The Current - 'Aging is not for the meek' — what we don’t say about aging

Episode Date: June 19, 2025

In the conclusion of our series As We Age, we bring together a panel of guests navigating emotional and complex conversations — from how to care for their aging parents, negotiating moves into retirement homes, to what it means to grow old yourself while caring for someone else. It’s an intimate look at the realities many Canadians are quietly managing behind closed doors.

Ten years ago, I asked my partner Kelsey if she would marry me. I did that, despite the fact that every living member of my family who had ever been married had also gotten divorced. Forever is a Long Time is a five-part series in which I talk to those relatives about why they got divorced and why they got married. You can listen to it now on CBC's Personally. This is a CBC Podcast. Hello, I'm Matt Galloway and this is The Current Podcast. This season on this program, we have been talking about growing old. We have discussed the challenges of failing health, dwindling finances, finding the right

supports and a whole lot more. You know, if we're lucky, we age together with family and community. But even so there can be hard conversations and big decisions that you need to make as the years tick up. And so we're going to wrap up our series as we age. And to do that, I'm joined first by three people

who wrote to us about their aging parents, Tamara Nasryk and Peter Ho are with me in our studio in Toronto, and Jacqueline Foner is in Calgary. Good morning, everyone. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Jacqueline, I want to start with you because you're the youngest person who's here. You're 28 years old and you wrote, I'm fairly young, but I'm getting very worried about my parents. What are you already worrying about when it comes to your parents? My dad is 68 and he's definitely losing his hearing now.

It's really difficult because his dad had hearing aids and I think, you know, nobody wants to turn into their parents. And we all do anyways. So it's kind of a hard conversation because, you know, he can just be like, oh, you're not talking loud enough. And like, right, but can you please go and get your hearing checked? Can you please go to a doctor? And it's just been this very difficult fight with that. And in terms of my mom, she is also very resistant to go to a doctor. She's 67 and she lives in a very remote area of BC. Her closest emergency room

is a 45 to an hour drive away. So if anything were to happen to her, it would be really, really difficult for me to get there. She lives an eight hour drive away from me. So yeah, I'm just worried. What are the conversations that you've been able to have with your parents about aging? Yeah, I think with my mom, she was like, oh, if I get an annoying and old lady, you know, just throw me in a home care home. I'm like, well, you know, I'd like you to maintain your independence as much as possible, especially as I'm really early in my career and I don't really have the finance to take

care of them if anything bad were to happen. And my sister as well, she's 31. Are they interested in having those conversations with you? Mary Flaucus No. Pete Slauson No. Mary Flaucus No. Mary Flaucus Yeah. They both like to say, you know, the

jokes of, you know, oh, I'm getting old and that kind of thing, which is hard to hear. But at the same time, it does make me think, what am I gonna do? You guys are gonna be in your 70s and I'll be in my like early 30s and I'm not sure how to deal with that dynamic. Tamaher, you wrote talking about your dad, he's 94? He's 94. When you wrote to us, you were looking at retirement homes with him and with his wife. How's that been going? They tried it for two weeks and then they went back home.

Okay, there's a story there. He was telling different people different excuses, but one of the things I think we gained from it was the other people looked old, but to us, they look old, but they won't admit it to themselves. He's 94 and she's 90. She's 90, yeah. So even like he went to a physiotherapist and he should be using a walker, but a walker makes him look old, so he doesn't want to use the walker.

What is it like to see your dad and his wife get older? Well, my dad owned a health food store and he missed your vitamins, so he had every vitamin going. Wasn't he like garlic man of the year or something like that? Yes, yes, because garlic is healthy, so he had a health food store called the Garlic Grove. So it is tough because he fell when he was 88 and then things went down from there. He lost his eye from the fall in his garden.

We didn't have the conversations that Jacqueline had when they were in their 70s. There's no way they would have had that conversation. What's the what's the toughest part in seeing him get older? Seeing that they need more help from us because they're your parents. So you used to go to them for help. So changing that dynamic is hard. You're in an interesting situation, Peter. You're living in a multi-generational home. Your teenage daughter is with you and your parents are there as well. Correct. Yeah, we moved back to our home about a year ago. We were living in Japan. My parents who had been living on their own, all of a sudden they now have us in their home and having that dynamic of a little bit of losing independence, but

of course embracing the family life again. And just our Asian culture of trying to include multi-generations where, yes, we are dealing with my parents, but also my children are dealing with their grandparents. That change has been quite interesting to deal with. What is it like living with your parents again? A little bit of what Jacqueline also and Tamara have also breached upon where they're our parents and we are always going to be their children,

no matter what. I suppose after coming back after 21 years of living away from them, coming back in, I joke that I'm no longer 16, I'm actually eight actually eight years old. And so I understand that as part of my Chinese culture, where it is the eldest taking care of the younger ones. So I find myself trying to have those difficult conversations, trying to let them know that there are perhaps better ways than how they used to handle things.

And perhaps that means losing control or putting me in a position of authority. Have you talked to them at all about whether that arrangement of you all living together will continue or whether they're in their eighties, right? They are in their eighties. Whether they would perhaps want to move to a place that has assisted living or what have you? We have approached the subject. They have no intention to go to an assisted living. I do want them to be as independent as they can. If they could continue some care at home, perhaps having a nurse coming in to check

on them now and then health-wise. So that blend, it's not all or nothing, but having those conversations and finding is a bit of a minefield. Pete You've been down this road Tamara. I mean, and as you said, they were in a residence and it lasted for two weeks. Tamara Correct. So, they went in for respite care, just to try it out. But during that time, my dad has a geriatric doctor, which I say everybody should have,

he was wonderful. And he had said, well, two weeks isn't long enough, you should try it for at least a month. And living in an assisted care or retirement home will keep you out of long-term care longer. How did your dad respond? He ignored it. So what is your sense as to why the two weeks only lasted for that long? Is it about independence? Is it about that they would lose something if they were to go into a system? I think it was too regimented because you had to go down at this time for lunch and you had to go down this time for exercise. So that may be part of it, but I think you've been in your home for 50, 60, 70 years, you don't want to change.

Where does that leave you? Well, I'm the youngest. I've got two siblings closer to him, but he trusts me for the doctor's appointments. I early retired, so my siblings are all working. So they think it's my responsibility. Pete Slauson Jacqueline, I mean, as you listen to this, this is the kind of stuff that you're worried about, right?

Jacqueline Bregman Yeah, Tamara, I think it's very funny that your 94-year-old father is concerned about old people. You know, my 68-year-old dad saying the same thing and I think with Peter, yeah, to suddenly be back living with your parents, you know, like, this is my house, my rules kind of thing when you're a kid, to like now having, you know, the same thing but to them. My children, my children are not my children. But is your life different now? Like, are you operating under their rules? Oh, most certainly. Like, and I have been able to quote unquote, bend the rules. I mean, they were

not as regimental as I'm making them sound. It took some time for us to figure out who would be responsible for what and just those little battlegrounds of, okay, I'll take care of this, you'll take care of this. And I know, like, for my parents, they immigrated from Macau. So they had to live through a very survivalist. They've had to work through, they've had to go by their own rules and it served them well. And those little micro battles of, yes, those things are correct, but this can be done better. And that letting go or that little bit of relinquishing has been how I've been reshaping our relationship and dynamics. Jacqueline, do you think your parents understand the stress that you have about them getting older?

No, no, not at all. I think, you know, like 10 years ago I was a teenager, so like I think they're in their head still, you know, seeing me as like their youngest daughter and, you know, like, oh, you young kids and you're blah blah blah. It's sort of the attitude I feel like I get. So it's really has to be my sister and I kind of against the two of them and she's a little bit dismissive of it. You know, she's like, oh just leave them alone. They're okay. They haven't had anything big yet. Don't worry about it. Jacqueline, if I can say like part of what I felt in trying to discuss things and approaching things with my parents is I can't respond to them as if I'm as a teenager. I've had to change the way that I've approached them in my

communications. I know I've had to reflect and say okay I cannot just directly tell them how they would tell me. I've had to find different ways on how to approach them and speak to them. Having that shift could help with that discussion. Pete Slauson Tamara, do you have any advice on that? Tamara Slauson My sister and I are very close in this. So, when we want to bring something up, we'll

say, okay, when we go to see dad, you say this and I'll say this. Pete Slauson Tag team. Tamara Slauson Tag team to bring them into the conversation. Pete Slauson And that works? Tamara Slauson And that works sometimes, yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes. Does it make you think, having conversations like this, does it make you think about your

own aging at all? No. You were all... No? Yes, yes. It does. It has, actually. Yeah. So you say, no, Jacqueline, you said you're... Again, I keep saying you're 28, but part of that is because you're the youngest person in this conversation.

I am, yeah, yeah. You are thinking about that? Yeah. Two years ago, I injured my ankle and I had surgery and I'm having this other hip problem. And so I've been in a lot of doctor's appointments over the past two years, which has been really hard. And so I think like, and when I get older and that's going to be like a thing and also being in the chemical field, just exposed to chemicals all the time, I'm like, am I going to have brain cancer? Like, and I get really concerned and I always get kind of pushed off. You're young, don't worry about it. We'll worry

about it in 50 years or something. And I'm like, okay, let me look ahead, you know, 40 years. Oh God. And just getting that kind of pushback from my parents. It's like, you know, I want to know what is going to come ahead for me. I'd like to catch everything early so I can live like really healthy when I'm your age. And my mom, very proud of her, she did a triathlon and came first in her age group. Yeah, so I'm really proud of her for that. And I'm like, wow, I really hope when I'm 67,

I'm able to run in a triathlon and win. It's really impressive. So I would like to have that as well when I'm older. Peter, you said that this is getting you thinking about getting older as well. Yeah, I suppose having my children with me, they're teenagers and them witnessing what's the relationships have been going on with myself and my parents. I'll tell them, okay, when I do this, this is what you need to do. This is how you could relate to us and not the way that I'm relating to my parents or something. So, but yeah, I do find that as I'm getting older,

I can see this is the pathway or this is a pathway of what I would go through. So, I guess just trying to be proactive and set these guideposts of how I could be taken care of when I get older. I understand that it does take a whole village to not only raise a person, but also to care for them lifelong. So I know I will need help and I would want that help. And hopefully my children would want to help me. What would you say to people who are listening based on your own experience as to how they might navigate

the situation? I would start with trying to communicate and keeping open. Create different channels of communication so that when a situation, if it becomes a dire situation or if it suddenly comes about, you're not trying to overcome that difficulty of communicating first so that a level of trust and a level of respect can be made. Is drinking raw milk safe like RFK Junior suggests? Can you reduce a glucose spike if you eat your food in quote unquote the right order? I'm registered dietitian Abby Sharp. I host a nutrition myth busting podcast called Bite Back with Abby Sharp. And those are just

some of the questions I tackle with qualified experts on my show. On Bite Back with Abbey Sharp. And those are just some of the questions I tackle with qualified experts on my show. On Bite Back, my goal is to help listeners create a pleasurable relationship with food, their body, and themselves, which in my opinion is the fundamental secret to good health. Listen to Bite Back wherever you get your podcasts. Tamara? We've already planned, like we've got our wills, our power of attorney, and it's surprising how many people my age don't have that when we're talking to some friends. So we do things like that proactively.

And again, communication, making sure your kids know what you want. Just in terms of the conversations that you've had with your dad and with his wife, I mean, what have you gleaned that would be good advice for other people in terms of how they might have those conversations? Make sure all the siblings are on the same page. We also have family meetings. His financial advisor actually came over before he moved into the home, and all four of us were there talking with the financial advisor how everything was set up and how much money he has to live in this home for so long. And my dad was totally for this. Yeah. Jacqueline? I think it's how do you approach this conversation with your parents and how do you have them,

you know, see you as an adult and see you as someone who's caring for them and not trying to put them down. The initial thing that made me write in was there was a woman on here who said that she was bringing things up as, you know, I heard this thing, what do you think about it? And just trying to give them their own voice rather than you pushing your own narrative and your own voice onto them and listen to what they think and what they have to say. For them to have their independence and you know, also to have their own way of saying, this is what I think is important to me right now and how do I get it to put in their hands, I guess, so that they make those decisions for themselves too, even if they're guided by their children.

I appreciate you all listening to the series, but also writing and then coming in to talk about what you individually are going through and how we might all learn from your own experiences. Jacqueline, thank you very much. Thank you. And Peter, thank you. Thank you. Tamara, thank you. You're welcome.

Tamara Nazarek and Peter Ho are in Toronto. Jacqueline Farner is in Calgary. They wrote to us about their parents. We also got a lot of feedback to our series from older people. An interesting and scary topic on your show this morning. I wonder if you've spoken about the invisibility or problems of those of us who are approaching 90.

I've always been fit. At 56, I did my second and final Ironman Canada Triathlon. One thing I've always told myself was to age gracefully and don't try to be young. I lived in my own home for nearly 60 years and widowed for over 22 years. I ride my bicycle a mile around the track every day. You saw my little old rusty bike out there. As we heard from seniors all over the country about the pains and joys of growing old, this is a familiar topic and one that people want to talk about and also wish that younger people

knew about aging. People wrote to us about what they've learned themselves about aging and we followed up with a few of those people who got in touch. Forward touch, side step together. Barbara Waldner is 94 in touch. Forward touch, side step together. Barbara Waldner is 94 in Victoria. We caught up with her line dancing. I have always loved dancing.

I get it from my Métis grandmother. She danced all the time. Don Smith is 82. He lives in Halifax. I cleaned the floor for you today. It's shiny. Yes. I swept it floor for you today. It's shiny. Yes, I swept it and moped it so so I do the dishes and I do the laundry and I eat all the food.

Well you know whatever Jocelyn does, she does it with fun cash. Jocelyn Cooper's in Toronto. She just had a big family party celebrating her 90th birthday. I feel inflated. The balloons are still on my ceiling. They don't seem to want to deflate the 9 and the 0. Oh but you know what's nice? My granddaughter made the birthday cake. Delicious.

Jocelyn, Barb and Dawn all spoke to us about their challenges with aging and we will give them the last word in our series as we age. I still love at the age of 90 to write and sing and paint and socialize and listen to the radio. And sometimes I get so angry that I don't remember the comments

and I don't remember what program I'm in. It might have been The Current, it might have been Day Six. I comment a lot, and as I get older I talk more than I did when I was younger. As I get older, I talk more than I did when I was younger. And I can still jump. That's one of my things. I'm really, really pleased with it. I don't know how old you are, but you're never going to expect to be 82.

You just have to prepare now. I don't think we take old age seriously. We see somebody that's really in poor shape and we don't think about it for ourselves because we're young and healthy and doing all sorts of things. I tell my children, my grandchildren, nobody listens, but I say you look after your body when it's young and it will look after you when you're old. There are people who need walkers and they won't use them because they're ashamed. Give me a break, you know.

I bless the person who invented this little mode of transportation. I would be stuck in my apartment. It's given me the ability to join people, to be part of other groups. Last summer, one of my granddaughters got married and I was asked by someone here, a good friend, whether I had walked down the aisle. And I said, yes, I was very pleased about that. He said, did you use your walker? Well, if I didn't use my walker, I would have to crawl down the aisle.

I said, why are you asking? Of course I did. Why are you asking me that? He said, well, you know, sometimes women want to look their best. That's ageism and sexism all together in one fell swoop. I just said, that's the only way I could have walked down the aisle, and I didn't mind.

That's me. You have to accept the changes in life. When I was very young, I must tell you this. I was 18, I worked in the bank in the loan department, and there was a man that used to come in and he died. And he was 32. And I had the audacity to say,

well he was getting on. I've never forgiven myself for that. I thought what a terrible thing to do. You know, the age of 18. I think you're only the age that you feel if you keep active as I have all my life. And I never drank and I never smoked. I never laid out in the sun and toasted myself. I'd have more wrinkles now if I did. I don't think that when we're young that we're ever going to be old. I mean, today is a good time, but it's a little slower than the good times we had before.

My friend Bob downstairs, he was a marathoner and he was around just over three hours for a marathon. And now we have to drive the marathon, going to Peggy's Cove. I used to cycle to Peggy's Cove, 56th and Ironman, and now I have to walk. The biggest worry I have, and my buddies have, maybe not being able to drive.

I don't particularly appreciate being offered help with something I can do by myself. So you need to be given the chance to do it by yourself. Like obviously I let myself in and out of my door every single day, but if someone's coming into my apartment with me they have a tendency to want to hold the door for me. I don't really need that. We have a dishwasher, but well I guess I'm the. But we do have one, but I never use it. And I do them better than my wife.

And I dry the cutlery, I put it away. I don't let it sit there. Then, I hid that. Chocolate bars, I left them out and I didn't want you to see them. So I hid them. I didn't want anybody to see them because they might want one.

I just like everybody to know that old people were once young and and we did stuff when we were young and Aging is not for the the meek. It's all gonna happen You just have to take take it one day at a time and keep moving keep moving keep moving I have a lot of tees. I have white tees in the summer. Everybody has to come and wear white and I have a birthday tees and I have a group that's called Club 31 from our church. We're all born in 1931, so every year I have a tee. And then all July babies at the church, I have another tee for them. But I have tees all through the year.

If you aren't getting out, have somebody in. Invite people into your house and you'll be surprised how much they have appreciated being invited and how much you will enjoy yourself. You don't have to have a fancy tea, a cup of tea and a cookie if you want. That's, you know, you don't need a lot. We try to get to the park every day and go for a walk in the park and we have a group of old people that meet down there and have a coffee and on Friday we have a little toast, a sambuca to cheer another week above the ground. Growing old is a blessing because so many people don't. I'm lucky I can still get around,

I can still do things. I don't always make sense but most of the time. My most precious jewel, a gift I got from my husband, I can't wear it on my finger, it's much too big for that and it did come in its own case. It's my auto harp. He would buy me gifts that would affect our quality of life. And by buying me an auto harp, we could do music together because he played a few instruments and we started to sing together. Show you what makes it an easy instrument in a sense. Oh you'll like this. I started going out with him when I was 15, got married when I was 19. He turned 20 on our honeymoon and we were married for 65 years.

My credo, I suppose, is to live in the present, live in the moment. Don't dwell on the past and don't try to wish time away. Every single day is precious. And the most important thing is be social, be with people. Oh my God. Let's do Hello Dolly. Line dancing, this was a dance that didn't have to have a partner. Sway left and shuffle to the side. My husband was good at composing music and poetry and songs, but he couldn't get the music down to his feet. So this way you don't need a partner and it's wonderful because there's a lot of people

who don't have partners and they love dancing and this is the way to get your exercise and have fun. You're still growing, you're still growing, you're still growing strong. These are Barb Waldner, Jocelyn Cooper, and Don Smith. Thanks to our producers Ann Penman, Mary Catherine McIntosh, and Inez Calabrese for capturing their voices. Our series As We Age was produced by Inez Calabrese and Mellie Gumus. You've been listening to The Current Podcast. My name is Matt Galloway.

Thanks for listening. I'll talk to you soon. For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca slash podcasts.