The Cryptid Factor - 60: #060 The Long Dong Issue

Episode Date: March 29, 2021

Well, it was only a matter of time that the show went to the gutter and the guys started resorting to toilet humor, and sadly, this show is it - though apparently it's all in the name of science(!!). Outside of that nonsense, there's also some normal nonsense - like glowing mermaids, a new 'official' Loch Ness sighting, a Mothman sighted on Google Maps, and some new lifeforms sighted in the space station disco lounge (??)

The Cryptid Factor, with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber. Well, fill my bath with all bran and call me Cleopatra, because we three prunes are variantar back! Not quite as regular as normal, but hey, we're done alright, it's just been a busy couple of weeks. It's been busy, so apologies to the listeners if you were hoping we were going to be on air a couple of days, perhaps a week prior to this, but we're still here. Well, actually, you know, sneakily, we all were on air on about a week and a half ago by accident, I mean, Buttons wasn't meant to be there, we sort of forced himself onto the scene. That's so untrue, I was forced on there, I didn't want to be on there, it's the last place I wanted to be. So for listeners who don't know what you're saying, Dan, explain. So I do a different podcast, a less interesting and funny podcast called No Such Thing as a Fish, and this year for Comic Relief in the UK, we did a thing where we did a live 20 hour marathon, and we had 35 guests on to celebrate 35 years of Comic Relief,

we had them on for 35 minutes each, and Reese was one of the guests, almost didn't happen because it turned out when you were meant to be on, you also had to be on a yacht that was setting off into the ocean. So we had this big panic, could Reese do it, and we finally discovered that you could broadcast live from the yacht. That's right. Boy, did I feel like a wanker. Broadcasting live from the bow of the yacht. But it worked out, it worked out, and then Buttons got to take part as my goat. So yeah, I guess listeners, if you haven't checked it out, it's on YouTube, right? Yeah, it's on YouTube, yeah, just put Reese Darby No Such Thing as a Fish and you'll find it.

And it was awesome, we raised 150,000 pounds. Whoa, that's awesome. Yeah, it was extraordinary. Comic Relief is run by Richard Curtis of Blackadder and Sir Richard, and he also made a movie that Reese was in, The Boat That Rocked. That's right. So I thought, okay, I've done this big project for Richard, this is my big moment. He's going to get in contact now, and he's going to say, Dan, I think you and I should be doing more stuff together. So we do the big show, it's a big success.

An email comes through, Richard Curtis, Dan, would like to have a word with Reese Darby. By the way, he still hasn't emailed me. And so knowing he was going to email me from the news that you put to me, I then emailed him and said, Richard, I thought you're going to email me. And he hasn't replied to that yet. So, you know, it's ongoing. That's actually a little bit awkward because he's actually just emailed me. Oh, no. Does he?

Yeah, the goat. It turns out he's doing a rom-com and he saw some of my work. And so, I mean, no promises yet, but, you know, he's... You know, he's already done a time travel movie. So I think you missed out on that one. Go right. Maybe he's recasting Mr. Bean, because I feel... That'll be it.

That'll be it. Well, yeah, thank you. Maybe Mr. Bean's dad. Wow. Seeing you, Bean. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

That would be a huge honour. Well, I think we should move on. It's time to move on. One thing we haven't spoken about yet, and I know we're all anxious to mention it. My birthday. Oh, yeah, I was so anxious. That's right. I was wondering why I had all this anxiety.

Turns out that's what it was. And I was really disappointed because Buttons made a big deal about the fact that the next episode we were going to do was on your birthday. So... Which you got wrong. I was all prepared. Which you got wrong, which was even more annoying because I missed your birthday. Didn't even get to say happy birthday to you.

Silence from Shriver over here. It's called birthday sabotage. Did I say happy birthday to you, Reese? I did, didn't I? And then... But Dan, where was he? Yeah, that's true. Not much of a friend.

Yeah, he did lose a couple of points for that. Yeah, because he got the day wrong. He said let's do a podcast on the Monday for his birthday. Of course, my birthday was actually on the Sunday. But he didn't even mention that he spent the whole of Sunday with me on my birthday. So he's really sabotaged you there, Dan. Happy birthday, Reese. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, happy birthday. Finally. Thank you, Dan. Okay, let's move on to everyone's favourite segment. It's... Weekly World Weird News. Crazy. Freaky.

Watch out. I'll start. Now, I have a bit of a confession. A few things have happened, a few stories that have come in. And I really just want to talk about them all in very quick terms. And so, the first thing I just want to say is some of these stories have come in as a result of an exciting development. Now, Reese, you've got your researches, buttons, you've got the button-downers.

I never get sent any stuff in because of my name, the Shrideers. No one's got any Shrideers. It doesn't encourage research to come in. It really doesn't. But someone on Instagram called Devon C got in contact and he said, listen, this is a problem. No one's given you anything. You need to change your name.

And I've come up with the name of your team. Yeah, so I'd like to officially rebrand now according to Devon C's suggestion. Yeah. Is this permitted? Are we allowed to rebrand halfway through? Well, I mean, it was a desperate rebranding. Well, maybe we all have to consider a rebrand. Why would you?

No, you don't have to just because he is Dan. Okay. Buttons. Okay, well, what's the... But you can't... It's always been great because your name's been a bit terrible. And that, you know, it's like... If you come up with a great one, then...

This is it. Buttons has been happy because yours was always a bit of a shit one. And he had another point over you, you see, because the button-downers was a great slow gun. And now he's worried your new one is going to be good and he'll be allocated to third position again. That's exactly what it comes down to. Just jealousy, as usual.

Well, we can experiment with it. Let's see if this leads to an uptick in me getting stories sent to me. So it's quite classy. Devon C has suggested that my crew of researchers are called the Shrybrarians. Oh, that's good. Oh, the Shrybrarians. Very. And I'm really pissed off.

I never thought of it because we have the Shrybrary at home where we even have a little stamp that we put in some of the books. So Shrybrarians, of course. So if anyone has any new stories, digging into the books. And I got my first story, actually, my first ever story that was sent to me. So I'll reveal it now as a... This is the first Shrybrarian to send me something via Instagram as well. I got sent a dick pic, a big foot dick pic.

What? Yeah. Now, this is really cool. I'm showing this as it's just, it is weird news. And I think you guys will enjoy it because it's a website that we should all be visiting. But someone has created a toy that you can buy, which is big foot dick. And I'll show you this here. This guy just makes bespoke toys.

I got sent this by a Shrybrarian called Cressel Weirs. And let me show you. There we go. Big foot dick. Custom made toy. The description reads, this is a custom made big foot dick. It has brown fur and a nice shiny pink tip. It is so stupid in lowbrow that I can't even bring myself to write anymore about it.

And they're all, they're all made individually. Oh my gosh. Smells like the real thing at the top. This site is amazing called Death by Toys. And Death by Toys makes toys like me eating an entire block of cheese. That's an action figure. Batman's parents, who have both been slaughtered. Real clown pubes, real clown pubes, which is just multi-colored.

I mean, great, great funny novelty gift ideas. So good. The fly that landed on Mike Pence's head. Some of them are sold out. Well, big foot's dick is sold out, unfortunately. Let's go back to big foot's dick for the show. I'm surprised at the small size of it, I must say. Yeah, compared to the hand holding the toy, it's quite small.

And it's really furry. Do you know what the best thing about this is that my news also involves penises. And I have been racking my brain about how to bring up a story about penises without you guys thinking that I'm so juvenile. Yeah. And it's about small penises. So Reese, you talking about that penis not being very big, it's almost like you guys have set this up for me.

And if we're moving on to my news now, it feels very much like we are, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely. We'll put a pickup of the big foot dick on our sites, with a link if anyone wants one. If anybody wants a big foot dick, you know where to come. You know who's got you the big foot dicks. Yeah. OK, so my news is that humans are potentially becoming an endangered species

due to shrinking penis sizes and sperm counts, lowering, which is threatening human reproduction. Now, this kind of go, well, why is this weird news? This is quite sad and quite serious. Well, it leads on to also space news and UFO news. Wow. OK. You're really opening it up here.

Small penises go to two other segments. See, it's what you do with the small penis, it can't. You've turned it into two segments. Yeah. Oh, my God. Small penis syndrome. It is. It is.

I don't know about that. Anyway, there is research that is being done that is indicating that male sperm count is falling drastically. Based on a 2017 study, human sperm has plummeted 59 percent between 1973 and 2011. That's huge. That's a lot. 59 percent.

And as I think a lot of people would know, there's a lot more couples having challenges with falling pregnant. And this is one of the reasons that they point to. It says, if you look at the curve on sperm count and project it forward, it reaches zero in 2045. That there will be no fertile male sperm by 2045. 2045. That's what it says.

If you follow that same curve. So it's really concerning for a lot of people and also to go along with sperm count lowering. The other thing threatening human reproduction is that it turns out penis size is getting smaller as well. I guess it goes hand in hand. Penis gets smaller as the amount of active sperm gets less. That's right.

That's right. And they're sort of putting this down to things like chemicals in the environment. They're putting it down to cultural shifts. They're putting it down to a whole bunch of different things. They're trying to figure out what that is. Wasn't it polar bears? Were also their penises were shrinking

and that was down to pollution and global warming, I think. I thought that was just the Arctic waters, Dan. Let's see. I've just got out of the sea. Honestly, it's not going to be this small. Honestly, it's not looking good. We're not going to have sex with that, Brian. I'm afraid it's not...

Honestly, I just went fishing. Please, Dan, come back. I'm afraid not. I'm actually seeing another polar bear down the road. I want to say polar. I mean, grizzly. That's right. He doesn't delve into the depths of the Arctic Ocean.

He's a forest man. A real bear. Oh? What does he do? Well, he forages in the trees and kicks humans in the head, that kind of stuff. He's a handy bear. I'm white.

Yeah. Yeah. It's time to move on. Get a bigger dick. I've seen his penis. I bought one from the toy thing. It's very small. It's hairy.

And it doesn't smell good. It's got a shiny pink hint. Brian, take your joke penises and piss off, OK? I don't want a novelty bear. I've got a big grizzly boy now. Woohoo! So anyway, what they're saying is that this is actually a bit of a concern and they're looking for ways

to be able to protect the human species going forward, which leads us to the Space News. Oh. Because... OK, so let me just get this straight. So I have no weekly world news this week. You've now just jettisoned straight into a space update. Oh, should I?

I'll save the space update then. So I'll save it for a space update. But, Linkson, nicely, we can segment off now into a subset system segment of space updates, but you've got to do the sting. Oh, God. But then what do we have to play the sting for weekly world news when we come back to your one?

We haven't even done your headline. We don't even do headlines. It doesn't matter. We don't have to do headlines. Oh, my God. It's all gone. It felt really weird. The show felt weird.

I didn't understand. I was like, what's going on? It feels like we've broken the show. I broke it. I broke it. I went into my whole rebranding. No, but then I broke it, too, because then I went and announced three segments.

Yeah, you're both responsible for breakages here. But look, I'm an easy-going guy. I don't mind. I don't think headlines, you know, they're not necessarily. People aren't tuning in. I can't wait for the headlines, but I think mine. I just think let's do the space update. Okay.

Find it from last week or a couple of weeks ago. I think I made one up on the spot. You did. It was great. Use that and use this as a disclaimer. This is a cryptid factor disclaimer. We will be returning to weekly world news after this section. It's time for space update.

Okay, give us your space update. Scientists want to open a sperm bank on the moon. Brilliant. Because of the falling reproductive problems, and the concern that it's all going to run out and there's not going to be any semen to be able to create babies, the moon is the safest place to be able to put it for the fear of natural disasters

and what have you happening here on earth. Yeah, but if it was hard enough to get pregnant, imagine having to fly to the moon every time you want to, every time you're ovulating. Wow. I tell you about with the amount of companies out there building rockets that are going to be able to, there's going to be launching every other day.

It'll be one of those things. It'll be like, oh, I'm going for fertility treatment. Oh, that's exciting. You're going to spend some time on the moon. That's why all those rockets have been looking more and more phallic. You know, the SpaceX ones. Yeah, that's true. And yeah, being given phallic names.

So anyway, scientists from the University of Arizona are suggesting a radical approach to saving earth's animal life, including humans. So it's not just humans, all animals. They want to construct a gigantic sperm bank on the moon. And they say earth is a naturally volatile environment. According to them, several animal species are seriously endangered

and a disaster that wipes them out could come any day. So they're looking at starting the sperm bank and starting to design it. They say that it'll be 300 feet beneath the lunar surface is where they'll build it. It would offer them protection from meteors, extreme temperature changes and cosmic radiation. So there'll be sort of like a surface dome,

which you go into and then an airlock down to the seed vault 300 meters below the surface. Wait, so here's an opportunity here. What they could do is design the dome to look like the head of a penis. And then it goes down 300 meters underneath the surface of the lunar surface. That could be the giant shaft at the bottom.

Two large rooms that look like balls. And then just fill that with all our semen. That sounds really scientific. Imagine that. The architect presenting that as a design. In fact, I know some of our fans are great artists. This cross section of the new sperm bank, a giant cock inside the moon.

And also what fun. Why don't we design and do something like that? So if aliens do land on the moon, as their first forwarding reconnaissance base before they attack Earth, they discover this giant phallic phallus. That's a genius idea. Interestingly, I mean, just I know we're getting

very penicy in this chat, but someone was going through Google Maps a while ago and they discovered that there's an island on Earth that is shaped like a penis as well. And I'll just show you it here. There it is. Oh, wow. That is a proper cock and balls.

That's a very, very good-looking cock and balls. I know that island. That is Longdong. That is in the middle of the Pacific. That is the Pacific. Yeah, that's Longdong. Is that actually called Longdong? Actually, I'm so gullible.

I'm so gullible. I can get to that from here. It's near New Zealand. Oh, that is so... It's so juvenile, but it's so... It's so funny. It's beautiful. But it's Earth. Earth has done the juvenile-ness.

Yeah. Oh, my God, that's so good. Well, just around this article off is they're looking to preserve something like 6.7 million species of sperm so that they're going to try and sample everything on Earth. And it's going to take something like 250 rocket launches to transport 50 boxes of samples

in each of the 250 rockets, and in each 50s there's something, you know, hundreds of samples. So it's a huge undertaking. Imagine if that rocket explodes before it makes it out of the atmosphere. The rain. Well, think about it. Think about it.

That's how life on Earth could have originated with a rocket going past that got... Oh, yeah, with sperm samples. Yeah, and then what do they call that? There's a term called... Astrobiology. Yeah, when the seeds fly and they end up germinating

whatever the correct terms are on another celestial object, and then life begins. You know, that's one of the theories about how life started here. Panspermia. Panspermia. That's the one. Panspermia. The other thing we should chat about here is the fact that we are actually getting to the point

in our human history where we are effectively starting to make plans about getting off-planet, about civilization off-planet. That's what's really exciting here, is that in our lifetime, we're going to see that transition. So, of course, getting our base seed to move should be one of the first things we do, because if all goes to shit, at least we've still got that,

you know, to keep our living things living. quote, unquote, Rhys Darby, 2021. Copyright. Well, this is a really interesting point because it's kind of like... There is the question that is obviously left unanswered. It's like, either people need to be living on the moon to be able to re-engage that seed as it were.

If something happens on Earth, that wipes everybody out, because if it's all sitting up there and we wipe ourselves out, it's pretty useless to sperm there by itself on the thing. But also, or this whole set of stories, particularly the fact that the male reproductive is becoming a problem, it lends itself perfectly to that wonderful age-old theory of UFOs being time-traveling humans from the future,

because... 34 minutes in. For the... You record. I know, I just have to get this out super quick, because that's one of the main arguments that people that believe in this theory is that we have to come back to... You and Neil Masters.

It's Michael Masters. He's Neil. This is Uncle. He is... Sorry, Michael. Is that they need to come back and get sperm that is... Oh, because we've run out in the future. Which is why people who are often abducted by UFOs talk about the fact that quite often they get harvested

for their sperm. And I've got an actual story here of somebody giving a firsthand account of an abduction where they say that they were harvested. And can I read that quickly for you now? Yes, please, yep. I've transgressed straight into UFO news without even a sting. This is such a mess, this episode.

I'm so sorry. That's okay. We'll find our way back. It's like a choose your own adventure. Okay, well, I'll play this thing anyway. UFO. Up. Up. I'm going up. Date. And can we have another disclaimer?

Yeah. I forgot how I did the last one. Did I say this is the disclaimer? Yeah, the cryptid factor disclaimer. Yeah, okay. This is another disclaimer. The cryptid factor will return to weekly, but not only that,

also back to space update. Straight after this, UFO update. So your voice, it's so funny. People think you have this like really annoying high-pitched voice and you do that and it sounds so sexy.

Do that? This is news to me that people think I have an annoying high-pitched voice. From the only guy who's credited as being annoying from the show. Okay, moving right along. Okay. So this is an account of an alien abduction with a guy called John Velez. He's an artist who believes

he was abducted by aliens and this is from pbs.org. So this is public broadcasting. So it's not from some shonky website. It's actually on PBS. I won't go into too much of the details. I'll just go straight.

Maybe put in some sci-fi music. On the back of this because I'm getting a bit bored now. But I think it will take me through. Okay, here we go. Here's some sci-fi music and here's his

here's his account. The person from PBS asked, have you ever had an experience where you remember trying to struggle or cry out and if so, what happened? Um... Actually, no.

Hang on. Just hold it. Here we go. Is that about a sperm coming out? Is that? He literally got asked the question and he went... That's what... That's why the aliens chose this guy because

honestly, just get us a question sperm. So it's very easy to harvest from. We come to Earth but we're looking for very mature ejaculators. They're the easiest. We're sort of honing in on nerds, losers, those kind of guys who've

barely been with a girl. They're the ones we want. Oh, my God. It's too true. Okay. So the person from PBS asked the question, so you've probably had experiences

that might have to do with genetic experiments. Have you been part of this? And John Villa says, yes, on several occasions I remember being subjected to a procedure that involves taking semen. Placed on an operating table immobilized, I was induced

to have an erection. Mind you, there were no sexual feelings or any passion connected to this. It's a very cold procedure. I remembered feeling very stiff and sore in the groin region. And they have a cone-shaped device

that is attached to a long hose. It comes from a wall. They placed it over my genitals. I experienced an electrical tingling sensation and then an orgasm. The semen is collected by this device.

The aliens are usually expressed. You know, they are very pleased with the results. They get very excited. Wow, that's freaky stuff. So that's the penis news. Hey, just while we're on

UFO updates, just because it's relevant to the beginning of the show, the movie Four Weddings in a Funeral, made by Richard Curtis, there's the link back to Richard Curtis. When he wrote the script, it was directed by someone else, but he picked the song that he wanted to go with it, which is

I feel it in my fingers. Lovers all around, right? So, originally done by The Trogs, but redone by Wet Wet Wet for the movie. Now, it was a smash hit when Wet Wet Wet did it. It went massive in the pop charts, sold 2 million copies.

And the writer of that song, who was part of The Trogs, was a guy called Reg Presley. Now, he made in royalties over a million quid from that. It was a big moment. And he used that million quid

to hunt for aliens, crop circles, lost civilizations, and all sorts of UFO ancient alien kind of stuff. And he spent that entire amount of money setting up all of these UFO crews.

He was part of the Wiltshire Crop Circle gang that was looking for all of them. And he basically just ran his money into the ground, doing all sorts of research, and then passed away. But, you know, Richard Curtis is responsible

for funding a whole field of UFO research without knowing it. Oh, that's awesome. That's so brilliant. Yeah, he even had his own show called The Reg Presley UFO show, which reported the latest sightings of alien craft. He had 10,000

viewers around his hometown. He had exclusive files of UFO sightings. He would camp out with enthusiasts in Wiltshire watching the skies at night. This is the guy who gave us lovers all around. That is amazing. I love these kind of facts and I love that there's

people out there. It makes me sad as well that people put in such an effort in their lifetime to research ufology and get the answers, bring the truth, and then they pass away before, you know, disclosure happens.

But on that same note, while we're still in the UFO world, let me finally, if I can get a chance, give some thought to the news on this show before we close up. And I can easily stay in the

realms of of the penis. No. Definitely moving away from that, thank God. And to UFOs, there's a deadline for Pentagon to disclose UFO reports, and it's really coming up. So there's

some news that has been put out thanks to the researchers that have also thrown it our way. And it's been in most of the papers, a UFO report to be basically published soon, detailing difficult to explain sightings.

So this is just more UFO updates. I have an audio clip here, I'll play from, I believe, Fox News. Here we go. There's now a report that will be issued by the Pentagon, by the Secretary of Defense, and the Director of National

Intelligence. I actually wanted to get this information out and declassified before I left office, but we weren't able to get it down into an unclassified format that we could talk about quickly enough. But frankly, there are a lot more sightings than have been made public. Some of those have been declassified.

When we talk about sightings, we're talking about objects that have been seen by Navy or Air Force pilots, or have been picked up by satellite imagery, that frankly engage in actions that are difficult to explain, that movements that are hard to replicate, that we don't have the technology for,

or traveling at speeds that exceed the sound barrier without a sonic boom. So in short, things that we are observing that are difficult to explain. And so there's actually quite a few of those. And I think that that information is being gathered

and will be put out. Wow. There we have it. And we'll put that video up too. And you guys, if you saw what was happening in that video, very astonishing UFO scenario up in the sky there with one main light and then five

around them and they all dart off at different angles. So cool. That is not flares. That is nothing that we've seen before. Well, who was that guy talking as well, Reese? Yeah. So he's a former US National Intelligence Director. Wow. So he's a big wig.

Wow. The big wigs are coming out now and it's really, it's taken a long time for this, you know, drip-fed disclosure to happen and we're still in the middle of it. But, you know, there's a feeling that humans are finally getting the truth. We're getting it. And we're

starting to, rather than just like reveal an alien on the White House lawn, we are slowly getting these, OK, these are true. These videos are coming out. These bits are coming out. Officials, you know, really important figures in the military and stuff in a very serious manner

are revealing that, you know, there is stuff that we can't explain that we need to have a chat about. And so this really is, and I've said this before, but I think possibly this is it now 2021 the year of disclosure. I really like that he said before he left office he would have

like to have disclosed it, but they couldn't get it into an unclassified format which sort of sounds like when you're like, how do I change this into a PDF? What's this? I love the idea that they've been ready to disclose for years, but they just can't get

the formatting to, how do I attach this to the email? I have no idea. We're ready to disclose. Such a lovely idea. Another interesting point is that he says that the sightings have been made all over the world. So for those non-believers out there who say

it's just in the US, it's just in the middle of nowhere in the US that's just simply not true. Anyone who has put any effort into researching UFOs know that it really is all over the world these phenomenons and the

US picks it up a lot because they've just got more technology to find it and talk about it by population but we know even here in New Zealand we see UFOs all the time. So it's exciting to think that hopefully might have a few more answers by the end of the year.

Just listen to this. Also from Senator Harry Reid. This is a US senator. He says in a tweet, I'm glad the Pentagon is finally releasing this footage but it only scratches the surface of research and materials available.

The US needs to take a serious scientific look at this and any potential national security implications the American people deserve to be informed. These are the serious tweets that are coming out. Perhaps Biden is the guy

to really finally get to the bottom of this and admit the truth. Are we going to pivot back into space news in order to pivot back into the weird ways? We're still in the UFO world. We need

to return to space update and then get back to WWN. Yeah. I'm confused. Where are we? We're in space. We're three steps.

We've got two steps away. So we need to leapfrog back into space news in order to get back. It's time for space update. Space update. Okay. This was in Sky News.

March 18th. Three entirely new life forms discovered on space station. What? Yeah. A new species never seen before. No, they didn't see them.

Space stations are pretty small space. They're like, oh, guys, did you notice those three aliens sitting there? No! I've never opened that cupboard. It's amazing. I thought that was you, George, in a costume. No. I thought that was you, Mike.

Wow. So, yeah, a new species never seen before by science was discovered on the space station through advanced genetic testing. That still doesn't make any sense.

What was the animal? What was the thing? Did it just come in? They left the door open one day to the space station and it was like, oh, dude, some weird shit just came in through the door. American and Indian scientists

have examined four bacterial strains from the station and found that the three belonged to a species known to science. Right. So a rod-shaped bacteria, so it's rod-shaped,

this bacteria were found roughly five years ago in different locations on the space station, one on the surface of a dining table, one on an overhead panel at a research station, and another in the what? The disco lounge.

Hang on a minute. They have a... How did they... They've got a disco lounge up there. Disco lounge. Hey, what's this on the table here? Do you want a drink, mate? There's something weird on the table here.

Last drinks, guys. I can't make it to the bar. I just squirted out from there and the bubbles of liquid all float over to me. Just open your mouth. Yeah, the bacteria, so it's proven to be able to survive

the conditions on the space station, and they could, in fact, contribute to humans growing food in space, according to the researchers. So they're always trying to find bacteria and stuff. What sort of food is this? They're just going to grow this stuff. And dude, like, here's your dinner, mate.

What is it? Hey, I'm not eating that. That's just something you scooped up off the table in the disco lounge. Oh, come on, mate. It's going to be fine. Oh, that's brilliant. None of that makes any sense at all. That's my space update. So now, Dan,

have you got an extra thing before we hit back to the realms of the weird? Yeah, I got one quick space update, which is we've been talking about Mars perseverance and the fact that they were flying a helicopter drone up on Mars. So that's been launched.

They've done the helicopter. And one just tiny, nice little detail is that under the solar panel on the helicopter is a tiny bit of fabric that's been attached to it. And that fabric was taken

from the Wright Brothers plane that did the first flight on Earth. Oh, come on. So the first flight on Mars contains material from the first ever plane that got us there. It's arguable, isn't it? Yeah, it is arguable.

Oh, here we go. What I'm just saying. We can't, as New Zealanders, accept that the Wright Brothers came to pass, who is a Kiwi who invented a plane, created one in his back shed and had the first

arguably, I think it was what, four months or four weeks before the Wright Brothers? Yeah. Yeah, he had flight with it. But unfortunately, you know, it wasn't filmed, but there was one reporter and there was eye witnesses and, to top it all off, we have

an exact replica of the plane in one of our museums here in Auckland. What happened to the actual plane? Did he just destroy it? So he had powered flight. He was in it. It flew not very far, but it

flew kind of like over a hedge over properties and then I think crash landed. But we believe, as Kiwis, that it was the first engineered and powered flight. The same year as the Wright Brothers,

only four months prior. And even regardless of whether or not he flew first, or even how well he flew, he was the first mono plane, like mono wing configuration. Yeah, it had wing flaps

and rear elevators, which the Wright Brothers didn't have. It had tricycle undercarriage with a steerable nose wheel. So the first sort of like, that's what planes are now, right? Tricycle, two wings, two tires on the wings and a steerable one at the front. I don't know what planes you're flying in, but there's not

many with tricycle wheels. I don't want the listeners to think that New Zealanders got those old things. Yeah. Anyway. Can you imagine back in the day getting on one of these early planes and just the guy,

just before I get on this, can you tell me where the wheels, what are they from? They're from a tricycle. Yeah, it's a little tricycle, but you'll be fine, mate. We're going to go, how high are we going up? Right up into the sky. You're thinking we're going to land on these tricycle wheels.

Oh, yeah, mate. Have a big foot, Dick. Thank you very much. Lovely, very lovely. Isn't it weird that the Wright Brothers used to, didn't they have a bicycle shop before they did a plane as well? Yeah, so there it is, the similarity.

I think it's... Yeah. Did they have tricycles? Well, that's great. This is real tangent town. Anyone who's listening to this on their way to Works thinking, wow, have I just taken Ketterman? What are we talking about? How many different subjects can you talk about

in one minute? But I think we've successfully found our way back to WWWN. Weekly World, we're in news. Crazy, freaky, watch out. Yes, here we are. Worked our way back out of Prypton Inception. Yeah.

Fortunately, because of our lack of time, we're going to have to skip that. We can release ourselves from it. What? Yeah. Because I think we need to do some cryptid news before we sign off. Oh, okay. Attention, all personnel, it's time for this week's cryptid

group chat. Help me! I've got a quick thing. I'll power through it very quickly. I love when you read latest ideas for how cryptids are, how they exist, new biological elements to them. And I read a paper

which theorizes that mermaids glow, bi-luminescently glow. Oh, wow. So this is from cryptidlab.com and it's basically someone has made the suggestion what if they were bi-luminescent like a lot of animals

and it would make sense of a lot of the legends. For example, mermaids were famous for luring sailors overboard so that they could then eat them in the ocean. How would you do that while not causing a stir if you had to

be like, oh, sailor, sailor! You know, from down below, you would get all the crew there, but crew members would go missing. So the thought was that it would be a beautiful blue light that was coming from the surface of the ocean that would attract a sailor going, what is that? What's this beautiful light down there?

And as they were getting there, then they would sort of be lured over with a this, hey, come, come here. I'm a really hot lady kind of thing. Hey, come into the ocean. Jump into the ocean. Hey. Just very subtly.

Hey, sailor. Let's see what this blue light is down here. It's nice, isn't it? Come and see what this is. You must be sick of all those guys up there on the boat. How long has it been? Come down here and have a little bit of fun with us down here. So that was the idea.

And they've put together a new theory and they've said, is this a new example of luminescent cryptids, which I didn't even know was a category, glowing cryptids. So, that's awesome. I just like that.

I like new theories that sort of postulating. It's plausible because yeah, the luminescence thing, it just attracts us for sure. Anytime you, you know, as a real tourist attraction, when you see those go to those places that have the luminescence over the oceans and it's normally algae that lights up

and yeah, as humans, we are turned on by shiny things. So, makes sense. There's that thing they used to say where you would hit patches in the ocean where you would disturb and create the bioluminescence from the animals. It'd be so bright

that it would feel like it was daylight. It would read at 3am in the morning, you know, from a book based off that light coming out. Nature is so freakin' weird, man. It's so awesome. It is and we have a fourth official sighting

of Loch Ness Monster. Registered this year. So, I have it here. This was in Brobible, also sent to me by a researcher. A witness sees black shapes in the water. So, let me share this screen with you guys.

So, here we go. Because what I didn't know is that you can have a sighting, but unless you make it official, then it's not apparently an official sighting. That makes title sense.

I wonder if that ties into last week when we were talking about you can see something, but unless you bring it up that you've actually seen it later on, you haven't actually seen it. No, I think that does tie into that realm. Remember that? Yes, very well.

So, let's have a look and see if this video here works. So, there's the video. Now, have a look. Keep looking at the centre of the blue. That's the lock and you will soon see there. See it?

It's gone. No, I didn't see it. Wait, what was that? There was a UFO flying through. There was something. And that's not even mentioned. I'm going to go back on this video. Let's go back again.

I was too distracted by you pointing out that the blue thing in the video is the lock. So, which bit's the lock, Rhys? So, you can see. The green is the field. That's the sheet. I was looking at the white thing. That's the sky.

So, you want a blue area. That's on the middle. That is Loch Ness. I'm going to now go back to the start of the vid. And let's check it out. Keep your eye... There it is. See something submerging? Sorry, emerging.

Well, the video's not playing for me. Oh, right. Sometimes I just do things. Are you sure this isn't just a photo of Loch Ness and it's all happening in your brain? Who's uncadding me now? You thought that was good. Now, actually watch it with the video playing.

Here we go. Keep your eyes on the lock. That's the blue mass in the middle there. So, you can see a slight black thing emerging. See that? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Oh, what is that? It's actually looking at it now as probably a couple of birds. Yeah. But let's go back to what we're supposed to be looking at. And there's some more movement in the lock there. So, this, as a reminder, is the

19th official sighting. I thought it was the fourth. Oh, was it? Oh, shit. I'm saying it's the 19th. Plus, we were trying to figure out what the lock was. There was another, like, 11

sightings. Keep watching. There it is. So, you can see, I mean, honestly, it's so far away. That's official? It doesn't take much to become official. Well, yeah, I guess so.

It's very, very... That's something fairly big, emerging. And it's not just a once... It's a bit of a stretch. Let's face it. Well, say what you will, but there it is. It's official. Okay, well, that's really...

Well, it's exciting that there's more lockness sightings, regardless. But I have one thing which is not debatable at all, because there's very, very clear photo evidence of it. It's just debatable whether it is actually a crypto or not. Mothman has been picked up

by Google Maps. Ooh. It's so exciting. Please say he was found on that penis island. Yeah, would be... So, where do you live, Mothman? Long dong. So, as we know, Google Maps,

people have, you know, a lot of fun going and finding things that were caught by the cameras that roam around the streets continuously around the world. Well, there's one that was a little bit scary. This one particular Google mapper was driving around

in the Clinton F. McClintic Wildlife Management area in West Virginia in the United States. So, have you seen? What kind of name is that? Well, is it... McClintic really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? That's a great place. It sounds like a lovely place

for Mothman to hang out, because if you have a look here, lurking on the side of just a little lane, the thing is this. Oh. So, what it is for those listening at home

is effectively what looks like a human-sized fly with a sort of, like, clearly man-sized with a couple of red glowing eyes, massive the size of probably half a bowling ball each. And then

big wings, like, quite cool-looking, demonic-looking wings and a very black, shiny... It looks cool. It looks really cool. Yeah, so... But it's clearly a dress-up. Well, it could be. It's pretty... I mean, who knows? Who knows? Well, what I love is the idea...

Imagine if that actually wasn't a costume that was Mothman, and we're all here laughing at him. Oh, come on. Where'd you buy that suit? Go back to Longdong, mate. So... I guess the one question is if it is somebody in a dress-up,

how would they know that he's obviously standing there all day, every day, waiting for a Google Mapper to drive past? They only drive past once in a blue moon. So how would they... How... How was they to know? Maybe his friend drives the Google car and he said,

hey, why don't we set this up? But... Exactly. Maybe. That's... It's a bit of a stretch. So, anyway, that's pretty exciting. And I will add that it is a decent costume. I mean, it's clearly a costume, but it's the first time I've seen... Yeah. I want one if it is...

Yeah. It's... It's a... It's definitely a human fly with... with moth wings. Yeah. So, I can't believe you interrupted my fourth official, possibly 19th, sighting with something as

ridiculous as that. I didn't even get to talk about, you know, who's... who had my sighting. And I want to, if I can, just to kit him in this up a little bit more, go back to my bit. So, if you are the chap who who made this sighting

wants to be credited, the witness, 56-year-old Ian O'Faidua Haigian of Donegal. I'm glad you cleared that up. I'm really glad you cleared that up. And that's the correct pronunciation of his Irish name.

Catamins definitely kicked in there. He claims to have spotted Nessie rising up and down near Iroquart Castle in the Highlands, which is right there, one of the best spots to see Nessie in the lock. And so, that's the video I

played. Just in case Button's segment does get edited out. Although, I don't think it will because he's editor. I'm definitely not going to edit this better. Well, there we have it. What?

Wait, wait, wait. Before we go, I've got a heartwarming story to end on, and I think you guys are going to really like this. Oh, okay. So, this is just a lovely story. There's a hospital in Edinburgh that it's the Edinburgh Children's Hospital

charity, and they were moving, relocating all the kids that were in there into a new hospital, but they were really worried that they didn't have a good enough reason for why they were going to be moving. So, they decided that they were going to make the kids

the building had to be moved, or relocated, because the current building they were in was being attacked by a giant sea monster. I love it. And so, what they did was they built a massive inflatable

set of tentacles and attached it to the building. And this is, yeah, it's a sea monster called Ollie. And unfortunately, because Ollie has attacked the building, they all need to move.

I think he's a friendly sea monster, but it's just great for the imagination for kids. That is so cool. A friendly sea monster attacking the building. So, this is Dan has put a picture up of that for us to witness, and you need to put this up on the socials so that the

listeners can check this out. It's a giant building, and it's got huge inflatable tentacles coming out of the windows. They're in a cartoony form. And so, it looks fantastic. Yeah, it's beautiful. Isn't that cool? That's a great thing

about humanity right there. Think about the youth. And also, once they've finished with it, they may come up for auction, and you'll be able to buy them and put them at your house, Rhys. Yeah. Or sell them on that toy website. What was it?

My G-small hairy pricks. Yeah, it's death by toys as well. Yeah. Okay, well... I can see Buttons is really pushing to go. He's been the last four minutes. He's been walking around. People waiting for me.

I'm an important thing. I'm an important... In theory, we had a really quick show, but then you jumped us away into space news, and they went into, what was it, sperm news? I don't know what it was. I want you both to apologise for all the dick humour in this episode

officially. Yeah, sorry about that. Yeah, it's a lot of dick humour. Well, it was scientific dick humour. Yeah, and it was better. It was good for human civilisation. It was important news, some of it. I'll never forget the first Shriverian idea,

which was just a small, furry, bigfoot dick. I thought with a name like that, I'd get classy stuff. Yeah, you did say. It can't get any lower, Brow. So that's a good starting point. So Shriverians, that's your base level. Go from there.

But that's it. Alright, love you guys. See you next week. See you soon. See you next week. Bye. Happy birthday, Reese. You