The Daily Show: Ears Edition - A War of Words at the UN General Assembly

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

Heads of state from all over the world gathered in New York last week to take part in the UN General Assembly, an event that often puts geopolitical rivals in the same room. Jon Stewart calls the play-by-play on some of the most infamous recent matchups - Bush vs. Chavez, Obama vs. Ahmadinejad, Gaddafi vs. everyone - and gets insight into the UN’s take on things from Sam Bee. Jordan Klepper then hits the assembly floor to mix it up with diplomats before Trevor Noah shares an inside look at France and Australia’s awkward submarine face-off. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Highlands now deposed prime minister was in New York during the military coup. Where everybody who was anybody in the field of ruling everybody,

was gathered at the UN for the opening of the 61st General Assembly. There's Saudi Arabia and Great Britain. There's Afghanistan's Hamid Karza and his right-hand man, Brom Stokers Dracula. So many impressive world leaders. Where do you even begin to, ah, who am I kidding? There's only one matchup anybody cares about. In this corner from the United States, the Duke of democratizing, the Texas tongue twist a

two-time winner of the Electoral College, President George W. Bush. And in this corner, his nemesis, standing one foot six inches tall from the Islamic Republic of Iran the casual caliph little kid nuclear associate professor at the University of Crazytown it's president Mahmoud Manijan let's get ready to ramble the people of Iraq nearly 12 million of you brave the car bombers and assassins last December to vote in free elections. The people of Afghanistan.

Together we overthrew the Taliban regime. That doesn't sound like Bush walked into a room and found out he was about to get whacked. The Saudi Arabia. Our children go to school together. How could you do that? Kuwait? Our wives play tennis. Why are you doing this to me? To the people of Lebanon. To the people of Syria. To the people of Dauphur.

The United Arab Emirates, Algeria, the regime in Khartoum. Uh, the people of Guam. Uh, what's up? I like your shirt. How many more countries are here? All right, Mr. President, enough preliminaries. To the people of Iran. Oh, yeah! Here it comes comes baby! Let's bring it! The United States respects you. We respect your country. We admire your rich history, your vibrant culture, and your many contributions

to civilization. It would be unfortunate if something perhaps detrimental would to happen to a country in such rich history. The peace? Ha ha. While Bush had the decency to... While Bush had the decency... Well Bush had the decency, he talked in blind items, while Bush had the decency to name his adversary specifically,

Amakin' Ajad, he talked in blind items. Certain powers equate themselves with the international community and consider their decisions superseding that of over 180 countries. They consider themselves the masters and rulers of the entire world. Honduras, I think Iran's talking about you. And while Bush's grievances were limited to Iran's attempt to buy nukes, Amman and Ajad felt America has a longer rap sheet. A, the unbridled expansion of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons.

B, occupation of countries and exacerbation of hostilities. C, lack of respect for the rights of members of the international community. D. When we see the United States at a party, we make eye contact. They act like we didn't make eye contact. E. What kind of a country has Colbert losing to Manilow at the Emmys? Makes no sense. F. They're not savages, they watch the Emmys. Both Bush and Amanajad kept their comments relatively tame.

This year's Hyperbally Award goes to Venezuela's Hugo Chavez with this chestnut. Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. In this same today, and it smells of sulfur still today. What? Where's everybody going? All I said was the President of the United States is evil incarnate and smells like a dead-rodding creature?

What? Why doesn't anyone take me seriously? The United Nations? indeed the world! Still talking about Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez's remarks on President Bush yesterday for the General Assembly. Yesterday the devil came here, right here. In this same today, it smells of sulfur still today. And it smells of sulfur still today. Okay, look.

I've been to the UN building. That's just how it smells. Especially after Kofi's had the chili. But there's a much bigger issue here, so if I may, Hugo, meet me a camera three. Hola. Where? Where?

Where's your biblioteca? Where's your biblioteca? It's actually, that's the only phrase I know. Look, Hugo, I know you're not a fan of our president. Many of us have some problems with him as well. Lives in a bubble, stubborn. He's a bully, that's no secret. In fact, I believe that's what he campaigns on. My point is this, when you call him the devil, it somewhat brings this credit on those who would oppose the

man's policies while not necessarily being bat-shed insane. Now I got to tell you, sir, if your point is that the President, President Bush needs to be more humble, well, dare I say, you may be the wrong messenger for that message. Let's be honest, Hugo. The Chavez imprimatur is not a guarantee of freshness. If you know what I'm talking about, there's Cindy Sheehan hugging away her credibility with you. There's Hally, Harry Belafonte, tally him bananas.

And there's Danny Glover this morning in Harlem after you would call the president the devil again. By the way, Danny Glover, what are you doing? Seriously, Danny, meet me at camera four. Hey, Danny, what is with the lethal weapon team? I mean, first Gibson, now, you? How'd you guys squeeze four pretty solid movies out of that partnership? What kind of conversations were you guys having in the trailer? Hey Mel, the workers must control the means of production. Yeah I know Danny fucking Jews. All right. Look, calling Bush the devil is just stupid and inaccurate. How do I know? Well on the phone with us now. Are you there, sir? I am indeed, John. Thank you for having me. Listen, a long time, uh, first time, uh, first time. Yeah, the first time. the the the the the their, uh, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they their the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their. Yeah, I their. Yeah, I their. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they. Yeah, I I I they. Yeah, I they. Yeah, I they. Yeah, I their their their ti. Yeah, I ti. Yeah, I tip. tip. te. te. te. te. the they. the they. the the they. Yeah, I they. Yeah, I they. Yeah, on the phone with us now. Are you there, sir? I am indeed, John. Thank you for having me. Listen, a long time, first time.

Listen, you know, last night, as you can imagine, my ears were burning. Ah, with the whole stir about Chavez talking about you, comparing you to the president? No, no, no, not that. I live in a fiery pit. My ears, they're always burning. But seriously, listen, my point is this, Bush is not me. And hey, Hugo, you're no angel, all right? And if the president has earned himself a place here, believe me, I got a cubby hole with your name on it, too, pal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've against the young man that claim this kid's the best that's ever been. Well thank you very much devil always a pleasure to

have you on the program. Wait wait wait wait can I get a quick plug in here for my food cakes? We don't have time for that devil. Damn you Stewart! Damn you to cable! We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Streaming soon on Paramount Plus. This is Dr. Frazier Crane. I'm listening. He's back again. Hey dad, I got a question about punctuation.

Ooh! No, stay on task. And he's more Frazier than ever. How do I look? Rich. Just what I was going before. Oh my god, they traded your baby for wine. Do you really think we would trade John for white, Zinfandel, or any wine? Frazier, new season streaming September 19th on Paramount Plus. The United Nations is having its annual meeting of the General Assembly, the highlight of which is the general debate.

When each country's representative gets 15 minutes to say what's on their mind. Basically it's like a week-long performance of the vagina monologues. But instead of getting interesting lineups like this, we get a lineup like we had Wednesday with Barack Obama opening for Libyanneur Mahmoud Khadda who is middling for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Obama, who's your agent? I think you're working with the wrong Emanuel brother. You're working with Rahm. You're working with Zik. You need a little Ari in your life. Yeah.

Hug it out. President Obama came to the international community with a clear message. Mean no Bush. On my first day in office, I prohibited, without exception or equivocation, the use of torture. I ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed. We've also re-engaged the United Nations. We have paid our bills. We have joined the Human Rights Council.

We have signed the Convention of the Rights of Persons with Disabilities. We have taken our giant magnifying glass away from the polar ice caps. We have made sure our rat army will be bred either for hyperintelligence or enormous size, but no longer for both. We've called off our robot army. Later that day, Iranian pocket dictator Mahmoud Akhmad Dinojad rolled out his list of grievances. It is not acceptable that the military budget of some governments exceeds far larger those of the entire countries of the world. The interests of certain powers as the only measurement of democracy. Certain political interest groups, some governments, certain governments,

those who've created the current disastrous situation. Name names! I'm terrible at these blind items. Who are you referring to? Who are you referring to? Who are you referring to? Christ!gel? Who are you referring to? Christ, Aukminidnajad's like the passive aggressive guy at your office. Apparently some people think they can eat other people's lunches.

Even though the Tupperware was clearly labeled, certain people can't read, Todd. It's named names, dude. Now based on crowd response, the Mokindijad's speech did not go over very well. The chamber was at least half empty. Many delegates either didn't show or walk out on Ahmadinejad midway through. Although to be fair to Akhmindinjad, some of those empty seats can be explained by a glitch on the marquee outside the assembly room. By the way, who walks out halfway through Ackman Dinojad? Hey, wait a minute, this guy's

crazy. I thought he was going to be really good, but he's crazy. But even Akmahmd didn't bring his normal level of lunacy. He realized that no matter what he did, he was following one of the all-time nuts. Legendary international terrorist supporter, Libya's Moa Marqaddafi, who appeared at the UN for the first time in his 40-year rain. Looking like what would happen if a wax figure of little Richard somehow snuck in and raided Rue McClanahan's closet. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, Mouamar. No, Moomar. I'm kidding.

He looks terrific in Tangerine, seriously. All right, you got 15 minutes. What's been on your mind all these years? It should not be called the security council. It should be called the Terror Council. Somalis are not pirates. All right, you got 15 minutes. What's been on your mind all these years? It should not be called the Security Council. It should be called the Terror Council. Somalis are not pirates. We are the pirates.

I don't know how this will be translated, but if we add more water, it will be more muddy. Jack Robby and Israeli killed Lee Harvey. It is meant for all of us, big or small. This white book. When I wake up at 11 o'clock, I'm supposed to be late. I'm four o'clock, I'm awake. Why? Think about it. It's why in flues. Perhaps tomorrow we shall have a fish flu. For an hour and a half, Moa Marqadavi gave what was either a master class in disturbed psychotic thinking or the highlights of his 40 years of Andy Runyesque commentary on Libya's

version of 60 Minutes. I mean, why do they call it Tripoli? There's only one of them. Shouldn't they call it tripley, there's only one of them. Shouldn't they call it singly? Of course he did close strong. I'm sorry, no offense Mr. Santana is just a, the look was similar enough than we thought there would be some humor in that juxtaposition. Our own Samantha B has been covering the United Nations Summit.

Sam, you were down there. Moe Mark Gaddai, a state sponsor of terrorism, gave a hero's welcome to the Lockerbie bomber, gets up there for a speech allotted for 15 minutes. Yes, I know. And he goes on for 95 minutes. It's unacceptable, John, and the UN is is it. It is not going to allow this. Right. They did allow it. It happened. No, no, no, no, no. The Security Council has convened an emergency session to strongly condemn Qaddafi and demand an end to his speech. Well, request, suggest they're working through the language. But the speech has ended, like a day and a half ago. The member nations have agreed to send in UN inspectors the to the the to the the to the to the the the the the to the to the the the the the the the to the the the the the to allow the to allow to allow to allow to allow to allow to allow to allow to allow to allow to allow thi thi to allow to allow thi thi thi thi thi. They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They th. They thi. They thi. They thi. They thi. They the the thi. the the the thin thin thin, thin, to to to to to to to to toa.eeeea.ea. toea. toea. theea. thea. thea. thea. the. through the language. But the speech has ended, like a day and a half ago.

The member nations have agreed to send in UN inspectors to monitor Qaddafi and to draft a report as to whether or not the speech has, in fact, ended. So, you know. The UN has sent UN inspectors into the UN. Well, they will. There has been a delay in implementation. The inspectors work in the building! Hey, slow down, Speedy Gonzalez.

There were some protocol issues that needed to be addressed. Sam, isn't this really the problem with the UN? I mean, if they're too fethey going to stop wars or prevent genocide or... Whoa, take it down a notch, shock and awe! Quit it with the UN bashing right now. That is the kind of talk that will get you sanctioned. You will be sanctioned. Or at the very least, a committee will be formed to address possible effects a sanction will have on you. Thank you, Sam. Yeah. Telltell it to the UN's Observation and Sanction Assessment Regulatory Task Committee Force, Squad.

They are going to observe the shit out of you. All right, Sam, thank you very much. All right, Sam B, everybody, we'll be right back. The United Nations was founded in 1945 to save future generations from the scourge of war. I think we all know ever since since ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever since since since since since since since since since ever thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to to to to to to the the to to to their to their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to future generations from the scourge of war. I think we all know ever since everything's been pretty great. More or less. We sent Jordan Clepper to the UN's recent General Assembly to report on how they're doing. Right now the world is racked with problems like Ebola, Syria, climate change,

Sudan, Palestine, the Ukraine, and that's just one breath. If only there was an organization whose sole purpose was to solve these kinds of issues. Oh right, the UN. With 117 world leaders in town last week for the General Assembly, I headed over to see what the hell they were doing to fix these messes. I have been attending a United Nations meeting for quite a couple of years now and sometimes I think it becomes, you know, where we just come, talk, talk, talk, talk. The UN needs to be a lot more effective in the interactions that they're taking to combat,

say, things like Ebola. We have this organization that was established after World War II in order to guarantee that war will not be the destiny of humanity. So is it working? It should be working, but in our case it is not working. With so many diplomatic minds in the same place, surely they were all working together towards the common good, as one. I would blame primarily Russia as I would, as a matter of fact.

Which states specifically are getting in the way? Being such a good diplomat as I am, I should perhaps not name and shame all the states. India? India? China? China is? China is? China is the one that you weren't going to say? Is it China? The United States is? Is it? Israel is refusing to negotiate in good faith for us? Pointing fingers gets us nowhere, but who is getting in the way of progress? Is it that guy? As you said, pointing fingers will get us nowhere. But again, it is not enough to just point the fingers. When we point the fingers, we should go to that person and tell him that, look, you are

the one stalling the progress. But perhaps the biggest obstacle of all is the UN Security Council, aka the world's block. It decides who gets sanctions, who gets resolutions, and most often, who gets ignored. It's not been able to do anything in Syria. It's been equally handicapped or equally divided on Ukraine. It's not majority rules because the five permanent members have a veto of the United States. You have Russia, you have China, you have France and you have the United Kingdom.

They all have to get together. I, three of those were major decks. Finally, I found a representative of the UN, the spokesperson for the Secretary General himself to ask him what the point of this whole place was. We represent the collective willpower of governments, of states, and of the people. So the collective willpower is to pass resolutions. Well, you know, we all need to have good resolutions, right? We all need to keep

resolutions. And... I break my resolutions like a week after I make them. I think you do really well with the UN then. Yes, the only only only only only the only only only the only only the only only the only the only the only the only th. th. th. the only th. the th. thi their their their th. their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. We'll, their. We'll, their. We'll, their. We'll, their. their. their. We'll, their. their. their. their. We'll, their. We'll, their. We're, their. I. I. I. I. I. We're, their, their, their, their, th.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e.e. their, I think you do really well with the UN then. Yes, the only bullet in their gun is the hollow-pointed suggestion. So your strongest move is to urge? Stronger move is to encourage. Urge is encouraged. They're the same thing. No, urge is in encouraged. It's more. It felt like everyone I spoke with was just talking in circles.

Little dizzy. What the world needs is a fresh start without non-binding resolutions or infighting or those Security Council assholes. I had a truly original idea and I even had a name. What do you think of this? Word buddies. World buddies. A place where everyone has everyone's back, with varying membership levels. The best buddy level you can text me anytime. I'll text you right back immediately. Even if I'm out at a restaurant with a friend. Pen Pell is a great one. I'll sign your resolution if you sign mine, kind of like scratch my back. Silver Buddy comes with five free airstrikes. You sign them today, you get 20% off. I'm interested, most especially about the one

that has to do with digging of wells and water systems around the world. I think, yes. There's also a drinking body, I see. Yes. I have a vision of a world where where where where where where where where where where where where where where where where as they're not too complicated. It's called world buddies, please don't join, please don't join, and it's it's an opportunity to get every country together, it doesn't have to be everyone but most countries together. If you're interested if you don't have to be, I'd love you to take a look at or just hand it

back to me. Well, I will read it. I will give it a... I will give it... It might just not be for you. It's due consideration. Yeah. We'll leave it at that. the trim. theyme.

theyme. He's back. He's back again. Hey Hey dad, I got a question about punctuation. Ooh! No, stay on task. And he's more Frazier than ever. How do I look? Rich. Just what I was going for.

Oh my God, they traded your baby for wine. Do you really think we would trade John for white, Zinfandel. or. Or any wine? Frazier, new season streaming September 19th on Paramount Plus. This week is the United Nations General Assembly which is happening in New York. It's the annual gathering that honestly could just be a Zoom. But all the big names have shown up. President Biden gave a speech, Brazil's Bolsonaro gave a speech,

and VTS gave a speech, and filmed a music video from inside UN headquarters. Completely real. Yeah. Old people were probably watching this like, what the hell is a the UN? But it makes sense for BTS to show up at the UN. I mean, out of all the countries the countries thres, thors, thors, th an tha, th., th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi, the, the, the, the, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, that, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thr-a, that, thr-a, thr-a, thr-a, th like, what the hell is a BTS? And young people were watching it like, what the hell is the UN? But it makes sense for the to show up at the UN. I mean, out of all the countries there,

they probably have the most powerful army. And obviously, there's a lot of global issues on the agenda. You know, it's devastating them. But there's also a brand new international dispute that's causing a lot of drama. France is furious with the U.S. because of a surprise snub on a $65 billion diesel submarine contract. Originally, France and Australia had shaken hands on the deal, but just last week Australia changed course and went with the U.S. and UK on a new contract for nuclear subs.

France was so offended by the faux-pa, Macron pulled the French ambassadors to the US and Australia. France's foreign minister is calling the administration's decision unacceptable behavior between allies and partners and a stab in the back of France, which had been trying to sell Australia its less powerful subs. An angry France also canceled a gala in D.C. tonight, celebrating the an an an an an an an an an anniversaryssfeeafeafeafea-a-a-a-a-a-fe of of of of of of of of of of of f an the an the an the an the an the an the an the an the an the and-feffi-feffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffeffe-feckededed by f f f f f f f f f f f fe, fe, fe, fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. Fe. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. F. their-fe-fe-fe-ne. th. the. the. thea-n. theauu. tht. theau, tht. thttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. the sell Australia its less powerful subs. An angry France also cancelled a gala in D.C. tonight, celebrating the anniversary of a naval battle that France helped the colonies win in the Revolutionary War. Okay, look, look, guys, I mean, canceling a party, that's no big deal. But you've got to be pretty angry to cancel a gala.

Because that's a party with like fancy napkins. But yeah, th, thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thia, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, thi, to, to, to got to be pretty angry to cancel a gala. That's a party with like fancy napkins. But yeah, basically Australia had promised to buy some submarines from France, right? But then they decided to ditch France and announce that they were instead gonna buy their submarines from the UK and America. And this whole story shocked me because when I first heard about it, I was like, I didn't even know France and Australia knew each other. Ha! But now it turns out that France is really embarrassed, and they're pissed off.

So pissed off, that they recalled their ambassador to the US, which doesn't sound that crazy until you realize that in 250 years, they've never done that before. Yeah, France was so mad that they've even recalled Timothy Shalamey's name. From now on, we have to call him Timmy Brown. It's just not as sexy. It really isn't. Yeah, you might as well call me by your name.

That's the movie. See what I did there? And you know, guys, France is making such a big deal about this deal, that I'm starting to think that they needed this contract to pay to to tha tha tho tho tho tho tho the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi this contract to pay the rent or something. And while France is upset with the UK and Australia, you can tell that they're especially mad at Joseph Robinette Biden. Because they came at him with the ultimate insults. So the language out of Paris right now is the harshest yet over the new security deal Australia struck with the US and Britain. Well on Saturday the foreign minister didn't hide his contempt.

I'm really angry. What worries me is the behavior of the Americans. This unilateral, brutal, unpredictable decision looks a lot like what Mr. Trump used to do. Oh boy, no tell me you didn't. You did not just throw out the tea word at Joe Biden. Because you know what's going to happen next, right? Joe Biden's about to hit you with the clap back. Get him, Joe! Well, he fell asleep, but when he wakes up, oh boy, you better look out. Now, don't forget, the only reason Australia wants these subs in the first place is because

China is becoming more and more aggressive in the region. So when China saw this deal, they also weren't happy. China's accusing the US of stoking a new arms race. Chinese state media warning Australia that it's now an adversary and to prepare for the worst. The sensationalist Chinese state media newspaper, the Global Times, it had a front page article and in that article it said that Australia was really marking itself out as an adversary of China and by making this move it also made itself vulnerable as a potential nuclear target in the event of open conflict.

God damn, China. No wonder Australia's nervous. You guys just jumped straight to nuclear war. Isn't there a gala or something you can cancel first? You know, honestly, I think this whole situation could have been avoided. You know, these are submarines, right? They're supposed to be secret. No one knows what's happening. Like, why are you even telling people about them in the first place? If I was Australia, I wouldn't spend billions of dollars on submarines, spend billions of dollars on the people to help with

what happened with COVID and then I would just tell China that I bought the submarines because how they're gonna know? It's all underwater. Yeah, we've got a a bunch of them. they're theymeau. their their their we've their we've their we've their we've their we've their we've their we're their we're their we're their we're their we're their we're their we're their we're gonna. their. their. their. their. their. their we're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. they're their. their. their we're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. theanananananananananananananananananananananananan't. todea. today. today. today. today. te. tea. tea. tea. their. their. their. their. t? Yeah, that's what they're for. Yeah, but we bought a ton. Check my Venmo. You can see where I spent the money. But this is where we're at right now. France and China are both pissed at the US, Australia, and the UK. And what makes it even worse is that right now, they're all at the United Nations together. Can you imagine how awkward that is? I mean, well, luckily you don't have to imagine, because we at the Daily Show have exclusive footage of what goes on at these high-level meetings, and we're going to share it with you in our brand-new segment, inside the UN.

The today's the UN. Welcome to the United Nations, everyone. We're here to discuss climate change, the most important issue facing the planet. Hey, pardon, I would like us to discuss an even more important issue. Betrayal. Oh, the submarine thing again. French people are so dramatic. Why don't you cry about it in black and white, mate? Oh, I'm sorry, Monami. Do you think this is a joke? Let me tell you something. When you are dealing with your allies and you are looking to catch...

Am I in black and wet right now? Have you put me... You put me back right now? This is not for me? It wasn't personal, France. America just has better submarines. We had to to diggery do what was best for our country. And if you're mad about it, we diggery don't give a f-shunder. You know, I don't know what makes me angrier. You are the Americans you cheated on us with. Hey buddy, if someone asks me to dance, I ain't gonna ask who they came with. I'm gonna put on my boots and we gonna start stepping. Yeah, come on, France. How can we trust your weapons in the first place? You can't even win a war by yourself.

So you go to America? Huh? They just lost a war to people who don't even have Wi-Fi! Hey, buddy, we didn't lose a war, okay? We made a strategic decision not to win. This isn't about submarines, it's about loyalty. Huh? How hard is it to be loyal? I am loyal to all four of my mistresses. Okay, look, cheer up, France.

I'm sure someone else will buy your submarines. That is correct. Nigeria, we'll buy some submarines. Ah, well in that case. Hey, we'll sell you submarines. Then we will buy from America. Son of the beach! We will transfer the money to you.

We just need your banking account number, America, and your pin number too, huh? Sounds good to me. Look, mate, we gotta keep our eyes on the prize here. The real reason we need those submarines is because we're all scared of China. Wait, hold on. Why are you guys so scared? You don't need submarines in the Pacific. There's nothing going on there. Australian spiders are the size of horses. You should be scared of that.

No, you got something going on, China. Every time I refresh my goddamn Google map, there's another 10 islands popping up. Oh, look who knows geography now. Why, I order? Admitted China, you're trying to conquer the Pacific. I mean, you can't just take over territory that isn't yours. Oh, now you can't do that.

I'll see you at the next cricket match. Guys, guys, relax, you're so tense. Lighten up. Check out Tick-Tock. Everyone is dancing. And there's funny animals. You like that? Stop trying to distract us, China.

We're not going to fall for it. No, we are not. Not today, China. We are so cussed. Oh guys, shake this dog sings like still in the on. Ha ha ha. Oh my God, that's so funny. Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. Daily Show Weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime

on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on Fire, and this season we are joined by Fan Favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. and this season we are joined by fan favorite and survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action Charlie I'm excited to do this together. Thanks Jeff so excited to be here and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47.

Listen to on fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast.