The Current - What it’s like growing up as a ‘restaurant kid’

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

Rachel Phan was three years old when her parents opened a restaurant in Kingsville, Ont., a venture that quickly ate up most of their time and energy. In her new memoir, Restaurant Kid, the Chinese-Canadian author writes about feeling like the restaurant had stolen her parents away from her, and how it affected her well into adulthood.

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Estate. You'll be hearing more from me when I fill in for Matt as he crosses the country talking to Canadians about the election. I hope you tune in, and please enjoy the current podcast. As Rachel Phan tells it, she was only three years old when she met her replacement. But it wasn't another sibling, it was the family restaurant in Kingsville, Ontario. Her parents had rented a red brick building on Main Street and set about to turn it into the Mei Mei Inn, one of two Chinese restaurants in town at the time. After immigrating to Canada and working long hours and low wage jobs, this was a chance for the fans to take control of their own

destiny. But for Rachel, becoming a restaurant kid meant figuring out how to stay out of the way and not cause any trouble. And the experience affected her well into adulthood. She's written all about it in her new memoir called Restaurant Kid. Rachel joins me in studio, good morning. Good morning, thank you for having me. Well, it's great to have you here.

And the moment of your parents getting that restaurant Good morning. Good morning. Thank you for having me. Well, it's great to have you here. The moment of your parents getting that restaurant is a moment of accomplishment for them, but also a life that they had in Canada was already a struggle. Why was it important for them to open this restaurant? Yeah, so my parents landed in Canada February 1981. So it was their first time seeing snow. They landed and they were like, what is all of this? It's all white, it's cold. And from there, it was just day after day of picking up jobs that no one else seemed to want. So my mom worked at the mushroom farm,

sorting through manure covered fungi and cutting them up. And my dad originally started out in a greenhouse picking beans and doing all the backbreaking farm work. And then he eventually met another Chinese person that wasn't related to him and he thought, oh my goodness, who is this? Introduced himself and that man ended up saying, hey, do you want to work in my kitchen? I have a Chinese restaurant.

So my dad, who had never cooked before, was like, okay, and went through a trial by fire learning all these very foreign dishes to him, like chicken balls and chop suey. And he worked in that kitchen for 10 years. And on the side, he, like during the springtime, he picked up nightly shifts trawling for worms to sell it as fishing bait, just to cobble together enough money to support our families. So it was a struggle. So when this opportunity came, he met a man who was a landlord and, um, had a building in Kingsville and he said, Hey, would you be interested in starting

your own Chinese restaurant? And for my dad, he just jumped at the chance because it would be an opportunity to have his own business, which was like a dream he could have never imagined growing up during wartime Vietnam. And a chance for him to actually provide for his family and to be his own boss. It was such an attractive prospect for him. Many, many years ago, I went across the country in Winnebago covering a federal election. And one thing I began to notice is in every town, big and small, there was a Chinese restaurant.

And I went in to meet some of the people there because with every Chinese restaurant, there was a story, an incredible story, as was in your case. What were your early memories and feelings about that restaurant and the place it took in your family? It was interesting for me. I was three when we opened to the restaurant, and I went from hardly ever seeing my parents, you know, my dad worked all day in the restaurant, and then at night, he was, you know, in the dirt looking for worms. So like, I, all of a sudden, I was just amazed, like, oh, mom and dad are around all the time. And I, I was so excited.

And then I quickly realized, oh, they're right there at the walks, but they're not there. Like, they're so far for me. I always felt such a disconnect from them. And I learned very early on that I had a role to play. You know, my siblings were 12 and 10. So they were of an age where they could start working. And they were, you know, my sister was working the cash and making drinks. Making drinks, I love that. She's dishing out, slinging out cocktails at 12 years old. Yeah, and getting complaints and she was like, what do I know about making alcoholic drinks? You know, we didn't have Smart Serve back then. My brother was in the back cutting chicken and

taking out the garbage and my role, because I was so young, was just stay out of the way. You don't want anyone to yell at you, so just kind of blend into the walls and be a good girl. And you have a great line. You said, when you're a restaurant kid, you're never really alone, even though you always feel a little lonely. How did you cope with that feeling? I think just clinging to the little moments I could.

So if a waitress wasn't busy and was folding napkins, joining her just to get little pieces of attention or being a bit of a ham when people came up to pay their bills, talking to customers. So learning to just take the scraps and convincing myself that that was enough. But there was a little resentment that starts to seep in because of all the time. It's not just your parents, but your siblings as well. They were consumed by that restaurant.

Yeah, I felt a lot of resentment, and I couldn't understand it at the time being a young child, but it did feel like abandonment in many ways. And I think there was one scene I write about in the book where I'm upstairs in the apartment and I'm starving and I just didn't understand why my parents were so busy cooking food for everyone else. And I called down to the restaurant and I said, Mom, I'm so hungry, I want food. And she said, she essentially hung up on me because it was so busy.

I don't have time for this. Yeah, when there are orders, it's such a high stress environment in the kitchen, so the last thing you want is like a five-year-old just calling nonstop. So for me, I just didn't understand. I wanted their attention and I didn't know how to ask for it without causing grief to my parents. So yeah, it was very strange and not being able to process it as a very young child. And there was more than, I mean, you're learning how to process this relationship

with the restaurant, this relationship with your parents, and also the relationship of living in small town Canada, where you, we believe all about the diversity of Canada. Well, not so much if you're living in small town Ontario, and that was the case. So when did you start to look around town and realize, I'm different from everyone else here? Yeah, it was actually brought to my attention first.

So my first friend that I made, one of the first questions she asked me was, why do you look like that? And she made the gesture that I'm sure we're all familiar with where she pulled back her eyes. And at the time I didn't, I had never heard that before. So I just said plainly like, oh, I'm Chinese. But yeah, going into like, if you look at my kindergarten photos, I'm the only racialized person in my class. And it wasn't until I started getting older and I started getting comments from other people

and like little things that you don't really think about. So as kids, we roleplay a lot. So at the time, Power Rangers were really big and like the Spice Girls ended up really big and I remember whenever we would play, I was like, oh, I guess I should be the yellow Power Ranger, but no one else wants to be the yellow Power Ranger, why not? Or if we're playing Spice Girls, everyone's assigning me scary Spice, why is that? So little moments like that,

when even though I wanted to be Kimberly so bad and I wanted to be Posh Spice or Baby Spice, no one, everyone was like, no, you can't be that. So little innocuous, seemingly innocuous moments like that. Or like telling people that you were into Kung Fu, like you were some expert because that was expected of you, of course. Oh yeah, people like this was like when Jackie Chan was big and we were seeing like Jet Li movies and yeah, there was this assumption, like a no brainer like, oh, Rachel, you know, Kung Fu, right? And I immediately jumped on it, like,

oh, this is something that people expect from me and that they think is cool. And I had never done any kind of martial arts in my life. But because they looked at me like it was a cool thing, I said, yes, of course. I came out of my mother's womb doing kung fu. And there was one moment where in grade six, because it was the turn of the Millennium

It was 2000 and we were assigned the task of writing a letter to ourselves that our sixth grade teacher would send to us like ten years later and Even in that letter knowing that I was the only person who would ever read it I said my favorite hobby is to do karate, which I've done since I was like young. And that's a total lie, but I still told it to myself because I felt like I had to convince myself that this was the proper way to be Chinese. It is that whole process of othering that happens to the children of immigrants.

I mean, it's a story heard right across this country. The other one too, which I think is a universal story in Canada, which is the lunch story, which is showing up with a different lunch from what all the white kids are eating. And so what was your experience like there? I mean, you're probably getting some of the best lunch anywhere, but maybe you didn't see it that way.

Yeah, as an adult, I just want to shake little Rachel, even though I understand, of course, because like that was such good food. But yeah, I remember very vividly in the fourth grade, I would bring these like super savory noodles that my mom made and my dad's black bean spare ribs and like stir-fried morning glory, which most kids were like, what is that? And I noticed pretty quickly that no one else seemed to need the microwave, they had their little sandwich baggies, and as soon as I heated up my food, you know, you

start noticing the wrinkled noses, the craning necks. People are just like, what is that? And because it wasn't food that they necessarily were familiar with at the Chinese restaurant, they were extra, it was like extra unfamiliar to them. And there wasn't a level of embarrassment with this comes out in your book, with your relationship with the restaurants, that when you mentioned, you'd see some of your school teachers in there

and you hadn't embraced the restaurant yet. This was, it wasn't just the lunches that you were getting from there, there was this feeling like, I don't wanna be part of this. And how did that mark you growing up as being one of the only racialized kids and being so closely connected to this restaurant?

Yeah, it was always a point of stress for me and my siblings, because if someone we knew came into the restaurant, we were just clenched on edge, because what if mom and dad started yelling? What if the food- Which they did. Yeah, they did a lot. And I think my sister, when I interviewed her last year for the book,

she had made a comment, she said no one else's family was out on display ready for critique, like ours was. So that was really always stressful for young kids. Like, oh God, if they hear mom and dad screaming or if like, God forbid, like the food doesn't, isn't right or it's slow coming out. It was just, yeah, being out for judgment. That was really stressful. There's no limit to how far criminals will go to cover their tracks. But investigators will go even further to uncover the truth.

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And tell us about that because you got them actually outside of the restaurant. Yeah, so for context, it was so hard to ever see my parents. And it's been hard to see my parents outside of the restaurant because they work every day, even on their days off, they're preparing for the days that they're going to be open. So, and like we never took family vacations, things like doctor's appointments, I took

myself. Like I would walk to the dentist by myself because my parents were too busy working. So yeah, when I was in my teens, like many other teens, it was a challenging, angsty time for me and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. And in my later teens, just also really struggling with, I don't think teens ever know who they are, but it was especially challenging for me as someone who always felt both too Chinese and too Canadian or not Canadian enough and not Chinese enough. So never really having that fixed identity. And it just made for a very toxic soup of anxiety and depression.

And at one point in my teens, I was hospitalized with that depression. And I thought, okay, while I'm here, I'm 45 minutes, I'm in Windsor, that's 45 minutes from where my parents live and have the restaurant. So I thought, okay, I'm just going to be here. I'm not going to see them for a few, for a week or however long I was there. And they surprised me without fail every single day at visiting hours in the middle of, you know, the busiest time at the restaurant, they were there. They had driven the 45 minutes from Leamington to see me to make sure I wasn't alone.

And even though we didn't have the words, we didn't talk about my diagnosis. We didn't talk about my mental health struggles, but that they were there, very Chinese, they asked me what I was eating and whether I was eating enough, and they spent the hour with me and then drove the 45 minutes back. So that was the moment where I thought,

hmm, maybe I don't come in second place to the restaurant, maybe I am a priority. Definitely. And as you start to develop your own relationships, what I liked is, you're meeting guys, typical white Canadian guys, and what you realized there was their attitude towards your parents' cooking mattered to you.

And it was an extension, if I'm reading this correctly, of how they felt about you, was how they felt about your parents' food. Yeah, so I, because my parents put everything, like they pour all of themselves into their meals and their jobs, how could they not? So if I ever had friends over or crushes back in the day or my first boyfriend, I was always just like,

I couldn't even eat myself. I would just be obsessively watching them, making sure that they liked everything. Essentially the restaurant is such an essential part of our identities. So in a rejection of the food or the restaurant for me was, you know, like that would be a rejection of, of our family.

Yeah, it was always stressful. And I don't know if you want me to talk about my specifics about my ex-boyfriend, but. Well, you do quite liberally in the book. I do, I do. I changed his name, it's fine. Yeah, so it was my first boyfriend. So I was so excited to bring him home. And I just remember obsessively observing him, like as he took in our customers, as he took in, he was a germaphobe, so like him looking at the deep fryer and the deep fryers are never clean, you know, like there's lard everywhere. Yeah. And then just being so worried,

like, what does he think? What does he think? But the one thing that I was so sure about was our food's delicious. He's going to love it. Because we cook Canadian Chinese food at the restaurant, but as a family, every night my parents make a separate dinner for us, not that cuisine, you know, food that they grew up eating. Real Chinese food. Yeah. And I noticed from the get go, my parents would make dinner and he was just so not interested in eating that food. He said, can't I eat like, su-gai or something? So I was like, deep fried chicken covered in gravy. He's like, can't I have chicken balls or sugai? And so he made my parents make a second separate meal

just for him because he didn't want to eat the food that we ate, which frustrated me because, you know, my parents just worked all day. The last thing they need is to make a separate dinner for you. And I think one of the most painful, you know, knife to the gut moments was when he said, we had been dating for about four years at this point, where he said, you know, Rachel, when we have kids, I wouldn't feel comfortable with them eating food your parents make.

And I thought from that moment, I was, oh, this is, then, you know, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't stay with this person, but we haven't touched on it. But I had grown up in an environment where I felt like I had to earn people's love or I didn't feel worthy of it. And I think a lot of it stems from growing up feeling like I wasn't entitled to my parents' attention. Right.

Yeah. And spoiler alert, you didn't stay with him. I did not. And this has a happy ending and you fell in love with a guy who loves your parents' cooking. But what's amazing and it comes together as you grow older, because you want to learn about your parents' past. They were ethnically Chinese, but they had grown up in Vietnam and been forced to flee during the Vietnam War. So how much did you actually know about your parents' past before you

went to Vietnam with them? Not a lot, honestly. So we grew up, my dad is a bit of a showboat. He didn't, doesn't, growing up he was like the stereotypical stoic Asian dad who didn't have a lot of words, but the words he like said, he just loves telling stories. So we grew up hearing how easy we had it compared to him. So he was always saying, when I was nine years old, I had to walk two hours just to get to school. And as children do, we just roll our eyes and we're like, yeah, yeah, dad's going off again.

And we just ignored him, essentially. So I'm sure he told us many times different tidbits from his life, but we just didn't have, I always say we just didn't have the ears to hear it. And also a lot of it's painful. A lot of it is hearing about living during a time of war, being starved as children, being fearful of your life. So as children and even as young adults, you just kind of shut that out. And like my mom never talked about her time in Vietnam,

I think just as a trauma response. So we actually knew very little. Until you were in Vietnam itself on a family trip, which was such a turning point in the book, because it wasn't just how it changed how you saw your parents, but it was like reminding your parents, you know, how they saw each other outside of that restaurant. And there was a great line in there

where you described the restaurant as being a thief. And it had taken something from your parents and their own relationship. But all of that was rekindled when you went back to Vietnam. And it's really beautiful. And what did you see when you looked at your parents, these people you know in all your life, they seemed like they were new people in your eyes. Yeah, so I think often about how for most of my life,

the only adjective I had to describe my parents was hardworking. I just didn't know who they were as people. Like I didn't know, like they were always just busy restaurateurs. And I remember at one point as a young adult when I was in therapy and my therapist asked me, how would you describe your parents and I just blanked.

I had no idea, no adjectives for them. So it wasn't until Vietnam where I all of a sudden I was overflowing with adjectives. I was like my dad's goofy and my mom is curious and they're adventurous. They want to walk through caves with us and yeah they were just so fun and loving and chatty. I just had no idea that these people were there all this time because in the restaurant, we grew up watching our parents fighting all the time. It's such a high stress environment. Removing them from the back kitchen and seeing them actually being free to have fun and try

new things. Like my dad randomly said, I've never been to a spa, let's all get pedicures as a family. So it was just amazing seeing them just like let loose and you know they were holding hands crossing the very busy street in Ho Chi Minh City and you know when we're on the back of a motorbike and wearing helmets, dad calling out at a stop sign to my mom like, you look beautiful. So all these like little moments of just tenderness that I couldn't have fathomed as a child, seeing them throw chicken balls

and swearing at each other in the kitchen. But it gave you an understanding, I guess, about also the sacrifices they had made for their kids, for you and your siblings. Like, how much that had come out of them to provide for you. And that is the role of that restaurant, And that is the role of that restaurant. And that is the role of that Canadian dream and how much they gave up for you.

And you ask in the book, like, what do we owe our parents? Oh, I keep saying this is the question that haunts me because- Why does it haunt you? Because for me, knowing that my parents have worked themselves to the bone and had left behind everything they knew, their country, their culture, their language, to make good on the promise that they would give their kids a better life, and seeing all the sacrifices, the impacts on their bodies, that they have so much arthritis, and that one of the most tragic things is that they work so hard for a life that they

haven't been able to enjoy themselves. So the answer to that for me is how can I not owe them everything? But what haunts me about it is I don't know what that looks like in practice. We were talking, we're actually saying the R word now, we're saying retirement and trying to figure out, oh, savings, how does it look, are you going to live with me? And the expectation for them is, well, you're going to take care of me. So for me, it's very stressful because that's a heavy burden. And then I end up feeling guilty because I think about all the burdens they've held and

carried for our family. So yeah, it's very many conflicted emotions that I have about that. You talk about your parents' relationship with with each other your relationship with them your relationship for your siblings. It's all out there It's like it's like a buffet. It's all it's all out there How do they feel now that this book is out about having that put on put on display? Yeah, so that was one of the challenges of, that's always a challenge writing memoir, is that yes, it is my story, but it's also theirs. So I needed to find a balance between being honest,

but also being compassionate and fair. Yeah, I think they've just been so supportive this entire time. So when my dad found out that I wanted to be a writer, the first thing he said to me was, Rachel, it's my dream for you to share the story of our family. So when I got the book deal, I was just super excited.

I was like, Dad, it's gonna happen. I'm going to share our family story. And the way they responded, it actually kind of surprised me is that they were open with me. We had multiple interview sessions. I had interviews with each and every person in my family. And not once did anyone say, no, I don't feel comfortable saying that. Like, why do you need to know that? And I realized that was another way

that my family shows love for me is that they let me in. And I let them know, these are the painful things I'll be talking about, are you comfortable with that? And they said, it's your story, like, we trust you. And I hope and I think I do strike the right balance. I show all of us as deeply flawed people, but also human. And I have a lot of compassion for all of us. And it is your story, but as I mentioned, there are themes in it that are quite a universal story for, I think, for a lot of Canadian families and Canadian kids growing up here. What do you hope people will take away from all backgrounds, from your family's story? I think an acknowledgement and appreciation for the people and the families who are such a core part of the fabric of our Canadian society,

you know, the ones running these small businesses. It doesn't have to be a restaurant. It could be a laundromat, convenience store, grocery store. There's so much hard work and love that goes on behind the scenes that I think a lot of people just overlook or and haven't taken the time to think about. So I hope we have an appreciation next time you order take out and you pick it up, just have a have a thought for the families behind the scenes who are doing everything they can to to make it work. And also just thinking about, yeah, I know we touched on it earlier about how, you know, as Canadians, we do pride ourselves on diversity being our strength, but that for many pockets and communities across our country, that's not the case. So I think also having just being aware

of the reality for a lot of children of immigrants and racialized people across the country of what life is like for them. I think often Canadians are a little smug about how polite and nice and welcoming we are, but yeah, I think people might be surprised by the reality actually. I can't imagine how proud your parents are once they read that book. It's a great read, Rachel, and a great conversation. Thanks so much for your time. Thank you so much for having me. Rachel Phan's new book is called Restaurant Kid, a Memoir of Family and Belonging.