, you know, it was lovely in its own very personal way. But it was funny as an outside or coming in to see this weird service that just happened. And then the poor son is just sitting there

filling his dad's graveside in I'm thinking of myself. You know there's two guys right here that are about to do that with a actual truck Like they're gonna do that for you. It's part of the price Far the baggage. I almost felt like saying do you want some help? I've been we get this to yeah, I've been we get this done quickly if we just do it together So did your mom ride back in the limo? My mom rode back in the limo and you, it's, Chrissy. Oh my God.

It's soon now we've been there for an hour and a half. We're supposed to have been there for 15. My mom even told me this. It's, you're only gonna be there for 15 minutes, honey, just come, stop by and say hello. Say hello to who? Who am I saying hello to? You?

I mean, I get it, but, you know, I've been there for an hour and a half. It's been long, way longer than anybody expected we were gonna be there, right? An hour and a half, actually, I think it was more closer to two hours, we were there for a long time. And then we have to get my mom back in, and I know for a fact this is gonna be another

half hour project, we gotta get my mom in. Well, you should have seen this limo driver. This limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back, and my mom is a small woman. Literally tried to get my mom in. Well, you should have seen this limo driver. This limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back and my mom is a small woman. Literally tried to shove my mom in by putting her on her back and throwing her in. Maybe you guys take her mom. We, well, she, here's a problem.

She can't get into our cars. Oh, she can't get in the car. No, she needs it. Like, there's only a couple of cars that she can get into because of her mobility issues, right? And so it was, but I didn't think the limo was any better. I would have rather her try and step up into my big truck than try and get down into the limo.

But at that point, the limo's paid for and Irving Sun wants to go hang out. The after party, I guess, I don't know. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah, but this is. you're a good son. I am a good son. And I'd like to make that known throughout the land,

throughout the podcast universe. I just have to let you know. Please either let my funeral be a complete party of epic proportions or let it be an absolute shit show like this. So at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show. Absolutely. And don't wait around for me.

Find somebody else to do the commercial break with. There's plenty of good suitors. Probably anybody would be better than me. But I have to tell you that I was so, just not only that I think it was funny, not only it was I dumbfounded by the whole thing, but then it was a little bit mortified at everything that just went down.

It was hard to process actually leaving. I've been to a lot of funerals, not a lot, but I've been to, you know, we've all been to funerals. You get to a certain age and that's all you start doing is going to funerals. There's no more weddings, it's all funerals now. But you go there and you expect there's just a certain expectation of like how it's all gonna go down. The part that I felt the most bad about was and I realized by the way Irving

was not is not native to Atlanta. He's buried here because his first wife is. She bought the package. Well, I noticed that he was being buried next to her. Wow. So they were in a dual gravesite together, right? And I just felt so awful for my mom. Also, the cantor, like, the only thing she talked about was the lovely relationship that him and his first wife had and my mom's in the back sitting there

and I'm like, hey, guys, come on. But I do have to tell you, like, just burn me to a crisp and then have a party. Literally drink my asses. That's what I want you to do. Because... Not want the same. Yeah, why are we going through all of this? And I understand it's like traditions and he was a little bit of an older gentleman.

And I do understand why a lot of people couldn't show because they're in New York or other places that he's lived. And it's not exactly. Dear Irving, sorry. Yeah, dear Irving, sorry I can't make it. They were literally RSVP into his funeral. But what was amazing to me about all of this is learning that his first wife, 28 years ago, planned this for him.

Yeah, that's odd. And it got executed to the T. Every wish and desire that she had got incorporated into this service, including almost tipping over the casket. I kid, I kid, of course. Yeah, she might have paid for that too. Hey, you never know. Yeah. She amended the package after they got divorced.

That's an extra $20. that's an extra $20. It's an extra $20 to have the casket escalator break while you're lowering your loved one down in there. Actually, you know what? That's how I wanna go. Burn me to a crisp and have me in a little, you know, what do you call this? Earn.

But what I would like is pretend as if I was actually put in a casket Have a crappy crickety old pot plywood box made and then someone pushed it over halfway through the service and Have like a doll of Frankie B roll out or a sex doll have a sex doll world This is how Brian would have wanted to be remembered like a sex doll God Brian This is how Brian would have wanted to be remembered. Yes. Like a sex doll. I will do it. Oh God. Brian. Who? Men want to be him.

Women want to be with him. He's amazing. And if you don't invite the British fluffer to my funeral, you fail. He is in New York. I want him to give the eulogy. Have him give the eulogy. All right, you want to write the eulogy. Have him give the eulogy. Alright, you want to write my eulogy?

tcbpodcast.com. I dare you. I invite it actually. I want you to go to tcbpodcast.com, all the audio, all the video, right there from one location, hit the contact us button, send us a message. Write me a eulogy. I actually, I'll read it on air.

I think that'd be funny. Also, if you'd like your, what would Frankie do? Sticker, those are our brand new stickers. Series three just came out. We haven't available now. Send us your physical address and every week or so we drop some in the mail. So if you want to be a part of that next round, send in your physical address. There's just often creation right now. Yes, they will. They're being created. They're often creation. I sent them off for creation. 855 Tcb 8383 that's 1 855 Tcb 8383 toll free anywhere in the world

Comments questions concerns content ideas. We never spam. We always respond Hit us up at 855 Tcb 8383 at the commercial break on Instagram tcb podcast on tiktok and youtube.com slash the commercial break do us a favor please go subscribe to the YouTube channel I'm trying to get to 5,000 before the end of the year, but I'm gonna need at least I'm gonna leave most of you to do it twice if we're gonna get to 5,000 All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today But I'll tell you that I love you. And I'll say best to you. Best to you.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, dearly departed that we meet. We always say we do say, and we must say. Good bye. I'm so dirty in the morning! The 30th of Monday!