The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Chelsea Handler Takes On The News with Comedian Friends

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

Chelsea Handler hosts comedians Sam Jay, Matteo Lane, and Larry Owens for a conversation about Tom Brady, Leonardo DiCaprio, and more. Then Bob The Drag Queen, Atsuko Okatsuka, and Rosebud Baker riff on Kourtney Kardashian's line of vagina gummies, a new Whitney Houston album, and a pregnant monkey in a Japanese zoo. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. There are a few more stories out there that I'd like to talk about, so I thought I'd bring in some friends to discuss it with me. Please welcome Larry Owens, Mateo Lane and Sam Jay. Welcome to the show you guys. Thanks for being here tonight. Thank you. Thank you. There's some stuff in the news that I would like to get your takes on.

First of all, Leo DiCaprio is rumored to be dating a 19-year-old woman, but then it said he may not be dating a 19-year-old woman, but I think a lot of people get upset that he only dates. His number went from 25 if this is true to 19. So he's always dated women that are 25. I have the opposite problem. I've only dated men that are in their 50s, whether I'm in my 20s, in my 30s, or in my 40s. I always like older man. So I have like a glass ceiling. So I have like a glass ceiling. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I always always always always always like, I always always like th. I always always always always always always like always like always always like always like always like always always like always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I have like, I th. I have like, I th. I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I have like, I th. I have like, I have like, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I a fence, I mean, obviously, I mean, do you take offense to, I mean, I don't understand what the problem is when a man can only date somebody that is like that young, like they don't matured with their own age, you know? As a gay person on Grindr, they always say, it's just a preference. It's just a preference.

Yeah no for real I feel like Leo always does it like he keeps it right above the you know what I mean like he doesn't go too low we're like criminal. I don't have a problem with him specifically because I'm his age I'm 47 I think he's 48 I'll be a 48 at some point hopefully but I don't have a problem with him doing that, because I think he just does so much good stuff, too. Like he's such a big environmentalist. You know, it's not like he's a Scientologist or something.

My question is, like, he's on set, he's dealing with agents. He's in some movie. And then he's like, how's your day? She's like, my locker mates the worst. Like, she's 19. Tom Brady's also in the news today because he posted a picture yesterday. It was kind of a thirstrap picture. Gay.

Uh, ha ha. Just on the record, Tom Brady has not come out as gay, okay? When he does, tell me. Pictures speak louder than words. Well, I, my issue with Tom Brady is less about his gayness. As. As. It's. It's. As. As. As. As. As. As. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi is is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is thi. It's. thi. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. Pictures speak louder than words. Well, my issue with Tom Brady is less about his gayness. As more about the fact that he let his wife leave him with his children. He broke up his entire family so he could play an extra season on whatever team he's on. The Tampa Bay, Buccaneers, is that right?

Is that the team he's on? Oh, she's from Boston. I'm so offended by whatever this is. He let his wife leave him so he could go play wherever. He achieved greatness. He became a football god. That takes time. Yeah, but not.

Yes, OK, you can clap for that's not what happened this year. He didn't achieve greatness this year. And that's why he's showing half his package. And it's the half package that bothers me. Why are you covering up the goods? I know he's sitting there like a kid who's got to be like a seven-year-old in church who has to pee. Like that was his sexy poem. Or he's sitting there like a Greek Adonis with a lot a lot show you. Okay, let's not say things we can't take back. And the brown underwear, those look like skims.

They look like skims. It's a quality product. He's every gay Instagram ad just in one photo. There's a nine-year-old named David Bolligan. He graduated from Reach Cyber Charter School after taking online classes. So he's nine. He started high school right before COVID hit and then he graduated in three years with a 4.0 GPA and he wants to be an astrophysicist. I mean this kid is annoying the shit out of me. Yeah. is annoying the shit out of me. I mean, he completed a semester at Bucks County Community College, which is the only

thing I have in common with him. I also completed one semester at community college. I don't like when kids get like this. You know what I mean? I just want to say, when I was nine years old, I was watching ex-men pretending I was storm and eating tricks for kids. Like, I don't know, like, how is he the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids the kids th. Kids th. Kids get th. Kids get the kids get kids get thi. Kids get th. Kids get th. Kids get th. Kids get th. Kids get th. Kids get th. Kids kids get th. Kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids kids get kids get kids get kids get kids get their kids get their kids get their kids get their kids get their kids get their kids their their their their their their their their their their kids their their kids get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to to to get to to th. I watching ex-men pretending I was storm and eating tricks for kids. I don't know, like, how is he already graduating college? Well, also during COVID, when everybody else is making excuses about not getting anything

done because of whatever, because we're sad or lonely or alone or we're not alone enough. And then this kid is just hitting it out of the park. This is another reason not to have kids. Yeah. Do not send him to college. Send him to the streets, okay? We need no more geniuses making AI, okay? We need gangsters.

There's been another new discovery. Jupiter, the planet, has 92 moons, 12 of which they had missed prior, and they just found 12 more moons surrounding Jupiter. This is a very confusing time for me because if you know me well, you know that I am very confused about the galaxy. I just wish like we would all get to a point with scientists would just be like, hey y'all, we don't know shit and just stop there. Yeah. Like, it's just all, it's like, y'all don't know. I don't like finding out about planets or that aliens are coming. I know that there are aliens out there, but I don't want to co-mingle with them. You know what I mean? I'm not looking to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to meet to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their all all all all get their all get their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thoom.e.e.e. Iean. Ie. Iean. Iean. Ia. Ia. Ia. Ia. I'm not, together, th.a. Ia. I'm th. I know what I mean? I'm not looking to meet them, and I don't want to find out any more surprising things

about the galaxy. It just all kind of annoys me. It's just like, NASA's like a really expensive program to look at rocks. I agree. I agree. Why are we sending all this money piss smell out of the subway? Priorities, people! I know, they're like, look at all this water that's on this moon off Jupiter. I'm like, doesn't Flint need better water?

Like, what are we doing? I'm a flight attendant and I was wondering if you were to have some people's feet on your. Did I fly here? No, I did not fly privately here. I try and fly commercially, but it's really disgusting with people on their feet out. I don't understand what happened during COVID. It's like we lost all... I mean, but who... I had a flight attendant when I was taking videos of different people. I was putting it on my Instagram because I have to shame these people. And the flight attendant told me that one flight attendant told me that she had somebody who

came on with oysters on a plane, picked out the oysters, and then put the shells in a bag under their seat for the entire plane ride. That person should have been arrested. Remember people... Oh yeah, the hard boiled eggs. Oh yeah, the hard boiled eggs. Nobody's allowed to bring fish, hard boiled eggs or your foot out on a plane. It's so disgusting.

Remember when people used to dress up? I mean, I wasn't alive them, but I heard about it? Like TWA or something? Like people would go to the airport and it was an event and they would put on their jewelry. Now it's just like cameltoe, fee. Disgusting. There are more stories out there to talk about and to help me talk through them I brought in some friends.

Please welcome Ottsko, Okotska, Rosebud Baker and Bob the Drag Queen. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. There are a camera there? Oh my God. Hi Chelsea. Hi, thi. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Chelsea. How are you? Okay. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, Otsko. How are you?

I'm good. Let's talk stories. Well, we have some stories. We have one of the Kardashians, Courtney, who's the most, I guess, untouched one, I would say, right? Courtney is coming out with a vaginal gummy. So you take, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I would say, right? Courtney is coming out with a vaginal gummy. So you take the, I'm confused about whether you put the gummy in your mouth or straight directly into your Pikachu,

but it's supposed to improve the smell and taste of your Pikachu. And then it tastes like pineapple. So that's, I don't know if that's even possible to put a gummy. I wouldn't even want that flavor. I would want like Arctic Blast. Yeah. Something minty fresh. Something that's going to surprise some people. Here's my issue.

What if you like the original taste? Instead of a gummy that makes your puss-taste like pineapples, I want a seasoning that makes my salad taste like p- I'm just like, hold your nose and go down on me. Just grow up. Also, first of all, just a regular shower will do it most of the time. You know what I mean? We don't have to get fancy with this. Hey, okay, I think I'm the only one that's like, I need this. I want this. I want this. Okay, hold that.

Also, they know this. It makes it taste better for sure. Can you imagine there was a taste tester? There was a person at their company being like, no, no, no more vitamin C, more pineapple, you know what I mean? Nice work if you can get it. I'm the the the th, th, the the th, th, th, th, I mean, the line outside for that job is like, let me tell you. It's not that long.

I feel like you have to check back in and she's one day married like Travis Scott. We have a check or travice, what's his name, Barker? We have a check back in to find out if it works in like six days. we see what he says about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. It. It's. It's. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not not. It's not not not not. It's not not not. It's not not. It's not not. Those two are like inside of each other every time you see them on TV. If they come out with a Dave's hot chicken version I really want to do. I already do this, I already eat my yogurt with fruit. So this time, this whole time I could have been doing it on the other end too. You know what? It's like, I've been doing it for freeing for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free for free doing it for free, Courtney. Whitney, Houston is releasing a new album.

I'm confused by this. This keeps happening. Tupac did this. He started this trend. People releasing albums after they died. I think Beethoven's releasing something next week, too. Yeah. I thought Abba was releasing, because they were nominated for the Grammy first week, and I was like, Abba, I thought they had crossed over as well.

I didn't realize that they're still alive and well. Are you a media? That's how you're? Are you Teresa Caputo? There's someone, there's an artist on the other side. So it's gospel, it's a gospel album with six previously unreleased songs, so it will be new material. Again, very surprising. It's called Go to the Rock and I was like, honestly, I was ready for her like lesbian pride

album called Go to the Cubby Hole. That's what I'm like, one of the songs sounds like a lesbian, a song, one of the songs called, it's called, Hold On Help is the Way, which is a story about a lesbian, helping a gay guy kill a spider. I think Go to the Rock is a great name for like Hunter Biden's book. There was a Japanese, in a Japanese zoo, they figured out that a female monkey got pregnant

despite being separated from all the male monkeys. So when they investigated this situation they found a hole in the wall and so this is the first ever monkey glory hole I guess. And now the couple is living together and they're gonna raise their baby when they have the baby. See that's where they messed up. That's where they messed up. Because I feel like she should be so lucky. Like we should all all all the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. to to to to to to their. to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. t. te. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. their. their. their. their. their. their. their have the baby. See, that's where they messed up. That's where they messed up. Because I feel like she should be so lucky. Like we should all be so lucky. You know, most of us have to get pregnant watching a man. As soon as I heard a monkey got pregnant in the room by itself, I was like, I promise you, Nick Cannon, visited that zoo.

I, anyone with anything with a uterus within a hundred square yards of Nick Cannon will get pregnant, I promise you. Every unwanted pregnancy should be blamed on Nick Cannon and they're on right? I think these monkeys sound fun. Like so in confinement they found a whole, I mean, and I heard the other monkey was a different like kind of monkey too. Interracial love, aren't we for it? Yes, we are.

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