The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Biden Challenges Trump To Debate | Amy Ryan

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

Desi Lydic tackles Biden & Trump’s feisty calls for a pre-election debate without worm-ridden opponent RFK Jr., Michael Kosta proposes we use the presidential debate as a geriatric fitness test, and King Charles sees red in his first portrait as king. Then Jordan Klepper and Ronny Chieng host a new segment called "Sports War," where they debate the hottest sports news including Caitlin Clark's WNBA debut, Olympic organizers dealing with a literal river of shit in Paris, the KC Chiefs kicker's misogynist commencement address, and Shohei Ohtani's former interpreter going to trial for embezzling from the LA Dodgers star. The only rule of Sports War? You're not allowed to agree on anything. And Academy Award and Tony-nominated actress Amy Ryan joins Desi to discuss receiving her third Tony Award nomination for playing Sister Aloysius in “Doubt: A Parable,” and having only one week to prepare for the Broadway role. Ryan also alludes to a major plot twist in her Apple TV+ series, “Sugar,” and how the show puts a spin on the classic noir detective narrative.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGID. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election. Economics. Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday?

I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Center, it's America's only source for news. This is the Daily-to-show. I'm Deneleidic. We've got so much to talk about tonight. King Charles gets haunted by his own portrait. Trump and Biden finally set a date

and we find out which bacterial infection is sponsoring the Olympics. So let's get into the headlines. Let's begin with King Charles, the undisputed winner of white privilege. It's been one year since he was crowned eldest boy and he just got the photos developed. Mixed reaction this afternoon on the portrait just unveiled of King Charles. Take a look. It is the first since his coronation.

The oil on canvas work of art features the king dressed in all red with a red background. He's wearing the uniform of the Welsh guards, but there's also a butterfly landing over his right shoulder. Oh, ah, I just remembered, I have to buy tampons. I have to buy tampons. Now obviously, this is a pretty big departure from other portraits of the royal family. For example, Queen Elizabeth was often painted with her beloved corgis. Compare that to For example, Queen Elizabeth was often painted with her beloved corgis. Compare that to Charles, who looks like he was painted

with her corgis once Christy Nome was finished with. I do like having the butterfly there, though. It says, I may be King of England, but I still love that song that goes, come my lady, come my butterfly, come come my lady, you're my butterfly, sugar, baby. It's a great song, it's a really great song, still holds up. Now clearly this painting has gotten a lot of negative feedback, but King Charles swears that he loves the portrait, which probably means he's having an affair with

another portrait on the side. But let's move on from a leader who struggled with infidelity to a leader who has no problem with it at all, Donald Trump. There's been a lot of news on the campaign trail today so let's get right into another edition of Indecision 2024. So it looked like today was going to be a quiet day on the campaign trail. It's Wednesday, so Donald Trump had the day off from his porn star hush money trial, which he was going to spend trying to guess Melania's new phone number. But his arch-nemoist Joe Biden had other plans.

And breaking news, just moments ago, President Biden throws down the gauntlet and frankly some shade to Donald Trump, challenging him to a debate. Donald Trump lost two debates to me in 2020. Since then he hadn't shown up for debate. Now he's acting like he wants to debate me again. Well, make my day, pal. I'll even do it twice. So let's pick the dates, Donald. I hear the dates the dates the dates then then then then, I then, I then, I then, I then, I thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thu thus, I thus, I thus, I thoes, I tho, I thoes, I thus, I tho, I tho, I tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho-a, tho-a, tho-a, tho-a, tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. tho, tho, tho. tho. thooo. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. too. to tho. I hear you're free on Wednesdays. Oh, shit!

Yeah! Now, that's the Joe Biden I know and moderately like. He ain't scared to nothing besides, you know, natural causes. I gotta admit, there was part of me that thought Joe Biden would be afraid to debate Donald Trump, because, you know, debating involves a lot of talking and thinking and standing, but woo! The way that he powered through that 14-second video makes me think he's got this. Now, I don't know exactly why he dropped this challenge now. Maybe he heard all those stories about Trump sleeping through the trial and thought, I can take this guy, we're on the same nap schedule.

But come on, Trump skipped every primary debate like it was foreplay. There's no way he's going to accept Biden's challenge. The former president responded to that video this morning on truth social saying, just tell me when, I'll be there, let's get ready to rumble. Oh shit! It's on! Yeah, let's get ready to rumble. Make my day. I see dead people. I want you to draw me like one of your French girls. Wednesdays we wear pink.

Welcome to Jurassic Park. Yeah, we're making moves now. Biden and Trump have agreed to debate, but they still need to agree on a date and a host. And those logistics don't just come together within 45 minutes. President Joe Biden and Donald Trump have just accepted CNN's invitation to hold a debate on June 27th. That's just in a few weeks. Wow.

Okay, June 27th, Joe Biden is going to be debating Donald Trump. Yay! I can't wait to watch like this. But yeah, everything moved so quickly. Biden dropped that video and by noon they had scheduled two debates. It's amazing how when they want to do something, they can get it done super fast. It kind of makes you a wonder why they don't fix other problems this fast, but whatever. I'll enjoy it. Now, obviously, there are still details to be worked out, because even though Joe Biden

said, make my day, he really meant make my day subject to terms and conditions. The Biden campaign wants a debate to occur inside a TV studio with microphones that automatically cut off when a speaker's time limit elapses and they want it to be just the two candidates and the moderator without the raucous in-person audiences that Mr. Trump feeds on and without the participation of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., or other independent or third-party candidates. Yeah, I get where Biden's coming from on this. You don't want crowds because they give Donald Trump energy, and you don't want RFK Jr. because you can't risk losing to the guy with the brainworms. So they have to work out the details. Trump has to agree to Biden's

stipulations and he might have demands of his own like you know every candidate gets a get out of jail free card or the debate moderator has to be a lady and she has to kiss them on the mouth like the old family food. For more on this looming presidential debate we go live to Michael Costa at CNN headquarters. Michael, how are the candidates preparing? Yeah, both sides are buckling down, Desi. President Biden is doing his classic pre-debate ritual of a glass of hot tea, an IV full of methamphetamines. Meanwhile, Trump's am is teaching him how to dig a tunnel through concrete with a spork, so he'll be able to break out of prison.

Okay, Michael, is all this even necessary? Both candidates have already been president. We're not going to learn anything new about their policies. It's about giving the American people a chance to see which candidate, medically speaking, has the least fucked up body. Neither of them are giving us any details about their physical or mental health, so this is our only chance to get them in a room together and see if they can do presidential tasks, like talk coherently for an hour or not hemorrhage blood through

an orifice. Okay, so you're saying that the American people should see this less as a debate and more as a secret medical exam? Yeah, yeah, yes, which is why I suggest that CNN adds some additional stipulations. For example, the candidates should each defend their tax policy while following this finger with their eyes. Or have them bend down and lift a five-pound kettle bell and see who breaks the least amount of bones. Or bring out one of their grandkids and see if either of them know whose grandkid it is. Or simply just see which one of them can start a lawnmower.

Okay, so basically we evaluate their physical and mental health grand kid it is, or simply just see which one of them can start a lawnmower. Okay, so basically we evaluate their physical and mental health and whoever scores the highest gets to be president. Absolutely not. No, this is all a ruse. Once we get Biden and Trump in a room together, we can lock the door and the rest of us can sneak out of America. Then, then we start a new country with younger candidates, you know, ones whose first kiss wasn't in the backseat of a model T. Okay, but Michael, even if we could do that, at some point Biden and Trump would find their way to this new country, right?

Maybe, but the only entrance will be through a spiral staircase, so good luck. You thought of everything. See in our new nation buddy, Michael Costa, everyone. When we come back, we'll fight about sports, but don't go away. Thank you. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio, on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.

Welcome back to to Daily Show. There's been a lot of sports news recently, so for some thoughtful, nuance debate, we turn to Sports War. Get ready for battle. It's time for... Sports War. Brought you by gambling. It's literally free money. What's up? What's up?

I'm Ronnie Chang. And I'm Jordan Clapper. This is Sports War. The show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. That's right. I mean, that's wrong. Yeah, no, you're wrong. Let's get right to the biggest story of the night. Caitlin Clark made her pro-debue and learned everything gets a little less fun after college.

Welcome to the WNBA, Caitlin Clark. The NCAA's all-time division one scoring leader made her professional debut on the road with the Indiana fever last night. She got off to a slow start, though, missing her first four shots before scoring on a lay-up midway through-t quarter. Clark finished with 20 points in the fever's 92 to 71 lost to the Connecticut son. She also committed 10 turnovers. Sorry, feminists. Ten turnovers and a team lost by 20 points in her first game. I've seen enough man. I think Caitlin Clark is the worst basketball player in history.

She's tall, she's white, and she didn't show up when it mattered. She's the Jordan Clepper of the WNBA. Well, Raleigh, Raleigh, Raleigh, I'm gonna hit you with my car and leave the scene. Let's look at the stats here, Rottie. Look at these things. more than Michael Jordan had in his rookie debut, which, mathematically, makes her stronger, faster, and better equipped to open a steakhouse than Michael Jordan. Oh, yeah, you're talking about stats. I have a stat right here for you, okay?

Look at this, Jordan Clepper, didn't lose his virginity until he was 38. Then, you're the goal of whatever that is. Okay, in a way, here's your stat right here, eat shit, okay? Moving on. We are officially 72 days away from the Olympics in Paris, and the organizers are finding themselves in deep duty, literally. There's a huge effort to get the river Senn fit for use in the Olympic Games. A report from earlier this month of the bacteria, including pollution of fecal origin was far higher than the river permitted. Experts say that even a rainstorm could raise E. coli to an unacceptable level and Olympic

organizers still hope that the River Seine can be used for the swimming events. Oh the River Sane is filled with E. Coli that is gross. These athletes are going to pick up a disease at the Olympics. It should be the old-fashioned way. Unprotected sex in the Olympic Village. The only way to do it. The only way to do it. Wrong as usual, Jordan.

I think the Olympics needs more E. coli, okay? Because if you're a world-class athlete, then prove it. theat the your house for a barbecue, you were sprinkling E. coli on chicken kebabs like Salt Bay, you know? Yeah, I love that stuff. Your hospitality was for the birds, Ronnie the birds. Two stars, I was puking all night. Yeah, well, I puked going to be rife with E. coli, which brings us to J. Cleps, Better the Week.

Where you can pick which country will get the most E. coli in the 2024 Olympics. Brought to you by gambling. Gambling, start spending. You've already won. And, uh, don't forget to claim your 20% bonus boost by entering the promo code Clepper sucks all cats. I don't like that. I told you I don't like that code. It's not you okay it's a different clipper. It is okay. That's okay. No just kidding it's you because you suck. You suck. I suck you blow who cares we're all dead inside get over it. Let's talk about sports. All right speaking a player on the Kansas City Chiefs is in hot water after making the biggest mistake any football player could make. the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. their. their. their. th. th. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. So. I'm. So. I'm. I'm. It's. I'm. It's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I... I................................................ It's........................................................................................ Talking. Some Chiefs fans are feeling stunned this morning

by the comments made by Kicker, Harrison Butker during the commencement speech at Benedictine in Atchison. Butker claimed that a woman's most important role is that of a homemaker and demanded that men be more masculine. Be unapologetic in your masculinity. Fighting against the cultural emasculation of men. Hey, I say we should listen to this kicker, okay? Yeah, they're the football players with the least amount of brain damage.

And I'm glad he's speaking up for emasculated men, like Jordan. Congratulations, Jordan, for the first time in your life someone on the football team is speaking to you. You don't have to wear that fake Vosity jacket anymore. F. You, Ronnie, I told you that in confidence. Moving to a new school is difficult. It was a natural way to make friends. Anyway, this kicker thing raises a larger problem. Why do we have people kicking in American sports? Americans handle balls with our hands like Ronnie's mom, you know, just... That's wrong, Jordan. You know my entire family has a foot fetish. True. Which brings us to I'll bet everything wage of the evening. Which useless position player will be the next to wait into the culture war?

As always, brought to you by gambling. Gambling, it will fix everything. Oh. Speaking of gambling, let's move on to our final story. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shoa' O'ani's former interpreter has agreed to plead to to to to to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead to plead guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty to plead guilty guilty to plead guilty guilty to to to to's move on to our final story. Prosecutors in Los Angeles say Shoea O'Tani's former interpreter has agreed to plead guilty to stealing almost 17 million dollars from the LA Dodger superstar. The US Attorney's office say I pay Ms. Wazara used the money to pay off gambling debts and other personal expenses without O'Tani's knowledge. This interpreter stole 17 million dollars from O'Tani. knowledge. This interpreter stole $17 million from O'Tani.

That settles it. Interpreters should be outlawed, okay? If you don't know the language, you should just have to guess. Hard disagree, hard disagree, Roddy. The problem isn't interpreters. It's languages. We should only have one, I suggest English. Oh, our big surprise. Of course you suggest English. That's only language your tiny brain can handle.

The biggest head, the smallest brain over you. English, English is going to be the dominant global language for at least five more years. Look, I'm speaking the Major League language here. Why would I go back to AAA and learn Finnish? Finish that's not even a real language, you dumb ass. It is! It's what they speak in Canada. Ronnie, read a book. All right? But do it on your own time because we are on to the big bet of the night. Is this Otani story yet another sign that America's normalization of gambling is corroding society? Brought to you by gambling.

Remember, gambling? Bet now, live forever. Well, we're out of time Join us next time on Sports War. We'll be debating Michael Jordan versus Caitlin Clark, who's more likely to contract E. coli. Good night America, Gambly. Okay, and here are my three favorite labels that I have never been heard how to speak.

I'm not going to be t Daily Show. My guest tonight is an Oscar nominated actor who's currently nominated for a Tony for her role in Broadway's Doubt, A Parable. She also stars in the Apple TV series Sugar. Please welcome Amy Ryan. Please welcome Amy Ryan. Oh my God. Dunning. You look stunning. You look stunning. Thank you.

Thank you for being here. This is such a treat. I'm such a fan of yours. It's a treat for me too. Oh my gosh. You look stunning. Thank you for being here. This is such a treat. I'm such a fan of yours.

It's a treat for me too. Thank you. Oh my gosh, you've been, you've had so many iconic memorable roles. You're in Gone, Baby Gone, the office, the wire, murders in the building. I mean, I, right? I don't know why the standard is six degrees of Kevin Bacon. It should be three degrees of Amy Ryan. You're in everything. Wow. And you're incredible on everything that you do. And congratulations. You were just nominated for your third Tony.

Yes. Thank you. Thank you. It's so well deserved. I got the chance to see you. It was such a tree. You're exceptional in it. And I heard that you stepped in with a week's notice. A week's notice. I got a phone call on a late Sunday night to step in and I said yes and the following Tuesday I was white knuckling it on stage in a nun's habit trying to remember lines. It was a it was a wild ride. That is such it's such a brave thing to do to get that call and be like hey can you be here tomorrow I need an answer immediately. It's brave or crazy. I feel like you're so talented you're the one of the people that could could th. th. the th. the th. the th. the th. the the th. th. the the th. the th. the th. th. the the th. the the the the the th. the th. the the the the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the talented. You're the one of the people that could actually be so confident to be like,

I got this, and you did. You were incredible in it. I heard that as part of your preparation, you slept on an air mattress? It's not that I wanted to find the characters pain through an air mattress. It's more that I didn't want to wake up my family because I was getting up at 5.30 in the morning to study lines, so I didn't want to wake my daughter before school. So myself and the dog were on the arrowbed. You're a good mama. I try.

You slept on an air mattress, you cut out sugar, dairy and caffeine. Yeah, just to help the immune system, which I've since the the the show is closed. Of course, as you should. Absolutely. I want to talk to you about this incredible show Sugar that you're starring in. It feels like kind of an homage or a love letter to all of the the classic noir gumshoot detective movies. Were you a fan of those movies going into it? Not really, but I love that this show spins it a bit. I mean I know my character is kind of the classic fem fatal, but we pulled away from the you know the woman in distress and became, she

just was a strong friendship which you don't see between a male character and a female character you assume they're going to you know end up rolling in bed by the first episode but and you know if you have Colin Farrell why would you want to roll in bed with him so you know let's just be friends let's just be friends let's just be friends the pain you know that yeah so the restraint so the restraint and the pain. Congratulations. You deserve an Emmy for the restraint it to not jump on Colin Farrell's bones.

I don't know I could do the same. Here they are. You, um, this, so this show is on Apple. I'm curious, there's a massive, massive twist. Yes, yes, don't read anything. If you haven't watched it in time that Apple has asked you to and you're gonna binge it later on, just stay away from anything you read. Don't read any spoilers. It's a huge, huge twist. Now I'm

curious, did Apple make you sign the same NDA that they made the guys that make their iPhones? Yeah, but then when I'd called home I thrown I think the th. th. that. thin. Yeah, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th, th, th, th, th, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, the their, thea, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their to their to to to to to to it home, I think the Apple was picking up on all the scripts. They're always listening to us. Always. Always. It's so remarkable that you went from playing this like rock and roll, ex-rock and roll star addict immediately to the strictest none in the out. Do you ever worry that you're just too versatile as an actress? Just simply too talented. I'm running out of hair-duce. It's all all all all all all out of hairdoose. It's all about hair. Really? It really is.

You also have a movie that's coming out soon. Wolfs? Yeah, in September. And it stars George Clooney and Brad Pitt. I've never heard of them. Who are these fresh faces? Um, huge careers ahead of them. Yeah, I'm really, I would put, put, put your money on those guys if you're a betting woman.

I bet you're going to blow him out of the water. I'm very excited. Thank you so much for being here. You're an absolute delight. Thank you. The season finale of sugar air airs May 17th on Apple TV plus. Amy Ryan, everyone. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

Hey, everybody. John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast. The weekly show. It's going to be coming out every Thursday. So exciting, you'll be saying to yourself, TGID, thank God it's Thursday, we're gonna be talking about all the things

that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me, the election, Earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to the weekly show with Johnight, now here it is, your moment of this. Janice in Nottingham, what do you think of the painting? In one word, it's four letter begins with C and ends with P.

It's not a regal, Charles. It's coming through a red neck curtain because it looks like it's been put on, a cardboard cut out. It's like two different paintings. Now why would pick somebody who don't know how to paint hands who's supposed to be an artist? Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts.

Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, The Weekly Show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the Weekly Show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast.