The Current - The joy of dining out — alone

Episode Date: April 11, 2025

Eating dinner by yourself at a restaurant can get you some sideways looks and maybe even pity — but for some people it's also one of life's great joys. We discuss why solo dining can be a gift of solitude in a busy world, and why going it alone doesn't always mean you're lonely.

When they predict we'll fall, we rise to the challenge. When they say we're not a country, we stand on guard. This land taught us to be brave and caring, to protect our values, to leave no one behind. Canada is on the line, and it's time to vote as though our country depends on it, because like never before, it does. I'm Jonathan Pedneau, co-leader of the Green Party of Canada.

This election, each vote makes a difference. Authorized by the Registeredleader of the Green Party of Canada. This election, each vote makes a difference. Authorized by the registered agent of the Green Party of Canada. This is a CBC podcast. Hello, I'm Matt Galloway and this is The Current Podcast. So how was everything today? Yeah, it was good. So does this particular noodle take like it's mixed with the yolk, right? At a noodle shop on Baldwin Street in downtown Toronto, the tables are for one.

Single chairs and single booths partitioned off, a divider running the length of the space. No communal tables, just you and your steaming bowl of noodles. The idea was actually come from a personal experience. My husband, he once traveled to Japan and he had a meal in a small solo dining ramen restaurant. It was cozy and quiet space where he felt like a fully connected to himself where he can also fully enjoy the taste of the food like he says all he sends were opened that's Jane Yu Jane and her husband Andy Su own Yunnan noodle shack it's a

Chinese restaurant build as Toronto's first solitary dining spot here in this restaurant eating alone isn't just accepted, it's expected. Solo dining is actually not just for introvert, it's for everybody. Solo dining is not about being antisocial, it's about being self-care. Life in the city is fast, it's noisy and it's busy. So here in Yunnan noodle shack we believe everyone deserves a little time for themselves. It's a quiet shift but one that speaks to something larger. More people are choosing to eat out alone apparently not just grabbing a quick bite but actually sitting down in a restaurant and staying. I used to be very uncomfortable with it but I think now like I'm trying to

experience stuff more on my own and just focus more about like myself rather than worrying about other people. It's completely normal, like people just prefer being alone and enjoy the food and having their own space and time. I think that's completely normal. It doesn't mean that you don't have good friends or that you are not popular. It's just like I'm more introverted. For some people being alone is a joyful opportunity to turn inward, to slow down, take a break from being around other people, and just be with your own thoughts. For others though it is not a choice but rather something they have been forced to get more comfortable with. Jacqueline Sugar has

become a lot more acquainted with Solitude recently. She is a solo diner and the founder of the Toronto Girl Collective. It's a community that helps women build friendships and feel more confident in doing things on their own. Jacqueline, good morning. Good morning. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me. You heard people there talk about how dining by yourself is completely normal. Does that make sense? Yeah. Why? Well, I just feel like there's so much societal pressure from people in society that, you know,

you should constantly have this connection and be constantly around people. And I really think that there should be more emphasis and, you know, more being okay with being alone, dining alone. When did you figure out that that was actually something that you liked, going out to a restaurant and sitting down by yourself and eating a meal? Probably when I was forced to.

In COVID, I feel like so many people were forced to be alone. And yeah, you're sitting with yourself and you know, you're kind of forced to be in your own space. I kind of just feel like that's what is okay now. That was what you were forced to do, but then you began to enjoy it. It's something that you actually wanted to do. It's something that I now enjoy. I feel like after founding Toronto Grow Collective, you know, it's something that I now have a choice to do.

So I have the choice to go out with friends or I have a choice to be alone. And I'm, you know, becoming more okay with that. And I think, you know, everyone else should too. Do you remember a meal when you were sitting by yourself and you thought, you know what, I don't miss anybody. I don't need anybody else here. I'm sitting here by myself and I'm eating this thing

and I'm on my own and it's pretty great. I can't think of a time necessarily, but I'll tell you a quick story. So after my long-term partner and I had broken up, I found myself in places that I normally would be with friends or with him. I was just okay with that. And yeah, I just, I feel like you need to spread the message of more people, where people need to be more okay

with being alone and that you can build new connection. You know, you can meet people while you're out or, you know, you can say hi to another person who's also dining solo. It creates new experiences. Have you ever had other people look at you when you're dining by yourself? And you can tell that they're kind of being a bit judgy? I mean, the odd time, yeah,

but I feel like in today's society that, you know, there's a lot more, not as much stigma as there used to be about dining alone. So I feel like maybe here or there sometimes, here and there sometimes, but not too much these days. You've created this organization that is about, as I said, kind of allowing women to feel more confident in doing things, maybe with other people or perhaps by themselves. Tell me about the Toronto Girl Collective. So it's a community I founded back in October of 2023. we had over 600 members in our community

in a couple days, in a mere couple days. It was pretty fascinating. I do monthly events and I feel in my heart that I've done my part in creating this community to what it has been only because I've made three, four really good, good friends who I speak with almost daily. You've got like thousands of people that are part of this, like 15,000 people in one area and thousands of people somewhere else.

Yeah. And it's tattooed on your arm as well. It is indeed. You said that this changed your life in some ways. Absolutely. What did it give you? And what does it give another women who are part of this, do you think? A sense of belonging.

I have people who reach out to me and just thank me for the community I've created. And it warms my heart because this is exactly why I have done it. And it's also been amazing for me and that's all I could ever ask for. Why do you think women need something like this to give them the confidence to go and sit at a bar of a restaurant by themselves? I think because there used to be a stigma or there used to be a really big stigma around it. What was that stigma, do you think?

That everyone needs someone. And that's not necessarily true. You know, you're supposed to or you should have this thought in your heart that you don't need somebody to be happy because you should be able to find that within yourself and I feel like that's really important. What are some of your favourite places to go to eat by yourself? As you previously mentioned, Uninoodle Shack, you know, I discovered it a couple years ago

and I feel like it's such an amazing place to maybe start out, only because they have these phone stands and you know, the tables are set up for solo, for yourself to be there solo. And I feel like it just creates a positive environment. So I love Uninoodle Shack, I love my favourite place, I've been going there since I was 14. I go there with myself or with my best friends called Sushi en Bloor. Where else do I go? I feel great going anywhere these days. It's not anywhere that I'm set on, but those are my two personal favorites. You mentioned the phone stand. I mean, are there things that restaurants could do for people who want to go and eat by themselves,

whether they're, maybe they're traveling, maybe they're single, maybe they just need some time by themselves, to make them feel more comfortable. You know, I feel like that could be done. I love the way UNIN has, you know, geared people to be more comfortable. They set out the things they have there to make you feel more comfortable. Like a stand to put your phone on

if you want to look at the phone while you're eating. Exactly, yeah. I feel like more restaurants can definitely do that. I think that might end the stigma just a little bit. What have you learned about yourself by going and eating by yourself? That it's okay. It's okay to be by yourself.

It's okay to feel, you know, maybe feel a little bit of loneliness while you're by yourself. You're in the biggest city in the country. Is it hard to find, I mean, I guess one of the things about going to a restaurant like that by yourself is that you get to find a bit of space for yourself. Is it hard to find that otherwise? No.

I feel like Toronto is so big, but it's so small at the same time. What would you say to somebody who is, I mean, they're nervous about going out and eating by themselves because you go to a restaurant and you see people with other people and you think if I'm there, I'm going to stick out, I'm going to feel, you know, like people say that you could look like a loner, you could look like somebody who's just on your own. What would you say to them? Probably that it's okay. You know, it's something that should be coming from within yourself to make

yourself happy and you should, you know, find happiness within yourself and it's okay. Jacklyn, thank you very much. No problem. Thank you for having me. Jacklyn Sugar is a solo diner and the founder of the Toronto Girl Collective. It's a community that helps women build friendships and feel more confident doing things, as you heard, with other people or on their own. When they predict we'll fall, we rise to the challenge. When they say we're not a country, we stand on guard. This land taught us to be brave and caring, to protect our values, to leave no one behind. Canada is on the line and it's time to

vote as though our country depends on it because like never before it does. I'm Jonathan Pedneau, co-leader of the Green Party of Canada. This election, each vote makes a difference. Authorized by the Registered Agent of the Green Party of Canada. This message comes from Viking. Committed to exploring the world in comfort. Journey through the heart of Europe on a Viking longship with thoughtful service, Her story, in some ways, reflects a growing sense of ease in choosing the right path. She's a young woman who's been through a lot of hardship, but she's still got a lot of hope.

She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope.

She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. She's got a lot of hope. Europe's waterways. Learn more at Viking.com. Her story in some ways reflects a growing sense of ease in choosing solitude. The shift isn't just personal though, there's something cultural going on and it's something that Bella DiPaolo has been paying attention to. She's a psychologist and the author of Single at Heart. It's a book about people who thrive outside of romantic relationships, often outside of traditional expectations.

Bella DiPaolo is in Summerland, California. Bella, good morning to you. Good morning. Thank you for having me. What do you love most about dining alone? Oh, I think your restaurant owner really nailed it when she talked about the sensory treat of dining alone. For me, it's not just the food. So, for example, my

favorite place nearby to dine alone is a deck overlooking a harbor. And I love to sit on that deck and I have the visual treat of the harbor and the mountains and the warm sun and the cool breeze and the smell of the fresh air. And I even enjoy the sound of other people chattering around me. It is really great for people watching, isn't it? Yes. You did some research into this. I mean, the headline out of it was, what do people really think about you when you are dining alone? What did you learn about the expectations and sort of the assumptions that people might

make about you if you were there on your own? Yes, well, this was one of the first studies I ever did in this area. I was sure that people dining alone would be judged more harshly. So my colleagues and I did this very elaborate study where we took pictures of people dining alone or dining with one other person or two or three and we showed the pictures to other people and asked them what they thought. And what we found surprised and delighted me, which was that overall there were no differences in the judgments of people who were dining alone compared to people who were with someone else. And there were some negative judgments that people fear when

they die by themselves like, oh he looks like he's lonely. But there were just as many positive assessments like she's enjoying a few good peaceful peaceful moments, or she just wanted to eat by herself, or my favorite, he is secure. In your own experience, I mean, that's really interesting because the photos would tell one story, but in your own experience, how have you been treated if you're dining alone? Have you been treated differently than you would be if you were there with other people I think mostly Initially by the person who is seating me sometimes And other people have told me this too. They think I'm waiting for someone I have to get past that and hopefully they won't say to you just one

And if they do, I'll say, one, not just one. But once I'm seated, I've mostly had very positive experiences. It's interesting because one of the things that we just heard from Jacqueline was this idea of people learning to be comfortable in their own skin and being comfortable in their own company. What does that mean to you, to be comfortable in your own company? I think it means something profound. And there's some research on this too,

which is that if you are comfortable in your own company, you are probably comfortable with who you are. You feel like you are authentic, that you're not being a fake. And if instead you don't really like who you are, you don't feel like you're being true to yourself, then it's not a comfortable experience to be alone. How does the phone complicate that? Because one of the things, people won't just sit there staring off into outer space or staring at their food,

they'll often just sit and stare at the phone. Yes, and I think the phone is great for tamping down any feeling of self-consciousness a solo diner might have, because scrolling your phone is now one of the most ordinary things in the world. And getting into this familiar and comfortable ritual can be a way of distracting yourself

from any self-consciousness. And I think it helped you in how you think about how other people are seeing you. So they are seeing you as, oh, you have something to do, rather than, oh, you're out by yourself because you don't have any friends. I mean, that's the difference between solitude and loneliness in some ways, right? And trying to find solitude versus loneliness. Can you just unpack what the difference as you see it is?

Oh, yes. So in my single-ed heart book, I quoted three people who said that briefly and more beautifully than I can. So Anna Quinn said, they're so different, loneliness and solitude. One is something missing, the other something found. And May Sarton said, loneliness is the poverty of self, solitude is the richness of self. And Alice Kohler wrote, being solitary is being alone well, being alone luxuriously immersed

in things of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence, rather than the absence of others. Do you think people believe that? I mean, I used to work in a restaurant and when somebody sat by themselves at the bar, they'd be called in the kitchen. I mean, they were referred to as the loser at the bar. Oh no, that's so awful. Yeah, I am doing my best to counter that. And think people who really enjoy being on their own should be upfront about it.

And I love that you're having this program on it because it does de-stigmatize. And I wonder, you know, if the people in the back of the restaurant making those snide comments, I wonder if they're just not that secure themselves. I mean, the pandemic, and Jacqueline talked a little bit about this, the pandemic in many ways forced us into our own heads

and away from each other to varying degrees. What impact do you think that has had on the solitude that some people seek five years after the heaviest days of the pandemic? People who study how we use our time have found that we are now spending more time alone after the pandemic than we were before. Now, I think there are a lot of possible reasons for that, but one of them is that we discovered that we actually like having time to ourselves, maybe not as much as we had during the pandemic.

But instead of what might have happened, which is that after being in lockdown for so long, you just lunge at the chance to socialize all the time, instead something different happened on average, which is that we spend more time alone than we did before, even though we don't have to do that anymore. People have seen this as, we talk a lot about the crisis of loneliness and that loneliness can lead to any number of health complications beyond just feeling like you're by yourself.

Do you worry about that at all? That people in searching for solitude may be running away from other people, that they might be avoiding those social contacts and those social networks that make us who we are? So I'm not saying that no one is lonely or there's not a problem, but I think the extent of it has been overblown.

And yes, some people can be using solitude to escape from the stressors of life, but in those cases, is it really the solitude that's the problem or the stressors? So what would you say to somebody who, I mean, they're hearing this and thinking, you know what I could do with a bit of time by myself sitting at the restaurant, at a table or at the bar, but they're worried that they're going to be judged, that people are going

to think, well, they're here by themselves because nobody else would come with them. They're worried that, you know, those folks in the kitchen are going to call them a loser. What would you say to them? If you start to feel self-conscious, you should remind yourself to feel proud, because there are other people who will not go out to dinner by themselves, and you are not one of them. And also, people who are with other people, maybe they are making what they see I see as a positive statement. Hey, look, I have friends, I have family, but if you are dining on your own, you are making a more impressive statement

that you are comfortable on your own. Bella DiPaolo, it's good to speak with you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Bella DiPaolo is a social psychologist and the author of the book Single at Heart.