The Cryptid Factor - 55: #055 The Ho Ho Ho Issue

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

It's Ep 55! Where Rhys steals monolith news, Dan speaks of pole vaulting defectors and Buttons brings the tone down with sad satellite dish news. Also, you'll learn about a never to be seen cryptid exhibition; hear about an incessantly muffled Santa; and enjoy yet more Bigfoot braiding! Yay!

The Cryptid Factor, with Rhys Darby and Dan Shriver. Well, throw me into the Arctic waters until I freeze solid, then hammer a large plank of wood to my base and sell me as a popular ice block for the summer. Yeah, I think it starts off as one and then people queue up just to get a bit of it, you see. You ever heard of that term, or I'd love to have a piece of you. I don't know if that is a term. It's not quite right, is it, as a term. What would that ice block be called?

I don't know. Look who's called. Look who's called. The ultimate call, dude. Mum, can you give me a look who's called? Just give me a bit of a chip of the old. Look who's called. What flavour do you want?

Oh, can I have the hat flavour or part of the hat? That looks like a nice piece of ass. Oh, because I've got a hat on, everyone. Oh, yes. Piece of ass. We should mention that, unfortunately, it's happened again. Buttons and I are in the same room. So sorry about that.

So, long story short, but we'll quickly brief you on what happened this morning. I needed his help because in the apartment above us, number 19, they were selling their bunk bed and my wife decided to buy it. So I needed his help to dismantle it. He turned up, slightly late as usual. Hey, because I was getting to a coffee. Got me a coffee.

As I say, he knows he's going to do something wrong, so he always brings a coffee. And what did he do wrong? Well, after we dismantled the thing and put it into the Land Rover, he left his laptop bag and everything in the apartment and the lady left while we were mucking around with the car, putting the stuff in. So he's got all his computers stuck in some random person's apartment.

Three flights are here to mine. OK. But I'm so confused here, though, right? Can I just point out that it's Friday morning where you guys are in New Zealand. Buttons. Yes. It's quite a high-powered job, you know.

Augusto has about 70 employees. He's the head of a company. What's going on with your job button that you could drop everything to dismantle the bunk bed for reach? This is how good a friend I am. I heard a call for help and I was like, you know what? There are many issues at work I have to deal with. There's multi-million dollar deals to be done.

Just send us on the phone. Buttons. Where are you? I need you. This is the kind of guy he is. He'll do anything if it requires it. So one moment he might be in charge of, you know, the Labour Party's filmography. Next moment he's dismantling an old kid's bunk bed

in some random apartment downtown. And at the same time having my laptop locked away because I was so focused on the moving... I didn't care about my laptop. I forgot about my helicopter-sized headphones that are up there as well now. I haven't even got those. The Patreon cryptid knights are missing out on the visuals,

but they are gaining some wonderful visuals of Dan. Let's talk about your backdrop. I've got my Christmas tree. We, as part of lockdown here in the UK, have decided fuck it to everything and we put it up a week and a half ago. And we've been watching Arthur Christmas, the movie Arthur Christmas, on loop for the last week.

I've seen about 12 times. Can I just tell you, Dan, I'm in Arthur Christmas. What? I'm a voice in that movie. No, you're not. Who are you? Synchronicity coming back and whipping us on the butt again. Yeah, I'm one of the elves.

Now, here's a funny story. You won't be able to tell because there's so many little elves in there. Elves. Elves, actually, the plural. Now, I auditioned for that role. I got the part. I was the only elf

that didn't need my voice adjusting with computers. On your 20th listen, in fact, it's quite a good drinking game. If you can watch that movie and every time you hear a voice that you think might be mine, you have a shot. Now, if you're with your kid, of course, just give him a tickle. But it's a fun Christmas game. How many lines do you have in there?

Maybe three or four times. For all to play. Do you appear a few times in it, or is it one moment? I have no idea. I get the residual checks, but I'm in there. I think I say something like, oh, it's in a wrapper.

And it's just my regular voice. Every other actor that's an elf has their voice turned up with a computer to get to that height. What is it? His voice reaches heights. No other actor can. Falsetto.

Falsetto, yeah. I was going to say soprano, but that sounds more like a mob boss. Well, this is very exciting. I'm star struck all of a sudden. Arthur Christmas. It's a great movie. It's just the best.

I love it so much. I think it's the best Christmas movie. You're going to Christmas early. This is an attempt to wrap this year up and to basically get your head into, it's the end of the year. 2020 is coming to a close. We're going to start Christmas mid-November

to be able to psychologically end the year. Well, I think we remembered last year as well when we put up the tree. Life in a house is just better when the Christmas tree is up. It's warmer. It's friendly. It's happy.

It's good for morale. Yeah. Pop on the Christmas tunes. We've been having driving home for Christmas and Mariah Carey. It's a proper like Santa's grotto here right now. And I know it's still November. That's awesome.

Yeah. That's great. Well, that's great. And you've got a real lovely family there too. So I hope that things are looking up. You know, I know it's, I know the UK's still really solid, solidly in the COVID poo,

but yeah, happiness through Christmas vibes is definitely the way to go. 15th of December, then I'm going to call in and just see how the whole Christmas spirit is going. So a month of Christmas, I think you're probably going to get to the point of like, yeah, okay, let's just open the presents,

get into New Year's. Let's do New Year's on the 20th of December. Yeah. And then call it closed. Fenelo and Will are going to be like, we don't want you hanging out with that Arthur Christmas elf guy anymore on your podcast.

Sick of it. Sick of his rapping falsetto. Come on, it's in my wrapper. Check out what's in my wrapper. Actually, that sounds wrong. And also, do you think Santa this year will be wearing a mask, surely? Oh, Santa masks.

Well, no, his beard, isn't it? His beard is pretty much a mask. That filters all kind of like, how bushy that is. Oh, nothing's getting through that beard. Yeah, yeah. Like, can barely eat or drink through that beard. That's why he says ho, ho, ho.

He's not actually saying that. He's saying a lot more. But all you can hear through the beard is ho, ho, ho. He's actually saying, hi, how are you? It's all ho, ho, ho. It's like candy.

Ho, ho, ho. How are you, Santa? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho to you two, mate. Keep moving these pretty houses tonight. I think he actually meant his sleigh stuck in a rut. It's being clamped out the front.

Ho, ho, ho, buddy, on your way. Oh god, he goes on. The language didn't measure an app that has to decipher Santa. That's like Google Translate. Oh, that's like ho ho ho, was it? Oh no, these in trouble. Yeah, it's the safe word. All right, well, after last week's wonderful, unedited,

but less dilly dallying around episode, let's sort of take heed from that advice. Self-advice. And move into our first big section, the classic weekly world weird news. Crazy, freaky, watch out. So a lot of news this week, but I can't go past the big one,

which came out a few days ago now. And that, of course, is the monolith, the strange monolith found in a remote part of Utah. I'm sure you guys found out this news as well. Yeah, before the show started, we all basically, Dan and I basically looked at each other and went, you've got a different story, right? A backup story, because Reese is definitely

gonna take this one. There's no two ways about it. The monolith. Yeah, this is a re-story. Isn't it nice? This is my favorite thing about doing the show. I got about 20 messages from people I haven't heard from in a very long time.

Going, Dan, Dan, they found a monolith in Utah. My brother messaged me, Bluey messaged me. Yeah, it's great. We've become the magnets for weirdness. I love it. It's so cool. Hey, while I'm about to do the story, now having you here is actually quite good.

Can you go and shut the window buttons? Because I can hear the kids from the school. And I'm worried the listeners are going to... Hang on. Yeah, unplug and just go and shut the window. I'm just going to say, there's a washing machine repair guy back there. He could be.

He could still hear. Michael's here. I'm closing the window. You shushed. You kids, kids, you shushed. No, they're at school. They're allowed to be loud. OK, that's good.

I'm just worried that the background noise. So Utah, now, all over the world, this hit the headlines everywhere. It went huge. I mean, Michael, you probably know about this as well, don't you, the monolith? Yeah, and Michael's going to... My brother-in-law, Michael's here.

He might have a few things to say about this as well. Yeah, he's pretty up with the play. So, yeah, this, for example, the Guardian, just on reporting here. The structure was found spotted by state employees who were actually counting sheep from a helicopter, which are fun, hilarious. So good.

Yeah, there's one, two, three. Oh, hang on, that one's moved. Four, five, oh, is that the same? They look the same. Dangerous for the helicopter driver, because if he falls asleep while doing that, you know. Oh, yeah, he's not allowed to look down. So the helicopter driver is not, or pilot, as we say,

is not allowed to look at the sheep, obviously. Now, it's actually a very... That's a new thing that very wealthy people are doing to fall asleep. They charge a helicopter and go with a very remote sheep car and it helps them to... Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Yeah, we just want to go up.

I'm not tired. So I just want to go up and count the sheep. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Yeah, ho, ho, ho, do you, too, mate? I just need to get some sleep. Okay. What? No, it's all right.

One, two. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Yep. Merry Christmas, buddy. Four, five, six, hang on, seven. Shit, what's that? Oh, you're mean. I've just seen a monolith.

Go down! Oh, mate, you've got to pay extra for that, you're here to sleep, okay? By the way, I'm not reading this verbatim from The Guardian. I have gone off slightly there. But the structure estimated at between 10 feet and 12 feet high, which is about three meters, appeared to be planted in the ground.

It was made from some sort of metal. It's shine in sharp contrast to the enormous red rocks which surrounded it. So down they went and they couldn't believe it. They jumped out. Brett Hutchings, who is the helicopter pilot who I probably should point out, doesn't mumble like Santa through his beard.

Well, maybe he does. But he says, quoted as saying, that's been about the strangest thing that I've come across out there in all my years of flying. And isn't this crazy? So they went down, good on them for landing and just actually going, I've got to check this out. So they went down there and actually checked it out.

There's a video that's been doing the rounds of them checking it out like explorers. We could find that and put it on, but I'm sure you've all seen it or listened to it. If you're fans of the show, you'll be into the subject matter. I've not actually seen that, personally. Is it worth us bringing it up?

Here we've got something here. So one of the things that I read is that it's illegal for any kind of pieces to be left in this valley, which makes it all the more mysterious because someone is, whoever has put it there, actively breaking the law and knowingly doing so. I got it, here it is. I got it up to you.

Okay, the intrepid explorers go down to investigate the alien life form. Oh, you laugh now, mate. You laugh now until you disappear. It's always the thing with intrepid explorers. Having a wee giggle before they get eaten. Okay, who does this kind of stuff? Wow.

Oh, what's that? Oh. Oh, that's the start of playing the start of 2001. Yeah. So it's very much like the monolith from 2001. They went there. It was that they checked it out. That's the end of it there.

The one thing that I read that I really loved is that before going down to check it out, they had a little pact with the group that were in the helicopter going to look at it. That if any one of them disappeared, the others were going to hightail it and just run the hell out of there and not try and save the others.

Really? Yeah, it was like, if anything weird happens, we're all out. It's like, you're on your own. I guess you want to report. If you're in another dimension. Yeah. You know, they didn't know,

it was just so out of character. I mean, it is like a cryptid itself because it should not be there. And so you think, okay, what is this thing? Where did it come from? Now, of course, it's definitely man-made because it looks man-made and there are rivets in it. So they believed it was planted firmly there.

It did not drop from the sky. And the first theories that came through, which are most likely the accurate ones, are that it is from a new wave artist of some sort. And then as the days went by, more and more people talked about it. And I've got a, first of all, as you say, Dan, about the illegality of it.

It says, it is legal, sorry, illegal to install structures or art without authorization on public lands, no matter what planet you're from. He said Utah DPS in a statement released Monday. I'd like him saying that to a freaky alien. I don't care what planet you're from, you can't do your art here.

There's bylaws for a reason, okay? Yep, ho-ho-ho to you two, mate. Just head off. Ah, these Christmas fanatics. The location, of course, was not being disclosed so that people can't find it, although I think with Google Earth, a lot of people have probably already found it.

Yeah, just put Utah Valley sheep. Should be able to get that. Yeah. Lots of rich people have found it from chartering. Yeah, so in 2001, the thing was in the intro scene, at least, because the monolith appears in different, like I think it's on the moon, I might have that wrong, but it's definitely on Earth,

and it's the moment of touching it, that consciousness, higher consciousness, gets given to the apes and intelligent. So what we need to look out for now is if these helicopter guys are suddenly, the smartest men on our planet and starting wars with bones and so on, which is what happens,

that they understand that they're separate to the nature surrounding them, and when they fight, they clobber them, don't they, with bones. So, yeah. I've got to be honest, I didn't even, I didn't get that from 2001 Space Odyssey. I was still totally confused at the end of it, kind of going, it's a great, big, shiny thing.

A bunch of monkeys all have a big scrap, and then it goes on to, like, the rest of the movie. And I was like, all the time. You were too young when you watched it. I was very young when I watched it. To be honest, a bit dopey. Now, I think, also, there's that Who album, I think, is the Who, with the cover, is a monolith.

No, Pink Floyd. Oh. Now it's the Who. Yeah, the Who. And they're all... They're having a pee or a hoot. It's Who's Next, and there's a big monolith, and all the band are just peeing on it.

Yes. That's their processionist album cover. Which I really love as well. But just an update here. Unless, Michael, have you got any info on this you want us to share? Yeah. Come on, Michael, come up.

Special correspondent. Hello, everyone. So there was an artist called John McCracken, who died in 2011, who specialised in building monoliths. And so the latest theory is that it's one of his. And it's been there since 2000, or pre-2011. At least 2011. If you go back through Google Earth, apparently,

it's been there since at least 2015. Wow. I think it could possibly have been there since the 40s. I mean, I don't know. Maybe it's left over from the movie. Maybe that's where they film the movie. But I guess the real... If it's a work of art, I guess the mystery is,

how did he get it there? How did he bury it? And how did no one know about it? Yeah. It kind of done it on its own. Hang on, more importantly, how come you're such an expert on monoliths? How come you've just slotted in?

The whole history. Well, you don't know that, and I've been sat in the background of every single recording this has ever done. Waiting. Waiting for an opportunity to talk about monoliths. The unfortunate thing is I'm going to edit all this out, of course. So, you know...

Well, it's funny, but this isn't the first time. I've been edited out about four or five times. Yeah, it hasn't made it. It hasn't made it. Well, do you remember those DVD extras for Martha Christmas? Anyway, how are you, gentlemen? I knew bringing in a skeptic part-time sculptor was the right thing to do.

So, I think it's kind of answered what it is, but it's still the mystery of why it's there. And I think because of the illegality, and I believe that's a word, of putting art in places, in public places, because essentially, I didn't even know it was a public place. I thought that might have been a vast range of someone's... Backyard.

You know, someone's farm or whatever. It's in the middle of nowhere. But I think what the person has done, and I believe this is what they've done, is they have strategically... And I can visually see Dan's walked away, but I'm going to continue talking while he's returned. He often forgets that there's also visuals with this for us.

Is that they have put this homage monolith in place in a secret location in the middle of nowhere so that one day it will be found. Yeah. And humans do that. That's awesome. Why? Because it's like a time capsule type thing. So when it is found,

people all over the world will talk about it, which is what has happened. But it's also like Banksy-esque, isn't it? So I'm going to do something, put it out there. I don't want the fame from it. I'm not going to put my name to it. I'm going to just let people find it. One day in the future, it'll be found.

And I just love the thought of everybody scratching their head, which is what we're all doing now, which is played the long game. There was a guy who a few years ago, and it's not so much that he left it there to be discovered by helicopter pilots. He said this is out there, but no one knows the location. He set up this sort of another kind of little monolith

where he had solar-powered speakers and an iPod player. And it's somewhere in Africa, and he's just got Toto, the song Africa, playing on repeat. And it's going to play on repeat. You were talking about this. Yeah, it's going to play on repeat for a million years or something like that because it's just solar.

It's just running through solar. But he's not said where it is. So somewhere out there in the desert, there's just, oh, here the breeze. And you know what, this gives me great joy because it means that we should still keep exploring the planet because you don't know what you're going to come across. There's still Easter eggs to find.

The sad thing is, though, that that guy's family is in for a huge shock in a few hundred years when the music rights people finally catch up with him and go, so, OK, so you have to pay us $0.03 per play because it's in a public place. And it has played on it. You are asked approximately 30...

We don't care how many presents you've delivered over the years, you actually owe us. Work it out, please. $333 million. $333 million. No, no. Yeah, you're not going to get out of this with a ho-ho-ho-ho Merry Christmas.

Mr. Claus, this time, your art installation has ruined it. All the elves are coming with us. You should have read the fine print in the claws. Oh. See, so you should have got it. You're getting better with your comedy, but you've got to look and... It's still got a long way to go.

Yeah, the words and what you can do with them in just seconds before you use them. Oh, it's so hard. It's hard being in this. It's horrible being in the same room with them, to be honest. It's much easier in my... The pressure, eh? It's tough.

OK, so that's amazing. Well done, yeah. I love that news. That's cool. Yeah, it's all really cool. What we needed. We didn't do headlines, I just suddenly realised. We just went straight into monolith. Well, sometimes that happens.

Yeah, sometimes that happens. So, do we want to... Dan, do you want to just go into your news? Yeah, sure. My news is quite sad just to set it up. I'm just going to bring the tone down a little bit after your news. So you moved into the microphone even closer for that, but...

Yeah, but we'll keep on the cherry... Do you want to end on a sad note? Yeah, we'll end on a sad note. OK, all right, you go, Dan. OK, all right, my story this week... Old Saddy's here, wants to go last. I found a story which is a North Korean gymnast has defected to South Korea by vaulting over the border wall.

No. I love this. Yeah, I read about this. I didn't see this. I love it, yeah. Yeah, actual vaulting over it. Yeah, and it's a three metre high wall. It's really high and he vaulted over.

It's, he's not been named, but he was discovered by the South Korean border guards who'd been doing, running some military drills in the area. And they found him and he asked for asylum and I think he's been granted it. But before they granted it to him, they couldn't believe that he managed to vault over the wall without being detected, without setting off all the alarms.

So they made him do it two more times to show them that it was possible. They're like, you just show us again. You just go back over, just go back over to the other dangerous country. Come back, have a look. Oh, did you see that? I was watching the other way.

I do it again one more time. Jonathan missed it. He was looking the other way. Please tell me that when he finally got over the wall, he did that thing where he puts his arms up in the air. Tumble in it. Yeah, and looks over for his, for the points. Yeah, but that's the thing they've not said, you know,

how did, was there one of those spring horses that he used at the end? Was there, did he use a pole vault to throw himself over? We don't know. It hasn't, it hasn't said. The one thing that they do know is that registrations for pole vaulting classes and North Korea have gone through the roof.

That is hilarious. Can you just see that? We haven't got any slots at the moment because honestly, we've got 352 people. It's only a 30 size classroom here. So we're having to hold, yep. Now, if you bring your own sticks, it doesn't matter. There's only one guy that can teach you how to do it

and he's actually escaped. I've got, do you have, I've got a video here, audio, if you want it, at least you've got it down on the story. No, I don't, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's hear it. Let's have a look at this. A North Korean man who crossed the heavily fortified border with the South has said he wants to defect according to sole officials on Thursday.

The man was taken into custody the day before and they demilitarized so. I can hear my washing machine is talking out the back is actually done. Michael is at work in the washing machine. Okay, Michael has fixed my washing machine. That's just an update. Nothing to do with the story, but we,

that's why Michael was here by the way. He's fixing the washing machine. It's not what he normally does. It's one of his bonus skills. The man was taken into custody the day before and they demilitarized zone separating the two Koreas. Just hours after he was spotted crossing barbed wire fences installed along the border,

prompting an urgent search operation. South Korea's Joint Chief of Staff said Thursday. Please hold caller. I can hear another video happening in the background. Is it just you or me? Authorities have launched an investment. It's just you or me. Yes.

Yes. Hang on a second, hang on. No, that can't, there can't be another one on. I tell you what, the funny thing is I love that story that they have to say that he went to the effort of pole vaulting over into the demilitarized zone, avoiding incredible weapons, automatic detection systems and literally put his life on the line.

And they have to point out the fact that he would like to defect. Those like, you know, of course he was to defect. He wasn't doing it for fun. He has said that he would like to defect. Can we just confirm with you that you know that this isn't the Olympic village. So what you've jumped over here

is you've actually left the country now. So is that, can I confirm that you're not just confused about your whereabouts? No, I'd like to defect. Okay, right. All right, so you, but you are a gymnast, yeah. So you're hoping to, are you gonna compete for your country, which is now your ex country now or?

No, just. You mainly just want to shot it a bit alive. Yeah, that'd be great. So the high jump and what have you, that's just more of a hobby, is that? Yeah, well, I just learned it this afternoon. Okay, well, you're very good. You're very good.

We're happy to have you. And also, have you thought about the Olympics next year? Because our team's not looking too good, actually. JCS spokesman, Kim June Rock. I understand the person has expressed his willingness to defect. I am not able to provide more details as the related agency's investigation is still ongoing.

Kim said border controls were being further examined after the search for the man revealed that parts of the fences equipped with electronic monitors were found damaged, possibly by typhoons. He added that there was no sign of unusual movements by North Korean troops. All right. So there we have it, good.

And that report was, there was a HuffPost video from a HuffPost side. So anyway, yeah. So I thought that was really cool. Yeah, so cool. And it sounds like he might have climbed as opposed to, I think, I think have we just made up the pole vaulting bit

as part of our retelling? Oh, really? I wasn't listening to the video. Yeah. It was hard to keep stopping and starting. So let's just go with pole vaulting. Yeah, let's do pole vaulting. I mean, that's a movie.

That's a movie in the making. It actually reminds me of my second show that I did called Restarbi and the Supernova, which was a sequel to the Time Machine, one man play that I put out in 2000. And it was about my character, the freestyle dance champion from Oakuni. That's right.

Who was the only guy on the planet who had the moves to be able to get through a series of traps inside the Great Pyramid to find the mega bomb that was inside there and had to bring it out. Right. Anyway, that's enough about me, but what a show. And this was an Edinburgh Fringe one-man play, was this?

Yeah, it was a Fringe Festival one-man play. What was your budget? Did well. Budget was fairly high. You know, we're talking five, 600. Ooh, okay. Is that a lot? I don't know.

Five or 600? Not much, is it? No, 600 bucks. All right, go for it. I mean, what are we looking at there? I mean, I did all that. I didn't have to. There's no costuming.

I just wore a black t-shirt, black shorts. That's pretty good. That's five, 600 bucks about a pair of Levi's and a really nice t-shirt. It was the second year that I was nominated for the Billy T Award. And I was sick. And I had a bucket on stage

because I would mid-performance. I'd have to vomit. And because I did. Did you actually vomit? No. Yeah, I did. And even when the Billy T judges were there and I thought, I'm gonna win this

because despite my illness. You were up there. I'm still putting on a show. But they all then started realizing that they were gonna come down and get sick as well. Yeah, and a lot of them actually they didn't want to shake your hand to get sick. So they didn't choose you.

Looking back, I think that's why I might have lost. There's a lot of vomiting going on. But anyway. Yeah. Wow. That'd be a great movie, though, wouldn't it? This gymnast. Yeah.

Okay. It's like a really quick movie, isn't it? He defects, has a nice life. Thank you. That's good. It's a short film. That's good. You would watch it.

You'd be like, the trailer looks fantastic. Let's see the full thing. No, no, that was it. I'm afraid. I also think it'd be a funny idea if North Korea, sorry, South Korea put out a whole bunch of high-jump mats just on the side of the border fence. And a bunch of people with judging cut,

ready to judge them. Judging panels all sorted out, and then just do a helicopter drop of pole-volting poles, just surround, just completely cover North Korea and pole-volting poles. It's so good. I actually, I heard a story today about North Korea, which is the Chinese were coming into North Korea

and the United Nations used to have an army, and the army was trying to fight off the Chinese, and they were losing badly because there were 120,000 Chinese military people, and they circled around the American military, sorry, the United Nations military. So they were stuck inside this sort of war zone, and they'd run out of ammunition,

and they desperately needed some. So they did a call to their base to say, we need more. And the code word for the ammunition was tootsie rolls. So they said, tootsie roll, supply now. So the message went out to the supplies depot. Unfortunately, the person who got the message didn't realize that that was code for ammunition. So they ended up sending and parachuting in

a plain load of tootsie rolls and another confectionery. So that's ridiculous. Yeah, so they thought, yes, we're being saved, and just parachutes of tootsie rolls landed in there. And to be fair though, if you're into tootsie rolls, which for those of you that don't know what they are, basically candy lollies, they're very nice. They're very lovely.

If you're into them, that would still be a happy day. They'd be a good one. They later said the morale was really lifted by it. It was, yeah, they didn't have any weapons. For five minutes until they all crashed with a sugar rush. And then got killed because they didn't have any ammunition. Almost bringing the stories down. It's just a bit sad today.

It's a sad day. What's why you're obsessed with sadness? Go on, do your sad story. Yeah, let's get your sad story. If we've got all the fun out of the way, is it all the fun? Is it all your... Nice link, nice link into your sad story. OK, well, my little bit of sad news, but very important news.

And I think it's very important we mark this occasion because it is a sad day. The giant satellite dish, the Ariscebo satellite dish, made famous on the James Bond movie, Golden Eye. And contact with Jodie Foster. That movie, sorry. Dance playing sad music in the background. I wonder what that noise was.

I'm looking at my phone and thinking, have I left something on? OK, I think you just... Now this is good. Just now some sad guy lying in the background. That's, honestly, I think I'm about to start crying. That satellite is closing down. They're going to shut it down.

No. Yeah. No. Yeah. And we didn't even get to go to it. I love James Bond, the satellite. Oh, no, Golden Eye was a nasty sunray thing. Wait, is it a dish?

It's a dish. It's a satellite dish. Oh. Yeah. That's like a big cable and a big cable broken. I like big cables. No, but this is a bad cable. A naughty cable and a broken.

It smashed it. It smashed it. It smashed it. Why? Because I was rusty. Wait, who's this at the door? Someone's at the door. Who's at the door?

How did you know they were there before they knocked? Yeah, are you open it? OK, open it. Centre. Now is not the time. Yeah. Ho, ho, ho, to you, mate. He's going to get the satellite going again.

What? Really, Centre? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Yes. Ho, ho, ho. Yay. I wish he could. That would be a Christmas miracle.

Yee-haw. Pfft. He's definitely left because I heard the door shut there. But he went, he exited via the vault. The door sounding much better as he closed it than the door that opened, which I think. Very secure. Anyway, the sad news is that this amazing satellite dish,

one of the biggest in the world for a long, long time until China made one just slightly bigger recently. Typical. 57 years old this thing. It's got a 900 tonne receiver, satellite receiver that is strung up 137 metres up from this dish, which is 305 metres in diameter. Wow.

Everybody knows that it's all the way up in the Puerto Rico mountains. It's been used for years. And the one thing that it's been used most for and most recently for, which is this is the biggest concern and probably the saddest part of them after this damage that it suffered recently, not getting it going again, is that it's been used for detecting asteroids

that are earthbound. And it detected the one just recently that was a near miss asteroid. And there are other satellite dishes that do do that job, but they don't do it as often and they don't do it as frequently. And so they're shutting this one down. They've decided no, it's going to cost too much money and also actually it's too dangerous to go and try and fix it.

Because one cable broke, it smashed into the dish. They were like, OK, we can deal with that. It was just a standby cable. So these are the cables that are holding it up? Yeah, the 900-ton thing, the big receiver part at the top. OK. And so they've actually decided, actually, it's too unsafe to try and save it

because then one of the other main cables, after the first one broke and smashed into the dish, they were like, no, we can fix this. Then a second one broke and then they were like, no, it's gone. So they've shut it down and the scientific community are incredibly sad about it for many reasons. But the fascinating fact that I found out about it,

apart from the fact that it was used in a Bond movie because it looks amazing and obviously contact. A huge fight happens on it. Yeah, and also in contact. And I was just trying to think of other movies, I'm sure. That's probably been more because it's a sight to behold. Oh, it's beautiful. And 50 says almost 60 years it's been there.

But the interesting thing is, is that when they built it, it was actually only built to examine the stratosphere, the basically Earth's atmosphere. So it was only having to look a few kilometers into the sky. Somebody in designing how big the satellite had to be did the calculation wrong, and it was built almost 100 times bigger than it needed to be. What?

So somebody went on a piece of paper with me. So how big is that, John? They added a zero or something? 305 meters. Well, they said 100 times. So I'm wondering whether or not they could have done it with a three meter. Oh, no.

It was meant to be three meters and it's three. This is out of control. But it's one of the happiest scientific errors ever made because the size they made it has meant that they can do so much more and it is proven to be so useful. And it is it is responsible for countless amounts of. Wait, did this start off as just some dude's satellite that he bought online and wanted to install at his house?

And it turned out that he got the measurements wrong. It became the biggest satellite in the world. Anyway, and he was away on holiday and came back and went, oh, shit, that is way too big. Can I just have a word with the guy who? Honestly, Mike, this is top quality here. You're going to be able to get to all the channels. You can get channels from other interplanetary regions.

It turns out we're talking stuff from out of this world. You're going to get all the top shows from different stratosphere is different dimensions. Here's your remote. Oh, yeah, fuck, that's big. I could bloody live on that. The size of a bus. Yeah, just just jump it down on any of those buttons.

And how much is this going to set me back? Yeah, it's not going to be. It's not going to be cheap. I've got to be honest with you. But we do have a payment scheme. It turns out it's 100 times your budget. Well, I guess you've installed it. Now, it's too late to send it back.

Oh, absolutely. And not only that, we don't have the trucks big enough to take it anywhere. I tell you what, hold on to it till about 2020, and then we'll chuck it up on Trade Me or Craig's List or Etsy or any of those bloody. Etsy. Don't really hold on to Etsy, but just.

So has it been decommissioned already? Buttons, has it been turned on? It's not. I don't think it's been turned off yet. As far as I understand, not operational. It actually went quiet over COVID time anyway, because people are needed there to operate it. Although there are a lot of people

who have incredible memories of it, because you used to have to go into the mountains in Puerto Rico to live there, if you're going to basically be a researcher at the satellite dish. You had to go and live there up in the mountains. And apparently it was amazing. This incredible scientific community

was born out of it and all these relationships and collaborations. But this is where Chupacabra came into it. Chupacabra. I mean, that's the Puerto Rican cryptid. There's got something to do with that area. I could be getting the areas wrong, but there's also an observatory, isn't there?

Yes, yeah, there is. Because it's quite a special place up there. Isn't it interesting, though, this giant satellite that's monitoring the skies for multiple asteroids alien life gets turned off, and then suddenly in Utah, a mysterious monolith is delivered. Yes.

Hello. That's putting two recent news articles together. That's what he's made for. That's why he gets the big bucks. That is what he does, that is what he does good. He's like a detective. I can already see the bit of string going from one article to the other on his board on the wall.

Hang on, these things could be related. What's going on here? That's about, look at it getting constructed. This is a, I'm just showing Reese here, and I was showing you two down, there's this picture of it getting constructed, and knowing that all of that work was unnecessary. Yeah, all of that, yeah, we're looking at how much?

Like how much Earth they had to move. They literally had to dig out an entire mountain range to be able to make it work. It's like a gigantic quarry. I mean, the dude who originally purchased it through some, the back of an ad in some magazine must have been away on holiday for a long time, not noticing all of this construction going on.

Going on. I'm really surprised what he got there. Yeah, so it's a shame because when they decommission it, I imagine because it's a USO, they're gonna have to, they can't just leave it there. What's gonna happen to it? They're gonna, it's so dangerous. I'm sure they're gonna have to pull it all out,

and there'll just be a huge, big crater left. You know what, they will also, if they do get rid of it and sell it off, bits of that are gonna go for quite a nice price tag. We should get a little bit of it. Yes, a panel or two. Many museums will be onto it. Yeah, many, get it into many museums.

So anyway, so that's my sad little bit. I'm glad it's not as sad as I thought it was gonna be. I thought you literally canceled Christmas, but you haven't. Well, it has been for the scientific community. Thank you very much. No, you're right, but there are other satellites. And like you say, the Chinese have got some big ones.

It's about getting on board with them now, you know. The Puerto Ricans have sort of slipped in their research. And the table management system. Okay, well, let's tick along nicely, like a well-worn clock that purchased in Switzerland that hasn't faulted yet in its 12 years.

And move on to some cryptid news. Ooh. Attention, all personnel, it's time for this week's cryptid. Oh, help me! Okay, so Dan, do you wanna kick off? You got anything? Yeah, I just wanted to bring up.

So earlier this year, in Ohio, at the Rutherford B. Mays Presidential Library, an exhibition was opened, which was called Ohio, An Unnatural History. And it was showcasing all of the cryptids from the area, Mothman, and so on. A lot of interesting ones that I'd never heard of before,

like the Loveland Frog. Have you heard of that? Oh yeah, I have heard of that one, yep. Great stories of how people have been going to the swampy areas of Ohio and seeing a sort of humanoid four-foot tall frog, just like a massive frog. Yeah.

And all these cryptids are a part of the folklore there, and they decided to do a massive exhibition of original art where someone really talented would draw them up so people could look at them, see them for their size, and sort of get a gauge of what they might see if they went around looking for cryptids in the area. Unfortunately, COVID hit,

and no one's been able to see the cryptids. They've been shut down, and this exhibition was only meant to run until October the 30th, so they're looking to sort of extend it, but I just quite like the cryptids themselves that were meant to be seen, still could not be seen as a result.

It's almost like they planned it. Exactly. So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna show you a video here of what you will see if you do manage to go to it. A Natural History opens on Friday, February 28th. It tells the story of nearly a dozen creatures from Ohio folklore,

both older legends and more recent tall tales. Some are very unique to Ohio, such as the Loveland Frog, Mothman, which we share with West Virginia. The museum wanted to take a non-traditional approach to celebrating local history by spreading awareness of the myths of the region. From Native American folk creatures

to more recent rail workers for stories. There have been stories about them for generations, and they've captivated people's imagination, but why is that? Why is folklore important? Why do we care so much about these things? The original pieces on display for the exhibit are from Fremont native Dan Czazinski,

the current curator of Finley's Mazza Museum. The goal is to show a more realistic interpretation of these fantasy creatures so guests can get a better appreciation of their legends. So people can come, see his artwork, and they can see life-size cutouts of the work that he created. So...

I really wanna go to that. Yeah, unfortunately though, COVID shut them down entirely and no one's been able to go see this, so I think they're talking about extending it. So if anyone is in the Ohio area where this library is, do go and see it. And I just love, I mean, particularly this little

Loveland frog. There's a great account of in 2016, a guy called Sam Jacobs, he was out with his girlfriend playing Pokemon Go near this lake, Lake Isabella. And they were stocking up on some nice Pokemon when suddenly he looked up and said, we saw a huge frog near the water.

And it was not in the game, which he had to sort of emphasize. He definitely wasn't looking at his screen. It was real life. A real one. He said this was an actual giant frog and he paused his play, good on him, and snapped some grainy photos.

And they don't look great. But what he says is when it was a dark figure standing in the gently rippling water, light bouncing off its enormous saucer-shaped eyes, and he was convinced that he was seeing a frog on its hind legs. I realized this sounds crazy, he said, but I swear on my grandmother's grave,

this is the truth. The frog stood at about four feet tall. So, and many have seen, many have seen in this area, the roving love land frog according to- Yeah, I have heard of it. I had, yeah. Well, I tell you what, the artistry in this exhibition is fantastic.

So yeah, I hope they get to put themselves out there again so the public can see it because it's beautiful. It's amazing, but also how awesome that a state is actually kind of going right. We need to celebrate these mythical creatures and we need to keep them alive and get people interested and curious about them. And it's truly celebrating that side of their history.

Yeah, and a presidential library as well. This is a real place of repute. I love how they say there that they share Mothman. It's like- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too, like, and don't forget, we share Mothman and we have checked with him with Georgia.

They're like, join custody. We'll get them this weekend, you get them next weekend, but you had him last Christmas, so we'll have this Christmas and then on holidays, we'll alternate those. The other thing, of course, is the library could have said to this cryptid mythical exhibition, I tell you what, we'll put you on,

we'll put you on more COVIDs on, and there's been some cancellations and we actually do have a couple of weeks free there. People won't be able to attend, but if you wanna bring your cardboard cutouts down, most welcome. Hello? Well, I just hope it hits the road

because that artwork looks amazing and it's great to actually see these things close up and to imagine visually the exact size of these creatures. That's cool, isn't it? That's what I like, the size thing, yeah. Well, I've got a piece of cryptid news that comes hot on the back of your cryptid news I think a couple of weeks ago, Dan.

It's not that hot. It's not that hot, and actually the story is from August. So it's- Okay, no, it's lukewarm at most. It's lukewarm, but- It's actually getting a little chilly, so you better hurry up and say it. This one's gonna go straight in the microwave

because it's worth it. It's worth reheating. Okay. This is on the back of your story about Bigfoot braiding horses' mains. Oh, that was about a month and a half ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple of weeks, yeah, about the time.

This, now, Bigfoot has now been accused of tearing and desecrating a USA flag. Oh, no. And braiding the flag. Braiding it. Well, that's what he does. This is his hobby. So this is-

That was in the same article, I seem to remember. Was it? This is just the same article, but a piece that Dan didn't want to read- No, but this is- Because it was- Well, they've clearly expanded the article on both sides, because in this article,

it talks about your piece of news about horses here being braided. Yeah, at the top of the article, right? Like, that's the bit. And then the braiding of the flag gets a bit further down. Yeah. No, this one's about the braiding of the flag.

Oh, so this is a separate article. And the braiding of the horse is a little bit further down. Oh, no way. All right, he's got his phone upside down. Turn it, right, ready, come on. Oh, yep. No, it's at the top.

Well, no, this is on Memorial Day weekend. And the Garrison Cemetery, which is in Columbus, it is in Garrison Cemetery, wherever the Garrison Cemetery is, is thought that a flag there that got torn apart was a victim of a massive storm that came through. But- They thought the flag was a victim of a storm.

That's what I'm saying, but yeah. Well, I haven't heard to a victim support group for ripped flags. That's all I can say, because there'll be a lot of those after storms. Stitching his life back together, that flag. And then the, everybody just thought this flag got torn in the storms, it makes sense,

but no other flags got torn, like this one did. And more importantly, when this flag was brought down because it was all torn, it had little knots like it was all braided together. Well, but you know, just to butt in there, a twister could possibly do that, couldn't it? Just as a sudden thought- Could do?

Could do, a twister or a knotter, whatever that might be. They're called twisters. Right, but they could be called knotters. Yeah, tornadoes. Yeah, but if it twists, but if it twists with a little spin, then it'll be a knotter. A knotter, okay, well.

A twist and spin, twist it in. Possibly. We've got a knotter coming through today. Be careful, guys, it's gonna spin you about and put you inside out, if you're not careful. You'll never brush those knots out. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Is that, did it say to do the knotter come through? No, it did not. Oh God, just read the article. You was trying your comedy lessons, Rhys. This is done. Don't try it. You must try it.

It is, it is a thing, I took the words. You took the word. I just tried to do it. He halved it and failed. I want to give up now, can I give up? No, you can edit all that out, that's fine. Great, yeah, I will. So, according to this woman, Harriet McFeely,

the tattered and braiding of the flag is actually evidence of the fact that Bigfoot has been through there and has braided it himself. She's a big... This is the same woman who said about the braiding of the horses was Bigfoot. That's right.

So she's obsessed with this idea. Yeah, she certainly is. But she's taken to task on this. She's come and she's taken the flag and has claimed the flag, which ironically was put there a couple of decades earlier by a member of her family, her grandfather. So she's reclaimed the flag

and has put it in a museum, which she has. She has her own museum. She has her own little museum, which is exciting. It's called the Nebraska Bigfoot Crossroads of America Museum, which is another one to add on to the must-see list. Anyway, she believes that this has been braided by Bigfoot and proof that Bigfoot exists. And she says, this is a quote from her,

if you look right here, there's a knot, a perfect knot right there, McFeely pointed out. They tie the knots with their fingers when asked about how a supposedly large creature like Bigfoot could make such small knots, McFeely noted, that it's a habit picked up by the creature's early years. There are two things to think about, she says. First of all, they have kids

and guess how big their fingers are when they're kids? They're littler than mine, McFeely said. I know some men that crochet. If you learned that when you were seven years old, it wouldn't matter what size you are. And once you know... It's a technique, isn't it? Yes, once you know how you do it, you know how to do it. So she says that she believes that they are capable of doing this

and she goes on to talk about a lady that lives on a farm who's got two horses that keep coming back with their hair braided, which she believes is Bigfoot as well, too, which are your... Well, I can tell you this much, that it's not the horses braiding each other's hair. Have you ever tried to braid anything with hooves? Dismalphalia. Oh, God, I'm so tired.

I'm so tired. Whee! Oh, whee! Of course. There was an audio clip of two horses trying to braid each other. Halfway through it, I realised they're both horses, so neither of them can talk. It's not going to go anywhere. But I heard them, they were doing it on concrete

because I heard the hooves on. That's one of their problems. Buttons, who wrote the article out of curiosity? She did. No, no, no, no, it's not. No, it's the Columbus Telegram. Oh, yeah. OK, is that it?

Yep, that's it. Well, I don't know if that is the proof that we needed for Bigfoot, that finally the smoking gun was a knotted and braided flag after a storm. This is it, I've got it. Drop what you're doing, we've solved it. Check out this flag. At my museum now, admittedly, 15 dots.

300 bucks a ticket, come in and see the flag, sign here and tell me that you've solved it. Solve that. Great, great stuff. Yes. All right, quick time check. Yep, a minute, no, one hour. A minute to go.

A minute and four seconds, we've done. No, it's an hour. Yeah, we've done it. That's the longest, that's the longest minute of my life. Well, I think we'll leave it there this week, but we will remind our listeners that we've still got the exciting Christmas episode coming up. Yes.

And I think we should actually, the three of us, think about what we want to do with that. Obviously, the obvious thing is maybe, like we did with the Halloween one, where we come up with a Christmas-based cryptid type story. That we can find, so we do a bit of research there. Does that exist? Is that a territory?

Yeah. Cryptids? Oh, absolutely, what I'm saying is like... Christmas cryptids. Christmas cryptids. No, like stories or eyewitness accounts that happen on or around the festive season. Very exciting.

At the end of the year. Neesh is, I'm like, very niche. It may only be two, only two of us can do a story. Well, I think all three of us will come up with the same story, and that'll be quite a good experiment. Who can tell it best? Well, we know it's going to be Dan based on the other. It'll be about him,

and they'll have a massive twist at the end. I don't know Santa was really there because he was my dad, and I was the boy. Hang on, I've got, we've got Dan's dad at the door. Hang on. You can always tell before he knocks. Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes, Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. Shriver. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I think he wants Dan to come home. To come home, Dan. You got to go, mate. Time for you to go. All right, sorry, Dad. And your dad, he's like, he won't leave the house

until we give him milk and cookies. He's so annoying. He's like, and he wants carrots. What sort of car is he driving that he needs carrots for his car? Carrots, and who farms reindeer these days as well, by the way? Very odd. Very odd. All right.

Bye, Mr. Shribes. What was that? He said it there and he's fall, fall, fall. Yeah, I think he's falling. Oh, shit. We need to get that driveway fixed. Bye, everyone. Bye, bye.

Bye.