The Daily Show: Ears Edition - A Look Back at 2021 - The Year in Exits

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Dulcé Sloan highlights the many exits that took place in 2021, including the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan, billionaire space flights and Donald Trump's ban from social media. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hello, friends. 2020 one was a lot of things, but more than anything, it was the year of exits. Everyone was exited something. People were exiting their jobs. Deante Wilder, exited consciousness. Even Bill Cosby got out of jail. And that was an exit that nobody wanted.

And you might have thought the most expensive exit of the year was Bill and Melinda Gates' divorce. But you're forgetting a much bigger separation that costs more money than Microsoft Boy could ever dream of. After nearly 20 years, the last U.S. troops have left Bogram Air Base in Afghanistan. Obviously, the end of a chapter for America's forever war. The total cost they've estimated is $2.261 trillion. Damn! $2.61 trillion?

Ah! I hope America paid for that on a credit card, because those points will come in handy when we're booking flights to the next country we invade. Does Iran take Chase, Sapphire? I guess we'll find out. But yes, after 20 long years, the US finally left Afghanistan. And you know it's really over because America didn't even accidentally leave a toothbrush behind so we'd have an excuse to go back.

Whoops, silly me. But maybe while I'm over we can try some nation building again. And while no breakup it's ever easy, this one was handled especially poorly. Although not as poorly as my last breakup, you think Afghanistan was bad? You try telling me you want to see other people. You don't need to withdraw from my apartment. I'm throwing your ass out the window myself. Where was I? Oh, yes.

While our troops were exiting Afghanistan, some of the richest Americans couldn't wait to exit America. And they were going to the normal rich people places like Monaco or Fiji or Jeffrey Epstein's Island. No, they were exiting the Earth's atmosphere. Billionaires in space. Richard Branson, going where no billionaire has gone before. 24 hours from now, Jeff Bezos will be launching to the heavens. SpaceSix Senior Director said the company actually saw an increase in increase from people who wanted to buy a private spacecraft. So clearly there are a lot of rich people out there much richer than the rest of us.

Well, first of all, this is relatable. After a year of lockdown, I was ready to blast in a space too. And these billionaires don't even live next to an apartment with a poodle yapping all damn day. Just poop in the house, Mr. Sprinkles. Nobody cares. Your owners is nasty anyway. Still, can't get these rich dudes to calm down? I guess for these guys, you're not rich unless everyone knows you're rich. Humans, Martians, Cleons, them worms from doom, whatever the hell Chubaca is, everybody. Now what I don't understand is why their rockets keep going up and then landing back on

Earth again. If you're going to get the f-fee out, get the fuck out. You keep coming and going. Listen, Earth's going to start charging you a car of charge. And no, we're not giving you a risk ban either, you're going to have to pay a to their to their to pay a to pay a their to pay a their their their their to pay a their their their their risk, their risk, their risk, their risk, to pay, their risk, and every time you come back in. But not everyone's exit was voluntary. Take former President Donald Trump. No, I'm not talking about him getting kicked out of the White House. I'm talking about him getting kicked off of a place he cared about a lot more. Social media.

Well, they did it. Donald Trump has officially been kicked off Twitter. In the wake of Wednesday's siege right here at the Capitol. The social media sites have now toricicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicicic. the the the th. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. to to to to th. th. th. to th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the th. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. today, today, today, the the the the the the today. the the the the today. the today. thi. to to the platform. A long list of social media sites have now either banned or restricted President Trump, including Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and Spotify. Yeah, ha ha! Trump got booted from basically every social media site in January. And you know why. Which is kind of a shame because it deprived us of what might have been the funniest milk grate challenge of all time. You're not so sad. He's not so funny.

He's not so funny. Ha ha ha! I mean, he even got kicked off of Spotify. I know Trump did a lot of damage as president, but what could he have possibly done on Spotify? Were they scared to start a podcast? Because Lord knows we wouldn't want anyone on Spotify, hyp-uping up up their their their their they scared to start a podcast? Because Lord knows you wouldn't want anyone on Spotify hyping up middle-aged white men with misinformation. While billionaires were exiting gravity and Trump was exiting Twitter, Americans were exiting their damn minds. I know

nobody likes wearing masks and getting a shot, but some of y'all were embarrassing yourselves. This is Tyranny and this is Paul. We don't stand up, it's only going to get worse. You don't need a mask. I have a right right right right right right right right right right right right. I have the right. I have the right. I have. I have a right. I have. I have a right. I have. I have. I have a right.. I have a right. I have a right. I have a right. I have a right. I have a right. I have. I have. I have. their. their. their. the right. their their their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tip. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the terrorism, this is Paul. We don't stand up, it's only going to get worse. You don't need a mask. I have a right to put you my pizza. You gave me one fucking sucking warning. One warning. Who's the fuck? You said, you should not have seen you stay.

Really? Really? Ah! Ah! Ah! the hell? What in the hell? When did every American become a mix between Mel Gibson and Braveheart and Mel Gibson after his arrest? And for what? Because the mask feels itchy on your shitty goatee? Come on, dude.

I tell you who I feel bad for. Those poor flight attendants. How do you lose your damn mind to the point where you assault the person that's supposed to save you in a plane crash? I know if somebody got an attitude on my plane. I have no problem opening the door and letting the ass get sucked out. You found the right one to day. So there you have it. Those are the biggest exits of 2021. Now, if it, if, if, the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, the thi, the the thi, the the the the the the thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I I thi. I thi. I thi. I tod today, today, today, today, today, today, to today, to to toe. toe. to to to to Now, if excuse me, I have to make an exit of my own. Gotta exit my apartment and find a new place. I'm done living next to Mr. Sprinkles. You win, you yapping, ass dog.

Ugh. So does anyone know over one bedroom apartment where the neighbor is not a poodle? Two bedroom. Three bedroom. I have money! I'm currently on TV. No? Racist. Watch the Daily Show, Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.