The Cryptid Factor - 28: #028 The Staples Issue

Episode Date: September 5, 2017

The Shambles from Staples. There is no excuse for this mess of an episode - well, there is, just listen and you'll hear a great deal of ambition to bring you the podcast under adverse conditions. As well as some low-lights like Buttons moving location 4 times and Rhys being kicked off the podcast by the Staples manager for getting too D&M, there is also weird news of suicidal robots, bear raids, and exhumed moustaches. Also, you'll hear about Thunderbirds, Nessies land cousin & how Bigfoot does not like windchimes. Oh! and a wee treat from our own expedition. enjoy! (well at least endure...)

The Cryptid Factor with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber. Hi guys this is Rhys Darby coming in from New Zealand. There's Dan Schreiber coming in from London. And hi guys this is Buttons coming in from Staples Stationery Shop in New Jersey in America. Wow. You may if you listen carefully enough be able to hear some photocopying. Wow. I think this is possibly the craziest setup we've done yet. From three different parts of the world and your position in particular Buttons from a stationery shop.

I can see people walking behind you. There is actually, I'm starting to get looked at quite a little bit because people, but I had to find somewhere that had a PowerPoint in New Jersey and I saw that this place had Wi-Fi. But ironically the Wi-Fi is really bad so I'm using the data on my phone. So this podcast is probably costing us about five New Zealand dollars per minute. Oh gosh. You better make this a good one. This better be a good show. It's costing you a lot. Or a quick one.

Yeah. If it looks like it's going nowhere we should just end it. So please do forgive the amount of unnatural sound effects behind me. I'll try and ask everybody to keep it down as much as they can. My internet is unstable as well. I've just had a message come up. I think there's a storm coming in. So yeah, this is very exciting. What message should you get? You've got storm warnings. Yeah. I've got quite a high-tech computer. It says a message pops up. Internet unstable, storm brewing.

And I'm looking out to see, I've got a window here. I can just look out to see and it looks completely fine. So I don't know where my computer thinks it is. What kind of place are you in, Rhys? Where are you broadcasting from? I'm in a classified location next to the ocean. I can't give exact coordinates. I don't want the fans coming in via chopper. There he is. He gave us coordinates.

He foolishly gave us his coordinates. Everybody get down there. Get down there. Quick, get to 78 degrees north, 24 degrees. It's a nightmare trying to meet for coffee with Rhys. It's always coordinates. This is my holiday location. I'm on a very short vacation mid-tour. Obviously I'm still on tour.

A message has just come through. This meeting has been upgraded. Wow. From average to slightly okay. It's someone else listening in and thought, God, they're doing so well. I'm just going to give them a bit more now. Is there someone else in on this call? What is this website that you've got us linked to? This is the future. This is called Zoom.

I read about it on the staples notice board as I came in. I had a bit of time to kill, so I ripped up a little bit of paper. Are you sure the manager of staples isn't listening to this? Isn't he part of this? He's in fact upgraded us to level two. Keep the jokes coming, guys. We want to try and get higher up in the rankings. They've actually started pumping us through the stereo system within the store.

We're now at the entertainment for the shop. People are starting to pull up in the car park. Everybody's heard that it's a live crypto podcast in the Staples Centre. Hello, everyone in America shopping at Staples at the moment. This is Rhys Darby. You probably recognise the voice from various cartoons and TV shows. Coming at you live all the way from an undisclosed location. Did I get that wrong again?

No, I got it wrong. It's actually Shania Twain on the radio. It wasn't us. You sure that could have been me. A lot of people think I sound like Shania Twain. She got a podcast as well. Anyway, this is really exciting. We've got so much to get through today. I'm really excited about today's episode because...

Shania, what do we have, Rhys? Well, we've got an expedition update. So we're going to do... But not just any expedition update. Who's expedition? Our own. Our own. We're going to... Be more excited.

Okay. We're going to reveal some information on a recent expedition to Illinois. And I believe we have a recording of some part of our adventure. And we're going to play that a bit later on on the show. But first, we've got to kick into our classic first thing that we normally do. God, can you please edit me out of this? I'm so tired.

The best thing that we do... It's been a tough day for Rhys. It's only been an hour of it, but it's been tough. Look, I'm sitting here with Shania Twain. And we're both... We're fighting over who's going to use the mic next. I want to use it. No, I want to use it.

I've got to use it. I've got to... No, you've got nothing. You've got nothing, Shania. I can't sit down. I want to promote my new album. She's always wanting to promote her albums. Okay, well, this is what it's time for.

Here we go. Are you ready? And what I have to do is hold... Because I'm in the Staples Center and the guys can't hear, what I'm having to do is taking out one of my earbuds of my headphone and hold it up to the little microphone on the side of my MacBook so that it plays into the wee little hole, the pinhole on the side.

And can you hear this, guys? Weekly World Weird News. Crazy. Freaky, watch out. Yes, it works. Technology. See, if you just think laterally, you can make it all work for you.

Yeah, and this is how we're going to get to the moon, the New Zealand Space Program. And I can't believe that I hired you to be the chief. I think somehow, for some reason, we're going to make it. All right, let's kick in. Dan, why don't you start with some news? Yeah, okay. This was a bit of news that came about a week ago.

They are digging up and have dug up now the body of Salvador Dali. Oh, my God. Why? Why? They've dug him up because a psychic believes that she may be the illegitimate child of Salvador Dali and a court has approved for his bones to be dug up and analyzed to see if she shares the same DNA.

And if she does, she will get access to his millions and become the outright heir to all of his fortunes. So it's a big, big thing going on. But the most amazing thing is that they dug him up and they found, because he was embalmed, his mustache is exactly as it was 30 odd years ago when he died. That's incredible.

Yeah, pointing on the clock, 10 to 10, it's still sitting there, Dali's mustache. That's awesome. Have they got photos of it? No, they haven't posted any yet, no. Wow. Sorry, that was just a shopping cart being returned. Sorry for that.

That sounds like the plot of a movie, like a Wes Anderson movie. Yeah, it really does. Oh, that's amazing. So this lady twice before has tried to prove that she's the daughter of Dali and she had, there was a death mask that was done. You know those classic, I've only seen one ever in Austria, it was Mozart's death mask.

So when people die, they used to put this stuff over their face, take the mold of their face and it would be like, that's what they look like just before they died. Yes, yes. And Dali had one, done. And so they try to get traces of DNA off of that, but that proved inconclusive. And then she had another go at this.

So this is her third go of trying to prove that she's the daughter and they somehow managed to get a court to say, yes, we're going to dig up his bones. Wow. It's extraordinary. You know, you talk about death masks. I recently came across a few death masks. I was in Wellington at the Weta, Weta workshops

and they have a whole room of molds, face molds, because they obviously, they do a lot of 3D rendering and you know, they use, so they've got a whole room full of famous actors' faces. You name it, they're up there. And they've also bought some very famous death masks and they've got the likes of Winston Churchill. They also have Napoleon, which I thought was fascinating.

Yeah, just to see Napoleon's face exactly as it is. And is it the actual thing or is it like a mold of... I believe, because I spoke to them about the Napoleon one and I believe it's possibly the actual one, because this is Peter Jackson's money. And this is the thing that really freaked me out, guys. And the Napoleon face, very similar to my own. It was like looking in a mirror.

See, that's because you're a dictator. Well, I'm definitely, I believe in reincarnation and I think I've returned, guys. I think I could be Napoleon. Do you want to know something creepy about that? Is that my wife, Michelle, is a genuine descendant of Napoleon Bonaparte. Really?

From one of his illegitimate, what are they called? Girlfriends. Children. Children, illegitimate children. So it's like you've come back and it's like you're with... Whenever you're hanging out with Michelle, it's like you're hanging out with one of your great, great, great, great granddaughters.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I do have an affection towards her that sort of, I feel like she's sort of a family member. Yeah, when I'm around her. That's weird. And I'm shorter than her. So it's all fitting into place. It's perfect.

Putting that aside, big Salvador Dali fan, that's pretty cool news. And especially, I think, because his moustache was, you know, so iconic, I think it's just absolutely wonderful that it's exactly as it was when they put him under. I say under. Yeah. I don't know how they...

When they put him down. They put him down. I didn't want to say when they put him down because that sounds like he was a dog. And when he died, I should say, or when they embalmed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And the coolest thing was the people who brought it back up. The guy who embalmed him was there for the reopening of the tomb. So they opened it and he had over his face a handkerchief. They put a really expensive handkerchief over his face. So then they removed it and then wonk these two beautiful bits of moustache. And this guy who did the job of embalming got to see that. Oh, that is amazing. I hope they caught that on video.

I know, I really hope so too. Wow. Do everything you can to get that. And I hope that this lady really is a descendant because this is a lot to go through but she's obviously really believes it. But yeah, it's amazing you can do that these days. Does she actually think she's the illegitimate child of Salvador Dali,

purely from her mystical powers, or has she got some sort of claim to some sort of parental link? Yeah, no. She thinks she looks like him. Hey, well, I know where she's coming from there. I might see if we can dig up Napoleon. Yeah. I love that headline already.

Rhys Darby exumes Napoleon Bonaparte claims he is him reincarnate. Yeah. On a look hunch. I could get a court order the same as she did. I could get something from maybe the how I can pack her anger law courts just in the eastern suburbs there and see if we can get some sort of deal happening with France to dig him up. No, I'm pretty sure I look like him.

Look at me. Look at the death mask here. Very similar. Rhys, the wonderful thing with that though is you're making a claim not that you're his child, but you are him. So your DNA and his would have to be exactly the same. Exactly the same. Yeah.

And when they dig him up and he's not there, I'll say, see, look, he's not there. I'm here. Why do you think he's not there, mate? It's me. I'm here. I'm fine. And then Christmas parties when Michelle comes around,

it's going to be real weird because like, what are you writing your card? Well, Rhys will suddenly be like, you shouldn't be drinking that good. Why are you up so late? Yeah. He'll be sussing you out as a suitor. Yeah. So you want to date my...

Yeah. Yeah. Listen, I don't go through the right guys to her. You know, you're a bit all over the place. And where's my big hat? Imagine the wealth coming your way, though. What claim do you have? Like, there's probably massive palaces in France that are yours now.

Oh, look, the world, it'll be mine. The world will be mine. Finally. Like it doesn't already. You know that Napoleon used to believe that he was visited by what he called a red man. And it was a sort of extraterrestrial being that used to come on the nights before he did big battles.

And it would tell him about whether or not he was going to win the battle and he would make decisions about whether or not to fight. Off the back of this vision, everyone knew about it. It was this guy who came and visited him all the time, this E.T. character. Wow. Gee, that's fascinating. That could...

That might have been me. Because I used to have these dreams when I was younger that I was often visiting Napoleon just before his battles. I think it was me going back in time. Oh, this is getting really weird. This is getting so weird. You'd have to just reading about battles that Napoleon won and lost

and you'd have to think about going back and telling them which one he screwed up. You're going to win this one. It's a no-brainer. Okay, so just head in through the trees and have your guys outflank him on the right. Okay? But you've got to do it at 12 minutes past two, exactly.

Okay? All right, that's all for now. I'm going to head off. And I'm sorry I've got the red jammies on again, but I'm going to head off. And I'll see you in about three months for your next one. Mum's waking me up. I've got to go.

I just wonder what the Staples manager is thinking right now. Well, we haven't been upgraded since the last upgrade. Have we ever made it Staples? No. How funny do you have to be to get to the next level? This is hard. Oh, my God. I can't believe that's only the first weekly World Weird News story.

We've got so much more to go. Well, you go next. Okay, well, my piece of news is a piece of video of a bear raiding a fridge in cupboards after breaking into a Colorado home. Oh, wow. So a bear was captured on somebody's home video after it broke into the house in the middle of the night

and raided the fridge and totally trashed the kitchen. Overall, the animal spent six hours inside of Chris... Oh, man, names are so hard. Chris O'Dubbrick. Chris O'Dubbrick in Colorado Springs, as he slept upstairs, unaware of what was happening below. His surveillance camera shows the bear standing on its hind legs

and opening the refrigerator door with ease, like he's done it before. And then he goes through and has a look and all the cupboards just opens all the cupboards just naturally. And then whilst inside, it develops strawberries, cherries, blueberries, and organic apple oatmeal, the Colorado Springs Gazette reported. The bear also ripped a pantry door off its hinges

through food on the floor and wrecked a kitchen trash compactor. I just can't believe it's not enough that he has to steal items, but he wrecked the place as well. He wrecked the place as well. Honestly, it's terrible. OK, here we go.

Can you see that? See this new system that Staples have let me into? I can share my screen, isn't that good? This is a first for us. It is, OK. This is actually better than when we're in the same room. It is. OK, so you can see here,

see, there's the bear, it's coming in the house. Oh, there he goes. It knows exactly where the kitchen is. It doesn't go to any other room. Watch, stands up, goes by Piedle. Watch this, opens the door like a human. Oh, that's awesome. Isn't that incredible?

That is amazing. Watch this, opens the cupboard door. It just goes to show how human they are, because, you know, you don't think that they can... What's the word I'm thinking of? Dextile? No, you know, when they can actually grab things. Dexterous, yeah.

Yeah, I'm going with dextile. I'm pretty sure that's the correct word. I mean, they have huge paws, but they use them like artists' hands. The funny thing is, he woke up, heard some noise. This is after six hours of the bear being in the house, mind you, so he must have been sleeping very heavily

after hearing a bear raiding your kitchen. Yeah. He sent a shiver up his spine, and then he got down, realized it was a bear in the house, called Colorado Parks and Wildlife. They came around. They say they claim it's the same bear believed to have gone into somebody else's house

and ate ice cream and M&Ms from another house in Colorado earlier in the week. So he knows what he wants, this bear. Listen, have there been any reports of there being also a smaller bear with him by the name of Boo Boo? Because these two together, I've heard of these two, and he's a very, very clever bear. I couldn't see where you were going with that.

I couldn't see it at all. I mean, it's one thing stealing picnic hampers, but to actually follow the family's home and go straight into their house, that's next level. We've talked about this before, but it's about the desperation of animals as we take over their habitats,

and as the climate changes and they get more desperate for food, they're just coming into our world, and it's something we're having to deal with more and more. And that's the way life is going. It's becoming more and more the survival of the fittest, and it also takes us into these ideas that we're going through an extinction phase now

where animals bring pressure to survive, and it's going to take a long time, but we're also part of that. We are struggling to survive as well because of the world around us. That's quite deep. OK, guys. Have we been upgraded after that speech?

No. Where's the manager? The guy photocopying his CV on the Xerox over there is enthralled. He's actually almost bought to tears by that little speech. Why? So how did the bear get in? Well, there was apparently a broken window on the first floor after a storm. What? He climbed the first window?

But the sad thing is, is this story does have an unfortunate ending in the fact that the Colorado Parks and Wildlife people had to shoot the animal dead. So largely because he was getting way too comfortable going into people's houses, and it was only a matter of time before this bear was going to get comfortable enough to go in and do some damage.

So, all in all... Where's Rhys gone? Is Rhys gone? Yeah. I wondered why there was no little witty comeback. Maybe he got kicked off, maybe Mr Staples kicked him off. He was too deep. This is a comedy podcast, mate. Here he is.

Time traveling to Napoleon. We were worried that the staples manager kicked you off and not been funny. You were going too deep and meaningful there. We thought we got downgraded to two people. Yeah, if you go on a bit and get a bit boring, you're out, I think. Okay, we better quickly move on before I cut out again

and we'll drop down another level. What have you got? I have a story here. It's the world's first robot suicide. So you might have heard of this one. A robot decided to drown itself. So you see this robot here? Oh, yeah. Is this one of these security robots

that walk around and keep people safe? Yeah, it looks amazing. It's a security robot in Washington, DC. And it was doing its rounds. It's basically equipped with cameras and whatnot. And it's a cool idea. They have them in Dubai as well. But this one decided just to walk down the steps

and straight into the fountain and basically just drowned itself. Oh, no. Can you see the picture here of the robot in the fountain? Oh, that's fantastic. Look at it. So sad. For those at home that can't see this, this robot looks somewhere between a bread maker and a Dalek.

It's got a great bit. It's white. It's kind of almost a little bit either from Wally. You have to admit it is about the same size and a very similar shape to a Dalek. It just needs a great big prong coming out the front. And the funny tweet that someone from the office sent, Bilal sent this tweet, our DC office building got a security robot.

It drowned itself. We were promised flying cars. Instead, we got suicidal robots. So it just goes to show that we're still not quite there yet. There's another picture here of another employee, I'm guessing. A remembrance moment with Steve the robot just last Friday. We were such good friends. He looked so happy and healthy. So I think it's interesting because we're going through a phase now

where robots are becoming more commonplace and we attach our human emotions to them. We always have through science fiction films. And now that they are real, of course, we feel the same way about them. We've made them, we care about them. And also because they care about us. And so when they meet their ultimate demise, you know, it's...

What's going on with... You there, Ace? He's getting deep and meaningful again. He's got to stop this. He's about to talk about the nature of AI and human emotion. This staples manager is really... He doesn't have time for it. He needs comedy. He needs quick sentences.

He's in a staples store looking after... He's sad enough as it was already. He doesn't need to be brought down. He's trying to do big things for us as well. We're next in line behind Shania. If we get this right, we've got her slot. This is the big time. This is it. This is the interview.

I can't actually hear Shania on the background. Is she singing songs or just doing tannoy announcements? What's happened? Oh, Reese has been bled back. So guys... Guys, I've just... A lot of water is coming in here. So I've had to do a bit of sandbagging

to get the internet a bit more stable. It's holding up for the moment, which is great. The staples manager as well has just come over and had a quick word and he said, he wants you to be a bit funnier. Oh, okay. Well, I've got this video here of the actual robot. Look. This is the night scope. Oh, this is fantastic.

And here's a van turning up to deliver the ultimate security robot. Introducing night scope. Autonomous data machines. There he is. Wow. What's it do? Does it come up and give you an electric shock? Has it got tasers or something loaded in it? Oh, look, it's zooming in on that guy.

Oh, my God, yeah. What's the robot gonna do? She's parked terribly. Oh, emergency call. What, because she's parked terribly? It's not an emergency call, just because she's a bad parker. And then there's somebody in Delhi monitoring the robot. What are they gonna do?

Oh, it's got its own parking space. That's important. Oh, that's nice. So you gain a robot, lose their parking space. I mean, yes, they look very much like Daleks, don't they? And I think that is an issue, especially as Doctor Who now is not only big in Europe, I think it's really smashed through in America as well. So it's a huge show. People know that, you know,

the Daleks are a very evil, evil race. And I think the other thing, I think, is that it also looks a bit like a giant head. I just had this vision of it opening up and Mork from Mork stepping out. And I thought it'd be wonderful if actually inside these things was, you know, a Robin Williams-style comedian complete with all the braces and orange jumpsuit gear on.

Trying to call Orson. Yeah. I'm drowning. I'm drowning. Quick. Mork calling Orson. But the funny thing is, how do I get out of this? In their video, they showed, first of all, a guy trying to break into a car. This little robot turned up. Their security cameras, basically all I can tell that it is,

is a mobile security camera. It's a security camera that can just move very slowly around the place. And that's probably why this scene is committed suicide, because it's like, man, that made me out to be a security robot. I mean, this is probably a setback for them now. But look, NightScope have just announced that they plan to install a gun detection feature on its robots. So if this robot was just cruising around high schools,

it might be, and it's just scanning everything, it can detect whether there's a firearm on someone, which is interesting. I think that's quite cool. That is quite cool. But you would, if you had a gun, you would just, if you saw NightScope heading towards you, you'd go the other way. They haven't done much today. Watch out, mate, there's NightScope.

NightScope's coming. NightScope comes the next day with like a backpack and like a weird hat on and stuff. Oh, they'll never know. Disguised. I'm not NightScope. I'm just a giant egg. What are you talking about? I'm not NightScope. I'm Humpty. HumptyScope. I'm Humpty. It's Easter, isn't it?

You can have a lot of fun dressing them up anyway during Easter or Halloween. I might actually go as NightScope for Halloween this year. Yes. And just keep walking into fountains. If you had one of these things going around your school, though, wouldn't you have a whole bunch of fun, like just putting kick-me-post-it notes on its back, and you'd have just like graffiti in it, you'd have so much fun.

What's it going to do until the point where it gets guns or a taser or something like that? It's open slather. Yeah. It's already started. The human abuse, it's hard to get past that. I think that's one of our worst traits, is that we really enjoy abusing each other in anything in our path. Well, in fear of being kicked off by the staples manager,

getting deep and meaningful for a second, if I can. Oh, yeah. See, the challenge is, is that we give these things way too much trust already. And this one's killed itself. When we do put guns on them, we're trusting them too much. Clearly, they didn't expect for this little robot to go drive itself into the water. Sorry, it's got all manner of GPS systems and cameras to stop it from doing that. But we're what, only a couple of years into having robots living amongst us,

and they're already failing. And I know it's early days, but we're way too trusting of them. I mean, Samsung have got a, if you search up Samsung Sentry, they've actually got a military division where they're making these autonomous guns to be like sentries at gates of somebody's fancy house, maybe. Oh, wow. And it's got all the stuff of facial recognition, and can read people, and it's got a machine gun,

and it can shoot people from hundreds of metres away. People are going to be already... What's happening in the background there? Someone's doing some major work in staples there. I've seen them actually taking all the cash register trays, and I think we're probably not far away from getting kicked out. I'm not too sure. I don't know what time they close. Are they closing for the day, or doing a major stock take?

We'd better move on. Let's do some cryptic news. Here we go. Here's a little... Hang on. I'll just take one of my earbuds. Oh, they just switched the lights off. Hang on. I'm going to have to... Hang on, before we do... I'm just going to have to pack up my stuff. What have you done?

I'm just going to walk outside. Here we go. What is happening? Yeah, sorry, mate. I'm just going to go... Oh, my God. Sorry, guys. Hopefully I don't... This is honestly the weirdest podcast I've ever... Get used to it.

No, we've been to the staples managers. He's closing us down. We've not been funny enough, so... We've lost funding? Yeah, lost funding. Oh, no. Oh, absolutely. Thank you. The podcast is on the move?

We're moving outside, so I'm going to go onto the street. Why is he escorting you? He's behind you, buddens. Yeah, here we go. Oh, no. Buttons are being escorted out of this... Stationery shop. I'm now outside. I'm so sorry, guys. We've been kicked out.

But that's okay. I'll sit... I'll do it sitting down here in the Handicap car park. Okay. Here we go. Well, I... I'm losing you. His button's gone. Isn't he the producer on this?

I think we're sort of left high and dry. I'm back. Oh, no, there he is. I get the odd glimpse of him walking down the street. I know where you walk. This is like watching Cloverfield. No idea what's going on. I wish the fans could watch this the way we're watching it.

I mean, this is really the future. Oh, my God. Where only us three are listening and watching our own podcast. Have you guys got me? Yeah. Oh, good. You're in the car. Now I'm in the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So even when you were in there, you weren't even using the Wi-Fi. No. You didn't need to be in there at all. Oh, no. I don't understand. No, I did because I needed power. Oh, okay.

Okay. I think we should do some cryptid news. Play the sting. Okay. Here we go. Here's the sting. I'm just holding my earpiece up to the thing. Can you hear that? Oh, hang on.

Attention. All personnel. It's time for this week's cryptid. Help me. Okay. Well, listen up, guys. The news that everyone's talking about this week is this mysterious creature that was filmed in Scotland.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So you can see this wonderful picture here. This is from the Glasgow Evening Times. Nessie's cousin or Stumpy McTree Stump. So, yeah, a walker got more than he bargained for when he happened across the long-lost cousin of Nessie. Now, this has been all over the internet, the picture of this creature, which looks, when

I first saw it, breathtaking because you go, what is that? Yeah. I mean, it looks like a little dinosaur. Then you think maybe it's a long-necked turtle without its shell, because if you look at the Stumpy Little Feet, that could be, but then the face is quite different to that. There's been many, many speculations as to what it is. And of course, it was Jimmy Wright, the Cologne resident who snapped the photograph while he was out walking his dog on Crow Hill in Cologne.

Wow. I may have pronounced that wrong, but that's the little Scottish town. So he posted the image straight away and wanted to get some feedback from his Facebook friends, and a number of them decided it was an old tree stump. Now, if it is a tree stump, that's great, because what he's done is he's managed to go get to a certain angle on a tree stump that looks absolutely, he might have even have moved it and put it in this, it's a neary, so you can't see the bottom of it, but gosh, it certainly looks like a dinosaur or something, doesn't it?

It really does, yeah. It looks like, I think the description of it being a turtle without a shell as well is perfect. Yeah. Oh, I came up with that one. Ah, yeah. But I was just trying to, trying to put two and two together when one of the twos wasn't there.

Yeah, no, the manager's staples would have loved that, I can't believe this has happened. That would have been a full upgrade, but unfortunately we're out in the button's car now. What do you guys think? I think it's, well, the thing I'd want to know is, if he sees this, is this a close-up on a bigger picture that he didn't notice that that was in shot, and he later saw the shot when he was back home, or is that the shot, is that what he was photographing? In which case, did he not see it continuing to walk? I'd like to know more on the circumstances of his photo.

Yeah, I think he's claiming that this is a photo that he took of the creature, and of course, in reality, you would take quite a few, and if it got down and started running away, you'd take some more. So I think, I'm not convinced by it, I mean, I think looking at it now, after I've been looking at this for quite a few days, and you look down at the base end of it, it looks like it doesn't come to any end, it looks like it could be a tree stump. Yeah. But, I mean, it is obscured by the grass.

The grass. Yeah. Has it ever been said that Nessie has a cousin roaming the hills as opposed to a lake monster? No, but there has been reports of people seeing Nessie outside of the lake. Oh, really? But I, yeah, but I don't... I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah, people have seen some type of plesiosaur outside of the water as well.

There's been reports over the years, over the hundreds of years that these reports have come through. But I'm not sure how close this town is to Loch Ness, but I think, I think it's a different thing again. The thing that I love is that they're going the old stumpy McTree stump, like the boaty McBoatface. That's becoming... And then, like, they could use that for anything.

Well, you know, there was that train in Europe that they've named Traini McTrain. Traini McTrainface, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My favorite one is that they've discovered a whole new light phenomena, which is like Aurora Borealis. It's a crazy Northern Lights light, but they've found out that it's a new light altogether. It's completely different. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's been there the whole time, and no one's known it. But unfortunately, because it's been named by the public, it's now called Steve. What? Really? Why are they calling it Steve? The guy, the guy who discovered it. Yeah, but it's just going on, mate. But is he driving?

Is he just driving there? He's got a phone call. I tried. Is that the manager of Staples? Guys, you've been downgraded again. Well, I'm having a nightmare here, guys. You wouldn't understand that. I asked you to leave.

Can you drive out of the car park, okay? Everything started off okay, but then we realised this was just encouraging bullshit. So we've downgraded you, and we can see you're still in the car park. Please drive away from this vicinity. We thought you'd gone, but night scope has spotted you in the car park. Can you see night scope behind you there? Yes, he's after me. That's why I'm driving very slowly away.

Hey, try and get him towards a fountain. That's the only way you can get them. Lure him to a water source. With the Daleks, it was just run upstairs. And now with night scope, it's just run towards water. They're so easy, these robots. Yeah. Man, like I've had to drive around, I accidentally connected back up to the Wi-Fi and that wasn't

good enough and then I lost you there for a little bit. Okay. Okay. Yeah, you're better to be spending the funds on the data by the sounds of it. Yeah, way better. I guess Augusto is just going to pay for all this, are they? Oh yeah. Michelle will be happy with the new bill.

I'll just hide it. Wait, how much of these podcasts costing us now? 400 bucks? Yeah, but it's worth it, honey, it's worth it. And the content is terrible. Yeah, but your great-great-great granddad said it was okay. You're a French dictator with the emphasis on the dick, he's given it the tiny thumbs up.

The wee little thumbs up. Okay, well, that's a great start to crypto buzz-o. What have you got, Dan? Well, mine's not so much a story. It's a bit of new knowledge, I'd say, about how to go about trying to find Bigfoot. You might remember a couple of episodes ago, I was listening to Buttons talk about different sort of cryptid beings, and I thought that he said that Bigfoot was being fed beans as in baked beans.

Oh, yes! Yeah. Well, someone listened to that episode, a guy called Matt Ralston, and he messaged us, and he said that actually, when skunk cape, when skunk cape research is happening, they do actually try to lure skunk cape with lima beans. That's part of the actual process of luring, and I thought, okay, that's interesting because I've not really heard about the bait that they try to get to catch them on camera and bring them into shot.

And there's a new series that's on at the moment called Survivorman, Bigfoot. And in it, they're in their sixth season at the moment, they've used new methods to try and lure Bigfoot in via things like beans. So if this guy is to be believed, the way that we can now lure Bigfoot is via wind chimes. What? Wind chimes. Wind chimes. Wind chimes.

He tried luring him with marbles. He tried luring him with his own son. He put his son as bait, and that didn't quite work. That's a nice thing to do. Did his son know he was Bigfoot bait? Yeah, I'm not sure. You stand there. You just stand there for a bit.

Yeah, but so it's interesting, lima beans are a thing to lure the skunk cape, they believe, and I'm just collecting now all the different types of foods and things like wind chimes. The wind chimes, by the way, is because they thought that they were trying to lure a Bigfoot from a... Oh, you've got... Buttons. What are you doing? Where are you going?

My family's hopping back into the car, and I went to hop out of the car. Is that Reese's granddaughter? This is Reese's great, great, great granddaughter. Say hi. Ah, what? Well, look, I think we're running out of time now, so I think we should do our expedition update and maybe... Just one additional little bit of crypto news, which I've only just stumbled across, which

is pretty exciting, I think, which leads very nicely into our expedition update, is two people have spotted a thunderbird in California. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, a 74-year-old man has said that he was driving on State Route 16 near Rancho Murita when he saw at around 11.45 p.m. driving around 65 miles per hour when this huge bird showed up.

It swooped down from my left and leveled off in front of my vehicle, and it flew along in front of me for about 20 to 30 feet. Instinctively hit the brakes when the object appeared in front of our car, he explained. He didn't specify who the other person in the vehicle was, but claimed that this other person had exactly the same eyewitness account. Man described the creature as a 30-foot-tall blackbird with features similar to those of a hawk. The wingspan covered the width of the two-lane highway, as wings seemed to undulate because

of its size. The animal, he said, continued to fight around 10 foot off the highway, then lifted off to the right and out of sight. He says, I'm not sure how to accurately describe it. He said, apparently, it was there for about five to seven seconds, and it took off. Wow. Amazing, eh? Came right down.

Yeah, came right down. That's the full width of the two-lane highway, 30 foot. Yeah, that's amazing. That's the bit that I've, that, because you hear these numbers, which sometimes I can't get a grip on. I'm just saying 30 foot, that sounds big, but not, I don't know, a two-lane highway. That's ginormous. It's huge, eh?

It's incredible. Yeah, and it also gives him some perspective, which is the most difficult thing when spotting a large bird in the sky. That's right. You can't tell how big it is in comparison to things around it, but if he could actually see the lanes in front of him and judge that that was the actual wingspan, then that is definitely a bird from another realm. Wow.

Quite amazing, isn't it? So anyway, so we'll wait to hear. That's awesome. More, and hopefully, I mean, if it was on a state. And very exciting for us. Well, yeah, if it was on a state highway, then hopefully there's more witnesses. Of course, why is that relevant to us is because we just happened to be on our own little cryptid mission recently, didn't we guys?

That's right. Yes, we have recently embarked on our own expedition in search of Thunderbirds. You'll hear much more about it in the future, but I believe we'd like to just show you a small excerpt of our trip via the audio systems we have. Do you want to talk us through it? Buttons? Certainly do. So the interesting thing with this is, is this wee piece of audio actually isn't us

on any other hunt, actual hunt. This piece of audio turns out, Rhys, that the microphone that you were wearing during that day was left on whilst we were driving home to our accommodation or trying to find that night's accommodation whilst we're out on our expedition. So without us knowing about it, we were being recorded the whole time via your little microphone in your back pocket. Oh, really? Yeah.

And the beautiful thing about that is, is that whilst we were driving to this amazing accommodation called Wolf Creek in Southern Illinois, we had the most insane experience ourselves, didn't we? Yeah. It was, it was a bit scary, yeah. I think I know the experience you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. And look, the honest truth is...

Buttons? Yeah. Buttons, where are you now? You're like in a forest. So I'm out in the car park. He's in a, he's in a... It's a little bit windy. A car park.

Yeah. So I'm now going to hop back into my car. You know, just as a professional podcaster, I don't, I don't know too many other podcasts where one of the members produces the entire show and records it from a car park. You know, listeners, you're very lucky to get this experience because we're right up there with the top level, and I think we've shown it today, where we can record anything from anywhere. Well, this is, this is us being dedicated because we want to bring this to you once

every week. We want, we do want to bring this to you. And when we're all around the world, we have to use the internet that's available to us, whether it's a Staples free Wi-Fi or whether it's my data costing us $5 a minute, then you know, we're going to do it, aren't we guys? We're dedicated now. This is the dedication we're showing. And I think, you know, even after we all get arrested and throw in separate cells, I think

we'll still try and get the message through, even if it's just on bits of paper that we show up to the security cameras. Show it up tonight, Scott. Yeah. The truth must be told. The public must know the world is weird. It's even weirder when you're trying to podcast from a car park. Yeah.

Are your family in the car with you now? Or have you kicked them out? No. I'm back in the car with the family. They're all sitting here looking at me. Are you in your car, or have you just gotten someone else's car? I'm in my car. And I will now play this audio down for you so that we can wrap this podcast up as quickly

as possible. So the one final part is we're driving to try and find out accommodation. We was dark. There was a lightning storm in the distance. So there was like little bits of lightning lighting up a very dark sky. And then there was fireflies flying around the place. And we're on this country road that's a gravel dirt road. And it was pretty freaky, wasn't it, guys?

And it all started off. Yeah. It was really freaky when we saw a van driving past with a big bucket full of smoke pouring out the back of it as he was driving around his little town. Oh, yeah. It looked like it was trying to make the whole place look scarier. It's like it was like, oh, usually tourists are in town. It's not quite scary enough.

Can we get some of that mist going, send the truck out? That's what it felt like. Yeah. So as I say, because we had the audio recording, I thought I'd play some of that down to you so that people at home could hear how a cryptid factor expedition sounds like. Oh, what's that? It's got smoke coming out of the back of his truck. It's like he was fumigating the town.

Yeah. Well, there's hazards. Would they do that around the town? How bad are the bugs around here? Well, maybe that was the smoke machine just to give the spooky out. Yeah, yeah. It was either one of those things. My God.

It's not explosive enough. Yeah. The cryptid factor were coming quickly. Get the smoke machine out. She's on the phone. Okay. I want the smoke machine. I want lightning.

Okay. Get the fireflies. It's all on. I want to meet this guy. Rice Dousey. I'm telling you, we're living in Spookyville, right? This is X-Files. It does have an X-Files vibe to it.

That's exactly what it has. And I've been in the X-Files, but I don't think I've been in more of an X-Files situation. It's coming from somebody who's actually been in the X-Files. I'll just do something. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you going to do? Don't...

Oh, no. Wow. Ah! Okay, now. It's such an idiot. So, that was obviously me just scaring you guys by turning the engine off. Remember that? Yeah.

Earlier. Yeah. But then, of course, what happened straight after that, we actually got properly scared, didn't we? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, we stopped a second time. The first time that was you, you were planning it.

Second time, it's because we heard a noise. Yeah. And the truth is, is that we only stopped because I'd never seen fireflies before. So, I wanted to stop before we got to the accommodation. So, I could see the fireflies. And so, I stopped, just randomly, in a certain spot, and then this is what happened. This is so weird. I wouldn't be surprised.

Something crazy is going to jump out from the bush and we're going to hit it. It's going to be some sort of, like, Jersey Devil or something. Oh, look, this is X-Files, if ever, I've fucking seen it. It's getting creepier. Oh, God. Oh, yeah, look. What? This is going to stop for a second.

What do you see? This is going to end up there, right? Right? Why stop me? Because look at all the, you see all the fireflies. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You see something, right?

Fuck! Ah! What is in there? Did you hear that? Yeah. Where's the torch? What are you doing? What the fuck?

We can't, guys. We're fucking cryptozoologists. Yeah. There was something definitely in the woods there. Yeah. That's why I screamed. Did you see something? No, but I...

I don't want to be a cryptozoologist anymore. Oh, that's so good. I don't want to be a cryptozoologist anymore. I think it's the last thing from you there, Dan. I think it's the last thing from you there, Dan. I think it's the last thing from you there, Dan. I don't want to be a cryptozoologist anymore. I think it's the last thing from you there, Dan.

I think that's what we should name this episode. I was terrified. I was genuinely terrified. Yeah. We'd built the story in our heads too much at that point. You know, we were in this new American town. I'd never been to the Midwest before. I was there, nighttime.

I was with Crazy Buttons, who was ready to jump out of the car to chase a monster. I mean, it was, yeah, petrifying. Well, that's what we do. That's what we're supposed to be doing as chasing monsters. And you guys were like, trying. I didn't know that's what we did. I thought we sat in the car and saw nothing

and then thought it was something. Dan was hoping we were just going to go to the local library and look up some more cryptographic information. He didn't realize we were actually amongst it. Yeah. And, you know, driving at night, couldn't read my book. All the worst case scenarios for me were there. It was very exciting.

It was one of the best weeks of my life. And that was one of the greatest moments. I felt like I've never felt so alive that we were amongst it. We were in a very spooky place. And, you know, a spooky occurrence like that happened. And, yeah, it was real. It felt like, to me, genuinely, it felt like the Scooby-Doo moment. It was like the adventure began at that moment

when we were away on this big adventure. I think we all grew up in that moment. I tried to. Was everyone gone? What's going on? Are you there? That was my deep moment. Rhys left.

Buttons was just looking out the window. No, it was really good. It was really good, Dan. I've got to go, guys. I've got to start driving back to New York. Oh, great. Well, actually, I'm really busy, too. So I've got to nipper.

OK, well, I'll finish my thought next episode, then. Should I? We'll do that. No, I've got the phone number of the staples manager. He wanted you to give him a call to just finish that off to him. He's sitting in the back of the car with my family. It looks like individually, we've all been cut out one by one from staples.

Dan was the last to go, so I think he won the episode. But overall, that old saying, I love it when a podcast comes together. That cannot be said of this episode. It is the most random, bizarre, out there podcasting situation that has ever happened. Yeah. I'm just proud to be part of it with you guys. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. Well, it was a big effort by all this week. Yeah. After three false starts, we tried three times to do a podcast, and then it was, no, do it tomorrow. No, do it tomorrow. And then we finally did it. This was the result.

Yeah. Buttons is the one who's always suggesting the time. I would assume that you would have known you would have been in a room, at least, where you could stay. You've had four location changes in this one episode. Well, that was three afternoons ago. First time I was going to do it in a cafe, and then it was going to be under Brooklyn Bridge.

And the third time now we got in a staple center. You're missing one. You were going to do one in Brooklyn Zoo. I think you remember as well. We were going to do one in Brooklyn, live from Brooklyn Zoo. The exciting part is, while I'm still here in the States, next week's podcast, it's going to be me and Chicago.

And what I was thinking is that I might go and do an actual live podcast and Mothman Hunt, because there's been so many Mothman sightings up there. I thought, if I go and do a Mothman Hunt whilst we podcast, then that might work, because it certainly worked in the staple center. That's a cool idea. I bet the Wi-Fi is great in the forests out there, so that would be a fun one to do. Oh, no, it's going to go all on the Cryptid Factor data plan.

You've been given the green light by Napoleon. And Napoleon's great-great-granddaughter said that it was okay too, right? She's sitting next to me. Great, great, great, great, great. And the thing is, it's a direct line. It's just that the child was illegitimate, but really well-known to be illegitimate. It was like a public affair.

See, it was a well-known illegitimate. I think I got this nose and my attitude, my bossy, direct nature. Buttons? Yeah. I can't believe you've made your family sit in the car this entire time listening to us. Reese has gone now.

Reese has gone. Reese has checked out. This is the messiest end to a podcast ever. Your family's been there the whole time? Let's pour them. Yes, yes, yes. Dancers, hi, everybody. Are we the most patient family in the frickin' world?

We're wandering around the big American hot car park. Most incredible family. We're waiting for this podcast to end. Can you, can it end? Yeah, let's end it quick. Okay, I'll see you later. Reese has just joined. We'd better go before Reese comes back in.

Super keen to end this experience. Join back in again. It's goodbye from me and I'll see you all or hear from you all or maybe you'll just hear from me next week. All right, bye guys. Bye. What a shambles.

Thank you. Bye. Thank you.