The Daily Show: Ears Edition - A Daily Show Christmas

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

The Daily Show presents a trailer for a heartwarming Christmas movie about an unlikely love connection between two people at a school board meeting. And sparks fly this holiday season when a mandatory ballot recount brings together the unlikely duo of a poll worker and a self-appointed election monitor. Plus, Santa's been borrowing money for toys for 70 years and now it's time to pay up. With kids asking for more expensive gifts, Santa (Kal Penn) and his elf (Ronny Chieng) need to find a way to pay back the bank in time to save Christmas. And, Ronny Chieng explores climate change’s impact on the holidays.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. She was a single mom, hoping for a Christmas miracle. Hi, do you have time for a charity that's... He was a regular Joe, hoping for a Christmas miracle. Hi, do you have time for a charity? He was a regular Joe, trying to do the right thing.

And this Christmas, they're going to find love in the most magical place. How dare you teach my child about critical race theory? You are ruining America! Ma'am! He's calm down. Don't tell me to calm down, you woke elitist. And why don't you take that mask off? Take it off and face me like a man.

Tear it off. And keep it off. And keep it off. Looks like Santa came early this year. Now this holiday, they'll both be learning CRT. Christmas Romance Theory. You know, oatmeal is more sustainable than almond milk. Oh, shut your cuck mouth and kiss me. But can two people who don't agree on history ever have a future? Does your sweater say happy holidays?

Yeah, it's more inclusive. You never understood me. Or Christmas! Oh man, we're never going to end up together now. This season, one man will have to put Christmas over reason. Since our last school board meeting, which was only this morning, you believe that so much has happened, I've learned that one thing is more important than teaching children about their own country's history. That one thing is love. So tonight, the school board is announcing that we are putting love back to their own country's history. That one thing is love.

So tonight, the school board is announcing that we are putting love back into the curriculum. What? And it will replace all the lessons about slavery. No, no, no. We're overruling that. No, he doesn't have the power to do that. And why does he have a gavel? This is a school board meeting.

Don't miss the movie event of the season. I got you this. To burn. Oh, Merry Christmas. Fascists. A school board Christmas. A school board Christmas. He was a poll worker doing his part in a local election. No matter who you voted for, democracy wins. Shut up.

She was a self-appointed election monitor. He's harvesting ballots. That's voter fraud. Ballet mule. Two thousand mules. Two thousand mules! Hey, I got one! I got one! But when a mandatory recount brought them together.

Hey, you can't take these votes! Like hell I can't! These are made of Chinese bamboo. You can't fool me. They belong here! Underneath this randomly both be learning how to steal. Each other's hearts. But how can two people share a life together when they can't share a democracy? Christmas town has a new mayor. It came down to one final ballot. And the final vote is for the Democrat. You. You rigged the election and ruined Christmas.

Honey, just because the Republican lost doesn't mean it was rigged. The only loss here is you, losing me. Oh man, this is really a low part in our story. When elections hopes are lost, sometimes all you need, is a Christmas miracle. Go ahead. Get ready, boys, we're going in. Get ready, boys. Get ready boys. Get ready boys. We're going in. Excuse me.

You got room for one more patriot with this insurrection? You brought zip ties. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it together. This holiday season, make sure you cast. A vote for love. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter.

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It's almost time for Santa's trip around the world. And if you've ever wondered how he makes all those toys, well, the Merry Christmas. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, Merry Christmas. Wait, why are you so skinny? Oh, ho, oh, oh, Santa's a big. Ha! today, Santa's got a revenge body. toys. Wait, hey, wha, theyce. Wait, waltz. theyce.

Yeah, listen, Santa, what happened all the toys? Yeah, listen, Santa, we have to talk. There are no toys. We don't have any money left for toys. Money? No, no, no, we make the toys. Get a whole little trains and dolls we build from wood and dreams and lead-based paint. This is the 1820s anymore, old man.

Okay? Kids want iPads and game consoles and Roblox, whatever the fuck that is. And we need to buy that shit, okay? You think I can hammer on PS 5 of this? What do you say? I'm saying this workshop is a ho-hoax.

We've been borrowing money for 70 years to buy real toys that kids want. And now the bank is demanding repayment. Well, how much do we owe? Oh, Jesus! Oh, holy shit! I'll have to sell my body. Okay, we don't have to go right to that. Okay. What if I kill myself for the insurance money?

No. Maybe. If you're going to do that, you might so sell sell your to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell to sell your to sell to sell to sell your to sell to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe payment toe payment toe payment their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their repay their repay their repay their repay their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toe.oo. Wea. toeatearning toeatearning toeatearning toeateatearning toe. Weauoeateateaueauaueaue. Wea. Wea. Wea. to that. Okay, okay. What if I kill myself for the insurance money? No, maybe. If you're gonna do that, you might as well sell your body and then kill yourself. That way you can get twice the minute. Jingle, jingle, Nicholas. It's the bank. Shit, it's the bank rep. I thought we have more time.

What does the bank know where we live? All the mail the mail the mail the mail the mail the mail the mail the mail th is wea, just stop and by to see where our fucking money is. It's coming, okay? It's coming. We just need a little more time. Oh, do you? Do you need a little more time? Yeah. Oh, wait! Hey! Don't hurt him! Okay, this is my fault. We just don't have the money. Oh, okay. No problem. No problem. That's what collateral is for. Repo the sle the slay the slay the slay the slay the slay the slay the slay the slay. the slay. the slay. the sli thine. thine. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to thi. thi. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. thoooooooooooooooooooooo. too. too. too. to to to to to to to to the money. We have the money. Oh, okay. No problem. That's what collateral's for. Repo the sleigh, turn this place into a cinnabot and sell the elves to Apple.

Listen, listen, Mrs. Bank, please. Think of the children. You're going to break their little hearts. Hey, what do we't do that! Come on! What about the Christmas spirit? Wait. What's this? It's a list of which gift each good boy and girl is going to get this Christmas. Do you realize the insider trading we could do with this thing?

Is that like super illegal? Oh, like they would ever arrest a finance executive. How about this? You give me this list and I give you more time to get our money. Okay, deal. And so, Santa and his merry elf chopped up the body of the banking executive and fed it to the rainbaugh. And Christmas was saved. Until next year. But that's next year's problem. Merry Christmas to one and all. It's officially the holiday season. A time for family, togetherness, and cocktails with eggs for some reason. But you better enjoy it while it lasts.

Ronnie Chang tells us why in another installment of Everything is stupid. It's stupid. Oh, it's Christmas again. It's just another excuse for you people to send me stupid pictures of your family. Oh, great, another baby dressed as an elf? Wow, thanks for the reminder to get a vasectomy. But now, thanks to all these stupid world leaders not giving a shit about climate change. Everything you love about Christmas, everything you love about Christmas, the reminder to get a vasectomy. But now, thanks to all these stupid world leaders not giving us shit about climate change, everything you love about Christmas is gonna disappear, starting with Christmas trees. This year, your Christmas tree could wind up costing you more

than you've spent in the past. At this farm outside Los Angeles, the average tree costs around 100 bucks. Nationwide, a fresh-cut Christmas tree tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, too, too, too, too, tooomb, tooomb, tooomb, tooomb, toe, toe, and toe, and toe, and toe, and toe, and toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, toe, th, thi.i.. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiii. thiiiiiiiiiiii.e.e.e.e. thiiiiiiii.e, thi. thi. wide, a fresh-cut Christmas tree now averages $76, double what it cost in 2008. Blame it on climate change. Rising temperatures, wildfires, and drought have all made farming more challenging. Yeah, that's right. Climate change is taking away Christmas trees. By 2050, they're going to be so expensive that the tree will be the present. Okay? How are you going to trick kids into behaving that way? Listen, you better be good all year or you're not going to get a Douglas fir for Christmas.

Why do people want Christmas trees in their house anyway? All they do is shed pine needles all over the floor. If that it's not just trees that are going away. Climate change is going to kill Santa's transportation too. In our Eye on Earth series, we'll take you to Santa's hometown in the North Pole where climate change is threatening the reindeer population. The reindeer feed, even through the winter, a mossy plant they dig down through the snow to get at, except when all that

thawing and refreezing means they can't. And when the snow turns to ice, what happens to the rain day? We have to feed them. You know things are bad when your entire species depends on a guy in a weird hat, okay? I mean, what if you oversleeps one day? He'll be like, oh shit, my alarm didn't go off. Now I need to dig a mass reindeer grave.

And this is a big problem, okay? Because without reindeer, how is Santa going to get around? He's going to have to hitchhike around the world. Trading rights for hand jobs, okay? But guess what? The climate crisis is coming for our New Year's drinks too. Another popular consumer item that's expected to get a lot more expensive, Proseco. Climate Change is doing a number on the grapes that make the sparkling wine.

Paolo Tomicella says extreme weather is posing new challenges at his vineyard. Climate change is a big problem. When it's hot, when it's raining, it rain very much. Proseco, he explained, should have low alcohol and high acidity. But high temperatures and earlier ripening produce the opposite effect. That's right, thanks to climate change, Proseco is going to cost more and taste worse. Although, to be fair, if you cared about taste, you wouldn't be drinking Proseco, okay, you peasants.

Proseco is just champagne that dropped out of high school. You know what, my holiday drinker choice is? It's good old-fashioned rubbing alcohol. That's right, sure, it'll make you go blind, but that's when the party really starts. So, happy new, everyone. Spo, the 2020 is gonna be worse. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast.