The Cryptid Factor - 44: #044 Season 15, Episode 2

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

In a vain attempt to be more dependable and regular, the CryptidFactor team bring you another episode in just outside a week! Packed with Wizard apologies, Mars enabling Chernobyl Fungi, Ice ships in the Arctic, Baseball hero RV excursions, deflated croissants and a fair amount of Hasselhoff hassles!

The Cryptid Factor, with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber. And we are back. Welcome to Episode 2 of Season 15. I just made that up. Of The Cryptid Factor. Hello, I'm Rhys Darby. And Dan Schreiber. And with me. And we're not rusty at all, are we guys? And that voice is Buttons. Oh hi, how's it going everybody? Good. I can't believe we weren't on air for a year. Is it that long? Yeah. You know, it's time to get back to where the real muscle is. And that's this show. Us controlling it. No outside sources. The only inside sources are us. We're inside. We're the sources. I'll be back in a minute. What kind of source are you? I once did a sitcom pilot. I've done a few of them in my years. And my catchphrase was hot source. Was it? Why? Yeah, I was a magician. That was sort of down and out. I think I was divorced. I thought it was a great idea for a show. I was sort of a magician that certainly had tickets on himself. He thought he was brilliant. I fitted the role well. But it didn't go. It didn't go anywhere. What happened was, in the pilot, I did one of those tricks where you teleport.

Just casually. Yeah, so that's like one of those ones. I'll go into a cupboard and then I'll appear in another cupboard at the other end of the theatre. And people are amazed. And so in the show, I auditioned people that looked like me. And I found one guy that looked identically like myself. So I gave him the role. But he had this thick Geordie accent. And so he appeared. But I, in the actual making of the show, I had to play both parts. So it was just me. But then the producers made me learn to do this accent. It was terrible. Give us a go. Give us a quick go. Oh, gosh. Oh, no. No, you couldn't go there like that. If you go there, you're not going to see a thing. Oh, no. Is it one of those Indian Geordies? Like is? Anyway, when they finished making the show, I watched the pilot. And anyway, they dubbed me. This is the second time I've been dubbed in my life. No. Yeah. So they dubbed because I thought the accent was terrible. So they got a guy to come in and just voice over whenever any time my other character spoke. That's so good. So you're hot sauce. Yeah. That was my catchphrase. And my character's dermat. His catchphrase was hot sauce.

You should bring them back. You should actually use that. Why don't you use that? Yeah, it's a great catchphrase. Oh, I bring the catchphrase. I think I've got permission to use the catchphrase. I have to ask the writer. I mean, it's just two words in it. It might get a bill in the mail. Couldn't help but notice on episode two of season 15, you use the words hot sauce three times thricely, I might add. You owe me $15. In LA somewhere, there'll be a guy in a massive mansion, a writer. His kids will say, well, how did you make all your money, Daddy? Did you write really great sitcoms? No, no, I wrote shit sitcoms for none of my pilots got off. Well, how did you make all your money? Well, let me tell you this little story about a guy who stole my catchphrase. Oh, this is due to him. You know what? That's another amazing premise for a TV show about a stolen catchphrase. This guy making money off just suing people for you.

Well, you know, the guy who says, let's get ready to rumble. He owns that. So when movies use that, they have to. And also David Hasselhoff, when he got divorced, he, as part of the divorce settlement with his wife, he made it so that she could never ever use, don't hassle the hoff. That's his exclusively. She cannot. It's so weird. You cannot use it. Why would she want to use it? It's a great line. What if she used it like, and just in passing at a party, and of course, then he came up with a stupid thing, don't hassle the hoff. Oh, shit, I shouldn't have used it. I've used it. Oh, no. The phone starts buzzing. Oh, no. You know, because your phones pick up everything you say. He's on the other line.

I heard you use it. Yeah. So you know what? You know the rules. I'll be outside. I'll be outside. What are the rules? I don't know, but he's turning up. He's just gone. All right, Dan, I believe you have an update. Last episode, episode one of series 15, we spoke about the New Zealand wizard who had announced his retirement. Well, that was hot news at the time from a hot source, and it turns out that he said that a lot of it is nonsense. He says that the reports were greatly exaggerated, and he said that those reports have been put out by my enemies, of which I have millions. Oh, wow. Millions. Millions of enemies. Who's got millions of enemies?

Well, the wizard has. Well, we know now, won't we? And here's the thing. I feel bad that, you know, we've put out along with his enemies this information, particularly you, Dan, who obviously didn't do quite enough research on whether this information was, you know, good or evil. It turns out it's evil, and now we're being thrown in the bad basket. Well, thank God. Anyone who's listened to episode one and they've gone, no, I'm not. They're against the wizard. I'm out. Well, I feel sorry for you because you're obviously not listening now, and we're apologizing. But guess what? The great thing is, which Dan is a genius for, we've now got millions of more followers because of all of the wizard haters. They're all tuned into our show, and our listenership's gone through the roof. They've gone, yes. Wow. If anyone asks us what our main listenership is, we can say, well, now, since episode one of series 15, it's mainly wizard haters.

Literally millions of them. Until 30 seconds into episode two of season 15, when there's a dramatic drop, when they apologize to said wizard. Goodbye, wizard haters. Sorry. Thanks for the ride. That was amazing. We had millions of viewers and listeners, literally between episodes. I would love to visually see that or capture that. I guess someone did. I'm thinking David Hasselhoff. All the wizards get a buzzing on their phone. Oh, no, what's this? Hello, it's David Hasselhoff. You know what you've done. What do you mean? I'm outside.

You know the rules. Yeah, that's right. Oh, that's great. I think that wizard is literally going to be a wizard until the day he dies. And the truth is he's never going to die because even when he does die, I imagine it's something like Doctor Who. And that wizard of Christchurch is going to dissolve into the ground and be reborn as some new kind of wizard somewhere else. I'm sure that's how it works. So what does that mean? What does that mean for his apprentice who was kind of ready to take over? Well, he's wasting his time.

It sounds to me like that's a report that the apprentice has put out as the next level when really the wizard's like, no, I didn't say yes to this. I'm going to be wizard forever. You know, you don't retire. Wizards get better as they get older. Gandoff's like 300 years old. You don't retire at 60. You know, that's when you're just starting to really get to grips with your spells. Even his apprentice is one of his enemies. He has made a statement, the apprentice, just for the sake of not being sued by him. And so he says as well, he says, I don't think wizards are supposed to retire. I think they keep going until they fall off their perch.

But then he's added this really bizarre sentence, unless they go soggy on a woman. And then I'm afraid they've really had it. Watch out for those women. They're too good. Unless they go soggy on a woman. So he's sort of saying, you know, they distract you from your wizarding, but still at the same time, you know, you can have a good relationship with someone amazing. I don't think you can. I think he's right. I think what he's saying is, well, yeah, he's for wizards because he's saying basically unless they fall in love. I mean, he used rare, weird terminology, getting soggy on a woman.

That means you lose your powers because you fall in love. Nothing else matters. I mean, you guys wouldn't know either of you have fallen in love. But for me... I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting. I mean, you've all married and stuff and you've got kids, but when you actually fall in love, guys, it's a very different feeling. So you forget everything. What do you think I'm so forgetful all the time? I've got no idea. You lose your powers. Just quietly. I'm actually a wizard.

That's why I didn't fall in love. That's why I chose Michelle as my wife. So I wouldn't fall in love so that it wouldn't make me go soggy. We're in very dangerous waters here. I think we should back down. Back up, back up, back up. We actually love our wives. We're just joking. It's comedy. It's comedy. Oh, I'm getting a phone call. Oh, it's bloody hassle-hoff. Yep. I know the roles.

Oh, shit. He's outside. I'm sorry, I'm fast during comedy. That's not comedy. It is. It's sort of... Very, very in-house. Yeah, well, I know. I apologise and I didn't mean to... You should get back in there and never use my saying. Okay.

I'm nowhere near using his saying. Those are the rules. Those are the rules. Let's move into the weekly World Weird News. This is going nowhere. Weekly World Weird News. Crazy, freaky. Watch out. Guys, here's some headlines for you. Oh. Yep. It turns out we're all living in a giant deflated croissant.

That's a great headline. Great headline. What about for you, Dan? Wow. Scientists have recently discovered that radioactive fungi that was turned that way off the back of the Chernobyl explosion may be the key to getting us to Mars. Oh. Yeah. That's deep. It's very exciting.

That's biological. What have you got, Buttons? Okay, 400 foot ice ship. Hang on, I'll start that again. What was that? What was that, mate? It was so spooky, I couldn't even say it. Discovery of 400 foot ice ship on Google Earth

sparks conspiracy theories. Oh, yes. Okay, ice ship. Yeah, I saw this. I'm excited about that one. Good. Okay, well, you kick off with your one, Rhys. Okay, so scientists have determined the most likely shape of the heliosphere which surrounds the solar system. Generated by the Sun, this vast protective region

is made up of charged solar particles and magnetic fields which block some of the highly energetic cosmic rays coming from interstellar space. Now, for a long time, scientists believed that the heliosphere was most likely comet shaped with a rounded leading edge, but now a new study has cast doubt on this idea, instead suggesting that the shape of this protective region

may be far more strange and chaotic than previously realised. According to the team, the heliosphere may in fact resemble a giant deflated croissant. Which is basically a boomerang, right? That's a boomerang. Well, no, we're kind of, but definitely more croissant in its shape, so it's not flat.

It's full of air. When they say deflated, you can see that it's not a perfect croissant. It's probably one that's been in the warming rack for most of the day. We're inside there. I have to say, those croissants that have been in the warming rack for most of the day are often the best ones. Particularly when they've got the cheese and the ham in them and they've been sitting there and they're just like,

almost full of bits when you eat them. I'm hungry now. Well, the funny thing is, I actually love ham and cheese croissants and so I feel like I've always had a fascination with them. I felt like I had a connection and now I'm learning that it's because we're all living in one. I so wish you guys were journalists sitting in the press room when NASA comes out to announce this kind of stuff.

Can I get a question? Man over there from New Zealand, Leon. I'm really hungry. What sort of ham is in the croissant, sir? All right, so that's that. That's awesome. That's very cool. So Dan, what do you have?

Well, I found this really interesting story which is in 1991, so this is five years after the big nuclear reactor meltdown and explosion at Chernobyl nuclear power plant. Five years later, in 1991, they discovered this fungi that was growing and it was radioactive and it was sucking in the radioactive and that was helping it flourish, which is terrifying, just the idea that it was feeding off it and growing bigger.

Anyway, we thought, you know, go anywhere near that as a human. You're going to get really, really sick and possibly die of being around this kind of stuff. So recently, they've started looking at it and they sent a bit of it, a little extract of it, to space, to the ISS, because they wanted to see how it would react in space. And it turns out that in the way that plants will do photosynthesis

and take, you know, stuff with carbon dioxide in and push out oxygen, this thing is taking in the radiation, so the cosmic rays that do come to Earth, but it's converting it into sort of good energy. It's eating it in and so it's not spreading it. So scientists have realized that if they can break it down and take the main thing of why it's doing this, this plant,

they can apply it to a cost-effective, space-approved sunscreen for astronauts to wear when going out into space. So we could be flying out into space, wearing on our faces radioactive fungi extract from the Chernobyl nuclear power explosion to get us into the far reaches of space. And the best thing about it is the name of this fungi

is called Cryptococcus neoformans. It's a crypton. It's a crypton. Oh, my God. Right in the name. Cryptococcus. Yeah, we have it. Want to turn around for the whole Chernobyl incident.

It turns out it was a good thing. Maybe the one thing that might have been good that came out of it all these many years later, and if that's... Isn't that so bizarre that life can throw that at us? Who would have known this little fungi might be a sunscreen to take us into the farthest reaches of the universe? I thought you were going to say

that they were going to use the fungus powers to launch a rocket ship, or they was going to use fungus, like a fungi-type spaceship to get to Mars. And I was going to suggest that would be not a good idea, because I guess any type of fungi creating a ship will just... It won't...

Really, you're not going to... Well, put it this way. There's... No, how can I put this? I'm trying to develop this. I'm trying to develop this theory. I've got a theory. I thought you...

This is the edit point in now. Wow. I thought you were going to say that they were going to make a spaceship made out of fungi, which, as we all know, would be no good, because you're not going to get many astronauts in that. If you want to get... Oh, no.

I didn't get much sleep last night. Here we go. Here's another one. This is our edit in point here. I thought you were going to say that they were going to make a spaceship made out of fungi to get to Mars, and seems like an okay idea, but I'm thinking, oh, really?

Because we all know a spaceship out of fungi is really going to be mushroom. I'm so glad we got so many edit points in to get that, because that was really good. Oh, man. It does give good imagery, though. Cut to 10 years in the future, and we're on Mars,

and the astronauts are just rubbing fungi juice on their arms before they go outside. It's all from the Chernobyl. If the fungi just kept growing, and there's no human interaction, it would just cover the entire planet, and fungi. And, to be honest, it wouldn't be mushroom for us.

I've just got a phone call. Oh, it's Heselhoff. Yeah, I know. I was stupid. I thought it'd be a laugh. Yeah, outside. Okay. I know the rules. I'm coming. I'm coming. Heselhoff. I know. I've got nothing to do with you.

Just get back in there and just try her. Okay. Heselhoff. Man, he is keeping a keen eye on you, man. He's listening to this podcast before it's even been broadcast. He's just looking at me through the window. Go away!

Go check on your issues with your ex-wife. All right, what do you got? So my spooky, maybe not-so-spooky article is about a 400-foot ice ship that has been discovered by the magical powers of Google and these people that spend a lot of their time scrolling around looking at weird places like Antarctica and, you know, the tundra and stuff,

and they're just looking for anomalies. And this one guy has found, in the middle of the Antarctic ice shelf, what appears to be the outline of a ship stuck right in the middle of this massive ice floe and this ship is about 400-foot long. Wow. Okay. I have to say, you look at it and you kind of go,

yeah, it could be a ship. I think this is probably more likely another UFO in Antarctica. Oh, yes! And I'm just going to bring it up and share the picture with you. It's a reputable newspaper, too, the mirror. So this is going to be hard-hitting. Hey, they are the source of hours of entertainment.

What kind of source? Hot sauce! No, it's the Daily Mail. So the years. Oh, that's worse. Good. So just for context, Titanic was just under 900 feet, so this is sort of just half the length of the Titanic.

Wow. Because that's a big number, 400, but I didn't quite know how long that is compared to other ships. Oh, that's a good point of reference. That's still pretty big there. Well, for a ship that's not huge, for a UFO, huge, massive. Is that big for a UFO?

I don't know about that. I think UFOs have been way bigger than that. Oh, no, but it's bigger than like a small UFO. Are you still picturing the Jetsons where it's just George Jetson in his own pod? Sure. None of us have read Button's tiny book on UFOs, which is...

They don't get much bigger than that, described in his little book. Okay, so here's the pictures of the ship, guys. Oh, yeah, look at that. Oh, cool, yeah. So what do we think? Could that be... But if it is a ship, it's lying on its side.

Yeah, it's cap-sized, but that makes sense for why it would be there, right? Yeah, kind of. But there's conspiracy theories, a huge... People are starting to say that it's everything maybe from a secret Nazi base to an ancient civilization, and, you know, obviously a UFO.

Interesting. Yeah. You do get a lot of lost ships out there. They're constantly finding ships from explorers who were going out and doing early day trips. There's still some very famous boats that are missing. I've read one recently. Michael Palin wrote a book about Erebus,

which was a famous exploration ship, and they only found it a while ago, and it's stuck in between the ice. It's sort of been iced into this bit of the North Passage in the Arctic, and they can only go and see what happened and find out what happened to it at certain months of the year when the ice melts and it becomes watery again,

and they can go down for a couple of months, and then they have to get out because it all freezes back up again. So it's all these little windows of exploration time. So you do have all these boats and ships scattered all through these regions. Well, the thing that I don't get is, why doesn't somebody just like I want to do

fly down there? They fly down there all the time. Surely somebody can just do a low pass in one of those big planes that have the skis on it and go and check it out. What do you mean airplanes with skis? Is that a thing? Yeah.

Planes that land on ice have actual really big skis, plane skis, and they land on them. Plane skis. They're not special at all. They're just plane. They're just plane skis. Very good, very good. We're all having a go at the comedy this week.

You want to turn next, Dan? I've showed you how easy it is. No pressure. I've been saving the mushroom up for weeks when I found that story. Can't believe Darby got to it. I blew it, and it was so complicated I needed three takes to get it right.

It's not easy. We've got to up our game. If you see someone heading towards a comedy realm, you've got to stop them and go just before you launch into a joke here. I just want to, on behalf of the three of us, make sure that it's working. Wait, before you say it, is this just going to be a pun?

Yeah, it's going to be a pun. Okay, don't worry about it. Don't do it. That's going to have great delivery. The way I was going to do it, people are going to love it. No, it's so simple. Give us a couple of takes. Okay.

Okay, well, the reason why the show is called The Cryptid Factor is all about crypto zoology, about animals that are yet to be proven by science. Where are they from? Why are they here? What are they connected to? And why do only some people get the experience of witnessing them? Lucky bastards.

Yeah. Damn it. Attention, old personnel. It's time for this week's Cryptid... Help me! What do we have? It sort of came to mind, for me personally, that with the world being, for the most part,

locked down or certainly restricted in its movement, there's possibly less stories of strange phenomena coming out, because people in certain places are literally not going out because of the virus. So I don't know about you, but I found it a little more difficult to find cryptid news this week. But I did forget to mention a story last week, so I'll bring it up this time,

and it's more cattle mutilation. What?! Ooh. Yes. Can you? Adam and Eve it. And this is August News. So very, very fresh off the catalogue.

Wow. Yeah. I've got a recording here, because I think this person can, you know, speak better than I can, and I can't even do a Geordie accent. Now, before you go into that, we should probably detail what cattle mutilations are and why we're so excited about them,

because it may just sound like we're getting excited about somebody mutilating. All right. Well, let's have an editing in point here. OK. Buttons. Tell us a bit about cattle mutilations. They've been quite close to your heart, haven't they?

Yeah, I love cattle mutilations. They're my favourite thing. No, let me do that again. Now, just for those new listeners, yes, both of you, let us briefly give you a rundown on why we're fascinated with the tragedy of cattle mutilations. And you say tragedy, but they're actually very exciting, because as much as it's very sad for the cows

that have been mutilated, the fact is that these noteworthy cattle mutilations are noteworthy because they have been more surgically dissected. And there's a lot of people that say that the only explanation for them has to be aliens and UFOs and technology way more advanced than ours, because these mutilations have been happening for a very long time. The first cases of them are noted in the 50s and 60s,

where certainly they had no technology that would be able to do the precise work that has been done on these things. Things like half a beast where half of the cow is just completely normal. Totally not like it was just killed the day before, like it was. The rest of it, just the bones, the bleached white bones,

like bones that have been sitting out in the desert for years. And always a lack of blood. Lack of blood. And the precise cuts on the part where the beast ends and the bones start has been cut like with a laser. And this is in the 1960s. It's still happening today, and it's still unexplained. And many people have, including Linda Moulton Howe,

as we know, have put a lot of time and effort into investigating this phenomenon. And it still happens. There's still no guaranteed answers other than it's probably extraterrestrial. Here we go. Two more cattle have been mysteriously killed in rural eastern Oregon. This follows a number of unexplained killings of cattle

in the region over the past year. And here's an audio recording here of a reporter. Two more cattle have been killed in rural Oregon. Correspondent Anna King has been following these strange cases. A black-coated cow was found dead in July outside of fossil Oregon. She was sitting with her legs tucked under her, head off the ground, her eyes bulging out,

tongue and genitals gone. That follows another killing outside of Condon, Oregon, in March. A herford bull was found dead with its sex organs and tongue removed. It was lying on its side in an extremely remote draw. The rancher who found his animal described cuts so precise no blood was spilt on the bull's white underbelly.

Wheeler County Deputy Jeremiah Holmes says his department is trying to assemble a statewide task force. Hopefully the communication line will open up a little bit so that we will all be kind of aware of what's happening in other counties. Last summer there were five bulls mysteriously slain in Harney County outside of Burns. I'm Anna King.

Sorry, there we have it. Wow. It's crazy, the precision. I mean, I know about it, but like, you know, the legs folded back. Yeah. You know, if you were, there's pranking, and then there's that level where it's like,

you're disturbed if that's your idea of a prank. Yeah, exactly. It's a bit odd that knocks it out. You wouldn't look at that and go, oh, bloody kids. Yeah, there's been theories of there being cults, but then, you know, what goes against that is these high precision tools that are effectively lasers that are required for this type of behavior.

And your cults just aren't putting all their cash into high tech lasers from the future, I don't think. No. Now, Buttons, I think your mic isn't working. Oh, no, yeah, it's not. Yeah, I got nothing from you. I wondered why he's been quiet. He's not like talking to you.

He was talking the whole time. I think so. He was still telling us the history. Well, then, of course, in the 70s, there was... I think his own equipment has cut him off because it does get bored of him. It's got a setting built into it. It's got a failsafe.

Yeah, so when he starts to really button on, it buttons off. There he is. You're back. Sorry, guys. Sorry, I was telling you something really funny. Then I was just doing a joke. Oh, good.

And it seemed to cut me off for some reason. Have you downloaded some software to my microphone? That's our new anti-humour software we're working on. So if it doesn't recognise it as humour, it will cut you off, which I think is great. Yeah. Well, the thing is they keep... The most common part of these cattle mutilations

is they take the tongue and the genitals. So what's the theory of if it is being done by beings from another planet? What do they get? Is it just experimentation? Well, you know this. Buttons, buttons knows about this. Well, I've got my very strong theory on this.

And I'll expect to my favourite, of all favourite theories on UFOs and aliens, which is that they're time-travelling humans from the future and the reason why they need... I'm not so sure on the tongue. Maybe that's just a delicacy but actually it's like a meat trade and in the future there's no cattle

and they're coming back in time and taking these delicacies and taking them back to high-end restaurants for these people who pay a lot of money to eat cow tongue. If you're going back there, can you pick us up a couple of tongues, mate? I hear you're going back to 2020. Pick us up a couple of tongues

because I've got old Lord Muck and his two daughters turning up this weekend and God, they got a good tongue. No, that doesn't sound good but I'm talking a cow tongue, by the way. So, yeah. Historic cow tongue. Imagine that on the menu. Aged tongue.

Why not bring the full cow? Oh, too big, innit? The UFOs are too small. You've seen how small... Yeah, the UFOs are too small. You've seen that from Button's UFO knowledge. There's not mushroom in there. Oh, it didn't mute me.

So, it was a funny one. It was a good one. It all comes around, mate. But also... Throw your peas in the bowl. Not your keys. Your peas. And then shake the bowl up

and the peas will pop out later. Oh, they? I don't know what that analogy was all. Get your pee on. I should have been muted there. Yeah, I know. The software's not running. The semantic anti-joke software.

No, the analogy software is working well, actually. It allows a lot of metaphors and analogies. What a shame. But the other part of that is is that they believe that in the future we're going to be heading to the point where people can no longer breed or animals can no longer breed

because there's been so much interbreeding throughout the years and the population starts to... the genetic diversity narrows right down and it becomes very hard in the distant future to actually fall pregnant. And so, that's why they say that, you know,

that they're taking the genitals and what have you. So, they're taking the reproductive organs to maybe use parts of it or maybe reattach that to cows in the future. I don't know. Imagine science in, you know, 50 million years, for example. That's how it ties in with, I guess,

aliens being us from the future returning to basically just grab these things that we need that are alive or that are here at this particular time in our time. Yeah. Yeah. That's so cool.

Because, you know, if you have a car and it's broken down and you need to get a piece and they look at you and they're like, I've got to get that from Japan or I've got to... Yeah. That's the future version where it's like, I'm going to have to go back to the 21st century. God, okay.

It's going to cost you. It's going to cost you. That's going to cost you. That's so true. Okay, so Dan, have you got any crypto news? Yeah, I got some. Do you guys remember Jose Canseco, the American baseball player?

He was with the Oakland days. He was a big, big baseball player in his day. He was a two-time World Series winner. He was a rookie of the year in 1986. He was the most valuable player. And he was, when I was growing up, he was a big, big baseball player who had a bit of late career stuff with steroids

that he got in trouble for. But anyway, he's a very well-known name in baseball. And I read a tweet by him that he wrote in April of this year, which asked the question, can Bigfoot or aliens get coronavirus? I need to know because I've had contact with them. Now, it turns out that Jose Canseco is a big believer,

both of aliens and of Bigfoot. And not only that, he's been running an opportunity for people to go hunting with him around bits of the area that he lives, looking for Bigfoot. So there's actual Bigfoot hunts. And he himself has his own hotline. Wow.

So you can travel with him. It says for a mere $5,000 in cash. Oh, that's a steal. I guess. It's gonna be in cash. Yeah. In cash. In cash.

Go on a Bigfoot and Alien excursion with Jose Canseco. Contact Morgan Management. And then you call the listed number, and you get a text reply that reads, only five lucky individuals will get a golden ticket. Come on. Oompa-loompas ain't got nothing on Bigfoot. Travel in his custom RV.

You never know what's gonna happen with Mr. Canseco. No. Sounds a bit ominous. Come in my RV. You never know what's gonna happen in that RV. The $5,000. You'd be wanting something to happen in that RV. I'll tell you that much.

But yeah, so he's, what gets me about the tweet is he says, I need to know because I've had contact with him, which suggests he's had contact with both Bigfoot and Aliens since the pandemic began, but would also suggest he might have it coronavirus. But he doesn't specify. But he tweets about it all the time.

If you put in Jose Canseco in the word alien of Bigfoot, last year he said Aliens have been trying to teach us how to time travel, but first we have to change our body composition, which we are not willing to do. We have tried with animals and it has failed. Interesting. Yeah, so he's got a lot of thoughts about all this stuff.

When they say they've tried it with animals, did they try it with just the tongue and the testicles? Is that maybe what they... Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Exactly. It all ties in. When they say that, who's tried it with animals? Humans have or the aliens have? The aliens, I think, is what they're saying.

So maybe... Time traveling. Interesting. But what does he mean? We need to change our body composition, but we're just not willing to. That's like, well, I mean, I'm willing to. Just tell me how to do it.

But what if a time traveler comes back to you and says buttons, we want to bring you to the future? One condition, you can't bring your tongue or your dick. Those are the only two bits that don't really make it through the time travel portal. I'd do it. I'd do it. I'd do it.

Those are the two things that have got you into the most trouble in your life. Buttons. So I think you'd be better off without both of those things. That is so true. That is, unfortunately, so true. That's only interesting. And I'm keen to ring that hotline.

Same. I know. I know. I think we've got the number so we could try it. Well, if we can somehow wrangle $5,000, and then the three of us get to where he is and with the cold hard cash in a briefcase, unmarked bills.

And then, yeah, maybe he'll not only give us a good time in his RV, but maybe take us through to the other side and we'll see. Change our body composition. Now I just have to chop up your arm before you can meet the aliens. If they do call you buttons, just ask. So what's just about the body composition?

You're saying you want me to lose weight or is this more than that? I've already lost my dick and tongue. Is it because I'm not going to fit in the tiny UFOs? Is there a chance we can make the UFOs bigger? Is there any chance of that? Shall we just take out some of the fun guy? I'm sure I can fit.

I want to know, by body composition, does he mean we have to swap our arms for our legs? Is the layout of our bodies wrong? You've seen those things where they've done pictures of aliens, humans as we go further and further into the future, where if we go to space, something like a million years in the future, it's predicted a human will look like

a legless human with giant bicep arms. Because in space, legs are useless, right? You're not really walking around, you're floating everywhere, but these, you latch on to everything. So we're sort of these big, buff, arm-based bipeds. Well, no longer bipeds, we say bye to the pets. It didn't mute him! It didn't mute him! That was a good joke!

I think he was so quick with it. He was very quick with that one. Got past the system. I was thinking when you were saying that, that reminds me of E.T. Like, that's what he's got. He doesn't have legs, he's all body, and he's all arms, isn't he?

He is, with magic fingers. And a sort of giant hole in the space, not protecting his vital organs. Yeah, really odd. But so, Jose Canseco, just what I was saying, he doesn't just go in the RV and take you on big foot hunts. He also seems to give lectures. He tweeted in February 2019,

come play golf with me and learn about aliens and time travelling. So he must have sort of recreational days, where it's just lectures while doing a sport. He's monetising his hobby very well. We need to learn, we could learn a lot from Jose. You would say he's almost doing the opposite of us. See, we need to buy an RV, guys. If we just buy an RV, we can start making all the cash.

I bought a Land Rover, you know. I'm halfway there. I just think... I wouldn't feel comfortable by putting an ad out or a hotline out there and saying, hey, call me now, pay this amount of money, and you can spend the day with me, and I'll ramble on to you about bullshit.

Because, yes, we believe it, and it's fun to talk about it. But I guess, in one way, people are paying for their time, you know, of being in the company of someone who's, you know, amazing at baseball. But the other side of it is, and I see it a lot on Facebook and whatnot,

these people giving lectures, and you know, you can pay for it, and you're essentially buying someone's mind time, aren't you? Yeah, and they probably wouldn't have to pay a lot for mine, so probably not worth buying an RV for that. I think you'd pay them, so we should do the opposite, where we offer to pay people.

For our mind time. Yeah, if you want to spend a day with us, we'll give you these packages, we'll give you this $10 package, where we will pay you $10, and you can spend an hour with us. But if we give you $200, you get to spend the whole day with us.

Well, I've got the number here, this is an American number, 702-374-3735. And I think the expedition's done, but it'll be interesting to see if you call up the hotline, whether or not there's more expeditions happening. Why don't I dial it now, because the listeners are going to want me to dial it now. Let's do it.

I'll just see what they say. You might get through to a man called Morgan, or it's a voicemail, or let's see. Or a non-palupa. All right, here we go. Do you know the one thing with that is, is that it would be fine if it wasn't an RV. If it was like, come on my luxury bus,

or come to a hotel, but come away with me, and I've got five spots in an RV, five, six people, including Jose, in an RV, that's either a big RV, or everybody's living on top of each other. Oh, we'll call it now, here we go. This is the first time we've actually done an actual phone call.

Normally it's Reese making the sound of a phone. This is exciting. I'm really nervous. Wow, that was a real downing. What? I can't even go on an RV. So that's a Vegas number. But that's also the same number for his just general appearances.

That's just Morgan's number. That's not even a hotline, it turns out. And Morgan, by the way, is sitting pretty in Vegas, in a massive office, obviously, and he's just rolling in cash, and he's going, oh, here we go. What's this phone call going to be? Oh, my God. Let's give it one more try.

This is so thrilling. What's going to happen? And for those that are just tuning in now, we are currently calling Morgan in Las Vegas, who we believe runs Jose's UFO Bigfoot. Damn it! Oh, you know what, guys? What?

Oh, no, I was going to say it's Sunday. It is Sunday here, isn't it? Yeah. Maybe I'll give it another bail tomorrow and record myself doing it during the day. Well, he's no doubt going to be calling you back now. He's got your number. He's going to be hassling you.

Until you give him 5K in a suitcase, he's just going to keep going and keep going. Oh, I hope he does. Do you know what? This is the one benefit of having David Hasselhoff living outside your house. It's going to be a David Hasselhoff and Jose off. Yes.

I think so. Don't hassle the whole Z. No, it doesn't quite work, does it? Careful. You'll get a phone call, mate. All that's left to say is, I guess, look after yourselves. You know, if your phone starts buzzing,

don't answer it. Other than that, I'll catch you all next week. Yes, you will. Sometimes I sort of take over like I'm hosting this thing and these guys are just my guests. It's pretty much it. Someone's got to drive the bloody jeep. Exactly.

It's like you guys are in the back just reading magazines. And I'm heading to the front line where the dimension is going to be opened up and you're just in the back going, oh, yeah, there's a good article. Come on, guys. We're just about there, mate. Come up to the front of the cab. We're sitting there going, hey, can you pull over some time?

I need to go toilet. Yeah. We're nearly to the end of the world. Can we bring our tongue and dicks with us? Yes. Before we go through, everyone needs to cut their dicks off and their tongues, OK? That's not fair.

So I can tell you when you're going to cut your tongues off. Otherwise, I won't be able to speak. The last we saw of the Crypton Factor crew was a beaten up Land Rover with three penises and three tongues sitting on the seats, a couple of old magazines, and an out-of-phone message from Hasselhoff on Rhys Darby's phone telling him, you know the rules.

One out. You