The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Bagels vs. Croissants I Hold Up with Dulcé Sloan & Josh Johnson

Episode Date: July 8, 2023

“I like the flakiness. I like the butteriness. I like the versatility of a croissant.” -Dulcé Sloan“Croissants…too flimsy…they don't have the structural integrity to uphold the meats and cheeses that we want to use to make them a sandwich.” - Josh JohnsonIt's bagels vs. croissants this week on Hold Up with Daily Show correspondent Dulcé Sloan and writer Josh Johnson. May the best bread win.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey everybody, welcome to Hold Up. I am one of your host. I'm Josh Johnson. I'm a writer-day show, but I'm joined by... How are you going to... Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no. How are you going to interrupt the whole time, but then what I clearly tee you up, I so clearly teed up for you to say your name and what you do and that you're a co-host? This is where you wanna take a pause. Because I was chewing.

Tell the people who you are. It is me, do say slow. They call me spicy cow dung rope. Okay, so this show is, it's, it's normally, it's normally a back and forth, a debate, and sometimes an intense battle between two friends who are diametrically opposed in a lot of ways that don't matter to anyone but us. Yeah they can save the last dance and Josh is Julia Stiles. Like what? There's no amount of needless and random shots you won't take. What? I don't even know what you mean. Live your dreams! of needless and random shots you won't take. What, I don't even know what you mean. Live your dreams.

So today on the show, we're gonna be talking about something that we're very passionate about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is something that in the world of bread, these are two juggernauts. I don't know how we landed on opposite sides of this, but it's fine. We'll make it through and we'll learn more about each other in the process. Today we're talking about chasants versus bagels. Brah, brap, pick your size, baby. It's this war!

Go ahead and tell the people what side you landed on. I'm on chrysants, like a good Christian would be. I'm on bagels like a reasonable person. You're right, there's a lot of Christians that are giving us a bad name. Very unreasonable. Not helping, at all. They're not paying attention to the book. How did you get here? How'd you get to this wayward place where you you you you you you the you the the the you the the to to to to to to the book. How did you get here? How'd you get to this wayward place where you're on the side of croissant over bagel? One we have to remember, as we learned in the last episode. Okay.

I'm not really a bread person. Yeah. So I have the things that I like. And it usually comes to consistency. Mm-hmm. and it usually comes to consistency, texture, and depth. Because usually, if you see me with a piece of bread, I probably smushed it flat. Doesn't matter how flat it is, I'm gonna make it flat. I don't know why. Okay. When it comes to a quasson.

Mm-hmm. One. Layers, we've all seen British Breaking Show. Okay. When it comes to a quasson, one, layers, we've all seen British baking show, okay, you got to do the laminations, okay? You got to fold and fold, you got to roll and fold, you got to tuck that butter in, okay? To get those crispy flaky layers. Now Americans Pillsbury has given us the crescent rule because they try to act like we can't say quasson or a croissant but American and Pillsbury just went just call it a crescent we're not we're not we're losing this fight right? All right so I like the flakiness I like the versatility of a croissant versatility.

Why are your eyes getting big? What's wrong with you? Listen? No, no, no. I'm excited to hear how this is, I just want, I want you to finish. I'm excited to hear what you have to say next. You can do a crescent sweet, like a pot in the chauk alasant. Or you can do a cressant sav Throw some ham and cheese on the beach.

I love one of my favorite breakfasts growing up was the chrassant sandwich from Burger King. So my preference when it comes to breakfast breads, above all else, is crassant... Why are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing so hard? Are you saying that shit enjoy a croissant from Burger King?

You bastard. You bastard. Oh, why? Because you was a McMuffin nigger. Is that what it was? You know what? Now I know how you feel when I attack you. Because this laughter feels like a thousand daggers going into my heart. You are laughing me like somebody who's pronounced a fancy word incorrectly.

Like I was sitting in a fine dining establishment in order to fillet mignine. That's how you're laughing at me right now. Somebody who went into a five-star Michelin restaurant and was like, yo, can I get a bottle of your pin it nor? That's how you laughing at me. Like a redneck who just got lotto money and decided to go somewhere expensive. Okay, okay, okay. You were not laughing me like that from a best western hotel room. Okay, okay.

Keep going, keep going. No, no. Why are you laughing so hard? I didn't say anything to evoke this kind of reaction. Because your laugh sounds elitist. You just got money. Is that, is that. Fuck you gosh.

You've never laughed at me in my life like this. I have never felt this way. It's everything that you're saying because I initially laughed, but then you just kept doing jokes to my lap. So then that kept being funny so it's now I've laughed myself out of whatever I was laughing at because now you've laughed at three other things like not other things oh god no keep going keep going for real for real I don't want to

oh no no no no keep going I will to keep going I will't want to. Oh, no, no. No, keep going, keep going. I will reserve all judgment and all, at all reactions until you're completely done. I just enjoy a flaky pastry. And my favorite breakfast food was a croissant sandwich for Burger King with the little hash brown around. I like those. I just enjoy a cressant because I don't really like, like, like, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, keep, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm keep keep going, I'll, I'm keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, I'll, I'm keep going, I'm keep keep hash brown around. I like those.

I just enjoy a chrysat because I don't really like, you know, I'm not a fan of toast. English muffins are fine. My grandma used to make those for us when we were a kid. But it's like, it's one of those breakfast foods. It's like, okay, this isn't gonna be super fucking dry. Yeah. I can put cream cheese on this. I this. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu, thus, thu, thus, thus, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thus, thus, that, that, that, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I'm, th. I'm, th. I'm that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, this. I can put jelly on this. It was also kind like sometimes it was like a treat. Like my mom used to buy, there was one summer, her and my aunt Bibbit found some place, I don't know, they would always find these

like a discount store or something. Yeah, yeah. But it was like discount, I just kind of like a dented can store, but it was next door to the bread house. And like okay for those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those those th th th th th th th those th those th those tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho threat. It was like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. th. th. Like, th. Like, sometimes, like, like, th. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, discount. I just kind of call it like a dented can store, but it was next door to the breadhouse. And like, okay, for those that don't know, they had breadhouses in Louisiana, right? I guess so. I guess so it's a, so is it, when you say a bread house, do you mean like a baunt. So is it, when you say a bread house used to have like an outlet. You know the people that do like the coffee cake and donuts and shit Yeah, they would have their own kind of like outlet store. I feel like there was one of those but I I think it's not around anymore. But like you could get like my mom used to come home with a fucking loaf of bread. That I promise you was like a foot and a half long and And I was like, who the fuck's going to eat all this bread?

So she don't have to freeze it. Otherwise it would just go bad. Yeah. She came home one time with like a five pound bag of chicken nuggets. But they were like the high quality chicken nuggets because they weren't pre-cooked. Oh, yeah. So you really had to put them like, don't fuck around with these. These are not cooked.

Yeah. And then she had a bag of like frozen fresh cressants. Like basically it was like the dough. And they had like the instructions for like how to do your own egg wash and all this other stuff. And so it was just one summer me and my brother would just, you know, every couple of days. Well, you probably had it almost every day, I didn't, but, the best time we knew how to cook, but it was grab a couple of them crows and chrassons, put him in an oven for a little bit,

take them out, do an egg wash. Though then there was the fucking, the high quality chicken nuggies. And that was either breakfast, I was like, they, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, the, th. I, the, th. I was, th. I was, the, the, the, the, the, that, that, the, the, the, the, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab, grab. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the trio. summer vacation because it's basically what, you know, that was my snack every day. Yeah. That makes sense. But I was like in like, I think it was like eighth grade, ninth grade or some shit like that. So let's, let's take a step back for a second then.

Because what I, what I cannot do is sit here and act like I also don't enjoy a croissant. Yes. Okay? I'm not going to, this is not like in past discussions where we have liked something that the other person found absolutely disgusting. This, this is the thing. Crescent, yes, flaky. Yes, when done right, buttery, and when done right and broken apart, you can truly see the layers and you can truly see the layers and you can eat it in sections.

Yes, I like that. Yeah, to me, that's like the mark of a perfectly baked croissant. Yes. The reason that I think that bagels are superior. You use that word a lot. I think that bagels edged out over cressons is because... You've been brainwashed by New York.

Go ahead. Wow. You brought up the structure, versatility, and the way in which it can perform as a sandwich. And to that, I say that bagels are always going to edge out over croissants because croissants, a lot of them are too flimsy, a lot of them are too flaky, that they don't have the structural integrity to uphold the meats and cheeses that we want to use to make them a sandwich. But what you have to remember is if you're using a bagel as the buns, your bread of a sandwich, yeah. There's a whole. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thathea, thatole, thi. thathea, thathea, thoan, that, that, a thi. thi. thi. thi, a thi, a thi, thi, thi, th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that sandwich, there's a hole in the middle.

Okay. So, you're gonna, you're not gonna get that 360 pressure, okay? You're gonna push, things are gonna shoot up the sides. You're not gonna have the overall. It's, that also, that's a big bite. Like with a bagel, it It's I'm not a fucking copperhead. Why am I unhinged my jaw? Oh, then you're doing it wrong because you have to get the bagel toasted and pressed. All right.

See, but if I order a bagel... Wait, what do you mean pressed? So when they toast them, there's two ways to toast a bagel. You can either pop it in the toaster and get a little toasty on either side and then put your jam or put your butter or whatever. Or you can have the whole thing pressed so it's a little bit flatter. So now you're not biting more than the consistency of a sandwich. You're not biting over the level. You're not trying to bite a whole wall where you try to bite into the bagel.

Okay, here's my other question. I'll see people, they'll get a bagel, cut it in half, and then start pulling the bread out of the bagel. Okay. So, what's that called? I don't know what that's called. I've seen some people do it. I don't do th th that because that because that because that because that because that because that because that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that called? I don't know what that's called. I've seen some people do it. I don't do that because I actually want my bagel. That's someone who is living a half in half out lifestyle. Okay? That's someone that doesn't want to acknowledge just eat the bagel. Yeah, yeah. I don't get that. Cutting it in in half and then ripping out the parts and then putting stuff in or just eating it after you've ripped out the actual bread. Because bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. th. th. th. that. that. that. that. that. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. the bag. th. the bag. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's get that, cutting it in half and then ripping out the parts and then putting stuff in or just eating it after you've ripped out the actual bread. Because it sounds like you just want the skin of a bagel. That's someone, yeah, and skin of a bagel sounds like a serial killer. Ooh, you could make just coming out wearing your fucking bagel skin so.

The bagel skin killer. Yes! Right, just find out there's people that do that, and then they just take it and then they have a whole leather face fucking mask of just different types of bagels they've sewn together. And you know he came? Because at the scene of every murder is the seasoning from bagels they've sewn together. And you know he came? Because at the scene of every murmur is the seasoning from a everything bagel. There's just sesame seeds all over the place.

Just poppy seeds everywhere. Poppy seeds everywhere. Ugh, fucking nonsense. Just the New York nonsense around a fucking bagel is just exhaustor. Like the way people are just so pressed about like a New York style bagel and this and I'm just like, it's hot bread. I don't want to, I'm tired of these things. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. I don't want to do this anymore. It's like, you know, our bagels are the best. Yeah, but your infrastructure is crumbling.

Who gives a fuck? You own nothing. You don't own a motherfucking thing in your life. You are 50 years old, you don't own anything. You need to get your life theiiiiaaaaqcoccoccocc-a. their their their their their their their their their their their their, you need to get your life choices better together. I don't understand it. I don't understand the mystique or any of it. It's I don't get it.

It's like the way people talk about pizza. It's like, oh, New York pizza, who gives a fucking fuck? It's hot bread with sauce on it. I don't, I just, I don't get get it. is what I'll say about the New York thing is not part of my argument because to me the New York bagel is part of the bagel folklore, but it's not why I love bagels. So geography, because like do they actually taste different? That actually is a real thing. Depending on the water and depending on the way that someone

makes it will make it taste different, which is why sometimes people get in uproar that are from New York when they have the the bag the bag the bag the bag the bag the bag the bag the bag the bag the bag their their their their their their their their their their their the bag the bag the bag the bag the bagel. the bagel is the bagel is the bagel the bag the bagel is their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their bag. their bag. their bag. their bag. their bag. their bag. their bag. their bagel. their bagel. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their bagel fagl on the way that someone makes it, will make it taste different, which is why sometimes people get in a uproar that are from New York when they have other bagels. I guess the thing can be said about anything. It's like, okay, this beef was grass fed and this beef ate, you know, insulation, I don't know. Yeah, no, no, it can be said about anything. And I will even go this this this this this this thia thua thua thua thage thusk, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, to be th, to be to be thi, to be to be to be to be to be to be th, th, th, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, toe, thei, thei. they. they. they. th. that, that, that, that, that's that's that, that's that's, that's th said about anything. And I will even go this far. It's not as noticeable to me when I'm having a bagel from New York versus a bagel from somewhere else

that I'm like, I'm not, it's not ingrained in my taste buds, or I'm having a New York bagel right now versus anywhere else. I think that for me, it's, it's bagels have a better structural hold for sandwiches than croissants do............. But, but, but, I. What. What. What. What. What. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that, I. that, I is. that, I is. that, I is. that, I is, I is, I is, I is, I is, I is, I is, I, I'm that is, I'm that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to that is, I is, I is. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. they. they. they. they. the th the th th th thii. th to me is, I's thi. thi. thi. sandwiches than croissants do to me. Because I think that having bacon, egg, and cheese on something, a bacon egg and cheese croissant is falling apart quickly, especially if it's a cressant that's cooked well, if it's not one of these doughy, fake cressons. I have had a bad prasson, and I've had a bad bagel. And I've been more pissed had a bad croissant and I've had a bad bagel and I've been more pissed about a bad crossant than I've ever been about a bad bagel. Just mad. Now was where'd you get this because I've had recently had three bad

cresants in three different places? No No, two of them were my fault. Two of them were truly on me. Because one, I got in an airport. And that's the one where I had it where it was bad. Yeah, airport is the thing about airport croissants is that they're either, no matter what you do, they're going to be bad because Because they're either bad because the little bakery that the airport has isn't a real bakery, or because they're prepackaged croissants. And they're super fucking dry. Yeah, yeah.

So in my opinion, when I've had prepackaged bagels, I still got the same bagel thear, and hold for my sandwich that I needed. I'll say the only bagel that I've I've I've I've I've I've I've the the th I've the the the the the th I've the that I needed. I'll say the only bagel that I've ever truly enjoyed have been from Panera bread. Only because I haven't eaten a lot. I don't eat bagels on a regular basis. I think for me again it's a texture thing. It's... It's too much bread. Like usually when I get a bagel I only want half a bagel. I've never eaten a whole bagel and been like yes 90% of the time if I'm eating a bagel it's because I need to eat something. Okay so do you

think that if someone gave you that now now I want to I'm try to make this as fair as possible because I understand whatto, I'm trying to make this as fair as possible, because I understand what you're saying about too much bread, because I've also had times in my life where I had a bagel that I couldn't finish. If you had a bagel cut in half, toast it, we each got it toast it, we each got it buttered. Does that change your opinion on bagels at all? Where's the rest of the stuff? When you say the rest of the stuff, I was just making it a buttered bagel because you

talked about a butter. Fuck that. No. I need more from a bagel. If I'm eating a bagel, there there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the the the the the the the the th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. the. the. th cream cheese or peanut butter has to be. I will not eat a bagel if there's no cream cheese or peanut butter. I won't do it. Cut a bagel half, put in a toaster for a little bit, then put some butter on it, put it back in the toaster. That's a toasty and then I'm going to put on some cream cheese and some jelly and a little pepper, strawberry jelly specifically. Or I'm gonna do peanut butter. If I'm doing peanut butter, I might do a little honey with it,

I might not. But the wildest, you're gonna hate this, oh people are gonna hate this. So say this is my bagel, right? Yeah. I took the bagel and then I cut it, the length ways. So You know how you cut a bakel open, bam? Mm-hmm. Then, so I got it, so I cut it, watch Josh, bam. Then I was like, man, I kept smushing and smushing and smushing this bagel and it wouldn't get flat. So then I had to cut it in half

again. So then I had like four slices. Your face is wild. They just reminded me, I need to check on my tomogachi. I think it's dead. So, you know, and what did you want out of this? At one point I was like, I got too much bagel now. But I had too much bagel to start with, which is why I cut it up in so many pieces. And then those middle pieces that were just, you know, I put those in the toaster and then the heels, I ate them, but I didn't want to.

Oh, my God. Well, it took me all day to eat this bagel because I didn't want to waste it. But you just wanted to mutilate it. Not be, honestly, it put me in the mind of like bagel chips. Because, you don't me have them them them the them have have have have have the the them them them, you have them, them, them, thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, thi, but I thi, thi, but I thi, but I thi, but I thi, but I thi, but I them, but I them, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I, but I thing, thi, thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin, thoes, thoes. thoosan, thoosan, thoosan, thoosan, thoosan, thooes. I thooes. in the mind of like bagel chips Because you know we have a bagel chip and you have like The whole middle or just like the middle of a bagel. Yeah, that's what I had. Okay. I really enjoyed it because it got very crispy and then I put my cream cheese on it. It was nice So if anyone out there is listening there's definitely a market for a quarter of the

sized bagels. That's why many bagels, I love many bagels. Yeah, many bagels. And then I, here's the thing I will throw out there for a second. Crescents have a very short, the ones that are made right. They have a very short, especially the ones that are made right, they have a very short shelf life. You gotta eat them when you get them. You gotta eat them when you get them. Bagels, not so much.

But there's something in bagels, I think maybe because of the butter content of a bagel. And maybe it's because of like the fact that they're boiled in like a baking soda solution to get like the outside to get that skin on it and then they bake them. There's not a lot of butter and a bake, there's a bunch of butter and a croissant and I think this would shorten the shelf life of it. But speaking the longevity right here, but it's speaking the longevity. Bagels got that longevity. So if you don't, let's say you are in a situation where you're like, the, the, thin, thin, the, thin, thin, thin, the, thin, the, th, the, the, thin, th, their, their, their, their, their, th, th, th, the, their, their, their, their, their, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's a bunch, there, there's a bunch, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a bunch, there's a half will be waiting for you when you get back. But it's never good when you cut it. Why don't you break the seal on a bagel? I disagree though. I feel like it depends on what side you eat. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. What? What? What did you break a seal on a bag? Then it's not a glad bag. Break the seal on the bagel. When'd you slice it open like the half-life starts kicking in. But like I love old man like you know you ever gotten like the big thing of croassan from like a croagre's? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You can't do that with crosson. Oh them like like like like th. T th. T th's like. T's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's not. It's not the that's not. It's not th's not. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thag- it's not a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th's the th's the th's th's th's th's not th's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that. It's the big thing of croissants from like a Kroger's? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about. You can't do that with Kras. Oh, them shit's last though. Them big ones that come from the Kroger last?

The big, wait, the big chasants that come from the Kroger last. In the big conceder that one is in like the cake bin? Them last now! How long do you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you the the do you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thin th thin thin thin' thin' thin' thin' thin. thin' thin' thin' thin' th. th. th. th. thin' th. Ten th. Ten th. Ten th. Ten. Ten. Ten. Ten th. Ten th. Ten th. Ten last last last last last last last th. Ten, th. Ten, th. Ten, th. Ten, th. th. thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the the come the come the coe coa' thea' thea' thinnn' thea' thea' thinn' thea' thea' the coa' to last? I'm just saying throughout the week, okay, so I will buy maybe five in that little packet, that little packet bag of five and then have one every day, and by the fifth day, that fifth one is still good because the actual expiration date on is for like two weeks. Listen, here's the thing, I could never eat a bagel one day after the other. I'd, one bagel in a week, maybe two. But day after day after day after day of a bagel, nah. Look, let me tell you what kept me filled when I didn't have money in the bank. All right?

Listen, these are this, I hear you. No, I'm just saying I enjoyed it though. It wasn't some like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. I, th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, th Listen, these are just, I hear you. No, I'm just saying I enjoyed it though. It wasn't some like, oh I'm struggling thing. I was like, man, I get a bagel every day. It's not, but you prefaced it with the struggle. I know, but I'm saying I only even thought to do it because I was like, oh, this is cheap and it's good. So you just learn to buy groceries? I mean, this th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm, th. I'm, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. I'm th. I'm the. I'm thee. I'm theee. I'm thean. I'm the. I'm the. the. the. I'm thi. I'm th this was like right out of college, so yeah. Hmm. I guess I always had like, I don't know, I always had like decent jobs. I don't know.

What I'm saying is that a bagel every day is too much for me. One thing I can say is this has been one of the tamestthink that. Because you have been really coming from my neck. Because you really are like, I'm in this to win it. I am superior. My thing is a superior race. So I'm just trying to, I'm like, man man I'm so glad that Josh is just taking it easy because you were being aggressive which I'm so glad to see. Aggressive Josh is one of my favorite Josh is but you know you have not swayed me on the bagel. I can't believe I haven't. I feel I have a return. All you said you go is mush it flat. I give you te you te you te. I give you texture. I you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you the you you you you you you you you you you you you you the the the the the you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th te te te te te te te te te te te te te te te their their their their their their their the bagel. I can't believe I haven't. I feel like that's your turn.

All you said you go to mush it flat. I gave you texture, I gave you flavor, and you just said, it's good meal for poor people. That's what you say. Okay, look, if you want to talk about texture, yeah. You really want to get into texture. There are so many flavors of bagel that will give you everything you will ever need from

texture and bread and flavor. So you're saying that the texture chains based on the flavor of the bagel? Mm-hmm. It depends. Some of them do. Like I think I've never had a problem biting into a cinnamon raisin bagel in the same way that sometimes in everything bagel can be a bit tough. And I think it's because in the preparation for making a cinnamon raisin bagel, they're like, a lot of people aren't going to be making bacon, egg, and cheeses with these. So we can chill. We can just let people cut it in half and spread some jam on it and go to work.

So you're saying that a cinnamon bagel, because it's not going to be through the rigors, the work, it's not going to be called in an active duty to become a sausage egg and cheese, a bacon egg and cheese, a locks and cream cheese situation. It can be more dainty, more delicate because it's not going to be called to withstand being a sandwich, while these other flavors, like a plain bagel, knows that he's in the trenches. Mm-hmm. Okay. You know who's not calling to be in the trenches? Who? A croissant? No one is asking a chrassant to be in the trenches? Who?

A croissant! No one is asking a chrysant to live like that. You understand? A chrassant's always living a light lifestyle. Oh, get the hell out of here. Oh my god. I made Josh Cuss! I made Josh! Josh Cuts! D-Din-Din! I'm telling you right now that what a croissant can't do is anything but lay there and

be buttery and flaky, all right? When you try to make a sandwich... Wow, are you saying that a croissant is a pillow princess? Is that what you're saying? One hundred percent? I'm saying it lays there like a starfish and it doesn't put in any work. No? how dare you? You brought this out. You know, you ask for this because this is a thing. I let it go before when you were like, oh, when you make a sandwich out of a bagel, there's a hole in the middle. Let me tell you something right now. The shape of a cressant means that a whole bunch of lettuce of a cressant means that a whole bunch of lettuces, a whole bunch of arugolas, a whole bunch of hams are going to be getting missed by some bread. That's because you're not getting a right-sized cressant. I have had cressant because you can

make a cressant flat. If you're dealing with the crescent, you ever, because the thing is there's those long cressants, right? And then there's the one thinne is the one is the one is the one is the one is the one the one their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their there's the one that they make more squat, right? They make it more round because they know all they do is turning these cressants and the sandwiches. Okay? There are certain crisps, just like there's certain bagels that have different, you know, they're doing a different thing, based on the flavorings, a quescent, based on what it's doing, you can make a ham and trees cressant while the cressant is in the process of becoming a cressant. So you can integrate the ham and upon the chocolate lock

is because you put a chocolate bar inside of a cassan, and you put it and you change the shape of it, right? Okay, so now it's baked in. All right. That's something different that's slicing a croissant open and swip a nuttel on it, bitch. When you're making a cressant and you put the ham and cheese while it's in the process when it's a wee girl, okay? When it's step one at the bakery and they sitting up folding and laminating and making them layers and you throw the

ham and cheese in like that, boom! You've never had a ham and cheese where ham and cheese is part of the bagel from day? Okay. No one's putting fillings and bagels all day. I get, yeah, but wait, what? Yeah. This is my thing. This is where I'm asking where I maybe got lost. I'm saying that if we're talking about these two things as sandwiches, usually a bagel will cover more ground than a crescent.

And I'm saying depending on the shape of the croissant, yeah. You're gonna get different outcomes. But that's what I've watched though. When you go to Starbucks, when you go to some of these bakeries that have the little display sandwich, and they have almost completely a rectangular or square cut of meat, but they have the triangle crassant, in my head, I'm like, I I I'm like, I'm like, like, I'm like, like, like, like, like, like, I'm like, like, like, like, th.... th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, th, th, th, thin, the, the, the, that, the, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th................. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, thr. to, to, toeeea, toea. toea. toea. toea. thea. thea. the. the. the. th. the triangle croissant in my head. I'm like why would anybody want that? You have to then fold it yourself into itself just to eat it like a sandwich

I hear what you're saying. Yeah when you try to put a square into a triangle you're gonna have two flaps of meat That are just waving, but it's just like when you get a bagel sandwich and lettuces and you've got square cheese on a round bagel, you've got square meats on a round bagel, you've got lettuce shapes on a round bag. Stuff hangs out on a bagel sandwich too. Not as much though. Listen, you're not fucking with the right kind of croons, baby. I love a chicken salad on a croissant. Like a chicken salad sandwich on a croissant? That sounds like too much for me.

I mean you love spaghetti so of course it is. What I'm saying is that, you're a simple man, Joshua. You's a simple man, Joshua. Well, I, on the other hand, enjoy a decadent, opulent life. Well, look. Of chrassants, lasagna, and vanilla ice cream. You sound insane at the moment. Listen, when don't I?

Well, that's why you're friends with me. Because I say wild, say if I was as logical as you, this would not be any fun. Sure, but I'm sad. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. If I made as much sense as you did all the time, you wouldn't like that. I think, this is what I think, this is what I think, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, th, I th, I th, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th is th is th is what I, th is what I th is what I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th the time, you wouldn't like that. I think, this is what I think, this is what I think is happening right now. Because you're losing, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no, trust me.

I'm still with it. You're not doing as well as you think, you know? Listen, I don't think I'm doing bad. Oof. Listen, I don't think I'm doing, it doesn't matter how well I'm doing, I don't think I'm doing bad. Mm-hmm. Well, I think that you have mistaken the poor knockoffs of croissants.

You're conflating them with the actual cressants. Because with bagels, there's a level of uniformity where I know I'm not eating a fake bagel, okay? These crescent rolls, these Burger King sandwich, cressant, cheese, like abominations, those things. I'm gonna stop you right there. Do I eat crescent rolls? No, because I know it's American foolishness, okay? I've never made them. I've never tried to make them. Unless somebody's making pigs in a blanket, I'm not eating a crescent roll.

I'm going to get your real bakery, fluffy cressant. But chrassants do come in different shapes, but I will not sit here and let you slander the Burger King Crescent. Because that, that right there, that's a sturdy, thick-assant that's holding up to sausage egg and cheese and bet, it's not a thin, flimsy crosant, it's the thickest casson I've ever laid my good American eyes off. It's a Brazilian buttthickest chrasson I've ever laid my good American eyes on. It's a fifth cressant.

It's a Brazilian butt lift of chasants. Whoa, whoa, see, you say, you can't say I say, wow shit, because I'm gonna tell you this. The number of times I've had bagels and thought I was eating wax, okay? The number of times I went to cut into a bagel and it pushed back at a knife and said, no, thank you. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. One of the whole, I'm telling you, the number of offices that I have worked at, there's

never a time in your life to make you rethink your decisions when you were trying to cut a military grade fucking bagel with a plastic kitchen knife have a break wrong. There is nothing to make you rethink your decisions like trying to cut one of these W.W.E. Hulcamania fucking bagels with a plastic fork? Have you ever tried to cut a pickle with a plastic fork and realize you was cutting for too long? With a plastic knife? No, because I don't do that. I don't bring plastic knives to real knife fights, all right? Oh, no, no, no, no.

And then blame the bagel. Hold on. I don't bring plastic knives because the knife in my purse is metal. I'm talking about the knife in the break room. That's just because you weren't adequately set up for success, you can't then blame the bagel. Bread should be able to be cut by serration, okay? If you out here with these industrial bagels, then you need industrial equipment. I should have been given... I agree, but you can't blame the bagel. But the bagel was wrong, okay? You got the tha that you need industrial equipment.

I agree, but you can't blame the bagel. But the bagel was wrong, okay? You got this fake ass. No. The bagel being himself, all right? You over here try to change the bagel, okay? How can't you be like this? Why can't you be a real bagel?

You out here being cheap? It's obviously that your yeast cheap, your flour reused, okay? Bagel out here looking like it was reconstituted. All right? Fucking freeze-dry bagel. No, I have gone toe toe with a bagel and I don't want to do it again. The crumbling, okay, dust everywhere. You go to bite down, huh? It goes, ah. Open your mouth back up. Don't put me in there. The number of times I had a bagel so dry. Ain't enough cream cheese on this good world.

On this soon to be doomed planet. For some of these bagels out here. Don't you act like all these bagels are good, they are created equal? Don't you do that? Don't you dare do that? Rude. So you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna kick it over to the listeners.

That's what's gonna happen because this is truly, an impasse. An impass, because it's like all we can do is sling insults and that's not what I want to do. What I want to do is take a nap. So what's not going to happen is you to continue, there's no fake cressants, right? In the same way that I don't think that there's fake bagels. I don't think that there's fake baked goods. Now do I feel like they are made at different qualities? Yes. Like everything.

You know, sometimes you're out here fucking with the best, sometimes you've got to offshoot. All right? Sometimes you're having fine dining experiences, and sometimes you're in a drive-through. It is what it is. But we have to say that we have our preferences and yours are usually wrong. Wow. Mm-hmm. I knew you'd sneak it in. Listen, you started it. I knew you take the last opportunity. You'd be completely reasonable and then at the last second you would slap the books out of my hand. Yo, there is nothing funnier than slapping the books out of somebody's hands. I don't know why it's so funny.

It's very funny because when you get the books slapped out of your head, the first thing you do is look down between your open arms of the books. And that is funny. Now listen, in your life, have you had the book slapped out more or have you slapped more more or have you slapped more books? Look at who you're talking to. Why would you even ask me that? Because I want to know what the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the answer the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tha.a. tha. tha.oa.oa.oa.oa.oa. tha. thaua. tha. tha. their their their their their their their the're talking to. Why would you even ask me that? Because I wanted to know what the answer was. Because I wanted to know that I was accurate.

But I can say that I'm a strong 50-50 for book slapping and book slapped out of hand. But I can't say it's always been in jest. So yeah, listen, I did what I always do. I showed you that I'm a reasonable person who can agree with opinions that are stated as facts when you are always going to say that I live a wild and chaotic life because I like the things that I like. So I can say that you are out of your damn mind. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

You eating the bagels like sucking on a sweater. We're fully aware of this. What are you saying right now? So we're gonna throw it to the listeners. I realize I laugh way more on this than you do. I realize I laugh way more on this than you do. I try so hard this episode to really find some common ground. We did! I tried to offer up nuanced takes and opinions. And still, and still, and still, and still, to the last.

What? You come for me. What? And you attack the things I love. And you put them down in a way that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that's that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is, that is love. And you put them down in a way that is, that is, that is, that's like cartoonish. It's not like second-on sweater at all. Nope. Not like that. Like a cat making biscuits. Not like that. Not like that. Like a cat making biscuits. Not like that either. It is a delicious tree. It's a delicious tree. It's a way. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's th. It's th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way. It's a way the all. Like a cat making biscuits. Not like that either. It is a delicious treat. It's a way to start your day. It's a way to have a sandwich.

All right? Just get sliced bread. Why you in here putting earmuffs on meat and cheese? Fucking insane! So we just want to say, thank you all so much for listening. We appreciate you and we hope that you have a great time hearing our chat back and forth about this thing that one of us is very passionate about and one of us is very wrong about, okay?

Who's passionate? This is never going to be a safe space to express by opinion because Josh starts out by saying that his position is superior at the beginning of every single episode. This is the 1,483rd episode of this podcast. And Josh Johnson, every single time, talks about how his position is superior. Listen, I did not sit up and do 8,000 episodes of this podcast to be treated this way. Okay, we've been recording this podcast since 1976. I do not understand why I have been subjected to such treatment.

Everything that you have said is demonstrably false. Like I can't even be, okay, first of all, I opened up the episode by saying, I can't hate on chrassons, I can't act like I didn't love the profession. You did, you said you can't hate on it and then called yours superior. I said, I said it edges it out. Listen, it's okay. You tell me it's okay. After everything this episode, you're gonna sit here and be like, it's okay. What?

By the end of every episode, I feel like a crazy person because you've taken me to a place that I had no intention of going. But this is actually the most docile one we've had. Sure. In a long time because the last one you were, Spaghetti versus Lazziahia, you didn't know what to do with yourself. I didn't know what to do with yourself. I didn't know what to do with myself. Have a great rest of the day and a wonderful weekend. Looney tunes! Now you're just saying things, like I have no context. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching the Daily Show,

wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast.