The Cryptid Factor - 74: #074 The Padding Issue

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

In this issue Buttons gives his masterclass on padding - which is so good that even the internet takes up the skill. There's busy exorcists and satan himself rating apps, Mona Lisa gets cake on her face and Rhys gets a LinkedIn. Also in this ep - Dolphins don't get memories from dolphin-piss, whales do get mistaken for monsters by showing their bits and Buttons don't want you to buy his old Alien book. Oh, there's also some meagre scratchings at some Cryptid news too... but it's all pretty lame... but at least we're honest!

The Cryptid Factor, with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber. Two weeks in a row! This is the beginning of a new streak from the elusive three streakers who brought you that Guinness record-breaking run in 2020! The time is nigh, so drink, get high on our knowledge of the unknown once again. The world's a mess, I must confess, even breathing hurts my brain. But we all need something to do, don't we, while we're waiting for Pirates Season 2. So tell your friend, and this will end this long intro I'm talking about. Have you told him? Good, alright, because we're back! Oh, wow. I get exhausted listening to those. Yeah, I want to give you more time to, you

know, research your stories. It's very kind of you. Each week these intros are getting longer. It's very, very kind of you, thank you. As the theme chew was playing, this might not make it to the edit, Buttons suddenly says, oh, let me find some stories. Where are you looking now? Where are you looking while we're behind the scene? Take us into the world of Buttons. Google's open, what are you pressing? Emergency story! I'm so busy doing all the other stuff, the editing and all of that, that then it comes time to recording. And I'm like, oh, that's right, you have to actually prepare to do a podcast, don't you? Like homework. Some might say. So what I did, I did my homework

very quickly by going to our lovely Patreon Cryptid Knights messages where they say, oh, here's an interesting article. Well, we should be tapping more into that. That's what I was going to say. I think we should, you know, we're not using it enough. There's amazing resources there from the fans. And we honestly do get messages every week. And I go through them. And then foolishly, I think just out of habit, I still just look up my own stories. What are we doing? So I think I think we can all learn from that. And definitely, this week, at least, let's do one of our stories and do one from the message board. Yeah, let's go. Why don't we do two from the message board? That's another option. I'm just

suggesting that could be another way to do it. All right. Well, you know, you, I think you could. I will. Those that haven't actually researched anything. Hands up. This is great. Usually, you have to pay people to research for you. But in this case, they're paying us to research for us on the Patreon. I can't believe it. We've clocked it. But seriously, this is exciting two weeks in a row. I can't believe it. I really hope this continues. If it doesn't, hey, it's been great. Thanks, everyone. See you in a couple of months. Well, we've made a promise to ourselves and to everybody.

And a special hi to all the new fans. I think we've got some new listeners now. I am. So thanks for joining us. We hope you enjoy the show. And if not, what should they do? I'm stumped. I can't even imagine people not enjoying the show. I'm just literally, my brain's going, what, what are you saying? That was that even possible? Well, can I just go back to just before the theme tune started playing as well? And Dan, I thought it was really lovely what you were talking about, how you like listening to our show and that you're effectively our show's biggest fan.

I am. I am because I pay for the Patreon, but also I've sort of forced my way into the show itself. I've got a front row fancy. I still miss Farrier. It's not as good. It's not as good as Farrier went, but you know, I'm hanging in there just in case it picks up somehow. I love that. Screw David Farrier. Look, you're way better than that guy. Come on. Exactly. I'm telling him. Don't tell him that.

Just be careful. I think that could be the same person. You're lucky he's not a Patreon fan like me. There he goes. Our chances of getting Farrier back on the show. Hang on. Isn't Shriver still on a trial period? I think I'm on a trial period as well. Are you? You're definitely still on one. You're on a 20 year trial. I told you that from the beginning. Okay. And you're over halfway through now, aren't you? Isn't it been 10 years? It's been like 12, 13 years. I'm getting close. It's exciting.

How come dad's trial period was like one episode? He was straight on. Like after one episode, his name got into the titles. He was exceptional in that episode and that handover episode. Oh my God. I mean, he was signed up for a 20 year trial as well, but I just ticked it off. I went, no, no, your throat. And I'm just checking my notes here on you buttons. And yeah, you're still not there. I'm looking at your point scores. You're very low. Are they? You're still holding on, but I was hoping for better edits, faster production, less waffling, research done weeks in advance. None of this has come through. You've got very little stars here.

Hang on. Between you giving me a report card and me having to do homework, this is becoming awfully like school. And I was terrible at school and I'm terrible at this. That's why. Well, hopefully I'll graduate one day and be a big grown up. Well, you know what happens when you do, when the trial period is over and it could be cut short from 20 years, you get your name in the goddamn titles. So that's what we're selling here. I've got it here and writing. Oh, and writing. Yep. Once he does well enough for me to be happy with him, I will put his name in the titles alongside bands and eyes. Oh, is that right? Is that what causes that?

Once I'm happy, it says once I'm happy with him. So we're still working on that. The once I'm happy with him clause. Now, if you just, if you just turn your contract to clause once I'm happy with him. You signed it. That's a very good point. Well, I'm very, very, very glad to even just be getting straight D's in this because even though I'm flunking, I'm having a lot of fun. So just like school, I had a lot of fun at school and I screwed that up as well. So, yeah, it's all about having fun, isn't it? You only live once or twice. And I think, let's be honest, we may live forever.

You will. You're immortal. Yeah. Well, it doesn't mean we can't have fun. You can't have like, right, this life I'm going to do real serious and, you know, just try my best to not have fun and I'll have fun in the next life. You can't take that risk. Agreed. Wow. I tell you what, what a start to this episode, getting a report card. Where's Dan's report card? I got it. I nailed it on the opening show. Yeah.

I nailed it pre-show because I arrived with my name in the title. It was there. I hadn't even spoken yet. He found a loophole. He found some sort of loophole. Once he's in the titles, then you don't even get a report. Well, you probably have got a report card for me as well. Actually, let's not even go there. Well, I tell you where we should go, and that's into our famous segment that everyone's waiting for. It is, of course. Weekly World Weird News.

Crazy. Freaky. Watch out. Okay. Well, the great thing about getting a report card and... We've done that bit, mate. We're in the new post. We're in the new segment. Are you still going on about... Oh, my goodness. I try to move things off.

This is all going in the report buttons. I'm sorry. It's another mark off you. No, but... Get the hint when I move things on. Don't go... Oh, that's great. But also now, with the report situation... No. I'm just trying to say that during that, I actually got some great research done whilst you were talking more about this than that. That is clever.

See? I was petting, petting, petting. God, he's the god of petting. Yeah. And you are good at that, because you know what? I didn't even see it. I didn't see it at all. All right. You're getting some points there. You're getting some points. Oh, thank you.

God, that's... You know what you did? You did that thing that they do in movies like The Incredibles and other movies, where you get the villain to just talk and tell the whole plan... Yes. ...while you're planning the escape. Yeah. That's getting the villain to talk. Wait. Wait. Am I the villain? Hang on. Dan just called you the villain.

Start a report card for him. That's surely, that's a mark against him. He called you a villain, Mr. Darby. That is a mark off, Dan. Unfortunately, though, Dan's report card is gone, because he didn't need one. So I could start a new one. Pardon. I just realised, I think I am the villain out of us three.

Oh, God. No. You're the hero. Yeah. You're Indiana Jones. Yes. Promise. Okay. Thanks. Yes. Yeah.

Thank you. That's your Han Solo. That's Chewbacca up there. Oh, okay. God, that makes me feel better. Even your laugh was almost nearly that. Yeah. It was almost chewy. You speed it up and link it together and deepen it, and then lengthen it.

There we go. Actually, that's more like Jabba. I'm not a massive Star Wars fan, as you can see. I'm a medium, medium fan. Okay. Let's do some headlines. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I look buttons. It looks like you haven't found yet. No, I haven't!

Oh, my God. Wait. Was the last five minutes more padding? God, he's good. He's good. Thank you. Thank you, guys. This is a master class. I'm ready now. Oh, my God.

Okay. Let's go. Come on, guys. Let's get into the news. Let's move things along. Come on. Let's go. You know that internet series Master Class, where you have like Dan Brown talking about books. You should have about how to pad, and then the whole video is you just talking going,

we'll get onto it soon. Oh, that is genius. Oh, my God. An hour of padding. An hour of padding. We're going to just take this episode. This is the master class of padding. It's just to charge people to watch this and learn how to pad.

Dan, don't be fooled. He's still padding. He's padding right now. He totally got me as well. Good. All right, Pennington. Will you come up with the first story then? Come on. What do you got? Where's your headline?

My first article is a rare book predicting alien life discovered in the Cotswolds. Oh. That's really good. I like that because I didn't see that one. I didn't see that. That's great. Normally, the ones he comes up with, I'm like, oh, I read that one.

I chose not to go with that one. Yes, because I'm usually using the ones from the Patreon that you've probably seen as well. Oh, that's why I've seen them. Okay, that's exciting. For me, I just think we missed this one, so I want to bring it up because it seems silly not to. And that's the man who dressed as an elderly woman

and smeared cake on the Mona Lisa. Oh, yes. Yeah. That's an exciting story. My one is angry, tired, Vatican exorcists complain that they've got too many demonically possessed people to cure. Oh, that is brilliant. And that ties back to last week's episode

where I was demonically possessed. Oh, yes. Oh, shit. From going to Skinwalker Run. That's right. It does, too. Wow. Well done.

Did you say well done to yourself? For making that link. Well done. Well done, Buttons. That was great. That should go on my report card. Can you put that on my report card, please? Well, seeing as it links into last week's

possession of Buttons, let's lead into that one, Dan. Let's go with that. All right. Let's go for it. So in the Vatican, they actually have courses that they teach in exorcism. So they have 120 people that come annually to an exorcism thing. And this happened because Pope Francis has been given speeches

talking about how exorcisms are a good thing to do. So it's kind of like revitalized the idea of exorcisms. The issue is that basically when they go to do these exorcisms, they sometimes think, is this person actually demonically possessed? Or are they just something a bit wrong going on upstairs? And do they need a psychologist instead? And so they get stuck. Like one guy was exhausted after I think it was eight or nine hours

of doing an exorcism. And he got to the end going, I'm not sure the devil's actually in her. I think maybe she might just need to talk to a psychiatrist. And maybe take some meds. And so they're complaining that they're not getting any backup. And they have so many of these demons to exercise. And they're knackered. And then one of the biggest things that they got complaining about

is the fact that they were being asked to perform exorcisms on people who not only had the devil in them, but perhaps more dangerously had COVID. And so they were like, I don't want to get COVID while I'm trying to expel the devil from this person. You know, I need safer conditions for when their head is spinning and they're upside down, vomiting out of the ceiling from the ceiling. I can deal with that.

I just don't want, you know, I don't want COVID. Exactly. So that's the situation. And they also saying that the symptoms of COVID are very similar to the symptoms of being demonically possessed. Is that hard to tell? And like, oh, they've come in with these symptoms. They sort of check all the boxes for both demonic position and COVID.

Is it like a PCR for exorcisms or like devil? Yes, you've got two lines. That's, that's Satan, I'm afraid. Yeah, I've got Satan. You've got Satan inside you. I should have known from your head spinning when you turned up here. You're going to have to self isolate for, I don't know, the rest of your life. So yeah, but it's quite surprising that Vatican is so into exorcism.

So I didn't fully appreciate that that was still going on. Still going on. Yeah, it's been going on for God hundreds and hundreds of years. And it's still happening. And I guess it sounds to me like they're getting to a point where maybe they're actually starting to admit that a lot of these cases are mental health issues. If not, let's be honest, most of them.

Yeah. And it sounds like that's kind of where they're at right now. Yeah, I think they're just also they're just overworked generally, even with the people who they do believe have the devil inside them. But it's interesting, they did a survey and they've found that Italy has 290 active exorcists that you can book an exorcist from the Yellow Pages kind of thing. 37 in Spain, so a lot lower. But then 28 in the UK and Ireland, active exorcists, full time.

Wow. Yeah. And in Manila, they have a dedicated office and team according to this article. I'm kind of surprised there's not an app for that yet, because you can now get counseling via an app. You can get an accountant and everything via online services. Yeah. Surely.

Have you looked to see whether there's an app? There probably is. I've just Googled exorcists near me and and it's come up here. Is that because you're a villain and you're trying to get, you're trying to get, is that why villains do? No, but look, I've just it's come up here. The first thing was an ad, Compassionate Exorcism Service. 100,000 plus people helped.

Oh, hang on. Symptoms. Let's have a look. Common symptoms of spirit attachment are both mental and physical. What all our clients have in common is that they were similarly unhappy, lost or deprived of hope for the future. God, that sounds like everybody right now in this day and age. Yeah.

Yeah. This is spirit attachment could happen to anybody. Chronic fatigue. Hang on. This is going very COVID here. Chronic fatigue, frequent headaches, digestive disorders, powerful negative emotions. Oh, this is a full on heavy sleep problems, blah, blah, blah. I think I'm going to get out of this.

I'm worried about that. Here we go. Exorcists near West Hollywood. I'm clicking on that. Oh, here we go. I found one. Lisa Gutierrez Haley, Exorcist, Paranormal Investigator, Spirit Interventions Services. And that she's got a LinkedIn thing.

Oh, nice. Give her a call. Hang on. Are you actually calling her? No, you've got to join LinkedIn. I can't do it. I'd love to see your LinkedIn. I've been offered so many times to join or at least to ask.

I don't know whether you get a written offer, but I might be thinking of movies there. To join LinkedIn. And every time I'm like, no, I don't want to be LinkedIn. I don't know what you're talking about. What would it say on your LinkedIn? First of all, your jobs would be starting from the New Zealand military as a signal man. Yeah. And then what?

Well, then barbecue factory, obviously. You know, I was also a rickshaw rider for a while. Remember? You're not even joking. It's amazing. What a career. And then I was a guard at a clothes store in Edinburgh. Remember?

Just paid under the table just to be security, watching out for pickpockets. And then I worked in the hot dog store. Remember? I made hot dogs for a while. And then it was obviously comedian the whole way through, dabbling. And then finally earning money as a comic. And then I dropped, well, the last job I had was a sandwich delivery boy. And that was working around London.

London. Yeah. I was on that bike and I had my sandwiches and my little trolley on the back and a thermos. And I'd go around all the businesses and I ended up just leaving that job. That was my last actual job. And then now I'm actor and stuff. That's my LinkedIn. Can somebody out there please make Reese a LinkedIn and fill that up?

But make it sound really epic. Like sandwich delivery expert or sandwich delivery consultant or, you know, like you're just going to pad it out a little bit and make it a little bit more, which is what I'm doing now because I haven't read my article. So whilst I got you to read your LinkedIn, I was just reading my article. We've got full again. Oh my God, he's been padding. You know, it's just.

Here I am thinking, oh, he's interested in my CV. No, no, I am. And if you watch him subtly as you're raving on, he's always looking off to the side. Even when you talk to the guy in person, I think he's literally doing something else. And that's why he always comes across like, oh, I'm so interested in hearing about what you're up to. And as you're talking away and you're thinking about what you want to say, you know, he starts to move off to the side and his phone comes out. Honestly, the world's greatest pattern.

Petting. Hey, by the way, I did find a Catholic Exorcism app that you can get. Oh, it does exist. Well, I was petting. Yeah. Oh, you were petting. The definitive Catholic Exorcism app created by the St. Michael Center for Spiritual Renewal. It's downloaded 10,000 plus times.

It has prayers for priests, exorcists. It has an Ask an Exorcist section. It's got Diary of an Exorcist. Yeah. And it's got some, you know, it's got some good reviews. It's got a five-star review. Oh, someone's written, it would be a five-star. But the recent text size update has made the text paragraphs unable to see in my screen.

Cool. Okay. It did get rid of Satan, but it was really hard to read. I could barely read it. Don't mean to be picky. You know what you should do on that, mate, is give it a one-star from Satan. Not happy with it. Over 10,000 times I've been ejected.

Ostracized. Not happy with what's going on here. Can no longer be inside people. Not a fan of this app. One-star. Isn't it amazing? That's when the one-stars become five-stars. You have to be very careful with the researching now,

because you have to see who gave the one-stars and figure out whether or not they are somebody who should actually hate that app. Yeah. Then it makes it automatically a five-star. Yes, you're right. Well, this is why I've always stood by my idea of everything should be a one-hundred-star system, because it gives you, you know, five is not enough. You can just go chuck five in there, give it four if you're not quite sure,

three if you're halfway through it. But I think, you know, if you have a one-hundred scale, you've really got to make the effort and go, okay, honestly, I've really got into this. I've really thought about it. I'm giving it twenty-six. What are you giving twenty-six stars? Oh, that's just an example. All right.

All right. I thought you were writing this podcast. Oh, no, no. But earlier, Rhys, you said that Buttons' report card had not enough stars on it. I'm just curious. Yeah. Well, is it a hundred-star system? It is.

It is. It is. And I think, to be honest with you Buttons, that's where I got the twenty-six from. It's from your report. So that's what you're sitting on at the moment. That's awesome. Are you kidding me? That's great.

That's pretty good. That's way better than I got at high school. Okay. I want you to also know that it does fluctuate. It's not constantly getting up to twenty-six. It goes back and forth. So you were on fourteen last week. And my padding abilities got me up to twenty-six.

Yeah, I was blown away. Thank you. Yeah, that was huge. Oh, well, that's really good because that was just some more padding then, because I've just read my second article. So I'm good to go now, guys. All right, well, let's get your one then. What was yours?

Yours was... Oh, yes. Yours was exciting. Rare book predicting alien life discovered in the Cotswolds. Tell us where the Cotswolds is for some of the audience members that may not know. Cotswolds is the UK, isn't it? Yeah. Dan, is that up north or something?

Yeah, no. I have no idea. But it's, yeah, it's in the UK. People go there for their holidays. Yeah. Isn't there some nice boating that happens there and picnics and things? Yes, yes, there is. I thought, Dan, Dan, I thought this is your...

You live in the UK. He's not a fan. Not a fan of holiday or boating. Okay. Well, this is a very rare book and it is actually coming up for auction. And it really tested me whether or not I should use this article because I genuinely want to bid on it. And now I'm talking about it on a podcast and making more people aware of it.

So people should feel very lucky to hear about this because I wanted to keep it private. Well, let's just put a disclaimer now. Enjoy this news article, but please, listeners, do not bid on this book. Buttons really want it, okay? I really want it. Promise us now, listeners, because they're nice people. Pinky promise. Pinky promise.

Yeah, okay, good. You're away. Well, you know what? Our biggest fan is actually going to probably want to bid on this. Me? What, Dan? Yeah, he's a pretty bookworm. Guy, I'm telling you, he's the worst.

So make a pinky promise. No, like, no, no way. Oh, no, it's going to be exciting. It's going to be between you two who's going to end up getting the book. How much is it? You got a lot more money than me. How much is it? Well, I don't know, do I?

Yeah, you do, because I'm spending all of mine on this bloody lower tier Patreon that we've set up. I'm broke, mate. And I'm making all your money. I'm going to buy this book with your money from Patreon. I'm paying you, Teresa. Okay, so this book is actually first published, and well, it's actually only one publishing of it,

and it was in 1698. Oh, I love it. And it was found at a free antique valuation event. And inside, author Christian Huygens explores his fascination with the potential existence of extraterrestrial beings. His name sounds familiar. Huygens. Yeah.

Mr. Spence, the book valuer, said its contents seemed almost comical. See, he's the wrong person to be auctioning this book if he thinks it's comical. Come on. Yeah, that's true. But is he auctioning it now? Is he not back in the 1600s? No, no, he's the current auctioneer.

Okay. So the book, it's titled, quite lengthy title. It's called The Celestial World Discovered, or Conjectures Concerning the Inhabitants, Plants and Productions of the Worlds in the Planets. Is that right? That's a big title. A big title, yeah.

Huygens questions why God would have created other planets just to be looked upon from Earth, which is a great question. That's a question we're asking ourselves now. He concludes that aliens must have hands and feet like humans because of their convenience, writing, what could we invent or imagine that could be so exactly accommodated all the designed uses as the hands are? Shall we give them an elephant's pro-bosics?

That sentence doesn't make any sense. Did I read that wrong? Oh, it's the 1600s. Oh, I definitely read it wrong. I guarantee that without even listening to it. Wow, he suggests that celestial beings must have feet unless they have found the art of flying in some of those other worlds. The writer believed aliens enjoyed astronomy and observation,

sailed boats and listened to music, but also suffered misfortunes, wars, afflictions, and poverty because that's what leads us to invention and progress. Wow, that's really, really true. Very deep. So this guy just to quickly, because his name rang a bell and I realized I've actually been reading about him a couple of weeks ago. This guy was a Dutch mathematician.

He was a physicist. He's an inventor. He's an astronomer. He's one of those polymaths that was seen as one of the greatest scientific minds of his time. He invented the pendulum clock, for example. In 1657. And he wrote a lot of books that were hugely influential

and natural philosophy and all the territories of science that he covered. And he's an amazing character. So you can see why his thinking was almost, as you say, buttons the questions we're asking now. He was ready. He was there. Very much ahead of his time. Was he an inventor as well?

So it sounds like an early Tesla type, doesn't it? Absolutely. Also an early Avi Loeb type. And the fact as well that he was a scientist bold enough to be able to suggest that maybe there is more than just our civilization, that there are other civilizations. But I think all scientists do say that. I think Avi's may be saying one step further

that maybe they're visiting. I think you'd be hard pressed to meet a scientist who doesn't think there's life in the universe. They just don't think necessarily we're being visited. In fact, one of the best theories that I read recently is that there is lots of life in the universe, but they're stuck underwater. So they can't get to us.

Oh, that's amazing. Because the conditions of our situation with the moon is, and just the way that things have come about in the fortunate Goldilocks kind of way that it's happened for us, it's meant that we've been able to exist above water with oxygen and stuff like that. And there's one thought that that hasn't happened. So they exist.

They just can't, they don't even know there's really a universe. They're all mermaids and mermin. Funnily enough, that does actually lead very nicely to my second article, which I have been reading whilst padding. I like how you self-pad with your own first article as well. I noticed that. So you're padding away. I was researching.

As you're telling us about the first article, you're actually looking up the second one and reading that, which I thought was very highly skilled. You've got a couple more stars on your report now. Thank you. You're actually up to 30. 30 stars? Yeah.

And how many do I got to get to to get my name in the titles? 100. You've still got a fair way to go. I don't think you'll do it this episode. All right. I don't know. I might be amazing. You never know.

I'll just read the headline of my second article, because we said we're going to do two, which is, the aliens are all hanging out on Dyson spheres, circling white dwarf stars. Physicists argue. I love that he one of us brings up a blatantly, intensely like scientific article

that once we start reading, full of words we've never heard of. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to struggle with that. Oh, Peds, he's not going to get his way out of that one. I'm doing nothing more than reading that, and that's me done.

Well, is it a Dyson? Dyson, what did you say? A Dyson vacuum cleaner. They're up around Dyson vacuum cleaners. Oh, cool. Is that where the heck is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something like that, a sphere.

It's a new type of vacuum cleaner called the Dyson sphere. So, I don't know. I don't know. I haven't patted enough, guys. Let me pad a little bit more. Who's your barber, by the way? Reese? No, no, no, no, no.

He is looking amazing. This is what padding is. I can see through this pad. I can see this. I can see through it. You're going to lose stars. You're going to lose stars. I was going to say to you that my funnily enough,

even though I haven't had a chance to do my first story yet, because old Peds, he's pushing through, my second story is about a Dyson apparatus. Oh, wow. No. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

So. This is another coincidence. Exactly. We're doing the full synchronicity again. But let me first take you back to a story that came out a few weeks ago that I thought we really should cover because it was pretty funny and pretty weird.

And that is this man who dressed as an elderly woman in a wheelchair, complete with wig and makeup, only to go to the Louvre and smear cake on the famous Mona Lisa. Yeah. So, fortunately, because I saw the image and you saw the cake on it, and then you saw that the security guard,

who was meant to be protecting it, had basically smudged it, wiped it away, and it looked so much worse after the smudge. Oh, really? But what I didn't realize, I did not know, because I've not seen the Mona Lisa in person, is that the Mona Lisa is one of the only paintings, I think in the Louvre, that has a glass sheet over it.

Yes, it does. So, I had no idea, because when I saw that moment, I thought, oh, my God, that security guard is screwed. Yeah. The water. A scene from when Mr. Bean is looking after the art gallery, and it just makes it even worse. But also, what was his cause?

Like, what was he doing after? So, after he did this, so just to reiterate, okay, dressed up as an old lady, complete with wig and lipstick, in a wheelchair, it's like, for me, I'm imagining some sort of Peter Sellers character, you know? Yeah, well, no, I'm imagining you from... Oh, short poppies, yes.

I said, what are your characters from short poppies? You're pretty much Peter Sellers. Exactly. So, there you go. And then, got up, did the thing, threw this bit of cake, and then yelled, think of the earth. That was it. That's your big moment.

He's probably had a huge, big manifesto to read out. Yeah. So, think of the earth, is what he said. Now, obviously, luckily, the Mona Lisa was inside a bulletproof glass case, okay? Which, and the reason behind that, is because there's been a few other things thrown at Mona Lisa over the years,

and I'll get to that in a minute. And that's why they've got to the point of, we've just got to have, it's got to be bulletproof as well. So, she's, I say she, you know, definitely a he, I think. But why is, I think just to avoid suspicion, obviously, you know, and push me along in an old, in a wheelchair, and no one's going to suspect, and I'll be able to get quite close.

That's the other thing with the wheelchair, because you get to go, you put them right up with the wheelchairs. You know, people have to stand like, like give way, give way, which is fair enough. But then up she, up he stood, and through this thing, said that, that was, that was the big protest. Think about the earth.

It took 10 to 15 seconds for security personnel to get to the crowd. As the attacker spotted the security, he then started to throw roses at them. So he had like a, he had a bunch of flowers, and he just threw the roses at the guards. Oh man. And unfortunately for him, they,

they didn't deter the security staff, who then just grabbed him and walked him out. What's he saying here? Yes. As he's being pulled away and taken out of the, out of the building, he yells, there are people who are destroying the earth. Think about it.

All artists, think about the earth. Yeah. It's weird to me. Is he saying all artists are destroying the earth? Well, he's saying, think about it. All artists, think about the earth. And he says, this is why I did this. Think about the planet.

And so yeah, he's definitely seems to be coming down on, on artists, which is so odd because the art people, who I believe I'm kind of in that world, you know, we are one of the most proactive communities about thinking about the planet, you know? Think of the hippies. They're all artists. They're all, you know, it's kind of like,

very bizarre situation. Maybe he's got an issue with the Renaissance artists. What have they done recently for climate change? What's, what's Da Vinci done to help the situation? Exactly. Think about it, guys. Think about it. They, so in 1974, the Mona Lisa was in Japan.

It did a, it did a trip there. It was in the Tokyo National Museum. And then while on display there, a woman sprayed paint on the painting to protest the museum's lack of access for disabled people. And ironically, later on, of course, someone comes in to protest. But yeah, it's had a few attacks on it.

There's another one here. Let's have a look. 2009, an upset Russian woman who had been denied French citizenship through a souvenir teacup from the Louvre at the painting. Oh, wow. That's like throwing like your own, like that's terrible. Oh, okay.

You got out of that sentence. You started off a couple of things, couldn't think of it, and then went to, no, that's, that's, yeah, that's terrible. No, I was going to talk about. Is this part of your self padding process? He has his own sentences. I'm going to say something.

I've got nothing to say, but I'm going to keep talking until the thing comes up. And here it comes now. It's not coming. So I'm just going to end with, oh, that, that's terrible. That is pretty much exactly what happened. You got me. You got me.

I'm taking a star off. You're back down to 29. Oh, no, mate. Oh, man. I knew I would go too far. Oh, I always do. Oh, no, I was going to say something about feces. And then I thought there's no point

about talking about feces. Why not? Oh, it's, it's, it's a bit shit, isn't it? And this is why I'm just constantly got a hundred stars, guys. Okay. You could have, you could have said that. I gave you a massive gap there.

Dan sent you up and you just went. Then I said it. And then you did the drum thing. Oh, I did the drum thing. I'll give you half a star for the drums. I'll give you half a star. Thank you. Thank you.

Do the drum thing again. That wasn't a very good one, do it? That was better that time. All right. Thank you. I've been practicing. The first drum beat, a pad, to get us talking about how bad it was.

A drum pad. Yes, I was. You're going to watch him. You guys are reading my brain so well today. That's ridiculous. All right. Let's move on to our next round. Well, there was a story.

I actually don't think this should be the story, but I think we should mention it, just because it's news from your home of New Zealand, which is that on the subject of climate change, New Zealand's plan is to now tax cows and sheep for their burps. So too much greenhouse gas is coming out of the mouths and anises of your cows and sheep over in New Zealand. And so a tax is going to be put on, I believe,

to farmers to charge them for all the methane that's being released. But that's not the story that I'm going for. That was just a... That was just a little link into an animal. And then my story is about an animal, which is we've just discovered, we know that dolphins are able to communicate with each other by making a whistling noise.

And that tells their name, and so that they can identify themselves and help the other dolphin know who they are. But we've just discovered another method that they do in order to recognize who each other is. And that is they sip and sample each other's urine. Oh, I read that. Yeah, they swim through it.

Yeah, and that helps them to identify, bring back memories of previous adventures with Flipper. They have an ability to suss out a lot of memory off the back of sipping the other dolphins urine. Wow. So that's how they kind of identify different dolphins and different pods when they just swim behind them and they open their mouths

and they just take a gulp of the dolphin urine and they can tell who that is. Oh, that's George. Sorry, George. I've never caught up with you for a while then, and I see you've still got the UTI. Wilson, have you seen Janet around? Have you sampled Janet lately?

You remember Janet? Of course, no. I haven't had a sample of Janet in the car at some time. I haven't sampled you since you were a very small dolphin. Janet. God. Oh, God, you have grown. That is horrible. That is horrible.

I love how I was too scared to go with a feces comment and your whole article is about this. Well, are we missing something? It turns out it's an amazing way of communicating and understanding. Like, if we maybe sampled each other's urine, would we have further memories? Would we?

Well, I wonder. I wonder whether we each must have a signature stench in our urine for one of a better word. And not only that, so you can identify, because I thought it was just you identify, well, the dolphins, rather, identify, you know, per smell. They can tell that that's a family member or a friend

or an unknown. But you're going further, and you're saying that they can take from the urine that they're tasting. They can take memories. Is that what you're saying? Let me, buttons. You pad while I suck it out. Do some padding quick.

OK, cool. Well, it's much like dogs, right? Dogs can get a lot from this within sniffing telephone poles and other dogs' urine. They can actually, apparently, tell an incredible amount of data from that. The question I've got is, how do they know this? How do scientists test this theory?

You can't ask a dog after they've sniffed a lamp post. Do you know which dog that is and where they came from and what they had for their last meal and all that kind of stuff? But you can tell, when I walk our dog, Millie, around the neighborhood, I've done it a couple of times and she's sniffing the whole way through, and then I'll take on another walk,

and I've had to take her a different route, or route, depending on how you want to pronounce it. She'll won't be happy with it, and she'll go, what are we going that way for, you know? And also, if I take her the usual route or route, she will turn before I even go to turn, knowing that that's the way to go, and that's only going on that route or route twice before.

I helped you with some padding there by doing two different versions of the word route. Yeah, okay, really helpful. Should have given you another 20 seconds there. Look, I tried reading it like six times, but I just, you guys talking was so distracting. I've got, I'm giving up. I just, I was trying to take the words in desperately.

See, that's like a one-star review, meaning a five-star review. It's the opposite. Your padding can sometimes be too good Reese, and it's too distracting. You've got to be a little bit more banal like me. It's your, it's the key, isn't it? It's your voice as well.

Yeah, very sleepy. Very dull. It's so much easier to research when the person talking is really, really dull. That's what I've felt. Yeah, no, I can't do it. I can't, I'm pulling out. I think probably memory is not the thing.

I think you're right. It's probably identification of just person, but I'm, I'm sorry. Yeah, you should have pulled down your own urine. That one. Yeah, exactly. It sounded amazing. By drinking urine, I can tell

some memories that we've had together. It's like, what the hell? That's not the bit I read. But this is classic try before you. He'll add his own mystique to anything. Yeah. It won't always be true. It's called a Mount Weasel.

Oh, is it? A Mount Weasel is a real thing. So if, if someone has created a map and they don't want it to be copied by other map makers by just reproducing it, they'll make up a fake town in the map. And then you can take them to court and say, they've just copied my map

because look, this town that doesn't exist that I made up on my map, they've got on their map. So I just add in an extra little fake fact. And then if I hear other people say, look, you know dolphins drink urine. That's a great, that's my one. That's my fact.

That's my fake fact. Well, on the urine with the dogs thing, I've actually just, whilst you were padding there, I had a chance to find an article from American Kennel Club. And the article is dogs habit of sniffing urine reveals that they may be self aware. Well, who thought they weren't self aware?

I'm trying. The dogs. I don't know. People, they said, well, okay. So it says that sniffing the urine as, you know, dogs walk past may be proof that dogs may be more emotionally sophisticated than we think. Right.

A researcher at Tomps State University in Russia recently published a paper claiming dogs habit of sniffing other dogs urine may be a signal that they are self aware and therefore able to empathize. For the study, he used what he dubbed the sniff test of self recognition, which is what I do most mornings. You know, a bit of a, yeah.

I'm definitely, definitely me. I'm definitely still alive. Not an imposter. The unmistakable stench of myself. Anyway, these, what he did was take, took four stray dogs and then he did this test four times a year with these four strays. At each test, the dogs were presented with five containers

for holding a urine sample from each dog and one blank sample containing an odorless material. The dogs were given five minutes to inspect the containers and all dogs devoted more time to smell the urine samples of the others rather than their own. And this behavior confirmed the hypothesis that dogs seem to know their own smell exactly. They are less interested in their own

and therefore more self aware. Okay. So there you go. Almost not worth the padding. Now, I have a story here. I was hoping for more from that. I mean, there's more of the article, but. While you look at your other article,

which I think is going to be very difficult to decipher and beyond, beyond the weight of our intellect. Let's have a little look at this Dyson situation here. Everyone's a fan of Dyson. I did a comedy bit about how powerful their hand dryers were when they first came out. They brought out that new one a few years ago now that you put your hands in and it sounds like a jet engine

and you pull them out and, you know, basically I did a joke about your entire skin being gone. They've now got a new product, which is running along the modern theme of air purification, which is a big thing in today's world, obviously not just because of COVID, but just air in general is gross. And we don't really notice it so much

because it just looks the same to us, but really there's a lot of crap in the air as we're taking it in. So they've announced a wearable air purifier, which also has noise-canceling headphones built in. What? Yeah. So this is what they're expecting people to be wearing

in the future. Okay. Look at these. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, this is how they came up with the concept. What? Because initially it was like a snorkel. And then, you know, which looks so...

That looks ridiculous. It's so cumbersome. That's the sort of thing buttons would wear on the air purifier. It is, man. I would, of all of the ones, I would wear that one. That is so great. They look like your old podcast headphones in mine.

Yeah. Remember you had... But they've been working on this since 2016. I can see why. It's kind of the way we're going in the world where there's such bad air out there. The thing I think with it though still is it's such a cumbersome thing to wear.

It has to very much be lightweight. And we very much have to live in a world where the air is almost unbreathable for us to want to be pushing this thing onto our head every day. It's like the VR headset thing all over again. Which, you know, I want to play that game and be immersed.

And then you put this massive thing on your head and you go, oh, I can't stand this for more than 15 minutes. But I'll just say one more thing. And that is the reason that they have noise-canceling headphones attached is because the air purifying fan does make a noise. So you're walking around. It's very...

You're walking around and you're like, you know, going about your day in front of you. Yeah, it's not quite that loud, but it's like... Yeah. Hey, guy, mate. Oh, that's so good. Are you sure it's not a noise cancellation so that you can't hear other people passing you going,

God, you look like a twat. Hey, what'd you say, mate? Like a red lips, mate? That's so good. I said you look like a knob. Do you know the funny thing is, though, is that this has already been invented, this mask, and it's already been invented by a New Zealand company.

You always do this. You always... I know. You always bring it to New Zealand innovators. New Zealand, it is the world. Look at this. I'll show you this company I've been working with. Oh, look at that.

Whoa. That's way cooler. That's way cooler. It's called AO Air with a macron above the O. So it's AO Air, I guess. They actually were in the New York Fashion Week and people were on the catwalk wearing these masks because they were so cool.

They don't have... Yeah, they look way more like something of the future. That's definitely more Blade Runner. Yeah, that's cool, man. The design on that. Yeah, it's beautiful, right? And so it's Perspex. So for those listening,

it's a Perspex front with these really cool side parts and it sits down below your ears so it doesn't look like it used to be headphones and stuff and it just sits around your face so you can see your face clearly. And it's see-through so you can still see your mouth and nose but it's a really cool-looking visor. I love this.

It reminds me of... Basically, it's the... If you imagine a American football helmet, you know, the piece at the bottom that covers the mouth. It's basically just that zone. Oh, yeah. So if you were motorbiking with it, you would just look like you're off to an NFL game, man,

which reveals... You would look like a needed NFL game. I'm not sure about this... Did you do this ad, Bunnings? Did you say it? No, no, I didn't. No, we didn't do anything. I'm not sure about it because what it looks like is...

So in the video, there's lots of smoke that I guess is meant to look toxic and it's all getting sucked into the mask as if what you'd want to be is the person standing next to the person with the mask. Look, it's like... Let that idiot suck up all of the diseases in there. It's doing the opposite of what...

Basically, in your household, you get the child you like the least to wear that, to be the sacrificial air purifier for the rest of the family. Yeah. That's one thing I had said. I'll tell you this much, though. Bunnings, what you've done here

is you've commandeered my story about an air purifying mask, which was my second... Hang on, is that a good thing? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well, this is the thing you said because I was enjoying that. That was my second story. People were interested and then you just jumped on

and put your own one in there. A better mask, by the way, and a more exciting, possibly funnier story. Therefore, really, pushing me off the boat. So, that is a star gone, I'm afraid. Oh, surely there should be a star added because I'm showing my strength... Innovativeness.

...and my innovativeness and becoming more like you. All right, well, this is what I'll do. I'll do your deal. I'll give you a star for that. Yeah. But because of my original argument, still stands, so I'm also taking it away.

Okay, well, that's the status quo. I'm happy with that. I'm happy with status quo. I'm a big status quo guy. Now, give us your big scientific final story. Bunnins has had, like, eight stories this section. This one's a big flop. We'll just move straight on to the cryptid news.

Well, I could do that story. That is one option. But to be honest with you, I haven't patted enough to read the entirety of it. And at the moment, I think it's pretty much just the headline is enough. Okay, I agree. All right, then.

Well, let's move on. It's been about two hours, so it's probably time for us to go into some cryptozoology news. That's right, folks. It's... Attention, all personnel, it's time for this week's cryptid...

Help me! Okay, shall we do some headlines then? I'm quite excited about my headline, to be honest. We don't really do headlines in this section, though, do we? We just sort of do it. No, this is not really a headline section. Oh, isn't it? That might be actually half a star off there.

No! No, don't! No! You said 12 years you've been working on this show. 12? I got it! And you've only just realised we don't do headlines in that section?

I was just hoping to read my headline. That's all. All right, read your bloody headline. Go on then. Okay, okay, well then. Whilst we're talking about poos and wheezes and all that kind of stuff, Professor says sea monsters

were most likely whale penises. Oh, yeah. Charles Paxton. I've heard this, yeah. It is, yeah. It's a good argument. It's a good argument. It is!

It is, yeah, it is. So, since we're doing just headlines, do you guys want to do headlines, or do I want to go into... Well, we might as well now because... Okay. But this isn't going to be a thing we do every week, folks. This is just for tonight.

This is just today's extra thing. I've got multiple zebra sightings reported in Santa Barbara, California. Oh, and that's... They're out of place, I assume. Yes. You are aware that zebras are from Africa, aren't you? I just know there's zoos.

I know that there's probably a few parks. Actually, while you do yours, Dan, I might just do some padding and check on that. Just quietly. Mine is Bigfoot Believer's Shaw creature caught on camera as limbs too long to be a bear. I like that.

Yeah, that's great. Yeah, so it's two images of a possible Bigfoot which ripped up a trail camera, and it's been doing the rounds on social media. Wicked. Okay, well, I want penises, straight to the penises. Yeah.

You know, less whale penises. Molecular Ecology Professor has offered a fascinating explanation for all of the mythical stories of sea monsters sighted in Sailor's Law. Professor Michael Sweet, who teaches at the University of Derby in England. That's Derby.

Derby. Is that... Yeah. Well, it's E. Yes, pronounce Derby. It's Derby. This should be your story, but it's Derby. That's just another university, isn't it?

Oh, okay. Well, he says in a viral tweet, back in the day, travelers explorers would draw what they saw. This is where many sea monster stories come from. He went on to say that Sailor's Glimpse tentacled and alien-esque appendages emerging from the water

that led them to imagine a sinister creature lurking beneath the surface. However, in many cases, it was just whale dicks, he wrote, which is probably why the tweet went viral, because he wrote the word dicks. Have you put underneath this, have you put some gentle whale sounds

and some ocean music you have? Good, good. Yes, yes, is that what you can hear now when you edit, is it? Yeah, yeah, I'm listening to it. You're listening to... Are you listening to the edit right now? Yeah.

Which is amazing that you can do that. That's another star for you, actually. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. There you go. Yeah, that's... Wow. And you can also time-travel

whilst you're doing the thing that you're time-traveling about. So you deserve another star. 201 for you, Mr. Derby. Oh, you lost one there. Oh, dammit, dammit. So close. So what he says is whales often mate in groups.

So while one male is busy with the female, the other male just pops his dick out of the water whilst swimming around, waiting his turn. He added, everyone's got to have a bit of fun, right? Question mark. So he's trying to, you know, he's a molecular biologist, but he's trying to stay relevant and use the word...

Can you pull up some images? Because I'm guessing that these are on their back and their appendage is sticking out. And, you know, I've heard this argument before, and yet you can see why it is an argument. But you don't often see this in the ocean. And this is to say all these whales are lying on their backs with their dicks in the air all the time and then that's...

And you would also see the rest of the whale, you know? And so it's kind of confusing as to how much of this would be believable. And I think there's something a bit deeper about this in that this guy who's writing this tweet, I don't think he... I don't want to make too much of a call on it, but I don't think he's the one who's done this study

because the guy who originally said this was called Charles Paxton, who is a cryptozoologist in the UK. And what he said was his story got misinterpreted, where he said lots of penises have been misidentified as sea monsters, but actually he was saying it was a... I think he constantly is trying to correct it to say it's just a good thing that people picked up on

and then they suddenly were saying... I mean, I mentioned it on the other podcast I do years and years ago saying 99% of all these penises were... And it's not true. It's like 1% or something like that. Wow, you were way off. Yeah, I got the wrong... I heard the 1% bit.

Classic, classic shrub. It's my Mount Weasel. My Mount Weasel. There's another Mount Weasel there. Well, I've shared some whale penises. Yeah, these images are great. Well, yeah, the great penises, but they classically have a whole bunch of pictures

of whale penises and then a shot of the Loch Ness Monster, the famous old black and white early Loch Ness Monster picture. The surgeons. Yeah, it's not going to be a whale's penis in a lock, whether it's clearly no whales in the lock. No, they're trying to put two and two together and come up with five. Yeah, but the other thing that I don't like about his opinion

or his angle on it, or at least why I think it's a bit close-minded, is that that is him suggesting that these old sailors back in the day who used to hunt and kill whales for their oil and for their blubber don't know what a whale's penis looks like. If a whale's penis popped out of the water, surely they would go, oh, last time I hacked up a whale for its oil and its blubber, I saw its penis and I know what that is.

I don't think that whales are going to have an erection when they're about to be murdered. No, true, but you would also... Finally, finally, I'm going to get it. Oh, yeah, that's what I've been waiting for. Come on, fucking kill me. Kill me, you guys. Oh, yeah.

Look at this big knob. Hey, look at this side of this. Oh, ah, fuck, I'm dead. I'm dead. Well, this is pretty much exactly what it would sound like, too. You got, you nailed the voice. That's a whale's voice, I remember I heard one. But I was just thinking,

we're talking very much about the period of your pirate show as well. 1717. Yeah. Yeah, people knew what whales were back then, and one of the old famous sayings back then, was who hasn't seen a whale dick, you know, and... They're a dime a dozen, you know. And what you've done there is you've kind of,

I think you've ended up kind of digging your own grave there at the end of the day. I don't, I don't. With this whole article. It's old, it was taken off someone else's idea. I saw the word sea monster. Sea penis. And the word penis.

Sea penis. I saw the word sea penis, and I got very excited. And I'm sorry about that, guys. I apologize. I'd love to see penis. Oh, okay, no, sea penis. And can you get rid of this? All I can see is a whole screen full of whale dicks.

Oh, sorry. I can't find my word. You gotta stop sharing now. There we go. That's my screensaver with those whale dicks. It just so happens. All right, so what about these zebra sightings? Yes, let's get that.

A zebra has been spotted wandering loose in the Santa Barbara area, which is, of course, in California here. Not just once, but on multiple occasions. And that's very recently. So this is June 8th, and the article comes from ubi.com. Ubi, I guess, whatever that means. Marcos Chavez said he was on a bike ride Sunday

in the mountains above Santa Barbara when he encountered a zebra blocking traffic on West Camino Drive. He said the zebra appeared to be trying to follow as he rode away. I jumped on my bike and started peddling super fast, he says. He took three steps, but then the zebra slipped and fell. Oh, that seems odd.

Why would the... Why did the... Anyway, I'll read on. Locals suggested the clumsy animal causing the sightings is likely a known zebra named Maynard. The zebra, who belongs to a local resident, was caught on camera during previous walkabouts in 2013, 2015, and 2021.

Previous walkabouts. The zebra is domesticated, but known to be free roaming. It's a free roaming local zebra, and we're just hearing about it now, even though he's already had three other breakout walk-in-longs. Anyway, it's an out-of-place animal, but the mystery, I believe, upon reading the article has been solved, including its name.

I'm going to go out to Santa Barbara and find Maynard. Who has a zebra? A single zebra? A single zebra, yeah. That is bizarre. Any more cryptid news? Yeah, I've got my Bigfoot story. Yeah. Bigfoot believers, sure creature caught on camera

as limbs too long to be a bear. So, two images. This is the article. Some Bigfoot enthusiasts are convinced that the mythological creature has been pictured after spooky images. Two images have come up online, posted on Facebook. Why don't we see if we can get to the Facebook?

Nope, that's just telling me what Facebook is. Why would you have a link to tell? Wow. Cheers, guys, thanks. And that's the internet padding. Shit, I don't know. Where's the picture of the bloody bear thing? Quick, tell them what Facebook is.

No, I'm ready now, I'm ready now. Oh, what is going on? I'm having chaos with my computer here. Here we go, this is the image. This is the long-limbed creature that they say is not a bear because the leg is too long. Several people agreed, by the way. The front arms just don't seem to be bear-like,

nor the head. They seem to just be showing us the one shot though. So, I haven't seen... The bottom. Yeah, so the story goes that this bear was tearing up cameras, trip cameras, let's see. The intriguing pictures have done the rounds. Where's the actual story there?

One person said bears will tear up cameras, feeders and stands. They're very destructive according to what a friend of mine told me that hunts. Okay, this is the internet doing a terrible job of padding and trying to pad. See, it needs to go to my class on padding. It has not attended Button's master class on padding, that's for sure.

And the internet couldn't pull it together in that short amount of padding time, you know? It hasn't even constructed a story. But for some reason has signed up to your lack of grammar class, which is odd because don't you offer a two-for-one deal on your classes? Yeah, anti-grammar. People attend my anti-grammar class.

To make really intelligent people sound stupid. That's one of your biggest courses. Yes, honestly, play it dumb. Play it dumb. Get through life easier. Oh, I attended it. Sorry, I clicked the link thinking you would take me to Instagram but it's taken me to a page explaining what Instagram is.

That's great. What is this? Website. That's the worst. I'm stopping Sherry. Well, there's my story. What was something a friend of mine who hunts bears once said that this could look like a bear

and it rips up trail cameras. So it's good. Yeah, it was crap. But at least we know what Facebook is now. So that's, you know. Cryptozoology has gone really light recently. I've got to say. Why all penises and friends' bears?

What else do we have? Someone must have a story. Surely. This is what the whole podcast is about. Dibes, what do you got? Shall I do some padding while you do some research? Yeah, quickly. Use your bloody skills, will you?

Yeah, okay. Well, I did actually, I just wanted to show this is the book that I was reading before I went to Skinwalker Ranch, which was just one of those things. I was reading this book and then I was like, man, I really want to go to Skinwalker Ranch. I would love the opportunity to go to Skinwalker Ranch. Probably a day after I started reading this is when my trip

to Boston happened, which all fell over, which gave me the opportunity to go to the UFO conference and ended up at Skinwalker Ranch within a week of starting to read this book. Wow, and meeting Loyal Brown Pat. How is she? Any updates on Loyal Brown? No, I've got to, I've got to,

I actually, I'll send her a message today and let her know that I'm still alive. Okay, good padding. Thank you. Now this has just come through. This is from earlier in May, okay, but not too far away. Basically, there is a one-of-a-kind bigfoot trap in the forest of Jackson County, Oregon,

and it's been there for 48 years, and it is still there waiting to trap Sasquatch. 48 years? What sort of trap is this? Yeah, so I'll show you the image here. Yeah, I saw a picture of this a while ago. It's so cool. Share screen.

Oh my God, where's the screen I want to share? Well, I think we've literally broken the internet. Hang on, we're going to get there, guys. Are we, though? Are we going to get there? No, that's not the one I want to share. There we go, there we go. Okay, check it out.

Here it is, here's the trap. What? There is amazing. That's so cool. So in 1974, someone constructed a bigfoot trap in hopes of capturing the mythical ape-like creature. The trap was placed in Jackson County, Oregon as it's reported that at Bigfoot,

Rome's the forest in the Pacific Northwest. This is obviously written by Boing Boing, so these aren't my words. We all know that if there's one bigfoot, there's going to be more than one. But anyway, the trap was abandoned in the early 80s after Bigfoot never showed up. The trap is still there, though,

and maintained as a novelty by the United States Forest Service. No, that's awesome. So that'd be quite cool to find. It's available on a hiking trail, and it's basically, for the listeners out there, it looks like a shed, and it's got a metal door that slides up and down. So it's a bit like, if you imagine,

a classic trap that you might build to capture a possum or a rabbit with one of those doors that slams shut once the creature's in there and pulls on the food. It's just a gigantic version of that. The other thing that the door looks like is a huge big guillotine. Oh, yeah.

Which maybe one of the reasons, I mean, the person who made this trap is presuming that Bigfoot isn't very intelligent and is just going to wander on in there. But surely, if it's a bipedal creature that can hide from humans so well, it's also going to look at that little shed and go, I'm not putting my head inside that.

Like, that's clearly going to fall down and either trap me or kill me. So, you know, you need to be a little bit more subtle with your great big sliding door, mate. Yeah. Hence why it hasn't worked. But if you think of a young Sasquatch, they, as children, are very inquisitive,

may go in there. People like going into small places like kids definitely do. If it was an adolescent, it might go in there, especially if there was a fresh kill in there or something like that or anything in there that might attract it. But you never see these adolescents on their own. They're always either in family groups.

Well, you do see females alone, because we've seen, you know, Patty was definitely a female. But I wonder how many tourists have gone in, got stuck and died, and maybe that's why they've stopped. Jesus is a family of three. Right. Look, we've had 60 deaths now.

We're going to have to stop this Bigfoot. Yeah. All right. If you look around the surrounding area, there's just so many buried human bodies that have unfortunately misled themselves into the trap. Were their head locked off from the guillotine? Accidental guillotining.

Or is it actually a trap that's been set by Bigfoot to capture humans? That's way more likely. That's a better story. Well, it is because they know that it was constructed in 1974, but they don't know who constructed it. They say someone constructed. Exactly.

So you're perfectly right, Rhys. There's no reason why it wouldn't be Bigfoot themselves. There you go. Wow. That's at least somebody brought some cryptozoology to the table. Not even that. Just an old shed. The one we have.

We had a zebra, which was just a zebra that was actually someone's pet. And then we had, what was Dan's one? A long-legged. Bear. It's somebody's mate knows something about a trail cam or something. And mine was just great big whale penises. That's the state of cryptozoology today, guys.

This is not a proud day for cryptozoology. I do apologize for all those listeners that tune into this show purely for the cryptozoological updates. Today has not been a great showing for that. See, this is what happens when we do the show too regularly. Every once a week is too much. Wait a minute. It's like we've done it for months on end.

And we came back twice in a row and on the second one we ran out of cryptid material. I'm pretty sure we didn't even have any on the first one. Buttons came to the table with just a mascot thing. Oh my God. You're so right. You're so right. Okay, we're just a little rusty.

We're a little rusty. You know what we're doing wrong? Yeah, we are rusty. But also we are just not taking in the full cryptid nights. Research packages. We need to just get the messages they're sending us and just read those out. And I can assure you after today's disaster, folks,

that's exactly what we'll be doing from next week onwards. I can guarantee there'll be no disused sheds, wild cocks, or long armed bears. That's a very good idea. Well, remember we've got to get back to our researches and our button-downers and the Shriders. That's right. Our teams.

Yeah, are you going to get one? Wait a second. Has this whole episode been a massive pad for the next episode? Yes. Well, we're going to come back with the fast research we've ever had. I think so.

God damn it. And that may be some sort of world record for the longest padded shot. Another Guinness World Record. This could be the longest padding of any audio recording ever done. And so don't forget, folks, in conclusion, please tune into our show next week.

You will love it. I've been Rhys Derby. I've been whale penis. Ah, buttons. And I know what Facebook is. But I'm a dead driver. Goodbye, everyone. Bye.

Goodbye. Oh, yeah. Look at this big knob. Hi. Look at the side of this. Oh. Ah.