The Current - Getting older is hard. Does doing it alone have to be worse?

Episode Date: May 1, 2025

Getting older is difficult, but it can be even harder on your own. As part of our series As We Age, we look at the complications of aging without friends or family nearby — and where people can find the support they need.

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This is a CBC Podcast. Hello, I'm Matt Galloway and this is The Current Podcast. Getting old can be hard. In our series As We Age, we have been talking about some of the difficult decisions people face as they get older and perhaps they need more support and care. Often family is part of that picture but a growing number of seniors find themselves aging on their own without a spouse, without kids involved. Larry Grand is 76 years old. He lives by himself in the township of North Algona Wilberforce in Renfrew County, Ontario, just a little bit northwest of Ottawa.

Larry, good morning. Good morning. I want to ask you about, as I said, you're 76 years old, you live by yourself. What's that been like getting older on your own? It's been going very well in my case. I still have my health, I still have my mental health, my physical health.

I'm still very engaged and active in the community. But what has happened in the last few years is the recognition that I truly am getting older and that I cannot move the way I used to and perhaps I don't think as fast as I used to. So then there's a growing understanding that as time goes on, it may become more and more

difficult. What's the best thing about being by yourself at this age? I think the best thing about it in my case is that I can just wake up in the morning and do what I need to do or I want to do on the schedule that I choose. As you said though, one of the things, we all go through this, one of the things with getting older is that you realize you're getting older. When did you notice, what was it that twigged to you that, yes indeed, you're 76 years old? There were a number of changes that I noticed in my body. For example, when I was about 71, I started to have issues with my hearing, so I ended up having to get hearing

aids. I rejected my hearing aids, I wouldn't wear them until finally I realized that I was asking people to repeat themselves. And then I said, you know what, you are really moving on, and it's time to put on those hearing aids. And when that happened, it was like other things started to fall in place as an understanding that my life is changing. Do you have, if you don't mind me asking, do you have family or siblings or kids or anybody who might be around to help you if you needed it as you get older? The nearest relative would be Toronto. And then I have a brother and sister-in-law in Guelph,

another one in Montreal. Lots of friends around, but family members are farther away. You live in a rural community. What does that mean in terms of some of the things that would complicate getting older on your own? Oh, the issue of transportation is a huge issue. Living where I live, there are no bus services or taxi cabs or Uber drivers. If you were unable to drive, do you worry about how you would get around in that community?

Well, absolutely. And that's why after living where I'm living for the last 50 years and as part of getting older, there is the recognition that it really is time for me to move on. And I need to go to a place where I can easily give up my driver's license and still have transportation. So I'm looking down at, oh my gosh, I may have to move to a city where there is a bus. I mean, this is really wonderful that I've had this opportunity to live here. No, I know exactly what you, I grew up in a small town, so I know exactly of what you would be giving up if you had to move to a big city.

Yeah. So that's also part of getting older and recognizing that I have to make these really huge changes that are responsible for my well-being and my future. When you think about that well-being, I mean, what are some of the things that you worry about the most? Driving perhaps and getting around is one of them, but what else? I don't think I'm worrying. I think I have concerns because if I was worrying worrying then I'd be thinking about it all the time and I wouldn't be able to get on with what I want to do with the time that I have. So my concerns are will I have the physical ability to do the things that I need to do?

Will I have the mental ability when I need to make seriously important decisions, will I be able to implement those decisions? Now, it's one thing to say, okay, I need to move, but it's another thing to implement a decision like that. There's so many steps involved. So those are concerns. And the timing that goes with those concerns is really important because I don't want to be in a position where I start to deteriorate and all of a sudden I don't have the capacity to make decisions and implement

them. If I'm living alone, I know that for seniors, issues around falls and related injuries is a big deal. And I don't perseverate on the issue of falling, but I say to myself, I got to be careful in my home, I got to be mindful. And I do a lot of exercise to be strong and healthy so that I can minimize the risk of a fall, but it is a concern. It's a concern for any aging person. Do you mind me asking, it's a strange personal question, but do you ever, when you're by

yourself, do you ever feel lonely? Yes. How do you deal with that? What do you do about that? Fortunately, I have lots of activities because they say my health is good, so I go out and do my activities. And fortunately, I have a good number of friends to do those things with, but there are moments where I'm truly by myself. So some evenings when I'm preparing my meal,

I think, oh, I really wish there was someone here. So there are moments of loneliness. Would you think, I mean, if you have to leave the community that you're in, I mean, are you looking at, for example, like a community, a seniors community or a retirement home or something like that, is that where there would be other people around, is that something that you would think about? Yes, but I'm kind of holding that in the back of my mind.

If I'm going to make the change, actually, I have to make the change. I have friends who live in a very nice condominium in Ottawa that would be within my financial means. And so that would be a step towards a more assisted living situation. Yeah, I'm not ready for the kind of retirement home that you may be referring to. As far as the senior community goes, yeah, I'm gonna look into that. It sounds like it'd be another sort of stepping stone

towards something more appropriate if I start to deteriorate. You're really thinking carefully about this, which is fascinating and really important. Is there advice that you would give somebody else who's in your situation, who is getting older on their own? Because I am who I am, I'm going to say stay active, walk a lot, do exercise, you know, get activities, do them, stay engaged with your community,

with your friends, and I think face the reality that you're getting older and implement decisions that you need to make to deal with your life before you don't have that capacity anymore. That's a good bit of advice. And to that end, when you hang up the phone and we're done this conversation, where are you off to later today? I'm a whitewater kayaker, and my friend Beth called me up,

and we're gonna to do a section of the Mattawaska River today. We're going to run the middle section. That sounds amazing. Good luck and it's a real pleasure to talk to you, Larry. Thank you very much. Thank you. Larry Grand is aging on his own.

He lives in the township of North Algona Wilberforce in Runfrew County, Ontario, which is just a little bit outside of Ottawa. This country has one of the highest populations of solo agers. There are some programs to bring them together and find support apart from family. Oasis is an organization that creates communities for older adults, provides supports to help them live

independently and age in place. There are many of these types of organizations across the country. Claudine Matlow is executive director of West End Seniors Network. They partner with Oasis to run the new Continental in Vancouver. This is an apartment for seniors. Most residents live there on their own. I think one of the major benefits is that there really wasn't an opportunity for people to come together.

There was a space, but without the facilitation structure for people to it's almost like having a reason to gather and get to know each other. It just wasn't happening. So the oasis was able to provide that structure, and when that happens, then people start to build relationships with others in the building, which then strengthens their social networks, which

then provides, you know, opportunities for connection and just even if people choose not to connect, it's that sense of now I belong with something or I have a purpose. Often what happens when people are living alone, they have that sense of loneliness which can lead to depression, but they are also not physically getting out into the community and moving around.

So just moving is going to make us feel better and then seeing our peers and having those chances to have a conversation also helps to lift you up, just makes us feel better when we have somebody to talk to. It's Claudine Matlow, executive director of the West End Seniors Network. They work with Oasis and running the New Continental

in Vancouver. We wanted to hear more about that, so we visited with the seniors who live there. My name is Steve Banny. I've been here since August of last year and it's been nothing but a positive and good experience as a tenant. I'm Fiona McCauley. I've lived in the building for six years but I've been with Oasis since they started. There's a lot of barriers getting older, you know, it's just the way it is. You have to make the best. I'm Peter Baird.

I've been in this building for 12 years. I just came out of hospital after a stem cell transplant and ended up with a relationship break up and I needed to find somewhere to live that I could afford and I was fortunate enough to be able to find a unit in the building. This is a means of trying to get people back out of their suites just to socialize again. Just taking that first step out the door. For a lot of them that's a hard thing to do. Like I'm busy when I'm at home, I have a lot of hobbies, but there's a lot of people here don't. They're just sitting alone with their memories. They don't have any family left.

Most of their friends are gone. I know most of my friends are gone. I'm only 69. It's a real thing for people. They have less and less people that they know from the past. And it's a lot harder to make new friends when you're older, especially if you're afraid to take that first step. And one of the things about getting older, we get more stubborn. That becomes a challenge. That becomes a challenge to try and overcome that.

But it's, I think, more of a defensive kind of frame of mind because being older we're more vulnerable we have to be actually more aware of the risks that we have being older and of being taken advantage of there are a lot of people in building who have been hurt one way or another and are very reluctant to reach out in case that they get hurt again. That's the biggest thing I think, the loneliest factor. Losing family or contact with family or just by themselves and that's really so tragic is why I appreciate Oasis and the efforts they're putting in to try and bring people together understanding that dynamic. The community is it's something

that you make and it's the financial situation that traps the Cedars without any outlets or people to talk to or what seems to not be resources or avenues. There may be a lot of people that would like to engage in different social avenues that aren't being provided, so we need to do a better job with our seniors. We have contributed significantly to our society over the years and we're living in a sort of societal situation that doesn't recognize what we have put into society to there may be arguments that you know maybe we're responsible the way some things are in society but that's a course of events

and then it seems like again we're sort of been shelter side. Some people really believe that some generations think we need to hurry up and shuffle off this mortal coil. Probably the largest population growth in and over the next 10 years is our seniors. And we are not creating those spaces, those places, and if things need it, the government, people know it's coming. We need to be prepared. It's almost emergency preparedness at this time. And maybe it's not that the money's not there, we have to relook at how we're using those resources. We have in our minds that maybe we're not long, so why reach out, why do anything more? Because we're not going to change the inevitable. The problem with that of course is, in that

last lap, it could be a much more fulfilling last lap. I'd sooner go out with guns blazing rather than running. It's the right to dignity. I say it's the right to dignity. When you get to that age there should be a quality of life that gives you the right to dignity in those later years that provide what you lose, both physically, maybe mentally, but still give you that same value and comfort of life that you had when you were contributing. Hey there, I'm David Common. If you're like me, there are things you love about

living in the GTA and things that drive you absolutely crazy. Every day on This Is Toronto, we connect you to what matters most about life in the GTA, the news you got to know and the conversations your friends will be talking about. Whether you listen on a run through your neighbourhood or while sitting in the parking lot that is the 401, check out This Is Toronto wherever you get your podcasts. Dr. Samir Sinha is a geriatrician, clinician scientist with Sinai Health and the University Health Network in Toronto. He's also director of health policy research with the National Institute on Aging. He's currently a visiting fellow at the University of Oxford. He has been a regular guest

on this program, particularly as we've been talking about these conversations around getting older. And he joins us again, Dr. Sinha, Hello to you. Hello to you, Matt. Start with where you heard from Larry, somebody who is very happy to be on his own. He talked about a few of the things that he's up against, but he's thinking really carefully about how he can be on his own in a rural community and the changes that he might have to make. What did you make of what he had to say? I thought Larry was a champ. I just, I was so impressed with his realistic outlook on what he's facing

as an older person living on his own, but not letting that get in the way. As he said, you could dwell on this and you could be worrying all the time, or you could say, okay, look, as I'm aging, my body's changing, my reality's changing, and if I want to stay healthy and independent, I always like to say with my patients that a good offense is a great defense. We all know what the last chapter looks like. We're all at one point going to meet our demise, but there's a way in which we can actually negotiate what those later years will look like so we can remain healthy and independent for as long as possible. All the wisdom that he he was sharing that he's been thinking about, he's doing all the right things.

And yeah, I'm glad that he was able to share some of that wisdom with so many others who are probably starting to negotiate these ideas as well. It's interesting when you take a look at the scenarios that would lead people to get older on their own, run us through some of them. What's in the background there? Yeah, so when we think about this idea of solo agers,

this idea that, you know, some people talk about people being kinless, and I don't like that term, because Larry's an example of a solo ager. He has family members. They just don't happen to be living in the same community as him in Renfrew County. So it's not that Larry doesn't have family.

It's not that Larry doesn't have friends. he just happens to be living on his own. And that could have happened for a variety of reasons. Maybe he's widowed, maybe he never got into a relationship with another person. So there's so many reasons why people can end up aging on their own. And as we heard from the other folks, sometimes you also outlive family members and friends. So there's a variety of things that are allowing us. There's also the reality of Canada. Canada has been a more progressive society over time and we've given opportunities, not enough, but more opportunities that have allowed women to actually get careers, get reasonable salaries, and not necessarily have to choose

to enter into a relationship as they age and so on. And so that's why we have a higher proportion, why Canada is one of the top four countries in the world where we have this phenomenon of solo-agers, because so many people have been able to actually choose to age on their own or to live on their own as opposed to potentially being forced to be into relationships for economic convenience. Part of that progressiveness, I mean, this is something that I'd read about is also when it comes to same-sex marriage in this country. And if you take a look at couples that have aged, but also where that might leave, we don't think enough about an aging individual who might not feel comfortable being in a retirement community that is not as accepting perhaps as the community

that they were leaving in their home community. Absolutely. This is a whole other aspect. Being a more progressive society has meant that people have been able to actually live their authentic selves. And again, it's a complicated story. There may have been people who have families that have become estranged from families, but it doesn't mean that they don't have friends and they may have a chosen

family. But at the same time, now being a person, a member of the LGBT community, I have some patients who've, you know, lost loved ones during the AIDS pandemic. And so now they are solo aging and they are worried because if they do need to go into a care home, if they do need to receive care, they're worried about who's going to be providing me this care and will I have to literally go back into the closet? You know, progress has allowed us to live more independent lives, but also sometimes we haven't progressed enough as

a society to recognize and say, so how do we actually support all of these individuals so they can still live healthy and independent lives and remain productive and engaged members of our society? What do you look out for when it comes to solo agers? If you're worried about health and wellness, what are the markers that you're looking for? So whenever I have an older patient in my practice, who is a solo ager or who has become a solo ager, I try to gently have these conversations

where we start thinking about what the future may look like and how we're gonna prepare for that together. Maintaining one's health and wellness, really important for everybody, but especially for solo agers. It's also thinking about your network. We have the staff that says about one quarter of older Canadians don't have a family member or friend close at hand in their own communities who could help them with a basic task like getting a prescription

filled. Now Larry in his situation, he doesn't have family close at hand, but he has friends. And so with some of my solo agers in my practice, you know, if they don't have family around and they don't really have that many friends, we start looking at opportunities like Oasis, a local senior center or a local church, for example, that they may want to go to, places where they could develop and strengthen those networks, because those networks are going to be what helps you be able to get a ride, to get groceries, to do things, especially if you're living on your own. So it's about maintaining your health, it's about strengthening those networks that can help you stay independent. And then the third part is also thinking about the reality of where do you want to age and how do we facilitate that?

Because if you are trying to, as Larry was saying, you know, he's not prepared, you know, he's thought about these things. I don't want to go into retirement home, but I'd like to be in a condo. I have some friends, you know, there I'd like to create a natural occurring retirement community or NORC, kind of like what we heard in the OASIS model. It's that idea that I still want to be on my own but I still want to be close to other people that I can rely upon and that's going to be that appropriate step. But again in future if I have to look at other options what will those be and can I even afford them? Can I even afford to pay someone to come in and help me with some of those tasks? So it's thinking about the financial realities

and the realities of where you wanna live and can you afford that? And how do we think about those options proactively so that you're not necessarily in a situation where you're now in a hospital with a broken hip and we're like, what do we do now? I thought it was interesting in hearing from those folks who are at Oasis, one of them said that they wanna go out

with guns blazing. How can a naturally occurring retirement community facilitate that? To give people a sense that last quarter of life, that last stretch can be one that's – I mean Larry's going out white water paddling. That can give you that sense of community and that sense of energy so that you're still living, not just running at the clock. Well, the Oasis model that just featured, I thought it was great because again, it's the idea that there are so many people, if you take the city of Toronto, for example,

40% of our aging population in Toronto are living in vertical buildings, are living in apartment buildings or condo buildings, for example, on their own or maybe with a partner or friend in a buildings, for example, you know, on their own or maybe with a partner or friend, you know, in a unit, for example. But so many people are living in those situations where we heard, you know, you could be sitting on your own in your apartment just with your memories or, you know, how do you get out in the hall? How do you get to know your neighbors and build that community and

build that network and build those friendships? Because when you think about issues like social isolation and loneliness, they can occur at all ages. But right now, we know according to the National Institute on Aging, our national survey, that we have 43% of older adults who are at risk of experiencing social isolation and 58% who reported experiencing loneliness as well. And these are things, and you know, may say, oh, well, that's, you know, loneliness and social isolation, big deal. Well, actually, these things can really threaten a person's health and wellbeing,

because extreme loneliness has been considered as deadly as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. So the idea of being able to help solo agers or people who might be a bit more isolated to actually form communities and form friendships. That's the lifeblood of life, right? When you have people you can gather together with just to laugh, to reminisce. These are the things that make us happy. These are the things that make us engaged because we're social animals. And I think that's what I think about going out guns and blazing. I might not be with my family members but

I outlive them for example, but I would love the idea that I'm in a community where I'm known, where I know others, they know me and even if it's a matter of just getting together and just being together, that's what I think is a really nice place to be in no matter where you are. In having these conversations, received all this mail from people who hear themselves in the stories that we're talking about and are looking for some solutions. We got a letter from Simone Hernandez-Ramdwar in Winnipeg about this idea that people are getting older but they don't have other people in their lives.

She wrote, I don't have children. My sister lives far away in Trinidad. I don't want to put the burden on my niece and my nephew who do not live in my city. I took care of my father through dementia until he passed at 94. There's no way I can do that on my own. I'm not afraid of aging.

I stay healthy. I know it's natural, but I'm very scared about finding someone who can support me through that transition. What do you say to somebody who, and this is a bit of what we heard from Larry, they're healthy now, they're independent now, but they're worried about the future. Yeah, and I think this is that fear that I think

many of us have in the back of our mind is, who is gonna care for me? And some people tell me, well, I'm having children, right? That'll be my insurance. And I'm like, having children does not guarantee you that they will be available or around or that they'll even want to care for you. So I think this is that healthy fear and

I think this is where we have to find that balance. I think what we want to do or we want to create communities and opportunities so that for folks who are aging in a solo way, they can become a part of a community and one that allows them to build those networks and those connections that can support them as they age. But we also have to think about how this is such a unique phenomenon for Canada, that as we're thinking about the future sustainability of our health and social care systems, that there are ways in which that other countries, for example, have developed housing models, for example, affordable housing models, but also reorganized home and community care services and social

services so that we can help people get around their communities, get the support they need, and at a much lesser cost than having to warehouse these people in the end in very expensive nursing homes where they often don't necessarily need or want to be. So there are actual things that we need to think about from a broader government and public policy standpoint that would actually help us manage this unique phenomenon that is a product of our progressive aspects as a society.

I think there's also things that we can do to enable folks like this and others to say, okay, well, how do I have options that are attractive so that can also enable me to age less on my own, if you will. And I guess if you just end finally, even briefly with where we started, which is what Larry has done in terms of thinking about this, right?

To your point, he's not worrying about this. I'm not being consumed by it, but actively thinking about what's going to happen next and how he's going to navigate that. That's something that we could all learn from. As I always say, good offense is a great defense. And just by starting to have these, you know, you doing the show, us thinking about it aloud allows

us to start planting the seeds so that we can stay ahead of this and make sure that we age with health and independence for as long as possible. Samir, it's great to talk to you as ever. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me. Dr. Samir Sinha is a geriatrician and clinician scientist with Sinai Health and the University Health Network in Toronto, also the Director of Health Policy Research with the National

Institute on Aging. He is currently a visiting fellow at the University of Oxford. If you are aging on your own, we'd love to hear from you. You can email us. What's that like? What are the challenges? What do you love about it? Email us at thecurrent at cbc.ca.