The Cryptid Factor - #095 The Magic Bank Issue

Episode Date: June 20, 2024

This episode has the team in their usual places... that is if you can count Buttons being somewhere unusual as usual. You'll find news of hidden microphones and camouflaged cigars, Ray Jay getting busy changing the fabric of time, Magical Banks getting full of tellers, underground dino-aliens from Harvard... along with lots of family Cameos! We also cover fake thylacines and yet another Nessie hunt! Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Bobby Campbell. I'm Dane Stewart, and in the new season of my podcast, Resurrection, I tell the stories of heroes of the early AIDS movement. Like the story of a cabaret singer and a sex worker who invented safe sex and saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out resurrection wherever you listen to podcasts. The Cryptid Factor with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber. Well, cover me in wristwatches and call me the master of time as I fly by again and you have fun. I cry, what is time?

If not the essence, an essence you can't capture in a bottle, but a mood that when you hit the throttle Let's happiness come faster with us the healers of boredom the bringers of weird Shaving the truth off life's bizarre beard We're back. Wow Have you gone to using AI to write your interest cuz I was Hey, I study Reese. I think that's how they've grown so quick. Perhaps. I don't understand how you get like two minutes and you just write poems like that in that space of time.

It's a real insight into what's bubbling away on the inside. Oh, oh thank you. Yeah, it's just like whatever comes to me, you know, I don't say useless skill other than that. Other than... Come on, useless, that is not... The utilization of it. That's far from useless.

The thousands of people around the world that are waiting at the end of that incredible theme tune to hear what bollocks comes out of your mouth. That's like, it's a very important skill that the world needs at the moment. Well, I can't wait to, you know, one day if we do a live tour to come out on stage every night and do a live just off the cuff version of that straight after the theme tune. Can you imagine? Yeah, well, I am a little concerned because it was a couple of episodes ago that we put a shout out for a wealthy person to be able to fund our live show. Yeah, I've been checking the emails and the direct messages

and nothing. So if I know incredibly wealthy people want to waste their money on us, it's really, really sad. I don't think the incredibly wealthy are listening in. Why not? Why? Why? There's a reason they're incredibly wealthy.

They're actually busy earning their wealth. That's why none of us are incredibly wealthy. We're spending too much time talking bollocks. Yeah, but it's more fun. Who needs money? Yeah, we get poetry recitals. That's what I want. That's what I'm here for.

The rest of the show is dead to me. That's it. I've had my bit. Shout out to your parents, who no doubt are still listening, Dan. Yeah, well, actually, my mum's in in the house so she can probably hear me. Oh wow. Through a door. We can probably listen to her.

Yeah. Hi mum! Mum Shriver! She should come on. Listen, where are we? Because I can't help but notice that one of us looks like they're in a car. So please divulge our locations. Obviously I'm in the classic LA studio, Dan.

Back in Margate in old sunny seaside. Brilliant. Now buttons. Yeah. Caught out in a car. Please reveal. Look, I'm so dedicated to recording this podcast and rather than saying, no, I can't record the podcast. I thought I'd fit it into my very busy schedule of not making lots of money okay so I am recording that sat in the front seat of my car but I'm only doing that because I'm busy heading down to a

place called Hamilton in New Zealand which is an amazing city they call it the city of the future Tron they call it. Hamilton. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's an amazing city. It's a terrible city. I'm trying to try. I'm trying to give it a little bit of slack. Okay. And because there is an agricultural festival down there like a farmer's festival and, and I'm going to go down and maybe look at buying a new tractor or some fertilizer for my fields.

So we're getting in the way of you heading to a farming expo to look at tractors. Amazing. And you've got no headphones, you're on the side of a road, the editor is listening in, driving a car as well. Yeah, we should point out that too. And who's editing now? Not Jarvis. A new editor has been revealed. Yes. Another one of your kids. Another kid. One of the kids edited I don't know about four or five episodes then he got a

real proper job, Jarvis. I thought you're gonna say then he got arrested. Before he got arrested he got a job so that he didn't get arrested. Okay. He was handed off to whoever hasn't got a job at the moment. Or isn't arrested. Yeah. Well, it's your favourite dial. Helena is now editing.

Don't pod and drive Helena. Never pod and drive. I've nearly gone to a crash about twice now. Like father like daughter, both of you are in your cars and Buttons you're in the driver's seat. If I see the background moving I'm gonna be annoyed. Well I was thinking of driving down the road to get a pair of headphones but I'm not gonna do that I promise. Okay. Buttons! Stop the screen share! Yeah stop the screen share it's been up this whole time. The editor's not supposed to talk on the podcast! Can you hit mute? This is getting weird!

Oh yeah sorry! Sorry, bye. Oh we've got more cameos. What? Oh you missed it, your head was turned. More cameos? Are you on cameo now? Is Dan finally on cameo? I'm not on cameo though. We had a cameo Rosie just quickly Cameoed silent cameo Rosie just popped in to show me a screen on her phone that said stop screen sharing Yeah

Wow God since we've gone regular. There's a lot more involvement from the exterior we've gone regular there's a lot more involvement from the exterior family. The families are really tuning in I don't know what's happening here. We just need your mum to pop in now can you just get your mum to pop in and say good day. Listen Dan we're a little bit concerned you guys are going regular it's a bit weird so um I you know we're not quite happy with how it's all going here it's a little bit too normal. Oh good to see buttons is a car, thank God. Thank God, alright, as you were guys. The one thing that I hope you're appreciating is that my microphone stand is my hand,

and it's starting to, we're only 10 minutes in. Your weird big hand trying to stay stable with this mic. I saw that button and I immediately thought you must be in that category of special human who eventually is able to work on movie sets as the boom operator. Some ability can hold a boom for like three hours and never have to put their arms down. And I thought, oh, he's got boom arm. I've got boom arm. There's a boom arm there.

He does. No, see, I was just about to say that after 10 minutes of podcasting, I'm starting to realize this may not be a valid solution to the problem because my arm is starting to go numb and getting a little bit tingly. Oh my god. You would have held booms in the past, wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah. Back in the day. I've been a sound guy.

I've been a boom guy. Yeah. Boom man, boom arm. Boomer. Okay. You do actually have to kind of hold your arms in the right way and get the balance right. And you know how the boom, the little microphone pops into the top of shot sometimes, it's sort of a common gag. Getting the microphone as close as possible

to the mouth of the actor is almost like a drug. Because you've got your headphones on and you're listening and the closer you get, better the sound of the voice. Yeah. But you can't get into shot. There's that point where you're going to screw everything up if your microphone comes in. Yeah. But you want to get as close as you can so you're trying to sort of sneak it a little bit closer. Yeah. It's a wonder that they haven't designed booms and maybe maybe they have, that actually have camouflage on them to look like trees or branches, so that they can come in slowly and there's a branch coming into shot,

you know, with some leaves on it. You just change the camouflage all the time. Yeah. You're in an office as a stapler or something, just a stapler. A stapler? That makes no sense. At least mine was a tree.

Maybe you dress the boom. So like Reese, you must have had this in multiple movies where sometimes when the camera is filming your angle of the shot and the actor, you just see the back of their head. Yes. And sometimes they bring in a stunt person, don't they? Just sort of dressing up a boom. That's ridiculous. But yeah, that some hair and bits of back float. Yeah. That's ridiculous. But yeah, that would work. That's another option.

I have a boom as an actual character in a movie. So it's like, it actually looks like a muppet or whatever, but it's a boom mic. Got some eyes and stuff like that, and it doesn't really talk. Really good at listening. Yeah. And he's just always there. He's like his buddy.

But really, it's just the microphone. Yeah, it just the microphone. Hey guys I've got some news from Margate which is pretty exciting. So new neighbor has moved in up the road we asked them to come down and the inevitable question about what do you guys do came up and Fenella was like oh you know Dan does this podcast with his two friends where they talk about yetis and weird stuff. And she was like, Oh, I've only been here for like a couple of months, but I met this person the other day who you've got to meet. She lives up the road in Margate. Her job is she works for a bank. And I won't say which bank it is, but it's a massive bank. And she is their in-house astrologer.

No. And they listen to what she says about when they should be investing in certain places. No. Based on her reading of the stars. Yes. Are you kidding me? It's her job. No, I can't believe that.

They're having you on. It's huge. Yeah, it's a huge bank and that's her job. She's the internal astrologer. Really? That's insane. In 2024. Yeah. So I'm going to track her down and see if I can get an exclusive interview.

Yeah. I'm interested to know whether this has been something that's been a tradition, like from hundreds of years. That sounds like something they might've had when the bank first started back in the middle ages or whether this is a new thing, a new age idea. That's cool. Who else do they have in there? Like, do they have also like, you know, water diviners for doing the plumbing? Like, you know, like this, where does it end? Like what a cool bank. Yeah. Well, the bank loan person is actually a fortune teller. So when you come in and you go, look, I want a loan, the person goes, don't even come any further. OK, I saw when you walked in here, it's not going to work out.

OK, you're going to end up underneath a bridge in the next two years, unfortunately. Oh, but come on, I want a loan. No loan for you. Next. Oh yes, in you come, mate. My God, you're gonna do well. You're gonna wonder whether or not they actually put an ad out just for a teller.

They said, bank needing a teller. And a fortune teller saw it and went, oh yes, they need me, they need a job. They went in, they went through the whole job application process, and they said, you've need a job. They went in, they went through the whole job application process and they said you've got the job and they put them in front of this and I'm a fortune teller. They're like, oh no, we wanted a bank teller.

Oh no, oh well you're hired now. And then Penn and Teller come in and they go, hey, what is this, fucking magic bank? Well it is now Mr. Teller, please join. Sit over there actually next to Storyteller, that old guy down there. Good night kids, it's gotta be great today, it's a very misty old time to hear this tale. I just want some cash mate.

Oh yeah, sit down, sit down. Now it was 1842. I love this bank. Your money has disappeared! No, Mr. Teller, please! Please, I need it now! No, it's all gone, I'm afraid! What, I'm bankrupt? No, no! Have a look underneath the cushion on the Eiffel Tower second floor. What? There's cushions on the Eiffel- just go and have a look. But we're in New York! That's gonna take ages! This cushion's on the iPhone. Just go and have a look. But we're in New York. That's going to take ages.

Or you can go and see Brian. Come over here, I've got a story for you guys. Oh wow. I'm in love with this bank. Magic Bank. Magic Bank. Magic Bank. Well they're basically just looking into the future. To try and connect with the future. Like I was trying to do with trying to get the lottery numbers for the following week by sending them back to myself.

Right. So maybe it's not so much even fortune telling or astrology. Maybe it's the figured a way to be able to get information from the near future communicated back so they know what the share market is going to do in the future. But maybe what you could do then in this case is you could go into the bank completely broke and they say you've got nothing in your account. You said no, no, I want to I want to access money from my bank account in 25 years. And they look and oh, yeah, no, you're actually doing really well.

OK, yeah, so we'll we'll do with that. That's a brilliant idea. Can I please do a future withdrawal, please? Wow. This is a big idea. The bank of magic and time. And we're giving it away. We're just giving it away. We're giving it away ideas.

And by the way, all of this is going in my next book. I came up with it anyway, a lot of it. It's written down here in the intro. If you guys want to rewind, you'll see it. Cover me in wristwatches and call me the master of time. What is time? So let's move on to everyone's favorite segment. Weekly World Weird News.

Crazy. Freaky, watch out. Woohoo! What do we have? Well, I'll let you guys go first because I'm almost positive you won't have my headline. I feel so confident. Okay. Okay, I'll go first.

Yep, go for it. A man called Ray J, who was once infamous for his part in a Kim Kardashian leaked sex tape, has in a recent interview speculated that thanks to him, the entire course of humanity has been altered. Oh my God. What? That's what he's claiming? Yeah, well, he's speculating. Good speculation. I think it's really interesting as well, what he's sort of bringing to the table.

OK. There you go. We'll get to it in a bit. Well, I have just a quick story here about a UFO spotted traveling through Washington on the back of a trailer. Oh, wow. All will be revealed. Wow.

Where are you going in Hamilton? Is it a trailer? What are you going to? Is it a tractor or a trailer? It's actually on the back of my car here. Look guys. Just hold my camera up. Like there it is. The full heading is

Crazed Podcaster Caught driving to Farmer Festival with UFO on trailer. It's just a new tractor design I've got. It's a levitating tractor guys. That's all that UFOs have been all along is just levitating tractor guys that's all that UFOs have been all along is just levitating tractors these future flying tractors they may be responsible for the crop

circles as well i guess this is this could be interesting yeah and that's what UFO stands for unidentified farming object so oh my god we're learning so much and so more on that will not be revealed soon. So what do you have? Buttons? Have a look in your glove box. There might be a story in there. If I dig deep enough. Okay, so I'm so glad you didn't get my headline.

This has actually been sent to me from a cryptid knight from the Patreon. Fiona has sent this in. So shout out to Fiona. Thank you. The headline is fantastic. Just in itself. Intelligent alien dinosaurs could be hiding underground. Harvard scientists.

Suppose it's Abby Lover. Is that Abby? Oh, it's not funny enough. Not even Abby. What is happening at Harvard what's going on. That used to be like a very rational institution. The floodgates have opened. So I'll jump into my story this is a big revelation a big philosophical sort of moment in Ray J's life that he decided to disclose on a podcast called Club Shasha and this is this is something that I think is just quite an interesting thought experiment for where in your life.

You're changing the world in similar ways so. sex tape between Kim Kardashian and Ray J was filmed. He is by the way he's the brother of someone quite famous and I didn't know that despite the fact that that was such a massive story he's the younger brother of the singer and actor brandy. Oh yeah. Just so you have context of where he is in the world of Hollywood. Who's Brandy? I don't know Brandy. You have to play me a song from Brandy. You don't know Brandy?

Don't think so. Well we haven't got time to play one now Buttons. Okay we'll play one later, we'll play one at the end of the episode. Yeah. Anyway, he's a dad now, he's 43 years old and he's been thinking a lot about the impact of this sex tape which is called Kim Kardashian Superstar. That's what turned the Kardashians really into a household name. They'd already had infamously with the whole OJ Simpson case with Robert Kardashian the father being one of the lawyers yeah but not in not in a celeb way that was a kind of political understanding household

name so he just I mean it's just it's just a great thought experiment he says how different would we all be how different with this whole fucking thing be how different with the industry be there might not be any only fans and all things like that all the opportunities like that probably more people would be going to college. Yeah he thinks basically that that turned celebrity into a new place because they leaned into it and became famous and if you look at the state of the world now with social media he thinks he's a pivotal moment in our history that just. Transform the direction of where everything was going and I can't see that he's necessarily wrong. It's hard to deny it that's for sure I mean it was a corner that was turned and all of a sudden that whole celebrity thing it became accessible. Yeah. And he questions, he says, are we part of the cure or are we a part of the disease? I don't know. Oh, definitely it is a disease. And he kind of suggests that it is the disease because he says, all I know is I'm

trying to make it right. What's weird is I feel like, as I'm saying this, it sounds like I'm sort of taking the piss slightly, but I do genuinely think that like, it's pretty interesting thought that this guy has gone introspective on something that was such a landmark moment. And has seen the butterfly effect for the culture that we live in now and he's pinpointed himself as a sort of patient zero in that scenario he might be wrong there might you know there was a Paris Hilton, leaked sex tape all that there was a lot of other reality stuff that was going on but. That's going to go that way anyway that's the question isn't it that is the question yeah does anything go any which way anyway do. Big things come in that sway things to go a certain way and who's to say that those things are gonna. in that sway things to go a certain way and who's to say that those things are going to go if they don't go is there going to be another marker that comes in to make sure it happens anyway.

It's tricky. I feel like that was a riddle from the Sphinx. It is tricky and I do wonder, it makes me think about all the other turning points that may have happened that aren't anywhere near as famous or well known. Things like lawsuits or certain cases where a lawyer has known that by winning this case, it's gonna be able to allow other people to win similar cases in the future. And if that guy could time travel back now,

would he change it and not become famous and not do all of what he's done for his life would you actually turn it off that's really it is a good thought experience. It is imagine just waking up and looking around and going hang on is this all because of me like having that thoughts 20 years down the line or whatever. Yeah I think it's OK to feel as though you're part of the problem and I think that's what he probably feels like you've been involved in a wave a trend or whatever and I think we've all been part of that well. And I think that's what he probably feels like. You've been involved in a wave, a trend or whatever. And I think we've all been part of that. Well, I know I have. At some point in our life where we're responsible for a trend wave.

Don't know if I've ever been part of a wave or a trend. Well, I think you're beginning to be part of one as a self boomer, you know, holding your own mic. I think a lot of people are going to realize now from watching this on Patreon that, you know, operators shouldn't have to be out there. That actors themselves should be carrying their own mic and either dressing it up as a plant or just at least showing that they've got the biceps to hold up their own mics.

Has just like a pop plant or. Yeah, I don't want to put boom operators out of work, but. How great would any remake of like Lord of the Rings be if everyone in shot just had like some office cheese plant. Yeah, or a sword or whatever. Everyone's carrying a sock puppet. Yeah, no one is hands free at all. And if you are, you've got someone standing right next to you that's offering a sock puppet. Yeah. No one is hands-free at all. And if you are, you've got someone standing right next to you that's offering a pop plank.

Or a shield. Or a hat. Yes, I agree with what you're saying, Sire, but I'm just having this hat here ready for you to put on when you're ready after the speech. Yes. Bring it closer.

I will put that hat on very soon. But first, we must all gather together, like I said, the five armies and take on Winterland. I place the hat on. Ah, no, shut that. Actually, I'll put the hat on. Try to take that hat off. No good up there with my hair rubbing in it.

Oh, I wasn't aware you had more things to say, Sire. Yes, I do. Now, who's with me? Hooray! Woo! I don't have a hat! I can't hear you. Put a hat near that guy at the back.

It's just an extra. You could tell that if a movie's running on a budget, if a new character comes into shot and another one's leaving and they have to crowbar in, I'm out of here and you can keep my pot plant, okay? And they just walk off. Ah. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. Because I don't have headphones and I'm recording from my car and I have to turn the volume up and down all the time. I thought you said cat instead of hat.

And that cat would work as well because you know the fluffy microphone holder thing to stop the wind noise. I thought you were handing a cat around and that works as well. You can have a fake cat on a pole, which is actually a mic. And it keeps sort of coming into shot. A flying squirrel! Oh my god, there's that cat again! You should have in our flag means death just had a parrot on your shoulder.

And that could have been the hidden boom. Well I think that's what they were back in the day. That's... Okay, so let's move on to my story. Good idea. Now, this happened recently, basically, a UFO spotted on the back of a trailer traveling through in Washington. Heads were turned, as you can imagine, a couple of meters in diameter with a distinctive dome shaped hull coated in silver. First of all,

it's unmistakably a UFO. I'm going to put up, I'll do a share screen here. I'll do a share screen guys. If you don't mind there. Whoa. Cool. I'm showing you because of how ridiculous it looks so it's clearly you know like a difference definitely a flying saucer but something from like a B movie right yeah okay this is a 50s sci-fi movie. Oh I love it I want one so bad. But this is it this is why I'm showing you because this is something you can get. What? Now these are orderable. The ship was purchased from a man who makes them just off the I-90 near exit 257.

Once there you can find a 16 foot Tyrannosaurus Rex terrorizing a tree house, three huge cows in a boat and the very same spaceship. The owner of the property, Mike Ferguson, started making the UFOs by request after an admirer of his ship offered a large sum of cash, which he sold for 7,500 bucks. Not too expensive. Amazing. So there you go. I think it's like, if you've got a bit of property, even if you've got a small front

one, you could put this on it. Although I wouldn't necessarily do it if you're living in greater London or something, it would probably be sabotaged in some way. But wouldn't it be cool to have one of these massive homemade UFOs delivered and put on your property? I love it so much. It's cool. Yeah. Okay. What do you have? Well, onto the story of the week. You can't self-proclaim that your story is the story of the week. Just it was published just a couple of days ago. Intelligent alien dinosaurs could be hiding underground.

Harvard scientists. Make sure it does sound like story of the week. Guys, it's very sad. And guess what? I love that. It is something that we can. Oh, it's because of the volumes down. Right. He turns it down when he's talking, not realising that we're actually like taking the piss while he's talking or hitting off.

And then he turns it up again when he thinks that we should be talking. Little does he know we've already been talking while he's talking. Guess what? It's actually my new strategy. It's nothing to do with my headphones. It's just a way to shut you guys up so I can actually get my news out. It's a new strategy. Okay, well, this news is also incredibly relevant to us because we get to talk about this in the future

because the term that they have coined for this new study is crypto terrestrials. Oh wow. It's in our realm. Yeah, it's the cryptid factor. We get to talk about cryptozoology and now we get to talk about crypto terrestrials. So crypto terrestrials, it's the bizarre theory where intelligent beings could be hiding in

plain sight. So not so much animals like, you know, that are walking around actually things like aliens and what have you that are subterranean and the like. But the interesting thing is is is that this Harvard University Department it's called the Department of Human Flourishing So it's the human flourishing program at Harvard University It says they define aliens as intelligent beings concealed in the stealth here on earth eg underground and or its near environs, e.g. the moon.

And they said that these beings may be responsible for the UAP phenomena spotted around the world. Cryptoterrestrials fall under the many subtypes including human cryptoterrestrials who are technologically advanced human civilizations that were destroyed long ago such as by... Atlanteans. Yeah, exactly. But continued to exist in remnant form. So I guess that's talking about things like, what's it called, that place that went underwater and got lost forever? Atlantis. It already says Atlanteans. Turn already said Atlantis turn your microphone missing out on all the information from me that you need Aliens that's what I said Method of yours is failing. It's failing you badly the old volume up volume down

Try and be multitasking, multi failing. This is me multi failing guys. Unbelievable. This is definitely Harvard that we're talking about, like the Harvard. The Harvard, well maybe another Harvard, that's a good point. Well, the theory apparently it comes from a new paper by researchers from both Harvard and Montana. Technological. Oh, hang on. Montana. Is it from Montana? Yeah.

Montana. Montana or Montana. Are you going to do a pronunciation bit here? No, no, I'm going to do a Michael P. Masters bit. Michael P. Masters. I'm pretty sure is that the University of Montana.

Montana. Montana. Montana. I say Cicada, you say Cicada. You say Montana Montana I say you say you say Montana I say Montana I gotta say as soon as you mentioned the moon in that theory I thought this smells of Michael P. Major P. Masters is also a bit he neglected to mention it says according to the studies authors there is a 10% chance of this theory being true. Yeah, but 10% 10% is huge. That's a lot still. Yeah. Okay. That's pretty good. That's pretty good.

It's kind of okay. You're right though. It's like when you go to the front of a shop and you're buying a shirt and it's 10% off and you're like, that really just didn't feel like anything. That didn't knock off anything from that. So no, but this is the interesting thing right there. Conclusion, the researchers themselves called the crypto terrestrial theory unlikely but not impossible. They also wrote that they consider this theory 10 times more likely than before conducting their research but still nine times more unlikely than likely. I don't know where we are. What are your percentages here? Okay. Well, it's 10 times more likely to be true,

but can I also say nine times less likely to be worth talking about? All right. Well, I'm sorry, but I've just looked at the ball and yeah, I'm not gonna give you the loan. If you wanna go and see the storyteller down the end there. Oh please no, where do you think I got the fucking story from? I'm sorry to say, but your future bank account is actually in overdraft, so.

I know, but this theory will make everything come through for me. I know it. I just know. Michael P. Masters, go back to the back of the queue. You're in here five times a day, Michael. Can you please just, have you tried a regular bank? No, I only like the magic bank. Well, it says that the study has been accepted for publication in the Journal of Philosophy and Cosmology. And also Mad Magazine. Well, look, I actually do like the idea of, you know, a race of super intelligent, earth-dwelling humanoids.

And they're the ones that are zipping around in their little UAPs and stuff coming out of volcanoes and things. Maybe they live under the ground somewhere and stuff. But then you think to yourself, you know, that is just years and years of human imagination. The other that whether they be fairies or goblins or whatever, there's another race of you know, of beings that we don't know about that are sort of hiding in the shadows and it's kind of linking into that idea that they've been here for many many years but if they're super intelligent then why do we rule the roost and they have to hide you know it doesn't make any sense. I'll tell you why I know exactly why two words for you time was altered by one man Ray J. Ray J screwed it all up.

Oh my God, you're right. They were here. They now all have only fan accounts and they're just trying to get a few bucks by showing their reptile boobs on the OnlyFans. Wow. And that's another thing. If your volumes up at the moment, Buttons, what happened to the dinosaurs and stuff that are in your story? When do they come into play?

So there's a number of theories that they've got. One of them is- One of them is eight times more likely to be true. Although seven times less likely to be worth talking about. I'm reading here. I'm just gonna turn your volume down again. If you here. I'm just going to turn your volume down again. If you keep interrupting me, I'm going to turn your volume down. Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Dickhead, it's better off having me loud. There you go. So what have you actually got to say? I don't know where you're more distracting,

when you're quieter, when you're loud. Don't tip me down again. Don't tip me down. You'll regret this. I don't like being down here, so you're not even talking anyway. You're not even talking, Dickhead. What are you doing?

I'm not even talking. You've muted me. Ah! Guys, my arm's getting really sore. Let me read my article. We better wrap this up. We better wrap this up. So he said, it is also underground

that they suggest a new dinosaur-based species could be hiding. The research has said that it is possible for aspects of biological evolution on this planet to have been entirely lost to time. They suggest that scientists who have studied the structure of dinosaurs with larger brains argue that there is a possibility the dinosaurs could have evolved into upright reptilian like figures that they have dubbed as dinosauroid.

Oh, that's an old idea, isn't it? The dinosaur roid. Yeah, it feels like a Doctor Who episode as well. I think I've seen that. Oh yeah. Yeah, no, exactly. The Matt Smith era there was. Yeah. Yeah, that is there. So they say that the species could have migrated underground after surviving the

mass extinction event 65 million years ago and continued to have evolved and still be alive today. And maybe they're sending one of them up. To the bank. To the bank. No, Loch Ness I'm thinking. That's their scout they send up. And it goes up and it comes up and has a look around.

Yep. The humans are still doing their thing and they're still running the roost here. So we better just keep what we're doing. I'll go back down and tell the others to just keep flying about in the UAPs at the moment. Brilliant. That actually makes sense. Anyway, they have a fourth theory that the aliens are actually nymphs or fairies. You mean nymphomaniacs?

Alien dinosaur nymphomaniacs on OnlyFans. It makes sense. Raging. It makes sense, doesn't it? Alien dinosaur nymphomaniacs on OnlyFans. It makes sense. Raging. It makes sense, doesn't it? Anyway, the researchers say that the terms fairies and nymphs were created a time before rapid scientific advancement. Therefore, the individuals who may have interacted with our ancestors as magical beings, as a nymphs and fairies,

could have actually been extraterrestrials and still be on Earth today. So there you go. But of course, it's only 10 times more likely than before conducting their research, but nine times more unlikely than likely. So there you go. Yeah.

Okay. Very interesting. Very. Thank you, Harvard. I never went to university and I never cared to. Now I really want to. I think the three of us would get into Harvard now. I feel like we're the prime student that they're looking for.

Well, I might get one of those honorary degrees after doing a couple of Jumanji's. They might go. All right, well, let's move on to some crypto buzz. Yeah. Here it is. From your ghost Lanthimos, the Academy Award nominated director of Poor Things and the Favorite comes Kinds of Kindness,

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saved millions and millions and millions of lives. Go check out Resurrection, wherever you listen to podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. There it is. Attention, all personnel, it's time for this week's cryptid.

Ah, help me! Well, I'd like to open first of all with some very important news and a call back to a couple of episodes ago our crypto buzzer news then about a thylacine sighting and photographs that were commented upon by none other than forest Galante and upon by none other than Forrest Galante and we did that wonderful moment where we did a zoom screen share within a zoom screen share and really sort of broke the fourth wall. Iconic. Well it turns out you know how we were sitting there trying to work out if those thylacine photos were true or not or if they were hoaxed and we concluded that they were ten times more likely to be a hoax than not a hoax but nine times less likely to not be a hoax. It turns out they're a hoax!

Yeah, absolutely. No surprises there and you were really on to something there with your shadow talk that you talked about the images having a shadow too close to them. So yeah, hoax alert. And that's a recap! And that's a recap. And that's a recap. It's still worth bringing to attention these kinds of stories, whether they be true or not, because they're still cryptozoological news. Yeah.

Yeah, that one was a big flop, but it was still a lot of entertainment. It has to be talked about, but it does actually highlight the fact that now, given the world of AI and the ease of being able to create these images that look very believable, even experts like Rhys Darby and Forest Galante are having to pour over and try and they're starting to get very close to fooling us, right? These ones didn't, but the next one.

I will point out I wasn't fooled. No, you were. And I put a TikTok out. I stipulated if you go and watch the tick tock that it's unlikely and then when we brought it to attention on the show we also were not. When you say reset it was unlikely is this after it being 10 times more likely than it was to begin with. Yeah. What are we talking? I think definitely 10% of what I say is not worth listening to. But that is in the realm of probably for me, 10 times worth saying statement. No, you're not having a loan. I'm sorry.

I've just checked out the ball. And you can't convolute me with your dialogue go down and get yourself as a story told It is true you did right from the very start you called it the jaw on that one photo just looked too ridiculous Can I make a quick observation from just what I saw on screen a second ago which is you know here we are learning about Harvard talking about sort of reptilian overlord humans that might be walking around I couldn't help but notice in the screen for quite a while during that chat. It's as if buttons is reptilian leg. Oh my god. It's like he just let me out. That is grotesque. I say you've moved your mic as well.

You have the positioning of your mic now looks more like it's a cigar that you're sort of popping on out to the side. I know just guys said as a big fat cigar. That's another boom mic trick. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what do you think? Winston Churchill was fully mic'd all through World War II because he had to give those big speeches. He doesn't smoke cigars. There was always a massive microphone that went straight to the BBC. Straight to the BBC. Is this thing on? Alright.

Are you sure that's close enough? Is that better? Okay. We will... I've got to make out like I'm smoking it, right? We will fight them on the beaches! Take a puff of it. We will never surrender! A little bit further away from the mouth. We will never surrender! That bit further away from the mouth

Funny thing is is that he's doing that directly into a microphone, but the microphones a dummy He takes a few puffs occasionally from the mic. It's the real 1940s vape machine. It's ridiculous. Anyway, what other crypto buzzer news are we going to... Oh look, I've got a bit of a nightmare situation here, which I'm a bit depressed about, which is I had my news stories up here on Mysterious Universe, which I've been plundering of course entire. Of course. Seven or so years I've been with you guys well look at this I just went into click into my story and I've been met by article limit reached.

I am no longer. It's only taken seven years. So I can't read my story. I can't read my story it was a big cat story in the UK where a professor of a university had taken a swab from a dead animal and. The DNA had come back to show that it was definitely related to a big cat so there has to be a big cat out there the question is and it was from a sheep I think the question he had was it wouldn't be just one sheep if it was a big cat out there it would be eating flocks of sheep it's hungry and it's big so why just one sheep but can't deny that the swab returned what it did. Which is in the family of panther of cheetah of. Pantera. Yeah exactly anyway I'd have more but unfortunately I've now officially been locked out from my only news source.

And that's a recap! Oh that's a recap! No but you know what this is a real shame thanks for everything Dan but it's um time for you to move on now same thing happened to David Farrier back in the day he hit his mysterious universe limit and we had to let him go. That's why Reece and I don't use mysterious universe for news because you know know, we know that's going to extend our longevity. So thanks for everything. And Stephen Fry will be with us next week. It's been great.

Good luck to the next generic glasses wearing brown hair guy. Who did you say we had lined up? Stephen Fry. He doesn't even wear glasses. No he does now. He's just at the optometrist right now getting his eyes fucked up a little bit so that he has to wear glasses. Oh okay.

I mean that's a hell of a replacement. I know, I know. Wow we're working our way up aren't we? Alright well that's a bit of fun and a bit of unfortunate-ness there too. But you're not going to believe this, guys. Hundreds have descended on Loch Ness for the largest ever monster hunt. What? Again? This has already happened. I know. And this has just happened, but it's also happened recently.

So I thought, well, hang on, how old is this article? But this came out June 6th. So it's happened again. Crowds of Nessie hunters have tried their luck recently again, as the record breaking Loch Ness Monster hunt got underway. Now, doesn't the sound familiar to you? Very familiar. Didn't this happen not so long ago?

Yeah. Yeah. In fact, it did last year. Last year we saw this happen again, but for the first time was the big Loch Ness Monster Hunt the biggest one in 50 years. Remember an endeavor which involved hundreds of volunteers as well as the use of dozens of webcams camera equipped drones and they managed to pick up. You know a few unexplained sounds but really nothing much more than that remember it was a bit of a drop it was a bit of a. For so many that turned up not much conclusive evidence came through then. Who should actually discover nessie by proxy of the headlines which were in small bracket and you know not really.

bracket, you know, not really to be believed. Sorry, I didn't hear you then. I turned my volume down. It sounded like he didn't say anything just then. It was really weird. If we can just get that whole bit edited out, please, Helena. No! We, the cryptid factor and the photography of Chi Kelly, really seems to have ignited this latest hunt. Really? Yeah.

No! Because it just happened again. Yeah. So while the search ultimately failed last year to find anything conclusive, the Loch Ness Monster Center decided to organize a second, even larger attempt for this year wow. What is the ninetieth year isn't it always it I believe so I think it was nineteen thirty four that the first ever. Am I right and say it says here that this hunt is supposedly ten times more popular than last year's one. Last year's one but only nine times more legitimately able to happen only 10% of the actual people turned up.

Yeah so 1934 was the moment that the surgeons photo was published they were in 1933 there were a bunch of different sightings but 34 obviously is the the iconic moment so 90 years of surgeons photo they might be tying in with. Right I guess that would make sense so it kicked off on May 30th this year and hundreds of people once again descended upon the area. Alastair Matheson who runs a cruise vessel named deep scan a boat which I have been on myself, deployed a 60-foot hydrophone, which is basically the mic that they drop down into the depths of the water in order to listen for any unusual sounds that may come from the depths. Intriguingly, he picked up a very strange rhythmic pulsing that nobody has been able to identify. The big question is, is did they disguise the big water microphone as Nessie? Because that may have then caused a whole bunch of sightings.

Can't just go out there with just a normal microphone. No, they disguised it definitely not as Nessie, because Nessie won't come up to Nessie, because Nessie is the only Nessie. They disguised it as, I guess, like something that Nessie would want to go near. So they disguised it as I guess like something that Nessie would want to go near so they disguised it as a newspaper with the headline Reese Darby discovers Nessie so they dropped that down so there this rhythmic pulsing which I have a

recording of here if you guys want to hear it this is what they found Oh yes please Oh yes please! Wow! What was the lyric? Who's a Nazi? Wow. What was the lyric? Who's a Nazi? What was it? Nessie! The latest remix from Nessie. Who's a Nazi?

Do you know whilst you're doing your rhythmic pulsing, that's the first time the whole podcast where I've actually turned the volume up. I was like, oh, this is good. I can raise the volume here. I saw your head bobbing. I saw you take a few puffs on your mic cigar, too It's funny that actually sounds very much like my only fans account when I've got my Reptilian legs out. That's how there's a very similar That I make it's really weird Set up an only. You got cameo. You need a...

The fans are crying out for the next buttons move. Can we please have some more of that rhythmic pulsing please, buttons? That's what they ask for. Hey, I found this just yesterday, so I might as well say it. I found out that the British Navy owns a submarine. That can stay entirely submerged for 25 years what wow and it doesn't need to come up however it does usually come back up every three months or so to stock up on sausages. All the stuff it could do 25 years but it is usually back up once in a while just for more sausages. I think there's other stuff but like sausages are like the big bulk restock. Well you know why because that doesn't come up fully it only comes up to the periscope comes up out of the water and there's a little latch inside the periscope and they just can put sausages down. That's sausage hole!

Sausage hole! You've just said something that actually existed. Are you relating this to the coffin thing, Rees? Do you know about that? No. Back in the day, there was this whole thing about worry about whether or not someone was really dead when they were inside a coffin. about worry about whether or not someone was really dead when they're inside a coffin and so they did things in cemeteries in the first few weeks whenever someone was buried to make sure that if they suddenly woke up. Alive but buried six feet under in the coffin they could do something about it so one of the things was there was a bell to ring that you would pull inside the coffin and it would alert whoever was on top I'm alive I'm in here and the second thing was then they would come over go he's alive and they would open up the top of a tube which was a sausage tube to drop sausages down to you so you could feed yourself while you were waiting to be unburied basically that's a thing.

That's amazing. Yeah. You know what? They could, there's probably somebody still alive 25 years later, buried underground. Somebody's just going and feeding them sausages every day. It's like. They'll need another tube at the arse end of the coffin for some other sausage sized things that need to go out the other end. It's the circle of life.

It is. Sausages and pools and tubes, that is what we are underneath the ground for you. Please try life. And that's the ad we're putting through to the super intelligent crypto extraterrestrials that are living on this planet. No I'm sorry the The loan is not approved go down and get another story. That is bollocks It's really foolish of the British Navy to release that information because it's going to be very easy to be able to capture that submarine in the future, just float a whole bunch of sausages on the surface of the water. I'm not going to be able to hold it, it goes, guys, there's sausage, there's a trap.

I can tell those sausages it shouldn't just be floating on the surface. But what if it's not, sir? Let's go see. Yeah. And also, you don't think the enemy are designing grenades that are disguised as sausages? Here we are, chiseling your sausages. These are very nice. Yum, yum, yum.

Don't worry about the fuels. Psh. Oh, that's OK. It's all right. It's a boom mic. It's all good. Ha, ha, ha, ha. It's all right. It's a boom mic. It's all good. They're listening to us. Someone shoved a bloody boom mic down the tube, Dave.

Yeah, well don't talk too close to that one. They're going to get our ideas. So, the excitement of the weekend has proven the intrigue surrounding Loch Ness and its monster is still very alive. Yay! Has it what? Thanks to us as well. I'd like to think that we helped to instigate more search and it's just cool that, you know, this is one of the most famous cryptids of all time and it keeps getting reignited, the interest and the fun with it.

So it's very, very cool. Well also, I mean, you know, very recently you did some stuff which we can't necessarily say what it is Reece but you did some stuff as a result of the Loch Ness finding and buttons you were interviewed by Chi who was asked to write an article about it for what sounds like an incredible magazine in Japan called Moo which is like an occult magazine that deals in cryptozoology and paranormal see you know that sort of stuff so you know this is still giving. I'm yet to be asked to do anything but. Yeah and you're the one that instigated the beginning of it all. Yeah and you're the one that instigated the beginning of it all. I'm just I'm happy for you guys that's all that's important.

This is my last episode anyway whatever the guys feelings about it are you can deal with that. You should see what we've got lined up for Stephen Fry. All right well that's pretty much us this week I think we should wrap it up there. Can I do a quick notice board. Oh yeah let's play the thing. Here we go. Notice board! Did you notice it? No I got bored.

Notice board! Super exciting thing. I just picked up this today. It's my kids book. Oh look at that! The physical book. It's real now. That's exciting. It's really beautiful and it's out July 18th for anyone who's in the UK so it was just a proud moment today picking this up. Tell us what it's called Dan. It's called impossible things unbelievable answers to the world's weirdest questions it's a bit of a misleading subtitle because I only answered 10 questions and they're not particularly.

Ones that you might ask in regular life you know right. Nine of them are not too sure whether they are even questions. Is it safe to say 10% of that book is not worth reading, Tim times the amount of people will tell you it's brilliant. No, there's some, there's some good questions in here. Like can imaginary friends come to life? I think that's a really interesting question because there's a whole thing of to by those and people who've experienced fictional characters that seem to have come to life. You know what I know the answer to that question imagine friends can come to life because I only ever imagined as awesome of friends as you two and they came to life. That's lovely.

That's his egotistical way of saying he invented our reality. But that's not July 18th but the second thing is over in the states the paperback of theory of everything else has just come out yesterday is yes very excited about that. Has it got the same US cover on it does but like a few you know extra quotes from New York Times and you know just little publications praising it what I noticed I didn't get asked to do a quote on it that's cool you did you didn't give me one. What is too late I see it through a dozen quotes did any of those make and I was very excited to discover that currently in popular social psychology and interactions the theory of everything else is ranking 666. The number of the beast. Yeah my little. That is freaky. This notice board reminds me something that I wanted to actually raise at the top! Spooky. Yeah, my little occult. That is freaky.

This notice board reminds me of something that I wanted to actually raise at the top. Oh yeah. A little awkward situation that happened to me this week, Dan. You know TEDx, the talks, the big intellectual talks that they do. I knew the guy who started TEDx in Auckland, wonderful guy, he contacted me the other day and said, hey, can we have a coffee? I'm like, this is so cool. He's going to ask me to maybe do a Ted talk after an hour or so of small talk.

He finally came out and said, I see that guy Dan Shriver is coming to New Zealand around November, just wondering if you wouldn't mind connecting me with him so he could do a Ted talk about his books and about he's so awesome. Oh wow. He's so fully using me to get to you. Oh yeah, well no, yeah. Welcome to my life. Yes, exactly.

For years people have been trying to get to the concords through me. It's just the way it goes mate. Oh right. Not so much these days, but back in the just said we have to keep putting the phone down. No you contact them and they won't reply okay you can't come through me so that's what you do. Oh right yeah well I did I kicked the mouse right away. Oh good yeah. I will not ask him.

Yeah I hope you pulled your cigar or your pot plant away from him too. Get that guys volume down as quick as you can. Wait a second is it because of my connection with QI and me knowing Stephen Fry that I'm here on the show at all? Is this a long game? Are you finally asking me to ask him? You can have my assistant, he said, for a couple of years, and then by then I'll work out whether the podcast's worth doing. So, uh, it's been great having you Dan, but he has sent us an email saying he's accepting the position. No I've just seen a new message from him

oh he's unfortunately to do QI he's been using mysterious universe website to get all of his information and he just got to his last article as well. What a fool. Yeah he could have had it he could have had it all he could have been on the cryptic back then. Alright well I'm actually paying for a new subscription for you now Dan for mysterious universe to get you back into the fold oh wow okay I'll chuck that on my titanium credit card there we go and that gives you another thousand articles so we look forward to seeing you again next week. Daniel back in the team.

Woohoo. Yay. Woo. Actually, Rosie, can you just check, make sure Stephen Fry is definitely in there? Mum, they said I can stay. Mum. Oh, thank god, dear.

Look, your father's down at the bloody magic bank. He's been there all bloody day. I don't think it's going to come through for him. Can you go find him he said he wants to buy a new tractor there's a really good Kubota deal on at the moment down in the field days it's part of the unidentified flying equipment all right guys get this one to print and I'll see you on the other side. Honour, that's your catchphrase Dan, sorry I've been listening to your bloody show too

often. Stay weird. Sorry what was that? I missed it, I just turned my volume down. Bye everybody, it's been great. See you next week, bye! Bye! The End. Who's a nasty? you