The Cryptid Factor - 75: #075 The Loud and Vocal No Issue

Episode Date: July 8, 2022

In here there's animals scared of fruit, UFO hunters hunting doors, Alien hunters (possibly) hearing signals from space and an old black knight that's a long way from hoooooome. Also Rhys has news of a dead giant tuna, Buttons is angry at a newspaper and Dan launches a mission to bring back an Australian Elephant man. Oh, and Henry Hotspur... you get some preemptive (and possibly unwanted) sponsorship!

The Cryptid Factor, with Rhys Darby and Dan Schreiber. Henry Hotspur's Hard Pressed Cider. Look who's back and back inside ya. It's the three geeketeers from Foreign Lands. Bringin' you weird news and other things that rhymed with land. Was that an advert or a drink that we... Yeah, I couldn't think of anything. The pressure was on. I hadn't written anything. So I just, I had this Henry Hotspur's Hard Pressed Cider.

Oh, we better be getting some free Hotspur's. I know, I know. So hopefully they reach out. If you don't reach out, Henry, that's it for you. This should be the last six pack of Cider's I down. So I'm doing the opposite there. See how people, you know, you can reach out to try and get marketing. I'm doing a reversal thing. Well, I'll market you first. But then if there's no reply, I'll shun you. Wow. That's how much power I've got now.

That's huge. Big pressure on Henry. How much time are you giving them? What's the cutoff? I'll give them a year. Which is when this episode will probably come out. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Stop it. Stop it. We're three weeks in a row now, guys. Yeah, I can't believe it. After a six month break. This is crazy.

Just imagine if this continues. Well, I just hope we bet our record from 2020. I think which was like, how many was like maybe seven or eight in a row that time? Yeah. Yeah, that was good. We're about side of you guys anyway. LA, LA for me, obviously, before I embark on my East Coast mini tour. Ah, yes. So I'll be on the road at that point. What about you, Dan?

I'm in London, but let me leap back to you very quickly. You're on tour right now doing such a cool idea of you've seen it before, now see it again, stand up, right? That's not the exact title. Yes. I love the idea. Because I've met Reese initially through your stand up, and I was there for the, imagine that period. Yeah. Well, you're responsible for that special hip.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Reese's stand up, if anyone listening has not had the chance to see it, is the best stand up out there. And I mean that genuinely, it's heaven. So very exciting. Oh, thank you. That's really interesting. You bring up the special that you filmed with Reese, Dan, and how you got to me.

Because one of the three or four specials I filmed after that, I have a couple of... Has he done more? Has he done more sets? I didn't know. Oh, yeah, yeah, there's been a few. On bigger stages though, with more lights, and kind of a few more... Yeah, in some aspects.

Yeah, there has been a few. I don't know, because Dan's one was the original, and it's the one that's very, very much loved on the internet, and went platinum in New Zealand and sales. Yeah, but the ones I did went aluminium. Yeah, there was a couple of aluminium for the Americans. Actually, funnily enough, one of my favourite jokes from that era

has probably become more relevant now is the handshake one, where if you go, don't know if you're going to handshake or fist bump, or now after COVID, that joke is really, it's hitting its stride now. You're ahead of your time. Because that is happening when you go to meet people. You really, everyone's confused. Do I shake?

Because your instinct is to shake, you know, depending on the culture, and then you think, hang on, perhaps I should. I like, you know, people do a little wave from the distance. No, they've been doing that for centuries, to be fair. A little wave from the distance. I don't think that's a COVID thing. What I mean is like a short distance, which is so odd.

Like a meter. Yeah, exactly. So when you're in the same room as someone and someone will wave, you know that they don't want to be touched. And it's great. There's just so much confusion now, and of course the fist bumps are still a big thing. They're, you know, they're kind of back really.

Handshakes are back too, but less so, because people are still worried about it. And then you've got, then they've got the old elbows. That's the old chicken wings come in, don't they? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I reckon there's a game that can be invented with exactly that. Like if you go in for a handshake,

and at the last minute, change it into a fist bump, and the person ends up clasping your fist, then you win. Right. Or vice versa. Or if somebody comes in and then does an elbow at the last minute, you know, then you like it. Kind of like rock, paper, scissors. Yeah, I like that.

But handshake first. I actually thought that was a re-stroke. Yeah, it is actually part of the joke. It's almost like he hasn't watched the specials that he's filmed of mine. But he's filmed himself. Your joke to you. You should do a joke about people. Yeah, I love the show, Rhys,

but have you thought about turning it into a paper, rock, scissors piece? Yeah, that's in the show. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm a ghost aluminium. Well, I was busy on the camera. I wasn't listening to the whole joke. I was just listening to it a little bit. So you're just watching the actions going,

oh man, he should have so done a rock, paper, scissors joke there. What is he doing? Is there like buttons commentary on the DVD? That's a great idea. Oh, that'll make the album go rusty steel. Yeah, drop down. People have actually sent the DVD back off the back of this director's commentary.

Can you actually just remove this element from the DVD please? The rust. Well, we can only assume that buttons, you're actually, we can't really assume with you, can we? Where the hell are you? I'm in New York City on the east coast of America waiting for you to come over here. Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah, so I'm here just waiting, prepping the city for you. I'm just getting all of the red carpets outside of all of the night clubs that you want to go to. Just lining everything up. Make sure you've got those little fenced off sections with the hooks and the soft red felt tubes. I've got all of that.

And in the club, you're going to have like a little corner in each of the night clubs in the little roped off section where you just stand by yourself. Oh, good. Roped off? Roped off. If Reese decides to move through the club, are you just bringing the rope?

Yeah, I like that. Following him. Let's actually have that. Let's have it over my shoulders, like suspenders, and then it connects onto the rope. So there's four little ropes, four very gold poles that are sort of waist-high, and I can just lift the whole thing and walk around with it.

That's a great, that is a genius idea. We have to do that. That is quick patent that. That's like VIP, a roaming VIP zone. Hang on, a bit of audio signature. Yeah, quick, quick. Okay, it's 5 to 3 p.m. 16th of July. RMW.

Oh, you remember it! I can't remember my audio signature at all. God, that was close. That's in. Okay, locked in. Okay, that is locked in. All right. Well, without further ado,

let's kick into everyone's favorite. No, I lost the word. The Winkley World Red Dish! You lost the word. Just think about where you last used the word and then retrace your steps, and you'll find it, you'll find it. It's in one of your pockets.

It has with your car keys. Segment, I couldn't think of the word segment. Hang on, I'll do it better. Well, talking about segmented, no, segmented, you know, segmented, segmented, segmented, segmented, segmented. Yeah, segmented. I've checked with myself. Well, talking about segmented brilliance,

let's... No, I was looking at the screen and that put me off. Oh, look over here. Hang on. Put that behind faces. I was looking at the screen. That's all I had. I was looking at these two clowns that were putting me off.

Well, well, talking about... Well, talking about... That's what happens when Rhys has Henry's beer before a show. Oh, he's all sided out. Oh, it's sided. Well, talking about segmented genius, let's move on and kick into everyone's favourite segment on the show. Weekly World Weird News.

Crazy, freaky, watch out. Yay! Well done. We've got there eventually. Okay, headlines, headlines, guys. All right, new discovery from scientists. It turns out, and I think this brings up an interesting conversation to be had,

mice are terrified of bananas. Oh, my God. What? Just found this out. That is awesome. This is like the whole cats and cucumbers thing? Oh, yeah. What's a cats and cucumbers thing?

I guess you'll find out when we talk about that article. Wow, that's exciting. Okay, well, the one that I've got is UFO hunter claims to have spotted tomb doorway on Mars. Oh, yes. Really? Oh, that's awesome. I hope it was.

It's pretty convincing too. So did you have a UFO hunter? Yes. Okay, because my news is about an alien hunter, which I think you'll agree, you'll have to agree, is a slightly better hunter, because yours is just hunting for UFOs, which, you know, are just these big circular disc objects.

Easier to see, but to actually go further detailed and to actually hunt the aliens themselves. Yeah. Well, if you hunt that aliens, you may find that UFO as well, right? But if you're hunting UFOs, you may not find the alien. That's a really good point. Way better to be an alien hunter.

Yeah, exactly. But your one buttons, your guy has found the door on Mars, which kind of has nothing to do with UFO hunter. So you can see sort of... Failed UFO hunter. Yeah. Yeah.

Alien job description. Yeah. You've been added to that. You just made yours spicy. Finds useless door on Mars. Well, anyway, my alien hunter has detected mystery radio signals from the direction of an Earth-like planet. Nice.

And this is brand new. Wow. Yep. There's a lot of signals coming towards us now, isn't there? Yeah. I feel like the last few weeks we've been hearing signals. Yeah. We've been straight out of China.

So I'm very excited to have a chin about this one. Right. But first off, let's deep dive into yours, Dan. Yeah. Well, okay. So this is a new scientific study where they've discovered that mice are petrified of bananas. So this is male mice that are scared of bananas specifically.

And it's an interesting thing because they, first of all, would noticing that female mice, when they're pregnant and lactating, will scare a male mouse. So they started doing some studies. And what they found was when they put a mouse in front of a banana, which is the connection that they decided to make. Did they do this on purpose? Or was it just a banana fell out of someone's pocket during the experiment?

I think it must have matched the sort of hormones and the chemicals of a female mouse. They realized that the chemicals must have been in a similar territory. I assume that's what it was. What it was is they didn't bring a physical banana either. They brought oil extract from a banana, from a supermarket. They put it inside the cage with the male mouse. And suddenly their stress levels just increased massively.

And yeah. So it's a thing where they're suddenly realizing that this is something that has been terrifying mice all this time. And maybe we didn't know. And for me, outside of... Maybe we'll go more into the details of it in a bit. But for me, what it is, is about the discoveries that we make are so large on this planet in some scales.

We find how things function on a mass level. But there's just all these tiny things that we just never know are influencing us or the animals around there. If you ever said to someone, a mouse and a banana, do they get on? Why would you ever think to look at that? You wouldn't even think. And it turns out if you have a mouse cage near your fruit bowl, it's stressing them out.

It's stressing me out too, thinking people might have a mouse cage by their fruit bowl. That is gross. Get them out of the kitchen, the mice. Come on. And I can see why they haven't put the two and two together, really, there for so long. Because the chances of getting a banana near a mouse

are pretty, aren't they? Pretty, very, very pretty. Is there any reason why? What's the chemicals? They're just quite similar, I think. It's probably why they brought it at all to begin with, right? Interestingly, virgin male mice get even more stressed than a mouse that's had sex.

That's bizarre. But that could be because they are more mature, haven't been around as long. They haven't mated yet. They're younger for one of a better reason. There's a few stories that I've read this week in the news which make you kind of question whether or not we're looking at things the wrong way.

For example, a mouse and a banana. I just never thought the pairing would lead to problems. There was a story about a frog which is a pumpkin toadlet. And it's a really tiny frog. And it's the size of basically, I think, from its head, from its snout until its bum is basically less than a centimeter. It's a tiny, tiny frog.

And they record it leaping. But this frog, this little toad, it knows how to leap like a frog, but it doesn't know how to land like a frog. So it just, when it lands, it's on its back. It's all over the shop. It can't do the things. I don't know.

This is a very tangential kind of connection. I just think, you know, the cryptids that we're talking about and all that stuff, I suddenly thought, if a frog can be as tiny as that, have we ever thought that maybe these things that we've been looking for are actually on a different scale to what we realize? Is it possible Nessie is actually the size of, say,

a sardine as opposed to this giant thing? Or a yeti, you know? Could it be the size of a millipede? But some accounts have just mistook this. I don't know. I sound like I'm on drugs, but it's been on my mind. That's usually my role. I'm usually coming up with that tangential drugs stuff.

Well, I think if I said to you, do you think a frog can be the size of less than a centimeter? You'd probably be like, no, that's impossible. Yet we have frogs that size. Do you think mice would be scared of bananas? No. But they are. I think a different way of looking at things

is definitely an important thing to do. And yeah, when you think about cryptids and you think about the tiny ones like fairy folk or even like gnomes, pixies, that kind of thing, these are tiny, tiny creatures that may exist from another realm that can enter into ours. And the smaller, the better in terms of their survival, if you want to think about it that way too,

in our world, because they won't be seen. But I think to sum up that major question of, you know, do you think Nessie or the yeti could be the size of a sardine or very small? I think it's a very, very loud vocal no. From my perspective. Well, do it then. No!

Might have to get that taken down a bit with the levels. People's speakers all around the world just going pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. But who's not to say that when you go into these dimensions that we change size, that we might be tiny when we go into another dimension and all those creatures might be massive. Or maybe your molecular structure does shift

when you enter different dimensions. You know, in which case fairies, when they're here, could be small, but when they go back to their world, they're, you know, the size of humans are in our world. And we go through, if we go through, and we would, our structure might change as well. Yeah. What was that movie with Martin Short?

I think it was him where he goes inside the human body. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In or something. In a space. In a space, yeah. And also, honey, I shrunk the kids. How does that? That's another one, you know?

Yeah, totally different. But, I mean, I think a race to that concept, that interdimensional, different size thing, I think that to me would be a large, loud vocal no. Oh, whoops. I'm in an office and there's a whole bunch of people out there. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm the one on this show

who's finally said the thing that's made a unanimous, that's not possible. Like, you're talking crazy. I just, to be fair, I just wanted to say a loud vocal no. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. I'm not sure if I'll call no, which I'm regretting now because I'm in a professional sports office and they're all now looking at me. Oh yeah, you're not even in Augusto.

Yeah. You're in America. Yeah. He's effectively moonlighting right now. They think he's in an office working on the documentary about the basketball, but he's not. He's screaming no down a microphone about the idea of tiny creatures coming from

another dimension, changing molecular structure. That's what's going on in your life, mate. And don't forget, Henry's Hotspurs Hard Press Cider, available in all good beverage shops throughout America. I wish I had one of those right now. Just before we finish up this, but maybe some listeners thinking, oh yeah, what was that whole bit about the cucumbers and the cats? Oh, yes.

Well, I want you to Google that now, one of you, if you want to bring that up, because it's quite hilarious, but if you put a cucumber next to a cat, a cat will absolutely freak out. And I think it's the same kind of thing. It must have the same kind of chemicals in it. It can't fathom what the cucumber is. It just looks like a massive sloth. Well, they think it's a live thing.

They just, honestly, there's videos online on YouTube, and you'll see cats really freaking out when they turn around and there's a cucumber. I like a large cucumber. Yeah, look at this. Right, you found it. Oh, my God, I'll share this video. That is incredible. See, this is good knowledge.

Like if we found out what did this for lions and tigers and you were out in safari and you're about to be attacked and you just pull out, I don't know, an asparagus. And they're just like, whoa, like that sounds like every animal might have a fear of some kind of vegetable. Of some fruit or veal. Yeah. Okay, watch this little cutie. It's really, it's a lovely tabby cat. The cucumber is literally look at it and literally underneath it and it turns around

and then they've slow. Yeah, and there's another one there. So they're eating away, bouncing. It's like they've cucumber is placed on the floor and the cat will literally leap as high as it can to get away from it. I know this is a podcast and it's hard to. But if you just do us a favor right now as you're listening, go and Google cucumber and cats and the very first one, I'm sure it'll be fine.

But look, thinking about this and your point, Dan, of like every animal may be scared of a piece of fruit or veal and I'm thinking what an experiment that would be like in Africa, where the big cats are to have, you'd have to have a really big cucumber, obviously, but if you if you got a really big one, would it do anything? Yes, genetically modified like a really large award winning cucumber, the sort of thing that Wallace and Gromit would have won something with, you know. And how many people do we allow to be eaten by the lion at a failed experiment before we give up on trying to get the right size?

Also, could you make a vehicle entirely out of cucumber? A large cucumber, like a Flintstones type, you know, visually looking thing with people inside and then you could go around the savannah with that and get real close to the cats and watch them leap. The lion's leaping over your cucumber. Oh, my God, that would be amazing. So good. The award winning cucumber race with that, like what sort of award?

Like, we're talking aluminum, first pegs, rusty steel. What sort of cucumber are you going to bring up with that? No, obviously, it's the full platinum. The full platinum. Yeah, yeah. This video, by the way, is still going in the background. It's still going. This is like a compilation of like a hundred cats.

Every cat, every single cat. Wow. You know, there's got to be one of these made now with mice and bananas. Yeah, of course it will be. This kitten is fighting it. Yeah, a little kitten, not too sure. But we'll go watch these all day, but we don't have time. Yeah, let's let's kick into your UFO hunter who found a door on Mars.

Oh, yeah, my door hunter. Door hunter finds UFO in space. Well, I couldn't believe it. You know, normally I go door to door selling doors. I couldn't find any doors for a number of years. I was listening to the doors, despite this. And of course, eventually I ended up becoming a hunter of doors. I probably wasn't in the greatest place for doors.

I was in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't even any villages let alone doors, but then one night I saw her in the sky, what can only be described as a non door or as you people call it a UFO. And it was amazing. Puffer, the fact that had no notable doors. Couldn't see a single door on it. So of course it was no good to me, but I was so surprised. I gave a very loud and vocal note into space.

No! Henry's Hot Spirits, hard pressed cider, available at all good privilege doors throughout the US. Just open the door and say good day. Great big vocal. No! Doors! No!

Doors on that one. That's all he cares about. That's all he cares about. How's the door go? Well, this door hunter claims to have spotted a very special door, a tomb doorway on Mars. Now you got me. Yeah.

So well, obviously he wasn't on Mars. He's looking at the footage from Curiosity Rover. That's currently taking snapshots all around Mars. Taking amazing snapshots. Yeah, but there's so many people that are basically taking this footage and just scrolling through frame by frame or image by image, trying to find proof of life on Mars. Now, of course, NASA's trying to do that,

but they're trying to look for microbes. They're trying to look, they think that life on Mars is going to be some kind of banana. Yeah. So do you think while NASA's been looking at like tiny microbes, they just haven't noticed a giant door? Yeah, hopefully. But see, I'm suspect because I know, you know,

you know about the government sort of taking photos that have been extracted from these devices in space and then sort of a doc during them. If there's anything there they don't want you to see, you know, you can hear the conspiracy people banging on the door going, ah, we know we're any been given the photos that you're allowing us to look at, you know, and they've accidentally given them one with a great big door.

Exactly. So let's have a look at this door so we can discuss. First of all, just before I do NASA are coming out and basically saying, look, you're seeing stuff that is just isn't there. Your brain is natural. Yeah, natural. There's a name for that phenomena.

Yeah. It's, I've got it here. It's called peri-e-dolia, peri-e-e-dolia. Tell you what, I'm going to look it up. I've got it here. Look, it's cool. Check it on Google pronunciation, if you will. Yeah, that's probably a better idea.

Pari-e-dolia. Pari-e-e-dolia. Oh, yeah. Pari-e-dolia. Pari-e-dolia. And that's where you can see things that you think are there because it's either in your mind to begin with or you see what you want to see.

And this pops up a lot in the paranormal world. I think in this case, though, there's a door there. There's an actual doorway there. It does look very door like, doesn't it? Yeah, it really does. Wow, let's have a look. So we're looking at the screen now. So what we're looking at is what clearly feels like a mountainside

or a cave to a door. Yeah, it looks actually like an Egyptian tomb. Yeah, like a tomb entrance. Yeah, the sort of thing that you'd see once that dug away a lot of the sand when they're looking for Tutankhamun's tomb. That's exactly right. So this guy Scott says that he thinks it's definitely a doorway. They say that it's only about a foot high though.

Wow. Dan's thinking what I'm thinking. And, you know, we're not to get obsessed with thinking that everything should be the right dimension with regards to humanity. Maybe these creatures are very small. I mean, this isn't that odd. We're just talking about that.

Yeah, and what Scott's saying is that the creatures going in and out of this door aren't necessarily still alive. He's like that could be like an archaeological dig situation. Oh, yeah. But NASA have come back. The actual the Rover Curiosity Rover tweeted and response to his claim and says some of you may have noticed an image I took on Mars.

Sure, it may look like a tiny door, but really it's a natural geological feature exclamation mark that may just look like a door because your mind is trying to make sense of the unknown. And this is called Paradolia. Is it Paradolia or is it Paradoria? Okay, because it's clearly a door, a small door. And what does this guy know?

Oh, yeah, he thinks he knows it all, right? Yeah, because he works at NASA. So what you're looking at here, folks, is you think it might be a, who are you to talk to me like that in the first place? I know what doors look like. That's a door. That's pretty much exactly what Scott, the unsuccessful UFO Hunter, very successful door hunter is.

I don't know. The fact that it's really small has turned me off. But then, you know, I think it was because I'm excited about the fact that we may have originally come from there, you know, that humanity may have come from there and then the planet just overheated and got to a point where we had to get out and then we took off looking for the next place. Wouldn't it be funny if at one point life on Mars was plausible

and we're all living there having a lovely time and we go, oh no, we've screwed this planet up quick. We've got to go to that one over there called Earth and we travel all the way to Earth and live out of it. And then we go, oh man, we've really screwed this one up quick. We've got to go to that one over there Mars, which we've previously already ruined and made totally uninhabitable. So we just bounced between these two planets all the time.

I mean, that is essentially what's happening. You know, for its size, what that could be is a Mars cat flap. Oh, here we go. So what we need to do is get curiosity to live a cucumber right outside it. That is so true. Yeah. I think space cats, because where the cats come from, right?

Yeah. They're definitely from another planet. They're so amazing. The way they flip out, the way that they just purr, the way that they stalk, the way that they feel when you cuddle them, the way they can understand you, the way that they're totally selfish and self-focused. Yeah.

I mean, they're taking over this planet for sure. Also, look at the ancient Egyptians with the way they regarded cats. You know, they mummified them. Rhys, do you remember you and I went to the Natural History Museum and we saw actual ancient Egyptian mummified cats? Yeah, that's right. We were too.

It was freaky and creepy, but very exciting. I will never forget that day. That reminds me of the time that Rhys, you and I went to the Peterson Car Museum. Remember, we saw that old rusty car? Remember? Oh, yeah, other than that. We're getting back to Dan.

So this, imagine if that is a tomb door, we go down in Mars there and we find a tomb and it's full of mummified cats. Egyptian or Mars ancient mummified cats. That's my latest theory is that that is a tomb for space cats. How many inches tall are they? The cats? I don't know. The regular cats are.

It could be a planet just for cats, like domesticated cat size cats. Yeah, and I agree with you, Dan. We need to send just a bucket load, maybe more, because buckets, you know, they're not that big of cucumbers. You know that term, a bucket load? And I just imagined a bucket load of cucumbers. I thought, actually, that's not many.

We need to send 12 to 13. We need a bucket load of buckets, right? Full of cucumbers and we just drop them on Mars. Drop them all over the planet and see what comes out. See what leaps. I love it. Okay. Well, what if he wants your story?

Hang on. I'm sorry. Sorry buttons. I'm just going to jump off for one second. I think I heard my son fall out of a bed. So just quickly. Yeah, you better check on that. Sorry.

Hang on one second. Is your son okay? He did fall out of the bed. Oh, shit. He's all right there. Oh, my God. Which one? Well, the two-year-old.

I think he's okay there. Oh, they're pretty bouncy. Yeah, exactly. The older they get, the harder they fall. Don't you fall out of the bed, Leon? Because there'll be like holes in the floorboards. And you fall into the house underneath. Certainly.

Well, it's funny, I'm not sleeping very well at the moment because of the jet lag and all of that. So I'm up all through the night, editing bloody cryptid factored episodes. Yeah, exactly. At least I'm getting it done. But I did last night fall asleep halfway through editing. And I woke up because I must have felt the laptop sliding off my lap.

And I woke up and it was amazing because my hands just grabbed it. Instead of woke up, grabbed it. And it was great because it's a brand new laptop and it was a hard floor, like a stone floor. So it would have definitely crashed. I think that's when I'm at my best, is when I just at that moment of waking up before fully awake, that little moment is when I get my best work done.

No, I agree. A few weeks back, my son, Ted, who just fell out of the bed, he did the same thing. He just keeps flying out of the bed and I was asleep and I woke up and I saw in the corner of my eyesight, my son was mid-summer salt. Like he was moving around the bed and he just flipped himself. And in that second of waking up,

I stuck out both my hands and caught him like an NFL ball over the bed and brought him back in. It was my greatest moment. Yeah, that's when we're at our peak as humans. It's all downhill from there. We start off at full capacity and then quickly go downhill for the rest of the day. Seriously, anything to do with our children is human nature just to become super people.

Like our reactions are just lightning because our whole purpose in life is to make sure they survive. Yeah, but isn't it like this is going back to the mice and the bananas? Isn't it like we get access suddenly to this unknown superpower just out of nowhere, some human ability that we have with lightning reflexes? I think maybe for you, but I've always known I've had lightning reflexes. That's why you've got a lightning bolt in your logo, your RD logo. Exactly. You know, my physical capabilities, they're always there on the,

right up in the cards. You can see them. I'm waiting for some other hidden abilities to arrive and that's what I'm waiting for because this can't be it. Yeah, all your abilities are so blatant and obvious. Yeah, there's got to be something hidden there. I'm looking forward to finding that one day. Let's start putting bits of fruit and veg next to you.

Yeah, I wonder which one I'll react weirdly to. Well, the world has reacted weirdly to this news as China claims it has picked up alien signals and then suddenly deletes the report. What? So China's number one door hunter was using a telescope called the Sky Eye. It's the largest in the world.

And yeah, he's possibly picked up evidence of extraterrestrial intelligence. So news outlets today have been reporting on this claim. Astronomers at China's 500 meter aperture spherical telescope known as FAST, which began efforts to scour the cosmos for signs of intelligent life back in 2020, have picked up several suspicious signals. Two of these were recorded in 2019 and then analyzed in 2020 while a third was picked up this year during observations at extrasolar planets,

not at them, of them. Well, what makes these claims particularly interesting is the fact that the report, which was published in the Chinese state, backed science and technology daily, has since been deleted without explanation. Wow. Mmm. Fortunately, it had made its way onto social media before being removed. However, the details of the discoveries are thin on the ground

and nobody has been quite sure what to make of them. So, switching to my second version of this report, at a slight distance. Have you gone off to a second computer? Yep, I'm on a second computer here. You can see me waving. Oh, there he is. I'm in the same room.

Oh, hi, there he is. He's still in the same room. No, this site can't be reached. Oh, no, it's been deleted as well. And I've been trying to reload these all morning. Is that your Chinese computer? It tapped into the Chinese internet. Maybe.

Yeah, it's not working. Anyway, let's go back to my original source. So, it says here, it's quite possible that Chinese astronomers did discover unexplained signals, however, it is not a foregone conclusion that they would be extraterrestrial communications. Well, what could they be? Well, do you know what it is? What?

They've just picked up on more radio signals calling the cryptid factor out. Oh. And they're just going, go, what? Why does it have to be these guys all the time? And they're trying to hide it from us because they love listening to our podcast and they don't want us to go off to space to save the world. They're like, no. Yeah, that means they'll be waiting ever longer between podcasts.

They said, hang on, let's do the math. It's 120 million light years away. So how long will we have to wait between podcasts? Well, 120 million years there, 120 million years back at the speed of light. A couple of generations. Wow. Of course, folks think that this could just be radio interference that they're picking up, but the fact that they're releasing this worldwide news, it's on most sources right

now, if you want to look it up. Is anybody else amazed that over the last two or three weeks, we've had news articles about scientists and satellites picking up radio signals, and none of them have come from Haiti, the actual organization set up to be able to receive radio signals. And they must be sitting there with their telescope there kind of going, why are they sending the signals to everybody? We're the ones that are here to pick it up. But maybe their signal is so good that they clearly are going, well, all that other stuff

is not actual signals, you're just getting static because you've got like a crappy mobile phone signal kind of thing coming to you, which is possible. I mean, I'm not saying that's what it is, but also possibly because there's a lot of news about the fact that NASA is going to start looking into UFOs and see, you know, it's possible that suddenly all the stories that are not getting the column inches, but that's not discrediting those stories. All it's saying is maybe this has been happening for ages, but no one's writing news stories about it because it just wasn't newsworthy.

You know, oh, you got more static, did you? Well done. Now, but now it's a bit sort of relevant because NASA is saying they're going to look into it. I've got a few, I found some of my links honestly didn't work guys that I was that I had for this report and and they've been shut down, which I thought was very suspect. I found a few more here, including ones that like from popular mechanics that say sorry, but Chinese scientists didn't find an alien radio signal.

So they think that that's certainly not the case. What researchers actually found was radio frequency interference originating on Earth, likely from cell phones, computers, satellites or any number of other electronics located near the observatory. All of these devices produce weak radio transmissions of their own. Come on, though, mate. That sounds like bollocks to me. You know what I think this is?

And this is the very American, the popular mechanics thing. It's America and China going at it again because of the tensions that are heating up in the South China Sea. So when people are getting signals, it's like the space race all over again. So the Chinese want to admit or want to prove rather that they are getting signals from outer space, that their dishes, their telescopes are bigger, you know, and more powerful. And then America and they are bigger. But America are like, like saying, no, no, it's just interference.

Don't listen to, you know what I mean? So that's what I think part of this is. Did you see just back to your comment about NASA announcing that they're going to start looking at UFOs and UAPs, Dan? Yeah. I saw that article and I was like, oh, that's really interesting. And further down the article, you read that the amount of money that they are spending on this report.

They said the study that will begin this fall in last nine months would be costing no more than a hundred thousand US dollars. What are you going to do for a hundred thousand dollars for nine months? Is this for the NASA UAP studies? Yes. Yeah. What are you going to do? They're having a laugh, aren't they?

A hundred thousand dollars. There's something suspect going on there. Probably prints the lanyards for the two or three interns that are going to be turning up. Yeah. That's exactly it. It'll be just a new outfit. Yeah. It'll be a small squad of people.

We're the UAP group. Oh, you know, bad luck. You drew the short store there, mate. No, you got a cool hat. Look at the hat. It's got a UFO on it. All right. Well, don't come near us at lunch.

You know, and so those guys are now in that group because they feel as though they have to, because UAP thing has got so serious now that if NASA doesn't pick up the ball, they look bad. So I think that's where the money's gone. Yeah. Yeah. Good point. Do you guys know about the Black Knight satellite?

Yes. I've never heard of that before. I don't know if I've heard of it. What is it? This is the idea that there's actually orbiting our planet right now. An artificial satellite, which is roughly 13,000 years old. 13,000? The idea is that it's an alien satellite that's just been monitoring the planet that's been

sitting. Yeah, it's freaky. What? Honestly, look it up. It's really creepy. It's just been. What's it called? Black Knight.

Yeah, the Black Knight satellite. I'll show you very quickly. Here we go. Look at this hit. Wow. Now, this either is a satellite, artificial, or possibly a thermal blanket that has been lost by an astronaut in space. Yeah.

That's the two options. See, why can't we spend some money getting up there and finding out what that is? Exactly. Why can't we? I mean, I've come up with the net idea before, but can't Elon Musk just provide some sort of huge space net that goes from some of his satellites and they can just fish that thing up and find out? Why wouldn't you just take the ISS over there and park it up and have a little look-ski

at it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's nowhere near as fun as the giant net, but yeah, that's another option. Well, so this is this photo that I just showed you guys was taken in 1998. And so, yeah, so the history of it says, according to some USO conspiracists, the Black Knight is an artificial satellite of extraterrestrial origin that has been orbited the Earth for approximately 13,000 years.

And it has been a legend that's retrospectively been dated back to natural extraterrestrial repeating sources supposedly heard during the 1899 radio experiments of Nikola Tesla. Wow. Yeah. So that's where they date it back to because there was a story which I mentioned to you guys when we did our live YouTube thing the other week, which is that Nikola Tesla supposedly believed that he'd made alien contact. Wow.

He heard static noise coming through and he thought, my God, I've done it. I've contacted the aliens. And then he just didn't do anything more about it and kind of went on with the other stuff in his life. In 1963, astronaut Gordon Cooper supposedly reported a UFO sighting during his 15th orbit in Mercury 9. That was confirmed by tracking stations, but there's no evidence that this happened. Again, that's sort of related, I suppose, to the Black Knight.

But I just love the idea that imagine, you know, there's possibly a 13,000 year old artificial satellite that's just been monitoring us this whole time. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. And we don't know. And also, did you know that Deep Purple did a song about it? Did they?

Yeah. I'm going to play some of it here now. Oh, cool. Here it is now. Is this the Black Knight? Oh, of course. The thing that I love is that it's Black Knight and Deep Purple that finally took the Cryptid Factor off air from a massive lawsuit of putting their music on the podcast.

That is such a good way for us to go out, I mean, you know. Well, instead of playing that tune there, yeah. So did you guys know that Deep Purple actually put out a song called Black Knight, have you heard of it? Wow. Yeah. It's really, really cool. The song you just played before.

No, no, no. Buttons. No, please. This is a post-edited sequence here. Oh, this is a post-edited. Rise! Oh, I got it. Yeah, it's a great song.

Look it up. It's cool rock and roll. Black Knight is a long way from home. And it's just like, you know, so like, you know, people in the 70s knew what was going on and that's also the 1770s, you know, it's just that we can't do anything about it. More and more as life goes on, I really feel like we don't have control of what we're doing on this planet and that we are being monitored, that we are a big play thing, that extraterrestrials are controlling it.

And I guess we find out at the very end somehow, you know, when we, our souls return to the mothership and they go, how's that? And you go, oh, you'll wake up like out of some sort of chamber or something like that. Because the whole thing was a massive illusion and you go, well, I've only got one thing to say and that's a very loud vocal. No! They hang you a Henry Cider. Yeah.

There you go, mate. Get a Henry Hotspurs down you. Oh, fuck, that was really intense, man. Yeah. How long you do? Like 87 years? Oh, yeah. One of the unlucky ones, eh?

All right. Go and grab some fruit in there. Watch out for the cats. Freak you, cuckoo. Did you work out that you're allergic to mango, that it freaks you out? Did you get to that? Yeah! Oh, damn it.

That was the one. You didn't get to that point, it was the mango. Yeah. You nearly got there with that Cryptid Factor episode when you discussed fruit. God, you guys were so close to getting onto it every week. All right, let's quickly do some cryptid news before we buzz off ourselves. Attention, all personnel. It's time for This Week's Cryptid.

Help me! All right, I got a story? Yep. Okay, the news is a bit old. April the 3rd, an elephant humanoid is spotted in Sydney, Australia. Get out of town. What? An elephant humanoid?

An elephant humanoid. What? So April 3rd, 1968. God, he threw the year in there quite late, didn't he? April 3rd, I could have put up with, but now we're looking at the 1968. None of us were even a twinkle. He's doing all my tricks this week. He's doing old news.

Yeah. This is me crowbarring something I've been desperate to tell you guys about for ages, which is I was back in... Since 1963. Since 1963. I mean, yeah. Five years before this happened, I started wanting to tell you guys about. So I was back in Sydney in...

Back in March of this year, and I was driving down with my dad on a road called Wakers Parkway, which is in Sydney, and it's heading towards where I live in Avalon. My dad said to me as we're driving down the road, do you know that this is the most haunted road in Sydney? And I thought, what? What do you mean? And I've been going down this road my whole entire childhood. My teenage years and stuff.

It was the road I used to take to go to school. And it turns out that most people who are on this road report a ghost that suddenly appears in the backseat of the car, and no one knows who it is except a paranormal expert who also happens to be an actor who's been on home and away a fair chunk, worked out who exactly this ghost was. So I started looking into this ghost and thinking, wow, this Wakers Parkway thing, this is amazing.

And as I was digging into it, I discovered that there was a cryptid sighting at the lake that meets this road in Narrabean in Sydney. And it's only ever been seen twice, and it's a completely unique cryptid. You gotta put the spooky music on. Yeah, let's get spooky music on in here. Oh, that's good. That's good. That's lovely. So this is an elephant humanoid,

completely as far as I can tell, unique cryptid. But what does that mean? Is there an image? Is there a drawing? I mean, is there to have a trunk? So this is the story. It was, as I say, April 3rd, 1968, a lady called Mrs. Mabel Walsh is driving back home, and it's 1.15 in the afternoon. And suddenly, as she's driving, something leaps out into the middle of the road

in front of her. She said it came out of the water, stood on its legs, and headed off in a fast, shambling sideways run. Oh, that is off-putting. That's kind of how I run. The sideways shuffle. The sideways air bling. So she told this to Australia's Daily Telegraph a few days later, and she said she couldn't investigate it properly at the time

because she had to get to her nephew, who was at the airport. So, you know, she was busy. However, her husband and her later returned to the lake, and they started looking for the monster. She said it had the snout of an anteater. There you go. And she believed it to be an elephant humanoid. It had wrinkled bipedal humanoid features with a snout.

It was over four feet tall with dark gray, tough, leathery skin, like an elephant's, and small front legs, and it walked on its hind legs, which were thick and round. So, and they were round like an elephant. There was no tail or ears, but I saw a trunk that was like an anteater's, rigid and squared off at the end, and it stuck out at an angle. So, she never saw it again, and then many years later, two fishermen who were out on Narrabin Lake suddenly see it,

and they report it. It's the last time it's ever been seen, and this was a couple years later, so this was in the 1970s. Now, my brother lives in Narrabin. He has a view that basically looks out onto this lake. Oh, here we go. And I grew up in a bit of Sydney where nothing exciting of this kind of sort happens. We don't have Nessie, we don't have a Loch Ness monster.

And so, even though this has not been seen for a long time, I think that's what every town needs is a cryptid. They need something mysterious to believe in. So, my brother is on the case now, and what I want us to do is, the cryptid factor as well, is I want us to design up an image of what this humanoid elephant looks like, and I want to print it out as sellable stickers for the local shops to start selling, and see if we can make slowly the return of...

Yes. Like, when you forget all the small gods, gods die, let's bring this cryptid back to life. There's twice seen elephant humanoid, and maybe we can have a kryptonite design the image that will go on the sticker. That's a great idea. Maybe we can make a little mission of turning a local cryptid that's unique back into something that people can go to Narrow Bean and look for.

Yeah, and a great chance for Narrow Bean tourism as well. This is what I mean, because one of the great gifts that cryptids have given the world, which is never recognized, which we've spoken about before on the show, is it can help towns. It gives all the locals something that they can... It's tourism, it's an economy, and I like that. As long as they don't make things up, there's always that danger, isn't it? They go, oh, we've got a cryptid once upon a time, a long time ago.

You don't want to create fake folklore. But they need someone with credibility, like us, dare I say it, to sort of go to the town and hold a meeting. Very credible. We can show the pictures, we can tell the story detailed like that, definitely with the spooky music behind. You could be sitting there with you, a little adjusting equipment, and then we unveil the amazing drawing or the sketch of the creature with a name,

whether it's Elephant Man, that's kind of already taken, but I was thinking of other terms of elephants while you were talking there, like Pachyderm, I think that is one. If my anemology is correct. You've got the most correct anemology out of anybody I know. But also Mrs. Mabel Walsh, what happened to her? Exactly. So there's mystery involved.

There's a lot of investigating. There's more investigating. There's a story to be told here. Yeah. Well, tell you what, I do have to go in a minute. This is amazing, guys, so that's great. But you do a story, there are two buttons. No, no, no, you've got to get going, dude.

Honestly, I don't want to hold you up. You've got nothing. No, I do. I've got some amazing, I've got some great news. But I just, it's so good, it can keep you till next week. You sure? Because I've got a head, but you can wind things up after. You've probably got a couple of stories, yeah?

No, no. You want to save them? I'll save them. No, it's probably best I save them. Okay. What was your news in five minutes or less? Well, my one was just that there was a sighting of an enormous four meter long monster fish washed up on the UK shore,

spotted by a door hunter. So it's been identified as an Atlantic bluefin tuna, an endangered species, but it was absolutely enormous, reported to be roughly four meters in length. If you'd imagine a door is two meters, and I've checked with the hunter, is that right? Yeah, absolutely, your standard door is two meters. Space doors, of course, are very short, especially on Mars.

You're looking at seven inches, but on human terms, yep, two meters for a door. Thank you. So twice that, imagine four meters is very long. And yeah, so it was just like this gross, I've got it here, you can see. Oh, yeah. And that's from the Daily Mirror.

And so it'd be quite a thing to come across the fact that monsters like that are washed up on the sea, stalled to these days, and people have no idea what they are. Is it maybe a dorsal fin, and he just confused. Oh, very good. Here we go, very good, very good. Very good, very good. Yeah.

You know, it's not good when people are going, very good, that's good, yeah, I like that. That's the one. Very good, it's not a company by laughter. It's not as good as you say. That's good. How's his comedy, very good. No, it was good, it was right on the mark, very good.

Very good. Funny? No, no, no, just very good. Very good. Or technically very good. Technically very good. And there's a picture, there was a dog walker, sorry, not a door walker, or it was a dog.

So there's a picture of the dog next to this giant. Oh, that's huge. So, you know, not as good as your news, Dan, it's just a washed up fish, but still better than Button's lack of anything. Well, okay, the one bit of news that I have then, if you want to go there, is that I just want to have a little bit of a word with the Washington Post,

and I just want to call them out a little bit. One of their stories, because they've used the cryptid in kind of a terrible story. Basically the headline, which is, if you think Biden stole the election, you might believe in Bigfoot. And I'm like, I'm sorry, you can't just use Bigfoot. That is not on.

That's not on. So I just want to call Washington Post out for that. But little is all the eyewitnesses that have seen the creature. Exactly. And the years and years of studies by cryptozoologists and by scientists. And TV presenters. Have put their name to it.

Yeah, and famous people who have put their name to the idea that these things exist. So that is just lazy, lazy journalism, unfortunately there, Mr Wall Street. Shame on you. And they sort of relate it all to conspiracy thinking as a belief system. And if you're prepared to believe a conspiracy like that,

then you're likely to believe other conspiracies. It's like they're making, why don't you bring out another conspiracy? Like if you believe Biden stole the election, you might also believe that they didn't land on the moon. Yeah. For example. Conspiracy is thrown around so willy-nilly these days.

It's not right. It's not a conspiracy. No, it's a mystery. It's not a conspiracy. We're not going, oh, why are they hiding? The government's behind it. You know, you can link. Sometimes people try to link the government to it,

but it doesn't work. You can link UFOs to them. Yeah, there's a link there. But it's still a mystery. There's no one's pulling the wall over your eyes like the election thing. So yeah. And all I want to say to the Washington Post

is a very loud and vocal. No. Let's all do it together. Really? A very loud and vocal. No. I couldn't do it that because I got kids. Yeah, I realised that.

I could see you mining it. And I've got a whole office full of sporting professionals. Oh, shit. OK, you better go. I've got to go, guys. This has been awesome. I'm going to change the dimension of my molecular structure so I can fit through this door and get back to my Mars base

with my cats. Don't you come near me with cucumbers, you bitches. Bye. Bye. Bye. No!