The Daily Show: Ears Edition - 50 Shades of Graham: The Lindsey Graham Files

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Desi Lydic narrates The Daily Showography of South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, a man married to the game. Trevor sits down with Lindsey Graham, who wanted anyone but Trump to win the 2016 election. Flash forward to the 2020 election where Graham backed Trump's claims of voter fraud. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart technology. Sip Recruiters' smart technology identifies to the talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner.

Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. Survivor 47 is here which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks Jeff. So excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player

for season 47th. Listen to on fire the officialor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Some people marry for love. Some people marry for stability. And some people never marry at all. Well I'm the first

bachelor run for president and like forever you know I'm not married. The last time I checked there was nothing in the Constitution or at the White House said single people need not apply. Yes how could a person marry when he's hopelessly devoted to the greatest love of his life. Political Power. This is the daily showography of Lindsay Graham, married to the game. Lindsay Olin Graham grew up in the tiny town of Central South Carolina. His parents owned a restaurant that was also a pool hall, that was also a bar and a liquor store that was also the home they lived in. It could basically be whatever people wanted it to be, the perfect environment for raising

a politician. At the age of nine, Lindsay started working at the family bar, one of his jobs, taking phone calls from concerned wives looking for their drunk husbands. It taught him a valuable lesson that it's okay to lie if you're protecting the interests of powerful men. Young Lindsay also saw firsthand the ugly reality of segregation in the South, in that his parents bar participated in it. When I was a kid, African-Americans would come in and buy the beer to go. And I remember asking my parents, why was that? And they said, that's just the way it is. That was another lesson. When you see injustice anywhere at any time, you can just say, th, th say, th say, th say, th say th say th say th say th say th say th say th say th say th say th say they said that's just the way it is. That was another lesson. When you see injustice anywhere at any time you can just say whatever and move along. Then in his teenage years like most boys his age Lindsay developed strange

new urges in uncontrollable lust for political power. Classmates remember him saying I want to be governor, and also, let me out of this locker. After becoming the first in his family to graduate college, Graham joined the Armed Forces, where he would serve six and a half years in the Air Force, as a lawyer. In a lot of ways, Graham charted a path similar to American icon Tom Cruz. Bartender, lawyer, member of the Air Force, but as a lawyer.

And all with the grace and style of a southern vampire. And of course, he's secretly very short. During his time in the Air Force, Graham fell into a love affair with a Lufthansa flight attendant named Sylvia. But sadly, it was not to be. That was probably the best time in my life, but you know, at the end of the day, everybody's got a story.

A lot of people have had it worse than I have, but check it out at Lindsay Graham. It's true what they say about heartbreak. You can check it out at Lindsay Graham.com. And although breakups are never easy, it gave Graham the opportunity to rekindle his passion with an old flame. Ambition. In 1994, Graham was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. And like most relationships, his early years with Congress were absolutely consumed with sex, specifically the sex life with Bill Clinton. I'm having to judge Bill Clinton based on evidence and much of it is about sex. The definition of sex colored by sex.

Sex, sex, sex, sexual sex, sex, sexual sex, sex, sex. This is not all about sex, oral sex. Lindsay Graham was horny for justice. No adulterous president was going to lie and abuse their power on his watch, at least for another few years. The fledgling Graham made a name for himself, prosecuting the impeachment of President Clinton. And after eight hot and heavy years in the house, he was finally ready to settle down for a long-term commitment,

with the U.S. Senate. And no wedding would be complete without the best man. Graham and Senator John McCain were the best of friends, united by their shared love of fiscal conservatism, straight talk, and a desire to bomb the Middle East back to the Stone Age. I believe those who are calling for withdrawal have the obligation to tell us what we do in the region when it descends into chaos, as my friend Lindsay Graham just said. Well, I think Senator McCain nailed it. Oh, they went searching for WMDs, but they found their BFF.

With Iraq solved permanently, Graham and his political spouse were finally ready to co-assend to the most powerful office in the land. But when they were foiled by an the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their thoom. their theaseaseasehouseasehouseaseaosheaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqaqqqqqqqqqqqqq. their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toa.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. co-ascend to the most powerful office in the land. But when they were foiled by an even more radical Hussein, Graham became despondent. He knew that he would treat power so much better than that Cadd Obama. So he made his move. I'm Lindsay Graham and I'm running for president of the United States. Yes, Lindsay Graham was single and ready to mingle. With voters, he turned the White House into his bachelor pad. First thing I'm going to do his president. We're going to drink more. And the media was fascinated with his roguish lifestyle.

So it's date, marry, or make disappear forever. Hillary Clinton, Carly Fiorina, or Sarah Perry. Who are you marrying? Carly because she's rich. Hell yeah, Playa, secure that bag. Graham's goal was in sight. His marriage to the game was thriving. But if there's one man who knows how to ruin a marriage, it's Donald Trump.

This guy, Lindsay Graham, he's one of the dumbest human beings I've ever seen. The guy is a nut job. I could push him over with a little dimble. Boom. He called me four years ago, three, four years ago. And he gave me his number. And I found the card. I wrote the number down. I don't know if it's the right number. Let's two-two-two-eight did something he never does, give out factual information.

Graham's presidential hopes were demolished. Watching his beloved walk away with a much richer, more famous man, he had only one option left, to warn the nation about the dysfunctional relationship it was about to get itself into. He's a race-bating, xenophobic, religious big. Donald Trump is a political car rep. He's a race baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot. Donald Trump is a political car rep. He's a jackass. You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell. I think he's a cuck. I think he's crazy. I think he's unfit for office. Yes. Graham saw that Donald Trump was as unfit for office as he was for a book club, a dance-off, an obstacle course, tennis shorts, or literally anything he did in his life.

Graham did everything he could to stop the wedding between Donald Trump and America. But if he couldn't ultimately succeed, then God damn it, he would give up harder than anyone had ever given up before. President Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize and then some. What concerns me about the American press is this endless, endless attempt to label the guy as some kind of cuck, not fit to be president. No, I don't think he's a xenophobic race-bating religious big. I really, really like the president, and he's been a great commander-in-chief.

I am all in, keep it up, Donald, I'm sure you're watching. If you don't like me working with President Trump to make the world a better place, I don't give a shit. Graham's political instincts had kicked in. If staying in the game meant joining a grifter personality call, well, that was just another thing he'd have in common with Tom Cruise. Why did Lindsay Graham? Because he's Lindsay Graham. That's what he does. I know how the game's played, I don't give a damn. Yes, Graham wasn't off

the Trump train. It was more like one of those tourist buses that you can get off and then get back on whenever it's convenient for you. Which is why the one thing we know is that whatever the future holds, Lindsay Graham will be there, always doing the most politically expedient thing to serve himself. Always married to the game. Life is what it is. You know, I can't answer all the mysteries of life, but I feel good about Lindsay Graham. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter.

Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, Zip Recruiters' powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use Zip Recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack, and th, and th, th, th, and th, th, th, and th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, th, the, the, th, th, th, the, th, th, th, the, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to to to to, to to to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, triuuuuuui.. tri-s, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip, tip,'re looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter. the exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter. the smartest way to hire. John Stewart here. My new podcast, The Weekly Show, we're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches.

Listen to the weekly show with John senator, a senior senator from South Carolina. Please welcome, Senator Lindsey Graham. Thank you for being here. Oh, Senator Lindsey Graham. Yeah, good as it gets. Yeah, good as it gets. Oh, Senator Lindsay Graham. Yeah, good as it gets.

Which is kind of sad, really? Wait. What's as good as it gets? You or the show? What are you saying? What's it's like a phrase? Is that just a phrase you say? No, this is just something that's an observation more than anything else. How you doing? I'm doing great. Thank you very much for being on the show. Absolutely. Thanks. Let's get straight into it. Let's cut to the chase. Cut to the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the chase. the the the phrase. the phrase. the chase. the chase. the phrase. the phrase. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. Is. the. the. the the the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the chase. Let's cut to the chase. Yes. You have officially endorsed Ted Cruz. I'm on the TED train, absolutely. It's not the like. Okay, which is a very interesting train for you to be aboard. Well, I started with 17 cars, I'm down to three.

Well, you were actually one of the cars, which is weird. Yeah, that didn't last very long. You were an empty car and then you got on the train now, which is a weird thing to happen. Got blown away by the gun. This is why this is so interesting to have you here, because if we can play this. Well, Ted was my 15 choice. If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate. Nobody can convict you. So, it's safe to say that you are slash word slash are not a fan of Ted Cruz. It tells you everything you need to know about Donald Trump. Yeah, but I don't understand this. You really, really, really, really don't like, you don't like Ted Cruz.

I don't dislike Ted. Ted and I have a lot of differences. I'm getting better at this. So, uh. Ha ha ha ha ha. You don't have to feel like you guys are like a buddy club. What can I say? One, he's not completely crazy. Good. He's really a Republican.

So partially crazy. Hey, that works in Washington. You got Bernie. Okay, okay. Not fully crazy. Yeah, that's a tick. What else is it take for him? What turns you on about Cruz? That he's not Trump. That's it. That's all you leave? And that he's a Republican, he will not, we will not get completely killed. And if Donald Trump cares the banner of my party, I think it taints conservatism for generations to come. I think his campaign is opportunistic, race-baiting, religious, bigotry, xenophobia. Other than that, he'd be a good nominee. Here's a question I have for you, though. Here's a question I have. So, and we're about to lose most the finest woman in America, he'll explain.

Here's the thing. If you say, if you say Donald Trump is not a Republican, why does it seem like the Republican base fits him like a glove, what's going on? Do the voters not know that this, or have you maybe given them the impression that maybe this is a party that supports xenophobia and bigotry and all of those things you listed, is that possible? It's possible that some do, absolutely. 35% of my party believes that Obama's a Muslim born in Kenya. He's locked that crowd down. Now 65% of us just think he's a bad president. Oh. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi's thi, thi, thi's thi's thi's is thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th, th, th is is is th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th is th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. thi. thi. Now 65% of us just think he's a bad president. Oh, I... There was a joke there, but then you guys were not on his side at all.

You guys were not on... I don't get paid to do this. You should have done it the other way around because it made it... I hear what you're saying, so you're saying, no, no, no, but you're saying, I understand that you're saying the the the the the the the the thi I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. You're th. You're saying, I th. You're saying, I th. th. thi. thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm that, I'm thi, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, th. th. thi, th. the. th. the. the. the. thea. the. the. the. the. the. the. th that train. So you're saying, no, no, no, but you're saying, I understand that you're saying that there are some people in the party who do not have the correct views. Am I a citizen? No, I'm not. I'm not. Why, why? Do you have a green card?

I do not. I do not. I throw. . . Is....................................................................................................................... to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to................................................................................................................................... I. I. I. Black liberal guys from Africa is not going to work with him. You have the look of terror in your eyes. If you were sitting as close as I, this was fascinating, because you're literally like, we're all going to die.

We're all going to die. We're all going to die. You're like, you know what do you look like right now? Have you ever seen those those those those one guy, then he's just got like a shotgun and he's running down the street, he's like, the end is near! The end is near! It's funny you say, okay, you say, I'm in that movie. You say tap cruise over Donald Trump.

But then here's another clip, and he has another clip. Who do you prefer a Cruz nomination or Trump? It's like being shot or poison. What does it really matter? that? Lindsay Graham, I don't understand. I don't understand. If it is like being, okay, first of all, who is shooting and who's poisoning between Trump and Cruz? Well, Donald is like being shot in the head. You might find an antidote to poisoning.

I don't know, but maybe there's time. But is, I don't understand, are you saying, wait, are you saying, are you saying, are you are you, my party's completely screwed up. But then why would you, why would you nominate, why would you nominate anyone then? Why don't, why no, why no, why no, why no? Why don't nominate anybody Kaysick? Well, if they're left up to me, we would nominate anybody, would start all over again. But, you know, this is up. It's called Democracy. Welcome to America. I feel so much pain.

I'm going to change my name to Vodaymoc, Vote Face Graham. And that's it. That helps. Send it Lindsay Graham, everybody. Thank you so much. We'll be right back. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter's smart Zip recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly.

Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology starts showing you qualified people for it. And you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the tape.. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tap. tap. tap. tap. tape. tape. tape. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. tap. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. tape. tape. tape. tape. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.s.s.s. tape. tape. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, zip recruiter.com slash zip. Zip recruiter, the smartest way to hire. Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you the the the th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to you you to you to you to the you the you the you the the th you th you the th you th th you the the the the the the the the the. theoom. theter thoom- thoom- thoom- the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the theateate. theateateateate. the the the the the the the the the theateateate. the smartest way to hire. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls.

What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. It has been four days since the presidential election was called for Joe Biden. But Donald Trump has still not conceded, which I get. I mean, he wants to cling onto power as long as he can.

And also, golfing isn't as much fun when you're not missing work to do it. And if it was just Trump's personal delusion that he won the election, it might not matter so much. But he's got a lot of people who are right there with him. Falling in line, key Republicans get behind President Trump and his claims without evidence of widespread voter fraud. The president has every right to look into allegations and to request recounts under the law. I'm going to stand with the president Trump.

If a Democrat were doing this, it'd be cheered on, we're not going to let the media intimidate us. The Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo just told reporters that he basically does not trust the election results either. There will be a smooth transition to a second Trump administration. O'nighed Attorney General William Barr and a Justice Department memo, authorizing U.S.A.S.A.Tahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahed to pursue substantial allegations of voting irregularities if they find them. Oh, mega fans rejoice! Because Bill Barr is on the case.

Yes! The same Bill Barr who investigated Obama and found nothing with the same Department of Justice that investigated Hillary and found nothing. So if you look in to find nothing, you know the man to call. Oh, and it looks like Mitch McConnell and Lindsay Graham are also partnering with Trump to undermine the election, which is a terrible idea. But I would love to see these three together in a heist movie. Okay, guys, you steal the votes and then I'll meet you at the Four Seasons Parking

Elect. Which Four Seasons? Ma, here we go again. Now look, I don't know if Donald Trump genuinely believes that he's the real winner of this election. I mean, keep in mind, he's also the person who actually thinks he looks good. Like, he does his hair in the morning and walks away from the mirror thinking, yeah, I nailed it. So, who knows what he thinks. But the truth of the matter is, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thin, thin, thin, theeeean, thuuuu. thi. thi. theean, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi he thinks? But the truth of the matter is, most other Republicans know that Joe Biden will be the next president.

And right now, they're just saying what Trump and his base want to hear. Not because they're worried about the vote that just happened, but because of the one that's around the corner. Lindsay Graham this morning fested up as to one reason why they're standing behind him. They've got two Senate elections and special elections that will occur in January if Democrats win both, they will gain control of the Senate under the new president. Lindsay Graham said if we don't scrutinize these election results we could hurt our chances of riling up our base and turning them out in January. They're concerned that if they get sideways with the president either he won't help in Georgia with these two seats at stake, or Trump voters will be depressed and stay home. So again, they're playing this dangerous game

to keep people energized. Oh, yeah, that's dangerous. Trump is screaming made up shit that's weakening trust in American democracy. But Republicans are going along with it, so that they can squeeze out a few more seats in the Senate. It's like burning down your house just to make smores or dating Kevin Fedeline just so you can maybe meet Britney Spears. Is it worth it?

Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes any time on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Survivor 47 is here which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire and this season we are joined by fan favorite and survivor 46 runner

up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks Jeff, so excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast starting September 18th, wherever you get your podcast.