The Daily Show: Ears Edition - America: WTF | Lindsey Vonn

Episode Date: January 28, 2022

Roy Wood Jr. reacts to COVID-19 chaos in U.S. schools, Ronny Chieng presents an international perspective of America, and skier Lindsey Vonn discusses her memoir "Rise: My Story." Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. It's been a really rough, I just want to check in on all of you, everybody who works here. I know there's been a really rough time this past week. A lot of cartoon characters have been changing their outfits. I just wanted to make sure you guys are all feeling safe and secure. The M&M's thing rocked people. Now Disney announced that Minnie is going to be wearing a pantsuit. People are losing their shit over this because apparently they liked those sexy, sleek legs of hers.

A lot of people don't know what this means for the future of the country. I'm not going to lie. I didn't ever think a country could be this angry about cartoon characters changing their outfits. Like people are angry. Mini Mouse should be wearing that mini skirt, okay? It's called mini mouse, not pants mouse. Okay? I want to see that ass. Okay? People literally are on the news being like,

this is destroying the fabric of society. What's next? Donald Duck, you're not going to be able to see his dick? He's wear different outfits. The only people who shouldn't wear different outfits is like people who are geniuses because they don't want to waste time. Like Albert Einstein, he says he wore the same clothes every day because he didn't want to waste time thinking about what he was going to wear. He's like, I'm trying to solve the universe. I can't figure out if like check goes with pocadot. You know what I mean? Trying to figure shit out.

Steve Jobs, same thing. He was like, yo, same outfit, I'm not wasting my brain power. A lot of people do that in like life now. They go like, yeah, I don't waste time thinking because I want to, but now you just wear the same clothes every day. I don't think people realize that might be the one saving grace that you have. Because now you're coming with the same dumb shit every day and you look the same. At least if you switch things up, people be like, that shit was dumb again,

but nice shirt. Coming to you from the only city in America. It's The Daily Show. Ears edition. Tonight, schools in Amacrum. Why Football is Weird. And Lindsay Von. This is the Daily Show with Trevor Noah. Hey, what's going on everybody. Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Trevor Noah. Let's jump straight into today's headlines. And we begin with the Supreme Court, the world's lamest gospel choir.

Today, major news people, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer has officially announced that he is retiring. And I know you're thinking, wait, we spoke about this yesterday. No, that wasn't officially, that was like a tweet that was official, but it wasn't official. This is official official. And this is going to have ramifications. But before we get into the politics, let's take a moment to honor Justice Breyer's career. And that's enough of that.

All right. So, Joe Biden, you may remember, promised, that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that that that that that that that that that that that that that's is that's thr, thr, thr, thr, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th is going th is going th is going th is going th is going th is going th is going th is going th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, is going thi. to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have thi. thi. thiinate a black woman if an opening on the Supreme Court came up because he cares deeply about representation and winning Georgia. And so now it looks like that's what he's planning to do, but everyone is not happy about that. Right off the bat, he is excluding all potential candidates who are not African-American women. So if you're a man, if you happen to be white, an Asian-American, Hispanic-American, if you happen to be white, an Asian American, Hispanic

American, Joe Biden will not even look at your resume. To exclude certain candidates based solely on race and gender is beyond extremely divisive. It may even be illegal. I don't think the president should ever, ever insult the person he's going to nominate by saying you're not the most qualified person, you're just the most qualified black woman person. Well, I mean, what kind of a qualification is that, being a black woman? I mean, is this our standards now in terms of the highest court in the land? You almost got the impression that Joe Biden believes all black women are the same.

They're identical. This is exactly why decent Americans hated segregation, it's dehumanized people. And why isn't there an American Indian on the court or a genderqueer? Why isn't there an Afghan refugee under consideration? Yeah, and why isn't there a sexy M&M under consideration? I'm talking about one of those M&Ms that goes right from the legs straight to the shell. Did we all just get horny? Hmm? Just me? Look, man, there's a lot to unpack here,

but most importantly, being a black woman isn't the qualification. All right? Joe Biden is gonna pick a black woman who is also qualified. These people act like Biden is just going to show up at the mall and be like, Yo, Shaniqua, come with me. My name is Regina. It doesn't matter, just put on these rogues. I need help with abortion.

No, she's going to be qualified. And why is that a bad thing? Why not try to make the Supreme Court a little more representative of the country it represents. I mean, the rulings impactings, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi is, thi is, their their thi is, their thi's, their thi, their, their, their, thi, their thi, their, their thi, thi, thi, their, their, thi, their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi. thi. thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, their thin, their to their theeean. thean. thean. thoooooooooooooo. the. the country. So it would be nice to have at least one justice on there who's had to ask the Walgreens guy to unlock the shampoo shelf. But at the same time, at the same time, I also hear what these fox people are saying. You know, it shouldn't matter whether you're black or white.

This position should only go to the most qualified judge who also thinks that guns are people. And I mean, I feel bad for Tucker Carlson. Of course he's upset. Think about it. For almost all of American history, the entire Supreme Court was white dudes with bowties and weird hair. And now that's all gone.

Where's Tucker's representation? Huh? Lacrosse Lives Matter people. All right, let's move on. From America to America's estranged dad. Great Britain. Their Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been embroiled in scandal ever since it was discovered that while Britons were in lockdown, he broke the rules and threw a bunch of office parties.

And apparently they were partying for everything. Retirement parties, birthday parties, regular hangout parties. Shit, they were throwing parties just because someone figured out how to unjam the printer. It's working. It's really working. Well, this calls for a spot of bubbly. Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg. And as if that wasn't bad enough, now Boris Brue Boris Johnson. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, get this, is once again on the defense. Over another issue, this time it's whether he authorized the evacuation of cats and dogs

from Afghanistan. A batch of leaked emails appear to contradict Johnson's claims of having nothing to do with the evacuation of animals from a British charity in Afghanistan as a country fell to the Taliban and human beings were scrambling to find a in Afghanistan as the country fell to the Taliban and human beings were scrambling to find a way out of that country. The Prime Minister has always denied intervening a denial he repeated this lunchtime. This whole thing is total rubar. The military always prioritized human beings and that was quite right.

And I think we should be incredibly proud of of what pity and what it achieved. You know, can I be honest? This is the most white people scandal of all time. You rescued pets before human beings? Guys, you have to prioritize saving people over animals because people will be grateful about it. You rescue a cat from Afghanistan, it'll act like it's doing you a favor. Yeah, thanks. Now Boris says that this whole scandal is total rule bomb. So you can tell he's stressed because British people only bust out the obscure vegetables when their backs are against the wall.

Prince Andrew what were you doing on Jeffrey Epstein's Island? Oh, Brussels Sprouts, it's not what you think! This is where you realize how special Trump was at getting out of a jam, right? Remember that guy? Because where most politicians try and undo the scandal, Trump was a genius, man, he would just add another one to throw us off the trail. I know you're upset. But why are we talking about me sleeping with a porn star? When I'm about to overthrow the government? the government, the government, the government, thu the government, thow, thow, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, throw, the government, throw, throw, throw, throw, throwing, throwing, throwing, throw, the government, throwing, throwing, throwing, throwing, throwing, throwing throwing throwing throwing the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the scandal, the the the the the the the the the the the the the government, the government, the government, the government, the government, the government, the government, throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing to throwing to throwing throwing throwing to throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing throwing th That's the real story, folks. Throwing over my own government, and I'm an overthrow with me inside it. Now I'm upside down.

All right, finally, let us turn to today's big education news. I before E, except after C. Apparently, it's not true. You can just flip that shit. I base my whole personality on that. Also, another education story is over the last few months, they have been big movements by conservatives to put limits on what kids can learn in schools. Laws saying that you can't teach divisive concepts about race,

laws saying that books should be pulled from libraries for talking about gender identity. Basically, at this point if it's not math, science, or how to hide from a shooter, they don't think it's appropriate for kids to know about. And now one school board is going after a surprising new target. A Tennessee school board decided to ban the Pulitzer Prize-winning graphic novel, mouse. It's the only graphic novel ever to win the Pulitzer. But the McKin County school board in Tennessee has banned the book.

One board member said, quote, it shows people hanging, it shows them killing kids. Why does the educational system promote this kind of stuff? It's not wise or healthy. Mouse is widely seen as the gold standard when it comes to teaching kids about the Holocaust, given its unique voice, its unique approach. This decision baffling the author of Mouse, Art Spiegelman, he was interviewed by C.M.B.C. about the decision and he said this, it's leaving me with my jaw open.

Like, what? I also understand that Tennessee is obviously demented. There's something going on very, very haywire there. Now, if you don't know, Mouse, the whole reason this book is taught in middle school is that it's a serious book about the Holocaust that kids actually want to read, and adults too, right? Because a subject, this huge and horrifying is hard to get your head around. So what Mouse does is it turns all of the people into cartoon animals. The Jews are represented by mice, the Germans are represented by cats. And because that's a trope that we're familiar with from comic books, it helps people process this event that's unthinkable otherwise.

I mean, it's either a comic book or that peanut special. It's genocide, Charlie Brown. No, but seriously, though, just because you show something doesn't mean you're promoting it. You need to include certain stories because they represent reality, right? It's like having the n-word in Huckleberry Finn, or the n-word in to kill a marking bird, or the n-word in of mice and men, or the n-word in... Good night moon. Wow. They said the n-word a lot.

So, listen, Tennessee School Board, you don't need to be denying the Holocaust, okay? That's YouTube's job. Stay in your lane. And when you teach kids, teach them the whole truth. You can't teach it while avoiding some of the unpleasant parts. That's not the thing. That's history. You're supposed to teach it properly. And, it's going to make these kids look really dumb later on in life. Ah, yes, the Holocaust. When millions of people were given free pajamas. No? Okay, enough of that. Let's move on to our main story,

which is once again about the coronavirus pandemic. And I know it seems like we talk about COVID every single day, but don't worry, this is a new variant. One thing everyone agrees on is that sooner or later, kids need to be back in school because Zoom classes are a nightmare. And they were especially hard for the teachers at that euphoria high school. Will everyone please turn on your cameras?

Everyone turn, wait, wait, is that a penis? Is it turn it off? Turn it off! Now, unfortunately, schools have to contend with COVID, which also likes everyone being inside classrooms. So, how are schools dealing with in-person classes during a pandemic? Well, let's find out. In another installment of getting back to normalish. If there's one thing we've learned about COVID,

is that it spreads most when people are crowded indoors. And if there's one thing that schools are about, it's crowding people into tight spaces, classrooms, hallways, lockers. So as you can imagine, this has caused a lot of problems for students. Since Omicron started, countless kids around the country have gotten infected, or they've had to isolate because some kid in their class got infected. And when you think about it, it's disorienting not to know what each day is going to bring. Are they going to be in class? Are they going to be home?

Is the bullying going to be in person or cyber? You need to plan. It's been chaos for students, which is why some schools have decided to do away with the indoor parts of indoor learning, all together. The pandemic has many parents in school still struggling with remote versus in-person learning. But some schools are finding a compromise in the great outdoors. Despite frigid temperatures in Wisconsin and Maine,

these schools moved some classes outside to help prevent the spread. 17 schools in Portland, Maine built outdoor learning spaces, plenty of winter gear and Wi-Fi. With wind chill, it's minus seven. Try not to burn your mittens. Yeah, that's right, COVID. You're not gonna get these kids, because they're gonna freeze to death first. Ha ha, checkmate. And look, I know those classrooms might be colder

than the middle of a Trader Joe's burrito, but there are probably a lot of play in the snow and high schoolers, they don't have to worry about spontaneous erections anymore. Everybody wins. Not to mention, these kids will be the first generation that can outflex their grandparents about how hard they had it. I used to walk 10 miles in the snow just to get to school. Bitch, the snow was my school. But if kids are stressed out by everything that's going on, it's also

hard on the teachers. A lot of them are staying home because they're either worried about getting COVID or they already have it. Which is why there's a big teacher shortage right now all across the country. And that's a problem. Because without teachers, you don't have a school. I mean, now it's just juvie. So schools around the country are trying. A trying. A trying. A tri-a trying, trying, trying, tri-a, the the the the the the the the the to to to th to to to to to to to the to the the to the the the the th th th th the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their th. th. to to to to to to to to to to th to to their th th to their their their their their their, the country are trying to solve their staffing problems with whoever they can find. As Omicron surges on, teachers are calling out with COVID leading to a potential crisis across the nation's schools. With record numbers calling in sick, thousands of schools have been forced to close. Schools scrambling to keep kids in the classroom forced to come up with creative solutions. In Miami, a staggering 1,700 teachers called in sick today.

It was all hands-on decks. Even the district superintendent filled in as a substitute science teacher. In Michigan, lunch ladies and school bus drivers are stepping in to supervise classes. School districts facing teacher shortages are asking parents and alum to fill in as substitutes. Hundreds of parents in Palo Alto, California are volunteering at schools, doing anything from like custodial work to food services. I have clean tables, I've swept floors.

In New Mexico, the governor now calling on the National Guard to teach kids. In Oklahoma, off-duty police officers are now stepping into teach. Wow. They're using cops as substitute teachers? I mean, that's one way to get the black kids raising their hands in class. Kevin, did you have a question? Nah, sir, I just don't want any trouble. It would actually be pretty funny if the teachers and cops switch jobs permanently because you got to admit it would be so nice to get pulled over by a

teacher for a change because they just be like, sir do you know how fast you were going? Because you see you left Tulsa at 308 p.m. and arrived here two hours later which means I'm not hating though I think it's great that people from the community are stepping up but let's not forget th again th again tho th again th again th again th again th again th again th again the the the the the the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thi thi. the. the. the. to to to to to to be to be to be thi. thi. thi. th. thi. thi. th. th. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to to to to the. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. the. the. that people from the community are stepping up. But let's not forget, there's no way to replace a professional substitute teacher. Yeah, you think anyone can just show up, pass out a worksheet and then get roasted for eight hours by a bunch of 11-year-olds? No, that is an art form. So a lot of these pandemic policies have been hard on students and teachers, but the people making the policies aren't getting off easy. And I'm talking about the local school boards.

Yeah, they're stuck in the middle between parents who are terrified of their kids' safety and parents who are terrified that the masks their kids wear will turn their kids into tiny little Faucies. I'm home from school mom, and all the data supports me getting some mac and cheese right now. Follow the science, mommy. So, school boards are in a tough spot and not every parent is showing their appreciation. This school board meeting in Virginia, taking a wild turn Thursday as a Page County parent was arrested and released on a $5,000 bond after she was captured on tape, threatening to bring

guns to her children's school if the district continued to enforce their mask mandate. My children will not come to school on Monday with a mask on. All right? That's not happening. And I will bring every single gun loaded and ready to, I will call every... That's three minutes. You've gone past your time. It's a policy. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. I'll see y'all on Monday. So you don't want to hear the end of the threaten to tre. I mean, I know there's a time policy, but if someone's threatening to kill me, I want to hear what they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have their their they they the the to say to say to say th end of the threat? I mean I know there's a time policy but if someone's threatening to kill me I want to hear what they have to say so I know how to escape. I mean this does show you how often school boards get death threats screamed at them. Do you see how calm those people were? This woman is talking about bringing every loaded gun to the school and they're like, time is up, thank you. The next speaker is Jennifer Higgins who has a proposal for burning down our houses. Go ahead, Jennifer, and please remember, keep it to three minutes.

For more on the disruption that Omicron is causing with schools, let's go out now to Roywood Jr. who is standing outside a random school. Do I have to be out here, Trevor? It's cold as hell. I could just that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thozyuioyoyoyoyuiolkioiooyuiolkioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioio. thiiiiiii. thii. thiii. thii. thi. thii. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's thi. that's thi. thi. thi. that's thi. that's thi. thi. thi. thi. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. toe. thi. thi. thi. to be out here, Trevor. It's cold as hell. I could just talk to you in the studio. I'm sorry, Roy, that's not possible. This is how the news is. You see, we're talking about a school so you have to be at a school, otherwise, how will the people trust what a school is? Anyway, let's talk about all the chaos in schools right now, Roy. It almost feels like we're back in 2020 right? It sure as shit does. I'm so fed up with Omicron man it's ruining everything it's ruining things for students for teachers parents everybody not to mention all the money I'm losing on these shirts I printed up a couple months ago. Look at this man and sold a single one of these. Damn Omicron you don't

the overhead on that. Really gives you a new appreciation for all those chill viruses we have out there. Yeah, that's so... Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say chill viruses? I don't think there's such a thing as a chill virus, Roy. No, I think that's where you're wrong, Trevor. There are plenty of viruses out there, just keeping to themselves their stirring up trouble all the time. Like, uh, hepatitis A. I'm sorry, Roy. Are you saying that hepatitis A is a chill virus? Yeah, totally chill virus, trea, calm as hell. Nobody's getting hepatitis A just standing in line at Walmart. Only way you're getting it is if you go out to eat and the cook, cook don't hands after wiping his ass. You don't have to worry about mask or booster shots with

hepatitis A. Just don't order a sloppy Joe at a truck stop and you're good. Well Roy I wasn't planning on it but yeah I see what you're saying you know like maybe we should give credit to all those viruses out there that are less annoying day to day like like what's that virus that causes mono. th. th. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. that th is that th is th is that that that th is th is th is that th is that th is that thus thus thus thus tho. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the today. to to to the to to to to to th day. Like, like what's that virus that causes mono? Oh, you're talking about my boy, Epstein Bar, or also known as the kissing disease. Now, you may not know this, Trevor, but you know why they call it the kissing disease? Because you get it from kissing. It's one of the few diseases where the diagnosis comes with a high five. That's so true, Roy. You know, the doctor's just like, I got good news and bad news. The bad news is you got mono. The good news is my man.

Hell yeah. By the way, did you know that Epstein is named after Jeffrey Epstein and former Attorney General Bill Barr. It's their first collab before Bar killed Epstein in a jail sale. I did not thoooo tho tho tho tho the the the tho the tho their their tho their their tho their thue their thue their their their their first collab before bar killed Epstein in a jail cell. I did not know that, Roy. Well, now you do. I don't preach. I teach. And here's one other virus that I've never really appreciated until Corona came along. Herpes. Huh. I don't know, man. I don't think I'm ready to throw my support behind herpes.

Well, you should be. Did you know, Trevor, 200 million people in this country have herpes, but it's such a chill virus that most people don't even realize they have it. It's just like Cenimac, sitting up there at Channel 637, just minding its own business. Hell, I bet you have herpes. No, I don't, I don't have herpes. I do not, Roy. Statistically, you probably do. I don't, I'm sure that I don't, Roy. Thank you so much. Yeah, look,

it doesn't matter if or how you got herpes, man. The point is, I want to take a moment to apologize to all the chill viruses out there. We took you for granted before, but no longer we appreciate you and all you do for us. From Heppey all the way to Trevor Noah's herpes. Thank you. I do not I do not have herpes. Thank you so much Roy. Let's just cut it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Herpes. Let's just cut his feet. All right. We can just cut out the herpes. All right. We can just cut out the herpes. And when we come back, Ronnie Crancheon. We'll explain. to the thing. the thing he said, the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tap. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. th. th. th. th. th. tha. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. My herpes is on TV? No, I don't have herpes. I'm just saying the thing he said about my herpes is on TV now.

It's confirmed. He has it. Yes. Yes, he does. Okay, just making sure. Welcome back to the Daily Show. If you spent your whole life in America, you might not know what other countries think about this great country. Well, luckily, Ronnie Chang is happy to tell. th. th. th. th. I I the the th. I the th. th. th. th. I the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin, I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi hea hea hea hea thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin. I thin. I thin. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm thin. I'm just thin. I'm just thin thin thin the th. think about this great country. Well, luckily, Ronnie Chang is happy to tell you, in his new segment, America, WCF. As someone who's lived all over the world, it's my responsibility to let Americans know that rest of us think a lot of what you guys think of as the most normal thing ever. But let me assure you, everything about it is crazy. Before the game even starts, everyone has to stand up and sing the national

anthem together. Nobody else on the planet does that. We just assume everyone knows what country they're in before the game starts. And then there's a game itself. First of all, the teams all have like 300 people. That's not a sport. That's an army. There's so many people that everyone has the toe. Like one guy throws the ball, one guy kicks the ball, one guy throws the ball,

to the guy who throws the ball. And speaking of the ball, this isn't normal either. Okay, balls are supposed to be round. That's the main thing that makes it a ball. But in this insane sport, even the ball looks like it has brain damage. And what's if the scoring? Six points for a touch kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick kick to to the ball ball ball. to to to to to to to to to the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball. the ball. the ball. the ball the ball for a touchdown, one point for the kick after you make it, but if you make the same kick before you scored it would have been three points and you can also score a touchdown again after the touchdown, but this time is only worth two points? Who came out of this shit? If you asked me, a touchdown should be worth 100 points. The player deserves it. He basically dodged a mugging with a slippery almond in his head. And 100 points would be way easier to keep up with it and all these other numbers.

How do you people get drunk at these games and still follow along without a spreadsheet? And speaking of drinking, you guys realize how weird tailgating is, right? Like I don't care how you want to brand it. Getting drunk in a in a a a the parking in a the parking in a parking in a parking in a parking in a parking in a parking the parking their their their their their their their their their toycocn. t. toyn. t. t. toyn. t. toyaughea. touchy. touche. t. t. Ia. Iauge. I. Iaug. Iaug. I. Iaug. Iaug. I. Ia. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. touch. touche. te. te. te. te.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.to brand it. Getting drunk in a parking lot isn't a family activity. It's assigned to get your life together. I feel like the whole thing started because a bunch of pickup trucks broke down in a stadium parking lot and they just try to play it off like, oh no no we meant to park you for five hours before the game. But if you're tailgating at the game, better the game, better better better better better better better better better better better better the game, better the game, better the game, better the game, better the game, better to the game, better to the game, better, better, better, better, the game, to to to to to to get, to get a to get a to get a to get a to get to get, to get a to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their life, their thea, their life, their life, their life, their their life, their life, their life, their life, the drinking age. You gotta be 21 to drink in this country? That doesn't make sense. Okay I guess to try to keep college kids from becoming alcoholics or something but I'm pretty sure that experiment has failed. College dorms are so soaked in booze that if you lit a match the whole building would explode.

So maybe you're not going to a game. Maybe you're watching at home instead. In which case, you'll probably see about 50 TV ads for prescription drugs, which I know you think is normal, but trust me, you're the only ones. There's a reason this doesn't happen in other countries. Most of the people watching TV aren't doctors, so there's no reason to market to them directly, especially the way they do it. They're always asking you questions like, hey, are you drowsy or sad or achy or farting? Yes, I'm all those things right now because I'm a fucking person. If someone needs a drug, the doctor will prescribe it. You shouldn't have to ask them

if it's right for you. This doesn't happen in any part of medical care. Okay, there's no TV ads asking you to ask your doctor whether they should should should should and make you cough. Your pervert doctor will do that on their own. Look, do your thing America. Okay, just know that whenever you're ready, you're more than welcome to join the rest of the world and start following soccer, a sport where the ball is round, the scoring is sithings the is simple, and the only thing fans are doing in the parking lot is fighting each other to the death like God intended. Thank you so much for that, Ronnie.

All right, when we come back, Olympic champion, Lindsay Vaughn, will be joining me right here on the show, so don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Show. My guest tonight is Olympic gold medalist and the most decorated female skier of the th thine the thine the thine the thine thine thine the the thine thine the thine thine the thine the thine the thine thi. thine the thi. thi. thi. the the thi. the the thi. thi. the the the the thi. the thi. the the the thi the the thi the the the thi thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the. The the the. the the. the. theateat. theateateateateateateeateateeateate. the the the theateateateate. the the the. the. the. the Daily Show. My guest tonight is Olympic gold medalist and the most decorated female skier of all time, Lindsay Vaughn. She's here to talk about her new memoir, about her record-breaking skiing career and her new journey as an entrepreneur. Lindsay Vaughan, welcome to the Daily Show.

Hey, thanks for having me. I've known you for a few years, so I knew some of the stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories stories the stories the stories the stories the stories the stories the stories the stories, the stories, to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and, and, and to, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the, th....... And, the, the, th. And, the, the, I, the, the, I, the the the th.. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, to. their, this book but like I didn't know how much of a let me choose my words carefully crazy person you were. I was expecting something like that. No no you know why I'll tell you why I'll tell you why because like I struggle to plan what I'm gonna do next week in life you had a 10-year plan to make it to the Olympics and this is a plan a plan as a 9 year... to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to the the to the to to to to to the to to to the the the the the the to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the try. I I but I but I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I try. I try. I'm try. I try. I try. I'm. I'm try. I'm the Olympics. And this is a plan as a nine-year-old, I have to add on top of that. So at nine years old you're like, I want to go to the Olympics in 10 years. Yeah, I mean my dad definitely helped me with the planning. But we had, yeah, I met Pigue Street, my idol when I was nine. Yes. Came home and I was like,, let's make a plan. We printed out calendars. We had highlighters. It was like a whole thing. What are you planning in that 10 years? No, I mean, I know you the greatest, but what takes 10 years?

I need to understand what takes. So when you're nine, you have to like build up a point profile. You know, certain requirements that you have to make in order to kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind kind a racer when he was growing up the junior racer so he knew kind of all the levels that I need to get and you know obviously I had to start expanding my repertoire because I was from Minnesota so 300 vertical feet is not a place where you learn downhill skiing. So we had to move to Colorado when I was 12. It was like you know the 10-year plan plan was extensive. I understand. I mean yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the. the. the. the. the the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the the th. the th. the th. th. th. th. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. know, the 10-year plan was extensive. I understand. I mean, yeah, Minnesota might not have been great for your repertoire, but it was great for preparing you for the doldrums of the cold. Do you even feel cold anymore? I hate the cold? Like, everyone is dying here in

New York. Everyone's freezing. And then today when you came in, oh, she's just going to come in like a tank to come to come to come, summer, summer, summer, summer, summer, summer, summer, summer, to to to to to the summer, to the summer, to to to the to the to to the to to the the to to the to the to to the the the the to the the the the the to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the toeru. But, but toeru. But, but toeru. But, but to-a, but to-a. But, to-a. But, to-a. But, to-a, to'ero'ero' the. But, but thea I hate the cold. You're like the bane of the cold. Ah, bra, brun. Like, that's you. The bane of the cold. You are the bane of the cold. I mean, why don't you think I ski fast? To get out of the cold? Exactly. Literally, I make it to the bottomthe book, you're an interesting human being in that you talk about how like how hard life was for you in some instances. Athletes used to be told, hey don't don't tell people really

depressed, you're gonna lose everything, endorsements, don't people don't want you on a team. You came out and said, hey I'm struggling with depression and this is what I'm doing to the thiiii. thi. thi. to. to. to. to. to. to. toe. toe. toe. the toe. the the thi. thi. their. thrown. their. their thrown. their thrown. thi's thi. thi. their their thi. thi. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their life life life life. their their their thruuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. tryuu. tryu. tryu. tryu. thr-au. thr-au. thr-auu.to the slopes though like life is the scary thing and then you're going down a hill and I don't know how many miles an hour 85 miles an hour 85 miles an hour 85 miles not right correct miles per hour and there's no fear no I mean the skiing was like the most simple thing in my life the easiest thing everything the everything else was hard and skiing was like the most simple thing in my life, the easiest thing. Everything else was hard, and skiing was like my sanctuary. How many times have you crashed? I mean, we don't have enough hours in the show to talk about all the questions.

After the first crash, no fear. No, it's just, that's part of the job, you know, like that's the risk factor in skiing. And that's honestly, the th, thi thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the the thi, the thi, the thi, thi, the thin, thin, they. thin, they. thin. they. thin. thi. the thi. thi. they's, thi. thi. thi honestly one of the things that makes exciting. You know, it wouldn't be exciting if every time you fell, you fell into a pile of pillows. Well, that's what I thought it was. I wanted to go skiing. I don't know how to ski, and I don't know how to ski and I always wanted to learn how to ski. Okay, it's done. And then, and then, and then, no, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, and the, the, the, the, and they.. And, to, to, and to, and to, and to, and to, and to, to, to, to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I to. I to. I to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. to. to. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. see that's ridiculous. No, it's not. Ice is hard. Yes.

Lindsay Vaughn has gone on to inspire so many people. You know, you're mentoring, you know, some of the skiers, some of the athletes who are going to the winter Olympics. You're going to be commentating on that. When you're watching the Olympics, you you have favorites? Do you have sports that you love? Is it always going to be skiing or there's some winter like sports where you're like, nah, this is like my secret passion, like curling is my shit. That's how I roll. I mean, I'm from Minnesota, so curling should be my shit. Okay. But, you know, I always love alpine skiing and I've, thrown. But, theymea's not, sorry. I love, I love, that's, that's not, I'm, that's, throwns. thr-s. thr-s. thinin's, thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. that, that, that, throwns, thoes, thoesk. thr-s, thr-s, thr-s, thin-s, thinat-s. thinat-s. thinat-s. thr-s. thr-s. thr-s. that, that, the that, the the the the thr-s. th. the th. the the th. the th. the the th. th. th. the throwne. throwne. throwne. throooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. to be trying for people that you know I've helped over the last couple years and throughout my career and obviously team USA. Right. But it's also going to

be you know hard a little bit to watch because I'm be miss I will miss competing a little bit. One of the hardest things athletes face is the fact that their careers are essentially over when life sort of begins. Yeah. You know athletes talk about this all the time you know it's you know Chris Bosch, you know whether it's Duane Wade, whether it's yourself, everyone goes, yeah I'm 36 years old, 37 years old and now life is over. How have you dealt with that? It was a tough transition I think the first year was really hard and even though I had th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi- thi- thi- th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. th. th. thi th. thi thi the that the the the the that that that that that that that that thate thateeateateateateat to theat toeat theat theat theat that thate a thate a thate a thate a th It was a tough transition. I think the first year was really hard. And even though I had set up business and I had so much to do, it didn't take away from the fact that, you know,

skiing was gone. It's something that you've done your entire life. And it's not like a career change where you know, you could change your mind and you love to do is no longer possible. Wow. So it was just, I don't know, it was a hard moment for me, but I figured it out and I found new passions and new ways to challenge myself. I think that's the most important thing. You know, athletes are very driven and goal oriented and we just need something.

And we just need something to push ourselves towards. And for me, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's of things that are going on, which, you know, excites me. It's not going 85 miles an hour down a mountain, but, you know, I will make do with what I have. Are there any things that you missed, that you try and apply to your life now? Like I didn't know, for instance, that before you went downhill, you would spitthe,'t know if I was reading that correctly. You you were spitting, yes? All the things to pick out my book, you know, we can talk about spitting. But I just, this is the thing to not, like, I didn't understand this. Well, I don't know, that's just something that I naturally did, but I, it's a thing. Wow. I don't know. Do you do that now before big meetings? No.

I could bring back the throne. No, I don't think the boardroom is meant for spinning. Yeah, you do it outside the boardroom, obviously. I mean, this is a civilized environment. Just outside the border, before try. I'll just do some little Wayne instead. Lindsay Bond, congratulations on writing an amazing book. It's really fun, it's a really inspiring story. I think people will really enjoy it and good luck for the Olympics. Good luck for the world of venture capital and business and hopefully we'll see you again on the show. Thank you. All right people. Lindsay's

Memoir, Rise is available wherever books are sold. We're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. today. Well, that's our show for tonight. But before we go, today is Holocaust Remembrance Day. So, please consider supporting the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum. It's a living memorial that seeks to inspire citizens and leaders worldwide to confront hatred, prevent genocide and promote human dignity. If you would like to help support and leaders worldwide to confront hatred, prevent genocide, and promote human dignity. If you would like to help support their programs, then please donate at the link below.

Until next time, stay safe out there, get your vaccine. And remember, if you're out in the woods and you come across a classroom of students, that's their home, and they're more scared of you than you are of them. Watch the Daily Show, weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central. Endstream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.