The Commercial Break - Two Wettings and a Funeral (Again)

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

From The Cheetah to the grave, chaos abounds! The Cheetah Bryan’s British Fluffer Where else can brothers touch brothers? Irving’s chaotic funeral  A funeral planned by his first of three wives I cannot in good conscience give a rundown of this funeral…you just have to listen I will say it involves a runaway golf cart, emails read aloud, and a bad casket lowerer Burn Bryan to a crisp and snort him at the party Write us a eulogy for Bryan!  LINKS: Send us show ideas, comments, questions or concerns by texting us   212.433.3TCB text or leave us a voicemail Watch TCB on YouTube Instagram: @thecommercialbreak Creator: Bryan Green Co-Host: Bryan Green Co-Host: Krissy Hoadley Producer: Christina A.  Producer: Gustavo B.  Download & Listen on the Audacy app To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Am I six, five, four, three, two, one, switch. On this episode of The Commercial Break. Hello, Podcast Universe. It's me, beloved producer Christina. Unfortunately, Brian and his entire family are incapacitated with a virus, so I am bringing you one of my favorite episodes from last year. If you've heard it before, honestly, it is worth listening to again because it has had me absolutely rolling. And if you have never heard it, then you are in for a pretty little treat. So enjoy and send some healing vibes to the greenhouse. The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the director of Therapeutic Ketamine Services, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Kristin. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Wherever you may be listening, maybe you're in the Hamptons,

or Palm Beach, or Palm Beach, or the Hamptons. I hope you are. Kristin and I can only think of two luxurious places in the world, Palm Beach and the Hamptons. Maybe you're at a party right now in the Hamptons, chilling out with your ketamine bombs. Yeah. I saw that, I was telling this story and I just had to pop on air real quick to share this story. I've shared this story on the commercial break and you can go back and try

and find this episode, but Chrissy and I one time attended a birthday party where the husband of the birthday girl got a limousine, like, but you know, one of those big buses that's a limousine that's got the disco ball in it, you know, everyone packed in there, party bus. Everyone met at a restaurant and then the party bus came and picked us up and took us to the most, the fanciest strip club in all the land called the Cheetah here in Atlanta. It's expensive. they have a five-star restaurant, whatever that means, a five-star restaurant. Aluvia.

Yeah, Aluvia. Vol-vol-via. I'm sorry, I just don't eat it at strip clubs. It's just a general rule that I have. I don't care how many stars you have. But it's a lovely street. Our old cohorts from the station used to eat there. Oh yeah, the IT guy used to go there every afternoon for lunch. He'd always invite me, I told that story too, he'd always invite me. So we go there and there's one gentleman that we had never met in our entire life, a bunch of people we didn't meet, we didn't know, but one gentleman, he had a British accent, he was friends of a friend and he came and he's the most lovely human being.

But the longer the night went on, the more twisted everybody got because there was lots of narcotics running around. Mostly Colombian marching powder, but I think there was some ecstasy involved too. I didn't take it, but I think he did. Yeah, I think he did for sure. And by the end of the night, he was following me around like a puppy dog, saying things like, you're amazing. The way you walk through a room. Women want to be with you. Men want to be you. It's amazing, Brian. You don't realize the power you have. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I got power because I got a bunch of $1 bills

in my pocket. That has nothing to do with me. I also happen to have the bag of cocaine that everyone's following me around with. So they literally took the doors off the bathroom stalls at the Cheetah because Brian was in there. Oh, Brian's here. Got Brian Green walking through the door. Take the doors off the stalls. So this guy was walking around the whole night, like a puppy dog, telling me how wonderful I was. He was like a fluffer. He was just running around fluffing me up the entire time. But he was so nice. The guy was lovely. Everyone fell in love with him because he was so nice. And it was genuine. He was just way fucked up. Really funny. The next day when we were thinking about it. Oh my god, we were cracking up.

It's like a beam of light comes from the sky and follows you around. Literally, the universe is your spotlight, Brian. The universe. You have the power of a star right in your penis. It's all about the universe. There's a light coming from your penis. Women can see it, the men want to be it. I don't know. It's amazing. Anytime someone's that nice in a British accent, you can't help but be falling in love. No, yeah. You you gotta love them too.

So, follow up on this guy. So, I kind of keep up with him on Facebook, but, you know, I don't really know the guy all that well. We spent one night with him. One night with him. And everybody became Facebook friends because Facebook was a thing back then, 12 years ago or whatever. And I just noticed, maybe a month or two or three ago, I noticed he started, pictures of his started popping up. You know, the algorithm all of a sudden decided to tell me how miserable my life was

and how wonderful his life was. Yeah. Well, that's the point of social media. All right. So he's got a new girlfriend and I don't know what they're doing. They're in the Hamptons at some party, like connecting with their ancestors.

It's- Doing ketamine. Yeah, through woodwork and ketamine. I don't know, through smudged clay sculpting and ketamine. I'm picturing drum circles underneath this moon. Oh yeah, yeah, in Mohawks with feathers, you know that. Mohawks with feathers, shirts off, kilts everywhere. Most people are just naked.

It's a whole scene going on there. And I just am like, oh wow, that looks amazing. But he is with the most beautiful woman you have ever seen in your entire life. I mean, this goes right out of a magazine. And she's young too. And he's young also, but she's young. And I'm like, wow, amazeballs. Apparently I- He took a page out of your book. Paid right out of my book. That's right. He had light coming from his penis and he attracted this star of a human being into his life. And I thought, good for him.

Like, wow, what a, you know, he was kind of this like puppy dog like character that ran around just fluffing everybody up and now he's his own man and he's doing his own thing. He's got a beautiful, what I think is girlfriend, because they're in multiple pictures and, you know, in various states of PDA or whatever. Nicole Soule-Nichols-Nichols-Dickson Undress. Jared S Everything's fluid. Everything's fluid. And that's awesome. I think it's lovely. Yes. I just am happy that the guy is happy. And he seems to be like a little bit of a power player in this little group he's got

going on. You know, they're all hanging out at the Hamptons. A power player. A power player in this, you know, party in the woods group we got. But they're unlike the- They've elevated it. Yeah. Unlike the party in the woods that's, you know, on somebody's old car lot here in Atlanta

that turned it into a gas station. The dump, the dump, the dump, the dump, the dump, dump, dump. They're actually in the Hamptons at a multimillion dollar piece of property where their doctors are showing up and just feeding them narcotics and IVing them every morning to get them rehydrated. You know what I'm saying? All right. So, and I thought to myself, wow, good for them. But then in a flashback conversation I was just having, I realized, I kind of put two and two together about something. The friend that we got connected through originally, us and this guy, this British fluffer dude, we'll call him the British fluffer,

us and this British fluffer, the friend, my good friend that we got connected to, about a year into the pandemic, he calls me up and he's like, this is awful, man. I know, it's terrible. We have to get together the brother energy. And anytime he says that, I always get a little nervous, but I'm like, oh, okay, the brother energy. We got to howl at the moon, we got to grab our groins, we got to touch our loins, we got to connect with cocks, you know, cocks with cocks, we gotta be brothers, we gotta be men, we gotta be fathers, we gotta be responsible for those around us, blah, blah, blah. In the most non-chauvinistic kind of way, the most loving kind of way, he's saying this in these men retreats that he would put together, were awesome and wonderful and all this. But he starts convincing me that I'm gonna go to this. But Astrid is pregnant at the time,

and I'm kind of on the fence about it. And then I finally decide, okay, I'm going to do this. It's two days, we'll test, you know, it's middle of the pandemic. I'm like, we'll test and we'll figure it out. It'll be fine. But as further information comes out of this gathering, what I realize is that he starts talking about it, my friend's sex with me and he's like, don't worry, man, this is gonna be awesome. You know, where else can you, can brothers touch brothers without fear of repercussion? And I'm like, I don't know. Soho? Midtown Atlanta? I think there's lots of places where brothers can touch brothers without fear of repercussions. 2023, dude.

But, you know, he's like, I just want to give a hug, like a good bear hug to my brothers without a shirt. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Me too. But you're saying it kind of creepy, dude. You got to back off that a little bit. You trying to convince me to come or not come? I'm not sure.

And then he says, our British Fluffer friend is going to be there. And I was like, oh, okay. I can't make it. Is his girlfriend going to be there? No? Okay. They didn't end up having the retreat in the way in which they intended. It was just a couple guys that got together and went down to Panama City for the weekend. Pretty sure it was just a lot of booze and cocaine, but actually I went to that, so I know it was just a lot of booze, actually, a lot of children booze. But it ended up being a much smaller event than he had planned. But it looked lovely, I mean, all those things, but I just can't stop thinking about this guy running around behind me in the cheetah,

talking about how girls want to be with you, men want to be you. It's amazing. You're amazing. You're incredible, Brian Green. Brian Green. Even your name is stoic and majestic. It's like you're a cock rising from the loins. I wish him nothing but love. I think he's awesome. Yes, he made an impression on us for sure. You know, nothing like getting together with a little gathering to celebrate life and positivity. I agree with it.

I'm down with it, 100%. You know, we make fun of a lot of that spiritual bullshit here on the commercial break. Well, it's an easy target. It's an easy target. And the only reason- But it's also true, we love fun of a lot of that spiritual bullshit here on the on the commercial break. Well, it's a target It's an easy target and the only reason That's right. The only reason I can make fun of it is because I understand it I've been there and I'm able to cut the shaft from the way because I've been there I know when someone's singing me a fucking song and dance and I know when someone's trying to actually Genuinely connect with themselves or with others around them and it just seems like YouTube is not the place where you go to do that. Just share it. I don't know. But I just, I sense that that's not the place to go to do that. But then there's the other kind of gathering

where you go to celebrate life and it's not because of all the wonderful reasons you thought it's because someone passed away. Oh no. And unfortunately, our good dear friend, my mom's longtime boyfriend Irving passed away. Oh no, I didn't know this. Yeah, he did last week. Poor guy. Was it Irvin or Irving? It's Irving.

But no one says the G, so it's Irvin. Irvin. Swervin Irvin. Swervin Irvin. He's not a basketball player. He's not Irvin Johnson. He's Irving Johnson, Irving. But Irving was a wonderful old man.

He was. I never met him. He was generous to a fault. He gave me the Finster thing, didn't he? He did. He gave me the, yeah, the Finster. The piece of art. Is it called Finster?

Yeah, Finster is the artist. Oh, yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, he was an artist. He loved artists. He loved artistes. He got a chance to listen to the commercial break one time, said he didn't understand it, but good for me. It's not for everyone. And he really loved my mom and my mom really loved him. But when it came to his funeral,

it was a comedy of unfortunate errors. So let me share, because that's of course what I think Irving would have wanted. Having not understood the commercial break one bit and only listened to three minutes of one episode, I think he would have wanted this. Nicole Sussman Yes. Jared Sussman Hi. No, you're not dreaming. And yes, this is a new promo. See, I made you wait and now look how happy you are. I know, I know you're smiling. Anyway, since we're here, why don't you just hop on over to Instagram and give us a follow at the commercial break.

Seriously, please, it's getting hard for me to listen to Brian and Chrissy Begg. So just follow us on Instagram again, that's at the commercial break. You can also follow us on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, you know where to go for all things TCB. That is tcbpodB podcast.com baby. And of course, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. Yep, that phone number is no longer new, but it is still around. And that's a win. 212-433-3TCB. Love you. Bye.

Get your laugh on with me, Chris Jericho and the Talk is Jericho podcast. We've got Guns N' Roses Hall of Famer, Duff McKagan and his joke of the week every Friday, plus regular visits from the hilarious Brad Williams and special appearances by everyone from Gabrielle Fluffly-Aglaces, Mark Maron, Dennis Miller, Cheech Maron, Kevin Nealon.

If they're funny, they're on Talk is Jericho. So listen to and follow Talk is Jericho now on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Irving passed away on Tuesday. And by the way, he had been sick for a long time. So this was coming, this was, you know, this is one of those cases where you say, well, thank God he's not suffering anymore. Yes. And he was an older gentleman. He was 90. So, he wasn't a spring chicken. It wasn't unexpected, but it was sad nonetheless. So, you know, my mom calls me on Tuesday, I think it is. Hi, Brian. Hi, Brian.

Hi, mom. You remember Irving? No, mom, I don't know Irving. Of course I know Irving. He's from New York. Okay, mom, I get where he's from. She always has to tell me where someone's from. I know.

And so, I go, oh, I knew what the call was about the second she called and asked, you know, if I had remember Irving. Remember Irving, that's all we've been talking about for three years. So I say, yeah, mom. Well, he died last night in his sleep. Oh, mom, I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you okay? Yeah, I am. I'm just here watching some QVC. I'm like, okay, that's nothing like healing your wounds with QVC. Listen, honey, can you come to the funeral?

I guess, you know, I don't know if I'm like fit in the funeral category. I might fit in the send a text message to family members and let them know that I'm sorry for their loss. But I don't know that I'm like funeral material, right? And what I mean by that is when I have a funeral, when I'm dead, when I'm long and gone, don't have a funeral, just have a big fucking party, cremate me, have a party, throw my ashes in, you know, chop up my ashes and snort them. And a party bus. And a party bus on the way to the cheetah. That's right. I don't want any sadness. Don't get all

gloom and doom. It happens to everybody. But Irving is Jewish and cremation is not a thing, so he's going to be buried in this very large cemetery here in Atlanta, very famous very large cemetery here in Atlanta. But I don't know that I'm qualified as the circle of people who you would show up to a funeral. When I have a funeral, please don't let it be like my last bachelor party where literally strangers got invited because they needed to fill seats at the table. That's how boring I have become. But I just didn't think that I needed to show up to the funeral. But after some prodding and my twin brother, Kevin, we decided, okay, let's go to the funeral. It's the least we could do for my mom.

For your mom, yes. We knew Irving, we didn't know him that well because we only spent a little bit of time with him. So Friday afternoon, Friday morning, I get up, by the way, it's a hundred and… And this is your thing to do on Friday. This is my thing, yeah, on Friday. Got it. It's 112 degrees outside here in Atlanta.

It is, it is so hot. Like it is everywhere else. The world is literally boiling and Atlanta was always boiling in the first place. Now it's just extra boiling. But it's 112 degrees by 10 a.m. and I decide I'm going to wear a short sleeve shirt and a pair of slacks with casual dress shoes, right? Because it's just too hot to wear a suit and, you know, as much as I love the fact that Irving loved my mom, I don't know that wearing a black suit to this particular funeral is the thing that I need to do. I'm showing up, so let me wear something where I'm at least not going to be dying of a heat stroke in the middle of this cemetery.

Right. So, we get to the cemetery. There is absolutely no one standing anywhere to tell us where to go, and the cemetery is like three and a half miles deep. Huge, yeah. So, Kevin finds this space, he drops a pin. I say, okay, bud, I'm going to be there in like 15 minutes. My mom tells us to be there at 11 a.m., or 10 30 a.m., at 10 a.m. for a 10 30 service. Well, I know what that means is that my mom wants me to talk to all of the friends that she's got there and keep them company for the 30 minutes while before the service starts. I'm not playing

that game. Homie doesn't play that game. I'll be there at 10 15. So I show up at 10 15, I follow the pin to where Kevin is, and it is a scene right out of a movie. There is a large green tent sitting over some chairs, 12 chairs. And Kevin, it's 1015, the service starts at 1030. Kevin is the only person that is sitting there besides the cantor, the Jewish cantor, and two of the guys that I can only assume had dug the hole where Irving was going to be buried. Oh no. Irving is sitting over the hole with the machine that the two straps that lower you down into the ground, right? The lower-er, whatever you call it. He's sitting there in like a pine wood box.

The lower-er. Yeah, the lower-er. What is that thing? I don't know. I don't know, a grave elevator. A casket pulley? It's a, I don't know, a grave elevator. Casket. It's a casket escalator. Yeah.

So the casket escalator is sitting there and it's in a little bit in front of the green tents. I've been to the funeral before like that. When you put a dark green tent under the sun, when it's 112 degrees, do you know what you're really doing? You're attracting more fucking heat is what you're really doing. So now the, the green tent underneath the green tent is an absolute sauna at 10, 15 in the morning. Kevin is wearing a full three piece suit and he is drenched. I mean, he's just like the water's pouring out of his forehead. And he is drenched. I mean, he's just like, the water's pouring out of his forehead. Oh, God.

And I'm like, so I park the car, I walk up, it's like, let's call it maybe 50 feet, 30 to 50 feet, this gravesite is, 30 to 50 feet off the road. So, I park on the road, I walk the 30 to 50 feet under the tent, I'm like, hey, bud, what's going on? Kevin's got flowers in his hand, right? And he's like, ah, I don't know, I'm just waiting here. The canter comes up and says, oh, you must be Vicky's son. And I'm like, well, now, if the canter who's about to hold this service already knows by name the people who are going to attend, I don't think it's going to be a well attended event. Chrissy, I shit you not. Irving, Irving's son, my mom, Kevin. That's it. Beth Dombkowski Wow.

Jared Sussman It is literally three of us that are not related to Irving that are there. The cant, so, okay, it's not 1015, now it's 1030, right? And I'm certain no one's going to show up. Now, I look at Kevin, I'm like, dude, are we going to be the only ones here? And he's like, I don't know, bro, I guess so. Beth Dombkowski Yeah. Jared Sussman So, the cantor can overhear. Beth Dombkowski Who did your mom come with? The son.

Oh, with the son. But I'll get to that in a second. Okay. Okay. So, the cantor's standing there. She's also melting in various forms and fashion. Her makeup is literally running off of her face. And she can overhear us talking about whether or not she's going to come. She goes, oh, well, I just think there's going to be a few of us here. And don't worry, this won't take long, 10 or 15 minutes. We're gonna say a couple of Hebrew prayers, I'm gonna sing a Hebrew song,

and then we'll be done, right? It won't take long. They have two speakers and a microphone set up, two speakers and a microphone. Who the fuck are we talking to? I can hear you just fine. There's only two of us here. She's right there in front of us. But there is a microphone and two speakers. No fans, but speakers. Maybe I could replace the speakers with fans. That would be great. So now I'm sweating. So now everybody's sweating. I got butt sweat, I got ball sweat, I got arm sweat, I got everywhere. It's everywhere. I'm wearing gray slacks. They are now dark gray slacks because they are wet everywhere except for my knees, right? I mean, literally looks like I pissed myself.

And I'm like, holy fuck, 1030, 1040, 1045. I'm like, geez, where is mom and Irving's son? So the canter steps in and she goes, hey, listen, I heard from them a little while ago, they're just running a little bit late. The limousine that picked them up is running late. And I'm like, the limousine? My mom can't walk without a walker. How did she get into a limousine?

But I'm thinking, oh, when she says limousine, she must mean like an Uber black, right? Something my mom could step up into or sit down in or whatever. Chrissy, 1050, 1055.55, 11, 11.05, roll around. Now we have been there for an hour. And I am not kidding you, they had covers on the seats. The covers are now sound like wet towels when you sit down. Oh my God.

They have little things of Kleenex that they put on the seats. And I've gone through two of them, these bags of Kleenex already, just wiping my forehead. Jared Liesvold So, the canter then says, oh, the phone rings, canter picks it up, and then she says, oh, they're here, they'll be here, they're running in the front, they're coming in the front door right now. And I'm thinking to myself, thank God, let's get this fucking thing over with. I mean, God bless Irving, you know, he must be hot. Even Irving's feeling the heat.

I bet he was. Poor Irving. I thought to myself, poor Irving. He's in that box just dying, but he was already dead. So, out of nowhere, you could see rolling down the hill, weaving his way through this thing is a stretch limo, a Lincoln stretch limo from 1992 with the V shaped antenna on the back of it and everything. The TV? Yes! That was the TV antenna. Remember we were just talking about this on the show.

My mom and Irving's son literally got picked up in a stretch limousine. So the stretch- It was part of a package. That's what they said. Yes. I knew it. They said that Irving's first wife had planned the funeral and this was according to her wishes.

Apparently she ordered the limousine when they were married in 1990 and that's exactly what picked them up. The 1990 limousine. I'm not even kidding you. Oh my god, she'd already like prepaid for it or something? I don't know! I thought to myself, what? His first wife? He's had three! His first wife planned his funeral? She hated him. He hated him. So I'm like, poor Irving, he's been tortured by the insist woman for his entire life. So limo shows up, we're all like, what?

Limo pulls up. Limo driver gets out, little, no, it's okay. He's not going anywhere. He doesn't care. Yeah. Brian with the jokes. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no jumps out, she's like, so sorry, so sorry we're late. And I'm like, oh no, no, it's okay. He's, he doesn't care. Brian with the jokes. I'm doing an episode of the commercial break now. I've lost my ever loving mind. Opens the door and my mom is literally stuck in the backseat. We can't get her out. Poor thing. My papa Joe, he can't get in and out of college either with the knees and

the things. How did he crawl? I was like, how did they, what did they literally just push her ass in there? Yeah. Shove her onto the floor. I just heard this noise like, I'm just squeezing her in. So now there's, now you've got the two maintenance guys who have just dug the hole for Irving, the canter, me and Kevin and the limo driver all trying to yank my mom. Oh my god. The entire limousine is rocking back and forth and we're like, okay, heave ho, heave ho. So we get my mom out, she's on her walker and she can't, there's, she's still got another 50 feet to travel on a slope of grass downhill. So I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, like we don't need her falling and then just rolling into the grave. Let's think about this for a second. Can we get her a chair and an umbrella out here? But there's a golf cart sitting there. There's a person from the cemetery is sitting in a golf cart. So I'm like, quick thinking, I'm like, should we just use the golf cart? Like, Mom, can you get on the golf cart? And then let's just

pull the golf cart closer to the thing. Right. So that's what happens. So then it's a whole nother feat of miracles to get my mom onto this golf cart. And the lady drives her ever so slow down toward this green tent. It's on a slope pointing toward Irving, right? From the limousine down toward Irving. Okay. So the lady starts driving the golf cart very slowly up over the curb, you know, bump, bump. My mom almost falls out, of course.

And then she's driving it slowly toward the green tent. The lady does not apply the brakes and the thing just rolls right into the tent and into the chairs. No! I'm not even kidding you! The tent's moving with the golf cart and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! And the lady doesn't know she's not putting that foot on the brake. So the thing's just rolling downhill, taking the chairs with it. So finally we're like, let's just move the chairs out of the way. We'll just put the golf cart under the tent. So now you've got a tent with two loud speakers,

a canter that's standing in the sun, me and Kevin, we move all the chairs out of the way, except for three for Irving's son, me and Kevin. And then mom is sitting behind us in a golf cart under the tent. Crying, by the way. Oh no. Oh my God. So I'm already like, oh God, please let this go quickly

for the sake of all involved. Let's just get this done with. So I, so Kevin and I are like, okay, I think we should just get started. Cantor does the whole nine yards, right? She, but this does not last 10 to 15 minutes. This goes on for fucking ever. It felt like that. We are four. No, it doesn't feel like it.

It's true. We are 45 minutes in and she's like, ahakde, Ahabarakku, Aknakdakde. And I'm like, uh, she's got a lovely voice, by the way. And I do like those, for some reason, I do like those, like, when they sing in Hebrew, something about that really, I don't know, it's interesting to me. Touches you? It doesn't touch me necessarily, not at the funeral, but there's something there, right? Ha ha. So, the cantor's doing the whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah., but there's something there, right? So the canter's doing

the whole nine yards, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the canter goes, you know, unfortunately, not everybody could make it today, but we've had a few people email in. And I'm thinking to myself, is this really an episode of the commercial break? Now people are emailing in. And then she reads the emails. She read the emails and then Irving's son gets up. Poor guy. It's obvious he had never been on a microphone before. Never. And he's only in front, he's just talking to Kevin and I, that's it. That's all he's talking to Kevin and I. My mom

and him came together, they know each other well, right? And I know this guy, I've seen him a couple of times, we've met, we're friendly. I just hope that when I die, my kids have something additional to say. Because poor Irving's son, this is what he said. Some people remember my father as a nice guy, but he was a businessman and he was a really, really tough business guy. When I was young, he rented an additional apartment in our building for his art projects and he would often spend nights there. I'm thinking to myself, he's just telling us that Irving spent no time with him. So, but then the third thing he says, which is so strange, he's like,

a lot of people didn't know my father's artsy side. He one time took me to see a movie in the West, you know, West side village. He took us to see a movie about insects that got brains and ruled the world and killed all the humans. What? That ended up winning an Oscar. So there's that. All of us are like, wait, hold on, that's the right one. All of us are like, uh, uh, so listen. So his son kind of works his way through the little bit of eulogy. Then he also reads two emails, one of which is like two sentences long, sorry, I couldn't

be there. Who are you telling? It's like, dear Irving, sorry, I couldn't be there. Dear Irving, dear Irving, Irving can't hear you. Was it like an automated response? Do you think it was maybe like an email that was there? Like an out of office, but out of universe? I'm sorry, I can't be there.

Out of breath? Instead of out of office, out of breath? Out of heartbeats. Won't be back for a while. So, okay, so we get done with that part and then the cantor says something that's just lovely. I just thought it was lovely what she said. She said, and now we do one last thing for a mensch. We do one last favor for a mensch that he can never repay. We help

him with his transition to the next phase. From ashes to ashes, dust to dust. I now invite Irving's son to come put some dirt in the grave. Yes, I've seen what he's done. But before that, she gives us cue to the two people who are waiting to lower the two maintenance guys, say maintenance guys, facility guys, that are waiting to lower Irving into the grave. From the escalator, the coffin escalator. The coffin escalator, the casket escalator.

So now I want you to imagine you've never seen a coffin escalator, and I know you have, it's been in movies and stuff. The coffin is sitting over the open grave, there is a pile of dirt next to it on a piece of wood, and then there are straps underneath the casket. You then press a button and those straps lower, supposedly evenly, down into the grave. You already know what's coming. Supposedly. Supposedly.

But that's how it worked out with Irving. Oh, god. What's up, haters? Now let's get down to business. If you've got something to say, say it to our faces. And by that I mean, text us or call us at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can and should also find us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast, unless you want to fight me, in which case don't. And if you're just desperate should also find us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast, unless you wanna fight me, in which case don't.

And if you're just desperate to see our shining faces in person, keep your ears peeled for ticketing information about TCB Live. As always, don't forget that you can find everything you could possibly need to find on our beautiful website, tcbpodcast.com. Bye.

website, tcvpodcast.com. Bye. starts slowly going down. But what's happening is, is that one side is moving a little quicker than the other. And even before he goes down into the ground, the casket is turning over and I'm like, oh no, no, I can't see this. I don't want to see this. Please don't let that happen. Please don't let this happen. It's going to be really funny. The cat's going to open? Yeah. No, no, no, no. It didn't, but it was getting to the point where it was about to, because it was almost, it was sitting at like a 45 degree angle. And finally, the facility guy stopped it and he's trying to make it work. I don't know how, but they managed

to get him down into the grave. But then they have to take the straps out and they can't get the straps out. So for 15 minutes, 15 minutes, they are literally shimmying and shaking this casket trying to get these straps out from under it to the point where one of the guys had to go into the grave. He was leaning, one guy was holding his feet and he was down in the grave, hanging by his feet and the guy was trying to get to the strap. Oh no. It was awful, awful.

God, this is out of a movie. And you could hear the cancer going, oh dear God. Oh no, dear God. And my mom, ah! I look at Kevin and I'm like, what is going on? And he's like, I don't know. My mouth is sweaty. Oh, we're just dying.

Yeah. At this point I just gave up. I'm like, I don't even want to go into my own car. I don't need air conditioning. I just need to get to a shower. So eventually they do manage to get the straps off. And you know, the thing is, is that the facilities guys, this is probably not their first rodeo with something happening wrong. Right.

So they are very quiet and they're not talking to each other, sharing what's going on. They're just being quiet, you know? You can hear them occasionally whisper to each other like, you know, grab my legs, I'm going in. But they get the straps out, they pull these straps up. And then, so then the canter goes, okay, now I'd like to invite, you know, Irving's son to throw some dirt on the grave. Irving's son goes over and he just, I think maybe it was one of the first times he'd used the shovel, right? But he, and you know, there's people like that. just, I think maybe it was one of the first times he'd used the shovel, right? But he, and you know, there's people like that. Like I'm not exactly, you know, Tim the Tool Man Taylor either. So he goes and he starts, you know, digging some of this dry dirt and he finally gets some and pours a scoop over. And then he digs in again and he pours another

scoop. And then the third time he pours another scoop. And I'm thinking to myself, okay, three is the charm, third time's the charm. He's just gonna fill the grave up. But Chrissy, he keeps going. He keeps going. By the time he gets to like the 10th or 11th scoop, the canter walks over to him and taps him on the shoulder.

And she's like, that's good, that's good. And he's like, oh, okay, okay. And he walks over with the shovel and he hands it to Kevin. And he's like, okay, okay, and he walks over with the shovel and he hands it to Kevin and he's like Now you want me to throw mud on his casket no no no no no no no no no I don't want to do that. So he hands it to Kevin and Kevin looks at me and I'm like, I guess Kevin goes now Kevin doesn't know how many scoops to throw because Irving's son put in 30. How many are we supposed to do? Does he expect us to fill it up together? Are we taking turns? So we throw a couple of Kevin throws three appropriately three scoops in there. And I'm thinking to myself, three is the trick scoops in there.

And I'm thinking to myself, three's the trick. That's the charm. One is kind of dismissive. You're like, ah, fuck you, here's a scoop. Two is like a half-ass job. You're like, ah, you know, I guess I'll dump a little extra. It's like a, it's like supersized me. Okay, here's a little extra.

But if you do three, you've paid attention to the chore. The task at hand has been completed appropriately. Right? So I go and I, two, three. But on the third one, I get a rock on the shovel. But now I don't want to be fooling with mud while I'm sweating dredged in sweat that's some poor guy's funeral. So I throw the third one on there and all you hear is And I'm like, oh fuck He's at the rock it went right through the casket. It did but I'm just saying it made the biggest made the biggest dent. Denting nothing. This was like a plywood casket. I don't know. I mean, hey, listen, I agree. Why spend $50,000 on a fucking casket? Yeah, I mean, you're going to get eaten by worms anyway. Just let it happen. The quicker, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Yeah. So, okay. So, I get done with my three, the lovely cantor wraps it up with another 15 minutes of singing and prayer. And then she goes, that concludes the official service. And I'm thinking, please don't let there be an unofficial part of this service. That concludes this part of the service. Kevin goes to Irving's son, hey, I got these flowers, you mind if I put them in there with your dad? And he goes, no, I got these flowers, you mind if I put them in there with your dad?" And he goes, no, don't do that. He takes the flowers from Kevin and he puts it up against the gravestone.

He's like, no. Don't do that. And then the canter's like, while he's back over there around the grave site, the canter goes, well, thank you everybody for coming. And Irving's son starts shoveling again. Oh no, he thought he was had to be the one to do it. I don't know. Or maybe he's just like, fuck you, dad. Like, here's some more, like, I'm going to put you in the grave. I don't know. Or maybe he just felt like, he just wanted an extra moment with his dad. Like, you know, these things are highly personal and you never know. And I'm not saying Irving was a bad dad. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm telling a story for the commercial break. But, you know, it was lovely in its own very personal way,

but it was funny as an outsider coming in to see this weird service that just happened, and then the poor son is just sitting there filling his dad's grave site in. I'm thinking to myself, you know, there's two guys right here that are about to do that with an actual truck. Like, they're going to do that for you. It's part of the price. Right. Part of the baggage. I almost felt like saying, do you want some help? I bet we can get this done quickly if we just do it together.

So did your mom ride back in the limo? My mom rode back in the limo and you, Chrissy, as soon as, now we've been there for an hour and a half. We're supposed to have been there for 15, and my mom even told me this. It's not, you're only going to be there for 15 minutes, honey. Just come stop by and say hello. Say hello to who? Who am I saying hello to? You?

I mean, I get it, but you know, I've now been there for an hour and a half. It's been long, way longer than anybody expected we were going to be there, right? An hour and a half. Actually, I think it was more closer to two hours. We were there for a long time. And then we have to get my mom back in. And I know for a fact, this is going to be another half hour project. We got to get my mom in. Well, you should have seen this limo driver. This limo driver literally tried to put my mom on her back. And my mom is no small woman. Literally tried to shove my mom in by putting her on her back and throwing her in. Why didn't you guys take her mom? My mom is no small woman. Literally tried to shove my mom in by putting her on her back and throwing her in.

Why didn't you guys take her mom? Well, here's the problem. She can't get into our cars. Oh, she can't get into your car? No, she needs it. There's only a couple cars that she can get into because of her mobility issues, right? And so it was, but I didn't think the limo was any better.

I would have rather her try and step up into my big truck than try and get down into the limo. But at that point, the limo's paid for and Irving's son wants to go hang out. The after party, I guess. I don't know. Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. But this is- You're a good son. I am a good son. And I'd like to make that known throughout the land, throughout the podcast universe. I just have to let you know, please either let my funeral be a complete

party of epic proportions or let it be an absolute shit show like this, so at least you can squeeze some hilarity out of it here on the show. And don't wait around for me. Find somebody else to do the commercial break with. There's plenty of good suitors. Probably anybody would be better than me. But I have to tell you that I was so, just, not only that I think it was funny, not only was I dumbfounded by the whole thing, but then I was a little bit mortified at everything that just went down. It was hard to process actually leaving. I've been to a lot of funerals, not a lot, but I've been to, you know, we've all been to funerals. You get to a certain age and that's all you start doing is going

to funerals. There's no more weddings, it's all funerals now. But you go there and you expect, there's just a certain expectation of like, how it's all going to go down. The part that I felt the most bad about was, and I realized, by the way, Irving was not, is not native to Atlanta. He's buried here because his first wife is here. Jared. And she bought the package. Jared. Well, I noticed that he was being buried next to her. Jared. Wow. Jared. So, they were in a dual gravesite together, right? And I just felt so awful for my mom.

Jared. It's interesting. Jared. Also, the canter, like, the only thing she talked about was the lovely relationship So, they were in a dual gravesite together, right? And I just felt so awful for my mom. It's interesting. Also, the canter, like, the only thing she talked about was the lovely relationship that him and his first wife had, and my mom's in the back sitting there and I'm like, hey, guys, come on. But I do have to tell you, like, just burn me to a crisp and then have a party. Literally drink my ashes. That is what I will do. That's what I want you to do. Because…

I want the same. Yeah. Why are we going through all of this? And I understand it's like traditions, and he was a little bit of an older gentleman. And I do understand why a lot of people couldn't show because they're in New York or other places that he's lived. And it's not exactly... Dear Irving, sorry I can't make it. Yeah. Dear Irving, sorry I can't make it. They were literally RSVPing to his funeral. But what was amazing to me about all of this is learning that his first wife, 28 years ago, planned this for him.

And it got executed to the tee. Every wish and desire that she had got incorporated into this service, including almost tipping over the casket. I kid, I kid, of course. Yeah, she might've paid for that too. Hey, you never know that she amended the package after they got divorced. That's an extra, that's an extra $20. It's an extra $20 to have the casket escalator break while you're lowering your loved one down in there. Actually, you know what? That's how I want to go.

Burn me to a crisp and have me in a little, you know, what do you call this? Earn. But what I would like is pretend as if I was actually put in a casket, have a crappy, crickety old plywood box made, and then someone push it over halfway through the service and have like a doll of Frankie B rollout or a sex doll, have a sex doll rollout. This is how Brian would have wanted to be remembered, like a sex doll. Oh God, Brian! Men want to be him, women want to be with him. He's amazing. And if you don't invite the British fluffer to my funeral, you fail.

He lives in New York, I don't know if he can make it. I want him to give the eulogy. Have him give the eulogy. All right, you want to write my eulogy? TCBpodcast.com. I dare you. I invite it actually. I want you to go to tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, right there from one location. Hit the contact us button, send us a message. Write me a eulogy.

I actually, I'll read it on air. I think that'd be funny. Also, if you'd like your, what would Frankie do sticker, those are our brand new stickers. Series three just came out. We have them available now. Send us your physical address and every week or so we drop some in the mail.

So if you wanna be a part of that next round, send in your physical address. They're just off in creation right now. Yes, they're being created. They're off in creation. I sent them off for creation. 855TCB8383, that's one 855TC-TCB-8383 toll free anywhere in the world. Comments, questions, concerns, content, ideas. We never spam. We always respond. Hit us up

at 855-TCB-8383 at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash the commercial break. Do us a favor, please go subscribe to the YouTube channel. I'm trying to get to 5,000 before the end of the year, but I'm gonna need at least, I'm gonna need most of you to do it twice if we're gonna get to 5,000. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so.

But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. And I'll say best to you. And best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time dearly departed that we meet. We next time, dearly departed, that we meet. We always say we do say it, we must say. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Bye. So 30 in the morning!