The Cryptid Factor - 45: #045 The Thought Train issue

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

This packed episode sees Dan regale us with the mystical beginnings of the Cryptid Factor theme tune, whilst Rhys misses the Thought Train and Buttons cracks the mystery of the stolen Ninja safe! All this along with messing with Mozzie DNA, Nessie hunt results, ET sponges, ancient Cryptozoology and London under threat of losing its ravens!

The Cryptid Factor with Rhys Darby and Dan Shriver The Cryptid Factor with Rhys Darby You know that theme song still gives me the chills, guys. It's beautiful. Apart from the fact that it's missing something. It's just missing a little something. What could it possibly, that's perfect, that tune. It's unbelievably perfect.

I mean, what more could you want? Oh, you could probably want all the names of the people. Let's move on, Dan. Time to move on. What? What have we got? Welcome to the Cryptid Factor. Week three, can you believe it? Wow.

Three weeks in a row. This is unprecedented. It's almost news in its own right, let alone the show being great. It is. It's just actual news. They've done it. Yeah.

Three weeks. They've done it. They've done three in a row. This is probably a record for us, actually. Now that we've done three shows, we get a year off. Don't have to do that for many years. That's good. Get them all out.

Bang, bang, bang. What are you talking about, fans? We did three. We did three in a row. What board do you want? Hey, speaking of the theme tune, I received an email from the composer of the theme tune really recently.

Hugo Shepard is his name. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I thought I was expecting this email. Is he wanting his money? He's finally... Unfortunately, we cannot afford to go on. This is a goodbye episode.

Oh, no. Oh, wow. Yeah, $7 million. $7 million is what he wants. Well, hang on. Unbelievable. How much is that per theme tune? I mean, we've only done 14 podcasts.

I mean, is that like... Well, it doesn't matter. It's neither here nor there. What matters is that he has said, I'm guessing, that we could drop one cast member to carry on. So, unfortunately, Budden's this could be it. The theme song is more important than you. Without the theme song, we're nothing.

The theme tune is the only good thing about the show. Wow. A lot of people just listen to the theme song. Not many people know, but when we do a vote for where we want to take the show, the theme song has a vote in that vote. And always that number button. Oh, good.

It's just the story of my life. Anyway, I got this email from Hugo Shepherd, the composer along with Ash Gardner, who produced it. And what's wonderful is, you know, we love the world of Mystic and the oddities and the weirdness of life. And back in 2009, I wasn't part of the show.

It was you two, David Farrier, and I was friends with you, Rhys, and I said, would you like a theme tune for your show? I have a friend who's very good at composing music. You said, absolutely. I told him about this. He composed the song, sent it to you, and it came the show's song.

And he only very recently messaged me about the actual circumstances of the composition of the show. Oh, wow. And it's just wonderful when a show like this connects to the bizarreness of the universe. So I'm going to read you this email. Hi, Dan.

Buttons. Can you put some nice scary music underneath this just to give it a full effect? Hi, Dan. It was the winter of 2009. I was at my parents' house in the countryside for the weekend, but the theme tune for Cryptid Factor was urgently needed because the podcast was being launched in a few days.

So I went to the local village church and wrote the theme tune on the church's organ. Wow. I remember I had gloves on while I was playing because the church was fucking freezing. My first attempts were dull and listless, but then suddenly it was as though a door in my mind opened and through that door came the Cryptid Factor theme tune,

fully formed. Oh, wow. Trumpet sounded as tears sprang to my eyes and I felt that some unseen choir was singing to me as in a dream. The voices were unlike anything I'd heard before, intoxicating, but somehow awful in human. Also, the strangest thing,

when I finished the final corrections and got up to leave, I saw that the candles on the altar behind me had been lit, so as far as I knew, I was completely alone in the church. My eyes traveled up to the stained glass window where the Madonna and child were depicted and I noticed that the Christ child looked hairier than usual. What? What?

How hairier is the Christ child normally? I left the church in a hurry and three days later, the podcast came out. That's the story of our theme tune. That's amazing. That is so cool. It's supernaturally inspired. Candles lit behind him.

Madonna and the child got hairier. He felt a door open that he'd never experienced before. That's astonishing. I have to say, ever since I heard the theme tune on the very first episode, I was like, this is too good for us. It genuinely felt so inspired. You're like, what is this?

It's epic. To know that it actually has mythical beginnings as well, that it came to him almost as a dream. It's terrifying. And a church organ. How wonderful is that? It's a real hybrid of spiritualism and opening a door to complete open-mindedness,

which is very anti-religion, because especially in the church, you've got the rules and the way things were, and that's gospel, and there's no two ways about it. But then you opened up your mind, and then perhaps there's more than what we see on the surface. And as he gets up and the lights have come on, that's kind of a signification of,

hello, open your eyes, the lights have appeared. And then a hairy Jesus. I mean, it's like, yeah, there's more to life than what we're told. A hairy baby Jesus, even at that. It's beautiful. That's exactly in our realm. How did it get hairier?

And then how did it become unhairier? This is just what he saw, you see. It's what he saw. It's what he felt. The emotion provoked it. It's like a baby Sasquatch. Baby Sasquatch. That's amazing.

That's cool. Buttons, you might be interested in the final line of this email. It says, best wishes Hugo, P.S., as composer, I'm going to weigh in and say that Buttons is my favorite, and... You don't need to add that. That's not what he wrote. I love Hugo.

And he should definitely have his name in the titles. So, clearly, not a man of good judgment. Clearly, this guy is often... He's inspired. He is truly... He's connected to some higher... Dan, can you delete that email? Just delete.

We've kind of heard from the guy now. Yes, he made a theme tune. You know, get over yourself. Let's move on. He is... Hugo is clearly connected to some higher level of reality. If he can see me for who I truly am, then he's operating in a completely different dimension.

Yeah? Well, I reckon I should put it out there. I know we're rambling now, and the listeners, if this hasn't been edited out, which I'm sure it isn't, because I heard the last podcast, and he doesn't edit out much. That... Now, I've lost my train of thought. Oh, God, I'll have to wait for it to come back again.

Choo-choo! Oh, good day, mate. Take the splits, please. Oh, fuck. Where's my ticket? Oh, and I haven't got one. By the way, that was a weird way for a train to stop. I don't know why... That was a weird one.

He's hitting off. Hang on. Woooop. Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. Oh, it's taken all your thoughts away. Great to tell you to come back! Hey, come back, my thoughts! Screw your thoughts! This show is going to be ruined now.

Reese is going to have no thoughts. Well, you know what, I actually... I don't even know what I was talking about there. That was a whole bit for nothing. I had something... My bloody thought train went off track. That was weird. Let's get on with the show.

Weekly World Weird News. Crazy. Freaky. Watch out. Well, it's another week of weird news. Big surprise there. But what do we have? There's a release of 750 million genetically modified mosquitoes

happening very soon. And apparently it's a good thing. Actually, I have a very, very good... Well, I believe a very, very good invention around mosquitoes and releasing mosquitoes genetically modified. So, we'll let you do your news later,

and then I will give you my genius idea. Dan, what's your headline? My headline is thanks to our current global situation, the pandemic, the London ravens are disappearing. Which might mean that

London will fall. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's pretty terrifying. This scares me. They're disappearing. Okay, well, I'm looking forward to hearing that. What have you got, Buttons? Okay, I've got

contents of Mysterious Safe on New York Farm to remain mystery. Ooh. There you go. I'm going to have to talk about that article. You've just described it. The mystery's going to remain.

No, but I know what the mystery is. Oh, wow. I have found the answer, and I'm going to be the first in the world to reveal what is in the safe without even looking at it. Oh, that is exciting. You're one first. Yeah, so we all love mosquitoes.

One of the world's most popular things. I particularly hate them because I don't know about you guys, but I'm one of these guys that, yeah, they really attract to. And I sort of go up in welts with their bites. It's something about what's in my blood.

I'm too sweet. I don't know. It's your biological makeup quite often, depending on how badly you get bitten by these things. Always the female mosquitoes that bite, of course. They attract it to you, are they? Yeah, it's always the chicks.

They attract me to bites. Ow! It's time for the mosquitoes to go. This comes from BBC. OK, so you know it's legit. 750 million insects released in the US state

of Florida coming up. This is the idea. And this, by the way, has been condemned by environmentalist groups as a Jurassic Park experiment. So people are worried because why would you release 750 million more

mosquitoes? Well, here it is. So basically, these mozzies are genetically modified to carry a certain protein which, when the mozzies mate will be passed down to the female and

will actually end up stopping the female mozzies from growing into adulthood. Thus getting rid of the population of mozzies. This is really, really important. So if it works, isn't it amazing now that we're genetically modifying tiny little things like that

and releasing them to control nature? I think that controlling element of nature is what does freak people out. But of course, mosquitoes carry so many bad diseases and are real, I think it's something like 100 million

human deaths a year due to mosquitoes. 100 million? Yeah. Don't quote me on that but pretty bad. What are your ideas on this, guys? Well, this is, I actually have

an invention which I've been sitting on for a while and I'm worried about revealing it here because I know somebody will steal it. Okay. But. Every time. So much genius to contain in this one body. Do you think people like Elon Musk

or you know, I'd love to know if they're listing in. Every way because they'll be like, buttons will have another invention or a movie idea. I mean, all Hollywood execs, all the inventors. And actually, they're just trying to enjoy the show but Budden keeps

throwing up these amazing ideas and they're like, Jesus Christ, dude, I'm just trying to listen to a podcast here. I need to know, Payton, you're a brilliant idea and make a billion. Yeah. Oh, dude. That's fine. All I just want to be immortal through an invention that so Elon he can take all the ideas. I just want him to call

like, maybe he can call these the Leon mosquitoes, the Leon skitos or something. Oh, okay. Such a good name. It's right up there with that terrible movie name from Dan from that other week. What was it?

Oh, my God. It's huge. And also the Leon mosquitoes. The Leon skitos. Leon skitos. You guys should definitely never work together as writers. Well, there'll be a sequel

with the two mesh and it's par Leon mint. Attack of the Leon skitos. Yeah, Leon mosquitoes. Attack par Leon mint. All right, you guys have both gone off my tracks again here. So let's get that terrible train back on

and you carry on. Okay. Well, my invention what is a mosquito other than just a small injection, right? Oh, yeah. Can I just stop you there?

Isn't it the opposite of an injection because they stick in and then they suck out your blood? Yeah, they suck out your blood but then they put in the itchiness is when they put in a little bit of thing to seal up the blood they just inject a little bit of their juice, whatever that is.

And all I'm saying is if we swap that juice out for something useful like vitamin C when none of us get enough vitamin C. Brilliant. So we have these mosquitoes going around and biting us and sure they can take some blood, we've all got enough blood have the blood just

instead of putting that itchy juice in there, put a bit of vitamin C or something nice or maybe what else do you need injections for? Maybe some sort of antibiotic or something like that. I don't know. Well, men's multi.

You know. Exactly. I'm picturing I'm picturing when the school goes ahead in the next year or so now that you've put it out there and someone's going to create it. I see mosquitoes that are painted orange for vitamin C. So when you're having

a barbecue, if you see orange runs flying around again. Yep. Have a bite, mate. I haven't had me haven't had me vit C today. Have a hoon. Have a hoon. Have a hoon on my forearm. Men's multis, maybe some slightly bigger mosquitoes that have got the men's

multi vitamins in them. That's what that's. I'm telling you that's how we're going to make our millions, guys. That's how we're going to do it. We are not. Yeah. But you're not too far off the track there. Because

that's exactly what they're doing right now. They're getting these tiny things in there and they're modifying them. See, somebody's stolen my idea already. Before you had it. You stole my idea before I even had it. So let me tell you, if you do that again, mate.

Stop stealing all my ideas. Well, the other bit of mosquito news is that the Mississippi flag which has the Confederate logo on it at the moment. Obviously, that's not good and they want to swap that out.

So they put out a little bit of a flag competition. I remember when we almost had our flag changed to a Kiwi with laser eyes. Due to a typo, one of the official state flags that actually got

through for people to vote on was basically just a mosquito on a big white flag. Yeah. So people could officially vote to have a mosquito flag. Can I ask a quick question? Can you say typo?

What word was slightly spelled differently, that giant mosquito? This is the south, right? So maybe it was the word mosquito. They're into their wood chips and their grill barbecues, aren't they? It was probably a mosquito chips flag idea.

Oh, yeah. Well, I could barbecue. Absolutely. I'm voting for the mosquito. I think it's mosquito. Oh, is it alright? Well, I don't like those. What about some mosquito chips on them? Oh, yeah, maybe.

Maybe you had a lot of protein in the mossy though, is there? No, but if you had a lot of them. I don't know who this guy is. He's the train driver. I'll eat my mosquito pie if he's got a bit of art machine there now. He's actually aged

over the over the last few sentences. You okay? Oh, okay. I had too much mosquito pie. I think I'm going to die. This is the first sketch ever where the character is aging so quickly if he's dead before the sketch ends.

Oh, guys, I've got some shocking news. He's just passed away. Oh, I know. What? That wasn't the machine. That was his last breath. Oh, being the thought train driver, it makes sense that the last breath sounds

like a whistle. Yeah, if I end up being a train driver before I die, my last breath is going to be I'm going to go doot doot doot and then the last bit of shot shot shot shot.

He's gone. He passed away the way he wanted to as a train also doing impression of a machine. He ran out of steam. Oh, that's great for the tombstone. He finally ran out of steam. He ran out of steam.

Train driver Rhys Darby after a 65-year career in comedy, and the last two years as a train driver just for that one ending joke, which was as mediocre as this comedy's ever got. He'll be sadly missed, like the trains that don't come in the right tracks for his comedy. Okay, go. I thought the idea we'd get a sketch out of Rhys where the character dies and we just have to go through Rhys organising the funeral. I can't wait for the will to be ridden. What am I going to get?

What am I going to get? I don't know how far things get taken. All right, well, what else we got? Well, I was mentioning before about the idea that the Tower of London is in an interesting situation as a result of the pandemic, which is they are the sacred keepers of London remaining the juggernaut that it is globally. There is a myth that if the Tower of London loses its ravens, its local ravens, London will fall.

This has been a thing that has been a part of London mythology for a very long time. Now, I happen to know the raven master of the Tower of London, who's called Chris. Chris, his job, literally, he lives in the Tower of London in the actual premises and his job is to train the ravens, to feed them, to look after them, to make sure they're happy. And unfortunately, due to the pandemic, tourist numbers are very down at the moment, which means that the ravens are now leaving the Tower of London because they're very bored. They're just so bored now. Now, they used to be very fulfilled of their time by the fact that there were lots of overflowing

bins where they could go and jump and pick bits of trash out of them and so on. The numbers of the tourists that are visiting the Tower of London, which would usually within a day go beyond 15,000 people, are now fewer than 800 people. So the birds are bored and they're flying off. Now, to prevent the idea that more than six ravens would leave the Tower of London at a single time, which is the number of ravens that it has said that would sort of crash London. They have six, but they also have a spare raven. But a lot of these ravens are disappearing at the moment.

And even the spare raven can't make up for the numbers that are that are sort of flying off. It's just the raven that's on the bench. There's the bench. Oh, Elf, you're up, mate. I knew my day would come. I knew my day would come. Yeah. Where's that trash? Where's the trash?

Oh, there's no trash. I'm off. Yeah, it's not as busy as it's meant to be, is it? It's not busy. No, well, everyone's left. Oh, I finally get my chance and there's no one here. So, yeah, so it's we're getting we're getting to an interesting situation where we're getting to watch the reality of the idea of the myth play itself out. And yeah, we're told we're told about this myth and Chris is keeping the ravens there.

He's doing his job, but it's it's looking a bit dodgy at the moment. We might see them leave and we're going to experience and I live in London. This is where I'm recording this podcast from. I might, you know, next week be reporting from a desolate, post-apocalyptic raven this London. Can you do it? Can you do us a favor, Dan? And can you be can you be on Raven Watch?

Yeah, because I want to know what the numbers are and whether they're diminishing each week throughout this series, because by the end of this series of however many episodes we do, we might find that the last raven has flown and therefore that's the end of the world. Yeah. Do you know what we need, guys? Is we need more ravens and more ravens. No, 14,300 more tourists.

If you say vitamin C injecting mosquitoes, I will not know what we need. The cryptic factor needs some kind of animal measurement like the Tower of London to predict our downfall. So like we need a certain sort of way to be able to go, you know, if if there are less than five rats in my shed, then the the show is going to fail. You're going to make up your own scale. No, the raven thing's been around for thousands of years.

You can't just suddenly write and make it up five rats, guys. If there's five rats here, we're all good. If one goes, we're going to lose a listener. I'd had to start somewhere, didn't it? The the the the thing. Yeah, the prophecy had to start from somebody going, I prophesied. And it's about time I prophesied something. Everybody's been waiting for a prophecy from me.

All right. Who's been waiting for that? Who's waking up every day going, oh, it's beautiful out, but I can't wait for a prophecy from that guy Leon in his shed. I hope it involves rats. So what buttons? What's your story? So my story is, as we said, the title kind of says most of it, which is the contents of a mysterious safe left on a New York farm is going to remain a mystery.

So a farmer in a New York state property and a place called Barry of all things. Nice. Woke up one morning to find a massive safe, just randomly in the middle of one of his fields. And he went up to it and said, that's weird. That wasn't there yesterday. And then there's a little note attached to it, a little note to sellotape to it, which simply said, if you can open this,

you can have what's inside. That's it. And this town, Barry, is super small. It's like there is there is isn't even a shop or a service station. It's like in the middle of nowhere, middle of upstate New York. And it's safe, just appeared. Yeah, just appeared. Unfortunately, what happened is that all the locals heard about it. And whilst it was sitting there before he actually got to moving it somewhere,

people were coming around trying to smash and get into it. And they smashed off the handle and they, they, you know, they smashed off the little dial that you which is stupid. Like, how are you going to get into it if there's no dial handles? So but they got the crowbars and tried to. Well, it sounds like to me, a whole bunch of people have not seen the Thomas Crown affair. I mean, what's the small town? You know, they don't even have TVs, I don't think.

So so it's there. It's it's incredibly safe. That's the I guess the idea of a safe. Are you telling me the safe is incredibly safe? Well, news alert. Well, but the interesting thing is the farmer, which I really love this this angle that he's taken on it, as he's gone, you know what?

I'm not going to open it. We're going to leave it and it's going to go. He says it could be holding millions of dollars or it could just be a bunch of confetti in there. But if we leave it sealed up and if we never open it, nobody will ever know. So somebody's putting together a museum there in the small town and they're going to put it in the museum

and it is going to become like a legend, I guess. Do you know there was a story last year in Alberta, Canada? They have in a museum, I think it was in a museum. They had a safe that for 40 years has not been opened and they've had everyone come in, master crackers of safes and so on. And they say, go up and have a bash. And this guy went up and on his first go, he just did a random combination and he opened it on his first go.

Yeah, that is awesome. 40 years. Yeah, it's one sitting there and he managed to open it. And inside it, they found a pack of cigarettes. They found the part of the order for a restaurant and a and a receipt for a mushroom burger. Oh, 40 years, 40 years. Yeah, that's awesome. That's amazing. What it would have been better that that was stayed shut, right?

It's like. But I think it's a cool story that someone just pure by chance cracked it with a random combination. Yeah. Well, the one thing is, unfortunately, the contents of that safe, although they wanted it to remain a mystery, I actually have the answer of what's inside it. And I know. Oh, do you? Exactly what's inside it. Yeah.

And I'm quite surprised nobody else has figured this out because this article is from a news site called UPI. And just further down from that story is another story. And this reveals to me that the contents of the safe is nine thousand four hundred and seventy dollars Oh, because only a few days before that news article, there's a headline, which is stealthy thieves steal three hundred and thirty pounds safe from Ninja Museum.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So a Japanese museum dedicated to the history and practices of the ninja was targeted by thieves who apparently knew something of stealth and speed themselves. They stole the safe and inside it, the museum said was nine thousand four hundred and seventy dollars. And they believe the thieves got in and out of the museum with this three hundred and thirty pounds safe within three minutes.

Wow, incredible. That's fast. So my theory is is that they stole it, couldn't open it and went, you know what? Why don't we take this to America, dump it out the back of somebody's field and leave it as a big mystery. Oh, OK, that's a good theory. And I and I'm picturing because this was in Japan that they, you know, did a getaway fly like a getaway car, but it was a plane.

And then they dropped it from the plane and it landed in a field. Yeah. Hoping that it would crack open from the landing. Yeah. And they land nearby and they ninja out and they cruise over to the paddock. Yeah. Oh, it's still not open. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And I'm allowed to do that impression because I've been to Japan.

Exactly. And then they just left it to the local neighbors or the farmer went, hey, ninjas, get off my property. That that bloody safe smine now. And they quickly sell a tape note to it saying, yeah, we'll screw you. If you can open it, you can have what's inside. Yeah. Ran. Yeah.

Hang on, you you're a shit burglar if your only strategy after successfully robbing a ninja museum in three minutes of its safe, is that the only attempt to open it is to drop it from a plane onto the ground. Then go, well, we tried. No, we tried to crack it in the plane on the way from Japan the whole way. Oh, they were trying to crack it. Crack it, and they just went, ah, screw it, and pushed it out. Yeah, drop it out.

All right. So frustrated. Well, that's great that that's been solved. We've solved another case. Yeah, well done. Well done, everyone. Yeah, well done. Okay, shall we move on to the world of monsters and cryptozoology?

Yes. Attention, all personnel, it's time for this week's cryptid. Anything at all this week? Well, I've got, I've got some sad news. Oh, I think you've done enough talking for a bit. Now, what I've come up with here is get this, alien-like creature resembling E.T. discovered on Pacific Ocean floor. What?

Yeah. How does that sound? That sounds delightful. Don't get too excited. It is nothing more than a sponge. One of those E.T. merchandise you used to be able to buy, an E.T. sponge. No, it's a freaky looking sponge with a long stalk and a head that comes out the top of it, and it's sort of got holes in it that look like eyes.

It actually looks like E.T. You see that? Oh, wow. That is very E.T.-esque. Now, it's called the Advena Magnifica. I think it comes from, it says down here, it's French or Latin, but it means Magnificent Alien. So look at that.

So that was found. Yeah, 2.4 kilometers down. So right on the seafloor in a place called the Forest of the Weird. Forest of the Weird. That's where I like to hang out. Yeah. That's my place. Yeah.

The thing is, for those that can't see this because they're listening, there's a picture of what is, it looks like E.T.'s head on the end of a big long white stalk. Yeah. And it's beautiful. And then there's a few other weird looking things in the background. Yeah, the guy photobombing behind is very alien-like. It really is an amazing alien world down there, the deeper we go, and this comes up all the time, the amount of new species that are found

in the deepest, darkest depths of the ocean. That's very cool. That's awesome. I have to say, though, it doesn't really look like E.T. It looks... Not overly. No, E.T., if you remember him, had a whole, sort of, a body with arm and legs, and quite a lot of things that humans do.

Here's the thing, I think scientists haven't got much of an imagination, because think about it, they're so stuck in their head with their figures and their facts that they can't see the wood for the trees. And especially those forest scientists. I mean... Forest scientists, they can't see the algae for the seaweed. No, how does it go? But look, made for a good headline, and I think that's a little point to it as well,

is like, we can say something's alien-like and we'll get the clicks. Anyway, I've got a new story to give you guys. This was published very recently, I read this in sci-fi wire. 44,000-year-old cave painting proved we've believed in cryptids as long as that. 44,000 years ago. Really? Yeah. It basically shows that there's been art sitting on walls where people have been describing

human, animal hybrids in the way that we talk about Bigfoot and Yeti. We don't know the origins of how they evolved. Are they connected to us evolutionarily, or are they separate to us entirely? Yeah, over 44,000-year-old cave paintings in Indonesian islands of Sulawesi. That's my pronunciation, it might be pronounced differently by the locals. But we found the oldest example of rock art that shows evidence of humans believing in a species that not necessarily everyone else believes in, that they've seen and trying to describe.

And that's just recently been discovered. Exactly. Or just something that sits outside the description of things. If you were describing a Yeti, really, that's no different from an orangutan or a chimpanzee if you were ready to accept that, but most people aren't ready to accept that, but we're ready to accept that there's a thing called a chimpanzee. That's what they were doing. And the image 44,000 years ago was a thing called, again, pronunciation, very difficult.

Therian throats. Right. It's part animal, part human. It's a hybrid of the two, which they felt necessary to carve with paint onto a rock. And from the scientists who published it in Nature, which is a extraordinarily reputable science paper, they said the images of therian throats may also represent the earliest evidence of our capacity to conceive of things in the natural world.

I've edited out the words that do not exist, because I think that was a misquote from them. A basic concept that underpins modern religion, so the idea that it's something that has led to an explosion of the brain, which is beyond basic explanation, which is what religion was. Religion was explaining our bigger belief that something is happening out there. It's a reason for us to be here and where we're going and where we're hitting. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's looking at the image of it. It looks slightly like a unicorn slash goat slash horse. It looks like a four-legged beast with a horn on the top of it. And yeah. So as far back as 40,000 years ago, we were talking about mysterious beasts. That's amazing. And makes total sense.

And the fact that we are still talking about them, still trying to solve what the other is and where it comes from and what it wants. Is it extraterrestrial, interdimensional? Is it just simply hidden? Which as the years go on, it seems less and less likely that these creatures are just managing to avoid us. That's cool. Hey, is there any more cryptid news?

Well, yeah, I just have. It's like your little rant about scientists and their purpose in the world was leading me perfectly into my sad piece of news. And the fact that a scientist, even worse than New Zealand scientists, has finally killed off the chance of the Loch Ness monster being scientifically proven. What? Yeah. Well, this is what they say.

Yeah. So Neil Gamble, his research has been released. OK. And it's not great news for Nessie because there certainly wasn't any unequivocably solid proof that there was something in there that was unknown. It says that it's most likely, if Nessie was anything at all, it's most likely a giant eel. And then itself, if it is a giant eel that is as big as people have witnessed,

then that's still an amazing cryptid, right? It doesn't matter what it is. Yeah. As long as we can prove that there is something. I'm a bit of a believer in that hypothesis, too, the giant eel situation. Yeah. That would have to be real big, real big eels that are hidden down there. But anyway, carry on.

The research that they did, they basically went and did this. Dan, you can probably explain it a lot better than me. But they... I imagine you could. They... You go for it. You go for it. OK.

I'll go to go. No, I can't. I think the audience wants to hear Buttons attempt it. OK. So what they did, they took a whole bunch of samples from around the lock, and then they put it through a fandangled machine and did some... And that's the official name. Put it through the fandangled machine.

They're on fandangled. Now that's a great name for a machine. Anyway, so they took over 201-liter samples and then took it, brought it all the way back to New Zealand and then basically looked at everything. This sampling, this E-DNA, they call it, environmental DNA, they basically get a complete list of everything that lives in that water. They can figure out exactly what's in there,

what's been in there in the past, and what's living in there. Yeah. Is that right, Dan? That's sort of generally... I... Yeah, you're nailing it. I have to say, I was really hoping you'd cock this up, but you're nailing it. Yeah.

It's exactly that. It's because I'm reading from an article from theconversation.com. So there you go. The study detected over 500 million individual organisms in the lock and 3,000 species. And Neil Gemmel, who's from the University of Otago here in New Zealand, he led the study and he said there are no DNA sequence matches for shark, catfish, or sturgeon. And that rules out a large exotic fish living in the lock. There are DNA matches for various land-living species that you would expect that sort of

go into the lock every now and then, including badgers, deer, rabbits, and different birds. Sheep and cattle and dogs appear, and that suggests that the sampling is obviously very good at picking up things that only really just go into the water. So it should, they say, be able to detect if there's a monster or something like a plesiosaur or something like that. Of course, but I think that theory sort of dissipated a long time ago, the plesiosaur. And this is great just to interrupt, because I was drifting off while you're talking, but I think just to bring the audience back, yeah, I mean, sure, they've done a great thing.

And it is a process of elimination, which is a great scientific project. That's what scientists do. And we do that too in the New Zealand Army, when the cables don't work, and we can't get the radios working. We use a process of elimination. And that's right. How often do the cables not work? Back in the day, all the times, the commanding officer would come into my tent and say,

Darby, the radios are not working. Use your process of elimination quickly. And I'd be standing there holding my handset, and it's not plugged in. And I'd be looking at him going, solved it! Anyway, so I digress. Well, the one thing with Gemel, he did say, just to leave just a little bit of magic and plausibility in there, he did say that there is still uncertainty in his test. He says that seals and otters are two species that are known to appear in the lock,

at least occasionally, and they weren't detected. Oh, that's odd. I know. So there is still a chance that Nessie's just was clever enough to not shed some DNA in those different spots. Yeah, right. But then also, 20% of the DNA collected was unexplained. And he says that's normal for an eDNA study, but it does leave room, obviously,

for the lock response. So I'm like, 20% is pretty high. That's really high. I was like, well, there's a 20% chance that I actually have really good ideas. And listen, that's true. And I give 20% tips. And I'm telling you now, here in the States, that's a good tip. And it always leaves me low in the wallet.

See? So 20% is quite high. If I'm not recognized, by the way, at a restaurant, the tip does drop to 15. Is that right? Oh, yeah. It's a guarantee. Oh, what kind of recognition do people need again? Oh, I just enjoy your work, Mr. Darby.

There you go. Yeah. A compliment here or there couldn't go astray for an extra percentage. And I often say that on the way out. How was the milk? Lovely. What was with the 16% tip? Well, 1% more than I usually give, having realized you didn't recognize me,

either way, you did compliment my t-shirt on my exit. I complimented your t-shirt, not you, you asshole. Well, this is fantastic. We've also, you know, drifted down another track on that mystery train, heading off into some weird direction of tipping percentages. But what a fantastic show. I just want to wrap things up tonight with thinking about technology, where it's taking us and also thinking about cryptids and putting these two together and

doing something I haven't done for a while on the show. And that's read and extract or excerpt. Exit. Yeah, I think I used to call them. Today, I'll be reading an excerpt from Doctor Who and the Abonable Snowman. Oh, yes. Yeah. Is that a real thing?

Yeah. Is that actually a book? Yeah, it is. It's one of the classic Doctor Who books. I'm going to skip forward into some action here on page 88. So if you want to put some cool music underneath this. Okay, yeah.

Here we go. Just for the who heads, which I've just just coined. Yeah, of course. Which doctor are we talking here? Oh, good, good question. Let's have a look here. It should say on the title page, I think it's... Oh, yes, it is.

You're right. The cover illustration and others contained within this book portray the second Doctor Who, whose physical appearance was later altered by the Time Lords. So well done, you who head. Okay, here we go, guys. Buckle in. As Victoria reached the courtyard, she met Crissong and the main body of the warriors. Crissong gripped her wrists fiercely.

What has happened? Why are you screaming? The Yeti, Crissong. It's alive. It's broken free. Crissong stared at her in disbelief. It's true, she screamed. It's all my fault.

I put back the sphere. Suddenly, the Yeti appeared from the cloisters and began moving towards the barred main doors. Crissong smiled in grim satisfaction. At this time, we shall destroy it. Attack! Victoria crouched, sobbing in a corner as Crissong and his warriors fought their gallant and useless battle.

The Yeti seemed almost uninterested in its human opponents. It simply continued its progress towards the main doors. Bowman after Bowman loosed his arrows at point blank range. Arrows thudded into the Yeti's hide until it looked like a porcupine. They didn't have the slightest effect. I'm fine. Savage blows from spears, swords and even axes simply rebounded from the monster's body.

What the? Whenever a rash warrior got too close, a single smashing blow from the Yeti put him out of the fight. Victoria saw Thomni stagger into the courtyard, his face covered with blood. You've got to stop them, she sobbed. They'll all be killed. They can't hurt it.

It isn't alive. It's a robot. How's that? That is awesome. Oh my god. I've definitely given away the plot. I should have said spoiler alert. Yeah, so a little bit of nice storytelling there to end the show.

Wow. What a show guys, show number three of series 15. Oh, my opportunity train's arriving by the way. It looks like I've got a head off. It's still weird. Still a weird, it's a futurist. I don't know what the story is, but I'm going to get on this time.

I've got my ticket. There you go, mate. Well, about time. Oh shit, hang on, that sounds like a Yeti. All right, I'm getting on the train anyway. I've got my ticket. I'm closing the door. Okay, bye guys.

Full steam ahead. Can I please just ask what an opportunity train is? Like, what are you, are you getting off to better podcasts? I got another solo series. I'm sorry guys. I'm only contracted to do three with you. I've done that now. See you in another year, suckers.

You know I didn't get any opportunities. Come on, let's go on the train.