The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Chelsea Handler Discusses Being Childless by Choice - Long Story Short

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

There are millions of women who don't want children, so why are they being shamed by society? Chelsea Handler tackles being childless by choice and why motherhood is not for everyone. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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And the fact is, there are millions of women just like me, but for some reason, every single one of us, at some point in our lives, is shamed by society for not wanting a baby. And that's what I want to talk about in tonight's installment of Long story short. In America and honestly everywhere, motherhood is treated as a woman's essential purpose in life as if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from the inside out and then as soon as we turn 18 we're just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick Cannon to impregnate us. And look, I have infinite respect for moms, but motherhood is hard. It's so hard, it even broke Marie Condo.

Tidying up was her life's work. Then she has kids and was like, fuck it, living in squal her is fine. So it really shouldn't be surprising that some women aren't signing up. But many people aren't just surprised. They're horrified. Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having children is selfish. First of all, I am not going to take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone. Well not that we know of anyway. And what's crazy is that for some reason people feel entitled to tell you what a

horrible person you are right to your face. When people ask me, do you have children? And I say no, they always look at me then and say, oh, I'm sorry. As if like there's something like physically wrong with me. I've had people break down in tears to me about the fact that me not having children is robbing them of something. I've th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thiolome thiolome thi thathea thiol- thiol- thiol- thiol- thiol- I've gotten everything from your selfish for not wanting children. Your childhood must have been terrible if you don't want to have children.

Are you one of these career-thirsty women that doesn't want children and how could you deny your man the chance to have children? I wouldn't want to be with you. Yes, because men are so upset every time they're denied a chance to have a child. Watch an episode of Moripovitch to see how excited men get to find out that they are the father. And it's bad enough when people judge your life choices, but apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves. We're actually destroying society.

You look at Kamla Harris, AOC, the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it? We're effectively run in this country, via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs, by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable too. Maybe if you too weren't such boner killers, women would want to have more children.

I don't want to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's where all of my things are. And I've got news for the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their own. their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm t. I'm t. I'm t. I'm to. I'm to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. their. I love this country. It's where all of my things are. And I've got news for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're doing to the country, you should be thanking us. We are more likely to give our money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint, where the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes in movie theaters and restaurants. And every baby we don't give birth to is one less baby that could grow up to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how many children he has nine? You better bring them all the Mars with you, okay? And when are you going to Mars? Go already! But these Fox News trolls are right about one thing. I am miserable. In fact, I was just scrolling

through my Instagram feed the other day realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach. And then here I am miserable on the top of a mountain. And then here I am. I'm miserable on the beach. And then here I am miserable on the top of a mountain. And then here I am miserable scuba diving. And then I'm miserable again smoking a joint in a hot tub. Every day is truly a new circle of hell for me. The simple truth is that I'm not having a kid because I'm happier without them and that's really not of anyone's concern but my own. And no, I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. That's what's so great about

nieces and nephews. I love being an aunt. I'm crushing that role. Guess who gave each one of them their first edible? This girl, yeah. But hey, what do I know? I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable waste of two ovaries. So if you want to know the real issues with not having children, you need to talk to your OBGYN like I did. Take a look. Oh, I bet you have been around the world a couple times. You're like a pussy GoPro. Oh, Chelsea. Hi. Hi. Great to meet you. You too.

So I'm just going over your chart here. Says you don't plan on having any children. No. It actually says, quote, Never, ever not even if me and Chris Hemsworth were the last two humans on earth. Yeah, I mean if he and I hooked up, it would probably just be a bunch of butt play. Okay, well, not having kids is a big decision. And you should know it's going to affect your body and your life in a major way. What kind of ways doctor? Well for starters

your body will never go through the trauma of childbirth. You'll have what the medical community calls beautiful boisterous breasts and a very tight tight little little vagina. That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that from different people that I've been having casual sex with, giving me different kinds of compliments and I thought it was just dirty talk. No, no, no, that's a medical term. How much sleep do you get? I mean, it varies anywhere from eight to 16 hours a night, you know, depending on what I get up to. If I go to like one of Leo's sex parties, I'll be up really, really late, and then I'll

come home and I'll be starving, and then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed, and then I just finish myself off one more time and sleep like a baby. Is that normal? Perfectly normal for someone with your condition. Great. Thank you. It's probably because I have great muscle tone. Thank you. It's probably because I have so much free time to work out after I'm sleeping. Amen to that, sister.

Are we doing anything that is going to require me to be in a hospital gown today? No. Now I know all this information can be really overwhelming, which is why I am going to prescribe some recreational drugs. Here's a sample for you to take home. Oh my God, I love pills. Thank you. Oh, and there's one more thing we should talk about. Ultrasound. Oh, I didn't think I was getting an ultrasound today. Ultrasound, the music festival, three days in the desert,

Lizzo headlining. And I bet you can get there because why? You don't have any kids at home to worry about. Oh my God, thank you. This is like the best doctor's appointment I've ever had. You are so welcome and you know what? Literally, nothing is going to go wrong for you. It was so nice to meet you. It was a pleasure to meet you too. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, by the way, you do have gonorrhea.

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