The Cryptid Factor - #097 The Name Song Issue

Episode Date: July 16, 2024

This episode is for all the aliens and wave-chasing, space-travelling future Cryptid Knights out there! In here Dan has Druid news for Buttons and at last Rhys gets his very own (and very noisey) museum piece. There's news of a time-travelling Simpson, an elaborate intestine restaurant ruse, and a freaky human skinned robot face. There's also fish gazing at stars and alligators missing and found... oh, and some lovely sing-songs to remember peoples names by. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Tim Horton's Camp Day is Wednesday, July 17th. When you buy a hotter iced coffee, 100% of proceeds help change the lives of youth in need. See you at Tim's July 17th. And don't forget to upsize your coffee for a bigger donation at participating restaurants in Canada. The Cryptid Factor with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber! Well, spruce me, goose me and set me loose me as the captain of this ship continues on a regular quest with his cohorts of mirth. This is the greatest thing they've done since birth.

So grab your cans and pull the strings tight. Oh yes, my knights, we're back. All right. Yeah. To be quite honest, I was sitting there waiting for mirth and then the inevitable rhyming girth. I just was waiting for it and it didn't come. You wanted a bit of girth. What did we have? We had spruce, goose, and then what was the third one? Loose.

Let me loose. Let me loose. Yeah. Spruce me, goose me, and let me loose me. Let me loose. Let me loose. Spruce me, goose me and let me loose me. Let me loose me! I'm proud of that one actually. Let me loose me. It's like an adventure version of U2's Hold Me, Kill Me, Kiss Me, Thrill Me.

You know the Batman song? The old Batman soundtrack? Spruce me, goose me and let me loose me. That's just getting ready to me loose me. That's just getting ready to moose me then that didn't happen as well. It's like forget it. I like to give you what you don't expect. And if you did get moose, you wouldn't know about it anyway. You'd never see it. I've been moose.

How are you guys? Well, good. Good to be regular. Yes. Yeah. We're only four episodes away from one hundred. Wow, that's exciting. I can't wait to see what we're going to do for that.

Yeah. It's taken so long to get here, guys. I think there's a hundred episodes missing somewhere, isn't there? There must be, right? Because somehow I'm over a hundred episodes on Weirdos, and that feels like that only started two months ago. But that's the mystery of the cryptid factor. There's definitely like there's lost tapes. This is what we wanted to happen is that there are episodes that you cannot find someone will have them. They'll be somewhere will track them down from a radio station or some file that Faria might have

or one of Leon's many computers, I don't know. But one day, those early EPs might arrive at some point. I do have a theory on this. I do have a theory on how we will be able to hear those last episodes. Oh, I know what you're gonna say. What? Can I try and guess it?

Is this a quiz? It is now, okay? Oh, here's what well you guys did your early episodes on the radio, right? Yes Yes, your episodes are currently flying through space Universe and buttons is gonna one day Capture them. Yeah universe. That's how we'll find them. Oh my god. Really? That's it. Yeah. I have a theory that if you go faster than the speed of the radio waves

that were broadcasting them, they would have leaked out into space. So if you go all the way out and catch up to them and overtake them and then park yourself there and tune into 95 BFM, then you're gonna be able to sit there and listen to every Saturday morning to The Cryptid Factor from back in time. What if aliens pick up our broadcasts from way out in space? It's the first thing they hear about human life

is they accidentally tune in to this dial. It's The Cryptid factor! And they listen to idiots talking about crazy stuff on their planet. No wonder no one's visited! They probably have heard us and have turned around! They've gone, we're not going to that planet, it is too weird. Look, listen to their main news program that they play. What is this course? I didn't see the wuss. Did you see the wuss? No. It's an exciting thought. The great thing about that is the fast forward and rewind button on the radio will effectively be the spaceship going really fast and forward or really fast backwards. Like if you want to rewind

you go, oh I missed a bit and the spaceship effectively goes racing forward to get ahead of it again. Right. But also the other option is that because you broadcast once a week every Saturday right? Yeah. You have to get in front of the very first episode that you did park yourself listen to it but if you want to binge Cryptid Factor you've got to fly back towards Earth at the right speed rate and capture next Saturday. And you binge the Saturdays by flying back to Earth and parking at the exact right spot. Wow, that sounds very convoluted. I can't believe the aliens are doing this. But good on them. But the great thing is future humans future kryptonites are

doing this right now. That's going to be a special feature in the future on the Patreon, giving people the exact positions in space to go and listen to the past episodes. They're doing it right now in the future. Amazing listening to the historical 2008, 2009 seasons. Wow. Imagine they're on the wrong Patreon tier. So imagine a bonus episode just has to fly past them. They can't get access to it.

They're not paying enough. Well, they should pay an extra $5. If they paid the extra $5, they'd be able to hear that. I just want to know where we are in this scenario and how much money we have. Are we on some planet, just the three of us, just like surrounded with all our coin looking out and watching the ebbed listeners from past and present timewaves. It's a great thought experiment. Like if you go to a museum here, there's a guy called Cheddar Man, who is the oldest example of a surviving human in the UK that they found.

And all he did was just die in a spot that kind of preserved him in mud or something. And I actually don't know his story, but you know those examples of humans that we found that now sit in museums. He could never have known what his future was, that, you know, hundreds of thousands thousands of years later he would be a prime example of an old human it's the same with these episodes who knows they're in space they are in space and what is gonna happen. Are a million years from now they're gonna be found by some different civilization who you're gonna be listening to these words right now possibly Wow possibly that's insane. That's so cool. Isn't that insane? That's crazy Yeah, well, no, but this is the problem with the internet now the good old days of radio broadcasting It was emanating out into the universe now these Internet it doesn't broadcast anymore. So what we need to do is actually set up a transmitter where we're just Broadcasting to a yeah up a transmitter where we're just broadcasting to aliens. Yeah.

Nobody else. Okay. Well, maybe we should try send this specific episode out to space. Okay. This can be the episode. That's brilliant. Okay. That'd be good.

Yeah. And then for episode 100, the people will be out there going, why did they send episode 96? Why not 100? Because that's very cryptid factor. Yeah. It is. Well, here's very cryptic factor. Well, here's something for the aliens. I just got home to find a letter in the post. I thought I would read out because it's some breaking news. Here we go.

And once you've done that, I have something exciting too. I guess why? I have something really boring! Oh. If the aliens are struggling to go to sleep, I've got something tedious. Oh that's good. Okay. We can put that at the end. Yeah!

Alright, here we go. Okay. Letter received in the post just today. It reads, Dear Leon. What?! What?! Why am I getting a letter to Leon?

What?! I am pleased to inform you that the committee of the TSD Social Club, No! No! The Druid Society has approved your application for membership at the meeting last evening. I can't believe it. I'm a druid! I'm a druid, guys! This is so unfair.

You guys get to be druids. You got your own special little druid gang. What about me? You gotta come to Morgate. We'll take you for a night out at Druid Club. I did your goddamn weirdos podcast. You haven't. And you didn't even broadcast the podcast.

I'm saving it for space. It's for the aliens. Okay. Yeah, so if you would like to attend the club! I'm saving it for space, it's for the aliens. Okay. Yeah, so if you would like to attend the club and present this letter to the secretary, Mr D. Gear, or the bar staff, they will issue you a membership card for the rest of 2024

on payment of £10. Oh, it's worth it. Oh, you have to go and do that for us. Yeah, I'm gonna have to pretend to be buttons, cause I'm ready. No, I'm gonna do it myself. Alright, well you need to come back then. Yeah. At least you come over too.

Well, perhaps this is what we do for the 100th episode. Oh, yes! We do the live show from the Margate Druid Society. Come on. That would be incredible. Yes. Easy for Dan, a little bit more difficult for the others that have to travel the other side of the world. But Dan's like, I think that's the best idea

out of all the ideas we've had so far. I love that one. You know, druids, druids, huh? Well, that's fantastic. Well, if we go back to doing an episode once every three or four months, that means we can organise the 100th episode for later in 2025,

give us enough time to save up and get over this. Or, you know what we're going to end up doing? We're going to end up doing is we're going to get to 99 and then we're going to skip 100. We're going to save it. Great idea. I know us. That's so great.

But congratulations, buttons on your Druid acceptance. That's amazing. I'm so excited. The aliens have heard of the concept of druids. That's even more exciting. Yeah, that's now made it into space. This will be the one. Yeah.

And the great thing is, is that you and I, Dan, we can start doing little druid society meetups and talk about. Oh, shut up. Oh, shut up. You're not doing little catch up with your druid bullshit. I'm sorry. If I hear about it, I'll be stopping it. Now moving on to my news this is even bigger than that lowercase news that you had there with the

druid stuff. Who was the third member of the group that didn't have anything for the Cryptid Factor Museum? Oh! Moi! Yes! Mr Darby!. Forgive my French, but that means me. Yes, so I have rectified that. What? I have rectified it because I needed to get something for the museum, so I have got myself something. And what's something that we talked about last week that was quite horrific and exciting and weird

that Dan brought up? What did I bring up? It was a terrifying sound. Oh, yes. It was an Aztec death whistle. Yes, death whistle. I am proud to announce that I have recently just been to Mexico and I have managed to find an Aztec death whistle. No, are you kidding me? So I'm gonna do the reveal and then I'm going to pull it out and then I'm gonna blow it. And hopefully I don't blow it, but I'm gonna blow it. Right, here we go. Put some revealing music on. Okay, here comes the revealing music. Quite freaky guys, so just be careful. Okay.

Oh, oh, oh, whoa. Whoa! Holy, oh my God, that's terrifying. Wow. That's just the look of it. That is incredible. Look at that. What?

That is beautiful. It's scarily, terrifyingly beautiful. I know. For those at home, it is like a skull, like a little porcelain skull, but with a very colorful floral headdress on. And it's about the size of a hand like Reese can put it like a bowling ball almost in his hand. That's a tiny bowling ball. A bowling ball was the wrong.

Imagine a tennis ball and a bowling ball in between. Here we go. I'm going to blow it now. This is the inaugural blow of the terrifying, authentic Aztec death whistle. Hang on, hang on, before you do, are we sure we want to do this? Is one of us going to die if you blow this whistle? It's the last person who speaks before the blower is the person who dies. speaks before the blower is the person who dies. He's being silent, but it's too late. He's already spoken.

You spoke! And it's not me because I'm the blower. Oh, you're the blower! I'm the blower! Hey, Dan! Hey, Dan, what's that picture behind you over there? What's that such a cool picture behind you? What is that one?

The wrestlers. OK, now here's the blow. What? No, hang on. Wait? Okay, now here's the blow! What no, hang on. Wait, wait, wait, no, no! You've got your noise cancellation on there so I didn't hear it. Oh, have I? Buttons, does that count as a blow?

No, luckily for you, if you don't hear the whistle because of Zoom audio cancellation, you're fine. The curse doesn't work on you. So there's a beautiful image of Reese. It looks like he's got some ancient vape machine and just doing a massive inhale of a vape. Yeah, that looks like a bong. That looks like a really intricate bong.

Those are the last blows I'm allowed to do because my wife Rosie said I'm never to use it. Oh! If she hears it, she will conch-fuscated. Lovely. No, it's... Did you get it? I got it. Yeah. No. What? Conch-fuscated. I didn't miss the joke.

Conch-fuscated. Yeah. Like a conch? Conch-fuscated. Oh, conch. Conch. Conchfuscated. Oh, conchfuscated. Yeah. That's exactly what I said. That's the joke I meant to make. Okay.

So there's the latest museum item. Yeah. Well, our museum is now across three continents, which is exciting. We've got the ability to be able to have a death whistle be screamed out from LA. We've got a backpack that we can go on expeditions with. And Dan, of course, you've got a... What did you have? Like a can of soft drink? No!

The same font as a... He had the world's first cryptid footprint. That was my bonus item. Right, the bonus item. That's right. What did you have, Dan? a can of soft drink or something? I mean, my Druid brother, my Druid brother, he's weird. We'll get together anyway. We have a bit of a laugh, but he's into soft drink and shit.

Had the same font as a book. You know, I think that's the most exciting museum exhibition that you've got. It was really exciting. I had some ancient footprints. I'll take my 245 million year old extinct dinosaur somewhere else, mate. I'll bring it to another museum. No, no, don't do it.

You can have the soft drink. It's the wrong thing. Well, let's go into everyone's favorite segment. It's Weekly World Weird News. Crazy. Freaky. Watch out. All right, what have we got this week, Chaps?

I felt it was quite light on the news front. I'm finding quite a lot, to be honest. I'm in one of those modes where I feel like I need to read out each of my headlines in two minutes. Oh, that's good, that's very good. Why don't you go first and we'll choose a headline. We could do Pick a path with headlines on yours. Okay, this is exciting.

First one is Man Assembles Mr. Potato Head in Record Breaking 5.15 Seconds. Next. Next. Aliens are hearing this, mate. You bring that to the table. This is the big episode for the space people. No, no, no, no, no.

It gets better from there, guys. Winner of World's Ugliest Dog Contest Announced. Yeah. Next. Next. Come on, guys. This is some of my best stuff. from there guys winner of world's ugliest dog contest announced yeah next next come on guys this is some of my best stuff oh now this one is actually really quite next level this will be the one time travel proof as marge simpson spotted in the 3000 year old ancient coffin yep thank you accepted is that better yep That's the one. Well, Reese, because you don't have any news, I'll see you the world's ugliest one. No, no, I do have news.

Oh, good, good, good. What's your headline? So my headline is creepy humanoid robot with a face made out of living skin tissue is created by researchers in Japan. Oh, that's disgusting. That sounds a little bit like the silence of the lambs. Mm hmm. Oh, I haven't read the article yet. So we'll go into that once we dive in. It is freaky, though.

Have a look on the message board. I've just shot you a link to World's Ugliest Dog article, just in case. Just in case. If you do. That happens every year, the old ugly dog. I mean, yeah, but this one was one by one that keeps coming second all the time. And finally won the ugliest dog. So it's quite cute.

Oh, that's nice. Anyway, but we won't cover that story. We won't cover that story. That's good for him. Okay, Dan, what have you got then? Man sneezes his intestines out of his body at restaurants. Oh my God, that is disgusting. If you just look in the message board, I've just forwarded you a link to Mr.

Potato Head being built in record time, just in case. Justin, just as backup. Thank you, buddy. Thank you. Good to know that's there Okay, we've got some good backups, but it sounds like we've got a couple of fairly spooky freaky Possibly gross scenarios, but I'm intrigued about the historical nature of your coffin fine. Yeah buttons Let's dive into that. It's super exciting You know the Simpsons they are very well known for

predicting future events, everything from, you know, Trump being elected as president and there's so many, it's actually terrifyingly scary. I think probably an example of lazy code to be quite frank. But now it has been reversed and linked backwards. And some people even saying an example of my favorite theory of time traveling humans going back into ancient history and seeding a little bit of a gag. Because archaeologists have just unearthed a 3000 year old Egyptian sarcophagus, which bears a startling resemblance to Marge Simpson on the front of it. Marge Simpson's classic identifier is that huge big coiff of blue hair. Beehive hairdo.

That's right. Yeah. So if I just quickly share screen, I'm just going to show you and you at home watching this can Google time traveling Marge Simpson. And here it is. You got to admit it is basically a picture of a woman standing up with her hands above her head. She is wearing like a one piece suit, which is a little bit of a classic Marge Simpson kind of attire and it's blue and a massive big blue, tall hairdo.

Yeah. Yeah. And her skin has a sort of yellowish pigment to represent the skin color as well. What I like about it is that it's not too obvious. So it's kind of like, if it was too much like, clearly Marge Simpson with the big eyes or whatever, you'd be, it's gotta be a joke, but it's not.

It's very real and you can definitely see the Marge Simpson aspects to it. Yeah, yeah, totally. It said that the sarcophagus hails from the new kingdom 20th dynasty, circa 1186 to 1096 BC, representing the goddess Nut as an N-U-T. Okay. Which is a great name for somebody who resembles Marge Simpson. Hey guys, you gotta go see goddess Nut.

Her hairdo, man, crazy. It's like a cartoon character. I love Nut. Yeah, she's so funny. She is pretty hilarious. And it's actually blue, isn't it? Yeah. Can we talk about what that would be? Would that be a headdress of some sort? Because not her hair, is it? No, that looks like a tall hat, a crown-like hat to me. Yeah. Does it say buttons in it? No, it doesn't. They just

suggest that it's her hair. But of course, blue hair wasn't a a common thing. But I don't know how you would dye your hair blue back then. So it must be some kind of headdress. But then again, other people say that Matt growing, uh, the creator of the Simpsons has some kind of telekinetic communication with both the future and the past and that has amazing brain for creating this epic cartoon series, which has now gone on for decades and will no doubt go well into the future, becomes so incredibly immense and so intertwined with humanity, the combined conscious of everybody thinking and knowing about The Simpsons is the ability to broadcast the characters

into the future, i.e. predicting things like Trump and what have you, but also into the past. People in the past can pick up on this thing because if time is non-linear and is the thing called block time, then there's ability to intersect and yada, yada, yada. And so people are getting really quite scientific and quite deep on it. Other people are just saying that's a coincidence. The things that the Simpsons have predicted is crazy. There's also the 9-11 attacks they predicted, COVID-19 they even predicted as well. So yeah, that's quite terrific. Wow. And you're not aware of all the Simpsons predictions, Dan? I've heard of it, but I haven't, no.

Like I've heard those sentences like Trump and COVID-19, but I don't know anything about the detail of how it was predicted. I think there's like a lot. Yeah. You only need to jump on TikTok and you'll find there's about 25, 25. Yeah, yeah.

Predictions that they've made that have come true. Wow. It's very freaky and they've definitely sown themselves into human DNA. Because as you say now with this block time theory and the fact that it goes back now goes back to ancient Egypt and there's there's March Simpson right there. Yeah, that's I mean, maybe when this is all over, we figure out that we were Simpsons the entire time. Oh, yeah.

There's everything from virtual reality, goggles, making a comeback. There's incredible sports moments. There's Super Bowl predictions. Yeah, I've got a big list here. Ebola outbreak. Wow. Barbie mania. Donald Trump being arrested.

Really? Robots as librarians. Donut shaped universe, which is a thing. Oh yeah, right. Yeah. It's quite freaky. Yeah, but there's also things like in 1995, Lisa's wedding, the fortune teller transports Lisa to 2010 when she's talking to Marge, her mom obviously via a video phone. And then in 2010, FaceTime was, I mean, most of them are probably easily pretty.

I mean, they had video watches on, uh, what's his name? Here's George Jetson, the Jetson. What's it called again? George Jetson. Oh yeah. The Jetson. Oh yeah the Jetsons. You should make up theme tunes for people's families so you can remember them now. Mind if I just write a song about you guys? My friend Reese. Do you do that already? Hang on let me just work out what your name is. I had a friend called Reese and he was...

Oh yeah, Reese! Oh hey, Reese, how's it going? Oh, you're with the other guy that I really like as well. Hang on, what's this song again? I was fishing with my old mate Dan and we... Oh yes, Dan! Dan, good to catch up with you guys again. Having you guys wondered why I'm always wearing headphones? It's just I'm

listening to all these little songs just to remind myself. Before you go to bed at night you just record a whole bunch of theme songs. You hop into bed and you just play Michelle by the Beatles presumably. Yeah every night. That is so close to the truth, it's terrifying. Okay, well that is very cool. Yeah. I love it. It's freaky. So we had to watch out for that one. And here's another one you're going to have to watch out for because,

you know, with me with robot news and stuff like that, I love keeping up to speed with what's happening in the metal humanoid realm. And so this really freaked me out when I basically first of all saw the picture, the skin that they're gonna put on robots. Because of course, you know, making humanoid robots is one thing and we know they're coming.

There's like six different companies that are doing humanoid robots to be used in the home and factories and stuff. You know, they're gonna become more a part of our life in the next few years, that's for sure. But you never think that they're gonna take the next step and then actually try and make them look like humans. You hope that they're not,

because that's when you walk into the replicant kind of Blade Runner realm, whereby you're looking at something and you're not sure whether it's, and that's really freaky. And I hope we're not gonna go there there but it looks like we could be because you know in Japan they're sussing it out. Experts from the University of Tokyo have created a robot face out of lab grown human skin. Yeah I'm sorry guys so I've got some video to show you here creepy video

shows the bizarre pink creation attempting a cheesy smile so according to the scientists robots with real skin not only have an increasingly lifelike appearance but could heal themselves if damaged. Oh my god that's right up there with, oh I can't get the word Titanic out of my head but Terminator starts with T there you go. Who's my friend? The robot guy, he's not on a ship, he's the Terminator. There it is Terminator. You've got the same song as me for Terminator! That's so cool! I know, and I don't know why I'm thinking of Titanic and so I stupidly put in the lyrics He's not on a ship. I think that's trying to help me but I keep thinking of that ship lyric

and it's badly written really. My Titanic song which is unfortunately just as bad it's like I met a giant boat which wasn't a robot it's Titanic Titanic and so I really gotta change those. You really do. All these songs in your head. I don't know why now I'm the fucking guy who has to write the songs to remember the shit. How did you put that on me? Sneaky sneaky. Very sneaky one there. Okay so show us this robot. Have you got the video? Yeah let's see it.

Oh yeah yeah sure. Okay well let's have a look. Let's share screen as we share. I don't know that I want to see this. I'm excited. I'm kind of worried where humanity is going. Well you need to host disabled Participant screen sharing. Yeah, I don't want to see it. That's why.

No screen sharing for you, Mr Bond. Come on, you've got to share the screen. Oh, screen. Alright, so look at that. Oh, that's not it, surely. No, that's not it. Here it is here. Oh, that's even worse! surely. No, that's not it. Here it is here. Oh, that's even worse. That looks incredible.

What is that? Oh my god. Guys, log in your heads that face that we're looking at right now, the pink face. Just log it. Remember it. Yeah, it's logged. Yeah.

OK, great. It's never leaving my brain. So Reese's just opened up a screen which shows one row body kind of looking face was sort of like a skin across it on the left, but on the right, there's clearly the skin growing around the two eyes and a Petri dish. And it is literally a pink blob. You can see faintly a smile coming through the pink blob and faintly a nose, but these two piercing green eyes coming

through it. So it effectively looks like some kind of terrible nightmare ghost. It's horrible. It's amazing. It's like from a horror movie. Yeah, it's amazing. Well, they've got a video of that horrific smiley robot human skin face. They've made it so that it can smile. Like the pink blob? Yeah, the pink blob is going to smile.

Okay, here we go. Gross! It's amazing! The team put the skin onto a robotic face using moving rods to make it smile. By team put the skin onto a robotic face using moving rods to make it smile. By pulling on the nerves, it's going to be able to move like a human face.

Life-like robots with realistic expressions could help robots communicate with people better. That's what they think. So they think if they're going to be more realistic, you're going to put you at ease. No, that is not good. That's not making me at ease. He looks friendly, but all I can hear him saying when he speaks is, what am I? What am I? What am I?

That is exactly it. What have you done? Tell me what his first noise is going to be when he comes out though. It's going to be. Whatever! I'll tell you what his first noise is going to be when he comes out though and it's going to be... Rosie confiscated! Consfiscated!

Consfiscated! Shit she's coming guys, put her away, put her away, put her away. Hide it, hide it! I don't know that I like the way that we are taking humanity because at some point humans are so fallible, you can see that at some point they're going to make that skin so incredibly lifelike at the moment it's just a pink blob, but it'll only be a very, very, very short time before it is actual human face and it's self healing and there's an AI robot back in there controlling it all. And people will fall in love with robots.

You know, like humans are hard to have relationships, right? Am I right? Hands up if I'm right. But if you can program a robot that looks and feels human and is that sort of like real. Well, they'll never fight with you and stuff. So it's about developing these things that really love you. You like the

look of them, but also they have all the knowledge of the universe, you know, everything that they can download. So that's where we're heading. Anything you can imagine will happen. I've always said that. And that's why I'm worried that it's going to go wrong. You just think about it. If you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend that was a robot that had self healing skin, that had the knowledge of the universe and was super strong, you would never pick on that human that owns that. Like you got your own petitioner because this thing's going to defend you and you're not scared of it going to jail or it being in prison because you just reprogram another robot. You've downloaded their

personality to the cloud. Yeah. So if somebody goes, right, we're taking your robot and we're putting it in prison, you go, sweet, go for it. Yeah. I'll just get the next one out. Yeah. Or you use it to rob a bank or you use it to do so, you know, like... Oh, he went wayward. He went wayward. I didn't programming to do that. Has he taken all the money from the bank? Is he? Yeah, that's nothing to do with me. Yes, it's mine. But I barely know the guy. I don't even know his name. I haven't even just come up with the name.

Hang on. I had a robot. His name was Dave. He liked to rob banks and party rave. Oh, fuck, it's Dave. Yeah, no, that's mine. That is mine. I'm so sorry.

David, get here now! You're going to prison again. Oh, not again! You got a cell phone. I'm so sorry. David, get here now! You're going to prison! Again! Oh, not again! You got a cell full of 24 Daves that just keep robbing backs and you said to the prison and created a new one. I never told you to rob that prison. Who told you to do that, Dave? Put your skin back on your face. You're looking stupid.

I smile. I smile. Yes, yes, yes, yes. The future does sneak up on us in weird ways. I noticed it today when I was on the London Underground. There was a big screen like those new interactive posters that are now videos. So they look like a classic poster on the wall, but it's a moving image. And it was Emma Stone in, I guess, some new movie and she was just dancing there. And I was walking past it thinking

Man, like when I was a teen, I remember seeing stuff like that in the movie Blade Runner Oh, and that's being like wow Imagine how the world's gonna be different when it's stuff like that and then just casually passed it today and didn't even no one's stopping I know we're here. Yeah, we're in that bit of the future. Yeah, that's a good point. No one is actually stopping and going guys, we're here, which is what our podcast is doing, which is, you know, the flesh face robots article is all about was it's like, it's a warning. Hey guys, we are getting to this point now. Are we just going to keep cruising? And not question you got to have an opinion on it, right? AI has, you know, definitely taken us by storm

and it's like a wave we're just all having to ride it because you don't want to be the one who's saying remember there was a few people that came out when AI started getting crazy there was a couple of these professors an old guy left google i think oh that's right there was a couple of people that said oh i'm not having it this is not good but then we've already forgotten about them yeah they're gone it's the way of the future. But these young people in their mid 20s and then the 30s that are that are running this shit and running away. We're just having to sit back and walk into the underground and see the advertising and go, oh yeah, that's the only thing that's very fucking Blade Runner.

Don't just just keep walking. Keep walking. Yeah, I know. And what happened on Blade Runner it was basically exactly that that it was these robot humans that had developed a sentience and people were falling in love with I mean it's exactly the same news article that's what Blade Runner becomes right and they didn't know that they were not real yeah that's right and they had to use those scams. Yeah.

It's the singularity moment that we're heading towards. Yeah, they didn't realize why they were going to prison for robbing a bank. They were like, but I'm human. No, you're not. You're Dave. You've just robbed a bank because your master Reese told you to, didn't he? No, no, did I? What am I? What am I? No, did I? What am I? What am I? Ironically as well, that moving poster

there was from the future, but it also was from the ancient past of Harry Potter with the photographs on the wall with the moving photographs. So like the sarcophagus with Marge Simpson it was also predicted in the ancient past. I wouldn't say Harry Potter's the ancient past though just to stick a stickler. I was about to pick you up on that as well. When do you think Harry Potter's is set? Well no but Hogwarts was really old in these moving photos.

Yeah he's getting confused because Hogwarts is an old castle, so he thinks it's set in the Middle Ages. Yeah. Right. Okay. Yes, but the photos on the wall of Hogwarts were from ancient times and they were moving. And the newspapers, the pictures moved and stuff like that. Somebody hasn't been to England enough, I don't think. Look at these buildings! God, we've gone back in time! Well, Rhys, us druids, it's a druid thing. You wouldn't understand. Cause you know, it's just druids. I don't know if I want to join the druids.

You guys sound like dicks. Hey, just on AI, a crazy thing happened. We did a episode of no such thing as a fish recently in Belgium and we had a guest on a guy called Levenskira. He's just written a book on AI. He is awesome. He's one of us amazing kind of sort of nerd funny guy stand up comedian. Anyway he brings a fact to the table he says that in 2017 and AI program called Alpha Zero was given the rules of chess with no examples of how to play it and within two hours it had learned it so well that it was better at chess than the human world champion of chess. Oh my god.

Now, that's just an amazing fact generally, but what was nuts is that as part of the research for the show, James on my podcast, he went to an AI chatbot thing and asked it, write an episode of No Such Thing As A Fish, and the idea was is that we were going to read it out. And so it wrote an episode and it said, fact number one, an AI program has been taught the rules of chess and in two hours was better than a human. It came up with the same fact that we were doing on the episode without knowing the fact. Yeah, it was it was insane. Is that freaky AI or is it lazy code? Is it proof that we're in the Matrix?

Because the thing that creates the Matrix, the AI that's running this simulation, is like it's little T's, it's like a little, ha ha ha, look at this, is like it's a little tease. It's like a little look at this is this coincidence? Might not be coincidence. It might be controlling everything. Wow. Listen to that aliens listening into this. What an episode for you guys. I'm so happy for you. All right, let's hear about this guy who had a bit of an issue in the restaurant. Yes, so this happened in Florida. So of course, Florida man sneezes his intestines out of his body at restaurant.

So this guy's out to dinner. He's with his wife and he was celebrating with his wife the fact that following some surgery that he had in which he had to have his urinary bladder removed from his body. So he had a sort of a surgical wound on his abdomen, which had been, you know, bound together and so on. He had gone the morning of that day to see the doctor. The doctor said it's healing really well so they could remove the staples that were binding the wound together. So him and his wife to celebrate. Staples off! Go out for dinner! Yeah, so it was breakfast. It was following the doctor's appointment. They go out to breakfast. They're celebrating. He suddenly sneezes really hard and notices when he looks down that his intestines

have popped out through his stomach and he's looking down at several loops of pink bowel that are just sitting there. You've got to make a sort of unique decision there, don't you? Do you pay the bill and get in the car and drive yourself to hospital? Or do you call an ambulance? Yeah. It depends how good the meal is. Do you keep eating? And watch it all go through your intestines on your lap? Exactly. Oh my god, no. That's a decent meal. Or do you just sort of poke it back in? One more bite. Yeah. Do you just push it back in? So yeah, so big sneeze, paramedics arrive, they see it, they decide to cover it with

a pad, and then they give them a couple of painkillers. Oh, and then they go, all right, well, let's get you to the hospital now. But I love that detail. I love this like, all right, well, here's two ibuprofen and... I thought it was him. His two ibuprofen and... That'll sort you out. That'll sort you out. If I was him, I would have made a real scene of it. Once I've noticed that it had split out, I would have stood up and gone,

Oh my god, my intestines have just come out! What did I just eat? What is this place? The ultimate fly in the soup. Yeah, the ultimate fly in the soup. Free, the ultimate fly in the soup. Free meals for a year, I think. That's gotta be the greatest one star review on TripAdvisor. Gotta leave it.

We surely have to leave it. Intestines popped out. When you told us this, he was gonna sneeze it out. Some reason I imagine that he sneezed his intestines out. That's what I thought. If your intestines are going to come out through your mouth, they've got to come up through your stomach, up through your throat, past your windpipe. Quite the journey. Quite the journey.

Well, it just goes to show, you know, when you've had your staples taken out, give it another couple of days. Don't go out straight away, I reckon. Don't go and celebrate and have a big brekkie. And also just a note for the guy who took the staples out. Make sure when you're taking those out, they're ready to come out. I would argue that those weren't quite ready to come out yet. Maybe just a couple of days. And also stay away from feathers, from hot food, anything that's going to make you sneeze. Yeah. There's probably a good warning in there for anybody who having intestinal surgery. Yeah. Have you just had intestinal surgery, sir?

I have just had intestinal surgery. Oh, so I do have some feathers on the top of this cake for you. Oh, please. Uh, what does the matter, sir? Can we not have feathers on his cake, please? He's not even supposed to be getting a cake. We're here for breakfast. But I have heard the good news. I have heard the good news that you've just come out with your staples. Here is your intestinal surgery cake.

Compliments from the hospital, please. Compliments from the hospital. They have delivered a feather success cake for your staple taker offer. Oh, is this the hospital that's not doing so good financially? It needs a little bit more health insurance money. Just before we move out of Weekly World Weird News, there was a moment when we were showing the terrifying artificial skin face, Dan, and you said, keep a mental image of that in your head. And I've kept it in my head still. And can I let it go now? Or

did you want to do something with that image in my head? Keep the image in your head. Okay. That was the advice. It was just keep it there. Keep it there. Never forget this. Okay, still there. Okay, good. All right, well, then let's move on to some cryptid news. Tim Horton's Camp Day is Wednesday July 17th. When you buy a hotter iced coffee, 100% of proceeds help change the lives of youth in need. See you at Tim's July 17th and don't forget to upsize your coffee for a bigger donation at participating restaurants in Canada.

for a bigger donation at participating restaurants in Canada. Attention all personnel, it's time for this week's cryptid. Help me! Does anybody have anything? Yeah, well, I have something that was, as it were, one of those misleading headlines. It was a story about a mysterious animal that's been discovered, It was a story about a mysterious animal that's been discovered, but it became something that is something we know about. But I had never heard about this before, and I think it's fascinating because it's called the Stuff of Nightmares. So I'll do a share screen quickly so that you guys can see it. But the headline is mysterious creature found washed up on beach dubbed stuff of nightmares. Here's the creature.

And you guys seeing this? Oh my God. Oh, that's why the picture was kept in my brain! Oh my God! This is the thing of nightmares. They are so 100% right. Oh my god. Dan's terrifying fish is a direct copy, a paler version of the pink blob of

artificial skin with two bulging eyes and a big round face, but at least the pink face was smiling. This one has got a terrifying toothy frown on it. It's disgusting. What the hell? Yeah. Stuff of nightmares. So let me tell you about this fish because the person who found it thought mystery fish. What the hell is this? I've never seen it before. It turns out, this is a fish that we know about but what a weird ass fish and it's called stargazer because that is it sitting in the sand it buries its entire body and it just lets its face sit out staring up at the sky as if to.

So let me give you the story here a man was shocked after he spotted a mysterious creature with venomous spines that had washed up on a beach. Dennis Chan said he stumbled across the uncommon site which was buried in the sand in Singapore. Upon closer inspection he realized the fish was a long-nosed stargazer which was staring up at the sky. It is believed there are over 50 species of fish and they feature an organ that creates electricity. How crazy is that? What? It's a fish that generates a kind of electricity. It lays there in the sand. He was warned that they possess a powerful sting, but he didn't seem to put him off investigating.

In a video he posted on Instagram, he shows a close-up of the fish before it vanished back into the sand after gasping for air. So this is what the fish does. It goes, and then it just buries itself back. So if you're looking at the beach, you might suddenly have that bloop come up. This terrifying alien looking fish. I wonder if we can see. Oh, look at it. Look at it there. Yeah. And it's like right on the sand.

It's not like deep at the bottom of the ocean. I was thinking this would be like, you can literally see this with your naked eye walking on the beach. Yeah. I want to try and get us the Instagram video of it. So hang on a second. Stargazer. This is a great one.

So weird, isn't it? I'm glad the aliens are listening to this episode because it's going to freak them out. Yeah, we're not going down there. So hang on a second This is a great Things like that guys, so just be Here we go, here's the video Oh wow. And then it just sits there. Look at this wide non-blinking eyes. Looks like a muppet. It does look like a muppet. It does. It looks like one of the muppets.

You guys listening to this podcast need to check this video out. Join the Patreon if you want to see a bit more than just listen to us. Oh my god. That's pretty full on. I've never ever heard of such a thing. Now I really want to go and find one. They're actually super cute. Wow.

So that's a stargazer. Stargazer. So, you know, not technically encrypted, but I thought, you know, just to show how many animals that are out there that the three of us don't even know of. And I bet the majority of our listeners, I'd say 95%, will have never heard of. What an extraordinary species. Okay, talking about more cryptids, an alligator that was on the loose in Missouri, he escaped from a petting zoo set up at a Kansas City middle school. Cute little alligator to have

a look at, it's only small. The petting zoo was set up and everything and they, you know, closed up for the day and moved on and, you know, school carried on and that was a nice little experience. The same alligator was found outside the school. What? Ten days later. Oh, I wanted to come back in. Lakeview Middle School sent an email to faculty and the families of students

revealing the gator was found outside a back door at the school by custodial workers. Yeah now that gator's back. What? Yeah that one from the petting zoo that we showed the kids? Yeah what 10 days ago? Yeah he's back. So that was quite freaky. The alligator escaped. The disappearance sparked a probe by the Casey pet project But the search was called off after a few days He actually escaped I think from the petting zoo that that initial day And then they they did a bit of a search and then they actually ended up just calling it off. No, he's gone That's incredible alligator on the

Okay, I guess what happens will happen now. The weird one about this one, it had his mouth typed shop. Let me share the screen on this. One rogue reptile right back where it belongs. A 14 inch American alligator turned up 11 days after vanishing from a Northland middle school. Much to everybody's joy, there was concern.

Kansas City Animal Control officers expect to issue at least two citations now to People Connected. Fox Fox 4 Sean McDowell takes us to the Northland where the Gators owners, as he believes somebody stole the animal before ditching it today. Eric Smith, the owner of Thorny Ridge Exotics Mobile Petting Zoo tells Fox 4 News on Monday that he's relieved to hear the news that a custodian who opened the back door at Lakeview Middle School early Monday morning discovered Alex, his missing American alligator. Alex is almost two years old. According to positive someone took the reptile from the Smith says he filed a theft report with Kansas city police, Kansas city animal control,

shared these photos of the rescue and Alex with Fox 4 News. We're happy to report that the alligator is alive. Tori Fugate with KC Pet Project says veterinarians are checking out the gator. It's against the law to have an alligator inside city limits. Everyone's concerned about the gator's well-being since its mouth was still taped shut, meaning it might not have eaten in 11 days. She also believes somebody might have grabbed a gator at the school event. It's hard to say where it has been this whole time.

It just showed up right outside of the school again today on the first day of summer school. So there we have it. I find it really intriguing that with its mouth taped together, that it couldn't open its mouth and it survived for 11 days without eating. They do a thing which is kind of like the stargazer as well which is, do you know how they hibernate when it's winter and they're in water that freezes? Have you seen that? Yeah I have. They get frozen, they might be floating underneath but there's obviously the solid ice at the. But what they do is they stick their nostrils up. So that is sticking out of the ice. Yes. So they can breathe. So they're frozen into the ice. And

they just lay there. And they just it's like they've put their snorkel up basically out of the water. Basically, they cryogenically frozen because their cells just stay just and then they don't have to do anything. Yeah, it's amazing that that that that's another one of their survival instincts. Like you say, Reece, they are far superior to humans. I mean, imagine if humans could do that, not eat for 11 days and freeze. Oh, we're pathetic. Be an Antarctica, be an explorer and just go, I'm just going to freeze, I'm just going to lie here, just freeze for a few weeks. That's incredible.

Yeah. I mean, we can't even remember people's names without coming up with tunes. Another 65 million years. Yeah. They're incredible things. And this is so freaky because this ties in beautifully. Like, I think I have the same story, but a different, I think you've just found Wally. Oh really?

What state was this in? This is in Missouri. Kansas in America, right? The state is Missouri, right? I'm not American. I only live here. So, same. Well, my headline, which ties quite beautifully into it is, have you seen

this emotional support alligator? Wally's owner says he's lost in Georgia So there's every chance that Wally an emotional support alligator has made his way from Georgia to Missouri yeah, maybe one went to ground rescue the other one well That's you gotta wonder The more superior to humans, so we can't put it past them. Kansas City and Georgia, those are the two places we were talking about.

So that's a 957 mile distance, just. Well, stranger things have happened in rivers. When did this guy lose his gator? Well, just recently, have a look at this. I'm gonna show you a picture of Joey Henney cuddling his emotional support alligator, Wally. And he's big. He's a big boy. He's huge. I'm just slightly disappointed. Two alligator stories where they've gone missing and neither article has used see you later alligator as the headline. I don't know why

I find that so annoying, but I do. The worst part about my guy is he couldn't even say that when he got taken away. Anyway, the problem with this one is in a similar tone to your one, Reece, where you're not allowed, you're supposed to not have alligators around. This one was actually, it's not that Wally just decided to walk off one day. He was actually, Joey says kidnapped. He says somebody took him from his cage and released him. Now the truth is that it was actually the department of natural resources, the DNR, they actually came and took it because you're not supposed to have alligators as emotional support animals.

And the problem is the trapper came, got Wally and dropped him off in a swamp with about 20 other alligators. And so now Joey's been going to where this alligator was released and they are looking for him and they've actually put out a fundraising activity to try and get everybody in to try and help find this emotional support alligator. More than 400 people have denoted $10,000 to an online fundraiser supporting travel costs, advising costs, and possible legal and veterinary costs to get Wally back. Wow.

As if there aren't enough real problems in the world to worry about. This is crazy because some dude wants a bloody alligator that he's been cuddling. You've got to sit on the fence with that one, don't you? I know. The alligator's probably out there with the rest of the alligators going, oh, finally I'm back. Yeah, and I had to cuddle this guy for fucking weeks. He was weird. He kept taking photos of me and putting me online. You just don't know what's going on in their head. To be fair to Joey though, this guy, Joey, when he was eight years old, Wally,

this alligator came into his life. Oh, okay. It says here, okay, I'm going to read it. After Wally made headlines last September for being turned away from a Phillies game. Yeah. So he's had it for absolutely years. Yeah. Joey told NPR that Wally then eight years old, so sorry, he's had him for about

eight years. Joey had long rescued and rehabilitated animals and didn't set out to keep this alligator, but Wally became special and he attached himself to me really super close. So I kept him. Oh, okay. Yeah, Wally loves chin rubs and giving hugs and doesn't bite when people get close to him. Something Henny said he had never seen in his three decades of handling gators. That's suggesting a domesticated alligator which is I've never heard of that either.

But also I love this idea that he's like guys've got to help me go and find Wally now. Is I, are you missing a pet? Yeah, he's one of these 20 alligators. He's the one that doesn't bite. So by process of deduction, if we find all the ones that bite first, the one that doesn't, it's my alligator. I need 20 of you guys. Everyone get in there and attach yourself to one of the alligators. Now, one of you won't get bitten. One of you will survive and you'll have my Wally. I've got him. I think I've got him. Oh no, no, it's not him. It's not. My leg's gone. My leg's gone. Well, he says he means a lot to me. Actually, he means as much to me as my children.

I don't know how you'd feel about that. If you want to. Yeah, that's an unnecessary add on to that quote. It's hard to see why he's got. You're going too far. Too far. Support alligator. Yeah.

All right, mate. Well, all's fair and love and war and is two sides to every story. Give us a coin. You know, on the fence with that one. I love a good animal story just as much as the next guy. But, you know, some things don't come to those who deserve them. Yeah. Other things do. Yeah. So I'm just reading things off this mug here.

I thought you were singing little songs in your head to try and remember your next word. I'm gonna work out my next strategy. I'm walking down the beach and I realize it's the end of the show. Oh, it's the end of the show! Ah, it's the end of the show! It's the end of the show, guys.

What a show, 96. I need four more show! It's the end of the show, guys. Oh, what a show. 96. I need four more until we all go to do our live show in Bermuda. Was it? Well, that was one of the ideas. Mark it. Yeah. Dan was pushing for that one. Unfortunately, I came up with that one.

Yeah. The big 100 is nearing, so that's exciting for everyone. And I can't wait to see what we're going to do for it. It'll be something special. We can promise you that much. It certainly will. But aliens, it's not for everyone and I can't wait to see what we're gonna do for it. It'll be something special We can promise you that much certainly but aliens. It's not for you. This is your one aliens Hopefully this has persuaded you not to come any closer Just as a reminder flesh covered robot faces

Intestines that pop out when you sneeze and also we have emotional support Animals that are very very vicious indeed. And also we have emotional support animals that are very, very vicious indeed. So if you still want to come to the planet, good luck. Hey now guys, I'm so sorry. I've just noticed the time. We're actually five minutes late, Dan and I for the Druid Society meeting,

which is happening right now. So we better, you got your cloak. Ready Dan? That's it I'm getting the death mask! Tim Horton's Camp Day is Wednesday July 17th. When you buy a hotter iced coffee 100% of proceeds help change the lives of youth in need. See you at Tim's July 17th and don't forget to upsize your coffee for a bigger donation at participating restaurants in Canada.

Whistle out, you've had it now. Both of you, you're gonna have to go. We're gonna start our druid. Boom. Bye. Is this how the druids do it? Thanks for not having me in your stink druid club. Well, it's okay.

It's all right. Button spoke just before you blew the deck whistle, so he's gonna die in a sack anyway. It's just me now. One man club. I've gotta take a drug potion to antidote to the death whistle. Oh here it is. Tastes a lot like cold coffee.

I hate to break it to you, but you you died 37 seconds ago You're just talking and the ethos now Whether afterlife is wonderful guys. It feels exactly like doing an eternal cryptic So I'm I'm happy. I'm very happy, this is bliss. Can't hear you, can't hear you. I made it to heaven. Can't hear you, whatever your name is. Who was that guy I used to know? I think his name is Buzzard. Oh that's right, fuck's sake.

Goodbye. Bye bye bye bye. Put your skin back on your face, you're looking stupid. I'm gonna do it all over again Put your skin back on your face, you're looking stupid