The Commercial Break - Very Best Of A Mediocre Season 1 (Part 1)

Episode Date: December 29, 2020

Our favorite clips from Season 1, episodes 1 to 18 all rolled into one new episode! Don't forget to rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode! Text us or leave us a voicemail at +1-661-BEST2YO ([phone]) LINKS: Get a FREE TCB limited edition collectible sticker Follow us on Instagram Subscribe and watch the show on Youtube Join us live on Fireside New episodes every Tuesday & Friday everywhere you listen to podcasts! For advertising contact AdvertiseCast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

On this episode of the commercial break... Well, hello there, my little dudo bugs, and did you know it's coming close to the end of the year 2020? Fun fact, the year 2020 is the year of the rat in the Chinese calendar. I shit you negatively, it's absolutely true, look it up and the irony should not be lost on you. With the conclusion of the year 2020 comes the conclusion of the first season of the commercial break podcast. And I gotta tell you from this side of the microphone, it's been quite a wild ride.

Chrissy and I started this podcast, we had two really bad microphones and no fucking clue what we were doing. And nine months later, we are still absolutely clueless, but the microphones are better. And so we got that going for us. I think we sound really good from a microphone perspective. Even when we're not that funny and even when it's not that good. But even when it wasn't that funny and it wasn't that good, you all continue to listen and more and more if you listened and for that I'll be forever grateful. You know on a serious note I think about podcasting is kind of an art form and I think about the

podcasters who have really done it right and the ones that I like to listen to and there's something that I appreciate about podcasting that I also appreciate about the music that I like and the actors that I watch and the directors who make the movies that I enjoy and that's that they all started off as really shitty actors and musicians and podcasters but they allowed themselves the room to make mistakes and to grow and more importantly the audience stuck with them while they made mistakes and they grew and just like the grateful dead eventually they turned into a traveling drug carnival that made a bunch of money for everyone involved.

So that's my hope for the season two of the commercial break podcast, is that we turn into a traveling drug carnival that makes money for everyone involved. But until then, we decided we didn't want to leave you empty handed in between this. We'll call it a lull in between seasons with nothing to listen to. So we thought we would put together a best of, so this is best of part one, that's episodes

one through eighteen, where we're taking clips from the first eighteen shows and we're just gonna kinda mishmash them together in sequential order. And this was picked partly by the listeners and partly by our production staff. So if you have any gripes or you think this is unfunny or any clips fall flat, I want you to write an email to infoattsbpodcast.com and place the blame squarely on Gustavo's shoulders because he's young and good looking and he can take rejection much better than I can. And Chrissy and I want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts for tuning in Season 1, and we look forward to bringing you more smiles in Season 2 until then. Enjoy the

best of Season 1, as narrated by my free voiceover software in a bad British accent. It's my gift to you! Clips from episode number one. Hi, and welcome. I'm Brian Green, host of the commercial break. I'm a son, a father, a husband, a passionate pragmatist, a Facebook doctor, and a Twitter epidemiologist. I started the commercial break after the world suddenly locked down in early 2020. It's like we're in a real life commercial break. Every podcast will interview experts and idiots alike. We'll give advice on how to survive this lockdown with only high-speed internet, Netflix, food, and air conditioning.

We'll talk to people with opposing viewpoints and we'll get the stories behind them. Together we'll dive deep into the world world during and after the age of corona. So enjoy the episode of this commercial break. If you lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in the real estate market recently because you've been scammed by scammy scammers, don't worry. I have spent at least 13 seconds learning how to turn the tables. YouTube could be a Nigerian real estate scammer online for free. I have spent at least 13 seconds learning how to turn the tables.

YouTube could be a Nigerian real estate scammer online for free. I'm going to show you how to make multiple fake Facebook pages and you're going to become the king of internet marketing. Buy my series now today, 1999 plus 1999 shipping and handling. And right now, if you act quickly, I'm going to throw in another package for 1999 plus 1999 ship in a handling. It's a deal you can't beat, it's on a two-of-friend, it's on a two-of-family. Give it to your dog, it doesn't matter.

Everyone's gonna be making money on this brand new suit. Clips from episode number two. I heard about the naked zoom parties. There's naked zoom parties? Yes. This is what the teenagers are doing, is naked zoom parties. There's naked zoom parties. Yes. This is what the teenagers are doing is naked zoom parties. I think it's anybody who, you know, anybody who can get on sing.

Hey, listen, whatever I can think of a few of our friends who are probably going to naked zoom parties. And I imagine it's not the, you know, the center of hotness. We imagine it to be in our heads. Right. It's like a new beach. It's not like the playboy after dark channel. This is like real people with real bodies.

Clips from episode number three. Again, I don't think all religion is bad. I think there are a lot of people who are considered themselves religious who are fantastic human beings and they don't they're not following some shitbag lunatic around, you know, buying colloidal silver. You too! Colloidal silver, but none, none, none, none, none, none, shipping and handling. Cures coronavirus. It cures the herpes. It even cures gay.

Are you gay? Colloidal Silva. Make a dick shrivel up. You know what, man, no more. No more. LAUGHTER Let's listen in on Kenny and one of his other shepherds of the Lord, having a little chitchat.

I execute judgment on you, COVID-19. Oh, Ramos. I execute judgment on you, Satan. You destroyer. You killer. You get out. You break your power. You get off this nation.

I demand judgment on you. I demand. Hold. I demand. I demand judgment on you. I demand. I demand. I demand. Of vaccination to come in media. Yes. Well, there you go. Let it be done. Can you go to the show?

Team Sankree. Team Sankree. Listen to the guy. These are always some assholes in the back. Speaking of tongues too. Like that is an extra layer of bullshit that adds to shi-am-al-am-a-ding-dong. Shi-am-a-ding-dong.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Sh-am-a-lam-a-ring-a-ding-dong, can it go? Oh, can it go. When you watch these clips, these two are looking at each other, and they have the shit smirk of someone who

knows that they are getting one over on the rest of the fucking room. One of them singing and Shammel Amideng Dong and the other one is saying, we break wing dang big bang! Big goon, the new coronavirus, big goon, coronavirus! The spirit of the Lord has ha- with Kenny tonight. Let's continue. Let's hop with Kenny tonight. Let's continue. Do you think it be talks louder? Then it's gonna help even more. He's talking louder because there are some Asian people in the audience. And you know, it always works if you just talk louder and people that don't understand your language.

Kenny's trying to get across to the whole world. Yeah, it's shouting, yelling. I call you done. I call you done, Don. I call you gone. I call you long, Don. I think he just said long, Don. Oh, then.

I call you one. I call you one! I call you the one! Very sexy girlfriend! Clips from episode number four. Nathan wants to explain what happened to him when he got the bug for Flat Earthing. At first I was extremely skeptical. I thought this was the craziest idea I'd ever heard and I was going to debunk it in five minutes.

And after about a month of not sleeping and really just digging through the information I was a flat-earther. So now we find out the real reason why Nathan's a flat-earther, Crystal Math. Who's not sleeping for a month and going through the internet? So now we find out the real reason why Nathan's a flat-earth or crystal math Who's not sleeping for a month and going through the internet who are these people do they not have jobs see Here's it follow me here. Holy I think what happens is these guys are either Gainfully unemployed right or they're just kind of like sedentary They're not not really doing anything in their life And when they find out that they, like this guy in this particular documentary, it says that this guy gets 2,000 Facebook friends, friend requests a day for his group, 2,000 a day

people. That's wild. Isn't that insane? That is insane. I don't think I know 2,000 people in my entire life, like, let alone. No, that's true. Yeah. We, we are like 2, 2000 people away from getting 2000 people

to listen to this podcast. Dude, sell it to me. There's a chance. Tell them you there's a chance. My mom said the podcast was good and she was gonna spread it around the retirement home like wow. Irving.

Yeah, Irving K from Sunset Flowers Retirement Home says, I can't hear anything That's the review Oh! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Where's my brain juice? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Please sit on our website. He's not on the TV. He's not on the TV.

It's a podcast. Ha! It's a what? It's a podcast. Oh my God, I don't know why that was so funny. It's a fantastic thing. I can't hear anything. Clips from episode number six. Okay, but before we start, before we dig in to the 20 secrets, our debonair dipshit has a warning for everybody.

I do warn you that making girls funny and love is not as fun as it looks. When you use these texts correctly, you're going to have girls who want to be around you. And if you never had that before, it could be a very weird experience because you're gonna notice that it gets old after a while. It's not as fun as it looks. Having girls being near to you around you wanting to see you is not as fun as it looks, okay?

So just give your warning, getting girls to fun and love with you, amazing, amazing pretty. But once you have a girl who's obsessed with you, it's not gonna be as pretty as it looks. I'm just letting you guys know. So if you guys want this, this is the video, right? Because these are 20 dark shit. 20 dark shit.

Yeah, more of a mastery of the English language. This is 20 dark shit. 20 dark shit. Listen, this is the hook right here. He's like the guy on TV selling the spray on hair solution, right? But we must warn you, women will never be able to tell your hair is brunette silly string and a can. Hey, baby, silly string in your hair. No. I'm in a hair club for men.

This fuck twad right here is really working up a sale. And the funny thing is is I don't see anything for sale here. Maybe he's trying to get you. But my thought of someone watching this on the other end, the comments too. Like there's the good news is there's put more down comments than there are, you know, more down thumbs than there are up thumbs or whatever. It's encouraging, but some of the comments are like one of the comments some comments said. I used to play it and just work. Do you know what Bale's bondsman? One comment said, minute number wind. This guy's a fucking jackass, minute number seven.

He's a genius. Clips from episode number seven. We run out of gas. We pull over to a QT. We pull over to that QT. Let's just say this. On the way, Donald and I had partaken in some of the, we figured there was a Fender's feet. We figured there was a Fender's feet of what was going on here, right? I mean, who wouldn't do it? There it is. We're gonna miss a couple of mushrooms out of 12 pounds, right? Right.

So we're chewing on these things on the way home and about halfway there we run out of gas and we stop and the shrooms are kicking in and everything's going crazy and the music is blaring. And as we stop and we go to get gas, there is a little fucking kitten that's like walking

in the QT parking lot like back and forth. And I'm like, oh, is that like a real kitten or am I seeing shit? And he's like, I don't know, it looks like a real kitten to me. And I walk up to the real kitten and as soon as I pick up the kitten and I lift my head, a police officer's pulling in. And he pulls in right in the parking spot where the kitten was kind of next to the kitten, right? I'm frozen. Absolutely frozen. I am totally petrified. I have this little kitten in my says, excuse me, I just bought this kitten.

He says, you bought the kitten? And I said, I did, sir. I bought the kitten and I'm just taking it home. How would they mind you? I'm allergic to fucking cats. It's right. Deadly allergic to cats. But I said, I just bought the kitten and I'm allergic to fucking cat. It's right. Deadly allergic to cat. But I said I just bought the kitten and I'm taking it home. And he said, Oh, okay. See you later. Sounds good.

Sounds good. On your way. I don't even want to deal with you. I'm going to let you go. Clips from episode number eight. It was, yeah, there was a thousand kids there. I think kids, it was mostly fraternities or the kids. So we got, my partner and I got to the show a few minutes late and we're in the back and it's packed and we're selling tons of booze and things seem fine. And then all of a sudden they had these dancers that were on stage and the dancers go off the stage and they come back out and they don't have any tops on. And we're like, oh, these girls have new tops on. Fully nude.

I mean, fully nude from the waist up. From the waist up. And so my partner and I look at each other and said, this could be a problem. You're in a Bible belt. You know, it's deep sacks for Mississippi. Deep South, you know, place and And so we let it kind of we let it go for a minute and We let it ride for a minute then then the girls go off stage and they come back for the next song And they're fully a hundred percent nude whoa

So at this point then. Like, Ching-Cheng's hanging out and everything. Everything. And it's the Miso Horni dancer. So it's three women. Oh my God. Completely nude on stage in front of 1,000 people. And so we, I parted and I look at each other.

And so he's like, I'll take care of the stage. You take care of the soundboard. So the idea was I go over the soundboard. I cut the sound, he go to the stage, deal with the performers, and I cut the lights on too. Oh, but there's more. So that took, it very well documented. That took about 11 minutes to accomplish that,

to run through all the audience and get everything done. What happened in that 11 minutes is pretty famous. There was all sorts of stuff that I guess were on a podcast, we can say whatever the hell we want to say. But there was all 11 listeners, obscene gestures that and not just gestures acts that occurred in that 11 minutes. There was luking the girls or just the girls doing whatever they're doing. The girls were doing, um, they put, uh, uh, lollipops in their vikinas and then we're throwing them out into the audience.

There was, there was strap up. That's my favorite kind of lollipop. Oh lollipop, but see. There was a... a labial lollipop, I love it. Clips from episode number 10. Tina, tan and tweez is now reopened. After much ado about apparently nothing,

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we are not allowed to serve food on premises. All catering will be provided inside of Dr. D's podiatry examination room. Due to health department restrictions, all food must be served in a brown paper bag. Tina Tannen-Tweez is obligated to announce that we no longer offer the one hand-band massage package. We are happy to announce, however, that all massage therapists

have been returned to their country of origin unharmed So come on down to Tina Tannen tweez for the grand reopening Tina, Tannen tweez we grew you with these exactly where you please clips from episode number 13 But it's like you know that what was the Lala land the can't oh Lala land I actually like Lala land, but there's talking in that movie like it's not all songs, right? Yeah, that's true. I actually like the movie But I just like to like the whole jazz thing. I think it's interesting. It's interesting to me anyway as a musician who plays over 16 different instruments

You're like Prince I I am like Prince. Can't play one song in any of them. You've heard that before, haven't you? You've heard that before, haven't you? You've heard that before, haven't you? You've heard that before, haven't you? So, I, you know, I'm trying to impress Astrid and I'm like, more first dating.

We go over to Switzerland, or not Switzerland, excuse me, we go over to France and we're in the Pyrenees Mountains for New Year's Eve. And this is when we're still dating, right? We're actually maybe engaged at the point. And we go to this big party at this hotel in the top of the Pyrenees Mountains. So it's just like, so it's just wonderful, right?

You just, what you think of us, it's a dream vacation. And so we're there with all of her family members and all this stuff. So when I was first trying to impress Astrid, I explained to her that I was a multi-talented musician. Right? Well, it just so happens that at Shale la la la in the Pyrenees Mountains in France

has a baby grand piano where there is a child that's like nine years old who's playing some, you know, can share toe on it, right? But he's not like, he wasn't hired by the hotel, he's just a kid at the, yeah, at this New Year's Eve party, it's like a hotel party, right? Everyone gets served dinner and then we all dance and there's a DJ and all this stuff.

And so this is before the cocktail hour. And so Astrid starts speaking in Spanish and her dad starts encouraging me to play the piano. And Astrid goes, come on honey, go play, go play a few things. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, I don't know any, you know, I'm a little rusty. I don't know anything by heart. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty.

I don't know anything by heart. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I don't know anything by heart. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty.

I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I'm a little rusty. I can't do this.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah.

I can't do this. Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah. I can't do this.

Yeah. I can't do this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. down right no no no no I don't want to show anybody else that's not my people I'm not sure it's tuning correctly to my I have a special tuning I need a special tuning for mine it's like I'm so good special to me. Yeah. Wow. Ah.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. So it's obvious that everyone's making fun of me. It's Spanish. It's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. It's good. You think you're a bunch of dumb fucking idiots, right? And I'm like, I gotta just play something just to like, that I actually know how to play the piano. But the only... It's all six seconds.

Worse. So the only thing that I could think to play... What's home sweet home sweet home by Motley Crew. What's home sweet home by Motley Crew. What's home sweet home sweet home by Motley Crew. What's home sweet home by Motley Crew. by Montenegro. Oh my god. Yeah, they're French L.A. in the Bernese Mountains. It's one of my closest family members. They don't speak a lick of English, I don't speak a lick of Spanish. And I'm playing Home Sweet Home by Montenegro.

Astrid's dad's like what song is that and I'm like oh it's It's Beethoven some of his early work It's so much lesser now. It's from his first album. Do you like the 9th Symphony? You should check out his only works. The 9th is after he's sold out. It's not so good. Here, let me play. I'm on my way. Just send me free. Oh, sweet. Oh, my God. I'm excited for life. I hope this is half of the funny to the people listening. It's funny to me.

Mm. Was Astrid a press ball scenario? Oh, she was that. Oh, she was that. So then I think it's a smart ass move for the next like three birthdays and holidays. She got me a musical instrument. Like here, she did play this new guitar. All right, catch you.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, later. Later. Later. Too busy at work. Oh, man. God bless America. That was pretty funny. I just.

I was a good laugh. That was a good laugh. That was a good laugh. It's like, it's just how you pictured it, dude. It's like the snow in the backgrounds and the mountains outside the windows and it's dark and there's lights all over it. You know, the beautiful lights and the trees and people skiing and then on.

The holiday scene. Yeah, and everyone's dressed up in tuxedos and beautiful. Here comes Brian with a home sweet home. By the way, the nine year old eventually stood behind me. I think his parents had encouraged him to take over. Like, we paid a thousand dollars ahead for this party when I got to audition and said we're going to. He didn't need a special tuner. Yeah, and so just as hard as we were laughing, that's how hard my in-laws were laughing. After I got off the piano, and my father-in-law just looked

at me and he goes, you know, I'll play the piano. That kid knows how to play the piano, yeah. Yeah. Clips from episode number 14. And that's the night that Chrissy didn't know how much the stone crab was. Oh my god, that was fucking hilarious. I have 500 stone crab claws. I my God, that's fucking hilarious. I have 500 stone crab claws.

I was like, these things are delicious. We were waiting for, I think we were waiting for Rachel. So we all got there a little bit early and we started drinking. We started in biving. And I mean, Chrissy must have been, we all must have been two or three bottles of wine into this before we got sat down at this table.

And so the waiter comes up and he says, hello, welcome to one of the Shaila Lines. Do you know it? Is that how he's found it? He's a Shaila Lines. Welcome. And he's so low. So low.

What? Is tonight we have a very special special. It is called the Stone Club. And Krissy was like, oh my God, Stone Club. I love Stone Club and Chrissy was like oh my god Stone crab I love Stone crab and I was like yes, Stone crab that sounds good Okay, how many should you have and Chrissy looks at me? You can have one and I'm like I gotta have one That's okay. You're gonna have one. Yeah, she'll have one too. Let's take 12

Small yeah, she asked she goes a bigger day and he goes well, you want to? Yeah, she has, she goes, how big are they? And he goes, well, he's a stone crab. He's small, he's put the size of a stone. And he goes, it's the size of a stone. And she sells out Zag 12. And literally, sat there and we plowed through all 12 snowcrap. She had it for, and then she ordered three more for her dinner. She's like, I'll take a salad in some more stone crab.

And some more? Like, $700 later, I got my cup, the bill is $700. A big dolly. You know what, we're splitting this, right? That's what we got to do. That was amazing. It was one of the greatest moments in.

I still love stone crab. I stand behind my stone crab glass. As you show what you liked and you didn't care how much that cost. That's right. You put that restaurant on a new house. You stand behind this stone crab. Oh my God. Clips from episode number 15. Jeff. I just have this vision of Jeff like dancing Like dancing across the sand and then like jumping into the into the dune I was crying Because I was already felt bad for I was crying. My senior was, because I was already felt bad for him.

Really with that tagline. Then he has to go get a new pair of flip flops after it. He didn't pick. I picked up the flip flops and they didn't melt it. And I got the same. Oh my god. Oh my god. Someone gave me some water.

The sand really was hot. Oh, really is hot out here. Flirt is tagline, is it? Well, at least it's cooler than hell. Smarter, you can cook breakfast on your forehead. I said, I'm right. I had an uncle, like we took this cross country trip one time and I was in an uncle's like a great uncle.

And we went to Phoenix, Arizona. We took the trip in between school years. So like my, I don't know what was in my freshman and sophomore year or something. It's cross country trip 42 days in a car van with my family. And we stopped in Phoenix, Arizona to see a long lost uncle of my father. So he was like my great uncle or whatever.

And he lives in the Sun City West, which is the world's largest retirement community. I think I've heard of you. Yeah, they have one in Florida too, I think, in Sun City East. So in Sun City West, there's like 10,000 homes. And it's just like this village where all these people, these retired people

live in these small little homes. And in the middle of the fucking desert. And I'll never forget, we got to the embassy suites where we were staying. And there was like a big thermometer sitting over the pool and it said like a hundred and seven right and I'd never seen anything like this. I was like it's a hundred and seven and it was even too hot to go in the pool. Like the pool water was so fucking hot. You just you didn't want to go. So there's not my dad was like, no, not going in the pool. That's gonna boil your fucking. You fucking nuts off

kid. You're nuts. are gonna fry, kid. And so we go over to my uncle's house and I'll never forget this. It's this great uncle guy who I think was in World War II or something. He is wearing a fucking cardigan sweater with golf pants and shoes. And he is out back grilling on an open flame grill.

And he's not in there's like, not a bead of sweat is coming off his forehead and he keeps explaining to my father how it's a dry. Like you know everyone says it's a dry. Right. Now he made a fucking brain. It's rotted from the inside out. It's not a dry heat.

It's fucking hot. The hundred and seven is a hundred and seven. When you choose her melting, it's fucking hot. Clips from episode number 18. She might be preparing this, that might be where they're getting the misfit but enough squash. Because let me explain. I agree with you, by the way, but enough squash, not my favorite thing in the world, unless it's in a restaurant being prepared by a five star chef and, you know, spaghetti squash, spaghetti squash all day long, but but enough squash, not squash not for me spaghetti squash I like it with spaghetti sauce I love

it so anyway so the lady said so I say yeah you know what do you say at that point you know the neighbors trying to be nice and I think yeah and she's got three huh she's like well maybe he's crying wait wait oh I think my dog just passed away he was really got to go roll his old bones down to the bed. I got a whole cremation plan prepaid for it. So I say to her, I say, you know, she goes, well, I've got a hundred of them. And I said, oh, a hundred of them. Well, I better not take that many because, you know, maybe the next door neighbor wants something, you know, the guy next to me.

So now I'm pawning off a visit to him, right? And so she says, you're probably right. Let me give you 50 and I'll give 50 to him. And that should last you all year. And I'm like, this is gonna last me a fucking entire lifetime. I mean, first of all, I don't even know how to plant butternut squash.

Where am I gonna plant butternut squash? I got a two-year-old. He's just gonna pull it up out of the ground anyway. I'm growing weeds in my backyard. That's how effective I am at growing. I'm not a horticulturist. That's cut down three trees in my yard, all of which were healthy when I moved in

and died in the process because I did something wrong. And so I'm like, oh, okay. And she goes, well, let me tell you, you know, I got a hundred butternotsquash? No, but, you know, I do have to go. So maybe you can wrap this up pretty quickly. I had a whole package of seeds, and I put them in my trunk, and they spilled over. Well, I left my trunk open one day, and they're got water in the trunk, and then the sunlight

hit them, and they started sprouting right there in my trunk. No. And I'm like, oh, and these are, those are these are, these are those are you just telling the story from a different butternut? Yeah. And she goes, oh no, they just sprouted and so I went and I planted them and look at there's prouting beautifully. And I'm like, that's because they're probably a fucking motor oil on them. I mean, this is like, I don't know what's in your trunk, but who leaves their trunk open for days at a time, right?

And I'm like, first of all, I, stuff's spilling in there, obviously. Fucking gross. The whole situation's fucking gross, right? And now I'm instantaneously, a joke of germaphobe, I do not even wanna touch the box now. I'm like, oh, you know, you probably grew

because of coronavirus, got it? Or something, I don't know. So I take it, you can you know, probably grew because coronavirus got into it. Or something. I don't know. So I take it down right over there. That's what I said. I said, why don't you set that down right there and I'll have my wife's really, you know, she's the good one with the plant.

She's going to be the one to put on the gloves and throw it away. So I'm like, you know, whatever. Okay, so but another squash, right? Now, I explained to her that we had a new baby and that we were, I said, listen, I know you've, she's been ringing the doorbell, pretty consistently since. And I'm like, I know you and I told her,

I said, I know you've been ringing the doorbell pretty consistently. And, you know, just understand that we have a baby and it's really tough sometimes to get to the door. Plus, we're trying to keep people out of the house because of coronavirus and stuff like this. And she goes, oh, well, just to let you know, I don't have coronavirus. And I'm like, oh, you okay, I don't have coronavirus either, but I don't really fucking know if I have coronavirus and no one does. That's the whole point. That's why it's a fucking global pandemic. If everyone knew that they had coronavirus,

we wouldn't be in the situation that we were in. So two weeks after the butternut squash, I get another ping-bong at my door, and I'm like, I see the deterrent, I'm like, oh my Christ, I got this, the fucking deal with this again. I come out the door and she goes, I need your help immediately.

And I'm like, oh, okay, what's going on? It's the air conditioner. It fell on my husband. And I'm like, the air conditioner fell on your husband. How did the air conditioner lift up to fall on your husband? They're usually sitting on a cement pad. I don't know who was lifting it up and she's like, oh my gosh, can you come over and help, you know, Bob was going to come over and help Bob put the air conditioner back? And I'm like, what? Put the air conditioner back.

And don't worry, we don't have coronavirus. And I'm like, oh my God, I go inside, I get a mask, I get gloves, I get a triage suit, I run across the street. And I'm like, if Bob's really under an air conditioner here, I might be a party to a murder, right? Like, that's what I'm thinking in my head, is that someone threw the air conditioner on top of Bob

because she got upset. Then she's like, come in my house. And I'm like, where's the air conditioner? And she's like, it's up in the room. And I'm like, you have an air conditioner up in the room? What are you? And she's like, it's a window air conditioner. And I'm like, oh, a window air conditioner.

So I run upstairs into this room that by the way is like something out of buried alive, hoarders buried alive from TLC. Yes, it's just unbelievable. And Bob is literally sitting like he's on his chest. And he's trying to push it up into the window, right? And I'm like, oh my god, let me hear it. Let me help you. So I help them and I get it in the window. And she said, but we need to take that one out because that one is the is the bad one and we're replacing the new one. And I'm like, how did you expect to get this out? And you know, it's like all attached and everything. And she says, well, I was just going to push it out the window. And

I'm like, listen, you're going to kill somebody. Then you don't push it out the window. You know, you know, you window. You know, you know, saying, and she goes, I'm sorry, I've only hold one out. I've been new in there. God, you don't live in Manhattan. I can just kind of shove an air conditioner out the window. Well, you're just gonna leave it there and let it rot. I mean, so I say, listen, let's think about this

a little more delicately. You know, you have the new one, yes we do. And then she says, because this one hasn't worked in at least three days. And I said, oh, okay, well you have the new one. Yes, we do. And then she says, because this one hasn't worked in at least three days. And I said, oh, okay, well, it's unplugged. Did you notice it was unplugged? No. I said, well, maybe we could try plugging it in.

And she's like, well, I, who would have unplugged it? And I'm like, well, I just don't know. I don't have hair. I don't live here in order I want. So I just want to be out of here as soon as possible. So if we plug this thing in and get it turned on, I'm going to be immediately out the door. So I'm like, there's dog, there's cats,

there's all kinds of things in here that I'm allergic to. I'm like, oh, they I'm going, fucking nuts. I plug this thing in and I turn it on and it turns on and I turn around and I go, see? And she's lighting up a cigarette in her room, in the room. And I'm like, oh my fucking Christ. You got to be kidding me. We're in the middle of a fucking pandemic.

I'm sitting here in, you know, the Atlanta zoo, part two and you butter nuts, clutch heaven. She doesn't know how to plug anything in. So I'm like, forget about it. It's I'm so glad that I could. Oh my gosh. I'm so glad you can have you want to smoke. No, I don't want to smoke.

I'm like, you know, I got to go back to the baby. I got in the house and I deloused myself. I literally took off my clothes at the front door and went in and went straight to a shower. It was like a shower. Yeah, I was fucking disgusting, fucking disgusting. And so, okay. So now, let's fast forward to three days ago.

Three days ago, you know, Schnitzel puts, comes up, can't stop laughing every time, say that. Schnitzel puts, comes over, rings the doorbell. Rings the doorbell again. Rings the doorbell a third time. She won't go away and I'm like, fuck, man, let me go see what's going on.

So she goes, have you seen anybody in the front of my house? And I'm like, no, what wasn't looking, but no, I haven't seen anybody in the front of my house? And I'm like, no, wasn't looking, but no, I haven't seen anybody in the front of your house. Someone stole meat from my freezer. And I'm like, oh, oh, that does sound like a problem. Someone stole meat from your freezer. Like the freezer you have in your house, the freezer I have in my house, stole meat right from it. And I'm looking for the culprits.

And I'm like, you looking at, you think I took the meat from your freezer? What do you want me to do? Well, I noticed that you have one of these doorbell cameras, and I was wondering if you could go through the footage and see if you see anybody stealing meat from my freezer. I'm like, you are 620 yards away from my front door.

Why do you think that I would be able to determine whether or not someone stealing meat from the inside of your fucking house? HODLY, this goes on. Then I go outside and then the lady meets me out in the driveway. She's like catching me before I get in the car and she's like, did you have a chance to go through there?

And I'm like, no, I didn't have a chance to go. Actually, you know what? Yes, I did go through the footage. I have a brand new baby. I don't have time to be going through my ring doorbell footage. I don't even, you know, if someone's still meat from my freezer, I don't know how time to go through. I don't care all that much.

If they still meat from your freezer, it's because they're hungry. Like just leave it alone. Like maybe it was that dog that you have in the backyard, you haven't fed in three years. Maybe he still meat from your fucking freezer. And besides, you've got 6,000 but enough squash plants back there. You're gonna survive, Bobby. I promise you're gonna survive so this this goes on and now she's meeting my wife at the front She's meeting my wife before she gets into the she wants to talk to her about this and that and the other thing now

She bought herself an infrared camera system that has to be plugged in it's not by batteries and she wants to hang it from the tree And she wants to know if I'll come over and help her hang it from the tree. You're the installer now. The problem with living in a neighborhood in a house is that you can sometimes hit the neighbor jackpot like I didn't, you know, with the guy's next door or you can sometimes hit the neighbor fucking cuckoo list like the one that crossed the street. And the thing is, I can't get away from it. It's not like I can just close my apartment door and pretend that I'm not here. If my cars out front, they know that I'm here and they're going to come and they're going to knock

on the door until I answer the fucking door. Plus, I got a two year old. Every time that the doorbell rings, I got like one of those side glass panels, right? So it's not, every time the doorbell rings, my son runs up to the side glass panel and just like puts his face against it. He's like, hello. One time I answered through the ring doorbell, I'd never used that ring doorbell ever. I'd like to talk to somebody, but one time she came over, it's like a week ago, and she's like, ding dong. And I'm like, hey, Bobby, it's Brian. I listen, I can't come to the door. I'm on a conference call.

And she's like, you can see she's like putting her ear next to the camera. And she's like, you're out of what? I'm on a conference call. I can't come to the door. I'm talking to you through the ring doorbell. The what? The doorbell. I just rang it.

Oh yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. It's the doorbell. That's how I'm talking to you. Where are you honey? I can't see you. I'm in the doorbell. I'm inside the doorbell. I'm inside the doorbell

Wow Can you can you come outside? No, I'm sorry. I'm on a conference call. How are you talking to me through the doorbell if you're on a conference call? I'm just pretending to be on a conference This is how you take a hint This is how you take a hint. How does your doorbell do that? Listen, I can't get into all the details right now, but as soon as I get off this conference call, I'm going to think about some other things I have to do and that'll be over later on today, two or three in the morning.

Leave the maid out. That's right. Leave the venison out front. And finally, a bonus baby clip. They put us in a pre-op room. Super nice. I did not actually. They just kind of grabbed us and they said, here, come on. And I can't remember if Astrid said something or somebody said something about, you know, hey, that lady. But I mean't remember if Astrid said something or somebody said something about, hey, that lady, but I mean, I truly see this all the time. This is probably where we were like, hey, you know,

yeah, she's given birth, she's in the right place. What do you want us to do for getting a room ready? Yep, what do you want us to do? She's here at the burning center, yeah. At the hospital. It's my son, he's sick. Yeah, you're at a hospital. It's gonna be okay. Like, people didn't even ever know in emergency room. And it's like, my husband is sitting here and he was in pain. And it's like, yeah, he's at the hospital.

Everything's gonna be fine. You came to the right place. They think it's back to this room. And the ladies like, you know, she's like, okay, I said, here you put this garb on, and then, you know, dad, you're gonna put this garb on, which is like, it's a huge blue overcoat, as if I was going into a like a Beastie place video. So it's this whole package that she puts together. And it's a big blue zip coat, right? And it covers me completely, and And it's a big blue zip coat, right? And it covers me completely.

And then there's a mask and then there's two separate head things to go across your head. Right. They're white and they're pretty heavy duty. So as I'm getting dressed and putting this on, the doctor comes in and, hey, it's gonna be good. We're gonna have a good birth. Okay, great.

And I'm trying to, yeah, a little pep talk. And I'm trying to stick this thing over my head. And I said, hey, doctor, I think I'm gonna need a bigger, you know, thing for my head. I'm gonna need a bigger covering for my head. And he says, I don't think you're gonna need a bigger covering for your head. I'm sure those are gonna fit your feet just fine.

I was trying to put the booties on my head. I hadn't put two and two together, and there was like a left one and a right one. What do I do, Doc? I stitch these together. I do not say them. Did I go for my ears? Is that what the right and the left one for?

Are they big or small? Are they mittens? Are they mittens? Oh my God. Hey guys, that's it. That's all I got for you. Thanks for tuning in to the very best of our mediocre season one, part one. We'll be back with part two next week

and season two coming in January. So stay tuned, make sure you go to at the commercial break on Instagram and follow us. You can catch all of the episodes that we recorded for video on our YouTube channel, which is available at www.tcbpodcast.com. And if you're so inclined, you can send us an email infoattcbpodcast.com.

And remember, we're going to be going live in clubhouses when we record that's the clubhouse app at tcbbrien is where you can follow me on clubhouse. Happy New Year! I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to make a little bit of the sauce. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt.

I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. I'm going to add some salt. 1. Draw the lines on the back of the head. 1. Draw the lines on the back of the head.

1. Draw the lines on the back of the head. 1. Draw the lines on the back of the head. 1. Draw the lines on the back of the head. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. you