The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Back in Black - Perils of the Beach

Episode Date: July 12, 2022

On the hottest days of summer, you could go to the beach. Lewis Black discusses why that may not be the best idea.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day Try it for free at this exclusive web address zip recruiter dot com slash zip zip recruder the smartest way to hire You're listening to Comedy Central It's summertime. It's summertime. It's summertime. That wonderful time of the year when the sun is out. Kids are playing and I sweat so much. My shirt turns into a map of the Middle East.

My nipple is the Gaza Strip. You don't want to go anywhere near it. And on the hottest days, you have a few options. You can hydrate. You can stay indoors, or you could always go to the beach, but only if you want to die. Sharks, summertime, close encounters just feet from shore.

In South Carolina, a shark in knee-deep water just feet away from swimmers. My God! And in New Jersey, a 16-foot great white feasting on a bag of bait before swimming away. This year, Hawaii has already seen twice as many attacks as they did all of last year. And just last week, this great white was tracked near New York's Long Island. When a white shark bites a person, it is a mistake because it thinks that that person is a seal. Wait a minute. So if a white shark's biting you, it's a mistake. But if a black shark gets caught with just a little bit of weed,

it goes to jail for life? That doesn't seem fair. And also, what do you mean if I get bitten? It's because I look like a seal. So now I'm getting eaten and body shamed. Talk about adding insult to injury. And if you're thinking, no problem. I'll just stay in the shallow water where it's safe.

Well, good luck, sucker. There are new concerns about rare but potentially deadly flesh-eating bacteria found in warm waters. Potentially deadly bacteria can enter the body through a cut or a scrape. According to the CDC, the bacteria causes 80,000 illnesses and a hundred deaths in the US every year. Just pay attention, don't be afraid of the ocean, but be aware of what's going on. Be aware! It's going on. Be aware! It's bacteria! What am I supposed to do? Snorkel with a microscope?

At least with a shark, I can hear the fin and the jaws music. I can see the fin. But flesh-eating bacteria is a silent killer like Jason. It's what I've always respected about him. He's in it for the stabbing, not the chit-chat. Also what's with these bacteria? They never eat the flesh that I don't want. How about of my leg, why don't you guys take a nibble on my love handles? That way you still get to eat and I don't look like a seal. So, so it's dangerous in the water. It's dangerous close to the water. And you think you're safe way up on the beach? It's dangerous close to the water. And you think you're safe way up on the beach, you better duck.

A warning about a surprising summer danger, beach umbrellas flying through the air, seriously injuring beach goers. In Ocean City, Maryland in 2015, a bystander filming as the wind picks up these umbrellas and turns them into projectiles. The videos wild and the situations incredibly dangerous. Over the last 10 years, there have been reports of over 32,000 injuries related to umbrellas across the country. Did you see that? It's an umbrella uprising. We always thought it was going to be the robots.

We never suspected the umbrellas. And who can blame them for organizing? We try? We? We? We? the. We the. We the. We the the the the the the to be the robots. We never suspected the umbrellas. And who can blame them for organizing? We treat them like, shit! They only get pulled out in the extreme heat of the rain. We're never like, oh, it's a beautiful day. My umbrella deserves a walk. But on the plus side, if you survive an umbrella impaling, at least you'll never need to buy sunscreen again.

So whether it's sharks or bacteria or umbrellas, everything on the beach wants you dead. But don't worry, kids. You can just simulate the experience at home. Just turn off your air conditioning. Stand in the tub with a Pina Calata and shove a fist full of sand up your ass. Happy summer, everybody! The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition.

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