The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Comedy Central Stand-Up Presents: Dulcé Sloan

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

In her 2019 stand-up special, Dulcé Sloan shares her reasons for hating New York City and explains why her neighbors in Los Angeles thought she was a spy. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology

starts showing you qualified people for it, and you can use zip recruiter's pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites, and let zip recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter Get a Quality Candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter. The smartest way to hire. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television.

Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. You're rolling. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17th. Give it up for Dulce Sloan. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hello, New Orleans, how are you? Oh, I'm so glad to be back in the South where people are real. Oh, and the men are beautiful. And the men are beautiful. Yes. Because I was forced to move to New York because of success. And I hate that place. I hate that place. I hate that place.

I hate that place! I hate it. I hate it, okay? You're not allowed to say that. You're not allowed to say you hate New York. Because people would go, what do you mean you hate New York? It's the greatest city on earth. What? And they always do it the same way. They always look slightly off to the side like a cult member. It's the greatest city on

earth. What? What? Where'd you go? I'm right here. What happened? Is the Blazio paying you? What's What's going on? I hate that? Is the place? Is the place? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is the place? Is? Is the place? Is? Is the place? Is the the the the the the their? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is the the the the their? Is? Is? Is their? Is the the their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is the their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their? Is their the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is the greatest? Is their? Is their? Is their place. It's a Yankee trash heap. I hate it. This is my purpose in life. This is my ministry to tell you, it's horrible. Because when they say to you, it's the greatest city on earth, I go prove it. Like, oh, uh, the museums? The museums, the museums are amazing. You can go to a museum every day. I can't go to no museum every day.

I got a job. Well, the restaurants, the restaurants are amazing. I can't go to your fancy restaurants, equipment to go to museums. And it's so cold. It's so cold. It's so cold. And just to know something about me, just emotionally, spiritually, genetically, historically, I'm never supposed to live somewhere, like it's so cold.

Like last year it snowed, there was a blizzard, but they called it a bomb cyclone. The cyclone is a hurricane in the South Pacific and a bomb is a damn bomb. Why are we all of a sudden confused us to what's happening out here? So it happened on a Wednesday and they told me I still had to go to work. Wait a minute. There's frozen on the water on the ground. Jesus don't want me to go to work. Why I got to do this. What is you talking about? And they're like, oh you can still take the train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train train tak tai ta ta ta ta tha tha tha tha tha the the the the the the the the the the their their the water, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their what are you talking about? Okay?

And they're like, oh, you can still take the train. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was seven degrees outside. As the high. Those were all the degrees we was going to get that day. And you want me to get on this train? I live with the above ground train is. I don't know what these frigid temperatures would do the rail lines.

I was a theater major, not an engineer. So I get on this frozen train and it jumps to tracks and all of a sudden I'm in a final destination movie, absolutely not. So I was like, fine, I'll take a car. And I was standing outside, and it's seven degrees freezing my eggs. Trying to get to work, and I snapped, because it was seven degrees outside. But the sun was out. Mocking me. Like a lamp in the damn sky.

And I snapped. I just looked up and like, I got a billion degrees and can't give me 50 out of hell! And I was like, you know what? Then I realized I was a black lady in the white neighborhood yelling at the sun. I was like, you know what, let me go inside, because if you call the cops on me, I earned it. I earned it I earned it you show up like officer please take me somewhere warm I hate these place because the thing is I'm not supposed to be

here black people out we're not supposed to be here we're not supposed to be here suffering through scarves and hats and boots and gloves. No. We're supposed to be in West Africa with Sanders don't eat mangoes. That's what we're supposed to be. Instead of suffering with these melanin-lacking bastards. It's too cold, man.

It's too cold, man. There's too many humans in New York. There's too many humans. Eight and a half million people live in 300 square miles. Why? If you break that down, that's 27,000 people per mile. How do you live? Whose idea was this?

Y'all just strapped two islands together with some bridges and was like, Oh, y'all got to see this? No! No! And God forbid one of these Yankees finds out I'm not from New York. Oh, you're not from New York. They all sound like witches to me. You're not from New York. What do you mean you're not from New York? No, through the grace of God I was not born here, thank you.

Where are you from Atlanta? You're welcome. Like, oh, you must be so glad to be in New York. The South is so racist. The South is so racist. Oh! You mean the part of the South that's not racist. I'll move the day. I'll wait. I know the North is more racist because in the North they split up white folks. They got Italian neighborhoods, Irish neighborhoods.

I live in a Greek neighborhood. You know what Irish and Italian and Greek is in the South? White! Nobody has time to break down your brand of whiteness, okay? I don't care what flag your Caucasian flies under Brandon. Go vote and sit the hell down. What do you want for me? Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruter.com slash zip. Zip recruiter's smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiter's powerful matching technology

starts showing you qualified people for it. And you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let Zip Recruiter find what you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address, zipruiter.com. Zip Recruiter.com. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. It's been said that Nye Skies Finish Last. But is that really true?

I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos and will delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire.

The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look, starting September 17th,

wherever you get your podcasts. I used to live in LA because Jesus loves me. But the problem is when I moved to LA, I didn't see more than five black people in the first three months and I was like, okay. I've seen TV. I know they're out here. Where'd you put them? But I didn't know I was the one in the wrong. I lived in East LA. I lived in a Mexican-American neighborhood that was quickly getting gentrified.. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the black, I the blackedededed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed thed to thed thed to theated the. I didn't their their their their their their their their their their their their, I didn't their, I didn't thed, I didn't thed, I didn't thed, I didn't thed thed thed thed. I didn't thedededededededed. I didn't theded.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed. I didn't thed the.ed the.ed to the.ed the.ed thea.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed.ed. I didn't the their the. I didn't the the one in the wrong, right? I lived in East LA, I lived in a Highland Park, and I lived in a Mexican-American neighborhood

that was quickly getting gentrified, so they were confused with what my black ass was doing there. So I got Tias and dudes of buns looking real suspicious at me. I'm like, hey man, I'm just here for nachos. I don't want no problems. And then I speak I speak I speak I speak I speak I speak I speak I speak I think I think I think I'm think I'm think I'm thia I'm thi I'm thi I'm thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thus thus thus thus thoes thoes they their their thoes their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi thi their thi thi thi thi. I was thi. I was thi. I was the theean. I was thean. thean. theanan. thean. theanan. thean. thean. theanan. thean. thean thean thean Spanish to the Mexicans thought I was a spy. I'm like, nah, man. I'm just trying to get hooked up on these nachos. And there's just one lift driver I used to get all the time.

And one day I guess he had had it because I got in the car and he was like, do you say? Yeah. Where you from? Atlanta? Nah. Where's your mom from? Miami? Nah. Where's your grandma from? Dude, take me home!

Not here for your lips 23 and me, Jorge? Take me to hell home, dog. You want to crack this mystery? I got a Spanish name because my mama grew up in Miami. The only Spanish she knows is food and my name is food, okay? I finally did see a black lady I was in Target. We saw each other on went, ooh, don't do that when you see us as rude. I saw you like, ooh, and I was like, what up, Auntie, because she was auntie. And I walked up to her, I was like, hey, auntie. Quick question.

Where are the rest of us? And she's like, oh girl, you in the wrong neighborhood. You got to go to like Comson or Englewood. And I was like, who, woo, woo, hoo, hoo, hoo. I am second generation suburbs. Uh, I don't want to go to Hood movie places to see black people. Where are the brunching negroes at? Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a mimosa-noboza-missue myself. Where? Where? And she was like, Brunch, what's brunch? I was like, bitch, we're in Target. That is a Walmart question. How dare you? You both have shoes on. What are you? What are you doing? I'm single, which is confusing.

No it's not. Because I have boobs big enough for each of them to have their own boyfriend. If you want big titties go to church, that's what I did. These J's came from Jesus, you're welcome. Listen. Because I get real confuses, I'm like, men love titties. And they love a big ass. I have both of those.

So I'm like, all right, the two plus two equals married. Yeah, it's weird to get up in the morning and be beautiful and single and be like, what the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th is the is the's thease is thes came came came came came came came came came came came came came came came came came came came thes came came came came came came came came thes came came came the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is the is to get up in the morning and be beautiful and single and be like what the shit's happening? And the shit's hit me real hard because I'm in my 30s. Don't tell my manager. I'm in my 30s. And my best friend she tried to warn me. She's like, listen, when you turn 30, your body's gonna freak out and I was like, lies, bitch lies. And then I turned 30. Then my biological clock went from snooze to European tech, no. So now, every time I see a child, I just hear,

bang, pan, have a baby, bang, it's awesome, bang, and I love you. Wait a minute. I think to do that, okay. Are there any women here in their 20s? All right, let me talk to y'all for a second, because nobody told me you have to listen to me. I'm a black woman, that's why Oprah's a billionaire, okay? You have to listen to me.

Oprah's the only reason white women read. Let's talkried to warn me and I didn't want to listen, nobody told me, so I'm trying to help y'all. I want y'all to know you've never been horny before. I'm telling you right now, they didn't tell me, all right? You know what that silence is, every woman in her 30s going told the t. thirty, thi th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to told you to told you tell told you told you to to to to to to to to to to to tell you to you I want you I want you I want you all, I want you you all, I I I I I you all I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I tel, I I I I I I tel, I I tell, I I tell, I tell, I tell, I tell, I tell, I tell, I'm tell, I'm tell tell you tell you tell you tell you tell you tell you tell you tell you to tell you to tell you to tell you to tell you to to have sex, I want to meet. That's a completely different part of your brain. Okay?

You don't think I didn't walk in here and figure out at least five dudes I want to bang before this special is over. You're crazy. Hi, sir. I'm not kidding! What up, Greenshirt? This is not a joke! I'm not playing with y'all, okay? Because I wake up every morning and my body goes, give me a baby!

I'm like, hey man, I gotta go to work today. Give me a baby, and I'm like, hey man, I gotta go to work today. Give me a baby, I gotta go to work today. Give me a baby. I gotta catch a flight not a fetus. No, I can't. Give me a baby. Listen, I need a child because I've looked like a mother of three since I was 15 years old, okay?

And I'm not saying that somebody should be asking me questions on a regular basis. That's all I'm saying. Finding great candidates to hire can be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. You might get a lot of resumes, but not enough candidates with the right skills or experience. But not with Zip Recruiter. Zip Recruiter finds amazing candidates for you fast. And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com. Zip Recruiters smart technology identifies top talent for your roles quickly. Immediately after you post your job, zip recruiters powerful matching technology

starts showing you qualified people for it and you can use zip recruiters pre-written invite to apply message to personally reach out to your favorite candidates and encourage them to apply sooner. Ditch the other hiring sites and let zip recruiter find find find find you're looking for, the needle in the haystack. Four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at this exclusive web address. Zip Recruiter.com slash zip. Zip Recruiter, the smartest way to hire. It's been said that Nye Skies finished last.

But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy and monstrous self-devaring egos, and we'll delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and the train. to to to to the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean,

blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper, and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change.

Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 minutes, a second.. to 60. to 60. to 60. to 60. to 60. to to 60. to to to to to 60. to to to to the to 60 minutes, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi- thi- the the the thi- thi- thi- the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. 19, to th. th. 19. to. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News, listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple podcasts starting September 17. Because I'm so serious about this, I don't see married men anymore. If I see a man and there's a ring on his finger, don't see him. It becomes an outline of a human, Peter Pan's shadow. Why do I need to see the face of a dick I can't use, that's stupid.

I was in New York and a married man came up to me and asked for directions and I went, call your wife! He didn't need that. He was lost in New York, he just wanted help. But then I looked down at his phone and I saw that the maps app was open. What? Sir, I don't know more than a satellite. I might be a big bitch but I don't orbit the earth. Call your wife! Very serious about this. I'm a problem, okay. You remember that movie, The Predator? He would see a target and them numbers will come up on the side. That's what I'm doing, because

now I look at men, how men look at women, I'm a problem. That's what I do all day, see a dude, oh, he's kind of cute, all right? He's got on a nice outfit. Wait, is he not need? Is he pigeon toe birth defect? Beat it, you, over here. Oh, it's kind of cute for a dude with skinny jeans. Wait, is he paying for PBR for wet money?

Broke, no, I'm not doing this. Because I gotta be careful because my mama told me if I come home with ugly grandkids, she ain't messing with them. I got a black mama, okay? She said I put hats on the monsters and send them back. Do not play with me. Because I'm out here on the road, touching men to see if they have a strong back.

And I don't know what that means. I'm in heat, you understand the difference? I can say the only thing that's good about living in New York is I'm trying to get me one of these fine Jewish men'ses. I don't know why. I don't know why. I can't tell you, maybe it's because I love the Lord. I don't know.

Okay. Because Old Testament God is my favorite guy because he played no games. I told you I stopped doing this dumb shit. I told you, you know what? Flood to Earth, try me again. Try me again. Try me again. Old Testament guy is a black parent, so I understand. Or maybe it's because I want to know what happens when an afro and a Jew from meat. And I want to see the beautiful head of hair that will exfoliate me as I give birth. But when I truly think about it, right?

When I truly get into it, really get in touch with what's going on in here, it's really because it's circumcised. As a rule, you'll never think you're going to catch one that's not, because that's just how they do it, right? Because I don't know if anyone's here ever had the misfortune. I've seen an uncircum... Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Of seeing an uncircu-

Oh, God! Every time I see one, I'm like, sir, why do your parents hate me? Oh, God! Every time I see one, I'm like, sir, why do your parents hate me? Why am I rolling this jick down like gym socks? Who sent you? It's a dick or a burrito to go, what's happening, sir? You see, out of New York, you know, they'd be like cage-free, free range out and about.

And your coffee shop writing screen plays, you know. Because I didn't interact with a lot of Jews growing up because I grew up in Atlanta so they kept themselves in a safe place. So all I really have to go off of is, you know, curly hair, dark features and anxiety. So I've been playing this fun game in New York. I like to call Jewish or Italian because I don't know. Because you know I'll be out and about you know at bars and stuff because apparently that's where men go. Because I asked my homeboy I'm like, hey I want to meet a man he's like you got to leave your house and I was like oh no.

Do you know you can't meet the love of your life in your house watching murder mysteries? Did you know that? Because the Uber eats man is always married, I can promise you that. So sometimes we're out and about in these bars, right? I think I don't picked up God's chosen people. And go home with them because I'm a lady. And we get naked because that's our sex works. And I'm standing there, you know, naked. And I look over. And his dick still has clothes on. Curly hair, dark features, uncircumcised.

This bastard's Italian, damn it! I gotta start asking for last names, that's on me. It's been said that nice guys finish last. But is that really true? I'm Tim Harford, host of The Cautionary Tales podcast, and I'm exploring that very question. Join me for my new miniseries on the Art of Fairness. We'll travel from New York to Tahiti to India on a quest to learn

how to succeed without being a jerk. We'll examine stories of villains undone by their villainy, and monstrous self-devaring egos, and we'll delve into the extraordinary power of decency. We'll face mutiny on the vast Pacific Ocean, blaze a trail with a pioneering skyscraper and dare to confront a formidable empire. The art of fairness on cautionary tales. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it. This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives.

But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look on Apple Podcasts starting September 17th. This is a thing, y'all. I want children, okay? I want children.

I want a who's been, I want all of these things. Because what I really want, I want beautiful daughters and I want giant sons. I'm talking about six years old playing varsity football. Giant! Giant! I already told you all the problem with that. I like Jewish dudes. I already told you all the problem with that. I like Jewish dudes. It's not how you make that baby.

I'm gonna make Drake. I'm gonna make Drake. I'm gonna make Drakke. I'm gonna make the Grassy Drake. The weakest of all the damn drinks! Bye! The Daily Show with Trevor Noah Ears Edition. Subscribe to the Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. When 60 Minutes premiered in September 1968, there was nothing like it.

This is 60 Minutes. It's a kind of a magazine for television. Very few have been given access to the treasures in our archives. But that's all about to change. Like none of this stuff gets looked at. That's what's incredible. I'm Seth Done of CBS News. Listen to 60 Minutes, a second look.

Starting September 17th, wherever you get your podcasts.