The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Candidates That Faced Off At The GOP Debate Through The Years

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

Daily Show Hosts Jon Stewart and Trevor Noah have covered the The GOP debates over the years, from McCain versus Huckabee in a Reagan-off in 2008, to Indecision 2012 with front runner Mitt Romney. And in 2016 Donald Trump picks a fight with the audience, and Chris Christie calls out Marco Rubio's rehearsed talking points.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Have you ever been watching the news and thought to yourself, wow, the Supreme Court sure does suck. We made a podcast about that. We sure did. There is a supermajority of conservative maniacs on the Supreme Court right now, really doing some damage. I'm Michael. I'm Riannan.

And I'm Peter. Our podcast, 5 to 4 is about all of this. Every week we dissect and analyze a different ruling that has thiaeeeeeeaaeaeaeaeae, thiiiiii, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. to thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. We thi. We thi. We thi. th country a little worse, a little more cruel. And you would not believe how many of them there are. Check out 5 to 4. That's the number 5-4, wherever you listen to podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Everybody on the street you're tell to the show. the theyme Iowa's done, I need my primary fix.

Well, don't worry, folks, help is on the way. On Thursday, in Myrtle Beach, their hometown, the Republicans held their last debate for the South Carolina primaries, which began with a moving rendition of the star Spangled Banner. Apparently the bait was held on the Lido deck of an 80s cruise ship. What the hell was that? It looked like the start of the big people wearing gowns for God's sakes. Now going in, Mike Huckabee and John McCain under their belt. Huckabee won Iowa, McCain won New Hampshire. Romney won Wyoming, but apparently that doesn't count.

The guy literally is one Wyoming and everybody's like, yeah, Romney's out of it. One of the thing. So let's see how Huckabee and McCain, who are now the two front runners for the Republican nomination, do in a good old-fashioned Republican debate Reagan off. Governor Huckabee. But I stayed faithful to the things that Ronald Reagan stayed faithful to. All right, so Governor Huckabee has never cheated on Nancy Reagan. I don't know what good that's going to do the rest of the electorate. Let's move along to Senator McCain. I'm proud to have been a member of the Reagan Revolution, a foot soldier.

I was a gunner. There we were. McGovern to my left. You pukas to my right. And there I be. You know what, let's open up the Reaganvern to my left, you pockets to my right. And there I be. You know what, let's open up the Reagan off to the floor. Ronald Reagan appointed me associate attorney general in the United States. Ronald Reagan knew your name.

Ronald Reagan knew your name. The first round of the Reagan off goes to Giuliani and let's see the first round is worth I don't know 911 points. Okay. It's Giuliani can be worth any different. Next up. After the Reagan off the candidates had to show the people of South Carolina that they understand their problems. Senator. I know how to secure the borders. You know how to secure the borders. Apparently South Carolina having a terrible time

with two Wiley bootleggers from Georgia, I believe, I believe their name. Oh, damn you. I'm gonna get you, you two boys! G-g-g-goo-g-gg-gg! I'm gonna... McCain continued. I come from a border state where our borders are broken.

More people come across our border illegally every year than most any other state. So it sounds like you don't know how to secure the borders. So it sounds like you don't know how to secure the borders. I've got more experience with Mexicans coming in. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm overrun with people in this country illegally. Governor Huckabee, I think you have your opening. Roads were horrible. I took on the worst road system in the country, according to Truckers Magazine. When I left, they said it was the most improved road system in the country.

I actually, I have that issue of Truckers Magazine. There's a great article about mudflaps in it that I... My favorite part about Truckers Magazine actually is, and I'm guessing you haven't read it, I buy it and I read it and then I spend the rest of the week working on the crossword and I'll just, 27 down, a five-letter word for mobile vehicular transport unit. Truck. Okay, 21 down, monster blank. Truck. Here's one.

Rimes with f-feeh-fee. Every month, the same puzzle! They're killing me! You know, I'll tell you, with the performance of Huckabee and McCain, this really is Trucker Magazine, by the way, I'm not kidding around. Okay. You know what, maybe tomorrow night I'll just read you something from Trucker Magazine. I believe that Huckabee and McCain have opened up a real opportunity for Giuliani in this debate. You know what, maybe tomorrow night I'll just read you something from Trucker Magazine. I believe that Huckabee and McCain have opened up a real opportunity for Giuliani in this

debate. Let me hear what he has to say. I threw Arafat out of the UN 50 celebration and I made sure Castro wouldn't come to that celebration. Basically Giuliani is saying that his foreign policy experience is stopping two old men from going to a party. Actually, and this is true, if you watch the debate, the biggest difference in this debate between the ones that were in the lead up to Iowa and New Hampshire was the tone.

Now they're in the real heart of going after the base. They're in the south, here's the to the tone they've set. the to th th th th th. th. th th. th. th. th. th. tho th. tho th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thoen the the thoen thoen the the the thoe tho thoe thoe their the the the the the the the the the tooome the tooome tooes tooes too up to Iowa and New Hampshire was the tone. Now they're in the real heart of going after the base. They're in the south. Here's the tone that they've set in terms of dealing with the problem overseas. If you think you're going to engage the United States military, be prepared that the next thing you see will be the gates of hell. For that is exactly what you will see after that that that that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is exactly what you will see after that. But, sir, in this instance. I'm not interested in trading with Al-Qaeda. All they want to trade is Berkos. I don't want to travel with them.

They like one-way tickets. I think one more step, you know, and they would have been introduced to they never show is the audience that they're playing to. Who that? They would have been introduced to those virgins that of those great Republican debate comedy snaps. In the new comedy album, you might be an Islamo fascist if. Hey guys, this is Tom Segura. And I'm Burke Chrysher.

And you're listening to Two Bears One Cave, or you should be listening to Two Bears One Cave. We are on Spotify. On Spotify. And we are not smart? That's an understatement. But you'll have a lot of fun hopefully. I think you might enjoy it if you give us a listen. If you got your perfect blood work back from your doctor and you have full permission to tie one on, make sure you check out two bears one cave. It's with me Tom Segura and my co-host Bert Chrysler, the machine. My shirt's off. As you know, Tuesday is the New Hampshire primary. The most crucial vote since last week's Iowa Caucus and a key bellwether for the South Carolina vote 12 days from then, which as you know,

is a proving ground. Yeah. proving ground. The remaining Republican candidates gathered Saturday night on ABC television for a 9pm debate and then inexplicably reassembled the next morning at 9 a.m. on NBC for another debate. It's like the Republican primaries become a telethon for electoral dystrophy. It's the 14th and 15th debate. I mean, they're out of things to talk about. Here was what they were down to Saturday night. It's Saturday night again as we meet.

So if you weren't here running for president, what would you be doing on a Saturday night? And as a follow-up, what would you be wearing? And as a follow-up to that, really, you're going to go out in that. Obviously, it's a silly question. And yet, it reveals the sad truth of running for president. No question is too trivial to not merit a pandering lie. Obviously, it's a silly question. Yet it reveals the sad truth of running for president. No question is too trivial to not merit a pandering lie. I'd probably be at the shooting range. I'd be watching the college championship basketball game.

Football game. I'm a football game. Can we be watching the championship game? Afraid is football. I love it. I'd probably read an economic textbook. I believe one of you. Seriously, if you went down the line of the candidates, the real answers would be, uh, real housewives, I'll be watching real housewives, real housewives, real housewives, real housewives, real housewives, real housewives, I'd be reading an economic text. In fact, the Saturday debate was so lame. There was only one thing people even wanted to talk about afterwards.

Nobody really went after Mitt Romney. A lot of his rivals for the Republican nomination didn't really attack him. The five opponents to Mitt Romney really didn't hit him very hard. Everybody threw punches, but few of them at Mitt Romney. When is someone going to kick Mitt Romney in the balls? We want to know. Well, it turns out, the prayers were answered. Ten hours later on the Lord's Day. Mitt, I realize the red light doesn't mean anything to you, because you're the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the out the prayers were answered. Ten hours later, on the Lord's Day.

I realize the red light doesn't mean anything to you because you're the frontrunner. If you didn't want to even stand before the people of Massachusetts and run on your record, if it was that great, why didn't you, why did you bail out? I was criticized last night by Governor Romney for putting my country first. A relatively timid Massachusetts moderate. This nation is divided, David, because of attitudes like that. Can we drop a little bit of the pious baloney?

The fact is, you ran in 94 and lost. That's why you weren't serving the Senate. Wait, your baloney has a first name and it's pious? That is a terrible name for bologna. Mom, can I have a pious bologna and sanctimonious cheese sandwich? Newt Gingrich calling someone out for some pious bologna. That'd be like Newt Gingrich waxing poetic on the sanctity of marriage. The sacraint of marriage was based on a man and woman, has been for 3,000 years, is at

the core of our civilization and is something worth protecting and upholding. Now that is some pious and baloney. But, you know what, to be fair, to be fair, Johnny Three Wives is right. We must protect marriage from gay people. It's not Adam and Steve, it's Adam and Eve, and then later Trish and eventually Barbara. And probably, anyway. But what of the frontrunner Mitt Rom, could he maintain his lead through four hours of debating whilst still displaying a breathtaking ability to express two diametrically opposed thoughts with absolutely no recognition that he had just done so?

I think you can. Here's Mitt Romney, A, disavowing any knowledge of the super PAC ads, Newt Gingrich is complaining about, and then B, defending the precise content of those ads and go. With regards to their ads, I haven't seen him. Let me tell you this, the ad I saw said that you've been forced out of the speakership. That was correct. That you'd sat down with Nancy Pelosi and argued for a climate change bill. That was correct. That is part of an investigation, an ethics investigation that you had to reimburse some $3,000 to $1,000. Those things were all true. So dude, let me tell you what is specifically in the ads I never saw. The weird thing is, there, why lie? Why not just offend it? We all know people like that. thi thi thi thi thii. that. that. that. that. thi. thi. I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. tho. tho. thoooooo. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. So. So. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. So, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thaaa. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha., I refuse to look at those stolen cell phone pictures of Scarlet Johansson and what's

up with how grainy they are? And, uh, you know, I mean, nobody's body's that perfect. I mean, come on. It's just a man. It's all right. Kind of a bad moment there for M. But at least he didn't do anything to reinforce the other Romney stereotype that he's, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and, thi, thi, and, thi, and, tho, tho, tho, tho, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you tho, you tho, you tho, you tho, you tho, you tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, and, tho, and, and, tho, and, and, tho, and, tho, and, and, to see my dad run for governor when he was 54 years old. He had good advice to me.

He said, Mitt, never get involved in politics if you have to win an election to pay a mortgage. What a relatable story! Mit, remember, only run for office when you're rich. I remember my father taking me aside during my early teenage years, we were playing catch in the yard, and he advised me, withhold running for elective office until my net assets exceeded liabilities by a ratio of 30 to what? Excluding, of course, foreign indebtedies. Dad. Anyway, Romney being Romney, even this week attempt at Relatability, was doomed to collapse.

When I saw Ted Kennedy running virtually unopposed in 1994, a man who I thought by virtue of the policies of the liberal welfare state had created a permanent underclass in America, I said someone's got to run against him. I was happy that he had to take a mortgage out in his house to ultimately defeat me. You forced Ted Kennedy to mortgage one of his houses. What a weird, rich guy thing to brag about. Huh, but I ever tell you about the time I bested Richard Branson at that Zeppelin auction. I drove up the bidding on a gold-plated dirigible I didn't even want. Oh, Branson had to sell part of his archipelago.

All of which brings us to our new daily show segment specifically for the GOP field. How is Nick Romney kicking all of your asses? Have you ever been watching the news and thought to yourself, wow, the Supreme Court sure does suck. We made a podcast about that. We sure did. There is a supermajority of conservative maniacs on the Supreme Court right now, really doing some damage.

I'm Michael. I'm Riannan. And I'm Peter. Our podcast, 5 to 4 is about all of this. Every week, we dissect and analyze a different ruling that's, thape, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the the th, th, the the th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi.. thi. thi. to to thi. thi. to to cruel. And you would not believe how many of them there are. Check out five to four. That's the number five dash the number four wherever you listen to podcast. Finally all the combatants were in the arena. Everyone was ready for the brawl. Everyone was really waiting to see what Donald Trump would do.

Because if you remember, Donald Trump skipped the last debate Everyone was ready for the brawl. Everyone was really waiting to see what Donald Trump would do. Because if you remember, Donald Trump skipped the last debate, which is probably why you don't remember the last debate. You see, Trump is the main attraction. He's the tearx in Jurassic Park. And to see him in action, all you need to do is leave out some poor little animal as bait. Oh no, I'm not sure that's the right, if we can get some. Oh yeah, that's better, yeah, that'll do. That'll do.

It's funny how you guys were sadder for Jeb Bush than a goat that was about to be eaten. So one of the biggest issues on the debate night between Jeb and Trump was eminent domain. And for many conservatives, this is a hot-button issue. Should the government be able to take private land when they deem it necessary for the public good? The Keystone pipeline without eminent domain, it wouldn't go 10 feet, okay? You need eminent domain.

What Donald Trump did was use eminent domain to try to take the property of an elderly woman on the strip in Atlantic City. That is not public purpose. That is downright wrong. He wants to be a tough guy. He wants to be a tough guy tonight. It was to tear down the house. I didn't take the property. I didn't. I didn't take the property. You lost in the court. Let me just, you know, he wants to be a tou. A lot of times, you'll to have, you, you, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, it, it, it, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was to to to to be, it was to be, it was to be, it was to be, it was, it was to be, it was, it was to be to be to be, it, it, it, it, it, it was, it, it, it, it, it, it was to be to be to be to be to be, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it was to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to, I to, I to, I to, I to, I won't to, I won't to, I wa, I want to, I want to, I won't to, I won't to, I won't to, I'll to, I'll to is it to take a property from an elderly woman. Let me talk. Quiet. Oh! Oh! Quiet, quiet, pipsqueak.

Talk to the tan. That must have been the weirdest bar fights I've ever seen in my life. It's like two guys. Hey, tough guy. Oh, you want to be a tough guy. You looking at your poorly considered thoughts on eminent domain as it relates to common carrier projects. That's it, let's take this outside. A lot of times, a lot of times, a lot of times, a lot of times, that's all of his donors and

special interests out there. So, you know who has the tickets for the, I'm talking about, to the television audience? Donors, special interest, the people that are putting up the money. Who it is? The reason they're not loving me, the reason they're not, excuse me, the reason they're not loving me is I don't want their money. This is insane. I love this.

You understand how crazy Donald Trump is? Jeb Bush was like, fight me, fight me, and Trump was like, no, I need a challenge. And then he proceeded to fight the audience, the entire audience. If that's not presidential, I don't know what else people. But even though everyone was waiting for Donald Trump, the match that really surprised everybody was the baby-faced, thirst quencher Marco Rubio versus the bridge blocking bully Governor Chris Christie. Because no, no, he has the setup. Christie tanked in Iowa, making New Hampshire's last chance to make himself the top alternative to Trump or Cruz. But in order to do that, he'd he he he he th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the to have the the the to have the the to have the the, he'd have to have to have to to have the, everyone tho the, everyone the, everyone the, everyone th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Everyone is th. th. th. Everyone is th. th. th. Everyone is th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. the, the. the. the theeean thean thean thean that's thean thean thean theean. theeee. Everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, thi. Christie tanked in Iowa, making New Hampshire's last chance to make himself the top alternative to Trump or Cruz.

But in order to do that, he'd have to beat Marco Rubio, who came in third in Iowa. So Chris Christie launched an accusation. Rubio is an empty suit with canned lines. I want the people at home to think about this. That's what Washington, D.C. does. The memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisors gave him. All right, Rubio, all right, the challenge has been issued. And now you have to prove him wrong. And let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what

he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. I would add this, let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows exactly what he's doing. He is trying to change this country. Here's the bottom line, this notion that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing is just not true. There it is. There it is, everybody. Well, that's the reason why this campaign is so important. Hey, just say anything else. To memorize 25-second speech. Well, that's the reason why this campaign is so important.

Because I think this notion, I think this is an important point. We have to understand what we're going through here. We are not facing a president that doesn't know what he's doing. He knows what he is doing. He lost it. First of all, he's saying Barack Obama knows what he's doing. Let's just take a second to accept that. He says like a little. That's the first thing. And secondly, Chris Christie called Rubio out on the fact that he mindlessly repeats talking points like a stump speech robot. And Rubio's reply was, beep, p-poop, peop. I am human. Pee-poo. He got exposed. Marco Rubio got fucked so hard he had to take Chris Christie

to Red Lobster. Look, Senator Rubio, it's time for you to take a page out of Dr. Carson's book. Oh, man, look, Senator Rubio, it's time for you to take a page out of Dr. Kossin's book. Next time there's a debate, take a moment, and think about not coming out. But for now, go home, get some fresh clothes, because let's be honest, you just shit your pants. Explore more shows from the Daily Show

from the Daily Show by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes. And stream full episodes. This has been a Comedy Central podcast. Hey guys, this is Tom Segura. And I'm Burke Creysher. And you're listening to Two Bears One Cave, or you should be listening to Two Bears One Cave. We are on Spotify. On Spotify. And we are not smart? That's an understatement. But you'll have a lot of fun, hopefully. I think

you might enjoy it if you give us a listen. If you got your perfect blood work back from your doctor and you have full permission to tie one on, make sure you check out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out to to to to to to to to the the to to to the to the to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. toda. to. toda. to. to. toda. to. to. toda. to. today. today. today. t permission to tie one on. Make sure you check out Two Bears One Cave. It's with me, Tom Stegura, and my co-host, Bert Chrysler. The Machine. My shirt's off.